Dealing With An Addicted Family Member

If you’re dealing with an addicted family member you’ve likely asked yourself, “when is it time to walk away”. This is a tough and heartbreaking decision that causes enormous distress. In this video, I’ll give you some helpful guidelines on how/when to make this decision.
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[@PutTheShovelDown]

📌For more information on setting healthy boundaries with an addicted loved one, watch this next: 👉 kzbin.info/aero/PLaaJWwIpP_zaSO2T0UAQ7X5elGVsphwIV

[@pinkcottoncandy556]

Put The Shovel Down im so glad I found your channel I have been dealing with the verbal abuse that I’m a bad parent from my addicted son! Regardless of all we have done to try helping him a getting him on the right track. I am so tired and at my wits end I feel helpless, I even feel to the point that I keep thinking over and over that I have done something wrong somewhere along the way . I don’t know what to do with the last lot of abuse I don’t deserve any of this behaviour from my adult child . My home seems to be just a storage for all his belongings . He never says sorry or I never remorseful for the nasty words

[@PutTheShovelDown]

pinkcottoncandy556 I’m so sorry you’ve been going through that. It’s sounds terrible. 😢 my next 2 videos coming out are about that very topic. Have you seen the ones on manipulation. It sounds like your son is manipulating you by making you second guess yourself and being abusive so that you won’t push back.

[@pinkcottoncandy556]

Put The Shovel Down Thankyou for your reply, I have not seen that one but I will be sure to watch it. Thankyou so very much 🙏🏽

[@PutTheShovelDown]

pinkcottoncandy556 happy to help🙂

[@christinamorales6887]

My son is an addict and his dad kicked him out of the house 🏡 he is 29 years old. I moved out of State to regain my peace and life.

[@solaris808]

Went through parental abuse by my addicted daughter for 20 years. Recently she wants to come home. She is still actively addicted. I had to say no. Now I’m the bad guy and I’m sure I’m being used to keep her in the victim role. I’ve grieved. I’m good to go. Sometimes, I have moments of sadness, but my health and sanity is more important to me. This too shall pass.

[@druo7840]

❤️

[@bradjbourgeois73]

That sleeping with your wallet and keys under your pillow comment hit hard!

[@AnitaBarneycastle]

Absolutely!

[@LisaLisa0624]

💔

[@chickenfishhybrid44]

It's insane

[@msladyluck79]

I know right!! It wasn't until I watched her videos that I realized how abusive and flat out toxic my (ex) fiance was being.

[@pixfan2008]

Done that...and so much more.😢

[@harpgal9950]

Recently changed number and blocked email. AS's poor decision led to homelessness, relapse, ER visit, etc. Now in rehab, 4th go round. He's extremely angry/hurt, but 20 years of not listening to any reasonable input, I'm stepping back. Lies, manipulation, ruined family relationships have been our life. Broken.

[@janjan6661]

1.Physically abusive/emotionally abusive. You have to protect yourself first. 2. You completely lost yourself. You get to the point where you dont know who you are. Manipulation and fear does this. Self doubting yourself. 3. Intimidation. Bullying. When its caused you so much financial distress. They steal and refuse to work. Protect yourself and anyone who is affected such as other family members.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're a great note taker, Jan Jan

[@swishaz8959]

This shit is real , take care of yourselves siblings !

[@SophieBird07]

Thank you. What a nightmare to have to cut ties with your (adult) child. But that little girl I used to know is gone. I’ve tried enough. I took her back one last time, she had no place to go, she wanted to restart Methadone. I helped her get set up in a program again. But a few days later she walked away saying she would be back that evening and never returned. She could be dead, but most likely isnt. I have mourned her probable death so many times over the years, contacting me after months (when happy and apparently high). I know she has problems beyond her addiction, (a chicken/egg situation), but I simply can’t help her. It is beyond my capacity. She can’t care about her family, as charming as she can seem in the moment. There is a serious disconnect in her thinking. I just cannot do it anymore. She has 3 “functioning” older siblings, one a drug addiction counsellor. I finally had to listen to them. She just hasn’t bottomed out yet, apparently, still bargaining with the devil I guess. There are no words really to describe pain. It just goes against human nature to abandon your “child”, even when she is 30 yrs old. Your videos are so helpful in any event. And much needed.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's just heartbreaking Sophia 😓 You're right, it's not natural for a parent to have to walk away from their child, but addiction is basically forcing you to have to.

[@joncooksey1]

Sophia...... I am in the same place with my sister. You have stated your case so eloquently I could not have done any better myself. Thank you for having the courage to put into print what I have been dealing with concerning my alcoholic sister. I will always love my sister but I cannot and will not tolerate what she has put me through these last several years any longer. Its OVER.

[@keishamari]

I wonder how you are doing now, Sophia. I am in a very similar situation myself. I tried to get my 40 year old daughter set up again to succeed. She actually had 11 days clean. but she went back down that road and what made me think I am finally done is that she stole my vehicle over the weekend and left me stranded two hours from home. I did get my vehicle back unharmed but I just have to be done. That was 5 days ago and neither me or her ex or her daughter have heard from her. This is unusual and my heart is breaking for my granddaughter. I am going to a families anonymous meeting for me this weekend. Trying to get over this constant worrying.

[@SophieBird07]

@@keishamari Hi Diane. What crazy road we walk along. My daughter is back yet again at the moment. Long story of course but apparently bottomed out a few months back, and contacted a neighbor/friend who eventually talked me into taking in both she and now her addicted boyfriend. It was winter and they were homeless. I wish I could say this is a happy ending and she is doing well, but her albeit friendly and considerate boyfriend, cannot get accepted into the clinic she attends, for one reason or another and we can’t get a straight answer as to why. They would be in different programs. Anyway she is doing well, but he is complete dead weight and if he goes she will and she is making great progress at the moment. I feel like I have a couple of 12-14 yr olds here, but streetwise at the same time and of legal age. I understand your concern for your granddaughter. It’s terrible to have to think “thank the powers that be that my daughter isn’t pregnant. Not something a grandmother should be thinking. My daughter did have to completely bottom out before she decided she needs to make a change, but it is such a tight wire they walk and make us walk as well. I truly hope your daughter comes around. Some people take longer than others. My neighbor is in his sixties and just this past year has started on methadone. It is such an exhausting “habit” being in constant pursuit of not getting sick!

[@dean7468]

Yeah my daughter has an alcohol problem and my adult granddaughter has been hooked on heroin for 10 years. I’ve tried multiple times. Looong story but I’m ready to cut all ties. I need to heal. We’re fighting over the 12 yr old custody and they’re turning the youngest against me. It’s insane. I’m hurt manipulated used… every word you can think of.

[@amberscott576]

Thank you. I am silently losing all my marbles trying to hide the state of destruction I’ve allowed. I’ve been ignoring my gut feelings and am in financial ruin because I love and believe in a meth/ casino addict. I’m so happy to find your channel- I’m tired of the roller coaster. I was feeling crazy.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Amber. My heart is sad for you. I know what it's like to feel held hostage by this issue. 💔. Stick with us, and we will help walk you through this nightmare one step at a time.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

P.S. Nice name

[@tleemf6923]

🙏🕊💜💫💜🕊🙏

[@bobbibloom2479]

Thank you for having this information out there! I'm ready to walk away from a non-communicative person with addiction issues who isn't taking care of their illness. It's definitely time for me to take care of me.

[@Rockerlady]

Totally! Your own health and well being are more important. I have a relative who showed up after many years, asking for financial help. Claimed he wasn't using drugs anymore. Shows up a few days later and got angry and hostile when I told the truth. This person has talked down to me and my siblings/ parents as far as I can remember. Some people are just selfish narcissists who refuse to get help. That is their problem. All they do is manipulate. Some people can't stop burning bridges and never learn.

[@deelo4153]

I thought I was just crazy about sleeping with my purse under my pillow for years and walking on eggshells until you said it here...among other things. Thank you so much for this channel Amber.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi DeeDee, I'm so glad this was helpful 😁

[@druo7840]

Oh. Me too!

[@djames5137]

The life before addiction? That was 15 years ago. I have no more hope or expectations left for my loved one.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sounds like you're pretty exhausted

[@janicerennie422]

Omg the mom in your story about the codependent mom is totally me. I can't stop. He calls and nags and shows up at my work... it is insane.

[@LexisaVianey]

raised by a single mother and she became an addict around the time i was in middle school/high school… i had to move out and live with my uncle because of how abusive my mother got. sometimes you have to say enough is enough

[@rockulikeahurricane]

Thank you for this!!! I’ve always heard, “when you’ve had enough you’ll know it” and after 32 years I’m finally starting to see my marriage in the view of a third person looking in and not just from the inside of it. I can see things so much clearer now. I’m so thankful to have found your channel. XO

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sounds like you're starting to starting to see things objectively!

[@rockulikeahurricane]

@@PutTheShovelDown wth took me so long though?? I guess maybe because i know there is a good person in there and i always feel like I’m deserting the good person along with the alcohol person and i really do hate it but For a while now the alcohol person has been showing up way more than the good person. It’s like I’m living with two different people. There is a drunk person and then there is my husband. I literally hate the drunk person and in any other circumstance and i was introduced to this drunk person i would not even associate with that person but yet he’s been forced on me and it’s heartbreaking that something can have so much power over a person.

[@TheMondika]

She has a great video regarding this. It goes into the guilt and fear of it all should check it out. I don’t know how to attach the link but She still has it listed

[@rockulikeahurricane]

@@TheMondika thank you!!! Do you remember the title of video by chance?

[@TheMondika]

It’s called why it’s so freakin hard to detach from your loved one

[@jessieconway5868]

Thank you - you just confirmed what I had decided to do is the right thing - my husband is the addict. I’ll save this for times when I’m doubting myself!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Jessie, I'm glad this was helpful for you.

[@All12rounds]

My parent has been addicted to drugs for my entire life. They are now a senior citizen addict and I am so resentful. I am exhausted and ready to distance myself. I feel guilty doing so because they’re aging. But I am tired. 😢

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It’s okay to do what’s best for you. You’ve probably been taking on those responsibilities for a long time

[@dominiquejazz]

This is exactly what I needed to hear today! Thank you so much, Amber, for your contribution to so many people's healing

[@millieperez5367]

Hi Amber. I've watched this several times and each time it sounds better. My addictive son moved out two months ago and I feel such a huge burden off me. Since he left, he's been so verbally abusive to me. I've decided to cut him off. I've done all I know and possibly can do. All the help is so unappreciated and financially he's wiped me out getting him a place to live. My next move: I'm changing my phone number. Thank you so much. You have really been a blessing to me past few years. Be blessed. 🌹❤️

[@lorettareid4120]

Your videos are always helpful...my 29 year old son lives with me ...been using for about 8 years...living on the east coast of Canada putting him out is very heartbreaking with our weather... love him dearly and I am willing to support any recovery he may want to do... resources are limited here and very costly...at wits end..I will keep watching you as I do get some strength from you..you are truly a blessing

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Loretta, Sorry you're going through such a terrible situation. Addiction puts parents in the worst possible position.

[@susankrol2911]

I have been dealing with the same thing. My adult son picked up heroin/fentanyl at the age of 29, he is now going on 37… Still living with me, and I am a single mother. I have put him in rehab three times, kicked him out a few times, saved his life twice, and now I found him stealing from his daughter, Who is my granddaughter, and she is seven years old. She was given $30 from her other grandfather, my son took it from her, and called her a liar. This is where he crossed the line. He will either be going to live with his brother in Florida, or going to rehab tomorrow morning, or I am having a police officer remove him from my property Tomorrow. Maybe he can do all that shitty crap to me, but he really screwed up when he stole from his seven-year-old daughter. Then he called her a liar. The look on her poor face… I will never forget. I am praying for you and your son.

[@mautse7120]

What a terrible thing to do! You did the right thing. Messing with a child’s mind is realy not done.

[@paulaneary7877]

Thanks for putting this information out there. I know it has helped me. When you talk about all the negative emotions I feel like at least ONE person understands how I feel right now. Just had to draw the line in the sand a month ago. Have not heard from him since. Been through 15 years of EVERY kind of manipulation, name calling, bullying, crying, guilting, silent treatment etc. etc. etc. He has threatened to "never speak to me again" so many times I can't count. The HOSTAGE IN YOUR OWN HOME is so relatable it is awful. Just couldn't live that way anymore. Now I am dealing with the guilt and self doubt of weather I made the right decision. I never told him it was "forever." I just had to make a decision. I am so sad it is amazing that I can even function. My family just blames ME and says, "You should have done this..." Or, "You should have done that a long time ago...." basically making me feel like I did something wrong and made all the wrong decisions and the problem is ME. NO THANKS. Anyways, thanks for possibly being the ONLY person who understands how I have felt for the last month. I appreciate it. (NO, I don't need to go get labelled by AA, NA, and counsellors. Have no use for it, it didn't work when I tried it.)

[@PutTheShovelDown]

These types of relationships can be very abusive! 😫

[@lynnekulick3262]

You are amazing, one of the best teachers; most applicable advice and examples that truly help me- thank you! ❤🙏

[@icidaimon5670]

Thank you for your content, it has been extremely helpful 💛

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome!

[@whitneyherem3614]

This helped me feel a lot better about my decision to back up for a minute. (Unsure how long that minute will be, it’s been 3 days so far). But all three of those situations were where I have been. And the uncertainty over “is this helping or hurting?” has been toughest. But I needed to do it for me, and my sanity and my ability to breathe for a moment and sleep without watching him breathe all night. Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Whitney, thanks so much for the positive feedback. It sounds like you definitely needed to get a break from it!

[@whoooami2090]

As a mother of an adult child sometimes you have to cut ties to keep your mental, physical and financial health. Ha I’ve a daughter that has lost custody of her 2 children in the first marriage, both used drugs. Now remarried to a meth addict who seemed so normal for 3-4 yrs and a great guy, then once off probation he relapsed big time. Was arrested twice with a few weeks. Daughter is an alcoholic and had been doing well until all of this going on with her husband. She drank one night because she couldn’t take how his behavior was ruining their life, they fought, he had her arrested. I’ve dealt with this for over 20 years and I’ve finally decided no more. I hate what it does to the children but at my age, I cannot raise them. I have tried that one before only to have the other grandparent bring the child back with her son so she could control him into do what she wanted. After that CPS became involved. Eventually he and my daughter ended up back together only to have another child and then divorced. The grandchildren are now adults and the other in high school. They have many issues now. It’s so hard to watch your children spiral down and continue making bad choices. This mother wants a divorce form her own child. I can’t do it anymore.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sometimes you really do have to protect yourself!

[@christinamorales6887]

This video will help you understand kzbin.info/www/bejne/r6SZhXaFlNSfhcU

[@kristinmolina508]

I needed this.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so glad you found it helpful!

[@kathylethem6575]

I have been dealing with this for over 20yrs with my son...my hert hurts and emotionally I am exhausted

[@btwthblood]

Thank you...this was very helpful!

[@user-vf3fg1gl7pMsSandy]

Hi Amber, Excellent video, thank you soo much for your confirmation. In my perspective, One has to stay safe in every way. One can lead the person(addict) to the water, mentoring and showing responsibility, new healthy ways of dealing with life on life's terms with one exception; If it starts to damage You, then it is a personal choice to disconnect from the person(addict) for your own well being in every aspect of Your life. One must also explain this to the person(addict) as well, He/She must understand your reasoning for either, "no contact or a final all out Goodbye!" I also feel that it is Your responsibility to ""Accept"" the situation for what it is and repair your own life on life's terms for you. The key in all this is for both person's to stay safe for ones own well being in every way. Must be explained. No sides. That is my perspective only. Thank-you Amber, You are amazing.💜💜

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Very objective thinking and advice. Thanks Sandy!

[@user-vf3fg1gl7pMsSandy]

@@PutTheShovelDown Thank-you Amber for all your wonderful support and very hard work. Open mind, open spirit. 😊💜💖👍👍

[@debbiestewart6358]

I found you. love to listen . Have a adult daughter with drug addiction . New listener

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Debbie, Welcome to Put The Shovel Down! So glad to have you as part of our community💖. I think you'll find loads of good resources for your situation with your daughter.

[@valsptsd814]

His drug of choice is online gaming. And when I finally found out, and confronted him, it was years too late. He became physically threatening in 12 days. After 37 years of friendship and marriage with zero physical fights, he became huge and leaned in over me and bellowed. Sticking his hand in my face pointing and shaking it at me. The entire event was over in under 10 seconds. But I realized I did not know this person at all. And could no longer trust him, or turn my back without that little voice in my head narrating a thousand different crime stories that start just like this. There is no coming back and patching things up. I live with my mom. And did when this happened. He will not be permitted to be near her ever again. He will not be permitted near me again. My trust disintegrated in those 10 seconds. I keep looking at the addicted spouse videos to see if I quit too soon. Did my actions make this worse for him? Will he be forced to recovery? Or commit bigger crimes? Did I hurt somebody I loved? Did I overreact? Doesn’t matter. I won’t negotiate this path with him, if I’m doing it alone and need to be cautious of me and my families physical safety.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sounds like you're committed to keeping the boundary.

[@HollyMurphy3]

Jealous of how quick you put your foot down, and stood your ground! That’s what everyone wishes they could do instead of wasting years getting around to it.

[@martaarconada5830]

I LOVE the way you deliver your reflections... You are really a maravillous theraphyts

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thank you!

[@Oralene.]

Thank you so much for this . It was much needed dealing with my 21 year old middle child

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure Oralene! I'm glad it was helpful 😊

[@michaelpacheco393]

@@PutTheShovelDown I need to speak to you how can I contact you ?

[@carlagarrett3244]

thanks for the great information

[@kyleanahurley6155]

Thank you so much for your videos

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure, Kyleana!

[@ESumner]

I can’t believe you said the purse thing. I was sleeping with all my most important paperwork, belongings, wallet, savings, keys, and then bringing it all to work with me in a backpack… so he wouldn’t take it. The things he’s done to me are at the level of Satan…. I was tunnel vision in fear…. Couldn’t even eat cause I was too scared to go to the kitchen or he’d corner me and accuse me of cheating… or make it known he was going out and cheating on me

[@debyorkshirelass9674]

Hope you stayed strong ❤

[@ramonamuniz6509]

He was withdrawing from meth and he had me dangling off the floor with one hand and had an 8 inch knife in my face with the other. All of his fingers were imprinted on my neck. I walked away a year and a half after it all began. Took me a long time because I was scared to hear his voice on the phone when he called from prison. I was terrified of him until I stopped caring.

[@boarhog1979]

I get anxiety attacks when I deal with a brother for the last 30 yrs. It is pathetic on all levels

[@arock7462]

When my 40 year old alcoholic daughter shamed me for spending time helping my terminally ill brother . That was it. Blocked.

[@terryweaver9770]

U’r 2nd point was spot on w/ me

[@vincikapalmer]

Wow January 30 that is my birthday! And i just found you a few days ago because i dealing with my husband with an alcohol addiction

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Welcome to our little community, Vincikapalmer! So glad you're here. 😁

[@m_d1905]

Never an easy decision.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💔 I know

[@yessicaplascencia2389]

My brother relapsed after 2 times going to a rehab center but this time his Alot more violent we're my mom felt he could kill her after destroying the house with a hammer. She had to do a restraining order and move out order but he is not right In his mind anymore and came back to the house. My mom is scare to go back home and she doesn't want him to go to the streets or jail but I told her enough is enough. I wish he would want the help and go to rehab again but he doesn't want it. My family and I don't know what to do anymore. My mom has been so scare of him that she was afraid to even tell him anything and she will always give in and let him stay after stealing from her and treating her bad. Now she's waiting for him to leave the house to sell it so he won't find her.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow yessica, your mom is really being held hostage by this!

[@anderson49100]

All of the above!

[@sarahperry2745]

My 21 year old son has literally destroyed his life after his latest relapse with cocaine and lost all his friends money home etc. He is very verbally abusive and aggressive and so his Dad and I are now very reluctant to meet with him now. We have tried to offer help and support through messages ( he lives in the next town) but even that ends with threats and blame and name calling aimed at us even though we dont react. He says hes angry because we are not visiting him but its the other way round, also we think hes only trying to get us to visit him so he can try and get money from us . He has a 4 year old daughter who we have twice a week and hes demanding we bring her to see him. We have said if he gets help with his addiction and speaks better to us we are more than happy to visit him with her but hes just constantly turning it round on to us and not accepting our point of view. We have now blocked him and we really want to help him but just don't know what to do or where to go from here. Any advice ?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Don't let him be verbally or physically abusive to you. That's just bullying. If he wants to talk appropriately then you can have a rational conversation.

[@TapIntoAlignment]

They can’t see themselves completely in the mirror if we’re standing in front of it.

[@billbrunton2361]

Seems much easier dealing with drug and alcohol addiction than compulsive spending. No physical abuse here but no doubt I have been angry about this for many years and without help, I made things worse I am sure. 25+ years of this and what you say about the hostage holding, the losing yourself and being driven mad to wonder who I am in my craziness, sleepless nights, and now massive financial stress, is all true and has driven me to divorce for my sanity. With retirement, I cannot make enough to continue co-depending and finally faced the long, long history of lies. Very sad about my failure to help but after trying to reconcile and change, I am soon free. Sad along the way there was no significant help for my wife when we did finally look,

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Bill, I can tell that it's been a tough grieving process for you.

[@joebyrne4505]

I have just found this channel and wish I found it a long time ago.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Joe, welcome to our little community. We're glad your here 😀 "better late than never!"

[@aleshabolay1203]

Thank you so much

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're most welcome ☺

[@marcgomez6404]

I temporarily cut ties with my father after the lies and guilt trips got to me. The divorce, the toxic dysfunctional family and now the drugs. Gotten to the point where I've literally told Him I no longer want to be a part of it.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sometimes you just have to get some distance, and that's okay!

[@marcgomez6404]

He still thinks that we don't know about his addiction. But why would a drug addict offer to give me $100 for my birthday? When he's always the one asking people for money. I told him no I don't want it and he tried everything in the book. I still haven't seen the money. It was probably used as some plot/ploy to get me to do something like he always does. But why would he even fancy the idea of giving someone else money?

[@djmaydraws3862]

@@marcgomez6404 I think we might have similar situations. Struggling with my father too

[@theresadoran1893]

Yes intimidating and some physical abuse can’t live like it anymore ! Afther 35 yrs can’t do it anymore the mental abuse is too much have tried for so long ! . He still can’t see that he’s behaviour is unacceptable. I’m divorcing him at the moment and it’s hard but there’s a better future for my daughter with learning disabilities and myself . Thank you !

[@kristinmolina508]

Thank you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome, Kristin!

[@djmaydraws3862]

I generally see like 0 information about adult children with their own families dealing with addict parents. Absolutely the household comes first, but the balance feels near impossible to find. Especially when the person has health issues and is demanding help from you but refuses to admit he’s using

[@billywylie8199]

I have an adult son that pulled a pistol on me in the parking lot of a restaurant in broad daylight all because I refused to give him some money.A long story short I was able to disarm him and take control of the situation.I thank God for allowing me to take control of the situation along with being a former federal law enforcement agent.He had been sober for six months then relapsed the night before.That was literally my last chance he will get.Not to mention the six car notes and insurance payments I paid for him while he was sober,working a full time job.I kicked him out of the house and legally took possession of the vehicle I co-signed for.On his exit leaving the house he threw everything that his mother and I got him for his 21 birthday the month before in the trash outside.The next morning I found out he quit his job.I wish him the best luck to sobriety.While he was living back home I noticed behind all the posters I had taken down in his old bedroom there were holes in the walls from anger issues.To anyone or family members reading this I hope all of y’all the best of luck who are struggling with a family member or friend with addiction issues.

[@amarynth100]

when we talk about addiction is not so much an environment issue , but the cause is always the family .parents who throw on small children unconsciously heavy stuff create addicts ... the first traumas and illnesses are gained in the familiar circle .i see itt every day

[@KyleNewton-zo1wy]

(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). Successful Addiction Programs Insist in Involving the Entire Famileye System and on Creating Changes in the way each Famileye Member Interact with each other within tha System other wise the Famileye system itself acts az an oppositional force to the addict's soberity sio often the dysfunctional taking place in a Famileye system is the very reason tha one of its member has turned to addiction in the first place

[@jennaletizia5430]

My alcoholic son has hurt me before. He threatened to kill me if I didn’t help him pay his rent again.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's emotional abuse for sure 😢

[@tracykawelenga-sb1wh]

I have 48 year old son whi is a alcohol, doesn't want to work, wash his clothes, even clean his room. He tells me direct on my face that l will never leave alcohol. I am tired l buy him from underwear, to shoes. If you more than two he sales one. He steal from house from teaspoon, cups, plates even pots. Any spare you don't use consider it gone. I pushed him to sleep at the back of the house and he stole my chickens. I am tired. Thank you l now know what to do

[@gopherbar]

10:29 I left my wife of 7 years because of her drinking and mentally abusive behaviour towards me. Sometimes hitting me when she got angry when I confronted her. It was and is the hardest thing I ever did. I saw how the woman I married who was the most happy loving woman to a dependent alcoholic who once drunk became this nasty hateful woman. I am single but often think of her and hope she got help, she would always say if I didn’t like her drinking I could fook off. That hurt the most because I then realised the booze meant more to her than me.

[@isabelleboulay2651]

I used to hide the knives, wore boots to go to bathroom in the middle of the night (because there might be glass on the floor). Used to wake up at 3 am every night for years after I left because that's the time they'd come in from the bar and put on music really loud. Used to go out of the house around 4am from being kicked and locked out, returning around 5 am when they finally fell asleep. I'd knock, they'd answer and ask what I was doing out so early. I could go on, there's so much that I had to adapt to with 2 alcoholic parents. I left home by age 9. The street was more predictable then living at home.

[@TheMondika]

I have been told “ You’re giving up on me, I want to get better. Why would you do that? I love you, I would never do that to you If you were in my shoes.” Ouch. That’s all I can say about that.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's just their way of trying to make their bad behavior your fault.

[@rhondavincent9248]

Watch Amber's video on emotional manipulation. It helps you see the addict's response in a clear way.

[@williamrichard0]

How do you 'back up' easier said than done.

[@rainbowgirl55]

What about if they use social media to berate me and make new accounts or get new phone numbers after being blocked? I will keep blocking but they are relentless. 😒

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

How do you cope with the loss of a sibling to alcohol.

[@xxsinister46]

Do you have any advice for when both spouses in a marriage are addicts, and one gets clean?my old sponsor got clean 5 years after his wife, they lived together and made it work . It's hard to find info on BOTH parties being addicts or alcoholics.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a really great question Xx. I've heard of people getting sober while their partner still uses, but VERY rarely. That usually doesn't work. Not only does is it a big trigger when your partner is still using, but also it's hard to connect anymore because the two people are functioning on 2 very different wave lengths (if that makes any sense).

[@sandrapaterson6322]

Yes please!!!

[@lisleemerson4717]

When I am being abused blamed and everything I say gets turned around when when I'm trying to say something supportive while still setting boundaries. Me being in the equation was not productive so I backed out and blocked my daughter.

[@awesomo_matt]

The mother of our two young boys. She’s 4 and 5 now. Ic and tell the horror my boys and myself have been through because of somas/xanex/valiums. I tried bro do the family thing but she’s not capable and children aren’t safe with her. It’s all falling apart now. Dcfs is getting involved and it’s hurting everyone especially the kids. It’s taken me awhile to admit but I’m a victim. For years I’ve tried to help her, but there’s no helping someone like that. I’m walking and have to battle for this kids on court. I’m so fucking sick over this.

[@djames5137]

Hi Amber, where is the “Home Contract” video?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi D James, Thanks for asking. Here's the link: kzbin.info/www/bejne/ipC5iHiXaatlqpo

[@elainesymons7632]

Hi..I am a step mum and used to have a really relationship with my step daughter.I don't have a good mental health at the best of times and her dad she has a very close relationship too.I feel he's is some what denial and feel it is breaking out relationship down.I need to not be near her as she lies and lies and tells her dad what he wants to hear so frustrating.I just need some guidance at this hard time.Im feeling so sad 😞 x

[@macspwnufail]

My daughter is going through exactly this. She got abusive with my wife and I and we ended up kicking her out. Tried to get her to go to rehab but she ends up leaving. Said her drug of choice is opioids

[@anderson49100]

8:25 yep I am in no contact. I love her but can’t be around her anymore.

[@jennyunira4927]

1. Intimidating. Calling police and f*ck me in the court. Emotionally! 2.Lost myself and I lost my old focused self for awhile. I already over self doubt now. Thank God! 3. Always provoking me and then tell me that I'm aggressive and crazy. 4. So much financial distress

[@carrielang2472]

I’m so sorry. I pray you are receiving support for yourself. We teach people how to treat us.

[@jazzminejackson9181]

I took my bf or situationship to rehab this month. He has talked to me about marriage and buying land togther. I found out he promised the same thing to another woman...lol So, the lies are really ridic. He was looking like a skeleton before I took him to rehab. I just wanted him to get some help, because he really needed it. Once he has completed the program, that will be it for me. I probably need to speak to someone about this relationship, but I guess watching videos is good enough.

[@GagaDebbie]

My daughter is in this situation with her son. He can’t keep employment and doesn’t really want to either…he sleeps until noon, is in his 20s..but here’s the kicker! He and his girlfriend have a baby…they live with she and her husband. My daughter is about to collapse! She works full time and watches the baby. She doesn’t know what TO do. She’s afraid to leave him alone with his daddy to watch for fear he’ll either fall asleep or lose his temper on the baby. Suggestions?

[@cindywilliams6505]

My sister addict constantly screaming about something now she is homeless and blames me I can't help her anymore I'm done with it.

[@dalehawkins-lw6rc]

(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). Successful Addiction Programs Insist on Involving the ENTIRE FAMILEYE SYSTEM and on Creating Changes in the ways that each Member Interacts with each other within the System other wise the FAMILEYE system itself acts az an Oppositional Force to the Addicts Soberity so often the Dysfunctional taking place in the FAMILEYE system is the very reason tha one of its members has turned to Addiction in the first place

[@sunflowerzelda45]

THANKS NEEDED TO HEAR IT WAS OK, TO CHANGE PH# GOT THE GUILT FOR DOING THAT. UGH

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's 100% okay to take care of yourself!

[@jayp7452]

If kids are involved what should we do.? I have 3 kids with my addicted partner ,I currently left him and I’m scared for him to be around the kids but he says him being without the kids makes him worst he makes me feel so guilty about “taking”the kids away from him,but all I want him is to be clean and sober,he’s still in denial even tho I lve found many traces of drugs and I’ve seen messages he’s really angry and brakes things loses his mind for no reason and hallucinates, so I knew I had to leave,but am I doing the right thing by taking the kids or should I still allow him to see them alone ?

[@raqui7994]

Yes. I ask the same thing.... Does not seeing his kids make him worse?

[@Myadigi]

I had to block my dad because all i get is a yelling negative response. Its getting to the point were i want to cut ties. All he does is lie

[@shed4698]

How can i contact you privately

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You can email me at [e-mail]

[@Jay-bm7rw]

I'm frustated with my brother because he's doing hard core drugs and it's annoying

[@jenniferking3316]

Do you think it's possible that parents develop post-traumatic stress disorder from their child addiction? I

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Jennifer King yes, ma’am. I sure do. It’s called complex trauma. It happens because of prolonged intense fear and worry. I think it should have its own diagnosis. I thinks it’s somewhere between PTSD and OCD (because so many parents do a lot of compulsive checking)

[@brendareed5050]

Put The Shovel Down I agree with you Amber. I don’t have the compulsive checking part, mostly because my loved one doesn’t live at home. But I have worried to the point of feeling anxious and depressed. I know it’s bad and I know I need to stop, but seriously it almost feels like I have no control over how I feel. Some weeks are better than others though.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It really is trauma. It's keeping you in a heightened anxiety state, and wreaks havoc on you body and emotions. I just filed a video about this topic, that should come out soon.

[@eileenmacdougall8945]

Jennifer, YES, YES, YES !

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Eileen MacDougall love the excitement 😂 ❤️

[@janjan6661]

Yesterday

[@ryanshelby6745]

So it’s not ok to drop a violent, challenging, autistic child… but it’s totally fine to drop an alcoholic? People say, ‘well this person is destroying my life!’ Families also feel that way about their 18 year old, 300lb, physically aggressive autistic child, but most can’t give up. But the alcoholic voluntarily drinks alcohol so it’s all on them. It’s a brain disorder. Most people have at least one in the family unfortunately.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Yes, that's correct. People with Substance Use Disorders may not have choosen to have the problem, but they can do something about it.

[@steph49391]

What’s sad is when a baby is involved, and they (the druggie) hides their address from you so you can’t come take them. Or call police/ CPS

[@thechief5670]

My parents were too naive and loving to really light a fire in me to make serious change, they tried positive reinforcement and checking in and being sorry for me but my sister got involved and tore into me and told me I’d die if I continued and that sparked some change.

[@LisaLisa0624]

Easy to say...Mines hit homelessness now- here I am , safe & warm , with water & food, cozy bed - right before Christmas- not knowing if my child is even alive - she weighs less than 100 lbs - have people who want to hurt her bc of stealing - Yeah- Merry Fucking Christmas- Love you - Even tho I'm leaving you homeless in winter and right bf Christmas - 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

[@debbiestewart6358]

It is now no interrations with adult daughter for three months now

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's good news Debbie!

[@WFE-qv1cl]

My husband relapsed after 3 months. I have a Rollercoaster of emotions.... I don't know how to react.. aaaaaaaahhhhhh....

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Try this video on relapse. It might help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oqfUl2N5ibKCm5Y

[@mamachichidesigns6444]

Hard to see someone on dialysis dealing with an a addiction

[@mamachichidesigns6444]

I need help coping and

[@marycain5668]

Who else is watching in 2024?

[@kelli2842]

It's annoying to watch you roll your eyes so much. You Have to work on that. Speak clearly too your mumbling is hard to understand. Just FYI

[@lynnet8274]

wow - I actually lover her eye expressions - for me it adds to her "approachable" characteristic.

[@DMWB57]

FYI-Kelli, that is so rude! If you don't like something move on, but your comment is just plain bad behavior or troll behavior. js

[@kelli2842]

@@DMWB57 its not rude to give constructive criticism. You never learn otherwise. I wont watch it.

[@joncooksey1]

You are the one with the issues. Amber is a brilliant counselor. Sounds like you have your own issues to deal with. Please get help soon somewhere.

[@MariaReyes-jp4lb]

@@kelli2842 rude!

[@AYe-ly2yo]

Thank you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you for watching😃

[@AYe-ly2yo]

@@PutTheShovelDown I think in a spousal situation, it is also important to realize your normal spousal needs, such as intimacy, trust and safety, will not be met for a very long time, on top of emotional abuse that comes with it. It is important factor to consider if the relationship is bearable enough, or important enough for you to stay.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You make a very good point!