"Why Your Family Hates You" Follow Up Video (narcissism/scapegoating/mobbing/toxic abuse)

Sam Vaknin Richard Grannon Seminar Liverpool March 2019 "How to Manipulate the Narcissist or Psychopath"
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[@heatherwhittaker6169]

Richard is correct. My own family have done more to keep me down than anyone. I wasted decades trying, and hurting. Don"t be like me. Leave and don"t look back.

[@cynthiaelesevandyke-melcho1864]

Heather Whittaker true

[@HairbyNardia]

I agree I walked away about one year now 🚶🚶🚶

[@bobanderson3361]

Likewise Heather, after 10 years of seeking their approval and being manipulated and deceived by my entire family. I finally woke up to the reality and did exactly what Richard said in this video. Thank God for my you tube assertiveness training via Gordon Ramsey and Kyle Jeremy shows. Those guys don’t give a f&$& what people say or think, they are only concerned with truth and following it.

[@bobanderson3361]

Tee Kay get outta there. Military + GI bill, or pick up and move, Start a new life elsewhere. Your not alone, I’m in a very similar boat. Build a community, people are important (join a church (but be careful narcs are there too but know you can identify them), dance group, motorcycle group, fitness group, tech group, etc).

[@bobanderson3361]

Tee Kay not sure how old you are, but I chose to be homeless and live outta my car for 5 months rather than move back in with my parents. My life has gotten exponentially better without them in my life chiming in on what I’m doing. Make yourself better, keep improving yourself. Don’t second guess your gut decisions and learn from your mistakes. Checkout some Jordan Peterson. Keep learning about people and personality types.

[@endlessgrief9930]

My sister has turned into a psycho narcissist and has been treating me like dirt. After years of crying and pity parties, I have simply walked away. The hardest part was letting go of my best friend (my sister), and realizing that person no longer exists was gut wrenching. I had to go through the grieving process like someone died. Awful but necessary. Save yourself.

[@200991602]

It's truly gut wrenching. The need to try and reconnect is very strong, especially a sibling, cousin or friend from years ago. Seeing changes in people is confusing. I'm still confused why some people just can't relate properly. Best thing to do is save yourself for sure.

[@nottthereyet4872]

Wow. My story exactly with my sister. So difficult. So heartbreaking when we had such a wonderful childhood. I am good, I do well, yet she loathes me for being all of that. So sad.

[@rambot8086]

After years and years of catering to and rescuing and sacrificing for and doing incredible deeds for my sister abandoned me which almost cost me custody of my kids. It's taken 3or4years to realize what a narc.piece of shit my sister is. Along with a few cousins. FUCK ALL OF THEM!! if I was on fire I wouldn't want them to piss on me.... rant over...

[@Poorstargazer23]

Endless Grief Grieving process...that hits the nail on the head. I'm sorry for what happened, but you deserve to be happy and proud of yourself.

[@laraparks7018]

I pulled my sister by her collar out the door yesterday and told her she was just like mom lol The gasp ,head pull back and wide eyed astonished reaction was epic How dare you talk to me and treat me how I treat you It said Like a servant had stuck a needle in her arm with a broad smile Than it was off with my head type walk away buttucks swag

[@antonv.]

Very sad but so very true, when you try to set a boundary, they will fight you even harder.

[@paintedbird6417]

They make you feel like the bad guy for doing it too. I just confronted my mail opener and tried to explain why it is not okay to read other people's letters even if the seal is broken. They act like it is no big deal or pretend ignorance. No they aren't that stupid, they purposefully open and read people's mail and then lie about it. Narcs are shameless.

[@paintedbird6417]

@Turquoise Cheetah They will cross your boundaries everyday, if you say something to them about it, it feels like the end of the world.

[@Layla-fr7mf]

Also ask you what is wrong like they are trying to fix you or shame you and tell you that you don’t love them and they want the old you back

[@StaggerLee68]

Only one way to find out, set boundaries and watch the show. Maintain the boundary. Repeat as necessary until you realize it's better to put some serious distance between you and them.

[@HighSpeedNoDrag]

Sad Yes and potentially dangerous at the minimum.

[@endlessgrief9930]

Another analogy: a family strictly follows certain dance moves demanded for years and years. Once self-awareness becomes apparent, you change your dance steps, steps that make you happy. The family will PANIC and do everything they can to get you to STOP your own dance steps and get back in line. They will use guilt, anger, and pure evil to get you back. DON'T GO BACK. Dance YOUR dance as you like and dance away from these toxic dancers. They will never change their steps. Let them go and live YOUR life on YOUR terms.

[@sensitiveone8305]

Endless Grief exactly this. My family ghosted me and I realized this began when I started speaking up for myself. When I no longer took the words of my narcissistic person as gospel and pushed back with facts, I was told that I had "changed." That was my crime, not being submissive.

[@WillBlindYouWithLight]

Took me 20 years to finally accept this fact. Right now I am grieving so hard. I feel lost.

[@missnukkinfutz]

How are you doing now? It takes time, sometimes years. It will get better :)

[@CARMELL1212]

YESSS!😁 AMEN!!!🙏🏿☝🏾💯💯💯💯

[@johnrondeau8500]

I believe Annie Dillard said "some relationships are " like the dark dance of death"

[@MsGeminorum]

There is no arguing with a narcissist. They don't admit anything and lie, twist and change their mind as it suits them.

[@QueenBee-mk8xm]

They are weak

[@laurastadler7575]

One thing that really stood out for me is that anxiety and depression is caused when you don't assert yourself and learn to fight back. So true. In my experience, the abuser tries to instill so much fear inside you to make you feel that asserting yourself or fighting back is wrong. They want you to suck up all their projections. Fight back. Stand up for yourself. It is the best thing you can do.

[@joestacks1545]

@legendarnyziomal , are you a target of harassment / Stalking by proxy?

[@jem2250]

And exhausting. No contact is the answer

[@joeyconvery2055]

Laura Stadler Well said. 👍

[@jcbanbury]

@legendarnyziomal 😐 and I need to physically assault my sister

[@xrc7445]

Even if you fight back you still get anxious and depressed. If you express your concerns and still get dismissed, it only confirms further how much your family hates you. You get gaslighted on top. If there is not a single member to validate you, you end up feeling crazy (on top of anxious and depressed). Ask me how I know. If someone is in such a situation, and standing up for themselves doesn't work, they need to gray rock and then, when they are fianancially ready, cut their losses and move on.

[@majorwinner-yv3be]

Scapegoats are angels, born amongst evil. We grow up not really understanding where they are all coming from. All the while...earning and growing our wings here on earth until you realize, it's time for me to fly. And say goodbye.

[@allisonsounds]

Thank you

[@RecycledTrashHole]

Lets not forget the "Gang up" trip. Narcissistic personalities LOVE to have others next to them when humiliating other people. That is my experience.

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

Yes some psychs call it "mobbing" en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mobbing

[@RecycledTrashHole]

Strange how you used the term "Mobbing". The narcissistic parent that raised me was good friends of many from the Italian community, as she worked for them and is still friends with some, even though our family unit was Scottish/Irish. lol

[@jerickzane]

Jonah House I also have been a victim of the mobbing. My sister, her son, husband, my mother and father. That did wonders for my ego let me tell ya. My sister is gay and married to the guy that accidentally got her pregnant. Still after 31 or 32 years. She is just using the guy, hasn't slept with him in 15 yrs. and he still doesn't know the truth So she has alot of hatred built up inside I'm sure. And I was the scapegoat that she took it out on.

[@jackierichardson1088]

@@RICHARDGRANNON I call them piranhas. One brings blood the others feed

[@williamtiffee3799]

@@jackierichardson1088 The wicked witch (malignant narcissist) and her "flying monkey" entourage... also comes, to mind.

[@yourenough3]

It pisses me off when people claim that if you are or were the scapegoat of your family of origin you will be a narcissist or borderline. I'm not manipulative ! I don't come into people's lives and mess with their minds. If anything I am too nice. I never was given any life skills - I have hypervigulance and I did always crave my mothers love so I guess I do have abandonment issues. I have been involved in dysfunctional relationships but I was the doormat I was gaslit I was emotionally fucked with. I care about people and people's feelings.

[@mrmellow1701]

Oliviagrace Riley I'm the same way very much. I have a lot of empathy especially towards people that hurt. just know you aren't alone I wish more people were like us..

[@yourenough3]

Rise of The Phoenix amen! I'm sick of the labels. Unless you know me and you see me on a day to day basis don't just assume that were all bad. We were given a lot of challenges in life. If anything we are strong and we can deal with a lot of things other people wouldn't even imagine putting up with. I am a good person. People think I'm a push over or that I'm weak well walk in my shoes go through what I've been through and that is why I care about people and I don't like seeing people hurt or being taken advantage of.

[@mrmellow1701]

Well you seem nice and very pleasant ^-^ Im Brian by the way. I hope you're doing better now. I went through so much emotionally and my family abused me even on a spiritual level in a way I can't really describe. :/. I used to think it was the people in my city but everywhere most others are superficial, fake, selfish and can't see outside of their own perspective! I don't understand others and I am kind of an introvert. I'm still very nice and friendly although shy and reserved and I do have defenses but I have never been mean to people even on a bad day. Music helps me so does going for walks in a quiet nature filled area. Society kinda drives me nuts but at least now I realize I'm not the only good one left in the world. You are right we aren't the weak ones they are weak and weak minded because of their cowardly behavior. It's really just a form of bullying when you think about it.

[@kiko485]

Rise of The Phoenix I relate so much to both you and I love birds be free that it isn't funny, and you both seem like gentle souls. I'm the scapegoat as well, and I've been incredibly passive towards manipulation and abuse from my family for years. I've also been bullied in school because of it. By nature I try to avoid conflict with others at all costs and it hasn't ended very well for me. Compound that with the fact that I have several diagnosed mental disorders, have Ulcerative Colitis and have been in and out the hospital most of my life due to the UC, and we have a hot ass mess! I hate having to say all of that because I don't want to seem as though I'm looking for pity because with all due respect, pity doesn't do shit to help me. That's kids stuff. All I'm doing is just sharing my truth. There also isn't a manipulative or narcissistic thing about me. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm extremely conscience of the things that I say to people, and oftentimes put the feelings of others before myself, or make sacrifices that I honestly can not afford to make. My family themselves often say that I'm *too* nice and that people in the real world would take advantage of me. I'm incredibly hard on myself, and often feel as though that I'm not good enough, and that I'm not someone who's worth being in a meaningful relationship with, and as a result of that I'm extremely shy and quiet around people. My biggest fear is rejection and due to years of bullying and abuse I've become withdrawn and often stay to myself. I'm currently in the process of a particularly bad scapegoating episode from my family due to finally putting my foot down and actually refusing to do something, and I'm pretty much on the verge of a serious emotional break down. I wish that I can move out and disconnect, but I have nowhere to go. I'm on disability, unemployed, and incredibly depended on my parents, so I feel like I'm always going to have to go through this. I have no way out and I'm really at a loss.

[@yourenough3]

Rise of The Phoenix sorry I never seen a notification for your response to my post until this morning when I seen Phoenix 's post notification. Yes it's like they are all bullies. They really hurt people to their core. It all starts in our families of origin they GROOM us and I have seen this from videos our family grooms us for other dysfunctional relationships. Happy holidays!!!

[@kam0406]

I find myself longing for a "normal" family, especially around the holidays when everything and everyone tells us holidays and family goes together like Turkey and pumpkin pie. I don't have that. Holidays are something I dread. I do not look at the upcoming holidays with joy or as a reason to celebrate. I look at it as something to endure and survive. Holidays are just another thing to get through without the panic attacks and depression becoming too great a burden to overcome. I breathe a sigh of relief on New Year's Day when it is all behind me and the constant reminder of not having family can finally be put to rest for a while.

[@joeyconvery2055]

I feel exactly the same way. Thank you.

[@jixie_93]

Exactly true for me too...love and peace to us all in this situation...wish we could all magically somehow make holidays together with each other! ❤❤❤

[@Layla-fr7mf]

To make you feel better most people in the world have some sort of dysfunction in their family without knowing or just being fake and in denial so don’t even feel bad. Focus on making your own family the best to break the cycle. This narcissistic parenting is literally embedded in the system GLOBALLY so most of us are “raised” not loved in this structure. Watch Teal Swan- Cut the invisible strings which shows you the mess every tribe and culture has with this mess

[@Kwood10]

I feel the same

[@user-pd1oc2zs9q]

Same.

[@dianelewis9458]

I too was the family Scapegoat. I played the role of the victim for 12 years, then I started learning as much as I could including Richard’s excellent video’s. I no longer have a family now, I am my own family. Luckily, I have been blessed with wonderful friends. I’m finally on the road toward healing.

[@Joshdifferent]

Same ❤

[@angelsavita524]

You have us energetically too❤ we all one big scapegoated family 👼👼

[@miriamb.3078]

I abandoned every one and I live alone now and I've NEVER been THIS happy and THIS balanced in my entire life. You are awesome :) ♥ The abused was so rough I could have died, but I made it out nonetheless (not unscathed), but still alive :).

[@Forgetaboutthis2024]

Miriam B. Same

[@letthetrumpetsound7893]

Fav song right now, Marisha Wallace - I'm Alive 💯

[@lluvray8986]

How?.. I need a job so bad to leave :(

[@tomasanderson8928]

it's only after we lost everything we are free to do anything... (Tyler Durden

[@user-np2wu7el9w]

I believe it. They're literally trying to cost me EVERYTHING after my husband narc & his mom almost did it. They're messing with my dogs now, the only ones who got me through all of the bs so far. They know how bad it hurts me to see them suffer, so they're doing everything they can to mess with them. Truly sick people who prey on those who can't even speak about what's done to them. I hope karma is real.

[@My2up2downCastle]

Spot on...

[@psychictruth5037]

💯👏

[@jaynehathaway3717]

what you're saying is completely right. They don't care about what's right or wrong. They don't care about how much their "shit" damages our lives.

[@200991602]

Thank you! This has really helped me with my cousins , who treat another cousin as though she's not at family gatherings. She has ADD, so they have labeled her as the "family dummy ". She's far from dumb, but finds it difficult to enter into conversations with family, because her mind doesn't work the same way. She has a hard time concentrating on anything verbal. She shuts down, due to frustration, because she can see through the other cousin's smug narcissistic behavior. I'm planning on taking her on a trip to the mountains, where we can talk and share our common experiences with the family.

[@susandurrant25]

I hope you are doing or have done the trip. I think you know your cousin is going to take you on a journey too xx

[@wbrown3907]

On behalf of all scapegoats, thank you for being the rare one who sees and sticks up for the scapegoat.

[@vivdoolan6846]

She is so lucky to have you xxxx

[@dominique7269]

👏🏼

[@wotiluv]

This is so on the money. If there is one thing I could change in my life is to have stayed away from my toxic family when I walked away from them years ago. I made the grave mistake of going back only to find they were unconscious and incapable of changing. Fighting a sick family is futile. Detachment is the only way.

[@JJ21210]

As one who left-returned-left-returned (mother nearing death) and is finally working on the big and final departure, my regret is mixed with gratitude, because not until this second return did I really, truly GET how sick my FOO is. Now I can leave in peace, knowing that I really tried (family counseling) and that there really was no way to communicate with these people. I think a lot of us go back at least once because we just can't quite believe that they were that bad, or we long so much for family (a natural longing) that we fool ourselves into thinking maybe it will work this time ...

[@smc1942]

I cut my Toxic Family out of my life too. NO CONTACT RULE!!!! That's the only way I have any peace of mind.

[@patsyballantyne9886]

Agreed

[@user-eu3qy8uf7f]

Same here. I went back after 25 years of NO contact. I still live far away but was visiting, commubicating etc.Things were okay for awhile but now their old patterns are reasserting themselves. (using me for MONEY, not telling the truth or whole story, manipulating) I've already shut two of them out again and stopped the trips "back home" Too tired, low money, have the flu etc.-thisvis what I tell them. The others are on life support as I detach from them and realize the greater lesson in that I was completely JUSTIFIED in leaving, that they don't want to and WILL NEVER change enough to have healthy relationship with me or themselves. AND that most times FAMILY is greatly overrated in most cases. AND I made a pretty good and okay life for myself. The jury is still out as to whether I walk away again or not BUT one thing is certain-i wont nor will I EVER allow myself to be used abused manipulated, stolen from (borrowing money and not paying it back) lied to and etc. I've warned them. In the meantime I'll cultivate positive interests and goals. Retired so thank God I don't have job or career crap on top of family mess. Thank you for these videos. When I was going through this I thought I was the only one who ever had to do this. Holidays were tough and most were spent alone. Your videos have made me understand that this s$!# happens to a lot of us and that self preservation is the first law of nature. One last thing; one other consolation in all this is that many times watching the news you see husband kills wife, brother kills brother, son kills parents and on and on. Now I realize that those are people who , like us should have walked away from toxicity. But chose to kill their way out. Thank God we had the real strength to WALK AWAY.

[@SydMountaineer]

The emotionally healthy ones are usually the ones that leave.

[@veritytreacle1174]

I fought back and refused to accept the excuses I was being given for the awful and abusive behaviour directed towards me not only by my narcissistic mother but also by dysfunctional siblings who are nothing more than her minions. She used (uses even now) them and they are so bitter and full of anger they are too stupid to realise this. I have zero contact with them. I feel so much better for cutting them out of my life. They don't trust each other and use each other and fall in and out of favour with each other constantly. It's so exhausting!

[@derae121]

You our not alone ....both my mother and sister are both narcs...I'm 44 yrs old and before I found this video I truly felt as though I was the one that was crazy.,,,

[@veritytreacle1174]

dea raee You are so right. It's only when you notice how other families function that you realise just how badly screwed up yours is. Of course they will try and convince you that you are the one that is being irrational but then they want to keep you down and so will keep drumming it into you "You're wrong" "You're bad" I have lost count of the number of times my mother told me I was my own worst enemy- when she was! Do you still have contact with your mother and sister?

[@daphventurer7475]

Verity Treacle you're right. But unfortunately for me, I still have to live with them. My mum is a narcissistic psychopath, my dad a hateful toxic narcissist. And I think some of my siblings are narcs or maybe CPSTD. I've started limiting my dialogue with them but I WISH I could just leave already and get completely independent.

[@WillBlindYouWithLight]

Omg yas 🙄 that is totally my mom and sisters!!

[@a_womans_intuition7195]

My family exactly

[@CHSN-1]

I will never forget watching this video 4 almost 5 yrs ago, and it snapped me out of the scapegoat “spell”. I woke up to everything that I was really going through. I saw everything, and everybody that was secretly going against me. Still makes me cringe. Thanks Richard

[@charliechase7390]

The best bit after having experienced such betrayal from friends/family; is when you realise that it is them that are worse off than you. They are envious. They will never admit it but most narcissists are sick with envy and jealousy. So just decide to trust your own unconditional love towards yourself; breath in, smile, think of all the good things you have in life; and keep striving towards your own freedom from negative fools; regardless of how "close" they are to you.

[@MsSukiC]

I was the family scape goat. I have never nor would I ever treat a child the way I was treated, at least I was able to learn something from the bad behaviours of others. I am lucky to have developed amazing friendships with people who are truly caring and compassionate I am truly blessed. Walking away from my parents and their TOXIC influence was like a weight lifting from my shoulders. I would never encourage a person to make a decission like that however I would not dissuade them if they felt it was necessary for their own wellbeing. We all have a right to protect ourselves from distructive influence that causes a life of misery and let's be serious if a person truly cares for you they wouldn't drag you down. Not any of us are a tip for another persons emotional garbage.

[@LynnS-gd8wq]

I’m so glad you found your circle of friends.

[@LisaS1]

You, Spartan, are so right when you say the dysfunctional sibling (or other family member) will not acknowledge, or notice, anything positive, you do and you'll get no pat on the back from them.

[@monizoe3188]

He's right. I started this journey 9 months ago. They don't care, I hear from others that they think I am a narcissist and that I am crazy and wrong and that cutting them off proves it. For the first time last week I did what I wanted, not jumped when one my family said jump... It feels so weird and great. Get rid of them, trust me. Like he said, it hurts so bad at first because they just keep proving your point with every back stab, DETACH!!! Ghost THEM...go LIVE

[@phoenixd9679]

Monica Zoe I am 6 months into this intense recovery a truth so well spoken to the understanding, now the time has come... Thanks for the AWSOME videos and community of people's good heart!!!

[@Sayrshas]

In my family, it was perfectly acceptable to be mean to me & treat me badly, but when I shared how I was treated by my family with others...whoa holy crap - I committed the biggest crime there is to a narcissistic toxic family - I exposed them for the toxic abusers that they are! I shared with others how they treated me. They need me to be a piece of shit as this video shows, because it makes them feel like they are decent people - they are not. Their very actions towards me alone speak to how toxic they are. How toxic that family system is. I want zero to do with narcissists.

[@Simple_Mind11369]

same.

[@parke037]

Same part 2

[@OrangeChairs]

Isn't it bizarre? They act like how they treat you is totally normal, but if you share it with others in a factual way, suddenly you've betrayed them and you're a monster! If it's normal, why do they hide it?

[@parke037]

Yep, called out my Grandma a few weeks ago and the next time I saw her on my Grandpa's b-day she basically teased me about it because no one would see my side anyways.

[@mpriss357]

Shelley Brown ... me too. sorry that happened to you

[@Omega13_channel]

Bravo!! I had to disconnect myself from certain family members and that was one of the healthiest choices I have ever made for myself in my life! I surrounded myself with positive people; People who genuinely liked me for who I am, and didn't put me down. I not only rose above it, I became very successful. I freed myself from their psychological torture and as a result, I was able to concentrate on myself, and I flourished. I am so glad that you are sharing your wise advice with people.

[@Anonymous-ny9dl]

My family never respects my boundaries and if i try to stand up for myself they all gang up on me and start making me feel like shit about myself, it's just so miserable to live like this honestly!

[@rebeccabrawn5868]

It is..

[@strawberribubbletea]

Put headphones on and ignore them. Don’t give them the response they want.

[@yourenough3]

they love it when your trying to get their acceptance . but it's just a waste of life! yes DETATCH!!!!

[@yourenough3]

running on a hamster wheel!!!! you aren't gonna get anywhere!!!!

[@nikeyaa2614]

My sister literally just told me on the phone that I have to prove myself to her and the rest of my family. Like what !!?

[@flowers8442]

@@nikeyaa2614 Tell her she can kiss your ass. The nerve!!!!. You have nothing to prove to no hateful relative who doesnt genuinely care about you. DISCONNECT. DiSTANCE yourself. PERIOD.

[@dharmadharma3960]

@@nikeyaa2614 sounds like my sister

[@solomonraabe4782]

If abuse from your family is all you know, then starting your own family as a way of getting past your issues, is a very bad idea. If you do that, all you're doing is creating a whole new group of victims. You need to create new pathways in the brain that are used when confronted with a situation, otherwise you Will do all the same things to your children and it will all seem very natural because it is.

[@OceanSound100]

+Solomon Raabe Yeah ! that is a real problem if we are not healed completely. we can have families but it depends on what had happened to us like you are stating here. Good point.

[@AStoicMaster]

I certainly agree with your premises, and I hate to pick knits, but it appears as if your conclusion is committing the Naturalistic fallacy. 'Natural' as opposed to "artificial" is not the same as moral, or good. Or else we would be obliged to give up sanitation, penicillin, modern agriculture, and other life-saving inventions as "immoral" or "bad." "Natural" meaning "biological" as opposed to "cultural" is not the same as moral. Both Altruism and psychopathy seem to have roots in human physiology. Similarly cultural influences can be either good or bad.

[@debk3135]

Solomon Raabe I think he is saying once you have confronted your own pain and have healed and grown having your own family to concentrate on knowing not to make the same mistakes because your empowered with knowledge can help you to move on without your family of origin. I get what he is saying. I didn't repeat with my kids and family. They helped bring about healing for me. They grew up to be great happy adults.

[@bibleshortstoriesforchildr2091]

Solomon Raabe , brilliant and truthful commentary!

[@wbrown3907]

Sorry to have to note I started a family and intended to erase the dysfunction but was unconscious and recreated similar problems. You are right it is a very bad idea and I hope others will heed your advice, Solomon.

[@AussieTruthSeeker]

I've lived in a severely dysfunctional family system for 46yrs, and am constantly used as the family scapegoat. Over the last 18mths I've removed my parents from my life after many times of trying to communicate the dysfunction in the family system so we can all heal. Unfortunately my family think there's nothing wrong with them which is why I'm used as the scapegoat. Yesterday I finally removed my sibling from my life after finally realising that he's toxic to my wellbeing through his narcissistic abuse. I refuse to continuously be treated so poorly by my family. Thank you for this video, it helps confirm that I'm making the right choice to start afresh and move towards thriving in a healthy way.

[@AussieTruthSeeker]

@Sophia L.Thank you for replying to my heartfelt comment. I'm sorry you've had the painful experience of enduring a dysfunctional family system. I'm proud of you for being true to yourself and not accepting anything less than you deserve. I live in Australia, and would be happy to connect with you even if you don't live nearby. You can find me on FB if you're on there. You can search my name, I'm the profile with the dot art as my profile picture. I don't have the add friend option, however, you can message me anytime if you wish.

[@maxineyolanda85]

Cut your emotional losses and move on...Dr. Laura. Yes, you ARE able to forgive them, move on and not have those soulcrushers be a part of your Life. Cut them. It is a matter of selfpreservation. Know Thy Self. Love Thy Self. Amen.

[@77Tadams]

Definitely good point. Forgive them and just wall them off. You may have to walk them off physically until you are strong enough to just do it emotionally. If you don't react to them anymore it is possible to be around them, but not let them affect you with their behavior and provocations. This may be a hard one, but that is what they try to do is provoke your old response habits, maybe it makes you want to prove yourself or please them or even act out so they can prove you didn't change and then you are still their scapegoat...it's the game you have to take yourself out of...stop playing.

[@lovelv1278]

Amen !!!!!!!

[@Ellie.12866]

I think it goes: Never fight with a pig because, Nobody wins, You both get dirty, and The pig likes it.

[@BelleOfAmherst]

Ellie K Yes! So very true. Richard utilised the VERY same quote in videos (2 parts) about the psychological dynamics in nuclear families, & what to do if you are verbally abused & looked down upon if you are the “Black Sheep”. The information WAS painful, BUT necessary to understand the family dynamics. He, as usual, was spot on. Grateful to now have the information he provided. It requires great courage to “TRANSCEND”, or GO THROUGH the pain of a sick family unit. It’s much more common than we realise. WE ARE WORTH IT! By the way, I loved this quote so much, I went on to research it. It is from George Bernard Shaw (often simply Bernard Shaw), an Irish playwright, among MANY things, born in 1880, died in 1950 in U.K. Richard’s intelligence is invigorating! He inspires me. He is one of the most authentic people I’ve ever had the pleasure to encounter. Wherever you are in your journey, I hope it is filled with joy & gratitude. Peace to you, Belle 🦋

[@mireillelebeau2513]

This quote have a very interesting evolution. For "quote investigator" it was around in 1776 in the form of "Don’t wrestle with a chimney sweep or you will get covered with grime". It evolves and around 1872 the saying was "he who wrestles with a hog must expect to be spattered with filth", Cyrus Stuart Ching, in 1948 was quote saying "What’s the sense of wrestling with a pig? You both get all over muddy . . . and the pig likes it.'”

[@Ellie.12866]

@@BelleOfAmherst Thank you Belle, and to you (and Happy 2020) !

[@BelleOfAmherst]

Ellie K Thank you. Happy New Year 2020 to you as well, Ellie, & wishes for a brilliant year ahead! 🥳🎉🎆🌠

[@volcom05345]

lol this made me laugh even though im depressed af thanks

[@marcus1nc]

One day I was complaining to a friend about how badly my family was treating me. She said the answer to my problem is right there in the beginning of Genesis. At first, I didn't believe her. Then, she began: Eve conned Adam; Cain killed Abel; Abraham ex-communicated his first born son Ishmael because Sara his wife was having trouble with Ishmael's mother; Abraham almost killed Jacob; Jacob defrauded Esau of his birthright for a bowl of porridge; Jacob and his mother defrauded his father Isaac to be given Esau's inheritance; Jacob's uncle Latham defrauded him over giving his youngest daughter to him in marriage; and Joseph's 12 brothers were jealous of their father's love for him, so they threw him in a pit hoping he would die, and then sold him into slavery, where he was taken away to Egypt. Then, the brothers lied to their father about what had happened to Joseph. Lot offered his 2 daughters to be raped instead of the 2 strangers the villagers in Sodom had demanded. Finally, she asked me: "So tell me, why do you think your family should treat you well?" LOL.

[@kieakewii]

Marc Herlands damn that hit me hard

[@Poorstargazer23]

Marc Herlands How does that answer your problem? That sounds like humans have always sucked and here's what happened to these people because they stuck around the crappy people. It sounds like she was just telling you to stick around the crappy people and don't complain cause the biblical figures stuck around...and I say look what happened to them!

[@djcrackademiks1191]

Marc Herlands awesome 😂😂😂😂😂

[@jenclark3021]

It's not easy when u wake up from the narcs fantasy land then realise the worlds run by narcs and your family turns on u for trying to tell them the truth about shit.

[@nottthereyet4872]

you are not alone.

[@stephencoleman3578]

There is nothing more offensive to a narc than the truth. My adult offspring also have narc tenancies and one is a full narc and they will not speak with me or each other, they also hate that I tell them the truth.

[@asktheetruscans9857]

stephen coleman My adult narc children hate the truth and try to ridicule, diminish and turn it upside down...just like every other narc. They blame their state on me for being with a narc woman for 18 years instead of working on what's inside of them. All the apologies I've given won't help them and in fact make them even more abusive.

[@stephencoleman3578]

Anthony Raynes, Yep. exactly what mine do. I call it the "run, hide and blame syndrome". You've probably had many endless cat herding sessions with them. I could never keep mine on the subject.

[@ayoajayi8808]

Jen this is exactly what my family does.

[@hedgealarme8085]

Isnt it interesting that some people think other people need help where they are the ones that need it....????... Thanks so much for the info.....

[@catsalive1]

Great Video. I did this with my family who in actuality would call me up and tell me about holiday parties they were having, then not invite me and then call me after to tell me how wonderful the party was and how beautiful my relatives were. I changed my phone number. I have finally stopped the "rage" that was eating me up. I also switched to a Zen mode of thinking because "turning the other cheek" just gets you more and more grief. I know they "were getting off" on the entire game. I wonder who their new victim is? My mother is in a nursing home and she is my only tie to family. I visit her about once a week and when she is gone, I will never look back.

[@50hellkat2]

The best revenge is to live well . Have at it. You deserve happiness.

[@catsalive1]

T/Y :)

[@50hellkat2]

don't waste your life on the negative influences of your past. life is too short and there is too much out there to take in. let them wallow in their own crap. they will replace your role with somebody else within the pack. It's always good when they turn on each other. View yourself as a normal living with a family of abnormals. Rock on.

[@catsalive1]

50hellkat2 I am trying. All the best to you. :)

[@ursamajor2000]

catsalive1 Wow! The exact same scenario happened in my family! Glad to know I’m not alone

[@Ken15643]

My mother passed away 14 years ago. I can say that she favored me throughout my life. I don't know why, but she did. I honestly didn't realize this until after she was gone. I had no idea. Once she was gone I noticed a significant change in my siblings attitude towards me. For years I tried to figure out what I had done, or why they didn't care when I was experiencing good or bad events in my life. I just couldn't figure it out. Thank you for your video, I realize now that they probably always held a resentment towards me, but didn't feel comfortable expressing it until our mother was gone. It's not my fault, I don't have anything to apologize for. I can let go of the guilt. I can move on with my life. Thank you.

[@kimbonice]

I'm loving your videos, you hit the nail on the head. In the past when I'd talk to the few remaining family members I could tolerate they'd say things to me like "Stop running away", "Comeback and face your problems". Even though I got away from them and became immensely more successful. They didn't even consciously know that they were trying to belittle me, but they sub-consciously needed to do it (it was so goddamn obvious). My success turned into "Running Away" even though I walked away literally fighting tremendously lol. Calling them out on it was fun at times too, they can't even explain why they consider it running away. Even my sister took a poke at me awhile back and told me "Its easier for you because you don't have kids therefore you don't have responsibilities." I'm like...since when did rent, food, clothes, transportation, utilities, etc. not become responsibilities? Hell, I even buy my nieces gifts, food, and stuff (I think I was over there that day do TO drop off gifts). Such a low jab for no apparent reason whatsoever other than jealousy.

[@billete37]

Kimbo Nice i feel my sister is this way toward me, like as if me not doing thibgs like her is because of my parents whom we both grew up with and i decided to stay out of trouble, she decided to "rebel" and party and screw dudes (her bfs at the times, she's not a hoe), she got prego, i could have done all that, i could of got a woman prego, but hey i didnt like stuff like that, i had sex but never made a woman prego (sometimes luckily), i became my own person, out of high school my mom tried to bring me to college behind my back and grew fustrated with the process and emotionally tried to attack me, i told her to drop it, that was it eventually i became a cna on my own choice, then eventually an lpn, i continued to stay out of trouble. My sister decided to keep doing her stuff, she gets mad when i get upset with my parents and openly argue with them, but last time i checked she was cursing them out fighting them, being disrespectful, but when i present boundaries i become the evil child that will lose all his blessings and all that jazz? Really? Clearly your god only cares about your well being and not mines so i dont believe your god js the real one, I will believe in a god who is not respector of persons who is not the god of conveniences but of reality and truth. I did a lot for my family as far as i can humanistically, money, respect, loyalty, a shoulder and all that to have no unconditional support to be left alone, to rot when im hurting and being spoken down about, only being complimented at the expense of another (one of my pet peeves) or to down play me, whenever im happy or excited its "be careful, don't focus too much on that, dont forget your family" etc. I never ask for more than realistic respect, to ve given space and a place to be me and not always have to be silent because i dont want pointless conflict because everyone made bad choices and i was fortunate enough to have had opportunities and taken them.

[@melissatorrisi1]

Kimbo Nice don’t be lured back by guilt or any other method. You have a right to choose the healthiest path

[@melissatorrisi1]

Erick Rosa God sees your suffering, and He loves you. Please read my main post I sent a couple of hours ago..it worked miracles literally for me

[@shastacollins5343]

My sister said the same thing. I don't have kids so I have no responsibilities. I guess that's why she obligated me to watch her kids for years with no pay since I was 9! I'm also in my 30s and I had to recently cut my older nephews off plus my sister which is their mom. They were treating me the same way. Just users and liers! Even my older brother told me that I am obligated to watch her kids because she's my sister! I'm so tired of all of them. I tried my hardest to talk to them but all they do is dismissed my feelings. Now they are dismissed from my life. It's sad but I know Jesus got me. He's all the family I need. Hang in there girl!

[@GreenTurtle181]

Very sound, good advice. I always think trying to deal with a narcissistic family is like that line in the song "Hotel California" - "You can check out any time you like but you can never leave". You're ensnared in their psychological war. Leaving was the only way. Every so often it catches up with you and then I am grateful to people like Richard Grannon who tell you that you're not alone and you're not mad.

[@adrianclementine8071]

One thing that helps me deal with my narcissistic dad is to try to remind myself and my siblings that he is not the type of person who we should want approval from. It still is tough when he speaks bad about one of us, but if I had the lifestyle that he approved of it would be a pathetic existence. I learned the hard way to only accept advice from people who are happy. It seems simple enough, but it took a long time to come to that realization.

[@catrinaskinny3182]

this is some seriously top notch advice....wish I had heard it sooner...came to these realizations on my own through years of frustration/ fighting /information gathering/ working on myself.Have found success through a combination of 1) "scorched earth" policy when fighting back...make them regret coming for you on any level... 2) removal of myself from situation at length...3)then, when timing allows, good manners and open minded approach while re-engaging .. in other words ...." I'm willing to be here & be the happy person I am...but know I'll be suffering no bullshit" ...Absolutely great to hear you talk about this. Great Job helping all us fellow humans trying to make our way.

[@Aurora-Rose01]

I resonated so much with what you are saying. I was the scapegoat for many years, and when I decided to stand up for myself after all this time, the bullies have acted like 'they' are the victims and all hell breaks loose. Thank you.

[@aprilk2858]

Who is this guy? He's absolutely gorgeous, intelligent and loquacious. Why can't men like this exist where I am?

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

Thats very kind, thankyou.

[@Exsugarbabe1]

I don't know any men like this either, the ones I know are drunk, screwed up and can barely hold a conversation about anything other than your own drama.

[@aprilk2858]

You know what I hate about nit pickers? They nit pick. You must be so popular.

[@deadprivacy]

April K Ok but forgive me for calling you loquacious. I was trying to be nice:)

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

April K You get more youtube hate in the comments section than I do, how is this possible? hahaha!

[@drbobweathers]

A brilliant exposition of Buddhism-meets-psychology regarding setting clear, necessary boundaries in toxic relationships. I love your profane realism as antidote to so much “spiritual bypassing” in the worlds of addiction recovery and contemporary spiritualities. 🙏🏻 Dr. Bob Weathers

[@TimeLimey]

Scapegoated by my family, and everyone I seem to meet! Ah well.

[@michellebarnett5154]

TimeLimey Me too 😟

[@margueriterose1985]

Only by your family. People you meet that are toxic are just nasty people and you can easily avoid them.

[@azaramoon4027]

I had this too.

[@WillBlindYouWithLight]

@Hairy Chinese Kid i seriously hope that is true. I always ask what's wrong with me when I get time to myself to cry a little.

[@joyearls8879]

Feel dead inside , have been a scapegoat all my life

[@bluecube7247]

There is a world full of people who would never scapegoat you.

[@jacquibeautyandwellness]

You are not alone, i have been scapegoated all my life too.

[@SardonischerDean]

Me too

[@Hawaiiansky11]

As weird or dumb as it might seem, re-parenting did help me for some items. There were a few ages where I felt 'stuck' and upon discovery / remembering what was going on in my life at that time, I realized left emotional scars on me and kept that part of my psyche from developing emotionally. Thus, when a situation felt familiar to those ones as an adult, I waaaaay overreacted, as someone at age 10, or 15 might.For those situations, I visualized myself as an adult going back in time and 'visiting' the little girl I was at those 'stuck' ages and told myself loving things...such as "You're good enough. its okay, it wasn't your fault. You were / are just a little kid."

[@annettebennett7267]

Hi, I have found your videos to be such medicine to my soul, heart and mind. I am a 62 year old woman. I have lived this hell all my life with my Mother and six siblings. Thank God I had my Dad, he was my rock. But upon his death in 2001, she upped the odds to the extreme. Upon her death in 2009, the monkeys went wild. The cruelty was beyond comprehension. They wanted me accused, they held cour t and made the decision to not tell me when she was dying. Then they held family court and wanted me publicly crucified and shamed as the goat. Then this last Jan one of my brothers died, you can tell who took the lead narc roll, he came out of the past years of no communicating, telling me like I was a 10 year old, how I had, had enough time to get past what they did and it was my fault. What I should be doing and what all he to thought I had done wrong in my marriage, and family etc, etc. It has taken years to find this info, thanks to you and others, I will not go to my grave being a piece of shit for them. He keep saying where has my sweet sister gone as he said these things. I said she is here, just not for people like you who do this. I can say this it has been a life time of pain and suffering, I went to the Hospital and almost died. I was told I took the pain in. It took two years to eat again. But, I am glad I am the goat, God knows I do not want to know, I have ever done these things to others. To be that afraid of myself and who I am or need to be, that I would be this cruel to others. I would never want to live with that! If you can look at the weakness in them, you can pity them. But that does not mean you have to be around them. Love them from afar. He told me if you want God to forgive you, then you will have to forgive us. Well that is between me and God. Forgiveness does not mean you have to be around them. Thank you so much! They are people I use to know!

[@qonitabadegestm9989]

Annette Bennett sO sorry to hear that sweetheart. Isn't it that the ENABLER ALWAYS DIES FIRST? I'm sO sorry for all of it and for his death wow it allllllll sounds like a nightmare. I'm thinking to design a convention for us ACoNs or SOMETHING so we'd have SOME kinda relief. I'm talking real relief like in real life someone stands up for you or along those lines not just reading or watching videos or even therapy or support groups but another level of relief. Stories like yours inspire me to think of SOMETHING but at the same time I need encouragement/motivation, u know we can tend to freeze :/ ... take care... ...Peace...

[@nancylpr]

Annette Bennett, sounds very similar to my own story...... I feel your pain.

[@SonjaElizabethTeal]

Damn.

[@jfb8552]

This sounds so much like my family that i even checked dates.We had a narc[st mum. All my siblings and nephews and nieces don't speak to each other. .I am the only family member who tries to speak to all and not get drawn into dramas i get treat badly I have always tried to treat everyone well yet i get the backlash.. I was the only one to speak to my sister at our mothers funeral. One of my other sister s is very ill but does not want other sibling at her funeral.I come from a very large family but there is no family back up no support

[@cinematicquest1832]

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[@0skar1t3]

Great video. Thanks! I'm a 51-year-old scapegoat daughter of an NPD mother. I have been in recovery for alcoholism for 26 years, but have just heard of NPD in the last three. Really got serious about accepting and healing from her abuse in the last year. Everything you said was pretty true about my process. Had to go through the pain to be able to let it go, etc. The only main thing I would disagree with you is that I believe complete freedom is totally possible. I believe I am very close to it myself. My mother no longer has the power to wound me. I am 99% detached. I believe she has sensed this and has totally ratcheted down her attacks. I am at low contact with her, moving toward no contact, although she will never see my kids again. I have asserted my boundaries with her. Life is good. DON'T GIVE UP, PEOPLE. Keep believing in freedom, and believe in yourself!

[@nalayini1504]

This video and the previous one on scapegoating is giving me peace because Richard Grannon has articulated what it is that happens....I thought it was just me and indeed was made to believe that it was my dysfunction and that I was the problematic one. Thank God for this info....starting to breathe clean air now 🙏🏽

[@Anjelkiss]

I just made a visit home (death of my uncle) had not been home in 8 years. I literally was tag teamed (mother and sister) and verbally abused, grilled over things that happened 30 years ago, and made to feel like crap, that I was a liar, and that my thoughts, feelings and truths were wrong, and not welcomed. I stood my ground, but I contemplated walking out the door of my mother's house, had it not been 18 degrees out, and I had no car (flew home for the funeral) I would have left and never returned. The next day, I was exhausted, but they acted like nothing had happened. At breakfast, my mother decided to return for more arguing and I did leave at that point. It was a horrible attack at a time I was grieving , I learned a lot that day. I have now set boundaries for both of them, and have detached again. I did detach for years, but death can be opportunity for the narcissist to try to get a hook into you again. It is sad, but a very hard thing to come face to face with. I let them know that will be the last time they talk to me that way ever again.

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

"had it not been 18 degrees out, and I had no car (flew home for the funeral) I would have left and never returned." Essentially a captive, thats why the went so hard on you. Exploiting this rare opportunity to torture you to the full knowing they might not get such an opportunity again. The predatory nature of such a mindset is absolutely chilling. Im sorry you went through that. I recommend you try a period of total no contact if you can.

[@Anjelkiss]

Thank you for your response. My mother even came over to me and whispered into my ear " If you ever try to cut me off again, I will track you down like a hunted dog ! I could not believe she would do that, ridiculous. I told her I wasn't 15 anymore, knowing that I would soon tell her that was her last visit from me.

[@Anjelkiss]

And yes total and no contact is now in session.

[@katluna6834]

Linda Carrico I feel your pain! This is what always happened to me with my NM and my golden sister....they have always ganged up on me. I finally stood up to them when I noticed them verbally hurting my daughter,together! I confronted them,and I was also threatened by my NM- to basically surrender my control or else! I started no contact but once again they ganged up on me,and called DHS in on me. It did nothing- but take away from a child who really needed DHS! I am a good mother and it really opened my eyes.These Narcissists can be very evil! They were ready to hurt my child to win. That is just so sick! I have been trying to stay no contact and 100s of miles away! Still my mother will use anyone to abuse by proxy.I am basically hiding out for my own sanity and for the protection of my child! I do feel better the longer no contact goes on! Blessed Be!

[@Anjelkiss]

kat luna I do know what you mean ! Third time for no contact for me, then a death brings you home. It is best not to even let them know where you are, no address, or phone. I did that for 7 years, and it was heavenly! My children grew up not knowing what their abuse and drama was about . I plan to move cross country soon, and they will not be getting my new address

[@michaelsiletti7460]

My family needs me to be the crazy one for them to point at and for them to function. I am still trying to escape that role.

[@mikeshort7588]

The hardest thing I finally had to accept was the fact that my father has never loved me. As a teen and onto my twenties I had always figured he was just showing me tough love to make me a better person. But I was so wrong he actually just doesnt give a rats ass about me he could care less if I were to die. It has been hard to accept this reality but thanks to videos like these I have been able to cope and learn how to handle the situation.

[@johnrondeau8500]

Totally get it Mike

[@jennreeder9237]

I am 62 yrs old and finally understanding that about my father. My whole life, thought it was my fault and always trying to "do better". Very painful.

[@couried.9084]

Wow! Thank you for these tools to help me understand what has occurred in my family. Detachment is the only way. I tried to fight back and gained even more "goats". I have accepted how I feel. Doing my best to let me and the family I've made on my own be enough.

[@kathleenbooth508]

I spent my whole childhood being told and shown that iam less important than my friends and my younger sister, my father refused to drive me home from work at night because he said he needed to drive my friend home even though she had I lift from her boyfriend,he insisted I catch a bus a walk home in the dark. now as an adult he insist I drive him everywhere now he cant drive. the only time he talks to me he pretends care but there is aways a condition that I do something for him. it is never given freely given to me, I have told in uncertain terms I don't want anything more to do with ever.

[@sll110]

me too

[@jamiejame5769]

Your videos are LIFECHANGING for me. You have NO idea how much you've helped me! You should be a college instructor because they way you explain things is awesome. I usually get bored and tune people out, but you have a way of engaging my attention and helping me to understand the deepest and most painful dysfunction I have, which is is family trauma!

[@melissatorrisi1]

I love your message of transcending all the muck, and rising through it..just like the lotus flower..a beautiful analogy, thanks Richard. I also loved your message of no longer avoiding the pain, growing up (taking self responsibility), and becoming our OWN families. I have a picture magnet on my fridge that says “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves”. Of course, friends can hurt us too, but generally, if we choose wisely by really observing people’s actions, not just their words, we can have people in our lives forever who truly value and love us..the two things denied us so long by so-called ‘family’.

[@cprime4097]

I just found your channel. Thank you for what you do. It's hard figuring out your own dysfunctional family dynamic and where you are within it when your immersed in it and don't want to believe the truth of how your family actually perceives you. It's so confusing to have the ones who are supposed to love you help you but at the same time throw you hate. Your video on why your family hates you was the last piece of the puzzle for me. It tied everything together. My depression, anxiety, self sabotage, anger, etc is all crystal clear now. My fiancé is the one who helped set me on the path to healing. He had to teach me that people who love one another don't say mean things that can't be taken back. He is so good for me and this is mostly why my family does not like him. So thankful I'm transcending!

[@caracopland710]

8 mins 35 I ve had a complete change of belief of my past mistakes, being the scapegoat after v bad abuse + questioning for a DECADE " why r u not accepting me now." Same with bullying narcs - stuff them. Thanks Richard. Awesome! ❤️💪✌️🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

[@angelaelizabeth1754]

Thank you for your videos. Im on the path of healimg from a lifetime of being in a psychological prison and I woke up a year ago and got out of an abusive relationship with a covert Narc. I began to see so many similar patterns in my family and now it all makes sense. I don't want to be forced to go no contact but I find myself unable to be in the presence of my family without friction or arguments as they continue to treat me bad, and make me the scapegoat for nearly everything under the sun. Talking to them about anything never ends well. I'm torn between letting them all go and being at peace within myself as it's more difficult to deal now that I've begun speaking my truth because I can't share with any of them without repercussion.

[@maryallen9190]

One of the biggest problems that my sisters do to me is that they love to point fingers at me and dish the truth about what I did years ago. And then when I dish it back to me they get real defensive and say or make it look like I'm delusional and I need professional help. How can I strike back at their defense mechanism, because it really pushes my buttons and I often feel like smacking the shit out of them.

[@Louc72]

Just smack the shit out of them. But make sure there are no witnesses. Or bruising. :P (Kidding!) Seriously though - I can only come from a personal perspective - it took me 32 years to finally decide to kick my little brother out of my life after he took a sledgehammer to my whole life, and not for the first time. It's hard, but maybe you should start to prepare yourself for walking away if these people are using you as an emotional/social punchbag. Good luck!

[@claudiaolivosartstudio5471]

Louc72 and Mary Ellen... same here. After many, many years..finally ready to move on, finally *giving up*... and into freedom!

[@areuarealman7269]

It's OK I'm a junkie mad man eventually it will change next week I'm delusional and should just get paid because if I was earning money somehow that proves me sane again 😂.

[@a_womans_intuition7195]

You’re the first KZbinr that I heard someone say you need to fight back..I’ve always been taught obedience which led to huge amounts of anger and resentment. thank you 🙏 for these healing videos

[@SweetLivingByGrace]

Unfortunately, it takes about 30 years to even figure out what's going on simply because of personal maturation. When we're young, we're unaware that this is sort of a systematic mental illness or demonic force that exist within a family. We love these people almost to a fault because we are so blinded to the situation. We're conditioned to believe that our families are supposed to love us and so there is such a confusion when the behavior doesn't match our ideals of what family or love is to look like. They will say, "Family is all you have" or "Blood is thicker than water." These are tools to keep you attached to the pole so they continue to whip you. The truth is a jagged pill to swallow and it totally disrupts our reality in the most harshest and brutal way. The truth can even cause a break in a person's mental health. Estranging yourself from these people is unimaginable, but it is a healthy option. Like many have already commented, run! Run and do not look back. Not doing so was one of the biggest mistakes and regrets that I can say I've ever made in my life. Waiting too long can cause irreparable damage. And please DO NOT go back thinking they have changed because of time or age. They never will change. Forget setting boundaries in an effort to preserve the relationship. They will blow right through the boundary because they do not understand respect. You cannot give narcissists second chances. It only gets worse the second time around. There are billions of people on this Earth that have the capacity to love and carry on healthy, sane relationships. There is NOTHING that these types of people can do for you. They cannot give anything of true value. Not love, support, acceptance or any need you may have. Continue to love them from afar, pray for their souls, but do not connect by any means AND please seek therapy for yourselves.

[@grannybemx6729]

I realized this was happening to me in the last six months. It feels a like being in the twilight zone, honestly. I came across the first video by chance. Thank you. It sucks that so many people are victimized this way but it's nice to know I'm not alone.

[@livinglifedevoted]

I have recently, gradually allowed myself to disconnect from my toxic family. This video has somewhat validated for me that I've grown by doing so and that I've made a healthy and in my situation smart decision. Thank you!

[@user-yi2re8fh7d]

"Do not seek for consciousness where there is none" -- great advice. Thanks for your videos, I enjoy them and will share with friends.

[@VantaBlackin]

This definitely snapped me out of my delusional fantasy of helping everyone in my family heal. Idk what I was thinking.

[@azaramoon4027]

I now haw breast cancer, and they still attack me, no compassion at all.

[@terrencemalbrough5766]

+RichardGrannon I learned about this in therapy. my therapist says the family always picks out one person and dump all of their trouble and all of their grief and all of their dysfunctional on that one person. in my family I was that person. No matter what happened, I found myself by myself, and they were together. A lot of grief and guilt I felt in those days. like I wasn't good enough or weird. or, if someone there did me wrong it seemed to be....more ok than not ok. I'm still going through it but I'm noticing a shift happening. They're seem to be having conflict between their "click" and now they're trying to turn to me for "an ear". I don't play that. I love them but they really have hurt me in my life. and still try today. I'm strong now. I won't let anyone bring me down..ant least I try not to. it's like they say I love you while kicking me in the balls.

[@beauti547]

Terrence, you have said it all, the key in fight back is by loving them and use wisdom in dealing with them. l almost cry after reading your comment, dont worry, is just that you are a great child with a bright future, that is why the bad spirit are fighting you through your family. the key is to keep on loving them and also becareful because haters are the same as killers. if you are a bible readers, there is a boy boy called Joseph in the bible, he was the 11th child of his father, but he was been hated by all his brothers, i mean his brothers are ten in numbers and the ten brothers hated him simply because they forsee that he has a great destiny to rule over them in the future, Joseph did not realised that he is destined to rule over his elders brother in the future but his elders brother new it, this made his brothers planning to kill him, they tried all the could to kill Joseph but they failed in their mission, they decided to sold him out to a strange people, after selling him out, they went home and told their dad that Joseph was killed by a lion or animal in the bush , unknowinly to them that their evil plan, help joseph to later became a government or president in another country which he was sold to, and he bacame the ruller of that country, his brothers later felt guilty and apologised to him.

[@R50L8izm]

My self esteem is shattered if I had a reputation it's not looking good , my family just push me around because it makes them feel good.....they offer olive branches throughout my upbringing then withdraw them or hold these things against me. It's crushing and all they want is another apology from me expressing strength and opposition . They crank up pressure and then play dumb . You are right growth is key and they are scared of seeing their flaws . Even though they just highlight everyone else's. Thanks for your bravery expressing your strengths and sharing them . Spot on fred

[@AM-es5up]

I really appreciate your time, it’s really helpful to hear you talk about the real difficulties ingrained in ourselves and in life, also in difficult family relationships and the damaging results that has come from it over the years, the stoic or incredibly practical way you discuss this wonderful, and totally hits the nail on the head....thank you..!

[@jameshogue1639]

Amen , Brother! I'm follow you 100%! When you discover one thing and then go through and discover the extended family dynamics of abuse, those light bulbs of learning look like a Christmas tree of land minds. It's amazing the lengths at which the abusers will defend, defend, defend anything. They do that to either get away from what they know about themselves or what they will deny, deny, deny. " Don't #@$^$ talk to me like that"!! " Don't wrestle with a pig". 👍👍👍👍👍👍!

[@jaycapra6674]

This is great content. Laughed out loud a handful of times. Nothing like laughter to heal all of those childhood wounds

[@sethat8e]

That's interesting you bring up trolls... trolling to me is a very narcissistic act. Much like bullying in schools.

[@geoffmelling]

Richard has plainly met both my mother and sister. I still carry the scars of knowing these two monsters decades later.

[@Nika-yx7mi]

Don’t seek consciousness where there is none. Frick! I needed to hear that. Eckhart Tolle does it again.

[@LynnS-gd8wq]

Very good advice. You just have to grow up and become your own family. I’ve figured that out after many years. I wish more people could figure that out at a younger age and not waste so many years.

[@ponderdarlingmybustedheart]

My narcissistic abusive sister who did the most damage to me is a licensed therapist! How's that for some bullsh*t?

[@InfiniteSpiral112358]

i have watched quite a few of your videos. including the prequel to this one. more than once, the truth of it all, has had me in tears. you clearly have done your homework on this subject and are able to explain it in an easy to comprehend, and respectful way. not many can do that, so cheers, and thank you... thank you. these videos came in such perfect timing right now, that not only am i extremely grateful, i feel a bit stunned... you are saying so many things that i always understood in some way, and experienced often to an extreme, but never was able to explain properly. although i was never listened to when i tried. again, thank you. this does happen to quite a lot of people in varying levels, but it is quite rare for someone to just stand up and say "NO. this is *abuse* "... and that is exactly how and why the abuse continues even into next generations...because the moment you do something like that or even point out minor things for what they really are, you WILL become even more of a bulls-eye for more intense friction and venom than you were going through to begin with, and that is frightening almost to terror, especially when your mind has already been hardwired to feel fear, guilt, and always wrong. TRUE love, power, loyalty, trust and respect can *not* be *coerced*. any love, power, loyalty, or respect gained through fear and manipulation is *always invalid*. and you hit this one out of the ballpark... finally being able to see what is really happening is only the beginning. there is much work that needs to be done afterwards. i am going through it right now, and i make sure to make time every day to read, listen to, or watch interviews about Carl Jung's work, and his amazingly insightful views on the sub/unconscious mind and its impact on us, as well as many of his other insights.

[@sallyg723]

Thank you Richard. I needed to watch his again today after another bad dream about my family disapproving of everything about me, a lot of what I am most proud of. I’m no contact now for over 2 years. Didn’t do any good to try and talk to any of them. It just stirred up more group devouring everything I said to justify more gang up bullying. God this is awful.

[@jennakenna7252]

Thank you for this video it was much needed very helpful

[@claudiaolivosartstudio5471]

Thanks so much Richard! YOU rock! Please keep making these videos... it is SO important bc it is so difficult for us on the receiving end of Narcs. Narcs maintain a very "clean and perfect" appearance, so most often the outside world/other family/friends are not privy to the abuse which adds to the pain.... I have listened to several of your videos, but this is the one I keep coming back to... it is helping me so much. Thank you!

[@amykrulas4110]

You said it! One way is when they to do something so intensely diabolical AS AN ADULT AND WE'RE ON EVEN GROUND, oh the guilt disappears.

[@jmricht]

I like that you give answers. Bless YOU, Richard.

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

glad to have you here

[@TheRazzband]

I've been dealing with a narcissistic parent for ever it was only a few years ago I realized my mom was a narcissist and after a while I just didn't let her get to me I know she is wrong about me and she is just trying to get in my head but I still don't like living with her because of the toxic environment she's created my quote on quote "home" feels nothing less of a prison or purgatory

[@omoog]

"As a dog returns to his vomit so will a fool return to his way Do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample you and tear you apart" - Jesus

[@Clemburke1111]

I really learn a lot watching your vids. Thank you.

[@ComeOut.BeYeSeparate.]

Love This Richard Grannon... Raw... Humble... Honest... Vulnerable... Loving, Sweet and Kind... Don't ever try to change "this" Richard... You are a beautiful human being in this video! Being continually hurt by Narcissists can change us... Please Don't Harden your Heart...

[@petedragon2995]

Thank you so much for these video's. My family drove me to thinking I was crazy and I needed help. And in the beginning I believed them. I went through an angry phase and reacted in public, I sounded paranoid, and it was at this point that they involved the members of the community to get me to react again. This has turned into everyone jumping on the band wagon. It has been so hard because of ptsd. I tried so hard to make them understand. To no avail it just made things worse because now they knew my weakness. And they are still preying on me. Thanks again Pete.

[@melinademinova5417]

I feel like I'm gonna be scapegoated wherever I go.. I don't know what I do to these people.

[@fablife6236]

Exactly. I would rather be a black sheep and happy, than in a room full of mobbing BS....dueces and middle fingers. Do not believe in their lies about you to cover their family shame, especially in the case of sexual abuse. They have made their decision. Make your own and create a beautiful family without that crap.

[@Kemprix]

This is really helping me through the mud. Much appreciation from a fellow Northerner on a similar path going through seemingly similar shit, ditching a deeply traumatic family dynamic. Power to you man, cheers.

[@vickyabeautifulfilmthatdem2189]

Ross Rosenberg attributed the pig quote to George Bernard Shaw.. Thank you for this video! It is SO helpful to be reminded that painful experiences are natural on any path that is important to your happiness. Reminds me of the joke about 'tea-break over'. Seriously though what a relief to know that pains and suffering need to be acknowledged and not feared as, in my experience there is no other happiness than the journey towards insight into unnecessary suffering, the knowledge that change and transformation are inevitable and that happiness is waiting for us a a natural state. Thank you for your kindness and insights on this particular path which you map out so thoroughly. It is the warmth of your heart that binds us to you as family.

[@cathygoltsoff9615]

I am a scapegoat and I told my friend who is also a scapegoat and I try to explain to her the situation with regards to the opinions of others. I told her that “Mother Teresa” behavior would not be good enough. A family member constantly told me I was no good. It hurt and still does. When mean things were being said to me and I became aware of the dynamics I observed and listened and tried to change the subject without looking distressed (in my mind I thought this too shall pass).

[@implodex]

I’ve been moving on and trying to be a better person for some time now and they don’t like it. The better I get the more wrong I am to them. Thanks for clearing up things..

[@christineplaton3048]

Powerful message. Many valid considerations regarding abusers in family. Difficult to admit, the powerlessness and acceptance needed. You are a true realist, Richard.

[@QueenLanne]

Thank you Richard for your therapeutic videos, they are very enlightening. It was only until recently through watching videos like yours that I can begin to make sense of the pain and suffering I've experienced with my family. Never really thought being the black sheep was so bad growing up. Just thought I was different. But, some how on a deeper level I knew something wasn't quite right with how I was treated compared to my brother. Everyone seemed mad at me. But, despite being sexually abused as a child and all of the rejection I felt from my own broken family I thought I did ok...went to college got a job in my field got married and things seemed to be well on they're way for me to have a good life. However, a family member thought it was time to let me in on the big secret. The man my mother told me was my father and who I believed to be my father was not. I was 31 years old and it shook the foundation of my life. I felt my whole life had been a lie. Yet, now it made sense why my mother's ex husband, my "father" always seemed to be mad at me and why my alcoholic mother one day while she was drinking, "joking" told me I was a mistake. I think I might have been around 16 at the time. I still don't know who my real father is. When I questioned my paternity, I was met with so much anger as if it was my fault. Curiously, no one got mad at the person who told me. Everyone knew the secret but me. Yet, it still remains to be unresolved. I'm told by outsiders that the man who is my real father never claimed me. But, my mother still insists that her ex husband is. She nor any of my immediate family has ever reasoned with me about the situation and refuses to even see how it has effected me, as if I should be glad that they even let me into their family. But, with the help of these videos and seeing the psychology behind the nasscistic traits, it getting easier to say "F#*!k them!" I'm tired of feeling the pain and guilt of not fitting in and not truly being accepted and appreciated. I've felt for along time like I've been turned inside out...I now know it's part of my healing and your videos are the voice...the support...the guidance that's needed to press forward to a new life. Thank you 😊

[@kelliebilinski]

In my experience as my family scapegoat; toxic envy was the motivator for my abuse.

[@xrc7445]

Same. My father envious of my youth and potential, my sisters envious if me being thin and attractive by conventional stansards whereas they were obese.

[@dingsysaba]

I am going through this with my family. I have been through hell since I was 15 within a family of 7 people. For the first time in my life I feel like I can be happy because I was that piece of shit my whole life, but I now know it's not me, it's them! I am studying and happy and it must drive them all insane. Thankyou so much for posting this video it has helped me so much!

[@sasharoiz4061]

I loooove your comments as they are just so straight up and so TRUE! Thank you friend! I really needed your videos.

[@angela8351]

Every single day I watch a video of yours. They are all good. This one is a gem. So much truth, so much to take from. I continue to grow and become a little more free everyday. Thank you.