Thoughts During A Breakdown

[@jamesstewartwilliams]

It's not your fault darling - stay strong. While people with terminal illness are very unwell, so are we (people with EUPD). Every journey has an end - but yours is (thankfully) far, far away. Stay strong Claudia - you aren't alone in this fight! When you are going through hell, keep going!

[@lasiurus]

on feeling guilt about others passing away from illness, I think it's important to remember that depression is an illness that kills too. it's not your fault you're depressed, you didn't choose to be that way, it doesn't make you ungrateful and you shouldn't feel guilty.

[@AlexMechanicAlexMechanic]

So happy you're posting and sharing. It's a space to heal together

[@cate4139]

I wish I had a friend like you in real life.

[@darasimpson1539]

You are not alone with the health guilt thing. As a teen I was hospitalized for mental health issues. I missed a lot of school, and rumors spread that I had cancer. The sickening shame and guilt I felt was so intense. You are not alone in this ❤️

[@814912]

Sending you so, so much love ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🍀

[@claudiacook619]

I think guilt is one of the most common and most crippling emotions we get, especially when we're suicidal. I feel so guilty that I don't want this life that I've been given (especially this white, straight-passing, middle class, privileged life), when there are so many who would kill to have a life like mine. I feel so guilty that i would try to leave that behind and hurt my family in the process, and give them the trauma of finding me. But then at the same time i feel guilty that i could probably save 10 people's lives if i died and they could just take all my organs and my blood, but I'm not 'allowed' to end it. And then there's the standard guilt of being alive and contributing to climate change and participating in systems that hurt people. Guilty guilty guilty. If someone said this to me I would tell them that it isn't their fault, I truly don't think it's your fault either. I think, like you said, we just have to deal with what we've got. But it's very hard to empathise with ourselves and give ourselves that break like we would to other people. You're incredibly strong, fellow Claudia, and hearing you express some of the same feelings that I do helps me to feel less crazy and alone, so thank you. Big love xx

[@minahl5167]

sending love

[@sophielouise1094]

I like who you are Claudia. Thanks for making videos :)

[@emmaharris2139]

Sending love and hugs, we are always here 💜

[@azarahwagner2749]

I can so empathize… and yes I feel major guilt that is always present. Big Angel hugs and blessings 🕊🕊🕊🕊

[@lanawilson5910]

Hi Claudia. I hope your are okay. Thank you for this video, it relates so much to me at the minute and guilt is very much a part of me but then I feel I just want peace. As you say you are trying to pick yourself up, that's exactly what I am trying to do but its very hard. I have not been out of the house since Friday evening and feel stuck in a rut where I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. I hope you start to feel better soon, you deserve it so much to be happy xx

[@CynicalPasta]

I certainly relate to the guilt aspect but I guess the realization of the fact that the world was never fair and never will be can be quite liberating at times. Everyone has their own unique experiences and as much as I would like it to be life is not transferrable.

[@raspberryitalia3464]

It's lovely to see you even when you're feeling low, I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope your visit with Dan is revitalizing. I completely understand the feeling of guilt during mental illness - there is so much to be grateful for, and those are what I cling to during the darkest times. I'm grateful for the people who love me, and I hope you can rest in the truth that you are so loved, so valuable, and you deserve to be here. We love you loads, take care 💜

[@girl-in-a-treehouse]

Sending love Claudia. ❤️ You've been through so, so much, and shouldered burdens and pains that have been invalidated and minimized in your life. As a result, self-invalidation can be a learned behavior if we've been put through it enough, so as you come out of these traumas, do try to keep in mind that this could contribute towards your feelings of unworthiness. Invalidation can give us the impression that we should be "over it" far quickly than is possible, and we can struggle to remain objective when it comes to healing from these things. You absolutely deserve to give yourself credit FOR staying strong, FOR staying alive. It took me to try to imagine someone else, (perhaps a friend), going through all I had, to really remain objective about the sheer enormity of what I'd been going through. ❤️ I hope this passes for you soon. You are amazing Claudia. Xx

[@Hollie0601]

At the start of the video when you were talking about that sense of guilt I was trying to remember what song sums up that feeling to me. It was Mother Maiden Crone, which makes sense (I feel a bit nervous admitting how I interpret your art to you!). I don't think I've ever heard anyone else acknowledge that sense of guilt before. I'm really glad you make these videos. Sending so much love

[@lilacsmoon9067]

i think, for me, the not feeling happy thing is. i've understood it as just a fact of life? i am very very privileged in that i get the chance often to experience moments of happiness, big and small (a great cup of roibos tea, talking to a loved one, doing something with my hands like drawing or making a puzzle), in which i feel relaxed and safe and content, but even then, by definition happiness can't be a baseline state, can it? when things were at their best, my baseline was not 'happy', it was. 'safe', 'financially stable enough to not risk homelessness', 'connected to friends', 'enough time to rest'. idk. happiness is so idealised, and i mean. it's great! but it's such a weird metric to measure the worth of our lives with i think

[@zoevideoscrapbook]

❤️

[@prenticedarlington2720]

Some years ago, I occasionally used to fantasise that I would gladly give up my life if it meant that so doing would end racism. It seemed like a worthwhile exchange. I suppose I still would but the thought doesn't carry as much weight to me now because of the overwhelmingly unlikely possible causal link between the two. The older I've become, the more that reality and probability become the foundation of my thoughts (as opposed to fantasy and improbability). Well, I wish I could mend your damaged self. I've always carried a sadness with me, too. It has made me introverted to some extent and unable to be carefree when carefree would be better. What has helped me is the realisation that the universe, as we can see it, is as overwhelmingly enormous as it is obsurd (from subatomic particles to galaxies). The day to day mundane existence of us little ants, with our little ant priorities and our little ant problems, is dwarfed by the scale and bizarreness of the universe. I think a sense of scale, as well as a sense of mortality, are very useful for navigating our reality. Lovely listening to you. Thanks for sticking around and talking to us. Please continue. A. xxx

[@kupotenshi]

I relate to that feeling of not ever "feeling happy", it's like going through life on autopilot. Yeah, there are things that are funny and make me laugh, I have many interests, but is that happiness? lol I don't know if that is even a problem, how many adults are truly truly happy? It must be a normal human condition to feel like this in our isolated society.

[@richardrickford3028]

I do not think there is anything fake and false about you. You strike me as a very honest and courageous woman. What I do think is that in this society of ours we are often in denial about how deeply complex and messy a thing human personality is a lot of the time. This can make some lovely people who are even more complex than usual feel freaky which is not good at all. We like to put people in convenient and utterly misleading slots. Sexuality is in a way the ultimate example - there is the straight slot, the gay slot and the 50/50 bi slot (though for some even this final crude and misleading slot is not there and it is just the other too) Ultimately there are as many sexualities as there are people. And to expand the picture we can still be not only complicated but also messy and indeed contradictory but still be very very beautiful in terms of our personality. I think this is true for you and many other people who are very intelligent and creative and have a very fine social conscience. It really is all right to be complicated and messy even if sometimes it does not feel all right. I hope you will forgive me for whittering on. There is also the world of difference between feeling courageous and being courageous. if someone feels courageous all the time then this could actually mean they are some kind of narcissist - especially if their "courage" demands other people to be weak and puny. But for people with deep mental ill health every day is often an act of tremendous courage even though they may not feel courageous - but rather like a schmuk. When you feel very very depressed and broken down what you deserve is someone to listen to you and to give you a hug. And I hope someone like your brother is there to do it. If not hug yourself. Give yourself a loving stroke. It may sound false and corny but it certainly works for me (as well as giving my parents aged dog Bertie lots of strokes that he always badgers me for when I go round there)

[@josephwilson282]

No use in thinking what might have been Claudia. You should be happy with the person you are now. You know I have had my problems with some of your opinions politically, and for the record I still stand by some of my criticisms, but you are a good person who cares about the world around you, and you are strong (battling mental health problems is never easy.) And very talented (you are a brilliant singer and song writer. Florence Welch meets Kate Bush.) Be happy with that and stop thinking you should have been this or that. I can relate to all of these things. This time last year I was going through EXACTLY what you are and that's why these videos have really spoken to me. I've been through my own feelings of regret, agonizing over the past and what my life should have been, and hating who I am. I just hope you don't let it consume you anymore as you don't need to change a thing. (Except maybe get a better taste in versions of the Master from Doctor Who, because Missy is utter crap LOL.)

[@ClaudiaBoleyn]

Thank you so much for your comment, Joseph. It honestly made me smile. Thank you for your kindness and for your compliments. I hope you know that though our views may differ, I really do respect you, and that it means more than I can say that in spite of that you’ve taken the time to wish me well. You mention your own feelings of regret, and I hope you find some peace with those soon. I also hope it’s not wrong of me to feel comforted by you sharing your struggle with a similar issue last year. I think just knowing that you’re here now, and you got through it, has given me a lot of strength. (Also, I’m a Sasha Dhawan girl now!) All the best and I wish I could do more to thank you. Xxx