Covert Narcissism: Control With A Sly Twist

[@JaelH7]

Withdrawing, withholding, dismissive, negativistic, obstructive, passive-aggressive, perpetual victim. Good video. Thank you.

[@marcirobins5144]

Fia H And bad attitudes.

[@just_peachy6582]

Quiche Lorraine I am learning so much here thank you ! This is spot on!!

[@unapologeticella4540]

On point

[@anniemargareth7617]

Yeah, they are passive to make you frustrated and the narcissistic supply comes when you are crawling in the dust for them/nagging them. Then you see them enjoying it. Thats when the smirk comes. When you are begging them for smthn.

[@cindyg9786]

@@anniemargareth7617 yes I have experienced this. So so strange. I didnt want to believe it at first

[@suedesteele4455]

My first boyfriend was a malignant narcissist. My second boyfriend was a covert narcissist. My third will be a non existent narcissist

[@Kpopmum62]

The last was normal I take it?

[@sfletch3042]

People with unhealed wounds, trauma, codependency etc attract narcissists like magnets. When we work on our own issues and heal then we will no longer fall into the pattern and won't attract them that way anymore. I'm on my healing journey. I wish you all the best!!

[@donkliewer876]

@@sfletch3042 so true

[@anisuafura]

My ex co worker is a covert narcissist

[@NarnianLady]

@@sfletch3042 I disagree. Even many healthy and balanced people have fallen victims to these abusers, and narcs often target those who seem to have it all together. They hate it when others are healthy and thrive.

[@patriciasimons1873]

They have this under the radar way of making you feel lousy-you can't seem to put your finger on it- you just feel crappy. I went no contact

[@sterbprepper4798]

They really do. Its like they have a special mind talent or skill

[@dawnnicolas7617]

I feel like I am in a perpetual state of Anxiety, and in waiting for the shoe to drop so to speak. It's never a dull moment.

[@dawnstonerock884]

Patricia Simons bingo!!

[@craigdunning5123]

Good explanation, i could never put my finger on it, but my gut was telling me so loudly..something is just off.

[@KidsWithGuns1992]

It’s interesting, I have an overt narcissist as an auntie who goes off the rails and is very easy to pick up on her issues. I have a friend whose always sort of made me feel bad, we had slept together years ago and I’m a lesbian - he sort of always says off handed sexual jokes about us being together like in a controlling kind of way. It’s very subtle but it makes me feel bad. I had never considered him to be a narcissist, but after considering it I think he is. He believes in lots of conspiracy theories because I believe it makes him feel superior - he has a sense of superiority to other people, and a real woe is me outlook on life as if everyone is out to get him. He also seems to take on a lot of his partners attributes when he’s in a relationship / which to me shows insecurity and lack of own identity. I could easily be wrong, but he seems to flip in his attitude towards me being quite nice and easy going but then quite controlling and passive aggressive.

[@ccoubz]

Every video I watch and listen to I gain a piece of my sanity back. Thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos. This subject needs to be taught in schools. So many people out there suffering without knowing the root causes until years have passed by....

[@zeldasmall2749]

Couldn't agree more, Scott

[@hchayes9431]

Ditto for me. I have been sharing these with my husband and now he can see "The glass ceiling of narcissism" with his some of his difficult co workers or employees.

[@pitbrand]

It took me almost 40 years to realize my father was emotionally abusive in these ways. I just couldn't figure out what was wrong and why he would treat his son this way. He had the best parents one could imagine.

[@hchayes9431]

And STRATEGY too!!!

[@acruz7641]

I did too!

[@Josefien59]

Spent 28 years with my husband, thinking “something is wrong with this man, but WHAT??”. Left him 1,5 years ago and only now, thanks to this kind of posts, starting to understand. The worst thing I experienced in our marriage were his cold, empty eyes looking at me whenever I talked to him about emotional matters. About how I felt he would not connect with me. He was just not interested in me or how I felt. Nobody understands why I broke up the marriage with this ‘kind, friendly, soft and hardworking man’, and my 4 children at first rejected me. I had a horrible time, but now things are getting much better and I am becoming the happy, cheerful woman again that I was before. This is so healing, thank you!

[@mattstando]

Hope you’re doing well, I’ve learned a lot from your comment🙏🏽

[@viviennedray7688]

I could be reading my own experience ! It got better over the last 23 years as I progressed, my three daughters addressed their own issues with him.We four are good friends. Wishing you well.

[@Kati-1]

My husband would watch me break down crying with frustration with those same cold dead eyes…

[@veronicawelsh5313]

Beware of Parental Alienation. It took me by surprize. My ex brainwashed my daughter and at the age of 26, 12 years after the divorce she rejected me. I am fighting back. The moment your relationship with your kids starts to feel off there is something going on. Learn as much about it as you can now.

[@angelakeegan2237]

Chilling how spot on this is for me & my husbands relationship. 29 years together & asking same question knowing something isn’t right. Lack of empathy even when I beg him to help save our marriage! Cold stares & even mocked me saying “Oh now you’re gonna cry to make me feel bad”. It’s like “No I am probably gonna have a nervous breakdown if I spend another minute trying to understand how you can tell me you love me but treat me with TOTAL DISREGARD & aloofness”. Concerned about his mental health so that is what is keeping me from leaving. Therapist said sounds like you are suppressing your emotions to protect his. Mind blown!

[@helenazaccardo6648]

As soon as they know you know what the game actually is they suddenly don’t want to play anymore.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That is a sad truth. Dr. C

[@meganschutte1674]

Is this my way out? Do I tell him I have him figured out? I’m pregnant with his child and just want him to go away and not seek custody and torture me forever

[@debracolter4693]

@@meganschutte1674 no

[@jennifernunn277]

So true.

[@jasonlomax4761]

I love u

[@torrihoward9729]

They start Off mild until they Bait you in Bait and Switch persona 😣

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Exactly. Dr. C

[@USNBLUE]

Bingo

[@MultiJay123123]

Yes!! Bait and switch!!

[@renaissance5300]

torri yess you are so right! very mousy then BAM lying stealing your things shoving me around --- dont show happiness they will hate you more dont show them you feel sick or troubled they will love it this doctor has terrific videos and a big help to all of us thank-you

[@sungirl9951]

Yes I just had lunch w a friend today (it was nice cuz I wasn't allowed to have friends) and this friend said I noticed in your last picture of him (narc) he had a weird look on his face. This was towards the end of relationship at a concert. The narc could not fake being happy anymore w me.

[@warrenmoore4743]

Coverts are worse because it's not so obvious...and you HOPE they speak your language so you try to "understand" their point....but it gets so weird you don't know what the hell is happening, and you feel like you have failed in compassion and empathy. Coverts are masters at making you OVER ANALYZE yourself.

[@Dona-fu9zh]

OVER ANALYSE; isn't that called gaslighting, another term learnt, (nothing to do with illumination).

[@serendipitous_synchronicity]

Couldn't have said it better myself!

[@buffhotchkiss7400]

Warren Moore how long shoukd you date. What no red flags. These oeople ar not that snart. Thats why you dont rush into a relationship with people. Including. Sex hello?

[@warrenmoore4743]

@@buffhotchkiss7400 these people come in different levels of intelligence. I don't know where the sex comment comes into play. Some narcs are truly geniuses, some idiots and everything in between.

[@ruffey1748]

Oh, you ain't never lied! They make you feel like you can approach them, that they're open books. It's a trap!

[@Almamater8888]

For me, the number one tell on a covert narcissist is the passive aggressive cruelty.

[@alethiamillner5603]

Yup

[@ericnorthman9410]

Mine knew I had been abused before him and jumped right in and played me again for his own use. And laid waste to me again. I'm 66 and Never experienced true love and don't think I ever will. But at least I'm not like them. I kept asking why did he marry me - I guess I gave him too much credit . Now I know after wasting almost 30 years . That's alot of years to lay waste to. But there was Alot of deceit not easily seen for a long time. I didn't have this information till just recently so I didn't recognize what was going on even when he Finally revealed himself and getting your information I can now see it fits almost word for word.

[@bernitacenteno1326]

@@ericnorthman9410 I thought that you sounded like a woman, but when I checked your name and found out you were a man I was surprised. Why do you think that is ? Example: When a woman gets selected by a narcissistic man, I suspect he will prefer about 9-10 years age gap. The women are in their twenties. " I Robbed theCradle", he will often smugly brag to everyone. He makes the woman confused because he means it. She is beneath me he is thinking. You wouldn't allow yourself to go with a woman 9-10 years older than you, would you ? That's step #, the seduction. I hope you did get free of all narcissists. You will seek your own happiness no fix the broken partner you're dating.

[@ericnorthman9410]

@@bernitacenteno1326 I'm sorry I don't understand your reply to me at all. You misunderstood everything I said - I'm sorry. He didn't act broken - like a person I needed to fix . He acted like my soul mate and Mr. Nice guy to everyone including to me at first. It had Nothing to do with me "fixing" a broken person. It was as a covert narcissist is - a good actor - good they can con you for years till they drop the bomb that - that is not who they really are -

[@ericnorthman9410]

@@bernitacenteno1326 And also I don't agree with you. A age difference really depends on the people involved - it doesn't matter to some. Some it does.

[@enmodelife]

Oh, they're "interested", alright lol...interested in having you *FULLY* serve their needs, meanwhile degrading, belittling, and blatantly disregarding yours. Their needs are the only valid ones.

[@EugeneAxe]

People don't realize the torture of being related to these people. They're passive aggressive, full of guilt trips, and play mind games frequently. They always act like victims too.

[@ronw484]

Someone I used to know said of his mother- she's a travel agent for guilt trips.

[@helenadeoshun2875]

I had a friend like this she I almost die

[@stingingmetal9648]

And they replace personal accountability with Projection.

[@bereal6590]

If you challenge them, they're either passive aggressive or a complete utter martyr, you can't ever win with them! It's irritating frustrating and upsetting. The stuff they come out with is unbelievable

[@johnvelleca1459]

And they lie about everything

[@christinemiller6566]

Covert Narcissists are the most damaging to a person's mental and emotional health. I really feel I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. The most dis

[@G2thesecondpower]

This summer, after invalidating my feelings and not being very nice, I lost it on my husband. He started calmly telling me that he thinks I'm very "emotionally unstable." After telling him that it's no wonder, since I'm in a crazy, toxic relationship, he kept repeating "Just keep justifying your emotional instability, Gillian. Just keep justifiying it.." over and over with a really weird, smug tone of voice. It isn't the first time he's used that "Justifying it" line--usually with tone dripping with condescension. Anyway, it got in my head so badly, that I nearly had a mental breakdown. I wound up on a friend's doorstep at 10:00pm completely hysterical, and then I fell into a 2 month depression. Great, now I'm proving him right... man, they really have a way of getting in your head. At least, mine does. I finally asked him to go stay out in our trailer, because I cannot deal with the craziness. The hard thing is, he has intermittent periods of awesomeness, which really throws me for a loop. Anyway, I keep bombing the comments section...I guess I have a lot to get out...!

[@Arya-cf7vu]

@@G2thesecondpower oh my gosh I feel for you and I know exactly what you mean with that smugness if theirs. You've got to get out. Don't fall for the love bombing phase when he draws you back in. You are stronger than you realise right now. My ex is a therapist!! He has wrecked my emotional life, driven me to suicidal thoughts and depression, emotionally abused me and our son...no one sees that but me...you need to get out and you can do it. Build and strengthen your network, start doing small things for yourself - don't ask permission - and build up to the bigger things then get away. Then no contact.

[@G2thesecondpower]

@@Arya-cf7vu thank you so much. I'm just now seeing your comment. Wow, your ex was a therapist? I bet that made him extra skilled at manipulating your emotions, yikes I am so sorry. As if your basic uneducated narcissists already dont have a preternatural ability to understand human psychology! I've been through this for 12 years. It's so strange it's like we have two different relationships, this horrible abusive side and then this really fun side where we work well together. For years I thought if we could just fix the horrible side everything would be better... Now I know that the good times are all part of it. I started researching years ago. I didn't come upon the idea of covert narcissism until they took passive aggressive personality disorder out of the DSM! after reading about eight books on narcissism and at least another 10 on verbal and emotional abuse--as well as coming to all these wonderful KZbin channels and comments sections on narcissistic abuse, it's finally sinking in that this is not going to change. Unfortunately I can't completely go no contact we have a child together, and our financial lives are very intertwined. It's a long story, but I'm working on untangling this knot and just detaching emotionally for the time being. Thank you so much for the support; I don't know where I would be without these channels and all the validating comments and support in these sections! :) :) :)

[@Arya-cf7vu]

@@G2thesecondpower I know what you mean by not being able to go no contact - I have a child with my ex too. But the grey rock thing really works - not engaging in their games, just being matter of fact and limiting yourself to text and email only to make child arrangements. Yes, sadly these covert narcissists can be therapists, teachers, doctors and religious leaders... (my ex was a teacher for 20 years and more recently qualified as a therapist, including hypnotherapy and nlp. ..makes me shudder - it's so wrong these people can be in positions of power and trust over vulnerable people. But it's excellent narcissistic supply for them and excellent cover :-(

[@G2thesecondpower]

@@Arya-cf7vu Yikes, I'm glad your away from your ex, he must have been really psychologically damaging. These types are so much harder to spot---especially when they're in "the caring" professions. I shudder... Until my partner and I financially separate, I'm practicing "grey rock." I can still get sucked in when he's fun and nice--I recently had a three week vacation from him (he was working away from home) and I was finally feeling some peace and calm and really working on myself. When he came back, we had a talk and he seemed caring and reasonable, but then last night and this morning, my concerns over a matter where dismissed with impatient irritation, (he has this way of acting like my concerns are petty and ridiculous no matter how large or small they are) and I said to myself, "Thanks for the reminder, I'm going to re-erect my deflector shields and set my phasers to stun..."

[@512Squared]

What I learned from my narcissist was that the passive-aggressive was a great way of telling themselves that because they 'weren't doing anything', that they couldn't possibly be doing something wrong. The fact that they have ignored you or completely shut down on you for several days and have ignored any pleas to come to the table to talk, sort things out, or just that you want to let them know that the silence is causing a lot of suffering - no, the lack of empathy means those kinds of appeals have little effect, and any accusations that they are doing something to hurt you leads them to tell you that they have done nothing - you are the one making their life difficult.

[@hippiecowgirl4231]

Mark Phillips . I think you nailed it . That explanation makes total sense. Thank you

[@canadianlady777]

I agree totally...but he pushed me too far..I want out permanently and I want despiritely to spoil his public image...He tore me apart and now I want revenge...then I’ll begin to heal and get reacquainted with ME...

[@canadianlady777]

Mark Phillips ...The silent treatment went on for weeks and when approached, he said he was only being quiet...Being quite and having the silent treatment played against you are two very different things...He always denied his actions...minimized any negative thing he did and made sure I took the blame

[@marshanewman5602]

Your advice is the absolute truth. Had to break ties with a loved one like this.

[@bereal6590]

Yes I keeps them holier than though whilst causing immense suffering. When I was a kid I couldn't take it, I'd beg to be back in the good books. Definitely made me feel there was no safe place growing up

[@dare2bdifferent1]

Beware the wolf in sheep's clothing.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Precisely. Dr. C

[@dianalyons3085]

They truly will never except blame for their faults and mistakes and are just not capable of or even really care what your thoughts are.

[@AlexanderGonzalez-hl8kx]

I'v learned to be a sheep in wolves clothing

[@EleaSuJa]

Wolves are beautiful animals that don't wear another animal's skins, unlike most human beings... These kind of people are capable of wearing the personalities of the very people they have torn down. It would be great if these sort of people weren't put in the same category as wolves, even in metaphorical terms...🙁

[@thecowboy9698]

@@EleaSuJa - Sounds psychotic.

[@Walk_on_Part_In_a_War]

"It's you who decides who you're going to be, not the narcissist deciding it on your behalf." Dr Carter, that is so incredibly powerful and absolutely on point. Tears of freedom.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Stick with that mindset! Dr. C

[@TheMandybug]

I have questioned if my husband was really a narcissist because he is not overt, but this literally describes him to a "T". The confusion, the cycles he would follow, the long periods of silent treatment, the covert hatefulness that I knew was there but could be hidden to everyone else. All the wasted times I tried to talk, reason or understand him all to no avail. So much wasted precious time given to try to make it work. The minute I figured it all out and stood up and said no more, the relationship was over, discarded like I was trash. I am so grateful for videos like this that have shown me truth and caused me to realize it was never about me. Now I can move forward and choose to have joy, be healthy and whole.

[@Goldgirl1978]

The discard is the worst...one minute your their best thing around and the next you are so way downgraded it's not funny. The confusion and trying to make them understand your view over such basic things is mind wrecking.

[@Goldgirl1978]

anddddd it's happening again with a new guy all because I don't accept his invitations to come over or respond much to his sexual innuendo text messages which he is hot and cold on and then after he's gone on and on about some girl he's been on dates with (only 2 apparently...yeah right) and says how he doesn't like her because she's too into god and he doesn't believe in god...yet he invited her to the tennis this weekend all the same...after a few minutes I then say, I like god...he goes a little quiet...he's not really asked me anything about me as he's always talking about himself so that smacked him one in the face...then ever since then he's so subtly less interested and now I get the down grade to we are just friends and give me space for a few weeks because your too full on at times...umm yeah usually that's in reaction to him and his strange behaviour and when I apologise he doesn't even acknowledge it, goes on to say he's taking his wife to the tennis (apparently the date didn't want to go...haha yeah funny that!) oh i know he's working a casual employee but he even he admitted he lost his recent job by pushing his employers up the wrong way. But of course he's making this downgrade out as my fault that he's not interested now...guess who used words full on in the first place?? I did! to him! when he was quick to try and get into my bed when we met and asking me out places twice in one week. then hot and cold with the sexual innuendo and saying ridiculously weird things like 'my phsyic told me i am a special and the woman in my life will require to be very patience with me' lol he's basically telling bat straight off the bat he is a narcissist...while calling his ex wife whom he is still seeing every few months one. Seriously f'd up. Of course I was trying to tell him that it's not exactly a turn on for me to keep hearing about his ex wife issues (still trying to make someone like this understand my point of view...i should know better by now right...) to which he proclaimed i was just making matters worse...matters that he is causing. Superiority 101...has to make himself feel good in rejecting me because he was already obviously being rejected by me...but no, in his eyes he is rejecting me haha and then well now, i am the one who has the problem because i sent too many messages...trying to make sense of his vague indirect message that he wants time alone...which felt more like....lets not be friends...hmmmm

[@TheMandybug]

@@Goldgirl1978 Ugh!!!!!! I don't think I ever want to date again. Out of that scene for 17 years, it's not even remotely appealing yet. Maybe someday, but the standards would be so high, so good luck. I think I will stick with it just being me, God and my kids. I like God. Lol

[@Goldgirl1978]

@@TheMandybug that's all just in your mindset. the first thing is to work on yourself and love of yourself which includes forgiveness of yourself and others...not forgetting what she did but forgiving her regardless. Once you can master that your own empathy will enlarge and you'll feel the desire to love again. It is not easy I know, i am single too for now...this is like the 3rd narcissist in my life but I'll stay open minded because I know the real deal exists out there somewhere and I'm a strong believer in law of attraction. Sometimes we meet these people a few times in order for us to learn the lesson which is to create stronger boundaries and to grow more as person to the point where these people don't even enter our lives or don't stay around long when they do. The most recent narcissist i met just 12 weeks after i left my ex narcissist and within 3 weeks he wants space because I am too full on. I am too full on because I have boundaries and i out right tell him how it is...see he won't stay around now because I am too much work and he cannot con me because I see right through him. You'll get there when you are ready :) best of luck. having said that, if being single truely keeps you happier (and it does me) then there is no problem with that either.

[@kristend344]

same with my grandmother. she wasn't grandiose - but this fits her.

[@ayeshabehery1400]

The feeling you get around these people is one that is so uncomfortable and uneasy. You just physically want to get away from them particularly if its a non romantic relationship, rather someone like your in law or another acquaintance. If someone asked me why i felt so queasy around my covert narc i honestly wasn't able to put my finger on it. So disturbing. Great work dr c

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you. Dr. C

[@djdoolittle1315]

True 💚👍 for me it was like being in contact with a dark negative entity, not a human being. Then my gut feeling, intuition tells me to go. Get away from it.

[@battle-angel2027]

@@djdoolittle1315 This!!!!

[@lisacallan5462]

This exactly. MIL is like that but I gave her the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't have for so many years

[@AnitaBarneycastle]

Ayesha Behery exactly! !! that visceral gut feeling is queasy!

[@kmarie1351]

In my experience, the covert narcissist isn't necessarily playing a game; instead they are covering up deep insecurity with these behaviors. The covert in my life certainly thinks of themself as a misunderstood and unappreciated genius who never had the opportunity to achieve the greatness they deserve. I was one of the only people who could keep up with them intellectually, but as an empath I worked way too hard to make them feel better about themselves, which left me doing all the emotional (and other) labor and receiving almost nothing in return. The lack of attention and intimacy was very painful, but it wasn't about game-playing for them; instead it was about protecting their wounded ego because they couldn't bear to be vulnerable.

[@tinekawilliams2715]

💯💯💯facts

[@irisssa333]

Me with my ex!

[@forgivemore4488]

Ditto!

[@fpdhu]

Brilliant comment

[@Jesusandcoffee3382]

Sounds so familiar.

[@Wistundra]

These people have a disconnect with reality. It's purely magical thinking.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's a good way of putting it. Dr. C

[@un-diluted7444]

well said. disconnect - not plugged into what we call fair play, decency, manners, integrity etc - in other words life w normal ppl

[@hilah89]

I think they are disconnected from their feelings, not manners

[@maryannesweet8824]

I'm starting to feel like I've been playing magical thinking. It's too strange having lived with this man for 10 years and knowing him for 12-13. We have too children and he has struggled with work and life and our lives went from moderately stable and blew up. He has so many different silos of his personality story and none seem to make any sense. He has diagnosed PTSD and mood disorders but whoa the DARVO and reality inversion is crazy town. That they're so convinced and convincing is just fascinatingly terrifying.

[@MrSk8erkbw]

Codependents be aware the covert narc will use anger traps to make you seem like the overt one out control. It shifts blam and focus away from them onto you and if you are anything like me and have been with that person 8 years or so, it can leave the codependent feeling ridden with guilt and concern they are at fault; even when the rational layout of events transpired to both sides of parties actions you will find your actions were all reactions to the extreme avoidance in the narcissist.

[@80808O]

Don't forget N's taking advantage of our louder than normal inner critic by gaslighting the ever living funk out of us.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well stated, Dr. C

[@coffeebarista1771]

MrSk8erkbw, I think I understand what you mean, but hope to ask for your insight about a situation to see if I have this right in terms of what you expressed. A couple weeks ago an acquaintance popped over our house with her dog. It was out of the blue, and both my spouse and I were busy working on different projects, but we tried to be courteous. Suddenly, it was as if chaos ensued in every direction. She started talking very fast and was all over the place. The door was open on the porch, and before I could clarify what she was talking about, her dog starts barking came into our house and nipped me on the leg. Being a dog person, I brushed it off, but asked if she could please put her dog in her car. She then gets her phone out and starts taking pictures of us and our kitchen, and I'm like...wth? So I motion for us to go walk out to her car, to see her off. This person had been asked to call first before popping over...not once but twice. After she finally left, I found myself feeling so annoyed and angry internally. But I didn't know who I was more angry at: myself, her, or her stinking dog. lol. Its like she swept in, totally violated our space and boundaries, swirled chaos on our peaceful day. I could be wrong, but since we had asked her to call first....this felt like a deliberate effort to stir up chaos. It was so confusing. In your opinion, is this kindof what you were saying? Is there anything you would have handled differently? Thanks for anything you feel led to share. :)

[@MrSk8erkbw]

Coffee Barista While stating the obvious first, I was not there and did not experience the situation. Was her conversation sensley frantic or was something important or hard happening to her? Based on what you are saying I feel like her actions were actions of an avoidant personality seeking attention when they’ve internalized the need to call and hang out. Some people will allow those neurotic behaviors to thrive. I fall victim to such concerns instilled from familial emotional and peer physical trauma in my youth. However, I try to find more healthy ways that I am comfortable with for approaching new social acquaintances. The important thing to remember before calling someone out on being a Narc is that often empathic codependents will begin to assume the narcissists behaviors has their own. Sometimes in reaching out to people they can seem on edge. I can say this from experience as I am having to snuff out my ex’s ways of thinking about the environment from what I know to be true to my own from my experiences in my entire life prior to the long but actually very recent and brief 8 years. Again, you know your situation best, it very well could have been deliberate narcissistic behavior. It seems she took photos your place after the dog bit you for what ever insurance concerns possibly, or this person is detective sorts lol and you are suspects lol. Like I said, you the situation best, you and significant other set boundaries and the person deliberately broke them to satisfy their own warped needs. Her actions none the less were very overt in nature. Covert Abuse is more like Tom cruise in mission impossible when has those perfectly made masks with the voice modulator microchip taped to his neck. The person shows up like prince charming and often to those in need of saving, in other words in an emotional low point. Like Dr. C says they pretend to be mature and emotionally developed but as time progress your eyes cross more and more in your interactions with them. I just wish I knew these signs when I was 21.

[@MrSk8erkbw]

Surviving Narcissism Do you have a video on tips for getting back into you body after re-closuring the childhood traumas brought back to the surface by relationship with the narcissist? I have a very optimistic mind and it has never been much of an issue to put the past to bed, my issues are the physical symptoms that arise as responses to our environment, i.e: issues with public restrooms, peer confrontation, etc. It’s like I have the healthy thoughts be nurtured but I don’t know how to react differently and when I fail to react adequately the symptoms get worse. Truly self damming.

[@rebelxapologist4505]

I'm kinda laughing over the THUMBS DOWNS on this video...because, I'm imagining those dislikes are from Narcissists! LOL I actually had to laugh at that to keep from crying about what was said in your video. Been dealing with someone and I am in no position to break free for a while. I can't wait till this will be a thing in my past and I can fly again.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good luck moving forward. In the interim I guess you'll get lots of practice in boundary setting. Dr. C

[@rebelxapologist4505]

@@SurvivingNarcissism That part still scares me to death when I think about doing that .... when I attempt to, dear god my entire being feels sick and my mind feels like it checks out...in a desperate attempt to do the disappearing act. I keep practicing, tho. You have no idea how much i appreciate your talks...I always feel centered and more courageous by the end of your videos. THANK YOU!

[@QuantumHealingwithTenaKaren]

@@rebelxapologist4505 you can do it darling! I never thought I could leave after 21 years of covert abuse resulting in my complete physical and emotional breakdown. It felt like my soul had been crushed, a covert narc can destroy a person without them even realizing its happening. But now you know, that is the first step to your freedom and one day you will get there. While I stayed, I built myself up slowly day by day, minute by minute, got a job eventually, saved money, learned to grey rock him, didn't give him the reactions he wanted and saved my energy for better things as I knew our relationship was more than over. Within a few years, I had enough strength and made the jump out on my own for the first time in my life. It's been over a year and I'm thriving. You will get there too!! I am proof that it can be done. So much love to you!! ❤️

[@sterbprepper4798]

A narcissist wouldnt even bother to look for self help vids onli e to dig deep into their soul so they wouldn't even be watching these vids or any self help vids because they are the shit and so cool and k knows everything about everyone😂

[@danielwiltshire8131]

The first part of your message made me lol, cheered me up as i never thought of that, yet its so obvious. ( i thought it was gas lighting lol ) I Understand not being able to break free, but dont waste a minute longer than you have to. Plan your escape to the last detail to keep yrself strong, I know someone too old, too tired, too ill, to leave now, and i thought how can that be possible to let the decades roll by,but they do. good luck

[@carolloraine223]

Leave them or they will run you into the ground! There will never be any resolution of any kind. You'll be wasting precious time and energy. Run! Your health and happiness depends on it!! Thanks. Doc!

[@SuzanneU]

There's complete lack of recognition of the victim's achievements and contributions, or outright dismissal with a denigrators comment.

[@FRTPGIRL]

"Disdain" has been my Narcs middle name from day one. Even when he was love bombing me in the beginning, I would always pick up on that sense of disdain in his eyes, that he would let slip at guarded moments. It would always leave me feeling, even through all the love bombing, that he couldn't be trusted, and my contempt for him started almost immediately.

[@Incantationem]

It sounds like you went along with it for some time, even though you saw through it?

[@FRTPGIRL]

I had to. I worked with the guy, still work with him actually, so I had to maintain a cordial relationship as best I could. It's not been easy though. If I had met this guy in s bar, or some other kind of social situation I would have never given him the time of day.

[@buffhotchkiss7400]

FRTPGIRL exactly SMART

[@buffhotchkiss7400]

FRTPGIRL creepy user

[@just_peachy6582]

myfav0s2012 yes exactly!

[@jerrys13]

I think the bottom line here is if the covert narcissist is your spouse or significant other - forget it, just get away from them before they completely ruin your life. I wasted 10 years! If it’s a family member or co- worker then you’re going have to learn ways of navigating around them.

[@betsybarnicle8016]

Co-workers?=transferred and starting at new location in a week Family?=started no-contact one week ago I'm at peace now. Waiting for the smear campaign by the family member, but I'll cross that bridge when it happens.

[@maryannesweet8824]

I have two young children and can't get away. I have to navigate their safety and wellbeing alone as well as my own

[@KK-dd7kj]

20 years…😢yes run!

[@FranNoesse]

My covert narcissist husband of 24 years is well trained in appearing to care. He always knows the right thing to say. Then you realize that he wasn't listening and asks no probing questions, and when you look into his eyes, he looks bored. We can have a conversation about my plans five times prior to the event. Then the day of the event, he will claim that he had no idea that I planned on doing whatever it is that I'm doing. Sometimes I think he remembers but is crazing-making. Sometimes I wonder if it's because he truly wasn't listening, even though he's looking me in the eye while I speak.

[@bloom2939]

Same has happened to me. Its his way to ruin my plans and make me think of him the entire time because he doesn't want to lose me. The narc has attendance to ruin all plans and make you feel guilty for doing what makes you feel good! I have tons of times my narc has done this to me and I hated every moment.

[@dawnharris6162]

Lights on nobody home! Definitely knew what to say, but no action behind it, I get it! Mine would ask what I want from the store n not bring it back!!!!

[@rebmc9725]

L8blumR same here! Mine will constantly yawn if I am trying to talk about feelings or if I am showing emotion in conversation 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@gonzaga45377]

Mine just looks at his phone. He has sabotaged me every chance he gets.

[@sajor1847]

Fran: The late covert narcissist I was married to for 24 years was exactly the same. Had he not gotten diagnosed with cancer I might not have survived.

[@COACHCLCHEER]

This man just summed up 55 years with a father and a grandmother and 2 brothers who were 110% evil and awful and ruined everything in peoples lives. Thank the Lord, I became like my mother and have the compassion and empathy for others. Sadly, my mom passed last year and my father 9 months later and I am now learning to live life without drama, stress and hatefulness every time I was forced to be in the same ZIP CODE as the 4 of them. I put up with so much to see my sweet mother that I loved and she put up with so much in 55 years. I have watched all of Dr. Carter's videos here and I CAN NOT STRESS 100% SPOT ON as he talked. I feel like a huge elephant is now off my chest and I can now choose to simply cut people out of my daily life that are EVIL. Thank you very, very much for laying this all out to get a final huge picture of what I will not be like and choose to break that dysfunctional cycle that plagued this family.

[@loveystar78cloud46]

I cut my father and sister( one overt narc and one covert narc) out of my life 3 years ago, and I haven't been happier.

[@rosangelparra3875]

Dr.les, ...how is it that with others aroumd me they always win?

[@rosangelparra3875]

I don't think I have the words to agree with you child that really cover my true and agonizing empathy with what you have said. ! ! !

[@freshstrt3140]

Sending you so much compassion and wishes for beauty in your life. You are amazingly strong and resilient, and blessed* to have made it to the place you have in your development. Thank God every day for your strength of spirit and inner rightness 🙏🏽 may you be surrounded by good people who share your good heart and likeness

[@bradmcewen]

In hindsight, what obliterated my mind, was succumbing to the shock of a Tourettes like rage, over nothings. Your stone cold stunned. Ofcourse that was always out of sight of any witness. When you least expect it. It beat me into a compliant state just not wanting another assault. I can't believe what I put up with. Romantic relationship attempts the worse. Lesson learned. All from a 125lb Hitler/Mussulini wanna be. Even her colleges called her a perfect Nazi. 54 years old with a trail of destruction. No long term relationship ever. A total disconnect from any societal norms yet a country club elitist. It's all image. It's all fake. It's all about your supply capabilities. I would think the stress, backs stabbed & lives assaulted would have caught up by now. It seems there is an immunity to stress that would kill a normal person. The elixir is the narc mind. Projection, blame shifting, the lack of remorse, the thrill of the empath kill. One after another after another.... Btw Dr. Always great info.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for the comments, Brad! Dr. C

[@DeniseLaFranceCDNpainter-z9g]

You're describing a borderline (BPD) covert narc who's got zero impulse control. Mask rips off in narc rage soon as you expose them. Then they go from 0 to 100 immediately...like suddenly a rabid demon.

[@bradmcewen]

@@DeniseLaFranceCDNpainter-z9g I believe with everything I have learned you are correct. At least a comorbidity. Not playing doctor here but I've got enoughjoumaled to back it up. At the grand finale I asked her if she knew what a borderline is ? She just plopped her head down on table. Was not like her to not immediately rage. How many times can they outright lie to your face ? Answer. Everytime. Not that pointing a finger or a label matters, but to fully understand a.b.a.p. as well as a good introspection as well as what boundaryless means. Grieving widower meets serial offender. History don't lie.

[@ladymaiden2308]

Brad McEwen wow you nailed it. We were going along so nicely at first... He seemed so kind and caring, so attentive and grateful for every thing, then, blam! red-faced, spitting rage from out of nowhere!! Literally out of nowhere!! Naturally shock. And while I stuttered out that I didn't even know he was upset until he was yelling at me, I was told that I was barbaric in my inability to read the signs. There were no signs. and of course, he was always perfectly Pleasant around other people, you never saw him upset if there were other people around to witness it. he was old and bitter and fat and never had any lasting relationships, I was Slender and 20 years younger, by the time I was three years in, the gun the bad habit of drinking too much... Probably a sad attempt at coping... and gained quite a bit of weight. when I would cut down, or quit drinking, he would buy me alcohol and also hide alcohol around my house for me to find, as he called it a treat. multiple times whenever I started to go on a diet, he would surprise me with Donuts or fast food at 11 p.m.,. 9 years in I was 60 pounds overweight with a broken emotional compass and lower self-esteem than I've ever had. I'm still not sure how I got out of there. Except that I finally got so pissed there was no stopping me. lucky for me, being fat makes me cranky. LOL.

[@bradmcewen]

Waking up is a glorious experience. Its too bad that the lowest lows must be experienced before self preservation kicks in. I got a feeling we'll never give that much of ourselves away again back to a civilized life. Its so important the experience does not taint our new & established interactions unless knowledge gained indicates an exit is in order.

[@nathaliedufour3891]

Brilliant ! They also triangulate to make people feel insecure about what they bring to the relationship !

[@just_peachy6582]

This happens a lot

[@TheHinnerksen]

1. False sense of humility - false feeling of approachability a. early impression of modesty b. not argumentative in the early stages of the relationship c.modesty is a disguise d. hidden superiority and entitlement 2. strongly dislike having their weaknesses known - strongly dislike feeling vulnerable 3. withdrawn self-centeredness a. they shut down when offended 4. lack of empathy a. I just don't feel the need to know you b. I don't find you interesting c. cold,disinterested, uncaring 5. sense of aloofness and smugness a. my way of thinking is pretty good, so why would I need you? 6. portray themselves as misunderstood special persons a. I have awareness and insights you don't have b. you don't know life the way I do c. they dont need to explain things to you 7. lots of passive-aggressive behavior! a. leave the room, stoney cold stares b. evasive + refusal to speak --> control with the least amount of vulnerability 8. disconnect between head and heart

[@christinehaigh9807]

They act nice till one gets to really know their true character. Bit part actors!

[@1207-y4v]

Im not a narcissist and wouldn't want people knowing my needs. Because it puts you in a position to be taken advantage of and preyed upon by malicious predators. Who will exploit your needs for leverage and extort things they want from you.

[@JulietteZephyr]

Yeah, I think that it's important to distinguish covert narcissists from people with trust issues.

[@user-gz6vf3yv7f]

You aren’t looking to be authentic within a relationship. You need vulnerability

[@carolloraine223]

Harshness and Cold!! Calling names with no remorse! They're awful to be around. RUN!!

[@dragoncult666]

This unfortunately helped confirm a suspicion about my partner. At least i have a term for it now. It's not my imagination.

[@JayDonagh]

I have two covert narcissists in my immediate family. Both of them formed a small clique and constantly feed off of each other. They spend a lot of time gossiping, causing unnecessary drama and manipulating other family members. It's not fun having them around.

[@hotrodrebel855]

The more you get to know them..... the more you get to know them!

[@gaze7278]

Listen people this video is absolutely on point!!!!! Thk u.

[@GUURL101]

I just went no contact with a covert narcissist. Best decision I ever made

[@vivdoolan6846]

Only discovered my mother to be a covert narcissist this year after looking at the ' drip drip ' of confusing selfish unsympathetic behaviours. It's been a revelation, but not a good one. I've had to mourn who I thought was my mother while she is still alive.

[@silethaking279]

Me too!💯

[@bonzodog67lizardking15]

Narcs are pieces of work, I'll give 'em that. I knew one who had a mother that drove the father into an early grave! Her mother wore a 24-hour-a-day sunny "everything is wonderful" look on her face, but in private the whole family were walking on eggshells at home to keep the peace.

[@nubiannemesis4691]

Same here

[@ghost-ez2zn]

This describes a new co-worker perfectly. Everyone thinks she is so nice. But those of us who are on to her know better. She is vile. And now she is blaming her inability to do the job on the four of us who are on to her game. She is complaining to HR that she is being bullied and THAT'S why her work is so bad. Fortunately I have a lot of experience with her type and know how to turn her tactics around on her. It's almost fun.

[@captlanc]

ghost 305 How do you do that?

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

My ex aunt and mentor. I call her Jezebel. People die all around her. Just drop like flies. My beloved 2 cousins both dead at 49 and 51. My uncle, her ex dead at 50. Her latest who finally left her might’ve made it to around 70, but he left her psycho ass first and didn’t marry her til later in life. SMDH. She killed my soul also and no telling who else she slaughtered as a “minister.” She is a murderer and the carnage goes on for miles and miles and miles. Blood all over the streets.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

ghost 305 Yes. Do tell. Lol. I’ve gotten a few licks in myself on a couple of them also.

[@Josh-pe5pl]

All so true. Married 57 years, still, to a covert. I didn't make the connection until I was felled with a chronic disease 10 years ago. As I look back, it has always been him first. Doesn't reveal his feelings...Im not even sure he ever looks into himself. Self-absorbed and doesn't care about anything that doesn't involve him, including taking care of me for smallest thing like acting put out to get me a glass of water, covering me with a blanket, locking the doors at night, helping me sort my pills, feeding the dog...Very passive-aggressive...evasive, walks out of room, doesn't get around to doing simple things promised for 3 or 4 years--like changing a lightbulb I can't reach. Not a team player EVER (I had assumed team-playership since childhood so took me 40 years to see it on even the smallest thing). Always a flimsy excuse or joke to explain everything he didn't do, say, share, etc. has helped to lower expectations and ignore ignore ignore his remarks and slights...in fact, expect them.

[@QuantumHealingwithTenaKaren]

Wowww this sounds so much like mine!! Everything down to the light bulb and physical illness. I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I got out a year ago after 21 years, I know there are many road blocks and fear but you can do it too. I was so worried how I would live on my own being sick but I have never felt better in my life being away from that negative energy. I had no idea how much he was affecting me until I was out of it for awhile and had run ins with him. I got instantly sick to my stomach and felt like I would vomit. Their energy is powerful and it's doing you more harm than good. I know you will get out one day and be free. Sending you so so so so much love, you beautiful, brave soul. ❤️🙏

[@SheLikesSteel]

Ivanalese Sappho : OMG you just described my 45 year relationship with a narcissist. He's also an excellent game player.

[@lilanesp3554]

Mine was the worst..he left me when I was diagnosed with cancer..

[@bobsmith6150]

Ivanalese Sappho I shattered my left heel several years ago, the worst pain ever and couldn't walk for over 4 months and then only with a special boot on. My ex narcissist wife would just walk right past me, never asked if I needed anything, water, food...she even took away my crutches and said the dog did....A few times after hours without water I literally crawled to the kitchen, she was gone morning til night. These "people" have no feelings and are cruel.

[@lilanesp3554]

Bob smith.. Same with my husband..I have symptoms of severe nose bleeding and just look at me..and I have fever on and off for two week and didn't brought me to the clinic..I ask him he said he is tired or busy..even he have insurance..he said just take Tylenol..I cannot go alone because I'm new here in the US..so it happens that I talk to my bestfriend about it and she text him..he's so mad at me cussing at me and yelling..telling me that I talk sh*t to my friend about him..I feel so bad that I left the house and met the wife of his friend in secret to bring me to the shelter..so then one of the staff there brought me to emergency..I was diagnosed with leukemia..was hospitalize he didn't spend any cents..while I'm at the hospital he brought another woman in the house and live with her until now..

[@SophieBird07]

I raised four kids with a covert narcissist. He played all those games. It took me too many years trying to get through to him thinking he just didn’t get what a great gift they were to have in our life. I always felt like we could be beamed up Star Trek style and replaced with another family and he wouldn’t skip a beat. Eventually I left when the kids were older and he moved out west, back to his family of origin. Our kids try to keep in touch with him, but he takes forever to respond, if at all. My (our?) only grandchild is turning two shortly, and Im not sure he even knows his name. They send pictures but he has never once asked about him. Sadly, my kids are now beginning to see what I was going through when they were young. My two sons, great as they are would probably have done better with no father on the scene, than a ghost in the background acting peeved and put upon all the time.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Very sad story. My heart goes out to you. Dr. C

[@julieankhan.2801]

That was my dad. Always ignored me or acted like I was this annoying thing in the background

[@bradleybrown1964]

My partner loved talking about his weaknesses and how “sensitive” he was. Further proof that he was more evolved than the rest of us.

[@ronw484]

OR they'll play the game of the outraged victim who is constantly being done wrong by others so they can say they "aren't like that and would never do anyone that way!" thus implying they're "morally superior" to everyone else. I'm sure there's lots more variations of these ego trips.

[@markfromtinder9616]

My favorite one is "you never let me win arguments" No one ever wins a argument . Its not a competition, your supposed to work together with your partner

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's a concept lost on the narcissist. Dr. C

[@brendaleverick3655]

Good teaching! Very helpful. My downstairs female neighbor is a covert narc. When I first moved in, she was in my face daily for several months. I tried to be friendly with her, but she informed me she had been previously a manager at the apartment complex I'm now in, and began to boss and try to control me daily in various ways. She also went after half of my monthly income, and wouldn't quit. I finally confronted her, and she instantly cut me off and wouldn't speak for months. I decided I didn't want anything to do with her; she doesn't make me feel safe and secure.

[@LyndieLouWho]

"Some werewolves are hairy on the inside." ~Stephen King

[@gnrncrue]

This was(IS) so enlightening! My long time 'former' BFF has all these covert traits, but SHE comes off very sweet, accepting, perfectly gracious, and just a little (cute)"dumb-blond" , -to be 'forgivable' about anything she is called out on. However she is very sneaky, calculating, intelligent, extremely competitive and self-interested, & doesnt do a damn thing for anyone (but rather uses everyone), including not even sharing information on health or ANYTHING that she finds to be a benefit to her life. And she strings people along even when she doesnt want them anymore (but she thinks she possibly may, in the future). That sweet,innocent ruse throws everyone off but you just know you never really feel the love being returned.

[@alisonwoods3385]

I’ve just realised that a “close” female friend is a covert. Something hadn’t felt right for a while. Now it all makes sense. I’ve had to go no contact and feeling much better. I’m ignoring the gas lighting and just trying to get on with my life. So tempting to tell her how I feel, but have realised there is absolutely no point. She’ll never understand. Only thing I’m going to say to her when she starts to hoover is “I believe what you give out in life is what you receive. She is now receiving what she gave to the friendship. Absolutely nothing!!” Thank you so much for the video. Really informative

[@huwhiteknight8867]

And what do you think happens when you try to "establish yourself as other?" Yes, that's right. They will discard at this point. They have no use for someone operating on their own program. Even if you just start with this in small ways, your days are numbered. I tried this 5 times, and I was discarded within a week or two every time. She was a particularly attractive female, and did have many qualities that drew me in, so I was weak in the sense that she had called my bluff, and I would go back and basically apologize for the attempt at being myself, promising not to do that again, then she would take me back. On the last time, it had been 6 months, I decided to start dating. The day after I posted my dating profile, she called me and brought me back into the relationship. This denial of myself for this person has caused deep psychological damage that I'm still trying to sort through a year later. These people appear to be the most amazing people, but are in fact extremely dangerous.

[@torresd61]

My sister is narcissistic and histrionic. I’ve gone no contact with her. She is horrible and done some really horrible things. My mother is covert, my brother is narcissistic and father was overt. When my son was diagnosed with a severe disability my siblings stopped talking to me, my mother told me not to tell anyone then began treating me like I was an undesirable person, and my father pulled me aside to tell me that if I thought this issue with my son was going to affect his life in anyway I had another thing coming. I was the scapegoat and horribly abused and neglected by all of them. I’m now 57, my son is severely disabled and requires our care 24/7. He’s now 27. I’ve gone no contact with my sister and minimal phone contact with my brother and mother. My father passed away. Your videos have really helped me on this healing process. It’s very hard when your mother is this way since we all seek love from our mother. Unfortunately mothers like this are literally incapable of loving. My mother can’t even say she loves you. I truly feel sorry for them. The three of them, mother, brother, and sister, all cling together blaming me for all the family problems. They are masters at gaslighting. It feels sooo freeing to finally see this and know without a doubt it’s not me!!!

[@gazoo7411]

Very good analysis. Be careful people. It's dangerous out there.

[@amjPeace]

May I offer a thought to your viewers, Doctor Les? I had become quite an expert at walking on eggshells for over 40 years before I finally began to educate myself about narcissism. Now I still walk on eggshells, but they are MY OWN EGGSHELLS. In other words, I consider how such and such a decision or course of action will affect ME, not just HIM! (Forgive the caps, just using them for emphasis.) Thinking of them as my own eggshells helps me remember that my feelings, opinions, judgement, preferences, etc. should be my primary consideration in life. It is making me more aware of my own feelings, and that I am entitled to them. It is a whole new concept for me, and it is going to take practice, but I like it! I would love to see a movement among fellow survivors: "I walk on my own eggshells!"

[@Camper292000]

There's great wisdom here. Good point.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm on board with you! Dr. C

[@michellecarter8872]

I love this! I have walked on HIS eggshells for 28 years! He will pout and withdrawal no matter what I do. So might as well make choices that make me happy.

[@earthhealer1174]

I WALK ON MY OWN EGGSHELLS!

[@amjPeace]

Yay, Shannon!!!!

[@lyttnup1]

Wow. This is brilliant. I’ve never heard this distinction of Covert Narcissist. Makes so much sense. 👍

[@bethmorano1452]

The number of years we put up with this is not a badge of honor. A badge of honor is breaking away from this highly dysfunctional person. It will hurt, you will grieve and you will need to protect yourself. The real badge is finally thinking you do not deserve this and you develop secure boundaries, refuse to be treated like this anymore from anyone. We are all here to offer support, suggest resources and a collective shoulder to lean on. You can do it. You’d be surprised how strong and resourceful you will be. 🥰

[@youtubingbabs]

I feel like they're holding me in disdain! 😮😮😮 That.

[@carolloraine223]

veggiesforlife Me, too. I aways felt like deep down hated my guts! Sad.

[@just_peachy6582]

Me too

[@louiseoboyle7623]

I'm so exhausted but thank you for giving me the strength to carry on. DRC x

[@rain3743]

Thanks for being a P.h.D and understanding this. I am sick of "mental health professionals" not recognizing 1) we were narcissistically abused and 2) that we are only part of the problem, and until someone else helos us show up for ourselves and validates our experience as something other than crazy we can't even begin to heal. Until I healed myself of my codependency I was really unable to shield myself from these cluster B's, too. It eas like a moth to a flame. Also, I am a bit over this whole new trend to label BPD as Bi Polar or Aspberger's. It lets them off the hook for being totally destructive assholes. It's like a new license for them to be an extra level of evil. I have compassion or them. I do; It's because they can't or won't get the insight to change, but I do so from a VERY SAFE distance. I win by not playing. Period. I won't be hoovered back in. Thanks for not being just another flying monkey mental health professional.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're welcome. Dr. C

[@Camper292000]

Rainbo Good words!

[@funsizeboyce9196]

Me too. I'm fucking angry that I had my mind stolen and nobody believes me.

[@rain3743]

@@funsizeboyce9196 The anger subsides as we heal, but I support you in allowing your anger to be acknowledged. For a long time. I thought the anger was protecting me from them, because I always felt so powerless. As soon as I realized I am the full one and they are sad emptiness, I could tap into my already available "super power," called forgiveness. I applied it to the situation and the narcissist (because they are pathetic and not worth any more energy) and it healed me. I am not like them...thank GOD. I was so grateful that they clearly saw a difference between me and them. Extreme self care became my focus, along with talking to someone who understands and watching videos from this community really helped. Anger is completely understandable and necessary to walk in our own power and dignity after encountering these beings.

[@egrace3738]

Preach!

[@Lola-mt1ne]

I enjoy your videos. The manner of speaking that both you and Laura utilize is easy to listen to, and to the point. Thank you for your contribution to this complex and all-too-prevalent personality disorder.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

There are many layers to narcissism, which is why we're able to fill an entire channel discussing it. Thanks for the good comments. Dr. C

[@Amanda.Marie40]

Everyday stronger and healthier. Healing is happening!

[@Eveava2383]

It’s you who decides who you are , not the narcissist deciding on your behalf. Thanks a bunch! Means a lot,this is so helpful.

I appreciate your videos. I am dealing with a Narc and you have given me some usable tools to work with.

[@tranquility9325]

CaboWabo70517 they never change for the better. In fact they get worse as they get older.

[@tweetiepie551]

The only tools you need are your running shoes...seriously just run.

[@fayprivate7975]

You just described the person in my life. I was mystified at first. It was a difficult situation. 23 years later, I totally know what he is. I have to say that walls went up for me that are still there. The biggest issue is trust. Over time, he has mellowed because I think he may have learned to trust me. His guard has lowered a great deal. But the old "shit" comes through at times. I don’t let him engage me in quarrels. I don’t back down or bow down to him. I don’t let him diminish me. He had tried time after time to make my hobbies and interests seem inconsequential. He tried to make me throw out my things that he said were junk. He said I was hoarding junk. I didn’t back down. I didn’t let him throw out my stuff. After years of this, he finally gave up. You can’t let the narcissist ever think he’s winning. You have to let him see that you are strong. You must not be afraid of him. I don’t rage at him. I never put him down. When he’s wrong (about me) I never agree with him. I just prove to him that he’s wrong with my attitude and actions. When he’s right about something, I say, "That’s true." On the positive side, he takes care of me completely because I have some serious health issues. He’s gotten very affectionate. He’s very generous. He’s a lot more careful about how he approaches things and how he talks to me. One of the consequences of his diminishing me is that I never give him gifts. He’d always get rid of things I gave him, or never use them or just stick them in a box or "lose" them, including beautiful things I made. He still doesn’t want to eat a lot of things I make. So now, he has to do the cooking. I know he loves me. I know I love him, but I can’t just love him joyfully. There’s still too much pain and distrust.

[@CaAnPeSe4ever]

The covert narcissist hides behind the overt narcissist. This is the dynamic between my husband’s brother (overt) and his wife (covert).

[@James-kw4vp]

Thanks, you always seem to explain narcissism in way which minimizes the projected feelings that sometimes plague me from Narcissist's I know well. I've for too long felt I'm to blame, which has become an inner pattern and resulted in significant somatic issues... and poor behavior on my part as a result. Understanding this is one thing, but understanding the motivation, and indicators, behind the Narcissists approach helps me be aware and extinguish this pattern of projection, denial and blame. The unconscious may be truly unconscious, but at least I can see now.

[@justbe646]

Hi James, Excellent commentary!!! Being aware of patterns, either from the conscious, subconscious and unconsciously with understanding of one self it actually shows empathy and compassionate. Please do your best not to lay any blame, as it appears from my perspective that you've learned and will continue learning lessons. Now go give yourself a pat on the back. Better yet place your right hand on your left waist or shoulder, your left hand on your right waist or shoulder then gently squeeze. That's equivalent with a Real Hug c/o mwAH~

[@francowan7324]

James sal L Dai

[@lornai7171]

Sadists who have perfected the art of faking shyness and vulnerability, but who are sneering behind a smile.

[@daxb85]

Oh my gosh. I am bawling right now! I've been married to a covert narcissist for 13 years. I feel hollowed out beyond hope. I've been researching covert narcissism for months but this is the first time I've heard it said aloud by an expert. I listened to it 3 times in a row and it confirmed all my suspicions.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Stay with us. The goal is to provide insight. Thanks for your comments. Dr. C

[@lorenavitaa]

🙏🏽❤️ I hope you are okay Dana

[@bls837]

Your lucky to only have 9 years in. I have been married for 48 years and just found out what was wrong with my husband. And found out I was co dependent too. In my situation I will stay and confronting him has helped so much. Now he makes very small efforts to change and recognize my feelings are valid and I am not crazy. This is hurtful to find out but we are now working on both of us to be more independent of each . I am treating him the same way he treats me. You want silence.... I can give you all the silence you need. After a year he began to realize what I was feeling. I look at it as a mental health problem and we are working it out. I sure would not have stayed if someone had clued me in! I have suffered lost of esteem, and had thoughts of ending it all thru the years. Even with knowledge he suffers trying to communicate, it has been extremely hard the past years! It has gotten so much better with treatment for both of us.

[@francinesmith8109]

@@bls837 9 years is terrible as well, you asked for that 48 years and you got it...should've left after 9, alot smarter.

[@OceanSound100]

This is such an accurate video Dr Cater. I been wondering if you don't mind, how do you get to know so much about this disorder ? You really have it down packed to such a degree that you may have had to deal with them yourself, or your just plain good at what you do with out the experience of actually dealing with them -- A lot of therapist do NOT know about this disorder..... is it in the DSM ? You have a way of conveying this disorder with such kindness, honesty, but with so much dignity in tact -- you really are special. Thank God for you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Wow! Thanks for these comments. I've been in counseling so long that I've seen just about every kind of relationship dysfunction. Historically, my greater emphasis has been on anger management, but the narcissist kept popping up, so I followed the trail. BTW, I've known a few in my personal life as well. We therapists have to deal with it too on a personal level. Dr. C

[@puresoul1368]

OceanSound100 thats true am amazed as he describes these dynamics to the letter. Its yes yes yes.

[@asktheetruscans9857]

1 most psychologists had a whole chapter on NPD. That's it! Even if they do come across an NPD, they might not even recognize it because they're so good at acting. 2 many psychologists cover for them on purpose because they're NPD also! What better profession to get into than one that teaches you how to control other people's minds even better while providing the best plausible deniability mask ever? Beware!!!

[@OceanSound100]

@@asktheetruscans9857 That's a good point and i will watch when i choose a psychologist out there - thanks

[@ayseg253]

Anthony Raynes thanx for mentioning this- nobody ever does and its so annoying that it seems to be assumed therapists are some sort of perfect people who are beyond having this. I had a therapist who was, -i am now pretty sure after much pain and research,- a covert narc, and as you say he was in fact exploiting his position and lack of accountability, gave me as much or more problems and pain than i may have had when i met him. What can be done about this?! And i am curious how you got to know about narc therapists when it does not seem to even occur to people? I wonder if a video could please be made about this topic as it is so damaging since it occurs with credibility, in private behind closed doors, and with no accountability?

[@Ozma337]

Cold, aloof, smug. That pretty much sums it. One of my ex’s favorite tactics was to start talking to me as though he was speaking to a customer service rep, as though we didn’t know each other at all and were simply conducting business. And if he didn’t like my policies he’d take his business elsewhere.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It's like you're just a number to him. Dr. C

[@qiuwbr091]

Covert narcissists seem to hook up together more than all out narcissists. They love to have complaint sessions with each other. I try to pick them out in film noir movies where their traits are extremely obvious.

[@maggies2322]

My husband of over 30 years fits this description. I’ve been practicing the advice at the end of the video for several weeks and not being his narcissistic supply. He’s bewildered but it’s so much more peaceful for me.

[@Aisha_Davis]

Covert narcissists absolutely come in various forms. They are VERY hard to spot but I’m getting better at it.

[@sheli3648]

WOW!!!! You just described my soon to be ex of 30 years to a T. Incredible these people are so disconnected from emotions. Zero empathy zero moral compass. And he thinks there’s nothing wrong with him. Good god I can’t run fast enough. I’ve never felt so employ and alone in my life. I knew I had to get out of that hell These people are evil.

[@chadandrews98]

I find myself thinking “maybe it’s me”... “maybe I am too sensitive” But now : I am “other” now means: I am running in the other direction. Thanks

[@erstwhile3793]

Finally, someone is really describing the narcissist I live with. The absolute stonewall against any kind of vulnerability, the passive-aggressive withdrawal, silence, judgement. The “I don’t want anyone to know who I am” (actually spoken aloud in tones of extreme alarm and anger). The “othering” of most of the rest of humanity. The belief that all forms of relational dialoguing are personal threats and attacks, no matter how kindly, tactfully, openly, and vulnerably I attempt to approach them. All the good guy stuff he does, is done not from a place of real empathy, but from a need to prove he is a “good” guy to himself and others, because that’s the source of the superiority. The statements about the covert narcissist being someone you cannot be “tight” with, or intimate with, hits hard. This is the conclusion I’ve painfully come to over the last couple decades with my narcissist. Based on experience, I’m going to toss a guess out there that this type of narcissist is the type that shows up most often in religious communities? Religion has certainly played a huge role in my narcissist’s personality formation, through it’s heavy influence on his parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and so on back to the early 19th century. The shaming and black and white thinking are basic factors.

[@anonymerbenutzer5574]

I think a lot of these types are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I see a lot of recovering addicts play the same type of games too. And the "professional martyrs" too. They look slightly different than this specific type of person but they are in the same club.

[@christalclear8226]

My former husband used to be behind the scenes claiming I'm crazy and verbally abusive. I did not know he was doing that. He told my children I've never done anything important, always depicting me as unworthy. He destroyed my life.

[@christalclear8226]

There is a reason my photo is an owl hiding. I am still broken and devastated. He stole everything I cherished. My children my most important loss. He was always lying in wait to pounce. Plodding and planning.

[@notesbynaq]

BUT, They do show you their so-called humanity and "humility" but it's only to get your sympathy for them which gets them supply ..AND by showing how so-called humble and good and honest they are it also is a way to brag about their "superiority"

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Spot on. Dr. C

[@butterflybrains243]

I obtained two degrees in psychology. I understood the disorders of personality very well. There was no mention of NPD. There was psychopath or sociopath in relation to lack of empathy. Now the name is narcissistic. You can change the name but it is the same. The same disorder that killers and criminals have is this disorder. Be warned. If he sees you suffering or struggling and doesn't care get away while you can!!!

[@Kajp-se9eq]

The best thing is to walk away and never look back before they drives you crazy. We cannot fix them period.

[@ladybird8375]

This is exactly their character. Not much of a marriage with these sort of people. You can be married a whole lifetime and you will not be able to achieve a close bond. As you get older the marriage becomes an association and nothing else.

[@tracyhall8028]

They will Flip it as well and Say to You..... it's All About You! There is Absolutely No Empathy.

[@puresoul1368]

The worst kind if you ask me and they slither like a snake so that you can quite catch them. They tend to cover their trucks you almost cant catch them. That false humility is their best cover and when you finaly see it, its purely aweful. So true about everthing said and so sad for the victims.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes... Dr. C

[@jdaze1]

False humility is a BIG SIGN!!

[@85Pesticat]

"It's in my vested interest to destroy you upfront, before you feel like you've got something on me." - Yes, that is exactly what the CN I was in love with did. It was utterly devastating. But, the more I figured out that he was avoidant etc, the more terrified he seemed to become of someone understanding his patterns... and then he did something that showed a complete lack of empathy and that hurt me so terribly, it's taking me a long time (comparative to the time in the rship) to work through it. This video helps a lot. And, yes, yes; he begun with so so much humility and modesty and downplaying his intelligence etc, but... there were also covert signs he (and his mum - who later made up and spread lies about me within his triangulation/smear campaign) was judging me and wasn't truly on my side, despite always acting with empathy to my face. He always behaved like he was so gentle and kind and never did anything wrong - but he would avoid talking things out with me, and really hurt me, but get me to feel sorry for him in any way he could - and then, at the end, totally shocked the hell out of me. We were so in love one day (at least, I was...) and the next day, he just went cold. He seemed to be jealous of me having a happier life than him, and it spiralled from there until he sent me the ultimate gaslighting email, which was the thing that shocked and devastated me. Even being cheated on at the end of a long-term relation didn't upset me as much as this person. This shook me to my core; hence I realised that it must have been the result of being with someone with some sort of cluster B personality issues going on. He claimed to have autism and bipolar disorder and used these to gain my empathy and pity... but I believe there was a lot more going on. - Enmeshment with his mother, avoidant personality disorder, covert narcissism. I first met this person 25 years ago and only had a relationship for 4/5 months... I feel I have a fair idea of his background. No one in his immediate family is free of mental health issues/personality disorders.

[@mariharris8535]

I’ve been living with a covert narcissist for ten years ...it has slowly killed me inside....

[@kathleenlastname9171]

I remember discovering these qualities in my partner and finding my own explanations for them. Oooh, he must ignore my deepest feelings when I share them because he's uncomfortable talking about all this emotional stuff. Ooh, English is his second language so me must not understand me when I explain how hurt I feel by his behavior. He decides he would rather go out with the guys than pick me up, and I only find this out after getting ready and waiting for 3 hours for him...He must have just been really exhausted from work and forgot. He rejectd my hug and shouts at me to STFU when I cry the night my mom died...He must be tired, or overwhelmed by my show of emotions. But he never wanted to break up, so that's what made it so confusing. 15 years later he still says he wants to stay together forever, yet I had to leave before he could muster any sort of image of concern for my feelings.

[@cozettem8226]

What hurts so badly was my ex boyfriend was a covert narcissist towards me but not with his other ex girlfriends or female friends. They all remained friends but he treated me horribly and insults me and is nowhere to be found when I need help or a favor but jumps to help others and I’ve always helped him with anything he needs or favors he needs.

[@ezrc9294]

Lack of empathy is the foundation of this disease...these people can fool the world....these videos are mind blowing and a blessing to those who who lived in a pure hell..every description is absolutley precise.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are correct! Dr. C

[@Joelswinger34]

This totally describes someone I had to deal with for many years. She breaks into tears when confronted about her behavior, and pretends to be a victim when she is really a perpetrator.

[@togagirl100]

Fantastic break down.

[@lighttheway5088]

I am making my plan to leave safely. Thank you for the videos. They may have saved my life and they certainly taught me how to hang on to reality in his crazy making.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good luck to you! Dr. C

[@lighttheway5088]

Surviving Narcissism With heartfelt gratitude, thank you.

[@chrisp2481]

Great insights. I confronted someone I knew on a pattern of negative behavior, and he came back like a tidal wave. And then he hasn't spoken to me since. And you are 100% correct on the smugness factor. Something he certainly didn't like was that I REALLY knew him, and I wasn't overly impressed, just merely a friend.

[@SitesWithAds]

And again feel too crazy about you. The list - so far- turned 8 pages long. And after three months without a single word from her, and me feeling pretty good, getting better, assuming after the first three weeks that she has discarded me, and after months then figuring that was the final discard... suddenly out of nowhere she said she wants to ride bikes, be friends, and sends happy little texts about things she knows I like. So, these videos, and going back to my List of Grievances again and again, has helped me stay in reality. And it seems like one of the most basic things on my list is... I do not enjoy being with her! Isn't that enough? OK then... so, these videos, with explicit, accurate descriptions, and the warning about the HOOVERING i thought I would escape but after THREE MONTHS it came.... Really helpful! Thanks

[@bereal6590]

These are the best descriptions I've found!! Way more clarity... Thank u 🤗🤗

[@asgharakram]

Anyone else experiencing a creepy laugh . I told him now he had neither love nor money. And during silence treatment sent me a creepy laugh clip.

[@Miss_Wonderful1]

Finally I've understood how my ex partner could be so helpful and kind to others and the exact opposite at home, giving me the silent treatment, being annoyed when I needed help etc. Now that he left, everybody in the small village I live feel so sorry for me because I've lost a gem, and they think he'll realize how much he loves me and, eventually, come back! If he comes back, they can keep him 🙄

[@Libra_Girl.]

My ex is a covert narcissist. This guy was good. He was subtle to the point where I still can't prove the problem was entirely him. People on the channels told me things he said and did were negative and mind games, gaslighting, mental/emotional abuse and all that but I can't prove it. I have to assume motives and intentions and he always had a different explanation for everything. Always had a reason that wasn't abusive. Even with the silent treatments he gave me, I know he did those to me but he wouldn't admit it was for a bad reason. It was to get me to think and see things he needed me to see without him having to tell me. He said I needed to realize them on my own because if he tried to tell me I wouldn't really be learning. My mom told me he was controlling but I just didn't see it. I thought she was just reacting based on things about my dad. She would say "He's like your dad!" I still don't know if he did everything on purpose or if he was just operating in his own perception of things. Even the last emails I got from him last year I don't know if they were being mean to me or not. (Yes he kept emailing me after the break up because I thought he really wanted to be friends and "help" me as he claimed. Stupid I know). He said he looked forward to years of friendship with me and whoever I end up with. Anyway, it's ridiculous how long it takes to recover from this stuff. I've been on these type of channels since December 2016 trying to understand everything and I'm still not convinced I didn't cause him to act the way he did. I think he was the problem to an extent. He did have controlling behavior that I see now but not then. But I still am trying to figure out if he related to me the way he did because there's something about me that caused it?? I can see things so clearly in other peoples' relationship stories. It all seems so cut and dried in their situations. I can see the abuse and call it out. But my own situation with him not so much

[@rubberbiscuit99]

He got inside your head and took over. This is what they do, especially the clever ones. Those of us who were "primed" by a pathological parent(s), which maybe your father was, make ideal targets for narcissists. Keep watching Dr. Carter's videos and read books and work on yourself. You will feel better in time.

[@wrjpiyush7928]

True. We can't proove that. It's very difficult to point out is it their fault. It's very confusing

[@laturley7445]

Here's what I hope for you. Please do not worry so much about placing blame. It didn't work out and that's all right. This happens even when people work really hard to get along. The only way that worrying will help is in order to identify areas that you may need to improve. It's ok to expect honesty, consistency, and reliability from our romantic partners. It's also ok that we feel safe, secure, and loved. Good people don't play manipulative games, lie, cheat, or steal (especially in their marriages). Your feelings are correct because only you know what happened behind closed doors and you know how it made you feel. Healthy relationships don't leave room for you to doubt whether someone loves you. Trust yourself because it's your life and you're the narrator. Your feelings and experiences count before anyone else. No one can live your life for you. Take care.

[@SunandSunflowers]

Covert narcissism makes you doubt yourself and you rely so much on this person you pretty much believe anything they say about you. Its a insidious , parasitic thing that's its hard to shake cause you don't know your in an abusive relationship. Most people are normally a mess but covert narc is calm cool and collected. When he has you. He trying to help you! Really? Like some basket case. He getting supply off of you still being connected to you. you may not think so but he is. Start rejecting to things he say about you things that you were normally be silent about . watch. Giving you the silent treatment, not speaking to you,ignoring you. Punishing you for disagreeing with him. If you make your own decisions opposite of what he wants and he doesn't get mad right away but he picks a fight about something. If he does any of these things . he is abusing you. Its about control and getting his way.

[@QuantumHealingwithTenaKaren]

@terra First of all, you did nothing to cause this. He took advantage of you and yes, it was emotional abuse and yes, he probably is like your father... That's why you have such a hard time reconciling it because to do so we have to admit that our fathers were also emotionally abusive. We don't recognize it because it was normal for us to experience that. It was our relationship model. But it's not normal, it's unhealthy and it's abuse. We also fail to recognize fully because to do so would negate every belief we ever held about ourselves and our parents. I know the struggle as I, too had trouble accepting this. There is no blame to place as you can never prove anything and it's not worth it anyway. The only thing left to do is heal and move on. Recognize what is abuse and what is love and don't ever accept anything less than what you deserve... And you deserve everything. Love yourself now, give yourself permission to heal, find your strength and know your worth as a woman. Much love. ❤️

[@venticap]

This video, with your others, really changed my life. Thanks

[@RantTherapist]

Doc you are saving lives by the thousands. The stress alone from dealing with these people for a long period of time is enough to drive you into the grave.

[@janemarinelli2838]

Totally describes my husband. Most people think he’s the nicest guy which he is around other people. At home he’s cold and aloof.

[@love2learnmitchell329]

Little kid going "poof" to adults isn't cute. It's rude and disrespectful.