Why Long Distance, Unavailable People Feel Like Your True Love

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

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[@natalie77867]

I needed this. Escape in fantasy has always been my coping mechanism. As I've healed over the last couple of years, I've realised it's actually an avoidant tendency of mine. When it comes up, I need to get present and work out what need I am not meeting in myself. The fantasy just dies then 😂

[@elvan5922]

True❤

[@flash_flood_area]

I am so glad that I always avoided involvement with married, or partnered men like the plague. I've had several men try to get me into such a relationship, and I thank heaven the whole idea of me betraying another woman went against my very core

[@mirabela1344]

You're based

[@amandawilson9555]

You're one of the best counselors I've ever heard. I really like and respect the fact you have both empathy and reason, with a bit of hard love in there, seeking the best for others. And thank you for your reply on my comment on the other video. It's nice to know you listen to and support others who want to better themselves. I do hope you're taking care of yourself as well.

[@savioartwork]

Empathy, reason, own deep life experience, and experience working with so many people and reading hundreds of letters 💚

[@amandawilson9555]

That is very true but still not every counselor has the ability to connect with others with empathy ​@@savioartwork

[@elvan5922]

@@savioartworkthis is real intuition.We need more .We don't need new-age intuition which is very misleading ❤

[@ldmatheson]

I met my husband when we were both in a foreign country. I am convinced there was LESS masking in that situation, the chance to be authentic, away from the old mirrors

[@insanelysane8296]

Yea, he seems great. Who doesn't want a man who rather confides in a coworker, has deep conversations with her and connectes to his coworkers emotionally. And let's not forget complain about his wife. Be real girl, it'll be you next, should you go for this guy. Movies tried to teach us, that something like this story exists. It doesn't. It's just an excuse to validate the cheating of terrible men.

[@victoriousjoy9338]

Why oh why? If a man is married or engaged, just stop before you start!! Why must you torture yourself?? 😮

[@editorjeannie2318]

Yea it’s painful being this way I did it for years I’m finally married (for 17 years) but we didn’t meet until I was 36 years old

[@catherinefry49]

Ooh keep it business & walk away

[@kimp7977]

Agree!! Walk away!!!

[@janet8418]

Well said and good advice. My mother was a narcissist and Dad was a loving father but was controlled a lot by my mom. Most of my life, I felt a void. At times, it was hard to stay in reality to survive. However, living in a fantasy world definitely will hurt you in the long run. I’ve learn to have hobbies that make me happy and very selective to have only good genuine friends.

[@dmix2263]

My first thought is… Anyone can pretend to be exactly what they think you need. Spending physical time in person is the only way to really know some one and it takes a lot of time.

[@dmix2263]

Allow me to add- Physical time in public at many different events or hobbies, creativity, finding mutual things and even new things like photography or bird watching.. and the like. Friends first.. period.

[@lizrussell415]

Anna, you’re the chateaubriand of communication. Because of your depth of insight into complex emotionality (is that a word?), the ability to articulate so clearly and without a hint of judgment detected, while holding us accountable to growth, it’s a life saver. Your convincingly (and I know you’re flawed too) of wanting us to heal is strong.

[@lizrussell415]

*typo (convincingly) Meant: convincing. Does this make me a narcissist? Haha

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you so much for sharing your kind words towards Anna. We're glad you are here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@lizrussell415]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy She makes it easy. :) It's like a vicarious narration of all these things that I've felt and experienced being stated so clearly. And her team is fantastic! Thanks for all you guys do!

[@jenofhearts]

I wrote a book in first grade, See me please my teacher said it was profound. I think of it now that I have no family, no contact. Thank you

[@skbnvacaville]

This is why your tapes and videos are so popular~ you give us hope when most of our backgrounds are just absolutely 100% dumpster fires! I find it so hard to overcome my childhood because it is just so freaking heavy.

[@dubliner1303]

110% Dumpsters

[@tarrahlewis6000]

There's no real connection when being involved with a married man.

[@nunya257]

Not always the case. Broad sweeping statements about relationships are never 100% true.

[@insanelysane8296]

​@@nunya257 ah yes. There are the few married men that are able to form real connections outside of their marriage because they simply don't have a conscience. Go get yourself one of those. They seem fun!

[@madalinamit4694]

​@@nunya257 Nah, that's true. A married man is someone unavailable emotionally to the mistress and the wife. Where there is absence there can't be love

[@vapeking466]

Why would anyone want a married man? That's just silly. 🪿

[@waggawaggaful]

If you really cared about someone you wouldn't want to wreck their current life with their partner and all the stress and destruction that comes with that.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

What has helped me... Is to help others that are worse off than me through volunteering... It might give Judith some fulfillment as she moves on from her former boss... You can learn a lot from others worse off than you..

[@lumpyspacecadet]

I started doing EMDR and it helps so much with my dysregulation! I've been doing the Daily Practice for a couple of years, but it had become ineffective as of late. I think I was not entering REM sleep very well, but as soon as began EMDR, the dreaming at night returned very strongly! Finally, I'm less foggy-headed, and my crushing anxiety is slowly getting better. I'm still doing the Daily Practice because nothing replaces that act of getting my fears onto paper. It's just so powerful, so thank you, Anna, for sharing it with the world. Your compassion is so healing. I know the Daily Practice will work better for me now that I can process my life through REM sleep, again.

[@renecurry9978]

I’m glad EMDR is working so well for you . I heard it is better for PTSD than complex PTSD so I haven’t explored it . However I do remember Anna saying it worked for her as well.. Do you know anything about the EMDR app or are you paying a counselor? I understand EMDR practitioners are very expensive but I’m afraid to try the app without the support.

[@Theveganlaowai]

Do not mess with another woman’s husband girl. How would you feel if you were the wife. The betrayal trauma and pain you’d be helping to cause to her. Be better than those who traumatized you.

[@FreedomAndPeaceChris]

If she is not aware of the pain she is causing herself, do you think she has the awareness to understand the possible pain she might cause to others? Being a "good person" always requires first being good to yourself.

[@ireefree2024]

Also the way you get them is the way you'll loose them... most people forget that

[@60nygal]

I was a shadow child. Ignored pretty much ..very painful you're right .. lonely life but at least I have a pet . Judith my mother's name . I was told I was to willful ...and to sensitive and deep 😢 I would have loved a child like me if i were a parent. I was sensitive and creative ...until i was broken into pieces like a porcelain doll .. Now im old 64 .. I've looked to heal my entire life.. God bless everyone on here ❤❤ Thankyou for this helpful channel for selflessly sharing and caring ❤

[@nunya257]

Me too.

[@janet8418]

@@60nygal I hope you heal, at least where you can understand what happened and move on. I’m a senior now and the pain periodically pops up but I’m in a better place emotionally. My mom would threaten to send me to Reform School if I didn’t obey her immediately. I was only about 12. I was not a bad child. She had issues with her in laws and took it out on me, as I was the first born. The scriptures have helped me a lot. Know, I understand your pain and care. 💕

[@anna-rosephipps3132]

I can relate. I felt invisible. You say 'I was a shadow child'. This chimes with me. I remember saying to myself as an unhappy 12yr old that I feel just like a ragdoll. Tugged this way and that. Not loved

[@jayshrutisingh3648]

Story of my life ❤

[@janet8418]

@@anna-rosephipps3132 ❤️

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

So sad 😞 that some people that have no business being parents wind up being parents...

[@nikkishaye1111]

All 99% of them!

[@craignankervis483]

Thank you Anna, this has been my main issue and is so crippling! I am so lucky though as I have been married to a lovely person for 36 years! However there is always a thirst to find that true "love" It is so strong because of trauma and childhood neglect that my marriage has been threatened on two occasions! The last one after a repressed memory surfaced last year! This Limerence has me thinking 24/7 about this person! It is so strong and pervasive! Just thought I'd share this!

[@Theveganlaowai]

That’s heartbreaking for your partner :( I’m sure you feel guilt and shame for having thoughts like that as well causing you pain too. I hope you work through that soon ♥️

[@skbnvacaville]

“A lovely person“~ what I would give for that! BE HAPPY SO HAPPY with what you have been blessed with! ❤❤❤

[@craignankervis483]

@skbnvacaville So interesting to get comments from people who obviously have not experienced childhood trama!

[@craignankervis483]

@@Theveganlaowai I think your comment is not very well thought out! You obviously don't have any idea of what childhood trauma does to a person! It would be more constructive to not pass judgement at all on how anyone feels!

[@NikkiEdmunds]

I think that we are so very unable to remain on a platonic level with others. I don’t think it’s wrong for a man or woman to have a very Gtrat friend who is there for us, someone we can truly talk to about things we can’t talk to our partner about. The thing that messes it up is when there’s sexual tension/attraction/attachment involved. This lady’s childhood issues really did wreck havoc on her, which is the main reason why she’s in the situation with her boss. We crave love. We jump into relationships without talking time to get to know the other person. Damaging. This lady didn’t feel the fiery passion towards her current husband, which served as a guide in letting her know that she made the right choice to marry him. I can safely say that if some guy has the effect on me where there’s all that fiery passion, it’s best for me to run like hell. It’s never worked out for me. My experience isn’t someone else’s though.

[@SPIRITWILDCHILD28]

Yet another spot on video. Actually having the same kinds of thoughts about finding a new partner who wants to move to Panama where I live. I'm still married to an avoidant narcissist and can't afford to live alone. When I started watching your channel a couple of years ago I felt seen for the first time in my life. This sounds a little like my story but I didn't have the grades to go anywhere in life except to rescue dogs. Might be because my mother let my puppies freeze to death out in the garage on Christmas. I have 14 rescue dogs so I can't afford to live alone. I am deep into your book which along with THE PRACTICE is helping me more than I can say. I am joining your online group on Christmas Eve as a gift to myself, and next year I look forward to your group based on the book. Such appreciation for you and your work.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

Sounds like you have created your own prison. Those dogs don't have to be possessed by you to have a good life. Hoarding animals is not good for them at all. Find others who would love them more individually. Then you're free to make new moves in life. Most of us are uneducated boobs who don't make a lot of money. But that doesn't mean we have no options.

[@MareaRayneOleander]

In my opinion, those who constantly fall for someone outside their "own culture" may be trying to escape it. I'd personally love to assimilate into a culture that i did not grow up with so that i have the ability to leave behind the values and morays that i was raised with.

[@insanelysane8296]

I second that! Mostly because other cultures (not typical western ones) are suuuper nice, caring and loving to spouses. At a time I really was wanting for just that and therefore dated out of my own culture.

[@chaniawillow]

I would advise Judith to seek good female friendships. That helped me alot. I like the advise you gave her on this. Self reflection, esp with our patterns is so empowering.

[@renecurry9978]

Controlling and narcissistic partners who will feel betrayed even if you make a phone call to your mother. Oh my goodness, that’s exactly how my stepmother was! My father could not call his own mother, and he was not to pay any attention to me growing up. So many think highly of her and have no idea how volatile controlling and mean she is behind closed doors.

[@ireefree2024]

Heal your wounds. Nobody, especially not a knight in shining amor will appear and save you. You can only save yourself. And married guys have already been absolute no gos for me. She's too desperate for love that she fells for breadcrumbs. That's not a healthy relationship either. I understand that's difficult to know true love if you haven't experienced it before but that's not the right path also don't neglect your child and repeat the same mistakes.

[@brokeheartwolf3733]

Problem is when they ARE available….Lol.😂😂🤔🤙🏽🌴 Thanks once again for the share.❤

[@lisathomas5719]

TYSM for covering this issue. So relevant to me, and I am sure many. Long time fan of yours.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for being a part of our community here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@carayoung7634]

Just a thought. Could we unknowingly be choosing a married man due to our inherited belief we don't deserve love or we think we not worthy of it so pick emotionally unavailable men. Just run to one's we know can't give us their all.

[@carayoung7634]

I'm looking back at my life. I pick males that only give me sex I got to be honest about it. Can't lie to myself. Most ran off with another woman. Yes even while they knew he was dating me. I didn't know about the other female till later. Some strangers told me what was going on. That hurt like hell. Felt like everyone I knew didn't care about me. I got rid of everyon I knew. I only kept people who were honest to me around. I also pick males that choose to be with others and do 0 with me. I not left my home in 2 yrs. I can go to local garage during the day. If uncle comes and takes me I go get messages. Partner just keeps saying if u want something I bring it in. Stated I want us to go together yet don't happen. He says it's my fault. No this suits him me not being with him ever. At the dancing he stand me at a pillar and go off with his friends I was left standing myself all night. I hated it I was pregnant. Felt like I be better off no on this planet. Ended up taking an overdose after my son was born. For 25yrs on n off we hooked up (relationship) no change me in house him out with mates. I get told his story's of excitement fun humour great people best mates. We have 2 kids 25yr old and an 11yr old. I'm 47 he's 46. I'm a people pleaser always providing. Leaving me feeling used. Get constant criticism (Gordon ramsay style man) which he feels is him lifting me up. It makes me feel horrendously awful especially since sex and that is what I'm only receiving from him I want a partner n father for my kids. From 2pm till around 10 I expect him to be out my home daily. He has always done that since day1 Time hes here if not watching TV doing housework or watching TV he's talking at me about his time out

[@itsnemosoul8398]

I'm the child of a narcissistic parent too and struggle with this. When you said the thing about the parent treating the dog like they treat us my mind was blown because I always thought I was spoiled as a kid and my parent had an issue with treating dogs well because of his upbringing. However, the dogs were fed, taken care of, never kicked out, medical bills were paid for them, they were pet and given treats and then SUDDENLY they were screamed at or kicked or threatened. These sudden unpredictable outbursts really are representative of how I felt treated. I couldn*t complain about the 0,1% of mistreatment when 99,9% was good.

[@monongahelacats]

Maybe this is part of the reason why scammers are so successful with taking money away from ladies. These ladies must have had some trauma from their pasts.

[@shellyh7716]

I feel like I’ve been kicked in the teeth when I heard “hiding and hope someone will come look for me”. I’ve had many times when I’ve seen that I was feeling sorry for myself, been on the pity pot, wondered why I wasn’t “seen”. To have this put so succinctly blows me away. I do hide. All the damn time. I hide from people and what I really want is to be seen, I want others to care enough to reach out to me. It doesn’t happen and I’m left holding the bag of all these unmet needs and trying to meet my own needs somehow isn’t enough. 😢

[@kristensmagicalcreations]

I just bought your book! I can't wait to read it. I've been having a hard time finding your biography. Is there somewhere I can find it? Thank you! Also... your workbooks.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You can learn more about Anna here: crappychildhoodfairy.com/about/ :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@webweib8271]

11:40 Thank youuuu sooo for this ... I dont want to accept it that there should not be chemistry...

[@gifthorse9779]

Ha! I had a Limerence and a “fantasy”impossible relationship with a man in another country. I never met him, but he changed my life for the better like no one before him. It was definitely escape for both of us, but we were close and had arguments and repaired. It was not all perfect. It was definitely good to end it, but I would do it again and it’s not an awful thing. Be a little bit easier on this woman.

[@asan1050]

WOW! Mom gave the dog away? Way too cruel! Thanks Anna!

[@TheLove1Makes]

Thanks for sharing

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@BoostedPastime]

Thank you Ana, you are a blessing!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@waggawaggaful]

I tend to develop crushes on married men when I am bored and lonely. But you are right that it hurts their partner. And so I shouldn't ever flirt even if it's not "serious".

[@MissyQ12345]

I’m here, being ignored by my family who can’t love me.

[@pattyroberts1555]

🤗🥰

[@dougcoleman8972]

Same it's hard pill to swallow. I'm 40 and this realization of toxic dynamic is new found. I hear you. You aren't alone. Sending love

[@janet8418]

Similar here. When possible, make good friends to fill the void. Do your best with family but know when to distant.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

I hear you….the key is healthy relationships of all kinds outside of family of origin

[@TrollBaby14]

Sometimes we’re the first or the only to see the dysfunction so they inevitably gather amongst themselves and push us away, ignore us, but as painful as it is, it’s kept me safe from their physical adult fights in a family who thinks if you call police to stop the abuse you’re a traitor. In these dynamics it’s best to be on our own and find our own safe connections. I know it isn’t the answer that feels good but I have a damaged right index finger that will now be deformed and painful for the rest of my life because in a drug fueled rage as a full adult thanks to the constant enabling of my parents, my brother attacked me and twisted my finger all the way back which ripped the tendon. Why? Because I found my other little brother unconscious on the drive way of our house because the older one punched him because he embarrassed him in front of other ppl. I took my brother inside the house and hid him in my mom’s room because the other psychotic one was looking for him to hit him again. When I wouldn’t let him in the room and locked it from the inside he threw me against the wall with his forearm on my neck while trying to defend myself my step dad holds my hands down drops me on the floor and allows for my drugged brother to jump on me and continue to hit me. I called the police and my parents told them nothing was wrong and I was just “arguing” with my brother. My mom told me if I came out of the room she would throw me out of the house and I were to forget I had a mother. My point is, it’s best to get out and stay out and away before we end up in literal pieces because they will have no fear in their chest to do it again and again and again…not always the same way but they will destroy you or your life. Not until something drastic happens. The devils rejection is our Lords protection.

[@dzioslo]

Anna, may I ask, which books on "avoidant - anxious" relationship are you referring to? I'd love to explore the topic a bit more. I figured that as an "avoidant", the reason for some of the breakups wasn't really that the relationship was that disfunctional itself, though indeed my tendencies made it somewhat harder for my anxiously attached partners, but looking back, they could handle it pretty well and still loved me and wouldn't give up on it. The reason was rather me feeling guilty for not treating them the way they deserved and constantly grinding myself down for it. I wonder that maybe if I wasn't so tough on myself just for having some avoidant tendencies it would have worked better...

[@sophhiarejnick7142]

This is good!

[@jackhasnomaster]

omg! I came to another country after someone because of this! 😰😱 (Narcissistic mother too)

[@pearl7317]

I'm in a similar situation. I'm 23 and he's 28 and got engaged few months ago and he's my supervisor. I'm trying to find another job but I keep getting rejected or ghosted. He's just so kind and open but I'm trying so hard to keep my professional distance. He's just the type of guy I want in my life. Empathetic, kind, sweet and gentle. So opposite of my parents and my ex who were narcissists.

[@pearl7317]

This video was really helpful. I will stop daydreaming about him. I don't know what kind of woman he's with but I don't want to cause her any harm.

[@Muchaspass]

Hi Anna

[@BobNWhitney]

That shit is sad af. I wasn’t let down as a kid, I was let down as an adult. Tell me, wtf is my problem?! 😂

[@fredjones6333]

I have suffered with this my entire life. Recently I was drawn into a limerence problem by a lady. I started a part time merchandising job and almost immediately one of the online order fillers continually flashed this big smile everytime our paths crossed. She seductively gave me a nickname until i realized she actually wanted to know my name. She acted all excited about it and still playfully waves at me clear across the store. Yet when i have approached her twice outside of the store it appears to be a totally different vibe. It almost appears as fright as if i was a threat to her security. Is it possible both of us are suffering limerence over each other?

[@savioartwork]

Waste of emotional energy such contacts generate false energy/ false focus Illusion Better to live real life, physical, with reciprocal, balanced fun, helpful contacts and friends perhaps an online/phone buddy for support, inspiration and sharing (non sexual), eg a gay or female friend who lives further away

[@Channel89988]

one guy said he wants me to live with him and he was very interested and then he just unfriended me. It really hurt me

[@lizrussell415]

Yeah. I feel Like this writer has good insight and knows a married man is off limits without question, but needed a reminder. To the writer: I know all about 2 narcissistic parents, one incredibly judgmental to a point of frigid emotional cruelty, the other always defaulting to that “effing mother of yours” as the excuse for zero accountability for his emotional and financial neglect. Hey everyone. Let’s all Get through the holidays. I’m f we can get past this we’ll all be ok again.

[@pearlosibu]

Any relative of Ian Runkle (of the Bailey)?

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

IMO Judith needs to be with herself for a while to find herself...

[@wisdoom4900]

Grest he is dishonest❤. She will be used no gain thanks

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Maybe some good volunteer work for Judith??

[@amanda112358]

Interesting, but his wife is his business, not hers. He needs to take responsibility for potentially hurting his wife. The other woman often gets blamed for being a "homewrecker" but men need to step up and take responsibility for going outside their marriages, regardless of whether or not it's a physical or an emotional affair.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

The man is not asking for advice. I respond to the letter writer's request for advice.

[@amanda112358]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy of course. I understand and I don't mean to judge. You do give good advice. I may be just a bit sensitive about this because, well, I don't honestly like or trust a lot of men.

[@MareaRayneOleander]

I also feel like that way you speak of ASD and ADHD is more like personality types rather than the disabilities they actually are. You're kind of ignoring the inherent challenges that exist for disabled people.

[@ethanmiller5487]

No. Your childrens whole world is crashing down around them because of things outside their control. They don't understand what is happening. How can they? The two people that, no matter the culture, are expected to be a unified force for you as a person is breaking apart. It doesn't matter how old your children are. The fact that their parents are having problems is a problem for them personally!!!

[@Amy-t5c]

So are you saying she should stay in a marriage with the wrong person who abuses the children? What's your point here?

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

IMO she needs to end this friendship,Leave this career, and find herself even if it means filing for unemployment and or public assistance....

[@gee_emm]

Dear God! This is all so familiar! Oy vey. May the work, be ever in progress…

[@shell1951]

These people have lots of excuses for not behaving...

[@Spiralnebel_GB]

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Dear Fairy, since i came across your channel some days ago i am going through really weird emotions. On the one side those letters make me really emotional but also turn my stomach because i realize for the first time whats going with me over many decades. I lost all hope for a brighter future years ago, retired and started a therapy some month ago. To be honest, realizing that not being conscious about all the behaviors yo point out really well make me think again that things can turn better over again again. ❤️ Thank you for your good work 🫂 To finally be able to connect all those dots for myself is very liberating. I had the false beliebe to know myself very well just to see today that i walked through life some sort of remotely controlled by what happened to me. Thats so confusing but now at least i see a new path to explore in life and this feels great . And it feels good to hear all those stories because they show me that i am not the only one that feels the way

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad you found Anna's channel and her teachings give you hope! Good luck with your healing! Nika@TeamFairy

[@TheGreenContort]

I lived in household where my dad dated another woman behind his girlfriend's back, since i was a kid and for years. I knew i needed to unpack all of that before i got myself into the same trouble but I was not successful. 🥲 Betrayed myself and a woman I didn't know but knew she had the same wounds. She didn't deserve it and i wish i chose camaraderie instead.