A fun video on Portals OSHA Violations that only destroyed 9 weeks of my life

I ALSO MADE THIS THING, LUCKILY IT DESTROYED LESS THAN 9 WEEKS OF MY LIFE, WOOT: daveygun.place
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
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Streams, from time to time: / daveygunface
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If you somehow managed to miss the huge link at the top: daveygun.place
Twitter: / daveygunfaceiv
0:00 The Intro, surprisingly.
4:34 But first, a word from me! I guess.
5:10 The Beginning of the End
57:23 The Continuation of the End?
1:45:15 The Outro, shockingly

[@blubglub]

_"Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired."_ -Cave Johnson

[@nbewarwe]

Cave truly is a man behind, of, and ahead of his time.

[@silaskuemmerle2505]

The epitome of “we were so busy seeing if we could that we didn’t stop to think about whether we should”

[@kveller555]

I love Cave's lines so damn much.

[@dmgroberts5471]

I think someone did make a door like that, those ones you can open easily, but they close very slowly.

[@lieutenantyellow8440]

“Not you test subject, you’re doing fine”

[@kynangoddard68]

"unless i forgot to read amazons newest employee handbook i don't think its kosher to gun down their employees with extreme prejudice" i have never head a sentence that I needed to hear more than this one

[@bestaround3323]

You just didn't read the sub clause.

[@GreyKnightsVenerable]

The test subjects aren’t employees though, they’re prisoners.

[@DanParre]

@@GreyKnightsVenerable Same difference /j

[@robertbcardoza]

Never forget that this is literally how big companies have handles attempts to form unions and strike for workers rights, even in the United States. If they can get away with it, they absolutely will gun us down.

[@Glory_to_Arstotzka]

@@GreyKnightsVenerable Actually not there's even dialogue of cave where he says that they started testing on employees to make up the lack of subjects

[@bh24x]

There is a certain point where OSHA doesn't even need to cite where in the law it states what you are doing is wrong and just shuts you down for egregious human rights and safety violations. This place is one of those times.

[@Aaa-vp6ug]

Probably also the Scarlet Devil Mansion from Touhou Luna Nights. Stated to be a perfect replica of the SDM within Touhou Luna Nights, so it’s a HOUSE/WORKPLACE first, somehow. No, just because all the residents could fly (besides Sakuya during the events of this game due to her powers being sealed), and it’s a game within the plot itself, doesn’t mean you can just electrify your employees by putting gigantic live magic wires all over a room. No you can’t have a spikes-everywhere room, No. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO USE A BIN THAT’S THREE FLOORS AWAY FROM THE VENDING MACHINE, THAT’S GUARDED BY FIVE DIFFERENT DRAGONS AND A GATLING GUN. WHY ARE YOU MAKING EMPLOYEES GUN A COLLEAGUE DOWN FOR A GAME?! No, just because all your Employees (besides Sakuya, Patchouli and Hong Meiling) can respawn, doesn’t mean you can send them after one specific employee endlessly. How am I supposed to explain that gunning down employees with siege weapons and artillery isn’t kosher? Why the hell do you have a moat with no guard rails on the bridge? On the INSIDE? You’re telling me you have Tori gates that do TELEPORTATION, and multiple of them are locked behind massive gauntlets? Why are there multiple rooms where the spikes IS the floor? Why do you a massive cave down here, with NO guard rails? You do realise that a fall from nearly every one of these heights would be at least SIGNIFICANTLY lethal to anyone who isn’t built different, right? With how massive these are, compared to the Australian ones, the winged Lizards with swords are a CLOSE second, also, those spiked helmets are definitely going to cause them neck injuries at one point. Also, why is Sakuya the only one doing any work? (In the mainline games too) Shouldn’t she be actually paid for literally doing ALL the work? Yes, she’s a maid, but last I checked, Maids have paychecks. Why do so many of these doors close so fast that a TOUHOU character has to SLOW DOWN TIME or outright teleport to go through them? If these doors didn’t use the power of glitches to spit you out, wouldn’t those pivots be leg removers? I’m giving you credit, Remillia, some of these doors will stop if it happens to have you in the doorway while it’s closing, but that doesn’t excuse having a running waterfall on the only platform to get across a pit of spikes. Why do you have thousands of ghosts trying to kill one of your employees? I get there’s a lot, but this isn’t anywhere NEAR safe. Why is there a lot of timestopping bunnies? What’s with all of those statues containing the souls of the dead? Why do you have a room with so many chandeliers that actively try to kill anyone that’s too close? Edit: 4 dragons, Not 5.

[@bh24x]

@@Aaa-vp6ug lol 👏 bravo.

[@Aaa-vp6ug]

@@bh24x thanks

[@myspleenisbursting4825]

tesla factory

[@Aaa-vp6ug]

@@myspleenisbursting4825 yep

[@TheSwordsman100]

While it probably isn't because you can't do this in real life, I really feel turning your secretary into a murderous AI should also be a violation.

[@sponge1234ify]

Considering the advent and counterculture of ChatGPTlike and StableDiffusionlike, it might soon be.

[@hyhena-gaming9986]

More of a scientific ethical one and Probobly assault and less osha

[@trevorthieme5157]

What about making a murderous AI into your secretary? 😂

[@TheSwordsman100]

@@trevorthieme5157 Yeah that should be some kind of violation. 😆

[@dumbsterdives]

against her will, even!

[@spiderfloof947]

Even a year ago, I never would have expected to hear the line "OSHA doesn't have regulations against breaking the laws of the universe itself".

[@tristangribble4171]

“Or the universe itself”

[@raymondwiggins354]

Also you could try to argue that GLADOS can emergency stop the testing equipment, but I think we all know she doesn't care about safety anyways... Also time for the Osha not having regulations for breaking the laws of the universe 13:50

[@FurryWrecker911]

I couldn't help but read your comment in Angel Dust's voice thanks to your profile picture, and I have been giggling like an idiot for half a minute thinking about him reading a regulations book with his sass.

[@juniorresearcherrosing9392]

@@FurryWrecker911 Angel Dust would totaly use that as an excuse for something.

[@1gient]

If I had a quarter for everytime I have heard it I would have three quarters. It isn't a lot but it's weird that it has happened at least three times. I'm serious though, three times. Only once was a joke.

[@dazcarrr]

i love that a flight of stairs has more violations than a gun that literally creates wormholes that you're given free use of

[@gracenblackwelder7727]

To be fair I'm not sure which subsection covers "proper use of trans dimensional traversal tools"

[@sponge1234ify]

@@gracenblackwelder7727 Most likely under the section "Trans dimension"

[@theencolony5595]

@@gracenblackwelder7727 I'd make a case to classify it under "powered tools", and likely radioactive hazzard protection as it's got a singularity inside it

[@mirabelwindsor9424]

I'd chalk that up to lack of imagination more than anything else

[@goofy-ahh101.]

Then why are there no ramps?

[@AlexRedacted]

I was writing a Portal fanfiction once and needed the number of bathrooms Aperture might have. I've calculated it based on some laws... and immediately saw the error of my ways, because yeah, No laws are working in this place.

[@nt33938]

give us the name of the fanfic when you're done

[@AlexRedacted]

@@nt33938 Uhhh I've dropped it here already, seems like mods didn't like that?

[@nerdomatic2489]

​@@AlexRedactedKZbin targets links and automatically removes them. You could give the title or your fanfiction site username, though.

[@stm7810]

Yeah what's it called? is it on AO3?

[@AlexRedacted]

@@stm7810 yeah! look for Art therapy by Rachell_Redacted

[@madsciencraft7739]

Fun fact, that sign at 1:19:42 was made because playtesters always looked away before the implosion animation played, and the devs wanted their hard work to be noticed.

[@TireRire]

sign rizz 💀

[@omegawilliam95s36]

I've noticed that play testers tend not to look at things that seem extremely apparent unless specifically told by the characters to do it. Edit: For example, in Half Life 2 ep1, you were originally supposed to be spotted by an Advisor on a jumbotron right outside the train depot. If anyone knows how big those are, then it should be obvious you're supposed to be paying attention to it, but no. Somehow, every single player ignored the big ass screen with the big ass slug creature with BRIGHT BLUE EYES, and so they had to resort to trapping the player in a room with a teeny tiny screen and darken said room so the tiny monitor was the only thing you could see. Like, I'm surprised they even knew how to play.

[@theMyRadiowasTaken]

​@@omegawilliam95s36valve playtesters are a, uh, different breed for sure

[@wObBlE73]

Ok

[@wildfire9280]

@@theMyRadiowasTaken the valve playtesters do get a little quirky at night

[@lamegrape]

Now we just need a mod that fixes all of the violations.

[@DaveyGunface]

First test chamber, perfectly safe operation where exactly one cube is placed via a fully operated and inspected hoist. You place it on button, door opens, go down elevator, roll credits. This was a triumph

[@DaveyGunface]

I've decided to make the executive decision to nuke the comment chain to report that somebody took the previous suggestions to heart. kzbin.info/www/bejne/i2rPoYCprpuogZo

[@ReiHinoSenshi]

@@Ajarylee-qh9ln Yes OSHA's job is never done there always safety hazards to be *crossed out* had *crossed out* found!

[@Your_Average_Stickman_WasTaken]

@@DaveyGunface it exists now

[@ConnanTheCivilized]

Not funny! Well, kinda.

[@Appletank8]

I suspect the reason why “falling” in Portal 2 might kill you is because the bottom is filled with broken metal poles, shattered glass, and toxic water.

[@sponge1234ify]

I always thought of it as it not actually killing you, but by the time you get back up Wheatley would've already explodedd the facility thrice over

[@binatlas6620]

honestly knowing aperture they probably keep their Convenience Spike Pit down there for chell to fall into

[@scotty2tone]

@@sponge1234ifyyeah that’s my interpretation as well. It might not “kill” the player but the story can’t effectively continue, so kind of the same result

[@Therevengeforget]

@@scotty2tone Ok but fangame idea: Chell falls into the pit and has to get tf outta there.

[@benjaminthejump5484]

​@@Therevengeforgetwell isn't that what already happens in Portal 2?

[@rob98000]

As an amazon employee I can assure you it's in the handbook. Stay at least 40 feet away from an active amazon loss prevention turret when handling amazon merchandise to prevent the turret from mistaking you as a thief.

[@Ramonatho]

I'm pretty sure you can legally gun down your employees if you just say it's "Mr Beast Squid Game".

[@creeper7ech520]

It's a grey area

[@notjebbutstillakerbal]

​@creeper7ech520 there's hilarious, and then there's this absolute gem

[@gryphonphillips5669]

The context of that indicates that the story takes place on a privately owned island, but even that wouldn't legally let you make a death game.

[@Asylar343]

Lack of handrails has to be one of the most common OSHA violations in video game history. Seriously, the amount of towers I've fallen down because of the lack of handrails on the way up in WoW alone could fund a government in fines.

[@DylonBridson]

Add EVERY player of EVERY game ever to that and it might be enough to pay off the entire global debt

[@SupersuMC]

@@DylonBridson Minecraft staircase designers are quaking in their boots.

[@gingermcgingin4106]

OSHA is an American organization, they have no jurisdiction in Azeroth.

[@Asylar343]

@@gingermcgingin4106 Blizzard is headquartered in the USA so I consider it a territory.

[@airplanemaniacgaming7877]

@@gingermcgingin4106 Just tell them there's oil in Azeroth. They'll find a way to breach the multiverse just to get to that oil. Not to mention getting all that knowledge, AND magic.

[@2yoyoyo1Unplugged]

I think it should be noted that by “unfit for testing” Chell’s file was specifically noting her tenacity, meaning she was only “unfit” in that she was (correctly) predicted _not_ to be compliant with or susceptible to GLaDOS’s orders/manipulation should they become suspicious or outright malicious.

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

In one of his dens Rattman redoes this chart, implying Chell's tenacity is actually rather average

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

As in he out the line there. So do with that what you will

[@dylanzlol7293]

Most normal people would not be compliant after everything you're put through

[@rheiagreenland4714]

"Although I'm sure there's some violations that are inherently involved with the destruction of the universe, at that point that isn't OSHAs problem" Damn literally something you'd see at the end of an xkcd article

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

it sounds like the xkcd hover text

[@lordfelidae4505]

You made me spit my tea.

[@slimeinabox]

FunFact: The Turrets DON'T use live ammunition. We'll they DO but they don't actually combust the propellant. They just use really strong springs to launch them really fast.

[@samanthayork3125]

They use the whole bullet! 60 percent more bullet per bullet!

[@SpruceParsley80]

When you load real bullets into a nerf gun

[@austinhobbesandjustin]

​@@samanthayork3125 What a deal!

[@stevecrafter518]

@@austinhobbesandjustin they even serve as explosive ammunition!

[@official-obama]

they don't (use live) ammunition, they use (live ammunition)

[@explosivenecklace8516]

The lore implies that the "acid" is actual flood water accrued over time due to Aperture's human caretakers having been murdered by GLaDOS, and that death occurs due to the previous warning to "not submerge the device in liquid, even partially"

[@amelia02004]

I'm pretty sure the water itself is also dangerous though.(since it is probably linked to the salt mines under the enrichment centre.)

[@explosivenecklace8516]

@@amelia02004 Probably, yeah. But either way it invalidates the point that the water was used as a deadly punishment

[@gipsydangeramericasmonster9632]

Doesn’t the deadly water come into place before you have the portal gun as well?

[@xoxo5296]

No? You get the gun in room 3, you don't get the water til room, like, 8 or somth

[@sponge1234ify]

@@explosivenecklace8516 i dunno, those water pit was consistently used in rooms where a portal gun is required. It might not be real acid, but that's still gross negligent at best.

[@AllExistence]

Actually, the fact that facility still functional and more or less stable after many (hundreds of) years of no maintenance is a huge good look for Aperture.

[@quantumgoosey1535]

GlaDOS actually maintains it,and you can tell cuz when Wheatley gains power of the facility,it starts threatening to explode

[@AllExistence]

@@quantumgoosey1535 She was offline dude, did you even play?

[@quantumgoosey1535]

Oh yeahh

[@quantumgoosey1535]

I forgot about the whole coming back alive to test on you thing

[@quantumgoosey1535]

Also, idk if you could call the facility functional after 100s of years because it's overgrown and a lot of the machinery is malfunctioning

[@6611nitro]

Interesting fact about moon rocks, they are actually horrible for you to be exposed to and even more so if ground up. Cave Johnson is almost certainly suffering from silicosis where small amounts of silica such as quartz have lacerated his lung tissue and thus been deposited in his body. This would cause chest pains, shortness of breath, lung infections or potentially lung cancer, and kidney damage.

[@nottelling6598]

Potat-Os actually counts as an allergen hazard. Also, Moon dust is essentially a giant pile of very sharp glass dust, like old asbestos but worse in every way. It's _bad._

[@roamspida4951]

Doesn't cave Johnson get poisoned from constant exposure or smth

[@Abyzz_Knight]

@@roamspida4951 he does

[@Awesomeness-iz3dh]

And there is asbestos that they were aware of and did nothing about as Cave Johnson mentions.

[@ARockyRock]

@@roamspida4951 Yeah, he inhales moondust and goes the way of the defective turret. Then some weird worker named Caroline or something takes over I guess.

[@JamUsagi]

Not sure moon dust counts since it's never encountered in dust form but in gel form (which I haven't watched most of the video yet but that's probably still pretty damn bad). What would matter with the dust itself is whether the scientists who made the gel were wearing lung/eye/skin protection. ...Which they obviously weren't, this being Aperture. Buuut we can't prove that anyone except Cave himself was exposed to it unprotected.

[@Malowith]

I occasionally find myself thinking "That shouldn't count against the company, she's trying to murder you!" But then I remember that, oh yeah, murder's illegal and she *is* the company.

[@normalhuman9878]

Technically not an OSHA violation, just a violation of general laws

[@GeekOfAllness]

@@normalhuman9878 I feel like that's also an OSHA violation under some kind of general statute of not knowingly allowing employees to work in extremely hazardous environments without so much as body armor.

[@brolytriplethreat]

​@@GeekOfAllnessdoes Chell even count as an employee? She was basically Kidnapped from Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, and doesn't get paid. I'm not sure Aperture even actually counts as a business at this point anyways.

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

@@brolytriplethreat Aperture sold products at some point and had employees so they're a business

[@AngryCaesCorporation]

And quite a lethal company

[@FFgamesftw]

One thing to note, in Portal 2 they have some short videos you can watch describing the technology and one of them is the longfall boots. in the video they say the boots make it impossible for a test subject to land on anything except the boots so we can pretty much remove any issues of falling on your face. Banging your head on the ceiling would still be an issue though.

[@RivLabs]

And I mean, that definitely doesn't help with Portal 1's case, where you don't have long fall boots in the first place :P

[@Somonyo]

@@RivLabschell has some brace looking things attached to her legs, which I can only assume is a prototype of the long fall boots

[@RivLabs]

@@Somonyo That would be the knee replacement things!

[@ThinkingWithTunneler]

@@RivLabs but we can assume that in portal 1 they work the same and the long fall boots are just there to make it more comfortable

[@RivLabs]

@@ThinkingWithTunneler And (presumably, given this is Aperture we're talking about) the long-fall boots don't need to be surgically grafted onto your legs, which is a bonus!

[@walnutinc961]

The best part about this video is that Glados almost definitely knows all of this, and she simply does not care

[@thesalvager3020]

Injury and death aren't just the cost of science, it's half the fun!

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

@@thesalvager3020 glados if she was programmed to have a sunny disposition and not lie

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

like those fucking doors

[@Nevernamed]

Few hazards you overlooked; The Enrichment Spheres in old Aperture are actually made out of asbestos, Cave says as much. The Excursion Funnels are also not only a fall hazard as they are also made out of 'liquid asbestos' according to promotional materials for the game. It's not only glitches where you have the potential to destroy the universe, there's a part in Old Aperture where Cave mentions undertaking tests which have the potential side effects of wiping out time forwards and backwards if the subject is careless. The Portal Gun canonically contains a black hole, and in the event of system failure within the portal gun it can explode/expand/otherwise create a dangerous area of effect there are specific proceedures that need to be undertaken to gauge a safe evacuation distance. Not only are subjects never informed of this, they have no way to evacuate to a safe distance because there are no exits other than one they cannot access because the device they need to use to access it is currently exploding. The Portal Gun also contains two Aperture Science Miniature Surplus German Stick Grenades which are supposed to be used for 'maintenance' in the event that the Black Hole within the portal gun stops working- subjects are also never informed of this, and while the fact that the Portal Gun contains miniature grenades seems inconsequential in comparison to the fact that it contains a black hole, it's still worth mentioning.

[@alexsiemers7898]

Tbh the whole “black hole in the portal gun” thing falls apart in a realistic scenario since a black hole small enough to not have its own substantial gravity (relative to the earth’s surface that is) would be releasing ungodly amounts of energy in the form or Hawking radiation, assuming it doesn’t just dissipate and explode on the spot (as microscopic black holes do inside particle colliders)

[@Nevernamed]

@@alexsiemers7898 Portal in general falls apart in a realistic scenario. You're supposed to 'restart' a black hole by throwing tiny grenades into it, it's stupid, nonsensical, and quintessentially Portal's style of humor.

[@protoborg]

Who said anything about a black hole inside the portalgun? It utilizes a quantum tear in space-time to fold space in on itself such that when you enter the portal "speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out." In other words, it is a conduit for the reactor which allows the formation of a quantum fold connecting two places together for instant travel.

[@alexsiemers7898]

@@protoborg in one of the promo videos they show a brief schematic of the gun and one of the labels mentions a “black hole generator” or something

[@Nevernamed]

@@protoborg One of the promotional materials for the game shows a blueprint for the portal gun, if you pay attention, each part is labelled, one of the labelled parts is "Miniature Black Hole".

[@MrJoeyWheeler]

"I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science. You might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 senate hearings on missing astronauts." That one quote from Portal 2 more or less sums up their OSHA violations in a very succinct way. xD

[@hexlith]

The "no contract or subcontract contracting for any part of the contract work" gave me such a bdg polygon flashback

[@1nk_edd]

Sadly this video also didn't get into my favorite section 1926 subsection r Steel erection

[@mytsw]

9:33 Fun fact: In Death Stranding and Valve crossover missions, the lost cargo: Companion Cube weighed 15 kg. Idk about OSHA regulations but to put it into perspective, most airlines have their max checked luggage weight set at 23 kg.

[@debesys6306]

in my workplace (parcel related warehouse) 15kg is the max a parcel can weigh, but over 12kg ideally it would be a team lift

[@RedMarbles_]

well that doesn’t sound like full human weight unless there are babies inside which is another problem on its own

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

@@RedMarbles_ It's not called a "weighted" companion cube here. Maybe the "weights" fell out.

[@aliangel5007]

In defense of Aperture I believe it is stated that the Death Sludge only came into the chambers after the homicidal ai got turned on and killed the entire staff.

[@audiovisualcringe]

then how come there is a sign warning you about drowning in the sludge

[@aliangel5007]

@@audiovisualcringe glados was given total control of the facility under orders by cave. She could have made them after the events of bring your daughter to work day.

[@wheel4155]

how kind of glados to put a sign there, truly shows she cares for her test subjects

[@vipperblaze8923]

@@wheel4155 in the first portal game it seems like glados is trying to disguise herself as a prerecorded message and that there are still people working at and observing/maintaining the facility adding signs would've helped her with the deception

[@HaganeNoGijutsushi]

To be fair, as things are now, I don't expect any specific OSHA rules until *after* the first homicidal AI does kill a facility's entire staff.

[@cintacadena2]

1:34:01 I love how he's getting progressively more and more exasperated here. Just like, "No, you can't do this. You can't do this, and you can't do this." Like he's tiredly explaining to a 7-year-old why they can't put their hand on the hot stove.

[@gingermcgingin4106]

At that point, you go "You know what? Go ahead, knock yourself out" & let the kid teach themselves the lesson.

[@errorcode9542]

The perfectly safe staircase is an amazing point

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

this video is ruining my life too. all ive done for 2 days is think about portal. edit: three

[@StepperBox]

"Humanity is still alive: therefore OSEA violations are still a thing" great quote right there

[@musicalsystem927]

Agreed. Small nitpick eith your comment: OSHA, not OSEA

[@atlasrules87]

>osea burn osea to the ground

[@cubicinfinity2]

I loved the lore about the OSHA papyrus.

[@Zizpy]

Didn't know that Portal takes place in Strangereal

[@notelias64]

Humanity may be alive but the combine exist

[@xenopsychologist4943]

i never knew i needed to hear kronk from "the emperors new groove" describing all the osha violations of aperture, but as it turns out that was a basic biological need as a human being that i had gone my entire life being unaware of. and fortunately, this video exists and satisfies that need.

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

It can't fucking be true no fucking way it isn't really him !?!?!?!? Lemony snicket!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

[@1sdani]

Humans in the far future: *Finds OSHA regulations* "Hey, we could make a religion out of this!"

[@ConsarnitTokkori]

no, don't

[@xenotiic8356]

The safest society

[@somedudethatripsplanetinha4221]

absolutesafeteyism

[@shadow_shine3578]

​@@Ajarylee-qh9ln that would be a fun Short story

[@michaelawesome1864]

The Mechanicus Adeptus

[@janaki3829]

Excursion funnels are cannonically liquid asbestos btw I love how Valve included every immoral thing an entrepreneur could do, then invented their own

[@ashtongiertz8728]

1:40:27 it doesn't kill you; it fades to black because you falling back down to old aperture guarantees you won't be able to prevent the facility from exploding.

[@edenswhateverchannel]

"that a medical team should be on standby just in case Jenny, age 46 local grocery store manager decides to noscope Jonny age 17 dumbass because he was in the bathroom to long." Is a absolute gem of a line.

[@SupersuMC]

r/suspiciouslyspecific, too.

[@WickedPhase]

I wasn't expecting it at all and burst out laughing lmao what a wonderful line

[@augustlewis3991]

Ive replayed this line 5 times now its killing me

[@centurionzen1005]

"No scope" really is the cherry on the cake.

[@colmenasio5542]

timestamp?

[@wiresandwifi]

31:47 “my friend fucking major Anderson’d me in co-op and I don’t know how” instant subscription. Us titanfall 2 enjoyers have to take everything we can get

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

This clip briefly convinced me that Atlas was named Major Anderson because I thought he meant his friend turned him into the robot. I've since played coop

[@andrew_wow6892]

Davey gunface videos are either -challenge runs - OR - -a very rigorous analysis if your beloved video game characters will go to jail or something like that Not complaining thought

[@toninhosoldierhelmet4033]

and fish :)

[@DaveyGunface]

I'm going for the meta play of flipping that second concept around. Chell may be a near indestructible cheese grater of a person, but she never deserved this :(

[@insomniagobrrr5542]

I, personally, prefer the later. Edit: latter, not later

[@TheDeadmanTT]

Or a funny fish.

[@itscznben8728]

@@DaveyGunface a what?!

[@screamingcactus1753]

An interesting note, you don't actually have long fall boots in the first portal. Instead, you've got some kind of shock absorbing implant directly attached to your calves. they're literally just leaf springs that I assume you lean into after a long fall to prevent serious injury. Another interesting note: Chel is actually barefoot in Portal 1, and that definitely comes with a whole host of OSHA violations.

[@stm7810]

New OSHA violation: no using the portal gun to get good feet pics.

[@Robin_76_]

They're actually the Aperture Science Advanced Knee Replacements, kind of a predecessor to the Long Fall Boots.

[@Robin_76_]

​@@stm7810"I don't care who OSHA sends, I'm STILL taking feet pics of my test subjects!" Cave Johnson, probably

[@Aaa-vp6ug]

@@Robin_76_” Mr Johnson, I may be going very, very slowly insane, but you’re kind of fucked up, Mr Johnson”-Caroline, I guess

[@richiem2762]

1:02:11 that “You really do have brain damage, don’t you. I can’t believe that you came back” killed me😂😂😂😂😂

[@pakelist]

Cannot describe how unsurprised I am that a video on portal osha violations is this long

[@turtlemagnum]

i feel like much of this video could be summed up as "not explicitly an osha violation, but still some other, far worse crime (generally murder)"

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

1:36:39 the word "serious" is omitted from the title on screen, making it look like his brain damage is actually minor edit: re-added omitted 1:, and changed :41 to :39 for accuracy

[@Idontlikeanyonehere]

Love how when you were talking about the repulsion gel, after playing cave Johnson’s voice line, you didn’t even bother mentioning that it’s implied he gave everyone who sat on the chairs without lead pants tumors

[@PlayerZeroStart]

Not to mention lead is SUPER toxic to humans, so there is literally no winning in that scenario

[@LoverOfMuch]

ok but like was anyone else surprisingly touched by the "choose life"/"it gets better" sidebar at 1:42:45

[@dev.guzman]

I think one of the most telling bits of evidence from the games is the poster in old aperture that instructs workers to alert their supervisors if they see a safety inspector.

[@lolglolblol]

I like how you fault them for the toilet being supervised but never mention the hygiene issues of not offering a sink alongside the toilet edit: or toilet paper for that matter

[@airplanes_aren.t_real]

Maybe it's a bidet

[@godowskygodowsky1155]

To quote a certain ring-tailed monarch, who wipes?

[@jessicacaron5084]

I thought he was going to say no toilet paper too!!

[@canned-confusion7950]

Man you really are like an osha employee giving citations even after everyone is dead saying "they should have thought of it before they were killed by a rouge A.I."

[@LizLuvsCupcakes]

"Sorry ma’am, you’re going to have to shut down your facility until these violations have been corrected." "Well, why don’t I… oh…uh, this doesn’t usually happen. I don’t understand what’s going on." "If you’re trying to use your neurotoxin, ma’am, the office of pollution prevention and toxics has seen it safely disposed. Also, the DoD was very interested in the turrets, so those have been confiscated." "… you people are worse than the one that murdered me."

[@13DarkForce]

Now I just wanna make a Portal version that respect *every* OSHA reglementation.

[@SparkLinkDevelopmentStudio]

I’m actually doing this!

[@KertaDrake]

When OSHA inspectors have nightmares, it's always narrated by Cave Johnson.

[@simonsoupshark8009]

"this really is like George Orwell's Animal Crossing" - Davey Gunface now this is definitely going into my quotes collection even if it is funnier with context

[@protoborg]

Except it is Animal Farm, not Crossing.

[@nordern1]

@@protoborg That's the joke

[@SuprSBG]

@@protoborg r/woooosh

[@ketchup901]

@@SuprSBG lol reddit xDDDDD

[@mcormier3934]

​@protoborg, congratulations, you found the joke

[@dotgone]

After all of the war crime coverage, now OSHA regulations, I look forward to perhaps, 'Food safety violations in Fallout.' Or maybe a combination of previous concepts, 'Child Labor Law violations in Pokemon/Evangelion'

[@DaveyGunface]

I'm really enjoying the concept of an in depth store analysis in an Elder Scrolls game. Based on a variety of factors ala location (both in their respective city and in Tamriel), demographic, how far their products are imported, etc.

[@flyguydev2008]

I think most of the fallout foods have something radioactive in them

[@masonsykes2240]

To be fair to the Fallout franchise, quite a few of the food items postdate the nuclear apocalypse that happened 200-ish years before the games start, and thus are A. fresh as fuck, and B. Not under the jurisdiction of the FDA any more than the Italian water pipe system is under the jurisdiction of the ancient Romans in charge of aqueducts. Yeah, everything you eat is irradiated, but everything around you is irradiated anyway! (Nuka Cola Quantum, on the other hand, has no excuse.)

[@johnroach9026]

@@masonsykes2240 Alright, but given that the IRS is still around in the post apocalypse (which they have planned around), the entire wasteland is going to prison for tax evasion

[@HungerGamesFan88]

child/animal welfare in pokemon

[@wolfydawolf1296]

44:08 something I only realized when I finally played the game myself, when I finally heard that dialogue without it being in the middle of a theory, is that that seemingly-contradictory advice actually makes perfect sense if you think about it a little. If aperture equipment makes people prone to hallucinations and delusions, then perceiving the companion cube as speaking to you is probably a common delusion. Glados tells you it cannot speak, because factually it can't speak to you, it's an inanimate object. She then tells you that if you do hear it speak to you, which you may because hallucinations are an expected side effect of testing, that you should disregard its advice, because you're hallucinating and it cannot help you, no matter how much it might like to. This begs the question of whether equipment that frequently induces psychotic symptoms in personnel who otherwise don't experience such symptoms violates any OSHA regulations.

[@tuvv1833]

"Don't let a employee, delerious from carbon monoxide posioning after working near a generator, operate heavy machinery" At least 2 violations in that scenario

[@wombatpandaa9774]

What's interesting to me is that it appears that Aperture *used* to be safe(r) but Glados has (unsurprisingly) made it much worse. Neat little character trait there.

[@chrispy5249]

This is a clarification on 31:23 In the Aperture Investment Opportunity promo for the Long Fall Boots it's sort of implied that they have a mechanism so that when launched the user will automatically move in a way that they always block the impact with the boots, which is then followed by Cave Johnson showing a clip of Chell under the caption that she was challenged to land on her head and was unable to. That said, that is in Portal 2, since he calls it a new feature of the Long Fall Boots it's safe to assume that didn't exist for the advanced knee replacements in Portal 1, and either GLaDOS refused to give Chell the long fall boots or she hadn't created them at the time.

[@computer_dude]

Well, since GLaDOS was dead when Chell got re-captured, the alternative where GLaDOS simply didn't put the Long-Fall Boots on her is quite likely, because Chell was under the autonomous (as in without GLaDOS command) Aperture Science care, and it probably gave it to her.

[@basedeltazero714]

The implication I got from that is that he's lying, and Chell is just good.

[@chrispy5249]

@@basedeltazero714 I understood that sentence as valve handwaving why Chell, Atlas or P-Body never hit their head ingame even when they realistically should.

[@skyebetired516]

I like how the advertising changed from the pudding being less toxic when it was pudding to be “slightly less non-toxic” so it was actually even more toxic than fiberglass. Also they were going to feed people fiberglass, toxicity isn’t the biggest issue with putting it in your mouth.

[@hughmann2309]

I love the idea of this man playing other games like this. Like imagine him in Bleak Falls Barrow, fighting back Dragur and all he can think is "WHERE'S THE GODDAMN HANDRAILS!"

[@crunchcmacmillan]

thanks for causing me to have an unreasonable obsession with checking any osha inspection results i can find in the wild. this has definitely helped me become a more functioning member of society.

[@broww.]

Ever since BDG stopped doing his unraveled series I was looking for someone to take real life concepts to games in an equally rigorous manner. Dave Gunface does not dissapoint.

[@kijete]

BDG has been replaced by DGF

[@kijete]

Dian Gavid Filbert

[@thecrimeskeleton4848]

i think some of the violations in portal 2 can be given the excuse of "this place has been abandoned for years"

[@dovahkat9635]

Heck I'm pretty sure there are condemned signs all over the place in the employee areas of the second game, so clearly some inspector found the place after the events of the first game, recognized it as the abandoned death trap that it was, and promptly marked it off limits to the public.

[@Slender_Man_186]

@@dovahkat9635 that was likely done even prior to the first game, because I’m pretty sure Portal 1 is set after Half Life 1 and the Combine’s takeover of earth.

[@Tritaiy]

​@@Slender_Man_186 I don't think portal 1 takes place after the combine takeover because of the fact that when chell gets teleported out of the facility, it was clear skies and nothing showed that there was combine tech or personnel was there.

[@dhl-96]

@@Tritaiy They say officially portal takes place in 2010. We know the black mesa incident happened in may of 200- so it was at least a year after the takeover. Also another reason is that there is a theory saying that GLaDOS partnered with the combine so that the combine would get apertures super advanced tech and aperture would be not invaded which would explain why it looks untouched.

[@RivLabs]

​@@dhl-96Plausible, but then why do we not see the combine make any use of the tech they would get out of the deal? You'd think that *something* out of the myriad horribly-lethal products Aperture developed would have found its way into use against the rebels.

[@captaincookie72]

56:28 I learned this in a lore recap of Half Life and portal but apparently they don't just get sucked up into the sky randomly. The reactor powering glados somehow creates a portal out of the facility that sucks up everything in the room.

[@GeorgeDCowley]

You fight a portal gun.

[@DropsOfMars]

To Glados' credit, once she comes back online she DOES start clearing up all that debris. It IS a great deal of debris though so in the time it was taking to clear it it probably shouldn't have been an actively testing facility.

[@Ramonatho]

As soon as Davey said "4 Or More Risers" I started having traumatic flashbacks. God I hate doing OSHA courses where that phrase is repeated thousands of times.

[@DaveyGunface]

Anything else bring back any unwanted memories? Not to exploit trauma here, but I am curious on what is relayed consistently

[@Ramonatho]

@@DaveyGunface lots of memories on how to properly use tools I have never even heard of before taking the course. Circular cutters must have a 270° guard/90° max cutting angle. I don't know what a circular cutters is.

[@DaveyGunface]

Circular cutters are bastards, it makes sense that so much emphasis would be put on them but the fact that you can recite that verbatim scares me, but in a weird sense it almost feels comforting knowing that I'm not alone.

[@Santisima_Trinidad]

@@Ramonatho a circular cutter i believe constitutes any cutting implement which has a rotating blade, including table saws, chop saws, and the *ridiculously deadly* cutting disks on angle grinders. Guards are important for all of those as not only is there risk of someone touching the blade, which is largely not busy cutting stuff, material removed by the blade can easily be thrown directly at the operator, potentially harming them and causing them to lose cotnrol of the device. appropriate guarding will entirely prevent that when used correctly.

[@gemstone4264]

@@DaveyGunface Construction worker here, the "contract/subcontractor" line made me flash back to the four times I've taken the OSHA 10. Thanks.

[@canebro1]

I'm only partway through, but I appreciate how the portal gun itself actually didn't violate many osha laws.

[@NXTangl]

Yeah. ...except he forgot that it contains a micro-black-hole that emits gamma rays.

[@Throckmorpheus]

to be fair we're using our universe's osha guidelines for this, not theirs. though tbh its still unclear whether an osha inspector ever managed to see a portal gun and make it out alive so I'm not sure they ever got a chance to regulate it either

[@royce_beyer]

@@Throckmorpheus They were probably the first test subject.

[@roamspida4951]

@@Throckmorpheus how do you think they know "don't look into the operational end of the device"

[@dustinbrueggemann1875]

@@NXTangl Depending on the emitted energy and shielding, the inclusion of a radioactive source critical to the function of the device is completely kosher. It might technically necessitate exposure time protocols such as dosimeters and procedure permits if it exceeds certain parameters, but overall that's actually a very manageable factor. Radiological components can be found everywhere in industry, from smoke detectors to CT scanners to thoriated welding rods, and all are completely safe and legal to operate.

[@teamcybr8375]

"I don't think it's kosher to gun down your employees with extreme prejudice" *The Coal Wars and The Pinkertons have entered the chat*

[@Reishadowen]

1:03:26: "No matter how dire a post apocalypse may be, no matter the circumstances or what options there are, no living persons would relegate themselves to living in Michigan." As someone who fled Michigan for literally anywhere else when I came of age, I found this way too funny.

[@creeper7ech520]

You know, I can see why aperture really doesn't want OSHA inspectors Geeze, not even the apocalypse can stop them

[@misspurdy27288]

the fact this ENTIRE video screams ‘I’m sick of writing this’ even when he DOESN’T mention it, is just beautiful.

[@TheRogueAdventurers]

I think the idea of when glados dies at the end of the first game is that she's powered by a single point energy field, basically a small contained black hole, which is why when you destroy her the explosion sucks everything upwards

[@dhl-96]

I always thought she was powered by those 4 spinning discs and that big cylinder basically only served for the things to connect to and as structural support I guess

[@1th_to_comment.]

Fun fact: that's how the portal gun is powered

[@augustomoreira7441]

15:58 in aperture's defense, its pretty much impossible to commit suicide in this room by accident, since the cube falls almost immediatçy after you enter the room, and the time it took for the cube to fall would be used to study the room in order to solve the puzzle.

[@mr.creeper6836]

As a 13-17 aged person myself, I can say that the one pogchamp was greatly appreciated.

[@xxscribbledragonxx9744]

as one who is not 13 - 17 I did not appreciate that pogchamp

[@PosthumanHeresy]

As one who is not 13-17 but is mentally ill, I liked it.

[@yeetionary]

as someone who is not 13-17 i was angered by the pogchamp

[@jerrywill8168]

As someone who is also not 13-17 the one pogchamp was amusing.

[@Aloneon_Mars8754]

As a fellow 13-17 year old, I can confirm, that single Pogchamp was perfect

[@Azurious]

"Go ahead and jump into the death sludge buckaroo" is now my favorite quote

[@animosity9197]

I have an awful cold and was miserable and unable to sleep last night, and this video brought me great joy. Loved hearing how Aperture did a surprisingly good job on their incinerator, at approximately the same time as hearing about how apparently you're not supposed to dispose of employees' bodies by stuffing them into cubes.

[@stargod3844]

I love imagining Cave Johnson specifically watching this video because I feel like he's the person that would not only take this video the most seriously, he's also the person that would actually get greatly offended by it

[@willem6605]

Aperture Science: *is entirely based around being as unsafe and inefficient as possible* This guy: "Look at this staircase!"

[@MrGeorgeFlorcus]

You know, I never really thought about it, but the fact that you can theoretically syphon out basically ALL of the Earth's air through one portal to the moon is... really fucked up, when you think about it

[@12halo3]

The combine would have done that anyway.

[@legomarioboy08]

@@12halo3 Good thing they never found out about the portal gun then.

[@friedrichhayek4862]

If the portal points to the earth there is a high chance it comes back.

[@So1]

What the hell would u even call that, galactic crimes?

[@kingbubbles9461]

I always assumed the blue gel killed you relatively slowly which would explain why Cave Johnson directly addressed anyone who touched it as if they were still alive and why Chel doesn’t get killed instantly.

[@haassteambraker9959]

I always assumed it'd kill you by making you do what a cube does when you coat it with gel. Bounce off of anything and every at increasingly dangerous speeds, except being a bundle of bones wrapped in meat instead of a sturdy metal cube.... you wouldn't even get the generosity of being accelerated as a whole. if your hand touched a wall, only your hand would be repelled. Appendages would twist, contort, fracture, dislocate with every impact. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if limbs could be completely severed if you bounced just wrong enough while covered. As for why Cave addresses people that might already have gel on them.... if they weren't standing directly in the path of a blob, it's possible someone may only get partially covered. Some on their limbs or face, something that wouldn't seem like an immediate issue until it violently repels something.

[@winglessdraco4865]

1:42:40 If you know, you know. Thank you Davey. If you don't know click the time stamp, and I hope it helps you like it helped me.

[@Myhrrylyth]

As always I loved the video but please make "Mr Johnson's crimes against humanity" a video. It sounds absolutely amazing.

[@Luuuma7]

Talking about OSHA and the post-apocalypse, there's a mod for Crusader Kings 3 called After the End which is set in the post-post-apocalypse. The Galvanist Religion ingame preserved regulations and business practices and use them as their holy text. The Titan Osha is the god of safety and they take their regulations very seriously.

[@JVMonge]

Come with me, and you’ll be, in a world of OSHA violations

[@PersephoneWise]

1:05:20 "George Orwell's Animal Crossing" really got me

[@greensauce2350]

Something to note about the Hazardous acid pools in some of the tests, they weren't actually there originally in the lore, and instead leaked into the chambers over the many years of Aperture science existing That's why GlaDos says touching the floor is punished by death because the acid wasn't there originally so they would just use neurotoxin or Turrets to kill you if you fell. so that means you can Get on Aperture for not performing Maintenance on their facility and thus letting hazardous waste enter certain parts of the chamber

[@Feezee223]

I always thought they meant to have acid there since on the little signs that are on the walls before the tests on of the pictures is someone falling into acid

[@kubauhlir1730]

@@Feezee223 I'm fairly certain that those test chambers were designed by Glados herself, long after her descent into madness

[@maxlin7986]

53:13 I believe that the Missile turret is completely legal according to the law that shows up on screen, as it isn't an employee (as the robot is not a person) and does keep it's explosives in a locked up magazine, it's internal missile compartment.

[@Streetcleanergaming]

The missile turret is more legal than the stairs

[@ElliLavender]

Thank you for the monolouge at 1:42:35. I'm having a rlly hard time lately and I've been thinking about un-aliving myself again, so I re-watched this video mostly to keep myself occupied and distracted, but I kinda forgot about this part of the video from my last time I watched it, so this hit me pretty hard lol (Third time trying to comment this, it seems like a few words are banned either in your comments or on yt in general? I still wanted you to know that this actually made an impact. I hope this one will get posted lol, if not I'll stop trying lmao)

[@kylefinn5301]

I think P2 takes place somewhere inbetween 20-40 years after P1. Some of the relaxation vaults you pass by in The Courtesy Call have labels on them with expiration dates, meaning that there’s a limited time they can keep a human in stasis. Plus, Aperture at the beginning of P2 looks as dilapidated as Chernobyl at present day.

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

To be fair something Happened at chernobyl to break things. That wasn't the case at Aperture, only natural decay which takes much longer

[@theodorixjohnson4336]

Ahhhh as an osha person this brings a warmth to my heart

[@caster25000]

Davey: Holy shit, did Aperture finally crack the code on... - stairs collapse - Davey, preparing The Stairs Rant: I didn't want to have to do this, especially after the Pokemon Afterlife rant, but you have forced my hand.

[@reeseronithemacaroni8946]

This video is the ultimate sleep aid. I have not fallen asleep so quickly since the hobbit trilogy (no joke, fell asleep halfway through every single movie)

[@trashgoblin4464]

Love the video, honestly feel a follow up with Half-Life's Black Mesa could be pretty interesting too, what with interdimensional portals and even the industrial areas

[@Awesomeness-iz3dh]

1:40:17 If you fell into a bottomless pit, you'd just be stuck there until the facility explodes, so really it's just shortening that process for gameplay's sake.

[@yootscute4769]

I'm willing to bet the reason the fans stop when you put a radio in them is that the code for the fans you stop with objects in Half Life 2 was just copied over to Portal without it being changed.

[@slateoffate9812]

44:29 I think the best case for the Companion Cube is that it is sentient(Glados confirmed it in Portal 2), but only because Aperture thought it was a good idea to make virtually everything sentient, including door mainframes! If it was a human or not? I'm leaning towards no. Glados was the first full human mind upload, and Personality Cores(which very well may have human were it not for their very stereotypical personalities, though that could also be a product of their purpose rather than their origin) came later, and if I remember correctly the Cubes did appear in old Aperture, before Cave died. The Companion Cube could be more than just an Aperture Cube with a heart on it, but... Why? I know Aperture isn't exactly known for having good ideas but still.

[@AverageConsumer-uj8sm]

i still loved it 😢

[@1031Vulcan]

What a great video idea! If you want to analyze OSHA violations in another Source game, please consider checking out INFRA, where the whole premise is exploring degrading public facilities like power plants and subways and taking pictures of structural flaws and safety violations.

[@CalamitasCalliope]

I think it's very possible that the repulsion gel doesn't harm Chell because it harms the subject slowly like a carcinogen

[@FastForwardPlans]

The moons dust is effectively metallic bits and rock with the texture of ground glass. So it kills you in a way similar to breathing in asbestos.

[@verylostdoommarauder]

0:14 The thing about the "Valve making seemingly nothing" thing is that they only announce a project when it's close to being finished. That means that they won't have to openly cancel and disappoint a bunch of people and it keeps hype from going out of control.

[@dovahkat9635]

While understandable on paper, realistically it's not the most sound business decision to completely ghost your community without explanation, with the only indication that the company still exists being maintenance updates on its existing games.

[@Appletank8]

@@dovahkat9635 On the other hand, we'd have articles going "Valve Cancels Half Life 3 for the 5th time"

[@cj-3810]

@@dovahkat9635 and the upkeep of one of the most popular and used game libraries and online store/social platforms

[@cj-3810]

and the production of consoles that has still been the top in their competitive market

[@cj-3810]

@@dovahkat9635 They also did not “ghost the community without explanation” there was an explanation they gave paired with Half Life Alyx, it’s the lack of oversight and administration of employees which stems from their pretty laissez-fair approach to game development. With 10 games and ideas being worked on for a couple of months, developer engagement dropping, and then the development stopping to move onto another experiment.

[@armystuntman8601]

this is hilarious to listen to, it's like the Aperture safety guy giving a presentation of everything wrong with the company knowing full well that nothing will be addressed.

[@maxzapsgamingzepzeap2337]

I was always under the impression that, because this takes place in the same world as Half Life, the reason there was acid was because infrastructure had been weakening due to lack of maintenance, which is why it all looked so dirty

[@sterben7494]

1:38:20 Other things that the emancipation grill might also rid of being crowns, tooth enamel, fillings, and teeth. According to GLaDOS's line in chamber 2 of the first game. Not sure if casually losing those is against OSHA or not, but in my eyes should still be noted.

[@charlesinatortheponyfeatur224]

To be fair to that staircase that breaks in the backrooms of aperture during the escape in the first game, the stairs are clearly eroded, rust, and all around worse for wear. And it's safe to assume that most rooms, especially ones not designated for testers, havent been touched for ages. So basically, if chell wasn't one of the last humans to ever walk in apertures halls, it is safe to assume that the stairs would have been refurbished long before they would have a chance to start eroding to time. Of course, I'm not well versed in OSHA laws, or in how stairs eroded to begin with, so maybe there's still an argument to be made against them

[@No.1RatedSalesman]

Explosives are never used in portal by the turrets, just springs

[@gen157]

The amount of times I've tried to dissect the actual written law to win a KZbin argument is uncountable now at 15+ years. It is definitely a complicated subject and I'm glad "Law School" was never a thing I thought about attending. Also, Chell, not Shell. :> As in Mitchell, not Michelle.