Depression and Late-Diagnosed Autism: Ways to Help

Sometimes people want to help but don't know how. Conversely, sometimes people need help but don't know how to ask. Here are some things that I've found helpful and/or things that would've been helpful to me when I experienced depression/autistic burnout.
Take Action - Don’t make them ask 2:22
Help with Tasks 9:23
Do Research 12:00
Spend Time Together 12:45
Make Phone Calls for Them 13:08
Memes 21:20
Side Quest - Unhelpful Comparisons 22:15
More About Memes 28:44
#asd #depression #latediagnosedautistic #autisticwoman #autistic

[@withheldformyprotection5518]

I have no one in my life to provide help, so I’ve pushed through past depression episodes alone. Fortunately, it has only happened a couple of times, and autistic burnout is much more common for me. My last major depression episode was broken by a life threatening event. Nothing like the fear of death to rewire the brain toward living. Also, your boyfriend sounds like a good person. I’m glad you have someone like that in your life.

[@Sensory0verlord]

Yes, I imagine a life-threatening event would change things! I think that the fact that you experienced a fear of death instead of an acceptance of it is a good sign. Not that I’d assume it’s anything similar, but I got really bad food poisoning 2 weeks after getting back on medication & I thought, “Not like this,” (just like on The Matrix). Think I even said it out loud. The fear surprised me bc it had been gone. I’m glad I have my boyfriend too. He does seem like a good one.

[@marleysoluna]

aaaaaaahhhhh relate to this video so much, especially, "it's like you just feel the last bit of something leave you when you have to beg for help." 💔 I'm a person who watches other people, anticipates their needs, and takes care of things before they can even ask, and the way I get left to the point of feeling like begging just hurts so much. I wish so badly somebody watched me and cared for me the way I do for others.

[@marleysoluna]

😂 the neck rubbing and ear stuff at the end - I have some of the same stress tells too. Afaict, you don't get the rash though, lucky you! My chest breaks out, then my arms and torso, then my face, it's terrible. "No, I'm definitely not disintegrating in front of your eyes! Please ignore the way my flesh is burning apart!" 😂

[@Sensory0verlord]

I’ve always been the one who takes care of things too, & it is sooo freaking exhausting. Now I’m mostly worried about taking care of myself. It’s easier now that I live alone & spend a lot of my time alone. It’s funny you mention stress tells bc the friend who cleaned out the fridge told me I was “protecting my vitals” with the neck/throat thing. Makes sense to me

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@marleysoluna Btw I have broken out in hives in extreme cases. I’m looking into mast cell activation syndrome& it sounds accurate.

[@kirstinline]

great video! i know you dont think it, but you're very articulate. some people can only communicate short bursts of information, but others like to 'paint a picture' with words. im like that and i promise you, there wasn't an ounce of fat on what you said. if you could see what i see, you wouldnt be surprised that people would love to help you and feel protective of you. my helping style is: 'a friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and sings it to you when you forget the words' keep it up!

[@Sensory0verlord]

Thank you so much! I don’t talk a whole lot on average & some days, if I’m doing one of these videos, they’re the only words I’ll speak all day. A lifetime of miscommunication can make a person doubt themselves. I like your outlook on friendship & helping people! A little understanding can go a long way.

[@kirstinline]

@@Sensory0verlord i work on my own as a self employed gardener and live on my own. i’m just coming round to the idea that it’s ok ;) you’re way ahead of me.

[@Sensory0verlord]

That sounds more than ok to me! Pretty perfect, actually 🙂

[@matthewbucktrout3291]

what a beautiful thing to say 🙂, a wonderful image of what a good friend is.

[@user-yv6xw7ns3o]

MEMES AND ANIMALS 💯😸☺️

[@Sensory0verlord]

They help so much! 🐈 🐕 🐐❤️

[@matthewbucktrout3291]

Did your parents do that to you - the minimising whatever you might have chosen to express yourself to them about because so and so has it worse than you, so stop whining about it? Mine certainly did, and still do. Which is why I mostly don't talk to them about anything of substance. That's one issue, but the other is much worse, it's the installation of that sort of talk INSIDE our minds. The little avatars of our parents (and other people for that matter) who take on the role of belittling, minimising, criticising, shaming. Then we do to ourselves exactly what you're talking about. We don't even need the external input, it's loops and standard responses are already there ready to pop up and make us feel like crap. It can be crippling. Distracting beyond compare. Everything slows down, like walking through treacle (do you have treacle? thick syrup/molasses). It can be frightening when the critical avatars start being more nasty too, in my experience. I'm a why person too. I had no choice but to start trying to work out why these things were happening to me/why I was seemingly destroying myself from the inside. I found that reading about psychology helped me. I was more able to start trying to look at myself, how I behave, how I feel, from a more compassionate, curious viewpoint. My issues are far from resolved, reading a few books isn't a miracle cure. There's the work to do using the new found insights which is required and which I need/want to get my teeth into. I have had a tendancy in the past to go on and on about what books I've read and assume other people would be interested and would want to hear about them and have books recommended to them. I've learned that that's almost never the case. But, if you're interested, few things would give more pleasure than being able to share what I think has helped me in some way to help other people/you. You're helping other people with your videos. You're helping me. You're inspiring and thought-provoking. I'm really glad you're with someone who sounds very caring and supportive, that can be a great help. My wife is a very supportive person and a good friend, indeed I would consider that she's been my only friend for a long time. She's not autistic and so I really appreciate that there are people like you who take the time to share openly their/your own experiences as an autistic person. Because often how we might experience situations and feeings seems to be very different to those people around us who are not autistic. It does seem to be like working from within a different operating system sometimes, often even. Sometimes you can have the "same" program which is available in the two operating systems but it's never runs in quite the same way in reality somehow. So, again, Holly, thank you for what you're doing. You're helping people by making them see they're not alone. You might not be a psychologist or other health professionnel, but what you have to say matters and it makes a difference. Peer to peer support can maybe help as well as doctor-patient support? Do you think exploring ways of trying to fathom the whys of how we feel the way we do and act the way we do could be something to recruit your spectator group to join in with? You're helping us, can we help you (and eachother) back? I'm going to re-watch this video with the rest of the family later. My younger son has a friend at school who is in the process of having an autism evaluation organised and we were talking earlier about how he might be able to help her. She's been having lots of problems over the last few months and he wants to help her but isn't quite sure how. I think your video here will give him some good pointers. So, you've maybe helped her too!

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@matthewbucktrout3291 Thank you! I’m so happy you find it helpful. The external processing that takes place when I talk about these things out loud is very helpful for me as well. You’ve given me a lot to think about! I had at one point considered doing a blog, so I’m thinking that’s a good idea as it has some of the same features of social media without some of its more annoying elements. Since this is not a full time thing for me & I’m not interested in it becoming that, I haven’t looked into ways to expand past its current form, especially since I’m extra sensitive to perceived pressure. It takes me a long time to process, so I apologize if I miss something. I’m still taking in loads of information from my environment, so I need a little extra processing time. (Each question is like the click of a mouse when my brain is still stuck on the first process/question.) I will eventually process & get back to you.

[@matthewbucktrout3291]

@@Sensory0verlord Hi Holly, please don't feel any pressure to reply straight away. I'm just excited to have made your acquaintance and to be able to share thoughts with you and hear yours, and perhaps I get a bit carried away thinking about what you've said and coming up with things we could talk about. My brain is whirring and the things you've said are big issues, which matter to me too. I don't have any experience of blogs really to judge whether they're better or otherwise. One thing I am a bit self conscious about to be honest is that what I'm writing is clearly totally public, and I didn't think to try and anonymise my tag. Perhaps that was a little tech-naïve on my part. I'm in two minds about that, on the one hand I'm not hiding behind a psuedonym, but on the other hand I'm being vulnerable and saying what's on my mind under a tag with my full name on it, on the internet, which is perhaps a bit stupid. Perhaps I ought to do something about that. That's maybe one annoying element of social media, everything is there for everyone to see. I haven't looked to see if you've put an e-mail address on your profile in your account. That might be a different way to communicate if you fancy that as an alternative. Part of my processing is in the act of typing and developping an idea like that. I'm rubbish at the sort of short, sound-byte type of communication typical of socal media. I just can't get across what I want to say within in a short character limit. I don't feel it allows for a meaningful discussion and reduces everything to a very superficial surface level exchange. Anyway, I'm rambling. Have a nice weekend and I look forward to hearing from you at some stage later, take care of yourself 🙂

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@matthewbucktrout3291 To answer your question about parents and minimizing, yes they did and the “so and so” was usually themselves, stories of how bad they had it as kids. Neither the circumstances for them nor me were optimal while growing up. Now I won’t share anything too personal or have a deep conversation with them. Religious trauma probably plays a role in all of it as well. But that’s a topic for its own video.

[@matthewbucktrout3291]

​@@Sensory0verlord Hi Holly! Let me know what you think about exploring these sorts of things together. In the not too distant past I read a pile of books about psychology and psychotherapry trying to find a way of sorting through what's in my head (this was before I knew what autism was). I settled on one model in particular which I find really insightful and helpful and it works very well with my way of thinking - systems, reasons why, has a sense of self-directedness. What I'm missing is someone who is on my wavelength about such things and has a similar way of thinking as I do to learn together, share ideas and experiences and mutually help eachother work through things. A sort of buddy situation (otherwise known as having a friend with whom to mutually, back and forth, share and help eachother) which is separate from existing close relationships - I'm married, you have your boyfriend, but I often find something is missing in terms of interpersonal connection - which is, I guess, why many people have more than one friend - because actually finding ONE person with whom we can connect meaningfully in all the different ways which are fundamentally important to us, is perhaps a very tall order (long rambling sentance alert!) Something different is what I'm thinking is needed, but something added to what's already there, rather than destroying what I have already and looking to replace it with something new. This is me processing what's going on in my head. Again, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to explore and stimulating thoughts and feelings to get me thinking. For me it's almost a special-interest subject situation, whereby I would really love to share it with someone else and currently I don't have someone with whom to share it - Kate (my wife) and I share a lot of things but pasychology, and music, are too big things for me which aren't for her. But it's also an opportunity to find connection and mutual support. You mentionned in one of your videos a strong sense of lack of reliability in other people, leading you to be an independent person; I am a very independent person in some ways and find it almost impossible to ask for help even when I clearly need it. There's an example of a good can of worms to explore, to use our WHY muscles to discover what that's all about. I've started re-reading a book entitled "Internal Family Systems Therapy" 2nd ed by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy. It's a good starting point for learning what his model is, how it came about, how it works and tog et a feeling for how it can be useful for getting to know oneself better. I'm trying to write calmly about it and encourage you in a slightly nonchalant way that you might like to read it too, then we can talk about it... What's actually happening inside my head is that I'm bursting with excitement at the possibility that you might just want to play with me and we could be friends, that part of me wants to get you a copy of the book and put it into your hands and start reading it together right now. That's a part of me, the part who wants to have connection, have fun, do exciting things and who has not done many of those things for a long time. There's also another part of me who has only very recently allowed me to actually write anything under videos on youtube. A protective part who believes it's safer not to say anything. A part who has been protecting me in that way, again for a very long time, the part who makes me "shy", "quiet", "introverted", and maybe makes me come across to others as cold, disinterested, aloof, distant. It's role is to protect me from being hurt by other people by preventing me from interacting with other people. In the past, a part of me which drank a lot of alcohol would from time to time take over the reins to overcome the isolating, shy, quiet part. It would open the way for a bit of "fun", but that fun wasn't really healthy anddidn't really lead to meaningful relationships because we were drunk. So, why you. Why am I trying to make a connection with you? Because, in watching your videos so far, you come across in many ways as though I'm looking in the mirror. I have had that experience quite a few times in watching autistic youtubers - in terms of common experiences and ways of thinking - but listening to you added in music (which is enormously important for me and always has been, but hasn't been granted that status in my mind in the past - another can of worms to explore). And you replied, you give the impression that you appreciate the interaction, which is important too - it's not very fulfilling speaking to a rock. There's a part of me who is pessimistic, who now wants me to express a series of reservations and caveats. He wants to protect against the possibility that this won't work out at all and repeatmantras like "at least we tried" "there are other fish in the sea"; he's preparing for things to go pear shaped, another protector who fights against the excitable, loving, fun part by damping down expectations and preparing for failure before we've even started. There's a shaming part who throws spanners in all sorts of works by reminding me that I'm .... a whole list of gleaned put-downs and negative adjectives/nouns.... that part believes it's protecting me from pain too - if it can beat me into shape from the inside, perhaps then I won't be exposed to a similar beating from the outside by someone else. It's not quite the same notion as the shy-making part who prevents interactions, this part is trying to beat me into shape so that I can be presentable and not like I've been told I am in the past by people who shouldn't have said those things. The entity who I think is typing now is my "Self". My Self is, in my iteration of the IFS model, like the speaker in parliament who, in a properly functionning parliament acts as arbiter, sets the agenda, decides who of the members of parliament get to speak up and when, makes sure each of the members of parliement get their chance to air their ideas and grievences but calls order to prevent any one of them, or any faction taking over the show and causing chaos. The Self shows compassionate curiosity, is non-judgemental, is open minded and caring. That might give a flavour of what the IFS model is and how it describes how we all have a multiplicity of parts to our psyche/mind and how exploring that can help understand our motivations and the situations where it feels like we have internal conflicts and polarised viewpoints and values which can seem chaotic and confusing. I think it's fantastically powerful as a concept and feel it describes me very well indeed. It's not talking about DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), though he does talk briefly about that in the first chapter in order to differentiate between that as an extreme situation in which different parts take over the person entirely and it seems the person is inhabited by a number of totally separate personas, and the situation for everyone, in his experience, which describes a collective of different parts within a more or less coherent and more or less functional internal family system. So, there, i've given voice to my excited, young, fun, wants to make friends and misses his chidhood best friend who we left behind when we moved house when he was 8 - you also remind him of her; I've given voice to my shy, isolating part; I've aired my pessimistic part's mantras that it might not work out so don't get my hopes up; i've heard my shaming part's diatribe and have chosen to ignore that for the moment, with the promise that we'll spend some time looking at that later. I have presented my arguements for why I'm typing this and mentionned the book I'm reading. the point of that by the way, was that if you're interested, you could get hold of a copy of it and read it too and we can share thoughts, learn together and then look at if and how we'd like to use the model to help eachother with our own issues... That's the schema I'm thinking of. So, enough typing, hopefully enough to get across what I want to say without being TOO much and sending you to sleep or overwhelming you with too much at once. Did the brief message I left with the link to the ASDirect website which describes how to sign up for their discord server get through the filters by the way? What do you think about using discurd as a platform to talk? There might also be other people on there who would like to join in. It just sounds like a safe place, which is still a public platform but not open to the whole world (including people who know me and about whom it would be difficult to talk freely if I felt they would be able to read it). Hope you had a nice weekend. We watched this video (how to help people who are having problems) together as a family yesterday and we all thought it was great and saw ways we could help certain other people/each other better. So, thank you from all of us! Matthew

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@matthewbucktrout3291 To be very direct about it, I only have so much energy to give (only so many spoons) & I’m already at my maximum capacity. Limiting my interaction is necessary for my mental & neurological health. I get overwhelmed by large volumes of communication, whether written or spoken. It’s all social interaction to me and I have very little capacity for that. I find it extremely draining and stressful. My two best friends and I communicate once, maybe twice, a week because that’s all I can handle. I set that boundary long ago. I continue to maintain those friendships because I have known those people long enough to form a bond. My partner and I have a similar arrangement for personal space because we both need time to be alone & not interact with people. I want to be able to have enough left at the end of the day to interact with the ND community on YT as a whole. Psychology is not one of my interests. I do find talk therapy somewhat helpful for external processing. However, a negative experience involving a person who had a psychology degree trying to psychologically manipulate & harm me, prompted me to look into certain aspects of it. I don’t give an email address or other contact info because I prefer to keep these interactions public, confined to YT, and on topic. It’s just my personal boundary for my own peace of mind and safety. For me it’s enough to know that others can relate.