When You Hate Your Friend's Partner | Chosen Family Podcast

[@bekcytalyor]

OMG also Ashley saying "do you want me to tell him to go kill himself, I have a pretty good track record of upsetting people" I SCREAMED genuinely 😂 that is the best ever joke to come from that situation

[@hi-yo1kq]

This ep has that feeling when you come back home from an amazing vacation and you’re exhausted

[@DarkRulerHaDes666]

Noticeable amount of 'sad Mak' meme potential here.

[@Sarah_sera_Sarah]

"He's a bag of pencils, that guy!" 😂❤

[@eyeseajujubee]

Alayna is so sweet. Crying because one cares about friends is so valid 💜 I love how Ashley was trying to support and cheer her up

[@farkroy]

Ashley is slowly becoming one of my favorite people ever.

[@spiderlinz]

ashley been the coolest fr

[@JoeyMushrooom]

she’s gonna say something like “what the fuck is that supposed to mean?! HAVE I NOT ALREADY BEEN YOUR FAVORITE?” and then something about “THIS IS WHY YOUR PARENTS WILL NEVER LOVE YOU”

[@spicy_clam]

slowly!!???

[@ashgavs]

@@JoeyMushrooom hhahahahahah

[@mileschannel925]

@@ashgavsyeah this confirms it lol

[@benjulesrun9057]

I can't believe alayna is personal friends with melania trump

[@Amy-wt7wq]

This took me out 😂

[@ttarotkidd]

I started crying when Alayna did awww

[@JuMixBoox]

I agree that a phone call feels better than a video call a lot of the time. I think it allows you to be less self conscious and focus on what you are actually talking about. That said, I'm also still guilty of scrolling on my phone during phone calls because I need something to see.

[@kaiya33123]

Happy Pride Month everybody🥰🥰❤️🧡💛💚💙🩵💜

[@Raddiebaddie]

🌈🌈🌈

[@ROCKONplaceboforever]

Happy pride 🏳️‍🌈❤️🙌

[@Soph-561]

Happy Pride 🌈🌈

[@icedoatm1lklatte]

happy pride month!!! 🤎🏳️‍🌈

[@alisontippett2618]

As someone who was in a bad relationship for a year and couldn’t see it until the end, thank you for the validation of how much these bad relationships can mess you up. I’ve now been single for over 8 years trying to unlearn all of the things I internalized that year.

[@finnregan5524]

Next time you're all together you should make one episode while cooking dinner and another episode while eating dinner

[@Shoot4AlarmFire]

No way could Alayna deal with the eating noises!

[@kerizella]

I'm sad to hear that Ashley isn't doing too well! Sending all the best vibes to you. You're the first queer creator I heard of and your comedy, queer content, dark humour and brutal honesty allowed me to get in touch with my truth and my identity. Your art is so important and so are you, I hope you feel better soon!

[@GraceAustin2]

Also, phone calls feel intimate for me since they can be in my ear (oof, best comfort from afar on a sleepless night) and also you are mostly focused on the one sense, instead of divided attention with face time. (In my opinion) but also, letters! I have given and been gifted letters in many ways but a stack of letters, tied with ribbon after months of being so low, for days like "when the world feels like it's ending", "when you need a smile", "when you need advice", "when you need to slow down", etc. Positive, warm letters for both low and high points. I got them when I was 19, am 29, and still have them (ribbon, too, haha).

[@MikaelaSelene]

To Ashley's point about facetime vs phone call, when I call and talk to my kids, we have much longer, more meaningful conversations on a regular phone call rather than on facetime. I think it's a real thing!

[@avat782]

The timing of the better help ad when alayna started overthinking was great

[@rtd1791]

Read this just as Better Help add came up

[@ravina6686]

On the phone thing. I’m divided, on one hand I need to hear tone to feel connected, but on the other hand, it’s easier to express complex thoughts over text which sometimes leads to deeper conversations that wouldn’t happen as naturally over the phone where you’re more likely to just say what comes to mind

[@ThatGirlShelbyy]

Ashley!! Sketchbag is very commonly used in Canada!! I'm Nova Scotian (opposite side of the country from Alayna) and we use it regularly! Super sketchy people and criminals are sketchbags 😂

[@hannahhowden8980]

As someone who’s 7yrs FREE of a bad relationship, it’s much easier said than done but I agree, get the heck out! Yeah it’s gonna be the most painful thing you’ll ever do but my god is it worth it

[@alexwhitelaw2003]

I love how you never start with the intro I expect one day you guys to end the pod with your intro😂

[@sharks540]

i was watching this podcast last year when i was first realizing i was queer and i decided to come back for this episode and i truly forgot how much i loved it. as a queer person w/out strong family relationships, it makes me so happy that you guys do this. thank you

[@ximepe88]

the better help app placement was just perfect

[@bekcytalyor]

Sorry I'm 13min in and this episode is PHENOMENAL - new Alayna emotions unlocked on the pod, from compassion, and heartfelt tears to rage and revenge, I LOVE IT, ASHLEY PLEASE HIRE THAT PI

[@margotm4874]

good morning from Italy! I love that this podcast comes out in the morning for me ahah

[@morganmitchellcreative]

Ashley at 7:20 is giving Kronk saying "Kuzco's poison"

[@sophiegracemusic]

Phone calls are scary though 🥲 I know Ashley will tell us to touch grass but the fear. Like they can hear your tone of voice. You have to control your responses. Then again I’m autistic so it’s probably that.

[@looc_96]

Honestly! The amount of "when is it my turn to speak?", "was that a joke? Should I laugh now?", "do I sound interested?" (bonus stress if you already have a monotonous voice), "oh god, I nodded instead of saying yes, but the moment has passed and now I'm going to be seen as rude" is exhausting! No way I can focus after all of that

[@coolsenjoyer]

I have nothing against phone calls but they're just almost completely unnecessary to me. If it's nothing too important, texting is way more convenient and if it's important, a phone call feels way too impersonal to me.

[@Louisyed]

Practice helps honestly. I used to hate the phone, now I prefer it.

[@briannacruz2816]

Today has been a great day! I just figured out I got into law school and a new episode of chosen family has come out!

[@mariannetfinches]

Congratulations! That's awesome

[@Raddiebaddie]

Great work!

[@homoromoacecase97]

Congratulations 🎉

[@ihlly6889]

I had forgotten what day today is so it was a really nice surprise to see a new episode and anyways point is thank you guys for existing

[@Bananakin501]

Ooof today's topic was one i related to in a weird way- I had a "friend" who WAS the partner we all didn't like. Recently burnt that bridge because of how controlling, manipulative and toxic SHE was. Only took 3 years to see her true colours. Man im tired.

[@shae113]

Oof! Yeah, we had a friend who had a terrible off/on relationship, then finally broke it off for good last September. It was shortly after that a mutual of us all (me, my friend and her ex), showed her true colors by sharing my friend's new phone number with the ex. That lead to the ex stalking and harassing my friend to this day. The mutual thought it was "inevitable" that the ex would get her number, so that was her justification. The part about that is only 4 people and the military had the new number, and 3 of us didn't talk to the ex. So, our friend got out of a toxic, abusive relationship and then we all found out how toxic our mutual was, too. We're pretty sure the mutual wants to sleep with the ex, but the ex is shallow so the mutual doesn't fit the "looks" he likes, plus he talks shit about her all the time. It is exhausting!

[@hi-yo1kq]

31:06 yessss when people text me when im feeling down it only makes it worse. I tend to just leave them on read because texting is just another task I’m overwhelmed with and then I feel guilty, so I tell myself I can’t do anything else before I text them back, but that just means I do nothing and ruin my life and it just keeps downhill from there. So plz just call

[@shishly]

Agree so much with Ashley about phone vs text /voice note/ face-time. If I have made plans with even my closest friends over text, I always confirm or just have a small phone call beforehand, just to feel more connected and sure of our vibe.

[@AceofSwords205]

For the topic of this episode, for me, one of the saddest things I see my friends do is to get into relationships that range from just crappy to toxic, JUST to be in a relationship at all.

[@Ghost.ie.l]

As a therapist I would prefer videocalls, because I use dialogue very much and it serves me the most to see the reactions of my patients or their expressions when telling me something, and been able to express in different ways, I think it depends on the therapist view and what the patient prefers

[@lucyferguson824]

On the anti-texting thing: everyone is different and connects in different ways! I appreciate phone calling can often be a good option but I don't buy into Ashley's "this is what works best for me so this is what's best for everyone in the world". My parents wrote letters to each other for years, later generations called on the phone for hours, sometimes i sit down and do nothing but text one friend for hours. Maybe we'll call! maybe we won't! It's a little patronising to hear "you don't know how to communicate because you were born after me so you're stupid"

[@graceblondell7320]

alayna’s little sweater vest is so cute

[@Raddiebaddie]

Dinner table: vegan soup to help maks tummy 😂

[@hellobell123]

When my friends and I FaceTime we totally put our phones down if we feel like it. There’s not an obligation to show face

[@theincredibleknuffibar4834]

I have to say, since I've had quite a fair share of people that my besties dated, that I absolutely despised, sooo I love you guys absolutely roasting the shit out of these shitty partners, gives me such a satisfaction

[@rtd1791]

My kid’s cat was hanging out with me while I watched this. I was the only one home so the cat had to hang out with me. She is the neediest cat I have ever known. She cannot be alone even when we have to use the restroom. If she can’t get in she yowls and sticks her paws under the door. She seems to believe evacuation is a group activity. I’m her least favorite. I think she knows I’m much more of a dog person. This is the first time she’s cuddled with me since we adopted her 8 months ago. It’s also the first time I’ve been able to pet a cat while watching this podcast. It was fun to be able to join in the feline love.

[@BayAreaBerk]

Happy Wednesday! I'm up and out of the House waaaaaaay to early but I'm taking my Chosen Family Podcast along to keep me company....

[@canadianicedragon2412]

Loving the cat cameos. I'm here for Fulton and the occasional Bugs appearance. Don't get me wrong I'd come for Julio too. The three humans are alright too I guess. Alayna: who's side are you on. Ashley: Well Fulton is a man Me: Ouch, I'm a guy and I trust Alayna's judgement. He is a sketch-bag. No doubt. To expand on Ashley's "answer" of be with them and get them doing things. I'd also include get them doing thing with different people. I.e. new friends that will be fresh not someone "we" used to hang out with. Even new people to try new things with. Let them "experience" life without their ex and realize there are other things out there. I'm not saying to match make, that can backfire hard, but going new places, to try new activities, with new people in small steps will get them back into the world and in the world is their next... attachment. Whether it is a new friend, a new teammate, new challenge, or a new date all those get you moving forward instead dwelling on the past. And yes Ashley, I will die alone. I'm not sure I recommend it, but it happens to some of us... many of us?

[@amanimacleod4496]

Woah! I’ve never been this early! I should go to bed 😂 love what you guys are doing with this podcast ❤️

[@vallentinac9513]

Team Texting forever and ever, it CAN be very connective it depends how you do it, to be present and focused you have to be present and focused it's not about the medium... (I'm a millenial btw so I lived through all of the things said about having to call etc.)

[@kapowjam3462]

During the "who we were talking about in the car" part I too thought "they don't like Ashley!" 😂😂 Also that first ad break right after Alayna started to worry about talking about this friend I thought Mak's part of the ad was what she was actually saying for a few words 😅

[@noirglor2256]

31:12 I'm the same way, I don't like talking on the phone when I'm going through it, but Ashley is right! We need more connection with others (introverted or not). It's in our biology.

[@tabitas.2719]

I would paraphrase/mirror their answers to my questions. I've had one situation where I asked this good friend whether they felt safe with him, etc. And would mirror back that there shouldn't be exceptions and their formulation of their answer made my red flag radar go up. So I gave my opinion, but tried to stay at a point of "based on what I hear from you", after making sure I'd understood their virtues and priorities etc. :D

[@elysel1804]

I just want to say that for me, because of my nurodiversity, I can't do phone calls if I really want to have a good conversation with them. I have issues with object permanence, especially with people, so if I can't see them, my brain freaks out, and I already worry all the time about what my face looks like, lol.

[@finn-kk4ug]

tbh i feel like face calling is better for connection because being able to see someone’s facial expressions feels more intimate. there are certain platforms like zoom where you can disable seeing your own face too

[@michaelanders3240]

Y'all are awesome. I am straight. Love listening to you all. From NC here.

[@MargoBTS]

But why do I feel so awkward on the phone!?!?! It’s sooo annoying! I’d rather be in person or send a text setting up a time to hang out irl! Even when I was young, I’m 32, I would just use the phone to see when my friends were available to hang out (it might’ve helped that most of my friends lived within walking distance). I really only talked with my family on the phone and still do.

[@claraboe2755]

Haha the way mak said she realised alayna was canadian! And i totally relate: when i saw ashley in person (not even on stage but afterwards at the merch signing) i suddenly realised how american she sounds! 😅

[@EmilyElementsASMR]

ok, I know that "accept that you'll die alone" is a joke but most of us really should work on the idea that we don't need a partner to enjoy or even thrive the rest of hour lives.

[@figleaf8948]

I also prefer people text me if I'm going through something hard. If people call me I feel like I'm being forced to perform. That being said I also don't want to have conversations about my emotions so that may be why

[@AriVirtual]

Love the phone conversation.

[@elissajo3671]

Thanks for being you guys

[@min_nad]

I needed this episode exactly one year ago!!!!! Thankfully, I'm out and better than ever but man, now my best friend is the one in the sticky situation

[@michaelanders3240]

It's about being a real friend. Not one that just gives platitudes.

[@spicy_clam]

LOL i am also canadian and say “sketch bag”

[@Bexbecgood]

I’m a married lesbian and it’s pretty bad. Too far gone to repair. Unfortunately our divorce won’t be amicable.. she’ll fight it because she wants to keep trying to make it work. I wish she’d leave me because then I’d just agree and we’d save alot of money. She’s isolated me.. belittled me and I’m not who I was. It’s pretty heartbreaking. Thank you guys for this podcast. It means a lot❤️

[@Alisonl9729]

Something with when your friend is in an unhealthy romantic relationship dynamic. It’s hard to know when you’re being supportive/there for your friend versus further enabling the situation. Of course you want to hold on to hope that the friend will build enough confidence and self esteem to leave the dynamic but after years of watching someone stay it gets hard to hold on to that.

[@u4f-x7b]

phones are better because you feel more anonymous. It's the same reason that all of our deepest darkest secrets come out in the dark at sleepovers. This is also why it's easier to divulge things when you're sitting next to someone instead of across from them. It feels less intimidating and you feel more comfortable.

[@youcouldntwriteit415]

Omg I’m normally so late to the show! Love you guys. Actually got me through having my leg amputated laughing my ass off at you guys xxx ❤

[@BayAreaBerk]

Strength & Love...

[@PracticallyDivineSage]

I’m my friend’s vibe check if I don’t like someone they keep that in the back of their heads. I never tell them oh don’t hang out or date someone unless my friend is actually getting hurt emotionally but after things blow up I always get asked HOW DID YOU KNOW 😂

[@ROCKONplaceboforever]

Get better mak and happy pride to you 3 amazing gays i love you thank you for always bringing a smile to my face and lifting my mood ❤🏳️‍🌈

[@jmrocket03]

Alayna is underselling her singing ability. Mennonites learn to harmonize early.

[@AbbeyStrawberryJam]

Ashley's Cat!!!!! So cute!!!!!!

[@12monkies123]

Also from Canada, can attest “sketch bag” is in common use here lol

[@rtd1791]

In the US scumbag is more common.

[@nhaedzwero43]

As a chosen-family and whgs listener, I feel internally conflicted on how much of a piece of shit I am.

[@aidathegreat]

Definitely not true for everyone on FaceTime vs phone call. I have a harder time paying attention when I’m on the phone. When I know someone is looking at me and can see what I’m doing, I’m paying more attention. They can see my reactions so my reactions matter. Plus, on a phone call I never have my phone on my ear. My hands are free. It’s easier to do other things when I know I’m not being watched.

[@madisonchristine2848]

Hell yes to Anger!! It can be the most important boundary we set with a lot of sick fucks out there these days!!! Love your perspective and intelligence on instinct, Ashley!! You all are badasss!!

[@Nirak205]

I was in a 2 year bad relationship and I didnt let my friends meet him cuz I knew they were going to tell me to leave him, wihch I wanted but the denial.. omg the denial..😑

[@Zoomalyssa]

First episode during Pride month !! 🌈

[@GrapefruitCat2]

Six months after breakup I was emotionally trapped for sure and I’ve made it to summmerrrreeee

[@rtd1791]

My sister’s first husband was just a terrible human being. I was stupefied that she married him. I didn’t restrain myself. I was blunt to the point of brutality. I told her she must have an ability I do not have. I asked if she thought of England when they had sex. He was so thoughtless and selfish I couldn’t figure out how she had sex with him. Their marriage was the disaster I thought it would be. He was charged with domestic violence assault 6 weeks after they came home from their honeymoon. It ended after 2 years thank goodness. But the divorce was a doozy with him committing tax fraud that had her wages being garnished and he stole money from her. Unfortunately they had a child together. He was as terrible a father as he was a husband. When he didn’t just ignore my nephew he was emotionally cruel. The man married twice more and had two more kids. He made sure his subsequent wives were immigrants without permanent residency status so he had more control. Routinely threatened them with deportation. It all finally ended two years ago when he died from Covid. That was its own horror story as by that point he lived alone and it was a while before his body was discovered. Then my poor nephew who was like two minutes into adulthood had to take care of everything as next of kin. Just an awful situation. My sister was cleaning her former husband’s apartment 17 years after their divorce. And of course she got sick. She felt like she had to help her son in every way possible. I think the moral of this is make sure your kid’s other parent is a good person. Love your future kids enough to give them good parents. Also if you have a child with someone, you are connected to that person for the life of your child. Divorce does not change it. I’m pushing 60 and my father recently passed. My parents had been divorced for nearly 50 years and my dad was still in my mum’s life even though she had been married to someone else for like 45 years. Yep. Make sure you procreate with a decent human you can stand for the rest of your life. Yeah, to be clear my dad was a decent human. Better than decent. My parents had their issues and my mum spent a few years being really angry with him, but by the time we were adults they’d made peace. My dad died from hospital acquired Covid after heart surgery.

[@ericadecopas]

I love Ashley reacting to "I dont like holding hate in my heart" by whispering "fuck you". Also, Ashley whispering fuck u is actually kinda hot??

[@theomay94]

Top fan from the UK here; also a PI ;)

[@madi32]

I want to meet the girlfriends so badly!

[@sergbastian5]

When I'm sad the pod isn't at least 40min long :( I'll take what I can get though, love you

[@mariannetfinches]

It's funny, the bluntest I've ever been about a friend's partner, I actually liked the partner. But the relationship was toxic & they were awful for each other. I repeatedly told him he had to end it, and I wonder if it took him so long because he knew he wasn't doing his best. But if you're not motivated to do your best, that's not the right relationship for you

[@shakesrear7850]

You've heard of the legrange point, here's The Kerplow point 37:07.

[@Louisyed]

Alayna, what's the down low on you being accepted into the MA?! How did you end up getting accepted when you werent initially? How did you get the scholarship? Please, I need details after you went into such detail when you didn't get accepted! ❤

[@swiftie4856]

I have one friend who’s boyfriend has a very insecure attachment style and it gets toxic sometimes. She doesn’t talk to me about it because if she hangs out with people other than him then she’s cheating in his mind and he’s like nice sometimes but like he’s an overall douche in his core. He’s nice and funny but he’s sexist and homophobic and just an overall issue but I can’t tell her this because she’s so beyond in love with him that she’ll drop me if she thinks im trying to come in between them

[@darkangel926_]

I rather get a text than a call ,calls traumatized me

[@teapots_and]

so with the phone-calling thing.. i'd love to call with my friends more..but every time i *want* to, i remember all the things and other relations they have going on, and i'm like. i dont want to disturb them...i feel like i'm too clingy. but then again, they never really call *me* on their own. i usually reach out first. so thats another thing that adds to me feeling like they dont want to phonecall with me at all and makes me put down the phone and it's a vicious circle:( does anyone have a solution to this? maybe its just the general feeling like "i care about my friends more" or show it more ? idk aaa feeling sad again i need to watch a different episode:'D

[@nahadoth2087]

It's probably a pretty good indication that I watch too much Ashley Gavin related content when I think I know which friend she is talking about at the start ...

[@theembersinside1420]

As the prsn my bf's friends have worried about, this episode made me think. (Bi, 42 yr old woman here) I was an opiate addicted mess a cpl yrs ago when I ran off on him after we lived tog awhile. We recently got back tog, but wouldn't have if I hadn't been a year sober, talked for months before getting tog & hadn't gone thru all the work I've been doing on myself. I'm hoping his friends don't hold my past against me, but so far they're being really open-minded. Any advice on dealing w the friends who might not be so understanding? I think I need a good statement to say if one of them says something negative while hanging out or privately to my face.

[@blakemtg47]

I hope Alaynas friend is not in danger😢

[@kelli_o]

did the end of this episode cut short on spotify for anyone else?

[@alexwhitelaw2003]

I don't understand why people stay incase you can't get better I'm single and celibate cuz if rather be alone then one person bringing me down in anyway

[@Max.in.the.daily.]

DID THEY EVER DO THE INTRO??

[@Raddiebaddie]

Yeah about half way 20:20

[@sitazamora6198]

As an annoying Astrology Lesbian I demand your girlfriends zodiac signs!! 🥺

[@kaiya33123]

This podcast always covers a topic (or multiple) right when I need it that week🥹 Loved the conversation about friend's partners!💞 Thank you all for your vulnerability!!!🫂🫂🫂

[@SpaceyD]

Hmmm I am a patron of both Chosen Family and WHGS, but I do contribute to WHGS at a higher level...

[@dathoneybadger2954]

@ 23:35 If you and Jen did not make AT LEAST one dental dam riff in those 5 hours on the plane, im unsubscribing

[@chinton4517]

I turn myself off on video calls

[@31051982loz]

❤

[@purplewatermelon7102]

I like chosen family waaay more than the whgs one

[@killdianette]

Okay, cool ?

[@ashgavs]

Why would you write this?

[@rtd1791]

I like them both. Only podcasts I listen to week in and week out these days. Different feels.

[@killdianette]

People now believe that their every opinion and thought is worthy of being commented publicly.

[@Kateee2005]

Wait I took this as a joke and I can't tell if other people aren't 😭

[@scubagoldfish45]

Extremely ratified episode!!

[@lizan1993]

First comment!

[@bilong92]

Parasocial comment for thé algorithme