Day 25 - Dealing with irritating events

[@probablynot1368]

I have no idea why the KZbin algorithm recommended this video to me today. Here’s my comment, expressed with deepest sincerity: 1. At your age (being a student), yes, a number of these meetings will be transactional as you establish yourself. Continue to attend these meetings and master the art of active listening while you become a recognized and interesting student. You’ll pick up a great amount of knowledge, but you’ll also pick up tidbits of personal information, such as a person’s preference of Italian cuisine, another’s favorite football team, or another’s passion for gardening. People enjoy talking about themselves regarding what brings joy to their life. Learn just a little bit about these different subjects, ask simple questions of them: “Were you able to solve that aphid problem in your garden?”, or “I understand you’re a fan of Italian cuisine; could you recommend an easy dish to cook, along with a paired wine that fits with a student’s budget?”, or “I was able to catch a view of the end of the last game; wasn’t that an exciting ending?” People are touched when others remember their interests, but what they’ll remember most about you is how wonderful you made them feel. 2. While at the meeting, it would have taken you but a moment to step aside, text your female friend, who you’d been looking forward to meeting at the library, and informing her there was a possibility that you might be about 10 minutes later (or whatever it was, as you said you were running late) than you had planned. At the time of this video, do you even know if she had arrived, waited a few minutes, and left, thinking you’d stood her up? Rather than get all bothered about it, and think of the time/cost in making time to see her - and now turning it into a transactional episode (“I gave up time and I gave up money to be there.”) - it would have been better to text her from the library, explaining that you’d run late and apologize for your delay in arriving. You shoulder some of the burden, and put the ball in her court to explain her absence. This could all be a misunderstanding; however, this might be her way of rethinking things, and taking a step backwards (even just momentarily) into the strictly ‘friend zone’ while she analyzes her or your intent. PLEASE don’t approach her with any version of your thoughts/speech from 6:46 to 8:06, as it’s guaranteed to destroy any bit of a budding relationship. Clearly, you want a relationship. Healthy relationships involve two partners who are often progressing at different rates, with different needs. Again, work at perfecting the art of active listening, always striving to be a better version of yourself. 3. Dinner. Dude! You made dinner early, and then informed your roommates that the food was prepared? They arrived home to a meal that had been sitting for how long to cool off? Do they even enjoy that type of cuisine? Be grateful that the kitchen was cleaned, and the food was put away to enjoy for another meal. If you each have assigned meal preparation/cooking nights, and you’ve got a meeting that prevents you from cooking dinner for everyone at a predetermined group ‘dinner time’, then communicate ahead of time, asking if someone would trade their meal cooking turn with yours. They might have all groaned about arriving home to a meal that they couldn’t fully enjoy, so they stopped for a quick bite on the way home. Take a moment to be grateful that they cleaned up and stored the food in the fridge, rather than throw it out. You perseverate on your personal “time and cost” to your detriment. 4. Remaining at the flat with your roommates. The economics and location appear to be working for you…..again, in a transactional way. Your three female roommates obviously have developed a friendship that doesn’t include you. This happens, even if all the roommates are males. You seem to yearn for recognition, perhaps more of a ‘comrade’ relationship. If you want this, then you must work at communicating more effectively, such as asking about meal preferences/spice levels, offering to wash up their dishes, perhaps sharing a bottle of wine a colleague mentioned at the meeting of the British High Commission you’d attended the prior week. Show some interest in their studies, their work, etc. You can do this without getting caught up in any personal relationship drama they may be going through by establishing some healthy boundaries. Remember, YOU may want to stay, but THEY may collectively approach you about moving on. This might be your wake-up call. @14:15, you say, “I’m willing to forgive, as long as they show me that they’re willing to take steps to mitigate the same event happening again.” What? They may be completely unaware that any transgression has taken place. Do you even know that ‘library stand-up gal” didn’t have a personal emergency that prevented her from meeting you? Your roommates may be unaware that your feelings are hurt because they didn’t eat the meal you prepared for them. How can any of these people mitigate what they are unaware of? @ 14:28, you state “I’ll be kind, but I won’t be nice. I’ll be understanding and empathetic, but I won’t let them walk over me.” That’s why it’s important to set healthy, realistic boundaries. By the way, it is possible to be kind AND nice, while being understanding and empathetic, and standing within your respectful boundaries - as well as honoring the boundaries of others. Please lower your expectations a bit, as people of varying ages, talents and intellect cannot all be held to the same level. You’ll be absolutely delighted when others exceed your expectations. This comes from someone who has lived at least 40 years longer than you have. While holding yourself to high standard, always stay open to the unexpected, unpredictable joys of life.

[@bennnyoung]

Hey mate! Firstly, thank you very much for your comment and its sincerity. You probably spent a considerable amount of time writing it and for whatever reason that you did, worthwhile criticism always stings a little. It's important to be humbled weekly, so thank you! I've read through this a few times now and thought a lot about what you said. You won't be interested in any explanation on my part and it's clear that I failed to properly articulate the situation in a way that might add sufficient context. Nonetheless, your general comments are helpful and something I will reflect more on. Seriously, thank you for your candour. Have a lovely day!