Is lying to someone with dementia bad?

Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)
In today’s video, I am sharing my personal opinion on lying to someone with dementia. Lying has so many negative connotations but when it comes to dementia, sometimes lying can help relieve your loved one of unnecessary anxiety, distress, or pain. In this video, I share how to tell the difference between lying to help your loved one and lying for personal gain. I also talk about a different way to think about lying in dementia that a wonderful Careblazer shared with me. I do hope this helps.
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In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacare

[@veldalowery]

YOU nailed it...I have never agreed with anyone more than I agree with you in this episode... I thank you for opening the curtain of understanding for me... so that I can... even if only for that moment... feel the sunlight on my face... This journey has the remarkable ability to drive me to the darkest and loneliest edge... on that edge... I have heard your messages of hope and support... it is then that I realize...my precious little Moma and I are not alone...we are understood... respected... appreciated... acknowledged... and in our world of lost memories... we are remembered... for that... thank you seems inadequate... but with all that I have...I thank you my friend.

[@bonnielist6411]

I love the compassionate lying idea. It will help with my father.

[@jannalynn1137]

First, my DH is in a fairly mild phase of Parkinson's dementia. He lies constantly to cover up his forgetfulness of his mistakes. He is still able to realize when he should know something and doesn't. So he will lie his way through it, rather than say he forgot. He will never, ever use that word "forgot." I think it terrifies him, since he has been diagnosed with dementia recently. I have suspected he had dementia for quite some time. For this reason alone, it will not bother me in the LEAST to lie to him about ANYTHING when this progresses, either to make things either easier for him or for me.

[@Allenda100]

Thank you so much...I am crying with relief. God bless you for posting..😊

[@teresalohan6946]

Thank you very much. I am incredibly happy that I found this KZbin channel. My siblings and I are just starting to deal with my mother who has Alzheimer's and it is slowly progressing. It has been difficult reacting to her behaviors and conversation. It is so easy to respond in just our usual way which does not help the situation at all. I think these videos will be very helpful in helping to rewire us so that we can deal with her in a more compassionate and empathetic way. I have passed on the link to my family members

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Wishing you, your siblings, and your mother all the best! I love the way you refer to rewiring...that's exactly what it is.

[@TheJaq12]

I agree totally this is a daily learning curve for everyone involved

[@roseculp2924]

I have recently come to the conclusion its more important to keep my loved one calm and happy. So if I gotta lie to the disease, I will. Its not easy but it's worth the effort!!! Thank you!!!

[@TheJaq12]

Rose Culp Amen

[@janburdick1726]

A topic I would love to see you cover is hallucinations. My husband has Parkinson’s and the dementia that accompanies it. He has very vivid hallucinations, both visual and auditory. He started Nuplazid about a year ago and it was a miracle. Unfortunately the hallucinations are coming back. Still “friendly “ at this point, but before the Nuplazid they were very malicious. How can I help him realize that the visions he has are illusions without upsetting him. At first he jokes about them and is capable of understanding they aren’t really here, but then it gets so he’s more upset with me trying to help him, so obviously I’m not helping, I’m just making it worse. I’m fine with going along with the “friendlies “ but would like ways to help him with the “hostiles”

[@timlonggone]

😮 OMGoodnes You’re bringing truth out about what I have to do with my mother,, thank you so much.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Tim Long you are welcome!

[@sheiladevin6034]

Thankyou. I've always called them loving lies. You presented this well and compassionately.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

That is a great name as well!

[@sarahcrain8083]

I'm finding myself in more and more situations, where being honest with my loved one just makes matters worse. There are times when he appears to have presence of mind and a pretty good understanding of reality. It's during those episodes of clarity, when he tends to make statements or ask questions. Where I find my replies of truth to be like walking into a trap. As if I just opened Pandora's box to his pent up hostility, anger and verbal abuse. Sometimes deception is not only to protect the feelings of the patient with dementia. Sometimes deception is necessary to protect the caregivers.

[@shawangunknaturepreserve1194]

This is so helpful and relieves guilt feelings.

[@patriciastarkey4951]

Alzheimer’s support group I attend call it therapeutic fibs or living lies. Really helps. Love this video❤️

[@adubs6646]

I’ve found that it’s necessary to compassionate lie to my LO. I’m a temporary careblazer who will be going home soon and she knows it (sometimes) Every time she asks if I’m staying with them I’ve learned to say yes. At first I told her that yes, I would be going home soon and it caused her GREAT distress. Considering she doesn’t remember any of our daily conversations I definitely don’t feel any guilt about this. It really is out smarting the disease in my opinion as well because for that fleeting moment the disease didn’t win:)

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Absolutely! You are doing a great job, keep it up!

[@reneeepona]

Its called Therapeutic Lying. I can answer this without watching the video. No. Lying to dementia patients is not bad and in fact is necessary because trying to get your loved one to do something without lying is like trying to herd cats sometimes. So at times you just have to manipulate and lie to get things done for their best interest. Just makes things easier on everybody.

[@robinjameshartley7673]

The argument being made here appears to be that the only consideration we need to have about lying is our intentions and how we ourselves feel about lying to patients. I'm more concerned with the many potential negative outcomes from the misuse of lying. I think its incredibly important that people consider the risks of further distress, causing feelings of disrespect, distrust, further confusion and contradiction when they lie. All the same reasons why everyday lying is considered wrong are still valid here. I'm sure there are times when a lie can be the best choice to help somebody, but if its a first resort all the time it can be a terrible idea. Caregivers ought to give serious consideration to the possible outcomes from telling a lie before considering it as an option.

[@laurabrown129]

Thank you very much itwasa huge eye opener. I now after watching this definitely understandwhatsgoinh on now. Thank you I did have to compasses lye to Mt mom to. Protect her . Thank you very much

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Glad it was helpful!

[@shawangunknaturepreserve1194]

The essence of any good religion is kindness. In such situations, lies are practicing kindness. Biblical advice is best considered as a guide not an absolute. (I would lie about the whereabouts of a loved one if asked by someone who wanted to hurt them. ).I’ve been a ministers wife for 50 years.

[@traiysilyin9478]

I always tell my mom the truth Lying to her has never been an option...

[@wearevenom74]

You beat me to asking about compassionate lying. Thank you for the video. I have a question about feeding our loved ones. They forget about eating. Do we feed them again? Or are we wrong for feeding them again. Only knowing it will make them sick. Either way I feel we both lose. Becuase if I remind my grand aunt she already ate, gets very angry with me. >_

[@clownbaby7224]

My mom died a few years ago, my dad has vascular dementia and doesn't remember that, he still thinks she's alive. Every day I had to wake up and tell my dad that mom drowned a few years ago and he'd cry all day. Now I tell him she's on vacation. It breaks my heart because I know I'm lying, but now he doesn't cry all day. Truth be told, none of this brings me peace completely because I know I'm lying and it breaks my heart.

[@frankenfoamy]

Are there short stories with accurate portrayal of a character with dementia?

[@rustystiers7302]

I hope I'm in the right place I became my mom's caregiver about 2 years ago after my father died unexpectedly . Since that time Mama's had a brother and several longtime family friends pass away . On occasion the subject of one of them especially her brother will come up , and she will ask if this person has died . And of course there's always the question did my brother / friend die. If I answer truthfully , it generally distresses her for not remembering . I have been caught in lies before ( compassion lieing ) And as we all know , IT'S NEVER GOOD COULD BE CAUGHT LYING TO YOUR MOM ! In this case what do YOU believe is the right thing to do ? I would say this happens at least a half a dozen times a month .

[@MaryGonzalez-rf8ed]

Thinking of bringing husband home.....any advice..PLEASE.

[@drugtv6490]

Thank you

[@Rose-nh9kr]

Great help I’ve tried compassionate lying with my husband and he’s do much happier and so am I. You are so so helpful

[@eddieben1231]

My husband pees wherever he thinks the toilet is. He continually pees all over the house. He claims he can’t find the bathroom or the bedroom door is locked. I’ve tried leaving the light on in bathroom and leave the bedroom door open. It’s still happening even with the lights and the unlock door. He does not want to wear pull ups or anything like that. Please help me figure out to stop peeing every where. Thank you Janet Scobell

[@angelawillard871]

Scriptures say lying is a sin no matter how you try to disguise it. I'm with a dementia patient and lying will not take place! Gentle distraction works. Hell isn't worth 1 lie to anyone for any reason.

[@thandie67]

ANGELA WILLARD That is what works for you. For some of us therapeutic lying is good ok it hurts no-one stop being satimonious.

[@TheJaq12]

ANGELA WILLARD perhaps as the dementia progresses you may be more enlightened

[@veldalowery]

Gracious...

[@angelawillard871]

No one can sugar coat lying! As you chose 1 lie, you are choosing Hell as a destination! Prepare to meet your God

[@veldalowery]

bless your heart...

[@terrydactylspontaneous2596]

That means every dementia patient is going to hell as they all lie. I think you don’t understand the fundamentals of who goes to heaven and who goes to hell. Read the scriptures you like quoting as that will help.

[@lrennie1255]

Don’t be silly.