3 Trauma-Driven Behaviors That PUSH Friends Away

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People whose childhood emotional needs were neglected are often drawn into "limerant" relationships -- an infatuation or obsession with someone unavailable, uninterested, or unknown to you. This consuming kind of love (that gives nothing back) can devastate your happiness and leave you chronically isolated. In this video I answer a letter from a woman who has loved a man she barely knows for years. Find out how to spot the signs of limerence, and what you can do to heal.
***
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[@Lisa-cp5xl]

This is one of my favorite videos, Anna! I've been watching for a few years. Thank you for reposting this one. It is so packed with wisdom, aha moments, and so much resonance. It was so interesting to see it again after some time passed with the extremely challenging healing work I have been doing - I gained even more insight this time with the many nuances you include which now register with me on a deeper level. It is such an honor to be on this healing path alongside you and the amazing community you have created!!.Thanksgiving indeed! This video alone is a feast of golden nuggets of CCF experiential wisdom and cleareyed self awareness.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sticking with the Channel, you are appreciated :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Lisa-cp5xl]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank youCara- you make such a big difference in your work here

[@trejea1754]

When none of the people I reach out to will reciprocate, it’s time to stop trying😢

[@coryvincun5424]

I here you. I have the same struggle. Don't lie to yourself and forced something that's not true. It will only make things worse. Your aware of the cycle l, now be conscious! Things will get better.

[@cheegum6296]

That measuring out how much I give out has been super super difficult. After alienating a million and half people finally started to learn to watch the dosage of information shared. Everybody is carrying fifteen monkeys on their backs each. Cosmopolitan life is difficult on everybody.

[@joebarcelona]

If we don't speak out, it gets worse, and ends in mass death? Sorry, to push everyone away. I had friends like that, but they are hard to find, really.

[@MConnoway]

🤗🤗

[@suekittysue8229]

2:25 - First Behavior: Our loneliness gets "leaky." 5:30 - Second Behavior: We get overly "other-focused." 8:03 - Third Behavior: We're not clear when "it's just you."

[@teganflyman5352]

I have no friends. I’ve always had difficulty. I’m nearly 40. I can’t believe how much bad luck I’ve had in addition to my own patterns of self neglect. I don’t know if I can cope with looking at the reality of my situation. I’m really afraid my life, and any chance of real happiness is over. It’s a tragedy this happens to so many of us. I feel trapped in my aloneness. This solitude feels like a better alternative than what feels like my only option - crap fitting to people who might be open to knowing me.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Small steps- this is a good starting point: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy

[@taghinad]

Well my friend you have one person right here reading you and thinking about you and your struggle. Shit isn’t easy for so many.

[@astroemerald3175]

Avoid dumping on freinds . Very first number 1 point .

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Right?!?! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Liz-sc5dg]

I've got "sunny day" friends. They disappear or don't want to hear about it when I'm having a difficult day.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Baby steps towards real friendship :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@designchik]

I used to have tons of friends; I even had a couple of deep friendships - or I thought they were deep. But the only way I could maintain them was to be a chameleon, to be whatever they wanted me to be. When I finally had a breakdown, I couldn’t do it anymore. I was exhausted from trying to be someone I’m not. Haven’t had a friend since then, and it’s been years.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

CPTSD can really isolate us, glad you are here. -Cara@TeamFairy

[@sarahcinnamonthriving9563]

Going through this, too... As I lost everything to serious illness, I lost almost everyone too... And was shocked because I had given to much to many, and thought I would matter if I needed reciprocity. It has been a HARD thing to now better see how I had been conditioned to not value MY well-being in equitable sustainable BALANCES with OTHERS I cared about... To face MY part in not teaching others to treat me in Healthy Boundaried ways, by over-giving, but too afraid to accept much giving because I did not want to be a burden... I now see and recall times ppl TRIED to assert for better... And I likely came across as too strong-willed, or egotistically independent... The truth was I was AFRAID to risk being a bother or inconvenience, AND over-doing the giving/ helping/ caring OUT-of-Balance, because I did NOT know HOW to secure that human desire to BELONG with at least 1 or 2 others... I went all out, with all I could, hoping to increase my odds of rolling the right dice combo to hit a jackpot of having familial-type trustworthy caring connections. Burned and burnt out, again and again. Illness came, and as I went into homelessness, even those who had lived off me for years, and who I'd given thousands too bailed. I had cast my pearls before a LOT of swine, but ALSO not known to heal feeling unsafe about valuing MY own well-being equitable to others.

[@GodiscomingBhappy]

@@sarahcinnamonthriving9563 I loved the way you explained your situation... i felt you described a very similar situation to mine (I am not sick or homeless though, sorry about your difficulties) your writing has such an insight as to why we do what we do... i didn´t know (at least not consciously) that being strong willed and independent might hide fear of being a burden.... that touched deep.... Only from a place of understanding and self-compassion may we learn to do better, be better (for ourselves) I hope you find the peace, love and care we all deserve.

[@will89687]

I only have two friends - an old boss and a childhood friend, both of whom I've known for over 40 years. Everyone else either graduated, moved, got married or otherwise drifted away. Even with the friendships I have left I tend to compartmentalize; for instance, I told my old boss that I was assaulted last summer but not my childhood friend because I knew I'd get a lecture. I see my old boss face-to-face maybe once a year, and my childhood friend I keep in touch with by email; we don't speak on the phone at all, and we haven't met face-to-face in over a decade. For the most part I consider a good day to be one where the phone doesn't ring, and I can be safe in my isolation. Over a period of decades, I became habituated to being alone. That relative peace got blown out of the water when I became seriously limerent over an artist I'd known of for nearly 30 years. At first, we got on like a house on fire but then the CPTSD-induced weirdness crept in, and she began distancing herself. While I was recuperating from my assault my limerence peaked and I said something unforgivable and that was the end of it. I was completely devastated. Still am. Haven't opened up about that situation with either of my remaining friends. I'm completely lost and broken. I wish I could just return to the stability I had before limerence, but she so utterly exposed the lies I'd been telling myself about isolation that I know I'll never really find peace again.

[@goldalevin869]

@@sarahcinnamonthriving9563 i am so sorry this happened to you. I had a "friend" like that a while back, but once I got sick of how much she talked about herself like I was her therapist and unfriended her on Facebook, she bailed. I learned about looking for red flags and reciprocation right then and there. Wishing you love, luck, a good red flag detector, and healing.

[@blackthornsloe8049]

I'm SUCH a crapfitter . People have crapped all over me and I have asked them which ply of toilet paper they prefer .

[@Cee544]

😪😪

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Awww...time for change, you can do it! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@siennaprice1351]

I think the one thing that I struggle with most, is not allowing myself to be my true self in front of other people. It’s definitely a self limiting belief. The need to having to restrict myself from doing certain things, because normal people don’t do those things. Another thing I really struggle with, is only allowing myself to be happy every single day. To never struggle, to never have obstacles. To never cry. And if I do show those emotions, rather than seeking help, validation, support, and stuff like that, I seek criticism and shame. I seek judgment. Is it possible that I can overcome these self limiting beliefs? Absolutely! I have overcame so much! So I feel like I can overcome these things 100%!

[@vickilynn9514]

Yep, and 100% of people I meet show no reciprocity, and I know that I don't display neediness, fawning or other toxic behaviours. Hate to say it, but it's other ppl, not me.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I hope it gets better for you. -Cara@TeamFairy

[@erinm3567]

Anna's first statement made me think of how my boyfriend and I struggle each time to find a birthday card that even comes close to matching the dynamic we each have with our parents. There needs to be a dysfunctional family card section.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Ha!

[@rugrat2505]

Lol

[@Mag-us6iz]

OMG this is so true! It resonates so deeply for me and it's both of my parents. Every time I read a lovey dovey card for either one of them I'm like, "Nope thats not them at all!"

[@kathyingram3061]

~Yes!!!~Mothers Day cards are a huuuge challenge!!!~

[@casperinsight3524]

This is you playing a role - crap fitting, ppl pleasing, fawning, abandoning yourself, song & dance coping mechanism. Being present is positive and authentic, you being present in the moment is true connection. Always appreciate your advice ~ Abundant Blessings 🎆

[@kathyomalley3753]

Really good talk makes sense

[@cygnusrays]

I'm really interested in my few friends, and reconnecting with some distant family members, but I have a fear of reaching out. I pick the phone up, get the persons number up, think about, distract myself, go back to it an hour later... Then postpone it until they call me. So I guess that leaves the other people feeling that I'm not interested in them. I feel rude and arrogant doing this behavior, so feeling guilty is more comfortable for me than risking rejection or being a nuisance or inconvenience. Thank you Anna, love how you allow for these insights to occur when holding these patterns up for inspection.

[@wendi2819]

I do this very same thing! I have anxiety about reaching out. Sometimes even at work, I will need to talk with my supervisor and I literally have to force myself to do, for fear of a scolding. My rational mind knows this is absurd. The super is even-handed and always fair. But how I was gonna be received by either parent could be anything...,yelling, cussing, dismissing, shaming or completely ignored. I still feel all that terror of never knowing, so I'm literally frozen to reach out. Anyone else?

[@cygnusrays]

@@wendi2819 Its hard to explain to people who don't have that programming. Ive tried explaining it and got met a blank look and a "just get over it". I'm glad we've found Anna, if anyone can help, she can.

[@comfortlucia]

“Feeling guilty is more comfortable than risking rejection or being a nuisance or inconvenience” this blew my mind honestly

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

@CygnusRays - this is the thing to do: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy

[@TequilaTurner]

I’m so proud of myself and all the work I’ve done. I can see in my son his ability to decline bad behaviors or non reciprocal relationship even with his parents. I’ve been in therapy since I was 19, became a Steven minister, coached and of course battled traumas. Even with all of this I was so troubled and wasn’t healing. I’m 43& now I’m so grateful of where I am today even in my parenting. It’s been a long time getting to this point in my journey. I’m hoping for a better tomorrow for my son and his future even with our struggles. I appreciate these videos even though I have therapy every week. Hearing things in different hues validates the journey. This is rich. Thank you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@kuibeiguahua]

My sliders are in the wrong places and my knobs have no numbers.

[@Chahlie]

I stayed away from female friends for so long, but the odd time that I have one it's a constant battle to know how to proceed. I guess I have this 'Sex and the City' view that girl friendships should involve shopping and meals out etc, but it just doesn't seem to work. Every weekend I find something fun and invite someone, then when she declines I go anyway. Maybe I should just drop it, like you said. I had one who after she declined several times she panicked and showed up with a gift. Argh. I wish I could rent a friend for a day without being weird :)

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

hahaha...embrace the weird :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@rachaelmacnair7133]

Oh Fawning.... I have a feeling I'm gonna miss it sometimes 😅 does anyone else just dump friendships? Like the connection is good, there's some laughs, and then you just kinda... Peter out?

[@sherryf]

I do. I think it's because we are afraid that we will be hurt or triggered at some point.

[@rachaelmacnair7133]

@@sherryf I used to think it's just cuz pl are exhausting.... which may also be true 🤣🤣

[@tomtbi]

I'm guilty of all these behaviors... But i'm working on it in therapy...

[@77Tadams]

Listening to this makes me exhausted. I get exhausted thinking about friendships in general. I find at 45, I don't really want friends because I don't enjoy hanging out with people for long periods of time. I would rather keep it really shallow. I enjoy being in a crowd with my husband, and just interacting topically with people. I know that sounds terrible, but it seems that people drain me and I don't trust them really. I have been through thick and thin with my husband and I genuinely like to hang out with him. Other people are just annoying. I feel completely out of place with them usually, and they get irritated that I don't want to socialize. I put up with it here and there with my husbands occasional get together with his friends. I can tolerate it for maybe 2 hours and am ready to hit the road. We both just tend to drink too much when around his friends and that makes me wonder if that is all he and his friends did growing up to tolerate each other. I just stick to dealing with people transactionally in business. I give them what they need and they pay me. I am good with those set boundaries with dealing with people. I don't get close to them. I hate even sitting in a hairdresser chair for more than an hour. I tend to go through a hair dresser a year and would rather drive 50 miles to see one because I know I won't run into her at the grocery store. Yep. To look at me you would think I was a complete normie, but I am so reclusive and don't like intimacy with other people at all. I have just one person, and I know that is a lot for him to handle. It use to be that I could barely tolerate him when we were first together. Weird hu?

[@sherryf]

I had the same hairdresser for 18 years and then just decided I didn't want to go there anymore. So now I go to someone that gives me an amazing haircut and does not know me or ask me any questions besides how are you and what kind of cut do you want today.

[@xLiLlyx98]

I kinda see that though and sometimes I feel like I'm headed in that direction as well although only half your age 😅 my boyfriend is the only person I can and want to spend unlimited, unstructured time with and everyone else drains me pretty quickly and makes me want to go home after like 3-4 hours. I still really like and appreciate my friends but I can go weeks without talking to them face to face, and sometimes I feel awful for not putting more effort into that. But it's interesting to me that in the beginning, you couldn't really be around your husband either. What changed, would you say? Why was it the same with him in the beginning? And does he know how you feel or do you think he would feel pressured if he did?

[@taghazoutmoon5031]

You have a husband. You don't need friends

[@jenbodhi1133]

You just described word for word how I feel and operate

[@jeanne1271]

I feel thee exact same way sister

[@mandyporras07]

I get needy…. Then i get hurt and turn mean. Most of the time.

[@jelenajanuszko3857]

I do the same thing.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Sounds about right, but try this: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy

[@MissyQ12345]

I cry when I hear these things.

[@AthenaIsabella]

❤❤❤❤❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you are here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@dontbovver4413]

Every word of this video seems like it was meant for me. I don't know if I have CPTSD because I have a hard time remembering my childhood in the first place.

[@danielaesguapa6055]

The wisdom you've acquired in this lifetime is transcendent! Thank you so much for sharing with us ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are so welcome! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@BloodClotCryin]

I know someone who does all of this and I told her before I ever saw this video that people were going to want to stop talking to her because of it. Her reaction? She apologized profusely, took all the blame, and tried to change the subject. Definitely not a validating friendship at all. She hasn't asked about anything I have going on in months. Only her, her, her.

[@SuperMar10GalaxyBro]

Yes, sometimes the tough stuff spills out but good advice to hold back initially. A good reminder, thank you ☺️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So true! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@teganflyman5352]

“Listening on the porch”. What a fantastic metaphor!

[@Imaniserenaaa]

Can you talk about the comorbidity of CPTSD and BPD please!

[@wendi2819]

I'd like to hear this to. Even on KZbin there are a couple of therapist's channels who are very negative against people with BPD! They show no compassion whatsoever!! So an angry ex spouse or SO just trashes everyone with BPD. Haven't these folks already been wounded enough. God bless you! This channel is wonderful. The Sashbear channel is very compassionate too. Maddie Bruce and Recovery Mum channels are people who have BPD but have recovery success!❤️💗🙏🏼

[@TraceyMrachek]

@wendi...dr kirk honda (psychology in seattle) is also very compassionate when discussing BPD. thanks for the mentioning some others

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

This video is close to your topic: kzbin.info/www/bejne/i52baot3mK6bodU -Cara@TeamFairy

[@starmaze3250]

Crap-fitting and fawning…..omg that’s what’s happening 😮 I didn’t know it had a label. I’ve been doing this my entire life and had no clue.

[@kideternity4342]

My newest therapist(that has been the best choice for me even if we've only know one another for two months. I've had previous therapist. One abandoned me, but not the point right now), she diagnosed me with CPTSD, but I get confused a lot an am open to anyone else who watches, I have alexithymia bc of emotional neglect. I was wondering if this has ever been a topic brought up in any of her videos in he past? I'm so thankful she suggested this channel and her to me.

[@deenasayed2333]

I have child abandonment issues. But I am a loner and it doesn’t bother me. I am also quiet most of the time and a good listener. I don’t agree with your analysis.

[@charlottetaylor4471]

Yeh I think you have to take a balanced approach to these analyses. Yes, if you have C-PTSD, you have to be aware of your dysfunctional.behaviour and coping mechanisms, but also remember that a lot of other people have issues and the onus is not all on you to make sure the social interaction/relationship is going well. It's a two-way street.

[@MrRollerDutch]

This is helping me get through a possible divorce with my CPTSD spouse. It's nice to know I'm not insane, and these behaviours are happening.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You may find this video helpful as well: kzbin.info/www/bejne/o6WWmX2cbth3arc -Calista@TeamFairy

[@MrRollerDutch]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Appreciate it. Certainly not my partner's fault at all.

[@MrRollerDutch]

After learning about the narcissistic abuse cycle....might be their fault after all hahaha. Great resources, and much appreciated again.

[@sarahcinnamonthriving9563]

SO important... I wish I had recognized such DECADES ago... And honestly, this should be priority convos/ learning for anyone assisting abuse/ trauma survivors... While this is not "First Aid" in responding to those JUST coming from such, I believe it should be a priority in a follow-up Plan-of-Care, the same way severe physical injuries get to a point where physio/ Occupational therapies are needed, to strengthen the injured areas, plus empower the healing person to better understand and care for those healing parts in synch with their other parts and chosen pursuits going forward. Such Plans-of-Care including this, would be beneficial to be set up by Child protection workers, therapists, psych ward staff, mental health & addiction professionals, police etc responding to such). A couple yrs ago, when police intervenesd for domestic violence, they made a point of follow-up with domestic officers who encouraged me to finally get support for Women's Domestic Assault... I have been learning SO much from those various programs (individual Tx plus group ones like to learn Healthy Boundaries, and Trauma-Impact/ Neurological Developmental Abuse learning). At first, I resisted... It took a second round before I started getting that help. As I child, I HAD been flagged by child protective services, but NEVER offered counselling or consistent help until I ran away at 16, and sought it... But STILL the things Ann is talking about were NOT covered, so I went through DECADES of more Narcissistic and other abuses, and "door-matting" myself from those old Fawning/ Attach/ Submit Survival Instincts... Desperate for human belonging, and FINALLY in my 50s now, only JUST getting to understand what wasn't working, why, and better SELF-VALUING options (with child abuse, NATURAL valuing oneself is systematically pervasively made UNSAFE, in my case with brutally violent deterrents... I have terrible anxiety issues around such that I am working through).

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I’m so sorry you went through that as a child. It’s so understandable that you landed in a similar situation as an adult. You have a great idea here, about bolstering the follow up support for people who have left DV. You would make an excellent advocate for others. Most of us learn best from people who have been through it, struggled, and then healed their lives and spirits. Helping others is a crucial part of healing (this channel keeps healing me). I encourage you to consider the kind of follow up service as a possible calling- the very thing you can share with the world.

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

I really resonate with the " natural self valuing getting brutally deterred" part. Yes. When I was growing up, I was taught NEVER to say or think anything positive about myself, because that was labeled by my parents as " showing off". The brutal emotional and verbal, and sometimes even physical responses to anything I said that might possibly be perceived as " showing off" , made me scramble in the other direction as fast as I could...i.e., to internally devaluing myself as much as I could; and to verbal self put downs. Those were acceptable to my parents, so that's the " safe space " I retreated to , quite often. Very sick dynamic.

[@lindaharford6988]

Just subscribed. I feel like I need to hear things you say over and over in order for anything to sink in, but I am trying. I'm going to an annual Christmas party with a bunch of people from Zumba class next week and and today's video is very relevant. Usually, I tend to talk to one person and then zone out with their cat or someone else that seems lonely. Love all your videos. Keep up the great work, Anna.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for subbing! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@conniejarrett3997]

This has helped me realize that I'm in an unhealthy living situation with people who open the trashcan of their minds and start dumping it on me the second I walk into a shared space. Whereas before I saw this video I thought maybe I was the problem . . . that I can't handle stress, or people, or that I lack compassion or patience. But that's not the case. I've set boundaries, but I'm going to have to keep them very tight and consider moving out. I've worked very hard to create a peaceful existence and I don't have to make room for overflowing trashcans. Thank you for this clarity.

[@fireeye33]

I don't need friends

[@tiffany2900]

I don't believe that I know what a normal healthy relationship is supposed to look and feel like. I watch these videos but it's not the same. Healing brought me to the path of isolation while trying to figure out who the authentic people in my life are and I've just not figured it out yet. Loneliness feels like a place inside that never goes away, so I avoid people to navigate these symptoms and end up more isolated.

[@sarahcinnamonthriving9563]

Thank you to all other commenters sharing that they have gone through decades of adult life, suffering from poor boundaried connections, and getting burnt or ending up friendless... Or going between extremes... I have only started realizing and healing this in my 50s, after losing nearly everyone and everything. It has been hard to even keep going at times, and I feel SO hurt, but also SO upset with myself, and there is no going back obviously, but IF ONLY I had known so MUCH of this... Seeing that I am not alone in this later life cluing in is very helpful. Thank you all. As I lost everything to serious illnesses, I lost almost everyone too... And was shocked because I had given so much to many my whole life, with so much caring, and thought I would surely matter, in the spirit of reciprocity, if I ever needed... I feel I was VERY naiive... It has been a HARD but KEY thing to now better see how I had been conditioned from my start to not be allowed to safely value MY own well-being in equitable sustainable BALANCES with OTHERS I cared about. It is hard to face that, as an adult, I have to face MY part in not teaching others to treat me in Healthy Boundaried ways: by over-giving TO others, but TOO AFRAID to ACCEPT much giving FROM others because I did not want to be a burden... I was too unsure of how to access healthy human connections to know what would qualify or DISQUALIFY me from getting to "earn belonging" with others, as I was not family, and my own family was brutally unsafe and devaluing of me. I now see and recall times ppl TRIED to assert for better... And I likely came across as too strong-willed, or egotistically independent... The truth was I was AFRAID to risk being a bother or inconvenience, AND over-doing the giving/ helping/ caring OUT-of-Balance, because I did NOT know HOW to secure that human desire to BELONG with at least 1 or 2 others... I went all out, with all I could, hoping to increase my odds of rolling the right dice combo to hit a jackpot of having familial-type trustworthy caring connections. Burned and burnt out, again and again. Illness came, and as I went into homelessness, even those who had lived off of me for years, and who I'd given thousands too bailed. I had cast my pearls before a LOT of swine, but ALSO not known to heal feeling unsafe about valuing MY own well-being equitable to others, to better use my resources to provide for myself long term, not just use all to bandaid and rescue and please others, trying to "positively" validate my own connections with them. Learning now. This video is totally on point. Needed decades ago.

[@CuteBridge]

Thank you for this

[@melaD333]

You are so kind, compassionate and thoughtful with how you present this information. It definitely makes it easier to take in and accept. Thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@patriciavaldez5513]

I am so grateful to have found you!! 🙏 💕

[@seeker_anna1340]

Your hair looks amazing in the introduction video. Great content!

[@RebeccaRamage]

Hi Anna, I’ve commented recently to thank you for your work, but I just want to reiterate how valuable your insight is for this type of healing. You’re able to say it in such an honest and relatable way that I truly “hear.” Reflecting on this holiday season and what I’m thankful for, I’m grateful for you, and your personal strength that enables you to learn and share the enlightenments you’ve gleaned throughout your life experience. Thank you, Anna, for your bravery and wisdom. Your insight stays with me and has improved how I feel about both past and present situations. What I take away from these videos, empowers me to shed the residual patterns caused by fear from past traumas and to listen to that internal self to step towards the life and person I desire to become/accept that is already inside of me. Thank you, Anna. Wishing you happy and peaceful holidays. ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you! What a kind message to wake up to. I'm glad you're here! I hope I meet you on a call or in a course soon.

[@GodiscomingBhappy]

thank you

[@estherpischel7680]

WOW, what a helpful video. Thank you for putting this out there!! How awesome is the concept of the "front porch"?! Thank you for showing us what healthy looks like. ❤

[@Jesus_Is_King_of_Kings7777]

Thank you so much for this. I really really needed to hear this today to help heal myself.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Appreciate you being here! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@cathygarneau]

Best video ever.. Thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@lorraineortega1031]

Wow, thanks for these really pertinent tips. Throughout my life, I have felt socially awkward, and maybe even somewhat emotionally immature - maybe due to fear of being ostracized or ridiculed? But your behavioral observations are providing me with tools that can help me see the broader picture and work towards a more balanced perspective. It's not easy work, especially dealing with my frequently hurt feelings - but we are all students of life. And having improved relationships is certainly worth the effort for me!

[@franceslock1662]

I do have good friends who are precious to me, and I genuinely care about them in a wholistic way. I am reluctant to disclose in the real world outside of KZbin. Reciprocity is what I’ve learned to cultivate. The “crap fit” concept and fauning are relevant for me. You are insightful.

[@TimmyBobinson]

Wonderful woman

[@msdemeanour]

You are amazing. This video is like a jigsaw puzzle & the pieces are all fitting for me. Hugs from Australia 💟

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad! Thanks for watching :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@casperinsight3524]

Listening on the Porch 😎😘 Our judgement can be a bit off, fuzzy clarifying so being present in that moment, look them in the eyes and actively listen to what the other person is saying, actively consider what they have to say is considerate, to empathize their feelings, acknowledge them, their feelings matter. Active listening fosters connection. Hear them out without shutting them down. Denying responsibility at times when we're oblivious to hurting someone or bothered by something we did, it pays to Actively Listen, especially when something really is our fault and we skip over hearing it or caring how they feel. We default to defensiveness or blame shifting, their concerns fall on deaf ears or we tune them out without responding or validate their share. We're so busy reacting or sticking up for ourselves, explaining ourselves that we may ride roughshod over others. We need to show courtesy, make an effort to understand the spirit of what they're saying. Being sensitive to consider others feelings, Wow I didn't realize you felt that way, let me think about that to see if I can improve on that. Its finding middle ground. Let me think about that, You didn't negate or invalidate them. Listening on the porch allows us to respond, making an effort without fawning and you didn't annihilate them. Truth and caring allows friendships to deepen, consideration and respect. Small hinges swing big doors 💙

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for comments and suggestions :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@raquel-bd8pc]

Fairy hair is 🌹 lovely! Happy Thanksgiving to you and fairy staff

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Happy Thanksgiving! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@minhtu5059]

First of all, thank our fairy so much for another meaningful video, as always. Second, I would like to ask anyone who accidentally sees this comment and shares the same position as mine. I am an INFJ and highly sensitive person, and I might have C-PTSD. I'm now stuck in the situation that none of friends answered my messages about my problems that they had told me to tell them. If you're familiar with INFJs, you might know their signature "door slam," and I sincerely don't want to close the door to my friends because I know they truly care and love me and I love them, too. But somehow, I don't really feel it, I feel distant, disconnected, and want to push them away. I know that true friends don't abandon their friends, especially I'm studying oversea. But I'm really tired of standing between the lines: being friends or just acquaintances. I'm trying to learn to maintain the "safe" distance to keep our relationship healthy, but I keep feeling angry and disappointed because I now don't have anyone to share my ups and downs, and even if I text them, they still not reply to me. If you were me, what would you have done? Thank you so much for reading this long comment, I appreciate it!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Hope you get some replies from the community :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@marcusappelberg369]

I think you shouldn't door slam them. :) Just give them time. I'm worried my Infj friend is door slamming me now since comming clean with her about limerence. I do still hope and think we will be friends, she is hopefully taking distance now to focus on studys and to think, and since I asked for no contact.

[@minhtu5059]

@@marcusappelberg369 Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. I have decided to not door slam them and gave myself space and time to calm down. I just reached out to them first a few days ago and we are in good terms now. I hope the same thing happens to you and your friend. I usually cut ties with people who never truly cared about me, but will never let go of people who truly love me, so if your friend is a true friend, they will get back to you. Best wishes for you!

[@marcusappelberg369]

@@minhtu5059 Thank you soo much! I am an INFP so I am super loyal to the people I love. And reading up too much on INFJs I got super afraid of the door slam, and limerence too makes one afraid, so I've been writing and deleting messages, being a bit hot and cold with her for 6 months, so I feel guilty, but I've always reasured her how much I care, so I truly hope she sees that. I also know how much you INFJs hate to reject people, and I've been talking about my feelings too much I fear, saying how I needed to be rejected to get some closure, but that I miss being a true friend to her and such. I hope this hasn't made her feel guilty or pressured? I have Aspergers so it is hard for me to do all of this, to take the correct actions. I sent her a 16 minutes long voice message where I told her what I needed to, truly apologized and such. I also texted that she doesn't need to reply. Bc I firstly told her my feelings, that I feel that she doesn't feel the same, and that it is ok, but that I will reach out to other women, and not text her as much, and that it wouldn't be good for our friendship if I text her a lot bc I'm lonely, then I just did that, out of a panic attack, asking her if it was ok if we go back to normal, that I'm fine just being friends etc. She didn't reply for several days, I sent and deleted some messages, then sent her the voice message, apologizing and explaining limerence and such. So I went back on my own words, and I think that irritated her. She has a lot going on. We will meet for New Year, so I will just be normal then. Hopefully it will be good. I'm just worried though. Infjs hate inconsistency and I've been inconsistent a lot lately. I'm really glad that you're not door slamming your friends! How long of a distance did you take? For how long time?

[@minhtu5059]

@@marcusappelberg369 I usually decided to stay away from a friendship if they did not get back to me at least every two weeks after 3 or 4 years lol. Do you get what I'm saying. I usually feel I've changed enough that people couldn't recognize me if they haven't talked to me for 2 weeks (I find myself changing every day). And I usually miss and find my friends to get updates after 2 weeks multiple times, so I just set 2 week as my "time" boundary lol. And even if they don't get back to me or answer my messages as I expected, I still be friends with them until I find it exhausting to reaching out first. It usually took me 3 years until I was extremely tired of a friendship. So, I guess it's not easy to get door slammed by an INFJ huh? I believe that reading about personalities helps us understand ourselves and other people more, but I don't find it healthy to assume that people having that personality have to behave like it's usually observed from that personality type. So, my suggestion is that you might want to take a step back from the personality types, and just be you. Sometimes I don't even know my behaviors are because of my personality type, I just thought that I'm weird and I do what I like lol. Back to your story, I don't know if personality type affects someone's love language. My least love language is words of affirmation and maybe this is your main love language. If I were your friend, I would have found it stressful to keep receiving messages and calls from you, because we all need personal space and have totally different ways to express our feelings. Since you two will see each other soon, maybe ask her how you could make her feel more comfortable. Besides, we need something stable, so if you want to text, just text, but don't delete it later, don't apologize and explain too much, don't change your mind after something's been done. I believe that what you've been doing makes you feel tired, too. So, would it be easier for all of us if you could take a step back and observe the "big picture" of your relationship? What is the healthy way to maintain your connection? How to make you two feel comfortable and get back to the old days? And there are so many more questions that you could ask yourself before reaching out to her and making things more complicated, right? Please don't think that I'm blaming you, I just hope you can calm down a bit and feel less intense about your situation. About you feeling lonely and needing to text her, I get this. That's part of why I was so mad at my friends that they didn't get back to me as I wanted them to. But I understand that no one has the responsibility to my unstable emotion lol so I just do something else that I enjoy (beside bothering my friends lol). Give myself and my friends space and time until they have time and are comfortable to answer my texts, and for me to feel like I want to socialize again lol. Please keep in mind that I'm not your friend, so I don't really know what she feels and thinks. Everything above is just my opinion, super personally. I hope this super long comment somehow helps you feel better.

[@MrsKre8ivetype]

It didn't hit me until 3 years ago on my 40th birthdaydi I realize that I was lonely. Not one birthday text or lunch invite 😒 I've always been a great friend to others as well as maintained healthy boundaries. Many friendships naturally ended, none ended on bad terms. I realized it's been 10 years since I've had a close friend 😢 Although I'm happily married with children, that uneventful 40th birthday reminded me of just how lonely I am. Not mention I also realize my hubby can't be my ONLY friend. I miss girl chats, dressing up for brunch, the support and encouragement of friendships. The only woman I talk to is my Sis n law so I don't feel completely comfortable sharing a lot of things. I don't have parents, neither does my husband, no elders in our families so I'm finding myself much more lonely as I age. Ok, vent session over😅

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Check out our membership! Lots of friendships blossoming there :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Gemisnotmyname]

i always feel called out

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I get it :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@BiruteNomedaStankuniene]

great vdeo

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you enjoyed it! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@sew161]

It's definitely me.

[@a.k.3110]

Thank you so much i feel gifted with those informations. I open up and yes it goes down the road of difficult and painful situations very easy. I just don't see much joyful topics to talk about and i guess. A conversation close to entirely about good stuff... It seems to feel boring. I guess i am used to too intense conversations. Vulnerability Hangover is well known here.... Yeah something i will allow myself opening up to. Easy conversations about stuff i feel greateful for. It's just... Call my crazy, i know you don't. But it feels so... To breathe deep. Sharing, what i am greateful for. Is so close to my heart. It's me. My trauma is kind of distanced. To talk about something that kicks me partly in Dissoziation seems easier then sharing the gold of my live. I fear to be laughed at. To be called the weird one. To share what little normal things make my soul sing. And to be discouraged when someone talks not understanding. That, what i like get damaged. Loses its effect for me. What's close to my heart had been instrumentalized and broken so often. It scares me to share it. And. How do I respond when others talk about difficultys? It's so common to talk about heavy stuff. I don't like it but i don't know how to navigate in those conversations. I want to learn to say other things like i understand same drama here. I handle it that way. It's what i learned to have conversations at all. I have been banned out of my class society and my family conversation skills are badmouthing over others. I share stuff i have grown from but you are right. It's to intense. How to notice and how to turn around🤔 with ease please. A heavyness creeped in here. Big transition in my life now. So much new to learn and i see the tendency to over do the me learning new skills.... So much to learn. And so little capacity. The capacity. I want to try trauma Therapie but. How is it with professionals? I mean those are human too and i had it when I put the intense stuff in the papers i have to fill out at the beginning, they said that's too much they can't help me... Or i am to old i don't do those big and long processes anymore. They are people too and me too. It hurts to talk about the deep stuff before a relationship is grown strong and stable enough. Is it possible, does this help with those professional relaitionships too?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Lots of fear here, which we understand completely. Here is a great tool: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy

[@a.k.3110]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you, i already do the daily practice. It's a great source of relieve and healing. That's why I started to reconnect to my fear at all. So much is pushed down in the unconscious.

[@louniece1650]

I identify with all of these behaviors. I can't do anything right. At least maybe I can change things. Embarrassing. 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

One step at a time :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@semasariyildiz4346]

I just don't meet anyone that is interesting to me.

[@yuk498]

Anna, you look so beautiful and radiant here!

[@jessicaholis]

First view, First like. I love you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yay! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Sara-ez4bb]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@Mdot37]

I need help

[@bingbingfluffbird6736]

💙👍

[@MsCaterific]

❤

[@sew161]

Is talking to much, to loud until you get on a frenzy and yell at others that are undermining you a symptom?