Decluttering Q&A: 10.17.2023

[@cheryllovestoread]

Susan, my dear, my adult son was murdered in 2018. I absolutely get it. Dana is 100% correct that therapy (hopefully with someone licensed and trauma-informed) is probably the best thing to begin first. Or again. Our kind of grief is ever evolving. The layers are so complex, especially with the added trauma of the “justice” system. It is truly unlike any other kind of grief. Please go or go back to therapy. Then, I’d designate nice boxes & bins, as many as you need, for your child’s things. Try to find someone to do this process physically alongside you. You’ll need someone to tell the stories to and to hand you tissues and glasses of of water. Instead of decluttering, focus on curating their things within those boxes & bins and label them so you can always find exactly what you want to look through later. Focus on grouping like with like. My son’s ties, for instance, are all in one small box. Dress shirts I loved to see him wearing are in another. High school mementos are in another. Etc. Clothes and hats were the very hardest for me. Go slow. And, if there are siblings or other close relatives, ask them if there is anything they would like. The last things that I struggled with were items he touched or gave me, that I never really liked or felt sentimental about when he was living. It’s okay to donate those items to others who might need them. I don’t know you but I feel very connected to you. My husband always says that we count as family anyone who shares this awful journey. Be gentle with yourself. 💛💐 Love, Micah’s Mom

[@lamargot2201]

My condolences to both of you. I love the mindset of curating. Grief support is available for free for people who don't plan on going to therapy. After my husband died, a woman at work brought me a bulletin from her church about a grief share program. Even though I could have afforded some sessions with a therapist, it just appealed to me. For some reason. I'm not even Christian and I was welcomed. There were people there who had lost spouses and other people who had lost children or parents. It really was for everyone. I also did purchase some grief therapy sessions from a professional and I did not find it helpful at all. Of course, everyone's experience would be different. I still have some of my husband's things in a bin but I have room for them and I just like having them there. I don't feel I need to do anything at all with them unless I want to, and right now I don't want to. I'm fortunate to have the space.

[@eepsers1]

Thank you for sharing the tips that you know firsthand were helpful to you. They are offered in such a kind and caring way.

[@Ella-zj2ur]

My heart goes out to you both. What a compassionate, empathic message, and some excellent suggestions in the vein of Dana's de-cluttering process--i.e. focusing on favorites rather than the overwhelm of decluttering-- especially in this case. I wish you both love and peace of mind. ❤

[@rg-mi5hh]

I am so sorry.

[@Wendy-WackyWomanCreations]

@Susan Markowitz and Cheryl. I am sooo sorry. My son died in the military and of course, I went through the same thing. I just packed most of his stuff until I was ready. As I decluttered using Dana's rules, little by little I would deal with one thing at a time. I am lucky that he left me a grandson so I can share with him. It was weird though, before he joined the army, he was an autobody tech and had a huge floor toolbox. It took up a lot space in my garage but I couldn't get rid of it. I think its because it was what identified him before he was a soldier. One day, for no apparent reason, I decided it was time and I sold it on marketplace....to a veteran!! Take your time. Don't force anything

[@idid138]

This lady has the best system, you've come to the right place!

[@taraamundson1140]

My husband passed away 4 1/2 yrs away and I put all of the special items in a Rubbermaid bin. I limited it to 1 bin. But you could limit it to 2. It is hard. It is so hard. The stuff is not the person. I also took photos of the items that I let go of. I will keep them in my phone. It feels so good to know where those items are. And I put the dvd of his Celebration of Life service in that bin also. It feels so good and such a special bin. I can take that out at any time to look at those things. I’m so sorry you have to go through that. A child is extra extra hard to lose!!!

[@beachprints]

"life is a container." is a profound statement. It is one that we don't know what the size of it is.

[@saraobrien7820]

I am almost 74 years old and you are telling my life story! I have moved over 30 times in my life, And I am a "slob". That's the first time I've said that; although I'm sure others have thought it often. I once wrote a paper on who I am and the words I used were "procrastinating perfectionist". I'm living proof that it's never too late to learn. After reading "Decluttering At The Speed of Life" I saw a glint of hope. I have followed your A slob comes clean for years and was very thrilled when I found out you are the same person. It's good to know that other intelligent people's brains work like mine. Keep up the good work and God bless you!

[@lindamcdermott9980]

Today I did a deep clean of my art studio space in my bedroom. Your words, “take it there now” passed through my brain repeatedly. It absolutely works. I finished the task, pulled out trash, put like things together and took things to their place. When finished, everything was organized, and there was no residual stuff to deal with. The job was done, and it took less time than expected.

[@lindseyaucoin4798]

Lol... she's in my head as well. "Take it there NOW." I roll my eyes and do it, though- and it is definitely more efficient than trying to make those darn piles to "take it there later".😂

[@janicewardwell2048]

When my husband passed, clothing was so hard for me. I think because they are so personal. I left them hanging in my closet for the longest time. Then I gave some things to my boys. Next step I put them all in totes and put them in the basement. From there in time they went to the garage. From there they went into my trunk. Finally I was able to let go. Took sometime but it worked for me. Some stages took months!!! ❤❤

[@susieque933]

It literally took me a year to take my husband’s clothes out of the closet after he died. It’s been 6 years and I still have his favorite shirt and jeans hanging with my clothes.

[@brg2743]

It's your home. Those who are there temporarily need limits on what they bring in to it. It belongs to you and they need to respect that.

[@Cecily-Pimprenelle]

This! I mean, there are things such as shoes and coats which might be in the communal entry closet. A book which is currently being read by the father-or-mother-in-law might be out, too. More dishes will be out in a day, so a little more mess in the kitchen. Maybe some specific things they HAD to bring in addition of some clothes... but those could, I suspect, be kept IN THE BEDROOM THEY OCCUPY. I don’t see why it should spread all over the house! I do get how it might be Diplomatically Complicated to say this aloud... but still! Temporarily storing stuff (kid’s toys, off-season kid’s clothes) away is a good idea... but rather than a pile of crates in a corner, I LOVED Betty Shill’s suggestion to store it at the in-laws’ place if it’s doable! (And it likely is, they can’t live too far away if the mother-in-law is living with them while continuing to go to work).

[@ucfhillcollege8296]

I was waiting for Dana to address this aspect of the situation.

[@fionaschiffl8065]

The last few months I’ve been throwing out polystyrene and boxes and filling the bins each week. Can’t believe it. Also been throwing out the ‘what if’ items. To test whether I need it, I put it in the bin and see how it feels. 100% trash rate. I know that’s not in the system but it’s working for me. I’m not even seeing how it feels now and just trash it with no regrets. I’m doing it with what I thought were sentimental items too and it’s so much easier. My local donation store is going to have to open an 80s section. 😊

[@hippityhop99]

Dana, I listen to your Q&A every Tuesday about 3hrs after the LIVE, and I am getting so used to your style and system I try to answer the questions before you start. (I think I can answer 70% of the qs now but nowhere as succinct and eloquently as you haha) I have watched countless videos from many different KZbinrs, on decluttering, organising and general life management topics. Without a doubt, your work has impacted my life for the better the most! You are consistent, optimistic, loving and non-judgemental to your audience. Especially today with some very difficult situations, you give helpful practical advice while being sympathetic and pragmatic. Thank you and thank you.

[@teresahayden6990]

For childhood trauma someone suggested I listen to the crappy childhood fairy. I have listened to some and they have been helpful

[@rg-mi5hh]

Today we put up new curtains. Made something better today!

[@beachprints]

Dana, I hear "Just do the dishes" and "Take it there now" in my head on a regular basis since I began listening to you. It is life changing! Finally, making progress!

[@shadowprovesunshine]

Same! 😂

[@lauranewman564]

If you're offering help, ask if they want help rather than asking if they need help. I don’t always need help, but I want someone with me, so I want help. Besides, its hard to admit that we "need."

[@MsJujubee3]

So smart!

[@victoriaoliver9958]

I’ve been watching you on KZbin since you were “Nona” and I’m amazed at what I still learn each time I watch your live shows. I love how you talked about creating play “space” in the play room rather than play/toy storage. And doing smaller donation pickups. And you put into words how “eating the big frog first” doesn’t always work, especially with sentimental decluttering. The list goes on… Thank you for continuing to teach us, even if for you it may seem repetitive. 😊 Because some small nuance in how you answer a question can totally give us an “aha” moment.

[@kellyvarley946]

You are amazing

[@elizabethsokol2545]

I was so discouraged about my decluttering progress, until I started cleaning and decorating for fall and Halloween. I've been focussing on one section at a time and have been able to tidy that area in 15 minutes, not the 15 months I envisioned. (This is because I have been decluttering and organizing and am finally seeing progress.) I tackled a very large DOOM box filled with papers. It took about 15 minutes to sort through. I did hit a "brick wall" with some papers associated with identity clutter that, even though I know are trash, I can't throw out because I feel that I will be throwing out a piece of my life. I was able to fit the papers into letter size box and put it in the attic. Not feeling guilty because a huge box is gone and I would rather use the motivation I gained from the victories than focus on a small box of papers I don't have the strength to declutter. Enjoying the time I am not shopping by exercising, reading and starting a craft project.

[@tomtensecretlanguage9273]

This lady changed our lives for the better. We decluttered using Dana's 5-step method (nothing else actually worked for us long term). Living clutter free has brought some sweet inner calm being at home. You deserve freedom-from-clutter and the 5-steps will get you there! Thank you Dana!

[@user-eh3fu3kn1x]

When I open up mail, I toss the envelope, the foreign language info, any blank papers. I check both sides of each page, in case there is important info. I do this when I pick up mail sometimes once a week. It takes no longer than 5 minutes, most junk mail doesn't need to be opened, adverts get tossed.

[@jeweledsnail]

I had the same experience with the last 20%. It took me quite a while to be ready. For me, I think it was just too much of a change at a time when my mental health wasn't great. I grew up in a cluttered home and stuff can kind of feel cozy and familiar even if it's not functional. Taking the time to be ready gave me time to establish the habits I've been working on and build confidence that I can maintain a functional and comfortable home.

[@user-eh3fu3kn1x]

I'm doing heavy work in therapy for mental health. I need to move in 3 months - got rid of quite a lot, but having trouble doing much more. I think this is more my problem, but I don't want to stall out because it will be harder later.

[@eepsers1]

For the person who wanted to offer help to her friend, wait until she says something like I need to clean but everything is covered. Then offer to come over and take care of the kids for an hour one day.

[@margo7581]

My girlfriend and I have been helping each other declutter! Very helpful. I highly recommended it! Also, if it's not a heck yes! It's a Heck no!

[@LorreneRomanic]

19:46 Dana's video "I Solved the Paper Clutter Problem!" about her wall-hanging paper organizers was published Aug 18, 2021

[@kellyclemmer9715]

We’re renovating half our small house (started 5 months ago 😬) and I only just found your channel a month ago. Life.changing. Last night I had to clear and disassemble a bookshelf… old me: I’ll just stuff it all in a box and deal later. New me: I have a donate box and a trashcan! I now know that my 2 boxes of books for when we set up the bookshelf again are books I actually want to keep! One box is on the way to the thrift store, one box in the trash, and one box going back to my parents’ house (apparently I’ve borrowed a lot of books over the years!) What a relief! Your methods have changed my home in so many ways. And I’ve managed to keep my sanity during a huge home project!

[@carlajetton7560]

Dana -- you are amazing and wonderful and simply THANK YOU!

[@ninacox6865]

Every time I clean snd get rid of and have an open space some one moves in on me.

[@ariadnepiera4838]

I had this problem with my husband and I followed an idea from the minimal mom. I would leave empty containers to fill the space. I also strategically place “decorations” so that he doesn’t perceive the space as a blank area to throw unmanaged clutter. This has worked for me in storage areas and in highly visible areas. I used to get frustrated, but sometimes people need time to get used to a decluttered space since it doesn’t fit the picture they had in their mind and they kind of “fix” it, by putting stuff there so it looks “normal” to them, or at least that what seems like what was happening in my house. If you’re able to keep working on a space, then they’ll get used to decluttered spaces and will likely keep them that way as well. Good luck!

[@bonniesmith2906]

Dana! I want to say Thank You so much!! For figuring out and sharing your system w the rest of us. Your methods are helping me so much! I still have a long way to go but now for maybe the first time I feel truly hopeful that I can live in a space that I can manage! Your system is the first that actually really works for me. Thank you 🙏 you are a godsend. Today i accomplished fitting all of my books on my bookshelves- a goal ive been working towards since the summer. Your container concept was just the thing i needed to finally downsize my book collection. i kept my favorites and let go of the rest. Thanks again! ❤

[@olivemaycards]

For the person asking about returning things - I have this issue too and it drives me batty! I have designated a shelf next to where I keep my purse in the hopes that I will see the thing I need to take with me. But not everything fits and after a while I stop seeing it (clutter blindness) so leaving it out doesn’t help as much as I think it does. It stresses me out knowing I need to do it, worrying I will forget it, and then half the time I do forget it anyway. I had to come up with automated systems to remind me and learn to trust that they would work so I could put stuff away in a designated return spot. I’ll put the ”meet Sam - take x y z” in my phone calendar and set a reminder for that morning so I can move the things next to the front door. But like Dana said making a special trip if it’s bugging you or getting the other person to remind you can help.

[@magswilliams-fuller8879]

Or write a thank you note and post it back.

[@SproutingHealth]

Love you, Dana❣️

[@janethunt4037]

You are always a great encouragement Dana. I was dreading sentimental clutter. But once I got a container to serve as my memory bin, it was much easier to go through the items. Since I created a place for memory items I had permission to keep a lot.

[@happyonthehomefront4317]

Progress and only progress!

[@teresarose7524]

we turned our kids play room into a hang out space when they became more of an age to have friends over to play video games and pool and hang out. when they are more into games and music then tonka tracks and legos.

[@MsJujubee3]

You are the best!!!!!! Love your humor too!!!

[@kaywilliams1065]

Your methods have cured my shopping for unplanned items. All I can think of is where will it go and will I Really use it. ❤

[@MsJujubee3]

Yesssss

[@user-tc8jp5zt8g]

About garage sales, I find Dana much more useful than minimalism but minimalism taught me you can like something without owning it. I have found that concept to be invaluable to helping me.

[@gillianmuspic2337]

loved the question about the plants. I need to bring them indoors and have been putting it off ( but there is a deadline) because I have been thinking hard about which plants I can keep as well as how to keep them. For example over the past few years I have just brought the whole pot inside but now I am thinking that I could take some cuttings from a few and plant all in one or 2 pots and keep them that way. Yes, it means a slower start in the new year but a less cluttered way to do it

[@trumax33]

To give a hint/offer help to your overwhelmed friend, maybe tell her your sister/mil/cousin/neighbor offered you some stuff and you politely declined because now that you have your house basically under control, you really want to limit the items that come in. Maybe that will pique her interest and you'll be able to tell her about Dana's awesome decluttering method.

[@Lcshell]

“Life is a container “ I can’t wait to say that to someone lol

[@kimberly8185]

My mail and bills go in the folder on the bottom shelf of my end table i also keep stamps, paper,and envelopes in the folder

[@LB-vl3qn]

Dana, I hope you found the earring that is missing from your left ear. ~ Lisa

[@lauramathews3151]

When we had to have all rhe windows in our home replaced we rented a unit for a month. We spent 2 weeks taking small loads bc we had to have 4 ft clearancein front of all windows. The windows were replaced, and we spent 2 weeks taking small loads home. Have an end date whenever possible!

[@shadowprovesunshine]

Thank you Dana!🎉

[@user-eh3fu3kn1x]

Getting ready to move, I will donate or toss the house plants so I can keep the food plants. I will post at my church site to get rid of them and am bothered about the containers. But, it would be smart to do that too.

[@hashtagCatholic]

Could you make a video that covers “consolidation” more specifically? I don’t think that I’ve heard much about it.

[@stephaniec.5851]

Consolidating is the step after removing trash and Duh donations, where you move the things to the place you would look for them first--and then notice that you have five of the exact same thing, and feel ok getting rid of the ones you like least.

[@mrsstrople]

I am a minimalist, but I am a slob.... at least no one can tell!

[@user-eh3fu3kn1x]

My kids I'm moving in with don't want me to bring any of my furniture. I have placed 3 book shelves, and some mini chests as well as a tall one so far. They will be picked up later on, now to down size the contents.

[@ucfhillcollege8296]

Maybe the last 20% is the sentimental stuff?

[@mindymudge7247]

I would suggest taking anything she doesn't need during this time and store elsewhere to free up space.

[@angelweengz]

Hi dana! 👋 Love your videos! Have you found a virtual office manager?