Cycle of Narcissism: Black Sheep Become Empaths Who Attract Narcs (and so on...)

Sam Vaknin Richard Grannon Seminar Liverpool March 2019 "How to Manipulate the Narcissist or Psychopath"
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[@jlee3434]

Being an empath in a long line of narcissists, I certainly can relate to waking up and realizing what's going on. Many times during the healing process I've wished I could go back to not knowing what the hell I was in the middle of. However, I do believe that if you are someone who has lived through not only family, but also relationships with narcissistic lizard folk, you are truly someone who is a force to be reckoned with. On the other side of this, once you learn to heal, there is much opportunity. I have learned so much. And while I do not, and will never FULLY understand them. I can now find a measure of enjoyment rebuilding myself and others who are going through similar situations.

[@votegreenparty7127]

JAMIE HULL-JACKSON well said.

[@melissatorrisi1]

JAMIE HULL-JACKSON I relate to every one of your words

[@whitemagiktiger]

Thank you.

[@loveanpeace4eva]

JAMIE HULL-JACKSON absolutely!

[@alexjavovic6262]

Thats why all my friends narcisstic?? -> i am the black sheep, scapegoat, seer.

[@sandragrace4613]

Black sheep become empaths who attract narcs and so on including learning their way out of this pattern. Thank you, Richard!

[@nationalteambuilders]

Fully awake...Healed and surrounded by happy, whole, balanced, "norms" now...loving life!

[@concerned1]

Really?

[@spooninspoon]

I fear becoming a Narcissist because of some drastic events I've had in my life, had a long personal relationship with someone who was "Text Book" narcissist it was off and on towards the end and I had felt relieved but completely empty inside which sent me down a path of depression, anxiety, substance abuse and a disassociation of others I've been ruined by the experience in that I don't function as a "normal person" would. I've talked to people and they say time heals all but I feel like something sacred or personal has been permanently ripped away from me. I don't really have anyone to go to as far as family or friends for guidance,connection or piece of mind an it really has distorted my "self worth"... These videos however seem to help a little, so thanks

[@godschild6391]

Spooninspoon, same here! I'm female though with children & it's so Eerie how alike the situations & that none of us ever have anyone. I mean I'm strong & don't believe I show weakness anymore since learning & am determined to make it somehow & have true love. I don't just throw myself at ppl & in fact have been a loner not actively looking, but I think I have learned is don't think of yourself as messed up or different, or that you can't have normal healthy relationships, but that you can & will & know what to look for now & what not to do. I found God really helped me & I'm waiting & if someone doesn't treat me right I'm out. I do want a family. We all deserve that & we are dependant people no matter what we are taught it's not wrong & is what's creating this narcissistic problem is our society. People are confused & we are the same as animals & need family & affection to thrive. Whoever said independence is so important is wrong and why relationships are struggling.

[@LylaPierson]

I was raised in a completely isolated, nuclear family of five that moved every year. (Military family). Could have used a village.

[@cherrybomb921]

I've never heard my parents say "I'm proud of you, well done" or "good job" I'm lucky to get an unprovoked "I love you". I'm definitely an over achiever. Achievement was expected. A's were expected. Nothing was ever good enough for them. I just took the red pill. It's extremely painful, but worth it. I can grow through this pain. Thanks for the video.

[@jofernie1926]

I think this is a valid point. My parent's had me late in life, my father was nearly 50, Mother 41. They grew up through war years, frugality and hardship. My father, always my rock, my Mother, as I see now, totally narcissistic. Hard to fathom then, only easy to see how - I was the apple of my Father's eye. 12yrs between myself and older brother and 14 between the eldest brother. My parent's were not of that generation to give compliments. I was a high achiever in school and I can't recall being said well done, more that's what they expected. Now, I see they gave me their best, as to what they experienced. My mother showed more attention and praise to strangers than her own children. This messed up love does of course have an adverse affect. Only, since her passing last year, have I started to heal. We aren't given a book on how to be a good parent, we learn it subconsciously from our own upbringing. All I knew was, with my 3 kids, I was always gonna be there, never dismissive, praise them when it was due and try and be the Mother, I never had.

[@Paul-Haugh]

"Psychopathic fuck-face lizards", hahahaha, dude you are awesome. I gotta have a pint with this guy

[@RebelTheRealRebel]

In my 30's I've harnessed this keenly empathic ability which sprung from my "first" abusive relationship. But, in watching this video, it made me self analyze how my personality was quite narcissistic in my 20's. I have never delved this deeply into my upbringing. There were always issues of seeing the domestic abuse between my parents, then seeing that abuse spread to my brother and I. I always felt that was the core of most of my issues. I've only just begun taking personal responsibility for my failures in life, rather than blaming my parents and upbringing. So, yes, my parents were quite indifferent. I never received support or the love that I craved and the only emotions that my entire family ever displayed were anger, hurt, or indifference. I can forgive the way my mother treated me sometimes, because I can put myself in her place and know the stress and anxiety she was constantly in. Her defense against my father was taken out on us as children. Turns out, I was the black sheep. I didn't care and knew what would happen if I talked back, argued, or defied my parents. I did it anyway. It carried on to my teachers in school, my friends, and then into college, boyfriends, and then employers and co-workers. I ALWAYS was always angry and hostile to anyone if I was questioned. Very stand-offish, never intimate or open or vulnerable. I always felt I never needed to justify anything I did. Don't even ask how I felt and behaved if I was ever accused of doing something that I didn't. I became so good at arguing I was often (and still) told I should become a lawyer. It never occurred to me that this stroked my ego, and so by association, being defensive and combative was my form of narcissism. Even if it caused me great anxiety. However, it made me strong, personality wise. It wasn't until i was mentally and emotionally destroyed from my abusive relationship that I started to have more compassion, It's quite eerie how much I feel and take in someone else's emotions to the point of knowing precisely how a situation that hurt them played out when they gave me almost no details. What does it all mean? I don't know. However, I am starting to re-connect with that part of me that believes everything happens for a reason. That recognizing behavior in yourself and others is important to protect yourself but also to forgive them, and yourself for "allowing" it to happen, even though I know many things are beyond our control. It still helps to recognize that part of you that keeps blaming yourself or seeking fault in others.

[@katrinamonaghan78]

I feel you, in my teens and early 20's I was pretty self-centered. I think that is a coping mechanism and used as a way to protect myself. Now, I fear becoming so much like a narcissist that I really have to be gentle with myself and knowing I'll make mistakes and that my intentions are genuine. I seem to question my intentions quite a bit for fear that I am in fact a narcissist. It's such a tight rope.

[@iluminet]

I'm not really sure where you are at in your recovery... but I'm at this point where I'm starting to realize that it's not wrong of me to want to use my skills to defend myself or others. Where I go wrong (and where all of the stress lies) is in my reactivity - it gets to me emotionally, first, second, I was fighting every battle instead of choosing and picking the important ones and not wasting my efforts on the not so important ones. I've redefined my objectives and my attitude now, and things are getting easier and easier as time goes on. I don't really take disagreements as seriously as I used to unless they're over something important to me. If someone gets mad over something minor, I don't argue with them. I iron it over as much as I can without sacrificing myself or my values. If someone trolls me or tries to scam me, I will turn it into a game and troll them back. I use my intelligence more as a form of humor now than as a battering ram... I hope this helps you some. Remember at the other end of the spectrum for us is codependency - taking too much responsibility for others simply because we feel guilty for being more self aware and or intelligent than they are. Namaste! 🙏 Come check out the online gifted adult communities sometime! ❤

[@VirginiaAlexanderonline]

I took the Red pill a while ago..........It was soon painful, but now listening to someone else who understands and speaks about it has less meaning or feelings attached to it. This is brilliant, It may sound crazy but this is actually very uplifting, to know I am not questioning myself any more. Bravo for your work! Bravo.

[@O12345Dan]

Hey, I'm glad you made this video topic, I was just asking myself again today "how in the hell can I stop attracting narcissists?" it's the story of my life, I can't even trust humans anymore. :(

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

If we are attracing a lot of narcs its usually because we have little holes in the psychological boundary that they sniff out like sharks. Plug the holes end the drama. Humans are ok, being abused by narcs will give you a skewed view because you are seeing humanity at its most selfish, short sighted and nasty. It's like an old genetic fault from prehistory. The asshole gene. We will breed them out eventually. But for now, keep your chin up and as terrence mckenna said "seek the others": the nice empathic ones, they are out there.

[@diane9247]

Lauri Rose One benefit of getting tangled up with a narcissist was, for me, developing a little bit of his coldness. Or, as Spartan describes, healthy indifference to his skinned knee. Eventually, I bottomed out, emotionally. It felt like I died and that my next task was to re-build myself into a different kind of person. This led to a sharper sense of my self and zero need to force the narcissist to look at me. He couldn't! It was at that point that I left. Then, it took a while longer to understand that he wasn't to blame, because he was just doing what he does. Nothing I could do about him, but I could fix my tendency to put up with shit. Hard work, but rewarding. Lauri, I hope you grow a bit of toughness with others, yet care more for yourself.

[@EssieB-qw2gf]

SPARTANLIFECOACH I love that- SEEK THE OTHERS!

[@nickmaxwell8143]

+RICHARD GRANNON SPARTANLIFECOACH what are some examples of holes?

[@1116may11]

Exactly me. I fear people will think that about me. Like, "SO, everyone's a narcissist? "... and think I'm paranoid.

[@Natalia-hf3et]

I loved the 'Matrix' analogy! Being awake is essential for spiritual growth but it is also painful which is why many have chosen to take the blue pill.

[@laskartrece]

This casual shrink is very clever and educated! The way you connect mind and world, intelligence and affection is vey dynamic and balanced. Great job! Thanks man this is a great cause.

[@adamwillis6975]

From what I've been reading in books, on your videos etc, I've learned that my family is seriously fecked up on soooo many levels. If it wasn't for the teachings i have been learning for the past 5 years i doubt I'd be who i am today (intellectually) to explain to myself why i was so different to all the others in my whole family. I think since I've read the books & watched these videos every memory of when i was emotionally abused by narcissists, flooded back as far as 5 years old like i was sat looking at slides on a projector at 100mph. Surreal experience to be fair but nice to piece it altogether. And boy oh boy was there a lot of degenerate sick psychological and sometimes physically abusive shit to put together, considering my mother grew up in a home of military, golden boy young brother and she was the blacksheep where she was invisible and sexually molested by her brother (not one of her childhood photographs is she smiling, not one), and my late father who was fully sexually abused by a man down his road which his own father beat him black and blue for when he ran home and told him, who kept it secret. my mothers childhood home was a sick as it got, and my fathers wasn't much better. You want the constructs of a seriously fucked up family based upon entrapment, resentment, psychopathy, hatred, anxiety, addiction, neediness, early accidental pregnancy and rushed into marriage, abandonment, neglect, irresponsibility, no love, physical abuse, adultery, more unwanted children..........the list goes on and it hasn't even begun including any of their 5 children or grandchildren. You want fucked up, that is it!!! LOL

[@Nindrhu]

I do not quite agree with this idea that a black sheep is destined to either be a victim of a Narcissist or a Narcissist themselves. There are two types of black sheep as I see it: the needy black sheep and the loner black sheep. The needy black sheep is the one still desperate for acceptance. These are the types that either attract Narcissists or become them. The loner black sheep has made their peace with being on their own and has managed to attain a state of emotional strength in spite of their solitude. Loner black sheep also tend to keep their guard up against others unlike needy black sheep, who keep lowering their guard out of the desire to be comforted and accepted. This is just my opinion but overall I've found loner black sheep to be more emotionally healthy than the needy black sheep who rush out desperately seeking emotional fulfillment from other people. What needy black sheep have such difficulty realizing is they are just going back again and again for more and more of the same type of abuse in different packages, each time telling themselves "This time it will be different! This time I'll do it right and they will accept me!" What they don't realize is they're wearing their vulnerability on their sleeves and this never leads to anything good. Loner black sheep on the other hand tend to learn the first time they get hurt and not make the same mistake again. I suppose it depends on the person and the unique circumstances of how they ended up a black sheep and what sort of black sheep they have been in different stages of their lives as this role tends to subtly change with each social environment you find yourself in (family, school, work, etc). Again, just my opinion based on observations from my life. I could be wrong, but all I know is I'm a black sheep (minus the outright abuse/neglect factor) and the second a Narcissist tried to enter my life, I ran away as fast as I could the second the opportunity presented itself and have never looked back. Bully for me, at any rate.

[@Nindrhu]

watership down Thanks for the reply! I was only speaking from personal experience, I only have a vague grasp of psychology from taking courses in community college during my brief time in higher education. One place I think society really falls down is this pervasive notion that it is impossible to be alone and be happy. Many needy black sheep keep finding themselves in abusive relationships because they have been convinced that they HAVE to be with someone. In reality, they don't. I have become increasingly isolated over the years, mostly because I kept getting burned when I would reach out to others. Overall, I have to say I will take being alone over being in a bad relationship any day. Happiness is fleeting, but contentment is a rock solid emotion you can build long term plans on. While things could, of course, be better, I am quite content with my life right now. You do not HAVE to be with someone to be satisfied with your life.

[@red-ds5xs]

I love this..you have just explained me..thank you xx

[@KYRA_FX]

Nahh

[@lesliegann2737]

That was very well written thank you. I've had similar thoughts but hadn't put it into words so what you said really struck home. I'm a Loner black sheep. I had a narc mother and ever since then I can't stand anybody who is remotely a blow hard, so that has kept me safe, except for a couple of close calls.

[@buildingbeastynz5896]

Im a loner black sheep but I left my narc mother's home at 17..straight into a relationship with a narc flatmate, so dumb....2 kids and 6yrs later I finally managed to escape, met a nice guy soon after and never let anyone like that anywhere near me again.

[@riaridolfi3658]

I just wanted to thank you. I came upon your page from 3 ppl, 1 being a doctor...it's amazing because NOBODY understands ME in this whole wide world but you seem to and you don't even know me; it's a VERY lonely, scary, isolating world and I just wanted to thank you. I know that I'm late to the party but I brought champagne ,this video was made 5 years ago but thank you because you're so wise & thank you,ty.....

[@susanbacon8016]

Having taken the red pill has been the most traumatic experience and it is so hard to make sense of my life prior to awakening.

[@jeannetteking2591]

I'm an empath, my mom was a narc, my grandma is one, and now all I attract are Narcs

[@CC-br9qg]

me too. i even thought i was a narc when i first woke up. i agonized over it for so long.

[@gregoryjohnson6368]

Wow! Just discovered you. It's 3:58 a.m and I'm listening to you and having 'ah ha' moments one after the other. Thank you so much for taking the time to creat and post these videos. Excellent!!!

[@katelindowiat9453]

Oh my gosh this is me. I'm a black sheep that became an empath and attracted a narcissist as a boyfriend (ex boyfriend now)!!!!!! Holy shit I didn't know this was a thing!!!!

[@catherha1]

Damn I was the scapegoat of my family. Years ago I took the red pill and began the painful journey of awakening. I began to drink. Working on my sobriety and overall health.

[@Nadiarus]

Being a mother of two small kids, golden words! thank you

[@Swingpirate]

I think definitely you're on to something here... The neglectful and the overprotective parent are really two sides of the same coin, given that the dominant motive for both of them is management of their own anxiety and appearance rather than provision of genuine guidance for the child. Because neither of them feel secure in themselves, they will invest their own egos in the child's behavior and thus cannot fully emphasize or allow the child to develop and grow as a separate entity.

[@stjbananas]

Richard, I have been watching your videos for the past month or so. I am an enabler who befriended a narcissist a year ago. We became "close," helping each other through some difficult times. I always felt something was horribly wrong and I found your videos in a desperate attempt to figure out what why my soul felt like a chunk of cheese melting underneath a burner. During the past ten days I have been choked, punched in the face, and have been called more aweful names than I have ever been called in my life. The bruises on my neck, the punches to the face, these are the last straws. The narcissist in my life, my so-called best friend, I have released. It hurts, my demoralized soul is covered with second degree burns, my smiles is gone, my happiness is tattered, my life is burning to the ground, but I know...I will survive this. The hell I have been through can only make me stronger. This is my hope. Thank you for the videos. They help tremendously.

[@50hellkat2]

Narcissistic parents re-write history. They want their children to be part of their script. They brag and exaggerate their children's achievements to elevate themselves. I would say the indifference that Spartanlifecoach is referring to is what I would call intrinsic superficiality that is always present with narcissists. Narcisistic parents indulge their children for their own gain .....do not kid yourself. The big thing in narcissistic parents is the lack of validation they give to their children and the "Gaslighting". Look this term up. It is totally consistent with all narcissistic parents.

[@josephbarclayross6216]

Virginia Satir's four dysfunctional behaviors: blaming, distracting, acquiescing (passively submitting), computing (detaching) versus the one functional behavior: leveling (we have a problem, how can we deal with it?) The ultimate choice: "Ill, Chill, or Dill" (i.e., "deal" -- in other words, dialogue, negotiate, and act constructively -- once again, "let's level"). In other words, the way out of narcissism, in oneself or others, being to be real, genuine, talk-listen-share, and, thus, as you say, Spartan, "engage in compassionate dialogue ... which is a form of externalizing.". By the way, I greatly enjoy your videos and am learning much from them -- thank you!

[@MC-wq4un]

omg, I never hear people talk about the danger of overindulging parenting so well! please make a video dedicated to that! It's desperately needed. I recently read that overindulgence is starting to be considered a type of abuse because of the long-term damage it creates for the child.

[@gingerztube]

I took the red pill at pretty young age.

[@bluebird731]

You are so adorable. I love watching your videos! So quick minded and articulate!! And you keep it real. You rock. I'm divorcing the worst narcissist I've ever even heard of!!! Thief, compulsive liar, sex and porn addict, workaholic fireman, ego maniac, raging temper and cheating slime ball! His parents, especially him mom are the biggest enablers!!! It's just crazy!!! Your videos help give enlightened perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you:)) it's good to know there's others out there who understand this hell!

[@TheNinnyfee]

I totally agree on the self-stroking. Be very careful if you want to do something good and get personally offended if the child, person, or pet declining your offer or even fighting you off. A classic of that are parents who get sad or upset if the child does not want to kiss or hug them. You should definitely check your own motives. Caressing is something you share with the person or pet you are caressing, otherwise it is on the verge of abuse or creating a possible abuse victim. And you may get the "love" you need from another source, you really should not depend on that one source. About the red pill: At first it feels really painful, but it actually feels like relief after you get used to the process a little because you stand in your truth, and you learn from it, and you are moving on. With the blue pill you will always feel some kind of unease, get physically sick, etc.

[@frankgillette]

Waking up is happiness because the suffering that comes from ideas like "I am the body" and "I am the mind" are seen through.

[@fullfrontaltubeity]

I am so glad I found this series.

[@harlcc261]

Right on about the negative or positive Vibes you transfer to your kids...

[@tincey2001]

This is the first video of yours I've seen and I love your down to earth delivery. Pre-parenthood I read a lot of books on parenting as I'd come from an abusive and neglectful childhood and I didn't want the cycle to repeat. An awful lot of the books I read at that time were telling parents to put the child at the centre of the universe (Spock and others). I managed to find balance with my daughter and she has grown into a healthy, independent young woman who knows I'm there when she needs me. She has also found a lovely and loving partner and they lift each other up. I'm an empath, but learned to create some emotional distance in order to give her what she needed. I had to tell her father not to over-protect her when she was toddling and exploring: They can't learn to walk until they've fallen a few times was my take. I've got my own issues to deal with, but I'm proud of my parenting achievement. Now going to look for more of your vids. Fuck the lizards!

[@normalizedinsanity4873]

The effects personality disorders have had on my life has alienated me from my entire family. My mother is a Narc and the sliest I have come across. Both siblings have OCPD. My ex wife has OCPD that eventually caused a split and my son ended up with a very moralistic intolerant form of OCPD, to the point he won't talk to me because I take a small amount of dex for ADHD and he sees that as weak. His intolerance and abusive nature towards his sister has resulted in her having diagnosed BPD. I was still very close with my daughter and one of my OCPD siblings. My mother hates me because I am an empath with strong boundaries and she cannot control me, but she knows how to fuck me up when their is a crisis to exploit. Of course she cannot stand to see me happy, and on Xmas day alienated me from my daughter, even though I called her out on what she was doing my daughter can't see how my mother engineered things because of her BPD, and who then played the victim. My best friend , a female with BPD, who tried so hard to overcome her problem and really tried so hard to be a friend was murdered by a narc predator 3 years ago, who got off because the police screwed up and hadn't followed procedure when I warned of the danger and so engineered a whitewash. When I tried to produce evidence I was framed and jailed for four months and my mother had a field day bad mouthing me and telling solicitors I was mentally unstable...still fighting crooked cops.

[@katearcangeli12]

I LOVE you. How in the hell have I just found your brilliant coaching?! Can't wait to watch them all and in all seriousness thank you for what you do and bringing awareness to this extremely complicated form of psychological abuse.

[@4lex4lex]

I have a narcissistic schizophrenic mother, I was the black sheep and became a borderline child which is now a borderline adult who attracts narcissists

[@ccSkydog]

4lex 4lex me too sadly... least we caught on... i have to go no contact with my mom... she can say anything.. i lost more than i care to recall being her only child go to big strong son to lift shit for her and pay for dinner each time..and fight for her honor in social disruptions after she blatantly caused ...money she owes aside.. ill cut my losses i think and run... lol

[@ccSkydog]

4lex 4lex although moms not diagnosed schizophrenic... but she's certainly addicted to aurguing.. raised me to be a problem... lol. and a doormat people pleaser as well.. and also Thank you so much Richard Grannon for making and posting these.

[@iluminet]

Be careful with the borderline label, given your history. CPTSD, especially the kind that's mixed with codependency, gets misdiagnosed as borderline A LOT. People who have BPD are inherently selfish. Anything "selfless" they do always has the ulterior motive of having their needs met, and they struggle with admitting they can hurt anyone intentionally, struggle with having any remorse when they do hurt someone and want to play the victim, ignorant, or accident prone.

[@JaneDoe-oh8qj]

Yeah, agree waking up is torture. Been awake for a while and still struggling to cope.

[@sakara4562]

That has to be once of the best descriptions of The Matrix movie ever. That aside, through reading and looking at myself and my behaviours (namely 9yrs with a cerebral Narcissist and then 5yrs with a covert Narcissist. I came to realise that my mother is a Narcissist with other disorders and that the mother of the recent ex is also a narcissist. She presents a facade that the family is perfect but has a very short temper and along with her husband have lavished lots of money and gifts on their son (but didnt notice that he had a horrendous 17yr weed habit). When the individual was putting little effort into the relationship, the mother would step in and smooth it over either financially or by stepping in as the caring mother to me, something which I have lacked. In essence I was tag teamed by a mother/Son Narcissist team.

[@mimib6893]

Hi, having been watching these videos and have learned so much. My husband of 22.5 yrs, legally married for 19 was a victim of sexual abuse regularly by a priest when he was sent to him weekly when he was 6. Parents never knew, still never told them. He led a really narcissistic life from early teens on. I am an extreme codependent, we married in our 30's, had 2 girls, had the new house etc...fast forward to now, he is in severe depression, is no longer cares for me but claims he "loves me". I have been his servant for years because he has end stage liver disease from being a junkie and teen prostitute and got hep c. Ive been the breadwinner, I am a nurse by profession (surprise huh? ). In November 2014 i realized the medicine my grandmother put on my vaginal area on occasion was actually sexual abuse, i was 5 or so. My dad was a raging alcoholic who beat the crap out of my sisters when they came home late,etc...i lay and played dead in the next bed. My mom didnt stop it.I told my husband what happened and he ignored me. I said i don't want to re traumatize you, just hug me kiss me, be my friend. Nothing. Prior to telling him i broke all ties with my whole family,angry they never stepped up to save me, at least take me out of the befroom while beating were going on, thinking i only needed him. Now after much coddling and love and slews of hallmark cards professing my love and devotion he has no response other than i am a nasty menopausal woman who needs "serious help", I was and am in therapy. I said i want a divorce after weeks of rejection. Hes only "nice" when he needs a script at the pharmacy or needs something. Im barely functioning, cant work, sleep, cry alot, was suicidal. We are evicted, go to court end of feb. Both our dads were narcissistic and moms, mine was codependent and had narcissistic tendencies. I am scratching the surface, so much more horrid pathogy exists. Id go inpatient but he'll od on his pain meds, he should be in a group or nursing home, he doesn't care about any kind of future. Ive never been or felt so abandoned in my life, the pain is unbearable. I want out, id love to run away from home. My youngest daughter wont attend school, screams at me and gets violent. I have had her at crisis ctr several times. She's looking narcissistic more and more by the day. My therapist doesnt even know where to begin. I cant write all the other issues, one being the 1 st born grandchild hung herself while on suicide watch in a psych hospital in 2011 as result of sexual abuse by her moms (my oldest sister) boyfriend starting at age 4or 5, she died st 38 leaving 6 children. Where do i begin ?

[@melissatorrisi1]

Richard you’re absolutely right..balance is what we should all be striving for as parents. Kindness without indulgence(smothering) is what I aim for

[@katrinamonaghan78]

Oh wow the indulgence with animals and helping others is really helping us really got me. Thank you. Wow that opened flood gates and makes so much sense.

[@catladycats5417]

When I was about 5 years old, I broke both my wrists. My parents suggested I was faking it to get attention and didn't actually take me to the doctor for at least 3 days. This was my childhood on repeat. I once got in the way of a grease fire and grease burnt my foot to a forth degree burn and they didn't take me to the hopsital until Magnum PI was done. Indifference was the definition of my childhood. I don't have any recollection of being comforted or hugged or told nice things. Just indifference and neglect. I didn't have children with my husband because I can't stop believing that men can't REALLY love their children.

[@tamicampisi2451]

I know Richard is "over" this topic, but I still love listening to him..no one tells it like him and I pee myself every time. Because of him..ive moved towards sanity and balance❤

[@harrietthespy2119]

This is so true!! Omg! I think the answer to both extremes is loving others AS WE LOVE OURSELVES!! Attunement is GREAT for everyone. Over and under-parenting is not attuned parenting. I agree that over-parenting is really about the parents' needs. Loving self is also not about over-indulging oneself. Let's love attunedly, shall we?? If we do, we and our loved ones will be healthier and this way of relating will be carried down through generations. Much appreciation for this video and others. BTW, from study and MUCH personal experience, I believe very empathic persons with good boundaries are the narcissist's worst nightmare, but are also the narcissist's best friend, if change is possible and desired by the narcissist. I also believe that letting a narcissist harm you in any way (get away with ANY bad behavior against you) to keep the peace is like feeding a shark your arm to keep it from eating your torso: once they smell the blood, you are dinner. If you can't get out of the ocean, the best you can do is keep yourself unnoticed by them!!

[@loverrlee]

I recently was the first in my family to graduate from a good 4-year university after putting myself through school all on my own. I not once got a "Good job!" from either my mother nor my absentee father (even though I sent him an email about it, there was simply no response to it). Having had a bad experience from my AA graduation ceremony and the way my family didn't support me by leaving early to "beat traffic" even though it was only a town away from where they lived, I was reluctant to even want to participate in my BA graduation ceremony. When I admitted I wasn't going to walk the stage, my mother confirmed my hesitation by saying "I'm glad you aren't going to walk so I won't feel bad about not going." My own mother told me she had already made up her mind that she couldn't possibly bring herself to come to celebrate my accomplishment even though she has no job and no prior commitments. But this is nothing new: both my parents have been very selfish my whole childhood. My mother and father separated when I was 7 and soon after my mom got into a car accident that she has never let any of us forget. She blames her mental and physical condition on this accident. My mother acted more like my immature older sister, because we lived in my grandparents house, and she never set any rules or boundaries (like proper dinner time or bed time, brushing teeth, or doing homework or anything like that) and would only punish me or my sisters when she was emotionally upset. My mother cried on my shoulder when I was as young as 7, treating me like I was her physiologist, since I was the oldest child out of us three girls. To this day she can never say anything without bringing it back to herself, and she is constantly the playing the victim. I logically know I shouldn't expect anything less of my parents than to completely ignore my accomplishments I've worked so hard to achieve (like maintaining straight A's a few quarters in a row, or losing a lot of weight, or being in a long-term committed relationship with my boyfriend/fiance of 6 years)... But emotionally, I can't help feeling as if I am somehow unworthy, because I catch myself asking myself: "If my parents can't be proud of me, how can I be proud of myself?" (As a side note, my parents were also less than thrilled I got engaged and have never once offered to help with any of the wedding planning, let alone pay for anything. Sadly I get it from my fiance's side of the family as well, and we are expected to pay for our entire wedding by ourselves. We have also not had any sort of party thrown for us like anyone from a normal family would come to expect. In fact, the only parties I've ever had where the few I'd thrown for myself.) Anyways, I'm sorry to explain my whole life story, but I wanted to just thank you for explaining how nonchalant parents can produce this "overachiever syndrome" in me. I tend to be too harsh on myself and overly critical, because sometimes people in my life are overly critical or at least not supportive when I actually do something right. Thank you for your channel, and explaining why I have been dealing with these sorts of things my entire life. :(

[@patriciagriffin1505]

Richard you are giving many of us out here hope...I for one stayed asleep until I was 64yo so it's really never to late...

[@EssieB-qw2gf]

Thank you! Also, I too had a over smothering parent and I shared the same reactions as your patient and certainly have the same symptoms and am lacking many helpful coping mechanisms. I was often labelled bratty and unappreciative by family and friends of family however what they didn't see was the overprotectiveness and extreme smothering (as if their own live's-the parent- depended on this act). So I was left feeling bad, inconsiderate (even though I'm very empathic) etc. You've just turned a light on for me as for many years I was being treated for depression, agoraphobia, major anxiety disorders (sometimes even feeling extreme hopelessness and feelings of inability to continue life) and was suffering greatly from being a target for narcissists and it's only taken me until now- whilst searching anxiously to find answers for overcoming the worst narcissist of my life so far to figure out the root of it all! Queue angels singing 'hallelujah'! I'm so excited to have had this red pill shoved down my throat and am ready to start rebuilding!

[@MeredithMynroseUniversalHealer]

wow hey this is so like me! I made a video about how to move on from it, check my psychopath youtube playlist How to Deal with Psychopaths, Narcissists & Sociopaths (Get Out Quick!) I was an empath too, and black sheep! I'm a healer and a life coach now

[@EssieB-qw2gf]

Andromeda Love Story Thank you for sharing! Im going to check out your video now :) I am training to be a Case Manager (working in social services) and art therapist so hopefully i am able to create boundaries in my life that will help me to help others without attracting narcs.

[@MeredithMynroseUniversalHealer]

S Brave I learn that we have to stand up to these narcs and begin putting intelligent boundary and tell them we know their game and to tell them stop it or else, the "or else" is that you will do something they will regret. Just that you are willing to fight for your right. Most narcissist takes over people who are weak because they are not willing to fight. So they ambush people who gets push around easy. But most importantly, narcs are people who are themselves weak who pounce on other weak people because thats the only way they can win. They are an ultimate losers. Because winners don't prey on victim, Winners prey on a bigger target. Narcs are just social bullies.

[@EssieB-qw2gf]

Andromeda Love Story Thank you! i really appreciate your support and understanding. I am feeling very empowered listening to you and SPARTANLIFECOACH and i realise i am not weak- I am full of self love and love for others and just because I am empathic and naive does not mean that I should bow down and allow bullies to push me around like a martyr. Just because I want to help people does not mean that I should ignore my instincts and intelligence and try to help those who will not and cannot help themselves (narcs). POWER to you Andromeda! and power to me and us all!

[@MeredithMynroseUniversalHealer]

S Brave Thank you !

[@danimercer5739]

Hi dood! I stumbled across you after what's been going on with my life experience where I have finally started to ask key important questions that could possibly break the cycle I create, & hopefully no will!!!! You talk about everything I need to know right now,, WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY THE TEACHER WILL APPEAR!! You are amazing I want to thankyou for setting me free & making me realise I am an ok person who has just been bogged down by malignant personalities, who now, I am more aware of, & hope for a better life with more natural automatic kung fu wherever its needed!!! MAY THE FORE BE WITH YOU DOOD,, I KNOW IT IS ALREADY< YOU ARE HELPING A LOT OF PEOPLE KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK :))

[@beneficialfrequencies8907]

A big Thank you for all your works.. I have been watching many of your videos... they have helped me immensely... you are a valuable medium...offering so much sincere advice and guidance.... I am learning much about myself as an Empath.and why I attracted the Narc Husband.... realise now I had 3 close family members who were Psychopathic.... this affected me to the point that I became so emphatic.... I am now working toward balance.. and am getting there with your help.. Kudos Brother.... in absolute gratitude.....:)

[@Xslices]

I just became aware of narcs and psychopaths. It sucks living in a world of crazies.

[@jenniferjoy6179]

I have had intense therapy for over twelve years, gone to program and read a countless array of books. I believe that I have to work on issues of codependency. It took me this long to discover that I have attracted narcissistic men. I am an empath and I was always very sensitive as a child and drawn to the artist realms. I do not think that I am smothering with affection by any means. I am also not narcissistic. I believe that you make a good point that it is quite painful to accept reality. I often used painting, music (piano) and writing as a means of expression but do believe that I was not fully aware of my condition. It is extremely painful to accept reality. It is very hard to face myself and yes I did become an overachiever but I did not by any means become apathetic. I used to blame the men in my relationships until my sponsor told me that I must get better before I was able to find a healthy and stable partner. I was angry at first because I was not aware of what I was doing. However, after working extensively on myself, I discovered that my relationships improved. The men however, are still often narcissistic. I used my friend's email to write this and prefer to keep my name and identity anonymous.

[@reallyfknkazie8735]

Also thank you again for your time and awareness, education and exposure is the only way to keep people safe from predators.

[@sghkl]

my parents were very loving and empathic and they never saw me as a child... but as a "best friend" and they told me all their problems and this was VERY unhealthy... I´m 23 now and when I was 16 I just wanted to run away from this love... it was too much!! I was too close to my dad... he was even jealous o my first boyfriend... I just wanted to escape! So I ran... and ended up on the streets.. looking for boundaries... looking for PARENTS! Having boyfriends who were 10 years older than me... very unhealthy!

[@RS-nc7rh]

I know this video is older, but WOW! That was so insightful and dead on! I mean seriously DEAD ON. I am 40 yrs old and won't have children because I physically can't, but have wondered what is going on with all these 'helicopter' parents lately. My generation seemed to have free reign (more or less) with liberties and freedom... doing things that felt dangerous but really kind of were not... so much to ruminate on. You are amazing. Thank you for this food for thought.

[@radhamagda7206]

I love his messages! So genuinly blunt its like Brooklyn Heaven

[@knightbrucie]

Hey, Iam the only child of a single parent, covert narcissist, mother. TAKING THE RED PILL SUCKS! I often think life is easier for the sociopaths and narcissists!

[@hermeticmoon8464]

Somehow I missed this video,amazing as usual and yes the red pill is harder to swallow but I rather be awake ,painfully aware .

[@coa-hw3cg]

I'm a 32yr old single mother, one with a narcissist father, and I've got to say....... DUDE! I haven't laughed like that in years! Finally, intelligent life that can actually communicate with my generation! Thank you! And by the way, I LOVE the "f-bombs", I know my mom won't but I'm sending her your clip anyway because you described us and our generations exactly! I think I'll go grab some parenting books now! :)

[@budcat7]

The "extended family" was the model of human families for 10's of thousands of years. If one is a student of anthropology and sociology then one learns that in the ancient and not so ancient past, parents were not the primary caretakers of children as can be seen often in extant primitive tribal societies. The parents being the most able members of the community were slated with the majority of the workload therefore child rearing could not be an option for them as individual family units. Older members of the "tribe" or extended family unit were the primary caretakers/educators of the young since they had important skills to pass to the young that they would need as adults, one of those "skills" might even be something called "philosophy" or even something like "math" besides almost anything you can name. It was not until the post industrial period in the 18th and 19th century a la Charles Dickens era and the creation of the nuclear family unit that many familial aberrations became manifest. There is no proof whatsoever that the nuclear family unit model is a successful viable form of societal component in fact there is much evidence to indicate that it is not a viable model at all. But this model does serve the "corporate" model of a consumer based society very well not to mention the advantages of State over a much smaller tribal model, a model which is in fact more easily controlled by the State through various means. It is much harder to impose State rules and regulations on the extended family who might reject such impositions and this family unit model does not serve the interests of the State in general. Great video by the way.

[@ngonea]

budcat7 what an insightful comment which in my view points to social engineering as the cause of so much cultural chaos, example, parents who grew up and experienced the deprivation of the great depression where so rapped up in succeeding financially they could be emotionally unavailable, the new car, the house, the Tel-lie-vision which was just becoming available to certain economic class of peoples, therefore, the keep up with the 'Jones' syndrone was born along with the consumer society. Result is the babyboomer syndrone, if it feels good do it, and push the button the money will come out of the machine and "I" want it all right now.

[@naturalallnaturalwhitepist1789]

budcat7 I know some families that are genuinely super happy and all love each other so I think in certain situations it works.

[@parrotshootist3004]

There were still schools in those periods too, they were by and large charity schools or run by religious groups, they also had something of tendency to reflect something of the trivium, vs today's curious splay of topics, and arrangement and manner of education.

[@ChiGodeSiAccontenta]

I want to thank you. So easy to understand, and yet so difficult to implement. Your coaching leaves no room for "self incense". In spite I am italian, I can perfectly understand all your speeches. Thanks again for your grace

[@1madaboutguitar]

How weird I thought the exact same thing as a child about reading up on parenting and that there should be courses. I also always though it were weird when children fall over they would pause for about 5 seconds before they would cry and my hunch fit your explanation. All round you make some great observations and have fantastic insights and makes me feel better because everyone used to think I was crazy/autistic for mentioning this stuff.

[@Kerriisoftware]

I have been using the red pill, blue pill analogy since I woke up as well. Waking up is absolute hell. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done. The only reason I woke up is my narc spouse had done so much emotional and spiritual damage that I had no choice. I had to wake up or be destroyed. Only by waking up was I able to get out of the relationship. I have often thought, why didn't I choose the blue pill. I want my blue pill, being awake is too hard, it hurts too much. But after a year of work, it is starting to ease. I am on the threshold of true real happiness and a sense of self that borders on euphoria.

[@cherylwillis8622]

Good morning!

[@jaynehathaway3717]

indifference isn't what growing up is about, but it's related. Growing up is about becoming aware of the conditioning our parents gave us, and growing beyond it. Growing into being our own person, not the person our parents conditioned us to be. It's called individuation. But people don't do that, because it's hard, and it's painful. And we weren't taught as children, that just because something is hard, doesn't mean you can't still do it.

[@juliettailor1616]

Brilliant. Particularly in addressing the importance of the older, wiser generation! Related is how age is looked down upon, purposefully, for if you have mature people helping you in your decisions in life, life would be far less impulsive, less consumption oriented, there would be less divorce, fewer emotionally disabled children, adults and the list goes on. Parenting is a skill to be learned, perhaps the most important skill one could ever learn.

[@Inma.V]

Wow! You have just described the dynamics in my husband's family! The narcissistic baby boomer step mother -who they all refer to as mum as if their birth mother did not exist, and it probably makes her feel more important and superior-, the golden child (the only daughter she gave birth to), and the 2 adopted step kids= black sheep that got neglected (my husband and his sister). The black sheep sister/ "carer/ victim type personality/lots of drama in her life" treats her own daughters in a way that makes me spew. I had never in my life seen a mother treats their kids as if they were Gods, and she thinks she's a good parent for breeding spoilt brats! But now it all makes sense thanks to your videos. Thank you for the info! :-)

[@iluminet]

I've never seen a better description of what it felt like when I moved away from Florida.

[@MajICReiki]

Have just watched a few videos of SpartanLifeCoach. This is my favorite so far. Like the delivery, use of pop-culture, real life, and personal experience references, engaging charisma, body language, and self awareness while presenting. I will certainly be watching more, and studying the information provided as to how it can be applied. Thank You!

[@estellem7435]

Thank you for your videos, they are helping immensely! So well thought through..I can tell you've been through a lot yourself and I'm so very sorry for that. I have narcissistic parents myself and am the scapegoat of the family. I've gone 6 years without speaking to my Dad and have off and on had little contact with my indifferent mother for the last 10 years. At 26, I still struggle to find a balance in life as they have both tried to ruin every friendship or relationship by spreading vicious gossip. About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with CPTSD from persistent stress and traumatic events that I have experienced throughout the years. Have finally turned to Yoga and exercise 3 months ago as therapy is no longer helpful. Any other advice you would have could be quite useful as I try to make sense of all that happened. Thank you :)

[@jonathanreddish8590]

some good observations here! thanks.... i have noticed that family units are like splitting particles... a family unit with narc parents, will produce a variety of personality disorders.. one or 2 of the kids becomes narcisistic, another one may cope better with a borderline personality, and another with a passive aggressive type.... ultimately the modern "personality", that is deformed, has elements of narcissistic, borderline, passive aggressive, and dependent/ or avoidant... its a rich tapestry,,,, but looking around in my cousins, and siblings. i see my grandparents,narcing up the generation that was my parents and aunt/uncles, and the resulting spray of offspring, which offers as huge variety of defunct and disorder... my cousins and sibs.... im liking your videos, thank you.

[@nicoleberard7670]

Thank you for your videos. I relate so much.

[@corro100]

Lol - in the face of sickness of my red-pill-family-situation. :-)))) Thanx again. It's not that "Oh, this is a sensitive topic, Let's... don't say anything wrong." You put it perfect. I needed that!

[@astroherbs]

I've seen a few of your videos and I find many of them very relateable, hate to sound so general, to avoid sounding like an empty compliment. To be more specific, I did find the point you made about intrinsic self worth and your trip to the store effecting others as if you had a toxicity to your personality incredibly similar. I'm 20, very close to 21, and I've felt this nearly my entire life. I'm about 8 months deep into cognitive behavioral therapy and I'm beginning to make noticeable progress regarding a wide array of interpersonal problems I've had and continue to have with my immediate family, but this one felt nearly the most fundamental, like a causation of everything I felt like I was going through. I think the difference between what you were describing and my case, is that I felt aware of what I was experiencing with my immediate family felt incredibly insane and had began to wear on me at a very young age, and while attempting to create close relationships while at that young age (friends on the playground and whatnot) I felt a sort of guilt and selflessness when I would notice my friends then empathize with me, and would intentionally withdraw from relationships, even though I genuinely would have liked to have a relationship with that person. That problem manifested in a number of different ways, but regardless of however the relationship fell out I always felt a sense of empathy, and still do to this day to a degree, that they look healthier the longer they're away from me. I'm just glad i'm sorting all this shit out while I still have a massive opportunity to change the direction of my life. Just wanted to express my thanks for inadvertently finding your videos, and not making the experience seem so foreign. Now that I'm thinking about it, the psychological logic of it seems so simple. I still feel it.

[@DevonExplorer]

Ooh, that pain of taking the red pill! I saw a wonderful holistic counsellor 6 yrs ago, who gave me the psychological tools to continue the work for myself, and it's been one scary ride after another, lol, but I am so much happier and more relaxed and confident because of it. I can't believe that I spent 60 yrs of my life in a fog before then. I'm not entirely convinced about the connection between baby boomers and narcissism, to be honest. I don't recall anything in my experience of that being the case with the people from my generation. Mind, I would say that as I'm a boomer, lol. I do remember constantly being told that I can't do this and I can't do that, because 'you're just a girl'...ah, lightbulb moment, a lot of the men of my generation do have that sense of entitlement and feeling superior because of their gender. Lots of experience with that. Great video and incredibly useful. Much for me to think about. :)

[@mekman4]

Oh my God, that's me. Nothing was ever good enough and I left a great job and I lost everything, I may as well have been a drug addict the way things went. This red pill thing is so spot on.

[@MarkSven888]

This happened to me too. Spiraled out of a great job and lifestyle into nothingness and confusion.

[@pinchofsalt1]

Your no-nonsense style has really been a support to me over the last year; thank you for what you do. I have looked through your videos for advice on self-curing neuroticism and could not find anything on this topic. I was raised with a (I believe undiagnosed) narcissistic father and indifferent mother and this has left me with my own challenges. Whist I have not become a narcissist, I definitely have neurotic tendencies. And I see now that I have achieved my successes partially in an effort to please indifferent parents. Could you please consider a series on neuroticism?

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

I will definitely look into that for you.

[@pinchofsalt1]

That's great, thank you again for taking the time to respond to me. I look forward to hearing your wisdom.

[@medusamudslinger1111]

Yes, I took the red pill and the truth has been flooding in about my life with a NSP. The "shitty reality" has been incredibly liberating and extremely painful. The "Matrix" is such a great metaphor into the sleeping and awaking state. Now living 3000 miles away from the ex-NSP, I struggle with the loss of family. My youngest son is with me and I am grateful he took the red pill. Sometimes I feel socially inept because of the twisted trauma created by the NSP's. There are times the loneliness is overwhelming! After taking the red pill, my journey has been one of self-inquiry and developing a very simple life. It has been just over 8 years since the "awakening" or taking the red pill.

[@electro1889]

I have never had children because I fear this.i am 35. I have taken the red pill, learning how only after a 12 year marriage. due to CBT , I was portrayed as all my fault. It did not help when the abuser is sitting in the doctors office telling them how I act out. During the red Pill moment, I clicked on the black sheep video, It saved my life. I was diagnosed with BiPolor, I directly hd A SPECT scan which revealed a lot. I was presenting to my therapist as a ghost.

[@lookingup82]

I was very lucky to have my dad's aunt have a huge input in raising me. LOving on me. having me see reality. Having friends who are good parents and great friends! So my daughter- of a single mother- living in a house with narc grandmother, grandpa, single mom, uncles visiting who are married to narc wives...one esp is 100% total to the cartoon def of the hidden alcohol stash! I think my sister and I have broken the cycle. (My sister has no children)

[@wallabumba]

3:45--excellent use of the F word lol. So true. Thanks for your work my friend.

[@user-hw5os6io8s]

Wow! In response to 5:30, Overachiever Syndrome, on fame, this reminds me of James Dean and Jim Morrison!

[@ZaynBrando]

You'd make a great dad

[@mdencler]

Agreed... the world needs more men who embrace their emotions while keeping their objectivity in tact. This guy is a role model and we live in a society that might label him a crying baby. That is very sad to me.

[@Doriesep6622]

OMG! All I needed to see was the title of this. So true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@garyr1934]

You are a valuable presence on this earth Simply thank you

[@luvnretirement229]

Lord, I hope I didn't screw my children up. I'm the black sheep/empath in my little nightmare.

[@jaynehathaway3717]

this sort of parallels what Dr Laura said about parents giving children a false sense of self esteem by putting them up on a pedestal for no good reason except that they exist, when they've done nothing to earn it. That they should go out and challenge themselves to accomplish things, to earn self esteem. Good points...

[@ABBATributeNZ]

The Matrix, red pill/blue pill analogy is absolutely right on. Woke up to see it wasn't just my NM but half of her sisters too and half of my sisters well down that track too, the other half depressed/anxious. Seems to be female only in my family.

[@bethbartlett5692]

Mercy! I'm doing the Snoopy Dance! After all the video clips - massive research and reading - TODAY - - this vey moment - I have landed on the exact combination of ANSWERS/EXPLANATIONS of "our family and the era/generation" examples of "Yes, Dr Watson, You've Got It"! Pause - - - --- -------- - OMG - Coach - You my dear, are a flippin' GENUS! ahhhhh THANK YOU! ((stopped at 7:58) must absorb this and proceed - hope I haven't ruined my child - cause I'm a child of a NPD and an Indifferent - although she was so sweet and admired by the community - and a really good Mom - but lacked Parenting skills, lacked ability to RECOGNIZE REALITY - in terms of Recognizing the severe flaws un her children and so Passive in dealing w the abuse from the NPD dad - thus the children - half brother (not her child) a different combo of NPD and sort of Stupidity plys staying power w the Dad - easily manipulated by sister #2 - a Sociopath Witch Queen Bee - now 67 yrs old still wrecking havoc in many lives - especially hating if me (the Overachiever Empath) U am # 3 daughter - Half brother Dad's 1st Eldest Sis Dads 2nd, Mom's 1st #2 DAUGHTER - Dad's 3rd, Mom's 2nd - the Witch QB Me #3 Dad's 4th, Mom's 3rd - the Overachiever - Empath (plus Graves Disease) (was Successful VP and COO of Corporate Toxicology Services - then illnesses sent me back to the Daughter Dungeon - long Stiry, but not before many awards & successes and public attention - positive) that ticked off #2 And finally, THE BABY - NPD and mirror staring "I am so Good Looking"! That's a quote! Daughter - Lesbian and very nurtured by me- primary caregiver - 8 yes dif Eldest was 23 at time of Baby's birth the 1-was 20, #2 was 18, I was 8 and #4 was birth Parents Divorced when I was 11 4-was 3. I became - head of all home and baby sitting responsibilities - (Mom worked owned Cafe in sm community in South - that was torture - I'm from Chicago - dad's home Tennessee) Now - can't believe I am posting this - but that is how stunned I am at your BULLSEYE DIRECT HIT) Now back to video and hope I can find a - what to do video - for dealing w my healthy raised - w/too much giving of love/attention and positive self ego focus (due ti Parenting Classes Recommendations) - Because I was so lacking in self worth . Thank you for so much for your gift of insightf and your professional wisdom. This is a God - send!

[@leanne1973]

I watch your videos and I go from minute to minute patting myself on the back because I do something you recommend, to feeling desperately upset because I do something you explain to be negative :( I do give my daughter a lot of love and affection (possibly sometimes too much) but she has responsibilities and obligations (that are age appropriate of course) that many of her friends don't have. I feel that she is far more emotionally mature than her friends (in a good way, e.g she has always been able to sleep on her own without a dummy since she was 3 months old and she can keep herself occupied with a particular task for ages without needing me or seeking my attention) and she has developed coping strategies with normal childhood disputes between friends and learning complex tasks. But she does get everything she wants (not necessarily when she wants it, I don't earn much)... I just feel like a lurch from one moment feeling like the best parent ever, to being the worst parent ever... :(

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

leanne1973 We used to live in moving tribes, no walls, no houses, no boundaries. We would literally see each other all day every day, the young, the old, the sick, the hale, the weird, everywhere, always. In such a tribal unit "skill gaps" get filled in naturally. "Energy gaps" too. Meaning if you cant do something well, someone can fill in or show you. Before I worked in schools I was a nightclub bouncer, this was a tricky emotional gear shift to do. My mentor literally made me lay down on the floor with crayons and do some drawings with his 4 year old daughter to teach me to alter my state. As it was I would terrify her with my presence alone. These are innate and natural skills, but sometimes that which is innate and natural still has to be shown and taught. I'm sure it must be very easy to feel guilty as a parent at this time, I am not one, but I empathise. The world is changing and we are realising how easy it is to get the job of parenting "wrong" and to do lasting damage. When I get anxious about screwing up the job of being a parent (one day) I go and dig out quotes by Gabor Mate, here is one: "Parenting is not about techniques. Parenting is about a relationship. You may read all the latest books, but if your relationship with your child is not well established because you’re too stressed, too busy, or too involved in your career, even the best techniques will not work.In the context of a healthy relationship your proper parenting instincts will be triggered. When you’re with a baby, and the baby starts making big eyes at you and smiling, what’s your response? But when we are disconnected from our kids, because we haven’t been present enough in their lives, they don’t trigger our parenting instincts; they trigger our anxieties, our resistance, or our rage, and then we parent from those places.The main trap parents fall into is thinking that this child is my child just because I am the biological parent. In the emotional sense the child is mine only if he or she is attached to me. In this society we tend to take that attachment for granted, but we can’t afford to do that. In older cultures parents used to be with their young children every hour of the day. In this society we often don’t see our kids for most of the day, so our status as parents is on shaky ground. When we’re not around, our kids tend to connect with people besides us, particularly other kids, who often supplant us as the primary figures in our children’s lives, even though we’re the caregivers and pro­viders. Children are looking for an emotional connection. When they find it in other kids, they’re less concerned with what we as parents expect or demand of them."

[@leanne1973]

Thank you. Isn't it funny that usually the simplest explanation is the best one? I do overthink things a lot of the time. I should just relax more and enjoy the moment, the experience, the relationship and stop worrying about the psychology of what I am doing. I appreciate the response and I will take it on board x

[@jandiazcounselling]

SPARTANLIFECOACH Oh so yes!

[@cosmogurl069]

SPARTANLIFECOACH Indifferent Parenting = Permissive Parenting Style. (This is what you were trying to think of in the beginning of the video.)

[@cherylwillis8622]

Daddy?

[@anneofhearts]

NAILED IT! BINGO!!!

[@rme8475]

good info for empaths who are parents to not go to the other extreme

[@bertThugh2]

Spartanlifecoach: Ooooh. I read below that someone does not like swearing, & the way he expressed it was SO anal retentive & passive-aggressive! It made me laugh! Not at you, but at him for being transparent when he was so trying to be clever! Your videos can winnow out the 'children' who are easily sidetracked by inconsequentials that an adult would not only barely notice, but may consider charming &/or nicely conversational like I do. Swear away, me bloke! (or whatever ya'll call each other in the UK.) I very much appreciate your videos & the time & effort you put into them.

[@GM-ie4yy]

In relation to the end comments about parenting, I agree with the first part about how children look to their parents to see how to react and their calm demeanor gives them confidence that they are ok. On the other hand I don't put "self soothing" aka leaving babies to cry themselves to sleep, in the same basket. Every parent will make their own decisions on that matter, I can only speak on my own experience, that I have three sons, who I have nursed through the night and co-slept for years (which was the norm in all cultures until just after the first and second world wars, when both times there was a push toward schedules and the CIO method). Recently my middle son cut his hand badly on a glass window. He didn't cry, he was sort of moaning his way through it and got sweaty but was calm by the time the ambulance arrived. He had stitches without going under a general, looking at the wound the whole time and just held his breath when he was a bit scared. He was very assertive about not wanting to be duped into looking away and the doctor and nurse were overall very amused saying that they had seen grown men screaming having the same thing done. They had prepped his arm to put him under a general, but he got by with local anasthetic and a bit of gas. My kids are always having scuffs, bops and accidents being typical very active boys, this week there have been thorns, grazes, massive head bumps and a spider bite warranting a trip to the hospital and their reactions are self controlled and brave, people marvel at my toddler's independence and resilience. I put it down to this not over reacting on my part, but I also think nursing little ones for comfort helps. It gives them calming hormones so I imagine that over time it wires them to have a neurological pattern that expects to calm quickly after shocks. I have to give them credit as maybe it has to do with their own personalities too.

[@skyebailey5679]

Hi. All in all, I thought your view on this was very well balanced. It's an interesting topic, and you have good insights on this subject. I enjoyed watching. Thanks! I liked what you said about the over praising parents, as well as the self-soothing types. Opposite ends of the same spectrum. The praisers drive me nuts...there have been several occasions where I've overheard a mother in a public restroom praising her child for using the toilet...I thought...'ok, a little overkill, maybe, but, she must be potty training a toddler'...then, to find out, the kid was 5 or 6---and, no, no mental condition---at least not yet! I thought it was a fluke when I heard the first mother doing that---but, I've heard that several times since....when those kids need that much praise just to use the bathroom--at that age--I shudder to think about what they might be like when no one is around to so overly indulged their inflated sense of accomplishments....And the soothers...I just can't be around them. I hate to hear tiny babies "crying it out", when they need all the love and holding they want, so young..

[@Natalia-hf3et]

I just found your channel while looking for more videos on empaths. New subscriber!

[@bethbartlett5692]

Thank God for my son's Dad - He clearly off set my potential Over Mothering - to insure he had the Love, I lacked! This man is so CORRECT - It simply vibes through my being!

[@josmith1057]

Good insight and helped me understand what has happened and is going on. Also the way you put the subject across is great. Thank you :)

[@yamlwoz]

Loving your videos. So much wisdom delivered without pomp and ceremony. I don't use strong language myself but laughed out loud at your description of my mother at 3 mins 35 to 3 mins 50. My grandparents were wonderful people, my mother is a narcissist. But she had many bad hospital experiences when she was very young so I guess that caused her condition. Doesn't excuse it, but perhaps explains it. Thank you for what you're doing - bringing truth and strength to those who desperately need it.

[@katherineavant223]

My sister and father are narcissistic, my mother was an empath who married a man who'd turn her into a narcissist. She cares, but feels obligated to push me so hard and to check in with me constantly. I don't want to be like them, but I'm tired of how much additional pain I've gotten from relationships i thought were great. They were narcissistic too, and i let them hurt me until i reached a explosive limit. My sister tells me that "we've had a good childhood" when she hasn't lived here for 6 years. I'm alone here, and i don't feel like i can do anything myself.

[@mccullochm1]

Hi Spartan LifeCoach, Great insight! I really like your analysis and your lesson! Thank you.