The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist, Featuring Debbie Mirza

[@Unhappypeoplesaymeanthings]

If covert narcissism was punishable by law. My mother would be in prison for attempted murder. That’s truly what it feels like to me.

[@fakename8856]

Me too. My Mom is such a strange covert narc that she is also “allergic to electricity” (like Chuck McGill) and pretends to “suffer from” this fake condition called EMS so she can always be the victim. Mom also believes Earth is flat, we never went to the moon, the stars are all fake, and gravity is not real. She also believes she is a “sovereign citizen” which means she doesn’t think our laws apply to her. We are estranged. My twin brother is her golden child and he is her protégé.

[@anacardinale5769]

Ditto, and my sister as well. 60+ years of abuse and they deny all the evil they do to me and to others! Truly malignant people!

[@Mo.1988]

@@RavenStealstheNight deep.

[@justinekelly7137]

Yes, they murdered your soul, Angil mind, and your psych

[@Last_Green_Man]

My covert malignant father in law dropped a mimosa tree on my head. Then proceeded to laugh about it if he were just the cutest thing in the world.

[@JoJo-ju7xw]

"Learn to trust your body. With the covert narcissist its not always obvious but our bodies feel it." . . . . so freakin trueeeeee

[@dylannaenzo9737]

They make me physically ill.... just being around them. They are sick humans.

[@TireSlayer55]

I was in a long relationship with a covert narcissist and over the last few years where her behavior and treatment of me got progressively worse I developed terrible anxiety that would manifest as uncontrollable sweating or an upset stomach. When I finally ended the relationship those symptoms went away basically overnight and it felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. It would be hard for me to believe this kind of thing is even possible if I hadn't lived through it.

[@malwads1836]

Exactly.You'll always end up getting that uncomfortable "gut feeling" from not being at ease.

[@alicethomas6645]

That's Soooo very true, I went through it this morning !!!

[@HeavenlyLights]

BEST advice EVER

[@iu.5146]

My narcissistic father was so abusive that I was suicidal at age 14. One day we washed and dried dishes. He was verbally abusive. I turned towards him, drying a big Santoku knife, looked him straight in the eye and said “If you ever hit me again, I will hit back”. Must have scared the heck out of him. I moved out at age 19. Growing up in a communist country, you couldn’t rent apartments. You had to apply to the government at age 18, to receive one, which took years. The day I turned 18, I registered, studied the housing law and found a loop hole by which they had to provide me an apartment instantly. You had to present them with 50 abandoned apartments and commit to renovating them at your own cost. I provided 100 and finally got one after a year. My borderline mother was “worried” that I wouldn’t make it on my own. She wasn’t worried. She was angry to lose her housemaid, free babysitter and punching bag as I often had to defend her against my dad. I’ve been no contact with them for many years, even live abroad. My mother still sabotages my life, in cahoots with my narcissistic ex husband. They get zero response from me. I’m healed enough to understand their actions. I no longer need their love, approval or understanding. Life is so much happier and healthier without them.

[@mmorgan7918]

GREAT JOB doing all that for yourself at such a young age and maintaining your strong boundaries!!

[@g.s.632]

You are one warrior for sure. My respects to you❤

[@Empathysuperpower]

You are brave & I am so happy you are living a healthier life. It is not an easy journey especially at such a young age. I’m proud of you, no one deserves abuse in any form. We all make mistakes and aren’t perfect, but we don’t make abusing someone a goal in life. God Bless you!

[@majestic.feminine]

Good for you! They loose their heads and are not courageous when you assert. It's a joke. I had police escort me out of my parents house the last day I lived in it. They never apologized for that or trying to kick out my partner when we stayed after our wedding. What a mistake that turned out to be! Me thinking things would get better. Nope. Back then we didn't really have an understanding as we do today about all this behavioural garbage. It's not the way to live in this beautiful world. It's a meaningless lifestyle they choose and impress on their surroundings. To this day, remnants of my 'family' still behave poorly and can't communicate without resorting to gossip, badmouthing and gas-lighting everything I do. Can't rely on them for medical emergencies.

[@DaisyChain44-d3x]

I am so very sorry ...I feel your pain. My mother was cold & unavailable and I actually tried to take my life age 12. Still hard to talk about, think about. Hugs to you.

[@mariafarley7602]

“I’m a very selfish person but I’m not going to let you know it.” Sums it up perfectly.

[@well_weathered]

I see exactly what she is now.

[@kellymaddenartstudio]

Not just selfishness. There are many aspects of an N.

[@CrazyEightyEights]

Covert narcissists do have boundaries (and woe betide anyone who violates theirs), yet expect their narcissistic supply-sources not to possess any. Covert narcs tell you others' secrets, never their own. Why did the narcissist cross the road? They thought it was a boundary. Much love and respect to Team Healthy.

[@rg-mi5hh]

The joke is hilarious! So true.

[@CrazyEightyEights]

@rg-mi5hh Someone else posted this comment on another narcissistic abuse recovery channel. I laughed for days and decided to share. Every viable healing method, CBT, therapy, music, and laughter that helps us recover ought to be indulged.

[@davidrobert2007]

OK then, it's joke time... Q: What's the difference between a narcissist and a battery? A: A battery has a positive side.

[@realitywinner7582]

@@davidrobert2007 😃!!

[@mikemcternan8249]

Yes indeed they have boundaries but don’t respect yours

[@carolynrichards9124]

Maybe one way to recognize a covert narcissist is to pay attention to how often they disappoint or let you down in different situations.

[@derekmarks8969]

Good advice

[@patiencebowers8380]

How many times did they p*ss on your parade? Suck the happy out of your moment? If I have an event or something I'm looking forward to, he will try all sorts of ways for me to feel horrible doing something for me while pretending he supports me. Just because it makes ME happy never counts or makes him feel...anything.

[@JulieEarl-f5x]

I have so many examples of this!

[@anabellaparis1]

All the time

[@meagancobb1417]

So much this!

[@molleelovejoy]

I read Debra’s book last year while going through a divorce (after 25 years of marriage). I cried through the entire book because I was shocked that what I went through, someone else went through! Your words gave me strength, encouragement, and peace…I was finally seen and known by someone. I’m sorry that anyone experiences this, but I’m so grateful you wrote this book! Being married to an abusive “Christian Nice Guy” is the most difficult thing to explain to others. Thank you, for sharing and saving others.

[@acolley2891]

Religious narcs are the worst. I know too well. God bless

[@RlRdHd]

Relating, but the thing I have learned is that they are not fooling as many people as they think. Real Christians always caught on, something wasn't right...

[@trumpeterswan4177]

I can so relate, you're not alone.❤

[@thriftiegirltreasures]

Oh this was marriage too. My ex husband was so nice and to me too but his manipulative behavior came to a head when he turned 60. I was no longer the woman he wanted and went after a woman 10 years younger and a social worker. Both of them knew better but had the affair anyway.

[@ellaredman7321]

❤

[@Freeportgirl]

This really captures what I went through. While walking to my 70th birthday dinner I asked him to slow down because I was wearing my favorite heeled boots. Without turning around, he said, "Well you should have worn flats" and kept on going. This is just one example of the hundreds of sarcastic comments that I allowed. I am trying to get over the shame I feel for allowing myself to tolerate this person. I know now that I was in the discard phase and I finally left 10 months ago when he started swearing at me. I am slowly trying to get myself back. I have learned so much from this discussion and your channel, Dr. Carter.

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

So good that you have escaped, but unpleasant as they are, those horrible memories will help you rejoice in the fact that you have got away from the narc.

[@bekind7288]

@freeportgirl No shame, if you understood what you were dealing with...really understood, you would have made different choices. We can absolutely feel free to give ourselves all the grace and time we need to learn, heal, learn more and heal yet another layer. I don't believe it's all about them, I allowed the atrocious behavior for a reason. Understanding and healing THAT is the key ❤

[@trying2survive602]

​@bekind7288 You are absolutely right, as hard as it is to hear that you had something to do with it. That is how you heal and never look back. It wasn't only his behaviour that I tolerated. I was attracting narcs on so many levels of my life. It was me that needed to heal and come to terms with why I was attracting this negativity into my life. What a wake-up call that was!! ❤ As they say in Costa Rica, "Pura vida" ( Pure life)!!

[@teresacotton7923]

So glad you left!

[@tammykleinmann2869]

@@trying2survive602 999

[@LindaEll]

I Have been the recipient of the weeks-long silent treatment. If course, it never happened until after we were married. He kept all of the red flags under wraps until we were married. Then there's the passive aggressive holiday thing, like refusing to acknowledge Mother's Day, "you're not my mother." It's depressing to realize I squandered my entire adult life in someone who the world thinks is a great guy, but has left me living in pain.

[@bookbeing]

You're not alone. I know one woman who never even dares ask for him to consider her on mother's Day! She can count all the Christmases, birthdays and anniversaries where he actually showed up for her on one hand. He's perfectly happy to withhold communication and refuse reciprocity, while he's acknowledged on all of his important days.

[@iw9338]

So sorry to hear that. I'm at 32 years and I'm making plans to leave.

[@kathiejl1]

I was always waiting for the next episode of silence. He would say he was just thinking. The last ST lasted 5 wks during which his mother passed away and the funeral was held. Then he sat down and said “We need to find a way to end This” By then 10 yrs into marriage and 2 yrs prior - I just said “if that’s what you want” I was over it and tired of being emotionally drained. That was almost a year ago and divorce still not final. But I get monthly check and still on medical benefits.

[@margaretboehm4485]

Lovebombing.. then all the things start to be said (never physical) 😢.. they all say exactly the same phrases, after 35 years I'd have to believe it's more than a disorder, it's demonic

[@Calendar_Girl]

You’re comment hit home - really hard. I’ve heard the same comment to him about Mother’s Day. Also, like you, Im ashamed I’ve wasted my life with this man who doesn’t appear to give a hill of beans about me 90% of the time. He has used me to meet his ends.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

I agree, having been raised by narcissists and lived in a culture of narcissism all my life I have seen all of these things. The emotional abuse is far worse than physical battery because everyone can see the physical results of this, but when its emotional most people do not believe you. They assume we are overreacting or misreading things because of our own flawed character.

[@nj3195]

Don’t turn off your intuition. If you feel wronged then you are entitled to make the wrong stop. ❤

[@bereal6590]

Very true

[@malwads1836]

Also frankly there're a lot of toxic types of people out there that will happily try to gaslight you if you tell them what happened to you.Just walk away from people that don't even care enough to try to learn about what you've been through &/or people that are themselves determined to live in complete denial at least until they themselves get victimized so badly by 1 of these monsters that they CAN'T look away anymore🙄. There's a few healthy caring folks that WILL make the effort to understand what you've gone through🙂...But anyway you don't owe ANYONE your personal life details, it's completely up to you if you wish to tell others👍🏻.

[@Cod12Osc]

I can relate to the silent treatment....boy can I relate to the silent treatment

[@m.maclellan7147]

I got the silent treatment that turned into an explosion. Worst of both worlds !

[@Cod12Osc]

@@m.maclellan7147 Sorry to hear. Mine was mostly silent treatment, passive aggressive and pulled his family into the crazy making. Thanks for the dialogue.

[@annmcgetrick243]

Amen!

[@frigidmonk]

Mine was so locked down emotionally I felt like I was in the presence of a soul vampire. I needed the give and take of healthy emotional connection but, it was all me sharing and looking for intimacy to literally get nothing back in return. As long as we were going out, she’s having fun, and I don’t show any chink in my armor all was just peachy. If I emoted about lack of connection, seeming trust, depression brought in by lack of empathy I’d get silence. Here common excuse when things were stressed was “I get quiet.” Shed just shut down. Not a lick of empathy to be had. So heartbreaking when I was so in love (trauma bonded) with her and wanted the happily ever after I tried way too hard to get my needs met. My sorry would come to a head and just when the most important conversation could have happened, she'd wait until I was at work, pack her stuff, and I would come home to an empty house. I got completely ghosted…completely abandoned!😢 I chased and got her back 13x's! First woman after spouse of 25 years and at first life with her was amazing (love bombed). The longer this went on the sicker (disregulated) inside I became and the more desperate, loud, and finally unfortunately it got physical, grabby, pulling, pushing, breaking stuff, thank God no hitting. The silent treatment is HELL! She ended it again on Dec 23. I blocked her completely. No coming back this time. You know, if you keep doing the same things over you get the same results. Im working on me now. I was too insecure to leave when my needs weren't being met all those years ago. Could it gave worked if Id been more securely attached? Maybe, but I wasn't the only person she had ghosted so, definitely a RED flag! God bless and help you all heal. Thanks for letting me rant.🙏

[@Hydrocarbonateable]

Same! Mine gave me the silent treatment for OVER A YEAR in private (but pretended it wasn't happening in public with mutuals) and the SECOND I asked what was wrong, i the first thing out of her mouth was really mean blaming. And when I calmly said that was a shame and said I felt similar so hurray we found common ground let's talk, then it was shouting and explosions. It's the last thing we ever said to each other. Wild bc she was the one who taught me not to put up with that.

[@rg-mi5hh]

You do get a weird energy vibe from them. They can say and do everything right, but something isn't right and you can feel it.

[@GabrielleP310]

Amen‼️A recent person I dated had an immediate off vibe, equivalent to feeling turned off by them but also liking them at the same time. Lots of boundary testing early on which also produces off-vibes.

[@audreygregis8721]

Exactly. Looking back, I had sooo many moments my gut was telling me something wasn't right. If I had heard, or even knew in the slightest, there was such a word as narcissism, I'd have ran the other way at the first sign, which would have been our 1st date. I was robbed of 30yrs of my life...13 of which was a never-ending divorce, until he drank our company in the ground, himself 4yrs later. He wanted to make sure I got nothing, all the while destroying my relationship with our 3 children. But, I was seeing the same traits in my oldest and youngest. Might be horrible to say, but I pray none of them have children. It's time for this lineage to be buried.

[@chelceasurgenor598]

Yep!!!!!

[@clairedavis8564]

💯💯💯💯and they think that they can hide it. It’s incumbent upon us to pay attention to our intuition. We always ignore/suppress it.

[@Danial.999]

So true. One feels it after having a conversation with them. So much emotionally draining at times.

[@zorabujaroska3645]

I left my narcissistic husband 3 months ago, after being tortured by him for 42 years. He started giving me the silent treatment when we got engaged - for weeks, months, and even for more than half a year. I didn't know that the silent treatment had a name then. He tortured me emotionally, physically, financially .....in every way he could. He gave my children the silent treatment, too but I used to take their attention away from him so they didn't notice anything when they were young. I protected them. He also belittled me, insulted, imitated, gaslighted, laughed at me, hit me..... He spent my salery, as well as his. I usually didn't have more than $5 or none at all. He usually arrived home after he had eaten somewhere and I almost never had enough food for me and my two children. I'm 64, a retired teacher, in a small rented apartment and I'm much much better now. I'm trying to heal myself completely, if that's possible. My adult children support me because they have seen some things that couldn't be hidden by me. They are my everything

[@Shanchelle]

You are very strong. I’m praying for continued healing, peace and joy for you. Thank you for sharing your story, hopefully it will help many others. 🤍🙏🏻

[@fateofkate691]

OMG, your story is totally my deceased sister’s story after 28 years of living in a unhappy and toxic marriage. except her snake ex-narcissist husband is still living and never worked. He is now manipulating and living off the younger women that he cheated on my sister with. I’m so very sorry that you’ve had to endure this evilness but God will see you through as my sister met another man, and got married again before she passed away in 2017.

[@zorabujaroska3645]

@@fateofkate691 I'm so sorry that your sister lived for so long with a narcissist. You were her support, bravo to you! I'm sorry she passed away after finding a good man. But know that she felt loved by you and her husband - and that is very important. I left my narcissistic husband, and he never loved me and that is a terrible feeling. I'll stay single and I don't know how long I'll live, but at least I'm not with an abusive husband any more. Be thankful that she knew that she was loved very much by you and her husband!

[@EightBallAnswers1]

Thank goodness you’re out. ❤🙏🙏🙏

[@yellowdayz1800]

So many think they have been emotionally abused by a covert narc.... I can tell by the comments often of it is questionable... When I see the commenter use the word "torture.." I know that they are talking about a true covert malignant narcissist..

[@jolesliewhitten6545]

The much older Covert Narcissist married me for 20 years. Many women were jealous of me. He never consummated the marriage and just used me as a slave. He abused me verbally daily. I ran away three times but told him where I was two times. Finally I went to a lawyer who helped me get away safely. Best thing I ever did for my young life.

[@margaretboehm4485]

Is he gay... It's a real possibility that he was using you as a cover

[@margaretboehm4485]

Well done for getting away

[@realhealing7802]

If you abandon a narcissist, they will try to punish you for life. The abuse got so bad that I had to go no contact. Narcissists can't be reasonable. It's their way or no way at all. That's not a relationship. They want total submission. I had to leave to be free.

[@GenXMusicMan]

Coverts can be extremely dangerous too though even when you go no contact. They’ll send their flying monkeys to try and get information from you and/or contact your employers if they know where you work to get you fired. We really have no clue what they’re up to. I was cheated on and something in my gut told me not to confront her about it and just make a quiet exit. So I did just that. God only knows what she’s up to now lol

[@greenteasip]

When you leave*. It's the vulnerable narcs calling it abandonment. I will never forget when I broke up with mine, left him and our life entirely after six years of the worst psychological abuse and he kept messaging me that I 'abandoned' him. They like to use 'abandonment' to guilt us into staying longer.

[@Grandma7T7]

Every birthday, mother's day, special occasion, every new years, joy over a new house always gets destroyed sooner or later.

[@ivizz100]

When my therapist said for the first time she thinks I'm dealing with a narcissist, it was so hard to believe. He was such a nice person, or not? Sometimes he was not, but there would be always a good explanation why. It still terrifies me that I can relate to every single thing mentioned in this video, the painful silent treatment, the tears on birthdays, the attention shifts when I was dealing with some issues in life - he always became depressed so I ended up caring for him. I'm so glad I'm out. Thank you so much for videos like this, it is so hard to explain covert narcissist abuse and here I feel understood.

[@sarahpeaster7457]

Your post is precisely my story! Its so hard to put into words the horror of it all... because it's not 💯

[@Dove-gx5gz]

I started searching online for narcissism & reading books on daughters of narcs 20 years ago, but I only found info on overts so I didn't believe she could be a narcissist, even when a therapist suspected it. Not until 3 years ago did I find info on coverts...ding ding ding- my mother checked every box. The research just wasn't there 20 years ago. Thank goodness we have education on it today. So grateful. Knowledge saved my life.

[@ivizz100]

@@Dove-gx5gz It was very similar for me! I started searching due to my therapist suggestions, but the overt description was not very fitting, some bits yes but not enough for me to be convinced. One day my friend sent me a video on covert narcissism and then things started making sense. I'm glad you found your answers and it saved you. It must be very hard when the narcissistic person in your life is your own mother.

[@Dove-gx5gz]

@ivizz100 Thank you so much for your kindness & empathy ❤️ I am grateful you kept seeking answers & found knowledge, help and healing, too! 🕊

[@preparedsurvivalist2245]

For those of us who had a parent that was a covert narc, it looks something like this. Age 0-10 you unconditionally love them, though you suffered without understanding why. Age 10-20 you realize something is very wrong, and you act out, but you don't really know how to appropriately deal with all of it. Age 20-30 you realize that distancing yourself is key and you do a lot of reflection and introspection. Age 30-40 you now have insight and boundaries and still hope for eventual reconciliation. Age 40-50 you realize the narc's condition is not redeemable and they will never change. Age 50 and beyond, I'm not there yet...but I hope it's a narcissist free life with full healing and empathy for others.

[@Plans4YouJer2911]

Yes You got it Can see my life like you laid out to a T Just got to have strong boundaries and very high fences I severely limit my exposure to my mother My father slightly that way too I am soo sad and ashamed about how I acted and treated my first wife and children not realizing how much damage I was doing to them Have been slowly rebuilding and repairing relationships with my 2 grown sons And praying to God to show me how to continue to mature in and through Him Blessings to You on Your Journey

[@johgndavis8159]

Very well put

[@karreevaughan4674]

This was so relatable

[@heathers8826]

Pretty much to a T. I decided I had had enough by my mid-40s when boundaries I had set up were not being respected no matter how many times I said, "Please stop doing xyz". After four years of no contact, my kids urged me to try and reestablish a relationship. I did reach out to her (mom) only to find I was no longer needed or wanted because she had my brother.

[@preparedsurvivalist2245]

How much more obvious do the narcs have to make it that your boundaries mean NOTHING to them?!?@@heathers8826

[@melanieknowles7002]

My cat knows more about deep sea diving than the passive aggressive covert narc knew about being human. Still have my cat. No regrets. One life. Live it. Much love and peace to team healthy.

[@iAAmbrose]

The covert passive aggressive narc is, in my opinion, the most dangerous narc outside of the malignant narc. You have to be very shrewd to see and understand what they are doing. The good part is they will discard you when you SEE and do not feed into their tactics.

[@julieholdcroftbetty8520]

But the Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist can also be malignant

[@lillianbarker4292]

I dated an older divorced man who was very charming. Everyone loved him. Well, I soon realized why his first wife left him. He was controlling and manipulative in a very sweet way as if he were protecting me. When I finally got out of the relationship, our mutual friends blamed me and completely overlooked the 15 year age gap and the fact that I wanted children and he didn’t. He made himself the victim. And he was a covert narcissist.

[@marylouleeman591]

He made himself the victim. Ain''t that just about it?! snake.

[@ImogenBunting]

This is my relationship with my mum 100%. A very clever, manipulative, covert narcissist. And you wouldn’t believe how she could be so two faced - I didn’t see it, didn’t want to. But I felt it, and the many losses it delivered… it took me a long time to see. Passive aggressive silent treatment. Yes. That’s hard. It’s so immature. It’s very abusive. Thanks for spelling this out so well.

[@francesbernard2445]

You are victorious. What I do not understand is why some people when growing up in that unhealthy climate choose to pattern their behavior the same way isntead of remaining determined to live a healthier lifestyle for themselves when they become adults. The good news is that most human beings who grow up in an unhealthy climate in the home choose growing in a much healthier direction sometimes after only one person in their lifetime like a school teacher in one grade has behaved better that that towards them.

[@rwdchannel2901]

The silent treatment is an opportunity for you to go no contact. Before you understood narcissism it was painful because you were in a codependent relationship with the narcissist. After you stop needing any validation from a narcissist it gets easier to cut the narcissist out of your life. When my dad started to ghost me I went from limited contact to full no contact.

[@Dove-gx5gz]

Me too. You described it exactly. I'm so sorry you went through the same thing I did ❤️

[@avaphoenix317]

Blah blah. Your generation are constantly screeching about all of the narcs. Please. Look in the mirror.

[@carolnahigian9518]

I had a SIL who would take me ( 'helping me") and ALWAYS say the 1 worst thing to sabotage ne.. it gave her Satisfaction ( malice)!

[@Lamenade]

There comes a time when they turn overt - Nasty ! They are mega aggressive . You can end up shaking, even though nothing in their spoken words is wrong. It's the tone they use.

[@usedscar]

Yes, that shaking. Yikes.

[@francesbernard2445]

Thank you for pointing that out! Explains what sometimes happens to me too. Every time that sort of thing happens to me until now I had been blaming myself while wondering what I must have done wrong. Then from there I often expend way too much energy and mental space and time trying to change myself to avoid the same thing from ever happening again in the fuiture. Like the other day a few months ago when a complete stranger to me who was walking on another nearby sidewalk near the rapid transit train platform which we were both walking away from whom I hadn't noticed until then started yelling at me to get my attention while she was holding up her cell phone in the air. She said, "If you do not stop stalking me I am going to bring this video of it to mainstream media." Instead of me shrugging it off right away I started thinking to myself, am I not dressing and acting feminine looking enough in public? Did I not keep enough space between me and all other strangers while taking public transit on the way there? Or was I only not planning my week well enough to avoid indecision and unstable people too more often as result when I was undecided that day about going grocery shopping or home in the other direction from that platform? Instead of shrugging it off I thought that it was my responsiblity to remember each and every moment of my day in complete detail to learn what I had done wrong to deserve such shoddy treatment coming from her. Now thanks to your truth telling I am finally done with that.

[@Lailat854]

Yes! I reacted when she said covert don’t yell, or call u names. Oh boy, the rage he showed was crazy

[@maryj7950]

YUP!

[@sparkygump]

I read her book soon after a very sad ending to a narcissistic marriage. It really opened up my eyes to this type of person. I'm not exaggerating to say she saved me. Thanks so much, Ms. Mirza.

[@kathiejl1]

Me, too! The book was eye opening! ❤

[@1ajtg]

Me too ❤️

[@maggiesalle2256]

Yea!! Yippee! Glad you were helped! The narcs want the opposite.

[@cor-cd8dt]

The tricky thing is that it is hard to distinguish between: 1) a Debbie-Downer (a habitual, anxious negator who has a normal emotional capacity to love others), 2) someone who has trod that road before and just wants to warn you, and 3) the covert narc who is undermining you because your diminishment brings them supply. The covert narc plays at being the other two types and it can be years before you figure out that they have no regard for you and they are strategically working to convince you that you are weak and incompetent.

[@sherrypeveto1868]

“Your diminishment brings them supply” ….that’s it!!! It’s taken me years to understand the constant silent treatment and contempt. I hit the wall after 15 years and chose to get out. Glad to be married to a mature adult now. Stay strong friends. There is peace on the other side.

[@KooblyK]

Oh wow, that's such a clarifying way to put it! And also very reassuring, as I myself have fallen into the first two categories at one time or another, and that along with some other narcissistic tendencies/habits has really fed into anxiety that maybe I'm a narcissist like my parents after all, and am just hiding it from myself. But as far as I'm aware, even when I was lashing out or re-enacting a parent's criticism with others (thought I was helping lol), when it upset them, that just made me feel worse. Might have even been a twisted form of self-harm. So yeah, thank you for laying it out like this. It was a rough day, and now I feel a little better ❤

[@mangrum4549]

“You were recast” “You are of no use to a narcissist when you are getting stronger” Wow! This is eye opening! Thank you!

[@DonnaMayStanish]

My former husband told me, I can't STAND who you have become! Wow. It seems he is threatened by my becoming older, wiser and more courageous? 🤔

[@surlif]

It is almost shocking to learn that you came from a family of mean men, Dr. Carter. This helps many of us to have hope as we trudge forward trying overcome our own families' dysfunction.

[@Dove-gx5gz]

Dr. C is "Captain Cycle Breaker" with his sidekick "Gus The Amazingly Chill Terrier" 😎

[@MsMojozilla]

This literally just happened to me 2 days ago. It was my 47th birthday, the narcissist still clinging to me REFUSED to wish me a happy birthday. He literally ruined my bday, I ended up crying most of the day and night. Thank you for helping me feel seen ❤

[@mollycote1021]

Happy Birthday!🎊 🎊 🎉

[@aaronkwolfe]

There has been an overwhelming run of birthdays here lately. You are in good company of well-wishers. If you are around TH next year, I’ll try to wish you one on time.

[@everett552]

🎉 Happy birthday

[@exlesoes]

My birthday was ruined too I'm sorry this happened I hope you have an amazing rest of your year and Happy birthday anyway! Darn that person 😡

[@danielkaiser8971]

I understand. Back when I turned 30 (the year 2000) I found it bittersweet that the only people in my life who even bothered to remember my birthday were my coworkers who lovingly embarrassed me by making me wear a silly poofy hat (and I love the photo of myself wearing it to this day with joyful glee, makes me smile just to think about it) and my friends outside of work who each sent me a card in the mail. I had such a wonderful day at work that I even remember someone bought cupcakes for me with dark blue and black icing, with a "joke" saying I was "over the hill" at age 40, except I was only 30. But the real reason they did it was because on the previous Halloween I had kept showing people my tongue to everyone, it was stained with dark icing, and they got me cupcakes so I could stain my tongue again. I also have a photo of myself with a stained tongue, sticking it out just as deliberately as you please. People actually cared for me, but not my own family. I can still say that in my case, the good outweighed the bad. I know these are my memories, but perhaps my sharing them with you brought a smile to your face. Happy Birthday, you are still younger than me!

[@lynnebuglar9830]

When you try to introduce boundaries, that’s when the violence starts.

[@forensicfaithinprofiling]

Oh wow!!! Debbie's book was the 1st book I bought 5 years ago to understand what had happened to me. She's a lovely loving woman and so are you Dr C. You've both been a huge part of my recovery from Scapegoat to becoming a Black Stallion!!! Thank you both for this interview. Hugs to all survivors!!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much. Debbie is a delightful person!

[@forensicfaithinprofiling]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes she is Dr Carter, and so are you! You're a delightful person w a caring heart. Grateful for both of you beautiful people.

[@usedscar]

No use to a narcissist unless you are weak. Wow. I spent my childhood placating my mom and my own motherhood, placating my son. I wish I had broken that pattern, but didn't recognize it til now.

[@mysonsmom9754]

This is my story too. 😢

[@usedscar]

@mysonsmom9754 my son is my only child , so I gotta know that I contributed to him being this way as I raised him by myself. Lots if pain and guilt await.

[@Empathysuperpower]

My personal family are empathy…my dad remarried to a narc, my brothers wife is a narc and my husbands ex wife is a full blown narc and two out of four stepchildren are just like their bio mom….I’m tired of these sick people.

[@bonnieharper3620]

Thank you both. The fact that the family unit has been ,in my opinion systematically destroyed by our people under manipulation in all aspects of our government has a part to play in the rise of this mental and emotional disease. It's so sad and I hope these trends disappear with acknowledgment and exposure..Thank you for all you do.

[@rachmcd160]

People fight in many different ways for the right to abuse you in many different ways! A Boundary is your shield, but your abuser will see it as a sword!

[@kimhumiston2686]

Head games. They are always thinking about their next move.

[@codyb8776]

Going through a divorce right now with one. It's so emotionally draining. Been with her for over a decade and did not realize she was a covert narcassist at all until we had a son. Always knew she was controlling & jealous but I just had no idea this personality type existed. The problem is once you recognize them they turn hard and fast and will suck the life out of you, even if you try to ignore them.... Also, she is spot on - once you get stronger you are of no use to them. Once you set boundaries good luck.

[@surlif]

Thank you, Debbie and as always Dr. Carter. Paying attention to the body is so important as Debbie stated!! For years, as the fall and winter holidays neared, I would feel great apprehensive and depression knowing that I would be facing family gatherings at my in-laws where everything seemed ideal, but actually was filled with the most expert covert, passive aggressive narcissists there can be. I would become filled with negative emotions when I went there and would get sick and go find bedroom where I could lie down. I felt worse and worse about myself as the years went by. My husband was a highly trained military officer with advanced studies in military science, so I got double whammy from his tactics from that and the ones he learned growing up. The pain caused by these phony self serving people is debilitating. Recovery after years of this abuse can be slow but the progress is real and the pain lessens.

[@RS-ov2st]

With my husband, his goodness and kindness acts were always to garner attention back to him to make him and his image look good or better.

[@Goldensunrise-8]

You had me at “your body knows the truth”

[@dianal5087]

My ex-boyfriend was one, but I was "trained" by my family, so it's important to talk about this in light of early environment as you did. Thank you both.

[@jaklumen]

I was a moderator for the late Angie Atkinson on her channel, and also Dana Morningstar on her channel, Thrive After Abuse. So was my wife. What we found puzzling was many courageous survivors would talk readily about their romantic narcs.. but hadn't made the connections back to the narcs in their family of origin. So I'm happy and glad you recognized yours. Granted, we did have people that understood the reality of a narc parent, or saw the dysfunction repeated by a child. So there was some victories to celebrate. I hope I'll read more about your successes in the future. Best wishes to healing and a joyful life moving forward.

[@EightBallAnswers1]

@@jaklumenangie saved my life in the early days of my discard! I listened to her every day for hours just for some comfort. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I feel so much for kids that are raised this way. I am so blessed my family is relatively normal and healthy mentally and physically. There are so many unhealthy people out there.

[@shannsss4923]

My ex covert narcissist on my birthday during the first covid lockdown said to me ‘I don’t know why people like you so much’ after friends drove by and dropped little gifts off on the front step.

[@Anne-pk8gs]

Yes! It irks them to no end that no one likes them…but everyone likes you! They have no friends & have run off many over the years. You, being a genuinely nice, caring & empathetic person, have loads of friends who love you & whom you’ve cultivated over a lifetime. Good for you. Can you imagine saying such a horrible thing to the person you “love”? Never!

[@delsc7287]

Court is Nov 13th to finalize divorce. 22 years of living this. Hits to my core.

[@jasmineflower9879]

I like saying to narcissists : " Thank you for your Opinion ". It arrests them, because they think their words are LAW, when in fact, its just their opinion ! 😅🤣😂😆

[@yellowdayz1800]

You don't know what they are talking about... Ugh.. Stop confusing normal people with "narcissist" ugh

[@justmeandmyrucksack]

someone giving their opinion, as an adult, whether asked or not, does not make one a narcissist.

[@northerngaltrue]

You are SO spot on. The covert narcissist is smart enough to compliment you in public at the very same time as he is dog whistling. It’s maddening. Because people around you think “what a great guy this is. Listen to all the nice things he says to you and look at all the nice things he does for you“ All the while subtly and cleverly undermining you. Every birthday ruined. Every gathering there’s something done to “innocently” pull focus. Even intelligent people around you who should know better often can’t see it. And day by day, the life is being sucked out of you.

[@suziex4190]

LOVE your collaborations with Dr. Ramani, Rebecca Chung, and now Debbie Mirza... all Key Players in my journey to Team Healthy. So grateful for access to your wisdom, experience, and encouragement. Thank you so much Dr. Carter!

[@g.s.632]

Dr Ramani is a psychopath. Look at her eyes

[@jaklumen]

It's a beautiful thing, indeed

[@northerngaltrue]

“You weren’t replaced. You were just recast”. Exactly!! I dated a guy for a few months who carefully vetted me for weeks before asking me out. I was so flattered. I thought he’d seen the real me. I was being evaluated for my ability to supply his needs. As soon as I became a real woman with opinions, I failed the test. Thank goodness!

[@thenewyorkcitizen]

She nailed it when she said that narcissists destroy birthdays and holidays. They do not change! Get away. Value your self and celebrate the good people in your life. ❤

[@kimmclaughlin-m9j]

This is my story! Married for 30 years and just discovered the person I thought loved me for so many years, is not the person I thought I married. It's so painful and shocking, but Debbie's book has helped educate me so I can start moving forward knowing the real truth. Eyes Wide Open-Thank you to you both for sharing this incredibly important information to all of us who are in these types of relationships. Such a powerful video! Coverts are so cunning and deceptive, it is so easy to miss. I missed it for 30 years! I refuse to not be a survivor. I'm looking forward to an incredible journey toward my future surrounded by people who can give and receive compassion, empathy and love. When you make a change, there is hope!

[@ladyvirgo013]

Thanks for Sharing, I'm currently going through a nightmare divorce from a Covert, of course he lies continually. God Strengthen me🙏

[@ryuhayabusa5222]

Debbie just oozes kindness so likeable.genuine God bless her kind heart

[@danielkaiser8971]

I thoroughly enjoyed this interview. I noticed that Debbie Mirza often said things that I think about all the time. She said that "our bodies always feel it" and she is exactly correct. I hope she comes back for further discussions.Thanks to you both.

[@iw9338]

I read Bessel van derkolk book, the body keeps the score, very helpful.👍💜

[@danielkaiser8971]

@@iw9338 Thank you so much! I'll look for it! 😃👍

[@droycraft]

53 years married and what I thought was just a little boy in the beginning and a little girl who didn't know how to communicate, as year went by, I began hearing, you need to submit, obey, etc. and you are not a Christian wife, as you fooled me. Then as time and years went on, I had no idea of gaslighting, shaming, blaming, and major withdrawals were his way to deal. I KNOW so much more in the last year, yet couldn't pinpoint until this wonderful, God-appointed video. No more can I remain sleepless with anxiety and crying. Last night he became angry and blamed me for him not keeping his emotions in check. He then came back and said, you won this round, but never again will you make me angry. You must have a demon. Yes, girls, I have heard so much more. This is such true insight. I hope/pray the rest of you don't make excuses. Be blessed.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I hope you realize how toxic that theological position is.

[@MsBellsandy]

Honestly I think everyone has demons, but I can tell you that's certainly not the fruit of the spirit from him, which is love, joy, peace, kindness, gentleness, and self control. God doesn't want us to be doormats.

[@sonjamccart1269]

@12:30 that is interesting. I've started ignoring the "I'm so depressed" moods, which were oddly coincidental with times I was doing something for myself, or going somewhere, etc. They've decreased. I will say, "I'm sorry you are feeling bad" and then just go do my thing. (Church etc.)

[@samme1024]

My ex always went away for my Birthday weekend and Valentine's Day. He would also pick arguments when we were on our way to a social gathering. We'd arrive and he would transform into a happy charming person instantly while I would be standing there staring at him wondering what the heck just happened?!?

[@samme1024]

If it would have been a healthy relationship, he would have stayed back with me to talk things through. Or at least he would have asked to wait until later.

[@texaspatty458]

Passive aggressive .....what a name to give these sneaky creatures .

[@texaspatty458]

@@Unhappypeoplesaymeanthings sneaky creatures !!

[@texaspatty458]

@@myhalowithin ...I agree 💯👍

[@JasonHyde32]

That holiday comment really hit home. My whole life I loved holidays. I couldn't care less about them now.

[@sarahpeaster7457]

Amen!!so very well said. His depressions that suddenly occured during my pregnancies. Mother's day happening and never once being acknowledged as a mother. The birthday lunch together but him being involved on his phone with his buddies. There's so much of the "little things" of life that aren't getting spoken! Keep talking! You both are so spot on. The extreme grief that's felt when your eyes are finally opened. Like it's been said....there is no unseeing! For those going through this now, be prepared to accept the hurtful and harsh reality that you were never truly cherished. My heart cries for each hurting heart that's coming to this realization.

[@amykarpowicz2510]

Discovering this topic (by accident) obviously came with an overwhelming flood of emotions, and as horrifying as it was to be reading right there in black & white, words on a page that we’re describing my then husband perfectly ( including the bizarre stuff that I had been shrugging off because up until then so much of his behavior had been totally unexplainable…. I’d soldier on) I’ll never forget the exact moment I had the very same realization of what you just said; that if what I was so frantically trying to explain to our friends and families (both in my defense to explain his behavior away) was true and how much of his narcissistic personality matched with these seriously pathological people… then he never loved me. That all of the decade plus I thought I was with my soulmate and in love …. It was all one sided. Talk about devastating. Honestly though, that’s what enabled me to flip the switch, and almost instantaneously I felt disgusted. I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t love me and my daughter. We were trophies for his ego. I couldn’t believe the thing that hurt me the most, figuring that out, was the very thing that opened the doors to my cage and set me free. Incredible.

[@elcee7800]

I really liked this format, Dr. Carter. It is as if Debbie is an actual patient in the room with you, and we as third party get to sit in. Debbie is very authentic and low key and she taught me how overwhelmed and frantic I was in those 40 years…thank you Debbie & Dr. Carter.

[@CC..Jeremiah9_24]

BINGO for me! Passive aggressive, Yup, but the passive aggression becomes more like constant aggression as time goes by. 37 years, just started seeing his true self in 2017. Thank you for validating what I thought it was, but has now moved on to much worse. Almost weird experiencing this. Thank you for the information.

[@usedscar]

It is very weird when you realize how much they fit these patterns. When you look back and see what went on, how it was real, it is hard to believe.

[@CC..Jeremiah9_24]

As I listen, memories of abuse come to my mind and I’m saying to myself, oh, now I see it. Wow! It’s all true. 😮

[@Westcoastsoul]

Just left a 43 year marriage with a covert narcissist man...always knew there was something not quite right but didn't know it was this terrible thing...thank you for the life saving knowledge

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Best wishes to you.

[@Westcoastsoul]

I was going to add the intensity of abuse increasing so much more these last ten years...I Had to leave for my own sanity...now dealing with the continuing aftermath...thank you for your best wishes, means alot...I am a warrior

[@freeandfabulous4310]

“We are not in their lives for connection, love and harmony.” Wow. Never looked at it like that and how futile to seek and fight for that from them. They will never, can never give that to the target person.

[@C.C.1812]

The conflict with my partner increased when I started seeing a therapist and became healthier. A healthy person would have celebrated with me, instead of trying to "put me back to my place", which is subordinate to him.

[@halfpintpuppets]

Before I finally knew I needed to leave my 23 year marriage (to my high school boyfriend), I googled questions like "are there nice narcissists?", because he would do charitable things for public consumption, but the digs he would give to me... quietly push my buttons as well as mean and hurtful remarks, silent treatment until I blew-up and terrified my kids, myself... were driving me to passive s.i. It got worse after I left and this has been for 10+ years. I will save that story for another book, but I can very much relate to this video. Im so sorry for others going through it. It's very much an issue you discover in hindsight, unfortunately.

[@truthtriumphant]

It sounds like he may have been a communal narcissist with the public philanthropy.

[@Anne-pk8gs]

I googled, “What makes a 65 year old man act like a toddler?” Google’s reply, “Narcissism!” So after 20 years, it took only 2 seconds to name the hell I was living in… That’s when it all broke loose.

[@CL-lo4wd]

Her book was the first book I read on narcissism! It was the only thing that helped me understand the first man I dated after the end of my marriage. He fooled my therapist and me, OMG. When I read her book, I felt so validated, he was textbook.

[@Ladylothlorian]

I'm so tired of crying because of his lies and anger (no hugs or comfort), then turning around and comforting him because i made him feel bad for hurting me...

[@EightBallAnswers1]

You’re feeding them by crying. It’s not love, it’s an addiction to the abuse… the hot/cold intermittent reinforcement. it’s an addiction… Just ask Las Vegas how well it works!! they give you a little bit and then you keep trying to get more more more more

[@marywhite3970]

After years of it, you feel dismantled by them and undeserving of even the smallest most basic form of love. They are empty and heartless and will starve you of the love they know you need and will enjoy watching you wither and die alone, isolated, alienated and in pain. They are cruel monsters.

[@ChildoftheLIGHT]

Believe the behavior.✔️ Amen to that, Dr Carter.✅

[@roslyncerro1263]

At first, I just thought he was passive-aggressive. Fourteen years ago there wasn't all this information. Thank God it is so available now.❣️

[@rnopes21]

Preach! Wish I would have known all of this 20 years ago.

[@findingfreedom9674]

Debbie’s book was the one that finally convinced me of the truth in my three decade marriage. I will forever be grateful to her for writing this book. Everything I read was overt based and it made me disregard narcissism as the issue. Nothing else fit though. This was the first book that made me feel like she was in my house our entire marriage. I never knew that what I was experiencing there actually was a name for. I had to read parts over and over and finally I accepted my reality. I am now divorced and well on my healing journey. Thank you. ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

She gets it!

[@gnashsang]

My first wife was a covert passive aggressive narcissist. I was constantly gaslighted to the point I was always miserable.

[@paulapalmer4541]

Thank God for this channel. I’m with a narcissist now and it’s pure hell. Your videos help me navigate my feelings and fears about how he treats me. You’ve brought some sanity to my world. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased, Paula.

[@Sudeep-d7s]

Boundaries and indifference towards covert, aggressive and passive Narcissist is the best way to protect yourself. Intelligence is one of their strong strength indeed.

[@LadiesOfThePleiades]

The beautiful thing to look forward to after discovering what you’re dealing with, is the feeling of freedom, knowing you never have to put yourself back in the saddle for another barrel run. These types of people are pure evil. Run baby. Run.

[@roxymovie3938]

The Worthy Of Love" - what a wonderful title for a book 🥰 and surely a salvation for everyone of us, who were groomed and trained into conditional love, where we were not allowed to be ourselves from the heart.

[@drradon]

I can feel the birthday example so much. I don’t celebrate my birthday to this day. My mom would always tell me how I did not thank people enough for the gifts they gave me as a child even if she was not in the room when I got my present. It’s never good enough, it’s always “I only want your best”. Just turned 43 and this is still in me. Did not leave my parents home till I was 27 because she put the fear of not being good at anything in me. She can’t say sorry ever, she will always claim how she apologized so much in the past (she did not) so now she won’t do it anymore.

[@SouLightness]

I was a domestic violence worker. 18 years with a passive agressive narc...but also groomed by my grand aunt and some nuns in childhood. This man fed on the wounds of my childhood that hadnt fully healed. So long it took me to see it. To the point that i have parkinsons and still stuck...they certainly feel so high and mighty in a subtle way. Hurts...till you start seing with clarity...thank you and dr Carter for all the light you bring! Debbie, i just bought your book! 🙏🙏🙏

[@claretroy1208]

When I first came across this book, I was just starting the divorce process after 45 years being in a relationship with a covert passive aggressive narcissist. With each page I read, it was such an awakening. I saw myself and him on each page after page. I will always be so grateful for this book.

[@clady12549]

Ive learned so much from both of you in the months that i escaped my 8 year marriage to a covert narcissist after my child disclosed SA to me. Thank you so much for helping to unveil what seems to be the perfect partner until the pattern never changes with the issues.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome.

[@ivizz100]

Can I ask how they reacted when confronted? I left my ex covert when I found out he's groomed a child in my family, and it was absolutely shocking how he tried to blame the child, then myself and everyone else but himself. He was still the victim even when doing something as awful as grooming a child.

[@HBudianu]

@@ivizz100 A common reaction! Refusal to take responsibility. Praying you find healing. God bless

[@becky4778]

Dr. Carter is correct, you gave a very articulate description as to what a person might experience with a covert narcissist. The example of special occasions being ruined is spot on! That was one of the first things I started noticing. Then feeling bad after spending time with the person and just knowing something was wrong. It took me years to realize there was no love in this relationship. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[@Peace_love23]

Yes!!! My experience 100%. And this discussion is so reaffirming to a victim of NPD. Thank you! ❤

[@lonewolf0283]

Being able to be completely honest and authentic is so important with respect to setting boundaries and in every day life. I do not mean anyone should be acting like a jerk but so many people are raised to be too “nice” or people pleasers. In other words filtering expressing their opinions, feelings, setting boundaries, pursuing goals etc through the approval of others.

[@denicehaley9902]

Accurately true!

[@CadenceMarks]

There is a narcissistic tactic that I never see discussed and I want to share it in case it is helpful to others: narcissists will pout and wallow in self-pity as a disguise for remorse. I used to perpetually forgive abusive behavior because my ex seemed to show signs of guilt and contrition. Years later I realized that he was feeling bad for himself only. At times his guilt seemed performative, like "look at how sad I am; look at how deeply remorseful I feel right now." Somehow I was blind to the fact that he never once apologized to me for anything. Nor did he ever take partial responsibility for any disagreement or misunderstanding (not even one single time). Most importantly, I've come to learn that when someone stomps on my feet, the normal caring response would be something like, "oh my goodness, I'm sorry, are you OK, can I get you something to help?" The narc instead would say, "i'm sad for stomping on your feet. Look how sad I look. Can anyone be more sad than I am now. What can I do to look more sad?"

[@northerngaltrue]

Well said. “Performative renorse”. Sadly it fools everyone else. And you don’t even dare roll your eyes.

[@BookishDark]

@@CadenceMarks oh my god YES!!!!!!! I cannot agree hard enough!!!!!! Mine will apologize, give hugs, etc…but isn’t really sorry. If I respond in a way that doesn’t wholly accept his “apology”, he lashes out. It’s never been a real apology - it’s a performance. There’s no actual making amends, no changing. Just words. Empty words and sad faces.

[@lacyd.7773]

I really appreciate and respect Dr. C looking at himself and saying that his own anger in the past was similar to narcissism. That takes maturity and insight. So many people want to talk about the narcissist they are victim to but choose not to look at their part in the relationship. We all make mistakes and bad decisions, but if we look at what we did wrong and can do better we grow. I really appreciate self-honesty and being candid. It helps me be more honest with myself too.

[@msmacmac1000]

Wow. This was my life. And now, into the next generation with my daughters. My daughters seem to have absorbed his covert blaming, attacking and rage. It was all so “ not obvious.” And yes, I was often ignored at my birthday and left feeling horrible. And still, now that I am released, I still have moments of wondering “ is it all me?”😢😢

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

What about when the narc buys themselves the presents for YOUR birthday!!!? So many ugly memories.

[@msmacmac1000]

@@AnnePerkins-po5jo ongoing heartbreak. The abuse happened “ in plain sight” but so covertly that my kids absorbed it and now have assumed some of the behaviors. I’m a “ scapegoat.” Ugh

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Seriously?

[@denicehaley9902]

msmacmac1, I understandably, but unfortunately, share your pain, grief, and sorrow with all 3 of my adult daughters taking on my “husband’s” passive aggressive behaviors towards me-to the point they’ve excluded me from their lives. 🙏😭💔🙏😭💔

[@msmacmac1000]

@@denicehaley9902 I feel you. I am at this moment wondering who my daughters really are? Did they inherit anything of me? I’m having a moment and your response touches me. Peace to you.❤️

[@lauracoussens6207]

When she started talking about holidays and birthdays (and vacations) being ruined...stealthily...oh, oh, oh...my hands went over my face. I lived this too for decades. These people just can't handle anything that reflects LOVE. They are LOVE destroyers. Please do not blame yourself...you are / were the loving person giving the mean person the benefit of the doubt. Always give yourself credit for being able to love anyone and everyone in a healthy way...even if it means having to let go of the ones with unhealthy behaviors.

[@lynncarter4964]

I was raised in high control religion run by narcissistic dogma - Jehovahs Witnesses. many of my cousins and myself ended up in narcissistic marriages. We were raised to serve and always feel not enough, and guilt guilt guilt. A perfect template for future relationships.

[@janebrown7231]

Thanks so much for covering this topic! (Edit: I was the one that requested it recently, and your response was so much appreciated.) ❤️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome!

[@surlif]

And thank you so much for asking, Jane!! Living with the covert narcissist has been frustrating, stressful, and destructive for me. I need all the help and insight I can get.

[@janebrown7231]

@surlif Oh, yes, there's so much less information on this breed! It's exhausting, isn't it - and sometimes it seems there's something particularly malicious about that hidden malignant behaviour compared with the public face of perfect partner. I'm still stuck with coping with it. I don't know what I did in a previous life to deserve this! :D Many thanks for your comment, and I wish you all the best with your own situation.

[@ashleeallen8875]

I got in a car accident while pregnant and my narc ex showed up to the scene and instead of being concerned about me, he started screaming at the terrified young girl who ran the red light hit me, bossing the paramedics and the police around and yelling at me for getting hit. It was the most surreal moment where I thought I never realized something like a car accident could be made all about him. It was so embarrassing. I also like to tell the story of when he slammed my hand in the door and then yelled at me for my hand being in the way. Such a surreal experience when you are are normal person.

[@keyjones1638]

When I was first discovering what narcissism was and that explained several people in my life, I found a video with Meredith Miller and Debbie Mirza and it changed my life. 🩵 Whoever feeds our souls with truth will always hold a special place in our hearts. Debbie, Meredith, and Dr C are 3 of those people 🩵🌿

[@beyerterp]

Oh my gosh - Yes!! Loving mother without boundaries. Never ever argued with my narc father. Sadly I carried in the same behavior.

[@galleta_2024]

Born into a narcissistic household. I left as soon as i could only to married a narcissistic young man. How was I to know that 38 years later I'd be leaving him because I had zero left to give and I no longer felt sorry for him. I'm now 81 and a friend's husband is a narcissist who periodically targets me to 'do his verbal stupidity.' I want to keep my friend so I carried a small gray rock with me at all times in his company 'to remind me to not engage' and zero eye contact. I'm polite if he opens a door for us, I'll say 'thanks' but that is all. I will continue being himself because that is all he knows, but I believe I have this licked. Once a coda always a coda. I just learned how not to get sucked in. I'm glad I am thoughtful and caring of others, I just had to learn 'with whom' and who to avoid. Thank you both.

[@Holeysocks464]

Thank you both, you just helped me understand one of the possible reasons I seem to have repeatedly found myself mixed up with a covert narcissist. I grew up with what I now know was a narcissistic much older brother. My family continuously accommodated his behavior and of coarse I learned to go along as well. I questioned this accommodating behavior many times and was always told it was to keep peace in the family. Perhaps I learned to accept the subtle signals and warnings from other coverts until the condescension and sly manipulation increased to unacceptable. Always learning, thank you!

[@laurel7309]

My heart goes out to you. I have a toxic brother as well. The family enables him by not calling out the behavior. He is so hypocritical, manipulative, and condescending with me, but he tries to hide it by saying "I love and care about you." I finally had to say enough is enough.

[@Holeysocks464]

@@laurel7309 yes unfortunately it is the best option, I haven’t spoken with my brother in 14 years. It’s much calmer in our lives.

[@bethgotts8031]

After the divorce he continued his abuse by sabatashing the precious limited times I had with my children. This happened over and over again. Was so difficult. Can totally relate.

[@amberc3728]

❤

[@BookishDark]

This is why I won’t really bite the bullet and stop this - we have minor children and I do not trust him to do what’s right for them.

[@gonzalofuste]

Thank you very much for these videos, where we can take refuge and confirm that we are not crazy, that there are people who have gone through the same thing.

[@starryeyednomad3519]

I had no idea I was married to a covert narcissist for 15 years. I kept asking myself how can a "nice" guy be so selfish? So manipulative? Liar? Straight up delusional and re-writing history to make themselves look good? Entitled? After years of looking for answers, I finally understand. He was a jerk to me and our kids...but sooo generous to outsiders. He was quick to help our neighbor with problems but when the kids and I asked him for help, he'd get annoyed and wouldn't help. Notice I said help. He didn't think it was his responsibility to be a father and husband because he was 'HELPING' us. Covert narcissists are the hardest to expose. It's hard to prove that their passive aggression had malicious intent in the court system and within family dynamics. If you react outwardly to their passive aggression, then they smugly point a finger at you as if YOU are the problem. They "innocently" hold up their hands and say they don't know what's the matter with you because they didn't do anything to you. They're the kinds of people who said they don't lie...even if they lie via omission (withholding important information). Many therapists and mental health counselors still don't understand narcissism. Some don't even believe that it exists (as was said by a counselor to me). Thank you, Dr. C. and Debbie Mirza, for all of your work. It's definitely a lifeline.

[@patriciabarnes7517]

I sooo understand this crazy plight. It's such a sickness. The deception gets sharper and "smarter" with what unformation from you they take away from, not giving a glance to the emotional crimes of abuse done to you that you think you're actually trying to work out together. All the while, they cipher what worked, what isn't and then stepping up "their" game. Feeling like they are the smartest in all the land. 🙄 it's a Lifetime movie. Healing, the rest of our own lives, trying to move forward in mental exhaustion. Trust is never the same.

[@theresavanriessen1269]

I relate to all of this. There's a lot of manipulation behind the scenes, a lot of lies by omission easily made because I always give the benefit of the doubt. Always some kind of manufactured drama if there was an event for someone else and he wasn't getting attention. I feel like such a fool.

[@C.C.1812]

The holiday nightmares are so right on! I feel less lonely after hearing this. Thank you!!

[@jefferylennerth9908]

Amazing you discussed my wife's traits of being a covert narcissist to a tee. It took me 8 years to understand what was going on. Debbie really explained it very well!

[@teresacotton7923]

Passive aggressive behavior is one of the first things you will notice. High defensive stance becomes offensive every time.

[@DedeMattix]

Sure wish I'd "seen" it sooner....

[@masterdaveedwards]

The hook…there’s always a hook. Thanks for having your guest on. Insight is always magnified by those who are set free to help others. Shalom Dr C

[@fred.k9875]

Thank you Dr.C , you are our beacon of hope and light and truth!🙏