The Easiest Way To Detect Covert Narcissism

[@twenty3electronics]

Some are almost impossible to detect. If you criticize them, they don’t go into a rage outwardly, but instead plot passive aggressive forms of revenge. They can feign empathy and even pretend to be listening to you when they are actually ignoring you. They can be extremely generous and use money to control the victim. The first thing you will notice is that they don’t really seem listen when you speak. They will act tired or distracted and only perk up when the topic relates to them. Second, they don’t cheer when you win. If you have an accomplishment, they will try to minimize it and change the subject. Any qualities that makes you special or unique will be ignored. You will feel you must keep positive aspects of yourself hidden to maintain the relationship.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I remember when I was trying to save my marriage. We were up till 2am talking and he seemed to understand everything I said. The next day he got up in such a mood, you wouldn't think we'd had any sort of a conversation. Also I was sleep deprived with 2 young children. The divorce happened 😊

[@lisabrigali8582]

Yes! It took years for me to piece together the passive aggressive revenge ! So subtle and if if I questioned anything..he get defensive and blame me. I never new the depths of his resentment of me. All while keeping his good guy mask on.

[@josho.9530]

Damn straight. Whenever I was excited, I was told "Ok, can you calm down?" Nope, sure can't. That's what happiness feels like.

[@davidhimmelsbach557]

What I have noticed is that they break away from the convo the moment it is not pumping them up. This includes convos that would appear outwardly to be ones of interest to the covert. For coverts and overts: go Grey Rock. They will find other objects -- which is what people are to narcissists. Your worst impulse is to educate/ correct/ expose them. That's dynamite. Just don't !

[@MrRandy1221]

@@davidhimmelsbach557 You're so right. It's instinct to want to confront them. It's useless. Don't cast your pearls at swine... 🙏

[@angellacanfora]

It's almost like narcissists are underdeveloped, emotionally stunted, "arrested toddlers." A lot of their behavior is so childish - throwing tantrums, picking fights, bullying, etc. Interacting with them leaves me feeling like I've just dealt with an entirely different species, one that has a completely different perception of reality.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, amazingly true. Dr. C

[@jcnlaw]

Perfect description.

[@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723]

Funny you mention ALL that Professor Sam Vaknin on KZbin says is exactly what they are arrested developmentally they are infantile, people with shattered foundations…. They put you in a parent/lover seat and then try to take you apart because they are confused by their attraction to you they cannot see you as equal. Instead have adult attraction to you but have a broken child within them, which you then automatically involuntarily slid into their parent…. It’s Very weird. You should check Vaknin out. You’d feel totally validated!

[@bohunkjunk2514]

I don't know how to make friends and I'm so old now 51 with no husband, or extended family. all I have is my dog. I need to join a group or get a hobby but I am so broken and now I'm back in a situation where I'm caring for my elderly narcissistic father. my life is a mess. I've gone no contact with him so many times 4 years at a time but yet here I am. I am seeking some counseling and have gotten on antidepressants so I guess that's good.

[@angellacanfora]

@@bohunkjunk2514 if it makes you feel any better, I’m in a very similar boat. Same age as you, no spouse, caregiver to my elderly N mom who I have been estranged from off & on all my life. I stay sane through my various artistic pursuits. I also constantly remind myself that I don’t have to let her have emotional power over me. Remind yourself that no circumstance is forever and try to take as many long walks as you can! Wishing you the best.

[@CFCub]

Not cheering or being genuinely happy for you when you succeed is a huge sign of narcissism.

[@DicyaninGlass]

Oh mannnn😬😧I always wondered “just why can’t you be happy for me? For once….” And when things went painful & wrong for me.. they would kick their heels with joy & smugness

[@dahliafiend]

I opened for a famous legendary musician. Played solo. After my set. She just frowned and said “I’m tired”. It was 11 pm. On a Saturday. She was always tired when the focus wasn’t on her pleasure. Not too tired to drive to another city and screw people tho.

[@littleladyinlalaland1749]

you might notice it with other people. like you give them good news about another person and their energy doesn't go up. they almost look disappointed. and they'll say "oh great."

[@OneWhoKnowz]

We called that haters or jealousy 😂

[@cherobinson6371]

Especially f what your doing is life changing for the positive. They absolutely loath anyone who’s taking positive personal/ spiritual steps forward. Absolutely hate peeps n Recovery. They love to once people who just got up in life back down

[@nishakuttyphoto]

The small smirk when something bad happens to you.

[@aricaiwdjts]

1000% see it

[@locsta409]

@@nishakuttyphoto absolutely! When you notice it for the first time it’s horrifying! The realization that you are living with evil. And yet you still justify that evil smirk somehow.

[@nishakuttyphoto]

@@locsta409 so true, its the justication that keeps us stuck.

[@borabora324]

I’m crying because I thought I was going crazy every time I see it!

[@kimparke6653]

Totally.

[@alextomlinson]

The one GIANT thing I overlooked is: When you are down, they are up. When you are up, they are down. YOUR HAPPINESS IS TRIGGERING TO THEM. It's so subtle and unnoticeable at first because you just try and cheer them up, or stop being as happy/lively around them, because if you are they start avoiding you and giving you the cold shoulder. Before you know it, you're taking on their misery and they all of a sudden are happy as Larry. They feel entitled to be happy so if you are happy they will ENVY you for it and covertly bring you down to get a boost

[@helenmcclay2622]

Its why they withdraw/withold eventually.

[@futureofmoney3527]

Had a neighbor like this. He'd instantly detect my mood and act accordingly. If I was light and happy, he'd become combative and disagreeable. It was like he was programmed, and he'd be my counterweight. Toward the end of the "friendship", when I was down (because of him, because of his put-downs and outright insults), he'd act all light-hearted like I was being too serious. The last time I met him, I called him out so eloquently on EVERYTHING, he basically buffer overflowed. He tried every tactic, he even right on the spot made up a rumor about me that the whole neighborhood was in on. I laughed. He had nothing, his hand was weak, I truly revealed the shell of a person he was, and I told him we were through as "friends". A very satisfying day.

[@Flor-k4p]

Very true.

[@loulouober62]

wow that is a good point ... so bizarre

[@lindsayp9691]

@@futureofmoney3527I have one of those too!!

[@AJRich-pw1zm]

It's always someone else's fault. Pass the blame. No accountability. This is their game.

[@tranquility9325]

And they never address what you say directly... they ignore it and keep going with their tirade and victimization boo hoo the entire world is attacking me!

[@happyme3556]

1000%

[@stephanieo222]

Ohhh they never take responsibility and accountability, its always someone else's fault!

[@cindyj5522]

IKR! The eternal victim who is never understood or appreciated by people who owe them so much.

[@berrisfueller6221]

My step daddddddddd 100%

[@shemaisrael1258]

Anyone else feel like there’s an over abundance of people with these traits? Sure makes me want to continue on in my own healing journey and set healthy boundaries. Seriously, I’m praying for people who find themselves here, listening to these key pieces of insightful information. 💝

[@cfjohnson7369]

To me the most astonishing part was when I saw that I had to heal from a relationship with one narcissist, only to see that many more narcissists cross my path. Maybe I attract them.

[@lockylique]

@@cfjohnson7369 No its not you, they be created for the end times🌼they be fallen, not you. keep your head up🌹

[@aj2964]

Way too many...

[@kwetsephetla3597]

@@cfjohnson7369 I think you’re attracting more because the universe is testing your boundaries. Testing to see if you will put all your lessons and self-healing into practice ❤️

[@logeshgasen1310]

Sad...real sad.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

One big hint for your detection radar: They don't share meaningful experiences, unless it is how they have been victimized or beat someone.

[@user-ob1hc3bi9x]

Wow. This is so insightful. It's like I knew it but also didn't know it consciously. Thanks for pointing that out!

[@hollystevens5905]

So very true. They are so consumed with their own narrative and past traumas. It's like they are stuck on repeat.

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

@@hollystevens5905 spot on.

[@angelapitts2123]

100%

[@trumpeterswan4177]

In hindsight, you are exactly right! Note to self, watch out for this too.

[@abbyhancock2022]

Nothing heals more than comments section. Knowing not just me being “ ungrateful “ and they’re just really good at pretending. Deep down I never felt being real touched. So true! Those people are so draining it’s not funny!!!!

[@monicadub5280]

I used to tell him he just likes “the sound of his voice” because he went on and on, and there was only room for “his truth”. No self reflection, no insight

[@aricaiwdjts]

zero self reflection

[@nicoleheroux5749]

@@monicadub5280 19 years of torment. He used to wait for me to get to the house and go absolutely stark raving batty locomotive steam blowing faaaaREAKKK til I lost my marbles and threw it tight back. Yeah all the yrs came to a foamy boil I just talked and talked one thing led to another.,, when I was the only one talking he’d have his iPad on record to call family etc making me out to be the cheater. Haaa! Before he hot sick I met a longtime best friend that lives several blocks down the street. After cmng home from the hospital he has his best frd here after18 yrs if never ‘seen’them together! O dear lawd he turned into someone I didn’t recognize. Extremely freaked me out , to see he was definitely playing the female role and Buster the dude. It’s been nearly a yr and I feel frozen. I must move forward PTSD is real. These ppl are snakes Similar to the enemy who comes to STEAL KILL DESTROY Won’t stop til defeated. Forget about the 200 passing go RUNNNNNN!!!!!!

[@hashsand]

Yes, monologuing is right there with them. My narc husband would go on non-stop after getting home late night, and even when I finally started to show I was exhausted at the end of the day, he would ignore it and carry on.

[@bennigoddess]

Yes!

[@dejalopez9527]

@@hashsand right! And then you’re the bad one for “not wanting to reconcile”, and says we shouldn’t go to sleep mad at each other. Like, it’s 2am, you just want me to accept your false narrative!

[@lorinotarius]

Can you imagine how lonely it is being one of these creatures? They have to lie to and to keep secrets from even their closest friends, a spouse, children, everyone, in order to feel powerful and that they 'won'. That means they are not truly connected to anyone, ever. What a horrible, unbearable existence. No wonder they're the most miserable people on earth.

[@suesilva5252]

Apparently none of it is on a conscious level. They are completely oblivious.

[@houseplantnerd2872]

I've actually contemplated this a lot. My narcissist could have had wonderful, fulfilling, deeply meaningful relationships with my children. They have grown into wonderful adults who I love spending all of my time with. My narcissistic parent is in their 80s and they have missed all the meaning of life and living because they feel nothing. They don't feel beautiful sunsets. They don't feel the love of a dog. They never have love for the sake of loving. "Love" is a scheme to get what they want and nothing else matters. My narcissist has missed living, missed everything. Sad really, to never really love, feel empathy, feel compassion. What's the point then?

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

The aging narc lives a brutal reality, and ime, just gets worse. I imagine it's like holding your hand on a hot stove for years, and getting more and more angry at everyone that approaches the stove. After so many years, hardly anyone approaches, and God help those who do.

[@allanwalli2935]

So very true!

[@MJ-qb5ph]

@@suesilva5252 that’s what blows me away - how can anyone be that disconnected?

[@douaa1934]

There is a hidden agenda behind their sympathetic seeking facade. Self-serving is their only goal

[@MJ-qb5ph]

You should copyright this - it sums up the whole thing

[@patriciafry8634]

So true. And if in a family or work situation, they will often undermine you with others behind your back if it gets them something they want. What’s in it for me is the constant preoccupation

[@MissSandyC]

Exactly - I've found that the Overt/Vulnerable have the same goals - they just go about it differently. The Vulnerable you can't see for some time - it only surfaces when they experience a sh*tstorm (usually of their own doing) - then you see how they handle it - or don't. The excuses, the projecting, their NEVER taking accountability for their part in it. The, "I'm a good person" when you start questioning their excuses (that never seem to hold water).

[@francesbernard2445]

Hidden agenda is right. Sympathetic seeking or offering us sympathy while being chameleon like to only their own advantage.

[@cynthiathomas5754]

It's spooky to watch them do this with new people. Usually the newbies figure it out and avoid the Whiner.

[@megramos2888]

I can't afford a therapist. You're doing God's work for my mind and soul. Coming from a mama of 4.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

I know right. Dr Carter and a few others saved my life. Bless

[@lynette599]

You MUST watch Dr Ramani's channel...she is excellent at explaining and a true expert on the subject...she has made it her life's work.

[@clairewolf6013]

Hang in there! Btw. Try crappy childhood fairy for good practical solutions on healing.

[@now591]

@@clairewolf6013 Yes she's excellent and that is what's needed -good solutions on healing.

[@cindyj5522]

@@now591 with all the mental health resources regarding narcissism and its effects on people, there aren't enough online resources to help with the recovery people need to experience once they end such relationships. I think there is a lot PTSD, guilt, shame and fear associated with the aftermath. how about some help with that from all the mental health professionals.

[@renko9067]

Another trait I’ve recognized in narcissists is that when they get angry with you, it’s a different kind of anger than you might have seen before. It’s like a curtain drops over their eyes. Their eyes become cloudy, and there is a rage that almost causes their skin to bubble. That only needs to happen once or twice before your palms begin to sweat whenever they call or come over. Because you never know what will set it off. Alot of these videos talk about narcissistic partners, but there are narcissistic adult children, narcissistic stepchildren, narcissistic in-laws-people that you can’t just walk away from. To me that’s the real difficulty. Having a narcissist in your life that you can’t just dump.

[@jimjam8949]

But you can have less to do with them. Heartbreaking as it is Ive done that with one of my adult siblings. Focus on what you need out of your life to keep you well 👍

[@Jenifer_G]

So true darling. Best to you.

[@p19shelt]

Yes you can. Just don't interact with them.

[@FaithAndRepentance]

I'm only looking for the family advice

[@Smellslikenarcspirit]

If you cant walk away expect an early grave , be in jail , or end up in a psychward .

[@annebodee]

You have described my husband (of 40 years) to a "T." Everyone thinks he's such a wonderful guy. A strong Christian. A family man. Meanwhile I spent decades so confused because he talks the talk, but with me he absolutely didn't walk the walk. We have 4 children and I often felt like I was raising them alone because he was never around. Off doing the things he enjoyed doing while I was a stay at home mom trying to keep my head above water. I read all the books about how to be a good Christian wife, but it didn't matter because nothing I ever did was good enough for him. Just when I'd think maybe we'd made some headway in our relationship, he'd move the goal posts. After 25 years of being abused emotionally and mentally I withdrew and then he really doubled down and even slandered me to my kids and some friends. There's a lot more I could say, but bottom line is now I do me. I like myself and I will never, ever, again change for him. Not even one tiny bit. Of course it's driving him crazy, and being married to him is a nightmare sometimes, but I focus on my kids and grandkids and a few close friends. I truly didn't understand covert narcissism when I met and married him, but I do now.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

Forbearance, forgiveness, long-suffering, helpmate.... all a con to keep women in their place. I always wondered why it was so important to keep people in their place.

[@Peachie90]

Good for you!! These people are chameleons

[@berrisfueller6221]

Sorry you dealt with that! Honestly…religion is not, I repeat, NOT an excuse to be controlling and stuff. Nothing really is an a good excuse for it. I’m not religious, but I’m saying it.

[@kathleenjbazan5563]

When I first read your reply I thought I had written it. For me it’s been over 40 years, I knew something wasn’t right but I could not for the life of me figure out what. His true colors began to show when we had children, I was his supply and now all my attention was not on him. I was also a stay at home mom when they were young, his work was his escape, we were not a priority, and I raised them without any help from him. He was always gone for work, which was a good thing, and I ran the household on my own. He was an uninvolved dad, but tried to take all the credit for raising two great boys! Therapy has helped me so much, he knows I don’t put up with his crap anymore, and I gray rock him most of the time. His health is failing, and I’ve decided I will not be his nurse and caregiver. When the time comes, it’s the nursing home for him. The problem I’m having is I don’t trust what he says about his memory, forgetfulness, or his state of mind. Is he still acting, trying to manipulate me, doing these things for attention? He has lied, exaggerated, made up things for my sympathy that I don’t trust anything he tells me. I will never be controlled and disrespected by him anymore. I deserve better.

[@lynnharrell9598]

…..but I do now.

[@Stolat79]

People tell you who they are, believe them the first time. Trust your gut.

[@christophera3330]

It is "When people tell you who they are…" And it is not you who said it, it was Maya Angelou.

[@Stolat79]

@@christophera3330 I didn’t make the claim that “I said it”, as I know Maya Angelou is the originator you are making that claim of me. I mean if you want to go this route I’m all in. So, I was already paraphrasing this quote as Dr. Angelou actually said “WHEN people SHOW you who they are…” You are seriously going to comment just to nit pick a person on not using quotations? Why not comment on the incorrect quote? Why did you not reference Dr. Angelou with her hard earned honorific? Geez. Bored? Remember Christopher it’s Dr. Maya Angelou. Cheers.

[@Booboonancy]

@@christophera3330 Yeah ok but there’s no need for that. Plenty of people have come up with variations on their own, it’s not that big a stretch.

[@magikjoe3789]

'I'm used to getting my own way' was the one I foolishly chose to ignore. Almost ten years and a large chunk of my mental well-being down the f'ing toilet.

[@Shaun.is.typing]

Man .. my first memory in life is my mom throwing me against the wall when I was 2. Im 37 now and I’m just clueing in that she told me who she was the first time..

[@jcnlaw]

Seasoned divorce lawyer here. Terrific video! Vet very carefully before marriage! It will keep you out of my office and out of family court. Run from a narcissist!

[@Sarahizahhsum]

You are a very good lawyer! Busy job for you, so much divorce and narcissism these days. I dont remember this being so bad two decades or so ago. I think its social media. What are your observations about why so many are divorcing?

[@jcnlaw]

@@Sarahizahhsum Agree!

[@EightBallAnswers1]

Exactly, they NEVER change no matter what they say. It just gets worse

[@patwojcik1203]

Location pls.

[@jcnlaw]

@ PA and NJ

[@krisztina442]

Just say NO to them and express your own opinion and you will immediately know... They can't leave it at that. Their rage is just one thing but they show you the whole arsenal: rediscussing your boundaries, trying to convince you, making you feel guilty, scapegoating, punishing, etc. And then you know that! There's no doubt! 'NO' is a complete sentence, even if it's a short one and my boundaries are non-negotiable. That's the lesson I've learnt.

[@natinamack5123]

That's my mother spot on with exactly what you've said. To add salt to injury, she's also a well like Christian lady who just loves everybody! Smh...

[@krisztina442]

@@natinamack5123 Oh my God, a religious narcissist! They are the worst kind together with communal narcissists...

[@christinagipperich2780]

“No is a complete sentence” is my mantra these days.

[@snoozers5]

Feeling of guilt, gaslighting / scapegoating, punishing was the way I was controlled and totally confused. Did you ever notice that they are happiest (in th erelationship) when you are at your lowest?

[@rudolphguarnacci197]

@@snoozers5 Yes, i have noticed.

[@Indigo_newness]

They pretend on social media as the victim and such a good person to help humanity but in the background are awlful and very abusive especially to their best supply...

[@mrsz1988]

Omg yes. I had to unfollow someone on fb because it's so freaking fake.

[@katyb2793]

Do you know why they're the most abusive to their best supply? I've seen this, literally, but I cant comprehend it, and I don't think I've ever heard anyone say this except you, but it certainly is true.

[@Lisah707]

“No” is a complete sentence. I learned that one recently. I started to immediately reject anyone I was dating that wasn’t kind. And I practiced rejecting anything that wasn’t loving. After a short time, a true sweet man walked into my life. Ladies, if you have a propensity of attracting a narcissist or addict, go ahead and trying being a little selfish. Just try it. For us over-givers what feels selfish to us is really (probably) just strong boundaries.

[@sarahfrasher3513]

TRUTH! This needs to be a top comment.

[@Lisah707]

@@sarahfrasher3513 thank you!

[@mercyrahma9501]

Thank you for the advice👌☺️❤️

[@helenakurcewiczowna6695]

This is golden! Thank you :-))))

[@Lisah707]

@@mercyrahma9501 💜

[@ThePancakeJedi]

When you say no and they go into rage, shaming and blaming. When they reveal themselves to be judgemental and controlling. I trust my gut and run.

[@laura2842]

sometimes they use the silent treatment in the hopes that we will miss them and reach out!!! listening to Dr.Carter's videos alerted me to the "manipulation" they use and I am so happy to be rid of the toxicity in my life and let them think it was their idea. UGH gross people!!!

[@bkh5648]

It’s not always that simple

[@isabellesender]

@@laura2842 gross is the right word. Sadly, this is my mother.

[@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723]

Wise Yoda, mmm Very Wise!!! “Help you I will”, is what they say. Help you, I will…. We need to question what and why.

[@cindyj5522]

damn! wish I had done that myself.

[@Tassie71]

Also: they are always the victim. I found this shocking to watch. They never take responsability. Someone (or somewhat) else always did it. Is this your experience too?

[@ktwhimsy6946]

This is so true! The only time they aren’t the victim is when they make themselves out to be the “hero” of the story… (usually by taking credit for the things other people actually did)

[@stayce751]

Ha! Yes, never ever took responsibility-EVER.

[@ST-yc7uj]

and they also take credit for something that they most def did not do. try faking that you don't remember whether a certain chore is done or not, while you actually know you did it,meaning-it is done, and they'll explicitly and naively lie to you they themselves did it. it's beyond ridiculous.

[@ellie9030]

They refuse help and keep crying your ears full with their believes and get angry when you are tired of it.

[@christar9527]

For sure. In fact they’ll reverse the situation and make the totally innocent person (usually their favorite target) look like the guilty one when it was clearly them all the time. It’s shocking when it happens to me. I couldn’t even speak when my parents were doing it but there’s different reasons for that including they blatantly wouldn’t allow me to. I was dumbfounded!

[@katebrunne4311]

There is a fine art to dealing with this kind of person. The first step is learning and educating yourself on the narcissist and their tactics. At that point of awakening, it is a huge win for the victim or codependent to finally understand all of the confusion and chaos the narcissist has caused throughout their time together. Then, the great challenge is going about the usual exchanges with the new found knowledge, avoiding the temptation of trying to educate the narcissist on what you have learned, but instead going about it with a quiet wisdom and the ability to defend one's boundaries without explaining or justifying oneself. No matter how wise or awakened you have become to the narcissist tactics, they will never hear you on it or understand why they need to change. Resist the urge to try to teach them what you have learned because the narcissist is not a teachable person. They will continue to use the very same tactics against you to damage you despite how profoundly educated you have become. Keep your boundaries and your peace to yourself. Do not expose your new knowledge, instead play them, let them think they have won. But know deep down that the victory is yours.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

gracias kate: helpful info here. looking to make the *'discard'* my spouses 💡 idea 1st.

[@ericaveillette6388]

EXCELLENT advice and insights!

[@melaw5]

Well stated! I am currently honing my skills on this.

[@judytomlin9508]

So exactly true. Been doing this 5 years and its so tempting to scream narcissist at them but any show of emotion is what they like so im working on that 1!!

[@JessicaJLandi]

I dare say the narcissist DOES learn, but only more slick and crafty ways to manipulate.

[@natural3362]

Narcissists are really prone to envy and jealousy

[@ingrid3578]

This is so spot-on. The public and private persona really hit home. A street angel, home devil.

[@cheriefuchs6671]

I called him "stage" Bob and "off stage" Bob. He'd come off stage, take off his costume, and that's who I lived with.

[@butterflycomb]

Exactly. Same happened to me. Now narcissist is on to me adding overt the last month. I wouldn't have believed in a million years this person was even remotely like this. Very, very mean...

[@seajayart1147]

Narcissists don't do nice things for people altruistically, they do it for the adoration they need for themselves. Altruism requires no such adoration.

[@namastea]

For manipulative reasons

[@traceygraves3573]

@@seajayart1147 Yes! Or because they want something in return.

[@Heaven-dy9lj]

This is true, I'll give an example. Last Christmas, was our neighbours 1st Christmas without her husband. I said to my children, ''let's go over and give her chocolate -wish her well'' I asked my wife. She stated ''why go there, and bother her?'' she didn't go. The neighbour was emotional, I wanted to show we remember her husband and care. A few months later this neighbour bumped into my wife, and said how nice it was we went round, our children are lovely etc. My wife came in ecstatic. My wife actually said to us ''why can't I do gestures like this?'' It's only when she gets supply of adulation and thanks she values this interaction. Of its self, to have empathy for the sake of its own she cannot feel. At all.

[@Clennings]

I call it the hussle.

[@kateprothero-davies7165]

And, using doing nice things as a manipulation. Everything is transactional with them.

[@marcusarelius]

I dated one for 2.5 years. Whatever you do in your life, don't date one, don't be friends with one, and I'm sorry for anyone who happened to marry one.

[@mainanteza3725]

I married one. You're right. it's very hard to be a prop and maintain one's self respect and self love. I'm working on and exit

[@jackdaniel9571]

Yes, I married one to my regret! She is a Hollywood quality actress who didn't show her true self for 5 years until her overwhelming need to be an inferior victim was revealed, but then she worked very hard to become that. I would never allow her to take away my self-respect and in the process, I removed her supply. She is vindictive and brings up both real and imagined wrongs from 20 years past whenever he wants to accuse me of something. Coverts are the worse kind of narcissists as they don't show their true selves until they have their barbed hooks into someone.

[@nwatson2773]

My mother is one! The best day of my life is when she will take her last breath!

[@marcusarelius]

@@nwatson2773 I didn’t know people like this existed years ago when I happened to date one. I can’t imagine having to grow up with a mother that has these tendencies.

[@nicoleheroux5749]

@@marcusarelius last yr marked 18-19 yrs he passed away and the mess that was in despicable and could never get worse., the sister is just like him. No will? Lies and destruction is their path- Womanizer with best friend and social media platforms of porn all over the world. Garosssss!!! unthinkable acts! Then I think, from childhood trauma to ‘familiarity’ ? Sheesh! My brain must stop the Rolodex of images . He was s now at rest and I’m Exhausted. He said to have had me in his will His sis said there wasn’t one- This disease runs rampant through the bloodline. Blessings (:

[@chelseaj2356]

End the relationship/friendship/whatever ASAP. You can’t fix them because they don’t want to be fixed. Only hurt and turmoil is guaranteed. Covert narcs are the absolute worst.

[@windysmith7367]

So true

[@Rigoletta53]

Pure evil. They are possessed.

[@brendataylor7524]

Very true, this how they discard you when your friend. Very rude too.😮

[@cathyandresiak]

Being with a covert is like a slow slow burn, piece by piece they try to destroy you. They are the most difficult personality disorder to figure out .

[@magikjoe3789]

You can't fix them because, in their own minds, they are perfect.

[@jackthisout9480]

To me the easiest way to detect them is the absence of them saying anything negative about themselves.

[@roselisembee2333]

Mine goes far out of his way to appear humble, unselfish and kind. Yet, once you know him, it's ALL about him and his feelings.

[@jbirdie30]

Mine will say - "admit" - that he has an anger issue, but 1) that it only occurs with me (thereby implying that I am the problem and just know how to trigger him,) and 2) expects that because he has stated that he knows he has this anger problem, that the admission, in itself, is all that he has to do about it. Like it should be acceptable now that he has "admitted" it, it's just "who he is."

[@JKshandle]

@@roselisembee2333 same

[@reyjones6472]

This threw me too. Because mine did, and even seemed to feel guilt for the way he was treating us. However I was shocked to learn it wasn't empathy and remorse at all. It was just more "Poor me, poor Mee. Feel sorry for mee."

[@PowerGurhl]

Oh my narcissist partner cannot stand anything “negative” which means I cannot even be sick and talk about it cus it’s negative. Let alone saying something negative about them

[@valeriezaitzieff1462]

They drain you emotionally...

[@anniebrowning7354]

When Dr Carter say these beautiful words: "I want you to be a person of...peace", I take a deep, deep breath and feel completely relaxed - and could go to sleep right here on my computer. After all years of manipulation, lies and abuse, I'm so exhausted I could collaps anywhere - and sleep for onehundred years. But it feels good!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

And it's true, Annie. I want you to find peace. Dr. C

[@anniebrowning7354]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you so much Dr.C.

[@Dhruv_Dogra]

@Krishna Patel live in the west first, then decide and compare. Indian religions are deeply spiritual. They invented the concept of Karma ! They have lower rates of child abuse, narcissism and sociopathy. Their family values are still good. Learn about Nyaya philosophy. It is the antidote to narcissism!

[@lloyannehurd]

@@Dhruv_Dogra They don’t have less abuse and narcissism! They just don’t discuss their problems and make them as public as people in the West do

[@brusselsprout5851]

I know what you mean. He isn’t grinding an ax, and his detailed knowledge of what we need to hear heals. It’s going to take time but finally it’s feeling like I might find closure...without being future fakes into oblivion. Wishing you the best overcoming the struggle. I know it is real. 💛. PS: sleep is good imho

[@flowergirl2day]

Having dealt with a narcissistic person is very difficult. But it is the lesson of a lifetime! I have left them all and there is no room for any of them in my life. Been there and done that!

[@wombal177jim]

Let me guess family 🤔

[@barbpaq]

You have successfully leveled up. Kudos!

[@TheCantstopem]

It sure does leave you a skeptic for ever finding love again. My radar goes up immediately when I sense something is off now.

[@flowergirl2day]

@@wombal177jim - Yes - a family member. Only a few of us have really seen it! They cover their tracks to try to look like the good guy! We simply cannot let anybody abuse us - no one! No family member or anyone. We got to take our power back!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I'm not in contact with my narcissistic, misogynistic and sadistic father, he's lazy, too. I won't waste my time chasing after him; he's not that important to bother with. He tramples on my boundaries and finds that humorous, he's pathetic!

[@mcawesomest1]

Call them out on a lie or gaslighting and watch out!! Questioning their motive or actions will bring out a screaming rage filled beast that will scare you.. it’s like they have an alter ego

[@mrsz1988]

I learned the hard way. Had one of those JBL speakers thrown at me by a friend. At the time I had no idea she was a narcissist and blamed it on the alcohol we were all consuming. After finding these videos I now realize she is textbook.

[@ashton1952]

That's the injury when they realize that you know

[@AndyWearsPants]

Their lack of empathy is often linked to envy or resentment, which then plays out as revenge. There is a punative quality to their attacks, and they often recruit others to assist in it.

[@hopefull7904]

@Nurse4life: No contact is hard but once you start healing and you feel PEACE, there’s no going back. Self-worth is the most valuable thing we possess.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Any time I think of calling my narcissistic dad, I remember his not caring about me, so I don't call him. He never takes a shred of responsibility, he dumps his blame onto me. I have had more than enough of his nonsense! I have nil to no-contact with him!

[@gretaac7379]

@@hopefull7904 I've done it with sisters! healing does come🙂💟

[@thescapegoatclub]

For me, the scariest thing is that they believe their public persona, not the private one. My mother quoted her ‘unconditional love and support’ to me, at the same time as blackmailing, blaming and shaming me. She is convinced she’s a great mum. Ugh.

[@fk3972]

Snap, also requiring constant validation of being a great mum, when all along she was terrible. I never did validate much, just told her healthy people just don’t require that much validation.

[@thescapegoatclub]

@@fk3972 this made me laugh! How did she like you pointing out healthy people don’t need validation?? Deaf ears, anger or deflection I’m guessing? Oh boy, but I am sorry you’re in the same boat.

[@stealthwarrior5768]

Mine is the same😳

[@thescapegoatclub]

@@stealthwarrior5768 sorry to hear that. We’re with you though 🙂

[@scuttletheship656]

​@@stealthwarrior5768 mines dead...woohoo!

[@rbryanhull]

Since I've been recovering from my 8 year relationship with a malignant covert woman, I've been trying different strategies in dating to detect narcissists. So far, the best one I've found is to set a minor boundary. When they fight the boundary, or just ignore it, then I wish them the best and nope the hell out.

[@banstee]

Can you provide an example?

[@bohunkjunk2514]

I love that saying nope the hell out. I want to put that on a t-shirt.

[@vickydittfield9822]

I have invested 37 years before seeing the full picture.(worked different shifts ).Weary now.

[@barefootincactus]

@@banstee I think an easy one would be 'I don't eat sugar' or 'I don't like crowded busy places' and see what happens.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

@@banstee For example, it takes her three days to answer an email but gets upset if it takes me more than 12 hours. noped the heck out of that one.

[@user-onyoutube868]

The entitlement and superiority are the most sickening aspects of the narcissistic personality. When you quit propping up their egos, they go all out to get control again, enlisting others in their quest to get the feeling of superiority and power back. It's not happening anymore. It bothered me that I let myself be used like that until I realized that is how these people are, and it's no reflection on me.

[@Floridafanatic28]

Thinking back, I don't think he ever asked me to "tell him about myself". Not even once. I didn't notice it at the time but now this one glaring fact keeps coming back inside my head. He didn't ask me about myself because he didn't care. Never again will I get in a relationship with someone who doesn't ask me to share some of myself with him in the early stages. We are always taught not to brag about ourselves, but I've come to realize that a certain amount of "bragging" to someone who truly listens isn't a bad thing. It weeds out those who are too self-centred to even care. If you are not asked to share about yourself early on, end the relationship immediately.

[@gristamshackleford2102]

they act bored when you try to have a pleasant conversation and they force laughter. biggest red flags.

[@Lionsmaneisdangerous]

Lol crazy

[@Oceansgreen]

OMG!! How true, especially the forced laughter, my narc ex husband used to do it all the time… it used to drive me up the wall… so irritating😡😡

[@gristamshackleford2102]

@@Oceansgreen it's because they dont find anything really funny (especially something they did not say) but they know they are supposed to laugh to fit in, so it always comes out forced, fake and obvious. i've known like 5 different ones do that shoulder shrug laugh thing (like instead of laughing they do a quick shrug), so anooying

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My narcissistic dad expects me to put and shut up; that's not happening. His projection, he's not perfect, so why is he so nitpicky and never pleased. I gave up on his b.s. I'm not impressed by him. No one is at his beck and call, he certainly isn't for me. except his equally narcissistic brother, ( 2 out of four are). They are especially obnoxious and hate women. They're pathetic excuses for a father, uncles and men, human beings. I have nil to contact with him since Easter. I am doing better without his horrible influence! The the worst of the three. When I complain about anything, he replies with "tough shit." What a jerkwad! I deserve a better father! He barely does the minimum and resents doing that. What a loser! Dad says I need his permission to speak to his family. I'm 60, I don't want or need his permission. I tell the truth, he doesn't like it. Too bad for him. I'm not lying so he can feel good or superior, he certainly hasn't earned the right to demand me to ask his permission. He projects his hatred of women onto me. He takes no responsibility. He's pathetic, I deserve better!

[@berg8970]

Growing up in a narcissistic household I've learned to read narcissists fairly quickly and make a point of keeping them at a distance. I like to say all narcissists operate from the same cheap 10 page how to be a narcissist handbook, different story but all the same tactics.

[@stingingmetal9648]

Yup. The veil gets lifted. And you see them. From then on you can't unsee that world. And can sniff a lie out from the other side of the country.

[@holyishe7903]

Well it’s nice for you that you could “read them”, some of us got stuck being blindsided because it became so familiar. Sigh

[@holyishe7903]

@@TiffyAlwaysBlissy thanks for the outline...rough isn't it

[@zuzuspetals923]

I have voluntarily accepted/tolerated a garden variety narcissist in my life for many years, and endured some others in the work environment. I fully believed I could spot one in a heartbeat and be able to automatically put the shields up when encountering one. Surprise! Little did I know there were variations on that theme. Got suckered in by someone I'm now convinced is the covert type (if not an actual sociopath. I mean at least a regular narcissist can occasionally be made to feel guilty & will grudgingly give a little something in return, even if you're expected to be forever grateful for such small favors.) Deep down I knew something was very wrong, but I wanted SO much to believe in him; that he was just a poor abused victim of circumstances who truly loved me and wanted to make a better life for himself. I foolishly believed all his promises & words of love, ignored the red flags and kept giving more in trying to help him; more of myself & my resources, more chances to prove himself. In the end he never kept a single promise( looking back on it, even for the most modest of requests), took me for just about everything I had, then disappeared. Turned out to be a con artist & common thief. And I thought he was much too young to have gained such conniving, manipulative skills ! Stupid me. I feel like such a fool, so ashamed of myself. Never again. Caution and Boundaries ladies and gentlemen. Your instincts are there for a reason. Never NEVER, EVER ignore them !

[@marylouleeman591]

Excellent!!

[@Trasea]

In low doses, they are loads of fun. Spend considerable time with them and you'll see Jekyll and Hyde appear. Flirtatious, charming, confident and intelligent becomes: Controlling, manipulative, demanding and condescending. I've known SO many... I swear I feel like I have the antibodies now!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad is not fun at all!

[@0sana0]

Perfect explanation of a covert narcissist by Dr Carter. I'd also like to add passive aggression and silent treatment to that list, Thank you so much Dr C.

[@patduffyforever]

I withdraw from them when they're looking for a fight n trying to provoke a reaction. Then am accused of giving the silent treatment. You can never win with them.

[@JJ-xx2fw]

Yes !!

[@karenwinstanley7939]

They love showing everyone else in public that loving guy you fell for and then a few drinks later and they get you home behind closed doors and then booom out of the blue they demoralise you insult you and start accusing you for nothing, that’s a pattern I’ve seen so many times before and I don’t stand for it 💯

[@betsygreenteam]

Yep conflict avoidance and not team players. They are vengeful and get you back later. No crossing these demons either or they sneak attack from behind.

[@tonibooth8424]

Yes. I was over 30 years married to a covert narc before I realized what was going on and who they are. Then, when I started really investigating it, so much made sense and I started understanding what was going on and why they acted the way they do. Their 'persona' is the most important thing to them. They even believe their own lies - they live in an alternate reality and have an astonishing lack of self awareness. Pointing out inconsistencies etc is met with rage

[@ceatedbyladyT]

It’s hard to get rid of these people. They come around when they want something and if you don’t comply, they keep at you.

[@lisabowden402]

Exactly. My mother never celebrates any accomplishments I have had. It was SO hard to believe she was truly jealous of a child of hers, but I’ve come to realize she truly is, and celebrates any downfall .

[@ananunes2078]

I hear you 😞 same experience

[@ARB249]

Same here! I’m in therapy (been in therapy for over a year now for ADHD and recent divorce from a malignant narcissist) and I find more and more each day that my mom is narcissistic af. I got a promotion (and 2 raises + cost of living adjustment) and I am moving soon… I texted my parents in a group message about the great news and didn’t get much more than a standard “Congratulations🎉” text and nothing more after that. I should make it known that my mom throws it in my face every chance she can that I shouldn’t live away from them and move home (every minor young adult inconvenience that I may experience like an unexpected bill, warrants her to criticize my ability to be a sufficient adult and be on my own). They won’t help me financially because it’s not what she wants… (they want me home) but when living at home I was talked down to like a child (even at 24 years old today) and made to feel like my needs and emotional stability are non existent. (Thus my decision to never move back home). Anything I experience in my personal life that I muster up the courage to share with someone privately that I trust, she will try and send everyone my way to get information out of me and proceed to stonewall and ignore me if I don’t give her what she wants or answer to her (even if I set boundaries)…. 😅 Love it here ❤

[@Holeysocks464]

I just realized recently that once again I was sucked in by a covert Narcissist, a very covert, well practiced one. I put up with the subtle condescending pokes for a long time, writing them off as not worth spoiling the moment over. The pokes got more frequent and pronounced. Then the manipulation for personal favours using louder more aggressive strategies started. That was the last straw and my big wake up call. I’m done. No contact, no going back. I have lots of good friends and family who share mutual respect, love and fun but it does take time to get over it. History tells me I’m a too tolerant and empathetic sometimes. Another life lesson.

[@interestedparty3159]

My mother is a Covert Narcissist. I always thought she just had a multiple personality disorder, but now, thanks to Dr. Carter's teachings, I understand that she is a true Narcissist and it's much deeper than just "multiple personalities" that my mother cannot control. The fact is that she CAN control what she shows people in public vs. private. They are in control of themselves, and it is great to know that there are ways to identify these issues. Thank you so much for your teachings, Dr. Carter!

[@jeankruis183]

In my marriage to a narc I would ask what I was doing that was causing him to be so angry. His response was typically, "Well, I could say something, but I won't ". When the marriage was ending, I pressed for an answer and the only thing that he could say was that I had stopped making him feel important. Hmm, so if I would have just stayed focused on making him feel good, everything would have been fine. It really became clear to me that being in a relationship with him was not give and take. It was just take and take. Thank you again Dr. C. Your input through these videos is truly a blessing.

[@MissSandyC]

They are the black hole that just can't be filled. Once you prop them up for one thing, it's on to the next. They are NEVER happy or content. They are just empty souls who constantly need to be filled up by external sources. If you're their supply - isn't it exhausting? I love Dr. C's way - the way he describes each thing and the examples are so spot on!

[@KO-D00M]

Very well said! This is the PERFECR description of my relationship with my dad then, unfortunately, my last relationship. These personalities are insatiable! Once you become educated on how they operate, there’s a sobering reality that almost makes you feel bad for them because their lack of self-awareness is their #1 downfall, unbeknownst to them.

[@stephanietorres350]

Wjyd you cheat on me twice? Bc I didn't feel I was getting looked at with desire ...

[@debbieplatt165]

When living with the covert narcissist, you learn to never show the outside world what goes on behind closed doors.

[@carparthero]

relationships only continue with a narcissist for as long as you're willing to put yourself last.

[@sanjuktadey2860]

They'll make you alone to torture you more,and even if you are tortured ,nobody will be left to listen ur genuine story .

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad pretends to be such a great father; lies!

[@anandanabila8439]

@@jackilynpyzocha662same for me covert narcissist dad thanks god he went away and thanks god I am aware of this I could little make my mom see more clearly ❤ courage

[@LindyLooo99]

Listen to your gut.... if you are scratching your head, wondering what is going on, feeling yucky or slimy, realizing that they are lying, afraid of confronting them... yup.... that's all you need... RUN

[@creciente2675]

The boiling rage underneath and their need for sneaky revenge for whatever slight they perceive you may have caused. They are calculating,patient,and never,ever forget. And forget about talking things through,it’ll never,ever, happen,no matter how hard you try.

[@sunnywu7205]

Yes, very calculating, patient, revengeful

[@troye.parker6792]

Thank you, 🙏🙏🙏 the most clear, concise, and enlightened description I have listened too… I have come back to this video 4-5 times to strengthen my resolve and regain my clarity of thought. Covert Narcissist: The Chameleon…A keeper of Secrets.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful! And thanks for the good vibes, too!

[@happycat0411]

That's a pretty easy question that is simple to answer. Covert narcissists > they cannot accept the least bit of criticism of any sort and when confronted / threatened the narcissist will have an answer to absolutely everything you say or question the narcissist on.

[@andreabrunkow9314]

Yes and the answer is NEVER that they might have been wrong or even that they might have even been just a little off base.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad blamed me for abusing me, what an asshole! Nil to contact with him. He's not worth the time.

[@happycat0411]

@@jackilynpyzocha662 A narcissist's mentality is always " I'm right, you're wrong mentality" and research into narcissism shows that all narcissists really believe they always believe they are right no mater what.... so there is no point in even trying to argue any point or trying to reason with a narcissist.....

[@stayce751]

This is 100%. Once I was onto him well the flood gates opened on me. I used to say to my parents you only see one side of him. You should see how he treats me, when no one else is around. He screams at me, belittles me, ignores me, tells me what a horrible person I am, and on and on. No one ever saw the other side of him and couldn’t believe that he actually treated me the way he did. He presented himself as a kind, generous and honest. Again, once I realized what I was dealing with and he knew it…the jig was up and he full on turned on me. He had no reason to pretend with me anymore and treated me worse than ever. I’m happy to say I’m finally free from him 100% but it was extremely difficult and painful. I had to mourn a person and a relationship that never really existed. It took me years…but I finally did it. I didn’t want to believe someone like this could actually behave this way, He is a shell of a person, like a robot. Presents only what he wants people to see, but underneath there is nothing there. It’s extremely sad.

[@raydurka]

"I had to mourn a person and a relationship that never really existed..." That hit me hard. Strength to you, and Strength to any and all who find resonance in that phrase...

[@andreabrunkow9314]

@@raydurka This is the hardest part for me.

[@wendyjones5853]

Stayce 751, You have described something very detailed there ? The fact that these sad people are empty ,theres no one home even though the lights on ? They steal from other peoples words ,acts and personality ,and call it their own ! Yet they believe their some kind of VIP ,?and they do it so convincingly dont they ? Their World is somewhere else that you cannot go it is frightening because they live the lie as well as lie continuosly to others ,it is Satanic in every way ?

[@scuttletheship656]

It is truly a void in their eyes, as if they have no soul. When I was with my narc, it was like looking into the eyes of the devil himself.

[@Indy__isnt_it]

@@raydurka "I had to mourn a person and a relationship that really never existed" good way to look at it. Just how to get past the narcissism, go no contact... With one car, it's hard. Then you're left with what now?at 64 i don't have years to spend on therapy, nor do I want to. Spent 6 years going nowhere....

[@texkit1]

This is so true. I knew if I had told anyone he was emotional abusing me, none of them would believe me. They thought he was such a great guy. He made sure he treated me good in front of other people. When the door closed, I was worthless. Our kids saw what was going on. So thankful I don't have to deal with that anymore.

[@juliesheard2082]

I was married to a covert narcissist for 28 years. He was so charming and gentle on the surface that everyone thought he was wonderful. Because I was unhappy I immediately looked bad- "Why are you complaining when you have such a wonderful hard working husband?" He had me thinking there was something really wrong with me and used to say so until I believed him. He controlled my life in every detail, hair, clothes, activity, thinking and although he would pay for things for me I had no money of my own as he took my wage or when I worked for him he didn't pay me. Eventually I became part of a really good religious group which involved meditation and he didn't know what to do. He knew they would find him out if he joined in but also wanted to look good in front of them, so he kept his distance and gave them donations (which I didn't have the money to give) but then when he got cancer and was dying he joined them and was burried there with full honours, thus taking even that away from me. I couldn't leave because I had three children and I knew he would turn them against me if I tried and he would bring in all the people he had charmed like my parents, my only friend and then leave me destitute. He has been dead 16 years now but I still cannot trust myself with another relationship. I wish I had known about narcissists long ago!

[@joyceconnolly1065]

Julie Sheard . . . I identify fully with what you shared. I was married for 32 years to a passive aggressive, covert narcissist but, sadly, I did not know this until after we divorced. I was the one who ended the marriage; I didn't know what I know now; I just knew our marriage was not healthy, very toxic, and I very wasn't happy. My gentle sharing with you would be to trust God for a kind, caring person in your life if you cannot trust yourself. Thank you for your sharing. 💗

[@dorothybenteu5847]

Julie Sheard, He has been gone many years now, and you are still here , still breathing and living. Are you ever gonna believe in you again? You have learned so much over all the time you were together. Jesus heals the broken hearted and everything else . If you don't know the Lord , he is here and His' love will renew and restore you to be all you were created to be. Trust our Lord and trust yourself to live your life in awe and praise and Thanksgiving. I guess most of us here are no stranger to narc abuse but I don't want to loose who I am and lay down and die for someone who wouldn't couldn't or doesn't care about me.

[@Snezanah]

​@@joyceconnolly1065if she is not trusting herself, than she won't see the let's say, good person in front of her.

[@marylouleeman591]

Come on. Buck up!! not all the men are like that. You could find a good one but you have to step out and decide to find one you can trust. You deserve to be happy.

[@desertfox1273]

What a nightmare you lived through. We know what it is like.....horrible. We have these Narc's on my side of the family and my husband's side. He is a real faithful man, kindhearted in every way. I too wish we had known about Narc's and would have maneuvered around them differently. It never changes. They don't change.

[@lc5666]

Sometimes also "Foul-weather friend" -- they only want to hang out when you're in a bad situation, so they can "help" you and use that to feel good.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My dad doesn't want the truth about how badly he has treated me. I have told him, he said "tough shit", he is a piece of crap! He's sadistic, too.

[@rubycubez1103]

My mother treated me like her therapist since a young age. In my 40s, I had enough, broke down and snapped at her. Full crying breakdown. She stayed quiet then told me she has to get on the bus. She seems aware of feelings but just not mine.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

comes to mind: they have no emotions, or feelings of *nurture* just *torture*

[@duck7237]

I hear you, Ruby. Me too.

[@lockylique]

@@lifewithapurpose237 they do but all fake snake. show time🌹

[@NOT_SURE..]

i went through that , in my 40s sat down with my mum to ask her to talk to me like an adult and not a naughty 13 year old and she immediatly cried like a little girl , till i backed off then she got angry and i thought , life is too short to be dealing with this sh*t

[@duck7237]

@@NOT_SURE.. holy cow! I had a similar run in with my mother recently! As I drove away frustrated, I realised that attempting to reason with her was utterly futile. Either I accept her as she is, or I don't. Not a great choice either way. But what can I do.

[@matronista]

They also are incapable of saying “I’m sorry”. Throughout months of knowing him, not once could he say it.

[@katieking8830]

Or you get a snide sorry,sorry,sorry!

[@angelat56]

@matronista . She says, "Sorry," yet it's only lip service because she does whatever she says sorry for again and again.

[@jamesmcallister9645]

When a narcissist is not getting their own way you will see their true colours, lies, manipulation, anger, quarrels, the list is endless.

[@crystalheart9]

My mother was a very covert narcissist, I was her special target and she made sure no one was around when she would unleash her torture on me. She acted so differently when other people were around.

[@TurtleHillTx]

Absolutely, a freaking nightmare!! What pleases her one day, will never do for the next.😢

[@crystalheart9]

@@TurtleHillTx Absolutely! It was a constant tap dance trying to keep her happy and she never was happy.

[@cindyj5522]

I am sorry you experienced that. It might make it hard for you to relax and trust others.

[@BashaerB-h2c]

Me too. I would feel repulsed when she took out her "martyrs loving mom" face when we meet other people and family members. She was so covert that even people close to her have a hard time pinpointing her toxicity and abuse. I don't bother telling anyone not even my siblings because I know no one will believe me. People that are blessed with great mothers can't comprehend that their are heartless mothers out there that are out to ruin their children's lives if they don't do exactly what they say.

[@BashaerB-h2c]

@@cindyj5522 Definitely and it makes you an extremely skeptical person of everyone's motives even though most people don't mean any harm.

[@francescaverdi2555]

I didn’t know the word narcissist then but at 8 years old when my dad died my first response was - now what is the point of anything. I knew deep down that my mother was impervious to caring about anything that wasn’t to do with her. She may put on a show at times but I was as accurate then as I am now 50 years on. I spent a lot of time praying that I wouldn’t be infected with it - I’ve struggled with anger, depression and self hatred but I don’t think narcissism is my thing. I couldn’t risk having children incase I turned into her, she said it was the worse thing you can do with your life anyway, not that she needed to articulate that. Now she’s old and unwell and I’m kind of shocked that part of me is still so angry with her. I had a dream that i had to clean up her literal shit that she’d left all over the house ironically she’s super clean.

[@sage9836]

I am guessing you can detect them not just by their behavior, but by the feeling your arm is being twisted to do a favor you do not feel right about for someone you are not so sure of.

[@wattlebough]

Used to get that from one of my best friends of ten years. I got played like a fiddle, and when I finally cottoned on after he escalated some disturbing psychological abuse, I dropped him like a hot potato and went full no contact. The guy was a picture perfect husband and father of adorable young kids. Never missed a Sunday church service. A true wolf in sheeps clothing.

[@b_b_b5146]

Yes. You feel this way because there's boundary violation going on. They are very insidious so that we cant figure out that they are actually trying to violate our boundaries.

[@melaw5]

This really resonated with me. I remember in my first year of our 40 year marriage, wondering if he had multiple personalities. His voice even changed when Mr. Hyde came out, so unsettling. But I was very young, was still in a honeymoon phase, and thought maybe it was normal and just adapted to it. I wish I knew then, what I know now.

[@annemelfo924]

I've felt like I'm married to Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde many times over the past 26 yrs. Hindsight is 20/20 - but yes, I have the same wish.

[@marysuitto6963]

OMG me too. It was my second marriage, and I had never dealt with this kind of abuse. The Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde, I never knew which one I would get when he came home from work!! And then there're so nice, it's unbelievable!!

[@Booboonancy]

@@marysuitto6963 Yes, they are “nice” just to set you up again. After a few times, it creeps you out when they are being “nice”. You think “oh no, here we go again”.

[@fajetta]

I referred to my ex as Mr. Hyde throughout the marriage.

[@muzerhythm2242]

The main thing I've noticed about anyone manipulative is that they REALLY exaggerate their so called positive traits publicly.

[@josereyes1148]

Yep. My narc friend tried to act like he's laid back and easy going and any problem is because I take what he says wrong. He hides behind this and "breaking balls". If you don't agree w him 100% though he becomes super moody and attacks. He's anything but what he acts like he is.

[@cynthiathomas5754]

They will drag the conversation into the weeds of their " specialty" just for attention.

[@Soyed_Boy]

that and they bring down others to prop themselves up

[@Vixinaful]

"Establishing boundaries" doesnt help with these people, you can scream NO!!! in their ear and they still do what they want. And when you stop opening the door to them they stalk you for years. Its demonically evil.

[@clintonnagy1662]

What boundaries? They don't care. They hate the word " NO ", it makes them try harder to defy your view. It's such bizaar behavior that I don't feel I'm dealing with a mentally healthy person. There were times I start to ask if that person is autistic, because their level of comprehension doesn't make sense. Therefore, I find it easier to forgive because they have a mental disorder and don't even know it. "Father forgive them for they know NOT what they do."

[@stefaniakonstantinidou981]

Boundaries are not about what they do,bur about what u do

[@sunnygirl9691]

I identified a narc by noticing his demeanor once we parted and he got in his car. His gushing “can’t be without you” nonsense seemed to IMMEDIATELY disappear once in his car. His body language, facial expression, everything was shifted … hmm.. as if the acting could stop. Also, they think they’re invisible in their cars 🤔. I’ve noticed that with multiple narcs.

[@rosieb471]

And when they get tinted windows, they’re even more hidden.

[@helenmcclay2622]

Eye rolls I noticed

[@Demetha_Khuba]

You described my husband perfectly. I have recently woken up to the truth and grieved for the “marriage”. I’m now trying to make my escape.

[@charlottebrown2102]

Hi, I might be able to help you with that in a civil and legal way. I mean that’s if you’d be interested

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Good for you! My dad is the problem, he projects his blame onto me, he's narcissistic, misogynistic and sadistic, and immature/insecure! His ego needs attention; it's not worth wasting time on, he's never satisfied. I gave up on his nonsense as of Easter. So far, so good!

[@lilithschwarzermond7342]

After a while, you find out they hate a lot. This was a strong indication for me. Thanks Dr C

[@donna-colorado8443]

Mine acts very supportive of me when we are around other people but not so much when we are alone.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

donna, soon after my matriarch passed, we moved to 🇪🇺 europe, the invalidation began. on the way there, stopped by to visit siblings (where it ❄ snows) and to leave our vehicle (s/he,s purpose for visiting relatives). recalled that one of my other visiting siblings pointed out how affectionate towards me my spouse was during that visit ( ❄). i too found this surprising while it was happening because eventhough the overt gaslighting and invalidation was not yet obvious to me, *i did know* that s/he hardly ever was affectionate towards me at home. Now! i understand.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad would always(still does) isolate me so others can't hear/see what he says/does. He lies, too. Just so others can fawn over him(I don't buy his nonsense) so he can feel superior. He's full of it!

[@betsygreenteam]

Yow, you nailed the covert big time. Gonna need to watch this twice.

[@Iamkolbycarignan]

I am feeling so tense, anxious and validated at the same time watching this video. I have been through every single one of these experiences with my ex gf. My head has been so effed because of it. Literally EXERY single detail he explained.

[@flightmama3191]

@@Iamkolbycarignan magnificent gratitude beautiful SOUL, now U know,....1 out of 10 humans R NARCISSISTIC, THINK ABOUT IT 💓💛💞🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 I am Free 8 months now & healing well, I support U in Ur knowledge and heartfelt healing 💓🤩💖U deserve better 🌹💕🌹

[@carolynjaynes9094]

You described my mother perfectly. No contact has brought me much peace, recovery, and freedom. Thank you for your videos.

[@phabove7]

I wish I had known about personality disorders, several years ago.

[@jessicayoung6208]

Yup, has no empathy and lacks any remorse. Has absolutely no ability to self reflect. If they do something they escape accountability by blaming it on you or accusing you of doing the same things even though you don’t. Definitely exaggerated their positives and minimizes their negatives.

[@Heaven-dy9lj]

That was an excellent summary of my partner.

[@ascendednightingale2456]

My ex husband checked all of your boxes. It really hit me when you mentioned that you can’t call them out. My ex husband would have me lie to my parents and tell them that he was working so he wouldn’t have to go places with us. He upset me in public one time and told me I was making him look bad. He did this often in different ways. One time he cussed me out through text because I was posting on Facebook about depression, and he yelled at me saying it makes him look bad. He never hit me, but if I said something even slightly “out of line”, he’d lose his temper and punch walls and throw things. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him. I eventually left him, and I’m now happily married to someone who treats me much better.

[@grizzlybear4]

You have described my older sister to an atom. The false front of "supportiveness", shallow pity, and public "loyalty" cover up a life dedication to sneaky revenge. Way before I heard of narcissism I described that person as the inventor of the Little Mean Trick.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

comes to mind: they have no nurturing emotions, or feelings of *nurture* just *torture*

[@KennethRoy-in3be]

This video described my marriage perfectly. Before the marriage I was love bombed and mirrored. The signs you talk about here came after marriage or at least became more noticeable. At the end it was overt, most likely because I went gray rock at the request of my doctor. I secretly started seeing a therapist towards the end of the marriage because I was convinced all our problems were because of me. I had to go secretly because the wife was against it. It was only 4 years of my life. I hope anyone in this situation gets the proper help. It helped me tremendously. Thank you for the videos. They have helped me not only understand relationships with people but have also helped me be more aware of myself. I believe we all have some narcissistic traits and to be aware of them is very helpful. Thank you again.

[@Earthether]

Trying to get help it hard.. some people Never See the dark side and they think your the mean one

[@KennethRoy-in3be]

@@Earthether Very true. I lost friends because of things that were said about me. When I was asked about it I wouldn't say anything bad about her and let them come to their own conclusion. Some people did see what was going on after she put them through the same cycle. The mask will slip eventually.

[@aminasharif6142]

I am in 12 years of marriage...was taking and accepting whatever treatment or blame I got. But this year its like I have awoken from a deep slumber. I have realised no one has a right to control me unless I give them that right.

[@brendataylor7524]

Very true, we do as Dr. Phill McGraw says. But not as bad as a true narcissistic who has been that all there life.

[@kumudinilotus]

You just totally described my situation. I spent 28 years married to a covert narcissist. We tried going to therapy and I always ended up feeling like I was the problem. He absolutely cannot, will not , ever admit when he is in the wrong. I have done a lot of soul searching and taking a deep dive into myself by looking inwardly. I finally figured out that there is nothing wrong with me, but now I am coming out of this situation much more resilient. I know who I am and I know what I don't want. I am grateful for this.

[@tanyajohnson6066]

Yes yes my counselor was a doctor of addiction and wrote many books. He would just sit there. The relationship was revealed when the counselor asked my husband why he married me. He couldn't answer. I put in effort, my husband refused to talk and denied everything and 11:52 wanted me to keep giving.

[@FoodFreedomUSA]

Wow you just described my entire 12 year marriage. I’ve been waking up to these painful realities over the past two years. I have grieved what I lost, the relationship I thought I was in. But for children and financial reasons, I have decided to stay. I am getting my emotional needs met elsewhere. It’s been very sad but he won’t live forever, so I’m going to tough it out. 💜

[@leonasweny1525]

Hi, I am married to a narcissist for 43years,I have been cheated on countless times more often when the 3boys were younger . He would blatantly walk out the door in the evening and when I asked where he was going he would just say “out”. He would come back at all hours and get into bed and fall asleep . I like you had to stay as I had kids to rear and was a stay at home mom. I was gaslighted to the point I thought I was going crazy, manipulated and when the boys heard me arguing with him over his behaviour he would stay quiet , so over the years I was the baddie. When I threatened to tell people what he was like he would tell me “ who’s going to believe you” . And he would also say he didn’t give a f***. So blatant. I cried myself to sleep so many times. I never told anyone because pride wouldn’t allow me let my side down . When I threatened him with telling the boys what he was like he would say that they all know who the bully was in the house , so he was able to keep me silent. Now at 70 I’ve told him the house is been sold and I’m going my own way, he can’t stop me . The boys are left home and I’m ditching him. I am nervous about the future but I’ll be free .

[@lindaguy1808]

Sounds so much like my narc covert sister in law to a tee. Her mask just recently fell off and now I'm on to her. Her family and my family would host holidays rotating them every year. One year she hosted Thanksgiving and we assumed my family would host Christmas. While coming back from the bathroom, my narc sister in law literally cornered me in the hallway and yelled "I just hosted Thanksgiving now YOU need to host Christmas". No one else was around..the rest of the family was playing a game or having dessert. I couldn't believe then how rude and bullying she was. These coverts will get you alone and abuse you with all kinds of crap..glares, comments, passive aggressive games, etc. I've since gone no contact with her..Im no longer on Facebook and I blocked her on Pinterest as well. I'm done. Thank you Dr. Carter for another excellent video on these toxic people.

[@sablebrown4139]

Gone the same route with my in-laws, too. Radio silence here. My spouse bullied me into spending ALL my holidays with them and so much more, and my gut always told me they didn't care remotely for me, and the only reason they wanted me around was because they got to spend more time with him. They put the window dressing on everything, so he believed I was part of things, but I was no more another human to them than a manikin. Flash forward, and that gut instinct is playing out to have been highly accurate. If I could only turn back the clock and listen to it. ☹

[@lindaguy1808]

@@sablebrown4139 Hi Sable.. I'm so glad you've gone radio silent. That's the best medicine for these monsters. I know what you mean about being bullied by your spouse to be with his family as well. He wants me to see his sister at least once a year. I told him I don't think so anymore. He wasn't the one being abused behind closed doors by her! Good luck Sable..stay strong.

[@sablebrown4139]

@@lindaguy1808 I see no reason why you need to see this woman again if she has been abusive to you. You married him, not her. He can manage her on his own time, you don't have to be part of it. If she had wanted you around, she should have treated you better! I had to spend at least one day a week over at the MIL's house for dinner and TV - plus ALL holidays, and family birthdays - for a decade! If I ever tried to say no, holy h3ll, the tantrums and rage and threats of abandonment from my spouse! My MIL and SIL are Mean Girls. They're both former cheerleaders, and are smug and superior, and they will do anything they can to push and keep me in the lower position, then mock me behind my back for being there. Those covert, manipulative harpies can find someone else to mock and prey on 'cause this girl is gone! 😀

[@lindaguy1808]

@@sablebrown4139 Hi Sable! OMG..THANK YOU so much for your kind words and understanding! I feel you're part of my tribe! I agree that my husband can deal with his sister and her drama and abuse from now on. I'm so done! I'm so glad you're done too with the Mean Girls! You don't need their abuse any longer. Stay strong and blessed! 🙏❤🙏

[@sablebrown4139]

@@lindaguy1808 Yes, we have been through some mean stuff, and are definitely tribe now. Virtual hugs to you. 💗💗💗

[@game-mp3sn]

Why is this man so comforting? 😂

[@everglade345]

I think that was one of the hardest things for me to realise about my (almost certainly NPD) grandmother, my narcissistic brother, my covert/enabler father and my alcoholic mother - none of them ever actually cared to know me, what I thought, felt, who I was, etc. I knew them all so well, and propped them up. I was other-focused. But deep down the betrayal was burning. Not caring about who I was as a person, having no empathy or curiosity, it was like I wasn't even human to them. I was dehumanised. And I internalised that and blamed and shamed myself for deserving the abuse, and went on a path of self-destruction for many years. I've heard what they do to one being called 'soul murder', and it really is.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad drank, which he apologized to me and my family for. His carousing, he acted like he was entitled. Sick man. I am not going to put up and shut up for him, anymore. His attitude is his problem, nor is it my fault. He dumps all his toxicity onto me. I am not a landfill. He thinks only he matters, that only his time and life matter. He's wrong. He goes out of his way for those he is trying to impresss. He barely does anything(2 or 3 times a year) for me, yet told me to tell others he helps me each week/does something nice: lies!) I won't lie for him to myself or others. He's pathetic, I deserve a better father!

[@lindac6919]

Similar. I grasp your hand.

[@mumo9413]

After 9mths, I walked away 7wks ago, for all the reasons listed! Didn't know "covert narcissist" was a thing? Oh yeah, he went from covert to overt in a split second! I've been reflecting on myself. This has been eye opening & healing! Thankyou!

[@Juliette3ofswords]

Thank you for helping me to make sense of my unfortunate circumstances.

[@kellymoore162]

I liked your closing sentence, “You want Us to be a person of Peace”. I have experienced needing to escape the ongoing conflicts with people, and this is my true hearts desire, to feel peaceful. Dealing with these individuals can take away your calm and sense of peace. Craving/Needing solitude to recalibrate from the trauma of having dealings with the constant denial of truth’ and realities, is very destabilising for oneself I believe.

[@raydurka]

Try meditation, to reconnect with yourself, and daily affirmations... I start each day with a deep death and the phrase: Clarity, Light, Love... I'm seeking clarity, openly sharing my Light, and striving to only exude Love. Wrestling control from your emotions is the first step towards clarity... OBSERVING rather than reacting lends a whole new perspective to the situation... I wish you strength on your journey to find peace.

[@jlockwood65]

Omg. Your comment has literally stunned me. Word for word, practically, as if i had written it myself today. Amazingly spooky. Not what I would of written yesterday or what I may of written tomorrow. Today. How I feel right now. Spooky.

[@victorialamarque-blair6289]

Thank you - I married twice both narcissists & first husband launched a huge smear campaign against me for years, with my best friends even believing him until they watched & saw for themselves. I’m single & life is peaceful these days.

[@myFloweryLife]

(They live for praise and admiration from others) ــــــ Wow exactly

[@kylesmith1408]

I've been struggling with healing for 2 years after a breakup with an Ex-fiance. In watching videos about covert narcissism, it becomes abundantly clear to me that she exhibited all the behaviors of a covert narcissist. Thank you so much for putting this information out there. It gives me hope that I can heal, and the confidence to approach seeking therapy. It helps that I now feel I can show up for therapy and already have a theme I can present to the therapist. I was abused for 7 years by a covert narcissist, and I'm ready to work through it and heal. To everyone else who experienced this: You are not alone. You are not an idiot for being fooled. We are the victims of a master manipulators, and I am confident we can heal, and find meaningful healthy relationships in the future.

[@mrsz1988]

Also when they apologize they will say..I'm sorry you feel that way. NOT.. im sorry i made you feel that way. Its unnerving

[@naamamaria4188]

@@mrsz1988 another possible reaction is "I'm sorry/I regret we had this conversation" (talked about their wrongdoing)

[@Heaven-dy9lj]

Mine for having an affair said ''sorry. but you've done bad things too''

[@pinkladyy1871]

Or “I’m sorry the way I handled that” not I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you, etc.

[@DJH97]

Oh my word. This is 💯. Took me way too long to figure this out….30 years. Been in therapy for 3 of those years learning “self care”. Thank you Dr C for helping in my education about all of this. Wish I would’ve sought help many more years ago. Could’ve saved much of my wasted decades on thinking I was going insane.

[@katkollies6986]

You’re not alone in the length of time it took to see it. These people are masterful actors and we’re just their sympathetic and kind minions who play right into their script. Glad you’re doing well.

[@amberc3728]

❤

[@paulasussman6414]

You are definitely not alone. 34 years

[@houseplantnerd2872]

I hear you about seeking help. I wish I had started therapy before having kids. I'm thinking this is the direction I really need to take now.

[@rut8851]

35 for me so don’t feel bad. Traditional and religious viewpoints of marriage hindered us also. I thank God I figured it out. Therapy is a must! Trust me, we are not crazy!

[@CheriFields]

Over the first 15 years of my marriage this was my husband’s life. And, as mentioned at the end, when he blew up badly enough for me to say I would no longer cooperate at all with his public persona, he went into the overt. For several years our marriage only survived because of our vows before God and the added pain it would have brought the kids (I rarely left him with them alone). But then Jesus stepped in! First I really learned boundaries and let go of him ever changing, then he actually listened to someone describing bitterness and let it hit his heart. Long-haul Covid has slowed things way down, but he is honest, invites feedback most days, and his temper is a tiny fraction of where it was 3 years ago. He regularly cries as it hits him afresh that Jesus sees his brokenness and loves him anyway. Narcissism is hugely destructive, but Jesus is even greater. My husband still requires medication to stay out of deep depression but I actually like spending time with him. Perhaps best of all, I believe our kids are unlikely to pass on the pain I know my husband inherited.

[@aubreyg8067]

@Cheri Fields Amen! He is our Prince of Peace and by His stripes we are healed! Jesus is the source of the healing and peace these hurting people desperately need. I've spent the last 15 years with a covert narc and am just realizing what this really is but I'm trusting that God can do impossible things. My husband is deeply wounded and that's why he is so terrible. My heart hurts for the pain I can see in him but I can't want his healing more than he does. He has to decide he wants healing. I'm praying for that miracle. Thank you for sharing your story. 💜🙏👏🥰 I'm rejoicing for you and your family. Praise the Lord!

[@hymnodyhands]

The Lord is GOOD, and His mercy endures forever!

[@julietvijn1545]

I’m out after 6 years. But I am crying just listening to this. I have experienced every single element of this over and over. As an example, I was actively miscarrying my second child and despite seeing the blood drip from bedroom to toilet, I asked to use the car and he replied’ need to go for a haircut’. Well me being super resilient I said I would take the bus. He reluctantly dropped me and my 13 month old at the the hospital. I was sent home with a scheduled D&C two days after. A family friend had to call him to come and take me home. In the car he said ‘what a shame such a terrible thing should happen to you’. At home he didn’t say a word. The next day I pushed out a dead baby with the placenta a bit later. I buried my child at the end of the garden. No hug, no words no flowers and in fact he was whistling while i was panicking. In court for divorce he weaponised my miscarriage and said that because I shut myself off from him after it , I am too unstable to care for my toddler who had turned two so he wanted full custody.Mind you he upped and went back to his parents when I was 11 weeks pregnant with said toddler. April 26 right in the middle of full corona. He only turned up for their delivery. I could write two bestsellers about him. I’m a lot stronger now but its being only a year and I extremely traumatised. Also because he hasn’t slowed down in his smear campaign

[@lisamcnally1526]

I am SO sorry for your experience.

[@WalksfortheSoul77]

I'm sorry. This is so painful to even read. I can't imagine the pain and hurt you are processing as this is total abandonment by someone who supposedly was going to love you.

[@timshuker1302]

Spot on in every respect. My adoptive mother was a covert narcissist. I barely escaped her with my life. My adoptive father was not so lucky. Nor was the person she replaced me with after I escaped. They both died. One by suicide, the other, it’s now thought she murdered when she realised she was losing control of him. The only reason I was ever adopted by her was that the families on both sides lied to Social Services about her history of mental incarceration and violence. I’m finding out more now about the deep back history and it’s ugly…

[@Joe-hf3cn]

One of the most insightful concise videos about CN. You articulate your words in such a straightforward clear manner. Pleasure to listen to. Thank you

[@polarbear5905]

Yes, completely describes my ex marriage. When I stopped seeing him as being right all the time ( and he would always have so many reasons to persuade me that he was right, that I eventually gave in because it was exhausting) things certainly escalated and the guilt, blame, shame, accusations and his favourite.......reactive abuse tactics led to me being told that I was selfish, needy, disruptive, argumentative etc and it was horrendous. And the most heartbreaking part of all of this was when my children started to do the same. Thank you Dr Carter for these immensely important and supportive golden nuggets of advice. They've kept me going. Best wishes.