Autism and Sexual Trauma

This video contains sensitive material as we are addressing the topic of autism and sexual trauma. Please be mindful when watching this video and take appropriate action to regulate yourself while viewing (deep breaths, stimming, watching with a support person, etc.). Taylor Heaton is not a licensed medical professional nor therapist. Please seek appropriate medical care if you have experienced trauma and/or abuse.
From Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience: "Research indicates that sexual violence affects about 30% of women in the general population and between two to three times as much for autistic women."
This video explores possible reasons autistic people experience abuse and trauma more than the general population. Scroll down for timestamps to jump to a specific section. 👇
⛑️ TRAUMA/ABUSE RESOURCES
Texas Family Violence Program: 800-799-SAFE (7233)
Dating Abuse. Love is Respect. Phone: [phone], TTY: 1-866-331-8453, or Text LOVEIS TO 22522
Domestic Violence. National Domestic Violence Hotline. Phone: [phone]-SAFE (1-800-799-7233), TTY: 1-800-787-3224
Rape and Sexual Abuse. Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. Phone: [phone]-HOPE (1-800-656-4673)
The Trevor Project: 866-488-7386
UK National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 24/7 service: 0808 2000 247
Australia Support Services: www.respect.gov.au/services/
💜 Mom on the Spectrum Resources 💜
Download my 🟣 🟡 FREE Ultimate Guide to Understanding Autism 🟡 🟣 HERE 👉: taylorheaton.gumroad.com/l/au...
Online community events (webinars, classes): taylorheaton.as.me/schedule.php
Unstuck-ify Your Life: taylorheaton.gumroad.com/l/un...
📒 Meltdown Survival Guide: www.momonthespectrum.life/mel...
🗂 FREE Big Autistic Resource Guide (BARG): taylorheaton.gumroad.com/l/barg
🖥 Mom on the Spectrum website: www.momonthespectrum.life
More Mom on the Spectrum Videos: / momonthespectrum
Resources Cited in Video:
Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience: www.frontiersin.org/articles/...
American Psychological Association: www.apa.org/topics/trauma
💃⭐️ FIND ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA 🤠🎶
Instagram: / taylor_heaton_
Tiktok: / taylor_heaton_
⏰ TIMESTAMPS
0:38 How to care for yourself while watching this video
1:18 Stats on trauma within the autism community
2:41 Delayed processing
3:37 Social confusion
3:43 Understanding expectations
4:21 Naivete
5:08 Flirting
5:56 Being around gaslighting
7:53 Sensory overwhelm
9:40 Checking in with your body: guided exercise
11:31 The definition of trauma
📬 BUSINESS ADDRESS:
Taylor Heaton
8901 Tehama Ridge Parkway, Suite 127
PMB 680
Fort Worth, TX 76177
📧 Business inquiries: [e-mail]
👏🏻 FREE 👏🏻 WAYS TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORT 🦾
🟥 SUBSCRIBE to the channel
🟧 LIKE the videos that are helpful to you
🟨 COMMENT in the comment section
🟩 Click the “bell” to be notified when I release new videos
DISCLAIMER: Taylor Heaton is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Please note that Taylor can’t take any responsibility for the results of your actions, nor any harm or damage you suffer as a result of the use, or non-use of the information available through her website, KZbin Channel, or social media accounts. Please use judgment and conduct due diligence before taking any action or implementing any plan or practice suggested or recommended by Taylor Heaton or Mom on the Spectrum. Please note that Taylor doesn't make any guarantees about the results of the information you may apply from her website, KZbin channel, and/or social media accounts. Taylor shares educational and informational resources that are intended to help you succeed in navigating life as an autistic adult. You nevertheless need to know that your outcome will be the result of your own efforts, your particular situation, and innumerable other circumstances beyond Taylor's knowledge and control. Taylor is an Amazon affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from affiliate links. Taylor is a Flare affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from Flare links.
🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿
You are a beautiful person worthy of love!
#actuallyautistic #momonthespectrum #autisticadult

[@GN315-pe6ul]

One risk not mentioned that could also put an autistic person at risk: situational mutism. I have gone situationally mute after I was already alone in a room with someone.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This is a great point! Thank you for sharing.

[@krenasolheim1594]

After 7+ years at Giarretto Insistute with my children, no one caught I was autistic after 20 years?

[@marshmallowweekly8575]

My doctor calls it partal non verbal

[@krenasolheim1594]

Oh, Is that what it's called? When I would get very scared I became mute, couldn't scream

[@FreePalestineEndZionism]

Happens to me as well

[@withheldformyprotection5518]

I was on the jury for a sexual assault case many years ago, where the victim was an autistic woman. I wish I had this information back then because it would have provided context for the testimony from the victim. Due to delayed processing and trauma, she didn’t realize she had been assaulted until she relayed the story to her friend and mother, who recognized it for what it was and contacted the authorities. She went non-verbal when she became overwhelmed by the events and was not even able to say “No”. I’m glad that my fellow jurors were able to see the events clearly, even though no one, including me, understood autism, and all voted to convict.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Oh wow yes I can see how this info would’ve been so helpful. I’m glad we can work together to help advance our understanding of how autism presents in our society. 💞

[@FreePalestineEndZionism]

Yes this happened to me as well. I needed authorities to explain to me that it was rape in order for me to understand it.

[@robertj6182]

I am a guy and can confirm this happens to males too. My childhood was repeated sexual abuse through the years. Also, attracting those who will harm you is all too real. I always feel like I don’t deserve better and that I’m lucky to have anyone at all. I’ve only recently considered that what makes me me is autism. Hopefully with that knowledge I can better manage my decisions for who I allow close to me and find a nice lady to share time with who likes my quirky self. Currently working on sorting myself out though. I hope everyone who reads this is doing well. Thank you Taylor, for sharing your thoughts.

[@lyndaward5179]

Look after your self and keep learning about autism it is not all negative you also have a special gift l hope you find that special person soon from Lynda

[@Victoriaward]

Sorry this happened to you Robert x

[@cynthiabrown5456]

I really think it sounds like you are on the path to finding a healthy relationship & a good person. I think we need higher standards, even though our instincts can sometimes be to lower them (or to make too many excuses for people who don't have much kindness in them). I didn't find the real thing until I made a pact with myself to go slower, really pay attention to the person's character & make sure she's my safe person. Thanks for sharing, because not enough people know how many guys go through this. I'm glad you still have so much love in you & I have no doubt you'll find something wonderful & healthy. Take care.

[@robertj6182]

I appreciate all the kind words. I have so much that I want to info dump right now, but I know I wouldn't be able to make a concise summary of what I have rolling in my thoughts. I am going to tangent a little though. I was abused at a very young age by a man who my mother was with at the time. SO much to tell about all that, but I digress. Ultimately, because of the abuse, I was just chalked up to problematic because of that, and I think it resulted in neglecting to see the actual issues that were present. In 4th grade I had the only teacher who I felt actually cared about my issues enough suggest seeking a neurological assessment. This was 30 something years ago, and I was diagnosed with and medicated for tourrettes syndrome. The medication tranquilized me, which eliminated the issues I was causing in the classroom, so that was good enough and I was kicked on down the line. I still had all sorts of issues. THe doses just kept increasing as I would resist the tranquilizing effect of the meds. I gained so much weight, and was shorter than everyone else already, so I was just short, fat and weird which was bully fodder galore. SOOO much I want to info dump, but I think that explains the point. Didn't I start this statement saying I wasn't going to do that, I doubted my ability to do so, then had to explain myself. Hmmm, I wonder what made that happen :) That inertia is powerful. I am seeking an adult diagnosis, and have an appointment set for next month. I am very excited and terrified. It feels like waves crashing against a jagged rocky cliffside happening in my chest and brain. I have always felt like I was different and anytime I have ever tried to open up about any of it to friends I am met with the absolute worst and most infuriating response..."You should't think/feel like that" AAARRRGHH!!!! The worst. Anyway, this was supposed to be a thank you for the ones who responded and well... I do appreciate all the kindness and understanding I have found in the Autistic community. I have never found such a collection of people who I can relate to and that understand my perspective of the world. I am honestly terrified that I will be told I am not autistic in this upcoming assessment and then I am just a rubbish human, reduced down to just things that happened to me and should just buck up and quit being , well, me. I am absolutely terrified of that. I feel like I found my home and people. I need the assessment to validate my belonging, and that is just how I feel about it. I have never had anyone here or in other Autistic communities ask me for my papers, HAHA. Okay, I am off the rails, so I will reign it in. Thanks all for reading my rant. I hope everyone is doing well; Happy Easter for all applicable attendees and a wonderful day for everyone. I will need to find someone who can endure all of that ^, haha.

[@cynthiabrown5456]

@@robertj6182 I tend to give a lot of information, too. You never know who might benefit from something you know or just from knowing they aren't alone in something tough. You've really been through a lot, and pre-diagnosis time is intense for everyone from what I've heard. Please don't be discouraged if something happens with the test, because first, assessors may not be up to date or good at their jobs (not to scare you, because you can also get a great one!). If you do the legitimate online tests (Embrace Autism is a good source) & as it sounds like... everything resonates with you in a way nothing else ever did & it clicks for you, self-diagnosis is legitimate for SO many reasons that there are entire videos about it here. If you don't agree with your assessor, you can just keep researching & see what you find. If in your own research, somehow you happened to come to a conclusion that you aren't autistic for some reason, it would still never, ever, ever mean you are a rubbish human being. If you have trouble in life, you aren't rubbish for that. Life is hard! So, be gentle with yourself. You seem like a kind person & if you can turn that kindness inwards as well, it helps some. :) Good luck with your assessment and take care!

[@kassidybenson1496]

You said things in this 15 min video that I have been needing to hear for 15 years. Thank you, Taylor.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re very welcome. I’m glad it was helpful.

[@CMotta-bn4cb]

i sooooo agree!!

[@itisdevonly]

Looking back on it, I feel like my naivety really played a part. I interpreted requests so literally (eg. "go back to my place for drinks"), I didn't understand the implications and social signaling. I didn't realize I was being interpreted as consenting with my behavior. I feel like a frog who agreed to get in the pot, without having a clue that the intention was to boil me. I thought my intentions were clear, because I had said what my limits were verbally in advance. I assumed I would be respected. I was so proud of myself, even, for asserting my boundaries, because even getting to where I could do that had taken so much work. And when it happened I felt so helpless, because I had tried to say no, both verbally and non-verbally, and it was ignored. Then I went into fawn mode and decided to just go along with it, rather than make a fuss. I "consented" to escalating things, because that felt easier than saying no. I didn't even realize I'd been assaulted until days or weeks later. The delayed processing was real.

[@bananewane1402]

I nearly ended up in that situation too, I went on a 1st date with this girl and she asked me if I wanted to go back to her apartment and I agreed thinking we were going to watch a movie or play with LEGO. Then she started sexually coming on to me and I froze up because I was suddenly overwhelmed and didn’t know whether I was into her that way or not, she literally just touched me knee and like my brain went white, but she could tell something was wrong and withdrew her hand and I explained and we went back outside. Girl could have locked me in and assaulted me tbh I was very stupid agreeing to go back there.

[@myconfusedmerriment]

“I feel like a frog who agreed to get in the pot, without having a clue that the intention was to boil me.” YEAH. That’s exactly it. I always assume that people mean what they say and give them the benefit of the doubt. Even when something feels a bit off, my very literal brain tells me “well, they SAID this, and it sounded like they meant it. I shouldn’t be so suspicious.”

[@lpenel]

This very much echoes my experience as well. Thanks for sharing.

[@melanytodd2929]

Thank you for addressing this. I was sexually abused, and swore a mighty oath that no such thing would happen to my child. Despite my best attempts, my son was abused at his (all boy's) high school. It was EXPLICITLY STATED that they say nothing to anyone. Especially, their moms. Its been well documented in a book by author Samantha Cowen, 'Brutal School Ties'. Thank God, we're both getting help now. Sending loads of love from South Africa 🇿🇦 ❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Goodness how heartbreaking. I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve both been through but glad you are finding ways to gain support. Sending love!

[@JonBrase]

Being out of touch with social norms can be an asset in this regard. I was abused by an older child around age 5, got fed up with it sooner rather than later, and just matter-of-factly went and "tattled" to my parents as if it were any other squabble between children. The magnitude of the response was, to say the least, somewhat greater than I'd expected, but it did effectively nip the problem in the bud, and just viewing it as a run of the mill childhood indignity, dealt with in the usual way, prevented it from being greatly traumatizing.

[@GrandmasFoodGarden]

Cool. My childhood experiences, in second grade, affected my relationships and activities with men throughout my adult years.

[@JonBrase]

Yeah, my best friend growing up was abused by the same kid and his brother before we even moved in, and harbored an incredible grudge against them years afterward. Those two families had restraining orders against each other, the whole nine yards. I never really interacted with the kids again (of course), but when I was old enough to understand what had happened, it was obvious enough that they'd themselves been abused (the kid that abused me was himself prepubescent, they lived with their grandparents, their mom sometimes visited, but I never saw their dad), and I eventually confirmed this in conversation with my parents, who remained on cordial terms with the grandparents.

[@babybirdhome]

This is a very interesting perspective. It makes me wonder how my own experience might’ve differed if I hadn’t been raised in a very religious community where even mentioning anything like that was considered a damnable sin. The church and our community was always very adamant that talking about that sort of thing was a sin, but not once did anyone ever mention what to do if someone else did anything to you that you didn’t want to be a part of. So my autistic self interpreted this to mean that under every circumstance except marriage, anything sexual was evil and should never be spoken of - so that’s what I did for over 30 years, along with all the psychological damage caused by handling it that way.

[@JonBrase]

@@babybirdhome I myself was raised in a fairly devout environment, but the abuse occurred (and I reported it) before anything of that nature had ever been discussed with me. Other mitigating factors were: 1) I would pick up *anything* for light reading, including my bible, so I knew Christian teaching on the matter from the source long before much was said to me about it (other than in the context of my own abuse). So I knew stuff like Deuteronomy 22:23-27. 2) I went to public school, so I had a bunch of very crass peers from elementary school on, and, as my relationships with my peers weren't great, they formed a counterexample for behavior. 3) My mom had some trauma of her own, so when I was taught not to talk about such things, a significant element of that was "it makes women uncomfortable". 4) Past puberty, you don't have to do much other than reside in a male brain and spend time in boys locker rooms to know how utterly flippant men can be about sex (and its potential consequences) if not explicitly trained otherwise. This puts a lot of the prohibitions on discussing sex in the context of "don't egg the other guys on, and don't discuss things that will encourage you to think with your nether bits", and reinforces point 2.

[@helion6884]

I've gotten the same feedback mistaking my attempts to be socially engaged in a genuine and positive way as flirting even when that kind of interaction is intentionaly not part of my intentions or interest.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yeah I totally understand that.

[@Catlily5]

I saw one study where some men seem to think that if a woman is talking to them beyond small talk that the woman is flirting. So if a conversation = flirting to many men then the only way to avoid "flirting" is to keep communication to a minimum.

[@AzzahTacoKitty]

Wow! I have never considered delayed processing and it's association with trauma. That really resonates. Thank you for sharing! Something I think I would add to your list: masking. Which to me is living life to a motto something like, "what does this person want me to behave like?" and then acting on those external cues before listening to your own body/heart/mind. So if someone wants to be intimate, you mask to be someone who also wants intimacy. But that mask may not actually reflect what you are comfortable with. Thank you for sharing, such an important conversation that we need to be talking about.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This is a great point and I hadn't thought of masking working this way in this scenario. Thanks for sharing it here!

[@caynidar6295]

There's also the element of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn theory and I suspect that autistic people may be especially likely to freeze or fawn during certain situations, as well as to intellectualize and abstract situations rather than engage with them emotionally, or at least to be able to fully understand what emotions they're feeling/had felt during a situation due to alexithymia and other reasons.

[@neridafarrer4633]

I have HUGE delayed processing. I am diagnosed with ASD2 and ADHD. I am only the last 10 or so yrs started processing and addressing my early sexual trauma and I'm 51. I was so vulnerable to sexual abuse due to my upbringing and autism. I believe my parents are both autistic (my dad knows he is and its starting to dawn on my mum) and they we're not good at communicating, keeping me safe, or teaching me boundaries. I was homeless at 16 and that when most of the multiple people abuses happened.

[@BuckEboo]

Thank you, Taylor, for being courageous by addressing this difficult topic. 💙

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're welcome. I hope it was helpful to you.

[@consuelonavarrohidalgo5334]

I was about to say the same. 😊.

[@vvvvv9041]

This video is a masterclass on how to approach an incredibly challenging and potentially triggering topic in a context where there may be a lot of vulnerability. I'm always impressed by the content on this channel and this still just blew me away, thank you so much Taylor.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This means a lot to me. Thank you very much for taking the time to share this with me, truly. 🙏🏼

[@GrandmasFoodGarden]

Very good post. As an adolescent/young adult, approximately 50 years ago, I had multiple trauma experiences and a doctor suggested I must have been doing something to cause them. I knew he was wrong, and am thankful that there is research to allow professionals to be more helpful to victims now. As to labels, that is big. One perpetrator was a 'friend,' or so I thought. I could put the words rape or attempted rape on other experiences, but it was over a year until there was enough healing to put that label in my mind on a supposed friend, as it was so hurtful, vs. just thinking that he tried to force me to do something I didn't want to do. Once I could see the stronger label for the incident, healing accellerated.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

It is strange how much labels can help. I’m sorry to hear of what you of what you’ve been through but glad you are finding your way through it. How awful that you were made to feel you were doing something to cause your own trauma.

[@StateofKait]

Taylor, you are just incredible, thank you for another fantastic video. I was r*ped when I was 18 by a self-defense trainer that my parents hired before sending me to college in New York. My Dad blamed it on me for not seeing the red flags, and I've always been confused about how I could've missed such obvious warning signs. It wasn't until getting my ASD diagnosis last week that it clicked. Of COURSE I didn't see the signs - I was an autistic teenager. This diagnosis has given me so much understanding about my life and I would never have looked into ASD without your channel. Thank you for the wonderful content you've been creating around this topic!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I'm so glad it was helpful to you and glad you're getting the support you need and deserve. Please continue to be kind and patient with yourself as you heal!

[@caseyj1144]

I also feel like we get groomed by abusers more easily even later in life. I take people at their word and believe in professional boundaries so medical professionals and healers easily cross boundaries while I’m just confused

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This is also a good point. Thanks for sharing.

[@lizziegreeneyes]

You are such a good and kind heart - I am so happy to have found you in my feed. Please keep shedding light on our community and helping us with your experiences and your kindness

[@MomontheSpectrum]

It’s an honor! Thank you for your feedback.

[@barbarawalker7122]

Amen to this! Taylor, you are such a gift to us!

[@profrainbow5707]

I was so hoping you would make this video. Unfortunately you cant really talk about sex and sexuality unless you bring up sexual trauma, especially in the Autistic community. That statistic was bone chilling. Why is this the world we live in? Anyways, thank you for addressing sexual trauma because it's often conveniently ignored in discussions on sex which makes me feel left out. You're the best as always!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're very welcome. Yes, the statistic is extremely upsetting. Glad we can have conversations like this, because they're so important! Thanks for your comment.

[@OldTimer1970]

Thank you. When our children become our guides. I mean that respectfully. I have a daughter the same age. Doesn't matter how old I get, I still feel like the child in the room.

[@jmh8510]

SO helpful! In the “events” for me the delayed response and the naivety explained it perfectly. I thought it was all me/my fault etc. just couldn’t read the situations at all, looking back now bc of ASD, which was just recently diagnosed. Grieving lots of things in my past now, but I oddly feel “better” knowing why-that it really wasn’t my choice or lapse of judgement or whatever. I think this video / info will help a lot of people❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💕

[@chrismaxwell1624]

I a guy had a really bad experience with woman that was very traumatizing. Stored that emotional pain in my jaw for years. It happens to men too. That whole processing at the time thing. I went into massive shut down for 4 days after where I could on sleep. End up losing 20lbs in 5 day from not eating much. Had such severe executive functioning.

[@zenmodeplease]

Thank you … atleast someone understands

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're very welcome. 🙏

[@melanytodd2929]

❤🙏

[@hannahwagner7483]

Guilt and shame have been such big parts of my journey healing from sexual abuse. Before having the label of autism I just felt like I wasn’t smart enough or I wasn’t quick enough or I was asking for it, hugely because of the delayed processing piece. The best advice I got in therapy was, before letting go of the guilt/shame/self-blame, the key is acknowledging those feelings and forgiving myself for the part I played in the abuse. Acknowledging that because I didn’t xyz this horrible thing happened, and then forgiving my younger self for whatever things I blamed myself for, and honestly it has been so healing and really allowed me to have much healthier anger because it’s directed at my uncle instead of at myself. Thank you for talking about the hard things. This video made me feel so seen and understood and not alone. ❤️

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This is so helpful. Thank you for sharing this here. I know many others will see it and benefit. 💓

[@sparks3603]

This was really nice and caring. I'm currently sorting thru 50 years of experience thru a new lens. And the stories I told myself are very different looking at it after a diagnosis. I thought I was ok and doing pretty good in life. But the memories of what was really going on/happened is traumatizing at best. I think we compartmentalize things and gas light ourselves to get thru life. Oh if I would have understood how truly vulnerable I was. Keep talking, you are doing generations a great service.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing some of your own experience here. You are not alone!

[@colleend80]

Thank you so much Taylor 💖💕 This video helped me understand why I experienced many sexual assaults and sexual harassment through my life starting at a very young age 😔

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through this Colleen. You are not alone 💞

[@colleend80]

@@MomontheSpectrum Thank you Taylor 🙏🏻 I can't tell you how much this means to me ❤️‍🩹

[@GayHimbo]

as a survivor myself, I never considered processing delay but that was def the case for me. this helps so much bc there are still times where I think it wasnt a big deal bc I didnt have a visceral reaction until much later, and by then I’d worry that I was blowing something small way out of proportion. even years later w full blown disabling ptsd, sometimes I still question whether I’m just exaggerating. and now I have a much stronger argument to combat that thought. thank you for making this ♡

[@melanytodd2929]

❤ Yes.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re very welcome. 💜

[@TransGuyShane]

My niece (who is 6) uses her fingers as birthday candles and blows them out to help her regulate her breathing if that helps anyone ❤️ She basically holds up all her fingers and one by one will breath in and slowly blow out each finger/candle and then puts that finger down. It's kind of like a kids way of doing ten breaths in and out ♡

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This is a great tip! Thanks for sharing.

[@MissBliss818]

I have to be honest and I hate to admit this, but when I was younger, like college age, if I went in for a hug and the person I'm with starts kissing me, I tend to kiss back and mimic their movement because I haven't processed what's happening yet. I've even taken it further than that without even thinking it's something I want or not. I'm asexual and although I don't get grossed out by sexual activity, I often would forget to relate sexual activity with being a sexual thing. I don't enjoy it, nor do I not enjoy it. There have been a few sexual situations I've been in where I would just go with the motions and haven't yet processed what was happening till it was over. But I never felt awful about it after, unless I was treated poorly. It just would happen and I haven't yet processed, "they're kissing me, why am I kissing back?!" Then I feel awkward that I gave them the wrong idea. Has anyone in the community ever related to something like this?

[@PatchworkDragon]

Not to that extent, but it makes complete sense to me. Like, "oh, this is what we're doing now. Ok" without having the time to consider whether you wanted to be doing that or not. It's not until later, when you're picking apart the events, that you realize that there were other options. My college experience included a handful of close calls because I did not realize that "watch a movie" had hidden subtext. (This was before Netflix, and long before "Netflix and chill.")

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes someone in the comments above mentioned this in terms of masking these behaviors in the moment because you think it's what's expected of you. Very interesting connection. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. It sounds like a very autistic tendency and I'm glad you are learning to understand this pattern! And thank you for bringing it into the light for the rest of us, many of whom are probably having light bulb moments reading your comment!

[@Catlily5]

I have done a little bit of this.

[@Killer_sans_Stabby]

My prayers of why the fuck I hate sex or get uncomfortable with sex. I am not alone 😭

[@neridafarrer4633]

I've been sexually abused A LOT up until the last 13 years, where I'm finally in a healthy relationship with another autistic person. I had it in childhood and a lot particularly when I was 16 and then stuck jn an abuse relationship for over 20 yrs.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I'm glad you are in a healthy relationship now and hope you continue to give yourself lots of grace and patience as you heal from old wounds.

[@marshmallowweekly8575]

What else is upsetting is every time that something bad would happen involving sex in a relationship I was in in the past would be the one to get in trouble with my mom but my ex's would say that they never got in trouble with their parents. I don't know why I was the only one to get in trouble when I was experimenting but at the same time I didn't really know I never liked that stuff

[@sarahdaviscc]

❤️ so beautifully and sensitively handled.

[@jeffreyhotchkiss9451]

Wow, six-plus decades and I never tried pillow-in-the-lap! Felt great, going to explore that idea some more.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

It’s the best! I’ve got a link to my favorite one in the description.

[@LinneaofBorealis]

Thank you. I just started therapy for my sexual trauma so this was good timing.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Sending healing vibes your way. I know that can be an intense process. 🙏

[@krenasolheim1594]

Boundaries are skewed for all victims of sexual abuse. I am doing good with this discussion, just had lots of therapy and research on subject. Let's all remember to breathe...

[@LaShumbraBates]

Thank you for this video. I had an incident many years ago that I was so confused about. I definitely didn't want it, but didn't know how where to place that incident in my head. I sort of figured it out a few years ago. I still sometimes doubt what it really was. 😔

[@barbarawalker7122]

Thank you for this! I've already done quite a bit of trauma work but two things spoke to me... Gaslighting, in context of sexual behaviors, but also in general. I'm nearly 60 and still trying to learn to trust my own thoughts and experiences. It's hard!! My experience is that gaslighting is rampant in all areas (not just sexual arenas.) And your comments about trauma at the end of the vidoo...I SO needed to hear that. I question myself regularly. It's like I have two brains...one that believes I was abused and one that says "It wasn't that bad." I have no overt memories of the abuse ("only" emotional responses) so I gaslight myself frequently. Taylor, I'm so thankful for all the research you do and for your confidence and love in sharing it with the world! We need you!!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I'm so glad it was helpful to you, Barbara. And yes, believe yourself. You're not overreacting! Our bodies remember, and we can trust our intuition. It's important to rebuild that trust. 💓

[@Alyssa-fo3tj]

I just wanted to say I really appreciate the way you explain all of your points and the very clear examples you give. I notice there are a lot of times when people talk about various autistic traits I'll think "No, I don't resonate with that, I don't think I experience that thing". And then I hear you explain the same trait or situation and because of the types of examples you give and the words you use I'll suddenly realize actually that's something I completely relate to and I'll start remembering all the different times I experienced whatever that thing is. It's very helpful and I'm grateful for the work you do here

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're very welcome. Thank you for the feedback! And I agree - it's so great to hear someone else put something into words you haven't had for yourself before. Super powerful!

[@Jas-zzz]

Thank you for making such a tuff subject kind of relaxing .💜😅I've wondered for decades why I have had such a hard time speaking up for myself it has helped knowing that in some instances it took years to just understand how an experience affected me and that it was a bad thing. By the way right before my appendix got taken out I was trying to commit myself to the mental health crisis center 🙄. I barely bump into something at times and feel like I'm going to pass out from pain. Man I am so glad to know why and not be so confused all the time

[@MomontheSpectrum]

So glad the info has been helpful to you!

[@majickalstar]

Thankyou Taylor, this mustve been a difficult video to make, but appreciated. Sometimes, it's good to know that we're not alone and there are people out there who do understand or at least care. Sending everyone virtual hugs and a reminder that you are never alone even when it may feel that way. I absolutely love this community, and im so glad i found your channel. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you! And I’m sending virtual hugs back your way. 💓

[@krenasolheim1594]

This is why i raised my children outside of family. My kids are able to recognize family disfunction.

[@gankie1956]

I recently found out I have autism after 33 years of not knowing... I have watched many of your videos and learned a TON about myself.... It's like you're me, and you know everything about me, that nobody else could possibly understand... You're literally the perfect human for me to be friends with... I'm sad because that's most likely an impossibility... I just wish I knew someone who I could relate to on this magnitude... My life has been changed drastically for the better knowing what I now know because of you...

[@vermilliongecko]

It took 21 years to admit to myself what happened to me. I have never told my family, my previous partners or even my closest friends. I have only told a couple of women, and that was only because they told me it had happened to them. This year is the 30th anniversary. There's no free face to face counselling for this in my area, and I can't afford private counselling. I've not been in a relationship for 20 years, and I wonder if my trauma is the reason. Maybe I just don't trust people.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I know admitting what you've been through can take a lot of vulnerability and courage. It makes sense that what you've been through could cause challenges in navigating current day relationships. I hope you find the support you need. I have a free resource guide that might have some suggestions that could be helpful to you: www.momonthespectrum.life/the-big-autistic-resource-guide

[@vermilliongecko]

@@MomontheSpectrum Thankyou.

[@mikaeljacobsson1437]

There really is many ways to interpret and experience the world. And aspects of people journeys that is different than yours, even within then group that your in a way is a part of. Even if I have not experienced some stuff myself I know that there are things out there that others have to go through that just makes you sad and sometimes angry. My never wanting to fit in makes more and more sense for each year that passes. Its a world thats strange and has less things common with me than one would expect. So many things that puts you in a place where you need to distance yourself not to get insane. So many beautiful individuals out there trying to navigate around and through all these groups. Would be nice to make that journey safer and more pleasant for people.

[@suzannetunnicliffe2422]

Thank you, this video helped me sort of understand what happened wasn't my fault. It was 30 years + ago but I can still recall and emotionally feel it.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💞

[@KamillaMirabelle]

This was one of the really hard one to watch.. 😢 I do have had a bunch of therapy, but it stills sits deep within me.. it is so hard to have any kind of intimit relationship when you dont even know it is too much before afterwards.. 😢 I do call it trauma, even though I dont consider most of the times assaults.. it is so hard to blame anyone but yourself, when all they did was trying to accommodate you.. 🥺 here we talk about those who didn't try to push their view onto me.. ❤ As always to much over sharing 😅

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I'm sorry you've been through something like this. Sending lots of love and peace your way. 💓

[@KamillaMirabelle]

@@MomontheSpectrum i'll live.. ❤️ it does not define my life today 😘 as you, my work is helping others, working full time in a psykeward ❤️ i'm blessed that my autism mostly is a strength 💪 that it was different in my childhood and youth is another thing.. 🤔

[@user-xi7gz6sz4w]

That statistic is alarming. It's good to inform people of it.

[@CalvinMadeley-xr1fn]

Thank you for this, it seemed like it was a hard video for you to do and you are appreciated, my partner is autistic, and is unfortunately part of that shitty statistic so this really helps me to understand what she has been through.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're very welcome. thanks for your comment.

[@CalvinMadeley-xr1fn]

@@MomontheSpectrum one question though if you would indulge me, from time to time my partner will get triggered in specific situations and locations and I don't think she is consciously aware that they are triggering prior to interacting with them so we can't just avoid them like we normally would, is there anything that I can do to support my partner through these instances when they unexpectedly occur?

[@susanscott7507]

I am one of the 9. I am healing what was done to me so very many years ago. What I once thought was impossible, is now probable: healing. Breathwork was one of the most important aspects. Thank you, Taylor for speaking and speaking loudly. Not only that, thank you for introducing one of the most important aspects of the healing process- regulating via breathwork. Thank you for taking up the mantle of leadership and educating us all about such a difficult and important topic.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're very welcome. It is frustrating and empowering that breathing is so powerful! How can something so simple be so transformative? But it's true. Breathing through those scary places can be incredibly healing. So glad you're finding much deserved freedom.

[@AvaRavenElbereth]

Thank you 🩷

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome 🙏🏼

[@vivianstewart7523]

Thank you, Taylor! Although, I've have plenty of "Me Too" moments in my 66 years, the thing that bothers me the most was verbal. A very famous theatre director turned to me during technical rehearsals and said with the most violent tone of voice, "You know, I could split you right in half." Never touched me, thank goodness. I never said anything to the theatre artistic director because it was so odd, not a hint of anything from him previously, that it was hard for me to believe it really happened. Every time we have sexual harassment classes now at work I make it a point to say thank you afterward to the presenter. It not only tells abusers to back off, it gives us 'permission' to say something. Since I am older, I've had a lifetime of trying to figure out how to handle these situations.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Wow, I can only imagine how upsetting that would be to hear. Thank you for sharing your story here. And great point about how important it is to know we can say something back.

[@jeffreyhotchkiss9451]

Haha yes to the earthquake analogy. My first month in San Francisco, I went to the city library and checked out a book on earthquakes, to inform myself of how the ground under my feet was likely going to behave while I was living there. Very helpful, actually.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

That sounds so autistic and I love it. 😄

[@AutisticDutchie]

Thank you for this video. I have been searching for a video on this topic daily since I got my diagnosis 10 days ago. My assessor told me these things happened to me because of my autism, so I was hoping to find more information on the topic. I have been listening to this video on repeat for about 8 hours now. Your words are speaking to me and helping me. Thank you for the breathing practice too.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're very welcome. I'm glad this video is helpful to you and appreciate your comment. Sending love and healing vibes your way. 💓

[@passaggioalivello]

Thank you, thank you, and thank you for this topic. I'm a statistic.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

🙏🏼🫶🏻💞

[@KarenDUlrich]

This is a very well done video and needs a lot more air time.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you.

[@cynthiabrown5456]

This is a really brave video, Taylor. I'm sure it resonates with a lot of us. (trigger warning, but some things that helped me get out of the cycle of assaults when I was a single lady & most vulnerable). It helped me at some point to make some extremely strict rules for myself to help me make sure I stay safe. It is NEVER, EVER someone's fault. It was never my fault. But, I did realize some thing that were natural to me were the opposite of safe. These are all weird rules to me, being saying no should be all it takes. & I generally am able to. But that isn't all it takes. You can say no & they just act like they don't hear or see you. So, it's easier to stay safe ahead of time. My rules were things like (with dating), no one comes to my home & I don't go in anyone's home or car until I know someone really well & have noticed demonstrated character with no red flags. Until then, no one buys me a drink or a meal or anything. Always wear a bra in mixed company, just in case they get the wrong idea.. No candles. No pajamas. Dancing can confuse people. Women are not always safer than men when it comes to sexual or physical violence. If you use the bathroom at a club, make sure no one is following you. Even if I think I'd rather go to a place alone, try to be open-minded about going with a person if I have one to go with. If someone tries to sext me & that's not where I'm at, that's the cue to go, not to try to understand where they are coming from or feel flattered that someone finds me attractive. My safety an sanity is more important than anyone's possibly hurt feelings over rejection. Maybe these are known things to some people, but they weren't to me. It helped me so much to not leave room in my head for debate. These were non-negotiable rules, so I stopped having to think in the moment. Weeded out a lot of people I didn't need in my life & finally ended up in a great marriage at the end of the day. The right person will prove themselves in time, without resentment.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you so much for sharing this here. Very important insight!

[@Catlily5]

Yes, I never go alone with a man until I know him very well. That way you can protect yourself from the type that takes advantage.

[@DerSim688]

I have a point to add here: Trauma can occur without the other part doing anything wrong. I am not saying abuse doesn’t happen and I am not trying to blame victims, all I am trying to say is that interactions between neurotypical and autistic persons often lead to misunderstandings, even if the neurotypical person has no ill intend, does his best to consider our feelings and emotions and so on. If you have the feeling this is the case, a talk with the person who caused the trauma (With a friend you trust or even better, a therapist, NEVER alone!) could be an option. At least for me, hearing a heartfelt apology and seeing that the other person regrets the harm they (unintentionally) caused, can go a huge way in healing trauma.

[@chrismaxwell1624]

This bring up point for me. If I'm suffering extreme executive functioning problems in autistic burn where I can't even feel my own emotions and woman takes advantage of that is that assault. I'm a guy but I know I was in no way able to consent at that time. In fact I didn't even want it. I was asleep.

[@thiccletics]

I’ll just say it- a lot of times ASD people attract NARCISSISTS! So watch TF out

[@ladyamalthea85]

Thank you. I really needed this. First assault as a child, definitely didn't understand then. Having a lot of flashbacks to trauma lately and this really helped me with processing.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're very welcome. Sending lots of love and healing vibes your way. 💓

[@Gwenx]

A big hug to all of us out there with any form of trauma

[@melanytodd2929]

God bless ❣🙏❤

[@magykmariposa9706]

This video is one of the most beautiful videos I have ever seen...this was a very delicate subject and you handled it with professionalism, empathy and you made it simple, well structured and with concrete tips and well explained information. I am a survivor of many years of sexual violence. I do not identify as Autistic, but I do believe I am neurodiverse. I do identify with many elements you talk about. You made me cry as the content resonated with my experiences. You are a gift to this community and thank you for all that you do for us! ❤

[@olesiavydruchenko9419]

Thank you for this video! I cried a lot, but it was helpful❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I'm glad it was helpful, and you're welcome. Thanks for your comment.

[@whitneymason406]

Thank you for tackling this tough topic. Very important and much appreciated! 💞

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💞

[@rosathefoxgirl]

My experience was; I was a minor and a distant relative took advantage of me (my experience I'll say is a minor instance, in my opinion, never escalated into something extreme), I did quickly realized what was happening (after it happened like twice) was wrong and got them to stop but I kept my mouth shut, took at least 4 years to heal on my own before it didn't effect me mentally enough to where I could finally tell one of my parents, the rest of my family doesn't know and the parent I told, I will say is important to tell, is also most likely autistic and they have no way to get me the help I need but they're always there for me as support. It did leave a scar of trauma in my heart I wish would go away 😞

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through but glad you're taking steps toward healing. ❤‍🩹

[@rosathefoxgirl]

​@MomontheSpectrum thank you ❤ I just told my other parent and I'm feeling a lot better and on the path to be able to heal even more 🥹

[@julieosborne2948]

Such an important topic! Thank you 🙏 I was so naive and suffered due to this.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're welcome. 🙏

[@TransGuyShane]

Thank you for this video. at the end of February I had an experience with a guy that didn't go how I was expecting and it's been really messing with my head. I haven't spoken about it with anyone because I don't know if I just misunderstood the situation but this video has helped me understand abit better ❤️ At the end of the day, no means no , right? ❤❤ I hope everyone is doing okay after watching this video , I've got some more thinking to do but this video definitely helped ease my mind and made me realise I need to stop gaslighting myself and what happened was not my fault ❤️

[@MomontheSpectrum]

No means no, always. And you only need to say it once. It wasn't your fault. You can trust yourself and your intuition. 💞

[@TransGuyShane]

@@MomontheSpectrum thank you, It means alot ❤️ It's still messing with my head but I've been less angry at myself since your video ❤️ I think i just need to find the right space to talk about it and process it out loud. I know it's not gonna happen over night but it's a start in the right direction 😀 And I will definitely try and trust myself more ❤️ I hope you are okay 😀 ❤️

[@rainh2o958]

This was so good. I'm 60 yrs old and only recently realized that I'm very likely dealing with ASD/ADHD. I've been binge watching videos on the subject and it's been one confirmation after another explaining so much about why things have happened the way they have in my life. How I wish I had known many years ago...

[@GlitteryPegasus]

Thank you Taylor, for the video. I only got halfway through because I got extremely triggered. But, it was very, extremely validating, and gave me a lot of insight.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're very welcome. Please take good care of yourself and be kind/gentle in the healing process.

[@ninreck5121]

this was a really good video, I love how you included pauses to make sure we feel okay

[@marshmallowweekly8575]

I'm not very good with sex and I don't even really like hugs much except for from my husband. When I get hurt it actually feels really really painful compared to something minor even if it was something very small and I've also been messed with abusive wise by exes including 1 ex made me do a bunch of sexual things that I didn't know were bad and I got in trouble for it which caused lots of trauma for me. She also made me hide a bunch of evidence which was super embarrassing upsetting and dramatic honestly because my mother found it and we got in so much trouble specifically me cuz she was at home and didn't get even questioned once by my mother

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Goodness I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through all of this. It sounds very confusing and overwhelming. I’m sure there are a lot of feelings to sort through.

[@user-dc2pj8rp2y]

THANK YOU FOR ILLUMINATING SO BRIGHTLY ON THIS TOPIC! ❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're very welcome. 🙏

[@finnning]

Thank you for this video. I didn't even consider the delayed processing so far, not just in abusive situations but everywhere in my life, it really helps to be aware of that and maybe ask for more time to make decisions I thought I was fine with all my abuse by now but turns out I learned new things in this video that I need to work through now, so very important information, and I really love that you put those calming moments in as well, not just giving information but also making sure it doesn't overwhelm us too much

[@christinemay2573]

Thank you for this. ❤ i really appeciate the work you are doing. I have done a lot of work around this internally and this is even more validating and hit my heart very deep. I have healed and have given myself a lot of compassion for myself, but it is still always there. Thank you thank you thank you.

[@FreePalestineEndZionism]

Very good explaination. This helps me understand myself better. Thank you

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're welcome. Thank you for your comment.

[@kensears5099]

One evening, in the country I was living in at the time (in Eastern Europe), I was sitting at a sidewalk cafe, happily having my private little snack, waiting for nobody. I must have been in a certain 'state' that evening, though--fidgety, maybe my attention continally jerked this way and that by sensory input around me (now I understand this, I couldn't have then), and generally looking, to anybody who felt like observing me, as if I were nervous or feeling awkward. Suddenly this woman walks from another table right up to mine, sits down, takes my hand in hers and says, "She isn't worth it." Um...WHAT? I was totally cringed out but managed to be polite and ask her what she meant. "The woman you're waiting for, who stood you up, she's not worth it. You deserve better." Ratchet the cringe up strastospherically. I was completely horrified. Did I do something wrong, is it my fault I sent this woman that signal? Am I somehow indebted now to her for her care and solicitousness? Is it rude of me NOT to be in the state she believes I'm in and wants to save me from? Do I owe her an explanation for why I gave off the vibes she misread? Do I even comprehend myself what those vibes were? Or is this a scam? Does she do this all the time? Is she after money? Where's my wallet? Where's her other hand? Is it under the table? A million panicked thoughts go rushing through your cranium all at once at the speed of light. Thankfully I was at an age and sufficient presence of mind (I wouldn't have been 20 years earlier and it could have gone VERY badly) to pull my briefly disintegrating psyche back into coherence, realize just how absurd this was, and say to her politely but with a firm dry certainty, "Thank you, that's very nice of you, but actually I wasn't waiting for anybody at all. I intended to sit here alone and have my coffee."

[@its.Lora.]

Thank you, Taylor. Thank you.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome. 🩷

[@ComplicatedSimplicite]

I was going to say the same thing about flirting. I used to be accused of being a flirt when I was NOT flirting. I was just trying to be friendly 🤦‍♀️

[@raxitkaria]

Thanks a lot for this. It's an eye opener on lot of things which I now can make sense looking back.

[@radiantjw1]

This is really powerful. The part about empathy and having people take advantage of that is so on point for me. Unfortunately this happened within my own family where my father would do the gas lighting and I would be left wondering or doubting my own experiences. That was hard to deal with.

[@WONDERBOIY]

I hate it when I think "Oh, I'm in a relaxed place and state of mind" and then I realize 1.5 minutes in that I always forget how stressed this topic makes me

[@Mitsuna]

Thank you very very much for this video it is much appreciated

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You are very welcome

[@LeeLong]

Very good job with a very sensitive subject. I learned a lot. Thanks.

[@spritebug3666]

this video is incredible and very accurate to my experiences. thank you.

[@kensears5099]

Yes! My desperate attempts to be merely competent socially have at times been interpreted as flirting, to my utter mortification because I had no such intention, there was no such attraction there, and the whole concept is really yucky to me. At my old age now (66), plus because I'm much more aware now and, frankly, not all so motivated to "try" anymore (i.e., to match some illusory measure of social competence), this is no longer a problem. I'm very comfortable, finally, being the me I really am and not overcompensate for it anymore. So, no, no more cartoonish, awkward, dangerously misinterpretable attempts at being "social" anymore. I will talk as much as I need to, but there's simply NOBODY in the WORLD that I EVER need to impress anymore with the social flair I never really had to begin with. If it looks like I'm not entirely comfortable "chatting" and am saying only as much as absolutely necessary to be polite and that I'm quite happy being let off the hook so I can be silent...well, if it looks that, why not. That's actually what it is, so why shouldn't it look like that.

[@oliviamro7337]

Thank you ❤

[@nicoleroberts1826]

Yes, you are correct in regards to delay processing, i didn't mention what happened to me for 4 years, so when i first told someone, i was 13 when it happened again. Still took me a very long time to actually talk about it truthfully i wanted to forget what happened like i did during those 4 years when i didnt tell anyone cause honestly i kinda forgot, still dont know how, when i finally talked about it i was 19-20 years old so around a decade later and now 2 decades later im happy to report that ive come to peace with it. However, now im in fear of my child as i think they are on the spectrum and is different to me they are much more vulnerable than i was at that age so lets hope that this type of behaviour doesnt get repeated for a 3rd time, 3rd generation in this family🤞 Thank you also to the others people who commented because now you have also given me more things to look out for just in case😊

[@heedmydemands]

Thanks so much for making this. I've been afraid to even try to learn about consent and stuff because i was afraid of what it would mean and I didn't want to see myself as a victim or even like have a problem with the person about it. I thought about going to the library and asking the librarian to recommend books about it but i thought they'd assume something terrible.. so yeah thanks for getting me into the topic in a more painless way. U rock!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're very welcome. This resource might be helpful to you! amaze.org/

[@heedmydemands]

@@MomontheSpectrum ty

[@ubiquitousLeees]

Thank you so much, Taylor.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're very welcome. 🙏

[@jAnEl1111]

Thank You

[@stephaniegountanis4032]

So spot on.

[@myhumansuit]

So, I called the 'HOPE' one. "We don't have anyone available to ...", "That's going to take money...". Sorry, let me clarify...not where I live but 10 minutes away in another state. I was made to move because I was told I would get help here and there is absolutely zero help where I live. 😞

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I'm very sorry to hear this. Thank you for the feedback. Were you able to try any other resources listed? Please let me know if I can help by providing more resources in a specific area. You're welcome to email me [e-mail]

[@CMotta-bn4cb]

Thank you so much for this its such a blessing to me and my kids, they are diagnosed and i havent yet, we have been sexually abused and i didnt know how to process it, you explain it so perfectly, i have been going to therapy and she didnt even help me process like YOU, THANK YOU!! May GOD bless you so much and everyone tied to you in Jesus name! amen thank you my sister ily

[@roberttravers7587]

Great video!

[@dickottel]

Learning about asexuality was the best. I will never let anyone convince me to do any sexual activity ever again. It's such a relief that I don't have to force myself to have sex because it's "so awesome" and "everyone wants it". Not everyone, and we're ok and we can be virgins our whole life because we don't enjoy sex, not for any moral/religious reasons.

[@aileenrosalie]

Still working on my trauma but I'm doing pretty fine I guess. But I still get into panic mode when someones hand comes near my throat. Maybe that's one of the reasons I bite people when they get too close to that area 😅

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yeah that’s a pretty personal area! Definitely makes sense you’d be protective.

[@recoveringsoul755]

Delayed processing. I didn't realize something was an assault for weeks or sometimes years later. I was sitting at church one day and felt a hand on my back. I was sitting with other women and thought it was another woman just saying hi. I turned around to see who it was, and was taken aback and surprised that it was a man. I didn't trust this particular man, always avoided sitting next to him or hugging him or standing next to him at the end of the meeting when I knew we were all expected to hold hands. I didn't want to touch him, in other words He knew i was going through a bad divorce. I knew he was a dtug addict. This was a Celebrate Recovery meeting. My ex is an alcoholic. For background. I had learned one way an abuser spots a victim is our inability to accept a compliment. So i was trying really hard to just say thank you to compliments instead of denying them or dismissing them (because an abuser will give you a compliment and think now you OWE them in return). When i turned and saw a man had touched me, before i could say anything, he said "Your hair looks really nice. I wanted to see what it felt like". So the first part of that was a compliment and my brain told me to say thank you. But it really bothered me later and i couldn't quite figure out why. Hours later, days, weeks. I talked to other women about it. One of them told me that some people just need to touch things and acted like it was OK. But i was very uncomfortable about the whole event. Eventually i realized it was most definitely not ok. And it's a slippery slope. Whats next? You think my ass looks good do you just reach out and help yourself to grope me? My body is not a petting zoo. He had no right!! Sneaking up behind me, no consent. Knowing i was an abuse victim. Finally i confronted him at another meeting and as nicely as i could, told him that it made me very uncomfortable and please never touch me again like that. I spoke to him off to the side but in full view of others. He seemed ok with it and apologized But at the next meeting he was acting weird. So i sat next to him and asked if he was mad at me. And HE WAS!!! So apparently he felt entitled to just touch anyone he wanted to. There's something wrong with that. In my 20's my boyfriend would drag me to nightclubs and sometimes another guy behind me would start stroking my hair. People have been violating my personal space and helping themselves to my flesh for far too long No wonder i don't have an instant reaction

[@katzenbekloppt2412]

I don't want to talk about the sexuL violene I experienced, in the moment I am not able to deal with this. But I needed Your voice talking friendly because I don't feel well and am alone with it. In the moment it feels like the ND-community here on YT is my (mostly) safe space, in fact they are the only people to talk to. My mother was a very brutal and sadly also very clever and manipulative person. Nobody believed me what has happened and I had to run away. In our small town she was a teacher, (for primary and up to tenth class in Germany that was a pädagogic-focused study, different to teachers on a "Gymnasium" which allows to go to university after, there You study two things for teaching, like maths/physics or german/rnglish or whatever) had also studied biology for fun and later parallel to her fulltimejob she studied also psychology. Later she was the headmaster. It was a school where a lot of fostercare teen went to because the foster-home was nearby (it was a city with about 20000 citizens). So she was very familiar with the social workers at the youth agency. She was a wprkoholic, my parents met each other in Hamburg in the early seventies at a club for "high IQ-tested people", work, assiduiry and being succesful in an Akademie way was very important. Her friends were physics-proffessors expecting nobel-prize and people like that, later she was honory leader of the district cultural society, who give prizes to artist, organize exibitions, decide over money spent for cultural topics, etc. What I want to say: she was not rich, just higher middle class, but well-known and respected with an exzellent reputation. I had to learn that when I went to the local youth agency to get help. Nobody believed me, and also in my family, which was small anyway because I have no siblings, my father was much older and a refugee from latin america who had no contact to his family since flight (political change/torture). But my mother had a sister I loved very much and her son, my cousin was also only child, we grew up in different cities but like siblings. When I broke up contact with her about twenty years ago after she did something horrible again and threatened me not to see my son ever again, who was one year old that time and for the first time there alone for a visit over Sylvester, so that I as a young single-mum had some free-time to visit a friend, since that time I also lost my father, who I deeply loved and who was the only person I knew loved me, and also my aunt and cousin. My grandparents died early and didn't wanted me the "mixed" and my "foreigner"-father anyway. So the rest of the german family I don't know well. Also they are all not very educated, my mother was the first that went to higher school and university, she paid by working as a protestant lay nurse at a hospital. In the last years I first got a letter from court that my mother died on an accident (was not able to find out what happened, in the articles and obituaries in the local newspaper I found in the Internet it was just written she had an accident in the "domestic environment" and died some days later in hospital. I was informed only by the court three monts later because law says they have to send me the testament (which disinheritates me). I felt just sad that I am not sad like people normally should be to loose a mother. Who is normally someone who has loved You and You have also loved. By the way it was her fault I was first time violated by someone she decided I got to spend time with, she always denied but called me a whore. I was just sad for my dad, who didn't know all the things because I was so afraid he would kill hisself then as he had said "a man should do like his father did because of family honor was damaged". I always think I am the failure not to be strong enough to have Endprodukt how she treated me, to have deserted him. So I accepted to be outcasted and punished to stay alone. But to know he was alone now, hated me and that I was not allowed to care for him, while I was doing the same voluntary for older homeless people here in Berlin.broke my heart. I miissed him all the time sooo much, still miss him I want to die. Last year I got the letter he died some months after my mother. I have the "right" to get half of the money as only child by law, but not to get informed where he is buried or to get any memory-peace. I told my lawyer to offer the official community of joint heirs to go without any money (which is more then 150000 Euros and I am all life poor, have 1000 Euros monthly) just to get my complete childhood-pictures, an old pullover of him that smells like him and some worthless things. I was told I have no right and that a company emptied the house and everything is lost for me. It hurts so much! My life was very hard, but it feels like the last years had been the most painful and it is still not over, there is a very dirty legal act about the heritage, even if the law is very clear and my lawyer said she had never ever experienced something like that. They hate me so much. I am hated and not worth existing is what I am told by people I have loved or never had known. They don't tell me where the grave of my daddy is! I want to feel "no, they are not right" but it's hard to not think they must be right. This night I checked the Internet again how I often did. Watched with streetview the house of my aunt in very north-germany next to my grandmothers house where I spent a lot of my childhood and early teens. Put her name into startpage to find maybe new Photos and articöes about her or my cousin in local newspaper as I found sometimes before (she lived there all her life so there are reunions in church like "40th anniversary of confirmation' or things like that, my cousin works for district in youth work). Sp yesterday I found a obituary that she died at 20th of march, just after my birtday and will be buried at second of april. I am so sad. I knew that I was probably not able to see her ever again, but there was still a bit of hope. Now I definitly lost the only left person that ever cared for me. And I am not allowed to go to her funeral! I can't process those feelings right now. I don't feel good. I don't want to feel what I feel. My body hurts. I want to destroy something, but I can't move. And I feel so alone with it. I know nobody can come and hold me, and I am not able to read psychological advice now, so pleace don't offer now. But I needed to speak out to someone, and this community is the only place where I feel people understand and accept. And that's a lot.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. You deserve so much love and support. Sending you lots of love and healing vibes. Please be gentle and kind with yourself as you heal.

[@katzenbekloppt2412]

@@MomontheSpectrum Thank You. Mostly try not to think (and feel) about until it is over and I will have a bit money to afford better circumstances (moving to a nice and quiet place, hobbies, travel, etc), help. Yesterday I first went to the "autistic_af"-channel after Jenn mentioned it, coincidently the lifestream started and it was so much fun, I really had to laugh out loud several times. Fell asleep after two hours like after hard work and slept a whole night (!), guess also fun is a big emotion that can tire me, interesting. I know one can´t run away from bad feelings, but at the moment I need a bit "dark emotions"-holiday, and if it is only for hours.

[@stripey7303]

There's a big difference between calling something trauma and calling it abuse. Trauma simply describes your experience of something, whereas abuse implies blame against another person, when it may in fact have simply been a misunderstanding. This even happens between neurotypicals, and fairly often. It may be even more likely with the "dual empathy gap" between a neurotypical and an autist. Just because another person has a different version of what happened, that doesn't automatically mean you're being gaslit. In fact I had a traumatic experience when I was twenty, with the first person with whom I'd been intimate. Something she'd said subsequently made me morally uncomfortable with the idea of being intimate again, and so I asked her not to touch me. She agreed, yet later did so anyway without warning, which made me quite angry and led to my leaving her apartment. The feeling of trauma was because she'd broken an explicit promise to me.