Childhood Sexual Abuse and Repressed Memories - Part 1

In this video, I talk about my experience as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (incest) and person living with PTSD. I do not disclose this in the video: my abuser was my father. He died a few years ago. In 2016, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder, dissociative amnesia (the official diagnosis for repressed memories) and major depressive disorder. My symptoms seemed to explode from nowhere -- nightmares, intense fear, flashbacks, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts of suicide and cutting. I began doing EMDR a few months after my diagnosis because my symptoms just kept getting worse. It greatly helped to reduce my symptoms, but also caused me to remember details that were horrific. I wanted to believe my memories were inaccurate, but I learned after EMDR that my father was a serial sexual predator and I wasn't the only child he attempted to sexually assault.
My denial decreased a great deal after I was able to work through the grief. It has been five years since my diagnosis and during that time, I completed my Master of Social Work degree and took early retirement from my career in healthcare communications.
The connections I've made with other survivors made my recovery possible. I love you, survivors!
For more information on repressed memories see www.jimhopper.... and blogs.brown.ed...

[@letmeseemm]

I recovered my memory of childhood sexual abuse during the pandemic. I didn't want to believe/ found it hard to believe that I could trust my memory and that this is truly what happened to me. But after connecting the dots of my symptoms & going to therapy I can't deny the truth of it any more.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Meghan, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've met other survivors who also struggle with denial, and five years into recovery, I still struggle with it from time to time. But, I'm doing so much better in every way. I wish you all of the best in your healing.

[@susanj6761]

Meghan McShan I always had flicker’s of memories but never a whole picture until one day all those bits came together It’s hard for me to explain I was raised not to rock the boat,, but pushing memories out doesn’t make them disappear

[@JohnSmith-ks5xw]

Same thing happened to me. I remembered my abuse during the pandemic. Was very, very hard to understand and accept.

[@pluckybellhop66]

I was almost abused that way when I was 12, but my dad stopped himself, but it still messed me up and I bleeped it out of my memory. I had ptsd for 16 years after and had no idea why and always just told myself I was a messed up shallow person. I ran away from home without knowing why and was so depressed for a long time. Thank you for uploading this to help people understand what it's like.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I had to work on understanding and finding forgiveness for myself in my teen and young adult years because I also behaved badly. It sounds like you've gained a lot of understanding of yourself. Working on my recovery has helped me so much. I hope you find the same.

[@loubop]

The first 30 sec of this had me in tears. We ARE all badasses! I remember feeling deep depression as young as six. I have two memories in childhood relating to SA with my father, hopefully no more but I’m not quite sure. I just know the feelings I had growing up, the seemingly random things that would trigger me and send me into a spiral, the way I don’t really like having men in my own family touch me now (I overanalyze every single hug and am paranoid). I hate it. I’m going to go to therapy soon. Wish me luck. We can absolutely conquer this and live beautiful lives. We are warriors, gentle, vocal, angry-we are the meaning of strength.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thank you so much. It has been 7 years now for me in recovery and I feel a little bit better each day. Working to heal is hard, but it pays off and then some. I am truly happier than I've ever been, stronger too. I wish you the best. Your best life is ahead.

[@lancewalker2595]

You should warn the men in your life of that... I'm sure they'd hate to risk being inadvertently responsible for offending you in a way related to a crime that most men are disgusted by.

[@mountainpeakcloud8442]

Thank you for making this video about repressed memories as related to childhood sexual abuse, especial addressing the detractors of repressed memories. Through recent therapy, as a man in my 40s, I regained some memories of being molested when I was 6. After reading some articles from the people online saying that repressed memories was not real (even from some commenters who said that if you were abused you could never forget), I thought I was going crazy, and started to doubt myself, which made it harder. I have suffered from drug abuse growing up, self sabotaging behavior, low self esteem, depression, anxiety, brain fog... you name it, I had it, and I also suffered from memory loss of when I was a young child, only having little snippets of memories. I always thought my bad memory (even as I got older) was due to my drug abuse as a teen, and didn't think it could possibly due to sexual assault (I was again sexually assaulted in college), and other traumatic experiences. It's helpful to learn that repressed memories are a thing. It's still all very confusing, and sometimes I wonder if I crazy or not.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thanks for your encouragement. I appreciate hearing from other people who have had similar experiences. It still doesn't feel real to me. However, so much else has improved in my life. Keep working on your recovery. It gets better.

[@curlupnde]

These bad memories came back when I was 13, im now 15 and dealing with it has been so hard, especially because I got out of therapy. The worst part is that I still have to see the 2 people who abus3d me when I was younger, because they are apart of family, it hurts that I can't enjoy my holidays without constantly feeling trigered. ( Pls don't say that I should tell my parents, if I thought that I would be safer after, would have done that way sooner, but that just doesn't feel like an option). I am gonna try to find a new therapist because I don't think I can continue suffering alone, physically and mentally, all of me hurts and I start to think that there's no more hope for me to have a goood life.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

You are so amazingly strong. You know what is best for you, and you are mature well beyond your years. I too suffer from pain during the holidays, but not like yours. I'm so sorry. It sounds like therapy has helped you in the past; trying again might help. Don't give up. We survivors are tough and when we put our energy and focus into it, we can achieve incredible things. My thoughts are with you. Perhaps you can fake the flu? Hang in there. It gets better. Hugs to you and best wishes for a better 2024.

[@Toni-lo9ms]

I had large parts of my early memories locked off for a long time for multiple reasons. Most I've worked through: repressed sexuality, repressed gender issues, religious trauma, and trauma associated with extreme poverty and deaths of close relatives I wasn't mentally prepared to deal with. There are, however, some memories that I still can't get to and they're associated with a time I and two relatives close to my age were groomed by a pedophile and a man who went out of his way to befriend me and spend time alone with me at a church camp. There might be more but those are the primary points that keep coming up right now. I always assumed we weren't actually abused in the first case and can't even remember more than the basic fact that he was potentially creeping on me in the second. The thing is, when I try to remember I get sick and scared in a way that isn't normal for me and I also remember some highly sexualized behavior that isn't normal for me either. I wasn't promiscuous but had I not been depressed and antisocial I would have been, which is even stranger because I'm demi-sexual wasn't actively attracted to anyone or wanting sex for it's own sake but I was obsessively drawn to it anyway and it felt more like addictive behavior. Add to that the behavior of my nieces (who were the other two who were groomed) and a very dark picture arises. Mqny of the symptoms you mentioned have also been issues for me. Thank you for sharing your story. If what I suspect is true knowing others have dealt with the impact of recovering those memories and come out the other side is going to be very important some day. 💜

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

It sounds like you've worked through some of your trauma already. I've been in recovery for seven years now. Whatever comes up for you is something that you can deal with. It gets easier. All the best to you.

[@underconstruct2024]

Thanks. I need more hugs.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Sending a hug your way.

[@DiamondsRexpensive]

I grew up as a kid who's always stressed out and terrified, but there was no reason in my immediate environment for me to feel that way. I am now sure as an adult that something happened to me, but I don't remember it. I'd do anything to rmemeber it because I have to know. If I was hurt, and the perosn is still alive that means they're doing it to others.

[@DemeshiaParker]

I went all the way back to age 6😢

[@AlizaeMontano]

Me too. It all came back to me when I was 18.

[@Geeya6]

Really good video,new subbie.

[@shiftingsebster5503]

I was talking to my mums ex-fiancé's daughter and she said she was sexually abused by her dad (this ex) and a load of shit just came back. I remember him doing things but i don't know if i'm just idk.... faking it. but i feel like something big did happen.

[@Mumnonymous]

So helpful! So I had a recovered memory of a dream or flashback I had as a kid. It volved an incestuous encounter. How do I decipher if it's a dream or flashback? If you can please do let me know your thoughts. I'm in so much emotional pain. XxX

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

My heart goes out to you. Not all dreams are a sign that something actually happened in the past. Mine came with a lot of symptoms I was ignoring. Some of those symptoms include extreme anxiety, feeling like I was unable to breathe and like I was being choked, extreme nausea, difficulty sleeping, multiple nightmares about my abuser, and an unexplained fear of triggers that only make sense now that I understand what happened. I had a visual hallucination involving the light around my bedroom door when I went to bed. In addition, my abuser, my father, was a sexual predator and likely a sociopath. I knew that about him and that he did immoral things and lied when confronted. If you start to be able to put together other pieces of the picture, seeing a therapist for assessment would be the next step. Hugs to you. You will be okay, whether it actually happened or not.

[@bentebehet5389]

Its so weird i cant remember but just last week a feeling hit me could this happend to me and I brushed it off. Today i was doing som inner work and boom i had a really bad meltdown i FEEL it happend but i don’t remember i feel like i am going crazy

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I can relate very well to what you are saying. It is okay to be unsure. Be gentle and patient with yourself. I wish you the best.

[@renatysdaquila2950]

I feel this way too. It's like I just know but I didn't know how or why. It hit me when I was 17 and to this day I still have nightmares related to it at the age of 33

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

@@renatysdaquila2950 - Sorry to hear that you were also abused, but thanks for commenting. I wish you the best in your recovery.

[@lunagotta3499]

hi i went trough the same thing when i was 17. i am now 20 and i still don’t have memories but my mum told me really weird things i did as a child and 2 years after, when i got 19 my aunt confessed that also she got abused by her father (my grandfather). I don’t have any proof but i know that it happened. trust your instincts. your brain wouldn’t just make you feel this panic if nothing wouldn’t have happened. believe in yourself.

[@Britbrat31172]

Me too :(

[@tjwms9345]

I wish I could visit with you. I no longer have social media of any kind. But I have questions and I think you may can help me understand the craziness I feel by not having full memories of my childhood. I’m a couple of months in to my second year with my sixth counselor since the early 1990’s. He is wonderful, an older gentle man that specializes in CPTSD. I travel an hour and forty minutes one way to see him once a week, then I am completely wiped out and emotionally exhausted for the next several days. I’m having weird dreams, anxiety dreams that I cannot describe once I’m awake. I know my abuser(s), my mother allowed men to molest me at an early age, my youngest memory is of me being in thick cotton trainer panties and she’s left me alone with a strange man. The only memories I do have of my childhood is in “snapshot” form. Thank you for being brave enough to put yourself out here even when some are so unkind. There are those of us who need to hear you and hope…

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thank you so much for your comments and encouragement. I'm so sorry you were molested as a child. It is such a dreadful thing to happen to any child. I've learned to brush off the negative comments about my videos pretty well. I understand your desire to talk to another survivor. I really needed to do that when I first started to deal with my trauma. I felt like what I knew happened couldn't have possibly happened because I couldn't remember it. My brain was protecting me. Denial is a defense mechanism and I've learned to make peace with it. I still have some. It is very painful to have large holes in childhood memories. I still feel like parts of myself are missing. However, I've come to know who I was as a child so much better now, and I comfort and nurture that part of myself. I've been in recovery for 8 years now and I'm doing very well. It may be helpful for you to try EMDR if your therapist agrees. Keep fighting for yourself. You are worth it.

[@tjwms9345]

@@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637 😘🤗🙏❤️💕 Thank you so much for replying back to me, for validating me in my struggles to make some bit of sense of the “why’s”. My counselor does EMDR and we have worked with this method earlier but I can only walk in the memories up to just before any sexual abuse begins then the black wall comes down over my memory we were working on, blocking everything and stops the session. How do I push through? Is it safe to push myself beyond what my mind wants me to remember? There was more abuse than sexual, beatings that left me covered in bruises, I’ve eaten from dumpsters, and out of the trash while my mother never missed a meal. The verbal assaults were just as damaging- teaching me to believe I wasn’t worthy of any value other than what she got out of abusing me. WITH her last man, that abuse went from the age of 8 yrs to four months shy of my fourteenth birthday - It only stopped because I started my period when I was almost 14 yrs old, she didn’t want him to get me pregnant. 😭😭😭 I married at sixteen - I believe to get away from the house of terror!

[@virianelui8628]

I knew something was up with my memories like i did some things when i was a child and couldn't understand the meaning or why i was doing it i really didn't care but lately i've been really scared of someone in my family like i have a feeling something big happened but i can't remember now when i remember what i was doing as a child was something to cope with what ? I still can't remember but today i had a really bad flashback my chest is paining and can't breathe i don't if it's true or not i can't believe it I'm wondering maybe my brain is just playing with me .I'm so scared

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

A counselor might be helpful to you in sorting out what is causing your symptoms. Whether it is past abuse, or something else, having extreme panic with difficulty breathing is a symptom that can be managed. I wish you the best in finding the cause and healing. My father was my abuser. I'm doing better than ever today. No matter what you learn, you are going to work through it. Many people like me already have and you will too.

[@boob3subs581]

Thank you so much for this video, I’ve recently maybe over the course of a year been thinking back at a time when I was very young around 6 or 7 in church. It was these older twin boys maybe around 16. I remember one of them used to wrestle me a lot and I always remembered that part very well but i never really thought about it until last year when I lost my virginity because I realized that I was very uncomfortable with the idea of sex. I remember for around 5 years or so that I was very uncomfortable around men, so much so that I considered myself gay for some time. But I was no older than maybe around 11. Now that I’m 19 I would say I’m not uncomfortable around men (for the most part) anymore. Back to when I was 6-7, I remember this particular time being under a table with the boy, remember him holding on to me so tight almost like a chokehold but I could still breathe, I think it was just the fact that I was so little and he was so big that I couldn’t get away from him. But after that I can’t recall anything else, maybe someone walking in the room idk. I remember when he used to wrestle me he was so much bigger than me and stronger than me that I felt trapped. But that’s all I remember, and it’s got me thinking that something happened to me because I find it a little strange that I always think back at that specific time when I think about my intimacy issues. I would also like to say that the more I tried to think about it the more uncomfortable I got and even started to get emotional and wanted to cry, so I stopped.

[@lunagotta3499]

i’m so sorry about that! i have a similar story. no memories but i know that something happened. trust your instincts! I think you should go to a therapist if you can. this will help you!

[@lacyInmon1978]

I was repeatedly sexually abused by a relative from the age of 9 years old until I was 12 and I suffer from PTSD

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm so sorry. It is so tough. Don't give up on new and old ways to reduce your symptoms. Last year, I did some additional EMDR and it has been life-changing. No more multiple daily flashbacks. I'm really living my best life now.

[@vj9988]

I honeslty wish they had stayed repressed.. my therapist started EMDR with me. At the urging of my mom. and i know it is probably for the best in the long run.. but I fucking hate it!!!

[@DiamondsRexpensive]

Will edmr recover them? I need to recover mine.

[@karinalafayette8814]

I don't know if I was molested but I have that hunch. There's especially that anxiety near my lower body and my mom also tried to accuse my uncle, but it was not him. If it happened, it was her. She used to walk around naked, make comments about my looks and sometimes would watch me change. There's other things that I do remember that I can't type on a platform like KZbin. Maybe one day, I'll remember more, but I'm scared. I stopped talking to her in 2014.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I stopped talking to my abuser, my father, too. He died a few years ago. Glad he's no longer a threat to anyone. It may help you to talk to a therapist. I understand the fear. I had it too. After 8 years of therapy, I'm not so terrified anymore and life is good again.

[@CharliReef]

researching because a rape scene in an anime I was watching, that was intentionally disturbing, may have disturbed me more than it was supposed to? I've been a bit messed up recently, don't like looking at any porn, I can't erp without thinking about that scene, Idk if it's the anime itself that traumatized me, or something deeper, but I just want to know

[@orangesodabliss]

I’m so scared that this is me. I have a feeling it just might be. I’m only 19 though, so I don’t think my subconscious mind can recover this memory.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Hi. I'm sorry to hear that you are having concerns you may have been molested as a child. If something is there, it will come out when the time is ready. Everyone benefits from focusing on mental wellness and wellness overall. For survivors, it is even more important. Make sure you have support in your life. Sources can be friends, family, religion or spirituality, such as through connection to nature, one or more pets, and a hobby or two that you really love. Look into mindfulness and yoga which have been shown to improve mental health. These are some of the steps you can take that will benefit you whether you have to work through trauma or not. I wouldn't want to wish what happened to me on anyone, but if you've gone through something similar, you'll work through it and you will be okay.

[@Magestik8]

So if you can’t trust all recovered memories why trust any of them , I don’t understand

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

We need to believe in recovered memories because they have a cause. What we call recovered memories is actually a cluster of symptoms that is very consistent across people with severe childhood trauma. This includes flashbacks, nightmares, nausea, emotional outbursts, aggression, insomnia, depression and thoughts of suicide. People suffering from these symptoms, without effective therapy, often do die of suicide, and live at greatly increased risk for substance abuse issues. After I began recovering my memories, I've since learned I wasn't the only child my father attempted to abuse, and he did the exact same thing to her that he did to me. Accepting the truth is part of recovery.

[@Holsgolightly]

Can you post more videos about this

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Hi. It's still very hard for me to talk about it on video. Dissociative amnesia is the scientific term used most often now. It exists, and it sucks in many ways. However, I've been in recovery for seven years now. I've come to accept that my memories, mostly in the form of nightmares and flashbacks, are memories. My perspective on life and purpose have changed, and I'm happier and more at peace than I've ever been. I'm trying to write a book. I know more are needed.

[@firstlovemusicmn]

Constructive criticism: I appreciate your content however, it would be easier to listen to if you could work on not smacking your lips between statements. It is rather distracting.

[@amy123at]

Umm umm ummm 😆❤️

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

See my response. It's part of my trauma response. I was only a couple of years into my recovery. I didn't know what I didn't know. I dissociate and it makes my thoughts somewhat disconnected.

[@bonnieleick7765]

Very interesting, but I got tired of hearing "um" in every sentence.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

If you think this is bad, you should see the versions I tossed. Thanks for the feedback.

[@thetongueofangels1882]

@@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637 lol thanks for the video❤

[@Megdracula]

@@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637 I don’t get why someone has to be rude when you are presenting such a hard to make video. I’m sorry. I thought it was so helpful.

[@sunny4lady]

wow! and this is what you got out of the video? this is what you payed attention to? wow...

[@GailOwens]

​@@sunny4lady*paid* not payed

[@mpcr10]

Uhm uhm uhm. I wanted to concentrate on what she was talking about but her uhms just made me so mad