Eight Characteristics of a Narcissistic Family

In this video Darren Magee discusses eight typical characteristics of a dysfunctional narcissistic family. Looking at behaviours, beliefs and characteristics that make living in a narcissistic, dysfunctional family look like a cult. The different roles the children are put into and the narcissistic abuse.
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[@DarrenFMagee]

This is another older video I'd uploaded. I've tried to fix the sound a bit so hopefully it's easier to hear, if not I've also added subtitles.

[@shaneerasmus2591]

Thanks

[@anewchapter1336]

Thank you!

[@67cici]

Thanks

[@NoMoreHeroesAnymore1334]

Please put them all. I find you so soothing and helpful. It's like I open my head and find a tangle of Christmas lights and it's just hopeless, but you're that calm friend who comes up to my shoulder and says "Sure, it's a mess, yes, but let's detangle it together." Thank you for existing and doing what you do.

[@earlyriser438]

Hello Darren, thank you for your videos. My family not only was a cult in the sense you explained in the video, but we were also in an actual doomsday cult. May I ask where your accent is from? My great-grandmother's family moved to Canada from county Cork in Ireland and you sound just like nanny and aunt Ethel. They were also Magees.

[@kimberly1221]

1. Negative (often conflicting) messages 2. Unkind humor 3. Lack of empathy and understanding 4. Unclear boundaries 5. Feelings are not acknowledged or respected 6. A lack of real communication 7. Divide and conquer…triangulation 8. Secrets and shame And…IMAGE IS EVERYTHING!

[@taraarrington2285]

Yes. They all punish you for whatever they feel like. It's hard to keep track of what they believe you're doing wrong.

[@myjourneytotruth]

😊 ty

[@luisapaza317]

How many times the prestige of my mother would have be in first place over my well-being. Its ridiculous what they are capable to do (or not to do, by negligences) to a child. I have longstanding scars for sure. My mother seems pretty normal, who could said that she isn't that healthy. For every problem I have, she is a bludgeon. Just because she is a mother, she expects me to trust her. We had a talk today and well, once again I'm the crazy subject on his island. Of course I know well enough who she is, but not every problem can end in conflict. Being a child of an immature (and narcissistic) parent hurts too much. I can't wait to be an adult.

[@L5biszz]

amen

[@johnton6488]

Shajt, like they all of them were coming to the same training...

[@realhealing7802]

The gaslighting and triangulation was unbelievable in my toxic family. Lies and secrets were normalized as I did this for your protection. I finally had enough. No contact was my only option. This toxic family system will never change.

[@annettemoorshead7019]

I'm with you, me too!

[@LittleLulubee]

It wasn’t until my 30’s or 40’s that I actually realized the level of serious, long-term BLATANT LIES that my narc mom and sister had been sincerely and “lovingly” saying to my face FOR DECADES. Totally unbelievable how some people can be so SOULLESS.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

That's right. Will never change. The dysfunction is just too deeply engrained. It's normal to them.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

And it's generational. It dawned on me one day recently that my mother did a particular thing when she was younger, my sister (her daughter) repeated that act eventually, and then her daughter( my niece and my mom's granddaughter) did the exact same thing. And I am like 🙄

[@mfar3016]

I grew up in a similar dynamic. My grandmother was the ringleader and manipulated everyone in different ways, my mother was her enabler. I’m just learning about it, when I started watching these videos. I hadn’t realized that my ex wasn’t the first narc in my life.

[@martiwalsh2069]

Confront them ONCE with the truth. Just once. Your punishment will be so sudden and so severe that you may choose to never try that with them again.

[@aquateal384]

That, and you will be on trial for the rest of your life. If you stick up for yourself when you're 12, they'll bring it up in your 50s and you will NEVER be forgiven.

[@martiwalsh2069]

@@aquateal384 ...AND be told you are sick, simply SICK for avoiding the family who continues the pattern while denying they've done anything wrong!

[@AlastorTheNPDemon]

Yeah, I did that rarely but I was always punished severely for it then guilt tripped with a moral outrage afterwards. Just about everyone in my family saw themselves as above criticism, so I just lied my ass off about my attitudes and occasionally events as well. I can't say I miss any of these people, because they were all aggressive and raged about the dumbest things. Oftentimes someone else would catch the bad sentiments of another, but I was the one who always had to hear about it while the person in contempt got to live out their life confrontation free. In my experience, with great power comes great relief from accountability.

[@NoMoreHeroesAnymore1334]

I learned eventually that logic, facts, reason, etc, are somehow NOT RELEVANT to them, at all. It sounds like you got that one sooner than I did: I thought "Maybe I didn't explain it well," at first and just kept trying--and getting laughed at, punished, mocked, etc. So I opted to make a note of their trash behavior and then a few weeks later, mysteriously, for NO REASON AT ALL some electronic thing They treasured would just....break. Sometimes Karma needs helper agents, you know, like Santa....XD. (I'm not advocating this, exactly...but some of my revenges still make me smile up into the dark when I'm laying in bed at night. No regrets except that I didn't do more of that...in Minecraft. It let me hang onto a tiny piece of sanity and self-worth, somehow.) I feel like narcs keep doing it because they KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT!

[@tonyschwartz6712]

I was naive and confronted my father in counseling. Been quite a ride ever since to shut me up. Jesus set me free and I found peace and I hope everyone on here will to. There is a demonic spirit of narcissism and spirits associated with it get passed down. Deliverance is possible. We have to forgive and that is very hard when we have been so victimized. The power of the Holy Spirit makes it possible. Narcissists lie when it's just as easy to tell the truth. Satan is the Father of lies. Thus, narcissists serve Satan. God loves you all and I pray you all find the peace God wants you to have.

[@Grassmonster3]

My mother didn't exactly ignore my feelings - she filed away what hurt me, what made me sad and would bring it out as a weapon at a later date. I learned not to show what made me happy because it would be sabotaged and not to show what made me sad because I'd be bludgeoned with it.

[@etaokha4164]

Gosh I was the scapegoat child. I escaped and didn't go back. Its like a cult and everything is negative nothing positive and you'll end up being depressed and hating yourself but you can choose yourself over them. I chose myself over my narcissistic family.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I went no-contact with my narc dad on Easter, I de-programmed myself from his b.s.!

[@garryleach767]

Using a child as an emotional toilet is the lowest of the low.Parental alienation comes a close second .These narcs are a curse to humanity ,and the spirit behind it is demonic.

[@cameron2506]

I was abused and neglected by both my parents. I only realised after I had kids of my own. I love my kids. How did my parents not love me.

[@yamlwoz]

@jambofi because they are evil through and through. Love doesn't live there, so they have none to give. The fault is theirs, certainly not yours. Be proud of the parent you are, and will continue to be. I reparented myself alongside my children as I raised them. It hasn't been easy but it sure is worthwhile.

[@LittleLulubee]

Because they’re not capable of love. They don’t even love themselves.

[@rbjerineck]

Same. As a teen, the abuse was normal, the way my dad was being nasty to me in front of people to humiliate me was normal. Now that I'm a mom, I'm thinking how on earth could he be so nasty towards his own kids. I would never use my kids as laughing stocks or point out what they did wrong to others, to make them feel "less than". When my sister introduced her first boyfriend to my dad, he took him on the side and told the guy to get tested for Aids, because "you never know where she has been". It was awful, but normal to us. And that's the worst of the whole thing, we were used to being seen as "awful" for just doing normal things.

[@taraarrington2285]

Yes

[@deanpapadopoulos3314]

I hear you. My parents treated me in ways I would never treat anyone.

[@mfar3016]

You just described my entire upbringing. It wasn’t until I was in my 20s that I started to discover what normal families are like.

[@jeanettecook1088]

You're not alone. Recovery is difficult, but it's very well worth the effort. 🎉

[@spacegirl226]

I'm in my early 40s, and I still don't know.

[@jeanettecook1088]

@@spacegirl226 I was 33 when I had the first sign of narcissistic abuse. I went through 6 months of therapy to find out what actually happened to me. This period only opened the door onto greater knowledge and recovery. I'm 67 now, and every morning I go through my sayings and self talk. I was so badly treated that I'm sure I won't fully recover...a human lifetime may be too short for that. I don't know. If that's the price I pay for my freedom, so be it. Freedom is priceless. I have a farm now (which the narc previously stole from me), am very happily married, 😊 and I look forward to every day.

[@bbdn5123]

@@jeanettecook1088 Your statement is so powerful. Thank you for sharing. You seem like a knowledgable person with all this life experience. I'd like to ask something, since it feels like I'm in dire need... How do you cope with the feelings of hopelessness, anger and pure sadness? When I wake up it's like my soul is grieving, I start to cry. It seems overwhelming to me. Haven't been able to cry for a few years, so I prayed for this to happen back then. Now it's happening and I'm too afraid for the emotions, they're intense. So then I start running away from it. I'm trying to "accept", I don't know what that means... Also what made you able to trust your partner? And can I ask if you had therapy? May we be guided and healed by our Protector, ameen 🌌💖💫

[@bbdn5123]

@@jeanettecook1088 oh after the 6 months therapy, did you get additional therapy later?

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

"feelings are not acknowledged or respected"- Yes.

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

I always felt invisible. Apparently it's a common thing for us.

[@singstreetcar5881]

Watching this video is so validating. The mocked me non stop cause I was tall and skinny. It was constant harassment. The more I fought back they more the taunting became worse

[@constancedenchy9801]

Never having my achievements recognized 💯 %

[@paulweber1095]

Wish I had known about this years ago - been hell living as the scapegoat in my sick toxic family with whole lots of abuse secrets

[@shanerob681]

I married into a narcissistic family and they absolutely raise their children to put on a perfect face for the world. Meanwhile, they are constantly scheming and triangulating behind the scenes. My soon to be ex husband is a vulnerable narcissist and his narcissistic mother was constantly meddling in our marriage. Although he would sometimes express his hatred for her, he was loyal to her first. I am so glad to be away from them and wish I knew about narcissism before I got involved in that relationship. Thank you for your informative videos.

[@Books_Makeup]

This sounds familiar. It's hard to tell who to marry because even if they are a great person. The family is a package deal.

[@tina8796]

My ex-mother-in-law meddled in my marriage and in fact all three of her son's marriages. And that is why she's an EX ! Her son was a horrible husband so it was a win-win situation getting away from both of them

[@jann9507]

Narcissistic family cult characteristics: 0:30 worship factor in pecking order 1:01 speak negative messaging ; approval being withheld; neglect on off switch; conditional love 2:20. Unkind humor, sarcasm and jokes with jabs; fear and humiliation 3:18. Lack of empathy; threats and guilt tripping; fear and obligation 4:32 unclear boundaries; enmeshment; children learn about disapproval ; no difference between love and respect 4:49. Feelings are not validated; only the matriarchs feelings matter; kids not taught how to understand their own feelings; taught to suppress their feelings 6:50 lack of communication; constant triangulation 7:38. Create mistrust; create golden child 8:14. Hides and has Secrets and shame. Emotional neglect of kids and treatment of partner is horrible. Instill fear and keep external appearances

[@janetpattison8474]

There was much more, but Part of my narc dad’s abuse was name calling, which he thought was very creative & fun. My pre-teen & teenage sister was called “blubber-butt”, another sister was called “Formaldehyde”, I’m female & I was called “John”, my brother was called “my little girl”. He ruined our family in a variety of ways.

[@ginajenkins8666]

My father called me "Weiner J. Poops" It's unbelievable to me now.

[@sheilaalawdi591]

So sorry dear one. The worst I was called was "sensitive" and "nasty girl". Are you recovering these days? I hope you are. Please be just as good to yourself as you would be to someone you really care about ok?

[@TaxingIsThieving]

I want to know the origin of those names...

[@NoMoreHeroesAnymore1334]

Stories like this one on top of my own make me wish for a button that said "DELETE ALL NARCS FROM THE MULTIVERSE FOREVER." I'd slam that button so hard I'd break the console and keep slamming it until security pulled me away, too--with NO REGRETS. I'm sorry he did that to you and your siblings. That was f-ed up and NOT OKAY and he's a jerk waste of molecules. You deserve so much better and I hope you find it.

[@colours01]

My fathers nickname for me growing up was little cow. Looking back I realise how damaged and traumatised my parents were. I still stop myself in situations to try to examine how I felt before “ reacting” with my son.

[@El-ks4ff]

Thank you. It took many years for me to understand that there is nothing wrong with me. I simply did not fit in the family I was born into. I was unwanted from the start. And when I refused to conform I was treated like an alien: you are weird and too sensitive, and endlessly told you should, ought and must.

[@jennywilson3740]

Wow, I could have written that comment. It took me a long time to see the light.

[@edwhite7475]

Me too...i was the 'odd man out'. The only one to graduate HS. The only one who didnt smoke cigarettes or , later on, inject heroin or cocaine or meth. But i smoked pot and snorted cocaine and since i was the oldest i got blamed. When my Dad said he'd beat my 6 month old daughter for crying i said oh hell no you wont. And i didnt go back for 5 years. I shouldnt have ever gone back. They left half a million to the junkie, and $100 to me.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My narc dad has no reason to treat me like crap. For my own protection, I am not in contact with him. I deserve better than him-me!

[@DC71235]

This is how I feel!

[@nancyhjort5348]

Interesting how when I knew nothing about narcissism, dysfunctional families, emotional abuse, or roles assigned in a family, that I began pursuing studies, on my own time, about cults. How did they function? What led people to commit suicide? What was the personality of the leader, the men, the women, the children? I related my own family history to the similarities in a cult. It was just the beginning to escaping my imprisonment. Thank you for your teaching, Darren. It has further honed the edges of my escape knife.

[@Brittany25-j6f]

Very well explained! The nasty "humor" especially resonated with me. And the total lack of support or empathy. And the use of any objection to this treatment as fodder for more criticism, e.g. "You're too sensitive! You're too defensive!"

[@LittleLulubee]

Yup, that sounds exactly like my family. My parents loved to mock me, and if I protested, they would just laugh more and say “Oh c’mon, it’s just a joke!” and keep mocking.

[@Emile-philia]

'Fodder' is a great choice of words. It is simply not a defense, but an opportunity to criticise further.

[@blueberryney]

Yup, I have memories of being told to stop crying, take the jokes, etc

[@ellensee4660]

A very good description of my family. at 70 I still feel disloyal for even saying so ,and the parents are long gone. all siblings hate each other and are estranged. I didn't marry and had no children because I knew not to pass it all on. I am glad that videos like this exist so that younger people have a chance to see what is going on and a framework to put it in. maybe they can get help to get out of the traps. I believe all families carry patterns that are passed on and all people have grief and hurt at times in life and that we are living in very insecure and troubled times,so that unravelling causes is tricky. whatever conditions and circumstances are upon us we remain as beings to whom it is natural to love and enjoy company of others ,even if that is problematic and sparse. one can only do ones best .

[@bmedhi1592]

Hugs

[@ellensee4660]

@@bmedhi1592 Thankyou!

[@Being_Bohemian]

💜

[@patmelton43]

Oh, my! You are describing my childhood. It was a nightmare trying to grow up in my home. I told myself "I have to escape this insanity and I will. I have to get out of this place if its the last thing I ever do." I became a rebel (with restrictions on myself). I was too insecure to be a real rebel, so I lived a lie. Always trying to escape the worst punishments just to survive. We were beaten, smothered and ridiculed. No matter how hard life gets, it is easier than growing up in my sick family.

[@spindrifter7519]

This rang a very loud bell multiple times for me. My ex wifes family is like a Cult. I would be at their Family gatherings and they used to ignore non-family members and act like they were superior to everyone else. The 'Worshipful Leader' is my ex wifes Mother. The most disagreeable, bullying, manipulative, callous & passive aggressive person I have ever come across. My ex is just like her (sadly) and her Son and Daughter are the same. All manipulative, guilt tripping, unkind humour and bullying individuals who look after number one and none of them have a genuine caring bone in their body. Their needs are paramount. I have thought for a very long time that all my ex's problems stem from the cult of her Mother but I cant really blame her mother because she was probably raised by her Mother in the same way. It is tragic for all concerned but especially their victims who loved them deeply and tried & tried and tried even to the point of making themselves ill. I still Love my wife but I left her because she is toxic just like the rest of her family, their very harmful cult.

[@LittleLulubee]

Everyone is always to blame for their bad behavior- regardless of how they were raised. There’s no excuse.

[@aspartamekillsyaknow9019]

I feel ya. Sounds just like my gfs family

[@deanpapadopoulos3314]

You are talking about my second wife and her family to a tee.

[@blk1735]

Yep, we decided to move far away from my husband's family and I, the daughter in law, no longer visit.

[@mtheinvincible4156]

Sorry to hear this, Spindrifter. I hear ya, too. In my case, I myself grew up in this kind of cultish environment and have had to go virtually no contact with 4 of my 5 siblings. In addition I tend to get attracted romantically to other individuals and guess what? I meet their family/friends of that beloved and the same cult like pattern are there. I can spot these patterns fast now after some therapy, a men's; support group and these helpful videos like Dennis puts out here.. Then it's breakup time for me. My challenge is to learn to love differently and consciously choose other people. not to allow myself to get romantically sucked in to the eerily familiar unconscious auto-pilot attractions that repeat the cult dysfunction.

[@theunknowngamer5477]

After watching...and learning....from this video, I can now graduate from thinking the family I have inherited is a cult: They are Monsters.

[@sorayasunra6036]

swamp creatures

[@heartburn6160]

What you say is pure truth at its finest. You did forget one small detail, however, saying, "You will never amount to anything."

[@l.5832]

I was always told that I'd fall flat on my face without them....then they discarded me! I own my own home, work full time, and have money in the bank. So no face plant here......

[@heartburn6160]

@@l.5832 Good for you! You proved them wrong. I wish you continued success.

[@alrinaleroux9229]

"You are useless; you will never amount to anything, and people will discover eventually how useless you are." I think my father felt threatened and insecure due to our university education -- education made possible by bursaries. It ended well, though. Thanks to the grace of God (the God of the Bible, of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob -- the only true God) he was able to repent in time and die in right standing with Him. (I was there at his death bed, it was very inspiring to witness his peaceful demeanour. Now I have to endure to the end myself. That is my most important aim in life. I cannot deserve to go to heaven, but if I'm not careful, I can miss it.) I'm very glad that my mother left him when my brother and I were little. It helped that we only discovered his bad side as young adults. My problem was that I had put him on a pedestal all through my childhood, and it was heartbreaking to discover that I'd been mistaken.

[@KiltedDaddyBear]

Thank you! I was the first child, and grew-up being voted about due to an odd medical situation that my birth had an effect of affecting my mother 's future births. My sister almost didn't survive, and my parents were told an third child would most likely be terribly defective in mind and body. It wasn't that 'I" did this, but I was the subject of years of verbal abuse as if I had 'done this'. It was fair game for everyone, and I have never forgotten the abuse done me. Yes - the narcissistic family can indeed be this. And I? I finally walked away with having nothing to do with people who do this, and I will never see them again.

[@LittleLulubee]

Good for you! 👍

[@TheAshesArt]

You didn’t ask to be born, you didn’t deserve any of the blame. It’s awesome that you got away.✨

[@janetpattison8474]

CONGRATULATIONS! !

[@rozdoyle8872]

Good on you , well done , have a good wholesome life without their heavy cross on Your Back.

[@IWillHumbleMyself]

The constant emotional manipulation and threats to abandon me and throw me out of the house onto the street when I was pre-teen and teen, and even after I became an adult and moved out and was married with a family of my own, it was always threats of disowning me if I didn't let her control me and my life and make the decisions she wanted me to make or take her advice that I didn't want. After being disowned twice with two reconciliations, I finally made the decision on my own to walk away and say that's enough, no more. I'm not going to be manipulated and controlled and live in constant fear of disapproval and disownership and rejection. It was a painful decision, but it's been about 18 years now and I have my own life, a good life without them, and I have peace with myself and with God.

[@LittleLulubee]

Good for you! 👍

[@deanpapadopoulos3314]

I’m very happy for you. I did the same thing. I have no regrets.

[@wishfulbeauty]

Thank GOD JESUS SHOWED UP . 🙌 I’ll take HIM AND WITH HIS PEACE over heathens and feral wickedness. Does it suck. Yep . God is GOOD and truthful and faithful with being fruitful w his grace and mercy. I am so thankful I am a FRUIT TREE 🙏

[@dianajane6185]

From my perspective, you got this exactly right. My older brother, the Apple of Mother’s eye, teased me, in my early childhood unmercifully about inane things like wanting something or liking something. Locked me up, tried to light me on fire, tried to talk me into holding live battery wires while he started a lawnmower, used to hold a flaming lighter to the bottom of my foot, once dumped a jar of tarantulas down my shirt to amuse our male cousins. Until I listened to this, neither I (or my therapist to my knowledge) knew exactly why I feel but cannot show my true emotions, why I have random anxiety-provoking phobias but I am dead-calm and clear-headed in real life threatening situations. Until I heard this, it never occurred to me consciously that Mother allowed this abuse, and he knew he would get away with it. He had her coloring; I took after my father.

[@LittleLulubee]

My younger, (but physically stronger), golden brother also bullied me for decades- at my mother’s bidding. She would just brainwash him against me and set him on me. And she got to sit in the background acting innocent and asking me disingenuously why I always complained about my brother. Sick, vile and twisted. They’ll both R.O.T IN H.E.L.L 😡😡

[@alter-ego-uno]

That is beyond narcissism ------ that's overt abuse.

[@Brittany25-j6f]

I am the same way! If it's a really stressful situation that would freak most people out I can stay calm, but other situations that many people would not take much notice of will trigger flashbacks for me!

[@rupinderh01]

Me too....calm in stressful real world situations eg got hit by a car, I was calm and got witnesses. At home , parents shouting at me, I don't show emotion. I rarely cry even though yrs of trauma from narc family

[@joywebster2678]

Thanks for your comment about coloring and who looks like who in the narc family. I was the only blonde blue eyed child in a family of brown eyed, olive complected people. 3 sisters. But I am a blonde version of my Dad. I was the family scapegoat from birth. For family vacations we'd drive long hours to the east coast. I was never permitted to sit on the car seats by my 2 older sisters. I had to sit on a folded blanket in the wheel well. Well what a surprise I got car sick, so mom shoved meds down my throat that knocked me out. I never understood why I couldn't sit on the big bench back seat (pre seat belts, big 1970s cars) just becuse my sisters wanted to sit sidewise. I couldn't sightsee from the floor, drugged up. Why didn't my contolling parents make THEM sit properly and make room for me? As you described my mother just ignored my torture in favour of her 2 favorites, and the baby was up front with her. Knocked out was good then they'd forget to feed me, and not need to hear from me for hours. My sisters would act up when anyone admired my then shiny bright blonde hair. They'd poke make faces ruining photos..making it my fault. So yes narc parents can side with their look alike kids and torture the different kid just because they are "other".

[@mfar3016]

The communication/flying monkey/passive aggression is spot on!!!

[@Jeanne90275]

Projecting the flaws of the parent onto the child even when wildly inappropriate, financial generosity because of how it looks to the outside world, acceptance in a given situation when others are around only to verbally annihilate the child later in private, and deep resentment when the child is in a happy situation as if happiness is a zero sum game where the child's happiness somehow is at the expense of the parent...those are some of the behaviors I grew up with.

[@Noitkidda]

Thank you for this, exactly what i needed. Just been dumped after 9 months out of the blue off my ex who had 2 children who saw me as their Dad. I've been struggling the past week to make sense of it all, but this has made me flash back to the way she controls her children and behaves with them, and the way they behave. Dragging them by the arms round the supermarket because they weren't "sticking to the rules" absolutely mental and so glad to be out of there, i feel so bad for the kids though maybe thats what the grief is...

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

Well, all that I can say is that I was correct in leaving and correct in staying way. What you said was nearly identical in totality but exact with regard to certain aspects of the house that I grew up in and the parent-child relationship. By the time I was completing high school, I had the mindset: "I'm going to get out of this place if it's the last thing that I ever do."

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

The worse thing is that, for all practical purposes, all my siblings never left, and their lives reflect that they never left- going no where fast, substance abuse, dysfunctional relationships, neediness- the whole gamut. While in grad school, I remember hearing that the average American lives within a 50 mile radius of where they grew up. Well, your video explains a part of the reason why. It's cyclical.

[@clairejohnson6522]

@@jeffreyjackson5229 I can relate to what you say.Also went no contact."The Animals",lyric also resonates.Sending a hug across the pond.

[@deanpapadopoulos3314]

I hear you. I did the same thing. And I don’t regret it.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

@@deanpapadopoulos3314 My youngest half-sister (we have the same father) asked if I had any regrets about leaving, not once, but twice on two different occasions. Of course, both times I said not at all, but when she asked the second time I said, "she regrets not leaving and knows that she should have."

[@gypsylee73]

A psychologist once said to me "you've never had unconditional love you poor thing." That was eight years ago. It is only now I realise both parents are toxic because my father is protecting his second wife in the same way. I rebelled against them from a very young age. I never knew why. Now I find photos where my brother and I look really scared. My brother died at 33yo from an accidental drug overdose. I nearly died because of my alcoholism. I'm getting away from them soon. And I will not go back.

[@izawaniek2568]

This is exactly what happens in a cult like narcisistic family. I know it first hand. Thank you for a very detailed description and very accurate examples. Spot on! Thank you for your expert analysis.

[@staciewhite6442]

Profoundly accurate. A man broke into our home growing up and tried to kidnap my brother and sister. We were not only smiling and on time for church but told not to speak of the “event”. Just one of the multiple things that my parents perpetuated.

[@camellia8625]

It is hard to fathom such prioritisation of appearance given the extreme incident prior. Surreal

[@aliceroberts1980]

Thank you for the video having my Mother’s Day ruined by my narcissistic husband because it not about him

[@susansheldon2707]

You're not alone. I'm a strong person and stand up for myself (to my husband and his extensive narc family), but that means there's often intense tension between the two of us because he, too, wants everything to be about him and for him. He's in a black mood more often than not, in fact, but NOPE, I'm not accommodating that anymore. Still, there's always a price to pay for treating ourselves with respect, isn't there?

[@diane5593]

​@@susansheldon2707hi Susan, you just told my story.And yes it can happen,if you stand up to them they will back down,and I can only be pushed so far!! Narcs. My mother, husband, his mom and dad.should have run years ago.

[@susansheldon2707]

@@diane5593 I did leave, but not running. I stood up straight and walked out of our so-called (45-year) marriage after he blew up at me this past January when I said I wanted the two of us to come up with a 5-year plan going into retirement. He was enraged at the suggestion anything between us should include consideration of what I want. Silly me. There was a lot more to it that's way too extensive to describe, but in that moment when he finally lost control of himself and absolutely exploded with his contempt for me, I was finally done. I told him I was leaving as soon as we divided up our financial assets. A lawyer/mediator walked us through that, after which I decided on a place to live, having ceded the house to him as part of the asset division. And now I'm living 400+ miles away from him. Moved here three months ago and, while starting a new social life will prove challenging for me, I have slept better than I had for the last three decades under the same roof with him, and I have felt better and become healthier than I thought possible at my age (68). It's possible. I didn't plan or expect this, but when I finally had enough and bottomed out toward him, it just became the only thing to do: to leave for my sanity while I have some years left to enjoy life.

[@keturahspencer]

I find this video frightfuly relatable.

[@taniabluebell3099]

I’ve mostly come to terms that my siblings will never challenge my parents. They were the last thread that kept from leaving. In 2020 I took long walks outside during lockdown. It was during these walks that the anger suppressed toward my siblings rose to the surface. My anger with them was for never defending me and keeping me at arms length when we became adults. When I finally realized they were never going to show up for me I began making plans to go no contact. I didn’t think my story would be so similar to others who had gone no contact. I found myself experiencing hoovering and even reconnected with a couple siblings for a short time. Thank you for the content. The examples you listed hit close to home because I lived it.

[@Being_Bohemian]

Years of that supressed anger, when it surfaces, is utterly overwhelming, isn't it...

[@MissyQ12345]

I feel like I am surrounded by entitled people -- I am the black sheep. Since early childhood, being alone at home with older brother and sister, I was scared all the time. They had physical fights, and I hid in the closet till mom and dad came home from work. Now that mom and dad are gone, my safety net is also gone. They gang up on me -- siblings and their children. Their kids think they own the world. When my middle niece learned she was not listed anywhere in my parents' will, she wanted to know why she wasn't included. She moved here to live with my brother and make sure she got her share! Geez. If I really spoke my mind, I would not be "safe." I would be punished. I'm still scared.

[@cindy7733]

"you're ok when I'm ok" omg!!! SO TRUE!!! Everything you have said is spot-on! This has been my life for 51 years. Ugh.

[@alrinaleroux9229]

Praise His Holy Name. Wishing you all the best.

[@anewchapter1336]

This was so perfectly timed with what I am dealing with my husband and his narc family. Thank you Darren!

[@sheilaalawdi591]

So sorry. One day I hope we will be able to brush it all off. But for now, let's find comfort in knowing that we weren't the ones "who wet the bed and blamed the sheets or blankets" lol

[@lindabuonline]

You have described my family so accurately that it's almost like a perfectly fit math or economic model. I wish I watched your video when I was growing up, but that's long time ago and it was impossible. I suffered under my narcissistic parents, especially my narcissistic mother, terribly who behaved exactly like what you just described. The love is conditional, and because you never reach the condition, I can never love you. That's what my mother tells me. And she has such bitter fights with my passively narcissistic father all the time. Then she would put on her best behavior to be nice to others who don't need her to be a mother. Everybody else thinks she is a wonderful friend and everybody else is her flying monkey. She just so passionately hate me and hate my father. It's so unbelievable. I never complained to anybody since I imagined everybody is her flying monkey. She complained about my sulkiness and sullenness to others all the time and everybody thought I was the problem.

[@darrynreid4500]

The cult description is very accurate, and a dominant feature that does not appear to be discussed as often as it ought to be, perhaps because people focus more on the individual than the dynamics they drive in a family situation. Like any other cult, it centres on a self-designated hero figure with an authoritarian structure of dominance and submission radiating outwards, carrying required thoughts, feelings and behaviours with a system for the detection and punishment of divergence from these requirements. The requirements can change without notice to excerise the punishment system, which is its own special little treat for these kinds of people.

[@imnoel8214]

Thank you, the audio sounds great. Your description of the narcissistic family as a cult is pretty much spot on with my family experiences. I can remember behaviours from years ago and identify them now as toxic, and that helps me.

[@gingercurlygirl6943]

Darren, you pretty much describerd my family to a T, including my extended family on my father's side. Not only was I the Scapegoat in my immediate family, but there was alot of Generational Trauma overlying everything. We were the "Looks good on paper" family, the Pillars of the community, the regular church-goers, my mother even organised the diocese annual trip to Lourdes! I couldn't talk to my mother about anything, because she weaponised it, so I stopped telling her anything. My youngest brother has previously asked me why I hate our mother - wrong question to the wrong person. I don't hate her, I just choose to not really have much of a relationship with her, because there was never a bond there to work with.

[@janehart5016]

Darren, thank you so much for all your videos. It's eye opening, crucial especially when one is being targeted by such brain-washing, sick environment which narcs create. You have helped me tremendously. You have a very kind, warming voice and you explain these complicated things so simply. One has to have a true talent to do that. Thank you!

[@Fruitful888]

You Took the words right out of my mouth! Yes..thank you Darren!

[@brain-voice]

Thank you for this concise description. One legacy of growing up this way is the confusion I feel when I try to describe it. Now I can just send this video along. :)

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

My mom would always say in a joking manner a lot…” thanks alot for ruining my life”.

[@dreamyk8461]

my mom would threaten to put me in a foster home, I started asking “when?”

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I can relate, Dad is the narc and I was ready to ship him off!

[@wishfulbeauty]

I think all NARCS sell their children out or keep them in my case because she collected my fathers social security death payment on behalf to care for me since he (died) so young and I 11 years of age. So once she realized that if she sent me to FOSTER CARE / THE STATE the state wud be getting that check monthly and not the evil narc mother . So I was kept and told she never had any money , lived at my grandmothers and left to lay w men and carry a full bag of prescription pills around . Along with calling me a SPOILED UNGRATEFUL BRAT and making lies all around me how dysfunctional I was when I would stand up to her and or call her out on her lies. I left / fled at 17 years of age . She’s def heading fast to hell dancing obviously with the devil at that level of no regard or fear 🤷🏼‍♀️ I have prayed and forgiven. I gave her over to GODS HANDS and thanked God he didn’t make me like her or my heart to do such wickedness

[@tarp11z]

This is a great observation. The details of the narcissistic hive mind is worth discussion. As the scapegoat I have lived this out, and Darren is spot on.

[@SELFTalkNarcisismo]

Greetings from Spain, Darren. You have a great channel 👍🏻

[@AnneLien1987]

Dr darren really deserves more subscribers. I have learned so much from dr Darren! This video literally described, word for word, my childhood. The ultimate Satan was my grandmother and her little Satan was my mother. And dad was the slave to Satan. I have been suffering for 35 years.

[@gracesixty3666]

Thank Dr Magee for this video. My narcssitic daughter in law stopped me seeing my grandchildren after I was in bed ill and I couldnt look after them for the weekend while her and my son went away for the weekend, that was 3 years ago, before that for 18 years I looked after my grandchildren for the day every Sunday since they was born, took them on days out and rainy days stayed in baking cakes, playing games and they had sleepovers at my home, too many to count. The past 3 years I had a breakdown becuase of the stress of not seeing the chidlren and not being able to understand why or what happened. The children they live 10 mins walk away from my house and yet I have no conatct. I cannot understand why they havent, we always had such a close and happy andloving relationship until their mother stopped them from seeing me. I am 70 yrs old live alone and I pray every day that one day the grandchildren will come and visit me, I still have on my phone all their text messages from before saying how much they love me. I still cry everyday and hope they will remember my love. , I tried to make my home a safe haven of uncondtional love , how can they just forget that.

[@martineflynn3573]

Oh, bless you. This broke my heart. You did not deserve this x much love

[@LittleLulubee]

Have you tried talking to your son? He needs to be a man and take control of the situation.

[@gracesixty3666]

@@LittleLulubee when I got the text from my DIL saying as I couldnt be bothered to look after the kids for the weekend, it proves I don't care about them and they no longer want anything to do with me. I was shocked beyond words. I went to their house but my son and DIL wouldnt answer the door, my son and DIL refuse to answer all my phone calls, texts and letters. It was the 1st time in 18 yrs I couldnt look after them as I was in bed too ill to move. I had a severe chest infection and my neighbour was coming in to help me. That was 3 years ago and I have had no contact whatsoever. It has trully broken my heart. It is my only child who used to be such a loving son, and I still have lots of texts on my phone from my grandchildren saying they love me, But the past 3 yrs Nothing. I cannot get my heard around it at all. It is devastating. From them being born I looked after them every week and looked after them regulary while my son and DIL went away for the weekend . How can they all forget my love, I just can't move on, I can't get answers, nothing makes sense.

[@gracesixty3666]

@@martineflynn3573 thank you, I pray every day that one day the grandchildren will visit me

[@visualapologetics4891]

This is about your son, not just your daughter-in-law. There is more going on here…why don’t you call your son?

[@makaylahollywood3677]

This is my family. I always knew it was dangerous to be home.

[@fairygurl9269]

Respect and Gratitude

[@carolinemead7747]

When I was 11 my father took me to the local Barnardos, they wouldn’t take me as both my parents were alive. Within weeks he got me into council care by fabricating stories about me. When he found out I wasn’t being ‘punished’ in the institution he reclaimed me but for the next 7 years (until I reached adulthood) I was threatened with being put back there or being sent to an approved school - whilst I wouldn’t have minded not living within my immediate family it worried me that it would mean I’d never see some of my relatives again. 50 years later I found out from my mother’s sister that both she and my mother’s (male) cousin had also experienced their parents trying to place them into a home back before WWII (their fathers were brothers) ……

[@oonaghmolyneux7760]

Darren, I would love to see a video on ‘two narcissists’ in a relationship/marriage. You mentioned Closet Narcissist/enabler. There is a power struggle with them doing tit for tat on one another early in relationship, until one of them becomes the winning Matriarch/Patriarch. The kids normal ‘bad’ behaviour also gets weaponised in their battle for control of ‘how our family behave.’ I’ve seen this in family, and in TV family dramas. So, two narcissists in relationship, how that works? They both love drama, the kids are kind of collateral damage. We see this with kids of celebs too (never as celebrated as the parents). Thank you!

[@DarrenFMagee]

I made a video recently called when narcissists collide if you’d find that helpful?

[@thebanccapp]

Well done Darren, you're a smart guy--this was very good ! That's a fine Irish accent by the way. Cheers

[@seabaron1]

Again .. Excellent and realistic portrayal Darren ... our family was torn apart as well as everyone in it. No one speaks to anyone. As the empath in the family i've given up on shedding any light on the situation and have come to release that the four other sibs are just narcs, sociopaths or worse, spreading the hate and abuse they were subjected to ...

[@JoyLady-1966]

That’s my family and that’s my family…Thank God at 55 I understand what happened to me. It was them with the problem 😮

[@harmonizedigital.]

One thing in my family was my sister never having any chores but being given money whenever she wants but I did thousands of hours of work and my parents would flip out if I asked for money.

[@tanzinafarha5681]

5:43... yeah that's true & l always thought that way.... fear 😱 is also common for a narcissistic family to believe as respect. I think my so called family always wanted me to be afraid of them.......

[@eelco9547]

What helped me a lot is viewing NPD as an (total) disorder. Aspecting normal behaviour from a narcissist is a bit like aspecting from colorblind person to see colors. It is impossible...

[@oftin_wong]

My mother still to this day pretends to have empathy for certain people ...but she has no idea what empathy is so she makes up reasons why which really don't exist ..if I was a lot dumber I might buy it. I realise now she doesn't miss my company or feel lonely ..it's not possible

[@simonandrews4355]

Thank you for outing all our family's as cults and for breaking our 'obedient' collusion of silent 'let's pretend'. Our Mums' unspoken and even God-like, ' if you love me you'll do as I say..'. ..(note well the conditionality of that IF)... And that toxic trade coming from my Mum, a woman who neither knew , felt or understood what love - which is their currency - actually really is. Complete 'Love Blindness' seems to me to be the irreducible root of their unhappy life - a narcissist, it seems to me is a person who cannot see or recognise love or feel it's presence or give or share it. What a bleak life that must be. They seek for it desperately in all their dysfunctional ways and don't see what they seek causing harm to all around them. The actual impossible task of mythical Sisyphus is their toxic task. Well done Darren and thankyou for your crucial work..

[@rm709]

My mother harps that I don’t respect her, and I finally stated, “why, because I don’t obey you?!” She shouted back, “Exactly!” I’m in my 30s and she still insists on giving unwanted advice, and telling me how to do simple things that I am clearly capable of and better at than her. Projection, victimization, and shaming are key traits in this family. Wish Darren would talk about family dynamics of narcissism with only children. Thanks for the great content.

[@taom9004]

"You may not like the man but you have to salute the uniform". The above is a picture-perfect description of the family I grew up in. But until the In-SANE divorce, [my parents still have not spoken a single word one to the other in over four decades] they were lock step in their approach to "parenting." But I was a fighter. And yet it did not stop me marrying a man who embodied both my mother and father's forms of narcissism, except he was better at deceit, about appearing to be benevolent. Now, at 61, I am bone weary and finally coming to terms with how exhausted fighting for yourself your whole life can be.

[@sscbkr48]

Parenting is one of the most important jobs there is, yet requires no qualifications .. then they send their kids to gov schools that pump their heads full of crap. And that's why the prisons are full.

[@anewchapter1336]

Exactly!

[@Being_Bohemian]

Sinead O'Connor (the Irish singer) said something very similar to your comment, back in a 1992 interview: 'the root of all of the world's problems is child abuse'. Narcissistic parenting, and the coercive school system, are both hyper-controlling and abusive, in different ways. And both outcomes are indeed very damaging. (Though I imagine many people suffering narcissism at home, find refuge in school, so I can understand school is sometimes a blessing in disguise in that respect.)

[@mfar3016]

Conditional love is spot on! My narc grandmother often came out & said “I just don’t love you” when I (or whichever other family members) did not conform to her wishes.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Hello. As of Easter, I have not been in contact with my narc dad, he expects everything to revolve around him, now that I ignore him, I have less stress!

[@christinadennis1223]

Thank you. Its always good to know I'm headed in the right direction. Grey rocking as much as possible. My Mil is the narcissist in our little family. Hard at times, as my partner still considers my actions as negative. I have tried to explain, but its a mute point as far as he is concerned. Thank you for explaining everything so easily 🙂

[@anewchapter1336]

I'm in the same position with husband and his mother!

[@janetpattison8474]

I hope u can move away physically, & have as little contact as humanly possible, w/ rare get-togethers, texts, e-mails, snail mail, and phone…..agree w/ your husband that she’s great & for holidays u be w/ your family & he goes to his mom’s. After all “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. Convince yourself that your parents need u, and MIL is fine w/ son. My MIL ruined my marriage from the getgo, she was a sneaky, narcissistic, Back-stabbing b.

[@anewchapter1336]

@@janetpattison8474 That is what I recently realized my MIL is doing after playing me for over 20 years and me not realizing what a sneaky and clever covert narc she is. I had to confront her about demented remarks she and her sister made to and about my children in the past year while my husband sat on the sidelines paralyzed about defending his own children let alone his wife whom he has never defended. I have gone NO contact with ALL in laws and have zero respect for so called man of a husband.

[@caseyseeger1628]

I am dealing with the same thing. My MIL is a covert narc and it doesn't matter what insidious things she does, my husband will act like it's not a big deal or will say that wasn't her intention and I just need to get over it and let it go. He will never be able to stand up to her, even when it involves his daughter. It's beyond frustrating but I realize it's not something that will ever change.

[@anewchapter1336]

@@caseyseeger1628 I completely understand. From what I now understand this is a no win situation for us, the wives. I am deciding what to do now that i know what I know.

[@shaunxw729]

IV watched lots of videos. I thought I had a deep understanding...which I have slowly acquired. This just summarised everything so beautifully, to the point. I am going to break up with my parents. I did not deserve that child hood and certainly did not deserve me as a child. I am 32 and I am so greatful I am able to get a large part of myself out of this. I am realistic the scar will live on. They had a horrible childhood....so did I. Why did I pick myself up out of this? The guilt, shame and fear has dominated me in my adult life with all other choices. Shameful and barbaric

[@privateprivate8366]

I saw much of this and I know about not being perfect enough. Seemed like, over the course of time, particularly as my mother aged, I couldn’t do right enough, with the work I was doing for her and the family business. The problem, for her, was that the type of work I do, I also do professionally. So her validation of whether it was good or not, didn’t carry a great deal of weight. This helped me to stand in my own strength and, when I look back, even that was probably cause for her to strategize, as to how she could undo me, which included a bit of phone stalking at a really good job, I’d just gotten, a few years ago. I wasn’t giving up this opportunity, after 8 years of trying to climb out of the recession and almost committing suicide, so I gave up her and went no contact. While I hate that our lives have taken this turn, I’m glad she passed away, a few months ago. Gives both of us a bit of peace. Now, my sister? Malignant Narcissist #2. Working on riding myself if her entirely, once probate is done.

[@ABCA773]

A narcissist says: if I don't experience it myself, then I can't understand it. I am not a narcissist.

[@abutterfly7975]

I couldn’t believe how much all of these points I could relate to with my family I grew up and not exactly to a T but so many things you mentioned were like us. But it’s funny if you ask any person in my family they would think that we were the perfect family I among all of them knew the most in my opinion that it was not, thank you for your videos and for trying to help us I appreciate it.

[@lucibloom5966]

This really triggered a lot in me to hear. I’ve processed a lot over the past twenty years and have not had contact with any of them for ten years. Image definitely was everything in my family unit. My ex provider (he wasn’t a father) would compare me to my middle brother, his golden child and mini me, saying why couldn’t I be more like Adrian, and there was always this sense that the men were more important and women were just there to cook and clean and look pretty. He spoke to me like I was a business associate when I was a young girl? No emotion ever and laughed at mine. I realised pretty early on that I was an extension of him and a mere object. Like I perceived that from the age of about 12! He would humiliate my mother at parties in front of their friends and my brothers learned from him to do the same with me, though often I’d turn it around and make him look like the fool because I always had way more dirt on him than he did in me despite his attempts. My brother was constantly baiting me for a reaction for his own amusement. He’d have a big shit eating grin on his face every time he’d say something he knew I’d react to. It wasn’t until I learned to meditate that I started to master my reactions and worked out the game. In between my birth giver giving me the silent treatment t whenever I didn’t agree with her or laugh at her stupid jokes that weren’t even funny I had my ex provider laughing at me for being upset that he killed my pet mouse that escaped one day, amusing himself by messing with my mind and memory and playing cruel “jokes” on me as well as laughing at disabled people crossing the street and calling them “spastics” while he considered himself to be highly sophisticated for hanging out with rich pedophiles whom he considered friends and bragging about it to his 16 year old daughter (me) without once considering how fucked up that was?? The final straw was when he one day told me I needed help after I broke no contact with him to phone him on his birthday (literally the second thing he said to me after telling me how much I’d made his week by calling and how much he loved me) and then went in to tell me I ‘shouldn’t’ feel the way I felt when I expressed how him telling me I need help when I had been seeing a counsellor for years and took responsibility for my issues unlike him! I snapped and told him to stop telling me how I should and shouldn’t feel and start listening to how I DO feel! He shit the hell up after that and didn’t know what to say. Meanwhile my mother loved playing games like putting up dozens of photos of my brothers in frames and only one of me that she would place right up the back behind theirs so I could the seen! She’d do the same to my provider after they argued. I wouldn’t even know what I’d done. Oh and it was great as a 16 year old girl to be called up by him and told bluntly that I’m a real bitch?? Still don’t know what I did to deserve this but my brothers would mimic him for years afterwards. He was the kind of person who would be condescending to wait staff or concierge at hotels if they were people of colour. He told my boyfriend once when he first met him that he was a bit fat and needed to lose some weight…at Xmas dinner??? That kind of idiot. He never seemed to understand how rude he was but thought he was very clever and funny! I just realised one day what a complete dickhead he was and stopped talking to him. My mother stopped talking to me in protest and my two brothers took her side! They did me a favour though. Shitty parents and shitty people!

[@rursus8354]

Oh, I grew up in a family with two narcissistic parents, one vulnerable and one grandious. My dad worshiped my mom, they intended to bring us up as special beings, and all children were rebelling their own ways. It was and still is a family of lots of unresolved conflicts. There were not much of a cult, but when I myself were exposed to real cults, I somehow was kind of immune ...

[@Peacenotoftheworld]

When I got introduced to a cult because of my mothers craziness and learning to identify it I didn’t get brain washed .

[@ivaniceangle]

This is timely. I was abused in a business partnership by a psychotic narcissist over 20 years ago. I wasn’t the first business partner abused and manipulated by him. Now his successful company is run by him and his narcissistically abused family. Staff turnover is close to 20%. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.

[@SuperGingerBickies]

This. All this. Thank you, Darren.

[@christar9527]

My family checked off all the boxes. They were BOTH narcissists. My sisters became their flying monkeys and their husbands were recruited as well. They tried to get everyone in the community to turn against me. They wanted me to commit suicide. I honestly barely made it out alive.

[@izawaniek2568]

Spot on. I have grown in such a family - Absolutely devastating experience! Everything you have described resonates with me. I have seen and lived through it all! Thank you Darren.

[@imwatching2960]

So painful to hear this. I never thought as a child that these were not normal.

[@cindybriden372]

You hit the nail on the head. Thank you!!

[@emmamonroe3311]

I believe this. It’s all secretly kept. They tell no one! Not even those who were injured 🤯🤯🤯

[@abriljohnsonnieves4632]

I literally grew up with the phrase "you have to earn it" it didn't matter what it was, things for school, snacks, food, affection, you name it

[@nadiabyrd6452]

Thank you for this video.I lived with my boyfriends family for a year and his family is exactly like this but i didn't know it at the time. It felt like I was in a enternal nightmare because his mother was the head matriarch and ran the household like this to a T. I felt entirely helpless since I was bullied by his stepdad on different occasions and was treated by his mother of being invisible and a threat. But basically, my boyfriend is 1st child from a previous relationship and she treated him so badly and has abandoned many times until he was about 6. She has often blamed him due to the fact she had him as a teen and siblings.t clear she wished he was put up for adoption. She met his step father around when he was 6 and is no better. He constantly defends her behavior and says it's her way always and the rest of the family is not "our way" and puts everyone down no matter what. They also have 2 sons together as well. Few months later it got so bad that I was even accused by his mother of adding people to her house which caused my a huge fight between bf and her. When bf accused her of having a baby she denied that. Eventually when the 5th child was born recently, she looked similar to her 4th child that also resulted from the same man from an affair years ago. Others outside the house have called her and have asked why her 4 th child looks nothing like the step dad and she still refuses/hides the fact and argues its his child. We did escpaed from there since it shattered me mentally entirely and they stared treated my bf even worse and started turning on me as well. I'm recovering still and haven't got over the messed things that happens there and I blame myself completely for not only being able to my bc and his younger siblings who are still going through this still and I was close too, but not being strong enough to help myself 5 in half months after I've left. Right now, my boyfriend barely talks to his family now, but his mom does call him here an there and is trying to be really friendly these past few months and finding ways to get him back home since he did everything she needed from him. His stepdad has also tried getting him to come back too and demanding where he stays at now. He's been pretty good on hardly saying much but deep down he's still suffer the effects from his mother and stepdad has done to him and only comes over to see his siblings. Bf has asked me if I wanted to come see his siblings but I'm afraid to because of his mom and step dad being there. I'm sorry for my long writing, I just felt the need to get my story out and im not sure if others have experienced anything similar to mine. I don't usually write since the last time I wrote, people said what I wrote wasn't true and accused me of trying to "ruin" the family by my presence there and have also said my bf was a losing battle because he'll eventually he'll go back to his mother and the families ways although he left since he knew his family wasn't normal to begin with and felt he couldn't have a life at the house because his mom and stepdad was trying to control what he does even into his 20s now.

[@benjaminbosley6169]

You have a right to share your story. And if others don't like it that's their issue, not yours. They'll shame you, but it's all their attempt to silence you. It's their shame they don't want to experience with your public disclosure. Keep on keeping on. One Love.

[@meanimeconingles]

My narcissistic mother is really outta her mind. She makes my father compete with me and viceversa. He hates me. She hates whenever I speak. I'm a truthteller, so imagine...

[@nenasadie]

They claim to "know" you in some secret special way, better than you know yourself, even though in reality they don't know you at all, because they can't see you. So for example, my mother would often tell me that I was so bad I didn't even know that I was doing it. That it was just part of what I am. Bad, selfish, horrible, nasty, cruel. Now, I know in my head that isn't true, but I don't know how to get it out of me deep down. I don't want it anymore.

[@benjaminbosley6169]

Your mother was projecting her own shame onto you. Like a hot potatoe, she said “not me” and tossed it to you. You can let it all go because it was never yours to begin with.

[@AnnSmajstrla]

Oh my god you have described my family. It was really important to my dad that we go to church and pray before meals, but that was pretty much where his “Christian” behavior ended …

[@annettemoorshead7019]

Thanks so much for uploading this, since it's spot on, and no one could have said it better! Also fitting on Mother's Day.

[@sheilaalawdi591]

I can't listen to anymore at this moment. I got water in my eyes. But I'll be back!

[@dgmmo]

I can identify with this as my mother was a malignant narcissist but her games seem to have either created the older sisters as narcissists too. The eldest daughter golden child grandiose and the 2nd eldest daughter a covert. Otherwise its hereditary as the rest of us were empaths including my dad. The bullying was off the scale by them even when parents dying the 3 of them created havoc. I sometimes feel I am one given the rages but these only happen when triggered by the abuse of the older sisters. Maybe a discussion on that. Enjoyed this thanks 😊

[@stitchinginthebarn8307]

Wow you just described my husband's family to a T. I suspect both of his parents are narcissists from their actions over the past year. My husband has had a stroke about 4 years ago and what me & our adult children realized after is how he is lacking the ability to "adult". he was always working because that was easier than facing life at home. We didn't know who he really was until he had to stay home to recover and the stroke short circuited his emotions where he couldn't hide them both good and bed. He has extreme expectations of being "perfect" and could not deal with emotions in a mature manner. He was very irresponsible with his money & health before the stroke but now has turned his money over to our daughter because he sees he has no clue what to do. I recently found out when he had a job as a teen, his parents made him, that he didn't have a bank account, nobody would take him to cash his checks, and when his older brother wanted money he'd just endorse a paycheck for him that had been sitting around. He's getting better now with our unconditional love and support but its been hard on all of us. He is definitely recovering and showing many signs of improvement but he is definitely not ready to hear that his family isn't perfect. Fortunately they have been demonstrating that clearly as he's maturing and becoming unable to be controlled by them. Thank you so much for this! It really helps understand his behavior because I didn't know people like this existed much less raised my husband. You've renewed my hope and strength to keep working with him.

[@visualapologetics4891]

“ always working because it was easier than facing life at home.” Such a good observation!! Many men terribly immature in this way.

[@gabriellaevans2531]

Brilliant description, so spot on.

[@anikalee9012]

Always come to find clear summary of the topic in this channel. It's short but very precise clear and cover it all. Most of the time going in too much each details make me lost another topic and feel like can't cover it all.

[@taraann7753]

I have never heard anyone come anywhere near the truth as you do..why did my Mothers silence make me angry? I can’t find the answer to this..she never stood up for us when I felt she should have.

[@BambiOnIce19]

Well… I suppose that’s why my mother hated me - I was never afraid of her. It’s funny, but out of all the kids, I’ve turned out the most successful one in terms of career, but my relationships were shockingly dysfunctional and disorganised. I’m only dealing with all that now. One thing that rings true to me is my mother always saying: “ How could you do that to ME???”, and my dad always saying: “Don’t speak to other people about our arguments”. Yes, kind of like a cult. In order to save my sanity, I had to almost completely cut them out of my life. I see them during Xmas and important birthdays - that’s it.

[@mumcmillfields]

Our parents were exactly like this. Now compounded by sister also being like it. Just trying to cut my birth family out of my life now it has been so toxic. Therapist has been helpful re recovering for N trauma and abuse Thank you also for these KZbin help.

[@timhuffmaster3588]

It was once said by my high school drama teacher that the worst thing about me was having my parents as parents.

[@lesliebucari4096]

Fantastic explanation Dr. Darren. Have you done any videos about the scapegoat and the golden child? I am interested because I am the scapegoat in our toxic family. Thank you so much for your kindness. God bless you Sir🙏🙋‍♀️💕

[@DarrenFMagee]

Thank you I’m glad you liked it. I’ve videos on those different roles in the narcissistic families playlist if you find those helpful

[@elizabethig2930]

Wow, everything you say is so accurate, Im from narcissistic family and your videos are spot on