Exploring Abandonment vs Purpose When They Say "I Want to Go Home"

In this clip from our broadcast, we explore a situation with Laurie’s resident who wants to “go home.” As the day goes on, her anxiety escalates to an explosive emotional response when the resident threatens to call police. The team applies their detective skills to alleviate the downward spiral of these anxious feelings and behaviors. How would you respond in this situation?
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[@sandyboswell6292]

My husband is bedfast, but regularly fidgets and tries to get up to go home, go to work, etc. I’ve found that often he needs to use the urinal. His urgency to go home is his urgency to use the restroom. By the time he’s finished, he’s usually calm again. This works for him about 80% of the time

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @Sandy Boswell, Nice noticing! Thanks for sharing your experiences with us.

[@user-sr1kc6jj2b-p1q]

It is heartbreaking to hear that this lady used to be so essential to her family but now she has no one at all when she needs them the most. 😢

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @Nettie Mattes, yes it can be heartbreaking to hear some of these stories, but we truly hope that being curious and helping people to talk through things may help folks find answers or other team members to help.

[@kellypayne6449]

I feel like the staff should be reminded that her outbursts are not their fault. Also, I think gentle invitation to participate in assisting with tasks is almost always a good intervention. Helps bring them into the present moment where they are safe and connected.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hello @Kelly Payne. It's Cheryl from Teepa's team.Thanks for joining us on Dementia Problem Solving and for recognizing what needs to change, that is our goal too!! Here is Teepa's mission: teepasnow.com/about/pac-mission-and-values/ Teepa believes that when people know better, they will do better! Help us bring awareness and knowledge to everyone by sharing and subscribing!! Here is another free resource you may like: (teepasnow.com/about-dementia/) Kelly are you aware that PAC offers 30 minute free consults with a PAC Consultant? Please click here to register: teepasnow.com/services/consulting/phone-consultations/

[@grammiechat]

@@teepasnowvideos pm l m hi no no no oppll m

[@grammiechat]

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[@vistulacooper6802]

My Mom's morning is pretty routine but when it's our "walks time" or when someone comes to visit for a bit and she becomes her "chatty, personable self", that is when I have noticed the I WANT TO GO HOME, THIS IS NOT MY HOME, comes into play. My Mom was A REAL SOCIAL, CARING FOR OTHERS type of person. She was a Teacher, a Babysitter of over 42 Children into her late 50's AND RAISED ALL 9 OF US

[@Nino-zp9gp]

Maybe she would like one of those reborn dolls?😍

[@vistulacooper6802]

@@Nino-zp9gp my Daughter told me about those❤

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hey @Vistula Cooper, thanks for commenting. It sounds your mom is a real people person and likes being connected with others. I'm wondering if you might to talk with one of our consultants to explore ideas of ways to engage your mom more? Call us 1-877-877-1671 or [e-mail] to setup a free 30-minute time. I also want to say good job for learning more and taking the time to wonder.

[@ellenvandervort6413]

My mom used to say daily she wanted to go home to see her mother. Of course it makes sense that since she can't remember going to her mother's funeral that she would think she is still alive. I would just tell her that I didn't feel good and we would leave in the morning. I moved her 650 miles away from her hometown to live with me. You can not rationalize with a person who can't rationalize so it makes no sense to try to get them to see the reality. She always accepted the reason I gave her as to why we couldn't just leave now and she would not remember that I said we would leave in the morning.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi @Ellen Vandervort! Nice way to stay with your mother in the moment and not causing further distress.

[@robocat10]

My wife is doing the same thing almost every evening. I just tell her it's going to be dark soon and we will leave in the morning. You're right when morning comes she doesn't remember.

[@waltchapman1061]

​@@teepasnowvideoso

[@emmafarrell5603]

Thank you, my dad has dementia, this is very helpful

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @emmafarrell5603, glad this is helpful for you. If you'd like to learn more, please check out (teepasnow.com/resources/for-families-and-friends/) or contact us at [e-mail]

[@julseabate4173]

thank you Teepa Snow!!! you are a lifeline

[@thenurseacademic]

I love this collaboration.

[@carolynnr.6409]

Would there be anything that she could help others on a regular basis? Her job would be to place napkins on the table for lunch and dinner and after meals put all the chairs back in place under the tables? Could she push the laundry cart down the hall when collecting laundry. Something to be reminded to do for others, to feel useful.

[@teepasnowvideos]

All great ideas!

[@marygibbons2263]

It's helpful to ask the person with dementia if they would mind helping you with something because you have fallen behind schedule...then producing a basket of clean clothes, or a small box or drawer to be sorted or organized. For more advanced dementia , just socks and washcloths or small towels work better than sheets or more difficult garments. A dustrag ( without furniture polish on it) is another option. Make sure to thank them for their help after, maybe saying " since you helped me out, now I have time for a break! Care to join me for a cup of tea?" Soft music can be very helpful and calming, also saying "we can leave after rush hour, or early in the morning tomorrow...

[@whatshisname3304]

Good idea to have multiple inputs from carers. I'll have to watch the longer discussions.

[@jeffreyk9743]

I have a resident that fits this same scenario

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @Jeffrey K., thanks for making the connection! If you'd like to know more about techniques that might help in this or other scenarios, please check out our recorded webinars (shop.teepasnow.com/product-category/online-video/webinar/) or consider subscribing to our KZbin Channel (kzbin.info/door/SXrEX7LkWOmfTaV6u1C7wQ) to get the latest videos

[@Glowing_Creations]

This is exactly what happens. Mum is still at home and she still says she wants to go home.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hello @Linda. It's Cheryl from Teepa's team. Thanks for watching Dementia Problem Solving with Teepa and the PAC team. Thank you as well for recognizing what needs to change, that is our goal too!! Here is Teepa's mission: teepasnow.com/about/pac-mission-and-values/ Teepa believes that when people know better, they will do better! Help us bring awareness and knowledge to everyone by sharing and subscribing!! Here is another free resource you may like: (teepasnow.com/about-dementia/) Linda are you aware that PAC offers 30 minute free consults with a PAC Consultant to explore strategies with you further to support you and your PLwD. As well please take a look at our Care Partner Support Series by clicking here : teepasnow.com/services/consulting/

[@colineyeball]

@Linda, please hang in there and know that I'm in the same place as you are (other's with the same situation). Praying 🙏 that you add new creative tools on how to take care of "Mum". (I need them too). YOU CAN DO THIS😲🤗

[@tinamaddison5688]

My mum is doing this today. She is leaving in the morning early 6am. I believe it's boredom. We are at a loss as to activities for her. She does help with meal prep, laundry, dishes, housework stuff, she just needs more. We are in a rural town and there's not a lot to do when you're 89. By morning she's usually changed her mind. 🤞

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @Tina Maddison! We would love to help you think about some more ways to help your mum. Please connect with us for a free 30-minute consultation via phone, email, or zoom. Just send a note to [e-mail].

[@joanaustin121]

The caregivers would tell the one resident who acted out like this, "Ok. We've called a cab." She would settle down and then they would distract her. If she mentioned it again they would say, "The cab is coming." It would satisfy her.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Thanks for sharing, @joanaustin121!

[@ashleybellofsydney]

Make the conversation sensory. What does home look/feel/smell/sound like? Reminisce.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Thanks for the added ideas, @Ashley Bell!

[@kayokolindenberger3754]

Sounds similar to what my mom says. She now lives in a residential care facility, but she would say "I want to go" or "I want to go home" even when she lived at home. Interesting point friends and relatives. Her friends don't live in the same town, and her remaining brother and sister live overseas. My mom has commented that the residential care facility (or hospital) is like a prison.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @Kayoko Linderberger, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry that your mom isn't feeling comfortable in the surroundings that are different from home, but I'm glad that you've been able to figure some things out. If you'd ever like to talk more about this issue or other things, please reach out to us at 1-877-877-1671 or [e-mail].

[@elainegoad9777]

Residential care facilities are controlling. A resident MUST be in the institution routine and obey the staff and be confined. A person loses control of everything. Your mom's description of being in a prison is accurate. Put yourself in her place. Would you want to be living in that situation ?

[@1HeathersJourney]

I also thought about getting her involved in things shes "needed" for as well as is there a community volunteer or the like that would be consistent to visit her and engage in a similar way.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @ToLiveInspired, nice idea! Thanks for sharing. Helping people to find purpose is really important as you have already discovered.

[@kathey1981]

My mom was used to running around with my father years ago and then friends. She used to drive me crazy and I would just give in. Her dementia wasn't bad at that time so if I didn't take her out to eat or shop she was mean. Now that she is at about a level 6 she asks to go home and we just take it that she means the room she spends time in sleeping, watching TV and just hanging out with the family. She has just started trying to open the front door and gets frustrated until she figures out the lock. She is in a wheelchair so she can't get out that easy thank goodness. I'm enjoying your videos and trying to learn how to handle her. She is used to being in control so she is a handful.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @Life With Kathey, it sounds like your mom still has a lot of energy and is very curious about things. If you would like to explore some ideas of things to do with her, please reach out for a free 30-minute consultation ([e-mail] or 1-877-877-1671). Someone on our team would enjoy talking with you.

[@kathey1981]

@@teepasnowvideos Thanks! She is now bedbound and driving me crazy talking constantly. No one got any sleep last night. I'm reaching out to her hospice nurse today. Now that she's bed bound we can actually give her something to help her sleep at night.

[@alisonhowells1780]

My Mother has vascular dementia, sometimes she is so switched on & extremely manipulate, my mum wants to go home, simply because she wants to be in her own home.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @alisonhowells1780, it sounds there can be some challenging moments with you mum. If you would like to connect with one of our consultants, please reach out ([e-mail]) as we offer free 30-minute sessions via phone, email, or zoom. You might also be interested in these various resources (teepasnow.com/search/?search=vascular%20dementia) on our website.

[@wiseowl2020]

My Mother simply hates being in nursing home. She is wheelchair bound and unable to transfer. She was home until this spring when she had a mild stroke. She would be home but she won't cooperate with caregivers and refused to wear adult briefs or be changed. She slept in a urine-soaked bed and sat in urine-soaked clothes all day. She had UTIs, it stunk and she kept insisting everything was fine.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Wow, @Valkyrie2060, it sounds like you mother has and is still having some difficult times and you too. Thanks for sharing and if you would like to discuss things more, please reach out to us for a free 30-minute consult ([e-mail] or 1-877-877-1671).

[@Minouser8]

We are really struggling with this and I’m afraid it’s going to be the thing that gets her admitted to a hospital :( She wants to go home and I believe it is due to pain and discomfort. We have been tweaking her meds and I’m praying it’s going to help. She would pack the entire house up to go home if we let her. My poor mum and my dad that’s doing his best to help her but seems to never be able to help the way she wants.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, Minouser, I'm sorry that you are struggling with this issue. It is definitly very hard. I'm wondering if you might want to connect with one of our consultants ([e-mail]) to talk through the issue or if you might want to watch some of these videos from this search (www.youtube.com/@teepasnowvideos/search?query=want%20to%20go%20home).

[@curtiszzzchicago]

Oh boy ... My mother's been on this since my sister and dad they her in a hospital psychiatric ward alone for 2 weeks, after I begged everybody for two years for help with her diagnosis, and got thrown in jail far a couple days.... After slapping my dad the day before I had medical help coming to the house to see what we should start doing, and my dad wouldn't leave her alone in a mean way while she was throwing multiple coffee in cups at him, leading her to grab a nice and trying to stab herself.... I f'ing hate the hospital, sheriff, and aberbidy that I called on for help. Ok, breathing,,, now to watch. Thanks for sharing.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Wow, @Curtis ZZZ Chicago, it sounds like you and your family have been dealing with a lot for a while. I'm so sorry that's happening to all of you. I'm wondering if you might want to learn more about brain change or how to communicate with someone changing. Please check out the friends and family section of our website (teepasnow.com/resources/for-families-and-friends/) or even our what is dementia (teepasnow.com/about-dementia). You can also find more resources once you visit the site. Breathing is a very good thing - keep doing that please.

[@leecairns421]

Keep them occupied....and keep clocks out of sight. Baskets of spare socks and linen for folding are always around in our facility...the ladies love it.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, 2leecairns421, glad that the ladies love it! Thanks for sharing.

[@shawnii7181]

Would a surrogate family/ sudo family work? Create routines with her and give her responsibilities and routines that are "weighty" and require a schedule and positions of responsibility/ dependability within her community? If she has no family to maintain that necessity within her, can you foster one in her community?

[@teepasnowvideos]

Great suggestions, @shawnii7181! Fostering connections in the community, what a wonderful idea. Thanks for sharing.

[@anitadroddy7721]

My dad has always loved just being home and he has never wanted to travel. He is home but he talks about wanting to go home because he can't find anything in this place where he is staying. He says they did a good job making it look like his home. He is always wanting to get his cat and dog and put them in the car and getting his coat so he will be ready to go home. It is so sad and we do not know sometime how to respond to make him feel like he is home. Help!

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hey, @Anita Droddy, thanks for sharing a bit about your dad and his need to go home. If you'd like to learn more, consider this video (shop.teepasnow.com/product/i-want-to-go-home-recorded-webinar/) or visit Teepa's TikTok channel (www.tiktok.com/@teepasnow?) and then search "go home Teepa Snow"

[@patriciavandevelde5469]

Jezus,why can we not fall asleep and never wake up anymore????

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hey @Patricia Vandevelde, I'm not sure why we may not want to get up the next day, but I'm glad for finding some joy in the moment every day. If you would ever like to talk about things, please contact us at [e-mail] or 1-877-877-1671.

[@Cool_boy258]

Sounds to me like she's homesick

[@teepasnowvideos]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, @Isimpforthetvwomen!

[@susandouglas185]

Im taking care of a client now who says she misses her mother, I wanna go home. Asks me if I'm her mother. I give her a big hug and tell her I love her. I ask her what is your mother's name. I ask her if she wants to write her a letter or call her. She remembers her name. And then I ask her where she lives. She cant remember.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @Susan Douglas, it sounds like you are doing a lot of things to help your client talk about her mother. I wonder if you ask her does she need to talk to her or something else what type of answer you might get. You may find that she is wanting to rest, eat, or something else and thinking of her mom is her way of asking about that. Keep trying to connect and helping her feel loved - nice job! If you'd like to know more, you may want to check out this video (shop.teepasnow.com/product/i-want-to-go-home-recorded-webinar/) or read this blog article (teepasnow.com/blog/how-to-calm-a-person-living-with-dementia-who-is-wanting-to-go-home/)

[@elainegoad9777]

Long Term Institutions are not a "home" ! Who wants to to be forced to live in such a place ?

[@teepasnowvideos]

Thanks for sharing your opinion, @elainegoad9777. I'm wondering if there were things that we could do to make long term care places feel more like a home. What do you think? Would proper training of staff, a desire to see everyone as people (including staff), and maybe having an environment where there is positivity and not pressure work? If you'd like to discuss, please reach out to us at [e-mail] or 1-877-877-1671.

[@stevosd60]

Can't get my wife to wash her hair... She doesn't wash anymore and says she doesn't care. How do I get some enthusiasm for washing?

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi there, thanks for reaching out. Sorry to hear about the difficult situation. Here are some links that could be helpful. Let us know if we can help any other way. Thanks! teepasnow.com/blog/11-tips-for-bathing-a-person-living-with-dementia/ kzbin.info/www/bejne/o3rUnpeOnLt6hdksi=Hj3KagfEvl5I0p9D

[@LauraNeiman]

Where is the full video

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @LauraNeiman, so we talk about this topic a lot and I'm not sure which video you are wanting. Here are a few options for your to check out (kzbin.info/www/bejne/l5OsZHR-hZeGatU) or (kzbin.info/www/bejne/ppfVfHmcjdCYmqs). You can also reach out to our team and we may be able to help you find other resources, depending on your situation. Please email [e-mail] or call us at 1-877-877-1671.

[@Charlesmarcel-ee4ke]

That’s not for everybody

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @Marcel page1972, you are so right that this is not for everyone. Thanks for commenting and if you ever want to talk about things, please connect with us att 1-877-877-1671 or [e-mail]

[@sandyboswell6292]

My husband is bedfast and is very anxious to go somewhere. For awhile I found having him use the urinal solved most of his anxiety. Now, however, he has a catheter, so that isn’t the problem. The most he can read is a newspaper headline. He can’t do any activities. He’s unable even to roll over by himself. He can only watch TV for hours on end. I have to be careful what he watches on TV because he gets it confused with reality. I wonder if he’s bored or just needs activity to work off some energy. But I’m at my wit’s end knowing what to do. It’s hard to distract him when he can do so little.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Wow @Sandy Boswell, it sounds like things are difficult for both you and your husband. Please give us a call or contact us to set up a free 30-minute consult to discuss some ideas. Call 1-877-877-1671 or email [e-mail].

[@rebeccabrown5014]

My mother is in later stages of dementia and even though she is living in her home of 32 years with her husband, she sundowns most days and goes into her, “I want to go home!” For a while, she talked about her deceased parents as if they were living and her brother who she seeing occasionally. So, even though my mom’s life is pretty much the same, stable home life that she has had for over 32 years, she still becomes distressed and insists on going home. Some days, there is a twist in that she thinks she is someone else’s home but is upset because her furniture and things are in someone else’s home.

[@passionatesingle]

My mum still lives in her home of 61yrs and a lot of the time doesn't recognize it. Shd too at first would say why are my things in this house but not nowadays. It always happens in the evenings with sundowning and it usually lasts about an hour and experiences feelings of abandonment by her family especially her mum, who has been dead 30yrs and by her husband my dad when she doesn't recognize him. Its very sad to see her cry like that. Usually taking her for a drive for about 30 mins works for me.

[@TheGeekMonster]

Maybe you could keep some photo albums or other memorabilia nearby, and when she starts talking about certain people or places from the past, bring those out and try to steer her towards pleasant, happy memories. That way, even if she's "stuck" on a particular person or memory, you might be able to direct it towards a more pleasant or positive feeling for her, until it passes? Or if she starts thinking it's her furniture in another house, ask where she got a particular piece, and then ask her to talk about the story of how she got it, and try to keep it as something light and upbeat and distracting. Just ideas!

[@teepasnowvideos]

Sounds like maybe your mom is lost in place and time. Perhaps the next time she says this, you can ask her to tell you more...could she be talking about a different house that she lived in? Her childhood home?

[@teepasnowvideos]

The change of scenery for this evening transition is a great idea!

[@DvoBelenky]

I don't know if this is so for others, but my mother often says she wants to go home when one of her basic physical needs isn't sufficient: Either she's thirsty, hungry, tired, or has to use the bathroom or diaper. She seems to be saying that she needs her mother's care. Not always, but I hope it helps someone.

[@tpwright]

I'm not a professional caregiver, but my sister-in-law has early onset Alzheimer's and I'm trying to educate myself. If the resident in this example can do word puzzles, would it be possible to engage her in some simple games, like...if you say a word, then she would choose a word that starts with the last letter of your word? And then your word would start with the last letter of her word. Would that distract her and allow you to get your work done too? I'm learning there are many different levels of dementia.....my sister-in-law would not be able to play a game like that.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hi, @tpwright, thanks for sharing your idea. It might be interesting to try.

[@debbievinsant4610]

I think she has had a trauma at some point. I would dig and dig to find out her story call past facilities, hospital social workers go all the way to the beginning of how she ended up in the facility someone took her to the hospital. Does she ever mention names kids husband friends she said a neighbor visited what can the neighbor tell you about her family maybe where she worked or what she did. If I couldn’t find out anything more about her life I would tell her I understood and I’m going to help her I would latch my arm under hers and walk quietly at first everytime she said I have to get home I would say yes I understand and I’m going to get you there and walk some more maybe around the building outside then calmly I would distract her with the stars flowers what a nice night it is or it’s kinda nippy out should we go in and get a sweater laugh and say do you feel me shaking I’m trying not to but sometimes I just can’t help it. Distraction walking smell that is that snow I smell or rain use her other senses things like I’m not going to pay the gardener if he don’t do a better job look at those weeds anything to keep her focused on other things everytime she says I have to get home say oh yes I’m going to help you keep walking and distracting start yawning I’m so sleepy how about you I need to brush my teeth dose my breath smell bad tell me honestly your my best friend don’t let me walk around with bad breath. I would use smell sight and weather to stimulate other areas of her brain mocking motions like yawning repeatedly saying I’m tiered shall we go to bed I expect you to make me eggs in the morning. I’ve had similar situations and I think keeping them calm and using senses breathing and distraction is the best thing. Takes patience and time.

[@teepasnowvideos]

Hey, @Debbie Vinsant! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[@nanolight4337]

Buying a camping toilet for laundry room mum thinks it’s a great place to go to the bathroom and will fight for her right to go pee where she wants to! Drew pictures of toilet and put on walls with where to go mum believes nobody listens to nobody is a three yr old brat in an 84 yr old body and will sword fight you with her cane. She wants to go home but hoarding 51 stray cats into your home destroyed it!

[@teepasnowvideos]

Wow, @Nano Light, it sounds like your mum and you have been dealing with a lot of issues. Please connect with us if you'd like to talk more ([e-mail] or [e-mail])

[@theguywhoispissed5170]

E.T téléphone Maison 😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@teepasnowvideos]

@The Guy Who is pissed, interesting response. If you would like to know more about "I Want to Go Home', you may want to check out these videos (teepasnow.com/search/?search=go%20home) or check out our podcasts (teepasnow.com/services/talk-show/)

[@dawncloninger1798]

I would edefinately run with the Ohio State University and even the tailgate...I would make her a hat, flag etc...let her draw football stadium...if she is the boss of Ohio college theme...she is being useful

[@teepasnowvideos]

Nice added ideas, @dawn Cloninger! Thanks.