Dealing with Grief After Losing (or Leaving) an Addicted Loved One

Addiction destroys lives, families, and even communities, leaving us feeling sad, confused, angry, and sometimes even guilty. It's very difficult to find any type of closure when you lose someone to addiction, but sorting through your emotions about it will help.
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[@trollsnotwelcome7805]

You grieve the person they could be without addition. You greive the family you could have been, you greive for your own life and the energy and time given. You greive the loss of life well before they die. The isolation is soul destroying. We greive our dreams that we once had and often just live in survival

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Spot on!

[@KarinaCooksCraftsandExplores]

So well said 😔

[@varnyasubritzky1614]

Currently grieving all of these things

[@user-zi6tg9zj3x]

This is exactly how I feel 😢

[@monaperry2635]

100%

[@powderriver3554]

Addiction - It is a slow death. Its like you grieve over and over and over again

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I truly is!

[@pixfan2008]

Amen! It definitely is.

[@debrag.3900]

absolutely. a sad truth

[@TYGZus777]

Addiction Grief Counseling could be a whole field within itself.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It sure could!

[@dbenadon]

Amber, we have watched your videos for the last 4 years as our 21-25 year old son battled alcohol addiction. Unfortunately, he lost his battle a month ago. Since then, my wife and I have picked over every conversation, every stint in rehab, every angry, happy, funny, sad, accusatory conversation and wondered what we missed. What stone we didn't turn over. This is a very dark time for us but this video helps provide a glimmer of light. Thank you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm very sorry you're going through this. It's absolutely heart breaking. Sending my love and prayers.

[@ChristinasJourney1]

I lost my daughter in April she found recovery while she was pregnant but her baby died 3 months after she was born due to the formula recall. So actually I have lost 2 in the past year. I know I did all I can do and I loved both of them so much. She died in the middle of rehab. She left one in Kentucky and ended up in Memphis. I was told she went there to give up. It's still so hard for me and her brothers. My heart is broke I'll be praying for your family as I'd love if you could remember me. Sending love and light to your family. May we both find healing.

[@dbenadon]

@@ChristinasJourney1 I am so sorry you have experienced so much lose. Our experience, so far, is to allow the good days and bad days come as they will. We are hoping the grace of time helps. Much love to you.

[@a..r.9341]

Iao sorry for you loss👼 ❤️‍🩹🕯. Sending prayers and love 🙏💖✨️.

[@a..r.9341]

​@@ChristinasJourney1 Sending you a lot love, strengh and hope .💖❤️‍🩹🕯 and many prayers 🙏🙏🙏.

[@jodypixley6683]

Oh the 100,000 times made me cry , I'm still exhausted , but remembering the numb feeling even tho he is sober for 1 1/2 years now I can't shake that numb feeling completely , And yes addiction and the chemicals in their brain makes them evil and scary ! There is no one that falls into deep addiction that does not develope a mental illness on some level ! Thank you Amber for this video , I feel it needs to be addressed for the sanity of the loved ones dealing or dealt with an addict they love .kinda like you also have scars ,you can't undo what you have went thru with your addict , you have to heal as much as the addict ! I call myself the great pretender ! The pretending I was ok is hard on your mental health ! I'm giveing hugs to all who are an addict or the loved one ❤️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

What you said about addiction creating mental illness is spot on!

[@ladykathyrnroyster8393]

I see some mental illness in my husband at the least mood disorder and paranoia. Frightening 😳🥹

[@stephaniesmith5974]

The “great pretender” yep! I have a business that is up close and personal-salon-very high maintenance service of giving, creating-so u pretend and put ur happy upbeat mask on every day. It’s like a nightmare.

[@robins3672]

Pretender - perfect description. Pretending it doesn’t bother you, pretending it’s ok. It’s exhausting.

[@sassyearthangel4207]

I filed for divorce yesterday haven't stopped crying since . the emotional and verbally abuse was putting me in a very scary place.

[@Andi-ir2uc]

I have tried to put into words what it feels like to mentally lose my 30 year old son, minute by minute, day by day, year by year, to alcohol . It sure is raw grief, and raw pain. I am slowly watching the light fade away from my son's beautiful, kind soul . We had a wonderful life together, he was always my best friend. He always lacked self confidence, no matter how hard I tried to help him find his self worth. He has so many wonderful friends who miss him as well This year, my mom passed away, my Granddaughter moved away, and my son no longer wants to see me But everyday, I beg God for help to bring my buddy back I go to work, get through the day, and cry all the way home I don't share my personal life with anyone. I listen to Podcasts, they help. It's 3:o'clock in the morning, and once again, I am crying. Mother's Day is Sunday and I know I won't get a call from my son. Thank you for your video. It hit home. God bless you all. I am praying for you, please pray for me. 🙏

[@bernieryan1343]

It's horrible. It's total heartbreak every day

[@Mz.Scarlett]

I felt relief when my father died…..I remember standing beside him in his casket and saying “it’s finally over”

[@ChristinasJourney1]

I lost my daughter to addiction in April . I did all I could but I miss her so much. But I know she isn't struggling anymore.

[@lisa9111]

I feel like I have lost my addicted daughter over and over again. The grief is real! I try not to talk about it too much because friends don’t know what to say and I know it’s awkward for them. Not being able to share makes me feel isolated and just multiplies the grief. It’s really devastating to everyone involved. Thank you for expressing what so many of us are living.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I can relate to this..so much. ❤️❤️❤️

[@Hello-mh4pj]

Is there a parents support group locally for you? If not, why not start one, even on social media 🤷🏻‍♀️ From England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 I hope things work out ❤️

[@laurieriek6444]

I can relate to your grief. Have a daughter alcoholic. I always have hope, always afraid I didn’t do it say the right things to help her.

[@gailmartindale]

I grieve the loss of my son over and over again too. Every time he relapsed I lose another part of him, it’s so sad, my heart breaks over and over. And I don’t have anyone in my real life (I do have on-line meeting people) that could really relate to this. I feel like I lost my actual son a couple of years ago, and every time he gets sober, even briefly, I get so hopeful but he relapsed over and over and I just keep losing him bit by bit.

[@PatCrawford-jm9rm]

@@gailmartindale try to look at it as if he's learning a difficult lesson each time he goes through that relapse experience and back into treatment... This is a very common process for most of us, not many of us get it on the first attempt! Don't give up

[@sherrilongnecker8991]

Your right I feel like I grieve my husband everyday. It sucks. I grieve everytime I see him wasted because I know he is slowly killing himself.

[@dm7831]

I hear you Sherri 💚

[@Lauriepi]

My son died from his mental illness/substance abuse 6 weeks ago. I have been watching these videos over the past few months and have tried everything I could think of to support positive change for the past 15 years. Thank you Amber for this video. I had actually stopped watching after he passed. I mean he is gone. But I saw this video come up and I am just very thankful for your sharing and your wise words. The pain has been going on for years but I always hoped for change so his passing was devastating and now on to the next steps in this journey.

[@sheri59lyn]

You are so gifted at what you’re doing. Definitely your life experience pushed you towards your gift. I appreciate how you articulate your advice. Thank you for sharing your testimony! I am 64 yrs old. Still learning ways to deal with how I was shaped and dealt with life experiences.

[@Gemmarose9012]

I’m so sorry for the pain we all have experienced. Sometimes rock bottom is the grave, as was the case for my cousin. She died last month and the only thing that saved me was grieving for her long before she died and detaching appropriately. I offered help repeatedly and she refused. The only reason I can sleep at night is because I offered all I could before I detached. Unfortunately I’m now doing the same thing with my daughter because the writing is on the wall. I’ve offered and done all I can and now it’s up to her and God. I can’t die trying to make her well.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

I lost my sister last month I’m heartbroken her rock bottom killed her im missing her so bad.

[@JoanneMomsen]

"I can't die trying to make her well" is so true

[@paulalane8638]

I think for me, you did a phenomenal job with this extremely difficult topic Amber. I grew up in addiction, married addiction and fought it myself. The grief for me was LOSS OF RELATIONSHIP in all of my 66 years. This grief is still a deep sadness that seems to hang around in my heart. So many do not get it. Thank you so much for addressing this.❤️🤗

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much for your kind words, Paula! 💟💟💟

[@robynwheatcraft7947]

Thank you so much for covering this topic. Divorce from a 15 year marriage was final a year ago in November (2022). So hard when all my friends and relatives think I should have done this years ago or never married him to begin with. So hard to find people who can understand the mixed emotions; particularly now that he's sober and loving it and never wanting to go back to drinking but aware that the temptations will crop up and is actively doing everything I hoped and prayed he would do while we were still married. Anyway, thank you for validating my feelings of going back and forth between accepting the demise of my marriage and feelings like I wish I could be married to the man he is today. I remember other times though when we were married and he was sober, either through being in trouble (probation/jail) or by his own determination to get and stay sober; it never lasted. Sad to have to constantly have to remember the "bad" in order to accept where you are today. 😔

[@PutTheShovelDown]

People on the outside always want to say what they'd do, but you don't know what you'd do until you're in the situation.

[@robynwheatcraft7947]

@@PutTheShovelDown yeah, I totally agree but it can definitely add another layer of hurt when you have no one you can talk to about this stuff because of it

[@SunshineBlueSkies]

I am in the same situation I’ve been married for 17 yrs we have 5 kids. The last thing I want to do is leave him but I can’t take all the problems, the lies, the broken promises. I feel like I’m carrying the weight of our whole families life while running our family construction business. It’s too much. But my biggest fear is what you said… He’s sober now and I can’t be with that person that I wanted this whole time. I don’t know what to do but I feel like he’s giving up on our marriage because of his drinking so I don’t really have a choice but to walk away. It’s really hard and I also don’t have people that really understands this situation.

[@nanditeplus]

Now that I'm divorcing my husband I almost wish he wouldn't get sober so I can be proven right about everything and because it will make it look like I was the problem the whole time and his life is so much better without me... But maybe that's true because I was enabling him.

[@lc5666]

I've been there, I left my ex eight years ago and I'll still have a minute here or there where I have to go through grief over something that I miss about what he and I had prior to his addiction. The weird feeling that is hard for other people to sometimes understand is feeling nostalgic and grieving over something that you would never want back. I would not go back for one billion dollars, but I never got to say goodbye to the sweet, funny, thoughtful, talented, ambitious dude I married and had kids with. He just disappeared one day and I never saw him again.

[@anderson49100]

I’ve lost my daughter over and over and over again. We are estranged now.

[@Michelek65]

Thank you for this video. I go through all these emotions daily sometimes. It always comes out of nowhere. It's been a year since he's been gone. Being in the hospital as he was pronounced brain dead was traumatizing. I don't wish it on anyone. I've never had an addiction myself, but it killed me to watch what it did to him. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost a loved one to addiction. The guilt of wondering what else I could have done... even though I know it wasn't up to me. Seems to never subside. I miss him.

[@mamachichidesigns6444]

Oh my goodness this is so close to home I was very exhausted to the point of saying bye😢I had to detached first

[@Hello-mh4pj]

I left my alcoholic ex just before Christmas. He was being verbally abusive drunk. He called last week slightly more sober but still on one. I’m not going back. I feel like a weight’s been lifted and sad at the same time. I couldn’t like in a make believe world any more. He had potential but wasn’t interested in change

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's a painful decision to make, but it does get better

[@jessicabarber5835]

I just left mine 5 days before Christmas. Hugs

[@sumannand7679]

I left mine on Jan 26, and he passed away on March 6.. :(

[@jessicabarber5835]

@@sumannand7679 sorry to hear that. You did your best. Nothing is your fault. It's double the grief. You were grieving over a relationship and just got triggered when he died over again. It was his choice to live that way. Take extra time getting back to being you.let yourself Grieve and spend time with loved ones. Hugs you got this.

[@catcat5280]

Without a doubt...the best episode yet...Dear God...everything she just said is everything that we all go thru trying to survive what happens with this disease from start to finish...I'm going thru this grief times 2 right now every day.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much, Catcat!

[@caroldanzer3621]

We were estranged from our 35 year old son for 2 years only to be informed that he was in the icu with multiple organ failure. We were told it was from chronic alcohol abuse - we knew he and his wife drank but not the extent of it or why they had shut everyone out. I think there were other substances too? My 85 yr old narcissistic mother hasn’t mentioned his name since. It’s embarrassing to her and my grief is getting worse - it’s only been 9 months - people think it’s all fine now - almost like he chose that so it’s unfortunate but…as a mother I look back on his childhood and blame myself for yelling at him. I was able to see him for one hour before he passed - cannot get the sight of that out of my mind. I found you 2 months ago - learning a lot - thank you for sharing your own story too - I’m so sorry 😢

[@pamflynn7292]

Thank you for this. I lost my husband six months ago while he was in active addiction. He just did not wake up one morning. My feelings are so very confused and mixed.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome, Pam. So sorry for your loss. 💔

[@vallivergano239]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am in a similar situation. My fiancé passed away 9 months ago at age 30. I'm so devastated that all I can do is cry day in and day out

[@emilyc9380]

I’m tired of the judgment from his enablers!

[@dandixon3795]

I had a person I loved dearly, did tons of stuff for. Hadn't seen her for years, then after a few months I saw strange behavior and all her friends and family were convicts (drugs). I cannot believe how much listening to your you tube stuff helps. I've talked to rehab people, law enforcement, psychiatrists, ex users, etc. Everyone I talked to told me the odds of me helping her were almost zero. So, I will always love her, but the respect and trust for her is gone.. It is a horrible disease that is growing by the minute in our country. Been a year since I've seen her, so time is helping, plus I gave myself the room to always love her, just not be around her or communicate with her.

[@sharonscott1776]

I’m so glad to see this video, I did ten years with my ex addicted to meth. It was so draining exhausting I had nothing else to give. So I asked him to leave, as I grieve the person he was off meth and that guy isn’t there now. He’s abusive, says he’s the king, he’s 55 but acts like a 10 year old. He started sniffing glue at age 10 then onto cannabis Speed Meth so his brain never developed and he couldn’t communicate, having a conversation with him was impossible, everything was my fault. The hardest thing is he would go around telling people I was controlling crazy, he said I told his whole family he’s a drug addict, when I didn’t. I met him age 45 so they all knew before I came along, he wouldn’t listen to me when I said if u want to stay off drugs u don’t hang around addicts, he started watching breaking bad, videos on meth, he’s really bad with porn n sex on Meth, but it’s all about him sex, things he wouldn’t do with me with he was clean for 18 months, the meth use got to the point he was no longer affectionate just abusive towards me, I got blamed for everything, I grieve the Steve I knew who would go for walks with me on the beach, weekends away, going out to dinner, he got his dad’s inheritance in December n blew $30k in 3 weeks so he’s never been this bad, he sends messages to his mum why hasn’t she died yet, calls her ugly, I do finally feel a relief not being with him, I asked him to leave November 2022 and I’ve watched ur videos most of the year. It’s only the past two months I realise I’m better off without him, I’m 47 and he’s aged me, I’m so tired from ten years of lies, his stealing, in and out of jail. I spent over $40k on him and the broken promises this year of he won’t forget my birthday, that was in May I’m still waiting for a present and I asked the person and he never ordered it. He’s with a woman who uses meth too and knowing he’s having sex with her hurts but I know he doesn’t love her and it’s all about satisfying him sexually, he’s not capable of loving anyone. The things he would say when he cheated on me, well if u didn’t kick me out I wouldn’t have, I would say but Steve if u didn’t turn back to drugs and lie I wouldn’t have kicked u out. Never takes responsibility for what he did. See he’s still that 10 year old boy, he keeps saying he was molested by a teacher but his mum n family say it never happened so they have no idea why he started sniffing glue then onto drugs. They say he had everything as a child no childhood trauma. So I don’t know. It’s hard for me to separate my Steve off drugs to who he is now. Even tho he abused me and put me down over the phone two weeks ago, part of me still loves him. Even after the hell I’ve been through. When he’s on meth he must honestly think he’s king, his mum says king of Drano king of poison which we call meth.

[@RexRaven22]

I recognize a lot of these scenarios 😔

[@RexRaven22]

As for the sex abuse if he says he was molested he was.

[@anderson49100]

Thank you Amber great video. I really needed to hear your story. I am going through this right now. I just lost my son. He was robbed and murdered by his caregiver and police say they have no evidence and can’t do anything. She was charged with embezzling but out on bail. So much betrayal!

[@kurtzyXD69]

I wish I found your channel sooner. I lost my brother a few weeks ago to fentanyl addiction and it has been really really tough. We had so much hope. He was in recovery for 6 months beforehand Thank you for doing what you do.

[@allisona9490]

I love you even more after this one. Thanks for sharing. I think you did this with a lot of respect and grace.❤️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you Alice. I really appreciate that. 💖💖💖💖

[@KarinaCooksCraftsandExplores]

Thank you for this video. I lost my ex husband (my daughters father) to alcoholism. It haunts me because it was so unnecessary and the grief process is made especially hard because my family sees it as a good thing (since he’d been declining for the past few years and made my life and subsequently our daughters life hell) and therefore my family acts disappointed whenever I experience grief over losing him. Everything you said in this video was spot on and so so helpful. The only thing you talked about that I wished I could have experienced is the feeling of relief. I always planned for the phone call but when I actually got the call that he was found dead, I lost it. I absolutely lost it. And I replay conversations over and over in my head. He died on March 9 of this year and I am heart broken. It’s not just because I have to help my daughter navigate this grief. Its also because I just miss him so much and it breaks my heart knowing how much pain he was in and tried to cover up in his final months and did his very best to be a good dad. I hoped I would have some relief because I know what you are talking about… My dad died of cancer years ago he got so very sick that I did feel relieved when he finally passed and I didn’t have to watch him suffer. But I don’t feel this relief with my ex husband and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it does still feel so unnecessary even though I do know it was probably terminal for him. And also because our last conversation I yelled at him to get it together because looked so unwell and I felt I was always caring for his mental health and not having him care about mine and I got resentful. It’s a lot of mixed emotions and I feel so alone in this feeling. I am working with a therapist but you’re right, I think people like me need to work with a substance abuse counselor to work through these feelings.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so glad you're finding healing, Karina!

[@harpgal9950]

I have to come back to this video every so often. It's probably the most helpful I've seen. I divorced an alcoholic husband who then died from his addiction a year later. Within five years, my son descended into his alcoholism. Several decades and many, many rehab/detoxes later, he's continues to spiral down. I believe he may be close or in end stage at this point and there is nothing I can do. I have had to withdraw early this year due to lies, threats and constant attempts to manipulate. I feel like I have been in a state of grief for four decades now, with only brief periods of respite. The "coulda, shoulda, woulda" cycle plays in my head sometimes, but I also know I did a lot of good things, too. Sadly, I do see death as his release - so does he. But I also believe that if there is life, there is hope that one day, he will beat this. Thank you, Amber.

[@razenkane1843]

I've been dealing w both a hubby I left last Aug and my daughter both of them are/were using meth. It's been a heart wrenching journey. Most days I'm ok and others it's like wow what the heck. I like to reach out to my daughter to make sure she is alive, but always regret the words from her mouth. I've been using space, self care, time, support groups, listening to vids w info like this, moving on regardless of them.

[@irock4u222]

i lost my 33 yo son a week ago to fent od and he wound up tossed in a dumpster and processed like trash.. i am extremely crushed like my soul has been ripped out..there is no solace or comfort i cry all day everyday.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sending you love and prayers

[@theveryplumdarcey]

Oh gosh, sorry to read this. How terrible for you 😢

[@IzdevnetworksTV]

Sorry for your loss. I lost my twin brother to fentanyl OD. Hang in there. 🙏🫂

[@monaperry2635]

Thankyou for being so transparent and sharing your mom's story. It helped me a lot and I admire your strength. The letting go process is excruciatingly painful and sometimes feels worse than death. ❤😢🙏

[@christineewing3492]

Dear Amber. Thanks for sharing some of your own family history and loss because of addiction. Credit to you, you have broken that cycle, for you, your loved ones and kids. Your understanding and empathy for others is so evident in this video. Although you said you didn't pay a lot of attention to what was happening in your home when you were a child, and your mum was often absent, it sounds pretty chaotic. Maybe you've had to deal with your own childhood trauma. Thank you for all that you do. 💓

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you for your kind words, Christine. It means a lot to me. 💟

[@joanengel9460]

thank you so much for this wonderful video in which you share yours and describe the pain we all feel. You said so many helpful, meaningful words. Your courage and love extends out to many people, you are a blessing. I am suffering from the deep pain that hangs around all the time, the pain that intensifies when you think it couldn’t be worse, that returns and returns yet again when you lose the loved one again to their addiction. You get plunged into this grief each additional time your loved one gets so intoxicated, and you get exhausted, drained and cannot imagine how you will go on with life in this pain. Amber, When I heard your words “addiction is a terminal illness” it was an “ah-ha” realization for me as to why I feel this never ending pain. It is because the knowingness about this illness is sometimes out of my immediate awareness, yet the unconscious knowingness can still grip my emotions…that every time he gets intoxicated, or even takes one drink in front of me, or even talks about a drink, is going to be yet another loss which I know, both consciously and unconsciously, is taking him in the wrong direction away from me and away from our loving relationship, towards disease, towards losses of all kinds (companionship, finances, health, joy, sharing our lives, and vision for our lives) and now I see, towards the end of his life. it fills me with pain, fear, grief, frustration, anger, loneliness, exhaustion and lost hope, yet again and again and again. thank you for describing all this so well, Amber. You said we have already lost our loved one a long time ago. You help the suffering of so many people who hear you, including myself. Just realizing this truth and how much his illness has taken from me, has helped ground me and helped me to make a boundary and practice harm reduction to myself. thank you.

[@naamanpratt]

Hi Amber, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom and how you found out. 💔 I've been subscribed to your channel for only a few days now, and I'm here out of concern for a professional/functional female friend I've come to know for the past few years whose dependency on "only a few" drinks every evening for years has my intuition telling me that this is the root cause of her unusual behavior in between the positive "glimpses" I've experienced while talking and interacting with her. I wasn't exactly sure where our friendship was going, but I started binge-watching your videos apparently just in time, which have definitely helped me to take a deep breath and tap the breaks while learning so much in such a short time, and how to be patient and understanding in my head, and has already helped prepare me for our next conversation, and so much more. So thank you, and hope all's well. 💞

[@karenbearden6198]

Hi Amber, you are such an enormous help and comforter to so many. Thank you with all my heart. Your story is part of what makes you such a shinning star in this community! When you said " I don't know of anyone who gave up at the first sign of distress, it goes on for years and years..." Oh that reached deep into my soul thank you for saying that! Letting go of the guilt and regret has been so ridiculously difficult for me, and I'm no Spring chicken. I'm going to write your words down in a book and refer to it often.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💗💗💗💗

[@kadeegram]

There is a nar-anon group meeting called "Hope after loss" for grieving family and friends of addicts.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you for sharing that resource!

[@d.m.6397]

My sister and I had a traumatic upbringing, and we're orphaned young. And then it got worse...I turned to anger-fueled ambition, and she turned to alcohol. She's in end stage, and I'm going to lose the last member of my family and the only person I have ever loved. I worry and cry and scream and rage for her. And also myself. Because when I lose her, which feels inevitable at this point, I mean to say while recovery is always possible, it's silly to believe it will happen at this point, I don't know how I will continue. Unmarried, no children. Once she's gone, nothing left to fight for, or look forward to, no more hope, no more anything. Her addiction is going to take both of us out.

[@vallivergano239]

Stay strong! How is your sister now? 😢

[@lovedandabundant6384]

Thank you for sharing YOUR story with us. I could really relate to the complex grief with relief. My dad died when I was 14, I don’t remember him a day sober. I’m now 52…. I lost my husband 4yrs ago- not to addiction but to mental illness, anger and rage. Completely complicated grief. I resonated so much with what you said. It’s SO hard for others to understand that

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💗💗💗💗💗💗

[@PatCrawford-jm9rm]

Prayers for your mom, she mostly likely was doing the best she could at the time with the problems she had. How's she doing now? Us Addicts are not responsible for having this disease, but we ARE responsible for our recovery,.so we don't harm people (especially ourselves!). Meth is a tough one, I detoxed off that over the summer and that demon... it's still in my head dammit 😱

[@bonniehoover6959]

Thank you so much , I too have lost many family members and for years with my husband, watching him get so close to death. My heart breaks over and over. I just wait every day for the next Loss. God Bless you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome, Bonnie!

[@cuddlemuff6632]

Listening to you share your experience of your mom's passing was so understandable. My mom died of a cancer but when she first was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 17, I was just too full on dealing with my own challenges. My mom wasn't an addict, but stress killed her. Hearing how you had to 'step over bodies' to go to work was so sad. To me you are an Angel!! Sometimes we have to step away from our loved ones and let them deal with their own issues.

[@christinedebarros6597]

Thankyou for sharing Amber. I know that wasn’t easy. I’ll say it again, you have such a great ability to explain and know that you are amazing.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💖💖💖💖

[@carolynwrightBTO]

It feels like therapy enables people. People go to therapy and pin it all on their spouse so they don't have to take accountability for their behaviors. They leave out a lot of important information that they do wrong so it is one sided. Therapists want to make that money so they Listen, give advice on what they hear which enables that person and their behaviors, and makes them the victim. If they received the right information and gave honest advice to help them change they would leave bc they are usually addicted to something. They make that money while the spouse and or family continues to suffer if not worse. Mine got more aggressive with me after he started therapy and he already had a hard time controlling his rage. We are in the middle of separating now but i wish i never asked him to go to therapy, even though he needs a good therapist. Not all therapist obviously, i hope. I hope his therapist and him get together so she can find out the truth for herself and change the way she gives advice.

[@thegoddesswithin8859]

Thank you for sharing your own vulnerability here Amber. It's clear this topic isn't easy for you either. I see you. I still grieve my last relationship, almost 5 years down the track. When functional, he was the man of my dreams. When chronic, not at all healthy for either myself, or my child to be around. I had to put us first. But not at all easy. Lots of grief. For a long, long time.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much for your kind words of support 💟

[@suegoncalves4910]

I really appreciate this and feel like someone finally spoke my truth. I lost my mom last year from death but deciding to leave my boyfriend because he is an addict is an indescribable grief and loss. Thank you for speaking about this. Helps a lot.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're most welcome, Sue. I'm glad this was helpful. 😊

[@shelbyklassen8277]

I’m an addiction counsellor and it was nice to hear you also have a personal experience with the matter. I do too. I know most of us do, but it’s still nice to know I’m not the only one doing that. ❤️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Shelby. Thanks for the nice feedback, and even more thanks for being a fellow solider fighting against addiction! 🪖🪖🪖💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

[@lazyezmerelda]

You are speaking my truth. My husband is not dead, but, he repeated(when he lived with us, before I knew he was drinking) how he wanted to die over and over, angrily for all of us to hear(he did this for years, constantly talking about his death and how he wanted to die). He's been tormented for years , drinking for years. My oldest son has even told me how, he remembers mourning the loss of his dad when my son was 13, years and years in the past(my husband began changing at that point, where he was more vacant to us). But, for me, I started seeing my husband leave even more in 2020, it was a moment, where I heard it in his response to me when we were talking, I literally felt, heard, and knew he left, emotionally that day. I cried and cried, it was such a huge moment, it led to nightmares for me, and huge worry that my husband was dying. My husband literally started withdrawing physically and emotionally from me and my family. We all tried to get him back, asking him to read to us, to join us doing something, and he did, but, he was gone. It was a year later that we found out he was over drinking. It's been such a crazy roller coaster ride. And, now, we're mourning him being out of the home, where he can't communicate with us at all, even if he wanted to, but, before the protection order, he didn't reach out, he's still drinking, he's blaming us all, especially me for everything. And, truly, I do not know what to do. It's so much pain.

[@SunshineBlueSkies]

I am in the same situation I’ve been married for 17 yrs we have 5 kids. The last thing I want to do is leave him but I can’t take all the problems, the lies, the broken promises. I feel like I’m carrying the weight of our whole families life while running our family construction business. It’s too much. But my biggest fear is if he gets sober after we split and I can’t be with that person that I wanted this whole time… I don’t know what to do but I feel like he’s giving up on our marriage because of his drinking so I don’t really have a choice but to walk away. My husband also puts the blame on me and makes me his enemy when the only thing I want is for him to be clean. And I feel bad for my life but even worse for my children to have this as their childhood. And I try not to let the kids see me cry because I don’t want them to think that both parents are out of control of their lives. It is a really hard situation to be in

[@lazyezmerelda]

@@SunshineBlueSkies I know how hard it is. Leaving or getting him out, is absolutely hard. If he gets sober and comes around, then, he can always return to you. That's how I see it. If my husband was really on the path to true healing, he'd be working his way to get back to us. Anything else he does, besides working on himself is proof he's not right. And, if he refuses to get help, real help, yeah, he needs to be away from you and your children. As the abuse you all are dealing with will affect you and your children in terrible ways. And, you know what, even when you are single parenting it, you'll feel the weight fall off of your shoulders, and life will be way better. YOU ARE CARRYING ALL OF THE WEIGHT, more weight then you'll be carrying without him, in many ways. AND, your kids see it all, they probably see it better then you do. I cried all the time, for two years, I couldn't help it. In my way of thinking, it only brought my children and I together, as we were in a terrible situation, together.

[@tinabarth388]

I so needed this video! I wish I would have found you sooner. I did the tough love 3 months ago. His family was on board with me but I now realize they blame me. They are still enabling him and from what I hear he's getting worse. Narcan weekly, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week. I'm trying so hard to work on myself and not let everything else bother me. Amber thank you so much for being here for us as it's hard to find people to talk to.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I know it’s especially painful when you feel like others are judging or blaming you. Stay strong, Tina!

[@juliadixon8465]

Christ. Dealing with the same, except he was alone. No Narcan. And I carry it, but found him 3 hours too late. I got lucky. Imo, he did not, but he had extreme tinnitus. It caused the relapse after 25 years that would take his life I can only hope he found the sleep he sought. He was a gifted musician, and the tinnitus took music from him too. So if that's why this happened, I forgive you. If it's that so called ketamine with fentanyl in it, I forgive you too, if only because I tried it myself and lived. Fuck fentanyl Fuck tinnitus. Fuck depression Fuck alcohol Fuck this

[@juliadixon8465]

Not you the commenter. You, my loved one

[@joncooksey1]

Thank you Amber. You have helped me close the chapter on my alcoholic sister. She is not physically dead (yet) but our relationship is. I have moved on.

[@kotierall9531]

Today I realized I lost my sister too. Yesterday she got kicked out the last place she had to live.. story for years. What I don’t understand is that why do I feel like I want to die?

[@inthrop]

This is so helpful, Iam 12 years sober, l lost my solmate of 33 years 1 year ago she was drinking when she left this world,the drinking hurt us badly, this really help putting thindgs in perspectve,thanks!

[@rainpebble8257]

Much appreciation for tackling this difficult topic and the nuances of feelings when dealing with an addict. The pain when loving a family member and watching your hopes and dreams slowly being destroyed by substance use. Also not knowing what's going to happen next, it's torture. Thanks for your insights, I hope you will address this again!💞

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks, rainpebble! I'm glad this was helpful.

[@kchart47]

I stumbled into you channel as I was looking for some tips on self-forgiveness. I went to WAR against the disease of alcoholism and my husband of 25 years (my alcoholic) got lost in the fog. I couldn’t see him anymore, just the sickness, the “500lbs Gorilla”. When my husband died there was a great relief (bc alcoholism was finally gone from my home). A few years later, I’m tormented by guilt and shame, constantly thinking of what I could have done differently. Thank you for your grace and for the wonderful content.

[@allikitos]

It's NOT your fault.

[@tinkershell1856]

Thank you so much for this video 💙 I’ve been divorced 6 years but separated 11 years. I actually feel widowed for 20 years. Talk about complicated, haha! Thank you for sharing your story. Your (and your viewers) compassion and understanding helps so much 💙

[@elizabethharrison9032]

I have watched this video multiple times when it seems like no else understands. Thank you for your content

[@PutTheShovelDown]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@suestamm3190]

This episode covered it all. Thank you for sharing your personal story and explaining the many faces of grief.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Sue!

[@marymcquillan6417]

Thanks for all your videos, Amber. They’ve helped me so much. And I’m sorry that you went through what you did xx My ex partner was verbally and emotionally abusive at times when drunk, but a lot of times we had a great night, so it was easier to forgive when the ‘sorry’s’ came the next day. On NYE turning ‘23, the abuse turned violent, when he punched, choked and bit me. The acute stress and emotional turmoil has been horrendous. It’s so hard dealing with the mixture of emotions from love to loathing to compassion to confusion. Grieving a relationship whilst healing physical and emotional wounds. My dad when alive was an abusive husband to my mum and I have 2 siblings in active alcohol addiction. It’s heart wrenching to watch. I now resent alcohol. Thank you for helping me understand some of those closest to me who are suffering from this awful disease x

[@tessa2726]

Wow. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable with us and sharing these intimate parts of your life with us. I can gaurenteee she’s proud as hell of you for the work your doing. You’re actually amazing. I just left my spouse 6 days ago. I couldn’t take it anymore. The alcohol won. I want to become an addiction counsellor and help people like you do because we’ve lived it and want to do better by others Remember… you’re amazing amber ♥️

[@fabt2984]

I only found your 'put the shovel down' a week ago because I was searching for answers about the very NEW relationship I am in. I met a wonderful (sober) man 6 months ago who I now realize has a severe alcohol use disorder. Do to legal reasons, he was only allowed to start drinking again 3 months ago. The change in him is unbelievable. It's so new and my family and friends say that I should walk away from him. Logically, it makes sense. My heart wants to throw him a life line because I have heard change talk coming from him. He wavers between precontemplation and contemplation. (See how much I have already learned from you Amber!) My family and friends just see the bad stuff and as you mentioned in this video there's so much good to this man too. He's the child and grandchild of alcoholics. He lost his oldest daughter two years ago to a cocaine fentanyl death which is still very traumatic. (Anger, guilt, sadness, despair, should have been him etc.) I am the primary caregiver of a child with a rare progressive degenerative terminal illness, so my plate is already overflowing. Personally, my dad was a functioning alcoholic. He passed away from what I believe is a related illness. Then my mom moved in with me. My oldest daughter suffers from a restrictive eating disorder which is an addiction. We entered into family-based recovery therapy. Her father didn't participate. After the third time she fell off the wagon and decided not to follow the recovery process as outlined by the doctors and therapists, I had to remove my support. It broke my heart. She was an adult at the time and I could not force her into residential therapy. Her father allowed her to move in with him and he did not care about her following the recovery and I was the villain. She's better than she was but according to the experts, she will continue to suffer with this addiction for the rest of her life. My youngest son has had an addiction to video games for years that is encouraged by his dad who thinks video game addiction is BS. It feels like I've been grieving one thing or another for the majority of my 51 years. It's so complicated and sometimes it hits me out of the blue. The anticipatory grief knowing that one day I will have to bury my child is constant. The grief of losing my other two children to preventable situations is hard to swallow. When it comes to my new boyfriend, I'm hesitant to even get on this recovery roller coaster ride. I am way too empathetic for my own good. I'm trying to figure out how to maintain a healthy distance but at the same time throw him a life line. It's so complicated! I'm Canadian and he's American. We live in border cities. Thank you for all your videos to help me process this situation ❣️

[@irmaedieescareno8536]

Hi Amber, Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to hear your perspective.

[@kathyblanda7212]

Thank you for this video Amber. You are helping a lot of people.

[@elizabostwick2187]

Thank you for sharing your story Amber!!! The loss & grief has built over 15 years since this all began...it makes me so mad!!! Why does daughter have to get abusive, which only makes me have to separate, which makes me more angry & sad? And then I am left with grief...& guilt. I am letting go again..and prayer helps! And you help!!! So thank you!

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

The coroner told my mum and I that my sister was the only one who could help her self.

[@kristenmarie9248]

💯😔💔❤

[@bonniehoover6959]

God Bless you , you are so smart with the evaluation. Of addiction I'm so grateful that you are here to hel You hit the nail on the head for me many times. Please keep up the great work.

[@monica5914]

Wow!!!!!!!!! 😢😢😢😢 this hit home sooooooo hard!!!!! I’m sooooo thankful for you! Your videos they help me soooo much ❤

[@laurieriek6444]

So agree and grateful for everything I talked about. So helpful

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Laurie!

[@guitarsalad]

Last May I started watching your videos to educate myself on my brothers addiction and the nightmare it was ever since I could remember. This May he passed from an OD. I have learned so much from your channel and how to process this reality.

[@MrDenanowotny]

Wow!! Your honesty and empathy inspire me!! Thank you for sharing your story. You are a gift to society and the information you share is so beneficial. I love that you talked about the mixed emotions and how normal this is. I also love that you mentioned all the should have, would have, could haves. I have a friend who says, "don't should all over your life!" It is so true. Hind sight is 20/20 and the only reason people have the should have, would have, could haves is because they loved that person. Knowing you are loved despite struggling with an addiction benefits a person that struggles with addiction, even if the addiction takes their life. I have patients who struggle with addiction and I have lost family members due to addiction as well. Everything you speak about on your KZbin channel rings true. Thank You!!

[@glamasaurus]

Thank you for this. I needed this right now.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome 💟

[@annie.belle.x4171]

Thank you for discussing all this and on such a personal level. Resonates so much.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks for listening, Annie 💓

[@robins3672]

Thank you for sharing this with us.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks for listening

[@fullgallupfarms]

Ugh. This tears my heart. Suffering and loss. Been thru all of this.

[@rosebird3021]

I know I said this before but this was one of very best videos - could hear your heart

[@KKBAZ]

One of your best videos yet. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable and sharing.

[@jenniferrivera5461]

I can feel your pain....God bless u and your work!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you! You too!

[@bernieryan1343]

Amber you turned out so great. You had the chaos of addiction and you went down a better road thank god. You are now helping so many people. You're right its grieving every day and being mixed up. I feel like i have no light in me anymore. I feel so wounded and even bitter which i feel bad about. Its the truth though. It is a terminal illness and people dont get the seriousness of it. No one looks after the addicts or the families. Its the saddest. I dont know where it will end but living in fear. So much pain Amber. You are honest and really understand. I hate to see my son suffering so much and you're right about him desiring relief and me too. I would pick any other illness. Thanks for offering us this self forgiveness idea cos I do wonder could I have done diff. Letting go is so hard but I am thinking of it as i want to be free from addiction but I love him so much I want him ok so much. Thanks Amber

[@kingslots3449]

Wow. I really liked this woman a lot even thought about marrying her. I went through her phone one night and seen she sold herself for drugs. It hurts really bad, so I decided to no contact.. changed my phone number and blocked her on social media. I don't know if that was the right move, but I can't accept that. Any advice? Was this the right move? She's came to my job to talk, but I wasn't ready. One time she came over and wasn't moving eye's rolled back in her head taking breaths every 30 seconds I called EMSA. They brought her back. Thanks for your channel it's helped me a lot.👍

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I know that was a difficult decision, but I’m glad to hear that you’re keeping healthy boundaries for yourself.

[@margoward9569]

Good topic Amber. Loss and Grief are universal. Grief and anticipatory grief with addiction is complex. The disruptions and disconnected relationships leaves most involved grieving alone. Grieving with support and ability to share is most helpful. Without that many will withdraw into self and have difficulty moving with and through grief. Would like to see you talk about how to share in grief for family and those struggling with addiction. Loss is trauma so these topics are closely related.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Margo!

[@samanthanorng9123]

Thank you for this. 🙏 thank you for feeling vulnerable and brave enough to talk about these hard feelings on here. This really helped me ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome

[@donnabull5038]

I'm so glad I found this video. My husband just died Dec. 02, 2023, of a heart attack as a result of his addiction. We separated 10 years ago after going through hell for 15 years prior to me leaving. I finally opened up and talked to him the day he died. We had talked before, but I was rather cold and distant. This particular day, we had a very nice conversation, about the kids and grandkids, and his goals and dreams of reconnecting with me and the kids. 5 hours later he was dead. I'm really having a really hard time with the should of, could of, would ofs. He had been in recovery for a year, but had a relapse, but immediately went back into the program. He was in such a positive place. I've been grieving him for a decade, but never realized it until he passed. It's like I lost him 10 years ago when it was so bad, but losing the man he had become and was becoming is somehow even harder. I'm just glad you understand, because not many do. People, can't understand how I could be this tore up over this after being separated for 10 years. Like you said there are so many feelings. Even relief like you said. It was like that burden had been lifted, but it was replaced with a new one.

[@haliberry9433]

Your videos have definitely been helping me aswell.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😃😃😃😃🤩🤩🤩

[@ruthhugo8935]

Amber, you are so lovely and thank you for all your work and sharing your personal story.

[@ruthhugo8935]

I second the motion.

[@noty410]

Hi Amber, I love your KZbins, they are incredibly helpful. God bless you & your important work

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much!

[@amethystthescientist7716]

One of your most powerful messages. All encompassing of all the complicated sides. Thank you so much. You are a change maker!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thank you

[@mazermajestic]

Thank you so much for making this video

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@noonenooneneither3838]

Something I learnt living in Singapore as a patient is that you get the rehab before surgeries. In other words you start opening the neuronal channels so you recover way much faster.

[@susanschill0524]

Thank you for sharing your story Amber ❤. So sorry for the loss of your family members, especially your mom! You did an amazing job with this video. I hope you know how much you help us! I am not sure where I would be with my adult addicted children without my Amber videos ❤❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks for your kindness and support Susan. It means a lot to me. 💖

[@codydaniel3239]

I lost my mom a week ago today after a long alcohol struggle. My dad was also an alcoholic and after they spilt she drank worse than i thought someone could drink. She went from a beautiful vibrant woman To a woman when she died i didnt recognize. I gave up after already wasting my 20s helping her and watching destory her life. She was of years old and she looked like she was 90. I hadnt seen her in what it seemed lifetimes. Her boyfriend and my sibling enabled her. I finally had enough got my business going. I still made my promise and paid for her servises and said goodbye. Ill never stop beating myself up.😢 I prepared but i still wish i waa there. I did care

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's so hard to have so many mixed feelings about your mother.

[@codydaniel3239]

@@PutTheShovelDown i have good insight to this subject. I was the black sheep for many years

[@vallivergano239]

Thank you so much for this. I lost my fiancé 9 months ago. He battled a severe alcoholism dependancy. I tried to save him. I miss him so much every day 😢

[@TVS848]

I wish I had discovered your videos a long time ago. They may have helped me and my child. Incredible information, but now I feel like I did everything wrong and it's too late!

[@littlehousehomearts1872]

Thank you for sharing this! I needed this as I have finally stepped away from my sister that has just ripped me to shreds emotionally when I confronted her as she returned to her addiction and turned on her supportive family. It is heart breaking!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome!

[@LKC2104]

Amber- this by far one of the most necessary talks I needed to be a part of. Thank you! You are amazing in truth and love.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😁😁🙏🏻

[@kathleenblair7278]

It is like our heart is broken, and you come along with a needle and thread and clean out the would, sew it up, and show us how to take care of ourselves.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwww that's so sweet. You brought a huge smile to my face!

[@theresaberlin3834]

I also lost my son 4 years ago from herion it’s just so sad

[@annissagraves3076]

Really enjoying your channel!

[@arawelo4324]

Dear Amer you are brave soul after what you went through you helping other people

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you Arawelo!

[@ankekirsten4284]

I am so greatful for finding you here, I v been grieving for over 20 yrs, my husband of 35 yrs is an alcoholic. It’s just getting worse. I’ve been wanting to leave for so so long. It’s just so hard. I understand so much more by listening to you, why I’ve been stuck. My mind is so messed up. I’ve lost so much. I wish I can just up and leave I’m 58. I am dying slowly. Some days I just wish, he can just die already, so I can move on. Just can’t deal with the drama of leaving and surviving financially . I have stopped fighting a long time ago. Thank you so much for making these videos.

[@loveandfreshwater]

Yes. Thank you.

[@karenj8406]

My husband was in alcohol addiction for 22 years. He then went into recovery for 5 years and then had a relapse. He then committed suicide after his relapse was discovered. I wentcthrough so many questions and false guilt. It is now 5 years later and I still battle to even date. My mom was an alcoholic as well.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💖💖💖💖💖