Dealing with Reminders

One of the biggest challenges for the betrayed spouse is how they deal with reminders. They can come out of nowhere and they usually arrive at the speed of light. But, is it realistic to expect that they betrayed can get a handle on them, and if so, how? Better yet, what does the unfaithful do when the betrayed seems paralyzed by reminders? Today I’ll be discussing practical insight to help diffuse the power of these reminders and how to not remain paralyzed by them.
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[@sudeshgaur6059]

Everything is a reminder after you're betrayed. Every parking lot, washroom, restaurant, park... everywhere and everything !

[@rica2284]

It’s torture to say the least

[@Jeradactile]

At almost 4 years since D-day I can say that reminders do show up at any time. I had one last night, actually, then I saw this video. They don’t hit as hard as they used to and they are less frequent. I can say that our relationship is so much closer now after all the work, than we ever were before. I feel like a better version of myself. Don’t give up on getting that version of you. It is well worth it.

[@suzimonkey345]

Can I ask? Did your unfaithful spouse sincerely apologise? Did they ever ask for your forgiveness? My husband seems incredibly triggered by shame. He can be the most kind, gentle & considerate man. His gut reaction to reminders of his shame is rage…I think. I don’t really know. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know the truth of my life. It’s all guesswork & I don’t trust my own perceptions anymore. The first sentence of your comment is similar to my situation…that’s where the similarities end! My husband is being kind & thoughtful. I just need to forget but I simply can’t control my head & I was never like this before…

[@AMaroney32]

ty for sharing. i fear when will the triggers stop, and will i ever feel better again

[@AMaroney32]

@@suzimonkey345 Hi Suzy, we have similar stories. ❤❤ I would love to get in touch with you and talk if you want to.

[@Jeradactile]

@@suzimonkey345 I believe, finding you is an important part. Do what it takes to get you better. Counseling, EMDR, books. Any life line you can grab. I would definitely suggest the EMS weekend. That was our main building block to moving forward. As for my wife, it’s hard to bring up as that adds a comparison piece to an already painfully awful situation. I’ll say she was will to do whatever it took to heal herself and then our marriage. I hope this helped and I’m so sorry you have to be here.

[@hiirredenta3837]

is it??so tender..so many grieving

[@sermelm608]

Marriage two is great!!! But i, me, my soul are not. My spouse got a free pass. I got to stay with my abuser. I sertled for less. This i think is the ultimate acceptance. This is as good as it can get but i deserved more.

[@laniec.f.2531]

"Make a conscious choice to not be a victim."? If I could figure out how to get rid of this anger, that might be an option. Continued thank you to this channel for all of the guidance these past many years.

[@prersgirls]

I pray that you are right. I’m a betrayed and the pain and anguish is unbearable. I’m clinging on to Gods grace and mercy. I’m trying. Almost 3 months from one of the worst days of my life. I cling on to hope from all these videos. My husband is trying but my heart and trust is destroyed.

[@larrygragg8529]

It's going to take time. It's been 6 months since I discovered my wife's affair. The pain is still there, but it is getting better. As long as your husband is trying the pain will ease. Good luck with your recovery and reconciliation.

[@katrinagarnett3256]

I know this is more than a year later, but to anyone reading, it really makes a difference if you seek couples and individual counseling. It also matters, more importantly, that your spouse step up, own what they did, and provide accountability and safety measures. This makes a huge difference.

[@elizabethcurran-xf7sn]

I had a one night physical affair…. While my bf and I were on a break up. It continued to be an emotional for a couple of weeks… until my bf saw a text. Now we are trying to deal with all this mess I created. Now there is the intimacy issue. He gets triggered and then I do from the rejection. We can’t afford good professional help. I am reading… we are both doing the BootCamp… and plan on doing EMS online. I hope this helps… because we both want it to work. Just not sure it will work without professional help.😢

[@karrisumrall7438]

Totally understood. In your very shoes

[@preciousperry4033]

One of the worst reminders can be running into the person they cheated with!!! It's not always just in your mind!!

[@larrygragg8529]

My wife has always asked me what I would do if I ever ran into her AP anywhere because we all live in the same county and frequent some of the same places. I honestly didn't know what might happen until one day I saw somebody that looked just like him. My blood pressure shot through the roof. I started walking toward this guy with my fists clenched and ready to "throw down" until I realized it wasn't him. I had to stop and take a long breather to stop an anxiety attack. My wife says I'm usually not that type of person and I had to remind her that he was one reason my entire world fell apart due to no fault of my own. I didn't ask for any of this, but yet I'm forced to deal with it.

[@momadewoodsigns1579]

One of my husband's affair partner works at the same place as me and my husband!!!! It sucks!! It breaks my heart everytime I have to see her!!!!!! 😪

[@marriesb1444]

It is the month when he started talking to his AP. I found out 7 months ago his affair was 6 months. We are doing the work and he was not in love with her it was his escape from reality and trying to deal with childhood trams. Bit the triggers and reminders are so hard and they come from out of the blue. The worst trigger is he had her in my car and we can't afford to get a new one. He is doing everything right and we love each other very much. Hoping it gets better and I get through the next months

[@catgpm6964]

Thank you for this video Wayne. As a betrayed spouse the reminders are part of the worst of it, yes. Remembering that the grace I can give myself around these are a direct result of focusing on my individual healing journey is helpful too. Brings back to me some power in handling these situations. I'm actually also struggling with... the knowledge that my sex addict spouse has reminders of porn stars and his affair partners. How am I meant to be okay with this catalogue of women he has in his mind, access to 24/7. Even if he is in recovery not actively thinking of them, he gets reminders of them and properly still has moments reminiscing over them too. If my reminders of his betrayals will never go away, just my handling of them will improve... How am I meant to be okay with knowing his many women's bodies & emotional feelings towards them in his head will never go away? It's just that his handling of these things will get better over time....

[@lafaele1980]

13 years on and it still hurts like yesterday

[@roannathephoenix8561]

The best way to lessen the impact of those reminders and triggers absolutely is understanding the why. Almost 4yrs out and the triggers and reminders are still there but I've learned to put them in the proper perspective. It can happen for we the betrayed but it takes time and effort. Even if the relationship eventually ends the triggers and reminders may come but they won't have the power they once had. Believe.

[@goinggaga4ladygaga]

We have made quite a lot of progress and yes I’m sure our marriage will be better and stronger but I don’t think I will ever get to a place where I think this is the best thing that ever happened to me. Because it has destroyed me and even tho 90% of our marriage is better, I will always have this affair and this other woman as a part of our story and that sometimes feels to me like a stone in my shoe, something that will always cast a shadow over my happiness. I will come back in a few years and see if I’ve changed my mind

[@jenniferwhite2402]

I am 3 years in from the start of my world changing. It still hurts and there are still triggers. It hurts less and the triggers a moment of pain but then i remember all the work he had done since and what he has done to earn my trust back. When I first found out what was happening and when i told him to end it his emotions affair I would have never thought this day would come that it would hurt but bit tears or rage would come. There is hope.

[@JohnnyJitsu11]

I found out about emotional Affair on November 17th 2020 and more on August 2021. Right now I’m dealing with heavy reminders and I’m holding on to so much resentment. I’m typing this before watching this video.

[@larrygragg8529]

D-day for my wife's affair was July, 2021. We are working toward reconciliation and are making great progress. Reminders are what is getting me and I'm able to handle them. I will have good days and bad days, but lately I have started having dreams of her and the AP being together. When this happens I wake up having an anxiety attack and am so angry. I am able to get past them, but I have to wonder why they just started now that we are almost 6 months out and not when everything first came out.

[@supermottanz]

Same happened to me...I was so angry i went to sleep on the couch.

[@bryanfrench8671]

Really good video Did ems weekend 2 1/2 years ago. Ems on-line. Wayne was our mentor. Thank you for all your support and wisdom through this time. There are still days ND many reminders for my wife. They don't hit as hard as they did before, but I still try to look out for them for her..she did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve such reminders. I know she has chosen to be here and everyday I feel blessed to still have her in my life. We are doing great together..better than before I believe. Open communication, honest, and loving in every way possible.. Thanks again for your videos they seem to hit he everytime k

[@richellesmitley9107]

My reminder is my period…his AP got pregnant and every time I have my monthly cycle I’m reminded that she is pregnant and having his baby while I’m not. It’s devastating…

[@enjforever98]

How are you doing today?

[@goinggaga4ladygaga]

I’m sure my marriage will be better, not sure I’m there yet on whether this will be the best thing that ever happened to me, this has torn me down in so many ways and it feels like each time I start to rebuild myself, our relationship, our family another tsunami crashes into us and we have to rebuild again. Very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, when your in the eye of the tornado, but I keep looking for it and aiming for it either way.

[@rica2284]

That’s all we can do is keep trying. Hope for the best for you and yours. 🙏🏼

[@1985JustinC]

I found out 2 months ago that my wife has had a 2 year long affair with someone she worked with. We have decided to stay together and do our best to find a better future. I feel I can do this because I have a lot of issues to own up to regarding the collapse of our marriage. I was resentful and disconnected for years. That said, reminders/triggers are incredibly difficult to work through. We live in a small town and it’s a challenge even running to the store without thinking about their relationship or feeling anxious that we might bump shoulders with someone. We are committed to our future, and taking whatever steps possible to heal individually and together. I have decided I want to move states. I want a full fresh start somewhere where I’m not constantly reminded of this small town affair. I’m not naïve and understand reminders will follow me no matter where we end up for some time. But I do feel it will help me take a deep breath and focus on the future. What are your experiences with couples moving after disclosure?

[@AffairrecoveryLLC]

Hey Justin, thanks for reaching out! Please feel free to email your questions to [e-mail]. To healing.

[@jp3709]

My wife cheated in 2012 several times. Didn’t find out tell June 2013. She said she loves me but not in love with me. Somehow I was able to convince her to move to another state to start over. She contacted her lover just a few months after that. Again we were states away so I just let it go. Then 2019 she cheated again. She moved out for 6 months and came back because we agreed we didn’t have anything else but each other. 3 weeks ago I found out she cheated again. This time with a lover she had since 2019 when she moved out. She moved back in and kept this guy in her back pocket tell we had relationship issues again and she reached out to him. We have 3 kids. I can’t do the hurt anymore. I told her to find” Mr Right” Said she can stay with us until she does. My heart is broken Do I forgive again ? Have I been able to forgive the first time? I don’t want to give up but trigggers, reminders, the guy she had affair with has a business and my company works on their vehicles! Talk about reminders! What to do…… I see 4 options. Forget/forgive and try again. Jesus said 77x7. Leave. Start over. Kids would have to “moms” and 2 “dads”…. Run away and send money. Just not to be seen again…… Get drunk and drive super fast ( where there are no other vehicles)… find cliff and say good buy

[@cherieloy9339]

I’m curious how your doing now? Our story is like yours…somedays are very hard for him

[@rica2284]

One of my most biggest and most hurtful devastating reminders is a child that I didn’t give him, but that the affair partner gave him. I just don’t know what to do with that. An affair is one thing, but a child…….

[@Topi778]

How have you dealt with this as I am now going through this as well.

[@ranma9823]

@@Topi778 I've had to deal with this 11 years ago. My partner at the time got pregnant but we decided to stay together. It was extremely difficult, but I had to remind myself that the kid didn't have a choice to the circumstances of her conception. She was a carbon copy of her father, too, so that definitely was a trigger, but I just kept reminding of myself--she's just a child. It took a while, but eventually, as she grew older, I was able to see her as her own person--and someone I've influenced quite a bit with her love for arts. Throughout the years, my ex grew more and more toxic and abusive that we just had to break up. The kid is the only good thing that came out of that relationship. She loves me and still calls me "dad" because she knew and felt that I loved her. It won't be the same for everyone, but that to me, is priceless.

[@hollytaylor6858]

your a special person to do that. Bless you

[@FloMorganBuffaloBills]

How can I get over a reminder, or trigger, when he is still lying, and keeping secrets from me? When caught in a lie his go to is blame shifting, or trying to explain his way out of it. 19 months from d day, 16 months of sobriety. He is getting where he is threatening towards me, and verbally abusive with 5 year old grandchildren. He has been in saa since the end of August 2020, seeing therapist before day, and then addiction counseling, now csat. He is now in sex addiction 102 class, yet he is still doing worse in his actions towards me and grandchildren. Help please.

[@KennethJames-c4p]

She doesn't understand why I'm still here . Trying to rebuild.. says she's just waiting for me to go back to the affair. I don't in any way ..

[@HoffnerPrecision]

Wow, so incredibly hurtful to hear you say this could end up being the best thing that ever happened to us. You must not be the betrayed. You’ve apparently never had the person you love more than anything in this world use something that special and important to you to completely destroy you as a person. We’re working on reconciliation, but the comment above about being stuck with your abuser really hit me hard. The day I see my wife having an affair as a good thing is the day I’ll know I’ve completely died inside. I usually find a lot of good in these videos, but this might be the last one I watch. 😢

[@enjforever98]

I think what he means is because we have gotten to this place the light is showing what is broken. Now that we are at a place where we have no choice but to work on what is broken because we can see it clearly. we can now journey through the process of what otherwise would have never been known and therefore not fixed.

[@AL_FARID_23]

God bless you all at AR

[@niravshukla6999]

Person can fight with outer forces, but the forces which comes from Inside for years and years, even the strongest person of the earth is helpless....😭😭😭😭..

[@eventhere2788]

LOL Trigger events stil happen 22 years later. It's not like they naturally go away. That's a lie. One learns to COPE. I know the truth. I know my husband regrets and loves, and we have moved from the infidelity - but triggers, reminders never go away. I just have learned to handle them

[@michelleesmith5137]

❣

[@prersgirls]

I pray that you are right. I’m a betrayed and the pain and anguish is unbearable. I’m clinging on to Gods grace and mercy. I’m trying. Almost 3 months from one of the worst days of my life. I cling on to hope from all these videos. My husband is trying but my heart and trust is destroyed.

[@rica2284]

I know exactly how you feel. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’m 2 1/2 years in. I still cry and get physical pain. I hope you get to a point where you can push through the pain easier. It’s easy to tell someone, you deserve better, leave them. But in my case, my husband is the love of my life. It’s not that simple to just walk away. I guess being that much in love with someone is a blessing and a curse. Hope you find peace somewhere, somehow soon. Take care 🙏🏼