Competing in the Olympic Trials During ED Treatment

This video describes my personal experience with entering a partial hospitalization program for eating disorder treatment. At the same time that I was attending 10hr days in treatment and facing some of my biggest fears, I was also training for the US Olympic Trials. The success that I had experienced during the last 10 years of my life were built upon perfectionism and a need for control that manifested in an eating disorder. While facing my issues head on and confronting the reality that the way I approached training, fueling, and competing in my sport needed to change was difficult, it was also necessary. It was the most challenging time of my life, and, looking back, I truly don't know how I was able to get through this. I give full credit to the people in my life for providing unwavering support through every step of this process.
It is nice to look back now and know that I made it through, but at the time there was so much uncertainty around my future. I'm thankful that I took action when I did because it gave me a chance to have longevity in this sport, and that is something I fully plan to do.
00:00-00:30 intro
00:30-02:06 You Get What You Work For
02:06-03:24 Beneath The Surface
03:24-05:26 An Ultimatum
05:26-06:23 A Silver Lining
06:23-07:28 Positivity Can Only Go So Far
07:28-08:52 Portland Track Festival
08:52-09:41 "No Part of Me Wants to Be Here"
09:41-11:13 The Content Is What Cracked The Egg
11:13-12:05 Authenticity
12:05-13:59 The Olympic Trials Prelims
13:59-16:07 The Olympic Trials Finals
16:07-16:48 Bonus Content!

[@schoukri]

Allie I honestly believe you are saving people's lives by being so honest with your struggles with ED. You are a true inspiration.

[@topicdel]

100% this

[@kenzie4902]

facts. she saved my life. and continues to inspire and motivate me and so many others everyday.

[@allie_ostrander]

I am crying reading this thread. Thank you all so much.

[@allie_ostrander]

Sometimes I feel conflicted about sharing so much, but it's comments like these that remind me why it's so worth it.

[@ellenwoods3918]

@@allie_ostrander Please continue sharing your journey, ups and downs. Your battle with eating disorders is the toughest race of your life!

[@jrtrottier]

I got chills with this from your journal: "Today is not everything, but I will give everything today." Thank you for sharing your struggles and triumphs with the world.

[@allie_ostrander]

That line certainly hit different haha

[@tak-el-uc]

In one of your earlier videos detailing your struggle and recovery process with ED, you said that part of what caused it was people crediting your racing success to being small and light. This is a good reminder for us all to be careful and honest in our praise. Allie's early results weren't because she was small. They were the result of her being a talented runner who also trained as hard if not harder than her competitors. Sometimes we want to dismiss the hard work component (which we can all do if we want to put in the time and effort) and credit something else for other's success. Imagine if all those people who told Allie that she was doing so well because she was tiny, instead praised her for her work ethic and training.

[@allie_ostrander]

Being careful with words and praise so so important! I think that there needs to be a better understanding of how words can be interpreted and the long-lasting impacts they can make.

[@kaleimaile]

It is important that we watch what we say. I had a run coach tell me, “You will be faster if you lose weight.” 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️. ED’s are sometimes fueled by statements that Coaches make to their athletes.

[@MichaelMiller-wn4yf]

The micowave that beeps at the 7:30ish mark had me going to the kitchen and looking around!! I noticed my griddle was left on (I made pancakes for breakfast)! Your video "may have" prevented a house fire!! Thank you, Allie!! You can now put 'fire prevention expert' on your resume'

[@allie_ostrander]

Haha! This is definitely getting added to the resume.

[@kellywitty9553]

I can only imagine how draining 10 hours in "food school" was. An hour is long! You are so thoughtful and strong and brave. Keep fighting and so glad you are addressing and working through all this now instead of allowing the ED to share space and ruin you.

[@allie_ostrander]

Haha yes, an hour is enough to bring on emotional turmoil...the next 9 are just overkill lol

[@andreagomez95]

@@allie_ostrander I’m a little nervous because about to go into a full treatment center in 2 weeks that I think is more 24/7. But thank you for giving me hope that it’s worth it!!

[@restlesssouls1149]

In life sometimes "you have to have a breakdown, before you have a breakthrough" You've accomplished this and soooo much stronger than ever. Sky's the limit

[@chrisrudolph6535]

This should be required viewing for both athletes and coaches. This video could easily be included within a USATF coaching class. I have been really admiring your content in your videos. Very inspiring. I can't wait to see what you do next!

[@ryanbeck5604]

As someone relatively new to following along on your journey, this was all new to me. It's super impressive that you were able to overcome your eating disorder, whilst still being an elite athlete. Keep being your authentic self!

[@allie_ostrander]

Sometimes I forget that people don't know about this because I still see it as such a central part of what shaped me as a person. Thank you for taking the time to watch!

[@kirstieb8025]

ok, so WHY did you train for olympic trials when you were in treatment? i understand why but do you now see how toxic that was?

[@kirstieb8025]

*unhealthy

[@seventybuick]

My daughter battled ED in high school and college. She got better and now has a master's degree and is a ED therapist a Recovery Center in Houston. You can get better and thrive. You have a long life ahead, good luck, it does get better.

[@eggomymeggo730]

Honestly super proud of you for posting this content, it’s very real and very raw. ED recovery is one of the hardest things I’ve ever personally done, so I just want to say you’re not alone, and I’m rooting for you.

[@allie_ostrander]

So difficult! It’s still an ongoing battle to stay the course, but worth it.

[@dihydrogenmonoxide6231]

thank you for sharing this. it means more than you can imagine.

[@mandam8227]

Thank you for sharing this so honestly. I know it’s never easy, but thank you.

[@macgirl1234]

Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your story. You told it so well!

[@laurenaronson8289]

Thank you for being so brave and sharing your struggles and journey. Stay strong and keep being your authentic self! 🙌

[@johannamaha1118]

You being honest and open about this is amazing!

[@nro337]

Super impressed by your courage to release this to the world. Speaks a lot about how far you have come in your own headspace and approach to what it means to be a runner and influencer in 2023. Proud of you

[@uras1]

Thanks for always sharing the hard side of life, you inspire alot of people including me to just keep going. All the best for this year Allie 💛

[@patrik1345]

Great video, thank you for your honesty and i wish you all the best on your journey!

[@jasoncaporale6470]

Thanks for sharing, you’re amazing! This will help so many people.

[@amywalworth9068]

So great so great. Thanks Allie for sharing. You are such and inspiration!!!

[@ellaronci2703]

you are such an inspiration and you are so brave for sharing this. i know it will help so many people

[@make.it.rainer]

Such a powerful story- thank you for sharing!

[@gcklo]

I wish you the best of luck. A fan of yours. Hope you can enjoy your runs, your races and more importantly, your life!

[@khaubensak]

Keep doing what you’re doing! Thanks for sharing Allie ❤

[@d_legs5035]

This is a really great video. You can really feel the authenticity of this video. Thanks for making this and sharing your story.

[@sapphiregold4602]

Crying all the way through this video. Your vulnerability all the way through is inspiring. What you’re going through is not easy. Thank you for sharing. I cant wait to continue watching your journey

[@edi4530]

Thanks for your courage, Allie! And you are an outstanding storyteller too. Best from a fan in Norway🙂

[@emmarocheteau5788]

So proud of you Allie, and I really appreciate you sharing what must have been such a tough struggle

[@timothydean9407]

This video Allie, and your honesty, is exactly why you are my favorite runner!

[@noelle_eames]

Thanks for sharing Allie! You are an incredible person and runner , and You amaze me Allie!! 💖

[@matthewercolani1893]

My god what a beautifully done video. Thank you for sharing and deeply appreciate the inner strength required for this level of openness.

[@jamiet4573]

seeing your mom at the very end and knowing Spencer's mentality from watching his videos was a great demonstration of the people you have around you - truly a blessing, keep going and keep giving it your all!

[@abbieamavi]

First video I’ve seen from your channel, instant sub. Love how you speak out against perfectionism, EDs in professional sports, and so much more. Inspiring video, thank you for being so transparent!

[@Gary_sub3marathoner]

Fantastic, honest video. I wish you all the best, and I hope to see you smashing more PR's in 2023.

[@suomynonaanonymous]

Thank you for sharing your story, this video was so well done. You are amazing and so strong.

[@soonerjcb]

What a great young lady! Your YT channel is great, and you are a true warrior.

[@shadowwarrior2030]

Thanks for sharing Allie! Keep going!

[@taliacole4076]

Thank you for sharing! I don’t know you but you inspire me to run more & faster. I hope you are still on the road to fully recover. I’m wishing you all the best with your health but also your running. You got this ❤❤

[@tnan123]

Thanks for sharing. You're a inspiration. Keep it up!

[@bobfursey1193]

Outstanding Achievement, thank you for having the courage to share this story. I hope you continue to progress through to the next Olympics in the steeplechase 👍

[@joycec8]

I came to this channel for the Alaskan trail race journey, and I'm staying for the engaging, thoughtful, and important personal narratives you're sharing with us. It takes courage and thoughtfulness to share the ups and downs of life like this. You're really helping people who have their own life trials. Thank you. Keep up the great work! I wish you the best during your journeys!

[@aprilgarnett55]

Thank you for this vulnerable and honest depiction of your experience, and sharing something so difficult, but it will resonate with and help others!! Well done.

[@daviddejoie4054]

You Rock! Find your happy place. Stay awesome and you've succeeded Allie. Respect

[@seatownfan]

Allie, thank you for sharing this. Glad you feel comfortable doing so and I am sure it will help a lot of people. Glad you are in a good place in life and running right now. 🙂👍

[@alissonbrazilianrunner]

Congrats. A bunch of kisses and hugs from Brazil!

[@anniekayfitness]

Thank you for sharing this Allie! You really are a true inspiration and changing more lives than you even know! Also your Mom at the end is adorable 🥲

[@craiggardiner4047]

You are a champion. No one can understand ED treatment unless they go through it. Thank you for sharing

[@Undokn]

Allie you are really saving people with that.Thanks❤

[@jdougherty927]

Beautiful story! Thanks for sharing. No one is a failure until they quit

[@2010yourmomsaysshmow]

Ohhh sister, I want to give you a hug!!! Thank you for sharing your experience. Keep doing what feels best for you.

[@kdaze10]

You are such an inspiration! ♥️♥️

[@sxy4ward843]

One of the best KZbin videos I've seen.

[@MrsMiddleAtlantic]

Thank you for sharing your story 💙

[@LawrenceMeisel]

Inspiring story. You are a badass. Always be proud of doing your best.

[@ARTWV]

Hi Allie, I think your gonna have a great 2023. Try not to sweat the things you can’t control. God Bless

[@katiegemmell5851]

so proud of you, allie! one of the best role models in the sport for girls and young women! men, too!

[@danl2479]

Great voice over as well as narration. You're talented and a genuine communicater. Nice job!

[@Ella_CM]

The fact that you kept going even after going through the harsh world of having and ED is so inspiring. Thank you for putting your real self out there to encourage girls (and boys) who are struggling with themselves. Your running is so impressive and I'm so thankful you are doing better now.

[@chriscroteau931]

Proud of you, Allie. It takes a lot of courage to juggle prepping for the OTs with overcoming something as emotionally distressing as an ED. You're a champ in all of our eyes. 🏆

[@doragreen3887]

TY for sharing coming from a runner who has struggled with eating issues myself. I can’t imagine the pressure of competing at the highest levels though and the pressure you put on yourself as a high achiever.

[@smscraig]

“Authenticity “. Before you even mentioned it in this video, I was going to say that’s the quality I most admired in you. You are always so real and honest. I’m so proud of all you’ve achieved and overcome. And, what an amazing family and boyfriend you have been blessed with. Best wishes to you in the future.

[@allie_ostrander]

Thank you! That's the best compliment I could receive. Also, my support system is the best!

[@abbyruotolo9441]

Thank you for sharing your story ❤

[@danielthemaniel1697]

6:04 i’m blown away by the insight and maturity of this journal entry. your attitude is so valuable and will carry you far in life.

[@jenniferwight1879]

You are amazing and definitely an inspiration to other women and girls with ED!! ❤

[@LynnDavidNewton]

Allie, this is your magnum opus. Thank you for being you and for being so real.

[@user-cw3ii4hx7r]

Allie your channel is epic specially for your fellow athlete s .You are a Giant and so adept in your description of the (trap) that gets when your not looking !! Your form when you steeple makes me burst with pleasure. Rock&Roll ..

[@brigidia8218]

15:48 was a really beautiful way to put that. much love, great message, you are admirable!

[@kevinmshea58]

So great to see where you are today as you continuing working hard. Keep working as it surely is helping others. I think Mom’s move are starting line vibe and maybe Spence should also take some pointers.

[@trackclubbabe]

you are amazing allie! thank you for sharing your story. you're so honest & vulnerable and I trust this will reach any athletes who are struggling with this now who need encouragement & hope. rooting for you always. the best is yet to come.

[@allie_ostrander]

Thank you! Rooting for you too :)

[@topicdel]

What an inspiration. Thank you.

[@davidlookhart4207]

Love your content and the support Spence and your friends and family offer you. Go get it girl..

[@allie_ostrander]

Spence and my friends are the best for sure

[@anna911]

Thank you for posting your story. It means a lot to someone who's gone on a similar journey with running. Wishing all the very best for you

[@allie_ostrander]

Of course! I wish you the best as well!

[@wordmunger]

Thank you for sharing your story of recovery. Can't wait to see what happens next!

[@allie_ostrander]

Same! So excited :)

[@kimsloan3488]

You are an amazing role model for young female athletes. Thank you for your authenticity, strength & courage!

[@mytwosents]

You have a great supportive mom ❤

[@EmBee023]

Thanks for sharing your story ❤❤❤

[@megmalik9200]

Love this video & admire the honesty! You are so much more than just a great runner. You are a fantastic human being!

[@allie_ostrander]

Thank you!

[@megmalik9200]

Where did you get the quote “today is not everything, but I will give everything today”? That is just so awesomely awesome.

[@FloraBeverley]

Thank you so much for sharing this!! As I'm sure you've figured by now, you will/have already helped soooooo many people. If you've not already, I'd really recommend reading/listening to Good For a Girl (Lauren Fleshman) and How She Did It (Molly Huddle & Sara Slattery). They both talk really well about the pressures on young female athletes and I think every young runner should read them! Good luck on the rest of your journey

[@clairegale5492]

Thank you Alli for your courage to be honest and showing your authentic self. It’s never easy to put yourself out there for everyone to see. Just from seeing your recent videos, you seem like you are in a good place in recovery. It’s definitely a journey. Thank you for sharing your struggles, triumphs, and ongoing progress. 💕

[@allie_ostrander]

It's definitely still an ongoing process, but I am happy with the progress I have made!

[@christopherbrand5360]

Authentically awesome Allie! You are such a boss ;)

[@thomasphilyaw8593]

Besides all of us in youtube world loving and supporting you, YOU have an awesome family, boyfriend and core group there for you. We're in this for the long haul Allie!!!

[@allie_ostrander]

I sure do!! So thankful for that.

[@coco_bold]

That was some harsh moment that video of your training made me so sad glad you overcame it. All the good for you, you are a great inspiration. Those two races were amazing, being in the finals is by itself an impressive result, specially after what you were experiencing. Keep the good work.

[@allie_ostrander]

Looking back on some of that footage was tough because it was such a testing time in my life, but it's nice now that I know my life is so much better because of it.

[@liamfinnegan8085]

You are so strong and brave! Certified badass

[@Angreyelmo]

I really needed this, even thought I am going through something completely different it has helped so much ❤

[@allie_ostrander]

Glad it helped :)

[@EmilyJM12]

You are amazing and brave and strong Allie. Thank you for continuing to inspire us all and thank you for sharing your life so authentically. You are gold. Keep it up 🌟

[@allie_ostrander]

Thank you!!

[@donbracci2199]

Thank you for your transparency. I believe this video will not only help others but will hopefully be helpful to you as well. Keep up the great work in running and in life.

[@allie_ostrander]

It was helpful to look back and realize how far I have come :)

[@JohnAnderson-km1fb]

You are an amazing and authentic human being. Much love from your fans in Colorado. Have fun in 2023.

[@allie_ostrander]

Thank you!

[@Bananasyesyes]

Thanks for this! Your honesty helped me so much when I was struggling. Wish you all the best :)

[@allie_ostrander]

I'm so happy that I was able to help in some small way :)

[@bcrruns1085]

Great video. Tough to see how you struggled back then but clearly a stronger better version of yourself came out of the other side. You are champion in so many ways. Keep on struttin’

[@allie_ostrander]

I feel like I have become so much stronger because of this!

[@carsonmalleet4367]

Thanks for sharing Allie. I don’t suffer from ED but I do suffer from mental illness that can make training at my highest level REALLY hard sometimes. It always makes me feel better seeing that other high level athletes have mental breakdowns and rough patches. It takes a lot to share that side of your experience, so I thank you. I hope you’re doing a lot better! :)

[@allie_ostrander]

When you're struggling with a mental illness, it's so hard to performa at a high level because mental engagement is so important. I don't think people understand that the mental overwhelm isn't something that can just be turned off. I hope you're doing well!

[@eagle-eye29]

ED is most commonly used as the acronym for erectile dysfunction. You see it used to sell viagra all the time on tv. Just seems wrong to throw it around in a story about a young girl.

[@SpeedyBlueBiker1]

Damn Allie, that was one hell of a video! Thanks for posting it. You are so brutally honest. Wish you even more success!

[@allie_ostrander]

Thank you! 🤗

[@frankmarquez6934]

I admire your courage.

[@lindsaymichels2032]

You're an absolute badass and my inspiration.

[@CLTRunningR]

Thank you for sharing, I’ve struggled multiple times in the past, and I’m glad the topic is getting talked about more. You did such an amazing job impressing how you feel in words. I really resonated with this ❤

[@allie_ostrander]

I had a lot of time to think and find the right words lol...it's not easy to express. Also, even with how long this video was and all the journal entries I showed, I still feel like I barely scratched the surface of everything I have to say about this experience.

[@carmenblahey394]

You are a beautiful person Allie. Thank you for being so incredibly vulnerable and showing all your challenges....be they physical, mental or emotional. You truly are standing by your value of being authentic. I am so glad that you had such lovely people in your court while you were in treatment. Treatment for any mental health issue is absolutely exhausting and challenges you to the core. I went through in patient treatment for anxiety and depression...so I can relate to some degree. Sending you so much gratitude and

[@allie_ostrander]

Overcoming mental illness is so hard, I'm glad that you got the help you needed! I was sooo fortunate to have an incredible support system around me through the entire process--in treatment and after discharge--there's no way I would have gotten through it without them.

[@leaff_f]

this is absolutely phenomenal.. thank you for sharing this with us. you showing your raw emotions and the downsides of something that a lot of people think have no downsides. you’re absolutely amazing and so so so strong. ❤❤❤

[@allie_ostrander]

Thank you so much!!

[@debrahudson3334]

you are a God given gift to us all.

[@BalancedLightYoga]

Thank you for posting this. I am in recovery from a severely restrictive ED. I had the same situation as you. I had 3 stress fractures, one after another. And I kept coming back and thinking it was ok but my body couldn’t withstand my training + lack of nutrition. After my third injury (I was out for 16 weeks) I dived deep into recovery and gained healthy weight. I’ve been feeling a lot better but it’s incredibly hard. Recovery is so hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s so worth it in the long run. Much love to you and everyone else who is and has struggled with this disease.

[@allie_ostrander]

It is the hardest thing I've ever done, too. Hang in there and keep working!

[@Marymooau]

Thankyou for sharing this!! You will help save so many lives with your story. You are a strong amazing inspiring woman. Thankyou so much. Love from Australia 🇦🇺

[@allie_ostrander]

Thank you

[@SWTORDREKKIN]

Sweet little girl. Reminds me of my daughter. Thanks for sharing.