Parentified Child (6 Steps to Heal If You Were Parentified As A Child)

[@DebbraLupien_AkashicRecords]

I didn't know it had a name, but it deeply resonates. I was blessed to gain a MIL who became the mother I always deserved. That made all the difference.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

That is so wonderful re your MIL. Healthy relationships later in life can definitely help us heal!

[@whoami1824]

Yeah I only recently learned that this had a name too . So I started googling I am grateful to find that there's help and that it's not as uncommon as I thought it was. Makes me feel a lot less lonely and singled out to hear other people's stories Also another word I didn't know is Gaslighting and I'm wondering if these to often go hand in hand 🤔

[@jennifergomez-valdez3686]

I also didn't know it had a name until recently(thanks reddit!), but this is also my story too. My mother in law has shown me how it is to have boundaries.

[@christinekuschewski2481]

As a single parent I am realizing I fell into this with my son while he was growing up. We are both healing from it. It was definitely unintentional, but I recognize that I pulled him into my emotional support system when he should not have had to burden that. Thank you

[@beautyforashes6204]

God bless you for acknowledging that. Many parents wouldn’t have the guts to do this.

[@karenr5870]

Wow! I wish my mom would have this awareness and be able to admit it and move into a healthier dynamic. You son is lucky 🫶

[@whoami1824]

You definitely got the uncomfortable thing right , I remember the day I finally got the guts up to tell my mom that I wasn't gonna pay her bills anymore. TERRIFYING.

[@katiebooker7140]

I recently left my sister, realizing ive been the caregiver for soooo long. I set boundaries and they just got smashed on. I finally gave up and left and now i am learning who the heck i really am! My move sparked very unexpected reactions. I have seen true colors. I've left the scene, and i am working on healing and unlearning and relearning each day.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

So wonderful that you are doing the work! Wishing you health and healing

[@mary_syl]

Having been parentified absolutely comes with a set of skills that help you in life and can create positive results. I don't think the point is to invalidate that but to also acknowledge all the deficits that came along with it. Learning to center yourself and not feeling responsible for everyone and everything around you first and foremost.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Absolutely agree!!

[@Laughter17]

I think most generation X have this issue, single parents, arrive at home alone after school, play outside with no curfew, etc etc…

[@sf5823]

10:35 4 Pillars of joy. 1) Mindfulness 2) Healthy boundaries 3) Deep self-knowledge 4) Healing negative core beliefs.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yes!

[@thepieces6947]

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[@kassandra7607]

Barbara, thank you so much. I think I‘m finally getting the bigger picture: how I turned myself into „mother‘s little helper“ at the age of 5, the role of the inner critic in this process and where the overwhelming feeling of failure comes from. And my all-consuming anxiety when I have failed others yet again... Oh my god, this hurts so much!

[@monalisapal2144]

Yes, parents are humans too. They may not be as ideal as we picture them to be. Thanks Barbara for pointing it out. I just started crying when you mentioned about Grieving Your Lost Childhood.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you for letting me know how much it touched you ❤

[@viviane_casella]

My mother used this "I'm human too" as a form of justify her selfishness and emotional demands since I was a child. I hate it.

[@ashleysaad1724]

This is literally my life 🤦🏼‍♀️ I literally raised my brother since I was 10. Failed out of college because of it and everything! Plus there is so much more to it …. This resonates with me deeply! Now I know why I have such anxiety , depression and always people pleasing on top of resentment!!

[@laerkekerstenable]

Something that I would love to get help with / insight on, is how to deal with the consequences, inner and outer, that come when we begin to change this behavioural pattern in ourselves. Because it sends chock-waves through the family system, changes the nature of the relationships we have within out family and this change can bring real depression and anxiety with it. I feel it would be really helpful to get more into this aspect - because once we begin to "heal" and set new boundaries and kill off this pleasing / parentified side of ourselves, a whole new set of challenges come up. When we change our behaviour, set boundaries and become different within the system, it has very real consequences.

[@AriesRising4444]

Most helpful thing I have ever heard, even though I have tried therapy several times. I am going to make myself a set of reminders for my daily journaling from these steps. I am 69 years old and suffering huge amounts of anxiety, guilt, and, yes, resentment.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I'm so sorry to hear all the pain you are in, and I'm glad this was helpful. Wishing you health and healing,

[@denisealley9822]

I am the same at age 47. I had an absent, depressed parent, who I'm actually back living with. I just got a psychotherapist and she told me to get out, so I can heal in peace. I can't dt financial issues. For the past 2 weeks I haven't been able to breathe. I'm stuck in a room. At 47. I hate it 😒

[@denisealley9822]

No boundaries here. Only hers. I know that's blaming. "It's her home". Resentment is an understatement. Anxiety is at another level 😕. I was doing EDMR, bc I couldn't breathe Tuesday. I was told by another psycholotherapist, I should have not done that. Heavenly and breathing. I'm a psyche nurse, so educated and understand it all. That's the worst. I can't get away. Again! I do love my family and understand them. I just can't take it.

[@yolly2292]

Me too Gayle. I found this so gratifying and I’m going to do the same as you. I’m 63 and only just discovering this 🥰🙏

[@joycechacko8207]

I think one of the signs is also that you feel you can handle all the problems, issues but the other person in the relationship can't. In a way, this is very confusing because on one side you always feel that there is something wrong with you - because why else would your relationships always bomb this way - but on the other side, you feel you are more capable, much stronger than your counterpart in the relationship and while you could brave all the storms, they won't be able to survive without you or might crumple under all that pressure.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Well said! Totally agree.

[@sarahliipere]

I wish I had have seen this video years ago. It took me about 20 years to unpack and process my childhood, change my patterns and heal on my own, and in that, I’m one of the lucky ones who was able to. These videos are a valuable resource, and this is an excellent guideline!

[@sarahliipere]

Not gonna lie, I am still working on healing and probably always will be. But trust me, things can get better. In ways you never thought possible.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thanks for providing encouragement for others!

[@kristinmeyer489]

I knew it was wrong when I was a kid, but I was starved for love, and stupidly thought I could earn it. Finally, I ran away to college where they didn't have a good excuse to reel me back in.

[@SkateDIVA99]

Wow. I finally have a name for my issue, and don't feel so alone anymore. I'm 49 years old, and had a tough day today, when I realized that I was assuming the role of being my mother's mother again, and that it was causing me emotional and physical pain. I've sought general help in the past, but never had a therapist nail my "diagnosis" anywhere near as accurately as your two videos I just watched! At least now I know, and a journey toward healing can begin. I'm grateful, thank you!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are welcome. So pleased these were helpful. Wishing you the best on your journey.

[@julielyrek2441]

This is exactly how I feel! A name for it! I’ve been in and out of therapy for years and never knew this. Wow! I feel like I’m moving onto a whole new chapter! You definitely are not alone💓

[@alexacarrillo4339]

This happened to me not just at home but in school. I was gifted in a small poor school so teachers made me teach and tutor the other kids. My dyslexia wasn’t something I figured out until I was an adult because my parents just decided I was stupid in comparison to my sibling but I still got tasked with teaching in the classroom as a child. I am not bragging about being gifted just pointing out teachers took advantage of that while missing where I needed extra help. If I ever get a tattoo it will be left and right written on my hands because my brain flips them 100% of the time.

[@alyciakay89]

Becoming an individual just... doesn't really happen. The emotional exhaustion that results from emotional parentification leaves little room for figuring out how you, yourself, feel... good luck finding the time or energy to feel your own emotions, let alone learn to name them and how to cope with them.

[@viviane_casella]

I think it's necessary to adjust the attitude and be open to change and transformation. If we approach healing with a "it's impossible" mentality, it really won't happen. Feeling there's no energy to dedicate to ourselves is, in my opinion, just a protective attitude, a maladaptive coping mechanism that reinforces the place a parent designated for us in the world...

[@alyciakay89]

@@viviane_casella Pretty sure that, for some people, it's actually called "depression" or something of that nature... Which is a medical condition, not an excuse or a coping mechanism, for which medical help and social support are necessary for treatment/improvement... And one shouldn't be so quick to judge or dismiss, especially with little-to-no background information, since such things are rarely helpful when someone is trying to get better. People are entitled to their feelings, as well... Including FEELING like they can't do something... And they should be able to talk about it without someone placing the blame on them -- some of them blame themselves enough without such "help" from others.

[@akosth2275]

IFS is helpful to discover self.

[@LenkaSaratoga]

My comment number 💯 Four pillars of JOY Mindfulness Boundaries Core beliefs Self-knowledge New subscriber

[@malemaline]

It's tough but a relief to learn I am only responsible for me.

[@tessellatiaartilery8197]

Great video. Very helpful. Your kind, calm and positive manner is so motivating to do the self work in therapy or study. Thank you.

[@harrietella3292]

Thankyou, I'm just coming to terms with my own parentification and accepting the struggles it brings, also acknowledging the good qualities it brings me such as taking responsibility for myself. So overall getting a balanced understanding of my situation. This is really helpful thankyou.

[@cococha]

Watching this to tell my sister all about it

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Sounds like you can relate. Wishing both of you peace and healing.

[@darshc6808]

My parents were not the ideal parents I imagined them to be...but they were the best they could be ..they provided me the best of everything in their capacity

[@pattyrooney1323]

I'm still the scapegoat at 70yrs old. The burden forced on you lives long beyond childhood. On a good note ...I recently exposed the 2 female "DO DIRTIES" that are still alive. Wonderful!

[@natka2159]

I'm very thankful for discovering your channel today. Your way of talking is very calming. I better understand my behaviors and my life now and can develop self-compassion.

[@esgara8446]

OMG! Ticked all the boxes. It made perfect sense. it is all about me. Thank you!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are welcome. Wishing you health and healing....

[@mariamkinen8036]

For the most part , I got healed with my youth psychologist in my 20's . Money flies in with these topics. Good topic , though. TY

[@malemaline]

This video shows me I've come a long way which is so encouraging.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Awesome!

[@StephaBee06]

These videos have been incredibly helpful to me. Grateful for the practicals given!! Thank you for all you do!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are so welcome! I'm so glad they've been helpful.

[@salaamletstalk]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I didn't realise this was an actual 'term' and yet it made so much sense in analysing certain people's behaviour after learning their stories.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

So glad it was helpful!

[@Michelle-72]

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) is a great 12 step programme. Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), too.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I agree!

[@markusnaslund]

Some notes 1. Understand what being parentified means, view it through a child's eyes not a parent's eyes, 2. What habitual patterns of relationships you learned, ie: you are responsible for other people's emotions 3. Practice different patterns, will likely make you feel uncomfortable, guilty and anxious 4. Fully understanding boundaries, physical emotional sexual 5. Deep self knowledge, understand what your own emotion is communicating with you, change behaviour, validate self, have self compassion 6. Grief the childhood,

[@hilol9358]

Can you make a video on how to actually parent your parent? I already knew I am a parentified child and I just did not know the term I just don't know how to actually handle her with her temper tantrums anymore and the only videos I can find is how to deal with it when it's all over

[@singtoangels]

Sometimes you have to temporarily cut them off. I think it depends on if they are an actual narcissist themselves or suffered from narcissistic abuse and therefore have taken on traits of the narcissist in addition to their own inability to parent properly. Depends on the situation. You'll have to evaluate and get professional opinions on it.

[@hilol9358]

@@singtoangels Ive been cutting her off for short periods of time but the professionals say its unhealthy and I shouldn't (dont go to them anymore) Her soon to be ex husband fisically and emotionally abused her but I think its from one of her exes (she tends to always go after the abusive men, every person she dates is narcissistic)

[@singtoangels]

@@hilol9358 I doubt the word of any professional therapist who tells you that it's unhealthy to cut contact or go low contact with a narcissist or someone who is that toxic.

[@hilol9358]

@@singtoangels I didn't tell them the full story because I have caught both of them in some sort of lie (the first one was friends with one of my teachers and she would tell that teacher to check up on me and stuff even tho I NEVER gave her permission to tell the teacher I was in therapy. The second one put me on anti depressants and told me its to help me stay calm but told my mom it was anti depressants. I have also gone to my school counselor but she ended up going to all my teachers and asking them about me and she admitted it) My mom would text them and tell them that I would lock myself in my room and only come out when she is not home or sleeping and that I would completely avoid her and not talk to her for a couple of days Then they would tell me about how it is not normal amd how I should stop doing it

[@MK-fw9wx]

I spent half a year abroad and after that I saw things differently and did not take shit anymore. When I feel the 'tantrum' starts I explode. It has been 3 years now and our relationship and the parents mental health (as i observe it) is the best I ever experienced it. Turns out he just needs outside regulation and needs attention.

[@EpicRealEstate]

Very helpful video! Great job!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you for your support!

[@dongmeilyu9688]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[@industryliaison]

Barbara this is so great. I’m so surprised there’s content out there on this. I’ll keep exploring your videos to see if you have a separate video on each healing step.

[@Natalia-ox4zn]

Well, I do not think I am the only one I can rely on, but it is like I feel a lot of shame when I ask someone for help or I am also feeling guilty, and what is more important I think, I feel like I do not want to owe anything later to people because I am afraid that they will ask for something I cannot or I am not really willing to give, what can I do about it? :( I was parentified instrumentally and emotionally as well :(

[@mariamkinen8036]

I've lived life after that . Maybe not enough. Yes .Emotional gratification. Thanks.👍🏻Immature parenting.

[@mirelladlima5278]

Just being aware that one was parentified and coming to terms with the fact however unpleasant it might be is a step to setting things right with ones process of self recovery and becoming the person you were really meant to be😊🙏

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yes. 😀👍

[@amvletspade]

Thank you for these videos. I knew something was up, but not specifically what. My only question is, how do you seek support? Where would you go? I want to integrate new habits/a routine, but it seems like I’m all alone in it, which makes it hard to be consistent. What makes it more difficult is that I don’t have access to therapy

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Hi Jillianne: I'd recommend twelve step groups. Al-Anon if a parent or any family member was alcoholic, or Co-DA if not. Many meetings are online now, and free.

[@theswcoaching]

Hey Barbara, I was really interested to hear what you had to say here. It's not my expertise area, so it was really interesting.

[@DrLaraZib]

Aw thanks for sharing this - so useful for so many people!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thanks!

[@ryarya3291]

does a parentified child develop anxieties? I was parentified and I have severe hypochondria. Can you make a video about the causes of hypochondria and some solutions? Thank you very much!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you for the suggestion!

[@nelliemay6952]

Thank you for this🙏🏾

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are so welcome

[@yolly2292]

I ticked every box. Thank you 🙏

[@richardvanderlaak826]

Well, this resonates. Except that my professional life hasn't been successful. I gave so much of my energy and my time, that I became physically too ill to even start a career. So not only do I feel like a hot mess in my relationships, I feel like a failure in life as well in moments with breakdowns

[@ariacane8421]

Thank you for the useful guidance!

[@purplepassionplace]

I definitely fall into this category with my severely dysfunctional family but it didn't start until I was really in my teens and later spent many years in Alanon. I also learned how to set limits through that program although in my younger years I had a very good childhood with parents who loved me and would do anything for me. Later I found myself still living out that same role with other people in my life , but can you please help me understand how this can have anything to do with being in Freeze mode?

[@rodjansibal7119]

Hi Barbara, I admire your videos on Parentification. They are really informative. I am currently doing my research paper on this topic and you may have written research papers that I can use as related literature, I'd be glad to know! Thank you and stay safe!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

How wonderful that you are doing research on this! I have not published research papers on it, but I imagine you’ll be able to find some!

[@ScarfyFace]

this helped me so much - thank you barbara, i will be following more of your videos. your compassionate delivery of this information is particularly effective - even though i am watching this in isolation and find it difficult, i am also finding it extremely comforting.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I'm so glad it was helpful!

[@rdzmarin5011]

Thank you for the insighr.❤

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are so welcome!

[@CliffordStarks1]

Nice, keep spreading your message!😊👍

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you Clifford :)

[@flexflow4602]

How can a therapist know more about myself as I do? If I don’t really understand what happened in my childhood, how exactly I became the unhappy and lonely person I am, if I don’t know what habits I should change, which decisions I should made … how should a therapist be able to tell me what’s the right thing to do? This video is a good analysis of the problem. But no solution. Because there is not really one. Psychotherapy earns money by creating hope, hope that things can be repaired. All the while, there is no solution. If you are lucky you‘ll find some coping mechanisms. That’s it.

[@tattedupelizabeth5268]

Every time I succeed, my mother ruins it by laying on the guilt about her crappy life. Then I feel guilty and quit. I’m have a lot of anger, and a lot of regret in life. I’ve missed out on so many human experiences in life. I’ve lost my child hood, I lost my 20s, and now my early 30s. Taking care of my parents is not my purpose in life. I feel horrible for having to start being selfish with my life. I often think, why is my life like this. Why didn’t my brothers help me with my parents? I have so much anger

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Hi: I'd question the word "selfish." I feel it is what we are told when we are not meeting someone else's needs. WIshing you health and healing, Barbara

[@estrellacruzrobles3240]

Hi, I have a question, wouldn't a parentified child in a relationship would stay taking care of that parent and make it their most important relationship. I am currently with a person who's very involved in fixing and attending their parents emotional needs and we broke up because he never found his voice to communicate with me?

[@f.y.6845]

Hello Barbara, do you have any (practical) books on childhood grieving that you'd recommend?

[@InvestwithTania]

Wow this was so useful! Great work!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you! I'm so pleased you found it useful!

[@viviane_casella]

Anonymous programs act, at least in my country, as flying monkeys. People are very resistant to see things as they are and recognize abuse. You just have to forgive forgive forgive make reparations and take all the responsibility because you are the selfish one. A very admired gentleman who went there for decades and was also a psychologist said he was very neurotic at age 4 and was his fault he couldn't express at that age what he needed from his mother! At 4 and it was his fault! I went for a couple of years (Coda and Overeaters) and left meetings totally triggered, it took all this time for me to see I had C-PTSD episodes from the invalidation I was getting there.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

So sorry to hear this. Thank you for letting me know.

[@blueskies6475]

The truth of the matter is that we are divided and abused. There are no relatives around to speak to, there are no neighbors to help nor do police! There is no one at work; everyone is after your part time job. So, you end up venting to your child warning them this could happen to them but somehow it's "the parents fault!" Uh huh!

[@paolawildneritaqui7545]

Thank you

[@naomilevi771]

Hi Barbara, Thank you for sharing this helpful information. it is very valuable. I would like to know how to see it from a child eyes( step number 1), I mean I totally understand that it was dysfunctional, inappropriate unfair and very sad. I do the inner child healing and I feel those emotions that you’ve described in the video. I grieve and channel all of my emotions without judgment and with a lot of compassion and understanding towards my inner child. Is that what you mean by seeing it from a child point of view? Or there is anything else that I could do and feel? I look forward to your reply. Thanks again for this insightful video🙏✨❤️✨💫

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Hi: I would say, yes, that is what I mean. We work on the integration of this in my coaching programs. Sometimes healing is facilitated by support from others as well. Wishing you all the best, Barbara

[@TheMatureDiva]

Very useful info

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you!

[@CatLadyKorea]

00:57

[@amy_ford]

How come no mention of ACoA or ACA twelve step programs?

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Hi: I am a big fan of ACOA and the 12 step programs. I mention them sometimes in videos. For this one, I didn't... Many people parentified as kids were not in alcoholic/addictive homes... but some were and these programs can be super helpful!

[@marialutibaya536]

Do you have online seminars. Thank you.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yes we do. I have a free webinar, Rewiring Your Brain for Joy and Confidence: roadmaptojoy.life/rewiring-your-brain and an online course, which is self-study, though it is connected to a Facebook group for support and I go live in the group regularly: Roadmap to Joy and Authentic Confidence: awakenjoy.thinkific.com/courses/roadmap-to-joy-and-authentic-confidence

[@LittleRedDrum]

But this has been happening my whole life. Im 30 now and its STILL happening. What then :(

[@jayjunior7633]

Is there an alternative to the 12 step programme that doesn't exploit vulnerable people towards religiosity?

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I recently learned of SMART Recovery, which seems to be an excellent alternative. However, I don't actually agree about the 12 step programs, but that is ok! It is good that there are different alternatives for different people! All the best, Barbara

[@AR-td7cn]

12 step program is spiritual not religious, only you define what that power greater than yourself is.

[@jayjunior7633]

@@AR-td7cn Which is still my point. "A power greater than yourself" whether spiritual or religious still embodies the idea of dominance and hierarchy; kings and patriarchy. An alternative approach could be recognising something external to the self, a re-imagining of the self as an interconnectedness, a recognition of physical principles, a "belief" in cause and effect, trust in a methodology.

[@AR-td7cn]

@@jayjunior7633 YOU COMPLICATE A FORK. Sounds like your the Great I AM.Take a deep breath NAMASTE.

[@jayjunior7633]

@@AR-td7cn I'm advocating a great we are.

[@flpr777]

🙏👍

[@anettee.1805]

We live in such a spoiled society. Life is full of struggles. I don’t believe in self-pity.

[@kaitlinmontgomery9861]

Is there a way to talk with you one on one?

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Link to my 1:1 practice is in notes under the video. I only see a very small number of people 1:1.

[@marthahouston4702]

How can I have a private conversation

[@marthahouston4702]

With Mrs. Barbera

[@chuck3999]

Can EMDR help for Parentification?

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I believe so. Often the events to be processed are ones that are almost "atmospheric" rather than concrete individual ones, but a skilled therapist can help with this.

[@tek3freak]

Many GenXers probably were parentified.

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

Don't forget CODA. That's what they're there for.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yes, excellent reminder! The 12 step program, Co-Dependents Anonymous, for anyone who needs the support.

[@pdatnc]

Thank you! This is me! Just a note: There are two Twelve-Step Programs that are very useful for we parentified children: Adult Children of Alcoholics - ACA (there need'nt be alcohol involved - just dysfunction,) and Codependents Anonymous - CODA. Both of these programs have helped me a great deal and have helped to teach me very valuable tools. In my past I have worked as a substance abuse counselor and I know that there is a lot of misunderstanding about the effects of growing up in dysfunction. I found that a lot of individuals tend to balk at "accusing" their parents of any wrong doing. In my case, circumstances had more to do with my situation than anything. I had a mom who had been pushed past her ability to function normally. This is just to say that there needn't be any "blame" involved here for those that feel guilty about "dissing" their parents. Thanks again! Great video.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thanks for mentioning the 12 step programs! I am a big fan and think they can be super helpful! And you’re welcome! :)

[@MrSuperbluesky]

Thank you

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You're welcome!