Coping with being a Parentified Child

[@anner.5347]

People tell me GROW UP and STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. No one "felt" for me as a child and now as an adult I'm told I can't feel sorry or sad for me either.

[@007Fusiion]

Felt like I skipped the ‘growing’ stage and went straight into adult/responsible mode.

[@audriiiiroberts3030]

@@007Fusiion right. Like what about being 15, 16, 17 and having some guidance and room to grow? 25 and I’m just now realizing I’ve been lost for a while now.

[@hannahi9355]

I know what you mean. My aunts and uncles blame me for what my caregivers don't do. Its so crap.

[@MaSTerKNivEE]

Some People just have no idea about how they were blessed compared to others suffering. Cry it out if you need to. But remember you can also create something positive from bad experiences. Don't give up. Brofist

[@marina2150]

Exactly. That's so hurtful.

[@ASLAnissaOfficial]

I’ve find that often people justify parentification due to necessity. But separating what had to happen from what should happen for a healthy mind and self is the fine line that can take time to accept.

[@Katimorton]

I agree :) Thanks for sharing! xox

[@PRoseLegendary]

ASL Anissa are you a CODA? My parents are both Deaf and I've realised how much they depended on me to interpret for everything, and how much they expected me, as a "hearing" person (even though I was still a kid), to explain the world to them. Even though interpreting for my parents was necessary. But it sucks that I didn't get to be a kid.

[@hannalyzethis]

PRoseLegendary have you seen the film Family Belier? Cried so hard to that film.

[@milfsfilms]

im emotionally a parentified child. i was fully aware and even involved with my parents' marriage drama. i mean i was with my mother when she literally _stalked_ my father to catch him cheating and she told me how the other woman looked like compared to her and all that. i was so conflicted as to if it was really necessary for me to know this

[@madisongrace4851]

Isabela Louise wow that’s striking chords with me. Very relatable. Definitely unnecessary for a kid to be involved with, I’m sorry that happened to you.

[@ka-im5nd]

My mum constantly relies on me for emotional support, but I can't rely on her for the same thing. So she'll come bursting in crying talking about how stressful everything is and how awful it is looking after kids and how it's everyone else's fault, but if I need supporting or if I'm not around to support her she flips out. Like the night before my first exams, she yelled about how she wanted to get a divorce with my dad and how we'd lose the house. This wasn't even true: 7 months later and they're completely fine. She got angry and was lying to me because she feels she needs control. Obviously, I did terrible in my exams because of this. I ended up having a panic attack mid exam the next day because all I could think about was what would happen if we lost the house. BleH. So yeah, it can suck being constant emotional support. Sorry you've had to go through that, both of you +Isabela, + Madison.

[@naarac.5046]

@@ka-im5nd same w me. And my mom used to take me everywhere so my dad wouldn't think she was cheating cause he used to be paranlic. Now my mom is getting paranoic after all of. These years. Everything sucks

[@jediknightnamek]

Damn! This hits a bit too close for comfort. The details might vary but the essence is scary accurate for me. I wish you the best Isabella and the other commenters.

[@MsLaurithaa]

Great video! I think most people don't realize how detrimental this can be to a child! What hurts me the most is that my parents will never acknowledge how much I did for them or how much of my youth was lost over that.

[@alanabear2736]

THANK YOU! They literally just can't see it. I was forced to raise my siblings from the age of 8. I have 4 of them ranging from an infant to 6. I had to cook, clean, make sure my siblings were up for school, and got to sleep on time, help with homework, ect. But was still called an ungrateful good for nothing when I had the audacity to forget to put my dad's clothes in the dryer.

[@selineboland8262]

Alana Hilliard I think we are the same people. I went through the same thing but I have five younger siblings. And an older one but she is treated like a princess and can never do any wrong. No 6 year old should know how to use or have to use a washing machine

[@evanjones5790]

LeylaLMP I feel you I get blamed for stuff that happened when I was under 18 and I’m 19 rn still trying to figure shit out

[@urltima]

I've been wondering for years what's been wrong with me and finally discovered it in this video. I was parentified. I was the emotional support of my mother and sister which meant that my emotions regardless of severity was pushed to the side for 18 years. Once I moved out and was allowed to actually started experiencing my own emotions, I went overboard and just exploded with all the emotions I never showed as a kid. This was so hard on my boyfriend becayse he couldn't understand but I'm so glad he did his best to help through that time. I'm in the grieving process right now where I long to have the childhood I never got. My emotional growth stopped at about 5 or 6 I would imagine. So I cry about child like things. Like when I can't tie my shoe as tight as I want or my clothes are bothering me or my stuffed animal gets lost. Those are my childlike anxieties that I should have already experienced but since I didn't I'm experiencing them now as a 21 year old. It's embarrassing for me to expose that to other people but I'm glad my close friends understand. It's a lengthy process. I've only been recovering for 4 years but it's worth it becayse there's a point where you can sort of regress in private and play with toys or experience that childhood for a few minutes and it feels like a breath of fresh air to do so I encourage anyone who goes through this to act on those childlike behaviors as long as they aren't unhealthy. Go watch Clifford. I do. Go treat yourself to that you you wanted as a kid but never got. Buy yourself a blankie. Indulge and treat yourself to the childhood you always deserved.

[@emilyelk9372]

Thank you for this!

[@evanjones5790]

Chunky But Funky 😎 that’s crazy I was thinking about my mom and sister watching this video

[@rememberhilde]

Thanks I really needed this and it does so well to know someone else is experiencing sth similar. Wish you all the best 🌷

[@katv530]

I completely relate to this - if you don't mind my asking, how are you doing now in your healing process?

[@sandrinelaberge8136]

I relate so much with you. I am happy you are finding ways to heal and to let yourself grow emotionally. I was also a parentified child but I have so much difficulty connecting with my emotions, even thought I am not with my parents anymore. I feel stucked within my defense mechanism, I can't let myself be :'). But your story gives me a sense of reality, because you've been recovering for 6 years (now) showing it takes a lot of time. I hope you still do well. And, as Kat V asked, I would also be interested in your healing process if you are confortable with sharing it :).

[@rory3155]

I had no idea this term existed and I genuinely feel my life has changed.

[@hilol9358]

I am so happy to find this term It explains exactly how I feel

[@robinsky139]

I feel the same way.

[@danriverso1053]

I came across this a few months ago and it explains everything for me!

[@Pamven]

I found out about it and everything in my life suddenly makes sense..

[@sumsumb4004]

Why do I feel guilty for saying that this happened to me? Ive always been told that it's just "doing my part". I have seen multiple therapists and the only thing I've been told is that it will end when I finish school. I finished a week ago and now I'm absolutely miserable because I am tired of waiting for it to happen. Even though I know it won't just happen in one day I still fear that it won't end.

[@audriiiiroberts3030]

You’re the light you’ve been waiting for at the end of the tunnel. If you see this, write it down on a sticky note and put it on a mirror or somewhere else you will see it often.

[@jclyntoledo]

@@audriiiiroberts3030 Damn 😳 I have never heard this saying before

[@strangeaslife]

Have you seen an emotionally focused therapist? My therapist is emotionally focused and she has talked to me about being a parentified child and has helped me a lot. She also talks to me a lot about noticing how my body is reacting to emotions.. Maybe you need to find the right person to help you. Best luck.

[@madeinussr7551]

Give yourself time and take it easy. Be responsible but one day move out and experience life

[@scottburton4479]

No one wants to think ill of their parents and you’re going to feel bad potentially due to the fact you had to take care of them as a child. I feel like the most mature in my family due to me having to do this myself. I never really fully felt like a kid growing up and almost feel like I’m the parent to them. My dad’s incapable of admitting when he’s done something wrong so I try to explain it and he starts screaming and getting in my face, while I try to deescalate the situation but he didn’t like the question I presented so now I’m the problem. It’s rough feeling like I have to tolerate because they’re my parents but they’re doing that same emotional game to me again, stating that these were our best memories, and some were but what about me feeling like the emotionally sound individual within the household and I’m forced to be the therapist. I hadn’t talked to them really in months until yesterday. It’s almost like they can’t stand that I don’t need them really, but that’s where my guilt lies. Sorry for the long response just it does make a person feel guilty.

[@dawngreenwood6034]

I have bipolar 1 and my depression gets severe but I force myself to get up and take care of my kids. If I have to fake it so they are taken care of I will. I never want my kids to feel the way I did. I want them to enjoy their childhoods not have to worry about me.

[@adrianbrogan1061]

Donnettia Mayer you're a trooper and an inspiration! 💕 keep fighting and doing the right thing! You won't regret it

[@dawngreenwood6034]

Adrian Brogan thank you.

[@sapphire8644]

Maybe you could Take a day off for yourself and your kids. It will give you time to do something for yourself and take your kids out somewhere they like to go that’s fun with a trusted adult.

[@Christian-ir2mb]

I used to be a people pleaser on a maniac level, now I see why. I don't remember much from my childhood, but I find myself wanting to talk about it to understand how much of what happened was my fault

[@Katimorton]

I am so glad that you are talking about it.. that's how we figure out what really happened and how we felt and currently feel about it. xoxo

[@Christian-ir2mb]

Kati Morton thank you ^^, not having the finance to afford therapy your channel is really helping me grow.

[@mllerosediamant]

My parents are always bickering and trying to make me pick sides. I literally feel like a nanny dealing with two bratty kids.

[@crystalz1930]

My mom used me as emotional support. When I was growing up, I remember her telling me she was very depressed and wanted to kill herself. It happened all the time. It made me feel like it was my fault somehow. Or that I should try harder so my mother doesn't want to die.

[@jesseward568]

My parents would do this to my sister. Now, in adulthood, she runs the family business while dad plots revenge on former companies. Mum said to me "she's finally paying us back forvthe pain she caused us when she was a teenager"

[@evah6308]

Same.

[@spanditapanda]

Same.

[@PlayerTenji95]

@@jesseward568 that’s so bizarre, wow.

[@katejohns3284]

Oh I'm so sorry, yes mum mum had the same conversation with me... she's bipolar I find it hard even now to work out how much I should excuse. I've recently told her about what she said to me and all I got was "I don't remember that".... not sure what to do next.

[@walayssaart]

Wow, this video was made for me. I am 19 and my sister is 10, and I've been taking care of her since I can remember. My mom had to leave the house really early to work and had to stay away all day. I was the one to cook, clean, do laundry, walk my sister to school, everything. Currently it's pretty much the same and it's has been killing me from a very young age, but, to everyone, it's fine, because I am a "perfect daughter". To play the role of a mother for my sister has actually developed in me a fear of getting pregnant and having my own kids, this idea terrifies me, and I dont wish to be a mother because, in a way, I already had this experience. Kati, thank you so much for this video, I felt deeply understood.

[@Shabtisinger]

It's so good you recognize this now and I hope it makes healing easier! It's absolutely okay to not want to have kids, for whatever reason. Society often is harsh to those that make that choice but if you are interested in a community that would support that decision, explore "childfree" forums.

[@Katimorton]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am so sorry that you had to go through that, and I am glad that this video validated your experience. xoxo

[@pyropixie6633]

I've been in the same place as you, although i had to take care of my mother as well. Just know that you don't have to have children and your not alone in this fear. The best thing that will come from this is that you will have a very deep relationship with your sister. If you'd like to chat more, message me, I'll be glad to give you insight.

[@sammie9177]

I had a very similar experience. My sisters are 8 and I'm 18. I also don't want to have children because I feel like I've already been a mom.

[@walayssaart]

I totally understand you, Sammie. You are not alone. I wish you lots and lots of strenght and hope for less harsh days

[@emiliewillow4894]

This is something I'd never really thought about before actually but I think I'll definitely bring it up in therapy! My mum would always look to me to vent about issues with her and I remember feeling super uncomfortable about it all but I also remember thinking she didn't really have anyone else to talk to about it so it was okay. I spent so much time worrying about the issues and that my parents could be splitting up that, yes, I did loses chunks of my childhood putting on that brave face, pushing my issues aside because I didn't want to add to the 'burden' and making sure that my sister wasn't affected. Thank you for this, Kati! ♥

[@laurenh9678]

I resonate so hard with what you shared. I always felt like if she was talking to me about things then at least I was shielding my 7 year younger sister.

[@laurenh9678]

Hope you’ve healed and have moved forward with new light now.

[@stellannie86]

Thank you so much! That was exactly my childhood. I'm 31 and i'm still having tons of issues regarding my childhood. I'm going to take your advice and write those letters. :)

[@sheap3871]

I’m almost 30 and my mother still tells me about my parents relationship. I tell her all the time that’s not my business and to know her boundaries. I’m so tired and angry! When I show how annoyed I am she tries to make me seem like I’m the one whose too sensitive. I can’t!

[@vanessathompson7468]

I literally prayed 30 minutes before finding this video. Knowing this will help me help myself. I'm currently experiencing it, parentification, big time right now with one of my younger brothers and a situation he is dealing with. I told my mom that how I'm feeling is more like he's my son and not my brother. It affected my sleep, my eating, headaches, and I finally had to take off from work yesterday. I was talking to my other younger brother and he claimed I'm making myself feel the way I feel. I told him no I'm not, it's something driving me to feel this way and feel like it's my job to help like I'm his mom not sister. I found my answer. My heart is full, and my soul is beginning to feel free and not weighted down. I thank you for this video from the bottom of my soul. You have no idea how much you have helped me. The comments are also very encouraging and eye opening. I'm also a highly sensitive person so I feel things way deeper than the average person which makes me affected by things way deeper too. It's a blessing and a curse, but God saw I couldn't take it anymore. God helped me find this video so I begin the journey to help myself so I can be even a better mother for my daughter.

[@OlympiaSophie]

Nothing is more important than learning from our mistakes. Listen to your heart and understand its not our job to make everyone happy or their lives perfect.

[@HIEEE2112]

I love this video and love that there is a term for what happened to me.

[@justcallmeziii3175]

omg i'm so happy you made this video. I am struggling with this so much and am working on it with my therapist. Thanks so much, you are doing so much to help others, love your channel! :)

[@Katimorton]

Of course! I am so glad this video was helpful :) xoxo

[@juliag4436]

This was a touching video that hit very close to home. I am 14 years old and a parentified daughter to my parents. I do far more of the chores around the house than I should, in addition to around 25 hours of volunteer work every week, to the point of complete exhaustion. My father is explosive in his anger, bursting out without regard for how deeply he might be hurting me; my mother is critical and emotionally unstable, using me as a landfill for her feelings, especially around her marriage with my father. I resorted to burying myself in a “humanitarian path”, compliant and visionary, doing whatever I could to please them, to no avail. It is painful and humiliating to be a parentified child, to be stripped of one’s childhood. Please, to any parents reading this, even if your child seems a capable and mature leader, even if they find passion in helping others, don’t pressure them excessively to excel and take care of everything. We children put on a brave face to please you, to make you proud-but the experience is traumatizing and debilitating nevertheless. Give us the safe haven we long to return to; sometimes, it is the only place we have left. ❤️

[@sonagold9145]

I am amazed u being a 14 year old has put this into words so appropriately like i m 23 and resonate with every word u mentioned just wow its been two years how r u noww i hope u r living and will live a very fulfilling life

[@aikifox85]

This was me. This was my childhood. However, I also understand that this didn't happen intentionally. I looked after my brother because I was the oldest sibling and our mother had to work evenings to make ends meet. I honestly feel like much of that experience built character and prepared me for adulthood such that I was able to bypass some of the stumbling that my peers dealt with as we moved out on our own. What I *do* resent is that I am *still* in that position, years later, looking out for parents who don't have their own lives together. But how much of that is really their fault, when many of the issues are financial or medical in nature? Between work and luck, I managed to do just a little bit better for myself than my family did -- As much as I resent it, how can I turn my back? How can I not help where I can? Where is the balance between taking care of ourselves as individuals and taking care of ourselves as a communal unit?

[@odetteaful]

aikifox85 Wow. I feel the exact same way and going thru the same experience. I am sick of my parents , specifically my mom who always complains about my Dad. Enough is enough. But I also don’t know how to clearly draw the line. I am fed up too.

[@melissashows7813]

I relate to this 100% i am tired and want to focus on my own adult life, instead I do everything for my very capable mother who is retired and has all the time in the world to be independent.

[@katdavies8137]

Is this the same as having parents that are too busy with their own lives, forcing you to be your own parent?

[@adrianbrogan1061]

Kat Davies yes

[@naarac.5046]

Same here

[@martacarvalho5260]

oh god, i experienced this and have been talking about it with my therapist but I didn't realise that it had a name!

[@martacarvalho5260]

Marcella Ward thank you! I wish you the best of lucks on your recovery as well

[@The.Smoker_Section]

Same here. My therapist brought this to my attention and u couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and here I am.

[@TheHuber26]

I feel like I need a new tshirt that says, ‘Everything important in life I learnt from Kati Morton’ #wisdombeyondheryears

[@TheLittlealice16]

Thank you so much for this Kati, I feel like this is so little talked about- I didnt even realise it wasnt normal or ok UNTIL someone spoke to me about it and that it just one of the many many reasons why this video is so important!

[@Katimorton]

I agree!! We definitely need to talk about it more!! xoxo

[@Ninja-ty4lw]

Someone telling me I'm allowed to feel anger and not dismissing the effects of being parentified made me cry the hardest I've cried in a while.

[@Dylan-go5iv]

This video really means a lot to me. I grew up with my dad always being at work and my mom doing nothing at home. She never wanted to do anything around the house and just sat around on her computer.. and my dad worked so much, supporting 5 kids, that he never felt like he had the energy to do things around the house. This horrible dynamic that the 2 of them had them fighting all the time and then talking to us about it at times, and they didn't take care of any household responsibilities on their own. I feel so robbed of my childhood from those experiences and so many more. Thank you.

[@aerynfletcher4877]

After my mum left when I was 8 I was put in charge of my 6 and 3 year old siblings because my dad didn't want to and wasn't exactly emotionally stable and my older siblings weren't around enough and even now im 16 Im still responsible for most of the things my family does and I am constantly sad about not really living as a child and not being able to live a normal teenage life between school work and practically raising a family

[@adrianbrogan1061]

Aeryn Fletcher I know how you feel but you'll get through it and be a better person because of it just like I did

[@saxongreen78]

Burned all my photographs...went no contact...just spent Christmas fully alone: it was _wonderful!_ (I am 42, male and childless, though...makes it a bit easier.)

[@God.sDaughter]

That’s nice. You have your me time and time to meditate.

[@katielarisa]

I’m so glad you touch upon this regularly, before I saw your first video about it I had no idea how much it has effected me and it makes things sort of click into place. My mum has had severe depression and anxiety on and off since I was 6 years old, I’m 22 now, and my brother was diagnosed with OCD when I was about 14, there have been times when I have had to physically hold them up when they’ve been at their lowest, or calm my brother down because it’s too much for my mum to handle (he’s 5 years older than me). My question is, is it ok to NOT want to make reparations in the relationships that have been affected by this? A lot of people’s first instinct when I try explain my feelings to them is telling me to be more open with my mum, but I know the repercussions will just be worse for me, is it ok to not want to make my relationship with her ‘better’ for the sake of my own mental health? I still often feel it’s my responsibility as she guilt trips me into thinking I’ve made her believe she’s a bad parent...

[@odetteaful]

Katie Burton I feel the same way.

[@luticia]

I'm the complete opposite: I'm physical a grown old woman but inside me still this baby that needs their parents so desperately very much but still doesn't get their love, appreciation and respect. I'm dying because of this lack and inner pain, literally killing myself w my eating disorders. I just can't get over this pain.

[@codywilliams2960]

have you looked into ED treatment centres in your area? they typically provide you with a therapist, nutritionist and so much more to help you realize what's causing your ed behaviours and how to deal with, and move on from them and help you lead a healthier lifestyle. i highly suggest you look in to it, if you are ready to recover (because i know that making the decision to commit to recovery is really tough). i support you 100% because i've been there myself. trust me, life doesn't get better until you realize that you need to devote your life to yourself until you're ready to be there for others.

[@ingvildkvakestad]

Amazing video as always I have seen this happening wont go into details she/he might not like it I understand it better now again Thanks Is it Ok too bring in Something writen down into counceling cause I find it hard to bring things Up is this Ok?

[@MarinaDoulis]

That sounds like a really good idea! I've done that sort of thing before

[@Katimorton]

I am so glad you found it helpful :) And to answer your question.. of course it's okay to bring in something written down :) Anything to help you communicate all that you may be thinking. xoxo

[@ingvildkvakestad]

Kati Morton Thanks I will

[@ingvildkvakestad]

MarinaDoulis i will try

[@rory3155]

Thank you so so much for making this video. I was a parentified child and still am, only I’m 18 so it’s all legal now, which ironically has just made it far worse! Just because it’s so easy for people to justify the situation. I really appreciate this cyber support Kati x

[@adrianbrogan1061]

Madeleine Benson hey I'm in the same boat as you... Just turned 19 and it's only gotten worse for me as well but we'll make it through and with proper help we'll recover! Keep your head up you're not alone in this fight! 💕

[@rory3155]

Adrian Brogan wow!! Thank you, how nice to get a reply haha. Stay strong, one good thing about this is how strong we are and will be. ❤️

[@mayah4468]

hope youve gotten out of your situation now

[@purpleghost106]

What's the best way to avoid repeating the pattern with your own kids, if you have no idea what "should" happen vs what "shouldn't"? Like, is there a list I can look at? My future kids won't have a 'normal' childhood, because of my disabilities. But I don't want them to have a ton of extra responsibilities and burdens, simply because I didn't know what was or wasn't 'okay' to expect of them.

[@NikkiSchumacherOfficial]

Great video. ❤️ I was parentified and some of it actually helped me out in life (needing to cook and help sibling with homework etc gave me life skills. Other things didn't help so much-- hearing one parent bad mouth the other or share details of their sex life for instance didn't help in the least! 🤮

[@Felicity1247]

Thanks for this video, Kati! I realized a few months ago in therapy that I was sort of put in difficult places as a child. I used to hear my parents arguing a lot. Sometimes they would fight in the car and I'd feel trapped. My mom would tell me how frustrated she was with my dad, how they'd already talked, etc. Occasionally they would use me as a carrier pigeon or a pawn, like "Your dad loves you; he'll do X if you're the one asking for it. He never does X if I ask." My mom also used to talk to me a lot in the car about everything that was going on with her family and girlfriends, almost like I was her peer even though I was 13 or 14. I never quite knew what to say and was mostly silent. To be clear, they really loved each other and loved me, and in general I have a good relationship with my parents. I don't consider my family dysfunctional at all. They don't fight nearly as much anymore and they love each other, but now it's hard to tell them how I'm struggling with trauma or my eating disorder. I think my parents have this image of me having my shit together, and in general being very poised and stoic. I have a hard time being the child seeking support.

[@Croak80]

Hey Katie I only found you recently and I've been loving your channel so far. At some point do you think you could do a video on Empaths? While being an Empath or a HSP isn't technically a mental disease they are extremely prone to developing mental diseases thanks to how different that are from the "normal" human being, and most people don't even know that Empaths and HSPs even exist. It doesn't help that many people take the spiritual side of it too far and it ends up looking made up like a 'psychic'.

[@happysparrow5929]

Croak80 second this!! Please give tips on being very caring and compassionate without getting empathy sickness (just taking on too many upsetting feelings)

[@Jelleybean18]

I have a question. When you go into adulthood, is it then okay for our parents to talk about those things? Like can we more healthily have this open dialogue to support the parent now that we are old (almost 30)? I mean I’ve heard a lot about my Parent’s life and now I’m hearing even more. I don’t think it’s right, still, though. Maybe I answered my own question but I was wondering what your experience has been. Of course I know it is different for everyone, but still curious!

[@eclipseskykingdom]

This was so insightful. I never knew there was a term for this. For the longest time I've known that my childhood was not exactly normal. With my dad working a night job and at times 2 jobs; my mother working a live-in job; and having a sibling 11 years younger than me that I had to take care of since he was 2. I was the middle person for all communication when my parents argued and even after divorce. I wasn't able to date properly even in my senior year of high school because I was told I would have to bring my younger sibling along. The few times i got to hang out with friends, the time was always cut short because my mother didn't want me out past 7, even though I was an adult in my early 20's by then in college. This has made me absolutely resent the idea of having kids of my own one day or even being in a romantic relationship with anyone. I wonder can being a parentified child cause some degree of PTSD?

[@dannywholuv]

I always thought I had a great childhood. It's taken me a list of toxic relationships to realise that wasn't quite the case. I'm a people pleaser, a white Knight type. Seeking drama filled partners. I remember my mum needing alot of emotional support though various hardships in her life and I used to console her. Alot. It's impacted me more profoundly that I thought 😕

[@debbiebrog8598]

Story of my life. I understand you completely.

[@mariekuehler7972]

Hey Kati, I love your videos and the insight you give me about mental illnesses. I have a question, do you think that this can happen in big families? I come from a family of 7 kids and I feel like this happened to my oldest brother.

[@mindykaufman1072]

It happened to me, and I'm one of 9.

[@rosey4exclaim]

It happens in all different sized families (happened to me, and it was just me and my sister), but I feel like it's more common in big families. The oldest child, especially, has to grow up quick to help the parents with the littles.

[@duckmole11]

I'm the oldest of six. It's definitely something that happens to eldest children, and sometimes to the older few, depending on the number of children and the types of things happening in the family (e.g. a parental illness, a sibling with special needs, poverty, a family business).

[@beatle9895]

Wow, this resonates sooo much for me and I'd never even thought of it. I've been struggling with OCD since I was 6 (I'm 19 now) and always felt such a sense of responsibility to look after everyone in my family. I've always been my mum's 'go to person' and I was a third parent to my younger siblings. I'm going to allow myself to grieve my childhood now, thank you so much as always.

[@kr3532]

How do you deal with your parents in real time when you are still grieving being a parentified child?

[@shyb7847]

This was me before we were adopted. It's too late I'm 23 and my sisters will always have a 3rd parent. It bothers them more than it bothers me to be honest.

[@lornatw]

Hi Kati, I was wondering if you could- would you cover the mental effect adoption can have on people through their life, especially those who were very young 0-4 years (which is when attachment is developed). I feel like people believe that you cannot be negatively affected by adoption if you were too young to remember it or did not have a bad experience. Therefore we should just be grateful, but the truth is we are affected whether we know it or not. I think this is also important for parents who consider adoption to also understand. X thank you X

[@Hoops-wg7bp]

Lorna Tw oh my gosh I've gone through that exact process and going through the process of leaning about myself and the effects on my adoption. A video about that would be Amazing!

[@lornatw]

Same, it would be nice to here a fair and broad perspective on this. I'm going 20 and I've only ever been told by my family to be grateful, along with the threats as a child of being put back where I came from.

[@dawngreenwood6034]

This was me. My step mom had cancer and I had to help take care of her. I didn't get to go out and play like a normal kid. I had to clean, cook and make sure my mom was ok. My Dad had to work so we had no choice. I'm not resentful because of it but it makes me a little sad.

[@valentinagovedarica3889]

Hey Kati, I have a question. What if it wasnt full blown parentification but it was expected of me to take care of my twin brother, i was alway compared as the grown up one even if we were twins, was expected to help him live his life. I also went trough a lot of family emotional abuse and demining. In this case, as youve said in your video, can this be damaging to my childhood devekopment as i now have a range of serious probllems. Thank you for all you do, lots of love!

[@Makes_Me_Smile]

Any suggestions on how to support a child who is in this situation? When it isn't your child and you can't just change the situation

[@adrianbrogan1061]

Makes Me Smile support them and give them a shoulder to cry on! As well as giving them an environment they can act their age in (like your classroom if you're a teacher, or your home). The thing that's healped me the most was being able to act my age and not getting responsibilities put on my shoulders for at least some amount of time... Another great thing is to help them relieve stress and teaching them ways to relieve stress when they become overwhelmed since it likely happens a lot

[@filmfury743]

Thank you for this video. I grew up the oldest of 9 children. My dad was a janitor and my mom was a stay at home mom. I cooked, cleaned, helped with homework etc. If I wasn't at school, I was at home helping her. I didn't have a childhood. I didn't have fun memories or friends. My parents told me about all of their problems when I was way too young. I knew about my father's gambling and cocaine addiction. I knew about my mom's abusive boyfriends. I knew why were moved from house to house. We kept getting evicted. I still deal with all of these thoughts and feeling well into my adulthood

[@Monyxk]

I am 45 years now. I am a parentified child up to this age. I had to move back in with my mom as I separating, with a 5 year old. Up to this time my mom wants me to be the parent and even breadwinner for her and my 42 year old single brother. We get into arguments cause she is so used to have my support BUT now I am a mom and my priority is my daughter. Thigs have changed and she just does not get it. Im trying to look for my own place but I feel so overwhelmed. I am even afraid to see her cause I know she is going to ask me to take care of something and I will say no. How do I handle this situation. I told her that I am not her husband and things have changed now that I am a mother, I can not be my mother's mother.

[@MikeWazowski680]

Watching this video and reading through the comments, makes me feel not so alone, what happened to us was not ok, but knowing there’s people who understand my emotions and what I’m going through, makes me feel better. Hang in there, everyone, I have faith that we can heal from this.

[@jbirdjumps]

Could you talk about the more unknown eating disorders? I just found out that I have ARFID, and there's not much information on it. Just wondering if you had any advice for someone whose just found out they have an eating disorder, that's not known widely about or in general.

[@zoehalliday8495]

Hey Kati & Kinions, Is it possible to feel, not exactly parentified, but as if we had to grow up 'too quickly' or mature sooner because of our mental illness? Does anyone else feel like this? Does it have a name or is it just something that comes along with all mental illness? Thank you (:

[@cupidb0nes]

I feel so horrible. And tainted. Thank you for this video it’s very informative. It’s just put into words now

[@Jelleybean18]

Much love ❤️ It’s difficult to realize but I can promise, with therapy, you can do this and can get past these feelings ❤️

[@EdsFlyingPanda]

This is extremely helpful! Grieving the loss and overcoming resentment are some of the most difficult processes, there can be so much guilt attached to accepting and trying to move forward.

[@imnotagoodboy2319]

I relate to this on a personal level...being the oldest and my father who is bipolar and has ptsd I was always scared and basically took care of my sister constantly because he forced us to do things while he did nothing but play video games, and it's always my fault if I didn't take care of my sister in private or public.I spent many years doing things for her and still I'm expected to drive my mother and sister to work or school while I work too. I clean all day for my mother while my dad still does nothing even thanksgiving I had to cook and clean while my mother went to work, and dropped my sister off at our grandparents...it's hard to be raised as an adult because I still want to be a kid.

[@MsLaurithaa]

Angé Y wow the last sentence resonates so much with me! thanks for sharing, I'm sorry you had/have to go trough this. Hugs to you xo

[@Lucykbee]

I think I have a really minor form of this, when my parents were divorced I was only 7/8 my Mum would talk to me about things I really didn’t need to know. It has made me resent my father a lot

[@Kiyometa]

Just wanted to say thank you for making this video. I had no idea there was a name to this particular issue. I had to take care of my two older sisters, one who has severe anxiety (didn't do as much as I wish I did) and the other an extreme case of paranoid schizophrenia when I was a small child with increasing responsibility through my teens. My mother went to nursing school and my father was kicked out when I was like 13 so it was basically just my two sisters and I. I remember us running out of food a few times because my mother got too caught up in school, forgot to get some, and didn't leave any money. I will try writing a letter to my younger self like you suggested, I KNOW I have some unresolved issues relating to my childhood, but have difficulty talking about it. Again, thank you.

[@samfolmer3111]

Hey Katie, what exactly is the age limit for being a parentified child? Does this also apply to teenagers?

[@Katimorton]

Yes!! It can apply to us at any age where we should have been able to be a child (birth to age 18) and we weren't able to. xoxo

[@samfolmer3111]

Thank you for your answer. I will be showing your video to a friend of mine who is forced to take care of her 3 year old brother every single day and can't live her live because of it. (She's 14!) Her father works himself to the bone every single day and never looks out for her brother. She cooks, cleans and attends school every single day too. I want her to know that it's not okay.

[@jjmary61]

Thank you for posting this. And talking about this. When I was 9 my older sister had a child, then a year later she had another child and i was excited and I love them dearly. But because my sister had to work and lived with us and my mother and father worked, I had to take care of them a lot. Everyday after school till around 9 or 10 and most summers as well I was spending taking care of them. It made me the person I am, and I now I’m super close with them and worry about them almost as if I’m their mother. But I do know that emotionally it effected me, stunted my emotional health. Thank you so much for talking about this I didn’t know it had a name.

[@judyferguson1488]

I got to do both sides of that coin, practical and emotional!! Setting boundaries with my mum as an adult was one of the hardest things I have done, she still fights them too and tries to break my boundaries. But thanks to therapy Im getting stronger and stronger and standing my ground! And I have just starting writing letters again this week after having a really rough time at home and am remembering how much it helped! I used to do it when I first starting working on it with my psychologist, and then just didn't see a need for it! but now I'm using it as a tool to write a letter to mum overtime i feel betrayed or hurt by her current actions aswell, and its doing wonders! one of my favourite tools to use for sure! Thanks for everything Kati

[@larissarose4796]

Can i be a parentified child even tho i 'm older? Recently (the last couple of years) I've felt like I've been taking on more and more responsibility in the home. Doing chores, taking care of my sibling, trying to be kind understanding and helpful to my mom, as well as general emotional support for my family. Im turning 16 soon and was wondering if this is me being parentified or just growing up.

[@TheHuber26]

Great video Kati! Helpful on so many levels. Your wisdom and insight paired with your knowledge is...zing! It’s an honour to be your patreon patron and I encourage everyone to get on board to support her as she continues to make an impact across the globe. A follow up video in the future would be so helpful around topics such as... - how to process unresolved issues from siblings who were angry, resentful, jealous etc towards you for being a parentified child and ways to heal the relationship. - any correlation/language for us as adults who have had to be the ‘parent’ through our parent’s final years when they are unwell and unable to make decisions for themselves. eg. Being power of attorney, making decisions for their next stage of life and ways to handle that with other family members. - Navigating challenges with parents with dementia and how to process that with family members. Thanks for everything Kati!!

[@aubreyfuss8703]

I am 14 and I have 3 brothers (ages 4, 6, and 7) and I am treated like an adult in my household by my stepmom. My dad is always at work so he isn’t there to defend me. I have had so much pressure put on me with school and my family. My mom expects me to have a 4.0 GPA and when I get an 89 she yells at me. I just want to have the responsibilities of a teenager not an adult.

[@nono7903]

I was a parentified child and now I have a child of my own. I don't want to make the same mistakes but I do want to teach my daughter how to be independent. Where is the line between unacceptable parentifying and chores/life skills (like cooking & doing laundry)?

[@riverreneetyler5911]

Is the whole "mom is gone, oldest girl child now does all female chores like making food, washing dishes, cleaning house" simply a socially acceptable form of parentifying, then? Obviously, this is done to different degrees. I was simply expected to help my dad out and pick up one or two extra cleaning chores, but I also have a friend who was running the household when she was 12 because her mom was gone so much and her dad didn't want to do anything he perceived as feminine. Like being a responsible adult.

[@bornfree8073]

You left out constantly thinking about everything you did wrong raising that child. Reliving every time you left them down. Never forgiving yourself for acting like a kid and your sibling paying the price. You can't ever accept letting a sibling down due to immaturity. Also I don't think kids who had a parentification shit have the ability to cry.

[@user-cv6kb2ef3p]

1. But what if as adult we still feel responsible for our parents/sibiling? Cause they are really great, but aren't good with coping. 2. And if I have Asperger like my family, meaning I'm not good with coping and understanding emotions either, I shouldn't have children, because I wouldn't be good parent, I would be burden?

[@colonelweird]

I was raised by a single borderline/narcissist mother. She learned the language of psychotherapy when I was little, and she used it to abuse me throughout my childhood and adolescence, and even my early adulthood. She decided when I was very young that I would be her full-time therapist. She talked to me about all her problems for many hours at a time, late into the night. She was always enraged at the men in her life - she always told me ALL the details - and somehow as I grew up that became deep shame and self-hatred in my own mind. As I began trying to set boundaries in my teens, she became more and more enraged at me. But she never wanted me to stop being her therapist. She had zero interest in my life - unless she could use something to manipulate or shame me. She lied to me and gaslit me constantly. She was an absolute emotional vampire. Thank God she's dead, but what she did to me will never go away completely.

[@ezrapatty9795]

When I was 12 I went to a football game with my mom's boyfriend at the time he got wasted so wasted that I had to find out way back to the hotel I found us a cab and he was drunkenly arguing with the driver the whole ride he then tried to pay the driver 300$ for a 100$ ride the driver gave the 200$ back to me so I kept it as sort of a fuck you

[@cadaverous6]

I never really thought about all this until a few years ago. I’m definitely an emotional parent to my mother. Have been since I was in preschool. Recently I’ve been experiencing what I believe is burnout. I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of breaking. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[@rebeccam5830]

I had to deal with all of the above in my childhood, I had to keep the house running (doing dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning) and it started around 8 I also had to take care of my younger brother, as well as have to be my parents therapist for both of them individually, and heard way to much about everything. And to top it all off I was emotionally, sexually, physically and mentally abused in different ways. I used to tell myself that it wasn't so bad that it could be worse. It's only been the last year or so that I have finally looked back at it all and see how messed up it all was. So now it's my struggle to get past it all and make sure I don't do the same thing to my children.

[@JoPlaysSims]

Anyone else forced to be the family mediator between adults that couldn't work out their own problems?

[@andriapeeples]

I didn’t even know this was a thing that existed yet I resonate with some things said here

[@polilla702]

Is a 13 year old that cooks, does laundery, gets groceries and goes out to pay bills normal or parentified?

[@Atlazuko]

this helped alot i'm seeing a therapist and this is what she told me i was. she didn't call me selfish for wanting to take care of my own needs when that happened alot when i tried in my own home! this helped and it does take a lot. i've been telling myself for years that it's okay to take care of my own needs and i still have trouble doing so because i still feel it's selfish cause I feel i need to take care of everyone else first.

[@alexmagalhaesdeandrade4249]

Hi Kati! your videos have been helping me a lot! thank you so much!!!

[@vfaulkon]

I teared up a bit watching this. My mom, who's generally been very supportive and caring, has done this kind of thing to me my whole life - talking about how much she hated my dad after they divorced, constantly coming to me to vent about her money problems and stress at work...what kind of five-year-old knows how to process that? Why should a five-year-old HAVE to process that? One of the hardest parts of my therapy the past couple of years has been learning to follow the same advice in this video without being incredibly resentful to my mom, and that's probably the hardest part of the whole process.

[@karamitchell1041]

Hey Kati! i think you have read my comments before but.. I have been on Prozac for about 2 months now... and it hasent helped.. so should i sk my doctor to switch my medication? I dont really like Prozac.... because it just gives me all the side effects. like Muscle aches and Muscle spasms and bad dream and all those kind of things.... i struggle from Harm OCD and my thought are about committing suicide... im afraid that i actually am Suicidal and i just have panic attacks i also have GAD and a TINY bit of depression... so im just afraid. and scared. and im just looking for reassurance i guess.. and to know if i should switch my meds. Thanks. xoxo ♥

[@urltima]

Kara Mitchell hey Kara! I'm no pharmacist or doctor but I had repetitive thoughts and repetitive behaviors that felt impulsive and they didn't start clearing up until I was on an antipsychotic. It almost completely stopped the repetitive behaviors and thoughts and helped me think more clearly. If your doctor suggests one I would accept it. Although it's different for everyone I think it could end up being s benefit to you. For me there were almost no side effects except some shaking of my hands and that's it. Do some research onnantipsychotics and see if it's something you think could help you.

[@adrianbrogan1061]

Hey I was on prozac too (only had a few minor side effects though) and I switched to Efexor (I think that's how it's spelled) and I'm SOOOO glad I decided to switch and keep trying meds because this one works wonders for me! Everyone responds to different meds in their own way so keep trying different one's till you find one that helps clear up your depression and doesn't cause major side effects!

[@DesMowadeng]

Katie, I relate to this but differently. I am disabled due to a birth defect resulting in life long medical situations and I'm in a wheelchair. I also suffered abuse as a child into adulthood. All made me feel like I was a grown up and never had a childhood that I should...how do I deal

[@ayalae7932]

hi kati, loved this video so much. unfortunately, I've been the parentified child and hopefully in therapy, i can overcome my difficulties now. i have a question...can you make a video on what you know or believe about intentional weight gain after assault and/or sexual abuse, because this is actually something i did and ever since losing weight my anxiety's been over the roof when I'm out in public

[@shesdigital]

Thank you so much for this. I am 33 years old and recovering from being a parentified child each day.

[@veronniep]

I really appreciate this video. None of my actual therapists have ever taken the time to explain this concept to me and when you did, I gained a whole new insight into myself and why I do certain things the way I do. I write a lot of poetry, so I took your advice and wrote a poem to my younger self. It was probably the hardest poem I've ever written, but it really helped me validate myself and also see how far I've come in my journey. Thank you so much for explaining this and being a part of my recovery :)

[@sadyechester6934]

This is so prevalent in my therapy right now. I lost my mom when I was 12 and had to take care of my senior dad. (He was 62 when I was born). Im 25 now, and completely parentless. Thank you Kati for this insight, didn’t know their was a name for it.

[@allthingsathena8178]

This is life with an addict parent!! It sucks for the kids!!

[@rebecca.g.lastsforever4084]

I am a parentified child and having art therapy has helped put my situation and my childhood wants in perspective but I will also try the letter writing suggested in this video.

[@jadebald_ca]

My mom parentfied me. She told me all about her shitty life growing up in an alcoholic home, her shitty relationships, and how her work was frustrating. She was so self absorbed, so self involved.

[@melsearth]

This is really bad because my mum is single and BOTH her hands are disabled and my life is very sad

[@MadCupcake38]

Thank you so much for this video. I really appreciate this. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I was a young carer of my brother who is autistic. I'm 21 now and if anyone can relate it would be so comforting to hear from you. Growing up I didn't know anyone who had autistic siblings and felt so conflicted and lonely in my experience . I still have an intense fear of being angry because of the meltdowns and my brother and dad lashing out and fighting constantly. Even when my brother hurt me during meltdowns I couldn't express anger towards him because it wasn't his fault it was the autism, and I had to be responsible and not make things worse by having 'ugly angry' emotions. Even though I was 12 I felt so confused that I could take care of my brother and do what was needed, yet my dad who'd been on autism training and was the parent, was acting like a child and I didn't feel safe. I really appreciate this video Kati, I need to commit to doing inner child work, think the guilt and strong feelings that come up scares me. I always felt I had to be the parent because I was more patient and aware of how to help my brother do tasks and communicate and I would de-escalate fighting, whilst my dad lost his temper and would deliberately wind him up.

[@AStaff-gh4vo]

I'm just happy that more and more people are learning about parentified children. I wish I could remember more of my childhood to properly justify myself saying that I have been parentified, but I feel that I could only call myself that if I remember things more clearly. Problem is, I got a poor memory which is a symptom of anxiety and depression which I feel are caused by my home circumstances and half-raising my siblings

[@IlakkiyaVenkatc2n3y]

Thank you for this :) I will start my healing journey to prevent my past from affecting my present and future

[@aliceg2890]

Thank you for another great video!! I have a quick question! How do I tell my mum I’m getting treatment for an ed she doesn’t even know about I’m 20 so the team I see don’t have to tell her but I’m done lying to her now! 💜thank you💜

[@Katimorton]

Hey Alice :) I actually have a bunch of videos about how to tell our parents we are struggling.. here is my ED specific one from WAY back :) I hope it helps! xoxo kzbin.info/www/bejne/h5XPe3R7rt2dbMk

[@sporty13324]

Alice G Hey Alice! I just want to say that you are SO STRONG! Getting help is the hardest part and I am so proud you want to let your parents in on it! The more support you can get, the better!! I am almost 18 and when it comes to communication I avoid it especially with my dad. It has definitely set me back in my recovery journey and I want you to know that you CAN get through this! ♡ You have my support 100% Alice! :)

[@aliceg2890]

MaddieRadz thank you so much lovely! 💜

[@mosaic2476]

thank you so much for this, kati! maybe a few months ago, my mother told me that, from the moment she realised she was pregnant with me, she gave me the role of being the one to pull her up and out of her depression. this, amongst other things, has been very harmful for me, so i find it reassuring to know that there's a term for it and that i'm not alone.

[@chelseamensah1732]

I’m so burnt out from my family . I feel so bad about it .

[@johnnafisher3123]

When my parents had me they were up there and their years And I had to take care of them because my older siblings have their own life to worry about I always described it as raising my parents Thank kati for giving it a name 💝👨‍👩‍👧👍🏻

[@OlympiaSophie]

Such a true concept Johnna. But being true to ourselves is the most important and learning that others happiness is not dependent upon us.

[@1396animefreak]

I relate to this, even though I can't remember being parentified, I always acted like an adult as a child but I think that was more to do with not having any other children around me rather than being forced into being an adult. That being said I would often get dragged into arguments about money/bills etc and have to listen to both of my parents problems with the other, even if they were just small things that we're annoying them. Thank you for the video as always

[@MotherRuss1a]

Never knew there was an actual term for this, thank you so much for making this video Katie! This was a huge problem for me growing up, at times I was allowed to be a bit of a child, but 90% of my childhood was me being taught to be an adult.

[@melbsgoth3015]

thank you for this video ❤️ wish I got to have a real childhood but at least I get to have control over my adulthood 🌻

[@malu.bb.]

thank you thank you thank you for this. i’ve been diagnosed with c-ptsd and parentification had a lot to do with it. realizing and accepting that those things were not okay is so hard but so important to heal! i really liked the letter to/from the past idea, i’m going to bring it up to my therapist to see if i’m ready for that “exposure” phase!! ♥️

[@Ember-Raine]

I wish this had come out a few years ago when my niece was 10 and forced into the role of caregiver to her drug addicted mother. If it had I might have known how to help her when she started acting my age instead of her own, I am five years older than her. She is twelve and better now as she and my nephew are living with their dad (my brother), his new wife and her kids.

[@LC-vx9dl]

My mom suffers from MS and depression and used to talk to me about her struggles. I don't think she's a bad person at all and I'm not angry at her. She supports me when I'm feeling upset so I feel it's fair because we take care of one another. She's my mom and my friend.