Cinematic Excrement: Episode 69 - Battleship

[@death-king1834]

The biggest crime of this movie, is that nobody at any point said: ''You sunk my battleship.''

[@3Guys1Video]

wow

[@juhaniaho6698]

Darkseid That has to result in a paddlin’.

[@eddiedingle767]

Darkseid “ Admiral, I admit, I sunk my battleship in your daughter’s back harbor”

[@pyromania1018]

Who? Me?

[@trazyntheinfinite9895]

Sorry, as the old guy said: no way you sink a Battleship with those feeble attacks.

[@STNeish]

Damn, this movie deserved to do better, JUST on the strength of Colonel Gadson's presence and performance. Remarkable man.

[@roberttreacy8271]

7:43 Liam Neeson is not killing anyone in this scene. (Ding)

[@toastydanny9136]

Never underestimate the power of love for a chicken burrito.

[@andyjay729]

Michael Bay presents...Candy Land. What do you think the "plot" of that would be like? All I know is Megan Fox will play Queen Frostine.

[@spookyrosev6467]

andyjay729 Why do I get the feeling that Candy Land if it’s not cancelled will probably be like Nutcracker and the Four Realms or the film version of Wrinkle In Time

[@peterkrug4124]

A Michael Bay-directed Candy Land movie would be this: the heroes must travel through the land battling monsters and robots to get to Candy Castle where King Candy is being held hostage by terrorists, all before the castle explodes.

[@AlexHarrison-zv4jj]

@@peterkrug4124 The Rock (Candy).

[@GeorgenotHarrison]

"The acting was hit and miss"

[@Biden_is_demented]

No, it was all miss. There were no hits to be had.

[@Charlie_Loves]

Darth Mucus calm down Hercules. What you said has as much value as a drop of water in a bucket. Because unfortunately, it’s an opinion.

[@Biden_is_demented]

@@Charlie_Loves No shit, Sherlock! Like yours! Opinions are like assholes, everybody´s got one! With that said, as a viewer of said film, my opinion still counts. The movie acting was bad, and you should feel bad. The real question is why would you feel so strongly about one opinion, to warrant that response. Hit close to home, have i?

[@yuyaricachimuel555]

@@Biden_is_demented i don’t know if you got the pun in the OG comment xD

[@mmluon]

Just discovered your channel yesterday. Have been binge watching while recovering from surgery. Thank you for your funny, intelligent, and thoroughly entertaining take on crap movies in particular and movies in general. Please know that the torture you endured watching these turkeys is providing comfort and healing to some of us through laughter. Great job and content!

[@LameMovieCo]

Battleship is one of my biggest guilty pleasures.

[@matthewredmond2168]

Here is what the military officially has to say about moral standards of enlistment: Persons entering the Armed Forces should be of good moral character. The underlying purpose of moral character enlistment standards is to minimize entrance of persons who are likely to become disciplinary cases or security risks or who disrupt good order, morale, and discipline. Moral standards of acceptability for service are designed to disqualify the following kinds of persons: Individuals under any form of judicial restraint (bond, probation, imprisonment, or parole). Those with significant criminal records. Persons convicted of felonies may request a waiver to permit their enlistment. The waiver procedure is not automatic, and approval is based on each individual case. One of the considerations in determining whether a waiver will be granted is the individual's ability to adjust successfully to civilian life for a period of time following his or her release from judicial control. In processing waiver requests, the Military Services shall require information about the "who, what, when, where, and why" of the offense in question; and a number of letters of recommendation attesting to the applicant's character or suitability for enlistment. Such letters must be from responsible community leaders such as school officials, ministers, and law enforcement officials. Those who have been previously separated from the Military Services under conditions other than honorable or for the good of the Service. Those who have exhibited antisocial behavior or other traits of character that would render them unfit to associate with military personnel.

[@Emanon...]

Sure, and then there's the thousands of cases of sexual assault against women in the military who have to report it to their superior. You know, the one who committed the sexual assault....

[@musicalDrebin]

No you cannot force someone to join the military in fact the first thing they ask you when you get off the bus is "did anyone force you to be here?"

[@alibubba1753]

how the actual fuck does this man not have 100,000+ subscribers?

[@TommyDeonauthsArchives]

AliBubba Your guess is as good as mine.

[@bradwolf07]

Oh and that Colonel...definitely a true bada**. Now there is a guy who I could see taking up any challenge, even brain dead aliens like in this movie. My hat's off to that man. I have nothing but respect for him.

[@CowboyBebop262]

The thing is, why did this need aliens? Undisciplined officer trying to get the girl and redeem his career during a military operation against overwhelming odds, it writes itself. This should have been a layup. A cold war era movie involving Russian and American navies, Hell they could have modernized it with PMCs, drones, anything but aliens. Then to compound it, you have all these people that can't act and Liam Neeson's in the film for 5 minutes. Wasted potential if you ask me.

[@LinkMarioSamus]

CowboyBebop262 It's amazing to think considering how faithful the Clue movie was. That movie wasn't exactly a masterpiece, but at least it shows that board game adaptations can be done well.

[@davidcokeley2918]

Shut up

[@pyromania1018]

@@LinkMarioSamus Plus it was funny, and had Tim Curry.

[@coolnerdlll6053]

"I'm half a man, and half a man ain't enough to be a soldier. That's all I've ever known." That's actually a pretty brilliant line. It's a shame they didn't make the movie about that guy, but they obviously didn't want it to be good.

[@SMAXZO]

Look...I can come up with a better plot for Battleship. Set during WW2, we got both sides trying to sink the opposing side but unfortunately the weather hindered their sights..and whatever radar they have is damaged or something. Probably would make for a good wartime drama.

[@victorhernandez8723]

They should have used your idea!

[@RichardWatt]

@@victorhernandez8723 And one of the German battleships could have been based on the Tirpitz - that was one tough ship that was finally taken out of commission with 6 ton "Tallboy" bombs dropped by the Dambusters.

[@rickymcgowen6776]

So... Hood vs Bismarck?

[@roberttreacy8271]

That would’ve been better than what we got.

[@klextacy]

Thank goodness he (Kitsch) did well with Lone Survivor, and is looking good in Season 2 of True Detective.

[@EndanDrachon]

Actually, my brother who was in the army and served two tours in Afghanistan said that a lot of idiots were promoted by their squad leaders, because the squad leaders saw them as a hinderince that could get the other people in the squad killed, and promoting them was the easiest way to get them out of the squad.

[@DarthBigBen]

Is it bad I find that idea disturbing?

[@nodinitiative]

Endan Drachon And like the guy said, 'the army' is quite flexible and easiest out of the three main branches. lolz

[@regiman222]

@@Talisguy It's happening a lot in the film industry these days too, Failing Upwards indeed.

[@RichardWatt]

@@Talisguy It also happens in civil services and TV networks - but it's called "failing upwards" there.

[@erwin669]

The thing is you're not going to get an OCS appointment if you are a screw up. You have a board outside your chain of command looking at your submission packet and having a less than stellar packet will get you rejected. He could have had OCS as part of his enlistment contract and just barely made it through the program. But no military branch would look at him while he has a pending court case and getting an OCS slot while waiting on a pending court case is something that would probably never happen.

[@Zice033]

Also, he's doing the Total Recall remake next. I can feel it.

[@baingr9000]

Zice033 He could be referring to The Forgotten (2004)

[@MrBeador]

Zice033 Nice call

[@newtonsfourth3143]

Good guess!

[@samdryden7944]

The only reason the burrito scene exists is they wanted to recreate a cctv video of a real burglary that was popular around the time the movie was made.

[@gdwnet]

I like this movie. It's a guilty pleasure.

[@eblackwell]

You can definitely make a great movie based on a boardgame: Clue.

[@Foustdoodles98]

My dad is also in the navy, but he is a medic Corman, but still smeghead u and I both have, father's in the Navy so that's pretty cool.

[@BigEWR]

You sunk that ship like a true soldier. Your father must be very proud.

[@rickymcgowen6776]

Sailor.

[@Solaristist]

He called a ship a boat. I'd say "tolerant" rather than "proud" would be a better description of his father's disposition.

[@SuperSwordman1]

Amazing how Orville managed to make sunlight weak aliens actually intimidating.

[@WolfoftheAurora]

Interesting fact: When I visited USS Midway down in San Diego, out of curiosity I asked one of the veterans who gave the island tour if it was possible to get Midway up and running again. It is possible, but with all of the cleaning, maintenance, and refurbishing that needs to be done, it would take a little over a year to get her back into service. And Midway is easier to get back into service than Missouri and her sisters. Also, if Missouri is in a similar condition to Iowa, then the propeller shafts would have been welded in place to prevent wear and costly maintenance. So lots of work would need to be done to get the battleships back into service. Anyway, Sean, love your videos and keep up the good work.

[@roberttreacy8271]

5:00 Still a better love story than Twilight.

[@ph89787]

You know the hilarious thing about this movie is that despite having an american protagonist. The final blow is given by the Royal Australian Air Force.

[@BlackJackel12]

Hasbro: Ruining childhood memories since 2007

[@imjodokast]

4 years late but.... Yes, that is exactly what some retired veterans do. They hang out at museum, like Pearl Harbor and aviation museums. They act as volunteers, usually as tour guides. A good number of them also volunteer in restorations of planes and other equipment, as, they may have worked on the same or similar equipment while in service. They are a great resource and a highlight to speak with them when visiting such museums.

[@josephglatz25]

14:03 I will now come to a weak defense of the aliens in the film. The film, so far as I remember, came out around the time the Kepler telescope was spotting planets almost daily, and had come out with big news regarding an Earth-like planet around the Red Dwarf star Gleise 581. The movie early on shows a SETI-esque project, sending greeting messages to star systems that were considered good candidates for life, and I think mentions Gleise 581 b (the exo planet that got a lot of media fanfare) as the target for the transmission. Red Dwarf stars give out less heat, and visible light toward the lower end of the EM spectrum. Thus the aliens were coming from an environment that received dimmer sunlight than we do here on earth, so they essentially had to bring sunglasses with them, so the light hitting their eyes wouldn't be painful. Does that make anything else less stupid? No, but the whole light sensitivity thing has a reason to exist in plot.

[@Khenfu_Cake]

​​@Prehistoric Hero Well, in general the distances in space being so incredibly vast would require the aliens to be capable of FTL travel which would make their civilizations so advanced I highly doubt we would be anything but like a bug compared to them. If we are lucky they might not even find us all that interesting. This is why I generally prefer sci fi like The Expanse or Roadside Picnic's way of depicting alien visitors. They show how insignificant our level of technology is compared to aliens who are capable of interstellar travel.

[@Khenfu_Cake]

Also Gleise 581b is roughly 20 light-years away from the Solar System. According to Wikipedia they transmitted the messages in 2006 and unless the movie is supposed to take place in the future there's no way those messages would already have reached that star system by 2012. Unless humanity in this universe also somehow developed FTL communication lol.

[@ZIGSVIDS]

It takes a crew of 70 to operate one of the Missouri's big guns.

[@TheHeroOfTomorrow]

Seriously, guy, fire your agent. I liked John Carter, but the rest of the movies...no.

[@robbylebotha]

Maybe HE is the problem. He's not a very good actor, he always seems aloof and clumsy. You dont walk away from the movie wanting to be in his shoes, he's like pie, not bad not good just forgettable.

[@TheEudaemonicPlague]

I saw John Carter in 3D....yeah, as a film, not a complete loss, but the 3D took a lot of the enjoyment out of it, not to mention that they didn't seem to care enough about the source material to make ERB fans (like myself) entirely happy. This from, if I recall correctly, a director who claimed to be an ERB fan. Typical Hollywood BS.

[@Godzillakingofkaiju1]

@@robbylebotha The problem with John Carter was the marketing team at the time was a complete and utter joke.

[@robbylebotha]

@@Godzillakingofkaiju1 no, I watched the movie. The guy is not a good actor.

[@Dreamaphobic]

Anyone who think's he is a bad actor needs to go watch The Normal Heart and then get back to me

[@QuintDunaway]

I have this theory that the Transfomers, GI Joe, and this connect in a way, and the 2017 My Little Pony also connects, and then we get a Care Bears movie, and then we get a movie where the BattleShip aliens come down to attack earth again, but the Transformers, GI Joe, My Little Pony, and Care Bears team up to stop them.

[@Peridoot3]

Quint Dunaway Sure, y not

[@BlackJackel12]

Quint Dunaway How does Jem and the Holograms fit in with all this?

[@SuperMarkerComicBro]

Quint Dunaway Unless Mr. Potato Head makes a cameo, I'll pass.

[@Darkraes743]

+Quint Dunaway They're working on a cinematic universe with a bunch of eighties reboots

[@TheKilroyman]

And possibly directed by Michael Bay. XD

[@jw8395]

Why do so many people hate Jumanji? I love that movie.

[@karacomley181]

I like that movie too! People hate it?

[@MelBrooksFan78]

I don't get that either. That movie was my childhood!

[@roberttreacy8271]

Cheapsunglasses Me too.

[@whitewolf1310]

WHAT? People hate Jumanji? This is the first I've heard of it.

[@3Guys1Video]

Who said that in the video?

[@andrewpatterson4976]

Say....A Thousand Words.....Breaking Dawn......The Oogieloves....and now this. Smeghead, all of your reviews of the 2012 Razzie Nominees have been truly epic thus far, perhaps someday you would be generous enough to grace us with a review of That's My Boy and complete the "Saga of S**t?"

[@StroboPyrzy]

You have one of the best WARNING -screens ever. Love it, and it hits the point perfectly!

[@theNewBee]

Chicken Burrito? Imagine what she does for a Klondike Bar

[@mgrzx3367]

I love on IMDB there is no listing for budget or box office receipts for this movie. We did use the USS Iowa during the gulf war. So modern Naval personnel should know how to use those 16 inch guns. Great review, thanks.

[@williamtaylor2393]

I really enjoyed this review. The reviewer has some comic chops. Don't crucify me but, I actually liked this movie. I probably agreed with most of the reviewers points about legitimacy and plot issues. I tend to ignore whether an actor is any good in the particular show and just lose myself in the story. Not to say I don't cringe now and then when a really bad move happens, acting or story line. My wife says I have questionable show tastes but then I grew up during the 70s and those were some very diverse shows.

[@metademetra]

Wait, Riahnna is in this?! Okay, Hollywood, singers are not automatically good actors! Stop hiring them to act! (unless music is the main point of the movie)

[@theuncluded6220]

And Beyonce.....lol

[@giuseppeianniello1998]

On the positive side, Rihanna won a Teen Choice Award for her role. But on the negative, she also took home the Worst Supporting Actress Razzie Award

[@FreeNintendo21]

OMG Sean! I can't believe you did this. I was imagining if you get to this, now here you are tearing this movie a new ass. Good job.

[@faeinthebay]

Another enjoyable review! Always a pleasure to watch you devastate a movie and respect the good bits.

[@voxdraconia4035]

To be fair concerning Kitsch's status as Lieutanant: This movie probably takes places in the same universe as the Star Trek Reboot. A couple of hundred years in the future troublemakers like Jim Kirk can become captain despite cheating in tests, having a problem with authority and after only serving on board of a ship for like, dunno, 5 days? Yeah, he saved the Earth, but this should have earned not a place on the flagship... Oh, this movie, ah, not much to say about it...wish Liam Neeson would have kicked alien butt's...

[@nathaniellevesque2782]

Maybe the aliens in this movie are related to the ones from Signs.

[@ph89787]

Nah if they were, then going to Hawaii would be incredibly stupid for them.

[@RichardWatt]

@@ph89787 And they'd be allergic to water, so aliens with rabies.

[@HalfTangible]

14:26 Presumably their sun is different from Sol and they're not adapted to Sol's particular radiation. However, attacking at sea means you have to worry about twice as much sunlight as you would when attacking on land. So... it's even dumber that this attack happened.

[@BlackburnBigdragon]

All the game of "Battleship" is about is two fleets of ships trying to locate and blast the hell out of each other. All they had to do was make a movie about two fleets of ships trying to locate and blast each other to smithereens! How do you screw this simple concept up!?!

[@richardpietroski9263]

How did JIm Carrey (batman 3) yelling you sank my battleship not enter the review?

[@robertfolkner9253]

The USS Missouri was a museum ship at Puget Sound Naval Shipyard in 1980. I saw it there.

[@jacksullivan2877]

You do know that jumanji is based of a book not a board game right

[@RawbeardX]

the old man f-bomb was actually funny, that one gets a pass

[@davidmayo7119]

Wow, ya no, I've watched this movie at least 50 time and never knew about the after credit scene, thanks.

[@Liam-ly8rv]

Re-watching this and I'm surprised you haven't done Battle: Los Angeles yet.

[@theenglishman]

Episode 69 Nice.

[@alantheinquirer7658]

Alien invasions, pah! Vulnerable to planet sunlight? "Let's invade the planet on the day side!" Vulnerable to water? "Let's invade a planet with 71% water coverage, and a high moisture content!" Your atmosphere vulnerable to radiation, and require a very common metal? "Tee Hee! Let's take our atmosphere generators and try not to be radiated. Like with the sun, background radiation, mineral deposits and so on."

[@Turbo9987]

Did these aliens come from the Shyamalan school of shitty aliens or something?

[@ryandowney8743]

This is definitely a script they had laying around and they modified it slightly to add a few Battleship references.

[@padlock711]

Can you review a movie that was bad because of studio interference (Fox is a prime example) rather than director's incompetence? Some include:Super Mario Bros., RoboCop, Alien 3, Fantastic Four, Cleopatra

[@billybarnett9518]

You mean how Super Mario Bros get changed from a PG 13 satire to a family film?

[@wayneralph4712]

Laughed my socks off at the opening burrito scene. Enjoyed this movie.

[@noncombatveteran8714]

As a navy guy you would not believe how many people I saw liking this movie when gathered around to watch in the barracks

[@sqjpure]

he was cool in lone survivor

[@suedenim]

I actually like this movie. It's got just about the right mix of silliness. And my favorite thing is that from the aliens' perspective, it's not an invasion but a horribly botched first contact mission.

[@michaelmcjunkin1372]

I notice you have the firefly post. I suppose that means you like the show and its movie "Serenity"

[@cb1671]

They were both great, so why wouldn't he love them?

[@michaelmcjunkin1372]

Rihanna was also casted in the Dreamworks' Home and yeah, she was under acting

[@frankm.2850]

Ten year old me and my friends would have thought the censored f-bombs were hilarious and awesome, but yeah, it’s pretty stupid.

[@secludedmisanthrope6388]

Actually, you can have a criminal record and still enlist in the US Military. While I was stationed MCBH Kaneohe Bay, HI we had a Marine join our unit CSSG-3 (now CLB-3) and he had a criminal record, it was a felony "Theft of a firearm" and he said it took ages to get his "Felony Waiver" approved, so he could ship out. This is a description of what a felony waiver is: A felony waiver is special permission granted to a United States military recruit with a felony on their criminal record. ... They are increasingly being issued by the U.S. Army and U.S. Marine Corps to bolster forces that are strained by the demands of the ongoing War on Terror. I served from 2001 to 2009 and he wasn't the only one. It depends on the crime that person committed and the militaries need for recruits at that time. If they're willing to serve, they should be allowed to... Now, when it comes to things like promotion boards and which MOS's would be available to them, their criminal record can be an issue.

[@TheBonkleFox]

God I WISH I was watching Clue right now. Did you know there was a fourth ending where the champagne actually was poisoned? Fortunately the cops got everyone to proper medical treatment before it really took effect, though Wadsworth got away jumping through the conservatory window (not that he was exactly safe after that)

[@rred452]

I actually expected a bad porno for episode 69. I am very disappointed in you,Smeghead.

[@Happymali10]

4:10 Watch the CCTV timecode. They messed that up REALLY badly.

[@deandupont5503]

@ 16:20 YES. It is. I've been on the SS Hornet (Alameda, CA) for a couple swing revival parties* and... Yep, there were some crusty old Navy bastards who were there to do nothing more than partake in the all-meat buffet, dance with their wives a bit, and horn in on conversations involving anyone under the age of 35 (especially if a girl was present). "So did you serve?" Yes, I have. While working at a TGI Fridays. * Not to be confused with swinger parties. I've been to a few of those too, and they're far more tedious.

[@TheInfamousGS]

Ugh, they sunk it! were they peeking? 0_o

[@cloudysky581]

Obvious wire is obvious.

[@hiddentruth1982]

use to be 2 options years ago. the judge would say go to jail or join the military. they quit doing that for some reason but it was done for a long time.

[@TrueMetis]

13:10, actually my first question was how in the hell they're going to turn a normal speed of light communications facility into a FTL communication facility. Because if the aliens are close enough that a normal radio communication can get to them in a timely matter than they don't need the facility. Unless the aliens aren't using FTL I guess but that just adds way more questions.

[@bilakos1987]

Battleship Earth.

[@trazyntheinfinite9895]

The movie was fun, because aliens got their shit recked by naval Artillery.

[@blackfoxx86]

"Who creates a cheap knock-off of their own product?" Saban did when they created Big Bad Beetleborgs

[@chelmrtz]

Many thanks to SmegDad’s expertise

[@sailorsaturn1060]

I went to Hawaii a couple of years ago and toured the Missouri. Believe it or not, most of not all of the tour guides were retired naval veterans who had worked on the Missouri. I'm pretty sure I saw my guide in the mix. And, according to my dad who's a huge military buff, the Missouri can be called into active service at any time, so it would have to be ready to deploy. Granted, it would likely take a couple days for the Missouri to get out to sea.

[@Isolder74]

+SailorSaturn10 More like a couple of months at best. No matter what there is no way they could pull it off without massive dry dock time.

[@TheStewieOne]

You have admitted it that Veteran scene was complete badass.

[@mintstarmari]

1:55 What’s the name of that failure fanfare? I’ve heard it on many other videos.

[@leileyaravencroft]

It’s an old one if I recall correctly. Like one that’s been in constant use since the 70s (possibly earlier). I wish I knew the name but it’s pretty famous (being mostly used in comedy shows to signify, of course, failure)

[@BowserTheSecond]

That clue for next episode has me "total"ly stumped

[@nostalgiaworks5999]

Hollywood, you sunk my Battleship!

[@acountryboysopinion6001]

My Dad & oldest brother are Retired Navy. I'm a Combat Veteran (U.S. ARMY 15yrs) myself. Yes it is correct that you have to have a College Degree to be an Officer ( All Branches). But All Branches have "Waivers" for certain crimes.

[@JasonRoggasch]

YOU ARE THE LUTE OLSON OF KZbin MOVIE REVIEWS...Maybe..IDK....GO ZONA!!!

[@shawklan27]

This movie is a guilty pleasure for me

[@noeldomingo125]

True..Rhianna's bad ass attitude is so laughable.

[@Bubbleskittymaster]

If I had to inlist in the military I would try my hardest to get into the navy. Alot of my family was in the military, my sister inlaw is in the air force, my stepfather was in the military and was sent to Germany, my uncle worked on a supersteam ship in vetinam etc.

[@swolie]

Your next review is going to be Total Recall

[@williamknight6227]

they could have made a war movie. set it in ww2.

[@AJponyAPschannel]

Thanks again, man, just what I needed

[@Traindriver321]

CANDY LAND! I haven't played that for 9 YEARS! Now I feel old....

[@luigiman8728]

Speaking of Hasbro movies, what are your thoughts of the upcoming "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" Movie?

[@IllusionistsBane]

Total Recall remake. By the way, Taylor Kitsch is one of the possible stars of the 'The Raid' remake. I don't even have any idea why that remake is even necessary.

[@johnwatson3948]

Like “Independence Day” and other movies aliens who have interstellar travel always have weapons technology only slightly ahead of our own.

[@timtheskeptic1147]

Speaking as a navy vet, there is no way in hell you'll get a decommed ship up and ready in 6 months. Much less a few minutes.

[@B.-T.]

The worst part about that wire shot in the convenience store is that nobody would have known had they cut the shot just a second earlier! Even the editor was phoning it in!

[@milimunder]

I personally thought he was great in Savages. Also, his role in X-men Origins was one of the movie's highlights.

[@ВасяТёркин-е9л]

Well, to be fair the movie has a kickass soundtrack and it certainly has it's own personality and charm

[@MiTBender]

Love the slam against ASU. XD Bear down!

[@nitromagilou597]

I admit, I like the Transformers movies as a guilty pleasure. With Battleship, I couldn't remember a thing that happened in the movie. No matter how much I tried.