Coming Out To My Parents: Asexual Edition

[@k__258]

My mother is exactly the same way, she talks about how love is love and everyone is equal, and then I mention my asexuality and she eyes me like i'm an alien. I feel like she's the kind of "i support gays as long as they're not my kids" person.

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

That sucks; I'm sorry. I don't know how long ago you initially came out, but my parents are coming around for the most part- I came out to my mom 7 years ago, my dad probably 6? They still say the occasional face palm-y thing, but they are generally accepting.

[@Oliver-rv8bc]

I recently came out to my mom about being aromantic and asexual and she was completely okay with it and it was lovely (: I feel so much better now.

[@kota1748]

My experience was exactly the same. I was told it's just a phase, the right girl will change my mind, yada yada yada. It's kinda frustrating because it feels like they aren't taking you seriously or they are just brushing it off with denial. At least it wasn't backfired with rejection. I'd rather be misunderstood than rejected by my parents. Bittersweet.

[@kaelend4018]

Idk why but when I vaguely tell people I don't like guys they asked me if I liked girls. Then I was like no and they were probably like wtf. And my bro told me to not have sex or mess around before I was 18 so I was like you don't have I worry about that. Another time my bro told me something along the lines of kids are inevitable because if I would have sex and I was just stunned because I already told him I didn't like guys and that he didn't have to worry about me messing around with guys and he still doesn't know! It's so frustrating to low key come out and they still don't understand!

[@kaelend4018]

+Sarah Belyea Thank you

[@paradiseofthorns2391]

I came ot to my mom yesterday, and it was really emotional. My mom had no clue what it meant tho. She kept asking if I was gay. Lol. And I had to tell her hey yeah this may change blah blah but this is who I am. My mom also thought it was a phase. I had to explain to her that I have felt this way since 6th grade, before my first period, because she started asking if it was because of my hormones being crazy because I was actually on my period at the time, which is why the whole thing was extra emotional. But I didn't know that it was bothering as much as it was and how much I wanted to tell her until I got emotional. She told me some things about herself as a kid, how she isn't as "pure" as she told me when growing up. That she didn't wait until after marriage, and that is a big deal where I live. Speaking of where I live the "symptoms" of the lack of sexual attraction can be classified as disorder and put someone in a mental institution etc. And I explained that to her, and that is why I was scared. However I said his after she reasured me that she loved me. I don't think she really understand that i am asexual even Hough I said the term at the beginning. But she understands for the past 5-6 years I have felt no need to have sex or do sexual activities, etc. She told me, I could always go to her best friend who is very accepting of the lgtb+ community, she is a lot like an aunt to me, and that made me feel better. And my mom did ask if something happened, that would make me not want sex, but she is my mom, so she was just concerned. By the one thing that did hurt was when she asked if I wanted to go talk to a paid professional. Which is a huge no no, I told her no and that I am fine. That I am happy with myself. She got happy when I told her that I guess she knows everything about me now, she said of course I am your mother. This being the day after I am still really uneasy. She was accepting that I don't want this thing,. But I did tell her it might change. She told me a lot of stuff about her relationship with my dad (not great at all), she was really good about it, she made mistakes, though she didn't know any better, she was learning. So was I. I am trying to shake this wierd feeling that bothers me. I think it is just cause a secret I have kept for 5-6 years isn't really a secret anymore. I don't regret it, but at the same time I some what do. I feel bad, because I cried so much and was so scared, but I know I shouldn't. Anyone else understand this feeling? Or any advice on how to get over it? Like I feel better than I did yesterday, so maybe with time that nervous feeling will go away. She doesn't talk about it, as of right now, so that's a life saver.

[@dorelle]

thank you for sharing this story.

[@davidrust8249]

I'm in middle school and i recently came out as Asexual but my mom doesnt care while my dad says its a phase, and i want to tell my friends and boyfriend but in afraid they'll hate me.

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

The automatic go-to answer to this question is: if they don't accept you or "hate" you because of your asexuality then they aren't really your friends. People who care about you and who are invested in your wellbeing will come around. HOWEVER- I remember being in middle school and how important friendships are and how cruel we can be to one another. And this was before social media was as big as it is now, and I imagine it's worse now. While I agree with the initial statement, safety, as well as personal comfort, is important. If you think that it will affect your school life to come out as asexual, you are not under any obligation to tell anyone. I do think that with relationships, like with your boyfriend, there is a certain bit of obligation to disclose, for a relationship to be honest. If you think he will be hung up on the word, you can always just explain how you feel without saying you identify as asexual.

[@gurlfred365]

Same. Exact. Situation, except I have came out to 2 of my closest friends

[@ultraviolette69]

Before I fully understood what asexuality was, I couldn't fathom being asexual. This was long before I understood that sexual and romantic attractions are different. I identified as pansexual for the longest time but never quite understood why that still didn't feel right. I thought that asexuals had no sexual feelings at all, so I felt like I didn't fit in because masturbation is fine to me, but the thought of having sex with another person makes me nauseous. After educating myself, I have finally come to the conclusion that I'm panromantic asexual. I still have no clue how to tell my parents, even though they are the most supportive parents in the world and I could not be luckier to have them in my life. I don't know why talking about my sexuality is so uncomfortable. I feel like its invasive, and that nobody needs to know, but I want them to know. Any advice?

[@ultraviolette69]

***** Thanks! I don't want it to be this whole dramatic thing because I'm a very sarcastic no-fucks-given kind of person. I was kind of thinking that it would be okay to never tell them, you know? I wish it was normal to be not straight. So there was no pressure on anyone to have to do this.

[@ultraviolette69]

***** my boyfriend and a few of my friends are the only ones who know right now. I'm afraid to tell one of my closest friends though. We knew this guy who was asexual and she was talking about how weird it was, I don't think I'm going to tell her. Which sucks, because we tell each other everything.

[@allyouneedisbeads1515]

I wanted to rewatch this video because I needed to hear again how you perceived my reaction to your coming out to me. I think what went through my mind at first was maybe it is a phase. Young people often have trouble figuring out the world and where they fit in. Who really knows themself? So that thought may of went through my mind. I also think that when you are told something that you were not ready for, it's a lot to process. Maybe there was disbelief, maybe a little shock, but I could see you were serious. I may of thought, oh she read this in a book and it sounds like how she may be feeling about herself. You have always decided what you wanted and I hope that you always felt I supported your decisions. I can only guide you and give you advice, but ultimately your decisions are yours to live with. I think you are a courageous young women making her way in the world. I hope you will always know that you are loved and as your mom, I support you 100%. I was a little hurt that you thought that I was not understanding what you were telling me. We both are not good at expressing our feelings and we read things in how we deal with people that are not there. We are often hurt by others because of what we think they meant. I'm sorry about that. I am glad that you feel free to come to me and tell me things or ask advice. And I'd like to say to Enkin, acceptance is not an obligation. It is truly from the heart. I like to think that I am open minded, and understanding, but still human.

[@RhysezPieces]

It's nice that you took the time to explain your thought process. None of my business, but I like when people really consider the implications of their actions, even post-event. People react in different ways, but it's the end result that's the most important for both parties and I hope the end result was positive.

[@Enkineferous]

As far as parents go, to accept is an obligation. To understand is not. You're entitled to acceptance by your parents because you can't change what's innately hard-wired within the depths of your molecular mainframe (not talking about sex here of course). Understanding, however, is ultimately the best for everyone involved, but, like gender, there are 32 flavors of undoing a lifetime of blind ignorance. At least that's how I feel. Does that make sense?

[@akayisdrowning]

I'm going to come out as an asexual only when I move to another house and live far away from them. Because they're probably kick me out of the house when they found out. It's so sad to keep my sexuality as a secret. They always talk about how am I gonna have babies when I grow up. It hurts me so bad to have parents like that.

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

I'm really sorry that you're in that situation with them. Keeping secrets is hard especially when they don't need to be a secret. Hopefully your parents will come around to the concept or at least be neutral about it once any dust settles.

[@akayisdrowning]

@@ohtricaerontops4781 oh god sorry for seeing your comment so late. Thank you so much for the advise. I'm try my best to look like I'm agreeing with them but it's so funny how they always bring marriage in conversations it's weird. I think they found my secret pride flag hahahaahahs

[@kendickinson6045]

Hello.. I've been Asexual for about 12 years and I never knew that I was really.. I felt like an alien when it came to sex and my friends woul dtalk about it and it just wouldnt appeal to me. I just found out about Asexuality a week ago and I was like this is sooooo me. I've spent the last 6 days researching Asexuality.. I totaly identify with it. I've told my friends at work about it and everyone but 1 guy was accepting about it.. He was quite negetive about the whole thing but I dont care he's not really in my life unless I'm at work.. screw him.. But now I'm getting ready to tell my family.. I'm sure they might say something like "Ken your not asexual it's just the meds your taking." or something like that. But I spoke with my Doctor and she said it isnt related to my meds. But thank you for your video.. It gave me some things to think about when I break the news

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

Glad it helped you out a bit! Sexual attraction and desire have been so rooted to the human experience and we have built all sorts of beliefs and expectations around these experiences that people can't seem to wrap their heads around it. I'm super happy for you finding a word that helps you explain more about who you are! It is such a relief to feel like you are not the only one or not broken in some way when society really seems to reinforce otherwise.

[@theanimequest5332]

your story touched me but it kinda scares me because my parents are super religious and I'm afraid of coming out as Demiromantic asexual, I'm only 17 and even tho asexuality isn't a "sin" (not that any sexuality is) I'm afraid that they might react strange what do i do how to I tell them.please please help me the only one in my family that knows is my brother and he dose not even believe me what do I do. ps they are both christian pastors who pretty much HATE any one in the Lgbt community

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

I feel like such a jerk- I don't know how this slipped past me. I hope that if you did come out to them that you felt safe and ready to do so, or if you haven't that you don't feel guilty about it. You don't have to come out if you are not ready.

[@autumncooper7934]

Thank you, I looked for this everywhere!!!

[@abigailstewart9061]

I want to come out ad Asexual but whenever I try, my parents just tell me that it's me being a teen. Any tips?

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

Maybe try sharing resources with them? It can suck when parents don't get it, but if you've come out to them, you've done your part. You're still asexual and still 'valid' or 'enough' even if your parents don't understand. Maybe they just need some time and space?

[@poodlestyle33]

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope it gets even better with your parents.

[@magdalena4640]

Im pretty young and didnt tell them like it was big news when they talked about any relationships i would tell them and they say i used to say that all the time and my father tells me he wants a family, also, im so sorry that you felt hurt, i also feel hurt about how my family treats it. I want them to fully respect my decision. My dad also likes to make jokes like that but he dosent really mean it and he says he will try to support me but he wants me to be in a relationship! I feel like alot of people support lgbtq+ but dont put asexuality into it and disrespect it, i also feel like im alone sometimes, but i really hope that you are happy with your sexuality and happy you posted this because i felt so alone and like alot of people hate that sexuality. Thank you so much for this! I dont think people want to talk to asexuality with me. I just want to be supportted, and again, thank you for telling me this, and sharing your thoughts to me, i hope your family supports your desicion! Also i like seeing peoole happy in other relationships but dont want one myself.

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

Happy National Coming Out day! I think my family doesn't always understand it, but I know that they love me and will continue to support me in whatever way they think is best. Most days I am happy with my sexuality and I hope that you are, too. I'm glad this video made you feel supported in some way.

[@magdalena4640]

Oh Trisarahtops! Thank you! This comment and video both made me feel supportted!

[@whotookmyhandle]

Before my confirmation, I refused to be asexual. It didn't feel right. I thought it wasn't ok. But, I did my research and cleared my head, but I still am too nervous to come out to my parents. Only some of my friends know.

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

Take your time. You don't owe anyone any explanation of your sexuality. Only come out if and when it feels right to you.

[@moontasia9292]

I'm watching this because I am yet to come out asexual, I want to tell my family, especially my parents, but I can't seem to make myself bring it up. I keep watching videos like this one trying to find out how, and it's been really hard. This video and reading the comments on it have helped me though. I'm not sure when I will be brave enough to come out, but I'm not as scared anymore.

[@Potatocrime24-7]

I came out as asexual to my parents and they were OK with it but my mom and my grandma are always like "You just need to meet the right person" I've tried explain to them that thats not what it means but they don't seem to listen I understand that they are just trying to be nice and all but it gets kind of irritating and my sister makes it worse by telling me things like "You're not asexual you can't reproduce on your own," and telling me that I'm gay or lying regardless I love my family but sometimes it gets irritating I don't think they're toxic but uneducated about these kinds of things hopefully one day they'll understand

[@nah469]

im asexual and my parents are homephobic so i came out today and just imagine

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

I hope you have other positive and accepting people around you to lean on.

[@nah469]

yeah i do and shes transgender and bisexual so me and her get each other

[@nah469]

but honestly when she told me she wanted to be a boy im just like "OH MY GOD! YESSS I KNEW IT!" it was really funny

[@mariobarrera1406]

i totally understand.

[@doyouknowdaway4420]

I think I’m asexual but my parents are rlly homophobic and I’m just too scared to tell them.

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

Rosie Xx You don't have to come out to them or anyone if you don't feel ready or safe. Sometimes I wish I had waited longer before I came out to my Mom. I had only been identifying as ace for a few months and was less sure of myself and my identity. Sorry your parents are homophobic.

[@emmab508]

I’m trying to decide how to tell my mom and dad, I don’t know how to without it being awkward, or how to explain it in the best way

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

Good luck!

[@emmab508]

It actually went really well! My mom took a little but, the more I explained it the more she understood it all

[@leah9175]

Can someone help me? Is there a difference between not wanting to have sex and do any sexual related things (just want romantic relationships)and aesexuality? Like I can’t figure out whether I just WANT to not do those things or whether I’m actually asexual. I’m so confused right now about this

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

The difference is attraction. Do you feel sexually attracted to people? You can be sexually attracted to people but not want to have anything to do with sex.

[@leah9175]

@@ohtricaerontops4781 I don’t get sexually attracted to people, I (stupidly) didn’t think of that LMAO.

[@atlas5879]

I kinda don’t want to come out to my mom as Asexual. Especially after the talk her and I had in the truck the other day. So little background, I have come out to my mom multiple times. Once as Bi and once as Lesbian. I also in a way once came out as Pan, but I never directly told her she just saw the flag, asked about it, and I told her. And said she would always love and support me soo yeah. Plus she’s mostly supportive of the LGBTQ+ community. Anyways, I was bringing up a video about Asexual people that I had saw and they were being harassed and stuff. Her exact words were “It’s their life not ours” which doesn’t sound bad, until you hear what she says next. “Let people believe what they want to believe.” That pissed me off SO bad. Like your sexual orientation is not a belief! You don’t believe you’re straight, you KNOW you’re straight, so why is our sexuality a belief? The worst part is, even though her daughter is LGBTQ+ she can’t even be bothered to learn more about the community as a whole. And while she lets me go to pride events she never wants to come with me.

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

You don't have to come out to her unless you want to. But if it's going to cause issues in your relationship sometimes it's not worth it. I'm sorry that was her reaction. Sometimes when people don't know about something they say unflattering things. I hope you do what is best for you and your safety and wellbeing. Even though asexuality is still a label I hold onto 10+ years after telling my mom I wish I had held out on telling her just so I could have been more confident about myself, though that's still a work in progress.

[@atlas5879]

@@ohtricaerontops4781 I mean I want to. Especially if I’m going to be getting the Asexual flag soon, but I don’t know what it’s going to be like between my mom and I once I do. I know she’ll still love me, but I don’t want her to end up making a snarky comment if I do. I react poorly to that stuff especially when it comes to LGBTQ+ and then she gets angry at me for the way I react. I guess maybe I’ll come out once I get the ace flag and she questions it? Who knows. Anyways, thanks Sarah! This made me a feel a lot better. I’m glad when I find more Asexual people because I know I’ll always have them standing in my corner cheering for me.

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

@@atlas5879 Maybe work in some more education and positive things about asexuality. I think parents jump to "worst case" things (they're going to end up alone, they can never have a family, they won't ever experience love, etc etc). Showing them that asexual people are happy and fulfilled could help ease those anxieties.

[@atlas5879]

@@ohtricaerontops4781 Thing is, she doesn’t want to learn. She’s perfectly happy being content not learning about any of that. But I could try. And you’re about to hear this again, thank you Sarah! You really are the best! I’m sure you’re just flying by the seat of your pants when giving advice, and if you are it’s pretty good advice.

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

@@atlas5879 I understand the feeling. Hope you do what's best for you

[@trinab6173]

I was thinking about coming out to my mom as a joke kind of like what i saw on tik tok, i was going to burst into her room and yell SEXUAL INTERCOURSE ............ I DONT LIKE IT....... IM ASEXUAL And then just run off

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

That's one way I guess? If that's going to get the reaction you are hoping for, great. Believe me, I get that coming out is hard. My two cents though: If you're not ready to have an honest conversation with your mom and feel okay with whatever the outcome is, maybe you aren't ready to come out to her yet? By all means, you do you though. I just know even myself, I wish I had been more comfortable with the idea of my mom knowing and been more comfortable with my sexuality for myself before coming out.

[@stuffiguess5699]

I haven't come out of the closet yet any tips

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

Basically everything I said in the video. :) Only come out if safe to do so and you feel ready, if there is someone who is also lgbtq+ or you know they are accepting start there, and have resources.

[@stuffiguess5699]

@@ohtricaerontops4781 thank you for the tips I will use them thank you.

[@chelseasmith2603]

I came out to my parents as Ftm Transgender and asexual 2 years ago. They still dont support me whatsoever, *sigh* im slowly starting to give up on them.

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

Isaac Smith I'm sorry. Hopefully they will come around. Seems like parents need time to collect their feelings and let go of their imagined life for you. I guess it's maybe even like a mourning? I really hope they will come to support you in the future. It must be difficult. 😞

[@chelseasmith2603]

Oh Trisarahtops! Thankyou so much it helps to know that someone supports me, im hoping they will accept me in the future

[@wellwithmeri8222]

My mom thinks asexuality is "caused" by not having positive relationships with the opposite gender as a child and can be "reversed" with therapy... Needless to say I'm not out to her yet.

[@ohtricaerontops4781]

Has she never heard of gay people or is that opening a whole new can of worms? That's tricky. Sorry that you don't feel supported by your Mom re: being ace.

[@wellwithmeri8222]

She just doesn't think ace is a real thing :( luckily though I have amazingly supportive friends so I can kind of do without my mom's support

[@bazle3328]

Wait , why don't ppl still don't accept ppl being asexual , btw what dose asexual mean agian?

[@moontasia9292]

Asexual is the lack of sexual attraction for either opposite or same gender. A lot of people don't understand it because it doesn't make sense to them, that you don't like things that to them are normal things that everyone wants.