Dementia - Looking For Children Who Are Not There

A viewer asks how to assist a person living with dementia who is looking for people who aren't there. Teepa role plays the situation and provides insights for changing the approach to help resolve distress. This question is excerpted from the Ask Teepa Anything in March 2020.
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[@Lucailey]

Teepa, I think the very most valued thing I have learned from you is to look them in the eye and nod and be like "Yeah, this is hard. I know and it's hard for me too." It really establishes that how they feel is important and we hate to see them feeling that way even if it does not make sense to us and I think saying that out loud and expressing the frustration for both of us is important.

[@moreritzmorals9257]

I’m going through the same with my mom. She hears us when we were kids outside and she calls out our names and wants me or my dad to open the door and let us in. we don’t open the door for her (she’s 82, we’re in our 50’s)We have to be creative with stories. We tell her that those are the neighbors’ kids or that her sister just passed by with her car and picked them up and took them to my grandparents house and my grandmother is taking care of them. And I go into details like-grandma bathe them and gave them chocolate milk and snuggled them into bed. And she goes from worried to calmed and says that she trusts her mom and her sister so much and that she will pick up the kids in the morning. 🙃there’s 4 of us,two boys and two girls. She usually is worried about the girls(my sister and I). My dad calls me every day to distract my mother or discourage her from leaving. She wants to go home. Is either her childhood home or some times is her home with us (as kids)and my dad. She wants to go see her mom. Or that she has to go home and cook because her kids got home from school and are hungry. It’s very hard sometimes, but I do it anyway. My siblings do the same too…

[@teepasnowvideos]

Moreritz Morals, you are really working hard to do the best you can alongside your mom rather than fighting with her. If you ever want new, or different, strategies to try, our PAC Team offers free 30 minute consults where you can talk it out and think about some other stuff to try. Maybe together, we can make it a little less hard for all. teepasnow.com/services/consulting/phone-consultations/

[@sdbelland]

Help! My 94 year old mom with Dementia often gets really upset because she thinks my sister is a teenager (she's 55) and not coming home for curfew and is getting in trouble. The sister she refer's to was never one to stay out or get in trouble, so we're not sure why she would think that. We're not sure what to say because every time we open our mouth when she's like this, she accuses of lying and says we've broken her heart :(

[@teepasnowvideos]

I wonder who else in her life did have this role...perhaps it was her sister? or a friend from her youth? What happens if you go with the flow and engage her in the conversation...try using the phrase "tell me more" and reflect her words to show her you are getting her message. You can connect with us via teepasnow.com if you would like to discuss in detail or find some resources that might help.

[@barbarahopkins6183]

This was do helpful! I'm an activity director with a resident that experiences this frequently. She works with me most days on various tasks. No I understand why certain tasks occupy her & others don't; all about the details. Thank you

[@teepasnowvideos]

@Barbara Hopkins, You are very welcome. I'm glad that this video gave you some new ideas about someone you are working with in care. If you liked this video, you may want check out some other intro videos on our website (teepasnow.com/resources/about-dementia/) or maybe check out Teepa on TikTok (www.tiktok.com/@teepasnow?)

[@cantfinda1]

(J) Going to try using in a similar question mom ask. Her is, "where is everyone". And Teepa when you said, "it's all about the details for her" that was a moment for me. Hadn't thought of asking if she's worried about everyone, I'd just remind her we're all grown adults. Never thought of correlating her need for detail and perfectionism together with worry. Thanks again Teepa. God's Blessings 💕

[@velder2398]

Thank you so much for sharing your insight. This is such a hard journey. I will be forever in your debt for all of thee nuggets that are helping me understand what my mom is experiencing.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @velder2398, you are very welcome! It is a hard journey and I'm happy that we are able to help you. Please know that if you ever need to speak to someone, call us 1-877-877-1671 or email [e-mail]. We are happy to help.

[@nazquadir1527]

Thank you for fantastic advice

[@Lucailey]

What about when the person with Dementia thinks their own children are little and are home alone? I work at a nursing home on a Dementia Unit and this is a situation I've ran into often. Especially now with Covid 19. They are thinking about their family a lot and I am getting quite a few people telling me that their adult children are young or babies that are home alone. I have tried things like suggesting a spose or a neighbor or is watching the kids and things are okay. But I have over 40 people on my unit and can't always remember the names of resident's family members so usually it's a generic "Oh, your husband is at home with them" or "Oh your neighbor called and said she is watching the baby. Isn't she great?"

[@Lucailey]

@@PC-zz9cy it would be wonderful to do that but having the names of all their family members or old associations would be impossible. We have immediate family numbers and any information they give us only. In a perfect world i would love to have the list of all the important residents and know all their relations but there are too many residents and due to covid we arnt having as much contact

[@Lucailey]

@@PC-zz9cy I am saying it really is a great idea but, the problem goes more indebt than that. Number 1# I am the activities person. Basically we keep the brains alive and the fun alive and sometimes learning - the brain stuff really going for the residents. I am not medical staff so, I don't go in their rooms very much. I am with the people that can't be in their rooms. These are the fall risks, the ones that might do dangerous things or you never know what they will do - I am in the lobby with them at all times. I can not leave that day room when I am on the floor. So, even if they did have family pictures with the names and all that - unfortunately I wouldn't really be able to access all of them. I mean I am good but keeping 40+ people's family and friends and who goes to who in my brainis too much LOL. Half the time my job alone is too much. Yes, I would say most of the residents do have pictures of family in their rooms - I love your idea of having a lable to the staff can know who is who. But, like I said I wouldn't be able to get to those things at the necessary moment. I remember when my grandmother was in a nursing home the outside of her door had a thing with questions on it that told a bit about her like, it asked about her fave color. and things like that. I wish our place did that but sadly there just isn't enough door room or family involvement right now to even be able to do that. Covid is making it so hard on these residents and the staff! I feel as though many of my residents really don't know what is going on in the forfront of their mind but, in the back recesses of their minds even the ones with no verbal skills and very little skills at all - have this place in their mind where they remember they do have loved ones and Covid is isolating them and sadly causing a lot of the deaths. I know we have to take all thesse precautions. I am totally understanding of that. I want to keep all my Nanans and my poppas safe - but covid is killing them because they need their family. I try so hard to be able to fill that need and I think I do - but it's not as good as their real kin you know? So, yes I really really do wish I had thepictures and the stories and everything for all the residents when they suddenly worry about their parents, their partner, their kids or whatever but, right now I just don't have that information. Also I have only been at my place for a little over a year now and so I don't even really know all of the friends and family that would have been visiting often by their face any more. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I am sorry if it sounded like I am snapping. It's just that there are wonderful care ideas out there but, sometimes it just takes more staff to do them than can really be provided. The place I work at takes great care of them and we love them but, at the end of the day there are around 40 residents on my floor with the more severe Dementias and a good...oh I don't know...maybe 80-100 residents upstairs with milder forms or just there for other issues. It's a big place and sometimes even though we are doing our best there are just sad facts that come in to play and this effect of residents worried about the kids being picked up from school or, them getting to visit their own parents or grandparents is amped up because they simply have not been able to see their family and friends for a long time and so it is even more confusing for them. We do visits every Tuesday and Thursday 4 residents and 4 single family members are able to go out on the deck and visit. I believe they are more like 10ft apart than 6 but, we are doing the best we can. It's hard - really really hard

[@teepasnowvideos]

@@Lucailey , Wow, you have been dealing with a lot. Thanks for sharing. Thanks also for all that you are able to do. I know that it's been a while since you wrote this comment, but as a member of Teepa's team, I know that we are all still not able to do as much as we want. If you would like to talk to someone about all of this, please reach out to us at 1-877-877-1671 or via email ([e-mail]). We ofter 30 minutes of free consultation time.

[@erinbabitz]

Teepa you are amazing and really understand the disease! Thank you for all your knowledge.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @Erin Howard, you are very welcome. Teepa really enjoys passing on her knowledge to others. Thank you for subscribing to our channel!

[@amywombolt3679]

Often go through this!

[@yoonheepark5297]

To help you find helpful solution driven rather than rent and reaction driven, mediation licensed professional that does not escalate such stressful sometimes miscommunication sometimes fearful situation. Videos like this can help a person or family by empathizing you are not the only dragged in drama-loving adverse people. We've never needed it, thankfully and never will need a licensed paid UNBIASED middle person, you do not wang to go visit a court when you are emotionally charged like a few rash neighbors who don't realize you are in it together when you cause a problem to let's say a new resettler from abroad or from out of town, research a mediation licensed legal professional(s), 3rd person, that can see a harsh situation you are in more objectively to help all involved, literally Each and Every person involved in the situation, to arrive to agreeable harmoneous peacebuilding trustful fair relationship between individuals). If anyone take this path to resolve with a mediator until a mediator is no longer needed(which means they have done her or his or their job BUT it is probably good idea to stay accountable with your group's mediator that way a person does not take advantage or monopolize your family's resolved normalized unified healthy honest relationship, message me if this does not make sense, I like questions and will replay to you and keep in mind I do not have references for you because I am in Charlotte area.

[@treasure2433]

I’ve been in this situation a few times with my clients, she would ask where the little girl went the one that was right here ? I would ask her if the little girl looked familiar and the response was NO, I explained I heard her mother calling, I think she left. That eases their mind.. MY QUESTION IS... I know they see dead people, are they seeing dead children or their children as kids ?

[@teepasnowvideos]

There are many ideas around what or possibly who they are seeing...we just try to meet them where they are and bring comfort where there might be distress.

[@10nitrogen10]

I am a newish care worker & you are amazing - thank you so much xx@@teepasnowvideos

[@rheajoycerubin2588]

@@teepasnowvideos o

[@lauraschlaupitz8557]

My mom hears kids upstairs. At first I'd tell her they weren't there. Then she got upset. Then I started to agree they were there and fine. Then she'd get upset as to why they wouldn't come down to see her. I had no response to that. Then they seemed to be gone for awhile and when she'd asked if they were here I'd say no they went back home to their family. Their families were having issues that's why they were here but that's bee resolved and they went home. She hears my husband talking to them alot and its usually about things that upset. Thoughts that we're going to put her in a home or sell all of her stuff and get rich. Unfortunately, I don't have a good response to that. I either tell her it's not him talking or just ignore her.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi Laura, thank you for sharing. That's a tough one but we have some thoughts on this if you've like to explore some of it with us. Feel free to contact us via our website.

[@yoonheepark5297]

I am glad you are sharing this for someone with such health issue. BUT frawning face stresses viewers and communication manner such as talking over each other can increase chaos in the mind of the person with such memory problem when you both are navigating this unclear ironic situation TOGETHER. It would be helpful to keep communication manner.

[@Ceebz39]

It was only to sample the situation not the real time situation. You seem to over-judge how Teepa is trying to help out in her own special way. She didn’t frown faces nor stressed me so have no idea about where your odd response to this very helpful video is coming from.

[@yoonheepark5297]

@@Ceebz39 It is not really your business to intervene in my thoughtful advice to this video maker, and how can you prove your comment on this stress making video that it is not a real life situation that this person's video is "sample" situation?

[@pamdailey8421]

@@yoonheepark5297 Because it isn't. Teepa is reenacting with the woman who asked the question, not with the mother who has dementia. The frowning indicates concern and interest, not negativity when speaking with the loved one. How is this in any form "ironic"?

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hey @Elisa Yoonhee, We would love to talk this through, you bring up a great concern and something we do want to talk about in a more supportive way. Please email us at [e-mail] or call 1-877-877-1671 and we will figure out how to see each others' perspective and work through this question safely.

[@toffeelover2558]

Teepa I get scared to learn more and more, it’s as though I am so frightened for my darling.....I care for him 24/7...........I keep my smile and joke with him, but sometimes I cry when my heart is breaking.....but I will just say it’s my pain bothering me, I don’t put a name on his memory “ issue”....I do need help....my son helps.....but I need more really as I have health issues as well, but I don’t want to say to him he has Dementia....I don’t know if it’s wrong, but I don’t want him to be fearful......I hate this disease.....I love my darling...and want him close to me...and he as well.....we are inseparable......

[@teepasnowvideos]

Bless you and thank you for sharing. This IS hard! Your husband is so lucky to have such a caring wife - always looking out for him. Please connect with us via teepasnow.com if you would like to speak with someone in more detail, and in a private setting.

[@miras2222]

How to have a similar conversation with person with advanced dementia, using fewer words, short sentences? very often people with dementia have very low capacity to follow what we say, they can only understand very short comunicates and questions, just a few words at once. It's getting worse along with progress of dementia .

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @Mira S, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Yes, fewer words and more visual cues often help as the disease progresses.

[@Freaksnake]

eeeps she's a good actor too :3

[@gloriannepapolis6525]

I would just distract and some tea

[@teepasnowvideos]

Thanks for the comment, @Glorianna papolis!

[@gloriannepapolis6525]

My gosh, that's exhausting

[@teepasnowvideos]

@Glorianne papolis, yes care partnering can be exhausting, but thanks for taking the time to learn more about this topic. If you liked this one, you might be interested in our How-to Playlists (kzbin.info/www/bejne/q5LNgKuAZ9KEadU) or watch Teepa on TikTok (www.tiktok.com/@teepasnow?)

[@aliciawalsh2520]

I would love to be able to speak to you about my mother. I need help

[@teepasnowvideos]

Feel free to connect with us at teepasnow.com and we'll get you connected.

[@yoonheepark5297]

It would also helpful to the person having memory loss problem NOT TO BE MANIPULATED AND DESUADED by your friend and/or acquaintances who is good at making up a scene impromptu. It maybe assuring to this mother to help herself by DOUBLE CHECK sources and 'EVIDENCES'.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @Elisa Yoonhee B, you raise an interesting point and we would love to discuss it with you in more detail. Please call us aat 1-877-877-1671 or email us at [e-mail].

[@gabycarroll8166]

To the lady who is looking for the " children" did Teepas advice help?!?

[@Lucailey]

She was an actress....

[@teepasnowvideos]

@@Lucailey , Interesting comment. We would like you to know that all of our role plays are with real people not actors. Role Play is an essential tool that Positive Approach uses in our work as we all feel we learn best when we try things out ourselves.

[@teepasnowvideos]

@Gaby Carroll, Thanks for your follow-up question, I'm sorry, but we have not heard back from the person who was originally asked. We'd be interested to know if you were able to use the advice in any of your interactions. Please call us 1-877-877-1671, email us ([e-mail]) or just comment here too!