Hi Dr. Malkin - My partner with NPD has completely changed in therapy over 1.5 yr period which seems like a relatively short time. He went from being in denial to taking responsibility, acknowledging childhood abuse and its effects, realizing that infidelity is hurtful/wrong etc. But recently I discovered another recent infidelity which I was shocked by. He apologized and promised to amp up therapy etc. But when asked why he repeatedly answered "I don't know." How do you know when to stay and when to give up on a person with NPD?
@CraigMalkin7 жыл бұрын
Contrary to public opinion, people with NPD can in fact change, *especially* when they address the trauma and attachment injuries that fuel their pathological narcissism. As long as you don't see the three stop signs--denial, psychopathy, and abuse--which I address elsewhere kzbin.info/www/bejne/l4mZop6wbdN4pMU, the rest of the decision comes down to how willing you are to stay with a partner who's struggling with infidelity; that can be addictive as well. And if even if they're trying to change, as with any addiction--or any problem for that matter--they may well have slips into old behavior. Which means more cheating. Another matter to consider: Are you saying he doesn't know *why* he cheated? Or *why* he's changing? Either one is a cause for concern: unless and until he can tell a coherent story about why he coped the way he did, and what he knows and does now to *prevent* slips back into old behavior, how can you be reassured he won't? I always use this as a litmus test: "what made you choose to be abusive, manipulative, deceitful, unfaithful?" He needs to know the answers to those questions--and you do as well." It was my NPD, my alcohol abuse, my abuse, etc." are not sufficient answers. Those are causes, not choices. Hurtful behavior is a choice.
@CraigMalkin7 жыл бұрын
kzbin.info/www/bejne/l4mZop6wbdN4pMU
@as-ev9ib7 жыл бұрын
Thank you Dr. Malkin. Just to clarify he is not actually diagnosed with NPD by a professional but shows the classic signs. I don't know if his therapist diagnosed him with anything. But I do know therapy has helped him tremendously not just with relationships but his entire life (work, self esteem etc). Infidelity has been the main issue for us. And prior to meeting him I have never seen anyone in my life juggle as many women and need as much attention as him. Once I started looking under the hood of the car the amount of women was extremely shocking. I cannot even fathom how someone develops this skillset. Prior to meeting me "women" took up most of his time. Anyways, when I wrote you and he answered "I don't know" he meant he doesn't know why he cheated. And I fully agree with you, while he made significant progress (I truly believe that) the one thing he couldn't connect the dots on was with cheating. Mother had him young, left him to an emotionally/physically abusive father who acted like he didn't want him and who I believe was a narcissist as well. He did at the end of the day blame it on "I was stupid I thought you were holding me back." And while my ex grew and developed since I first met him, he just couldn't understand really why he cheated. Also we have not been together or spoken since my last posting. And my experience is that as the other commentators wrote NPD is extremely hurtful to other people. But obviously it comes from some hurt place as well which kept me there. You just feel so bad for them. But I guess in the end I started to feel worse for me. Thanks for answering me. Really appreciate it.
@catspajamas29617 жыл бұрын
If they've *ever* shown contempt or hostility, then rest assured that even if they are *now* acting nice to your face, behind your back they are trashing you to others and plotting all kinds of abuse. Looking back at the age of 60, I've seen it over and over, never knowing it was NPD.
@gf26647 жыл бұрын
Been there, it's horrifying. They deny, without any remorse just to do it again. And yes, they just turn it around and say we are with tons of guys. I was completely faithful. Sorry you had the same pain.
@StephA213196 жыл бұрын
"Your concern here shouldn't be whether or not they're narcissistic. Your concern should be that they are abusive, regardless of what causes it." Thank you for saying that. It's so important to redirect that concern / focus!
@elizabethowens85485 жыл бұрын
This answered my question. Narcissist or high functioning asbergers?
@shawnadeyo4 жыл бұрын
EXACTLY. It's hard to accept but if we are here looking for what the hell is wrong with my boyfriend, girlfriend, mom, dad, friend, whatever, then 99.99% they are a toxic abusive asshole and you need to stay away.
@brendakauffman22223 жыл бұрын
Stephanie Amada, I agree. Toxic is toxic whether it's Cluster B individuals or narcissists. The key is if someone is causing you stress, it's time to give them a wide birth or cut them out of your life. If something doesn't feel right it isn't right, no matter what reason or excuse you are given.
@isobelle.London2 жыл бұрын
Within 2 weeks he moved me in to his place and the abuse began immediately speed is a weapon along with quick isolation.
@NoMoreMrNiceGuy2003 Жыл бұрын
I've just seen this video, and I'm so glad that you quoted THAT 4 years ago . People try to threaten those (behind their backs) who dare to spend time on anti-NPD sites as supposedly playing doctor. The funny thing? Their estimation is absolutely wrong. It's all about splitting hairs to me at that point in that desperate defense. Great thing you quote because-- AT THE END OF THE DAY-- it's all about the "Is it good or bad" test. Whether it comes through anti-narcissism sites, does it really matter?
@joanbaczek25758 жыл бұрын
yes i finally made the rule that if a 'friend" keeps refering what i am, do or say is crazy or makes me look crazy they are no longer my friend. period
@CraigMalkin8 жыл бұрын
That's an important guideline.
@Traceyi10008 жыл бұрын
great boundaries!
@ddoyle38567 жыл бұрын
wow.. something so smart stated so simply.
@Jen_nifer996 жыл бұрын
yeah I had "friends" who made me feel that way. They made me feel devalued and as if I'm insane
@CH-RC6 жыл бұрын
Yes, but what are you exactly ;) Perhaps you actually are crazy... hopefully if the other friend calls you crazy, then they want to leave. You might want to consider why people are calling you crazy and you’re posting it on here. Favourite narc tool that’s learned is to discard people who call them out on their shit, then claim it’s abusive and derive sympathy from it. Such as posting this on KZbin ;) Dr. Craig - seemed to go right over your head on this one.
@CTSCAPER2 жыл бұрын
7:40 "Nobody who cares about you should call you mentally ill or crazy. They should be supportive. They should shore up your self-esteem even if it is true that you were struggling and that's what you're hearing. That's abusive. That's emotional abuse. Nobody who cares about you would approach it that way. They just won't. " Thank you for explaining this.
@tobeytristan95346 ай бұрын
Emotional hot potato....my siblings say " it's best you stay with professional help.., "...they have no problems with each other in the family... I'm the only one with problems... " Gaslighting
@tamarawoods73388 жыл бұрын
Recently I dated a guy who quickly went from being that nice guy to out of the blue ripping apart my looks and had the audacity to look at me as if I was crazy because I refused to have a relationship with him. When I talked about mutual respect and I will not deal with his insults he mocked me as if I was too sensitive and all he was trying to do is be "honest" and that's how relationships work *rolling eyes. Well the good news is I cut him off completely even before understanding about narcissism.
@teresacrum81887 жыл бұрын
Tamara Woods ai
@5winder7 жыл бұрын
Good discernment... a gift from God.
@TheStrangelys7 жыл бұрын
Tamara Woods you're a rare, smart woman.
@musicandeye7 жыл бұрын
I believe, that is because you are emotionally healthy. in other words you have a 'secure attachment' style. and you are not a doormat. congrats!
@dorothyschumm81767 жыл бұрын
Tamara Woods i
@carolloraine2236 жыл бұрын
Don't stick around hoping for a change that's NEVER going to happen! Waste of time and energy!! Wish them well....then MOVE ON!!!
@johnking85235 жыл бұрын
yes but do it silently. my mistake has been i came back 8 times with her lying, ill change, plz, pz, abd soon as that door shuts im trapped hostage, call bruce Willis someone plz, now im trying again, but she becomes dangerous if i try, AND TO SCARED TO TRUST THE COPS, to help or sort it out, shes lies so much and well, i fear it will end up backfiring on me, shes pure fucking evil, with a black heart, and a bath in holly water would only evaporate it, allowing them to just do us 7 billion people more harm, 7 billion, why me? what about bob or fred or jim... im lucky shes been giving the silent treatment since yesterday, came in threaten me once and assaulted me, i ignored it.. i may die but dying trying, if only i as fast as forrest..
@bandieboo81025 жыл бұрын
@@johnking8523hard stuff. 😳
@goldn9095 жыл бұрын
Tommy Chong hope you got out
@bodaleedalo5 жыл бұрын
Carol Loraine wonderful lady
@lisabuteau12094 жыл бұрын
Your right!!
@sydneylau888 жыл бұрын
I believe I was in a relationship with a narcissist......it was the most gut retching, damaging experience I've ever had in my life......and I mean damaging on a deep soul level.....I don't think I'll ever be the same person again. I have never cried so much in my life and been so overwhelmed........The picture I have of this scenario is I was a plate that was destroyed and smashed to pieces on the floor.....abandoned and rejected....left to pick up the pieces of my life....while he moved on into another relationship.....I am so angry, hurt, betrayed on all levels........it's the most horrible and tragic experience anyone could ever go to........it was the biggest mind fuck that left me feeling like an empty shell of a person.......
@CraigMalkin8 жыл бұрын
I do hope you have good supports and help. It's possible to work though the pain, but not alone
@Neneham19667 жыл бұрын
Just know that just because he's moved on to another relationship, she's gonna get the same exact treatment you got. You've been spared.
@victoriousjoy93387 жыл бұрын
Sydney Lau That is so very sad. I too have had that several times. Never again tho. Sorry for what happened to you!
@jensbasement38626 жыл бұрын
I know that empty feeling. Narcissists do damage us on a deep soul level as you said. Its their way of eroding our identity. The best advice I can give for you to heal is to think of narcissists in general terms, all these people behave the same way(their motives are usually the same). They only see people as tools, not as people with feelings or a soul. They could care less about listening to our soul and connecting with us because they cant. They can't form true connections with people, even the most educated narc can't. They don't see people as individuals with needs, wants, dreams. They literally cant handle listening to our needs because it requires them to think outside of themselves for once, which they cant. We are, you were, an empty shell to this person. Its a blessing in disguise for them to leave because they never gave you the love, attention, affection and security that you deserve. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you are not alone. The more you educate yourself on this topic, the more you'll become aware of who you can trust. You'll realize who is important to you, and begin to choose the people who will be good for you to spend time with. Its important to have boundaries.
@leedavila16 жыл бұрын
Sydney Lau I
@fernwebb93436 жыл бұрын
I was raised in a narcissists home. Brother may be sociopath. Father a narcissist and probably bipolar. Took 63 years, but I am free now. Life gets better every day. Stork left me on the wrong doorstop. #nocontact will be in therapy for life.
@HotSeat176 жыл бұрын
So much love to you Fern💝I am keeping you in my prayers for healing deep wounds and having peace that surpasses all understanding.💝
@metfanmetfan14776 жыл бұрын
Thank got your still alive
@ColKlink-yh1ro6 жыл бұрын
James Smith Jackass
@julietaferrario49346 жыл бұрын
Fern Webb it took me 40 years to leave my gaslighting narcissistic husband .
@earthhealer11746 жыл бұрын
Fern Webb your statement gives me life 😭💚💜💙 thankyou. I am so happy for you that you can say this 😊 thankyou for sharing. I am looking forward to the time I can say what you said and with such healthy smile x namaste
@jurejo8 жыл бұрын
Make no mistake , even with mild narcissists in your life a codependent will end up being emotionally hurt. It is done very subtly. It feels like they destroyed your soul & you only realise once you leave. Would love to see these people healed for everybody's sake. For the time being, I am staying away, as much as I can.
@Strange99526 жыл бұрын
jurejo I wish I wasn't this monster, some people bring it more out of me
@janehobson23556 жыл бұрын
You seem to be confused as to whether you are a narcissist, or in a relationship with one. Maybe it's a misuse of grammar/syntax etc. but that's how it sounds.
@alagianelloni15005 жыл бұрын
Yes soo true ended up twice in the hospital
@andybrar35995 жыл бұрын
Same 😢🙏🏽🙌🏼
@hazeladimoolah7379 Жыл бұрын
@@Strange99526:49
@cillyhoney18926 жыл бұрын
I am fiercely independent because I've learned you can't trust people. Over and over in my life I was betrayed and abused and used by people who I trusted. Some of your warning signs are vague and are shared by people who've survived abuse but are not narcissist themselves.
@BabyfaceGaming1015 жыл бұрын
I was thinking the very same thing...
@marijabu5 жыл бұрын
I, also, do not enter into relationships and keep most people at arms length. I have found it hard to maneuver through life without snagging on the odd narcissist here and there. I have learned, after many years of therapy, not to get sucked into their vicious vortex. Considering that my narc mother destroyed all hopes of ever having love from my family, I spend most of my time working, writing, going to school and creating art. I am actually healthier than I have ever been but I hold out hope that the next incarnation will be kinder and gentler to me.
@Punkpsychobilly5 жыл бұрын
Cilly Honey, yes!!! 100%. There’s a lot of things this guy says are warning signs of a narc, but they’re the same things that I said to my narc ex once I figured her out. Watch Dr. Les Carter in the Surviving Narcissism channel, he’s the best.
@DulceN5 жыл бұрын
100% agree. Same here. I've never been a co-dependant but I was raised by an overt narc mother and atracted several other narcs (husband included) during my adult years. I had to work hard to overcome all the negativity and turn into the best person I can be: highly educated, assertive and fiercely independent. I am very pleased with the results and, in order to protect myself from future damage, I decided to never enter another relationship. I only see men the same way I see women: as friends, and as soon as I notice someone is attracted to me I make clear that I don't date and I'm not looking for a partner. This is not being narcissistic, it's being in a constant, necessary self protection mode.
@iniubongnkanga93905 жыл бұрын
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
@deborahtruthseeker1125 жыл бұрын
The narcissist never told me I was crazy or mentally ill. He said I imagine things when he gaslighted me.
@julieworsley50485 жыл бұрын
the one I worked with did to me.
@sunshinedayz70324 жыл бұрын
My ex husband would say that I was crazy when I stood up for myself and would try to get him to stop abusing me. He would chase me around the house yelling at me, saying that he was not yelling. I had to lock myself and my girls in the bedroom, and he was beating on the door yelling that I was crazy and that he was not yelling. 🙄🤨🤔 My ex boyfriend did not say I was crazy, but he would say I was imagining thing, insecure, jealous, etc. -as he stared at other women, flirted with other woman, watched porn, talked to other women on the phone and text and had other Women's hair on his coat, shirts, car. As well as having other Women's earrings and makeup in his car and had condoms in his travel bag when he was going out of town WITHOUT me. 😕😲 He is such a liar and cheater. He yelled and raged at the drop of a hat as well. So happy to be away from both of them. One year free and happy to be by myself. 😁😄💕💛
@josephharden55924 жыл бұрын
Same thing...just a less confrontational way of saying it.
@rv7068 ай бұрын
He wasn't "the narcissist", YOU have been spending too much time on the internet!
@damattice235 жыл бұрын
I’m a therapist. So my most recent narcissist boyfriend really had to play a subtle game. I set limits and expectations from the beginning and still he eventually duped me for three years. Boiling it all down- despite “improvements” with me, overall it was “all about him”, he was unable to really put himself in the shoes of others, he was very rigid, and was happy to attack if he thought he could get you to do what he wanted. He also learned how to really get under my skin emotionally by withholding. I reached my lowest low before I saw it.
@sarwarbaig2077 Жыл бұрын
I’m a mental health professional and I was at the receiving end of terrible narcissistic abuse from my ex.
@rv7068 ай бұрын
You're a *THERAPIST* and you use this internet pop psychology moral panic language?? Holy fυck. Your ex wasn't "a narcissist". He was (maybe) a bad person, and (surely) YOU have been spending too much time on the internet.
@momof47087 жыл бұрын
I believe, It's hard to recognize 'All' types of Narcs . Narcissism comes in all shapes and sizes. You have Fathers, mother's , step parents, siblings, husbands, wives ... etc They all don't 'act ' nor 'react' the same way. But the signs are there!!! My Eyes are wide Open!!
@rohithreddy756 жыл бұрын
no they are all same,you just need to be conscious. talk lees
@69birdboy3 жыл бұрын
Everyone's a narciccist to some degree...everyone
@ccsworldaustralia43327 жыл бұрын
At the end of the day, there are 100 shades of narcissism.
@enricomiceli87046 жыл бұрын
no it's more like 4 or 5
@RantTherapist5 жыл бұрын
But only 50 shades of gray?
@knowledgeapplied5 жыл бұрын
No, actually, they are completely predictable, and have only a few shades (5 maybe?) since they are so shallow, hollow, and weak.
@Punkpsychobilly5 жыл бұрын
Watch Dr. Les Carter, surviving Narcissism channel. Best guy out there on the subject.
@DulceN5 жыл бұрын
Indeed. They present themselves in every imaginable way.
@traemay26137 жыл бұрын
My ex narc would wait hours or days after I had raised something negative about him & then say something to me to really hurt me..personal things that struck at my core being. & I was always left confused as to why he would say that...then I worked it out its because I put him down albeit constructive criticism. they don't forget a single thing. they keep a list & then attack!!
@boababtree1657 жыл бұрын
Trae May omg me too!!!! I would raise a problem or something he did that hurt my feelings and he would tell me he would respond later just to come back to tell me I'm wrong and that make himself the victim
@Pierette10016 жыл бұрын
My narc ex would wait 6 months or more to punish me for any unintended slights on my part. Very scary and controlling, and escalating violence.
@dragon21956 жыл бұрын
It's because it's what they are used to being put down and abused so they expect that from people. They don't forget what you said or do because they hold on to the pain just like when they were abused in childhood. The abuse struck them and they held on to it until they were completely changed mentally! They are covert and wait because of the fear of being punished like in their childhood. It's all aimed at their caregivers and themselves. they show people who are closet to them what happened to them through treating others the same way. Everyday they relive the trauma, there's a war going on inside of them we don't see. They are always in survival mode fight or flight.
@Religious_man5 жыл бұрын
@@dragon2195, that's not an acceptable excuse for treating others with abuse. Either repent and change your behavior or be ostracized --- that's how it's supposed to work. I don't care if your relationship with Mickey Mouse never worked out for you; I'm not letting you treat me like shit. Understand or not?
@iniubongnkanga93905 жыл бұрын
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
@pavanatanaya8 жыл бұрын
I work with a covert Narc....A wolf in sheeps clothing. Switches from victim to perpetrator with each new audience member
@Chasing708 жыл бұрын
pavanatanaya probably my son
@sanseji7 жыл бұрын
@lisa, wow.
@MrSurfsAlot7 жыл бұрын
haha ur the one that raised him i bet it's your fault
@alicegharibjanians14496 жыл бұрын
To Lisa. Do not take the blame based on one of the comments. I honestly believe that narcissism can be inherited. We have soooo many in my husbands family. Each come in a different package. Some with money, some without, it all full of themselves and looking down upon everybody else. They tried to use me as a scapegoat, I didn’t play the game because I knew better. When you need family in a foreign land, sometimes to put up with more than you should. At last they are filed away.:)))) it is wonderful. I saved my health and sanity.
@AmbyJeans6 жыл бұрын
Sounds exactly like my ex best friend
@ebj57587 жыл бұрын
Regarding apologizing, have you considered the covert NPD who does eventually apologize only after an exhausting hour or two of emotional abuse and trying to convince them of the actual facts they have so conveniently twisted in order to always remain the "innocent victim" of what they deem as your constant critical negativity towards them? In my experience the apology is typically ingenuous, comes with a obligation to instantly forgive them, and merely a means to an end that will benefit their self-interest alone in one way or another. Later on they use it as a tool in their smear campaign against you to convince you and everyone else how "cooperative" and "spiritual" they are because they apologized and you just won't forgive them (assuming they even bothered to keep the details of the story accurate and in context which is highly unlikely). So, from their perspective you not forgiving then becomes "the problem" and the main reason why neither of you can resolve your differences and move forward. They are master manipulators, lying even to themselves, in order to avoid feeling any sense of shame, guilt, or remorse leading to true repentance, hope and healing.
@goddessloretta7766 жыл бұрын
Wow. You just hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what I have just experienced
@donkayiagraham8996 жыл бұрын
OMG.... YOU JUST TOLD MY WHOLE STORY!!!! SO, I'M NOT ALONE!!! IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY
@Gem32376 жыл бұрын
Wow. That is exactly the pattern.
@starlyghtdrifter665 жыл бұрын
My ex gf in a nutshell Spent 3 years of my life supporting her and paying for all the bills and rent alone. In the end I couldnt put with the lies and especially this blame game that you perfectly described and I sent her on her merry way. Best thing I've ever done
@theschnauz21385 жыл бұрын
You just described my sister in law. She did something horrible, has never apologised and my husband and I are the horrible people that won’t forgive her. My husband’s entire family thinks we are to blame.
@massielcalenzani28056 жыл бұрын
Changing the story or giving you gifts to calm you down.
@Religious_man5 жыл бұрын
gifts = bribery
@spruceguitar5 жыл бұрын
“Exploitation, Entitlement and Empathy Impairment” Well said.
@cokaleaf48767 жыл бұрын
After showing my Narcissistic mother this video her response was " Well I tried to warn you about these kind o people"
@HotSeat176 жыл бұрын
WOW! They just don't get it! Much love to you for trying.
@jartotable6 жыл бұрын
Lol... Sort of thing I'd do...
@fruitblossomblue11336 жыл бұрын
I loled
@emilybets4186 жыл бұрын
Wowoow... be strong... you are not alone... ❤❤❤
@metfanmetfan14776 жыл бұрын
Sounds familiar
@thepaintedlady46376 жыл бұрын
You said the true sign of narcissism is 'being loathe to depend on others in any way'. What about persons who try to be as independent as possible in order to protect themselves from being abused? I say this because I would never want to be financially dependent or interdependent with a spouse because I know that I could be set up for abuse if the partner had financial control or supported me in any way. I feel like this is the main way that women get stuck in abusive dynamics. Once they decide to depend on their partner, they are set-up for the partner to have all the power and control in the relationship and that would make it very difficult to leave if things became abusive.
@rohithreddy756 жыл бұрын
ThePaintedLady 100% true.But independance itself cant assess whether someone is narc or not.Narc is nothing but who gets happiness by putting down others.
@goldn9095 жыл бұрын
I get what you’re saying. I was abused my my parents financially as well. That’s the way they kept control over what I could and couldn’t do. I agree it’s great to be independent especially in this situation
@iniubongnkanga93905 жыл бұрын
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
@bodaleedalo5 жыл бұрын
ThePaintedLady that is where I am at at 42 years old !!
@sfletch30425 жыл бұрын
He said in any HEALTHY way.
@sandracaezza7234 Жыл бұрын
My ex never saw my discard coming. He had become so grandiose I watched very calmly as he totally knew he was busted. My prior work to finding him out also gave me back my pride in who I had been in our marriage. He had many addictions & relapses , social media became such a power to him, it was repulsive to watch. This information Dr M has helped me so much recover from this long term life with someone that will never want to get help. Rinse repeat will be his life. I on the other hand will find grace & pride & return my self respect TY
@RonkeStation6 жыл бұрын
I have been coming to the realization that since escaping a family full of Narcissistic abuse that you run into the danger of bringing in other Narcs into your life. Somehow still having Narcs as family in my life guarded me against having Narcs in my long-term romantic relationships. I just broke up with a covert-narc 5 days ago and I entered into this relationship willingly as if I was missing the emotional abuse. It is so important that you fill in those holes they leave behind because more Narcs will come flooding in whether you seek it or not. They sense the hole and will try to fill them in.
@gwendolynwehage63366 жыл бұрын
I have been told often by the narcissist in my life that I drive everyone off and that no one likes me. This is also how others in the narcissistic families treat me without actually saying it. When someone is the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, there is a continual demonstration of contempt on the part of all those who like each other but despise the scapegoat. Once I began to go no contact with nearly all of them the joy rushed back into my soul. Once a year I have to see an adult narcissistic child and the anxiety floods back in. I dread the visit and am relieved when they leave again. Its been my experience that narcissists don't trust good people because they are not trustworthy and think everyone else is like them.
@Xyzcorp-p7q6 жыл бұрын
Wow. You just described my whole family. At first I thought I was born with a sign on my head that said: "abuse me." Now I realize that I am the handy scapegoat.
@privateprivate50348 жыл бұрын
My boyfriend is a doctor. I had a professional career but was diagnosed with a severe illness. He showed signs that concerned me. He called me constantly and asked me what I was doing. He loved bombed me by offering to take me places. He rushed into the relationship by pressing marriage and children upon me. Then he began to insult me. He said, "Well what if your new business idea doesn't work and, "Aren't you ever going to work?" I am retired as a result of my condition. Now he keeps saying, "Well I want children and a family and it is a deal breaker if you can't give that to me." He knows that I am not fully recovered. I can not have children because I am ill. He keeps pressuring me to speak to a doctor about a surrogate. I think he is using me. I feel uncomfortable. I also discovered that he is a hoarder. He calls his x wife crazy as well. He lacks empathy for my feelings and holds love back from me. His clothes are stained and he has made comments about my clothies. I was wearing a silk designer dress and he said that it looked like a rag. He put down my clothes twice. I have attended alalon for codependency issues and that is how I discovered narcissism. I was listening to Begood4000's videos and he specified all the things to cause this. I ignored the warning signs, my gut feelings and I told him my history. Telling people your history is like throwing blood to the sharks. I really feel unhappy. This mand doesn't pay my bills. I pay for everything yet he questions me about my dream goals. I don't feel like he has the right. I just ended it in my ow way. I said, "I can't take the pressure of your threats to leave me if I can't have a baby and I can't handle being afraid to say I love you and receiving no response or I don't know. He actually said that once. I don't know...and ended with I don't know how I feel. You didn't see the doctor about a surrogate. He told me that his father was an alcoholic and abuser. He never received any treatment. I surely think that staying with him is detrimental for my health. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and saving lives! Yes all the warning signs mentioned are clearly there.
@privateprivate50348 жыл бұрын
He also does not see me Monday through Friday. His excuse was that his second office kept him up late. He closed his office. I believe that he is a liar and I was just naive to believe him. I was so busy that I just did not pay attention. They lie. Yes. I do not ever want to see him again.
@theoptimistpippisam67768 жыл бұрын
Run for the hills & further still!!. I've been there with my estranged doctor husband so am talking from experience. I've reclaimed my soul & can see a future after all the unimaginable pain. Good luck!
@nancyvega17858 жыл бұрын
Private private You have the answer already, you already said in many words that you don't want to tolerate his covertly and overtly abusive behaviors.
@ipeamarelo40927 жыл бұрын
For the love of God - break up with this jerk!!!!! NEVER marry or have kids together! EVER!! Take charge of your life and break free! I am divorced and share custody with a narc. If you think things are bad now, you cannot imagine what a nightmare is to divorce a narcissist and share custody. Please! Save yourself when it is time!! (I wish someone had told me that a few years ago!!!!)
@asadsoul79407 жыл бұрын
Private private never bring a baby into crazy. you did the right thing
@forjusticetruth9437 жыл бұрын
Is it possible that the narcissist might apologize for the sake of manipulation and to hoover you back in but then when things really end between the two of you they won't apologize because they no longer see it as beneficial to them?
@lookatmepleasesir6 жыл бұрын
yes they're not going to apologise for any reason other then personal gain for themselves
@silvercole92916 жыл бұрын
Yes!
@alicegharibjanians14496 жыл бұрын
Apology at night for a good reason, negating the apology the next morning... isn’t that sickness? That’s narc. Lying left and right.
@overcomer41966 жыл бұрын
yes my mother apologized but it left me more confused because she didn't explain WHY or WHAT she was apologizing for
@millardthompson68446 жыл бұрын
yes
@cyndimoring93896 жыл бұрын
I've read that narcs don't have deep feelings. All their feelings they may actually feel, but at a shallow level. After being apart for a year, I sent him pictures of us on vacation & asked if he could remember where it was. He had no idea. I think they forget emotional attachments quickly once they move on to a new supply.
@eurokay47553 жыл бұрын
My older brother has been an emotional bully (my term) all his life. When we were kids, his abuse was physical and also sexual. As adults, things between us improved for a long period while he was married and for several years after his divorce, 7 years later. As he's aged, he's become noticeably bitter, cynical, conspiratorial, etc. Over the last 10 years or so, I've once again been the victim of hateful, accusatory, mocking emails and texts from him. I finally, with the help of videos like these, put together the pattern of these more recent abuses. They all involve my mother. About 10 years ago, he became her self-appointed advocate, genuinely doing helpful things around the house,, etc but all the while sugfesting to me and my younger brother that she was "losing it" and probably needed to move to an assisted living center. I spent lots of time with her and never noticed anything much. During these years, part of his "helping" her included verbally berating all sorts of people he believed were trying to take advantage of her in some way. This included me several times. In my case, he would send me disturbing emails/texts accusing me of exploiting her, lying to her, ignoring her, etc. The missives always started with "Mom tells me you . . . " Back then, I immediately adopted his viewpoint,, felt guilty, ashamed and responsible, even though I knew I hadn't done what he accused me of. It was devastating to me to think Mom apparently thought I had. I would immediately cancel or change my plans or otherwise "correct" my allegedly offensive behavior. I never directly asked Mom if I had, in fact, hurt or taken advantage of her. I realize that sounds crazy, but I was embarrassed, ashamed and just wanted to fix whatever it was. I've pieced together the pattern, which is that she did, in fact, discuss with him personal things I've shared with her. She then speculates with him "what's really going on." She tells him (not me) that she disapproves with a decision I've made, for example to spend Christmas with my husband's family, and I will then get a nasty email telling me that Mom is hurt and angry because she "knows" I'm threatening to spend Christmas with others to manipulate her into doing something for me or giving me something. (My husband and I are very comfortable, financially, and in no way dependent on her.. My brother is retired at 55 and lives in a house she built "as an investment" in exchange for maintaining the property) I realized this was the dynamic when I observed them doing this same thing to Mom's brother, a trusted and well-loved uncle. He usually sends the tax documents for a family business they own, and I listened while they discussed how the document had come later than usual and was sent by my uncle's son-in-law. They were upset and confused because SIL "isn't even a family member" and wondered why he hadn't asked my brother to handle it, etc. As they talked, I realized they did this all the time - speculating about the probable malignant intent of close family members. When I interrupted to remind them that my uncle's wife was in the hospital in serious condition after a fall, they seemed annoyed with me. My question (finally) is what do you call someone who behaves like Mom? She's very open about expecting to be able to rely people for help with all kinds of things. However,, she is an integral part of my brother's hostile and abusive treatment of others. I tried to point out that he was being abusive to her neighbors and other people in her name and on her behalf,, and she seemed o.k. with it. As for his abusive treatment of me, she said I was being too sensitive and should know ""that's just how he is". Is she also a narcissistic person or just his enabler? He has said incredibly condescending, contemptuous things about her to me in the past, and talks to her often as if she's a child. I'm confused and wondering if anyone has any insights to share.
@Knoleeiseytoedom-jz5li Жыл бұрын
I hope you're ok
@mattng4707 Жыл бұрын
Check child hood wounds and create major boundaries and best way to deal with narcaccist if they truly are ..don't play victim ..take action ...boundaries and move on ..allot of us are emeshed in families but boundaries and sometimes separation is needed for your own wellbeing and ya own family well being
@marcusrayrosales17 жыл бұрын
I recently had to cut out a best friend for 15 years because he is a narcissist. I brought up issues to him, and he just called me delusional. Before confronting him, I asked others who saw how he talked to and treated me what they thought of him, and they all said he's selfish and only respects himself. I can go on and on about what this relationship did to me in the end, but one important thing I did learn was to let go.
@Bargains20xx6 жыл бұрын
Yup the people observing their behaviours will tell you if somethings wrong. My brother told me several time during the course of 2 years that this is not a healthy relationship. I said well not everybody is the same. and guess what ? I fucked up my own self
@ngoc32858 жыл бұрын
If a person was abused as a child, then it seems reasonable that person does not want to depend on others and be vulnerable. That doesn't mean they are narcissistic.
@DodgaOfficial6 жыл бұрын
Ngoc just because it explains the behavior doesn't mean their behavior is right. It's not just not being vulnerable, it's how they manipulate people and milk them for all theyre worth. Narcissist basically see any kind of reliance on other people as an extremely scary thing, and so they need to manipulate that person and control them, and then they take what they need as much as they can and then discard the person. It is extremely wrong and evil, and having an abusive childhood is no excuse.
@DodgaOfficial6 жыл бұрын
Ngoc the worst is when they are forced to rely on other people, when they have no other choice but to rely on other people. They will basically make you think you are doing nothing for them, and anything that you do for them, they deserve it and are entitled to it, so instead of feeling like they are relying on you and you are doing them a favor, they can tell themselves that you are doing it because you owe them, and therefore they don't have to show any gratitude for what you did.
@FarahFarah-zo9kv6 жыл бұрын
Ngoc I agree... Neither did I agree with him on that....Also the part of about a narcissist trusting people. He makes anyone seem as if they are a narcissist....You cant even think your in love from what it sounds like. People sometimes do have grand emotions when they meet someone they like and may even put the person on a pedestal...He seem like a story twisting narcissist.
@jcisking86646 жыл бұрын
Ngoc Exactly. He got that wrong for sure.
@Indigo_newness6 жыл бұрын
Agree I’m not a narc I went through horrendous abuse and I just don’t trust many people...etc...I have a lot of triggers and cpstd. And have avoidant behaviour sometimes but I wouldn’t hurt a fly...I’m just protecting myself and on guard a lot but I think people don’t understand me a lot of times....and the answer is how could they...you know what I mean.....I don’t tell everybody my story....it’s my story. I have to just live and get through my life the best way I can scars and all...and most important to me is raise my children in a loving ,safe environment and that they will never go through what I went through.😉
@belindabryce88827 жыл бұрын
Thank you for saying "no one who cares about you would call you crazy or mentally ill"! It took me almost 12 months to work out that I was not bipolar, schizophrenic or had a personality disorder through confirmation from my GP of 17 years and a psychiatrist. He was totally, totally convinced there something wrong with me.... and at this point so was I. When I started standing up for myself again, telling him that I had seen a specialist and my doctor and they believed me to be traumatised etc but not suffering from any of these illnesses, he left for someone else he had lined up. Marriage counselling was a disaster as he worked hard to even get her on side' The last session we came out of he said to me because I had brought that I believed there to be a trust, control issue in our relationship...."how dare you bring that up in front of our counsellor". It was then that I knew there was nothing more I could do. Yes, the trauma and PTSD is huge from these mind games. I am so worried for my teens that he is now manipulating and controlling with threats and as they see me as a weakling, my thoughts don't count. And of course, now that he has destroyed me emotionally, he is doing everything he can to destroy me financially. Until you have lived this horrendous thing called 'narcissism' you can not possibly understand it to its fullest. It is only when you step away from it and watch it from the outside, do you really start to see it for how it really is. My ex is putting on a text book display. Somehow now I have to put my life back together and continue on.Thank you for your videos Dr Malkin that helps to bring things more into perspective. Whenever I have doubts or feel unsure if it is real, I just look up more information on narcissism and remind myself how lucky I am to be free.
@maryannpetri32306 жыл бұрын
Belinda Bryce my Ex called me mentally ill in court to get custody of the kids and it worked. The judge and opposing attorney were BFF’s and that didn’t help. My kids were telling the judge the truth and what they wanted, but their words were swept under the carpet. Based on his/their lies and calling me crazy cost our family dearly. I even have a letter from the oppposing Attorney calling me mentally ill....
@Bargains20xx6 жыл бұрын
She told that to me too and I was like what? I have a mental problem when you are the one who acts crazy and keeps changing your statements and lies constantly, but i didnot say anything. I was madly in love with her. I allowed the abuse. Though i feel fine and confident in myself now. I am still vulnerable to the tactics. Hope to not fall for it again
@odette89055 жыл бұрын
All credit to you Belinda for getting out. My story is the same. Sadly, social services and legal people often just don't see the wolf in sheep's clothing. Getting out and going minimal contact is the best way. And self discovery and living your best life the ultimate reward.
@Strange99526 жыл бұрын
When I'm angry, a certain anger where I feel pushed over the edge, it's as if I can intuitively sense what the other persons insecurities and weaknesses are, and I viciously attack those in people, I see their egos crumbling and I feel a sense of success.
@janethomas787 жыл бұрын
My sisters had to take over my Mom's position as "being my mother". THEY terrorized me when I was a small child, and still do. Making me afraid of everyone and everything. THEY are Narcissists, feeding off my fear and controlling my life, sabotaging my relationships with others. They are abusers, conduct smear campaign against me while representing themselves as 'Better" I did go NO contact because there is no point in me trying to stand on a slippery slope with them any longer! I always am pushed face first into the mud.
@jilliansmith71237 жыл бұрын
No Contact is super in your situation. Why don't you pick an activity and try it for a while and when that class our course is over, try a different one. You can always pick up the first if you find it was better. Or try a third activity! There is no one royal road to recovery but time and living your OWN life.She sounds like a total narcissist, so typical. I'm glad you got out.
@ensignmjs70586 жыл бұрын
Machete.
@elizabethvoorhees63797 жыл бұрын
Dr. Malkin, As a DV advocate for over 20 years here in California, I was soooo impressed and thrilled to hear you say that narcissism is not the issue of focus in an abusive relationship! The abuse is the problem! Having done this work for so long, I understand that survivors of this abuse NEED to know why it happened to them; they believe it will help them to heal. I've never seen it work that way, unfortunately. But, if they can get a clinical diagnosis for why their abuser abused them, it means two things: he didn't CHOOSE to behave this way, he's just sick, and also that they didn't deserve the abuse. I love the website you refer people to, but I also want to publically put my email address out there. Anyone with questions or who just needs support can contact me in complete confidence (I'm also a licensed attorney), and I will always he honored to help. Congrats on your reissuance of your book! I can't wait to pick up my copy. Thank the Powers That Be for men like you. -elizabeth [voorhees.liz@gmail.com]
@elizabethvoorhees63797 жыл бұрын
P.s. Unfortunately, even though we have some really great laws here, in Cali especially, courts still really suck at recognizing this kind of narcissistic control as "real" abuse. Judges and lawyers need training, but you can also put pressure on the AG in your state to make certain the judges are getting the mandatory training and following the laws.
@jilliansmith71238 жыл бұрын
Is it possible for a narcissistic grandmother to so over-spoil a grandchild that he turns away from his own parents and normal discipline and boundaries and becomes a narcissist? (She spent a lot of time with him, at her own insistence.)
@robertadacosta70926 жыл бұрын
Thats is what they do. They "still" your child from you. Dont let your child around them. My mother tried the same strategy.
@silvercole92916 жыл бұрын
Watch the movie hereditary
@overcomer41966 жыл бұрын
that's what happened to my son .. so regret letting her have him .. having both my kids but my daughter was scapegoat like me .. my son was her favorite golden grandchild and ended up being worse than her to the point he won't work he is literally a homeless by choice and has been since 18 he's now 39. so very sad. just wants money handed to him and gets mad when you point out he should be responsible for himself at the very LEAST .. once again after telling him that he is not talking to me.. the silent treatment .. then the cycle goes around again IF I decide to continue to allow it I may not I don't know
@reesedaniel58356 жыл бұрын
Jillian Smith: OH YES!! This is exactly what my covert narc mother did to my daughter! They will cause "parental alienation" between you and your child if you are the Scapegoat!
@orangeziggy5997 жыл бұрын
If you have social anxiety or AVPD you might already be isolated. My experience is that even counselors won't be able to see that you are with a dangerous partner because they don't know the history of what the partner has done to you.
@deborahetheridge51055 жыл бұрын
He used to tell me I was insecure when I questioned him about his behavior. When all the time he was the one that was insecure.
@xfaroutzx36375 жыл бұрын
I have to clear something up about telling someone they are mentally ill. I’ve dealt with two narcissists and due to the career path I’ve taken plus years of research into psychology once I became aware that the person I was dealing with did appear to show signs of some form of personality disorder, because of the hurt and anger I experienced from the abuse, I did tell them they have some disorder and need to seek professional therapy. That they’re not normal. I was beyond caring anymore and was sick of being mistreated. I’m sorry that doesn’t make me abusive or a narcissist. Sometimes people need to hear the truth. If you’re being abusive, I will have no hesitation to tell you exactly what you’re doing and that I won’t tolerate it. It’s totally different if we’re talking about a normal healthy respectful relationship.
@joanbaczek25758 жыл бұрын
the story changing literally made me crazy.
@CraigMalkin8 жыл бұрын
It really is "crazy-making."
@lizette67667 жыл бұрын
joan baczek I so get that. I was told for years that I was imagining the traumatic events, I honestly thought that I was crazy, I went to loads of psychologists seeking help for the pervasive "false " memories. Just before my father died he admitted that my memories were true, he had just hoped that eventually I would forget, it's pretty hard to forget facing life and death situations from my mother. They make you question your reality, rock the foundations of your being..... anyway I could drone on but you get the picture
@foxiefair1237 жыл бұрын
Dr. Craig Malkin staying in that situation is "crazy". Now that I look back on it I see it. But it's hard to get out when you are in it, and when they are charming you
@gf26647 жыл бұрын
Mine said he didn't recognize his own cheating face on his completely laughable untrue profile online. " It's not me" he said...along with "who is that"? So, a sociopath? Perhaps. In any event, severely mentally ill, twisted events, devalued constantly, never complimented, approve, or be supportive. Never any remorse or admission of wrongs. Accused me of WILD unbelievably absurd things. He demonically taunted, deceived, twisted,, slandered, stalked, bullied, omitted, and gaslighted. I was hoovered repeatedly,moved twice. I am known as highly accomplished, so no one believed me or the abuse I endured. I have extreme guilt and shame at allowing this to happen, dealing with PTSD.
@gf26647 жыл бұрын
And sorry, I do believe they are demonic or under satan's grasp. No " human" would do these things to another unless demonically influenced.
@ShellysSweetFinds5 жыл бұрын
"To apologize means to acknowledge disappointment"...........great nugget I needed to understand!
@suzesinger67626 жыл бұрын
They reallyyyyy ..'just doooont get it' do they ??!?! What I tell them is - 'If you try n lead me ...into a false sense of security. I will lead you...into a true sense ..of YOUR INSECURITY.' You have to try it. ;) xx
@Religious_man5 жыл бұрын
So does it work?? :P
@andoryuu3 Жыл бұрын
7:11 - 8:02: This is the worst. You're already having trouble stabilizing and have no problem admitting it, then this happens. Hearing your take makes me think of it differently. Great way to separate the people who actually care and the ones who just don't. And you're right-- the people who care about me have NEVER said it that way. Thank you for this.
@justingooligan70596 жыл бұрын
i just found this channel. i like the diagnosis and in depth analysis. my father has NPD and my Mother lived with him for 35 years developing a protective mode that is almost similar to NPD. please do take this topic up sometimes. The victim is a strong person before the targeting and develops characteristics of an NPD to protect themselves from other people ( but they are not - but can be perceived as one ( my mother ) ) i am aware of NPD only recently ( 10 years ) since personal experience with my partner that had Bordeline D. I am at age of 46 and only now my life and childhood makes sense. The society is not helping along really.. it is very obsessed with narcissism and it can be a devastating downwards spiral for humanity at large. trying not do be dramatic .. but just speaking my heart.
@hshepard55386 жыл бұрын
Hi Dr. Malkin-- I'm pretty sure that my sister-in-law is a covert narcissist. From the beginning of her relationship with my brother she has been subtly abusing and undermining me and my parents. She pays lip service to the importance we play in her kids' lives, but obviously only tolerates our presence when we are together. I've basically made my peace with realizing that she is probably never going to treat me as a part of her family. However, she seems very loving to both my brother and her kids. She seems like the ideal wife and mom. For example, after she gets mad, the kids will stay away for a few minutes, but then a little while later they feel comfortable coming back to her and saying "can we have tacos for dinner? Can I go play next door?" To me that shows that she doesn't ever stay mad with them for long. She also really seems to appreciate what a great guy my brother is. I figure if my brother and his kids are being cared for and loved, it doesn't really matter how she treats me and my parents. It bothers me that my brother has given her so much ammunition to badmouth us with, and it bothers me that he never apologizes for her behavior, as if he is condoning it. And my parents are heartbroken that they have had so few opportunities to spend quality time with their only grandkids. But again, as long as his day-to-day life is good when we are not around, that would at least be some comfort. Is it. ***** My question is, is it possible for a person to have narcissistic traits towards some people but not to others? Is it possible that she actually is a loving wife and mother? ******
@septemberdawnluketz6 жыл бұрын
Wow, this makes so much sense now. As an empath, when I am involved with narcissists, I get so confused, overwhelmed, and feel so bewildered. The gaslighting and projection is does a toll on me emotionally. Doing what needs to be done to heal those wounds they created by learning healthy boundaries. Tired of being a doormat. Thank you Dr. Malkin.
@LinYouToo7 жыл бұрын
So what about those who can't handle your healthy attachment and healthy vulnerability, i.e. when you go to someone who says they'll be there for you, but they never really are. They make empty promises, say they'll call, come over, etc. but then what do you get? Crickets. Nothing. And this back and forth, approach you then avoid you dynamic goes on. Oh, I did get a card once in awhile but even with that it was to literally say "i know i'm not being there for you...." and then to go on and tell me about the 79 things they're up to. And then, after months of hearing nothing, I'd get a call and now all of a sudden, she needed me. And expected me to drop everything. When I finally woke up to what had been happening, for a long time with a friend, I finally called her on it. Not with blame, but to let her know how I felt. I felt bad. I felt invisible. She said "I'm sorry 'you' misunderstood." "I knew 'you' had other friends 'over there.'" (over there meaning near where I live, which is fairly distant from my friend). And things like that. It was basically my fault for bringing up my feelings and sharing what I needed. After years of being "friends," I had been doing a lot of growth and finally woke up to these unbalanced dynamics, and wow, all of a sudden I'm the problem. What's that about? It almost feels like your "emotional hot potato" at work. "Here, you take my discomfort because I couldn't possibly have disappointed you, or take responsibility, for my action." Nope, not any more. Great stuff. Loved the book. Need to reread it again.
@jilliansmith71237 жыл бұрын
LinYouToo--- your friend sounds a lot like my mother...after 61 years I finally--FINALLY--realized she was never "there for me" but would keep promising and letting me down. AND blaming me for it--She simply never came through, not even with a card when I was sick. NEVER a visit, NEVER help, nothing...always about her, the, as you say, 79 things she had going on and I was supposed to drop my life to assist her. I went No Contact. It's been going on 3 years now and sometimes I still get letters from her--the latest one had my sister's name as a return address--I sent ot ti my sister without opening it--inside, she told me (which was also rather mean) was a stack of literature about people with brain disorders/mental problems. That was all. From "my" narc. I'm not wrong to be in No Contact. One thing about it, though, life is less "intense." I had to and stll sometimes have to get used to the lack of endless crises needing quick fixing! It's sad that I sometimes miss the excitement! And, really, I don't. It's like being an adrenaline junkie. Life is better No Contact. Glad for your post and insights!
@iniubongnkanga93905 жыл бұрын
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
@liaj31627 жыл бұрын
most narcists have a chain of relationships, like they can't find the right person, don't feel sorry for those impatient ppl, also when it looks like he/she trust you their pityfull stories, they want you to feel pity for them, its the only reason when a story leaks through the crack of the shell
@lbcerg77 жыл бұрын
@Lia de Mooij Have you heard Vital Mind Psychology? He is a clinical psychologist also and he talks about the reason that empaths are vulnerable to narcissists, or targets of Narcissists.
@liaj31627 жыл бұрын
thanks, dont need them anymore, waiting lists here are bt 2 months, besides that they have not tric in the box directly available, but the main problem for most ppl is, that they are into the relationship much too fast and too deep, because they used to not wait and see first who that person really is, and then its too late, just put restrictions in the beginning, it gives time to discover the main problems
@jimmcg62095 жыл бұрын
i was a victim tooo--took me long enough to realise what was happening ---so i eventually left her and have had no contact since .
@sh6460 Жыл бұрын
Your video on denial was very eye opening, thank you. I've had to deal with a lot of projection from a family member and ex, it's been horrible.
@nychan89586 жыл бұрын
A real one will never say sorry . If they notice you will not tolerate there demands they will seek a more naiev person to control and manipulate. Don't put up with any negative comments from there mouths .
@sunshines45556 жыл бұрын
Or they will say it in a way that's not even believable in front of others and even maybe cry... I know a couple that can cry on cue
@Bargains20xx6 жыл бұрын
If they can't control you they leave you, simple as that
@DulceN5 жыл бұрын
Wrong. They will say 'sorry' because they know it's the right thing to say in certain situations, it's a learnt behaviour. The problem is, they don't mean it and will keep repeating the behaviour that prompted the apology. 'I am sorry' has no meaning for narcs.
@natm.74424 жыл бұрын
I've learned fast that confirmation while dealing with setting boundries is so important. Having a trusted person confirm that you aren't crazy. Taking advantage of online groups is a great idea. Sometimes ppl dealing with this get lost and forget that they are aloud to seek help . At least I have.
@ozzyoz52107 жыл бұрын
My husband didn't have to tell me I'm crazy..he hid my things, and then set back and enjoy the show..I eventually told my Dr I thought I was developing dementia..he had me right where he wanted me..till I caught him putting back my things he took..I don't know how to trust him now..he only changes to the point to return back to doing the abuse cycle again
@kellykathleen21206 жыл бұрын
Yeah ive had that happen and he would even help u look for it sometimes. He was also like an oversized 6 foot toddler that thought he knew everything and could do everything but it always went in a negative direction. He would cost us money or break something, cause problems constantly and then act like poor me or blame it on anyone or anything. Exhausting!
@lindajones48636 жыл бұрын
Gaslighting. It's a tool they ALL use. They keep you disoriented so you focus on thinking what is wrong with You and not Them.
@cindihunter3826 жыл бұрын
Sirley Ray get the he'll out! I too have experienced This! Find a way to leave otherwise your health, and we'll being are at stake.
@nonyabeezwax86936 жыл бұрын
Sirley Ray leave him run fast dont look back
@alexandraschuster97005 жыл бұрын
That is as terrifying as a horror movie that won't end. How can you stay with such a monster?? He doesn't need to hurt you physically, when he has already murdered your soul, your core, your sanity. He sounds like a serial killer that's how bad I see what he is doing to you. You must believe in yourself for once, and walk away
@amandamoe5235 жыл бұрын
What you said at 7:29.....it has changed my life! I just left my verbally abusive husband after 13 years....he constantly belittled me n made fun of me in front of our kids....thank you for saying this!!! And I think I do have emotional pts-D from what I've been through❤
@oscarwilliamson61632 жыл бұрын
Amanda Moe,You don't need a narcissist in your life....
@Trishpage3127 жыл бұрын
I feel like I could be a narcissistic abuser. I am afraid of that. That is also a good reason to stay alone. It's that a good thing?
@Harloween747 жыл бұрын
Trish Page i think we all have tendencies, but true narcs dont recognize the behavior as bad. If you are worried, talk to a professional, no one should feel beinf isolated is the only answer
@denihewetson6 жыл бұрын
Covert Narc can recognize their behaviour with education and knowledge Kristie McCann and Trish Page
@auramyna30996 жыл бұрын
I think in a pathological narcissist, the key features of denial and self delusion aren't able to be overcome. Their mind can't escape from creating a method to flip it and fight against taking responsibility. Even the decision to protect others from your automatic ways of responding shows empathy for others' needs. Narcissists live in the moment, so wouldn't make a forever alone decision based on how they think it would affect them if they affect others negatively (impulse control would win in the end). I think it's more likely that shame and self blame are driving your decision, therefore quarantining yourself off from people feeds into that self punishment. From what I gather, having hope and the belief that it's our own actions that dictate what changes or not, is counter to pathological narcissism. Imho, healing involves self responsibility, self awareness and (to counter over-intellectualisation 😄) connecting in the present moment to our experience, feelings and identity. As opposed to focusing on the fake selves of ourselves and others. My point is I think it's sane to heal first, but to frame it in a less self denigrating way, as that leads into despair and self sabotage.
@chanuppuluri87266 жыл бұрын
Is this is true or a generalization? At any rate I'm going to get some diagnostics done when the testing center opens, get some answers once and for all. I've heard over and over that this isn't something that ever gets cured or treated, only skillfully faked. It would be best to know, and take a handle on my life, reduce the suffering of others.
@donnawalker80266 жыл бұрын
I feel this way too unfortunately. My ex - who i now get along well with - called me narcissistic 😣 was I gaslighted?
@colbysmom565 жыл бұрын
From my vantage point today, I can see that my partner started my discard about 3 years ago. The last 3 years have been chaos. She suggested that I go to a doctor for a referral to a therapist- I was unhinged, in her opinion. He didn't think there was anything wrong with me-the advantage of having a family doctor who has treated me for years! I have always been and have been known by my friends and family as a resilient person. Some of the things she put me through...The thing I am having trouble with is the deliberateness of her actions. The plotting. Sometimes I could see the conflict she was having in her head. Like Darth Vader in Star Wars. Just recently I found out what and who I was dealing with. Funny how things show up when you need them. Dr. Carter and Dr. Malkin popped into my KZbin feeds. Thank you, thank you to you both!
@brettneuberger64667 жыл бұрын
Now I'm really confused. I've been working for some time now on what me and my therapist consider to be a codependent need for validation from my wife and other close family members around my misguided efforts to prove my worth and value through externals like education, money, and work. Considering my wife of 23 yrs has been unwilling or incapable of validating these accomplishments no matter how hard I pleaded my case, I assumed we fit the classic codependent/covert narcissist relationship. While Ive done a ton of therapy to reclaim my personal power and work on my issues of self worth, I still get triggered at times for what seems to be a complete lack of empathy and accountability from her and her manipulative behavior. The gas lighting, blame shifting and her projections have made me feel like I'm going nuts at times and I've lashed out by calling her crazy for thinking it's okay to play with someone's mind this way. I understand you're unable to speak directly to my situation, but could you help clarify your comment about defining someone as a narcissist if they accuse another as being the crazy one. I know it's not right to say this to anyone and Ive had momentary lapses of progress by allowing her judgements to get to me and making these types of accusations to her, but I also have to admit, her behavior is more than a little crazy-making and I've allowed it to take its toll on me. Thoughts?
@anniemac75458 жыл бұрын
I remember saying to my almost x covert narc of 7 years - please don't put me on a pedestal - I have a long way to fall, wow, that was an understatement.
@dottilinderman70337 жыл бұрын
The most interesting thing that I notice in all these comments is the phrase "i was left as an empty shell of a person" That is the most accurate description. What do you do with your empty self?
@mtlicq6 жыл бұрын
JESUS is THE answer.
@Bargains20xx6 жыл бұрын
fill up what empty with something better
@johnking85235 жыл бұрын
im hated, unloved, need heart surgery, out of important meds, broke, she blew car up, powers off on 1st, evicted 3rd, my 3rd home i got her in 4 yrs, and she dont care, robs me, literialy, i used to be someone, nice cloths, had friends my kids loved me, had family, all gone, dont even have food, its all funny to her, and yet today shes still going, none of that other stuff matters i guess
@johnking85235 жыл бұрын
next time i might make the step up to better myself and date a serial killer, or pedofile, if they tried to give me that heart in heart surgery, ill hope for Kevorkian as the surgeon, im all alone, with no one but her, ive thought about suiside in past, theres no one to hear me, shell just take them from me, i feel so alone, uncared for, i hate my life
@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS7 жыл бұрын
Having been in a relationship with a raging narcissist who also used stealth control, I learned that one of the characteristics of narcissism (though I may be over generalising) is self-righteous anger, an inability to take the other person's potential motivations into consideration and simply believing that because one is angry, one is RIGHT. The self righteous (verses righteous) person behaves as if the other is purposefully trying to harm him or her. (I typically do not believe that anyone who professes to love me is purposefully trying to hurt me; I give them the benefit of the doubt.) I also recognised that after apologising for years and years that I was being abused, and so I stopped apologising all the time. I tried to be aware of what in the dynamic belonged to me and what belonged to the other person. What I also recognised, after I'd reached the point that I gave up being responsible for someone else's out of control behavior, is that I could not hear my partners concern any time loud displays of anger entered the picture (this also happened with a future partner who rarely exploded but did explode on occasion into self righteousness). Just because someone is being self righteous doesn't mean that their concerns are entirely invalid, and it's still important to be able to acknowledge disappointment and be able to apologise. However, I simply became defensive--I would point out how they had done similarly rather than validating their upset, and then eventually talking about the process. I know this is something I have to work through. Also, my experience is that people who eventually display self righteous behavior devalue the other. I've had two partners, since the raging ex, who once they saw the clay feet I've always had, began to devalue me--either out loud or in their heads, often displaying passive aggressive behavior. They seemed to be people who acted like they were capable of intimacy until they felt "secure" in the relationship. Meanwhile, as I learned more about them, I valued them more only to later find out I was being devalued. I now wonder if it is ever okay for people to yell at people they love? I don't think so; I've never thought it was okay, and when I was young, I worked not to repeat what was done to me as a child. But have I been twisted as the result of abuse and do I now expect too much from others? How do you know what's normal if you never saw it and TV and Hollywood show people screaming at each other a lot. Am I just being inflexible in believing that it is never okay to yell at a partner? I think I could currently validate someone who was angry and loud, but not yelling, and hopefully, communicate effectively without being defensive.
@mokiely29237 жыл бұрын
Have do they constantly seek out sex Then if they get it This person is dismissed abruptly until the next time they want it. How have they the cheek to continue this cycle over and over.
@WWG1WWGA4 жыл бұрын
Because the "victim" is always a "willing" participant.
@technodance_me5 жыл бұрын
Why isn't this stuff taught in grade schools so we are better prepared to deal with them when we meet them. Seems like we find out about this when it is almost too late and we've suffered abuse.
@wandaroberts34245 жыл бұрын
i agree most defantily ...it's like the people who's studying this issue witch is REALLY TO ME IS A LIFE DEATH SITUAITON, SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT ON THE WORLD NEWS, SOCIAL MEADIA, NEWS PAPERS, WORLD WIDE , so we as parents can talk to our kids about it, cause when there old enough to talk, they can lesson and learn.plus our teenagers will learn to. this is nothing i would want my kids or ANYONE eleses kids to experince. wanda
@mikeriolo77346 жыл бұрын
When it comes to npd in most cases you don't have to be a professional to figure it out.
@Bargains20xx6 жыл бұрын
Even if you dont know about NPD, you very well know that somethings wrong with the other person
@CanadianMang5 жыл бұрын
It's amazing how you can have so much knowledge of these types of people. I work with a narcissist and it is really affecting my life at the moment. So many things you said was like hitting the nail on the head in relation to my co-worker. He is a mastermind at manipulation, gossip, power seeking, sadistic behaviors. I've only been with the company for 2 months but I have already figured out that i'm working with a monster.
@lemostjoyousrenegade5 жыл бұрын
He's likely VERY envious of you! ...your character and your work ethic. Hopefully he'll leave/retire or you'll be moved to a different department or be offered a great position elsewhere. I hate when people try to fuck with my income/livelihood! I've dealt with far too many of those assholes and they have made me want to quit on day one of meeting them. They are utterly insecure, morally bankrupt, very sick, vicious people. Godspeed to you, Erik.
@ernarc237 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for this video, and for explaining the dynamics of "emotional hot potato" (or some form of projection). I found it explains things so clearly, how easily the narcissist will attempt to rid himself of his own feelings (about his own failings or predicament) by trying to rattle another with his own issues. Very interesting.
@Huelogy5 жыл бұрын
I realize I was narcissistic or a narcissist in my last couple relationships. I hope that each day I can strive to be a better man and be a decent person. With God all things are possible!
@CG-bt7oc5 жыл бұрын
Me to narcissist: "what you said/did was very hurtful" Narcissist: "why do you always persecute me? You hate me so much it blinds you" Me: 😳
@IsabelSmith315 жыл бұрын
thank you so much for these videos and podcast; I am going to get your book as soon as I some money. I can't wait to read it. Your information on Narcissism is refreshingly detailed, precise and insightful. I have listened to many life coaches and therapists on the topic and they just don't fully seem to explain my experience of Narcissism in my child's father. You do an amazing job of really pin-pointing this "fluctuating empathy" and their deep-seated fear of being vulnerable. It really explains so much and humanizes people who struggle with narcissism. You really do a great job of putting together all the missing pieces of information out there about Narcissism. Thank you!
@chriswiebers11356 жыл бұрын
I am confused, I think my girl is narcissistic. She blames me for every single thing in her life, twists facts (or leave half out), everybody is bad, She feels everybody is treated better. But I am the one who call her crazy because what she says or thinks is really upsidedown. When I confront her she will never admit apologise or act constructive. I can also not get her to show empathy. I dont know what to do. I never had these problems with anybody in my life before. I feel like I only deny and she only blames. Its always my fault if she is unhappy. No matter what. Any tip[s?
@golightly51216 жыл бұрын
chris wiebers : Run!
@IT5356 жыл бұрын
Get out bro serious her spine is weak and she possibly feeding another camp. Ive been through it.
@domif.b.76576 жыл бұрын
Wow, I'm watching this just now and am glad I've found this channel. Secure attachment, I could write a book about the family I grew up in, where, except my dad, my mother and elder brother would instantly blame me for anything that caused me pain. It hit the top when I was robbed and threatened in a major way: in such a situation you do call your mom even if you're an adult now. The first response was: what did you do? While going through the events with my therapist, a big chunk of time is reserved to get over my family's reaction to my trauma. It's a long hard road to recovery.
@orangeziggy5997 жыл бұрын
I have a question. Why/how did they become so capable and so good at manipulative techniques, deception, etc? Is it that they have had all of their lives to practice?
@overcomer41966 жыл бұрын
they are basically controlled (however that is) by devils and they are the ones that are masters at manipulation .. that's witchcraft .. they get in your head .. make you think things that aren't true or just hurt your feelings to the point some people actually kill themselves because they can't take it anymore or they are so convinced they are worthless. it's so sick! I have no use for narcs .. zero zip and glad they will all be in hell forever!
@MaeSlay6 жыл бұрын
Being a undiagnosed narc myself, I learned from my father how to do it. And even after he left me behind, I studied people and learned over the years how to get exactly what I want.
@jackiewelch49785 жыл бұрын
Because of the lies.
@iniubongnkanga93905 жыл бұрын
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
@micaelam41276 жыл бұрын
I can’t thank you enough for these videos. When I first started noticing I was in a toxic relationship, I started to dig deeper into my own issues and came across the book, Attached (A. Levine & R. Heller). I immediately realized I had an anxious attachment style and he had an avoidant attachment style. However, we recently ended our relationship and I’ve been struggling and obsessing to answer the questions- What is the difference between a love avoidant and narcissist? Is he a covert narcissist? He clearly shows many signs, but there are other things he does that don’t fit the characteristics. Your posts have finally answered my question- IT DOESN’T MATTER! The fact that he emotionally abused you is not okay! This is exactly what I needed to hear during a moment of temptation to break no contact this evening. Thank you again. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
@mariamimi89346 жыл бұрын
I was the crazy one cause I called him out on his abuse. He even acused me of making him depressed.
@carolguo95374 жыл бұрын
7:30 I am grateful that you said that. I was diagnosed with depression as the marriage got progressively worse. And that was used as a reason to not tell me things he was doing behind my back "for my sake".
@queenofthebutterflies52126 жыл бұрын
Best point for me: "Even if you have post traumatic stress disorder from the hell that you've been through, nobody who cares about you should call you mentally ill or crazy, they should be supportive, they should shore up your self esteem.... nobody who cares about you would approach it that way."
@lileelisamc.47225 жыл бұрын
I attempted to speak with two family members after being on the receiving end of yet another rage attack today. (the last one was 3 days ago and they seem to occur 2-3 times per week). I was non-reactive, non dramatic, and simply attempting to leave the house to attend to a "check engine" light that was on in my vehicle. the narc flew into a RAGE , followed me, attempted to block my exit, got in my face and of course I had every foul female slur thrown my way... because I declined his help and said that I wanted to go to a mechanic's shop to have the code read before proceeding. One family member told me that it was my fault and the other said that they did not want to "get in the middle" ...the denial is so thick.
@lyndaleeladyquixote13218 жыл бұрын
I am so thankful that these videos have been made available here on KZbin. When I received the email notice about this series, I was disappointed that I could not be part of the live viewing on Facebook. As the scapegoat daughter of a very malignant narcissist, I ended my FB account years ago when my family of origin discovered FB. I would love to go back on FB some day, but I need to do some more healing first. The damage that a gaslighting, projecting, lying, extremely narcissist parent can do to one's soul and reputation is... horrendous. But I am still here, living happily and peacefully, thanks to the tremendous healing that has come from learning about severe NPD and finding out that I am not the only one to experience these crazy-making things. Thank you, Dr. Malkin, for shedding even more light on this very important subject.
@CraigMalkin8 жыл бұрын
I'm so glad that you found my series of videos helpful! Thank you so much for letting me know. I wish you well with your continued journey of recovery and healing.
@Alexandra-vd3vs6 жыл бұрын
Dear Dr. Malkin, Today, I took your test online and rated high on Echoism and have been looking for more info since then. This note is in response to your statement that a person who cares for you wouldn't address your mental illness directly. The holidays at my house were a nightmare, mostly due to my oldest daughter's antics and machinations. She has shown much Narcissistic tendencies since she was a teenager, she is now 32. In the last year, I have been working to overcome PTSD, depression, five kinds of Rhuematoid Arthritis, lupus, Osteo-arthritis, and a head injury in March that actually put a crack in my skull in addition to the expected concussion. I rarely complain (it took me several days to ask my husband if I should still have a knot on my head after the fall) and never ask anyone for anything, to my husband's frustration. For the first time in seven years, all three of my children were home and we put three things on our agenda and scheduled these things around our oldest daughter's life, exclusively; karaoke for our youngest daughter, building an instrument called the lyre for our son and family pictures for the entire family, the whole family was to attend and get a more intimate knowledge of the other family members through these activities. My husband and I did try to get our oldest daughter to add a bonding event to her taste, but the pouting had begun in earnest. Every event was traumatic for her and purposely spoiled by her. Christmas day held more tears and frustration for our family than anything else... Then the hostile text messages began, pages and pages of them from my oldest daughter. For the first time in twenty years, I gave up on keeping the peace and stood up to her. She has been seeing a therapist for the last couple of years, but, my husband and I have our doubts in regards to her in session honesty, as honesty has been a very large issue for a long time with her. I told her that she has to be honest with her therapist and start addressing her tendencies towards narcissism and psychosis. (Her natural father's family suffers badly from psychosis, to the point that several children have been killed or attempted on, and she seems to be a lot like her paternal family, recently telling me that she often wants to punt her small dog like a football just to see him bleed.) My argument is this; sometimes, if you truly care about another person, you have to lay it on the line and speak honestly with them. You must say that they need to address their very real issues so that they stop hurting everyone around them, and themselves. This is honesty in an effort to help the person, not gaslighting.
@anzoosun7 жыл бұрын
If you dont have someone to depend on maybe cause youre stuck in a narcissistic family scoegoated etc ? Then they have no choice than to search help and get away and depend on themselfes..
@angiekoenigsberg92758 жыл бұрын
OMG Dr. Malkin, I bet that was your Mom from the other side knocking down the thing off of your shelf when you said to put up a firewall so the narcissist can't contact you willy nilly. I love this channel, it's so insightful. Thank you!
@Halo-li8hg6 жыл бұрын
I can't wait for the day I escape my mothers words in my ears. I need to run
@aaronkelly42555 жыл бұрын
Gday Dr. Malkin - I was in a relationship for 5.5 years with a partner who was NPD...during that time everyday was an emotional battle. I had no idea what I was actually dealing with...im generous and forgiving in nature, and I can see now (having ended it nearly 3 years ago) just what a unending struggle it actually was..... Your videos are so informative and enlightening to me and ive also taken much of the last 3 years educating myself and healing from all the hurt, grief, manipulation and loss of self-worth that I was subjected to... its strange when one is in a relationship bubble with a narcissist - its like being in a dark room with no light bulb looking for a dark switch.....I wish id known about narcissistic personality disorder all those years ago....... 5.5 years of struggle - 3 years of recovery and healing and ill be honest I thought when I was in the rship that id never get out and when I did and began to reclaim my SELF I thought for a long time that id never heal..... I am and are. Thankyou so much for your clarity and these videos, BUT additionally id really like to know where I can get a copy of your book 'RETHINKING NARCISSISM' ..... I dearly love to have that among my bookshelf to refer to and learn from... and to help others who are going through similar situations..... Thanks again
@Devik6665 жыл бұрын
People have told me other people are emotional vampires on Facebook then turned out to be that way themselfs as well hard to know who to trust these days 😞
@janethomas785 жыл бұрын
Thank YOU! when my doctor told me I needed a double knee replacement my brother an abuser told me maybe I would not be mentally ill anymore if I got my knees replaced! I finally had real concrete evidence against him. Wait long enough and they will provide it!
@bahaitka7 жыл бұрын
I find it difficult to buy into the theory that narcissists are insecure, i.e. that they are more insecure than you or I. I used to believe they were indeed insecure because the narcissists I've met talked about and desplayed, sometimes theatrically, their alleged insecurities. The more I got to know them though, the more the insecurities magically disappeared and more true, cruel, cold, callous, arrogant faces appeared. Their vulnerability is a facade that they use to gain trust, compassion and favours from people. They surely do have some insecurities. We all do! But this is not why they abuse and manipulate! There might be some exceptions to this, but they are few and far between. They don't dare to 'attack' people who are prettier, wittier, wealthier, or in other ways more powerful than them. If anything, they looove associating with their betters and will probably lick their arses. Why? To gain benefits from such associations. A truly insecure person would avoid associating with people who are prettier, wittier, wealthier, etc, because it would most likely create negative emotions and thoughts about their own self-esteem. No, narcissists only attack those who in one way or another are more vulnerable. If you are their family and are hitting a rock bottom, they are likely to try and get rid of you. Why? Because you shed a negative light on them. You're 'worthless' and a burden. You don't fit their grandiose, hedonistic plans for themselves. They cannot derive any benefits from you. They will abuse you to lose you..with impunity. They do it because it works, as Dr. George Simon said. I absolutely love Dr. Simon's talks. His account of narcissism is by far the most convincing. Please stop explaining away abuse with insecurities, vulnerabilities and other nonsense. It doesn't help anyone, neither the abuser nor the victim. It is not true. If you don't agree, please provide references to research that is convincing and robust enough to prove me and Dr. Simon wrong.
@CraigMalkin7 жыл бұрын
Sylwia Kurpie attachment insecurity --which is what I described--is well established in the research as underlying pathological narcissism. I've reviewed this research in #RethinkingNarcissism and my many free articles and videos. It doesn't excuse abuse.
@IT5356 жыл бұрын
To me a true Narc has a black heart . They are so up in down in emotions and actions they are fighting conflict. You can blame the domino effect and then its passed onto others like a cancer. Mental illness is rife today and i have been amongst the chaos from my ex partner that sunk me mentally problem is i have little tolerance with others i invest time in if its not reciprocated. Everyone wants love and attention but people seems to feed what they fight.
@reesedaniel58356 жыл бұрын
In my experiences they abuse those who they secretly envy (kind hearted, empathic, intelligent, truth loving souls) not necessarily "vulnerable" people, whom they tend to use as pawns in their dirty little game. Basically, anyone who has a mind of their own and can through all the BS and don't agree with the narcopath's fake narrative will get covertly sabotaged by them.
@s13rr4buf35 жыл бұрын
@7:17 ABSOLUTELY KEY POINT. If they call you crazy, they don't care about you. Even if you're crazy.
@oomybeauty7 жыл бұрын
Thanks for your channel! Excellent info.
@beetleything18646 жыл бұрын
Big tells - the say - maybe I’m a narcissist- they over react to something emotional - they have rage episodes - the way they treat others in stores and /or restaurants- if they treat them badly and act entitled. They act special- entitled- they push you away one minute then try call/pull you back. Gaslight you - say something and then deny it later. Triangulte you - tell you what another person- friend- said about you to do wirh the both of you. You feel alone/ enpty with them in intimate/ romantic situations - dinners - holidays etc.
@sarahfountain10647 жыл бұрын
growing up my stepdad called me a psycho b/c he could see how much it got under my skin and turned me into a psycho.
@cokaleaf48767 жыл бұрын
Sarah Fountain exactly👌
@AmaindeJH4 жыл бұрын
When I went to therapy after multiple rounds of relationship abuse via narcissists, I was convinced I might be accidentally a narcissist.... she just laughed and assured me I wouldn’t be there saying that if I were!!! Still... 100 percent of the narcissists I’ve engaged with, have made pity plays by talking smack about how others supposedly treat them, then it doesn’t add up later. Like, they’ll be complete jerks and be cold and say horrible things. But at first, it seems like they need emotional support. I’m wondering about this supposed show of early vulnerability by them..... are their tears even real? I mean, there’s almost always a slip up soon after, but I ALWAYS get sucked in with that sympathy play. I can’t not comfort someone who’s sad.... and then I’m on the road to being hooked. It’s crazy making. Love to hear more about that. Also love to hear more about healthy narcissism.... I feel for the first time in my life, I’m capable of putting myself first sometimes, and also purposefully handing the narcissists back some of the things the deal out, mostly just dropping truth bombs on them and they hate truth bombs. But wondering about this healthy narcissism?
@suzesinger67626 жыл бұрын
They always need to … 'hook their fingers - into your stuff.' ;)
@iniubongnkanga93905 жыл бұрын
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
@AudrinaMystique5 жыл бұрын
Gaslighting isn't always being told that you're the crazy one, though. I recently told my mother that my sister was involved in a traumatic memory that recently resurfaced, and she (my mother) first said that it had to be someone else, and later told me that my sister really cares about me and I should really be thinking about what my sister is feeling being shut out. I didn't realize that this was gaslighting until my best friend (who is a social worker) told me it was. All of the literature I've gone over (while trying to unravel where my relationship with my sister really is right now) gives the most obvious and extreme examples of the concepts they talk about. I haven't been able to find any more subtle examples. And now I kind of wonder if mom's right, and I really am just blowing things out of proportion.
@AmaindeJH6 жыл бұрын
I have a question! In general, I have no qualms about apologising and owning up to my shortcomings and failures, BUT when engaged with a narcissistic person, I have found this often snowballs into me taking the blame for everything OR them forcing me to take the blame for everything. Therefore, at this point, I am less likely to apologize to a narcissistic person or to even act apologetic around someone who shows red flags. This is a recent change that I have made deliberately, trying to protect myself from narcissistic abuse. I am definitely a repeat target. My question is..... as an empathetic person, I start to feel guilty for my “non-acquiescent” way of dealing with narcissistic person. Basically, once I know they’re narcs, I am loathe to apologize or admit a mistake, knowing they will use it against me, and use it as leverage to gaslight and heap more blame on me. I like being authentic. I feel when I am around narcs or narcissistic people, I basically act a little like them to put them off my “scent.” It makes me feel icky. How far is too far? When do I actually risk becoming what I don’t want to be?
@beanames96905 жыл бұрын
AmaindeJD maybe try asking why you keep ending up around so many narcissists?
@xfaroutzx36375 жыл бұрын
In life you can’t always be who you genuinely are because the other person doesn’t conduct themselves in a manner that allows you to do so. I believe people come into our lives as a reflection of parts of ourselves that we need to confront. This may be an area that you need to start learning to be ok with. Not always being nice is OK when it means protecting your boundaries and setting up clear rules of what you will and won’t tolerate. It by no means indicates you are turning into them.
@clarechatelharkness87625 жыл бұрын
Perfect description & analysis of my late father, my only & older brother, my first great love (relationship lasted six years & could easily have gone on forever), my first husband, AND my second ex-husband (of 30 years!). It has taken me my entire 74 years of life to understand what happened to them and to me. I think psychoanalysis should be mandatory from the first day of nursery school throughout one’s entire academic education. Sophie
@TheAlbinoNugget8 жыл бұрын
My thing is, sometimes the stuff you talk about coincides with other things. Like I was sexually abused when I was younger (PTSD), so that makes it hard for me to trust and be vulnerable (Narcissism according to you). It's made me extremely independent because of trust issues. I also had a narcissistic mother and because of that my relationships with her was toxic. She was neglectful and emotionally detached etc as well as her being narcissistic as I stated above. But when you talk about stuff here, it comes across almost in a contradictory way simply because other things also play a role. Does that make any sense? Like someone who has cyclothymia. It can start out as that but can progress into Bipolar. Bipolar can progress into schizo effective disorder and that can turn into schizophrenia. It's partly why Bipolar and schizophrenia are so hard to diagnose because they almost mimic each other. Doesn't mean that person will have all the above it just means there's a possibility. So sometimes when you refer to things that narcissistic people do, does that mean that they are in fact narcissistic with other issues, or, do those issues mimic narcissism? Am I making any sense at all lol? I feel like what I'm trying to say isn't coming across correctly.
@Chasing708 жыл бұрын
Layla Kalina my parents, sons are narcs. Extreme abusers. I am 52 & Just ran from these "born again Christians". These people will torture you. It is a permanent disorder.
@DulceN5 жыл бұрын
Layla, you make perfect sense. If you read all the comments, you'll see others that disagree with the Dr. on this precise point. There are those of us who have become fiercely independent and self-reliant after years or a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, although we can be very sociable and make/have good friends.That is the defensive mechanism we have adopted to prevent further damage/abuse, and it doesn't turn us into narcissist. We don't harm anyone by putting up barriers around us; in any case, we harm ourselves as we stop seeking deep emotional connections (partners) that could end up being fulfilling and enriching. This is my case, I prefer ending my life alone rather than risk further damage/abuse by another narc.
@ruthstedtfeld42158 жыл бұрын
7:26 Thank you so so much for this great comment! I thought I didn't hear properly as I was called schizophrenic, mentally ill, sick and unintelligent by this man, and that just after I opened up about some struggles in my past. I just couldn't believe that someone can say such things to another human being and I even began questioning my own sanity. Thank you for reaffirming that such things cannot be said by someone who honestly cares. However he said he was sorry later for saying this ("I shouldn't have said this, I hadn't the right to say it, I don't want to come into situations where I say that"). Does this exclude the attribute narcissist? But, I guess, it doesn't really matter whether he's a narcissist or not: he said such things and using those words is abusive.
@avesraggiana8 жыл бұрын
GASLIGHTING. A term I learned only two years ago. When I used the term with my friends and family, nobody knew what I was talking about. Now, thanks to the current election season, it's entered the pop lexicon, and everybody is talking about it and using it in everyday conversation.
@k.manjericao15837 жыл бұрын
Aves Raggiana then..?
@jessicabentley34945 жыл бұрын
WOW your comment on apology really hit the nail on the head! Thank you! Glad to hear that!
@Traceyi10008 жыл бұрын
I have found your video series extremely helpful. Your delivery is so supportive and informative. Thank you!
@CraigMalkin7 жыл бұрын
I'm so glad you find them helpful!!
@alikitcat8 жыл бұрын
This is an excellent video on simply explaining why narcissist do what they do. I have often found with my ex relationships with narcs is that they do often talk about how their exes are "crazy" they use this and other put downs a lot at the beginning of the relationship and this is actually a form of triangulation and gas lighting at the very beginning. It is a very cunning form of manipulation because they do it in order for you to feel sorry for them and it can often be a part of a poor me story. Also they love to slag off their exes as being "crazy" etc as way to put you in your place to actually tell you as the supply to not dare be crazy like the ex. This is a manipulation tactic to say to you in a back handed compliment (you are not "crazy" like my ex you are so chilled etc..) don't you dare call me up on my shit! Like my ex. They are testing you to see if you can be put in your place as the perfect supply for them and at the same time doing all this unrealistic love bombing to the max! Also in devalue when they start putting you down it is in fact projection and protection, they are in fact protecting themselves from being hurt like the past so in order for them to control this fear they project how they truly feel on others. They are addicted to living in the idealisation stage and therefore repeat this toxic behaviour. Also in devalue they will use triangulation by putting an ex or a so called friend (flying monkey) on a pedestal to put you down by comparing you to them by putting you in a negative light and the ex or friend (other or new supply) in a positive light. They will flip it around and they go from one extreme to the other and go into a flip flop mode or a yo yo mode. Again this is emotional abuse because they are playing emotional games to be in control! To gain SUPPLY!
@jensbasement38626 жыл бұрын
Very well said! Yes it makes me sick when they complain and have pity parties about their ex when you are with them. It is a way of training you to become unlike the ex. My ex narc did this, it was like he was training me to hate this person, even though he still talked with her. So stupid.These people complain about people to you and get you emotionally invested in their bullshit, only to confuse you by still communicating with their ex. "playing emotional games to be in control" is exact.
@kellykathleen21206 жыл бұрын
Lol every single one told me that. "My ex was crazy"
@cfrdog5 жыл бұрын
I was totally hooked in w/ this method. She trashed her ex and I felt sorry for her. I got slammed w/ a divorce this past month. No empathy. no remorse, she got a new supply. She charmed me good.
@iniubongnkanga93905 жыл бұрын
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
@tammygibson29325 жыл бұрын
It is dangerous. I became ill, he became abusive mentally, physically, brainwashed the kids against me(parental alienation). I've starved before sick, missed 3 meals a day at one point in time. These people are not good especially for the unhealthy. They cut finances etc. which can affect your well being. This is against the law. Sometimes you're put in positions that are hard to get out especially when you've been Ill and have depended upon these folks. Now I'm trying to gain my power back.
@nancybartley46107 жыл бұрын
Doesn't everyone have some narcissistic qualities at sometime?
@lorettanericcio-bohlman5675 жыл бұрын
Yes it is a spectrum
@spruceguitar5 жыл бұрын
Nancy Bartley Narcissistic qualities? They are not qualities, they are traits. Narcissism is a personality disorder, so it is Pathological. Not everyone has them. Study narcissism a bit so you can identify it early when you encounter it