Finishing 20+ years at a Job and then Realising You Were Bad at It? // Relatable? // Over 40

[@lw4423]

if your kids reached adulthood in one piece it was fine

[@davidsalvador8989]

1. She never elaborates on what she believes she did wrong. 2. She admits she has always been a perfectionist. My first thought is that she also did absolutely fine and is just having issues realizing and giving herself credit? What do I know though, maybe she constantly cheated on her husband and beat her kids?

[@ChaoticallyMe]

Thanks David :) Can confirm I did not beat my kids, nor did I cheat on my husband :) but you are right that you don't have all of the context or information to make an informed judgement either way :) Thanks for chiming in :)

[@ChaoticallyMe]

Thank you...you could be right...but it doesn't feel that way right now :)

[@elmar001]

Strange the things that pop up on my KZbin feed - best of luck to you whoever you are :)

[@ChaoticallyMe]

:) best of luck to you too :)

[@clangerbasher]

For reasons I ended up working in IT when I wasn't suited to it at all. But getting out of it at the time was difficult. Applying for basic office jobs was impossible as companies couldn't understand why somebody would want to do such a thing. After I was made redundant I managed through agencies to get basic office jobs. But I found these were often too simple for me as somebody who had managed projects and had at times a considerable budget. I found out I don't really fit into the world of work too well.

[@ChaoticallyMe]

Thanks for sharing your experiences shifting from IT to a basic office job. It sounds like an office job wasn't the right fit for you either. Do you still think it was the right decision for you at the time? Would you have done anything different if you had the time over? I can completely relate to "I found out I don't really fit into the world of work too well"...to be honest, I don't feel like I fit into the world at large too well...let alone the world of work ;)

[@clangerbasher]

@@ChaoticallyMe I have lots of thoughts about what I should have done differently. Too complicated to go into. I think my main trouble is that the world of IT was different to playing with computers. I just didn't have a grasp of work to be honest. I grew up around small businesses too that are lot different from big companies. I should have studied history at college not IT. And I should have just found a job after college and learned to cope at that level.

[@clangerbasher]

BTW I am English so college means the senior two years of US high school.

[@ChaoticallyMe]

That makes a lot of sense. I know the adage, 'do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life' works out well for some people....but, I think for a lot of people, turning a hobby or passion into a job actually just robs them of an enjoyable pass-time and steals all the joy from it...

[@clangerbasher]

@@ChaoticallyMe I am too detached to work in IT. I will always have some problem in the world of work.

[@paulchristopherriley7503]

Congratulations Jen! Go for it!

[@LTPottenger]

Probably true of most people and most never realize. Also the structure of jobs/culture/education/etc. greatly constrains many people. But most people blame their parents for everything but people have overcome the worst childhoods and become successful and happy.

[@ChaoticallyMe]

Thank you for sharing your perspectives on this. Yes, blaming parents seems to be a common 'out' for a lot of people. To clarify, my kids, as far as I know, don't blame me...but I really think they should! I can see the struggles ahead of them and the struggles they currently have to deal with and can see how I could have better prepared them, or at least not added to the harshness of real life... Life is hard hey!

[@cannaroe1213]

Brave video to put out, since it's clearly something you still have regrets about, and the internet can be a mean/uncaring place. But it was interesting to me as someone who hasn't had kids (yet) that regrets about how you did it is even possible - I think most parents just blame the kids... Only thing i'll say is, all the best teachers were bad at their job when they started - that's what makes them good teachers! What can a natural born talent teach me about anything, we don't share the same problems had to overcome the same challenges. Anyway good luck with law and life's not over so theres still plenty of time to find inner satisfaction, at work, at home, in the gym, wherever.

[@ChaoticallyMe]

Very wise words about the best teachers being bad at their jobs at first...I hadn't considered things from that perspective...thank you :) 💜

[@joshuamaher614]

I think that you have to look at “mistakes” as points of uninvested wisdom pockets ready to be harvested at some point in the future. It doest really matter the depth of your mistake, although there are some things you possibly can’t come back from. Judging by your vibe I’m guessing it’s more of a guilt trip thing on your behalf, more than anything else. I see it a lot in women. They tend to guilt themselves into oblivion even though they were trying their best at the time. Guys tend to internalise it and it festers into secret shame. You did the best you could at the time. You will always be a Mum! Lean into that and enjoy your new found freedom knowing you’re aloud to incorporate all this new stuff into you’re parenting to. Thank you for sharing btw. I enjoyed your video

[@ChaoticallyMe]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment. It's given me some stuff to think about :)

[@AlexDiesTrying]

Parenting isn't a career or a job and is still as valuable as one. Whether you actually have been a bad mom... no idea since you just state that you were but don't give any reasons. I doubt that you did everything wrong and it's likely that there are much worse parents. Also, as long as your kids are alive, your role in their life hasn't ended. If my Mom had known her mistakes and had helped me repair the damage to my thinking- and feeling-habits, wow, what a gift that would have been. She did an amazing job in one half and a terrible job in the other half. Doesn't make her a bad parent, just a clueless one.

[@ChaoticallyMe]

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences Alex :) You are right...there are still opportunities to have a positive impact on my kids' lives :) thanks for the reminder!

[@maplelake6963]

. i can related totally. it's all just a very complex guilt trip. most people are not the best person for ANY job. now you are investing so much into law (of all things) and "if you are honest with yourself" (your words) after 15 years you will realize that law is a scam and even if you were good at it, where is the merit in supporting a system that is not at all about justice etc etc, i think life is a journey and most of it will be a series of inconvenient turns. so start by appreciating yourself in every way possible while you are doing whatever you are currently doing (being a grandmother?)

[@ChaoticallyMe]

Thank you for your insightful comment :) I guess the question I'm currently asking myself is...can I do some good?...and if I continue down this path, do I have a chance of getting to the end of my life and the good outweighing the bad? Life, hey? It's rough!

[@paulchristopherriley7503]

Jen, In talking to other people in your realization - people who are like me - you will see that there are a lot of us out there who have come to your realization. My only salvation in this is that the family and children in my and your orbits are resilient and with all the love and attention we have given them the seem to have turned out ok anyway. So. I'll see you at the celebration.

[@ChaoticallyMe]

I really appreciate your optimism Paul :) Hopefully a little of it rubs off on me.

[@paulchristopherriley7503]

@@ChaoticallyMe Congrats again Jen! Enjoy your success! Those who you might have to dissapoint will be just fine. I am excited for you!

[@cookiekitty8122]

Raising family is not really a career. Family is so many things and ways of just living. How you live is way more important than a career.

[@Weise1001]

hey hey, im not so sure you did such a bad job.. what led you to be so hard on your self. and btw, the worst parents are those that dont blame them self at all

[@NotSure416]

I'm curious, what happened that you blame yourself for not doing a good job? Most childcare providers are objectively worse than a stay at home mum.

[@joshuamaher614]

haha this

[@ChaoticallyMe]

Hey :) So, leave this with me as I'd like to give you and @joshuamaher614 a considered response on this one.

[@ChaoticallyMe]

@NotSure416 and @joshuamaher614 - So I filmed an explanation and then deleted it because I don't feel comfortable sharing something that involves my husband and my kids without checking that they're okay with it. Instead, here is the gist of it nested here in the comments. Hopefully you both see it. Basically, as a stay at home Mum I failed to show appreciation to my husband for all the hard work he was putting in supporting the family of 5. I never once showed gratitude in front of the kids or told them how great their Dad was. Instead, Dad being on his way home from work was cause for me to go into a panic telling everyone to tidy up, "quick quick Dad will be home any minute"...I made it a negative thing. Additionally, I was terrible at dishing out discipline and I left that all to my husband. This meant that in the hours between school finishing and Dad getting home there was a lot of, "you'll be in so much trouble when Dad gets home"....and then the second my husband walked through the door I'd give him a run down on all the naughty things the boys had done in his absence. Even worse than this....despite relying on my hubby for most of the discipline...if I didn't like how he dished out the discipline I would undermine him in front of the kids. Basically, I didn't set the kids up to appreciate their Dad and for them to respect him. This has had a knock on effect where he has strained relationships with our now adult sons. He isn't in contact with our eldest (23) because our eldest disrespected him during a family gathering and this was one time too many for hubby....and he is still waiting for a heartfelt apology from our son that demonstrates that it won't happen in the future. It all came from a deep seeded resentment towards my husband because I didn't feel supported, especially when the kids were very young (he didn't care for the kids as babies at all...no diaper changes or feeding bottles or helping with bathtime etc). I felt overwhelmed and he didn't live up to my expectations at the time. I failed to appreciate how much he did do for me and the family and as the kids got older he very much had an input in their upbringing (teaching them so many life skills that serve them well as adults that I just couldn't teach them). Additionally, my mother verbally and emotionally beat down my father and disrespected him constantly all throughout my childhood so this was the model I had for how a wife treats her husband. I was never as bad as her...but I also didn't have any idea how a wife should behave....and overall....I had a bad attitude. So I guess....my feeling is that I wasn't cut out as a homemaker and perhaps if I had helped out financially instead...and my kids had had less exposure to me being disrespectful or having a bad attitude towards their father? then maybe things would have turned out better? I'm not sure. It was just how I was feeling about the situation when I made the video....and I still don't have a solution to he predicament the family is in... Thanks for your interest and I hope that clears up things for you :)

[@fredyyfredfreddy]

That accent, I can't quite place it. Where are you from, if I may ask?

[@ChaoticallyMe]

Hey :) I'm Australian. I'm from Brisbane, Australia but now live in North Queensland. My accent has a few quirks (I think) because I lived in the UK for the better part of a decade - from my mid-20s to my mid-30s.

[@Steph-pw2ng]

Jesus forgives all our sins. Give all your regrets, failures and sins to Him. You can be free of this guilt and live in peace and joy!

[@ChaoticallyMe]

Thank you :)