Changing the Dance of Ambivalence

[@Paras98895]

These videos are SO helpful. I'm the BS and D-Day was Thanksgiving (although he'd been emotionally distant since end of Sep, physical affair was mid Oct to mid Nov). He's cut off all communication since (supposedly but they do work together). And he's in individual therapy but he's been so ambivalent on whether he wants to be married and work on our marriage. I've begged, pleaded, cried (I'm 8 months pregnant with our first and didn't want to be a single mom). But nothing has changed. I finally decided to step off the roller coaster and filed for divorce yesterday. Being the BS and NOT being pursued after an affair is very hurtful. But I finally had to stand for me and my son. Thanks for the video!

[@Ibiszeszter]

How is your story end? Did you divorced or could you make it?

[@BettieBoo]

Great video! Talks about the cycle but also doesn’t lose touch of accountability!

[@liveonlocation3708]

You guys need more videos on this topic. This is my situation and I’m tired of it. I’m the betrayed and I’m doing the chasing with my wife. We’re in therapy, she says she trusts the process, but I still chase and try and create connection and she says she’s not ready for connection. This video is great and I’m going to make the shift, I want to hear more about this. Thanks.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you. this is another video you may enjoy about the same subject: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/what-do-you-do-when-your-spouse-ambivalent and yet another: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/when-betrayed-spouses-are-perceived-needy-or-codependent

[@dieselboytorres]

I am the betrayed. I find myself chasing my wife. I Try to pray for her and spend time and so forth. How do i change the dance. At first when I found out I was ignoring her and it seemed like she wanted to work with me. Then I started talking to her then she stepped back. How do I change the dynamic? The dance? It's been 5 weeks since d day. This is very tricky

[@samshealingpodcast]

these videos will help: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/what-do-you-do-when-your-spouse-ambivalent www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/when-betrayed-spouses-are-perceived-needy-or-codependent then, you should consider using these two articles for your ability to get her to get help with you: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change

[@dannyp8503]

Whats happening now?

[@et4878]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Samuel!

[@crystalabitz154]

Omg this exactly what's going on right now thank you

[@samshealingpodcast]

you're very welcome. you'd be shocked how many go through this my friend. more go through it than you can imagine. it's pretty crazy the dynamic that develops. so glad you're here. thanks for posting.

[@jacksont8822]

I'm dealing with this and I tried this once and it worked great, but it's back again. She is back to being unsure if she wants this marriage. We will start the boot camp this weekend and I hope she gives it an honest chance. Something tells me she is still in contact with the AP, but I have no way to verify this. It's just a gut feeling, but she was ambivalent during the first D day and the second D day. She says it's over and she is not contacting him anymore, but this sudden change back to being ambivalent, is making me question if she is telling the truth. I do like this approach and working on myself is what I really need anyway, since I really don't know if I do want to be married to someone without honesty. I've owed my mistakes as a husband and father. My changes are on going and I'm trying to be a happier person. It just so depressing to think that she has built up resentment in her hardened heart to make her own changes. I told her, how do you think anyone will be perfect in marriage, when everyone's relationship is different and no manual exists? It turns out reading a few books from Gary Chapman and John Gottmann, probably could have prevented our situation, but my eyes were not open until it was somewhat too late. I still have Hope and a relentless spirit. If it works we will be trying EMS online soon too. Thank you I've had a lot of time to reflect on our relationship and I really think technology has played a huge role in our down fall. Communication with everyone else became very easy and our communication died. I think many people develop a FMO (fear of missing out) and maybe it would be a good topic for a blog.

[@samshealingpodcast]

take the course asap my friend. you're right, she may be in contact again, or she may be struggling with her own choices. maintain you're approach, care for her, and get expert help asap.

[@alyssapenman6392]

So what do you do when he isn’t afraid to lose you? Is it time to walk away and divorce?

[@samshealingpodcast]

possibly. is he open to getting help at all? like expert, concentrated help?

[@travisfoote1905]

I am in the opposite situation. I am the unfaithful and my spouse is unwilling to get help or even communicate with me. We are currently separated. I continue to share with her through video blogs I make about whats going on with me and my recovery. She doesnt reach out. I have asked her to talk with me but there remains only silence from her. The stonewalling she is doing is complete torture. Its been 7 weeks of this. I know she is hurt and that I am the cause, but this is incredibly painful for me to endure. I dont know if being divorced would be more painful or not? I try to think about your advice in this video in my situation with the roles being reversed. I just dont know if thats a proper though pattern given that I am the unfaithful. Do you have a video or article about my current situation? I am doing my own recovery work to heal myself, to learn why I did what I did and to connect closely with God. I have hope for our future but this current stage of "Stuck" is tearing me up. I dont know how to handle this stage of our recovery. Thank you

[@samshealingpodcast]

when you say you're own recovery work travis, what does that mean and involve? what work are you doing?

[@travisfoote1905]

@@samshealingpodcast I am doing Hope for healing. I am in a Celebrate recovery group doing a step study. I have a counseling session each week and we are currently working through facing the shadow. I have an accountability group of men and we are working through The Faithful and True. I read, study the bible and spend time listening to God and his Truths and direction. Prayer. Fasting. Church. Worship. Journalling my journey both in written and video medias. And I really enjoy all the videos you have on here.

[@samshealingpodcast]

@@travisfoote1905 all great to hear travis. at some level, it's a journey and listening to the Lord on how long you continue down this road. i've seen several situations like this where eventually the betrayed decides to get help. 7 weeks is no time at all and to be expected in many ways. i've seen people do this for a couple years. not that that is going to happen, but it could and you'll have to ask yourself how long you're willing to walk this out if she doesn't change at all? i would be prepared for 6months to a year of this easily. it won't always be grueling but it will be difficult at times for sure. so continue to do your work and continue to be dedicated to your journey and commitment to get healthy.

[@NICKPL1000]

I want to change the dance you are talking about, but we are business partner and living in the same household so it’s extremely hard to distance her. How do I get her to stop trying to reach out to her emotional affair partner and put more effort into recovery work. So the more I disconnected with her the more she looking for him. So the whole cycle of pain start over again.

[@danjovanovic4837]

I've been working on myself and giving her space for about 3 weeks. I feel like were making some progress, but shes still ambelivant....When should I put down my foot, have the discussion about boundries/criteria?

[@samshealingpodcast]

i think it's probably time to have that discussion but more along the lines of 'let's go get help and decide what we're going to do after we get the help we need.' she can be ambivalent, but still get help and start to work through the ambivalence. ambivalence is fine....staying in it and using it as an excuse to not do any work to one day soon decide, isn't acceptable.

[@ianshakeshaft4150]

2 months since d day. Unfaithful wife seems ambivalent, hasn't attempted to seek help, making on effort with me. I'm wondering at what point I "give in" and become ambivalent myself.

[@xxc0pE89xx]

What's a a stay at home Father with no friends family or personal life do our whole world was together and even after this I've come to find out her friends are hers and I'm alone!!! She was the unfaithful one I was years ago and she used it years later as her reason....

[@Zombiemurderer]

How long will the BS be ambivalent? We live separately, she wants to not see each other for a long time she wants to work on herself, she said we're still together she'll give me a chance. She said we can still talk. Then after two weeks she won't answer my text. Should i give her space or does this pretty much mean it's time to move on?

[@samshealingpodcast]

every situation is different. i wouldn't give up that easy and simply move on after two weeks of no contact. i would probably give her space, but maybe use other mediums like letters or something to communicate so she doesn't feel pressured to answer right on the spot.