Stages of Emotions You Experience After Discovering Your Spouse or Partner is a Covert Narcissist

To find out more about Debbie's books, online courses, meditations, healing music, and coaching with her, click on the following link: www.debbiemirza.com/

[@MM-my3pc]

My biggest grief is knowing for 21 years he didn’t have empathy for me.

[@kirk1007]

I know right.

[@conqururfear]

AND FOR 12 years my Caro: was Vietnamese aggressive, and When she left on August 1, 2020 I felt completely stripped of all manhood and felt 100% fooled I felt violated and abused,,,,,lEspecially my cover she looks loved to become best friends with the golden child

[@elhadjdiallo633]

Wow it's never too late to become what you might have been or should have been !!!!!!

[@happy_me12]

I told my husband u don feel any empathy towards me nd he was like yes I don’t feel so wat do I do..It was like god was making him spill out truth from his mouth nd I’m grateful to god he did cos that helped me understand things..God always protects his children nd doesn’t wan them to suffer..

[@tbd5082]

Most people in this situation are really alone because they married a narcissist because their parents were narcissistic.

[@Megdracula]

I think this is me and this second “wonderful”marriage is different bc he’s so covert but I’m catching on

[@PrinceAzureZZZ]

Yes and the coercive control as weeded out any other friends you may have had too. It’s a lonely road but I’d rather be alone thin to deal with this torture🙌

[@Mnalotus-pk1pc]

This is the situation I’m in. I can’t trust my mom at all and my dad passed. My sister is also a narcissist and lives 12 minutes away. When she lived with my husband and I they both would talk crap about me and my husband triangulated us regularly. I was angry all the time with the both of them around. My sister always tries to tell me how to raise my kids and say comments about how she would never do this or that but I clearly do and it’s all in an attempt to make herself feel better because she does feel inadequate. I’ve been healing this past year and have been able to put up with it and not let it affect me as much. The daily cleansing, clearing, meditations and time to myself is as essential as taking a shower everyday. I am going through these emotions and feelings again a year and a half after realizing what was happening when I started to awaken spiritually. Thank you for this video.

[@ssibhah]

Spot on. My experience exactly.

[@c5quared626]

Yeah somehow I was trying to avoid narc women, so I found the one who looks opposite to mom, few years in I realized she out narcs mom and manipulates everyone.. my whole town is a flying monkey. She came from India.. so cultural narcissist, terrible for a guy who drinks a bit. The criticism and judgement. Terrible. Killed me and kept in a death loop. Would have died soon. She did call police, and that actually got me researching. She actually did a discard without wanting to.. destroyed my name with disgusting allegations. And told the whole street. While I'm alone in shambles. Was crying for days. Thinking I was the narc by gaslight, but the fact I cry for her.. to be with her. I'm the stupid empath. She would only cry in my face as an act, never alone. It's actually cute, how subconscious all these strange phenomena manifest. She literally pretended to cheat just to get that phenomenon to release.. but none of the dudes are at my level, I'm a great lover, possibly a sexual narcissist.. but that is my weakness she exploited with intimacy deprivation. And I just ended up getting another addiction.. with online use..

[@janiemiller8706]

Good point - not just hurt 😞 Anger comes up as well “ rage “ Angry at being fooled - manipulated emotionally - tricked - conned - treated cruelly, gaslighted, mind games etc . Thank you 🙏 for bringing up the anger aspect of the grieving - healing process. For validating it’s natural to experience some anger feelings ( hurt ) etc in the aftermath of involvement with a Covert Narc .

[@JackieCali]

I feel so alone even if he’s in the same room. He’s emotionless and never expresses Love and when he claims he does, to me it feels disingenuine. He also does a lot of passive aggressive things and then when I question, I get hit with the “What you talking about” games like I’m the crazy one. Then they wonder why we’re so emotional. The mind games drives me up the wall. I’m numb...

[@bellaw.8630]

I feel you, I feel the same exact way. Solidarity, I hope 11 months from now you are in a better place (not with him!)

[@sparklyfiend81]

I'm sorry. I hope it's better for you now. My husband has completely shut me down from expressing myself in any way. He withholds all love, affection, companionship from me. He is at the point that if I speak, he puts headphones on. Its so lonely

[@57ccook]

I’m sorry for your pain. Before the final discard my ex narc said “I know you’re lonely.” They know what they are doing to you, and it’s wrong.

[@MzGumby02]

I can relate to your pain. My ex (over a decade ago) made me feel crap at home too. She told me that I make her feel like a stranger in her own home. That made zero-sense, because when I wanted to be affectionate or talk out our differences she treated me like a stranger. We'd be spending time together, and she'd jump up saying "I can't do this!" She'd either disappear, or go in her computer room for hours. It made me feel weird. She has also done that during intimacy. She even made me feel bad about the gift she gifted me. She'd tell me I had to pay her for them. I should've known better when she was asking for gifts back from her ex-girlfriend. Jewelry and all. My NM use to do that to me with gifts. She'd get mad when she couldn't control me, and ask for the gifts back or start demanding I paid for them. I was seriously brainwashed. I also know what you mean about feeling alone. It's like they care more about everyone else, and they put them first, and you come in last.

[@LR-yu3mx]

Sometimes the loneliness and lack of trusting siblings and others become overwhelming

[@lindaw.1568]

Yes, I am sensitive, which is one of my positive traits. He used it like an insult, but I don't buy that. The shock of realizing that the man I thought I knew was not the real person behind the mask has brought absolutely everything you are describing here.. Thank you for this validation. I am now almost 4 months NC, having left him at the end of March.. I have joined a support group of women in similar relationships, and videos like yours are sanity-savers! I am healing well. Thank you so very much for your intelligent, kind message! 💕

[@debbiemirza1744]

You are so welcome Linda! And I LOVE that you know your sensitivity is a positive trait! It's a super power! :-)

[@teachersusanute199]

So angry .... yes, and trying to make others see and they don‘t ... so frustrating 😳

[@fitandfabulous]

No one ever sees. So frustrating and depressing. These people are the devil

[@teachersusanute199]

fitandfabulous yes, once you know the signs it is sooo obvious. But only for you, the others have become flying monkeys ... (in my case)

[@DonnaChamberson]

That’s the creepiest. That’s why I “ditch” them and everyone involved with them. Anyone willingly involved with a narcissist is mentally ill and will report back to them. They have to come to their own realization. This included myself for a long time.

[@trickynicky2118]

This really resonated with me. I think the hardest thing about realising my parents were narcissistic was letting go any hope of the situation improving. It went against everything I wanted to believe in the world, that deep down everyone cares and all situations can get better over time. Holding optimisim and realism at the same time didn't just cause cognitive dissonance, it caused emotional dissonance. Your voice is very soothing and reassuring.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so glad you felt soothed and reassured. And I SO understand. xx

[@janiemiller8706]

Tricky Nicky I can relate It’s really disappointing- hurts to realize dysfunctional parents will never change & learning to accept that & letting go of the “ hope “ is important - yet also it’s a process - a grieving process in a sense ( loss of hope or loss of the fairy tale dream of parents changing or being psychologically healthy- loving 🥰 etc ). It’s a loss to be grieved too.

[@legalfictionnaturalfact3969]

Hush money, my story has similarities to yours. I cut off my entire family a few years ago. Fabulous decision and that fact is confirmed more and more as time goes on. Let's keep up the good work. :-)

[@bronwyntanner4501]

I went no contact with my narc mother March 2013. I was 53 years old. She had been toxic all my life and I was finished. Enough. Happy joyous and free from all her bad behaviour

[@__WhatIsGoingOn__]

@@debbiemirza1744 I’m codependent on my covert narc mom. I’ve tried to break away a few times but gone back. The issue is I’m a single parent and become isolated, I literally have no-one on my life, close friends/partner. Feel like so many people treat me poorly, ex doesn’t even have any contact with my our child. So my mom seem like better the devil you know, it’s like she’s the only one left in my life. My thoughts about her i.e she’s great it’s my fault or no it’s her that’s the problem yet all these people seem to like a respect her. I desperately want to break away, it’s ALWAYS something with her, though I’m totally scared and frightened about walking away.

[@Suzu52]

I am mostly angry at myself for having no sense of self and self esteem and allowing myself to be treated this way......not only from the covert narcissist, but family members and even longtime friends......I must warn you tho', once you do start standing up for yourself people cannot handle it because they are used to you not saying anyhing...It has cost me a few relationships and I'm okay with that.....they weren't "true" reciprocal relationships

[@legalfictionnaturalfact3969]

FUCK em. :)

[@a_womans_intuition7195]

Thanks for sharing this..same here..it’s not our fault we didn’t stand up because we were hit by multiple narcs..the awakening process takes time and the gaslighting gets more severe as we do. When we do stand up for ourselves that’s when it’s Game Over and they know it.

[@happy_me12]

Rightly said..!!

[@LR-yu3mx]

It was(in retrospect, the are both deceased) that all the unpleasant esse and heartbreak that I lived through, were start ing to make sense. Yes.. Cognative dissonance. Angry, sad, relieved that they are no more... A giant jigsaw pieces faling in place. They played a role on a stage. Looking back at cruelty, realise I survived

[@feliciajohnston4877]

Ditto

[@fitandfabulous]

It's the craziest roller coaster of emotions. It's crippling when you realize the truth. Realizing the cognitive dissonance brings feelings of shame. It's so hard. I'm still trying to heal... but the positive? Im no.contact and narc free!!😀👍🏾 Thank you Debbie!! Love your videos 💙💙💙

[@retroblue4044]

Don’t stay because you have kids , they will destroy them too and blame you for all of it .

[@joysimmons446]

Don't stay

[@okok-bp9dj]

I have also dumped covert narc "friends" who I knew for over a decade. Angry and sad, shocked, confused, then when I look back on their behavior I feel ashamed I did not notice or acknowledge it earlier.

[@rickiilatino]

I did likewise but I know I was conditioned to accept abuse since childhood so I am learning to have compassion on myself as I heal. This helpful information was not available as I grew up neither. I know my future is going to be better thank God.

[@shomala]

Thank you for posting this. I felt very much alone going through the stages. It’s difficult enough for anyone to understand what you went through with covert narc let alone understand the stages after you leave the narc. Fear was one of the toughest ones. I was reclusive for some time because I didn’t know who I could trust, even myself. These videos and reading the comments helps. There’s validation that my experience wasn’t just mine alone. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. It’s a mantra I saw every day.

[@genxmum5569]

I only really figured it out after the discard.

[@Suzu52]

I only figured it out 2 decades after the discard!!!

[@nadinediotte721]

Me too

[@webiriss]

Me too, I'm in total disbelief still. It means all these years were just fake moments in my life.

[@conqururfear]

I DISCOVERED THE WORLD OF COVERT NARCISSISM ON In October after. Being ghosted on Augusta 1. start watching videos and I had it figured out by November 1 but I was in the right place right time for 12 years she owned me controlling my every move and I would’ve jumped off a five story building backwards and landI DISCOVERED THE WORLD OF COVERT NARCISSISM ON In October after. Being ghosted on Augusta 1. start watching videos and I had it figured out by November 1

[@obaidpayenda9245]

I did not see it for 21 years

[@drdavidmackereth6482]

Debbie, Without your book, I would never have understood the truth. Deeply grateful.

[@janethomas78]

I was abused ike this by my whole family AND partners. Not ANY MORE!! I quit them! NEVER AGAIN!!

[@nikkic83]

Thank you for the validation. Long story, short. Raised by 2 emotionally neglectful parents (mother\stepfather ). Biological father touched me in inappropriate ways when I was a teenager. Not a good start in life. Several abusive relationships and 3 rapes later I had to move back in with my mother that I now, after processing my most recent trauma by a sociopath, have come to realize after therapy and videos like this, is NPD or high on the spectrum bordering NPD. First came fear, then denial because of the fear and now anger, sometimes hatred. Sadness and depression thrown in to change it all up a bit. Throw in the mix PTSD, guilt because she is 82 and I’m 56 and HSP. It’s exhausting. Her hold on me is not only guilt but financial because I’m dependent on her which I also hate but I am working on changing that. Lord help me! Thank you for helping me be ok with this roller coaster ride of emotions. In the past I would have either suppressed them or beat myself up because of them.

[@christine9467]

I’m stuck in between the acceptance and validation phase. I’ve been married for 18 years to this man and I always knew something was wrong. I always thought it was bipolar. I thought ok, he’s just sick. But this covert narcissist thing is way worse because it’s almost like a demon is running this person. The condescending comments, manipulation, victimization and anger rages are just horrible to live with. I’m not sure what to do as I’ve got a 14 year old to care for. If I would have known this last year, I would not have quit my job to stay at home. Ugh! I’m praying so much. I hope God can help him.

[@Suzu52]

They can change ; they WON'T

[@colette2612]

When? I am stuck in a choke hold! I cant get past this. 56 years of it...Always thought something was wrong, but always protected him because I thought he didnt know better...Surely he loves his children! The pain I suffer since his mask fell! OMG

[@MovieTube4Me]

My husband is combat vet with ptsd and meds are known to make them numb, uncaring. He was like this before diagnosis 20yrs too late. Did combat do this, did psych training he was the test genration and proof it resulted in higher survival rate deliberately make them narcissistic? This is my dilemma. Was he narcissistic beforehand, Ihavent a clue I met him after combat. I knew I was marrying into potential problems mum warned me against military marriage she knew first hand. I presumed the crap was just him. None of us is perfect, that belief sheltered me for decades. Then one day i realized he was worse, he discarded me, rated me lower than a total stranger cominy to our home to get him to go through legal papers, he is a JP. When I said wife usually rates above all others if you love her helooked at me blankly, didnt understand nor care to. I came across definition of narcissism quite by chance but by labelling him as one researched and finallyhad answers to all the why questions about his behaviour. I found I could at last put the past into perpective and found a peace i needed. It came at a cost. Description given here was spot on but I will add stress overload was so great it tripped my immune system so badly anti depressant i tried I copped all side effects ba anaphylctic shock. I had leg wound and suddenly it got neighbours when my skin blistered from adhesive dressing and bandages. Then i got bed bug like rash. It drove me nuts. It was weird to feel horrid to and see and totally unpredictable. Only platic cover then bug proof full matress cover halted rash.but not to be stopped heat rash came and now rash comes if Iget over emotional. So i have been to crazy land and back again. Lock down last year was a blessing the world joined me in isolation. I was jubilant truly woke every morning saying welcome to myworld. I was relieved to see normal folk go round twist like I had after yers of constantly being put into coventry as Icalled it. I am doing one final try to see if husband is capable of meeting my demands, he know if he cant I will remain here but no contact will restart and I will live as single. I have removed my rings started using maiden name online. He is more scared than me right now I sense but time will tell. Good luck to you all. I tell my story for it is not always as clear cut as expert's videos makeout. I dont believe in leaving someone if theyare totally unaware of their behaviour unless it endangers you. I have always known he wasnt telling truth about me andhe was likely crazy. I married him eyes wide open and thankfully ignorant of reality if bad. We just passed 48yrs married. I want us to be better than we were and that will suffice for me. PTSD is narcisstic by nature and now I understand the man better I can go forward slowly with him or not. After this long leaving is not best option. I may regret it but I believed in wedding vows I made not for religious reasons but I promised him and meant it. I still see the good in him.

[@LifeChangePlans]

I have been through a huge learning curve since the relationship ended in August 2020. Yes, it was a shock for me, especially when he wrote to me and told me that in the 11 years we were together he "never loved me".... I have purchased your book to read.

[@hongkongtennis]

This video explains exactly what happened in my relationship. When I began to feel angry after 2 and a half years, I didn’t express it very well and then, according to her, my anger was the problem, and she still wouldn’t acknowledge or discuss the issues that were triggering it. So I was still the one that was wrong all the time about everything. Now four months since I last saw her, even though I know all this, I still love her and miss her. That’s the really hard part.

[@jbresilient379]

Always Love your videos! I would add one more emotion to the process- DENIAL! Often when you first hear the label of Narcissist of any kind you think it doesn’t quite fit your situation, then you may think... they love me and they will listen to me and want to change to make our relationship work (because you are willing to look at yourself and make changes and you think everyone looks at life that way!) your brain will come up with a million reasons why your Narc is the one who really is capable of love and emotions. I know it took me years of education and therapy and reading books before I could accept that there was no hope for things to improve and NO CONTACT/divorce was the only option... then i started moving through the rest of the steps!

[@debbiemirza1744]

Yes! Good point!

[@jackleentoop7693]

I find the biggest thing for me is the anger and rage I feel towards him when I see him, It is hard for me to understand how anyone could be so cruel to another person. I had cognitive dissonance, I couldn’t see what he was doing, until he told me last year. He sat in the lounge chair with pure evil on his face and said he had decided 23 years ago not to make love to me again, unless I asked for it, it was as though my head exploded and all these pictures of us over the years came together and I could see that was exactly what he had done. I have tried very hard in the last 25 years to get our marriage to work and I couldn’t understand why, I was given no information and was stonewalled all the way through. Now I know why and I am so very angry that he wasted 23 years of my life for his own ends.

[@loveeaother3180]

oh wow yes 37 years of marriage and dated 10 years before then So almost 50 years My life is almost over and now the anger and bitterness and how to get out of it No love left but I dont love him anymore He sucked it all out of me I feel like a bird in a cage and have never known anything different and then realization the door was open the whole time but what do I do?

[@someonenew9442]

Is there anyone you could go and stay with for a while, to give you a chance to experience life outside that cage? I walked out after almost forty years, life was just not life at all, it was feeling constant dread. I'm no spring chicken either, but I'm glad he can't ruin the rest of my life, and you might feel a lot younger once you taste freedom again!

[@missliberty10]

I hope you found a way to get out ,life isn't over till it is and what ever time what is left is way more worth living without the narc in it ,much love to you 💚

[@JackieCali]

I know this is off topic but your hair is gorgeous 😍

[@teacherGrace23]

I just realized this is my older sister. WOW. I’m still in shock. I’ve been through hell. Will this anger every go away?

[@LiveFree123]

This was very timely for me. I love your heart and how you share these things. Thank you.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so glad, Tracey. And thank you! xx

[@denisedevoto2834]

I was really angry for a year after I discovered he was abusive. I am just now feeling better.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so glad you are feeling better, Denise. You deserve to feel so much joy and love. xx

[@denisedevoto2834]

Debbie Mirza thanks. I have narcissistic parents too, so I am still recovering.

[@samanthachildress1091]

This is the exact kind of information I needed to clear some confusion, thank you!

[@myrahouse2368]

Thanks I watched a Documentary about Hamish a Romantic Narcissist after it I felt considerably better about myself. The woman he fooled and hooked where Beautiful intelligent lovely people. It was nice to understand that there wasn’t a thing wrong with me the whole thing was him. I feel an element of disgust that he was dirty Narc.... I am still gutted I still get ecos and flash backs but I know I will recover fully ☀️

[@meloney10]

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It helps to understand everything in perspective that I went through after discovering the covert narcissist in my spouse, and yes I was nodding my head through this whole video, because everything you said, had happened exactly like that. And somehow it took me about three years to finally know that I am not going crazy, because even his family started seeing the true person that was in him. I am only now finding means to divorce him because he has manipulated and abused me financially and refused or was just unwilling to do the work of going to court. So now I am finally doing it. I tried to a year ago, but then he nearly through me out of the house (again) and went over my head to the landlord after I repeatedly said No that he cannot come back to live with us again. He threatened to take the kids and get a bigger place that would have cost his whole salary just so that he doesn't have to support me. So he's been living in our flat again for the last year, and when I spoke to him to say that he needs to leave when the divorce is final, then he says that he refuses, and that he needs to see that the kids are okay first. We have been married on paper for 14 years, nearly 15, estranged for 3 1/2.

[@HomesandlifestylebyJess]

It’s amazing hearing all the things I’ve felt out loud and from someone else’s mouth. So validating and peace giving for me. I’m leaving now before his discard has happened... the cycle continues. His and my emotional one. Being Strong daily in MOMENTS is my superpower right now.

[@youalreadyknow6763]

I’ve watched many KZbin video on this topic but your video really touch me bc they way you explained is exactly what I am experiencing.. tysm this video

[@blackhourse6373]

Thanks a lot for your book and videos. Your give hope when I feel hopeless. After 18 years of relationship with covert narsisist ex wife, I try to manage all my life from the beginning. I went thought deep depression, anxienty and realy dark places. Now I want to belive in better future. You helped me so much.

[@julieadams8415]

I seen it early then watched it unfold then i gave benefit of the doubt thought it was me i felt like i was dead inside until last year i seen alot of behavior this video is on target then it got to segs abuse making me sleep with him if i didnt the abuse started.im awake now ordered your book thank you. Alot of healing to begin

[@blazinbloke]

if you have seen my comments to two of your previous videos, you are now saying what I commented. I 100% resonate with this. Thank you for validating me.

[@webiriss]

It really feels like I nightmare, I'm in total disbelief. A lot of pain. Thank you so much for the video it summarize what I couldn't express

[@jeffcauthen6434]

Just found you! You are a blessing. My eyes have been opened. I feel so much better in a way. Have and am going through so much of your examples.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so happy to hear you feel so much better! Much blessings to you going forward.

[@mreloo]

it was like going from a bad dream into nightmare...wtf..40 f in years wandering in the wilderness with my covert narsicist Jezebel wife....well that explains it....mine just about finished me off... autoimmune disease bone disease chronic pain over use of narcotics... thank God for my daughter who helped wake me up....crazy

[@nanceejay3507]

Some people really are alone. I'm one of them. I have family who care but they are miles/hours away. I have nobody to help and have to care for my very elderly mother. Sucks.

[@vivianevenancio6502]

In the last weeks I've experienced such strong emotional and cognitive dissonance by coming to the understanding that my mother displays many covert narcissist tendencies that I was very dizzy, it's like my brain was melting! But I guess it is a good sign, it means my thinking and feeling structures are changing and opening to the reality. Debbie, your hair is beautiful! 😍

[@bronwyntanner4501]

OH yes - accurate descriptions of how I felt during the 14 year insane marriage to the passive aggressive covert narc. Free since JUne 2017. So much hard work into healing and growth and recovery, Thank you for being there

[@BrandiEckert]

I describe it as feeling like I wasn't living in the Twilight Zone and that is as close as I can come. That, and sleeping with the enemy. 23 YEARS and if it hadn't ended I would STILL NOT KNOW. It is mind boggling.

[@Rose-qk2qo]

Worded so perfectly. I found myself agreeing to 95% of this for my personal situation and it just felt like I wasn’t alone! Thank you so much for putting it into words and explaining it so clearly!

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so glad! You're so welcome! xx

[@tbd5082]

I see the light - now. It’s a hard road. If I could change my healing journey over again- I would have exercised more to diffuse the bad emotions from my body.

[@bridaily9835]

Thank you so much so happy I found your channel ! Right on point your great ❤️ feel to heal !

[@shamimtemour]

Wow!!! Thank you so much for this video ❤️. It has covered so much for me. The roller coaster of emotions made me feel like I was ‘Crazy’ and unstable. I was so in love with him, even though I accepted a lot over our 22 years of marriage. I always told my kids that their father had a difficult childhood which made him the way he was. Little did I realise that my making excuses for him made our children’s lives difficult 😔. He was in an emotional affair for the second time with his childhood sweetheart and refused to see it for what it was and give it up to save our marriage. He left as I had no choice but to give a. Ultimatum, I was making excuses regarding their ‘friendship’ for months, it nearly cost me my sanity. I can relate to everything you have said. Thank you for mentioning the fear aspect, it is something that takes my focus away most days. I even get scared when putting petrol (I’m in the UK 😊) in the car because he did all the car stuff and made me feel extremely inadequate. I remember the hurt of being called fat and him making comments about my face over the past few years and still expecting me to meet his ‘needs’, very emotionally abusive and cruel. He’s been gone a few months, but the lack of closure is unnerving and in our last message I actually told him he was a Narcissist and he should look it up 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@toneman335]

Just remember that you can't tell a Narcissist anything because , in their twisted mind, they know everything are never wrong!

[@stylist62]

Thank you, sadness despair depression betrayals broken hearted hard to believe the cruelty, doing nothing to participate I don’t know who I can trust, Deeply wounded, annxiety trauma remorse learning to care for me can’t stop thinking about it, fear, grief, This is exactly what happened, I am 9 months realizing processing , learning to love me do things for me I can hear myself think now. I had no idea what I was dealing with when I was in it, that this is real

[@Ralf09]

Thank you Debbie, very helpful!

[@runwiththewind3281]

Debbie Mirza, thank you for helping me understand.

[@cmac9316]

Wow this hit home I still have the slightest hope that I am wrong, I have so many narcissistic tendencies but i know 100% I am not and believe it will be easier to correct the behaviours when I surround myself with the right energy

[@jmacdonald8630]

Your channel is absolutely fantastic. I am trying to help a dear friend who is currently in the denial stage about her spouse but is understandably very confused, angry, hopeless and empty. Ms. Mirza, you are helping so many victims on this channel. Your down to earth approach is so appreciated and so relatable. BTW, is there any familial connection to Dr. Stella Mirza of Brantford, Ontario. If so, I have a story for you. Thank you and continue to be proud of your successful journey. 🙏🏼

[@debbiemirza1744]

Thank you SO much for your kind and affirming comment! And, I am not familiar with Dr. Stella Mirza, but now I'm curious! 🙂

[@Lolatheiyatola]

No contact with my NM for almost 6 years. Still muddling through. There are great days and bad ones. I wrote a letter to myself from my NM and she apologized in the letter. I will never get that in real life. I no longer hate her. I piti her and that is freedom

[@Vashti0825]

I didn't connect the dots until I started working from home and really had to spend 24/7 with him as a result. He is currently in an assisted living after MULTIPLE surgeries. He is losing control and not handling it well. He badgers me to come home and is manipulating staff, sinking into depression. I really don't feel sorry for him. It has taken me some time to sort through all the emotions you described. I can't exactly divorce him because he is a hoarder and I'm now cleaning out ALL of his crap in the garage and in his room. God help me if he ever finds out how much I have thrown away. I really don't like him and wish I could walk, but this house is mine too. FYI - he's 22 years my senior. Of course he knows everything, right?

[@tanjazabihi4504]

100 percent right on. Did u live my life? I do many of the rungs u suggest, but recovery is so slow. I am overwhelmed with my life:

[@IMTinaMarieJ]

Very helpful. You just described my entire marriage

[@LR-yu3mx]

Wish there were groups like AAnon one could attend

[@notaclue822]

Yes me too except I'm pretty sure the CN's would go there.

[@sheldonpoisson]

I've only gotten to 6 minutes and it felt like you were speaking directly to me. I'm married to someone I never knew.

[@sjwillis1137]

Yes. Sadness and despair . Rug pulled from under ..?? Totally ..I go to nature and long walks . But now I am abusing him !! I am now playing mind games with him . I am being really stroppy and difficult . I am wilfully talking about ME alot , amid delighting in how that makes him wincingly uncomfortable . I am messing with my narc . The more I learn about covert narcs , the more I want to play them ..Whilst still retainging my sense of self and the fabric in the relationship. Will we part ?? Yes , perhaps . But I am really not in a safe position to do that right now . I love him but the scales have fallen from my eyes . Time for me to take the piss out of him , and he doesn't even know why ? 😘 . . .

[@sparkygump]

You are singing the song of my life.

[@sparklyfiend81]

The "what is the truth" part is so true. I've been dealing with that for awhile. You so badly want and need to know who they really are because they are 2 different people.

[@user-ey4rc5tu4t]

you are 100% responsible for everything that happens in your life (or similar)! I hate,hate,hate that victim 100% blame. As it turns out, the more prosperous one is, the more likely they are to believe that. It is horrible lies. newer versions: if you love/loved yourself. IOW it is your fault if your life isn't' perfect.

[@amandathompson4993]

Spot on. Totally could relate to this video 👌🤔😕

[@JillyBeann77]

I’m def in the confused stage. It’s mind boggling and just feels like such strong deception. The first time I left was because I became woke to the awareness that I was being emotionally abused..and in hope I took him back to want to change. He told me after I first left that I too was an abuser and have so many issues and things I did wrong out of my own pain, lashing out at him etc So after many years together- I’ve pulled away and have guarded my heart/ since I’ve invested all of myself with nothing in return...I’m empty and exhausted. When I try to express my pain, he retaliates with he’s also in pain because we are both guarded. 😞 I keep on having to tell myself the difference is that I’m willing to take responsibility and to be self aware..and to better myself in all that I was created to be. He’s never been able to look within himself without playing the victim and sincerely acknowledge my feelings and apologize...

[@kakestuff4267]

I get the same Jillian, I used to look at my behavior and try to figure out where I was wrong, now I don't listen to his words

[@L5biszz]

Because of you. I have never felt better being single. So glad my ex is dead.

[@mreloo]

this is a demon controlling them...its so clever and creepy behavior...im so interested how this spirit enters them...what happens to them...i have to assume that the high school years r their training ground...i met my covert narsicist wife when she just turned 21 together 40 years ..awake 9 months... so on a hunch i found her high school yearbooks never looked at them in all the years with her...they were signed from stem to stern..with fans & admirers some were bemoaning there relationship with her "we we're such good friends, where did u go?...i miss u"...sounds like she love bomb lots of people...i could just feel the confussion in some of the kids signing...it was creepy...she had one good friend who disowned her at end of 12 th grade...go figure...this stuff is crazy...it has rocked me...always new something was muck up..but was clueless, lost in abuse and trama

[@__WhatIsGoingOn__]

I feel like you read my mind ❤️

[@faizashireen5]

Awesome video

[@Enough13]

I was married to a man who was clinically diagnosed with NPD. I left him in 2013 when my daughter was only 3. It was scary, but not nearly as scary as being married to a mentally and physically abusive Malignant Narcissist. In the last 3 months I began talking to and dating someone I have been friends with since high school, but we have not been close in 30+ years due to distance. We were still dating long distance but seeing each other very regularly, but had over a week together last week which brought so much to light. I began seeing cracks 2 weeks ago and now after reflecting on it there were signs much earlier. I am so proud of myself for seeing him for what he is this quickly, but sad that I still attract this type of man. He is a Covert Narcissist and seemed so nice. I called him out on gaslighting me and he snapped. How do I avoid men with NPD? It makes me not want to date. :/

[@geauxthrift1908]

Look for guys who you would never in a million years look for or be attracted to. Talk to them and fall in love with their mind - not your attraction.

[@tetemontana130]

Hello Debbie - I have been watching and listening to your youtube videos regarding the covert narcissist, as well as other therapists, who have videos on the same subject, & they all seem to come to the same conclusion- that there is no changing them & the relationship has to become no contact. Is this always the case & no prognosis for the narcissist to have self-realization & make changes? thank you~

[@leonorabrandscheit]

the anger thing is the worst for me, especially because i didn't felt it for so long and pushed it away in the "relationship". any tips for letting go of it and how to forgive? do you really need to forgive to heal? right now it motivates me to finally care for myself

[@AliBaba-cg2re]

Thanks. . . just thanks.

[@DraganDaubenmier]

Thank you.

[@eyesopentotruth]

I was triggered by a sentence your said at 2:16 . I used to say out loud I just can't do this I don't want to do this anymore and I'd say it over and over when I would hit like a Rock bottom moment.

[@teachersusanute199]

Your book is great btw 😁👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼🥰

[@debbiemirza1744]

Thank you!!! xx

[@leonorabrandscheit]

this video makes me and my doubts feel seen. while being with her there was no way to reflect or get these information, because all my energy and time was gone, was so fixated on serving her. only with distance i woke up.

[@alindezane7894]

spot on

[@7christsaves452]

Spot on!!!!!!😟😟😟

[@HildeInspiredByHildeLarsen]

How do I contact you Debbie, I could not find anything on the website.

[@dhanudhanu18]

Really really thanks i don't know how to thank you u clearly spoke what happens to me and as a boy those people thinking iam coward and that's not boy's nature or trait but i just wanted to be good that's all i know to fight too i just didn't wanted to be other emotion less boys who would cheat girls . That girl who i kept more love did everything that i never imagined i forgave her many many times and as a boy i just wanted to protect her care her and be responsible and i have no clue why being good is wrong for girls and being rapist is good for some girls .

[@ramonavargas1654]

I’m 40 yrs old with a 7 yr old disabled child, 9 yr old and my own 19 yr old.

[@margaretnelson4601]

I would like to learn more about the “flying monkeys” family system, because I divorced the narcissist and things with my adult children. Are worse, Help!

[@LR-yu3mx]

Yes, inside one's head it's like a 3D scribble scabble

[@nickieglazer7065]

I fell in love with someone who doesn’t exist.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I so understand that, and i"m so sorry. You deserve the real thing. xx

[@holographicc6974]

What do you mean how do I support my kids make these creatures have a job and even if they do it’s not like they bring home a paycheck can usually waste it on their addictions

[@gailcrowe727]

I had an unhappy marriage, my husband was a very emotionally cold man and I felt he didn’t value me or our marriage. I stayed because I wouldn’t hurt my children by breaking up the family, they were two sweet children and didn’t deserve to be hurt. I came to realise that he was a narcissist. He’s dead now but I still wish that my marriage had been happy one, especially when I see how other husbands treat their wives nicely.

[@derekwfrazier]

jeeeeeesus

[@mariamkinen8036]

My family is narc. Nick is not family. He is a gold-digger n a liar. I wish back my life.Away from the role of a pawn . The reversal. This is useless n gaslights. Futile .

[@theeemaven]

Thank you.