Cerebral Narcissist in Shared Fantasy: Narcissistic Abuse and Mortification

[@vickyalberts6716]

I wish therapists/counsellors knew some of this stuff. Especially with couples counselling. I’m fed up of being told it can all be solved by communicating better with each other.

[@cassielavoie2122]

Your humor is funny to me lol. Thanks for sharing deep knowledges of psychology disorders, wow!

[@amandamarieyoga]

Thank you Sir. Looking forward to the video explaining modulation of the Narcissist's mixed signals.

[@Grace2Grow]

So glad to have found your content. My FOO dad is a cerebral covert narc (best I can assess) and I've heard "defeated"/"collapsed" which also ring bells. He was a tenured university professor all my growing up years, he raised all his kids as he was raised (also narc abuse/generational/add trauma of WW2 as his mom was a Berlin born & raised Jew who "escaped" by marrying my US GI gpa .. long story). He converted to Christianity but soared in "supply" in baptist denomination and when he LOST supply at University he had a mental breakdown, (I was young 20's at the time) so he reframed his resignation as a "calling" to the ministry which has been a series of additional collapses since, now he's "retiring" from pastorate (his 3rd) over present church of about 15 ppl, but seems to be refusing to actually leave. My mom has stayed faithful to him despite her justified fears of $$ insecurities (they'll only survive cuz of his parents leaving an inheritance for their "golden child" son) but at a cost to HER mental health. I was VERY "arrested" in my emotional development (I'm 1st born) where my 2 siblings have stayed "faithful" to "family" (to dad's face) so I'm the "black sheep" or "scapegoat" .. was this LONG b4 I married my now husband (cPTSD survivor of prolonged and extreme childhood abuse himself DID) .. Both my husband and I 1st time married LATE in life .. I was a virgin .. he was my 1st kiss at age 37 .. and neither of us educated re narc abuse till an unrelated entrepreneurial business partnership w/a malignant parasitic psychopathic narc ( forgive me if my terms are too mainstream) landed my by-now husband in jail under false accusations .. & we educated ourselves in a relative hurry. We're STILL (doesn't FEEL) new to understanding DID and NPD , and while we identified "narcissistic style" EARLY after that business venture, I still refused to see my dad as NPD (truly) cuz I couldn't attribute to him "intent" .. until the aftermath. Cuz my husband and I were married in 2016 and my relationship with my FOO collapsed soon after .. by their reckoning, though my relationship w/them was truly "broken" decades before, but *I* hadn't broken free (in shorthand we spent years unraveling their "flying monkeys") role to "save" my dad) .. We were so focused on my husband's (heretofore DH's) "insiders" (2013-present) we hadn't really focused on MY codependency & arrested development except as pertained to US as a couple. Sorry, getting long-winded, and I know u may never see this comment .. Perhaps it won't surprise u I see my dad AND my DH in u to a degree .. so ur assessment of NPD as a KIND of DID is .. SPOT ON! Professor. I'm typing by ph & unable to edit myself as I'd prefer (felt need) .. In short after YEARS of conflict between me and my FOO, triangulated against my siblings, my by-now (2017) DH wrote a 21+ pg typed letter to our family trying to fix our as yet then undeveloped understanding of ways my dad had "offended" at our wedding despite his prior acquiescence to my DH to NOT "take over" .. and my FOO disowned me. Blaming my DH, though he was actually my "rescuer" (as I was his) ... NOW I see my dad's meltdown which caused him to resign (loss of supply) from professorship, to a "calling" which would take years to materialize (as a "pastor"), is EXACTLY the same "injury" as my (years later) DH's letter outing my dad's narc behavior to my FOO. So we remain shunned though we live NEXT DOOR to my sister - we're forbidden to see my (now 7) neices and nephews, all bcuz we committed the unforgivable sin of "disrespecting the parents" .. promulgated by none other than my sister's husband .. who is the spitting narc image of our dad and ALSO HIMSELF a "baptist pastor" .. nevermind HIS "smear campaign" to all of our neighbors about how horrid my DH is .. Mind u, my DH has made (by now) friends with a few of those neighbors who can readily see my bro-in-law's hypocrisy .. and still my siblings shun us, refuse to let us have relationship with our neices and nephews, but our NEIGHBORS will not only hear my DH's advice, but entrust us to watch over THEIR young children .. I apologize again here, cuz I'm sure this "comment" would be a better email, AND better written if I could edit and clarify timeline .. The upshot is .. knowing what we know now about BOTH my sweetheart's DID & "npd" proper (not just the desperate headline hunting/mainstream df's), we would have just gone "no contact" instead of calling out/trying to fix my FOO .. our desperate FAITH that they'd see the error of our generational situation brought FAR worse consequences .. but at the same time it's created greater health and wholeness for my DH & me as WE move on .. Sometimes the learning HAS to be lived out over TIME .. no amount of trying to avoid the pain of it can bring real healing. I do not mean to disrespect your time OR this comment forum .. I will try to reread this after to see if editing on a 2-inch screen does any justice (I doubt it) to our story. But for ME? I see your "NPD" diagnosis, your "cerebral" sensitivities, and your counter-cultural "repentance" such as it is, and I watched your tears (however brief) over those your have attempted to offer therapy to but who are still like drowning children caught under ice which you cannot break through .. WE are one couple who has IMMENSELY benefitted from your time, your tutilege (sp?), and your wealth of sharing such as here (and I found you because of R.Grannon!!) to be .. salvific in many (humanistically speaking) ways. I may be "lost" to my FOO, and my dad (nearing 70) NEVER able to "fix the family" .. but my dear husband and I are SO much healthier and aware and continue our striving directly because of your work .. driving us through the impasse of a bazillion (relatively futile) "Google searches"! (HA!!) .. We are indebted to you, Professor Doctor Sam (whichever you please to be called). MYRIAD THANKS! ~G2G

[@karinsnyman1654]

You have helped me so much! To have empathy with narcissists. I chose pathological depression for emotional childhood. abuse. Different strokes for different folks. Thank you so much!

[@aprilbrewer5921]

I'm dating a guy and I'm scared that I may have narcissist traits also. All I know is he's a mirror to my shortcomings, but these shortcomings are things I felt I had outgrown. We both trauma bonded. I'm ready to end this. Hardest relationship ever.

[@karunaverma3641]

Hello Sir. I like all your videos and it's super helpful. Your explanations are so clear and thanking you for all the help that you have been sharing through your videos. I am really looking forward for the upcoming video that you mentioned about sending mixed signals and finding a middle ground etc. Thank you.

[@jaanee13]

Does anybody know where to find the video about contrary mixed signals he talkes about at 42:40min?

[@prachibhattarai3833]

We should not perceive the abuser as a child anyway, the word child is too endearing, so we tend to forgive them which is to perpetuate the trauma

[@thumbelina9587]

What's the name of the nomadic tribe again? I tried to look it up.

[@empathicwarriorlissy3716]

That is a big glass of wine LOL

[@samvaknin]

You should see the bottle.

[@MIRNA_LIZ]

@@samvaknin You're the best !!!! hahahaha

[@empathicwarriorlissy3716]

@@samvaknin LOL

[@usedusermoser]

You should see the 🍷 cellar

[@samanthasmith3435]

@@samvaknin Why--growing baby in it? Would you spell the name of the European vagabonds? Thanks. I really like this video.

[@Sunny-q5b7x]

This is all coming down in the world soon! 🌎

[@baphomet7355]

The final phase is very embarassing, it's impossible to find someone who knows how to behave within this pact, they pretend they can, but they are driven by feelings and passion and they screw everything. It's a pity. Very disappointing.

[@rm809]

Maybe Minnie can only serve as secondary supply. She's reliable but so one dimensional.

[@danadanadana]

Thanks for your videos, Sam! I would be interested to know your views on Munchausen by Proxy, now known as Factitious disorder imposed on another (FDIA). For instance, is it related to narcissism?

[@samvaknin]

And I would like to know why you don’t search this channel before you waste my time.

[@geangray8984]

Mr vaknin i like you so much you are so humerus. I am Jamaican

[@thumbelina9587]

I heard he is also very tibial

[@miamakilaartist]

Thank you for your videos, they have saved my sanity, I have opened my eyes about malignant narcissism after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse in different forms and shapes (family, boyfriends and friendships) and been "cleaning my house" by going no contact with my family and standing up for myself to friends and lost 90% of them. I feel lonely but strong and your videos give me the answers to all questions I would love to ask my family but they wouldn't answer anyway, so I feel I am getting real closure. I wish you would talk more about narcissistic family dynamics (with triangulation amongst siblings), in my family my dad is a narcissist, my mom is codependent and my brother (3,5 years younger) turned into a sadistic narcissist at a very young age and l turned into a codependent/scapegoat and was abused by them simply because I could see the truth and real dynamic in the family. It feels like I am waking up from a cult. Should I help my mom to wake up too? She's super hostile and is defending my dad and bother and calls me sick and manic when I try to talk to her about how she's enabling their behavior... or is she a "lost cause"?

[@miamakilaartist]

@@LD-ju7ge thank you Linda! I appreciate your kind words. I have decided to start a podcast about narcissistic abuse, perhaps she will listen and have some clarity, or maybe she won't.... it will be my last try.

[@jerryfowler6628]

I would like to hear about the wife finding the middle ground by sending her own contrary mixed signals by modulating the narcissist's mixed signals. Did you devote a video to this as you had intended? This may help me to understand better how I survived 32 very difficult years of marriage with a covert cerebral narcissist. Thank you.

[@colleenc4621]

I have a question- is cognitive dissonance in any way connected to PTSD? I used to read & watch a scientist by the name of Robert Sapolski and something he said made me think this. I'm sorry I can't cite his exact lecture/publication that made me think this but it had to do with soldiers in wartime and the effect of conflicting messages on the hippocampus. I may be mistaken in my interpretation though so I would love to hear your thoughts

[@samvaknin]

Cognitive dissonance is reactive to PTSD, not causative. But, yes, PTSD creates many types of dissonances, not only cognitive. Search this channel for videos about dissonances.

[@colleenc4621]

@@samvaknin thank you! I don't take for granted the valuable resource you represent & am already hooked as a student. I'll get right on my assignment!

[@mariadee2208]

Evening Sam. Nice to think of Minnie having a coffee break 🤔 May I enquire after a possible biography release?

[@samvaknin]

I am not dead yet. Got more videos left in me! in the meantime: samvak.tripod.com/vakninmysteryman.html

[@mariadee2208]

@@samvaknin ohhhh, lovely jubbly! Don't you dare pop your clogs🤗

[@MIRNA_LIZ]

@@samvaknin hahaha

[@serenitee8849]

Are we (the people) secondary supply for narcissistic KZbin coaches?🧐🤔

[@samvaknin]

Primary supply: samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html

[@juliearntsen6288]

Can you talk about narcissistic fathers and their daughters?

[@samvaknin]

Same dynamic like narcissistic mothers and their sons. Start by reading Freud.

[@juliearntsen6288]

Sam Vaknin thank you! I will do my reseach👍

[@fannyberchtold8814]

Dear Sam Vaknin, please post a video about the one percent of women who survive this struggle.Do you think a self reflected and very intelligent - but also masochistic flavoured - Borderline woman with warm and cold empathy can do? Grateful for all of your precious insights. Fanny

[@grandkids1513]

Hi Sam, does a narcissist have a sense of humour?

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel. I definitely don’t find wasting my time humorous.

[@grandkids1513]

Sam Vaknin I’m sorry it was actually a genuine question

[@grandkids1513]

MeJustBeingMe Thank you, that is helpful

[@grandkids1513]

Michael Taylor Thank you for your reply, he used to make me laugh a lot when he felt like it which I find confusing because of all the other narcissistic traits

[@grandkids1513]

FREQU NC thank you for your reply, it was very useful, food for thought

[@samanthasmith3435]

37:09 "Thespian? Look it up online." Can someone help me spell Kopochi-whatisit--the nomads here 27:12--so i can look it up online?

[@samvaknin]

Comprachicos

[@nunnay6074]

You was talking about thoose narcissist who write poetry and that they dont do it because they feel the words they are talking about. What about a narcissist who love to read poems and romantic stories, what make him do it when he dont feel ?

[@samvaknin]

Don’t confuse sentimentality with emotions.

[@dorianmorgenstern1267]

I would be so grateful if you could go deeper in relation with the case when one survived the hell and the test of becoming somehow the mother, and both regulating responses against the odds. It was the acknowledgment you exposed in one of your last videos about the shadow or dark side that helped me to endure the hell, of course not so well articulated like in your descriptions.

[@PlayMaster121]

Professor Vaknin, can we identify what type of narcissist by the professional? For example the cerebral narcissist mostly has higher education, doctors, lawyers or high positions in the society?

[@samvaknin]

Can you search this channel before you waste my time?

[@PlayMaster121]

Sam Vaknin Good Pro.Vaknin Thank you

[@lilbraezyxxcupid]

nobody has anything to say about the bottle babies? LOL what tribe of nomads did he say did that? I can't find anything about it

[@thumbelina9587]

Comprachicos

[@lilbraezyxxcupid]

@@thumbelina9587 tysm

[@youtub7495]

He also does not give you provision

[@yosoygabi1]

How is the relationship with a person with multi personality disorder

[@samvaknin]

Multiple, not multi. This term is no longer used. The disorder is called now Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).

[@yosoygabi1]

Yes, I wonder if the person is aware of the actions when they are malevolent and make calls from their phone and pretend other people called and fake his voice and made a threat. I'm sorry English is not my first language.

[@MsBlackb1]

Baby bottles ????

[@thumbelina9587]

Comprachicos

[@TecOneself]

Mortificare