celebrities, self-sexualization, and you | Khadija Mbowe

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Sexed Up- Julia Serano
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Creator, Producer, Host
Khadija Mbowe
Production Assistance
Adam Mbowe
Editing
Travis Davis
Khadija Mbowe
Research
Antonia McClennan
Khadija Mbowe
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Reina Cowan
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Raul Alcazar
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Sosena Tilahun
Theme animation
Alice Gaboury-Moreau

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Here’s the link to the showcase concert!!! www.eventbrite.com/cc/2023-summer-music-intensive-showcase-concert-2419979?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=creatorshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=odclsxcollection&utm-source=cp&aff=escb

[@itowilltube]

Just wanted to say thank you for being Academic Royal and you guest courts are best source for breaking higher concept into digestible segments for the rest of us!!!

[@itowilltube]

So as a question of access, is it possible your contents can allow closed caption for hearing differently, and if not big cost or need extra resources - we allow chat transcripts it's is educational to see other ideas when you bring them up One thing about how language which is allowed rules of non harmful gender the table on French la table, but the translation of our human language to ascribe rules of our culture is limits/reduced experience to confined language Concept of marked vs unmarked is really interesting Specially we can see how 2 people who are both minor are experiencing a SA. The minor with the complexion for protection or the to put another way , is allowed to be marked as "perfect victim " young non black 18 popular highschool student is perceived by her marker And say an even younger minor but black girl in middle school. Regardless of having same social markers social popularity, young, less physical strong , younger and typically more vulnerable minor would be the bipoc middle schooler - I told this example because the marker everyone sees but verbally speaks around good grade, the caring family , the attire at the private as school. The market that canmot be removed is the bipoc blackness which turns the child's into the aggressor. Her physical age could be much lover t han her peer who is eurocentric and will be marked as more frail. There is currently a diatribe of CRT, Actions Affirming diverse ok inclusive education/DEI Reparations The anti will argument will be that those tools were helpful in past but gains in civil rights and America first biracial president show the stigma prejudice around skin color,gender has evaporated Yet our statistics in law enforcement show disparity, housing allotment , health care ...every facet of life almost as if melaninated people have permanent markers that are view in many different spaces as problem /negative. Idea that came to me is that Miley Cyrus who was known for Hannah'Montana and who character was identified as having "best of both worlds " She self sexualized and this can be seen as injurious to no one or if even slightly to her self. But just many artists before her or Katy Perry, Madonna and.male Justin Timberlake...all self sexualized to show clear delineation between their innocence youth and mor risque Young adults . But this transitions relied on build up a persona with black cultural markers....ironically.tbese markers black producers, hip hop styling on the body and in the slang on tongue .. Non black artist using culture signifier to send message ok I am more edgy, sexualized, rebellious and Miley Cyrus literally wore horrible cap with dreads to justify the same cannabis habits many of her peers had but she in action and words later after collecting audience for the person's Bangerz era success...she refers to as her ironically "Dark phase"" in her life and listed drugs ans rap music as symbols . Miley Cyrus is quite talents song writer and so did not need credit in the streets but being over sexualized and poor twerking skill open up and audiences to be embrace her and financially support country gone trip hop and soon as she wanted to be seen as respectful to her ex helmsworth Christian conservative family. The Rasta hat with locs,and switched back into short but appropriate sun dresses and album calling back to Malibu roots. And cover of magazines with he walking through wholesomeness corn stocks. These marketing schemes for all celeb allow them to often take on negative stereotypes of other cultures and wear them proudly. The anti_ establishment rebellious young teen boy/girl who color skin means they are not able to drop a new mixed tape to change initial public view. In fact the negative stigma attached to them just being ..often means they won't be picked by a major lable to push their art /music or experience of their own culture. This is where question of equivalent culture exchange even when talented person does grab pair of Bix braid, hoop earring and learn TikTok dance 🩰.. When they drop all of the badges ...what do they give back to culture except the peace sign say "dudes"

[@TreScotts1Fan]

two hearts huggs

[@itowilltube]

OMG thanks for all your insightful discussions.

[@guronanak9218]

I saw you on the Rebel News video. Your skin is so beautiful. How come we don't see it that way on this channel?

[@dna_______]

"sexualising yourself as a way to take back your agency will only get you so far" this part

[@absolutelynotellen]

Ikr. Those words hits harder than a truck

[@beckysuperswag]

people aren’t ready for that conversation. they get mad when i say the words sex and work were never meant to be in the same sentence. and that’s not a diss on sex workers, but a diss on capitalism and the way it sucks the soul out of intimacy. fake feminists pretend that objectifying yourself and your sexual energy for profit is peak feminism and it simply will never be. they’re leading people down an empty road. yeah it’s no different for any other ruthless industry or job, but at the very least most jobs don’t require you to sell your intimacy and become desensitized to sex.

[@silentj624]

I dont even understand how sexualizing yourself allows you to take back agency. It doesn't make sense.

[@beckysuperswag]

@@silentj624 historically women were seen as unsexual beings with no sexual desire and no capability of feeling sexual pleasure. sex was for the man, women submitted to sex because it was their duty and to have kids. the concept of women feeling sexual desire and “getting” something out of sex is still fairly new. it seems so far fetched now because of how far we’ve come. but even now we have men who still think that female orgasms are a myth or that women don’t enjoy sex (likely they are just men who are selfish in bed). so with the new wave of feminism, women sexualizing themselves was seen more as: i am a woman and i also feel sexual pleasure and my pleasure matters! but in reality sexualizing yourself is accepting that you are primarily a sexual being. it’s deprioritizing or excluding the other parts of yourself so that being sexual is your defining characteristic. i think people get confused with the definition and like to think that there’s no issue with sexualization, but inherently, sexualization is a form of dehumanization. there is no way, in my opinion, to consent to being seen as less than a full complex human being. i think when people want to “sexualize” themselves in modern times; it was supposed to be more about saying “i experience sexual pleasure. i seek out sexual pleasure. i enjoy sex and want someone to also enjoy having sex with me.” the idea is that sex is supposed to be mutual. to me that is sexual agency. and yet we use the phrase: “sexualize themselves.” which is, like i was saying, a whole separate thing. to sexualize yourself and to have sexual agency are two very different things that are conflated. i think we also fail eachother when we don’t acknowledge that expressing “i enjoy sex” in our society is seen as the same as saying “i invite sex from everyone and am giving up my right to decide what and who i want to do.” fact is, being sexual in this world comes with a lot of unspoken and unwritten nonsensical rules with harsh consequences. just like Miley said, all she wanted to say was “ i am not a child! i enjoy sex and i want to have sex!” (which is perfectly normal for a human woman to do. it’s part of our development as people). and instead what happened was people interpreted as her saying “i am a sex object. use me and degrade me however you’d would like.” which wasn’t her intention.

[@dirt1688]

@@beckysuperswag the first part of this simply isnt true, in much of europe and west asia, women were seen as such sexual beings that they were impure, hence why such importance was placed on their virginity, youth, etc. women were seen as sexual heathens, even with stronger sex drives than men. "temptresses" "witches" etc. the purity culture enforced onto women was a direct response to women's bodies being oversexualized from the get-go, so when women sexualize themself via a patriarchal lens nowadays, it's actually pretty ironic. I totally agree w the rest though.

[@juliascheffer]

"You can have hookups, casual sex and still treat people like actual people." Yes.

[@CajonesandCannolis]

omggggg this☝️☝️☝️☝️WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE 😫

[@angel127_]

@@CajonesandCannolisbc sexualising ppl and dehumanising ppl benefits them and their twisted needs and to actively stop making those choices would mean for their whole lifestyle to change, so they would rather stay comfortable at the expense of others humanity🫤

[@applefarm6126]

But those things aren't good and have negative effects.

[@juliascheffer]

@@applefarm6126 If it's not for you, then don't do it. People are different and have different relationship dynamics. Just don't judge and condemn others because they don't act the way you think they should.

[@frauleinzuckerguss1906]

​@@applefarm6126What are the negative effects?

[@lisbethyoung3047]

Can we talk about how its a trend for women in rap to tear down other women constantly in the lyrics?? The internalized misogyny in rap is so profound

[@hhaannnnaahh222]

yep, comparing pussies etc 😭

[@oreochocolate_lavacake9960]

Yeah like with Cardi B,Taylor Swifts old songs and Blackpink etc....way too many artists who have done that then when they just celebrate themselves people call it feminine when they're just complimenting how bad ass they look like that's not feminism

[@Justaregularoldplumbus]

Thank you for mentioning this this has confused me ever since I got into rap. They are legit so horrifically insulting to other women I just don’t get it. The songs slap but how is everyone ok with the lyrics?? Why do people applaud that stuff. I guess they’re imitating male rappers who insult other “competing” men in their songs. But like huh maybe let’s not do that. Maybe we don’t have to copy all of mens bad choices to be empowered. Idk. Maybe let’s copy kendrick instead lol. like thoughtful and hopeful songs about a variety of things

[@suspiciousstar7547]

I find it strange when a lot of rap girls refer to their haters as "these b*tches" or "these h*es" when in fact most of their fanbase who praises them or compliments them are mostly women. In reality, most of the people intimidated by them or that hate them are usually men.

[@mermaidchae]

Right, they always want women to be against eachother

[@allieconzola]

23:00 I remember one of my friends talking about street harassment and catcalling, and saying "They can't put their hands on you, but they can put their words on you." That fucking hit hard because that's exactly what it is.

[@davespriter]

woah

[@jitters_xp]

as a trans guy getting called a "snow bunny" at the gas station by this disgusting man and the owner just standing there and not bothering to stop him just- I may be a trans guy, but I don't pass, and I will suffer from misogyny probably as long as I live if shit isn't fucking done about it. I'm asexual too, so, so many levels of just horrible honestly.

[@lizzybeary]

I hate that people act like words aren't supposed to affect you or if they do, you're weak. Words mean everything. Literally.

[@mmgs1148]

Sometimes they also put hands, i noticed like men above 60 dont know social unwritten rules and are the ones saying not only awful stuff, but also sometimes going as far as touching you. Sometimes they touch your arms/hands/back "only" but still it isnt anything pleasant

[@fsantos199]

woah

[@julianlopez3599]

"allegedly twerking" 😭😭😭

[@maijennasis]

took me tf out😭

[@dorkchops]

i nearly choked on my food😭😭

[@kacylewis221]

Heavy on the "allegedly" cs wtf was that?😭

[@mewmew6158]

Was a lie told? Absolutely not😭

[@t.taylor1611]

😂😂😂😂

[@kkelseym]

"Teenage girls who identify as Democratic are more depressed." Sounds like purposeful misdirection. For the most part Republicans/Conservatives don't really believe depression/anxiety exist and just write it off as a person being lazy or making excuses or whatever. It could just be people who identify as Democratic are more open to discussing their mental health.

[@lionmom7629]

They likely could not find teenagers who identify as Republican. Democrat or independent, but not Republican. Conservatives have lost a whopping percent of the younger generations. And what there are of conservative teen girls may likely have been reluctant to answer honestly. Too much stigma.

[@Liam-du1fn]

That can also be phrased as “democratic teens are more likely to seek a diagnosis and treatment for depression”.

[@lionmom7629]

​@@Liam-du1fnYou put that very well. 😊 Thanks!

[@labelle9921]

If girls are reared in a Democratic/progressive environment where there is greater awareness of and discussion of issues in the wider world, I can imagine girls are more anxious and depressed, and also able to openly voice how they feel. And, know this: there are plenty of conservative young people. They are being reared by evangelicals, and they are very serious about fighting these culture wars. They believe they are doing it for Jesus. Violence is absolutely an option.

[@johnindigo5477]

@lionmom7629 and if any teen identified as republican what exactly would their homelife be? Not trying to generalize, just saying that most Republicans I've interacted with tend to be more well off or appear financially comfortable. Look at any young republican gathering. Like a model committed for polo.Could that be a factor? That mental health isn't decided by class, but it's something.

[@knitmore3]

My 14 year old sister and I had a talk yesterday because she doesn’t understand why grown men are attracted to underaged girls. And she’s tired of being sexualized by boys her age.

[@dredre102906]

i was just having this conversation with my daughter today, she's 16. She works now, close to downtown and how she always gets hit on by older men. Like waay older. And she definitely doesnt see herself as "developed", tall, or anything that would make them think it would be appropriate to ask her for her number. Some will tell her they see her all the time or have noticed her for a while, and to her thats just so creepy. She also agrees with the boys her age. She feels like she cant be confidant in herself and feel pretty without someone around her objectifying her. She says, being told you look nice today is not the same as being cat called.

[@crazyowlgirlcncowner]

@@dredre102906 I'm 19 now, but since I was 14-15 I would randomly get attention from random older men out at stores. I've always been the one to go on errands with my mom and even when I was literally standing next to her, middle aged men would act weird toward me. It's always made me feel uncomfortable. I'm in uni now and I have to ride the bus to school. While I much prefer dressing traditionally femininely, dresses and skirts and heels, I often have to think long and hard about whether or not I want to subject myself to the extra risk of being at a bus stop alone in a dress. It's awful to never be able to wear what I want because I always feel like I'm gonna end up being creeped upon. Just recently I was waiting for my mom to pick me up from the bus stop and some old man came up to me and was flirting with me, tried to get my number, asked me to marry him. And I felt so uncomfortable. I feel like I look young enough that they shouldn't want to approach me. Then again the other day at a thrift store a middle aged man was looking at me creepily and said "wow, you're so tall, how old are you? Like 12?" I'm beyond disgusted that this man was interested in me assuming I was 12. I freeze in these situations so I'm thankful my mom was nearby and she told him "Yes, she is" and pulled me away.

[@TheArcoiris12]

@@dredre102906 I think it's because young girls can not defend herselfs like a grown woman would do. Girls are an easy target to these men... sadly. I remenber as young girls I didn'y know how to react, and I used to smile... unconfortably

[@Zectifin]

@@TheArcoiris12 that or they feed off the attention and think its exciting that an older man is into them. Not saying its their fault for thinking that, we as a society make that seem exciting with all our media and the older man themselves should have to decency to not seek that in the first place or tell them thats not ok.

[@skellyton3662]

Reminds me of a song I was listening to called seventeen by Ladytron in the song she says “They only want you when you’re 17, when you’re 21, you’re no fun”

[@hexonyou]

Being adultified and immediately sexualized as a child hurt my ability to see myself and feel present in my body. I hit puberty at 9; i wore a c cup by 8th grade. There was barely a time in my childhood that i remember where eating ice cream, bending over- just EXISTING- was not sexualized by some onlooker. And as a lonely kid, i was vulnerable to the idea that attracting someone sexually could solidify the attention and love i was desperate for. It’s such a toxic and traumatizing thing to have the world agree that regardless of your age, your body was a sex object or sin. As a 34 yo trans masc NB, being true to myself was pushed back by decades because I couldn’t sort the dysphoria from all of the complicated feelings the world gave me about my body.

[@sussycecil]

hello- i’m a 18 year old bisexual cis female- i also hit puberty at a very early age, and i also wore a c cup by the 8th grade. i feel like i never realized that i was being sexualized by such a young age until much later in my life- it genuinely thought i was a normal thing. and then when i did realize it, i felt like it was my fault. i too felt that attracting somebody sexually (especially men) from a very young age was important. i was practically groomed and sent inappropriate messages and pictures constantly from men from the time i was ten years old. seeing and hearing stories like yours, people who had similar occurrences to me, similar feelings about sex and sexuality, makes me feel so seen and heard ❤️ thank you for sharing your story

[@alyssaallen4658]

Thank you for this comment. It makes me and others feel less alone. Sending you ❤

[@powespjays]

❤❤❤ sending love to you all.

[@iameli330]

I grew up as a queer kid and I constantly got asked sexual questions by all kinds of people. There was one time I was at the library and these guys who were like a few years older than me were harassing me. They asked me questions like "you like d*ck?". It really fucked me up tbh and I was only like 13-14 😕

[@Blondecountrygirl]

@@sussycecilsame :( I’m 17

[@TM-qt2ze]

This is so unfair, it highlights how women can't boast about their sexuality like men do, without becoming a sexual object. The sexuality of a straight man can be one aspect of his personality, one social success alongside others that he might have. The sexuality of a woman blurs everything else there is to her. Women don't "sexualize themselves", they are reduced to their sexuality by others.

[@Molly-iw1rc]

This comment is tea though. I find the subject of women being overtly sexual and openly sexual is always put into the box of "you are sexualizing/fetishizing yourself" and it's always in the perspective of it being for men, when men are allowed to constantly be overtly sexual about themselves and they are just like "confident" or "creepy" but never told they are making their own bodies sexual because it's not that common to sexualize men's body in the same way it is normal to sexualize women. When women do overtly sexual things, they can't just be confident or open about their sexuality, they have to be objectifying themselves in a way that allows other people to do the same. And that's not how it should be viewed. Women should be able to be sexual with their own bodies without it being seen as an invitation. And women can be sexual without sexualizing their own bodies or selves for the public. When I think of Miley, she was being overtly sexual, but I never thought of her as a sexual object despite her maybe doing it to her self. It never bled into my perception of her as a human being, but I feel like people view a woman being sexual as an immediate invitation to objectify them.

[@sapphic.flower]

👏👏 fr

[@whoknows9085]

The problem here is that Miley did choose to sexualize herself or present herself as “more mature” by mimicking Black women But when she does it she looks cool and “mature”. When someone like Zendaya wears her hair in twists, however, she “looks like she smokes weed” even though she was in a formal attire for an event

[@TM-qt2ze]

@@whoknows9085 maybe I was living in a parallel universe to yours when Miley was in her "black" era, but no one was saying she was cool or mature back then, the opposite, she was mocked. A lot. Making fun of her was pretty mainstream.

[@samij6071]

​@@whoknows9085This is patently absurd. Absolutely no one was saying Miley was "cool and mature." In fact she was consistently crucified in media I also have a big problem with this idea of her being seen as sexual bc she was appropriating black culture or black women's aesthetic bc if that's the case are we saying black women are ,overtly sexual for doing what? Existing? The hard truth is that a lot of what is packaged as "black culture"is in facta very particular BRAND of black aesthetics that was not all that widespread in actual, living, normal everyday bp or specifically bw- it was marketing of "black culture" which was pushed by rich record company executives, most of whom were not black.

[@Blue74]

"Women are sex" is such a good description of how people view women and femmes. Sex is not a pleasurable experience you can enjoy with yourself or others, it's, to them, the women and femmes themselves.

[@pseudonamed]

yeah you hear it whenever men talk about "getting p*ssy".. like they're not talking about about dating or seduction, they're just talking about obtaining a body part to use how they want as if woman = vagina object

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

​@@pseudonamedI remember reading about a man who had a sex doll. He said that he took out the vagina and just carried it around with him all day, like a comfort blanket.

[@melodyvovan9205]

​@@rejectionisprotection4448😳

[@__rm307]

@@rejectionisprotection4448yeah reminds me of some random documentary I saw on Japanese culture. A man had a pillow shaped as a women’s legs kneeling. So he could put his head on a woman’s lap 🫠

[@MISSMADISONMEDIA]

I have to spend an hour digesting this comment 🧠

[@nikitamo2671]

The phantom invitations are so true when it comes to sexuality. People ask me the most inappropriate things because I’m gay, but then get offended when I turn it back on them.

[@Vanessa-vz5cw]

I was thinking the same thing. As a lesbian, not only have I had many dudes just stare at or catcall me and and my girlfriend while doing normal couple things, I've also had some very invasive questions from people I don't know that well. Somewhat recently, I've been asked by my gf's brother if I like scissoring (which is weird on so many levels) and a friend's mom asked me (and this was literally the first time I had met this woman) if I've had sex with a man before. Another weird one was a coworker once randomly asked me if he would be considered gay if he had sex with a transwoman - at work... This video made me really reflect on all this, the term "marked" is really apt for many of us queer folks.

[@liesjelualockse6377]

Phantom invitations, good term, hadnt heard yet, thnx

[@iameli330]

I dealt with this a lot in elementary, middle, and early high school. It's like our queerness, to them, is a "yes" to sexual harassment. It's disgusting.

[@Blondecountrygirl]

Exactly.

[@kjones5654]

Exactly! Ace folks get this a ton too-rarely can I come out to people without immediately being asked if I’ve ever tried having sex, and how I can know for sure that I’m ace without having sex. Would you ask a straight person you just met whether they’re sexually active?? Do straight people have to have sex with someone of their own gender to know they’re not attracted to their own gender?? Like queer folks didn’t just wake up and decide not to be straight one day, nor are we in denial that we are actually straight.

[@amorrow271]

As a woman in a disabled body, sexualization is a huge issue. You’re either infantilized or treated like a fetish. So much of what you said is so interesting and applies to disabled bodies as well as other marginalized groups. When you’re dehumanized so consistently throughout your life it also changes how you feel about and interact with your own body.

[@RexytheRexy]

This. This, this, this. I've been asked SO MANY TIMES about my sexuality and the things I can do or can't do as a physically disabled individual. It's exactly like people seeing me with a service dog or a cane and taking that as an invitation/entitlement to my legally protected medical information. The worst incident was when a man asked me out, then went, "wait, you have an infectious disease" and went on to tell me he couldn't have sex with someone with one, whether or not it could be sexually transmitted.

[@jackiealexander92530]

@@ville__ another comment to boost their channel in the algorithm, thanks buddy!

[@emixxixx3001]

😂😂😂😂Hmm ok

[@foxbuns]

💯

[@skallywalla502]

OMG THIS. It's incredible how quickly people can dehumanize disabled folks. My own spouse did this to me after I became disabled. The infantilism was next level, and I'm still trying to fight my way back from it.

[@sapphic.flower]

I remember saying how I liked the "aesthetic of sex" as an asexual person but as I unlearned beauty standards, I realized I was talking about the sexualization of women. We don't always notice the way we aestheticize the male fantasy, especially when we're taught to partake in it as "sexual liberation" (not to say sexual liberation is false or regressive but that it's been blurred by the commodification of our objectification).

[@cocoafreak7]

So interesting! Im asexual as well and used to say the same thing! Part of me had always been jealous of straight women who were able to confidently wear the "aesthetic of sex" but eventually I noticed how I was being jealous of not being able to receive the validation of the male gaze.

[@Concretesatanic]

Lol this is just a bunch of nonsense just say you’re a horny lesbian

[@Nikki-lh1tu]

SAME! I'm also ace and I liked the "aesthetic of sex". I think more than anything for me it was wanting to be that person, who could wear revealing clothing and just look stunning as they "slay" the day away. I felt like they embodied a type of confidence that I envied...

[@sapphic.flower]

@@Nikki-lh1tu I hear that! It's definitely a certain type of confidence that can really only exist because of male validation though which is 💀💀 unfair lol

[@zofiabiaka8336]

I am also ace and I remember when I was a teenager I used to wear revealing clothes, a lot of makeup and high heels because I liked how men treated me and looked at me then (even though I never wanted sex or anything like that). Now I know that I was basically objectifing myself and seeking male validation 🤮 I was even kind of jealous of straight women, because how can I be truly "liberated" if I don't want to have sex with random people and be a part of hook up culture? 😢😭

[@carebear3120]

I do love the obvious misogynistic mindset that so many men can't recognize in themselves that is "women that I'm not attracted to shouldn't exist". The vitriol that someone like Lizzo gets for just EXISTING as a fat, black woman is so absurd it's *almost* funny, like men get absolutely apoplectic whenever she comes up online, they can't handle that this person can be successful without being a sex object for them. Love this video (for real love this time), so full of important language and perspective from you and Julia and I hope it really opens some people's eyes to the reality of living as a 'marked' person.

[@Sillymodezeenith]

I love seeing this brought up! The same goes for trans people, I’ve seen so many people, shockingly not just men, have the knee-jerk reaction of anger when a trans person doesn’t exist as a sexual object for them- It’s so deeply dehumanizing.

[@thesevenkingswelove9554]

I am guilty of supporting people who men cannot "benefit" from. Like supporting women who are lesbians, women are so not attractive to them rather than straight beautiful women.. This is because men sex_ualize these women in the comment section .. It's so gross some men have no manners on the internet ik men irl that are nice but it's so difficult to think they are nice when so many men trash talk women in net

[@iameli330]

​ @thesevenkingswelove9554 that last part!!! I sit there sometimes and think, "I've mightve interacted with one of these losers before irl.". It makes me have trust issues :/

[@thegodzachieve]

beep beep lizzo just got sued because she s an awful human being. Who would've thought ? That a woman who gets praised for being fat and sees rainbows is actually a horrific human. It's so funny how leftists think. And i don't know what men you see thinking like that in the real world. People on the internet don't exist. My opinion and your opinion doesn't matter but here i am wasting my energy because i can't control it.

[@thegodzachieve]

@@thesevenkingswelove9554 Women talk shit equally as men do on the internet. No gender is at fault here. Everyone is insane on the internet when typing words. In irl nobody does that because it's not how life works. The number of people sexualizing women in real life i stand to believe that it's waaay smaller because you realize that it's a living creature. It's not some pixels that turn you on. It has opinions and a type of movement. Basically you are met with the normal feeling of shame and guilt you have when talking to any person. You can't say that shit you say online in real life because it's insane. If you base your thinking on the internet then idk what is in your mind really

[@lucyann1573]

The thing about rape culture actually being about control not just "guy finds you attractive and says so" is so true. It's them trying to dominate your existence like (for example) when they intentionally press their body up against yours when they have plenty of room to walk but choose to push you against a wall and be all on you. It's an intimidation tactic.

[@Savvy_Tsalagi]

I was having lunch with a group of friends and we got onto the topic of language. The men that we were with were astonished over the fact that I complimented a few of the women at our table or saying that our waitress was really pretty. Now to preface this, I am a cis-gendered, straight, woman. At this particular moment. I was maybe one of two heterosexual people at this table. So me complimenting these women seemed to blow these men’s minds that I meant nothing about what I was saying, other than what I was saying. It wasn’t sexual at all. And we had a conversation about how they couldn’t see past complimenting someone without wanting sex because many of them after they heard me compliment these women they are like ‘aren’t you straight’. These were gay, queer, and bisexual men-dumbfounded that my complimenting someone on their looks was not in anyway sexual. Which led to a frank conversation of like, they sexualized everything to the point that they only thought of intimacy in terms of sex. Which is something that has been spoken about more recently (men not getting intimacy unless with sex and how it’s harmful) but in that moment, it was news to me. And it made me sad that it goes so deep, that my friends can’t think of intimacy without thinking of sex and so therefore if they don’t have sexual partners, they go without.

[@Blondecountrygirl]

So sad. This is why it’s honestly hard for me to be friends with men lol

[@Shaytan.666]

Unfortunately that is well known problem for men especially in the lgbtq community because they don't get the same experience as straight men and when you add in toxic masculinity and misogyny you get men like your friends

[@vm1ccc]

As a bisexual this is pretty astounding coming from men from our camp. Like get a grip

[@WitchOracle]

I feel like this is directly related to the arguments around street harassment. A lot of men respond to enlightenment about street harassment with "what, so I can't give anyone a compliment?' and it's like... The compliment is not the problem, it's what that compliment means to you, the way you are using that compliment.

[@oreochocolate_lavacake9960]

this is actually so depressing

[@candicerachel5247]

"If i am not sexually attracted to you then you should not exist is such a good way to explain most straight men view on women. And we can even go further and because they also mostly see others men as "if you don't (help me) remind women that they are here to be sexually attractive, then you should not exist". The moment a straigth man treats women as more than sexual being he is berated by other men and called a simp. Homosexual men are hated and persecuted because most of the time as they don't see women in a sexual way they learn to appreciate us for what is left, which is us as a person. Plus, as they actually see other men in a sexual way, they can sexualise them, which they HATE because it makes them feel like us women.

[@branthlysauveur359]

That’s an interesting point with the men part. Men socialization is very interesting as I’ve been watching my brothers grow up and be socialized by our American society.

[@inathi1329]

You make great points. I've never thought that men might be reacting to being the sexual object of another person, especially a man, when it comes to homophobia. It explains why straight men are still in denial that women have specific male body parts they are attracted to like big butts or nice legs. They absolutely hate being viewed as desirable in that way as though they are the only ones allowed to do that to women. Their discomfort at being objectified means a lot of straight men understand on some level that being objectified is uncomfortable but they do it anyways

[@Isabel-sr8ep]

THIS.

[@dina-ls1rw]

Wow that last point is something I've never even thought of and its so true

[@univalent15]

​@@inathi1329 I'm sorry, but there are plenty of men who would kill for women to view them as desirable. Even random compliments make their day since it's so rare they get them

[@emilyonizuka4698]

omg yes the "marked vs unmarked" thing was talked about in my gender studies class back in uni. it was explained to us like, there are marked and unmarked groups. so if you're a woman or bipoc or disabled or anything, you have a "mark" on you so you stand out. and different behaviours are marked. so like wearing a dress is a mark of female behaviour, but it's okay if women do it because they're part of the marked group it's a part of, but if a man does it then it stands out and seen as bad because they're part of the unmarked group and now there's this mark that stands out. like you got a red marker and put a mark on them and it's noticeable.

[@bryna7]

Men dressing like women is "bad", but it's ok and even encouraged for women to dress like men.

[@treesea6843]

@@bryna7 it didn't used to be so okay for women to dress like men. It took work to normalize it to this point and I'm so grateful. Dressing too masculine as a woman can still be a bit stigmatizing if you look too butch tho. Still if only we can do the same for men dressing like women now and clothes eventually just become ungendered clothes the world will be so much the better for it imo.

[@sachinalani]

@@bryna7 a.) Women who dress "like men" are more socially accepted but this is a direct result of the patriarchal idea that men are better so obviously everyone will strive to emulate them. meanwhile women are lower on the social hierarchy so "stepping down" or choosing to not present as masculine is seen as "disgusting" and "weird" bc who would choose to not be male presenting? b) there are fascinating papers about women who dress masculiny who end up benefiting from patriarchy, but also their treatment from others typically lowers in quality. Women who dress femininely are "rewarded" by kinder treatment, which obviously differs depending on their looks. Most injustices against men stem directly from the harm the patriarchy has done to them. A good example is people who refuse to believe men can be abused/r*ped because of the prevalent patriarchal idea that men are dominating predators unable to be victimized. AND also it is a direct result of rape culture, the idea that men pursue and women guard until they're broken down, so when the genders are reversed men are once again given an "feminine " rank bc being a victim is inherently a female thing (in the society we happened to build here for the last 500 years 😋) . Sorry if this is rambley, this is just a topic I happen to know something about! I think men definitely need to get angry at how they are being mistreated, unfortunately the blame is often put on the wrong people....

[@emilyonizuka4698]

@@bryna7 yes because of the previously mentioned marked and unmarked behaviour

[@argusfleibeit1165]

@@sachinalani I have thought about the nearly global change of women allowed to wear pants. I couldn't wear pants to school until 1970. One thing never mentioned, is gaining the ability to protect one's sexual organs from easy access. Learning about historical Western women's clothing, they didn't wear under-drawers under their dresses until fairly recently. Even in the late 1800s, if there were "bloomers" being worn, they were just two legs sewn together-- no crotch covering. How convenient for men to rape you. Having the right to cover your vagina must have irritated a lot of men, since there was strong objection to women wearing pants so recently in our history,

[@Savvy_Tsalagi]

I’ll never forget the time I was walking around with my family as like a 10-11 year old who just hit puberty. My body developed in a way that is considered ‘ideal’ for like a 20 year old. But my curvy body as a preteen just wanted to be in Justice clothing or the rabbit graphic tee’s that were popular in the early ‘aughts. Instead what I got was having to shop in the women’s section to get things that could fit me and seeing a group of about 9 to 10 college age men coming towards me and my family-hearing them say something about my body and the fear I felt despite the fact that both my parents were right there. I’ve always been tall and I’ve always been ‘ahead’ of the curve, and typically walk through life like the Amazonian built woman I am But in that moment, me and my mom locked eyes and came to an understanding instantly that we were not safe. My dad, however, bent down to tie his shoe as we try to rush him to walk with us. As he took his sweet time, my mom grabbed me and we took off- the groups laughter following us as we try to weave through the parking lot to lose their attention. They knew how they were being perceived, and they were amused by our fear. And my dad had no idea and still has no clue of what really happened that day.

[@jaecityzen3415]

That’s so disgusting 🤢 im glad nothing happened to you

[@Iamhere829]

I’m sorry you went through that..but i don’t think you should’ve have scurried away like you’re scared.. You should’ve stood your ground..afterall , your parents were right there.. Albeit being prepared with a can of pepper spray.. Some men just enjoy the psychological trauma they inflict on women.. If we stand our ground.. they scurry away like little dickheads they are 😂😂

[@jitkadonnelly7844]

@@Iamhere829 op was only a young child when that happened, it's not realistic or fair to expect a scared 10-11 year old to stand up to a group of young men sexually harassing her. Her mum was scared too and felt the safest thing to do was to leave

[@Savvy_Tsalagi]

@@jitkadonnelly7844 exactly, I’m not afraid to stand up for myself, then or now. But a family of four with a pre-teen and a 6-7 year old and two adults, against a group of 9-10 healthy, young men? In a out of the way parking lot with no other people around. I’m not dumb, they were clearly after something, even if it was just our fear. My dad was oblivious and thought nothing of it, my mom knew exactly what could happen and how there was no one around to help if the worst came to worst. She made that decision then because she saw her young daughter be sexualized by a group of men much older than her and she saw her daughter- her typically fearless daughter-look to her for guidance with fear in her eyes, and she made a decision. I’ve traveled all over the world since then, by myself, and have experienced all sorts of things my mom never has. If I had that exact same moment happen to me, right now, I would make the exact same decision she made then.

[@beautifullyyflawedd]

I went through something similar when I was in grade school. I had a big butt & thick thighs so my dad would get upset when I’d pick uniform bottoms that were too fitting. I found out the hard way that he was doing it to protect me. The boys at my school would sexually harass me & smack my butt when I would wear fitting bottoms so I started to wear the loose fitting one’s my dad bought. 😢

[@alysciatravis1860]

I’m just gonna call this type of awareness a “sexuality shock,” especially during early puberty. I remember being just a kid and everything was just fun and games until I started receiving comments about my body changing and being pleasing. The pool was the worst 😂.

[@emexdizzy]

I remember that. I remember one specific pool day, too. I'm trans masculine and non-binary, so puberty was... especially hard, but I went from feeling very comfortable in my own skin to hating my body in a very in a way that felt like a head on collision with a wall. My autistic posture (arched back and toe walking) didn't help. It's taken... years to try to come to terms with that as an asexual and sex repulsed person feeling like I was thrust into a spotlight I didn't feel I had control over.

[@sprigganpanda]

Yeah, in junior high I was known for having an ass. It made me nervous to change in the open in the girl's changeroom but I also felt like I should be using the attention I was getting. Like I wouldn't know if people wanted to be my friend cuz they liked me or cuz they liked how I looked but aren't I so lucky that they care to talk to me at all? Being cat called when out and about and being touched I'd just think oh I should've worn baggier pants or a longer and baggier shirt, it's my fault for how I look. Even recently it still affects how I think, I lost 10 lbs and I couldn't help but worry about what I would do if I no longer had an ass. I know unwanted attention isn't my fault but there's that little thought that people won't want to talk to me anymore if they're not sexually attracted to me, that I need that attention for people to care about me, and my ass is the body part that has become attached to. Nowadays for the most part I just don't stop to think about how people percieve my body but it really does find a way to creep in and it makes you realize how ingrained in you it's become. I'm more than my ass but since I kinda just got a booty overnight and it was brought up so often it became an important part of who I was.

[@Cocoo231]

@@sprigganpanda so inspiring

[@jjsimps9273]

I felt this, I remember having fun playing outside and then one day like a on/off switch, I got a lot of comments in one day about how beautiful I was. It was weird because a lot of older people were the ones to start complimenting me

[@mirabanxx9218]

I swear preteen to teen aged boys made what were supposed to be fun, spring and summer pool days absolutely unbearable. It got to a point where if boys were invited I didn't even bother going to pool parties or get togethers. I didn't want to be grabbed and picked up against my will or have water violently splashed into my face. I just wanted to swim and play mermaids and jumping whales with my girlfriends in peace.

[@zombieeatslollipop]

The discussion around sexualization seems to be such a difficult one, because it is SO interwoven into our culture. I literally just had a guy reply to a comment I made on another video about how male Twitch creators have a much stronger hold on the platform, when women are blamed for "sexualizing" the platform and "taking over it"; and the guy's comment was just a long-winded rant about OF creators, about how 90% of them are female, and about how "not all women do it" but the ones who do shouldn't expect to be treated humanely because they're sexualizing themselves. He didn't say anything about those women just being treated SEXUALLY; they said those women are in the wrong for expecting to be treated HUMANELY. Then, they followed it up with a completely unrelated comment about how men have to "work out more" in order to reach the media's standard for men's bodies... It's so bizarre how much, but also how very little actually goes into the conversation about sexualization and/or what it "does to society".

[@beckysuperswag]

i think it’s goes to show that to be treated sexually in our society IS to be treated inhumanely. it’s why i believe there’s so much back lash for women who create only fans. it’s not simply because they’re “inviting” sexual attention, it’s because, in societies view, they are inviting degradation and humiliation. i often wonder why men see sex as so humiliating and degrading to women. i think the way sex has been shaped by our society has come from this lense of men’s self hatred. they seem to genuinely hate their own desires and thus hate the subject of their desires. there’s a lot of sexual shame and religious same shaping our society and its view on sex as being animalistic, devilish, degrading, scary, “dirty.” even the concept of doing the “nasty” or sending “dirty” photos. there’s this constant idea of purity vs dirty and the only ones who can have sex “cleanly” are those who perform the ritual in a heterosexual, cis, white way. i think a lot of this stems from eugenics and racism. fear of homosexuality. fear of sexual desire. fear of pleasure. fear of contamination. there’s so much fear in something that is quite literally the only thing our species needs for continued survival. almost as if we are taught hat having sex the wrong way could degrade our species or produce “lesser” offspring. there’s definitely a fear that sex makes us regress. there’s also this idea (that’s was talked about in the vid) that women control sex/are sex and therefore women control men. which is why despite factual and statistical evidence, men continue to say women have power over men because they control the “sexual marketplace.” not understanding that men give their power away and that men need to learn sexual responsibility and self control instead of saying that women are in control of their bodies and that it’s “natural” to be unable to control themselves. that’s a huge root of misogyny. this fear that women are orchestrating their every move, their sexual impulses. it’s actually narcissistic if you think about it. men can’t see women as people with individual motives. they genuinely think that a woman’s presence in an online space is an invitation to sex or sexual thought and that what she wears, says, how she smiles, it’s all this sort of orchestration on her part to entice him. and that he is blameless for any rude of vulgar thing he says to her, because SHE was communicating to him. it’s like how the video talks about phantom invitation. they see these invitations everywhere. that is the male gaze. they view women as always sexually available and accessible. there’s an entitlement to women’s bodies and to women’s sexuality. you see it in men who shame women who do porn but beg and shame beautiful women to make an only fans. i ask myself the question a lot: “why should anyone have sexual access to me? what makes me owe anyone sex? when is it okay for someone to treat me as if i have no boundary integrity? as if i have no choice? no say? as if asked for any of that?” there’s never any good reason for someone to behave that way towards me. if someone projects their desire onto me and says “you wanted it” as an excuse….that is called delusion. i believe many modern men are unfortunately delusional in this way. there’s no other way to put it.

[@davespriter]

it’s interesting to see these systems operating in the subconscious of people like that and they can’t like seem to see the false equivalencies and double standards going on there no matter how many times it’s explained to them. at least, it’s interesting for a moment and then it becomes boring then frustrating then mind numbing when it’s like the majority of cishet guys who are like that. but still… it’s also interesting. because they don’t see it even as they’re participating in it.

[@zombieeatslollipop]

@@davespriter it's like a subconscious confirmation bias they have towards feminine creators/people. Certain ones refuse to see us as fully suffering/feeling creatures and that bias/false narrative allows them to do that. It's like second nature for them to use OF or "slutty photos" as a justification for our suffering, even if they are causing said suffering, when they've simply just been socialized to believe that women are only doing that out of spite toward men. I think cishet men even fear other genders/races and come to the conclusion that we are trying to cause them harm, unless the person intentionally comes off as "smaller" than them, or "submissive" to them. It has practically stunted them into a borderline "child" state, where it seems that they can't begin to learn or accept how much adults go through and submit to just to exist in modern society, let alone a male-dominated capitalist society.

[@maxgurman633]

I just saw the FD signifier video on ‘what makes a man desirable’ and he did a great job showing how all the “expectations” on men’s bodies to be really fit are just imposed by other men. There is almost no pressure from women to look stupidly fit since (big surprise!) women typically aren’t as shallow as men and are looking for someone with a personality. Like @ferret said, women actually have it bad, and men just pretend they do

[@beckysuperswag]

can we also talked about this concept of markedness vs unmarked and the way white people view being marked as this special privilege. being racialized especially, i find many white people love to say that being racialized having an “identity” is a privilege. while not understanding that this racial identity and racialized body only exists because a white person made white the default, and the norm, and that i can never be a girl like a white girl is a girl, but i have to be a black girl. i am marked. it’s why so many white people balk at being called “white people” because they have always been privileged to consider themselves as people. like yeah, we would love to be just people too, but you attribute so much stigma, so many negative tropes to us based off the color of our skin. even “woke” white people who attribute “positive” stigma to black people. like being helpers, being better a working, having “wisdom” or some other supernatural connection or knowledge. the trope “magical” negro comes to mind. for black girls it becomes more so a manic pixie dream girl offshoot, we’re the “helpers” to white people that show them a new side of life. they envision us in these helper roles simply because we’re marked.

[@sovannah9219]

and then they gas light us that they're all colorblind all along like... On one hand, as a Khmer we're proud to be Khmer and we love our culture and I do want to be seen as such but on the other hand, I don't want to be limited, I want us to be fully seen and have access to all that is humanity. For some Asians, it's hard to convince them that even the "positive" stereotypes are harmful cause it obscures the full picture and to be seen as fully human

[@TheProletariat321]

Stereotypes are always harmful. Even if people see them as "positive". For example: there's a stereotype that black men have big "members" and many white people (mostly women) seggsualise them because of it. They might think fetishizing people of a different race is a compliment, but not only do these stereotypes have a really dark origin (relating to chattel slavery), they just view black people (and other non-european people) as seggs objects.

[@beckysuperswag]

@@TheProletariat321 i agree. i remember friends in HS saying they would have sex with a black person so they could have beautiful babies and it just comes off as this weird “get out” kind of mindset. my experience is that a lot of compliments i get as a black person, i try to ask myself “would a white character from get out, say this?” especially comments on our physical bodies. it’s very icky and fetishizing. i know lots of people have positive interracial dating experiences, but i often wonder how much racism they have to endure, tolerate, or disregard in order to remain in those relationship.

[@ranbummerz729]

I sometimes forget that KZbin can have poignant, yet profound comments like this

[@beckysuperswag]

@@ville__ to convince someone that their reaction to racism is “crazy” or unreasonable can be a form of racial gaslighting. to say that a black person or a person in a different racialized group should receive a racist comment as a compliment is a form of gaslighting. it’s to say “you are crazy/over reacting/etc for not receiving my racism as a compliment.” it’s to say “your reality is not real and your race makes you unable to see a reality that i, a white person, can see.” when the other person commented about color blindness, to be white and say you don’t notice the races of other people can also be a form of gaslighting. as in “i wasn’t thinking that racist thought because i don’t even see black, i just see a person!” the fact is that isn’t true. it’s not possible for white people to view black as the default because of the way white people are socialized to be the prioritized racial group. white people tend not to see their OWN racial identity, they don’t think of themselves as white people, they think of themselves as people. when white people see black people, because black people are marked, things stick to them, different stigmas stick to black people. whether it be a fetishization of their sexuality, the thought that they’re all naturally good a sports, a thought that most black people are thieves (oh wow which race stole an entire people from their homeland?) etc etc. yet when black people point out “hey, that’s a stigma about black people and i don’t feel you see me as an individual person” white people are quick to play the victim: “i would never! how dare you say that i could do something like that!”

[@dameazize]

I think there is also an problem of separating aesthetics/attraction from sexualization. I am pretty asexual and not looking to find a partner, but I like looking pretty and attractive. However, looking "nice" is so tied up with looking either sexy or at least mildly sexual that if you asked me to dress aesthetically attractive without dressing sexually I would really struggle to do it.

[@peiithos]

its honestly why the fashion i wear now (lolita/egl), historical, and some vintage fashions are the only things i feel comfortable in. i also love looking pretty. i adore looking pretty, its when im at my happiest. but so much of fashion is so... sexual. and its so uncomfortable. im happy i found fashions that arent sezualized or at least arent AS sexualized. im ace too, aroace specifically, and i hate the tightrope that is wanting to look pretty but most of being pretty is just being sexy or somewhat sexual. its hard to find that comfortable balance.

[@sparklynai]

The mindset is also important in this though, it doesn’t have to be sexual or anything else if you don’t perceive it to be.

[@avril6922]

​@@sparklynaiYeshhh

[@marte1376]

​@@peiithosi love being sexy. I think all looks better when you have a nice body shape haha

[@peiithos]

@@marte1376 thats awesome!! im happy u enjoy it :)

[@jujutsucryin3256]

What strikes me about sexuality of women into just parts is that flat chested and big chested women are two sides of the same coin. In my experience since I was 11 I had already held so much value in my body and appearance that when I didn’t develop up top (still an A cup to this day) I got majorly dysmorphic for years until I started to address it. The point I’m making is though I lacked what I believed attracted a man is the very thing I get commented on. The sheer amount of things that were said about my body, particularly my chest is astounding. My ex’s younger brother always had some joke or comment to make about my small chest and my ex himself made some jokes in his time. His dad even asked my ex what is attractive about me considering I didn’t have any ass or boobs. It’s like because I’m lacking it gives just as much invitation to ask question or make comments on my body as much as someone who is busty because I don’t fit what a “typical woman is supposed to look like” in their eyes. There’s no winning with some people

[@joypomeroy1452]

I relate to this

[@bodyhairpositive9485]

Miley knew exactly what she was doing. It had nothing to do with making her fans see her as "mature" and "not a Disney girl anymore". It had everything to do with making Disney, not want to be associated with her anymore. Disney was awful with her and she had to get out of Disney. That was the only way.

[@grandempressvicky6387]

For real. This company thought it owned her. They tried to copyright her own damn name. The audacity of this corporation is WILD.

[@leighlavigne5482]

@@grandempressvicky6387right? Watching them fight DeSantis is so weird! Like watching Darth Vader fight the Terminator! Or voting for the guy who is just better than the other guy.

[@MarillSweatshirt]

Ok.... but why appropriate black culture and dismiss it when convenient?

[@bamboleo6348]

@@MarillSweatshirt because of how inherently sexual they view black culture as

[@o_o8203]

@MarillSweatshirt that's always been whites' relationship to blackness since the wretched spawning of white supremacy

[@whatlee8671]

This was a really great video, I wish we talked more about cis gay men can often be very misogynistic and perpetuate misogynistic traits by deeming anything feminine as other/not good enough. But then, in the same breath, call themselves feminist, an advocate for their women friends, family and coworkers. But then they shit on gay cis men who are more feminine presenting. The “no fats no fems” bros…. They are just as bad as some straight men.

[@Dojafish]

There are types of dudes likes this . But most gay Men prefer other feminine men. Also Bara exist which is inclusive of various bidy types . Of course to muscular ,to more fat or men who have Belly's , lean , bulk and sometimes include feminine men . Usually only feminine Gay Men get more accept and represent than any other types of Gay Men, from outside and within the community . As I said this types of Gay Men exist, but it's not as often as you portray it to be .

[@beckysuperswag]

i find gay men sexualize women the same when straight men do. and it’s supposed to be different because they’re gay. nah dude, just because i’m not an “object you would use” doesn’t mean you’re not treating me like an object.

[@whatlee8671]

@@Dojafish that’s your opinion, but in my city, and being openly out and bisexual for the last 10 years, that is what I come across the most people have preferences for masculinity versus femininity.

[@itsgabbybtch5587]

​@@whatlee8671It depends, you're right, but in queer communities there's also an expectation if you're feminine to be feminine in a certain way. I'm not a man, I'm AMAB nonbinary, but I struggle to find men who don't think trans femmes who're hairy aren't gross. Queer men who prefer feminity can be pretty shit to femmes too basically, so it's not fun being feminine in the community often times.

[@iameli330]

@@itsgabbybtch5587 as a femme nb, I understand thissss 😩 There is a lot of femmephobia in the queer community and it makes me feel insecure about my femininity tbh. 😕

[@sadiewood7302]

i’m glad to see new disney stars such as olivia rodrigo break into a more mature side of their music and career after being on a kid’s show, while still being authentic and doing what they truly wanna do rather than feeling pressured to act overly sexual to get the point across that they are now adults. i hope this continues as the current stars get older.

[@Molly-iw1rc]

The worst part of the idea of objectifying yourself is that I don't mind someone understanding that men often sexualize women's body (speaking very vaguely) and possibly using that to make money (speaking VERY generally). But it's scary about how you may subconsciously sexualize yourself and objectify yourself because it is very normalized, like when teenagers objectify themselves for adults because they think that's what beauty is. As a queer, non-binary (but woman-percieved), autistic girlie who identifies as asexual, it's so complicated. My accidental naivety is sexualized (especially by older men), my non-binary identity is ignored most of the time, and my queerness is ignored or questioned because my hair is longer and I don't objectify women that I like (?) Lmao Sexualization will always be a weird topic for me because I know what it looks like and I have an idea of what people sexualize, but it still surprises me how many innocent things and actions are normally sexualized by people. Like red lips is sexualized, any not long skirt is sexualized, eating is sexualized, long socks are sexualized, clothes that fit correctly or tightly are sexualized, talking about your body in any way is sexualized (especially if you are talking about part associated with women), being naive is sexualized, being mature when you are younger is sexualized, being traumatized is sexualized, like the list of dumb stuff that people find sexy or find as an invitation for sex is appalling and weird. And then for women and people with boobs and a butt and people who "look like they have a vagina" practically anything you do can be sexualized. My body hair is like repellent for men but also some sexualize that as well 🫠 like I'm not a sex object because I have boobs please get away

[@beckysuperswag]

you’re not alone. the biggest struggle of growing up as a woman is understanding that “growing up” and “maturing” is actually just sexualization and accepting sexualization. one instance i remember is the concept of a bikini. when you’re young this is seen as something older girls wear, it’s natural to graduate from a one piece to a two piece. but in eventually wearing the two piece you discover that simply wearing it is seen as an invitation to sex. it’s a signal of, not only being sexually available, but of wanting sexualized looks or being on the end of sexualized comments. personally i don’t think an article of clothing can be considered consent to sexual activity, but growing up these are the rules no one explains but expects you to understand. because apparently innocent, good girls who don’t want to be cat called or molested wouldn’t dream of wearing a two piece. and yet in reality…it doesn’t matter what you wear. people are assaulted in all kinds of clothing. i feel like girlhood is this navigation of all these unspoken and confusing rules. of wielding this “power” and responsibility for how others treated me or reacted to me. and especially being black i was perceived as more mature and adult, so I should therefore know exactly how i was being perceived at any given moment. black girlhood is such responsibility. i also deal with the same treatment of being queer not being seen as real because i don’t sexualize women in the way my male partners wanted me to. i feel like my sexuality has evolved so much past objectification that i’m not sure what it is anymore. it’s hard to navigate this landscape. it still seems like there are so many nuances and rules that i have to be aware of. like a tight rope walk of things to do in order to remain human in other people’s eyes.

[@assas1nscreed]

@beckysuperswag There are many aspects of 'the struggles of womanhood' (in quotation marks cos not every person who experiences that prejudice identifies as such) that I cannot relate to as a man. Your comment has enlightened me, and helped me realise implicit biases I had within me. The bikini anecdote/ example really struck a chord. Thank you for making me think !

[@WhatWouldLubitschDo]

Yes, all of this. It’s so fkn exhausting.

[@kellharris2491]

Yeah this is so true it hurts my soul.

[@zeefaaldown3231]

Reading this felt like reading my own experience, you’re absolutely right 😅🥲

[@chocotoasties2671]

It's kinda hard for me to feel sorry for Miley during that era, or anyone who appropriates hiphop culture to paint themselves as "mature." I'm tired of white women in particular pandering to desirability with Black aesthetics and wanting sympathy for the negative effects they receive. Black women don't get to shed that off when it gets uncomfortable for them, yet White women treat Black aesthetics like a costume and expect solidarity when that desirability comes with dehumanization.

[@BellesView]

Bingo!

[@beckysuperswag]

i agree it’s almost like saying “wow it’s actually sooo hard to be a black woman and people keep sexualizing me without my consent. who would’ve thought! uwu” like okay Miley, pick up a history book.

[@amentrison2794]

I completely agree with your assessment here, but I personally feel a bit sympathetic bc they're clearly going through it too. Though I understand why you would feel that way.

[@tigress27559]

Absolutely agree!

[@vanillakilla64]

@@amentrison2794the lack of accountability makes it hard to empathize. Most celebs want to just move on and act like it never happened instead of taking accountability of how harmful their actions were. Example the Kardashians, fully aware of how the capitalized on Black culture and choose to ignore it and discard it when it no longer is beneficial to them. Also hard to empathize with the the wealthy who rarely empathize with us lol but that’s my opinion

[@davkar6963]

What you said about the sexualization of queer People is really true I remember that my school acidentally discovered that i was pansexual,i was Just really pround and stupid about it,i let that thought die after a lot homofhobia as it was a rumor But then a girl i talked about spread the informmation,and the bullyng got really tough,and the way people are homofhobic in Brazil is that they are always treathing you sexually ,tô the point where i got really innaproprietly touched on the bathroom by some guys who where "joking",when i talked about this with a friend of mine about it she said that this could easily be considered sexual assault(pulled my hair,tried tô take of my shirt or shorts,tried tô force me tô kiss them,etc)and it kinda hit me I never considered this,because i didnt considered me atracttive enough tô be sexuallized,and as a men i didnt considered me worth of being sexually assaulted

[@kittypeanut4102]

That sounds awful, i'm sorry you had to go trough all that

[@frankenfurterr3432]

"allegedly twerking" is SO funny to me cause twerking is just anything nowadays 💀jumping backwards on beat? twerking! wind blew your booty cheeks too hardt? twerking! 😂 maybe i take it to seriously lol but its an art form! 🥰

[@myemoreligion]

as a transmasculine non-binary person i am constantly sexualized by cishet men, because they percieve me to be a woman. It happens a lot even when they know and say they "accept" my identity as being non-binary, and they see no qualms in reducing me to the parts of my body i am most dysphoric about. and it doesnt help that a lot of chasers have a detrans fetish too, where they hope they can "turn" transmasculine and trans men into cis girls. its. vile.

[@WhatWouldLubitschDo]

Wow that’s disgusting. I guess thinking they can “turn” lesbians and bisexual women straight didn’t give them enough people to harass and abuse 😡

[@myemoreligion]

@@WhatWouldLubitschDo it's genuinely very similar, cishet men see trans men and masc people as girls, so they feel entitled to our bodies the way that they feel entitled to lesbian and bisexual womens' bodies. its gross

[@Heyitschy03]

You can’t be trans & nonbinary.

[@jackiealexander92530]

Oh god that idea of “turning” makes me want to throw up 🤢

[@Vexxa_]

honestly people should get together and write a book about how different chasers are for trans men and transmasc people because i was *shocked* when i wasnt hit with the trans woman/transfeminine experience i had heard so much about, but an entirely different experience that i had way less information about how to navigate

[@iateyursandwiches]

18:57 someone once said: it's easy to be happy and calm(as a conservative) when you spend your life being ignorant or not being empathetic to all the suffering in the world(often due to your actions )

[@kittypeanut4102]

Absolutely true.

[@Isabel-sr8ep]

EXACTLY it’s easy to dismiss something that you benefit from or something that doesn’t affect you and never will their logic is “if it doesn’t happen to me/ I don’t see it then it isn’t real”

[@iateyursandwiches]

​​@@Isabel-sr8ep yeah, that's why I disagree with her offense to the study. I'm not offended at all. It only makes sense because ignorance IS bliss clearly. I think they have also found that with people who are more left leaning on general as opposed to right wing.

[@kattail1429]

Khadija, I am an older french woman and I am so happy you are here on youtube to do what you do. You are a very entertaining teacher. I wish you all the best.

[@Wura18]

I just didn’t like how Miley used black rap culture as a way to deviate herself from her childlike Disney imagine. She could have still shown people she wasn’t a little girl anymore without appropriating.

[@ruminationstation4200]

Yup, wore stereotypical blackness like a costume specifically to get sexualized, and then transitioned back to "white" genres like country and rock once she wanted to be taken seriously.

[@simon_777]

The way some people talk about these things it sounds like they (the people "using" different cultures are purposely appropriating those cultures with malicious intent to get all the benefits of the culture appropriated without acknowledging the negative sides or the negative perception it may have. Like it was all a big scheme to get more attention because it's popular and cool. That's just what I get from this.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

​@@simon_777Because that's exactly what it was.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

​@@ruminationstation4200Right, so I've no sympathy or empathy for her.

[@mimiandy1683]

Another person who did it, but wasn’t shitted on: Christina Aguilera during her “Dirrty” era.

[@HeavenlyEchoVirus]

I think a key difference is, if you are choosing and consenting to be seen as a sexual person, a human capable of being sexual, that is usually not choosing to be seen as always, only, and inherently sexual. You expect that you’ll still be seen as a full person. But for those who risk sexualisation by society, we can almost never fully have this. We might get lucky with sexual partners or non judgemental friends, but we know and expect if we indicate we are sexual in any way, it’s out of our control. A bad partner might reduce us to what we do for them. Society might see us as a threat, or an offering. And I think what is most telling is, being non-sexual (asexual or celibate) will not get you out of this, if you are marked for sexualization. Someone will always turn whatever day to day human things you do-running errands, being sick, doing work-into something sexual about you or for them, and when it comes directly to your asexuality/lack of sexual activity, they will find a way to fetishize it (I.e. a challenge, purity fixation, etc.). When this happens to those not marked, it’s immediately seen as creepy and a violation. But not for the marked.

[@elfdragon1227]

I am quite a busty woman and it's been... Gross thinking on how people think they could talk to or treat me simply because I was in a D cup in high school and am currently in DDD/F. Even other girls felt free to touch my body however they wished. One of my close high school friends just reached over and grabbed my chest "because [she] felt like it". I also found out a couple of female friends chose to ask a male friend if he'd want to grope me--he at least responded something a touch more respectful about "earning" it. For a more recent example, while I was still attending independent wrestling shows, a wrestler took a special interest in me after I tweeted my disappointment in that I accidentally left the poster I purchased from his team. I was lonely at the time, so I leaned into it... Then he vanished and the wife I didn't know existed popped into my DMs. We talked through it and I found out that the reason he wanted anything from me was because I had a large chest... And then she asked me a couple of questions about my chest. (Which the fact that he chose to tell her personal stuff I disclosed to him made me feel exposed in a way I really didn't like.) I didn't ask for this trait. I didn't choose it. It's incredibly inconvenient to my life, from clothes to interactions with other people to my own physical well-being (razorbacks are painful to wear for very long).

[@dianamerchant1026]

My own gynecologist made me feel uncomfortable talking about my breast size while checking them, talking about “wow you have big boobs”. I was 12. That was not appropriate. I’m sorry people treat us this way. We are more than our bodies.

[@getturkeyvirus]

@@dianamerchant1026 fucking excuse me? That's so wildly inappropriate; i hope you could report that doctor somehow

[@gregvs.theworld451]

Dude here, and I had a weird af experience the other day at my work. For context I work maintenance at a Walmart, mostly sweeping floors. Some guys walked up to me and asked if any short Hispanic women were working that night, because they look "bad" and they wanted to hit on them. I had to inform them that I'm not at liberty to just tell customers about what employees are working that day and where they are, nor am I going to direct a bunch of strange dudes their way to go harass them. Okay, I'm an autist who freezes in awkward situations so maybe I didn't say all that in quite as succinct and eloquent way, but I sure as hell didn't give them the info they wanted, and further where the hell do they get off thinking that's acceptable behavior or that I was going to indulge their quest to act like goons and bother female employees?

[@iateyursandwiches]

​@@gregvs.theworld451I dotn think you're autistic. Maybe just introverted and shy. It's possible for people to just be that without being autisitc...

[@gregvs.theworld451]

@@iateyursandwiches I was literally diagnosed as a kid. I wouldn't claim to be something if I'm not sure I am that thing.

[@athenathemself]

I feel like I've been trained in "where to look" through the male gaze of cameras and trained how to "evaluate bodies" in a way that feels abstract sometimes and is divorced from any of my actual sexual interests. Like I was given a language and script for How to do Objectification and How to Self Objectify When I want Sex but none of it ever included my personhood or actual interests. My sexual desires aren't often ignited by the sense of LOOKING in the way I think we're all taught they "should" be or in a way that we all assume one another to be. The more I talk about this, the more I meet others who are experiencing the shades of asexuality/demisexuality/sapiosexuality that I've realized I belong within. And it fascinates me and disgusts me that I was often participating in a set of rules that had nothing to do with my own sexual preferences. It's been challenging to be in a world where the evaluation and commenting on my body from the outside has felt PERPLEXING and bizarre and yet "that's just the way it is" or "he's just COMPLIMENTING YOU" and "use your body to your ADVANTAGE! if u got it flaunt blah blah blah" as these sorts of Tactics to navigate dating/social relationships. I really loved this video and it gave me a lot of insight into the pressure I've seen so many people I love feel.

[@melisabunjaku1913]

This sort of explains why I as a young woman, feel really bad and have low self-esteem when men don't look or catcall me on the streets. Like i legit would feel a sense of visibility and being attractive only if i would randomly get attention from men or if they would text me,comment in my pics etc. Outside of that, i constantly feel like I am not attractive enough because I have not been approached a lot by men my age. It's really hard to get out of this mindset, and it's actually really problematic for me as I can't seem to escape it.

[@danieller.2067]

Girl, I totally feel like you. I am 21 years old and it's so hard to talk about that with others women, because I feel like they would say I am disgusting or needy just because I want this kind of male attention. And it's not even like I really wants that, is that I feel undesirable seeing others women having it but me. And I also feel like you even about not having attention of men of my age (flirting and this stuffs).

[@Nikkiow0]

I feel the same and I always felt guilty about it. I want to feel pretty, desirable. It doesn't help that I'm from latin america, were girls are extremely sexualized and sadly some says things like "If you have never been catcalled on the streets then you are ugly". I can't take that fc king comment out of my head, I can't help but feel ugly. I kinda want to sexualize myself because of that... I wish I was pretty for the male gaze, and I really hate myself for wishing that.

[@acasoimporta_2729]

​@@Nikkiow0depende de que país de Latinoamérica seas la verdad, la hipersexualizacion es peor en países caribeños que andinos por ejemplo

[@Nikkiow0]

@@acasoimporta_2729 Tenés toda la razón, soy argentina y venezolana, vivo en Argentina así que aca la sexualización está pero no al nivel de Venezuela, en Argentina también hay mucho acoso callejero, igual los comentarios que escuche fueron sobre todo en internet y algunos chistes de personas no tan cercanas. Por suerte estoy mejor, el día que escribí tuve un bajón.

[@leighlavigne5482]

Bi-sexual women too, once people know you’ve been with a woman? Good lord, I was truly in love with one woman 20 years ago. I also find it very hard to say no to pretty girls!! I’ve been married to a man for 18 years!! My male friends still ask 🤦🏻‍♀️. I still think women are beautiful, how dare I? Aesthetically, lol, nothing to do with sex! I’m trying to explain to cis straight males. My husband gets it! It’s a chance to educate, but also, not their gd business!! It depends on my mood, I think.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Fun Fact: Britney Spears, Ryan Gosling and Keri Russell were part of the same Disney group.

[@angelr5694]

The Mickey Mouse Club

[@brendonsgirl21]

Lol May as well throw in JC Chasez in there, too.

[@puffitale]

@@brendonsgirl21 At least someone did. Adding Dee Dee Magno Hall & Tony Lucca

[@PokhrajRoy.]

ON TODAY’S TOP STORIES: - Miley was “allegedly twerking”: Khadija Mbowe

[@oneinemilyon2481]

Only halfway through, but all the stuff about being marked and people seeing it as an invitation to get up in your space and ask you everything really is familiar as a visually disabled person (wheelchair user). Not even going into inspiration porn and being condescended to or infantilised, I genuinely don't remember the last time I went somewhere like the supermarket and didn't get a 'jokey' comment about my disability or wheelchair ("Careful, don't mow us all down!" etc). Sometimes, I get asked sincerely about why I "make being disabled part of my identity". I don't have a choice. It is overwhelmingly the first thing strangers notice about me, the first thing they comment on. I have some sort of semi-high theory about people in general are just looking for connection, so they pick the first thing they notice about someone in means to strike up a conversation, whether that be a positive connection and trying to chat or a negative one and an insult or backhanded comment. I realise this is very off topic of the video by now but thanks for being my journal entry. Love the content

[@NeyamStar]

This is why I love the internet you can portray yourself however you want and they just have to take your word for it

[@twomarie]

The marked thing really clicked for me when I read a post online about how a young female gymnast had to unenroll from her college due to safety, because she had posted photos of herself existing as an attractive person in the world. All these men felt entitled to her body space and time and were showing up at her campus harassing her, and people in the comments of the post argued that because she was okay with posting her body and location in one context she must forevermore be available to the public and has no agency to be left alone as if consent isn't revokable. Scary.

[@leighlavigne5482]

Your content never fails, and you are so well spoken!! I was friends with a woman transitioning in her late 30’s, and she moved to a bigger centre and her experience was so hyper terrible! She was raped, held against her will and threatened often. And I didn’t realize how many “unwritten rules” I’ve lived by! Don’t get in a car, don’t be in a room (especially a motel room) alone with a man you don’t know, and on and on. She’d been a victim when she’d presented male, but wasn’t prepared for being even more vulnerable than a cis woman. Predators often want the MOST vulnerable. I absolutely told her this WAS NOT her fault, that everyone this has happened to feels stupid! She was raped again in our home town, I went with her to report. The officers got the predators side and decided it was “unfounded”. I told the cop he revictimized her, he asked for my number. FTP!! Paying for robots? No! Pay for WORKSHOPS!! I’m sick of having to say “I’m a career criminal”, in a cute way, so I don’t inspire cop rage!! And I’m beyond sick, beyond angry, beyond TIRED of rape culture.

[@ericaj4494]

"you are so well spoken" ..... 😒

[@elleofhearts8471]

😒

[@wormonastring56]

I'm going to try and approach this in good faith, in hopes you will be educated. Telling someone who is black they are well-spoken isn't the complement I think you intended. The undertone is the stereotype that black people are uneducated and unintelligent. The complement is in essence, wow you are black and educated. That's amazing. This totally untrue and founded from years of purposeful defunding and destroying of resources meant to empower black people and then the subsequent pointing and using that systematic disenfranchisement as further justification. I can give examples if you'd like, however The Color of Law is a great book that breaks this down. I truly don't understand why you brought up your friends experiences as a trans person with sexual assault, this is coming from a trans person who has experienced sexual assault and rape. Your experiences and how this video made you think and what it made you think of is enough of a comment. Centering your friends experiences, sharing details of her assualt in a random comment section isn't ok. It feels like you think maybe your friends experiences are more relevant to the conversation, and thats why you used her story. I guess my conclusion and discomfort lies in that you kinda tokenised your friend here.

[@ChillingTales12]

​@@ericaj4494Whats that supposed to mean?

[@GreenGorgeousness]

It's called implicit consent and men the world over live by it, believe so heavily in it they use it as a weapon for sexual activity. I hate implicit consent. It leaves far too many vulnerable, like your friend, who wasn't growing up taught all the insane things we do to protect ourselves from those assuming consent. Clothing, cosplay, close proximity, and sexual content are all perceived as consent. Authorities have the same mindset, so seeking out justice in those cases will be almost impossible.

[@Nicktoon100]

the timing on this video is amazing considering the ice spice music video that dropped recently involving a 16 yr old

[@leena5875]

yes with aya. she’s a year younger than me. I post on tiktok as well and weird men tell me i sexualize myself by posting my body in regular clothes meanwhile this girl is literally twerking on the internet and hanging around grown men and women

[@CaptainMorganne1227]

HUH?!

[@s29nv1sr1]

I genuinely thought this video was posted because of that lol. I was like "damn Khadija really churned a video out really quickly" 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@Molly-iw1rc]

Wait what happened?

[@DOCTOR.DEADHEAD]

yes. and before weirdos start talking about sum "you're the ones seeing her in that way", while it's true everyone no matter their age should be able to freely express themselves without being reduced to their parts, there's a responsibility on the adults looking after minors to make sure they aren't being depicted in certain ways online, because they KNOW the danger that comes with that.

[@saraiemmanuel6617]

Talking about being marked and strangers feeling entitled to ask you All The Questions because of it reminded me of an experience I had shopping recently. Because I'm very visibly genderqueer, this guy figured he could ask me about all the gender things (and because I am that person I was happy to answer as best I could, but that's beside the point). What struck me while watching this video was thinking about how he'd approached me with "I was wondering if you could help me" in an inflection that had me thinking "I'm pretty sure I don't look like an employee right now, but okay?" And how much that highlights how he, at minimum, saw me at that moment as a service provider on the level of a grocery store worker. All because he had questions about gender and I looked very gender. Thank you for such a great discussion, as always! ❤❤

[@WhatWouldLubitschDo]

@ImAKangwithnokingdom Existing outside of a strict, reductive, oppressive set of arbitrary standards designed to exert control over people in order to form and reinforce class hierarchies isn’t something people do for attention. Conforming as best one can is the painful price of attempting (often unsuccessfully) to avoid negative attention. Hey, there’s a great video *right here* that you should watch about dehumanizing people based on your perception of their sexual characteristics!

[@saraiemmanuel6617]

@ImAKangwithnokingdom Where did I say I was upset? I was making an observation about someone else's behaviour towards me. And as @whatwouldlubitschdo1876 said, I don't dress like this for attention but because this is how I get to be my whole self.

[@melodyvovan9205]

Gaslighted? you re an intruder sir and you are rude af

[@stockingsstuffer6302]

@ImAKangwithnokingdom you asked, they answered, you refused to believe it due to willful ignorance or otherwise. Fixed your comment bud

[@ThestarryeyedHermit]

@ImAKangwithnokingdom Did you watch the video??

[@willow417]

💕💕 Thank you for bringing on Julia! I am a 21 yo trans woman and she spoke to my long-term trepidations and grievances with being objectified and being subjected to trans-chasers’ desires. I don’t have a high “body count” and it has a lot to do with encountering ppl who desire trans bodies over the humanity that resides in them. I am highly dysphoric about my body; I know I personally need bottom surgery, and my humanity and dysphoria aren’t a part of their fantasies. I am expected by them to then leave both my humanity and dysphoria behind when entering into a sexual experience with them, something I cannot do. Her views and ideas on derivitisation aligned with many of my views and I am now more equipped to explain to others how it feels to be derivitised

[@Sillymodezeenith]

I’ve thought about sexualization and it’s relation to value (and have an essay in the works about it), I am a disabled trans man (I use It/Its pronouns), so when I talk about sexualization, it’s from the perspective of a white disabled person. I was socialized as female during my upbringing (etc: I was subjected to sexualization that girls go through), so that also plays a significant role in my perspective. It’s a common theme between many marginalized people; especially where trans, visibly disabled, and fat people are concerned. All three of these groups have significant overlaps. Attraction to us is deemed as sexually deviant; Its treated as if we can only be attractive in the context of fetishes and chasers; However, our value is also boiled down to whether or not we’re sexually attractive to the ‘normal’ people. Our activism is discarded because the discrediter does not find us sexually appealing. Oftentimes you’ll see cis men and TERFS ignore any topic brought up with the simple deflection of “I don’t want to fuck you, so I don’t care.” It’s most likely a product of socialization, where many people are only able to engage with the idea of a person or relationship in a psychosexual manner. This can also be seen in misogynists using the excuses such as ‘feminists are ugly’ and ‘feminists are fat’ as ways to protect their ego and world view from scrutiny. My question is, why does that matter? What place does a single person’s sexual preference hold when discussing cultural and societal issues? Why does one’s sex appeal determine their worthiness as a human, and if you *want* that to play a role, how much? How much does that metric determine, when the prerequisites include being white, cisgender, able bodied, and adhering to Eurocentric beauty standards. Americans also have a tendency to assume their preferences are applicable to everyone, world wide; and through colonization that standard has been enforced (example: racism and colorism in India). Many people, especially cis men, struggle to view people outside of their immediate gratification, as well having as a general lack of empathy for ‘outsiders’. Overall, it’s extremely dehumanizing and disheartening when the discussion starts with “Trans people disproportionately commit, considered, or attempted suicide” and somehow gets derailed to “well, I don’t want to have sex with them, so I don’t care if they can get healthcare.” Our lives are boiled down to how well we fit the sexual standard, and then our entire existence is declared a *fetish*. As a final note; These are observations within my community and fields of knowledge, these issues discussed also effect POC, and obviously cis women, however this discussion often centers cis women and I feel like it’s important to recognize where else this happens. Also, it’s very at night late for me and I’m not the most coherent right now, so please be polite about any errors or things that don’t make sense, apologies.

[@NeyamStar]

I agree with literally everything you said but the 'it' part confused me a bit How can you be a trans man then? Isn't that trans object? My brain is fried 💀 You do whatever bruh 😭

[@emotional.alienn5697]

The derivitization piece really stuck with me. I’ve been slotted into a lot of mother/caretaker roles in my friendships, and even though I am nurturing, I have other qualities as a person. And what I’ve found is that when I don’t live up to someone’s idea of what I am as their mother/caretaker, there’s outrage. I hope I’m getting this definition right but that’s where it connected most with my experiences

[@davespriter]

it must be horrible to be pigeonholed like that. that’s such a high pressure role to fulfill

[@jennarhodes2724]

Marked vs unmarked is a super helpful vocabulary for me, and I appreciate the understanding that it's all contextualized to the culture. In the wider western world, pre-marital sex is generally the norm, it's unmarked, but here in my small religious community I sometimes find myself wondering "why do I feel like a closeted straight person" I am afraid of becoming marked! ♥♥

[@davespriter]

REAL

[@phelllandborn6478]

Or when people come at you talking about how their sexual preferences include you as a trans person without a single consideration for your preferences. It's like, "But I find you attractive despite the fact that you are at the bottom of the proverbial food chain. Why aren't you grateful and just giving me everything I want?"

[@NeyamStar]

Yea....

[@lafimelo]

SO relevant especially with Sinead O'Connor's passing. Would love your thoughts on her open later to Miley during that time period!! Really (always) appreciate your videos.

[@Itsunclegabby]

*gasp* I did not know she wrote Miley an open letter!! ❤️‍🩹🥺

[@janehollander1934]

@@Itsunclegabby in 2013 Sinéad O'Connor published an open letter on her own website to American singer and actress Miley Cyrus in which she warned Cyrus of the treatment of women in the music industry and alleged that sexuality is a factor in this, which was in response to Cyrus's music video for her song "Wrecking Ball". Cyrus responded by mocking O'Connor's mental health problems. (Google) ✌🏻. O'Connor tried to warn Miley Cyrus on her "new" public persona and

[@pseudonamed]

@@janehollander1934 yeah Miley's reaction was disgusting

[@wormonastring56]

Haven't fully watched the video yet, so if this point is brought up later sorry. But I've noticed white people specifically, imo white women moreso, adopt black aesthetics inorder to be immediately read as more alt or more sexual. Which, no it isn't. But how do people culturally appropriate stuff because they know hows its going to be read and then never think racism exists. Anyways.

[@wormonastring56]

This popped up in my mind specifically over the clip of miley cyrus.

[@Laquia]

THiS

[@maijennasis]

🎯🎯🎯

[@callistocharon]

I'm a white-passing half-Asian cis woman who only figured out she was sex-favorable asexual in the past two or three years, and looking back I got told randomly (to me) when I was talking to several different guys who I thought were my friends that I better be careful because I was a tease, and not in a nice way, so I spent years and years avoiding having guys as friends (especially if they had super masc presentation or energy) because I still have no idea where the line is between joking and flirting. I know it's not just an ace thing, but the ace thing definitely didn't help. ❤❤

[@vazandrea8416]

I am just finishing my master's thesis on the myth of the sexual latina in Spain and how it affects migrant Latin American's interactions and construction of identity in the diaspora. This video could not have come at a better time. I have so many comments, so many questions! Thank you thank you thank you!

[@chloetemenu2807]

The word is masculinization 🤓☝🏽. It’s always a pleasure to listen to you Khadija and your guest was phenomenal! ❤️❤️

[@tipodue]

Thank you for making these videos, the work you've done is deeply appreciated. I've tried to do a lot of growing as an adult because I was taught so much garbage as a child (even with the best intentions, without the language and framework to look at systems, you can pat yourself on the back for rejecting one terrible trope but still think reprehensively about a related subject because you don't realize that they are the same issue). Videos like this are a great help.

[@TheYoungKilljoy]

16:13 Oh God, thank you for pointing this awful mindset out. As a woman, it feels like everyone I know assumes that I am into women just because I do not pander to men, and it is so frustrating and stupid to think that someone cannot exist in a place without being considered sexually attractive there (but at the end I always keep my sexuality private because it is no one's business).

[@eye_nead_2_dookey]

Ice Spice really said the quiet part out loud with that one tweet. Gotta respect the honesty tho

[@camilalopez4157]

i’ve never felt more seen. this past year it was rlly hot in the fall so i wore a skirt n crop top to class n my prof said “someone’s ready for summer.” as a latina fem i always felt marked but that just rlly solidified it bc he felt he needed to go out of his way to comment on my clothing as if i was inviting it. ik worse things could’ve been said but he rlly made me uncomfortable the whole year, and i just rlly don’t know what gave him the right

[@univalent15]

Uh is that really so bad?

[@bryna7]

There are so few people criticizing the hyper sexualization that has been amped up by the sex positivity movement. You and many of the commenters have done well articulating important ideas around this subject.

[@pollysshore2539]

@@KaleighCeeI find that many in younger generations do not know what sex positive feminism is, especially if they experienced whatever that was in 2010 that called itself sex positive. It was not even close. I hear more teens - young women parroting Christian Nationalist & carceral separatist (aka radical feminist) falsehoods about sex positive feminism. I grew up during the actual sex positive feminist movement. I often see/hear people in younger generations - that did not grow up during the SPM, were too young to remember it or were not born yet - claiming that, “sex positives told me to do porn and have sex like a man.” This was a typical Christian nationalist summary of the actual sex positive movements and it is completely nonsensical. “Have sex like a man” was something that some feminists said after they gained access to birth control during the sexual revolution (before the sex positive movement started). Completely understandable. I get why some would say that they could now have sex like men. The sex positive feminist movement was a less carceral one. Feminism at large was far more concerned with reducing carceral policies throughout the CRM, sexual revolution, etc. They wanted to remove social & legal punishments put on women who had sex before marriage, on LGBT individuals simply trying to exist, on all races, etc… The goal was to remove laws based on religion/primarily Christian Nationalism, racism, homophobia, etc. Sex positive feminists primarily concerned themselves with combating rights violating and highly carceral legislation & policies that Christian nationalists & carceral separatists were trying to pass from 1979 - 1990s. Both groups stated their goals of rolling back the freedoms won during the sexual revolution for all groups or some. They had different methods to their madness but wanted incredibly similar outcomes. The climate during the SPM was almost identical to today. Carceral separatists & Christian Nationalists were deeming everything they did not like (sex ed, history, everything LGBT, etc) pornography and attempting to ban it. The rights violating anti pornography civil rights ordinances written my Dworkin & MacKinnon in 1983/84 gave pornography a very expansive and wide redefinition and allowed carceral separatists/radfems (SWEFs & TERFs as the kids call them today) as well as fundies to deem everything they disliked “pornography”. The idea that sex positives were telling girls to do porn & have sex like a man during the AIDS/HIV crisis is laughable enough but “porn” = everything radfems & fundies disagreed with. Sex positive feminism included not having sex, if that is what you want. It came down to introspection, getting to know yourself. not doing anything you are uncomfortable with, learning from experiences & avoiding if you feel bad after certain consensual acts and realizing that freedoms won during the revolution come with great responsibilities. It did not include being okay with others sexualizing you, or rape, or other crimes, etc. Wanting to remove carceral/rights violating policies based on religion does not = wanting to entirely decriminalize rape, domestic violence, etc. Feminists at large did prefer money going to services that might help more people instead of every penny going into longer and longer prison sentences/prisons that offer no rehabilitation. Adults within the sex positive movement talked about a wide range of topics, as they should, and many tried to shame them for this and force them to stop… “for the children”. The sex positive movement consisted of women with a wide range of different views. They all came together to fight against bad legislation, policies, and theocratic takeover.

[@pollysshore2539]

@@KaleighCeeMany of the people calling themselves sex positive in 2010 were promoting every rights violating/carceral policy or piece of legislation designed to roll back freedoms that sex positives shut down in the 1980s & 90s. All of them are still supported by Christian Nationalists but many in younger generations are oblivious when it comes to this. They seem to think that pornography/sex work = the only thing discussed in a 2 decade long movement.

[@pollysshore2539]

Last comment…. You know how the right blames everything on the left? They can read any and every news story and convince themselves that it’s all due to one big giant leftwing plot that everyone is in on. Carceral separatists and their long-standing/on going Christian nationalist allies have a lengthy history (almost 50 years) of doing this when it comes to sex positive feminism. They treat everything like a giant sex positive plot that everyone is in on. Every music video or racy lyric in a song was due to sex positive feminism. Every girl that decided to wear a skimpy outfit - sex positive feminism. Every person that went into sex work (something that has been around forever, unlike sex positive feminism) was a result of sex positive feminism. Every young woman that had casual sex - sex positive feminism. On top of that you had fairly absurd carceral lesbian separatist movements that claimed every heterosexual woman that wore makeup, flattering clothes, shaved and styled their hair was sexualizing and harming themselves. They had more regressive & repressive rules for women than the church of God but trying to get the attention of a man was the number one sin for them. It isn’t for most hetero women. It also doesn’t automatically = sexualization. It did result in many young, hetero women feeling pressured to say that they dressed up, wore makeup, shaved, etc… for themselves. Of course there can be and is truth to this. Many women feel good when they dress up. It’s pretty absurd that hetero women felt - many still feel - that they could not say they also did this for men they were interested in. Especially when considering that carceral separatists do a lot of their own hoop jumping to attract other women. Sex negative carceral separatists do not believe that women can consent to a wide variety of things and they also do not believe that women - specifically hetero women - have agency. This is how you end up with several definitions of sexualization including things/consensual acts that many feminists do not agree with. They are excessively broad. Several factions of feminists have never been able to agree on the definitions for multiple terms. The idea that there is a giant consensus is a lie. Lesbian separatists/hetero sex negative feminist tend to have wildly different definitions for sexism, subordination, sexualization, etc… Hetero feminists have different definitions than many others. The problems arise when one group starts trying to legislate and force their viewpoints on others. This is something that carceral separatists have been doing, with the help of Christian nationalists on the right, for 50 years. They have moved feminism further to the right than many realize. It’s strange but true. You can look at their “gender critical” alliances with Christian nationalists today and hopefully realize that not much has changed on that front. * A lot of what Julia is discussing in her interview is a standard carceral separatist outlook. Men are active participants in sex but sex happens to women. Women are passive, are not sexual beings and do not actively engage. If they claim they do they know not what they speak of! They are brainwashed and mind controlled (pseudoscientific concepts) by the all seeing/all knowing/all controlling patriarchy. Note radfems version of the patriarchy tends to be different and more conspiratorial than the reality. It’s a rather atrocious mindset and is the same one that drove racist social purity movements of old. Movements that defined all sex workers as “savages” with sloped foreheads, abnormal genitals and low IQ’s. White women were allegedly superior and every white woman engaging in sex work was a “sex slave” abducted and forced by men with deeper complexions. 🙄🤬 This was the entire basis of the white slavery panic. One that is repeating today. Carceral separatists & Christian nationalists are making the exact same arguments today except they have replace nature (born low IQ savages with sloped foreheads and abnormal genitals) with nurture arguments (all sex workers are abused in childhood and that is the only reason why some think they enjoy sex.) These messed up views extend to every random/average Jane woman in the land of carceral separatism. It’s why Catherine MacKinnon claimed that most women couldn’t really consent to sex. Men are muggers and women simply hand them their wallets because they have no other choice.

[@ldive]

@@KaleighCee I am a prude and I'm a proud prude! My energy is at peace for real

[@SlytherinShark888]

I have never related to an experience as much I do with the concept of being a marked person. Black + Neurodivergent + Non-binary AMAB living in the Pacific Northwestern U.S. I’m either receiving unwanted attention and interest from boundary (less) people or exclusion and literal disgust from others. I’m the same in both situations. It’s so weird knowing intimately what people expect from you and your body, and knowing you won’t meet their expectations. They act like you’re committing a crime. Choosing not to conform or make someone comfortable is not a crime. Thank you Khadijah.

[@sigrid9699]

OH DAMN you have NO idea how glad I am for this, so much of what Serano talked about in your clips spoke directly to a lot of things I know but haven't been able to talk about enough with people, either because they're not ready/able to have those conversations or because I lacked the language I've worked for years on observing the various sexual behaviors of niche communities, specifically to appeal to their sexualities with my own art, and the things I've picked up over the years about how people work are just so much more nuanced than what any kind of mainstream understanding talks about and it's left me in this unpleasant place, feeling like I'm bursting at the seams with things that I can't talk about hearing some of this certainly took a little bit of that pressure outta me will have to look up Serano's writings on that website thankyou

[@middledog466]

thank you so much for sharing

[@PokhrajRoy.]

‘Hannah Montana’ was the biggest Queer Allegory on a Disney TV Show and introduced Drag to Gen Z. I can’t believe it took me so long to realise that.

[@beckysuperswag]

damn! secret identity

[@johnindigo5477]

I was thinking lately how being gay/queer/lgbq, can feel like being a superhero but the worst parts of it. You can't tell anyone you're power, there's always people waiting to get you, and people around you wouldn't understand.

[@Georgi_al7]

Loved that you had a guest to deep dive with you on this topic and now I'm just trying to process everything I've listend and wow 💕

[@vorehart]

i remember it started with the movie "Cuties" in 2020, when people began vocalizing the sexualization of the young kids, it was horrible, and those kids were being exploited by the adults around them for sure. And back then i remember thinking that how is it any different from adult celebrities doing those same things, but this time voluntarily?

[@ruthspanos2532]

It didn’t start with Cuties, although that movie certainly made a lot of people mad who maybe hadn’t thought about it before. Apparently the movie was marketed in a way that misrepresented its intentions. Khadija has a whole video about that movie, which explains it much better than I could In a comment.

[@staciii]

Definitely didn't start with that movie. We're giving it too much credit 😂

[@vorehart]

@@staciii nah don't misunderstand. I said it started with that movie *for me* to understand all this because it was a huge topic of discussion as i was growing up that's all :)

[@janellesochet7128]

The “don’t leave” took me out .. but the phrase - you can always change your mind -really connects with me, there’s always space to grow and we’re all learning through the motions whether it be twerking on national television or taking time to make a cup of tea and breathe in the days air - thank you for creating this space :)

[@anaisnintuition]

You're always so funny while also being informative, I learn so much that way and I'm so grateful for your channel

[@personneici2595]

❤❤ This explains why my family disowned me when I disclosed my CSA. I became "marked" in their eyes. I became the four letter R word. Oof. Hits hard but I guess it helps to understand.

[@georgia34279]

you can tell during the interview that khadija is such an attentive listener

[@tresvegan3633]

💕💕💕 Yasss I loved every minute of this critical conversation. I especially resonated with the feeling dirty just for having a simple fantasy or an evasive thought. Or even feeling guilty if your fantasies don’t include your significant other, even though your attraction to them can still be there. I feel like there can be so many layers to this and it is sad that we are all so societally boxed in like this. It’s actually quite suffocating and disheartening 💔🙏🏽. Thank you both for these conversations and for your life changing work you are doing. Just know it is deeply appreciated and valued.

[@Beanbtch]

Omg i totally get the alien feeling thing. Ppl make it seem like black people have not existed for a long ass time. It feels good to get compliments on skin tone and the thick curly hair but its past enduring at this point. If anything, id like to not be noticed and asked about my blackness. Its made me more antisocial than i already am🥲🥲

[@bunny-ni4sr]

Wow I really needed this video today... like the timing is impeccable. I've really been struggling a lot lately in dealing with my own issues of self-objectification and hypersexualization. I'm definitely going to check out Julia's book. Thank you so much

[@rebeccavon9321]

absolutely love that the algorithm brought me to you, your videos are so interesting and i’ve been binge watching ever since i found you

[@holly9154]

good luck on the road to 1 million!! i recommend your channel every chance I get 💛

[@heatherlee2967]

I rememeber when For Harriet made a video about sexual liberation being confused with sexualization in a video that's now deleted on her channel (shorts of it still exist though). I'm so excited to see what points Khadija have about the topic

[@EnbyReads]

I've had Serano's book on my shelves for so long now, this really motivated me to pick it up! Thank you for making this content

[@keyvvy]

💜💜 it's so amazing that you always dive deep into the subject and look at different sides of the problem

[@chocobeard]

"Projections of ulterior motives of why someone is the way that they are with maybe 1 or 2 pieces of anecdotal evidence - which is not evidence..." I love this so much! So much of how we judge others are based on our own experiences/biases - which does not equal universal truth, and it definitely does not represent someone else's life experiences.

[@seraphinnie]

"Ruhig, mein Kind, ruhig" - as a German I was so surprised to suddenly be addressed in my native language 😂😂😂

[@aurori11]

loved hearing from Julia! thank you as always for the depth of research and conversation 💕💕

[@cannibalisticrequiem]

So proud of you for co-creating this music program for underprivileged kids - it's so awesome! I'm going to be working the day of the concert/livestream, but I still wanted to contribute so I decided to donate the amount of a ticket to help fund the program! 💗

[@sana-ly6by]

i just started the video but i’ve missed so many recently i’m just happy i’m here to listen to the hot takes and researched opinions i love to get out of youtube content creators like khadija ! 💕

[@leonneugebauer7173]

Me as a German listening to the video. Khadijah speaking German: 😳

[@jamillacamilo4669]

Thank you for these videos. Im 27 and a mom already and i think more messages like this couldve been so greatly needed growing up, instead of having this weird awareness of these nuanced issues and no words to describe that experience effectively.

[@erinniccoinn1gh]

the lip gloss and hair, you look stunning ✨

[@Jen-sp9yu]

I remember being in elementary school when my best friend told me she heard her mom say that I had a nice body but an ugly face. I was IN ELEMENTARY and an adult was commenting on my body... disgusting.

[@Leeanneartz]

Omg so disappointing

[@TedTrembinski]

Thanks for another amazing video. The concept of derivatization and "marked vs unmarked" language are two things I want to think more about. You know I'm already scooping up Julia's books!!

[@kaseymo16]

It was so amazing to see a collaboration between you and Julia,, thank you for sharing y’all’s conversation 🩷🩷

[@jeanalindo5118]

I love that the comments have guidelines now! It’s been too long since I’ve tuned in for an essay by you. Just dropping in to say I love how thoughtful your discussions are and the fact that you do your research always

[@luvjene7652]

Wow this video is soooo interesting, I’m watching as a straight black woman's perspective who is seen as the beauty standard for my race… I feel marked. The word resonated with me a lot. The whole notion of being casted for a role you never auditioned for, I felt that in my soul. Although many are attracted to me (girls and guys) I’m not necessarily attracted to them and am very religious so waiting for marriage, but because I’m seen as desirable, people tend to project their desires on me and it’s frustrating and overwhelming

[@funmijatto8247]

❤❤ I’ve been watching you for a while and as a black trans masc person . I find your videos so informative and aspirational as well. I sometimes don’t my role or place in society but through your videos and becoming more knowledgeable that America was not built for me . This topic gave me a big self reflection on how I view black women and work I still need to do . Thank you

[@zombiesun44]

I love your video essays so much. You always pick such interesting and relevant topics that I think add so much nuance to popular discussion. I’ve been looking forward to watching this one since you posted and it did not disappoint.

[@paige_exe]

this might be your best video yet!!! that you for always making an inclusive discussion that is so in depth and thought provoking!!!

[@rokhayas]

thank you khadija. i am in my 30s and as someone who looked like a kid in my early adult years it was very weird when i was mid-20s and suddenly i was being sexualized a LOT. to this day i can't wrap my head around how men behave

[@mittag983]

For me it was the opposite I stopped getting sexualized once I was not looking like a child anymore

[@hellothere8347]

I’m 22 and I’m literally going through this now…. I don’t like this at all and I’m very petite and young looking especially without the weave and makeup and that’s when they try me the most

[@mb.774]

@@mittag983 that was my experience as well. The peak of me being sexualized on the street was 14-16, and it was always fully grown men. When I was 15, a man in a gas station started hitting on me. I told him my age and he said he'd need to see my birth certificate. Like dude I just wanted a mountain dew.

[@amandagallop5545]

so excited for this! hope you hit 1 mil soon, you deserve it💕

[@JessInIreland]

❤❤ I cannot overemphasize how much I enjoy your video essays!

[@maevereynolds6344]

i learn so much from you & the people you interview/platform 📚 🧠 thank you for doing such quality work Khadija