A Teacher in the Stephen King Universe

Written and performed by Bill Schaefer

[@CharactersWelcome]

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[@Silverwind87]

"Sorry I'm late, I was killed by a truck so my grief-stricken father buried me in the cursed graveyard and I came back wrong." "Oh really? Because last I checked the Pet Semetary makes you come back wrong, not come back TARDY!"

[@Hakumeiun]

His test scores indicate they also came back wrong...

[@kayleesmith6725]

He wasn’t even old enough to go to school yet! Lol

[@beastwarsFTW]

"Oh I'm sorry. How about I kill you and see how long it takes for a demon to bring you back or inhabit your dead body and then crawl out of the dirt and get ready for your class?" "If you're evil or a demon or whatever then why did you even come to class!?" "Well...Thats a good question, well played."

[@MatthewTeachout-xj4yy]

“Ok kids in light of new town laws we are now implementing a class about Bullying. As in how to do it because apparently it is the only way to kill demon clowns these days.”

[@rosettastarlight6239]

"But not other students because Carrie's starting to learn how to throw stuff with her mind"

[@AllyGatorAnimator]

@@rosettastarlight6239 "I cannot stress this enough. Bully the clown, not the kids. Bowers didn't follow this lesson and now, instead of being a school hero, that damn clown's got him missing the entire semester because he's in an asylum!"

[@decidueyezealot8611]

@rosettastarlight6239 even the clown doesn't bother carrie

[@ZeacorZeppelin]

When he talked about the guy bringing a weapon into the school, the funny part is Stephen King has a book like that it's called "Rage"

[@yalilitman849]

It probably isn't but it might have been a joke about how that book was written under a pseudonym and so isn't technically part of the Stephen King universe

[@ZeacorZeppelin]

@Yali Litman it is written under the Richard Bachman name, though it still takes place in Maine, maybe an offshoot universe. King had the book pulled from printing and I can see why. I have a copy from the Bachman omnibus. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rage_%28King_novel%29?wprov=sfla1

[@Lucifersfursona]

I say this as someone who likes Stephen king- he’s written a book about everything

[@timhorton8085]

Bachman is name dropped in the dark tower, its all connected

[@FiercelyGold]

Yeah, but King self censored so we can omit it as well

[@GZilla311]

"Derek, stop throwing tampons at Carrie!" The only way it would be better is if he said "Cassie" instead.

[@SapphireCrusader1988]

"Carrie, consider taking one."

[@denelian116]

????? The book (and movie) is name _Carrie_ because the girl with the _powers_ is named Carrie. Why would she be Cassie?

[@rosettastarlight6239]

I think it's referencing how the principal would get her name wrong and call her Cassie instead of Carrie

[@denelian116]

@@rosettastarlight6239 oh, duh, yeah that would have been that final indignity, wouldn't it?

[@alexconn7473]

"Sir if Derek does it again do I have permission to throw it back at him?" "You know what Alex go right ahead." "Thanks sir and don't worry carrie I got you covered."

[@cantaloupegodling352]

I love the implication that Bill wouldn't have gotten detention if he had actually finished Pennywise.

[@Ch50304]

well, he didn't do the homework, and he didn't vanquish a child eating demon, what did he do?

[@ATMOSK1234]

Sewer orgy

[@SappyDuder]

​@@Ch50304 his best

[@Merilirem]

@@SappyDuder Well his best wasn't good enough now was it?

[@Cinnaschticks]

​@@SappyDuderThis is a school

[@m3rrys0ngstr3ss]

"Mother Abagail Freemantle is a fine woman, but she is not a school administrator - helping her spread the Good Word does NOT count for your community service hours!"

[@CollegeDroputPowerpoints]

The best joke is he made the conscious decision to reference the mist of all things.

[@InvisibleHotdog]

Just make sure the car you try to hide in from Cujo isn't a 1950s model

[@jajajasputin8927]

Little bitty pretty one is playing in the distance

[@jrr2480]

Christine is a very dangerous model T 😉

[@lorierush6561]

​@@jrr2480 She was a Plymouth Fury.

[@seanwilkinson7431]

Also the trunk of the Buick 8 is a portal to a monster-infested, Lovecraftian hell dimension that exists between realities.

[@thequietestengine]

@@seanwilkinson7431 someone shouting out Buick 8, respect for you for that.

[@Hollyberrystreats]

"Carrie, consider taking one"

[@husker4life109]

“We dont have to deal with a kid bringing a gun to school…” Charlie decker says hold my gun

[@mas8705]

I’m sorry I’m late, Sir. My neighbor’s dog went rabid and kept me trapped in my house- I missed the Cujo drills?! Where the hell was that when I needed it!?

[@tommychantzis6296]

"Oh and also , if you ever see a shadow man named "Randal Flagg" in your dreams or in real life , just stay away from him. You don't wanna stand where he stands."

[@SpeedwagonZaidan]

I read the Great Gatsby in a single day. So Bill needs to get his ass into gear.

[@becominghero9754]

I know, right?

[@oftengruntled5432]

"Sorry teach, I would have made it to class on time but I tripped over part of a ufo in my backyard and then spent like a year unearthing it :/ I really gotta learn better time management, huh?

[@dmgroberts5471]

"I think you should go by the Nurse's Station, you're looking a little...translucent...and did I see you riding here on a dishwasher moving under its own power? Do you have a permit for that thing?"

[@thegrimmretails3777]

"Extra pants and underwear will be available in the nurse's office. You'll know when it happens.

[@thetriathigamer1544]

This is so accurate, this is the most accurate teacher impression ever.

[@andrewmihovich4252]

There's a lot I like about this. ...I don't remember anyone in _Needful Things_ getting trapped in a "mirror dimension." I can't help thinking that a journal from Needful Things would look like a leather-bound private journal that had belonged to your favorite author, barely used, with just enough to mark it as having once belonged to them before you make it your own, and to buy it you would have to break up the lawn ornaments of someone else in town who you don't really know but thinks their vendetta with their neighbor is gonna blow up any day now.

[@catsndogs98]

He literally stopped the plot of carrie

[@Sturmjager]

Sorry sir. I had to hitch a ride in a Pontiac with a guy who kept stopping everywhere to have a new portrait of himself painted.

[@879SCSP]

"A hot car to hide in" CHRISTINE NO

[@MuertaNox]

Nah, that one wasn't christine. Cujo is nominally about a rabid dog, but to get away from said dog... they were trapped in an old car with no AC in the summer heat. You ever think maybe it's okay to leave your kid in the hot car for just a minute while you run into the store? Yeah. The book tells you exactly WHY you DON'T.

[@kennybrightwell1877]

I’m sorry I was late sir, there’s a tiger in the boys bathroom, and I had to go really bad.

[@infectioustomfoolery]

That was the weirdest goddamn story I've ever read lol

[@lorierush6561]

@@infectioustomfoolery Which one is that?

[@MetastaticMaladies]

This is great, I love how he includes the audience to repeat stuff like they are his students. Good bit, I loved it

[@AntiThunder176]

So sorry I’m late sir, I was on my way to school but then a truck with a green goblin face started to chase me down

[@GZilla311]

No. Excuses.

[@psychogamer7213]

"I'm sorry I'm late again sir, My 100 year old Grandpa needed his meds after watching an old movie again. I think It was 'Top Hat' or somethin'."

[@Dragonlover553]

This is not how I expected to get spoilers for a 99 year old book.

[@DinoRicky]

The books were made between the 70s to now about 50 years ago

[@TheVivvav]

This dude has some Jason Mantzoukas energy goin' on.

[@TupocalypseShakur]

Man the teacher looks stressed, I know this one forest he take a relaxing drive through. It's creepy but it'll have him feeling like a new man

[@MuertaNox]

Not going to lie, I thought the kid who was late at the end of the class would have gotten the response, "Oh, there's a -tiger- in the -bathroom-? All right I've had enough of this bullshit, I'm going to go look."

[@IsiahTomas]

Shame Professor Xavier never met Carrie.

[@lizanna6390]

Much happier ending.

[@williamlancaster5136]

I can just imagine him rolling up and yelling Carrie this is not who you are!!! as she's slaughtering her classmates.

[@lizanna6390]

@@williamlancaster5136 he'd get her name right

[@grayson8633]

Jean could probably calm her down given her...experiences😅

[@Lil-EDaReaper]

This needs to be a show shit would be hilarious

[@newelljoseph5060]

Mr. Griffin: David, glad to see you, did you finish your homework over the summer? You couldn't because your family took a vacation trip and got trapped in a town called Desperation because an evil spirit possessed a cop that killed everyone? The only 'Desperation' I hear, is why you couldn't get the homework done while you were stuck there.

[@Grim_Sister]

“You didn’t read the assignment because you and your friends found a dead body? Ok. And? Finding bodies in the street isn’t new in this town.”

[@NextToToddliness]

This is brilliant.

[@eldridgebrown3907]

This was freaking hilarious! I LOVE IT!

[@shadejakva9367]

"Sorry I'm late, sir. I've been having a hard time staying awake or motivated after finding out my girlfriend cheated on me but I DID get the creative writing assignment done, and if a guy from the class down the hall named John Shooter tells you I copied his assignment don't believe him!"

[@Overlord0011]

"Sorry I'm late. My newly restored 1958 Plymouth Fury wanted me to go drive around and run over a few people." "So not only are you late, but you made other students late!? That's detention!"

[@rocknrollcannibals]

That was pretty damn good.

[@cruizlee214]

If anybody wants to play sports, the vaseball coach is looking for a dream catcher.

[@huntern3071]

Someone send this to Stephen king

[@thefancytophat3662]

This is awesome

[@witherwolf3316]

I wanted to make some witty comment but this kind of just started triggering a worldbuilding reflex in my brain instead.

[@dariusporter358]

Me: “Sorry I’m late. I was visiting my uncle on Little Tall and we got snowed in. Then Andre Linoge showed up and that was a whole thing.” Him: “Maybe if you would have gave him what he wanted, he would have gone away and you wouldn’t have been TARDEY! DETENTION!”

[@MawdyDev]

My instinct to zone out kicked in. Well done! Such an accurate representation of school assemblies that the 20+ years old classical conditioning reared its ugly head to make me dissociate.

[@cameronyoung1290]

...i misread the title on this as"steven universe" lol

[@rubenvela6247]

“Sorry I am late, teacher; I was too distracted by this medium who can see into the past, present and future and I was telling him about our good old religious fanatic congressman who’s going to do great things if he becomes President of The United States”

[@echosacto3133]

Im trying to get into Stephen King and i need to know the references

[@cruizlee214]

Next period is the shop class.

[@kevincaruthers5412]

So, ummmm... How do I get one of those journals?

[@cruizlee214]

Carrie has a red run.

[@Mikoyo15]

Sorry I’m late. I was flying home from vacation when our plane went through a time rip. Then last night my house was attacked by a werewolf that was missing an eye

[@wyrdness1]

Captain Trips

[@fearlessleader889]

Why does he sound so much like Chris Pratt?

[@angrybidoof847]

Great except cujo just had rabies , he wasn't a demon

[@persomiissleepy]

Which means someone buried him in the pet semetary.

[@ApocryphalDude]

TBF The Great Gatsby isn't all that great

[@YesTodaySatan69]

"Sorry I'm late, I had to stop at this weird store to buy pencils and the owner wouldn't stop going on about a 'terrible cost' and wouldn't let me leave."

[@CinnamonQuills]

"Sorry sir, I'm late because I was walking to school and the old Wilson place was suddenly fixed up and a nice old lady invited me in for tea, but then the walls started to bleed and she rotted away in front of my eyes and was laughing about my childhood abuse--" "CLASSIC Pennywise dodge. Don't any of you read the Pennywise Avoidance flyers we put out? NEVER investigate ANYTHING that looks weird or out of place, that includes restored houses, balloons, shiny objects, dead family members calling for you, wandering pets, and little kids who look lost."

[@pugtie4695]

😂

[@lydiajevera4250]

"Im sorry I was late. Aparently one of the other students didn't like how my creative writing assignment ended so she trapped me in her house and tried to make me change it. I have the broken leg to prove it."

[@Emshii_]

Missing foot, broken leg, shattered pelvis, missing thumbs too

[@MURPHYCHACHO]

"Unless you have a doctor's note to go with that leg, I don't wanna hear it."

[@ArchieRatsworth]

​@@MURPHYCHACHO*Shows the teacher my stump* How about this missing foot?

[@wiilov]

*Furiously rewrites ending of book-*

[@SpaceCase132]

@@ArchieRatsworthTeacher: … Ok, I’ll allow it, but next time that happens, be sure to have a note.

[@Carebearritual]

“i don’t know why that’s funny” about the recalled book Rage is so creative and hilarious

[@Atlasbr001]

that one went over my head lol

[@mate12cf]

Sorry I was late sir, I had to seal an evil doll in a metal box and throw her in a lake

[@NextToToddliness]

"As long as you stop saying an evil St. Bernard has been eating your homework, and terrorizing you & your mom. That excuse is getting old, young man."

[@joshuaingram571]

He should have ripped the arms off the damn monkey and buried them in different locations.

[@ChestersonJack]

He’ll have to be very careful with the assigned essay over winter break, I know one kid’s family is gonna be going to a hotel for the winter, and that particular hotel has a poor history when it comes to writer’s block and family vacations.

[@Ch50304]

yes, be careful of that hotel, and the bloody hallways

[@beastwarsFTW]

I went there and one of the guest just wrote the same sentence all over the walls and then tried to kill me. The bar tender was nice but he tried to get me to kill my loved ones ☆☆☆●●

[@The_Official_Goblin]

The hotel's decor is nice i heard, however the reception kinda sucks and theres windows that let you look outside when your in the middle of the building. But less people does mean more food for yourself in the food court so id give it a solid 7/10

[@docrofreborn7497]

They have great parties, don’t they?

[@Nothing-of-Much-Importance]

“Hey, Mr Griffin? I dunno if I can do this assignment on religion since the priest is a werewolf and I don’t really wanna risk either being ripped to shreds or turned into a werewolf myself trying to ask him about the church just to probably get a B-“

[@MrNickPresley]

"So, you can go across town and have silver bullets made, but you can't do your assignment? Detention!"

[@fugitivehunter]

I was looking for a comment like that. I love that story.

[@decidueyezealot8611]

@MrNickPresley facts

[@rustyshackleford2950]

The ending of the skit is how we get "The Stand".

[@WastedPotential17]

People did say that COVID was a Superflu

[@khayyin359]

​@@WastedPotential17 *Is. Sadly still around, killing thousands a week and disabling far more with long covid.

[@geeksdo1tbetter]

Yo! I didn't understand that joke

[@Voraphiel]

Exactly what I thought!!! 😅

[@number3766]

I love the implication that the teacher has dealt with the steven king shenanigans like it's a 9-5. He not only knows where and what the paranormal BS is, but how to stop them and the cost to do so is. He's just like "hey kids, don't do this, this and this. That's gonna kill ya this way, that's gonna traumatize you this way, that's a portal to another dimension, ect."

[@heavybre]

"Alright, class, we have a new student from Denver. He recently lost his father in a hotel fire, so please be kind to him, m'kay?"

[@slimmsayton]

…and when you hide in that hot car, make sure it’s not a ‘58 Plymouth Fury…just in case

[@Luis-Sosa]

Red one anyways

[@Ishtarru]

I loved "You can float your ass on down to the principal's office."

[@Kokkurichan]

"Sorry I'm late, sir! I slept through my alarm because some kid kept me up all night. He kept scratching at my window and asking me to let him in!"

[@ReyaitheShadowWolf]

"Sorry I was late, a guy in a Buick 8 cut me off and unleashed horrors beyond my comprehension."

[@SunWukongTheMonkeyKing]

This man thought this through so well. Absolutely glorious.

[@Senthiuz]

"I'm sorry I'm late. It took us half an hour to get by the traffic around the hospital. Something about a Reverend being ressurected?"

[@Lucifersfursona]

3:02 “PRFF-“ “HAHHWHUAAT” “That did not break the way I thought!”

[@Lucifersfursona]

Call cps on carrie’s mom what are you doing

[@MFSeaMen]

“I’m sorry I didn’t get the writing assignment done. I allowed my evil brain tumour of a twin brother / split personality to start writing it and accidentally manifested an evil version of myself who killed all my friends”.

[@Nutshellbound]

@@MFSeaMen "Bachman wasn't a happy person"-Stephen King

[@seanwilkinson7431]

Yew stole mah stawreh!

[@CJBerdomas]

Sorry I was late to class, I had to help a Clint Eastwood knock off, a chick in a wheelchair and a heroin addict stop a guy in a red cloak.

[@thenocturnenarrator]

*points* I UNDERSTOOD THAT REFERENCE AND I LOVE IT

[@reallyfreakingoodvideogame468]

To be fair, the guy in a red cloak is REALLY bad news.

[@lorierush6561]

Which one is that? "The stand"?

[@oscarsalazar5876]

The guy in the red cloak barely does anything, throws deadly grenades sure, but nowhere as threatening as he was built up to be.

[@CJBerdomas]

@@lorierush6561 No Dark Tower

[@ems3376]

The “Rage” joke was spot on!

[@roseJ96]

Explaining you're late after getting kidnapped because your father smoked a cigarette.

[@persomiissleepy]

Thanks Quitter's Inc

[@persomiissleepy]

Thanks Quitter's Inc

[@jimothybilliams334]

"This is AP English, but here's some stats for your ass, Bill"

[@spitfireblaziken3663]

Sorry I’m late teach. I had to take a bunch of detours in order to avoid getting killed by a microwave, an electric knife, my mom’s car, my dad’s car, a lawnmower, a steamroller, a bunch of other cars and trucks, a semi truck with a goblin face on it, and three vending machines. In that order. (Maximum Overdrive for those who don’t know)

[@beckmannm]

"Just this morning, on my way here, a big hawk TOOK OFF with my car!" 😂😂😂😂

[@Cyclonestorm8]

… which one is that a reference to?

[@thing_under_the_stairs]

@@Cyclonestorm8 It.

[@chaosplank210]

hawk tuah

[@bluelightstudios6191]

it didn't fly away with it. the hawk was humanoid and drove off with it after hot wiring the b*tch

[@kamomile_tea]

All of those jokes were so well written and on point

[@jordanetherington1922]

I loved all the little references. This guy clearly did the research

[@jrr2480]

Sorry Tech, I had a truly crazy vacation. First, I got stuck in a haunted hotel 🏩, then got tortured by a crazy lady who liked reading 📖 my homework paper, then almost got ranovered by a possessed car, got put into prison and see a good man go down the Green Mile. I later escaped in the sewers, came across that Supernatural Clown 🤡 who kept on saying 'You'd float too!' Saw a dead body near the railway 🛤 and finally got passed that pet cemetery before getting to class. Also, I think 🤔 some of the students are messing around that corn field 🌽 , putting some people on scarecrows 😅

[@BB_and_Shroomz83]

I never realized that carrie was one of stephen king's I watched the movie when i was young, and never thought about reading the book

[@Kokkurichan]

The book's really good in my opinion. It's mostly told through a compilation of interviews and articles.

[@MuertaNox]

Not only is it one of Steven King's, it's the first one he got published. Got so frustrated he threw it away halfway done, his wife pulled it out of the trash, read it, and asked What Happens Next.

[@turquoisesnowflake4613]

"Sorry I'm late, I was trapped in Estes Park because of weather and the hotel I stayed at was technically closed for the season. Lovely hotel, totally haunted"

[@chrisdavey5530]

follow up announcement from principal Flagg he would like to inform everyone that "we are legion....and please be punctual"

[@jalejablonsky2396]

“I’m sorry, Teach, I’d made it on time but I was trapped in another dimension and had to come back through a time travel train by having someone I know be fucked an imp… for some reason I couldn’t account for that.”

[@thomasp.1533]

“You let the other kids call you trash can man? Come on, have some self respect! You could do great things with your life! You could save the world one day!”

[@omalleycaboose5937]

"I couldn't do the assignment, I walked for hours on the train tracks to find the other student who died

[@eddiestaud1843]

Sorry teach, had to detour from my usual route due to a police roadblock, something about some guy digging out of Shawshank or something.

[@OhSkyeLanta]

*laughs from the gallows scaffolding*

[@sevendeadlysquids404]

Don’t worry! I’ll never be late. I’d get eaten by Langoliers if I was.

[@JDKaye]

This was an absolutely epic routine! Excellent job! You did your research! A+

[@prastarkeepers]

"Alright, today, we're going to talk about sex ed, and--Yes, Bev? . . . What do you mean you seven already have experience?"

[@garyking1986]

What’s a shame is how obvious the crowd just isn’t understanding the references

[@omnicupid6694]

"Sorry I'm late, sir. My family and I went to this hotel for winter break and my dad tried to kill me and my mom. It took a while for us to get back."

[@anarcho_cyber9119]

“Your father alcoholism isn’t a school’s issues Omni, you know back in high school…I tried to ask her out and she said “I’d rather marry a failed author”…look where it got her”

[@NekoChanSenpai]

Teacher forgets the worldwide superflu pandemic known as captain tripps

[@Gfish17]

Wouldn't living in the Stephen King universe with someone like Carrie be just as real as a person with a gun!? Perhaps even worse considering guns will eventually jam and run out of ammo.

[@rickyrhodes9008]

I mean Carrie eventually jammed and ran out of ammo, too.

[@Loki_K]

It's a reference to Rage. tl;dr book written from school shooter perspective that King voluntarily pulled from the shelves.

[@ghostofrevan4455]

"And to top it off, the only one of you thats is always on time, is the kid in the wheel chair..... I would say he's my best student, except the excuse he gave me for not reading Gatsby.... WAS SHOOTING A WERE-WOLF WITH A BOTTLE ROCKET!!"

[@Devilsblight86]

Long story short: Maine fucking sucks...

[@jrr2480]

I agree 👍, it's not near as scary as Louisiana. All of Stephen King's villains would die in less than a day out in the bayou and/or the streets of New Orleans. 😅

[@jeffk.9075]

Thank you algorithm for bringing this to me finally.

[@404errormessage]

Same here