Part 2: My story of recovering memories of being sexually abused as a child

[@JulyBay]

4 years ago in a middle of a deep meditation repressed memories came back. Similar to you body sensations and emotions. It was scary when I questioned in the middle of the meditation “why now” the answer I got back was “you are able to handle it now”. I hated it. I am still in denial and afraid to dig deep because I don’t want to know who the abuser was. Idk how I can live with that knowledge. But you are so brave thank you for sharing your story.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thanks so much for sharing. I'm sorry you were also abused. I still have issues with denial and I've been in recovery for seven years now. You learn to live with what you have to. The work I've done on recovery was well worth it. I'm doing well now. I wish you the best in your recovery.

[@Brendan-fy6ne]

What happens when the abuser is your mom , and she denies it until this day. And when I confronted her with it and asked her about it she screamed at me and told me that could never have happened.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. My abuser was my dad. I had cut contact with him when my memories started to come back. My brother confronted my father about sexually abusing me. He denied it. They almost always deny it. I do not regret severing ties with my father, and he died, so we will never restore contact. Do what you need to do to heal. Focus on you. Again, I'm so sorry. Local sexual assault organizations are available in the US and they might be able to offer counseling if you don't have healthcare coverage.

[@Brendan-fy6ne]

I'm sorry there are people like this in our world. Especially when they are our parents. Thanks for reaching out to me ,I can't say it makes it any easier but it helps. And thanks for your advice.

[@TofuTeo]

Sending you love and support. You didn't deserve that. You mom clearly has issues and is deep in denial because she desperately needs to keep her positive/"perfect" self-concept intact.

[@davidwood321]

Hey Brendan, I am really sorry to her you mum did that to you. I realised in the last year my mum abused me too. I have not confronted her yet and I believe she will deny it. But I have not spoken to my family in about four years, I guess I cut them off because I will building to learnt the truth. Anyway, sexual abuse is an horrific thing. And I have found it difficult to find specific information about mums abusing their sons.

[@heatherhawley1816]

Thank you for sharing. I also know that I know that I know. No (or extremely vague, sporadic) memories and I don't know who but my gut tells me I do know. I am 40 years old, divorced, and have always struggled with intimacy. I refuse to get too close with anyone and even the thought of the smallest display of PDA makes me sick to my stomach. Yeah, something is definitely there. Thank you for sharing! You've helped me a lot!

[@ljo0605]

Thanks for posting this. On the beginning of my journey and it helps to hear other's stories and be validated.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Laura, thanks so much. I wish you all of the best in your journey.

[@belove9]

I'm so sorry for all the pain and suffering you have experienced. I had a very similar situation happen to me. I still can't remember the majority of my childhood or adulthood. Not long after a near death experience, God told me what happened to me as a child. I was told that the traumatic memories were erased because my heart was so pure and I couldn't of handled it. I believe the most difficult part of it all for me was telling my mom and she didn't believe me. She even had the nerve to ask my father while I was on the phone with her if it was true and he told her I was lying. My soul has always known something terrible happened to me as a child. Not having the people in my life believe me is a hard pill for me to swallow. Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story to help others like me. I'm sending you healing energy, love and light!

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thanks so much for your encouragement and kind words. I'm so sorry you were also sexually abused by your father. I wish you all of the best in your recovery. While the abuse is horrible to live with, having the opportunity to connect to other survivors is wonderful gift.

[@cloudniine9]

🙏💛 I am so sorry this happen to you & I hope that you are healing. Sometimes I wonder if it’s best that we don’t have those memories.

[@BD-ws2xw]

Im so sorry you went thru that, I think the only validation you need is your own. Perpetrators won’t take responsibility they will only blame the survivor. Sadly happens a lot more than people realize. I too had a similar experience. it’s hard to grasp and had several panick attacks when I came to the realization that my mother was part of it. It’s so disappointing but when we become parents we realize just how much of our childhood was abusive. It’s so sad

[@nmc1859]

I think I'm in a similar situation. I don't remember much childhood at all. Very traumatic

[@christinekocher2585]

That is almost more painful than my mom would rather live with a pedofile than her own daughter!

[@avrym6379]

I know this was long ago, but thank you so much for recording this and sharing your story with the world. I’m in the beginning stages of uncovering possible sexual abuse memories and it’s so horrifying. I relate so deeply with many things you talk about. The nightly panic attacks. The depression getting worse. I’ve been unpacking this with a therapist but feel like I need more help. I’m going to look into EMDR. It seems so scary but hopefully it’ll be a gateway to getting better.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Hi. Thanks for your comments. I'm doing very well these days. I ended up doing some additional EMDR earlier this year and I've never felt better. It is a frightening process much of the time, but you aren't alone. Working on your recovery is the path to feeling better. I wish you all of the best.

[@patbest7057]

Thankyou for your words I'm a survivor since 1964 still PTSD regards from australia

[@theKtrip]

Thank you for sharing. Made me feel less alone.

[@lolobugg6565]

You are a badass :) Thanks for sharing your story I've been through something similar and you really helped validate what I'm going through. It's been three years now, I was sexually abused and trafficked and I'm emerging out the other end of the recovery as well. Yes the PTSD was horrible and as you said life became not worth living during that period of torture, but I was lucky to have my close friends keeping me afloat during that time. Thanks for what you've done here, you're really helping by sharing your story.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Lolo, I am so sorry that happened to you. The issue of human trafficking is really under recognized, I believe. Thank you for your kind words. Helping others helps me. I was diagnosed 5 years ago and I'm in a much better state of mind after time, and a whole bunch of work on my recovery. I wish you all of the best in your recovery.

[@rachelzuniga5300]

Thank you for sharing. I’ve been having body sensations of molested for 5 years. The possible abuse was a childhood friend of my father that came to stay with my family after getting out of prison. The sensation come and his face pops up. I’m pretty sure

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm sorry you were also hurt in this way. The body sensations are so awful and for me, because I don't have the visuals and other memory parts, I constantly question in my head if it really happened. Yet, it is this type of body memory that specifically occurs with childhood sexual abuse. I've invested a great deal of time and effort into my recovery and I'm feeling very well most of the time now.

[@heatherwylde]

I relate to a lot of your story. I’m working on coming out of denial myself. Thank you for your bravery and I’m cheering you on!

[@alatea4068]

Thank you for sharing your story. My experience is pretty much the same, it is exactly two years now since I got back in touch with memories of the early childhood abuse that I suffered. I got them back through flashbacks and body sensations (pain), and I guess that, apart from my childhood, these were the worst two years of my life. I am 44, btw. Prior to that, I had two more years of struggling, but not realizing what I struggled with. In the last four years, it took me two times CBT therapy, every time in duration of 6 months, and a lot of self-reflection and writing to achieve some progress and connection to myself. However, flashbacks became worse in late September and October this year, and that is when I found a really good EMDR therapist. I am still on my way, but the good therapeutic alliance and the EMDR helped me get out of a deep dissociation that accompanied me all four years. I can still feel it lingering in me somewhere, as it was a coping mechanism that I relied on a lot throughout my life, but I am at a much better place rn. I absolutely agree with you that having a hard time with the consequences of something as awful as childhood sexual abuse should not be a topic to avoid. I mean, I do not go around talking about it, and I do not let it define me, but I do not hide the problems that I have had in the last four years, that were all due to trauma. With close people I did share what happened to me, and with others I usually say trauma, if they ask. The thing is, I do not feel the compulsion to hide it any more, as I did for such a long time. People feel uncomfortable talking about it, but the secrecy and the denial of it is part of the problem. We are survivors and we have nothing to be ashamed of, as the shame and responsibility should be placed where they belong - with the perpetrators. I wish you all the best, we are all valid and deserving of a good life and of peace in our body and our mind. Take care, A.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Alatea, I'm so sorry you had to go through issues similar to mine. Thanks for sharing so much of your own story and also for encouraging survivors to speak out. I wish you all of the best in your recovery.

[@and1divine547]

This has given me chills when you said about the door my whole body is tingling I don’t know what’s happening

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Hey, I try to reply to each post. I wish I was an expert on understanding when trauma is reignited from the past. If you start to have symptoms, thoughts that concern you, or anything else that worries you, reach out and talk to someone you trust.

[@and1divine547]

@@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637 do you know what I is I used to have psychosis so nobody believes me even though that was over a year ago

[@Methrahessi]

Thank you so much. There is so little out there about the experience of the process of remembering. This is very validating. And frightening.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thank you for commenting. I made the videos because there's so little out there. I am not all that comfortable being on camera. The return of memories is really tough. EMDR helped me most in recovering. I'm doing very well now.

[@jasminesessions109]

I went through (still going through) this and when I told my mother she said and I quote ,” yeah that makes a lot of sense I figured.” There were at least two or more people known for it and she saw and ignored the warning signs. I was floored

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this type of abuse. It is especially painful to have a family member minimize it in the way your mom did. I hope you have found a good support system and counseling. Working on healing has done wonders for me.

[@nmc1859]

Very uncaring of her.

[@persevere6326]

Her experience…. As I get older, am finding out is common. The difference is that most escape rather than confront, when this occurrence happens. Through alcohol, porn, etc.

[@Star-Stare]

Im sorry this Happened to you. You're Amazing...

[@cloudniine9]

I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. A couple years ago I began having nightmares… I’ve always wondered if something happen because I was doing things that a 4/5 year old shouldn’t have known about. I always felt shame & was overly insecure of my body… I feel uncomfortable when men look at me, and I’m starting to understand there’s a reason behind it. I suspect something happen but I have no memory of it. I noticed I have certain triggers when these topics get brought up. I’ve talked about this with only select people and when I do, I panic..I shake uncontrollably & hyperventilate. Due to the way my body reacts when I try to remember, I’ve tried to push this all away and forget, but I can’t. I just want clarity so I can move on. You have helped me. Thank you for your transparency. God bless you 🤍

[@mbkornfeld3401]

Thank you for being brave enough to share. I am at the beginning of my journey through the nightmare of incest awareness.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm sorry to hear that you are also a survivor. It has been 5 years now since my diagnosis. I wish you all of the best in your recovery. If there is a topic or area that would be helpful for me to discuss in a video, let me know. Thanks for the feedback.

[@TheEvelyn1971]

I am going through exactly what you were talking about. I’m not going crazy, this video has helped me so much, thank you I don’t feel so lonely anymore.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm sorry you are going through this too. It is really tough, but after 8 years of recovery now, I'm feeling better than ever. Hang in there and keep trying different approaches until you find what works for you. Thanks for commenting. When I made these videos, I did it because there weren't enough of them by people who have had the experience of having memories return. I'm so glad it helped you in some way. I wish you the best in your recovery.

[@AlizaeMontano]

I don’t even need to think about the body sensations. I feel them to this day…. But my memory is foggy. I struggle with it.. my mind tells me It could have been a dream.. I know some details, I was 6 when it could have occurred… herapy sounds like a good way to go. Thank you.!

[@AlizaeMontano]

Therapy **

[@rollin-with-Joel]

I'm going to be starting EMDR therapy in a few weeks to sort out what's behind the closed doors in my mind. I'm really looking forward to it!. I want and need to find some answers so I can have some closure with the ugly areas of my childhood. Unfortunately, out of the handful of times of violations I endured where I barely remember anything, there will probably be no one to hold accountable. My abusers were babysitters and caretakers and I have no remembrance of any names. My wife's a little scared of me doing it but I told her I HAVE to find out the answers to all my blurry questions. Plus, I truly feel it will help me exorcise all or most of the demons that I need to put to rest after all of these years. I'm saddened that I denied my "truth" for 45+ years instead of getting proper help to be a better person. I told my newest therapist that there are people I have known that have probably already met their maker and passed on thinking JMM was quite the mean asshole. I wasn't born a monster, I was created.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I wish you all of the best. If you need to go slower or get overwhelmed, speak up. That's the one thing I would have done differently. I hope it works as well for you as it did for me. Huge improvement.

[@rollin-with-Joel]

@@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637 I will. I might have been adding to my post when you responded. I accidentally hit the send button instead of new line but I felt compelled to go ahead and include what I originally intended so there would be some context.

[@hollylott3466]

So grateful for sharing your story. As a fellow survivor and going through my own repressed memories it has been a struggle. The fight with denial and confusion has been the hardest part. The journey of self trust and love is hard and you are a badass and so am I. Thank you thank you thank you

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thank you. I have been in recovery for seven years now and still need words of encouragement and validation. I'm continuing to make progress and can say that I'm now living my best life. I wish you the same.

[@thisshiningrose8929]

This was 5y ago, I juat wanted to say this information helps me feel validated. Last night i had a scary flashback, that I was a child and I know it was sexual assault of graphic form. (My older sister has a memory of this abuser raping her) It was horrible, like you described like its actually happening. I couldnt make it up. I dont have a therapist but my heavenly father is an amazing listener. Its only been 6y since i left my abuser, im actually only 17, but theres been a big change in my life and i feel very safe here. Maybe thats why? Thanks again and blessings :)

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with symptoms like mine. If you are safe and you have found support in your faith, you are in a place of strength. Don't hesitate to seek more help if you need it. I wish you all of the best in your healing.

[@nenasadie]

Thank you for this. I'm struggling now. I can't afford to believe it. I'm already so ill. But I have this one muddled memory that's hardly got any external physical details to it. And it makes me feel sick. And so many things are clicking into place. I can't do this as well. But I needed to see this video. I don't know. Thank you. I hope you've found some healing and peace in these last few years.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I have been in recovery for 7 years now and I've never felt better. It has been a long, hard process, but a fight well-worth fighting. If you are having challenges accessing mental healthcare, domestic violence/sexual assault local and national organizations may be able to help. I wish you the best in your recovery.

[@olyavmusic]

I really appreciate you putting your story on here. I am going through pretty much the same experience and you are the first person I have found that has a similar story.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Megankay, I'm so sorry you are dealing with trauma too. The inability to remember has been so difficult and the desire to not believe what I do remember is equally frustrating. It is odd, but being able to deal with the sadness, which I didn't really start to do until about 3 years after my symptoms started, has helped me grow in acceptance. I wish you all of the best in your healing.

[@davidwood321]

Thanks so much for making this video. A year ago, as a 48-year-old man, it essentially just came to me one day that my mother had sexually abused me. I have never had any memories, I think I was really young, pre-verbal. But I have processed some much since then and I have become convinced/aware she also tried to kill my by chocking me (maybe multiple times) and was generally really physically violent. It has seemed monstrous and pure evil. I can tell from what has come out of my body that I am very lucky to be alive and very lucky to have had somewhat of a functional life. But the fact it had happened explained EVERYTHING about my experience of life and how I have lived. Since then I have really never not believed it happened and always believed it was her. Well, my body believes it was her, I struggle to reconcile her ability to do it because when I was older, post five years old, she was very mild mannered. She was emotionally cold but also guess I had to make myself think she was much nicer and more loving than she really was. I do remember her rages from when I was about four years old, which was really was the crack that opened the door to me intellectually believing she was capable of it. You know, nice Catholic school teacher who went to mass EVERY Sunday. She was also quite passive, though maybe passive aggressive, and downtrodden. Cold in a way but really the opposite of menacing. I told my older sisters recently - I had not spoken to any of my family for about four years - and they believed me. I was shocked about that because, as I explained I have no memory. They said they were still trying to come to terms with how it was possible from the woman they know but still believed me. I think it says a lot about the dynamics and feel of our family that they believed it was possible. I still do struggle with being angry at my mother and holding her to account. And I also take on her feelings and want to protect her. I think that might also be affected by the level of covert incest in my family as well. And what if I am wrongly accusing her? I just need to remember what my body is telling me. And this video really helped have confidence in that. I have never spoken to or heard from people who knew they were abused but did not have memories. This week I have written her a letter telling her I know what she did and that I am as angry as hell. And describing exactly what it did to me and how it has felt and I have processed it in healing. How evil and terrifying and repulsive. And how it has almost killed me over and over again. I am also going to tell her she has the chance to admit it to me, and free herself before she dies. I don't think she will do that, but I also don't really need her to admit it. It would be nice but I know I will heal without it. I am confronting for the sake of my inner child. One other aspect I am struggling to reconcile is after spending more than 30 years extremely depressed from the age of 16, when I completely shut down being able to function, and seeing more than 30 mental health professionals, not one of them had ever even asked me about the possibility of this. Mostly, obviously, they told me I had "depression" and sometimes I had a chemical imbalance. And then I was diagnosed with "treatment resistant depression". The arrogance and ignorance of that diagnosis is breathtaking. So much of the mental health industry seems ludicrous to me; a bunch of people unconsciously trying to intellectualise things and make them biological, perhaps because they cannot bear to consider the own suffering in their own childhoods and to hold their parents to account. I love that I have found this video and all of these tragic, yet wonderful comments. It has all helped me in a really horrible day. Thank you all.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm so sorry for all that has happened to you. I have been in recovery now for almost 8 years and I am truly living my best life. I'm 58 now. Many of the issues I had prior to knowing that I was abused have resolved through therapy. EMDR was very helpful to me. I did more after making these videos and believe it can be done in a lower pain way. The final round pretty much eliminated my flashbacks, panic attacks, and eternal sadness. It is hard to explain, but I lived with an undercurrent of sadness for all of my life and now that undercurrent is neutral. I've come to accept that I have mixed emotions for my father, including love. Giving myself permission to just feel them and not pick one has been very helpful. Don't give up on recovery. You are clearly very bright, articulate, and compassionate. There's great beauty and joy to be found in healing and growing after trauma.

[@davidwood321]

@@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637 Hey, thanks for your wonderful compassion. I hope I can give some that to others one day too. I relate to the undercurrent of sadness, that has been my life too, as well as terror. I have tried EMDR and it played a part however I found when it became deeper showing emotion to another was too hard because of my smashed attachment and I intuitively sensed I had to go off by myself and have to pain just with me and my inner child. And I have done that with the help of psychedelics, which really have been the only way I have found to allow my defences to drop and allow some protection from how painful the release is. Once again thanks for sharing you story in these videos, and your encouragement, all these years after you post them. It has been an amazing help to me.

[@rachelzuniga5300]

You are a beautiful soul 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼thank you for sharing. This is helping me so much.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thank you so much for saying this. Helping people through my videos is very healing for me.

[@jama8525]

Thank you for sharing. I’m going through the same thing right now. It’s been earth shattering! It’s nice to know that I’m not crazy or alone. Hang in there, badass.

[@headzox]

You are so strong and so brave for sharing your story. Thank you and I really wish you all the best in your journey ❤

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I wish you all the best as well.

[@karendarling1]

Hello Pam, You are a badass, Thanks for sharing your story !!!

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Hi Karen. Thanks so much.

[@Tpry]

It is better not to remember the horror.

[@im_saved_by_grace]

You gotta feel to heal without psychotropics

[@channel5able]

Thank you for helping me.

[@catalinamartinez5634]

When I opened up to my family about my flash backs they secretly recorded me and delivers the message to the abuser and now I've had to cut off all of my family, after being physically attacked and the abuser is a complete narcissist and was able to make them believe that I am crazy and it is just terrible. I am thinking about making a KZbin channel about my past abuse and on this topic and my flash backs and everything. Thank you for sharing!

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Hugs to you. My abuser was a narcissist too and denied he did it. Best of luck to you.

[@TofuTeo]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Sending you lots of love and care. Please be kind and gentle with yourself during this time, and take very good care of yourself

[@Perfumegod]

I am going through this right now. Suppressed memories started coming back in random flashback, I have no idea what to do about it.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Sulia, I'm so sorry. The book "The Courage to Heal" is considered "the book" for survivors. Finding a therapist can also be helpful. If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

[@patbest7057]

So sorry same with me since 1964 and ever since only know support networks vital regards from Australia and best wishes

[@hannu3911]

TTT talk tears time

[@coralecho2485]

You are amazing!! Thank you so much for sharing your story, it helped me a lot to hear it

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Hey, thanks so much. Being able to help others through my own pain helps me find meaning in what happened. My memories started to come back a little more than 5 years ago. I'm doing so much better. Focusing on recovery is well worth it.

[@londonlynn985]

Thank you 💜

[@tvbot1984]

I’ve been having reoccurring dreams. Started simple 12(+) years ago. The other night was very vivid and scary. I’m in tears thinking of it now. Idk what to do next.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm sorry you are struggling. It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist or counselor. I've been in recovery now for six years and I've never been better. I wish you all of the best.

[@mariareginarosaria8927]

Thank You!

[@be83]

Thanks for sharing this. I have recovered memories and at first I felt crazy, in denial and surely this is wrong. This helps a lot. Very brave to share. Thank you again

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thank you. I still struggle with denial too. Thanks for sharing. It helps me too. Best wishes to you in your recovery.

[@arielludvigsen7833]

@@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637yuu😊

[@marp6487]

Thank you for sharing this.

[@freestylelaila]

Thanks for your help. ♥

[@240iBMW]

My story is a little different. I have no memory of abuse, but the abuser themselves has admitted to it back when I was a kid. I was question over and over but could not provide any details to them because it’s completely gone for my memory. Although I can remember his house in great detail, I can’t remember anything else.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm sorry that happened to you. It is normal to not remember.

[@Amandsmckeown]

Thank you. Very similar experience. So so very similar...

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Amanda, thank you so much for sharing that. It has been 6 years now since the memories started returning and I still struggle to believe it all sometimes. It's reassuring and comforting to know you've had such a similar experience.

[@opiksa519]

Thank you.

[@michaelbennett5848]

Thank you so much. You are awesome.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thank you so much. I'm five and a half years into my recovery and I've made so much progress. There's hope for all of us.

[@DB-gs3we]

Thank you

[@dannymona2690]

Hey pam im sian and I am 15, I have always had two specific instances where I remeber almost like a live photo where it is a very short memory of someone touching me inappropriatly and I have always had this memory picture in my head I dont have any context to it and there is nothing eles my brain remebers not even what color the mattress sheets were, I just know it was in my bed. I have another one where it is dark and someones hand is over my mouth and it came with intence fear and the first time it resurfaced i had SOOOO much fear inside i was petrified of moving. I just like you have had a traumatic childhood from abuse by a narcisist, she is my mom. I tried to tell her knowing that she is a victim herself but she shut me down and said that if I ever brought it up again I will be kicked out of my house... I feel like I am either making this up or I am severly terrified of what is inside my mind. Only a year ago I started to remeber all of the physical abuse she put me though from 4-13. I don't know what to do and the thought that this has happened to me and I can't remember is terrifying. If you see this and have ANY advise at all that would litterally mean the world to me seeing that you are so brave and have such an amazing spirit thankyou for sharing with all of us thanks!

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Hi. I'm so sorry that you have suffered from abuse. Are you currently being abused? Your safety right now is the most important thing. If you are in the US, you can reach out to someone -- a school counselor, a local agency for domestic violence -- and report what has happened. The outcome will likely be you will be removed from your mother's custody. If no other relative can take you in, you will be put in foster care. I know this is a very hard choice. You know your situation best. Trust your memories. I'm so sorry to say that, but it has been true for me. I wish you the best.

[@mobasshiraiqbulvlogs7933]

did you remember anything else after that incident?

[@FamilyHistoriandude]

I remember being touched when I was 11 and I remember describing it but I didn't say I was the person it happened to because I didn't want to get in trouble.

[@missmagillicutty6721]

God bless you🙏😇🥰

[@KristianFaux]

yeah I have no memory of my childhood like up until 13. I was such a crazy teenager who got into drugs and reckless behaviors. I honestly never knew wtf was wrong with me ever. No recollection no thought. Then I met this guy and he brought to my attention certain things and idk it’s just like I woke up and something clicked. I currently have NO memory whatsoever but based on all the occurrence in my life and much more I know that is what happened. I get triggered or uncomfortable around my dad and I never understand but now Im Just completely disgusted I don’t need to remember to know something not right happened and I feel like such a coward being scared to ask or say stuff but all they do is deny it and call u crazy so yeah

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

My abuser was my father, and he claimed he didn't remember doing it. You aren't a coward because you don't want to ask. It is so overwhelming. It took me years to fully absorb it all. Know that you aren't alone. I wish you all of the best in your recovery.

[@KristianFaux]

@@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637 ❤️❤️❤️I did end up asking and I got attacked verbally and he was acting crazy and yelling at me

[@TofuTeo]

I do get triggered and uncomfortable around my dad too... especially with regards to my sexuality/feminity etc. But I don't know if it was him or his brother, or if anything happened to me at all. Zero memories here.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm sorry you are struggling@@TofuTeo . It is such a challenging situation to be in.

[@KristianFaux]

@@TofuTeo me too

[@medihakeskin]

i have similar symtomps. the worst part is, my abuser abused me in a very subtle (?) way, in blurred lines. i remember singular memories like he comments on my body sexually, his grabbing my boob and saying "oh her boobs started to grow". but 6 months ago, i've had flashbacks about him kissing and sucking my neck when i was around 5 to 8. i always felt disturbed when my neck is open and cover it with my hands and cover it with blankets at night. but after i started to remember those memories, i realize why i felt so terrified about my neck being open and also felt helpless, because when you say you sexually abused as a child people expect to hear something like rape. but what he did to me makes me feel disgusted. i disgusted my body. i relive those times he lay on me and runs his mouth through my neck, blowing his breathe to my neck and the sound he makes while doing it, sucking my neck for minutes just like that. when i told my mum about it, she said "it's the way of his loving, if he was an assaulter he would've done more than that" and that was the answer i was afraid of. i felt helpless, even thought i wish he did more so i could report and expose him, but now no one will believe me. but i can differ a loving kiss from his kissing and sucking ans breathing to my neck for minutes laying on me like playing some sort of fantasy on me. and he never kissed me on my cheek or forhead like a normal father, he never even used to hug me but suddenly became so full of love when it comes to sticking his fucking head on my neck. i feel sick and helpless.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

First, I'm so sorry this is happening. No one has a right to touch you. Sucking on your neck is not appropriate. If you are a minor, you have some options. It may be helpful to reach out to your local domestic violence and sexual abuse agency to get some information and counseling. It sounds like what he is doing is sufficient to report to me, but I'm not an expert in this area. You have a right and obligation to protect yourself. My heart goes out to you.

[@amyzielinski1005]

My first abuser ive come to realize through recovered repressed memories was my mom.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

[@Profane283]

Thanks for your story. Make sure you trust your therapist. I saw someone do something similar to emdr to a person and they could own them. It is similar to hypnotism also or looks similar. Ambian and some other tranquilizers cause amnesia. Stun guns can also cause amnesia. Someone shot me with an electronic ray gun of some sort and I could not remember the event for over a year. Therapist tend to say things are false memory. In over 60 and just now starting to remember a lot of things. There are tranquilizers that vets use in aerosol form they can spray it in the room you are in and come back 15 min later and turn on a fan and do what ever they like. They can also spray it on a rag and force it on your mouth for 5 minutes or so.

[@TravelMamaAnnaVon]

Do you have links to th therapy that helped you remember? I don't have childhood memories and have been working on trying to get them back for a year now but still very murky. I don't know if I was sexually abused but there was other kinds of abuse and I shut all memories of both my parents out. Please share any methods anyone has to help recover memories

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I respect and know all too well your desire to get your memories back. I still only have about 10 percent of what I think I should have. Regaining memories is risky for a few reasons: memory isn't always accurate and recovering memories can be extremely upsetting and traumatizing. As a person who has survived with PTSD now for 8 years, I strongly encourage people to pursue memory recovery only to process those memories through eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy or a similar technique. Effort should be made to avoid getting into too much detail, but rather should focus on body sensations. Knowing the details has been the most painful thing I've had to work through in my life. I'm in my late 50s now. Work on relieving symptoms vs. answering all of the questions.

[@kingajuhasz7304]

Hey everyone, I know this is an old video but I was led here looking for answers.. I also suspect I was molested as a child, but I have no memories. I really want to recover them, where do I start..?

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Hi. It's Pam. I've been in recovery for seven years now and I'm doing well. I wish I had an answer for you. I understand how agonizing it is to not know. What cannot hurt is to focus on loving yourself as you would your own child. Be as forgiving and nurturing as you would be to your own child. This is part of selfcare. If you have PTSD symptoms or symptoms of depression, professional help is usually available. If there are memories you cannot remember, your mind is protecting you. I had to make peace with that part of myself.

[@kingajuhasz7304]

@@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637 thank you so much for your kind response! I think you might be right. I just really want to avoid damaging my own kids in any way.

[@HaydenSway]

So far 3min into the video and i feel exactly like that at the age 23 but don't know who my abusers mightve been

[@debarabian-looney3527]

I. Have a question for anyone that can answer this. I confronted my father years ago and he said he was sorry.E on a card with a dozen roses. I forgave him, but then after my parents divorce.He remarried and now claims that that never happened and is demanding me to give proof of a memory which I cannot because I only have flashbacks and I know he's my molester. I love. My father which sounds strange.And I would like to have a relationship with him.But he refuses to repent even though I never bring this app.He always does and wants me to believe that it was someone else not him. Any advice is appreciated

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Your father is abusing you. Your local agency for domestic violence and sexual assault may be able to help provide counseling and resources to you. You have some choices to make. Your father is a potential danger to any children he is alone with. In addition, the flashbacks you suffer from are a symptom of trauma and having him in your life and denying the abuse (my father did too) is not going to allow you to heal. I wish I could tell you that there are really good choices that are painless. There aren't. What is most important for you is your recovery from being molested, not your father's feelings. He's shown you twice now that he cannot be trusted and he will do things that hurt you.

[@jeffsellers7831]

I'm sorry you have such a hard time living a life in this beautiful world of the best place ever I think Maybe you should pray and get a new cat to clean up after you will be so happy to see a nice litter box and it will make your cat happy

[@TofuTeo]

If you don't mind me asking, what is at the root of denial? Is it because our perpetrators were good to us sometimes, so there's cognitive dissonance concerning the "good" parts of the relationship VS the horrors that happened? Almost like reality crumbles because they were a monster all along and had kept that lie hidden as they interacted with you normally? All the good memories being a lie? Thank you.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

These are great questions. You clearly have a lot of insight into this kind of sexual abuse. The denial is both simple and complicated and everything you've written above is likely part of why denial happens. The simple answer is that we don't want it to have happened. We don't want to be the victim, and in my case, because my father was my abuser, I didn't want him to have done that to me. It does feel like reality crumbled for me. It still does, seven years later. There is a great deal of cognitive dissonance. The person who I believed protected me instead harmed me more than any other person in my life, for his own pleasure. Just yesterday, I was thinking that trying to absorb who my father was, given the good and bad, is so impossibly big and mixed up that it is like trying to eat something you can't possibly consume at once, like an entire wedding cake. And, wheat makes me sick to my stomach, hah!

[@Backup-ds8pq]

How did you recover these memories? I want to know how to retrieve mine if it happened idk im 15 incant remember but i know something happen

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

I wish I had an answer for you. There's no way to retrieve memories that is safe and effective. It can occur during EMDR, but it is a byproduct of the process, which is designed to relieve symptoms. It is important to recognize that symptoms like flashbacks are memories. Getting the memories back can be overwhelming. It isn't all bad to have some memory loss.

[@theshulamite67]

How were you ever able to tell your therapist? I am really struggling, and I'm afraid to tell her what I remembered or I am afraid of what I remembered. I don't know which. Can you be in shock from a really horrific memory/flashback?

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

My therapist told me--I had a nightmare and told him about it. It was hard to tell about the nightmare and then he said that he thought it wasn't a nightmare, it was a flashback. I denied it for months. When I talked about the abuse, I'd lose my voice, and that continued on and off for a year. My voice would change into a weird squeaky sound. I realized at the start that my father, my abuser, owned all of the shame and guilt. Each time I had to talk about it, it got easier. When I started to have nightmares and flashbacks, I also began to develop other PTSD symptoms. Consider it this way when you are talking to your therapist: you are investing your time and the therapist is being paid for the time, so you might as well get as much out of the sessions as you can. If you have to write out what you want to say and give that to your therapist, that's fine. I've done that in the past.

[@adamstruthjourney1226]

I have a friend whose wife is possibly starting to remember childhood sexual abuse. He mentioned this to me asked what he should do. He clearly loves her and i am always hearing about her anxiety and panic attacks, and she even has many unexplainable health problems that i theoririze are linked to some early trauma. What advice can I give him to help support her and should he encourage her to seek help?

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

In my opinion, I'm not sure there's much advice you can give, but you can be there to listen to him. Therapy for both husband and wife might be helpful. Even if no trauma is involved, the symptoms you've described can be managed through therapy. I think my husband would have benefitted from some therapy while I was recovering.

[@freebie808]

😢

[@Brandi-P]

Hello, thank you for sharing. I am interested in this topic and this is the beginning of looking up information about this topic. With all due respect I had a hard time listening once I noticed how many times umm or uhh was said. I would like to share constructive feedback. I had the idea to make a drinking game of it on the 2nd video after watching the 1st one. I counted 133 times in this video with a margin of 10 for error. I ran out of my light beer freshly opened halfway through. I wanted to get another but didn’t want to lose track or have to pause. Yes, I have issues. I would suggest trying to limit these fillers because it will aid in the efficacy and strength of the message. I am interested in what you have to say, I simply found this distracting. The counting was what ended up being my focus trying to keep up with it. I would like to hear your future videos with this being noted. I’m proud of you for how far you have come. I don’t think I’ve commented on any KZbin videos and I watch them daily rather than other media in this juncture of my life. This if the hardest year of my life, however, resources like this have been instrumental in my growth. Again, please take this as positive as can be. Respectfully, Take care.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Hi. Thanks for the feedback. I know. Quite honestly, I was still shellshocked when I made that video. I had no business trying to talk about my experience. I thought I had made it out of Hell, but I'd only gotten about halfway out then. There is an issue called dissociation which occurs with trauma. I was in my mid-healing stage, and because I was still able to push what had happened away from myself in my brain, I thought I was ready. A year or two after I made this video, I finally started to feel the grief from what happened. My father was my abuser. My mother died and not too long after, my father died of suicide. Constant flashbacks, panic attacks and crushing depression forced me to take a long leave of absence from work. The thoughts of suicide returned again. After five months of sick leave, I had to retire and was very fortunate I could do so early. I am now seven years out in recovery, and for the first time this year, I got relief from my daily flashbacks through EMDR. Healing has continued to make an enormous difference in my life. Although I had to retire from my career, and thus far, am not ready to do anything with the master's degree I earned, my husband and I used the opportunity to travel. We are fulfilling bucket list stuff. Our relationship has never been better. I'm even working out 5 days a week. With the worst price I could imagine having to pay, I got a life I could have only dreamed about. I won't be making videos anytime in the foreseeable future. It is not helpful to my wellness. Hopefully, you've now also learned about how trauma impact comes through in the ability of the individual to talk about it. I'm writing now instead. We'll see what comes of it.

[@TofuTeo]

@@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637 I had no problems with the umms and uhhs, and in fact did not notice them at all. There was truly no issue there. I think this person was taking out their own personal baggage on you. Don't take it to heart!

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thanks@@TofuTeo . I did struggle with dissociation when I made that video. It is a really weird part of having PTSD. Thanks for standing up for me. When people criticize, I don't think they always appreciate how hard it is to talk about this stuff and the symptoms we deal with.

[@gachagirl9465]

Hi Sorry for your pain. Try reading the book How l Overcame Abuse my struggle to become whole after molestation and rape by Patricia Edwards-Burton its available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble also i Tunes.

[@sirsticka9113]

emdr.i got that.its help me

[@sirsticka9113]

so how you feel now

[@Abbyjustso]

I was only 4 😭😭😭

[@tom.jesussaves.]

🙏✌️

[@carolinegallegos_]

Hi would it be possible to speak privately? Do you have any social media I could inbox you on?

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

You can find me on facebook. My name is Pamela Van Houten.

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Hey -- I'm happy to connect with you -- see my message with my name. Would Facebook work?

[@josenavarrojr9000]

Who is your abuser can you tell me??

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

My father.

[@danaayalaillouz8826]

Hi I would love to talk to u ..

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

How might I be of help?

[@amy123at]

Again, what’s with the “ummms”? Love your videos but it gets annoying

[@birthofabadssmychildhoodse6637]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm dissociated. That's one of the PTSD symptoms I struggle with the most. I couldn't make these videos today because I'm not as dissociated from the trauma and the pain. The good news is that I'm doing better.