Real Narcissists - Traumatic Relationships

Real Narcissists - Traumatic Relationships
www.drcraigmalk...
Treat your PTSD. For many abuse survivors, the cruel irony is that their trauma symptoms can keep them stuck. Nothing stirs self-doubt more than constant messages you’re the one with the problem-or worse “crazy,” as emotional abusers who love to gaslight often claim. If you’re recovering from trauma, you’ll need help feeling sane again. It’s this very problem that I address in the following video.
To learn more about recovery and more easily spot even subtle narcissism at the start of a relationship, read my internationally acclaimed book, Rethinking Narcissism. tinyurl.com/j4t...
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[@meggallucci5300]

Simple important remark that Dr. Malkin makes. Do not blame yourself. NEVER.

[@conniehoward1323]

I went through this. You have to remember these people don't have the ability to love anybody. They didn't love the person before you and they won't love anyone after you. They are empty dark people who are actually envious of your happiness. Be happy that you are you and get as far away from these disordered people as possible.

[@georgezeros2318]

That was an amazing comment, really.

[@satsumamoon]

He thinks my happiness is down to him. Actually all the happiness I now get to experience its due to self empowerment , self awarness , study and education . He thinks the distress I used to experience or the anger I still sometimes exibit in response to him telling me that I am worthless-stupid is because I had a difficult childhood.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

Thank you, yes they envy your inner peace and try to destroy it.

[@eurokay4755]

Perfect advice. It's really hard when they're your family of origin. It took me years to realize I was dealing with pathology because it seemed normal to me, and then another several years to actually deal with it. It's very sad to realize they don't even know you, certainly don't love you in an unconditional way, and that they aren't able to change. You have to change or just leave the relationship completely.

[@katievictoriabrown]

What you said, sounds like something I would say!

[@nikkilove6128]

My ex was a covert narc.... coming out of that relationship was very traumatic because like you said, the one who you love becomes dangerous to be with. I suffered emotional abuse💔

[@NotesFromTheArmchair]

"If you have to speak in paragraphs for somebody to understand you, that's a reason to leave a relationship, not stay in it." That is such a huge WOW moment for me. I'm going to write that down and remember it. (And I'd add that if you DO speak in paragraphs and somebody STILL doesn't understand you, then there's really no hope.)

[@bethannhayward6639]

The rejection from the narc causes a terrible feeling of shame....the undermining is belittling....the silence causes such a feeling of loneliness and worthlessness....

[@janethomas78]

I was born into this-- my very first thought was "there is no love here". I was three years old.

[@mycreationstosharewithyou4269]

Thank you for this information.

[@toothdoc215]

Me too I especially felt this way toward my mother I told her when I was five years old that I hated her and I to this day just remember this lack of love for my mother

[@onlythetruth208]

@@mycreationstosharewithyou4269 I found some photos taken of me when I was an infant and as a toddler. In all these photos I was crying, skinny as a rail and my mother was clutching me like she was trying to prevent me from escaping. She was a very disordered person whom I discovered had been severly abused by her crazy grandmother as a child but the abuse shattered my mother's humanity. I did not hate her but I certainly hated her inner rage that she unleashed on me regularly from the day I was born. That we survived with our humanity in tact after growing up with people this seriously disordered in charge of us, is a testimony to our inner strength and goodness. We need to celebrate ourselves, because we are amazing.

[@m.d.d4250]

Wow. I am so sorry it was like that for you. That is heartbreaking.

[@lillyfingers]

My daughter said something very similar to me the other day when I realised that I am the family scapegoat and my mother is a narcissist and i was in a fog as i tried to process what it all meant. Then my daughter said "Because you’re the good one in the family you’re the easiest to pick on but it doesn’t mean what they say is true and you’ve survived them this long you are just different(for the better), they’re your family you have to love them but you don’t have to get on with them or agree with them. They obviously have backwards thinking so you know it’s them and not you. They’re being extremely immature and rude, you just have to realise that you are a better person and their words will bounce right off you because they are the ones that are inferior not you!" THIS from a 17 year old just left school and not yet been out in the world! I am so happy i have not passed on this narcissist behaviour!

[@pittiho1]

The concept of Echoism and wanting to make yourself small, is spot on for me. Before I got strong enough to leave, I used to say, I wish I could make myself tiny. Really, really, tiny. I didn't know why I felt that way. There is my explanation.

[@fnhc2023]

oh my, yes.....weird

[@bobgriffin316]

Thanks for giving an explanation of what echoism is. I couldn't get this from Dr Graig. He doesn't seem to explain anything. He is very frustrating to listen too. I don't understand what he is saying.

[@eurokay4755]

Oh my goodness, I've never heard anyone else describe this. I had the exact same belief as a kid. I remember consciously thinking that the less space I took up, the safer I would be. As a teen, I became seriously anorexic trying to stay literally as small as possible. The feeling disappeared when I left home after high school.

[@GMarieBehindTheMask]

😔

[@lizette6766]

I have CPTSD due to abuse as a child from a narcissistic parent, the other parent was at the very least an enabler. My CPTSD has affected every aspect of my life, even parenting my own children.

[@rianreese4138]

I spent 15 years and two months between two narcissists. I was married to the first one and spent 13 1/2 years, 20 months with the other one, first one was covert and second one was overt. They treated me like I was nothing. I was literally a prisoner. The isolation, I left the first one 4 years ago, the second one, one year ago. They mocked me on a regular basis. I'm glad I didnt have kids with either of them. It was just so many years of emotional abuse. They did the love bombing, they did the gas lighting. They didnt want me to have any success whatsoever. So any idea I ever had was shot down. They'd speak over me, speak for me. I gave them the benefit of the doubt so many times and they didnt deserve it. I escaped. My health is better, and believe me it wasn't good when I was with them. They take everything out of you, use you for your money etc. I'm still recovering financially because of both of them.

[@judynash8681]

In Ontario, Canada,,,,Trying to find Counselling Help when you have been with someone for years BUT constantly 'walking in eggshells'. 65 years ..Help !

[@mariedelozier2530]

The most wonderful thing in the world is to become in a relationship with an echoist and give them the acceptance, security and unconditional love they need and let their spirits and personalities fly free!! What a wonderful thing that is for both folks in a relationship like that!

[@lisareynolds2085]

I am 49 and just really figuring out that both my parents were/are narcissists. I feel disdain and love at the same time for them and it’s making me feel insane and exhausted. Have had nothing but narcissistic men in my life and have given up on finding real love.

[@xy1108]

"If you have to speak in paragraphs...." approx 11:53.... Thank you! It's the first time I had a good laugh at such harsh reality. Well said, and comical at that!

[@johannahpatterson6498]

I know, my heart feels like a stone. I'm not sure anything will touch me emotionally/romantically again. Such a bummer.

[@Eusebeia7]

If you change your mind you can change your life. Titus 3:5 Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, BY THE WASHING OF REGENERATION, AND RENEWING OF THE HOLY GHOST. Titus 3:6 Which he shed on us abundantly through (the blood of) Jesus Christ our Saviour; 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. Therefore commit suicide by killng off the old man by praying in the name of Jesus Christ for THE WASHING OF REGENERATION, AND RENEWING OF THE HOLY GHOST.

[@Holly-sq5uv]

Be very careful, because turning off your feelings is precisely how one becomes a narcissist. That is not the answer. There are safe people, who are not abusers, and that is who we need in our lives. I also agree with Kent in that I've found Jesus to be the only real truth to help me through all of this. He is the ultimate scapegoat who was abused for no good reason. When the world doesn't make sense, because of what people choose to do, God's righteous truth and love makes perfect sense and is the ultimate healer.

[@alexisgonzales2958]

I feel the same way but just with regard to falling in love again. Outside of that, when I am not in an angry phase, I’m so emotional at noticing so many beautiful things I didn’t during the couple of years I was so defensive and anxious trying to prevent reasons for attack.

[@Undefinible]

I feel you, bro. Same here.

[@alexisgonzales2958]

Veronica Butu I don’t know what your story is, but mine won’t seem to end...

[@amyelizabeth8432]

Wow, That was a huge thought-provoking question! "If you feel you are always having to speak in paragraphs, in order for that person to understand you? Then that should be an indication to leave a relationship, not stay." For me this is was so profound! Thank you Dr. Malkin.

[@Canaday291]

Wow! I realized looking back I was constantly speaking in paragraphs always over explaining,trying to reason, get resolution and defending myself from the ex’s blame shifting ,projecting ,and gaslighting .

[@marloef11]

I've been doing quite a bit if research on the subject of narcissism esp on KZbin and am happy that there is a lot of resources for people like me that were in relationship with a narcissist. Not sure why I just now stumbled across your channel. Thank you for posting most valuable information on here. Not sure where I would be if not for the education on KZbin esp Bout narc abuse. You don't hear Bout that or you don't pay attention until you've been in relationship with a cluster B. Lots of healing too do. Lots of learning and unlearning. Very grateful for the information here. Thank You soo much. It's a true life saver....and sanity preserver....

[@candywilkins386]

I lived this life for 36 years with ex husband! Im permanently disabled from his abuse. The crazy thing was that i didn't know that I was being abused!!! Everyone in my family was aware of the toxicity but me. I just went through a divorce but I got a horrible lawyer and she let him abuse me through the court system. Im disabled, homeless and bankrupt!!! Thinking of starting a go fund me page to start my life over!!!# fibromyalgia # chronic depression # anixety,panic disorder # PTSD

[@pamelam1211]

My husband and I saw a therapist, but it was separate counselling. He knew my husband emotionally abused me, but he said he could fix the marriage. the therapist kept telling me to not divorce. Then I discovered my estranged husband was addicted to pain meds. I separated from my husband. The therapist told me not to divorce because he could help my husband. The therapist also didn't believe in treatment centers. I had to finally file for a divorce and drop the therapist. I trusted the therapist and later realized by staying with my husband it created more stress and depression so I knew if I didn't leave I'd go crazy. The therapist caused more harm to me by insisting I stay with my husband. So There are 2 people who have hurt me. The therapist and my husband. I'm doing so much better, but I do have trust issues.

[@phemadec84]

Pamela M sorry to hear that. I dont think it was ethical for your therapist to do that.. Hope life is much better for you

[@oknon2539]

Im so sorry that someone who from a position of power used that position to control you even against your better judgment and *rights as a patient* to be able to make choices that directly affect you and your life-the therapist abused their privilege of the trust given and the power of their higher education knowledge and clinical understanding. Where instead they should have advocated and encouraged any and all sane and reasonable decisions you attempted in good faith of your independence, your health, your relationship- they disregarded your rights as a patient who isnt otherwise incapable disabled or handicapped-and so they broke their oath and the law. I hope you've gathered the strength to report how your case was improperly managed and how your abusive experiences only increased from having seen this therapist. They dont deserve the privilege of treating others or healing nor do they honor the trist inherent in such a relationship and so should have their license suspended or something similar. They could have used their licensure as a way for them to have the respect of your ex husband. As they could possibly ease communication by relaying what decisions you had in mind and what your ex husband could do to kick his addictions, how to heal from past traumas which have caused him to be abusive in any and all important relationships. Etc Therapists are those whom we trust with the course of a part of our life and how we can better manage. in that time and to the extent that we pay for their assistance we extend our trust into a more vulnerable realm. A vulnerability that we normally do not share with people we hardly know or had recently been acquainted with. This financial manipulation in exchange for more issues and risk to mental health and safety is completely inexcusable and illegsl. I have to ask tho-how did the ex emotionally abuse you?

[@morriganwitch]

at 58 i realise the parent i thought who was a narcissist was actually the victim and the parent i adored was the narcissist i have only ever met narcissistic partners and i thought i was at fault . i ve just been gaslighted and i feel that this is the worst that any human being could feel. my last partner was a malignant narcissist i have anxiety depression and PTSD .

[@doreenplischke7645]

morriganwitch at least you see it all through at last. The truth might be the only thing that can free you. ❤️

[@usedabusedandmisunderstood8205]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/gWHFY6ygqb6EqbM

[@bernadettebates]

Oh my God...Echoism...this is the first time I have heard my personal story told by a stranger...been 'stuck' in an awful 'friendship' for 30yrs!!!!! with a Narcissist......what a relief......I want out.....I deserve to take up my space in the world and to be free to express my needs...........Thank you so much for your video

[@LenkaSaratoga]

Hello, a year later, may I ask how you’ve dealt with that “friend” after the realization you shared in comment?

[@kevinhornbuckle]

This is a real eye-opener. The first thing I observe is what an incredibly tall order this task is. This problem is expansive and, on multiple levels, intimidating. Yet a scientific approach offers the opportunity to get a foothold and say some meaningful (and helpful) things. I am eager to get this book. Thank you for the video.

[@vivalospepes1402]

Been with a narcissist for over 30 years I took it because I thought I could change that person. I thought in the end this person will come to their senses. I feel like I'm a narcissist know I despise this person and I can't stop from saying terrible things to this person. It's like something snapped inside me and I have full-blown hatred for everything this person did to me for so many so many years. I had no way out or at least I thought I did not. A horrible way to live anybody who's looking with a narcissist leave don't let one year turn into 20 or 30

[@Roman_Adrian]

I feel for you and you are not alone. I'm starting to become the very people who terrorize me as well. After awhile, you just want the poking, prodding, using and lying to stop. You dont know who to trust but ur ready to fight. On the contrary, you dont want to lose that wholesome self you once knew. Its so hard!

[@Pattie-o7f]

you may have Cptsd from all the abuse.

[@toothdoc215]

Viva los pepes me too just divorced after 2 attempts third time is a charm so much happier still think about him but 100% less drama He’s so addicted to drugs pornography gas up gaslighting you name it it was disgusting making me feel like I was worthless criticizing nothing I did was any good could never compliment me had to take credit for everything the list goes on so much happier and my kids now see it till they’re 18 and 16 and they live with me and they really don’t care if they see their father because they can see the truth now being away from home but when we all live together he made them feel as though I was the crazy one

[@doreenplischke7645]

Viva los pepes Now is all you have. And now you know. The truth can set you free.

[@lyndaleeladyquixote1321]

Thank you, Dr. Malkin, for explaining that people can get PTSD from their spouse cheating on them. My stepdaughter went through that. She has been divorced for more than 10 years and she has been afraid to date because of the heartbreak she went through. But now, after living with my husband and me for the past year, she is beginning to open her heart again. It is a beautiful thing to see the growth taking place in her. My husband and I have both been diagnosed with PTSD. His is due to combat in Vietnam, and my Complex PTSD is from multiple traumas in childhood and my early adulthood. We understand each other's idiosyncrasies, which is a great help to our relationship. But I didn't realize that my stepdaughter probably has PTSD as well, until I watched this video. Suddenly, a lot of things I didn't understand about her, makes sense. Thanks!!

[@CraigMalkin]

I'm so glad you found it helpful. It's wonderful to hear about your stepdaughter's growth and recovery, and I'm especially glad I was able to help shed further light on your family's struggles.

[@noellebridgman-wile7056]

Dr. Craig, thank you for putting out information that is some of the most responsible available online. And thank you for providing clear, simple, digestible explanations to those of us who were overwhelmed and buried under gaslighting, word salad, and the myriad other constant manipulations. It is difficult to really convey how completely lost at sea it feels after relationships where we can never "win," no matter how much we perform, or overperform. But it is profoundly helpful to be reminded to look after ourselves, to protect ourselves, how to adapt in healthy ways, and when to know to sensibly cut ties.

[@nancypowers1523]

I am so pleased to find this information on your channel as well as how you're approaching such difficult, confusing information. Years ago, I managed to escape alive from an abusive marriage thanks to a talented counselor, but this information is a continuance of it in that I'm now understanding how I've still been attracting narcissists and am yet incapable of healthy intimacy.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Nancy Powers,you are too precious 🌺🌺🌹🌹to be with a narc 🙄!

[@suzieq4584]

I am totally open to a new relationship, I won't let anyone ruin my future, I just want to develop the skills to sidestep these kinds of people now that I know they exist!

[@jdrichardson39]

if you went through this you probably have allot to offer someone😀

[@chandler2020]

I scored the highest on the Echoism scale. Thank you for giving me the validation I've been searching for. 48 years is long enough. Kind of scary

[@patriciabaker332]

I watch this over and over. Clear instructions.

[@CraigMalkin]

So glad you found it helpful!

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Patricia Baker, you look gorgeous 🌹 🌹🌹🌹🌷 🌷

[@theone-uf2pv]

Your definition of "echoism" is the most profound thing I have ever heard. Echoism to a varying degree....has been my life of almost 40 years. Un.....believable. However...I cannot deny it. Thank you so much.

[@Luloba]

I was amazed to see that narcisism was not on my therapist radar. I was suffering from jealousy issues on my relationship. Going Crazy. Through other methods, I came to realize that I was feeling insecure because I was being manipulated in a very very suttle way. I was not this jeaulous in other relationships. I changed therapist, now im going to a especialist on abuse recovery. And everything makes sense. And than talked to some friends that are pycologists and really notice that it was not in their radar. I’m from Brazil.

[@ellyess7203]

Constant alarm state. I know that so well. I had it for over 22 years. I was already terrified of him before I was even married to him. He was over 14 years older than I. I really have not recovered. I was even involved with another one after a gap of six years after my husband, who seemed the opposite of him. Huh! So much for my ability to understand people. They both committed suicide. Both left me with a terrible situation to deal with and money problems to sort out. I feel as if my life has been a waste, because I couldn't recognise I was being abused and I was not able to get away from them. They were so wicked and cruel.

[@Roman_Adrian]

My goodness, I'm so sorry.

[@Pattie-o7f]

how tragic for you...heartbreaking 💔 I believe they target people who are vulnerable and the age gap would definitely give that imbalance of power. My ex has targeted a new victim single mom 30yrs younger. She has no idea what's in store for her and her child.

[@sandracaezza7234]

Thank you for talking about hyper vigilance. My ex wanted to make me feel bad about checking his phone,social media etc. I was living in the home like a prisoner afraid to go anywhere, feeling like something was “up” every time I was gone. It gave me the courage to find the truth. I did, packed his bag & vowed he would never enter here again. This was a home, not his den to sneak around on his web sights. Divorce signed 7 months. Therapy for me, these videos off set my therapy are extremely helpful. I want the knowledge ,it can only help and am grateful I feel fearless. So glad the info on these people is getting out .

[@McFraneth]

I heard about you through Peg Streep. You are doing valuable work and saving an awful lot of lives.

[@bigbeardjefe7202]

The two of the saddest days of my life is when my grandmother passed. and when I found out the woman I fell in love with never existed.i was a p.o.w over enemy lines for ten years.until I made my escape.i still find myself wanting to turn myself in to my abuser.

[@helenyates3951]

Gaslighting is hideous and created brainwashing and terrible symptoms to be honest. 32 long hard years with a Christian priest who wrote letters to say to senior people that me his wife was crazy. He lied repeatedly embezzlement of money, telling parishioners not to take any notice of me about my illness when I had peritonitis Septicaemia and almost died...no one believed I was so very ill. Its a terrible confusion. I left after 32 years and eventually figured out that I suffered with CPTSD I certainly had echoism to a high degree as I was a nurse and psychotherapist myself. I had to deal with a whole hierarchy of people who colluded with my ex. So horrible and after now single for 15 year alone I'm now healthy and happy after lots of therapy.

[@bellasmiles6510]

I was diagnosed with PTSD after my marriage. I am now with a man who is a narcissist I believe. We have been together 9 yrs. And I am now learning my ex husband may have been one and possibly my father.

[@littlegirllost2654]

My mom was a narcissist. My dad did cheat on my mom and Left us with her. She provided for us but no emotions. I learned to be as giving as possible and to make myself unnoticeable. As an adult I cannot take up for myself with anyone without blowing up in anger so My needs go unfulfilled because I hate being angry. I am married to a narcissist and I wonder why I keep getting into relationships with them. I think I’m a beacon because I’m a People pleaser

[@m.skinner6303]

You call it ecoism, and I call it EMPATH....they always attract narcissist, and the narcissists seeks them out too. A narcissist can see all the weaknesses in an empath and they toughen them up. It takes to dance, I am a empath, and I learned that I needed to take responsibility for my role, instead of feeling like a victim.

[@tinaferr]

Your last paragraph is the key. It's why I'm resistant to the empath/narcissist paradigm. You can't change til you realize what YOU get out of the equation as a codependent person

[@charettebyreddog2477]

Wow. Thank you for this series. It took me 20 years to realize the relationship I had in my early 20's was to a narcissist. It has then taken me another almost 2 years for my Self to accept that I am a victim. And have classic signs of cPTSD. Through therapy, it is starting to become obvious that my mother may have some type of NPD but at the very least, extreme emotional immaturity or other personality disorder as explained by my therapist (who obvs cannot diagnose someone else). It has been extremely destabilizing and find myself in the middle of a bit of an existential crisis. I have had to work with a part of me that never allowed myself to be a victim so hearing that some of the things I do are normal responses to abnormal circumstances has been helpful. While also acknowledging it's OK to feel how I feel as I find I gaslight myself by saying other people have had it worse and "so and so" also had these experiences so I can't complain. Thereby invalidating my own. I'm also glad you talked about opening your heart again. I can't believe how difficult this has all been to accept. I look forward to reading your book.

[@timetorise.6970]

It's so so hard.some days I'm ok.then the next I'm totally not functional.then the days where I just can't cope..up down up down..I feel like I ain't got a heart left..still in the shit as well.x God bless you all.x

[@ecarlino8174]

Thank you for this video the echoist explanation helps me understand how I’ve been trapped in abusive relationships and always blamed myself for them I can’t thank you enough

[@CraigMalkin]

so glad you found it helpful!

[@MuslimahWarrior]

This content is GOLD. Thank you for your profound contribution to the world. It all starts with awareness.

[@Lina126y]

I don’t understand how this has bothered me for so long. It’s been. 5 yrs and I’m still struggling with CPTSD. I feel like my life is doomed. I was abandoned by the very ppl that I trusted and I thought loved me. How can I heal. I tried so many things and nothing has worked. It’s amazing how so many therapists are so ignorance of this personality disorder. My narc discarded me. I have not been able to get valid help. I was with a covert narcissist and I blame myself because I only saw the monster right before he discarded

[@cfrdog]

How have you coped since? same.. .discarded like nothing... did not see until too late...15yrs

[@theresemeggitt8455]

Yes I was totally naive trusted him he was so kind & caring in the beginning... slowly they change & change & change .... you don’t open your heart again!

[@nebbykoo]

Thank you, doctor. This is all very helpful. And thank you for concentrating on people rather than data.

[@ashleigh1811]

I have been completely destroyed by my ex. I have been struggling for almost two years in trying to find myself again and it is challenging. I was in a place last year where I believed it would have been better off that I was dead because of how badly I was abused. I was raped twice by him and he made it out to be my fault. I’m so grateful for these videos and I wish I could hire you to be my therapist because I need one I can trust but also get insight from. I’ve been searching and I haven’t found anyone

[@janm9610]

Deepest sorrow 💔

[@joeybarbosa9812]

Thank you Dr. Craig for the clear reminders. Just being around the abusive ex creates anxiety, increased heartrate, shortness of breath and an overwhelming desire to flee. However the narcissist will not leave me alone. Yes I am completely shut down and off to anyone else, especially since I live in fear of harassment. How can I get the narcissist to leave me alone once and for all?

[@gailt5607]

Interesting talk. My ex fits very well into the narcissistic spectrum. He used all the traits. The most confusing things was how did I fall for this? All my research still left me confused, even one person said "you seemed so strong' and I know I am independent and have boundaries, yet I was seduced into a relationship then marriage, when it was not what I wanted. I recognised his behaviors, and crazy passive aggressive, gaslighting, raging, venting and everything left me walking on eggshells, and in fight or flight mode, but I did not know what to do next. I felt to blame. I was doing this to him. So I left. I could never identify as codependent. I did not need him (to complete me or validate me) yet he succeeded in destroying me, my happiness and my peace. Since we were married, I felt the need to try again, after hearing that he was unwell and I thought OK this is why he is behaving like he is. I (get this) apologised and asked if we could try again. He very enthusiastically agreed, and woe to me, he rushes back into the home. We lasted 4 weeks. I, to this day, have no doubt that he actually was trying to kill me, even though he was ensuring all the harmful incidences look like an accident. Or I was mad, crazy, going insane. But that was the end for me. Over. I valued my life enough to see that nothing was worth the craziness I was married to. His toxicity made me ill all the time. I believed he was poisoning me also, maybe just with his words and behavior, but either way he'd be the death of me. He never talked, he never apologised (for tripping me and causing me to fall against a window door and all the other things) I felt unsafe around him. He road raged, argued (vented) whilst driving. I felt in danger all the time. We separated 3 years ago, divorced 1 year ago and my peace is returning, even though I lived in fear for a long time. I can laugh again and my life is returning to normal. But one thing has confused me, and you answered this with your reference to Echoism. Yes that is me, anything for peace. Anything for calm. I get it. My father was an alcoholic, my mother the 'victim' of this and her own horrible past (as we found out later). I'm the eldest of 3 and my middle sister is what I would also call a narcissist. She did many cruel things to me. I was often accused and then blamed for many things, but I was innocent. Even today she will gaslight me. But she also lies, creates her reality, and expects us to believe it. I keep safe distances from her, but understand her behavior better now too. It was my ex and her having it out one day (her sobbing, him venting) which opened my eyes and mind (3 months married) to the fact that I had a very serious situation on my hands...and still it was 6 months later I left him. Thank you for your straight up talk and clear explanations.

[@et1016]

You are so knowledgeable and kind. Thank you for what you do. You are saving lives.

[@juliekennon8965]

Wow! You blew me away when talking about echoism and to try to be or take-up as little space as possible. I’ve said a few times,” I try hard to be as small as possible to not be in the way” and I don’t want to be a burden and to be a help to others. I had never heard that term, a light went on. I just watched another of your videos before this and appreciated many things you said about they don’t have to be charming handsome and outwardly grandiose. Or very verbally abusive. I’ve watched quite a few different individuals videos on this subject. I will get the book because I believe I will benefit from it. I’m glad I found your videos, there are SO many and some have more value than others. For me now, I’m away from my husband. I left before we hit the one year anniversary. I was married for 14 to a different narcissistic type. I could see it starting but the previous was charming handsome and in front of people was so loving. I was the person in the wrong to most people. This person is different in so many ways. I used to say to other people wait long enough and a person will show you who they are, sadly I didn’t wait long enough. So thank you for sharing information. I look forward to reading the book.

[@pattybonner4975]

I've been with my narc 11 years and my God ....it always comes down to me thinking we will get back to the honeymoon stage...sometimes I think I'm crazy...but know I'm really not....walking on eggshells all the time....having to think before you say something as to avoid a narssistic injury.. you don't want to do that you'll be punished for sure...like the silent treatment where your calls and texts are not answered or no call backs could be week then a phone call like nothing ever happened....as long as ya go with it everything's good ..try and hold them accountable ... And they'll say I'm tired I'm goin in or I gotta go I'm not listening to this B's......or you argue about something and they'll throw a line or two that has nothing to do with what your talking about...or ruin every holiday or just not show there face.....having to make excuses for them..they will chase your friends away till u have none...I could live him till the cows come home it doesn't change them....it will be the same pattern...honeymoon stage...devalueizing...discard...Hoover.....looking back over the past 11 years I see the pattern it always existed I just didn't see it cause I was in the thick of it....I knew something wasn't right and I watched a video on narssasism..I been watching a year plus ty for you helping can't seem to get my brain to tell my heart the truth...that he never loved me ....that I'm just an object....my brain can't wrap around it all I can't believe it s all fake...everything has a motive....and even though you know it's not right the way he calls me names....campaighne smears me to his family....make love to you like you have never experienced......telling you they love you passionetly ...and your all goo goo ga ga....but only to be slapped off the pedeastool with out landush harsh words and your left like WTH just happened it's a bit sick viscous cruel cycle that noone should ever have to go through once let alone nu me erous.......I think I'm sick over the 11 years that I would know things ...try to confront but he right away always sais it's not my fault...you always want to blame and point the fingers...he can never be never be wrong...thanks for listening

[@erindianacathey96]

i pray that you are okay patty :( love to you.

[@ellyess7203]

It's incredible that I am listening to this tonight at exactly the right time. I have just discovered how I have never had my own voice and have always assumed that the needs of others were important to the point that I was so low down on the scale I didn't have any needs or the right to expect any needs met. By being able to exist with nothing, including no love apart from that of my dogs, I have been the servant of all these important people with the loud voices who have demanded what they want and made me do things for them. I have always felt like a Victorian chamber maid who was not meant to be seen but must do all the lowliest and dirtiest of jobs. Then this week something happened, which is a legal matter so I cannot go into it. However it goes back over 30 years and I only ever told one person who immediately minimised it, belittled me and told me I was never to speak of it, frightening me into silence. Then last week a circumstance arose and I sent the information about what had been done to me over 30 years ago, to the Head of governing body concerned. I thought at this time, due to circumstances pertaining, that my friend would be grateful, since it would support her viewpoint according to what she had been saying to me over the years and particularly about the recent circumstance. She was livid! Absolutely furious, she told me I should have asked her permission before sending it. I am sorry I cannot give you any details and have to be rather circumspect, but I can tell you it concerned something someone did to me and she was not there, however she has a kind of connection, but the event, which was horrible, had nothing to do with her at all and I was the injured party. I had been silent so long, believing it was the right thing to do because she was so adamant that I must not speak of it. It was a terrible worry to me and I was in silent agony. Then this time, having sent my painful secret to this important man I was amazed at the response. I thought he may thank me and file it with the issues just arisen which obliquely touched my friend. He took it very much more seriously. He asked if they could deal with it in their specialist department as well as if I would inform the Police. He said how deeply sorry for me he was and realised how awful it had been to have it happen and not be able to say anything. When asking for my permission to contact the Specialist department, he did not say he had to ask my friend before doing so. A specialist from their organisation has arranged to travel to meet me. They only consulted me and not my friend. I had naively thought, once they received the information, they would only discuss it with her if at all. I said this and was told it was absolutely none of her business and they were shocked she had prevented me from getting proper help before. They said they wanted to look after me. I was amazed. I had not for once realised, since my friend had effectively told me to “shut up and forget it” that this was a crime against me and I had rights which had nothing to do with her! Then Dr Craig talked about Echo, about finding your voice, and that was tonight, just at the same time as I have suddenly found I have to speak. After over 30 years. With my own voice!

[@Sarahwithanh444]

For someone who grew up with narcissist parents and was basically conditioned to be an echoist (me), your content is like a lifeline. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and helping so many people heal from what would have to be the worst trauma to have to live through.

[@mayrlg1252]

I have suffered from projection and gaslighting for years. Also blame shifting. I have been told, and treated as being insane. I have been told plenty of lies, betrayed and discarded. Other people have been manipulated against me. I recognize a lot of what you tell about. I have felt very confused for a long time. Most of the tactics have been used covertly, on my back, by a little group, close to me, from which I would have never expected receiving such a “treatment”. I have suffered defamation of character, and I have been harassed and falsely accused. I have felt threatened by them and their “fans’ club”. I cannot love people I fear, and whom I just cannot trust anymore.I feel I will have to be on guard with them for the rest of my life. It is a big blow. I have been pushed to an extreme situation. I will have to see how to continue with my life from here. I have been gaslighted for many years.I feel the need of being hyper vigilant. Naturally, after the peak, final explosion of the abuse, I feel safer alone, for the moment. I have repeatedly been cheated and betrayed, since. I don’t trust people easily anymore. I often feel in a fight or flight state. I’d rather be on my own than dealing with any abusive people. After many years putting up with it, and now that I have become more aware of it all, I just won’t accept any such behavior anymore. I trust there will be some healing for me. I will persist and be patient.

[@jenni8032]

I completely relate. I hope we can find what we need to move on and live joyfully.

[@usedabusedandmisunderstood8205]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/gWHFY6ygqb6EqbM

[@mistylongo8403]

You’re amazing thank you for doing this for all of us who are suffering. I’m so glad I found your channel 💞✨🙏🏻

[@specialk3021]

Thank you for validating how horrendous growing up with parents who have this. I have cptsd, bpd, & empty. I'm glad to have found your page. I still am on constant look out. I disassociated my childhood away. I'm an addict to pain meds. Also had cancer at 36. Threw a PE 2 wks after my 18hr surgery. Married 18yrs however he's just shut down!

[@deniseosborne62]

Thank you, Dr. for your informative videos. It helps me to know I am not alone or 'crazy'.

[@janethomas78]

I always tried to do the "Right Thing". I was so scared. I was afraid to let anything "Happen to Me" for fear I would be bad, horrible. My kids were never born. Evidently they did not survive me? I was talked into having abortions... because I was told 'I was no good". Now I am labeled for being 'The Narcissist"? But, I am the one who is always damaged, never them.

[@onlythetruth208]

I hear you. That's what they do, convince everyone we're the narcissist and then try to convince us we are so we become the piece of crap they want us to believe we are. Bless you my friend and I hope 2019 is a good year for all of us.

[@doreenplischke7645]

Or so they claim...😂🙈it is just a script and you do not have to play a role in it. As terrible as the truth is at least you know who you are. You know. And they know. Please chose self love to free yourself and rise above them like a shining star.✨

[@bloominarty839]

people saying they can never open their heart again are wise. until we can be sue that we really understand who is safe, its only gonna make things worse to love another traumatic person. shutting down your heart and then just observing peoples behaviour is a very good idea. don't open your heart until you know for sure you are with a safe person.

[@sylvanas2579]

I wonder how therapist tell the narcs who they really are and how they take it. I would really like to see that.

[@karagraham9764]

sylvanas They aren’t usually in therapy that long bc they are given responsibility for their choices and actions

[@jerink85]

So glad I stumbled upon this video! Thank you! Thank you!

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Jer Jer,Hope you are not with a narc 🙄!

[@snowstormonsat]

I'm also from CT and my mother is BPD and narcissistic and she claimed she had migraines a lot and would sleep a lot. Much of my child hood memories were of her sleeping and God help you if you ever woke her. She was violent, raging, hateful and cruel. My father was very sociopathic and abusive. I was very neglected and starved often. Her headaches magically went away as she aged. Once they came out with medicine for migraines, she no longer had them. She's old now, pretty miserable, she trapped a few family members in her web. I left home at 15 and never went back. Still healing from the trauma at 48. Had plenty of abusive men but been single for the last 4 years and learning to love myself and be alone. Very content alone at this point.

[@TaeceyJones]

Thank you I really needed a professional opinion after growing up and still dealing with my narcissistic grandmother who to this day still tries to gaslight me for distancing myself and my marriage and kids away from her. I always knew she had some type of issue and narcissism fits perfectly.

[@hnkgg584]

I’ve been raised by two extremely narcissistic parents, and have been abused thereafter multiple time in and out of my house, by peers in school too, how do I get out of this situation if I have no money to go to a therapist or no real friends to which I can truly open up myself and feel secure.

[@karagraham9764]

HNK GG social services

[@satsumamoon]

Go for a walk everyday for the purpose of coming up with endless lists of self appreciative statements. You come of of the fear state, you take your focus off the other person and you become self -aware , self centred. You stop thinking about what they are doing and thinking or might be thinking and instead become focussed on what you are doing and thinking.Begin with "I AM lovely" , wait a few moments for your mind to feedback to you and repeat . When you are feeling the truth of the first "I AM" statement, move onto another such as "I AM smart" and then " I can figure out anything that I put my mind to" . Etc keep going with this routine and do it every day. The beginning is better because it will strengthen you for the day ahead. So simple but it gave me the biggest help imaginable.

[@jerrymyers7178]

True and my life has lead me to believe that there is a natural biological attraction between empathy (echo's) and Narc's...

[@suzannerose2130]

Thank you! My experience is with a mother -who -turned on me, with a vengeance. It's been 5 years, of dealing with the vestiges of gaslighting, insanity, and i have never had to see it for what it really is. Now, I am living, in another country, and I am writing, engaging, and singing, and re-building. This is a progressive disease, and it is a deadly disease. I can only say--become more educated, and learn all you can. It will get better. Thank you for being an original thinker in creating this way for those of us who are encouraged to heal.

[@angecynthia347]

Burying my head in books,,and following these specialist doctors have been the gift from God,,,for healing

[@patriziavalenti8124]

Thank you doctor Craig, I am now fully aware of what's being going on inside me and that I was not jealous but normally hyper vigilant ! Indeed I needed therapy but my daughter was my therapist as well as my 2 month vacation to another part of the world :Australia (my sons live there while I reside in Italy. When I returned sadly, some grief and loneliness hurt and disbelief also came back due to memories and locations. I am alone but I feel secure.

[@patriziavalenti8124]

thank you

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

@@patriziavalenti8124 Always be happy 😊😊😊ok no matter what

[@foxiefair123]

Yes, Craig, I do the whole..."no, this isn't happening. I don't see this" thing, because I have been through abuse before and I think, "no, the same thing can't be happening again " But denial doesn't cancel out abuse. I have recovered from some areas of this but I am still attracting this in other areas. I have learned that the best thing to do is just to go, oops, yep, my bad, gotta go. Just like AA. (It took me 15 years to get sober) If you drink, just start over and try again. Same thing with situations. Why ask why. Learn that lesson and move on. Thanks, Craig.

[@lisalanfranchi5188]

I was playing ball with my dog today and I heard several pops that sounded like gunshots but were fireworks. This sent me into full force survival mode (which has been fully on for 3 years now) and 6 hrs later I'm still in a panic attack. I've been crying heavily nonstop since it happened. I'm suffering severe C-PTSD that is debilitating. I finally found some free trauma based therapy and looking forward to that. But it's short term. I'm so scared I won't heal. I don't know how much longer I can live this way. 😢

[@verdevalley1966]

never knew if my narc was malignant narc-or psychopath-i never had so much torture till he retired-then oh myy=he hsd no empathy/concience/guilt/shame/kept drugging everything in house till i was buying peanutbutter/etc,and lockin it in a suitcase,almost killed me a dozen times,would leave like feet cut off of animals on a table,misplace or lose things of mine,he finally passed away and i still have ptsd-i wont drink anything if someone goes near my drink.it is terrible with these people.he was quiet,rarely spoke,neighbors thought he was great-altho was a hermit mostly.people should bbe taught about this early in life.

[@SusanPrattDesign]

When I finally left my workaholic, rage-aholic spouse (couples' counseling was unsuccessful - go figure!), I felt like I had just been released from prison! When I was finally diagnosed with ptsd, I actually felt relieved that I wasn't CRAZY! The therapy that has been the most effective is EMDR. This involves listening to a bilateral drumbeat or ocean waves wearing head phones and relating how you feel/felt in specific situations, past and present. There is a wealth of info and guidance on KZbin. Just type in 'EMDR.' Good luck!

[@Fairyviewroad]

I relate to everything you said.

[@Traceyi1000]

+David Heinzen The frequency meditation videos you mentioned have been very helpful for me too.

[@Alesia411]

Do these abusive Narcissists ever have to pay for what they have done?, cause the one I live with is just destroying me, Do they just get to move on to the next victim? It also screws up the children. This one is very methodical. with his actions, He is somebody so different and very likable in public, talks him self up, how great he is, such a humanitarian. (Not) behind closed doors he is an alcoholic ,verbally abusive and has gone there withviolece a few times, and I am disabled from a stroke i had 18 years ago ,I only have one arm and can not defend myself. but to the outside world to his mother to anybody. who will listen, he is so great and I don't take care of him, Like That is my job, But is it? No. I don't have to do anything for him, He told me this , and I just about fell off of my chair,"ever since you had the stroke I have had to suffer". blew me away, I lost the use of my left side. had to learn everything all over, everything changed in my life, and not for the better, my life is a struggle, and he has verbally abused. since the stroke, broken me down, he controls everything, all of the money , my phone, I have to ask for everything, toiletries, clothes ,anything I may need, and hi is such a DICK. about it to, sorry for that word, but this is how I feel., Is there any way. these abusers are ever held accountable? for just breaking us down these scars don't ever go away they are forever

[@Justcallmekatlion]

I am so sorry to hear about what you have to go through. Is there any family members you can confide in who can help you get out of this situation? It's awful you have to endure this, it is not something you should have to continuously endure, you need to get your life back. I hope there is some way you can leave this relationship.

[@kevinhornbuckle]

Alesia, based upon what you are saying here, you need outside help immediately. Narcissists who abuse disabled people are very dangerous, as you know. Do you have the ability to look into getting help without being monitored by the person who is abusing you? Nobody can just walk into your life and put a stop to what is going on. Most states have agencies that help prevent disabled and elderly abuse. Can you find out if the state you live in has such an agency?

[@DP-hn6rl]

Emerald Cross the eternal sunshine of their spotless minds

[@casse1458]

Tempest they have no attachment to anyone

[@ellyess7203]

Alesia Nelson: I'm so sorry, Alesia. You are in hell. Please start thinking of how to leave. Don't tell him. I was married to one of these. He held the money too, even that which I earned, I hardly had access to. There has to be a way you can get out. Even if you live in a simple one bed flat, you need to be in charge of your own life. It's never to late. Save yourself. Sorry I have only just seen this. Please, leave him.

[@timetorise.6970]

I know I got PTSD.. 20 yrs of manipulation ain't going to do anyone no favours..plz help.i have tried so hard I just cannot do it. I have lost myself..I was a bubbly girl who as been changed into a complete nutter..and everyone thinks it's me,even my family.x

[@adlozi]

perhaps you can move far away from them, otherwise you should stop worrying about what they think. I have experienced it for almost 35 years and I don't care anymore who is thinking what. Inform some members of your family about the issues of the abuser, make it obvious for them and let them think for themselves. And if they won't listen to you, it's their loss. You are not responsible for educating people who don't want to educate themselves, especially for those who don't care about fellow human being. Let the arrogant people sink in their own s**t. Take care of yourself, and don't care about gossips. Imagine you are a famous artist and all those jealous gossipers are ridiculous tabloids - so don't take them serious.

[@bethstover6253]

I enjoyed this. Thank you. I’d be interested to hear your take on how echoism can get triggered or can grow over time when a person is exposed to someone who’s 7+ on the narcissism scale over time. Let’s say someone has echoist tendencies but did a lot of work and was feeling confident and secure when they met a vulnerable narcissist. Then the narcissist sort of wore them down over time with covert abuse. Their echoism might have been a 5 at the beginning but a 0-1 after 10-12 years. This is assuming the person didn’t understand anything about the n/e dynamic at the time.

[@sissi8610]

Just found you. Thank you so much for your videos. I've learnt a bit more now. Especially when you were thankful about all the questions you got, and people sharing their stories. Another KZbin "supposed" psychologist, said something real nasty about people sharing their stories. He put them down for it, can't remember anymore what term he used, it was a big, big put-down. He says he offers skype coaching, but when approached, doesn't answer. Just ignores people. Only after I left messages and comments, did he finally write on his site that he doesn't coach anymore, and he finally left a contact e-mail as well. He was very deceitful and secretive and demeaning. Won't mention his name here, but after that experience I realised that even KZbin shrinks can be Narcissists, or have some traits. I was so glad when you expressed gratitude for the stories, it confirmed my gut feelings about this other man. Hope you're not too overwhelmed with all the responses. Thanks again.

[@Barbara-oi3yi]

About not being alone what if I just moved alone after the death of the only person I was really close to. Although now I'm realizing how abusive they were too. Making friends is quite possibly the hardest thing ever. Echoism is so resonating wow. Singing has really helped me find my voice which makes so much sense with what your saying since I have ptsd from my dad raping me and all the shit that comes with that

[@habanero6332]

I suffered from 15 years of a narcissist/sociopath. I have multilevel ptsd. I suffered severe ill health. I was constantly on edge and highly stressed out. Never sleeping. I have severe reynauds, which is a central nervous system problem in this case from severe stress. I am hypervigilant. I have not closed my heart off as I do not view all men the same but I am afraid. I am now 53 and I would like to know what it is like to be held by someone who genuinely loves me and feel. I am only this year feeling better on the nerve front. I find this left me once, a very strong woman and still strong but torn open and shredded.

[@lynnxu4146]

Just finished the book. Thank you for such great work

[@CraigMalkin]

So glad you liked it!

[@theresemeggitt8455]

Yes sadly I was gaslighted too- therapist helping me through it all.

[@TEXASdaughter]

My ex-husband of 52 years, yes, he gas-lighted, he was abusive, he was a bully, he was physical, he was insane. I ran to escape him many times. My life of insanity.

[@7777species]

I have learned a relation between childhood medical neglect and mauchassen proxy with narcs. And authorities are not addressing these slow murders.

[@klattalexis]

You forgot the 3rd one besides fight or flight: the FREEZE.

[@envyxblotz7375]

Freeze...checking out emotionally and going emotionally numb. Same thing

[@mlou7432]

When a NPD spouse says how MUCH they love you, but calls me names, puts down my ideas, interjects and won’t let me speak, and says hateful things about my family, interests, my aspirations, points a finger at me when I need help, I need to know- does he actually love me? Or is he a desperate host? When we came to a (2nd) impassion in our relationship, he admitted to all the emotional abuse he caused. He says he didn’t know how to love, but that he always loved me, even when he was having a relationship with a woman at work. Is he a victim as well??

[@karagraham9764]

M Lou They love people like objects, like how the rest of us would love a car. Its hard to understand for one who can love but the emotional connection just isn’t their in their brain, like literally

[@janethomas78]

Most helpful!! ECHOING! Creating Self Care Boundaries and then Re-directiing Narcissistic Behavior ! Thanks!

[@joanbaczek2575]

wow, echoism, now i understand why i cant love myself. why i stayed in bad relationships until i was discarded. the one time i left on my own --he haunts and ruins any relationship he finds out about with smear. i couldn't seem to self comfort i defend yell and scream and verbally abuse anyone that i think is abusing me. i have been fighting this knee jerk reaction for over a year, often fail, the best i have gotten to is i snap into verbally abusive attacks but notice and shut up after about 15 min (i used to go into this downward spiral for hours and not be aware of my swears and volume even said some stuff i didn't even really think) how can i get to the point i will have full control of my abusive defense? how do i practice so when im emotionally triggered i can still have the control and empathy i have when not emotionally stirred up. i once bought myself presents put them in a drawer for when i am triggered and feel unloved, sure as beans i was triggered couldn't even remember about the presents i bought myself as a bribe to just shut up and think of something else, and had no desire for anything but yelling. i don't want to intimidate but that is exactly what it sounds like. my brain is just vibrating so bad and i feel like no body can hear me as loud as i am.

[@kevinhornbuckle]

Joan, I don't believe that Dr. Malkin can ethically advise you without first examining you. I am not a psychologist, but I know a lot about this problem you are describing. You can re-train yourself to not verbally abuse people or otherwise yell at them. It takes work. But the good news for you is that you recognize that you have a behavior pattern that you would like to change. That puts you heads and tails beyond where most people with this problem are. So you might say that you have half the battle won. But still, it is a complicated process that takes time and effort. Google the terms self control, emotional self-regulation, intermittent explosive disorder, emotional desensitization, narcissistic injury. Do a lot of reading and you will be able to design for yourself challenges that gradually give you the opportunity to develop behaviors and emotional responses that are healthy for yourself and your relationships with other people.

[@joanbaczek2575]

Kevin Hornbuckle thankyou for the suggestions, i really appreciate it. when im yelling i sound like a narc, and its more than just anger it really feels like a down ward spiral. i noticed im really upset about 10 things but keep lying to myself and pretending im "more mature than that." then i blow up on the 10th thing with all the fury i have for the 10 things combined. but at the moment i think im really justified to be that angry over the last thing. its so ridiculous and im so frustrated cuz even though my verbal fits have gotten shorter, i still don't realize its happening until about 15 min in.

[@pauladsilva9374]

my mom, 1st, 2nd husband were narsasistic.... and I jumped into the fire... with my narsasistic abuser bf.... physically emotionally and sexually abused me.... and he was the only human I ever loved... n I told him this... and he trampled over my heart n soul... 😢😢😢😢

[@usedabusedandmisunderstood8205]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/gWHFY6ygqb6EqbM

[@anthonymorales842]

I couldn't take it anymore the inappropriate flirting the cheating the lying the betrayals the alcohol abuse the avoidance of a direct question...etc I left. The devastating part she met someone within days and married within months.

[@thewoundedhealer4950]

Very informative. I had not heard of echoism before. Thank you. 🙏

[@onlythetruth208]

I can't belive how very quickly things can change. I went from feeling so much healthier after ending a relationship with.a psychopath and recovering from a severe accident, to feeling so traumatized after a conversation with a person from my past I had reached out to. I made it clear to this person that I only wanted to know if my adult child was ok but when this person called me she was demanding and judgemental and angry. This person I reached out to about my adult child made it clear she had spoken to my adult child before calling me so I felt like my adult child set me up to be emotionally attacked by this person and be re-traumatized. I don't think I can ever trust any member of my family again and I am not willing to continue spending so much time recovering from trauma after trying to deal with any of them, this just is not worth it.

[@kellihansen6446]

This talk was so helpful, THANK YOU

[@GabiThomasOficial]

Wow! What a great video! Thank you!

[@lindas2318]

After having picked too many men of this character and narcissism traits I have finally come to the realization that I need to live my life alone. I do have family but am not in a relationship or intimate relationship, I don't trust my pick or choice. I now have been alone for 8 years and had no touch or sex life. It is okay and I have been much happier living this way. It does raise the question though within myself that what is wrong with me to make this mistake several times. Most days I feel very happy and very few that are anything else.

[@fetishisticrose]

yes ..reasons to leave..as opposed to how to deal with it...physical abuse only gets worse.YOU are so helpful

[@funsizeboyce9196]

Dr. Malkin, my mother is bipolar and I was abused sexually as a child. Iam an echoist. My (I believe) narcissistic husband chose me. Our marriage was a complete fabricationon his end. I was with him 24 years and I am profoundly damaged. I am positive that I have complex ptsd. It has been a year since I was discarded and I'm traumatized to the point where I feel insane myself. How do I get a therapist who takes me seriously about narcissistic abuse?

[@funsizeboyce9196]

I would appreciate advice from anyone who has been through similar relationships.

[@metepsa]

I was married to an NPD for 30 years. For most of that, I thought I was the luckiest woman because he was so in love with me, and really affectionate and fun. BUT there were flashes of something monstrous that would then disappear, but they made my blood run cold. Over time, I was conditioned to not disagree or expect an apology. I hated the way he treated waiters and salespeople--like he thought they were stupid. I noticed other people didn't warm to him. His mask dropped completely when his business failed during the recession. He became so cruel, it's as if he not only wanted to divorce me, he wanted to destroy me, I was suicidal for years. The cognitive dissonance between the fantasy and reality was too much. I'd been extremely damaged and I hadn't even been aware of how much. Here's what you need to hang on to. It WILL get better, I promise you. But it will take time. I too, was left with PTSD. Stay away from people who aren't supportive. They only made me sicker because I was so vulnerable! You need love from people who don't minimize and will listen. Unfortunately, unless a therapist is trained in trauma, they can be non-helpful. Mostly, it takes a really long time to process, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[@cfrdog]

Tink same situation here.. how are you coping now? I don't know what to do either. I need a specialist that understands this.

[@donnalangley117]

Thank you. I am afraid to open my heart again. My heart was so broken, to ever let a man be a friend is so hard for me. I just have been here for 11 years. I gave all I had to give and took everything and gave nothing. The wound is so deep that I stay hidden. Even gaining a bunch of weight to hide from the world. I have no contact with him. He tried to harm my daughter and I, we ran away and hid.

[@jouicychaos9389]

Thank you so much for talking about this!! And explaining so well and clear! You are very good at teaching about this. Lots of love and gratitude🙏✨🌸💖

[@mariannepalumbo5639]

I was always confused and after the break up - SELF BLAME, SELF BLAME... still i feel self blame... - my hear is closed off now...

[@DeAtHaToMiC88]

i'm not quite sure what was meant by the comment "if you find yourself having to talk in paragraphs to be understood, its a reason to get out of a relationship not stay in one". towards the end of my relationship, i started to message large paragraphs of messages to my ex (who i happen to think was maybe a narc), she would refuse to answer long messages, i wanted to understand and explain my side of the story... i needed to explain why I was acting the way i was, why i was so anxious... its not easy to explain, but i thought that if i could get out what i felt to her because i trusted her it would make our relationship stronger, if could give us a deeper understanding of each other if she could try to understand my point of view i would have understood hers, but she refused to read/ answer long messages, she didnt want to talk about issues, or feelings. everything was nice, i raised a topic.. she kicked off, flew off at me... gave me the cold shoulder and completely ignored me the very next day it was like nothing had ever happened, i tried to ask her to talk about it, she refused... she even told me she completely had no recollection of the argument (until the next time she felt like bringing it up again) so issues never got solved, i felt like i wasn't good enough and we couldnt work through things, if i wasn't okay with everything then i was to ignore how i felt, when my anxiety built up too much it overspilled and asking a simple question would result in no reply, no resolve... i over compensated and tried to explain myself in big long messages... again didn't read/wouldn't respond. vicious cycle.

[@CraigMalkin]

Sorry for the brevity and I may get back to your question later. It usually means you're having to work harder than you should--that all I meant.

[@DeAtHaToMiC88]

+Dr. Craig Malkin No problem, thank you for the reply. I'm glad I found this video it gave a much needed Profesional edge to something that feels like an emotionaly driven support network.

[@bellefiori574]

+DeAtHaToMiC88 Wow. Reading your story is like reading my own. I too would try so hard to explain, give examples etc.to no avail. It was a set up. Because at the end I would just apologize for something I know I didn't do. I used to feel so bad and ashamed after writing those paragraphs. Like I'm the one who's crazy. I hope you are out of that toxic situation. You just validated and solved part of the puzzle for me. Thank you.

[@narnia139]

DeAtHaToMiC88 talking in paragraphs means exactly the dinamic you described...when you find yourself trying to explain the most obvious stuff to a person that understands exactly what you are trying to say (they are narcs not stupid) but they simply couldn't care less...cause what serves them well is what is happening and no matter how many times you tell them this hurts you it's not going to change anything....They want it that way they do it that way...with these individuals it's always my way or the highway...needless to say it should ALWAYS be the highway for us....do not waste your breath with damaged goods...

[@staceymarie9865]

I did this too. It was like writing into the void but I was so confused and hurt and needed answers. Answers I'd never get and a proclamation of being sorry and telling me he loved me and only me never came. He will never be the man he made me think he was when we first got together

[@blue7880]

My ex narc, my childrens father, has our kids and he turned them into narcs who i am now dealing with. If i want to remain in contact with my kids i have no choice than to endure (not doing very well at that) my children’s severe raging at me and abuse. My ex has projected through our children his own thoughts and feelings about me and uses the kids as weapons against me. It’s a double-double-bind. I am utterly dying becasue i know what this is doing to my chidlren. It’s severe child abuse and I don’t know how to help them. Or me. It’s child abuse. Why wont anyone help us?

[@jenni8032]

I relate to your situation. Try to remember that they aren't children forever, they will eventually see the truth. We can only do our best to be a safe, loving, stable environment for our kids when they arw with us and they will start to see they want to be in the safe environment. They are victims of the narc abuse too and its a matter of time before they decide they don't want to stay in that type of unhealthy environment.

[@JohnSmith-ji7xt]

I tried not to exist unless it was to do things like laundry, paying bills, going to work, taking care of our daughter. Other than those things, I just tried to disappear so that I wasn't demanding in any form.

[@tinaingram8873]

My son is treating me like crap and has been for quite a long long time. He has now totally blocked me and his family from their lives. My granddaughters are 3 and 3 months and I am not allowed to see them. I am in therapy. His reason for blocking me was our inability to travel because of my health and my husband’s health. They live 18 hours away. Now his reasoning for not speaking to me he says is that I am a drug addict. I have lupus, Sjogren’s, Fibromyalgia, interstitial cystitis, and GAD. I do take pain medication prescribed by my doctor and no more than that. I also take Klonopin twice daily as prescribed by my psychiatrist. I have a problem with many many other meds and horrible side-effects. I also take meds for my BP. My son recently contacted me that they got the gift from me for my granddaughter’s bday. He said it came in two boxes. I said please let me know if it was all the gift I had sent, because it said one box on the website. He then replied to me, Stop being nice to me I am not stupid. I was totally shocked and he started throwing jabs at me about my granddaughter not knowing me and on and on and then started with the drug thing. He has zero empathy about my health problems let alone my husband’s. All of these autoimmune diseases changed my life. He cannot be reasoned with and he has exploited me, has no empathy, and is so much into himself he has no time to hear me. I just told him to leave me alone. He also finished with how he doesn’t think he can give my granddaughter her gift. He was so cruel with his comments. Anyway what to do with an adult child that I believe is a narcissist? I cannot win.

[@Canaday291]

It was the incredibly sad scary prognosis that the malignant narcissist alcoholic I divorced never cared at all about me or my children.we were never a priority He wasn’t a person we could rely on to be there for us have our backs or advocate for our best interests especially during vulnerable times.