DEPROGRAMING is essential to healing from narcissistic relationships

[@sushmayen]

If you want to be kind and compassionate towards the narc give them your distance.

[@cc1k435]

That sounds fair. I'm determined to keep my autonomy, and if they persist, I'm afraid I might punch them in the throat or something. 😂

[@rabinraj15]

​@cc1k435 When in doubt with a Narc, I'd say punch first 😝

[@dianedoyle-mccahon4979]

Oh I'm definitely giving the distance, I'm like yes honey currently they pretend to be asleep when I'm home and i have to be quiet , never get anything done. At least I work independently that is what's saved me, normalcy.

[@jokendrick2124]

I learned it was better to be kind to myself and distance or go no contact for my well being. Kindness is one of the only things narcissists don't compete with on any level.

[@alexismerrilldragonqueen6552]

Better to be kind and compassionate to yourself. The narc should start fading into the background of indifference. [With time and healing, of course]

[@purpleocean4806]

DEPROGRAMMING 12:20 1. Delete the false beliefs they conditioned you with 2. Find supportive people 3. Somatic healing: connect to your body, heal it physically. Breathing, grounding, exercise 4. Take back your sovereignty : connect to and develop your own needs, wants, desires, goals, skills, identity, values

[@thompsonlauren1004]

Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done [e-mail]

[@TonyTruthRx]

Still divorcing the narc but instead of looking for someone to love me, I think I should focus on loving myself.

[@toddstewart3179]

I believe no truer words were ever spoken. Blessings to you. 🙏🏻

[@jorgerios8472]

In the same boat. Even thought she’s been talking to another man 4 days after I ended the marriage. Now it’s like pulling teeth. My therapist said this is literally the only thing they have to control now. So just be ready for a long drawn out divorce. Sucks, but atleast I made it out and ended it on my terms.

[@beckyterry6733]

Same.

[@danielh4995]

@@jorgerios8472 Just ended a 7 year relationship, told her to leave after I found out she had been cheating with several people while building a narrative that I wasnt interested in her or I was the problem and the reason the relationship was failing. She is now slowing down the moving out process, skipping days, etc, and gets extremely angry when I ask her why she isnt moving faster. Its the only thing she has left to use to push my buttons. I understand

[@lhmccool67]

It's a hard road. I divorced mine easily. He signed off on everything, including custody and support, and remarried 8 months later. There's been no contact since we escaped him, but the last two years have been full of therapy for my teenagers. Now it's time for me to deprogram from 20 years of this stuff. Best wishes!!

[@andyandrade8451]

I’m the daughter of a narcissist father and just got discarded a year ago from a 7 year relationship, 4 year marriage to a narc. I still live in the fog. I have no idea if who I am other than work. So I currently have no energy to do anything else besides going to work and coming back home. I’m on 3 different medications and still struggling every minute of every day. My ex husband is engaged to his new supply: a woman 12 years younger, fitness influencer, just graduated from college. Meanwhile I live like a zombi just existing waiting for this existence to pass. This is how damaging these relationships are. I don’t know if I’ll ever recovery… so please be ware of the ppl you meet: they might kill you inside and leave you alive to a very painful existence.

[@CaliWeHo]

8 months later; I hope you're okay.

[@shwetachowdhary2390]

I feel for you but want to request please start listening to iskon or other source of Bhagwat Gita, our life has bigger meaning than simply to let it go waste because of the trauma caused by these Narcs, when you find that genuine purpose your life will become more meaningful and peaceful. Its a journey but start with a small step. Listen to more and more to spiritual vedic talks, you will find inner peace and will understand why and what happened and how we have a free will to fix and create our own life

[@randomaccessmemories8912]

Im so sorry you had to live through this. I hope you continue to find strength to heal the damage that was done to you. I am the daughter of a narc dad and was in an extremely abusive marriage to a narc for 8 years…just getting divorced now. Healing takes a lot of time but it is possible. I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey, may God be with you 💕

[@mac-ju5ot]

Dr Ramani u are the only women brave enough to call a 14 hour seminar " dumb ass" I admire and love you so much. You give this old lady hope ...u inspire me

[@SunnyBeetle1922]

She's right though. A 14 hour seminar is dumb ass. It's designed specifically to drain and wear down the victim so they are too tired and overwhelmed to fight back. I used to be a part of the new (c) age movement but the people were so condescending to those who's beliefs didn't match theirs that I began to realise something was wrong, especially when I met someone who claimed to be spiritual and when they began making homophobic comments and I challenged them, they went ape shit and stalked me online for 2 years. Incidentally, this woman claimed she put demons in mirrors to control them. She also claimed to be a medium and working with a reiki master. I also saw other new age people bad mouthing each other and competing for business and making threats to each other. These people study cult leaders like Osho. Needless to say I want nothing to do with that shit. Please be careful when anyone approaches you and properts to be full of love and light... this is usually a big front and they just want your money, your energy and your attention.

[@mharris7380]

I loved a video where Doctor Ramani said that referred to mediation in the workplace that targets of bullying will be asked to enter into, as "stupid mediation". It's the direct talk that we need to hear. Most of the therapists I speak to don't seem to get this.

[@jaybanks1947]

@@mharris7380I totally misread this as “meditation” 😂. I couldn’t figure out why a bully would be asked to meditate. Although it would prob help

[@maevebutler4641]

@mac - just Me too This woman has fire in her belly You just gotta love her & admire her!

[@mharris7380]

​@@jaybanks1947 haha. tbh the way my typing has deteriorated I probably would put that one day. I make loads of typos and don't always spot them all when I go through and correct them.

[@cheyenne5375]

I was literally thinking “our family is a mini cult” and she then went on to say it! Yesssss!

[@johnpaulsawan1990]

My parents did this to us. I didn't have a sense of self and still don't sometimes.They isolate you and try to tell you no one else can understand you. They preyed on my disability and wouldn't let me study in school or would try to get me to quit jobs. Their behavior is criminal and they murdered two souls. I'm considering seeking justice.

[@willemijnnibbering]

i can understand... i also seeking for justice (is difficult)...at least everytime people like us, speak our truth, (in safe way..): we get tiny bit back, our true self...

[@noelle7287]

So true. I was born and raised into a cult. I left at almost 19 years old. My parents are both narcs. I dated 2 narcs ( 1 I met while in the cult). I married one of them. i was single for several years after my divorce and didn't date. I discovered more about narc and saved up all I could to move out of my grandpa's house where my narc mother was living and moved out after several years. I managed to get my drivers license and cars despite my narc mom sabotaging me multiple times along the way I moved out and was fully independant, 2 weeks later met my now husband. I cut my narc mother and immediate family several months later. I've been the happiest overall I have ever been. Despite having to unpack a lot of trauma and dealing with cptsd and ptsd. I feel like I finallyy life just started, I get to have hobbies & discover who I am

[@djmadijohnson]

It's funny, while I was figuring out everything after my 18 year "relationship" ended I was watching documentaries on Jim Jones, Nxsm and R Kelly. I could see the similarities in a cult and my relationship with my ex. This video is validation. I've been seven year no contact with my ex girlfriend and I still have nightmares about her.

[@DivineWhispers-i4u]

This is your subconscious mind releasing it Stay safe 💙

[@taom9004]

34 years with my ex husband. Six years free and I had soooo many nightmares up until very recently. I stayed in an Air BnB with some friends and apparently I was moaning and crying out all night. Don't even remember those ones. However, confusing as hell, mixed in with happy dreams? And sex dreams! WTF? Trauma bonds are the WORST.

[@lhmccool67]

My teenagers have night terrors from their narc father.

[@justrosy5]

Ok, this I have to hear, as I've never actually heard/seen a man complain about this, about an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife before. It's almost always the boyfriends/husbands who are the narcs, screwing over their girlfriends/wives. What in the world was this chick like? What did she say/do? Was it something more about her being a narc to her (or your, or both of your) kids? A lot of women do that; it's a power trip for them over the young and helpless. How did it go down with your g/f? I'm asking so I can learn what to keep an eye out for when dealing with my half of the human species. I don't tolerate nonsense coming from women towards others, any more than I tolerate it coming from men toward others. I'm just wondering if it looks/sounds different coming from women when it's in romantic relationships. When I see something, I say something, and I'm not afraid to put anyone in their place when I see/hear BS coming from them. What should I look out for?

[@djmadijohnson]

@@justrosy5 I can't begin to tell you everything. Just imagine finding out every moment with a person is a lie. From intimate moments, conversations, sex, arguments, going to church together, etc. My ex is a diagnosed Borderline.I'm pretty sure three much more to her diagnosis. But she told me this is what her doctor told her after stint in psych ward. (one of a few) They have all the traits in the cluster b personalty category. Including and not limited to narcissism. In the 90's this information wasn't so easy to research, I initially thought it was another term for Bipolar. So many lies, games, Cheating, gaslighting and much more. The only advice I would be able to give has nothing to do with what sex, age, race of a person. When a person doesn't feel worthy of love, they will sabotage the relationship. The more love you show them they will resent it. Because in their mind they are thinking how could you love me when I don't even love myself. There is a deep shame down on the inside that is hard for them to overcome. I didn't realize I was in a lifetime network/ Tyler Perry movie until it was to late. It's was like waking up from a bad dream. I was just a character in the move she wrote, directed and starred in. I found out there were many more characters before me and during our time together. Thank God I woke up. A certain trauma happened to my ex as a child. I don't think she was able to get over it. I've read that some people stop aging mentally when they experience trauma as a child. And this theory make a lot of since.

[@sleepydoppy8516]

I helped my ex get her Dr of psychology degree. I am now very sorry to anyone who goes to see her. Her favorite line was, " your not going to cry are you. The first time she said that should have told me something.

[@malwads1836]

Yep it's important not to let your guard down just because someone has a fancy degree,even if they're in the mental health field.

[@mday3821]

​@@malwads1836That is so true!

[@staycool163]

​@@malwads1836you are correct. We need to remember that they are people just like us. And just because they have a degree doesn't mean they're not capable of bad advice or information! It's always important to feel that connection that they're there to actually help you!

[@Phoenix00744]

Oof, that's freaky how someone like that can reach such a position of power.

[@bkirstie]

HOLY SHIT

[@MeganC-jm4we]

I'm so sick of being stuck in co-dependency and being threatened to have my resources taken away anytime I don't do what they want me to do while I'm struggling with severe physical symptoms stemming from their abuse. Nothing feels better than saying "stay away from me", but I'm so isolated that I don't know where else to go, am so sick of the arguing and attitudes of people, lack of stability, and feeling so raw and just avoiding everything. It is getting better, but this is so tough. Thank you for speaking about this in a way that's so honest and relatable

[@Seatonni]

🌻

[@angiegonzalez52311]

Thank you for sharing. I dealt with financial abuse and narcissistic bullying, especially when I attempted to save money and leave. I feel you and I know it feels like a bottomless pit. Quietly save your money, don’t react, and keep reminding yourself that YOU are your own ground.” I often say it to myself when I feel uneasy - “Don’t react, you are your own ground.” Say it with me now!

[@angiegonzalez52311]

#2 - Not reacting is the only way to protect your physical health and mental well-being.

[@margolane3361]

The way my father structured our family was cultish. we had an acre in the woods, homeschooled with little outside contact only church on Sunday but we never spoke to anyone. He was an angry alcoholic tyrant and ruled absolutely. My grandma called me and my sisters "little Rapunzels" that's how little we were in contact with other people.

[@margolane3361]

Also told us regularly that "The world will end in a few months!" but that never happened, obviously...

[@therapistsandnarcissism]

Awwww💕💓 that makes me sad…Know you are so loved and go enjoy friends and life now

[@malwads1836]

I hope you went no-contact & don't have to be around whenever his liver falls out of his @**.

[@Monipenny1000]

My dad did the same thing except we had the public school experience. My stepmother wouldn't have had the time, education or desire to homeschool all 6 of us, the less time we were under their feet the better.

[@annastone5624]

@margolane3361 Omg so sorry 😢

[@donnetted]

Coming out of a cult AND a narcissistic relationship at the same time! Thanks for this.

[@maevebutler4641]

It makes perfect sense to me now after listening to this video the lack of sleep while he slept Two small children & a teenager who was so rebellious, trying unsuccessfully to prevent them colliding which was impossible Trying to read self help books to hold onto some semblance of sanity The never ending cooking presented fresh (Food never allowed into microwave) When I was put on meds for depression if I asked him anything he would respond "Did you not take your tablet today) which I felt great shame as I didn't understand why I developed depression & saying no one would want to bother with me now after my mastectomy They are cult like & I am working very hard to heal my fragmented heart & mind Therapy is helping enormously and good friends that I can trust & DrRamini who has taught me so much & being a part of this community helps a great deal

[@donnetted]

@@maevebutler4641 stay strong

[@Grahh777]

Me too. What cult did u get out of?

[@Red88Rex]

Good timing for me. After 5 years of on/off, abuse, drama, cruelty… I think I am actually done, with all my heart and soul.

[@amandathetford365]

Same

[@diandreabrown8711]

Same... came back to my narc partner of 6 yrs on n off and even though she swore to me it would be different...it wasnt..she lied. Broke promises and then played like she didnt... then told me we are on a break because she is trying to be a better person lol but guess what ntn is changing and im just told to leave her alone. Lasnite i told her in her face.. I will leave you alone. I INTEND to stick to that no matter HOW sorry i feel for her. I am just a tenant her.. i need to put all the love and loyalty i gave to her i NEED to give to me. Its hard when u are in the toxicness...try to get out.

[@marykirsten7773]

STAY OUT if you can!!! Mine was 6 years off and on and I'm 2.5 years out (and REALLY out), and I'm just now realizing that this deep, unattached anxiety I still feel on a daily basis is related to that relationship. And I'd never been in a bad relationship prior (and never had anxiety before that either!)--that's how powerful the narcissistic relationship is. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can start your healing. You're going to have to do it one way or another--might as well start the rest of your life NOW--I promise you, if it's a true narc, it's never, EVER going to work. They are hollow entities. Tons of love and best of luck!

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

I'm trying to deprogram from his negative voice in my mind. It's so very hard to do. I have never experienced anything such as this in my life. I am listening to a healing mantra to reprogram my negative thinking.

[@susanparker9877]

As a teenager I was asked to a 'talk on life'. We were picked up after the shops closed, 9 PM, and driven to a home. Many people were there, and we were served a wonderful meal. Then photo albums came out to show us their camp. At 11 PM I asked for a ride to the nearest Metro. The talk had not yet begun and I hid my nervousness and fear. Getting at you when you're exhausted is a classic technique cults use! I had pieced together that they were Moonies. No one was more relieved than I was to get to the Metro station. By chance, I had gone to a documentary film with my mother, about a family getting their indoctrinated daughter out of a cult, --by stealing her out of it,-- and the subsequent deprogramming. Working in a Natural Food Store, I met these Moonies and also the Children of God. Both tried to get me. These are creepy people who prey on people, especially teenagers trying to find their place. They did NOT get me!

[@notagain779]

@susanparker9877, Those "Moonies" were really creepy. I had a slight brush up against one one day when I was about 25. Everyone told me I still looked like a teenager, since I still had baby fat in my facial structure. A young woman approached me with a big smile and asked if I had a minute to talk. She had pamphlets and asked if we could sit down somewhere. I kind of suspected she was a Moonie, and I knew ahead of time, like you did, that she'd be unlikely to persuade me into any cult, but I was curious. We sat on some benches nearby, and had an ice cream cone together. She wasn't pushy, but wanted to share the "good news" of all the wonderful things she was learning, and I could learn these things too! I ignored all of that and started to ask her about her life before she started learning. She was willing to talk about very personal things, some of which were sad and upsetting. Soon she was on the verge of tears. It was as though no one had ever listened or acted like they cared about her. Finally, I said, "This group you're in - they're Moonies, aren't they? She didn't want to admit it, but finally did. I said, "You don't need them, be careful, and all the reasons why she was traveling a dark path. To my surprise, she was quiet and listening. Before we parted, she suddenly hugged me, and then disappeared in a bunch of people walking by.

[@susanparker9877]

@@notagain779 I suspsect that you touched her deeply. Hoping that it made a positive change for her. That was pretty special what you did.👩‍🎨🐕🐕

[@notagain779]

@@susanparker9877, Oh, gee, thank you, but I was just curious to know what attracts people to things like cults, so I was willing to hear her story. I hope she was able to trust her own judgment in time. I love what the good witch Glinda says to Dorothy at the end of the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy asks her "Why didn't you tell me that I always had the power within myself to get back home to Kansas?" And Glinda says, "Because you wouldn't have believed me. You had to find it out for yourself." I interpreted "the power within herself" to mean our inherent autonomy, or guiding North Star. I believe everyone has this, but sometimes forgets they do. I didn't take getting back to Kansas literally, but rather, getting back to herself, and the other characters also finding what they felt they lacked. Courage for the lion, a heart for Tin Man, and a brain for scarecrow!

[@susanparker9877]

@@notagain779 Well said.

[@mom22gr8kdz]

Golden nugget all throughout this video. My ex drowned out my voice for a long, long time. Sadly, that went on for a decade after our divorce as I couldn't accept the fact that he didn't love our children. Then I started to focus on healing and giving my children the gift of the real me.

[@megankingston7698]

Beautiful I’m happy for you

[@TheKrispyfort]

Deprogramming is important because you are going to go through a type of withdrawal. And it is generally not pretty. You need to be mindful of what you start using to fulfill your individual needs that the narcissist and cult-leaders had been treating. These people are your favourite form of self-harm, your favourite game of chance, and your opioid. The abusive people weren't preventing your pain, they were distracting you from it, all while making your situation worse. Therapy with a specialist experienced, trained, qualified, and competent healthcare provider team is needed.

[@StephanieMiller-v8v]

A good point was brought up in the comments about the heightened anxiety in simple tasks like the grocery store and being hyper aware of the inconvenience that you are. I am currently completely in line with that . I have been purposefully putting myself in social situations just like that to practice engaging and working through those feelings in real time while understanding those feelings are not mine but a program that is not true. I also have realized it goes into every aspect of myself. Talking to others, over analyzing the reactions of others and their body language and facial expressions to gage rather or not I said the correct thing. Yesterday I purposely held a conversation with a complete stranger to prove to myself I am not awkward and weird. That is programming. My father and my husband of 30 years are both narcissistic, abusive men. I have awakened in the last 2 years and understand the patterns and behaviors because of videos like this one! Thank you 🙏🏻

[@shwetachowdhary2390]

Same here but only from last fewonths

[@stregalilith]

My father told me over and over that nobody would ever love me like my family. I secretly said to myself, "Thank God!". He also told me that my mother--a rampantly manipulative narcissist--was my best friend. I was saved by my very loving grandmother and an aunt and uncle who saw what was up and simply loved me and each other in a healthy way. I saw the difference. I know my parents suffered and were wounded in childhood and they didn't know how harmful they were but I had to remove myself.

[@erinward2983]

The abusers find so many ways to maintain the victimized role and I've been so broken. I thought I was his world. I was his servant. I had to walk away. I've heard from others some of the things he's been saying to make it all look like it was me betraying him. His performance won everyone over and I'm struggling. I am not any of the things he says I am. But people believe him. I had that sick feeling in my body. It's still there, but I absolutely had to go. Looking back at the abusive texts and journaling has been helpful.

[@crazymanickid]

Thank you for this Dr Ramani. I woke up from the Jehovah’s Witness cult. I was in for decades. I’m working so hard to deprogram myself and find true self. Thank you for putting the two things together.

[@aynilaa]

My best friend just ended a 4 year relationship with a narcissist and is really struggling with that.

[@TheKrispyfort]

It's a gambling addiction based on partial reinforcement with unpredictable rewards which include the lack of punishment. It's the strongest conditioning system

[@TheKrispyfort]

Gambling addictions being based on being found acceptable, by a Higher Power. Just World Fallacy in action

[@motherearth888]

​@@TheKrispyfortHi! Would you be so kind to delve a little deeper and elaborate on this subject as I want to understand more as I have a hard time comprehending. I have a tendency to love gambling and have, at times unresponsibly, now though, that has been replaced for me with couponing and agate hunting.

[@doriannemosich232]

Experienced scary demonic criminal behavior, (Grand. Narc sibling)could not run, ambushed, targeted victimized to become his supply. Healing even though litigation isn't over, I came back from the dead, these Narcissistic siblings to their surprise will be accountable. I guess this what being blessed & cursed comes from. I love you Dr. Romani in the last 4.5 years you have saved my mind, maybe my life.

[@catkins379]

20 years nearly got out 2015 but went back. Insidious cruelty accelerated. Has now been 2 months no contact and trauma bond is powerful but I must stay in the light. Thanks you for your wise and comforting words Dr. Ramani. Your videos have been so helpful when the pain and craving gets bad.

[@EastWind785]

@catkins379 Wishing you well on your journey! I remember the early months of no contact - so much grief and confusion felt in the trauma bond but the tears felt so valid! You were in the relationship a long time- it may be feel hard for a while but these videos of Dr Ramanis have been so helpful for me. Time passes and we slowly evolve finding ourselves again - sending you care and peace as life brings you good things…

[@lhmccool67]

It's truly like withdrawal from drugs, it hurts so much. Even when you logically know you're better off, the damage is done. It's almost physically painful. 🫂🫂

[@amandathetford365]

Same

[@LisaTravis-m7e]

2015 was the year I went back. 3 1/2 mos out of the relationship and I still have so much anxiety when I go to a store. I'm petrified of running into him with his new supply

[@Kat_Rat1998]

off topic, but orange looks amazing on you! 🧡

[@KSouthworth]

While trying to deprogram from my narcissistic family, I had nightmares of being part of a family of serial killers. I had to pretend to be a serial killer to survive but kept trying to escape without them knowing. Whenever they discovered my plan they'd kill me. This nightmare returned over and over and over, with them discovering my plan and killing me differently every time. Until finally, I managed to get away (both in the dream and psychologically) and the nightmare never returned. Been healing for decades, with Doctor Ramani's videos giving me the words to describe and understand the abuse. I still struggle with understanding my own worth and CPTSD. But if I'd never left...I shudder to think where I might be now.

[@erinward2983]

During this past 12 months I’ve been getting myself out of the habit of saying I was raised by this malignant narcissist parent. It is most appropriate to say I was “programmed.” (Inhale. Exhale) Heaven help me to deprogram.

[@Terry-ye3gp]

Brilliant!!.. Brilliantly put!!! .... Thank you so much. Heaven help us both. ❤

[@dzanastrabuna]

This whole colour combination with the purple armchair, neutral background and the beautiful Dr Ramani in this orange shirt is soo soothing and warm!

[@caromitgeige]

Oh the untruths my covert narc mother instilled in me… „you re lazy, you re a slut, you talk too much, you are to sensitive, you are only after my money“. It still hurts to think about these fairly common statements that formed me in my teen years. All while i was being so good, studying hard to get into medschool, not having sex until i was 18, being frugal and pretty isolated. I was always scared she would find more things to criticize about me, so i passed up most parties, smoking, alcohol and boys. Come to think of is, i am still afraid to be „lazy, slutty, annoying or overly emotional“. Despite having no contact with her and being in a loving supportive relationship and having a job where my emotional side is an asset, not a burden. Edit: also the nightmares and the psychosomatic problems including dissociation are very familiar.

[@kassih.musica]

Thank you so much for this video! I've been part of a cult here in Brazil on the religion of Umbandaime. You can't imagine how crazy this was. Is a religion with comunication with spirits and use of Ayahuasca... On the pandemic I started the process of delusion. I also have a narcisist father wich is also an alcohoolic, so... my family never was healthy. I also met a girl this year that has broken me totally. She is the spiritualy evolved narcisist... I am still recovering of these 10 years in the cult of Umbandaime. And this video came in a perfect moment! As all your videos have helped me a lot!!! Thank you so much Dr. Ramani! Have a happy life!

[@mct5314]

I am really sorry you went through all of this!!! I know spiritual narcissists and what they do is horrible. I had a narcissitic friend who was also a spiritual teacher and he could know what I was feeling when I was for exemple home alone. He would shame me for the anger I had felt towards him while we were not even together. He just knew my feelings and throughts because he was a medium. And so he was manipulating me ALL the time, being inside my mind. I still am afraid sometimes he can still do it. I try to block him with the love I have for myself. But you are right I can't imagine what you went through, so I just hope you will be okay

[@kassih.musica]

Thank you friend! I've been taking medicine to depression and I'm getting better. I also study about religion psicology to undertand what I lived. Now I'm agnostic and stoped thinking about the spiritual life. I'm better about the relationship with this girl either cause after some years watching Doctor Ramani videos, I could realize that the relationship wasn't good to me. About the coult I've been part of, I'm still gonna talk about it with a Psicologist. I don't believe in mediunity anymore. I hope you can get free of evertything that makes you fell bad fren! Greetings from Brasil!@@mct5314​

[@georgirancour198]

I actually said the title of your new book to my kids when they were like 10, many years ago. Followed by - it's him. I felt bad doing it, but had no advice other than my gut. I now and forever will believe it was the right thing, the only thing, to do.

[@denineluchkow395]

I made notes on this video, it’s a journal for life . I want to express my gratitude to Dr.Ramani for touching on a topic so complex and raw and quickly offering steps to free yourself and heal …. I love how she does this. It doesn’t matter how deep your wounds are everyone , everyday can watch the sun rise and begin again a new☀️

[@purpleocean4806]

Where are the notes?

[@Sarah-pj4vo]

What's really upsetting is when people use spiritual and/or religious teachings and subvert them on their head. And the sadder reality is that there are pseudo-religious groups, cults and 'brotherhoods' or 'sisterhoods' that hide behind a religious/pious mask only to manipulate and abuse other unwitting people for their personal benefit and interest, even twisting such teachings and philosophies into a dangerous ideology. This also can happen in non-religious more 'secular' or pseudo-liberal groups too 😞. Because of that I have my faith and belief but I stay clear of all groups for my own protection, wellbeing and sanity.

[@TKouklaki]

Thank you doc ! You opened my eyes at the right time…I’m stepping out of the mud now as you see, because recently I stopped victimising myself but instead to protect my life and boundaries from a dependent & narcissist sister, an energy vampire ! I’m looking forward to reading your new book . Many congrats to you for all that you offer to us ! You also have my deepest and warmest thanks !

[@frankly1744]

Dr. Ramani I have been out 5 years, am in trauma counseling and making headway, Yay! You were a Big part of my healing journey. I Thank You, for that. ❤

[@SunnyBeetle1922]

This video is like a volcano going off in my head. I never realised I needed this reset. Thank you Dr Romani, your words are so healing and helpful... Thank you again🙏🏽❤💕

[@ninamontrosse5588]

This is spot-on for what I just went through it really will make you scared😢 thank you for the information it was desperately needed.

[@deadaccountidontuse]

My covert narcissist is very well known on a streaming platform, their community often acts in the same way a cult does, covering up and turning a blind eye and defending the narcissist for all their continuous abuse and shitty behavior in public and especially in private. It's bizarre what people will do when they look up to someone who is so manipulative. Edit: I'm going to add here that they also act as flying monkeys. It's absurd that huge groups of people can be so easily manipulated and attack people simply because the person they look up to said so. The internet is an insane place. These videos have been helping me for the past year and a half to discover and uncover that I was in fact indocrinated and used and abused by this narcissist. Unfortunately for another soul he has found a new supply just like clockwork. I'm curious to see how it plays out and I hope he is good to her but I know there's always going to be something in it for him. Selfishly, I'm just glad I am finally free from him and all his flying monkeys who claimed to be my friends for over a year. He now has a new supply to focus on.

[@mortythepug]

Dr Ramani, i found this so useful. After watchng your video, I sat down and wrote a list of all the wrong things that were said about me. I started in my childhood and continued, the list, with my second husband. His list was huge! It's been 1.5 years out, and I'm still healing, from the 12 years with him. There is so much processing and re defining who i actually am, and it's NONE of the things he said i was!! I was also mandated, from my job, just before my marriage broke down). Yep i no longer paid most of the mortgage and half of the bills, so i became useless to him and he moved on, quickly! So i did just what u suggested, i took time out to study, ground, meditate, a bit of travel, connecting and playing with my 12 yo son. Im loving life now. Sure, i have days where it's hard.i thought i was married for life, and we'd work things out when i separated. I miss having a family to care for. But i dont miss living with an angry, blaming, nasty, cold covid narc! So thank you for all your advice, over the last few years. ❤❤❤

[@snowyowlz5992]

I found to effectively deprogram it may well take much longer than a year, however we didn’t have a whole lot of information 30 years ago.

[@camelotenglishtuition6394]

I guess it depends how long you were in it..

[@eetchooarn]

Thanks Dr.Ramani. I’ve heard that narcissistic relationships are like cults but that comparison was scary nonetheless! Thank you for the reminder and for the encouragement!

[@kylepetit]

Dr. Ramani is such a legend that if she were to start her own cult I would be the first person signing up at the booth. Having been born and raised into an actual cult by an npd mother and a flying monkey father, I'm still on year 5 of deprogramming. After watching this video for the first time I have hope that fully healing is in fact achievable and possible. Much gratitude to you Dr. Ramani for sharing this highly informative and empowering information. 🙏

[@docmitchell23]

Thank you for the work you do Dr Ramani. Your podcast with Dr Janja helped my wife and me make sense of the past few months. We left a cult masquerading as a church after 7 years. Moral injury, bounded choice…it was all there. Thankful we have a healthy church community we are visiting. It provided contrast so we can clearly see the differences. Freedom is something I am committed to zealously holding onto from now on. Thanks again.

[@TouchdownJesusMB]

🌺🌺🌺 Dr. Ramani & Team~ I have immense Gratitude for sharing knowledge & wisdom that we need!🌺🌺🌺 Blessings!! 💞💞💞

[@t.f.6297]

Gosh this is so true. Took me years of therapy to deprogram from my exhusband. Then had to deal with the childhood trauma that led me into this type of marriage to begin with.

[@SherryWilson-dk7bo]

Thank you Dr.Ramani. This is the honest truth and I really appreciate it ❤🙏

[@patrickbinford590]

Excellent, excellent analysis of all things narcissist/cult leader. ♥️ The system of cult structure and "moving up" could be substituted for one with growing into a living and learning mode. And that means happiness (but without the promises, just the present moment awareness which has its own love and empowerment). Twoness as REAL relationship. Not the "oneness" of the narcissist. YES. Take back your sovereignty. Deprogramming. (Unlearning too). Being GOOD to YOU.

[@sarinagoches]

You always make the videos I most need Dr Ramani! You are majority of the reason I built the strength to leave my narcissistic marriage early. These type of videos help me to heal! Only married for 1year and half, together for 4, but it did so much damage! Thank you so so much for all the work you do Dr Ramani. I've read all of your books and I can't wait to pre-order this new one! You nail it every time and you have given me so many realisations that I knew but didn't know how to verbalise and you have made sense of things that made no sense to me. Your videos make me feel like I'm in a kick ass therapy session and are comforting. They reminded me why I was safety planning to leave and have finally left. You have almost single handedly seriously changed my life for the better! It's been just over 1 month from leaving him, it HAS NOT been easy and I have a long road ahead, but I'm so relieved to be out! Thank you ❤❤

[@johnnydephilo]

thank you so much for another brilliant and generous conversation. Amazing.

[@dreamscape405]

TYSM❤❤❤this channel has been instrumental in my healing experience, and many others as well. It's truly a gift ❤❤❤

[@44kayleemic]

My intial reactions to him in the immediate devalue stage once he had moved into my home and deliberately given up his apartment were correct and healthy. He got me to believe that they were childish and incorrect. Then i became so confused and embarrassed by it and he would regularly use it to prove how far along in my healing i had come compared to what i was like when he first moved in. i realised when I finally got him out of home and i was dealing with NPD that it was the part of me that he murdered! Its been 13 months NC, i still don't know where she is, i feel her sometimes but shes been stuffed down and silenced for so long and to such an extent that she is afraid to return. I hope she comes back. I need her.

[@tiffymoore]

I was with my narcissist since I was 17 I'm now 43 It's been almost 2yrs and I've experienced a kind of self actualization! Like seeing myself as an individual for the 1st time. I even realize most of my likes weren't really mine. They were mearly compromises because of him. I'm learning who I am as a separate for the 1st time and it's liberating!

[@carnationbeauty181]

Wonderful video. The part where you highlight 'What deprogramming looks like' is the best guideline to healing from narcissistic abuse. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani.

[@kimberlyhartley82]

Thank you Dr. Ramani. This advice is helpful as to establishing normal boundaries for safety. I appreciate your wisdom. It is soothing to the mind.

[@markopolisbalhaus3806]

Thank you for your work Doctor Ramani. You are a blessing.

[@dougparent7609]

You just described Scientology which I am a survivor of. Well stated.

[@shanemeduri3067]

Dr Ramani, you have bought so much information to me and my family members. I am in Australia, and struggling. I hope you get the chance to come down under, I would love to meet you. You are fearless and powerful, and I am sorry you had to learn to be like this. I wish you were here right now.

[@thisishimanii]

It’s very difficult to heal from a narcissistic relationship. Idk when this constant anxious feeling will go away.

[@1Gibson]

Over time, it will go away.

[@thisishimanii]

@@1Gibson I hope.!

[@microdosenyc4515]

It really does… we are changed from these relationships…but the anxiety dissipates eventually.

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

I had that same anxiety when I was living with the disordered person in my life.

[@thisishimanii]

@@melisentiapheiffer3034 I got to know after breakup that my person has NPD and it is just hard to forget the disrespect, how they devalued and put me in self doubt.

[@mariacontos2715]

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! I have no words!!!! GOD BLESS YOU!!!! I listen to your videos and you have made such a difference in my life clarifying things and making me realize that I am not crazy for thinking what I think! GOD BLESS YOU LADY!!!!

[@AAXS-op1vo]

The noisy scaffolding description is a highly accurate depiction! That description resonated with me when you said that. I was in a long narc marriage and I am in the process of reprogramming my relationships with my aging parents, who I have good but not necessarily HEALTHY relationships with. I have had to redraw some boundary lines with them and they have NOT been happy about it. When you start the inner work of the rebuild from the collapse of a narc marriage you will inevitably be led to problems and less than healthy issues originating from your family of origin. The work must go on. . . you must do the hard work to uncover your true north. Believe me, when you find it and begin to CLAIM it, folks are gonna be upset about it. Claim it anyway as it is YOURS!

[@cindyh-s4432]

I needed to hear this today. Thank you for sharing !

[@ginaxellos3224]

So excited for your new book!! "should I stay or should I go" was life-changing for me ❤ - it helped me to leave my marriage where I was being physically abused.. it saved my life

[@terriwhalen3618]

Thank you so much. I truly needed to hear this.

[@benniecampbell3973]

Yep this the Absolute Truth and the Raw Truth!!! This is my experience!!!

[@springtime8029]

Something kept telling me not to have children with him

[@leadingbyxample]

Me too. I knew that would be my demise. It angered him that I didn't want to "give him a baby." The thought disgusted me. It should have been a red flag, but it wasn't.

[@jayatimehta1270]

You’re so knowledgeable! Thank you for sharing this

[@jessicaabbott10]

Wow, you hit this so hard on the nail. Good video. Powerful and validating.

[@TheKriscg]

Thank you so much for posting this! Much appreciated ❤

[@alianajacobs5703]

Thank you for explaining it Dr Ramani unfortunately I don't have people who get me in real life. Except you from a far and from your healing program that's the first step right. You are my heroine! Thanks for sharing your knowledge with us! I feel like you are the professor I never got to meet in real life!🥰

[@kurotoshironosenshi]

The depth of your analysis of this topic is wonderfully delightful, Doc. I've enjoyed learning from your video very much. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!

[@privateprivate8366]

Yes, I’ve been under the impression that cultism is on a spectrum, along with there being different size cults, the smallest of them being in a relationship of two or as a family. Even in my own family, what seemed to be pretty normal for years? Once my mother seemed to decline or open up into narcissistic behavior, it felt like there was a Will to create a cult of 2-3 people, for the purpose of having me die, if necessary, to either make my stepfather’s name what she thought it should be and/or to muzzle me, from spreading any news, as I was her confidante during that tumultuous marriage. I also know someone else, who it feels like their family is a cult, of sorts, with them being the scapegoat. If it’s not been the occasional whispers of doubt, to reign me in, it’s been the occasional, monotone, programming voice, to advise and remind me, that my family narcissistic situation, is for life. Because, essentially, they haven’t wanted me to escape my own situation, anyone than they’ve escaped their own. They both admire and hate my resilience. When they talk in that monotone sort of voice occasionally, I can almost hear someone talking TO them, programming them into compliance, silence and also proselytizing whomever else needs to be infected with the same frame of thought. The good thing is that I’m a very independent and aware person. Despite what happened in my family, I feel visceral recognition and rejection for it.

[@keariewashburn4680]

This is a very important video Dr Ramani ❤ thank you

[@magalipeysha]

I relate so much. This was very helpful!

[@elaynepallist572]

Another fantastic breakdown! After surviving a narcissist relationship, it does get better... the best thing that came from dealing with my nightmare narc family and first boyfriend is that I now know what to avoid. These days I see more and more people being lured into cults that pass themselves off as something else (usually they want to “save the world!”). I even had to deal professionally with an “activist" group that gave me the creeps and it was only due to my newly found understanding of its problematic dynamics and first hand experience with other toxic groups that I was able to see it for what it was.

[@jrhc3827]

Thank you for this and for all you do.

[@jokendrick2124]

Took me a while but I returned to the person I was. My narcissistic sisters wish I had stayed the person I was with my narcissistic husband because I compromised far more than I did before I met my husband and after he died. I returned to the take no prisoners person I was before my narcissist husband. Possibly what saved me somewhat was I was 32 when I married so I already had a strong sense of myself.

[@swissherbgirl2917]

Yea and I kept saying bec.my husband was 32 when he married me ,he had established a strong sense of selfishness, and this is why I suffered under him. Not saying you are selfish. But in my case it made him to strong for me

[@jokendrick2124]

@@swissherbgirl2917 Well I was a hard charging fighter before I met my husband so I gave him a good run for his money. I couldn't have lasted as long as I did had I not been such a fighter. He "knocked me down" a little but I kept fighting back or going on road trips untill he died. Karma. (If he had ever been physical that would have been a deal breaker but he wasn't.) I understand what you are saying though. Hope you are better now.

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

Good stuff. I had a narky family of origin. My first Narky Ex was bad, but once I figured out it was the same script as my Narky family, then I turned to "No Quarter Asked, and None Given." He still doesn't know what hit him.@@jokendrick2124

[@phoenixd9679]

Thank you Dr. Ramani 💐💜! I am really at this point of healing 💜🙏🦋

[@atlasadonis3752]

Thank you so very much for all your free information and advice ❤.

[@jamiehatfield3263]

Ur amazing and have not only help me by helping me heal I have been able to affect others and actually make an impact on the people around me and some people that even know just little things because I'm just now starting to do get all this thank you

[@D__Cain]

Thank you for this and can’t wait to get this book !

[@aprilfox1057]

Thank you Dr Ramani, I found your video so informative and relatable. It’s a work in progress, but I certainly understand a great deal more about my twin sister. We are identical. She tells everyone we’re identical, i don’t tell anyone. I don’t see any aspect me of that is even remotely similar to my sister. How can we be so different. Mostly, thank you.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Totally what I needed to hear right now, thank you ❤

[@angelathornbury3750]

My spirits are always uplifted when I listen to Dr. Ramani thank-you so much I really appreciate these talks

[@dianal5668]

I never feel 'grounded' right after a discard. An uneasy, unsettled feeling takes over and it takes time for that to dissipate and get back to 'normal'.

[@FordGreeneLawyer]

Right on the money Ramani. I am a former deprogrammer (see Moonwebs: Journey Into the Mind of a Cult) and effective anti-cult litigator (see Molko v. Holy Spirit Association (1988) 42 Cal. 3d 1092). Everything you say about large scale cults and one on one narcissistic relationships is spot on.

[@sleepydoppy8516]

My exs family is horrible. Whe she attempted suicide, her Dad pulled my son into his room and told him that it was my fault and even if I'm gone, he is still part of the family. My son was 16. When my son told me, I think my whole body and brain blew up. But, I said, what his grandfather said was coming from his own pain and guilt. What your mom did was in no way his fault or mine or his brother. So yes narc families are horrible. It was easy for me to see it in him, but I couldn't see it in her. I saw it in her sister. But I did not want to see it in her. Smh. Well i guess I should journal now. 😮

[@korab.23]

As he was tearing our marriage apart, I went thru a phase where I was fascinated by people breaking out of cults, I'd binge watch a series about it.❤

[@springtime8029]

I didn't realise he was never by my side I believed it was his job as a soldier that kept him away. He never loved me the day after our wedding day

[@gracepeterson7483]

It took me 10 years to deprogram from my cultish therapist. Although it's been almost 30 years, I still have dreams about him.

[@eileenanderson6644]

I love your videos, but this one in particular is perfectly timed. I'm leaving a long term narcissist relationship, literally selling my home and moving 800 miles away, to be closer to family. The loss of self is huge and disturbing, but my faith has kept me somewhat connected to my soul. Your tips are excellent and I'm going to follow each one 100% I look forward to your book in February and can't express my gratitude for your gentle heart and caring soul. You've made this transition more understandable, which is empowering. Thank you ❤️

[@mollycote1021]

Man, this hits home! Thank you Dr. Ramani

[@nataliebell6866]

Ordered your book...it's arriving today👍

[@genevalawrence801]

Dr. Ramani, I was getting chills as you described the process of a cult and realized how completely it aligned with my former marriage to a malignant narcissist. Yikes.

[@TranscendingTrauma]

You are bringing healing to the world ❤ thank you for making it a more understanding place

[@AirestDionSkinTherapy]

Wow! You know what dawned on me while watching this video? Colonialism operates just like a cultic system. Living in white America as an indigenous person of African descent feels a lot like how you describe a person being in a cult. It’s been almost a year since I left a narcissistic romantic relationship. Overall, this video provided such helpful information. I now have more grace in my healing journey and feel encouraged to prioritize intentional time for deprogramming.

[@jamiehatfield3263]

You know my narcissistic relationship was with my mom and now that I'm getting this and being able to heal in learning how things are done I'm doing to her what she should have done to me like she didn't show me empathy compassion attention and so forth well right now I'm shocked since I've learned that I'm showing that to her and either she's a really really really good or actually impacting her and thank you for that

[@grapesoda3414]

I grew up Mormon and I remember the last time I spoke with the bishop I told him that a "relationship with god" is an abusive relationship. And I will have no part of it. I will do what I wish and continue on my path of being better than I was yesterday and coming to peace within myself. Ten years later I can say I am 💯 better off now. I love who I am and have found peace and confidence in reality and sanity.

[@christineplaton3048]

Unbelievable how common this is theoughout modern life. This is an excellent presentation. Very important to remain a detached and strong individual than be controlled.