Depersonalization ( I created this melody when I was sure I didn't exist )

for several years I did a lot of derealization and depersonalization, I wrote this melody when I was convinced that nothing or even I existed
Spotify: open.spotify.com/intl-fr/arti...
Instagram: / baal_pangol

[@karanaima]

This is legitimately what dissociating feels like. Its restless and at the same time constant energy. It never ends and it also never truly began. It always was and never was. Nothing is tangible, only numb sensations that seem hallucinated at best. No way to cling to anything that feels real anymore. Solely a fleeting remembrance of a time and a place where existing would be possible, without any path to access it, and no way to know if it's a product of your imagination or anything more.

[@karanaima]

I grew up dissociated from my body because my mother abused me sexually as a child. I have known that feeling for my entire life. There were periods of calm, and periods of intense dissociation throughout my life. This song perfectly captures the feeling, and I mean perfectly in the literal sense of the word

[@karanaima]

I know it's somewhat dry to read but If you have time to you should check volume 3 of the world as will and representation from Schopenhauer, he had such and understanding of art. What you are expressing here through this piece of music is the very Idea (in Schopenhauer's sense of it) of dissociation/depersonalization in a direct and immediate way

[@leafyclass]

@@karanaima i'll check it out, thank you. i've also been derealized/dissociated/depersonalized for as long as i can remember due to trauma.

[@See-Oh-Dee-Why]

I was starting to space out as your comment popped up when it like shows you random comments and was like damn you’re right 😂

[@ileryon4019]

Ok. so de realization feels like C D E G. NOTED.

[@louiewentmissing]

This hit home. For a while, creating music was the perfect way for me to express my artistry. In a time of great suffering, it was the only viable way I had to make my dreams of creation come true. By combining my love for art, storytelling, philosophy, pop culture, sound and psychology with my personal experiences, I was able to unleash near limitless amounts of emotion into anything that I created. The opportunities that music held enticed me like nothing else. I could paint my own world, my own unique sound just by putting together a couple of notes. I didn't need to conform to any genres, any how-to's, I could just.. Create. And to me that was beautiful. However - I grew too ambitious. As my personal life was ramping up with struggles, the once 16 year old who made music for fun became lost. He fell into a trap. Not only was my family situation getting worse, but I couldn't handle it much longer. All I wanted to do was disappear. From the day I started, I always foresaw one specific kind of album that I wanted to make. It was music bending. It was immersive, with deep and enriched emotional value which took advantage of an experimental, mostly instrumental approach to make room for the music to speak for itself, and to leave room for as much interpretation and replay value on the listener's part. This album would take everything from my love of what I mentioned earlier, all of my pent up emotions, and use them both to create a beautiful, versatile, and imaginative experience. After the regretful decisions I made during my aforementioned state of crisis, which include the deletion of my two previous BandLab accounts (The platform I used to make music), that once dream album finally became a reality. I have it posted on my channel right now, under the playlist "Lewis - Cortex (Full Album)." If you'd like, you can check it out, I hope you enjoy it and give your thoughts if you do decide to. EDIT: I just thought I'd be nice to share my story, you done a phenomenal job on this melody.

[@Pangol]

thank you for your story, I gonna listen to this ❤

[@louiewentmissing]

@@Pangol no problem, and thank you!! I'd love to hear what you think of what I made :)

[@topaziscringeverycringe8532]

This was beautiful man.

[@ak1noma]

I aint readin allat

[@louiewentmissing]

@@Pangol I just posted a Visualizer for the album if you wanna check it out!!!

[@antoine.2018]

This melody conveys real emotions tho

[@Pangol]

thanks Antoine 🙏

[@TheRealGauravBhandari]

it feels like separation. like you once had something/were a part of something and it was gradually taken from you.

[@MendelDanzo]

This song is like a mental breakdown in a tune. It’s more than “IDK”, or “welp”, it’s just a yell, a bloodcurdling scream as you realize that life sometimes doesn’t feel like it should be lived. As the song progresses, you grow wistful of the old days and remember your original self, and you realize that by going further down this rabbit-hole of self-destruction and apathy, you will alienate yourself from those memories that you hold dear. But despite that, you get back into your state of rage and continue losing your sense of self, your reason to live for, and your mind. Brilliant music. Need more.

[@Pangol]

@@MendelDanzo 🙏🏽

[@Ocelcinion]

This is absolutely stunning. I love every single transitory melody you use to link things together, each little pause and linger, everything. I really feel something with this, and I'm barely to the end of my first listen.

[@Pangol]

Thank you so much ❤️

[@encrypted6957]

i've got OCD, hyperautonomic hyperarousal, and a rare condition that makes be constantly hallucinate called VSS - the whole package. as a result, constant anxiety, and a constant state of dissociation. it's been this way for five years. nearly led me to suicide many times. i'm still in it, and i truly wish that I could get out. however, it's very calming to hear other people know how it feels - and this melody captures it so perfectly. the emotion, the numbness, it feels so familiar to me, pray for me that I can escape this, please, and stay strong for anyone else experiencing similar emotions

[@pooferfloofer]

praying for you!

[@TheoShahh]

“Hallucinate”. Most likely vss is something the eyes of everyone catches, but the brains of those with vss just don’t filter out. Though there are things like afterimages, which I am unsure of, but I still wouldn’t specify that as hallucinations. I have vss myself btw. I have also had a very hard time the last 2 and some years because of some diseases that have led to me developing OCD, anxiety and probably depression, so I really hope you get out of “it” (as well as myself). I’ve found myself looking at my situation from above recently instead, so that I can “ration my supplies” (Tend to my mental health) with more clarity, which really helps. If I feel really bad, like close to killing myself, I’ll eat candy, blast music in my ears, etc - and because I’m looking at it from above, I can do it without being too unhealthy, or lose my hearing (to a bad degree at least). Good luck otherwise, and I hope to god doctors, or at least someone, is helping you - Otherwise, it often gives you too much responsibility to handle everything wisely. Also, i am pretty sure VSS isn’t that rare - literally, out of everyone I’ve asked, way more people than not has had the exact same thing (most of the asked are non-family btw). I’ve probably asked about 10

[@encrypted6957]

@@TheoShahh My brains interpretation causes of the VSS causes me to see vivid hallucinations of people, monsters, sounds, and feelings when I go to bed and wake up, sometimes in the middle of the night. Most psychiatrists only deal with about one VSS case in their lifetime, statistically it is extremely rare

[@encrypted6957]

@@TheoShahh People see snow particles sometimes. That’s not VSS - it comes with pretty disturbing snow that inhibits your from your daily life and I’ve got ringing in my ears constantly that hasn’t gone away for five years. Not sure what your case is though

[@encrypted6957]

@@TheoShahh Regardless I sympathize with you and understand the symptoms. All we can do is trust in God and develop new skills every day to deal with them. I like your analogy of looking at the situation from above

[@koyomiee1446]

i suffer from the severe "i don't exist" combo, depersonalization, derealization and dissociation. and, i couldnt help but notice. your melody sounds like happiness to me, like when i feel alive, when i'm with friends, riding my bike, or racing karts, even playing the piano in music class, when i don't need to constantly remind myself that i exist in these moments, and your melody reminds me of these moments. i hope we all can find ourselves one day, and i sure hope one day (soon), i gather the courage to place my feelings into art like this. thank you for reminding me that i'm not alone

[@stephanenathan8034]

You’ll get better.

[@AlphaLynx_RL]

This is the best composition of ALL time, no one can argue. Not just because of the piece, but the story behind it as well. When I was 11-12, I felt like I was watching a movie of my life, with no way to change it. My friends would all leave me and my father died, who was the one who taught me music composition. Such a sad series of events in my life didn't even feel like it happened, it just felt that it was the next part of the grim movie that I was watching. It seemed that nothing could capture the things going in my head, until I found this on my youtube search page.I gave it a listen and I my once broken mind snapped in an instant. I realized that composing was the only way I could cure my dissociation. So, when I was about to turn 13, I started working on it. Eventually, I made a piece (Blue Reverie), to pour my thoughts out onto a simple piece of paper. I feel better now, but listening to this piece reminds me of the dark times I went through back then. Every day I still listen to this piece just to remember that I shouldn't take for granted that I am no longer dissociated. Even nowadays I still feel like the world isn't real. After all, it seems scientifically impossible for everything to exist. Maybe we are all simulations, who knows? I know this seems like a little bit too much, but your piece saved me. From further going into dissociation. Therefore, I would like to thank you for this piece, it gave me a sense of reality, that I wasn't alone during this time of darkness. That someone else with my exact problem could compose something so beautiful. Keep composing, maybe you'll save someone else just like you did to me. (By the way, I just turned 13, which is when depression usually starts settling in. If it wasn't for this piece, perhaps I would've still been in dissociation and perhaps even killed myself to escape the dark movie. So that's why I believe this piece saved me)

[@Pangol]

Thank you so much my G if you want to talk don’t hesitate on insta. Love you

[@ChuckSploder]

everything technically cannot exist, but it does

[@-Robert]

only argument needed is "subjectivity"

[@seyj7457]

Stumbled onto this from secondhand recommended, and I'm very glad I did. This is like the theme for a villain that you sympathize with so much you can't even call them one. Feels like a far-off tragedy, or seeing a broken world through a mirror.

[@Fire_Axus]

your feelings are irrational

[@ExtrovertedEntity]

@@Fire_Axus your comment is irrational. Everyone has different perspectives especially when it comes to art and that's what this is. You are simply wrong.

[@lucaspoon4202]

Evil exists. And the most deceptive method of evil is to dispel truth by making it seem as if evil doesn't actually exist. That it's all perspective. That it's okay to hate good. The only good thing is God. He loves you and sent His son to die for you at a time when humans should've received death.. As long as you believe in Him and His goodness then you will be saved. As long as you humble yourself and do not value yourself over God, your creator, you will see goodness and evil for what they are. No human can do this without God. Let Him soften your heart. I feel for you as i feel for all struggling ppl, but good things are not our right and we were never entitled to them. When you suffer, to be angry at the universe or God is to declare that you deserve better. But why? You have capacity for good, but only God can unlock it fully and help you see things with his eyes.

[@seyj7457]

@@lucaspoon4202 my brother in christ, this is a music comp

[@ExtrovertedEntity]

@@lucaspoon4202 I like your funny words, magic man.

[@jigsaucemusic]

I had it too. Never got treatment, and the feeling went on for over a year. During that gap in my life I wanted to do nothing but make music. Everything else felt pointless. To anyone going thru it right now, do not push it off. Get help. There is so much beauty in being alive. Great melody btw!

[@TrumanAndrew]

Wow. Every single note here is absolutely perfect. This is one of the best pieces of music I have heard in a long time. Fantastic work!!!

[@Pangol]

Thank you you touch my heart 🙏🏽

[@parkerdodson3350]

Amazing. I've suffered from severe OCD and as a result, depersonalization. It hit me hard for about 2 years nonstop while I was graduating college. Your melody perfectly captures the feeling; depression mixed with anxiety followed by periods of temporary peace.

[@Pangol]

Thanks you so much 🙏🏽

[@y2kbbie]

imagine some ghostly, eerie, almost heavenly vocals singing dark lyrics over this...CHILLS

[@Carlo99yehey]

or someone narrating a creepypasta lol

[@innsomniaccoffee6988]

This is shockingly grounding, honestly. Stumbled across this while dissociating really hard, there's so much emotion and the notes run like water. Kind of like a creek, flowing around where rocks jut up from the water. It helped me focus on something.

[@braeden29221]

yeah this is the sound of depersonalization. I'm not even sure how to put into words what I want to say, but this is the 4 months preceding my previous 2. I realized listening to this that that's what I was experiencing because, at least to me, this is...... I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say, but I will say that after listening to this my heart is racing and chest tight because I just relived and revisualised in a new way those 4 months. I don't know if a song has ever been a truer recreation of pure emotion, which by nature is impossible to fully express, in language, all its nuance and visceral-ness. I'm reminded of a line in a 90's country song where the singer says there was another artist who was already well known and renown who, on the topic of being a good musician, asked him "can you make people feel the way you feel?" which in this case, specifically for me, has never been truer

[@braeden29221]

After writing that comment and reading some of the other comments, if I had one recommendation for you, I would say don't listen or really even consider the suggestions and recommendations that some of the comments make. The likeability of a song to an individual is largely based on how predictable it is to them. There's a spectrum of predictability in sounds where its white noise on one end and a sin wave on the other. There's a band in the middle that we call music which has heavy metal screamo on one end (unpredictable) and something like Beethoven, Ode to Joy or Canon in D on the other. Where the people are suggesting something be different or added is where you slightly deviated from their intuitive prediction of where the song should've led to, and the choice of where it should've is no one else's but yours, the artist. They'll listen to it a few more times and understand the flow of it and it will "grow" on them. This is what is meant when someone says a song "grew" on them. I've long listened to songs and thought "I could make that better" or "he should've gone this direction with the song" and those are the thoughts people are detailing in these types of comments. I only say this to you because it worries me when artists are faced with such unwarranted critiques and this goes for artists of any size; taylor swift and joe shmoe alike. I just think in general small artists are more susceptible to over-intaking these critiques which only hamper, hinder, and disrupt the creative process and flow because smaller artists have many more "mutuals" on the status hierarchy. I also say "in general" because the ones who aren't in that general group are the ones who can move the world with their songs and all I know is that I was very moved by this one. Thanks for listening to my TED talk, disregard it because who am I? a random idiot. And keep making this awesome music for us. Please and thank you 🙏

[@braeden29221]

but fr tho i have a hypocritical suggestion. call it a request. I just want to hear this with some hardy reverb lmao

[@Pangol]

I understand your felling you went through, it really touches me. love you

[@arthuraraujo101]

I swear the first seconds i listened to it i got shivers

[@Pangol]

🙏🏽

[@penguinz1234567]

I'm glad you're around to create this.

[@AryFemMtF]

♥️ sometimes, words aren't needed, listening is just enough :)

[@EmbeddedSystems_Shius]

This is really beautiful - but also empty. It captures the feeling of being in a dissociative state very well. In it's polish, it's still rather raw. It sounds pretty - but with an undercurrent of pain in the background, if that makes sense. I relate to it quite well, and I legitimately thought it was REALLY beautiful - so I wanted to let you know :D Thank you for making this :)

[@MusicWithFreeInstruments]

this is so emotional dude, good job! 🔥🫶

[@Pangol]

Thanks so much 🫠❤️

[@geo3106]

The music is melodic enough to produce the right amount of emotion, mellow and low enough to evoke the right emotion, and repetitive enough to make me feel the same, like unchanging nothingness. It truly deserves more. A beautiful track, Pangol.

[@OgakuMusic]

good shit, i feel like you could've expanded on some little ideas like the run at 1:27, could've been a whole section

[@Pangol]

thank you ❤, I didn't want it to be too much

[@cosarara1312]

Y E S

[@ac5788]

Who we are lives in the soul.

[@SoulSwordZ]

I can't explain how or why, but this gives me strong To Zanarkand from FFX vibes, thank you for triggering a string of emotions 10-13 year old me felt constantly replaying FFX and hearing that song.

[@NordemRay]

So beautiful. Thank you for this.

[@ash-tj7vp]

this is really beautiful, thank you. adding this song to my "songs you wish you could hear again for the first time" list

[@Alwaysjustwheels]

Thank you, I’m going through really difficult time right now. Your song randomly played in my recommended, it really helped. Thank you. I am glad you were able to find peace in this song when you were struggling. Keep up with good work you’re really talented.

[@Pangol]

Thank you bro you touch my heart with your message

[@Catherine77144]

By the end of this video I have tears in my eyes. I haven't cried for a while, so thank you for feeling myself alive again.

[@Pangol]

Thanks to you

[@lordstumpy2945]

I really enjoyed listening to this, it was comforting. For someone who has also struggled a lot with dpdr I know It’s a sucky experience, excruciating at times. Thanks for sharing this song, all the best to you.

[@KhrysKrypto]

i was going down my usual rabbit hole of piano songs and this.. this hits it. im glad i found this. its hard to describe something when nothing feels real in the first place.

[@jobvanhetkaar8848]

I suffer from derealisation and depersonalisation. Luckily not as much as a few years ago. This song really reminds me of the helplessness and feeling of not being able to do anything about the feeling of panic and stress and not knowing how to explain it to anyone. Great song

[@annabradbury2282]

great shit. keep up the good work.

[@Pangol]

thaanks Anna 💥

[@emmassaltyrants2821]

this was absolutely wonderful. i relate so much. full of such depth; beautiful, but you can also still sense the underlying anxiety.

[@Pangol]

thanks so much Emma 🙏

[@Naemeiros]

You put your soul in that one I can feel it, it's just amazing how music can convey emotions. You truly embodied what you felt in this song and that's beautiful thank you.

[@Pangol]

Thanks so much ☀️🙏🏽

[@Rhombus209]

Beautiful. I think we all go through periods of this when we are trying to be an artist.

[@deepsea5348]

I’m glad you’re real. I’m glad you’re here.

[@Pangol]

❤

[@LucasJams]

0:39 my favourite part is this bit, so simple but so good, this tune has inspired me so much with songs i've been writing!!

[@BaboonSpeedruns]

This deserves millions of views

[@ohmagawd802]

i usually never comment on any video i see but this is the exception i just have to say, this is a masterpiece and probably rivals some of the newest songs, you deserve more recognition and subs, keep up the great work man, each time i listen to it, it just gets better and better and i notice even more things that i didnt before. This is probably the only song that i have ever heard that truly defines emotion.

[@Pangol]

Thank you so much 🙏🏽❤️

[@Luminn_]

one of the best things I've ever heard... absolutely beautiful (This is like my 5th time coming back here)

[@joannamblount]

So beautiful

[@Pangol]

💥❤

[@Unakang]

we come up with the best stuff in dark places. all my friends have a good idea where my head was at when they first hear something new. love it dude (~);-} NFA

[@barbecuedsimsbaby]

This music is real to me and for you to have made it with all the complexities it takes, that makes you a thousand times realer. In a time you did not know you existed, you made a part of you as hard to keep, explain and observe as smoke in a jar, a permanent piece. That is an incredible feat.

[@Pangol]

Thank you so much 🙏

[@simonrug1869]

Absolutely beatiful

[@Pangol]

Thank you simon 🙌

[@JackSpencer-ek5fh]

this is beautiful, keep up the good work man :)

[@mayleespann4552]

as someone who dissociates under duress, I deeply identify with this piece. and yet I also see the irony of it: no one who doesn’t exist could create a thing of beauty like this. it is profoundly human, and evidence that you were, and are, real.

[@PASSINGPERPLEXITY]

This is beautiful.

[@julianchih3925]

this is fucking incredible man, keep up the good work!

[@TheHuMahveen]

Need a 2hr long version of this

[@W1ntumn]

I love this, it's so pretty, at some points i feel like I don't like it but then I realize that part I didn't like was a great way to lead into the good part and that, that part is good now and it works well with the melody

[@FainaMusic]

wow i like this melody !! Great work man! The build is phenomenal and the chords are soo touching... ❤‍🔥❤‍🔥❤‍🔥❤‍🔥🔥🔥

[@dogman3362]

How TF does this not have more view, this is literal magic.

[@oliverrhys5351]

would love a download of this, feels like derealization episodes for me, hits weirdly hard and I have no clue how you captured this kind of emotion in sound in a way so many people seem to agree with, it’s rare I see “dissociation music” (as I like to put it)

[@Pangol]

Thank you Oliver 💫

[@SpicyKermit]

As someone with depersonalization/derealization disorder, this music is very good at representing that feeling, and i can relate to this very much.

[@Devonx777]

I think, therefore, I suffer

[@Beatsbasteln]

Since I don't have a condition that involves depersonalization (only ADD) I can not comment on how accurate that is. But I think it is a beautiful piece and if I was able to compose like you my music would be a lot better

[@nyahchuu5898]

It is beautiful. The feels, the uncertainty, but at the same time some conviction hidden behind? I love every aspect of it!

[@bruhmoment8119]

it like forcibly moved me to tears and my full body got chills. thank you man, you did a really good job.

[@roomconcertguy]

this is amazing

[@Pangol]

Thank you very much

[@payshi]

This is a fantastic work of art. As someone who has (fortunately) experienced depersonalization a few times in the worst times of my life it captures it in the oddest way. I am unable to explain it but think "Yes, this makes sense."

[@WM-gr4qi]

Thank you.

[@grumbling]

This is beautiful

[@gabrielmacias3245]

thank you

[@peppa1323]

even though ive recovered from it I feel like a part of me died that day, still lost in the derealisation

[@chaos_willow169]

oh.. this is perfect. the ache in the slow parts and the desperation for you to be wrong about what you're sure of in the higher notes .. this reminds me of being 12 and feeling alone against the world. wishing you all the best. this was such a gem to stumble upon tonight

[@Pangol]

Thx so much 🌆🙏🏽

[@UndrworldDarko]

this is so beautiful keep going

[@dxmyr]

You're incredible man

[@RainNMisery]

Perfect 👌

[@Pangol]

thanks 🙏

[@inakoto]

this is amazing.

[@catezachamane]

glasses bro. my glasses sometimes makes me feel like im seeing the world thru a screen. I know it's not as much as of a depressive cause to feel this way, but still.

[@G.W.P.E_LO-FI]

You compose therefore you "Are". Great job !

[@losttoonjannik5912]

I‘ve let this music play while laying in bed with my eyes closed. That was such an experience! A whole universe. A story! I wanna try writing stories through music like you, too - one day!

[@CodaRyu]

Your music is beautiful. It reminds me of dark piano game background music, such as from Makaroll (for a game called Phantom Rose Scarlet), or music from Patrik Pietschmann (Echos of the Past). I love the feeling of caged tension and deep sadness in your music. I hope you can express your music in more ways, each piece I've heard so far has been utterly beautiful and entranced me to sit down motionless until the very last note.

[@Pangol]

Thx so much ❤️

[@insystem7]

I loved most of it, but the first part I would really change a few things. Anyway beautiful melody inspired me to make something of my own using that beautiful accent melody.

[@coffinman4527]

this goes so hard bro

[@Pangol]

thx my g

[@fianachan]

i really like it!

[@Pangol]

thank you 🙌

[@Vain_Lied]

Me encanto. Que hermosa pieza.

[@theholyoneflagbearer6980]

Add a string swell dude here and there it would sound sick dude

[@joozerlmfao]

it reminds me of clair de lune its great

[@wyzlight2028]

Reminds me a lot of a piece I only wrote recently.

[@OtesOtesOtes]

a world of complete imagination pure

[@krejtek9654]

The thought doesn't give me rest since I've read the title of this video, so I'm writing this in hopes someone will help me understand: how is it possible to believe that you don't exist? Wouldn't the sole fact that you're able to think negate that possibility? (Great track btw)

[@sbabrina]

pls i need this on spotify

[@Pangol]

open.spotify.com/intl-fr/track/2Mc3iWgtfQHriRvwFGgcR9?si=329f19e9c2c344fe 💫

[@raz.vsnary]

nice

[@theargentum]

I can't imagine how you can do anything under derealization. Seriously, a couple of times in my life I've experienced supposedly derealization, each time it was only for a couple of seconds, but it was the animal fear of realizing the situation

[@Xarithus]

Sounds fantastic! What vst is this?:)

[@DeadPixel1105]

Nice.

[@AB-xi9im]

i think therefore i am...?

[@ermacbigmac]

nah its more like a constant low metal bowl in the background with a empty wind blowing maybe with a faint disorienting barely noticeable whistle being a hard to reach reality fading away. This sounds more like dementia to me

[@nursena752]

good job keep going on man

[@rickkkj174]

this song would be perfect in a silent hill game

[@clarkgood8884]

This was AMAZING, do I have permission to use this in a 5-minute student short film? I will credit you in the end credits, truly a wonderful representation of this kind of feeling.

[@Pangol]

@@clarkgood8884 for sure bro

[@user-yo4ui7vh1v]

i try to make music and analyze this is very usefull for me

[@wulfe6917]

swag

[@Creatia21]

♥

[@Istoppedaging]

B E A YOU tiful!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@trwn87]

😭😭😭 So good. 😭😭😭

[@4TEiight48]

i love this it is song good!!!

[@WiLDIzzyKATz]

dank