Controlling relationships

[@desireemccurdy3001]

it's a grooming tactic to make you a servant to them.

[@joannak.4436]

Yes, when it comes to children especially because they are learning so we need to teach them ways to redirect that to something better. Amen- I can relate!

[@Mushroom321-]

😳😳😾

[@evestar100]

Grooming? I don’t think that’s what he’s talking about here. I believe he’s talking about in an adult relationship.

[@search4answers849]

​@@evestar100 He is using the word grooming in a slightly different context...

[@aprillove10]

@@evestar100 Grooming happens all the time. Age doesn’t matter.

[@SuperStar-jr3nu]

There can be a very thin line between protective shelter and a confining prison.

[@mypersonaltestgia2704]

Truth! And a thin line it is! yet we know deep down which is which because with one you suffer, one you don't.

[@Mattriffe-vs3nl]

@@mypersonaltestgia2704 hi there 💕

[@JIMKOR]

This is so simply said, I wish I knew this before. So much of my husband’s behavior I ignored even if I felt uncomfortable or upset. Because anytime I voiced my concerns my family and and friends just said it’s because he loves you and cares about you. And I was overreacting.

[@pawankumar-ol6mo]

End of controlling topic,he or she is think about his respect and trust.we are leaving in the society we chance to in magic (any kind of trap)may be his fear, any person try to cheat her that s why his said don't do this ,that. Most of the boy s see their parents life and how they are.so their are expect that kind of relation.may be know one not accepte this , some sexvul fear also matters.

[@bootyqueen4651]

I appreciate this clarity. When someone is very controlling, it can look like care, but feel a bit over powering. Some people don't know when they overstep the lines 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@JamesMatthews-mc5bc]

A man allowed to do this booty queen especially if he is yo husband to . But you have to know that this is a good thing if he is leading you down the right path

[@pawankumar-ol6mo]

End of controlling topic,he or she is think about his respect and trust.we are leaving in the society we chance to in magic (any kind of trap)may be his fear, any person try to cheat her that s why his said don't do this ,that. Most of the boy s see their parents life and how they are.so their are expect that kind of relation.may be know one not accepte this , some sexvul fear also matters.

[@Mattriffe-vs3nl]

@@JamesMatthews-mc5bc hi there 💕

[@Mattriffe-vs3nl]

@@JamesMatthews-mc5bc hi there 💕

[@Mattriffe-vs3nl]

@@pawankumar-ol6mo hi there 💕

[@atomisticpartb525]

Oh So True!!! Watch out for those people who tell you they care about you---but their actions say something else.

[@mejuluperpetual5942]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 hyeeeeee I don see something in this world hyeeeeee God heaven only can say

[@Mattriffe-vs3nl]

@@mejuluperpetual5942 hi there 💕

[@shekitty9347]

Exactly

[@Inatfromdenmark]

Another way to test is try to say no to something they want from you.

[@rhondagreen1392]

This is the truth!

[@dianalynn6247]

Ouch and yes!!! I admit to being afraid to test that😢

[@hikarychan3997]

the punishment and passive aggressive rolls out. They squeeze you untill you give in.

[@rosanna-elizabeth]

​@@dianalynn6247That's another way to know you're in a toxic relationship. Fearing for the reaction of your partner. I've been there.

[@lasttofirst3335]

damn yes 😂

[@asedition8847]

This man and his wife have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen 👁️👁️

[@MissTaylorMade101]

Great point! I’ve seen this happen many times people pretend to care/love for you until they get you to the place of vulnerability that they want you.

[@Mushroom321-]

Horrible...

[@khankhalifa8555]

Control caring is making an individual dependent on you, emotionally, financially in whatever aspect it may be.Control care restricts one’s growth and potential. True care revolves around your betterment independently. “Give a man fish, you’ve fed him once, teach a man how to catch a fish, you’ve fed him everyday”. These people would rather give you one fish at a time so that they feel needed and that’s how they derive their self worth which is quite sad and a miserable way to live. Just be kind to them and don’t take it personally and encourage positive behaviour.

[@elizabethholley7755]

Sounds like a narcissistic mother

[@soiledskin]

💯 Perfectly said!

[@chanellaugustine7341]

How my grandmother was towards very very toxic and controlled my life even when I turned 24 she controlled my pregnancy and all it was weird she told me having a baby don’t make you grown being independent does which is stupid because she never taught me to be independent but to depend on people and now every one mostly fucking women telling me to stop depending on men when I’m reality they taught me to be codependent but I’m learning on my own now to be truly independent

[@TanyaZorn-lq7mr]

Thank you

[@TanyaZorn-lq7mr]

So sad

[@tourdfrance9263]

What the heck!! This is so well said Jay. Wow! I had to play it over and over to absorb it.🙏 for such wisdom that you have.

[@kathyjames386]

❤❤❤❤

[@risperauma2245]

True

[@lasttofirst3335]

same

[@bella3298]

Very true

[@julie3722]

That isn't wise because that what he is saying has nothing to do with care and people can differ being pushed and someone who cares for another. He has actually no point, he just want to talk about rubbish.

[@lisaaxios7977]

I felt this in my first marriage. I was unaware and the “care” it was truly control. It only got worse over time.

[@MihirPrajapati_]

Same thing happened to me also

[@rubikscube6722]

Same me too!

[@pawankumar-ol6mo]

End of controlling topic,he or she is think about his respect and trust.we are leaving in the society we chance to in magic (any kind of trap)may be his fear, any person try to cheat her that s why his said don't do this ,that. Most of the boy s see their parents life and how they are.so their are expect that kind of relation.may be know one not accepte this , some sexvul fear also matters.

[@MelissaGonzalez-sr2if]

My husband used to do this to me in the early years of our marriage when I didn't know how to stand up for myself and not let him manipulate me. If only I would have been stronger back then, I would have achieved so much in my life. Thankfully, I am no longer blindfold

[@lindahamilton3234]

Please don’t beat yourself up. The most educated people in the world have been taken in by narcissists. And narcissists have been taken by other narcissists. Try to find a way to be grateful for the life lesson and then live in today as best as you can. I’m trying to do just that. I don’t want a narcissist have the power over me now that I’m on my own.

[@MelissaGonzalez-sr2if]

@@lindahamilton3234 Thank you so much for your kind words!! I really appreciate them

[@melina-clarke]

So how did you get over it? Like do you have any tips? Are you guys still together and is the relationship better?

[@MelissaGonzalez-sr2if]

@@melina-clarke We are still together. Our interactions are different now. I have done (and still do) a lot of work on myself and I realized I am a giver and he is a taker. I learned how to detach when needed and how to stand my ground even when and if he does not like it. I no longer do things to please him or to keep him happy and I also stopped setting myself on fire just to keep others warm.

[@jeanettee6828]

So true. My ex’s favorite line for me when I would try to do things on my own would be “you can trust me and depend on me to help you. I love you and am always looking for your best interests.” Mind blowing looking at it from the outside now 🤯

[@MAYWAHITO]

This is my ex husband

[@RevealedFilms]

@@MAYWAHITOnow you’re independent and jaded, I’m sure you were hot stuff back in 1995.

[@sillygirl1139]

The way to tell is to say no and see what happens

[@eunicetemienor5986]

That's true😂😂.

[@nithyar659]

Yes true

[@michellearai1466]

Be it in a family dynamic, friendship, or workplace.. be cautious and observe unusual patterns in people. Kindness can sometimes be a door for manipulative people to perform and operate an agenda to groom certain individuals to prevent them from seeing their potential and importance. Be careful who u TRUST . Don't be so naive. Plan your escape . 😊

[@michellearai1466]

@tannypats2884 good 👍 for you. It's a tough choice to stand for yourself especially if it happens in a workplace. Just be mindful of the environment you are in. If you are working with toxic people don't settle ... Find one that will help you grow and feel good about yourself. A place where your voice can be heard ... and make you feel you are a part of that unit and not just a shadow.

[@martinwegner9802]

That’s why in nowadays you only help if you are asked. I stopped caring for most people and it works

[@darkpumpDP]

Some parents do this to their children and call it tough love, which they have hugely mistaken (intentionally or not).

[@kudai9557]

Very very true! The children are the worst victims as they suffer all their life

[@darkpumpDP]

@@kudai9557 yeah, the unfortunate ones, not all tho.

[@manisthemeasure2205]

Tough love is the opposite of dependence.

[@ruthmccarthy8281]

Agreed!

[@erikawithee]

@@kudai9557 yes I have suffered my entire life 💔😭✝️

[@nonstopnj]

dis is where people confuse with care n control.they think they r taking care of us but actually they want to control us.

[@nonstopnj]

Abhi shake hand

[@kamilkarnale6010]

People having wisdom can understand the difference between care n control!

[@ruthmccarthy8281]

The only people who "care" about me have only ever tried to control me. I have absolutely no one it's incredibly lonely and depressing

[@soulthriver-oz6470]

Same, nobody.

[@rahawa774]

Me too…

[@peacetoyoumyfriend1535]

There is someone, YOU.

[@Sky_TEC_Illustraition_Systems]

You have your dog

[@nicolettelivingston3797]

❤

[@876tisha]

To be honest I think most people do this without even knowing it.

[@alexo1792]

Yea subconsciously

[@bhunag9383]

​@@alexo1792 they feel compelled to do it bcoz they think that's d only way they can survive/have decent life

[@laraibdin]

​@@bhunag9383 what are you supposed to do if you find yourself in the receiving position?

[@moniquejonescomedy]

Run!!! It’s a narcissist! Or don’t receive their care. Boundary up!

[@--xx--5800]

No, not most people do it. If someone is genuine, then even if he sometimes does it unknowingly then once you let them know, they will never repeat the same behaviour again but in cases of the narcissist they don't stop doing it. Never ever !!!!

[@manjisthaable]

Clarity with which he speaks is commendable .. exactly the way you figure out the diff

[@michellefreeman9886]

It like a game to them, they act like they have your back and only does this so later they can get what they want from you and will never question it.

[@barbaraschultz1442]

After the age of 18, it’s called communication and setting boundary’s.

[@VSCNDED]

Love you Jay. The amount of wisdom in your soul is beautiful. I hope we can all become the values you share

[@praveenasenan6338]

First it is control in the form of care,finally leading to total control .Well said Jay.

[@sharilynfritz247]

Yep! Had a guy do all kinds of handyman chores for me. He'd show up, look around, snif the air to see if I'd had some other guy around.😊

[@avantibarve2692]

Very true...they hurt n they care...n forget the hurt n only see their care...it's not actually care it's controlling...n they start caring when u stop caring about them...all manipulating ways...

[@marmeg1118]

Also the first sign of this is when you can feel something isn’t right and just feels wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Then ask yourself what he is advising here. Ask is this care about me really? Are they truly deeply concerned? How is this going to benefit the other over me and my best interest? You’ll get your answer and realize they are manipulating and deceiving you in the situation at hand and they are very selfish people. Get away from people who don’t love you or care about you.

[@aaronjohn6586]

Yep, just like the fake concern or compassion at one's place of work. Boss/Manager may care but what they really care about is you showing up for your work and performing your duties.

[@darkpumpDP]

Still better then them treating you like garbage. After all, a company is always for profit, so a little bit of fake caring is still better than none. The shitty thing is when they or the coworkers treat you nice WHILST Stabbing you in the Back, that is toxic.

[@queenofthenile2485]

I am your boss, not your boyfriend, friend, husband, or therapist. Why would I give you that level of care for nothing in return? I think this explanation excluded business relationships.

[@bhunag9383]

​@@darkpumpDP on d spot 👏👏

[@bhunag9383]

​@@queenofthenile2485 exactly. That applies to family too. Children should care for their parents in old age. It is not a business deal when patents try to put you in d best educationsl institution, get d best clothes, etc. It is done out of love.... not so that one day they will return it in d form of care in old age...

[@billydeverauex2487]

YOU'RE NOT A TOOL OR A APPLIANCE NO ONE CAN TURN YOU OFF, NO ONE PICK YOU UP AND HANDLE YOU AT THEIR FREE WILL!!!!

[@TakeBackYourMind997]

Great point. I feel like it's worth saying that you probably need to communicate how you like to be cared for to your partner, otherwise they will most likely get it wrong by your standards because we're all different and show care in different ways. Having that conversation will probably make it easier to tell if they're controlling as well, because if the way you like to be cared for doesn't serve their selfish motives then they won't do it, that's not conclusive enough on it's own to define them as controlling, but it could be a helpful indicator.

[@juliepoolie2129]

True … and if we grow up with neglect co dependency feels like altruism - and it’s hard to listen to your gut “ Their intentions are not for you ! “ lol 😂

[@Freespiritedqueen]

Yep

[@zanagriffith7378]

Our daughter fell for that, now she is so controlled that she has absolutely No contact with her parents. Please put her in thoughts and prayers to your higher power for her to wake up to this reality. Also, for all others who are in the same situation.

[@lindaboulanger8239]

I am in this exact scenario! All the bully tactics . To “survive “ I have broken ties. The anger I still harbor amazes me. The treatment bullies utilize in order to conform the environment is relentless and can destroy one’s mental state. It will not go away. Never stop. One must guard this threat of mental destruction. It is a game to the bully. Remove yourself for your safety💝

[@maranatha77]

I’ve watched this probably 100 times! Thank you!!! Sometimes there’s a serpent’s head hidden behind the dove… If we wait long enough, we’ll see it.

[@Ruth-vy1qj]

His words are full of wisdom. I hate controlling people get help with ur insecurities. Remember the more a person is insecure the more a person will be insecure.

[@jai9952]

Would you mind explaining? 🤔 Controlling people get help with your insecurities as in?

[@Xestra37490]

I agree it’s a sad world it’s hard to trust anyone even if their intention is good. How can you trust them? I can’t I’ll be nice to them but won’t be close to them;( it’s a scary world

[@cathleenmutnick6857]

1st husband bought me a car when I was in college. Aha moment: convenient for me to come to him!

[@himanganapanwar3832]

Totally agree.....my parents are control freaks(as most of the Indian parents are) and they always try to control me and my sister......

[@kevinlt69]

Jay. Thank you for this distinction.

[@adelalaird6318]

Absolutely “ convenient to them” that’s the truth .

[@daniamadrid3657]

I had to listen several times to fully grasp the meaning of your words and, you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT‼️Thank you 🙏🏻♥️

[@philippamediwake1235]

Love is about compromise, give & take ❤

[@emmarose9466]

Sometimes the control care can aim for your betterment but it'll never be constant. That's when a relationship is hard to leave, when we get full from crumbs of love/ attention/ interest etc... Just an add on!

[@FindYourFree]

facts

[@darlenelawson1255]

It’s difficult whether they are helping you or helping the other in a situation. It took many years to realize that I was being suffocated and someone held me back. Birdie in a Cage….😌🦋

[@user-ou3zo4kx3z]

It is so easy to get caught up in fake Care... True words spoken

[@christmaslove-xr5fl]

It's a fine line and it's produces a desperate need for boundaries and respect

[@thewill-coachdewill-coach9337]

It's so complex. Some are not willing to better themselves, so the carer will be blamed to control them and be humbled to take further care of them, since they don't step up...

[@alisonpham767]

You cant know without a while of it happening. They can give you care for years, and it looks like it. However, they can abuse in other ways so that no one will know theyre doing it, becauze theyve cared for you for so long. And its so confusing, because while trashing you and making you look entitled and helpless and hopeless, they look so loving.

[@Mushroom321-]

😬😾

[@Elsie144k]

❤

[@jamesmeagher7912]

So true! Took care of Seniors for decades. I would be put in place to take over from people he just described!

[@lindakilmer2548]

This is a very important point. He’s describing manipulation and it usually catches people off guard because, after all, they’re being “so nice”. Narcissists are really good at this form of manipulation.

[@shalomkasongo]

Extremely powerful and true! 🙏🏽

[@kiwiboyize]

Governments during covid 19! But also relationships do the exact same hes spot on. I love my mum to death but shes defo guilty of this.

[@dianenietolopez8624]

My sister helped me move back to my hometown and she did just that. I lived with her for 5 months until I got my own place. After I settled in she didn’t stop. I started going to a support group and my therapist helped me so much. Not only is she controlling she’s narcissistic. In the support group I learned about boundaries and boy did I get with it quickly. I used to get really bad anxiety just with the mention of her name. But I’m getting better about being mindful and just staying far away from her as much as possible. I really enjoy these videos. So helpful. Thank you so much really appreciate your words.

[@adriandejesus4473]

absolutely hes right !!!! I WAS IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP AND IT WAS CONTROLLING MANIPULATION ISOLATION IT WAS HELL!!

[@araa_n9348]

Been through it, and that’s exactly it, care so u are convenient for them

[@patriciasnyder1192]

Let’s not be fooled by manipulators it’s a lot of manipulators out here today

[@sheriecemalone2155]

I just said this to day, I let a 10 year friendship go last year. So my husband asked me do I miss her because she was like a mother figure. I said I love her and I wish her the best but I don't miss her not one bit. The way she played on my brokenness to serve her, everyone was telling me but it wasn't until I grew up, I was so excited I wasn't broken anymore! I was free! But she was mad 🤔

[@EliseGiammanco]

Her anger is very telling! Wishing you peace and liberty for the rest of your years

[@vanessaellewilde991]

I definitely have participated in this cycle as a parent - and experienced it in relationships. Just a powerful way to say this

[@manjulikabhattacharjee457]

True, and this doesn't get identified often or enough.

[@Cat54867]

The medical field of today. You must do it their way or NO care. This is the lesson I learned two weeks ago. I shall have no agency. I am forced to surrender to every test if I want to possibly request pain meds in the future to keep me comfortable when I am in the process of dying. Hope that is clear.

[@JamesWilliams-kk6ff]

Spoken TRUTH my Brother 💯 FACTS

[@mellowcore]

This is so relevant. So many ‘caring’ people like this.

[@joebucket1471]

My parents in a nutshell

[@apureenergyme8573]

Oh yeah. I had a “ friend “ like that. She is supper empath and very caring. But little time spent with her, you will know all of her supper caring is asserting her control. She needs to cook for you, she needs to go out with you if you want to go out, she needs to plan the day for all of us because it has to be on her schedule to fit her cooking for us, she needs to make sure we all there eat her food. She eventually reviewed her toxicity by projecting her own codependent on me. I cut her off. She might not a narcissist, but she has same level of the toxicity and emotional messed up as a narcissist.

[@FPT84]

It all comes down to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of surprises. Fear of not knowing what's going to happen next because can't cope in UNPLANNED situations where preparation is required for every detail. It's all FEAR

[@shayannesmith3953]

I had the same experience. Turns out, when the first “no” I told her she cut me off her life. The sad thing was that I thought she my friend because she helped out in times I had no one else around me.

[@FPT84]

@@shayannesmith3953 Maybe she expected receiving back the level of help she gave you when you were in need and that hurt her and she decided to leave because she felt the level wasn't matched/matching up. It's about give and take too. 1 can't be the 1 CONSTANTLY taking because thats selfish too and the people who give have had enough of giving when they're not receiving anything back. That's not HELATHY relationship. I understand why she'd leave situation

[@marshamcdonald7618]

A lot of women sometimes men use food to entice Her victims.

[@jorsavbia]

​@@shayannesmith3953Te ayudaron en tu peor momento o momentos, te contuvo, estuvo contuvo y tu no fuiste capaz de dar lo mismo. No merecías una amiga de la altura de ella. El egoísmo de no esforzarte hará correr a cualquiera.

[@kalindieklavya]

I cannot convert my thoughts in sentences. Like This.

[@MariaBarbosa-pt2cc]

He just has an amazing way of explaining things, it just makes so much sense and you begin to wonder why you never thought about it like that.

[@jenniferbruns2432]

😵‍💫🥶😳 you just described the situation I am in and trying to leave. 😢

[@aries4503]

Same same❤

[@Elsie144k]

❤ be strong 💪🏼

[@dedee5634]

You can do it, start practicing life without him. Just take baby steps if you only watch movies with him start watching Netflix without him. if you use to him putting gas in the car, go without him and put your own gas. If he pays the phone bill find out how much it is and pay your own phone bill.

[@dedee5634]

@jennifer Bruns put a recorder in his room that will motivate you to leave him even quicker, trust me I did it. I started to question everything after I heard this fool cheating but I need to hear it for myself

[@jenniferbruns2432]

Thank you everyone 💓 this is refreshing to have authentic support!

[@shanaazshaik1966]

Thank you Jay ...good advice

[@B0ssMom]

Truth- always felt suffocated and guilty for being a stay at home mom to my babies. I was taken care of with condition & extremely controlled. He didn’t like how much i loved staying home raising my family - he wanted me to be miserable and unhappy. His “I’ll take care of you” was conditional. 10 yrs HAPPily divorced.

[@reenagreen6644]

Sooo true .Most people control you through appearing nice so that there is no actual reason for you to push them off.

[@876tisha]

This is what democrats do to blacks control care. They present it like care but it comes with so much stipulations.

[@raquelfigueroa5539]

Sooo true!!!

[@wandawinstonwinston8513]

oooooooh that’s deep I got cared about when I cared about anybody not just him made you feel used and that’s an uncomfortable feeling they never saw it but I expressed it 😮

[@rosezful5241]

Oh, everyone needs to hear this!

[@ruthsingh9058]

That’s a good question

[@buddhaneosiddhananda8499]

This is exactly what the medical profession do...

[@mojojojo9778]

how relatable it is

[@susanlanderson7502]

You got me through the worst time of my life thank you

[@TracyAtwood-ft8ov]

It’s the WORST. When I was at my lowest, the “care” was torture.

[@Seeyoudowntheroad-travel]

I needed to hear this

[@vishanmangar4108]

No one can't control anyone when they have self-controlled

[@mythilichockkalingam9307]

No … selfishness in relationships makes this to happen for their survival

[@merrykaczmarek3757]

This was my mother. She cared for me with her control, there were many gifts and a price to pay, and I was stunted in my growth. And I see that my mom was so scared and fearful and soothing and protecting herself to make herself feel good. She was showing the most compassion for herself and loving me the only way she knew how. It’s taken along time (I’m 63) but because of ACIM, I understand, and “an ancient hatred has turned into a current love” thank you to myself for not giving up, and thank you mom! You are a gift.

[@samspiritual]

I loved this message, so many people do it and than get angry when you show them the reality

[@DivineVelvet]

It came up in different places, Government, office units, religious institutions, and family structures. The realization came to me after 53 years. We face the evil that dwells in us in great quantity or in small quantity. Only truth can overcome evil. Showing consistant truth, regardless of what it costs, is the hardest thing a person can do. Real.

[@user-xe7lt7mp1d]

100% you are CORRECT! PERFECTLY RIGHT!

[@LPS-yp1ly]

wow! a complete eye opener!

[@mariefender703]

Thank you Jay! Well said.

[@joannebynum2483]

Gone Jay Shetty...You hit the nail on the head!!!

[@hema1183]

Absolutely correct, I have been thru this and it took years to realise it! Working on coming out of it is the most difficult part

[@BelovedbyAdonai]

I was just talking about this subject yesterday and today.

[@joannebowler8289]

This is so true, I’ve had this situation in my family but the person who is being taken advantage off doesn’t see it!

[@bettywhitelouie1868]

❤true when ur too comfortable, it usually is control to make u stay with them.

[@emiliaa6175]

Yup. My husband will serve a very confusing Word salad circular argument full of anger, rage, blameshift, then gaslight until I’m utterly exhausted and emotionally worn down. Then he will give the silent treatment until I’m just not talking anymore and then he’ll take care of things around the house, take care of my car but won’t pay attention to the issue that I made clear initially. It’s just a mind F and I want out.

[@navyaj1054]

Well said man , everyone should give it a thought

[@AliceBg-yh4or]

What is really troubling is the imaging of perception of self we can find online about ourselves vs the content of our own perception we set about ourselves online to actual testimony of our life and experiences. With today social media is controlling our image to others opinions while we post our own and none of that shows the testimony of faith and evidence of actuality. Control in a health care industry during social media explosion is a serious painful issue today

[@Reality_check10]

I knew this as a child! Being able to read people is a very useful tool indeed.

[@jerilynbrink4736]

You have very beautiful eyes sir❤

[@tapiteasy]

He is correct. He is also gorgeous!

[@richardjaffe9972]

Don’t deny the care from someone you need. It’s about you. If they are gaining something it shouldn’t matter, even if it was never their intention to help. 😊