Why I Prefer Real Life Dating to Online Dating & Apps

I've used online dating, starting out as dating websites and more recently, dating apps, for years, but I started having a much better time when I quit using the apps and dated exclusively in the real world. Online dating seems plagued by two major problems: a severe imbalance between men and women, which negatively affects both genders, and a lack of social accountability when dating "isolated" people where you don't share any acquaintances in common.
I explain that dating people in person solves both of these problems: it is relatively easy to find activtiies where there is a more equal balance of gender, and the social accountability that comes with dating people you have at least a few acquaintances in common with strongly discourages some of the worst, rudest, and most harmful behavior. This sort of harmful behavior includes non-consensual behavior, ghosting, and all sorts of general rudeness or hostility. When you date people you know people in common with, many of these problems disappear entirely, because people don't want to ruin their reputation.
In case you are intimidated by the prospect of dating in real life, without using apps or websites, I talk about the specific ways of meeting people that I found most useful, which I break into two categories: regular events and activities, and house parties or events hosted by friends. I recommend doing both. The best events are ones that happen regularly, ideally weekly and at least as often as monthly, and that are events you enjoy for their own sake, and that attract the sort of person you are interested in dating. However, the people you will connect with most, you are more likely to encounter at multiple types of events, including both regular public social events, and private parties hosted by friends. The people you overlap with repeatedly are the people you are likely to have the most in common with!

[@MannyQuacioua]

I’m trying to get a better understanding of Trans people for myself instead of passing judgement as others tend to do but I’m really enjoying your content! Hope life is treating you well!

[@tatiscolombia]

So well explained. I was one of the women overwhelmed by the dating app experience, too many people talking to you, some of them too intense or straight-forward (a lot more than you would have to deal with in real life) and that's specially difficult for an introverted person. Ghosting is also quite annoying, can affect your self esteem. The harassment thing is terrible, really. And as a woman I can also add that a lot of men tend to take 'the easy way', like massively writing to a lot of women, being deceiftful and trying to show what they think you want (like, offering a relationship when they aren't really interested in that). And, something that really affects both ways is that apps sell the illusion that there's 'a perfect person' for you, so now you meet a lot of guys (in my case) that just do the minimum effort and if that's not enough for you, they're out.

[@AlexZorach]

This is a great comment with so much in it, thanks! I agree that the ghosting can affect your self-esteem. Like even if you know the behavior is common, it never feels good. I also know what you mean about men mass-writing. When I have gotten messages from men, a large portion of them have been lower-effort, more generic sorts of things. Sometimes it can seem dehumanizing even. I also like what you added about how men can be deceitful by trying to tell someone what they want to hear. I have occasionally had women try to do that with me, but I think that problem becomes worse when there is a big number disparity. And then it becomes a huge waste of your time and effort, because you have to expend effort trying to sort through interactions, discerning who is being more honest and sincere, and it is harder to do this online when you have neither the nonverbal cues, nor the social accountability of knowing people in common. I also agree that it's an illusion that there is a "perfect person" out there that you just need to find. I didn't really get at this in the video, but another huge problem I have with dating sites is that it creates this sort of "window shopping" headspace where you're looking through people for the "perfect one", but you often end up discounting people for reasons you never would in real life. For example, dating sites immediately show you someone's age and then a bunch of text and images that the person specifically showed you. In real life, you see none of that, you just see a person's body language, vibe, hear their voice. It's an instant snapshot that conveys so much more information, but while hiding things that people might use to disqualify a person if searching through dating profiles. People end up making very different choices in these different scenarios, and at least for me, I think the whole process works better when in person.

[@sylviaodhner]

These are all good points and I agree. I've noticed that it's hard to stay connected to people I've met through dating apps, because it takes continuous effort on both sides. I have to continually ask myself whether I want to put the time and energy into meeting up with these individuals, or whether I'm leading them on, or whether they really want to see me, etc., all before I really know much about them at all. That type of mental effort often turns me off from people who I might otherwise form a bond with over time. Whereas, if I get to know someone in an in-person community setting, I don't have to think about all those things, I just have to keep showing up to the community, and I might end up getting to know someone really well without trying very hard.

[@AlexZorach]

This is a really great insight, thanks for contributing! This all makes sense, and you have articulated one of the mechanisms through which dating sites lead to unfulfilling interactions, beyond what I talked about in the video. It makes sense that having to repeatedly ask yourself: "Do I want to continue this interaction?" could be mentally exhausting, especially if you are dealing with many such connections on a dating site, and all or most of them are sort of marginal or underwhelming, which I think is the experience of most women. Although my experience on dating sites has been pretty different (usually getting only sparse or infrequent attention at all), I have had other aspects of my life, like some professional situations, where I'm inundated with kind of low-quality attention like this, and that process of having to continually ask whether or not I want to continue the interaction can become exhausting. Also, when you have a lot of connections like this that are all existing primarily online, pouring more time and energy into that selection process means more time staring at a screen. Meeting people through the in-person activity is all-around better. Not only do you avoid that decision-making process, like you referenced, but you also are out and about doing things face-to-face, being more physically active (even if just at a social event that is not necessarily athletic, you're probably walking around and moving around more) and not staring at a screen. And for me that's a pretty important improvement too.

[@wp6007]

This is like saying why you prefer real intercourse over online intercourse

[@AlexZorach]

Haha. Maybe, but I actually disagree for two reasons. One, I think, more so than that message, it needs to be said because there are a HUGE number of people nowadays who seem to think online dating is normal, or even a good thing or an improvement, and I've noticed that many of these same people will spend hours complaining about dating or about men or about women or about some issue or other that they are having, that to me, seems specific to online dating and directly caused by dating and that would be solved entirely or at least greatly reduced by only dating IRL. Also, on a certain level, I think sexting or cybersex is actually less bad, relative to in-person sex, than online dating is bad relative to IRL dating. Sexting or cybersex is something that you can engage in with anyone, including people you have strong in-person chemistry and a strong "real world" relationship with. And it's also a very safe activity: it doesn't spread STI's and can't get anyone pregnant and, although people can get pushy about it and overstep boundaries and stuff, the stakes are lower for boundary-crossing behaviors. Online dating is different in that people have a serious intention of meeting people IRL, and they often do this, and they often then go and have sex. And in doing so, they open themselves up to all sorts of problems and harm, everything from sexual assault to being ghosted to having people lie about STI's or birth control, to all sorts of other rude behavior. So it's like, the stakes are higher, the real-world risk is there, but in the early phases of dating you also get all the bad communication and lack of accountability that comes with these more anonymous, isolated online interactions. So to me it really seems like a worst-of-both-worlds and I would say the analogy is not really a good one.