The Narcissism Doctor: THESE Toxic Patterns Are Signs You're Dealing With A Narcissist

Dr. Ramani, a licensed clinical psychologist, is back for another eye-opening discussion on narcissistic personalities.
In this interview, you'll learn:
- How to identify a narcissist
- How to heal from an abusive relationship
- How to regain your self-confidence
- How to let go of a toxic relationship
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:09 How To Diagnose Narcissism
05:41 Why Narcissistic People Make History
9:28 How To Not Attract A Narcissist
11:27 Patterns Of A Narcissistic Relationship
18:11 Why People Get Stuck In Toxic Relationships
21:45 The Long-Term Impact Of Narcissistic Abuse
28:21 You Can Empathize And Not Forgive
30:42 What Is Radical Acceptance?
32:39 The Importance Of Flexibility In Our Psyche
35:20 Grief is the Most Human Experience
38:06 How To Recreate Your Own Subjective Focus
44:13 How To Pull Yourself Away From Gaslighting
48:58 Can a Narcissist Ever Heal?
Episode Resources:
doctor-ramani.com/
/ doctorramani
/ @doctorramani
/ doctorramani
www.amazon.com/Its-Not-You-Id...
Want to learn to coach like Jay Shetty? Discover how here: gtly.to/PMlHc6JZw

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

What lesson did you learn from Dr. Ramani? I’d like to invite you to join this community and subscribe to the channel. By hitting the 'Subscribe' button, you're not just becoming a subscriber - you're choosing to make a positive difference in your life.

[@kannank1087]

😂😂 ! So funny man

[@cathrinenzimande8906]

My biggest lessons from watching Dr Ramani on all platforms is to always be kind to others, ourselves and to practice deep Introspection. This prevents us from I'll treating others and to be able to see when others are treating us I'll.

[@darkcrystalmagik3369]

2:07

[@RC-vb1hz]

Dismantled brick by brick struck a cord with me.

[@Gardenwitch1954]

She rocks❤

[@thebigh9324]

When they keep getting angry at you for no reason , that is a BIG SIGN to go !!

[@cbeachbaby266]

And yet, you aren’t allowed to get upset about really big crap they do. It’s exhausting.

[@jussgray]

That irrational anger was so so frustrating.

[@Dingle1234]

I see people allowing their rage to spin out of control, where they become devoid of reason, like a mad dog. Do you try to reason with a mad dog?

[@Belluser-we1uc5cb2l]

​@@jussgrayThat's how they push you away. You should leave ,run, don't look back!

[@user-re7wt2yc8b]

So true.

[@jackym4652]

The loss of yourself when you’re in a narcissistic relationship is so sad

[@northernfox6420]

And it is so hard to try and rediscover yourself. You feel like a shell of your former self since doubt is your normal.

[@dixiewinxeqandmore356]

It's taken me years to recover. I still feel shamed.

[@merncat3384]

​@@dixiewinxeqandmore356 I no longer feel shame. I feel anger and regret for the years that I lost.

[@Angela-on6cd]

All those hours lost of one’s life trying to work out what the hell was going on. Going over every argument , every betrayal , every instance where they muddied the waters or every time they were vacant when you were giving it your all and your honesty but what helps is knowing that their dysfunction runs deep, that they’re not well in the head and you’re not to blame.

[@merncat3384]

@@meetalisingh5874 😔

[@s.d.mitchell9505]

Dr Ramani saved my life from a gaslighting, physically abusive narcissist. I knew something was wrong with him, I assumed it was ME...then I came across her on KZbin and she described what I had been living. It took me a couple of years to prepare to leave...my spirit had been so crushed, he stole who I was...he beat me down so far I didn't think I deserved much. Dr Ramani turned my light back on, understanding it wasn't ME , gave me the courage to leave. I planned, I saved $$$, I built my self confidence back up and left!!! THANK YOU for saving me!! At 70 yrs old I am free to live my remaining years in peace.

[@charcoalgray2401]

Wow, you're an inspiration showing that it's never too late to get out. God bless you!

[@priyankapriyanka749]

I am 40…. Now my turn to achieve green And I deserve better life

[@Cy-bz9jh]

I, too, kept a list in my head of preparations, of things I had to achieve (silently, stealthily, while pretending everything was the same) until one day I was ready. It took 2 years. I didn't even have a car!! But escaping was the best feeling I had felt in 3 years. The careful planning is hard since it doesn't come naturally, but I copied the narcissist in scheming and trickery and plotting and lying. It's been 4 years but living alone is still better than feeling worthless, never good enough and being told that it's better if I never speak. I'm 68 now and at peace. I joined the long list of his wives (6 that I know of) that "stole his money, was crazy, and abused his good nature". Umm, okay. As long as he stays far away from me, I will only tell my story anonymously.

[@osajohnson1957]

Good for you!@@Cy-bz9jh

[@ainerisakhellchannel]

🙏🏽👏🏽❤

[@bettymoncrief1956]

It is painful. You don't trust your own thoughts. You think you are so faulty because you have become worthless the gaslighting is real. You become convinced that you are unloveable.

[@janecumby]

I am a survivor. My motto is “Don’t look back, you are not going that way”.

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

❤❤❤

[@1948rambo]

It’s like accepting a cat is not a dog. No matter how hard you try to train the cat- he’ll never be a dog!!!!

[@1948rambo]

I don’t believe you can get off the train until you really understand it.

[@1948rambo]

Forgiving them is different than allowing them to do it again!

[@1missy40]

💪🏽🙌🏽💯🥰

[@cherylannebarillartist7453]

“ repeatedly forgiving a repeat perpetrator, actually harms the forgiver”. Well this is good clarity! Thank you.

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

❤❤❤

[@rachelsspaceyogabreathsoun7954]

Omg yes!! But it’s a trauma bond. The codependent can’t leave. As I am healing my own trauma and codependency. I am starting to understand the being a narcissist also comes from trauma and childhood abuse and neglect.‘ I’m not condoning or advocating narcissistic people but we are all healing from some sort of trauma.

[@katyb2793]

I must say I have to respectfully disagree. Only because i think our definition of forgiveness is a bit off. Forgiveness does not mean trusting, it does not mean I'm required to be vulnerable to that person, it does not mean I don't maintain strong boundaries based on the behaviour they have shown, it does not mean I believe they are a good person. Forgiveness means I don't expect anything from them, I don't believe they owe me anything, I wish them well, release them from any bond of unforgiveness, hatred etc. Unforgiveness really doesn't hurt them. It hurts us. Because we allow the hatred etc to fester and never leave. Instead of letting go of their abuse, maintaining strong and reasonable boundaries, not feeling required to trust them, and letting ourselves grieve, heal and move on. I find too I forgive them, and then later I feel unforgiving towards them. Did I not forgive in the first place? I don't think so. In my experience I just keep repeat forgiving them until it becomes a lot easier.

[@TR-ru7tb]

100% and most churches do not read the verses that say when they repent( meaning change behavior, then u forgive) ezekiel 18-19..evennin the Bible it never said to forgive people who don't turn from their behaviors..but psalms 1 and isaiah 59:8 isaiah 26:10 jer 13:23..so..people who say to forgive when they aren't sorry, well they don't know scripture either...❤

[@TR-ru7tb]

​@@rachelsspaceyogabreathsoun7954yeah but they don't want to heal ..they wanna make others hurt

[@queenchenna6772]

The longer a person is in a narcissistic relationship, the longer they have to abandon themselves. Whew! That right there!! 🎯🎯🎯

[@x-2954]

The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

[@GracyWambui]

Wow….seems like a story I have lived

[@keeyta333]

This is so relatable!

[@Shannon1250]

I definitely relate. All of it dose this investigator really work?

[@x-2954]

@@Shannon1250 of course 💯

[@magsl8793]

❤❤❤

[@DoctorRamani]

Thank you, Jay for having me back on your podcast!

[@thailanwhen]

Dr. Ramani, you’re a certified badass ❤ I love listening to you talk, your insights are brilliant, entertaining and easy to understand. Thank you

[@Aaashnative8]

Such a good verbal speaker ! How ??

[@Sorry.not.sorry.695]

Thank you for everything Doctor! You have helped so many.

[@tugnormoustuglicous1303]

You are a gift to this world both you and Jay. In my language (Cree-native american) we say Kinanaskomtin meaning I am extremely grateful

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

Thank YOU for being such a wonderful guest!

[@junecarter9330]

Wow!! Empathy as a trauma/survival response!! That resonated with me for sure. I’ve tolerate so much bs in the name of empathy!!

[@shirleyfrost9909]

Agree June..my narc mother tried to destroy me, body and soul. She died 20 years ago and I'm still dealing with the cruel words and deeds.

[@junecarter9330]

@@shirleyfrost9909 I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad that you survived what was intended to destroy you. I hope that you receive the strategies and healing that liberates you from the wounds of your past. 🙏🏾💖

[@mariahconklin4150]

Me to it does get old doesn’t it? I’m the one who gives complements to be nice even if someone still hurts me I tend to get over things quickly

[@P.Johanna]

@@mariahconklin4150I’m the same! It’s so draining.

[@user-kr9qv7zl4u]

Can Dr.pores send to me in UK?

[@lionizedlamb5178]

There's definitely a spiritual component to this. Empath vs narc, light vs dark dynamic!

[@goldenautumn3073]

I believe NPD is a form of demon possession - no doubt at all.

[@africanprincessmaya]

i believe this too

[@prizethought]

Givers versus takers. Best relationship is two selfless givers that genuinely love each other, not being just people pleasing to someone who only wants & loves their ego validation or how they can use you instead of genuinely loving you as a person.

[@chelseapalmer4501]

I think that too

[@brianlogan6011]

No it’s not

[@TheRealCwizz]

Dealing with narcissistic parents that tormented you, abused you mentally and physically is something else man. I pray for everyone who's going through this to go through and stay strong💪♥️

[@sa-ra3248]

How I grew up Had kids with one Was single for 10 years Ended up with another narcissist TRYING TO LEAVE AFTER ONE YEAR OF ABSOLUTE TORMENT I’m Fuch EXHAUSTED CANNOT GET AWAY FROM THEM HONESTLY WOULD RATHER BE ALONE THAN KEEP TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE

[@meghnamehta7694]

I feel you...we need to heal on a daily basis

[@maayame3153]

Living with a narc mother is like living In a closed room with no windows and Door .they make sure to character assassinate you in the mean while overly love bombing their so called sons who they manipulate into believing they are the victims of everything that has happened to them and yes of course you are the one that gets blamed for everything and anything the food that u eat the eay that you eat the clothes that you wear the way you look talk or your existence in general is a fucking problem for them they trigger you and gaslight you to ab extent that your righteous rage and your out burst is a fuel to their sinister false self where they go like "see this is how she behaves this is how she is this is what she does to me " and there u are presented as a real life villain with no compassion no respect a liar and a trouble some individual who eats off other people's livelihood..this is how a narsassistic saddist parent "mother" makes you in front the whole world..Am planning my exit coz they leave us with no choice .it's is hard to be starting everything from scratch but that's the only way..

[@shellbell8062]

I remember that loss of identity so clearly when I left my narcissistic husband. I had no idea of who I was anymore. Before that relationship I was always someone who loved clothing and dressing well, so I took myself off to Topshop (still in my twenties) to treat myself. I remember looking around thinking "what do I like? who am I? What is my style?" I really had no idea. I felt completely lost, like I had lost my whole identity. It took years to get myself back; and now I am so sure of who I am, and happy with who I am - more than most. I think when you have gone through this and done all of the painstaking work (that takes years) you actually end up with a stronger sense of self than most.

[@annjohnson8437]

Whew! That sounds so familiar!

[@crystalH30]

Did you suffer from anxiety of any sort?

[@shellbell8062]

Yes, especially social anxiety. If you have lost your sense of self you feel like an alien in social situaitons. I smoked weed and self isolated for a long time to numb out. @@crystalH30

[@MagicShiny]

​@@crystalH30 for me yes. but less and less with time. it s been 11 months only. but i m healing. I m not looking for news and i have no pictures. i cut everything. Sometimes i m watching myself still doing something for him some cloths he liked and then realise it s a mistake and i m starting a anxiety spiral. i have to take a walk or run and repeat myself, that now i m safe.

[@aussiemom3559]

My ex was only dx with NPD because of marital counseling. Never would have gone on his own.

[@rokoroo]

I had a person in a help group who had recently left a narcissistic relationship and then the narcissist died. She was asking how to feel about that, and several people were saying to forgive the narcissist, but I told her it's ok to hate him even if he's dead. He did terrible things to you, and just because he died, that doesn't relieve him of the responsibility for having done those things. She thanked me profusely and it seemed to have helped her a lot to know that she wasn't a bad person for not forgiving him.

[@middleofnowhere1313]

Forgiveness must be earned. I would never recommend someone to just give it away as a door prize either. The popular advice to do so is toxic af.

[@P.Johanna]

Forgiveness is for the perpetrator not the victim. That’s what society especially Bible thumpers have wrong.

[@gtaylor6937]

@@middleofnowhere1313 100% agree. Succumbing to pressure to forgive traumatizes you all over again - is toxic AF indeed. I wish there was a vaccine to cure people of this ridiculous idea. It's virtue signaling on an obscene scale.

[@robbrewer2036]

Yep hopefully the devil got them and the pitch fork is sharp.

[@ainerisakhellchannel]

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽✅✅

[@thompsonlauren1004]

There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com, where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........

[@yolandagrabowski6043]

Sorry, but, I don't have a voice.

[@user-dc6wz4dv3l]

This was very good. Leaving a narcissist is almost impossible. The reason why people don't leave their abusers is because the abuser has it set up where they assume it's impossible for their victim to leave and they remind their victim continually of this. That's why it's called abuse because your well-being and mind are harmed daily where it becomes hard to envision a way out. They keep you in their manipulative loop and exhaust you daily. They sometimes somehow make you feel sorry for them in the process. If and when you do leave you may have damaged all your faculties and the recovery is a long process especially if they start a post-separation campaign convincing everyone you've ever known you are the problem which in turn slows down your healing process and leaves you to heal alone. All of this is intentional they will do anything to hide their true lifestyle even projecting their lifestyle onto you. Thank you for your understanding it's a lonely road to travel but worth the freedom.

[@wisdomworker7481]

I went through all of this with no guidance. It forever changed me. There aren't words for the pain. Never again. Never. ❤

[@cherylnathanodette]

Oh I hope you are alright, seek help if you are suffering.

[@carole9409]

I resonate. ❤ I've heard it called the "Dark Night of the Soul" from PTSD. to Peace 😊 # Education # No Contact!

[@lynnebucher6537]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm not the same since my last relationship, which was with a narcissist with BPD combined, as far as I can tell.

[@wisdomworker7481]

@@lynnebucher6537 we learn and we grow. It's all we can do. ❤

[@carole9409]

Your words resonate with me. No words for the pain! It's changed me. Betrayal/abuse I would not wish on anyone! # healing. Namaste 🙏 ❤

[@c.ronthemic7450]

“A mentally healthy person has slot of flexibility in their psyche” what a game changer, this points everything into perspective all the things i knew, but now know.🙏

[@lallasultana1037]

Yes

[@lpine4211]

That's exactly it! That's how you know.... 🙏

[@CoffeeNLiveMusicLiaison]

it’s ESSENTIAL: flexibility. a key to life game. stay teachable. be flexible

[@tiffany392002]

Wow ! Definitely a gamer-changer because most don’t have this slot of flexibility in basic communication let alone a relationship.😩

[@chelseapalmer4501]

I never thought of that, good point 😊

[@DavidVelasquez9]

Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it

[@ManyWeidman]

there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

[@DavidVelasquez9]

its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.

[@ManyWeidman]

this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.

[@DavidVelasquez9]

If you look up Shelly Renee White online, you will find all the information you need. Thank you.

[@yviwo8122]

In a relationship with a narcissist there is no solution. Except losing yourself, your confidence and getting hurt by the other person anyways seems to be a solution for you.

[@Shhimasecret]

I got out of a 13 almost 14 year “relationship” with someone who’s this exact way. The feelings I felt were exactly this. I abandoned my entire self. I was a shell. I’m now with an amazing man who consistently treats me amazing, who is validating, who truly cares about me and supports me. They are out there!! Do whatever you have to do to leave. Even if you have kids(I have 1 with my ex) it’s hard but it’s worth every moment!

[@Amaje311]

Dr. Ramani probably saved my life. Thought I was going crazy and I was so broken, I thought everything that went wrong in my familial relationships was my fault because they told me so. The grief was overwhelming when I finally saw the truth and realized the family I thought I had was all in my head. Narc mother, golden child brother and sister, then me bending over backwards to please everyone--the scapegoat. I am so tired, emotionally and psychologically. I am so tired.

[@c.ronthemic7450]

Hope you are doing well, and are able to get through the storm. 🙏

[@mariahconklin4150]

Omg sounds just like my life! My dad left my mom and I have a half sister now and a step mother and my half sister is like this golden child and now my brother is he went from being agnostic to a fake Christian and is a predator. I’ve told my mom multiple times about him and she just ignores me. She wants an apology from me and I won’t give it to her. She says she has apologized plenty of times no it’s always bs. She says, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s not an apology. And I’m just the dumb people pleaser and I’m over it

[@dmix2263]

Love yourself.. self care You can heal. Focus on the people you can love

[@MT-tx7bu]

I wanted to tell you, you're not alone in that. I had to come to the same conclusion. I'm many years into it and, although they've reached out, I no longer hold them up to the degree that I did. I just live my own life and put the energy into that. Best wishes to you! Stay strong

[@kaylees1072]

I get this. I'm the oldest sister aka the family manager and I got coerced into taking on everyone's problems with family deaths, cancer diagnoses, and drug addicts in the family. I took all this on while going through a divorce.

[@user-anot53ou1]

These relationships are abusive relationships. By saying something is narcissistic, we need to remind ourselves that these behaviours are abuse. I would reframe this as abusive relationships. The term narcissistic often times gives the abuser an excuse for why they are abusive.

[@kaoshi_kutie]

Really good point! They tend to be very abusive , highly manipulative and deceptive individuals. So glad for people like Dr Ramani who are spreading awareness and understanding ❤

[@palapalak.8907]

Facts!

[@sherriflemming3218]

Disrespect and abuse is closure. No contact is the permanent solution!

[@atirliag2833]

The marriage with a full on narc went for 25years, at the 20 year mark I received a breast cancer diagnosis, with the full treatment of mastectomy of the right breast, A chemo round the kind that my hair fell out, at this point I had no idea what Or who I was married to, next radiation then a letrozole 1 tablet per day, I still take that tablet, 5 years after that now I know exactly what I married, the stress of the devaluation stage I think it was this stage as he did not bother anymore with any pleasantries my hair was falling out, I still did not know I thought the cancer had came back. He actually complained that the cancer fxxxed me in the head. Everything changed from then, according to the narc, the cancer affected his life, he really baited me, and antagonised me more than ever, the sexual relations stopped then also. He gaslighted me into believing I was fxxxed in the head from the chemo, I was exhausted for the next five years still blaming the cancer, then I absolutely without a doubt caught him in a lie, from there the marriage fell off a cliff and smashed into a million pieces, he faked sickness and took a 8 day hospital visit with discharge papers reading no bleeding ulcers, not sure if this was his version of some kind of hoover, it was simply worse than cancer dealing with this creature is not human. He was removed from my house by police , I've been no contact for 7 months since August 2023, I found you tube and pages like this, getting the education, the last couple of weeks I have experienced days whith out anxiety and feeling like my old self, the education I received from channels like this, he ticked everybody, have no real proof of cheating, I'm excepting it came with the territory, and don't care actually, just so peaceful at home now, love my peace, I'm loving myself now at 61, looking forward to my peaceful future, life, and am completely open to life's treasures. I have had the luxury of no contact. Embracing the escalation yes.

[@jennywarren]

It helps at first to know why, but it becomes draining and pointless after a while if you keep beating yourself up about it. It does help to know that that's just how they are and it's not personal. They just saw something beneficial, think of it that way.

[@LindaBarberBrown]

38 years married to one. I wish I had known this way back then. Thank you for trying to educate people before they have to live through HELL

[@andrewbeckman7687]

What do narcissists expect in a long-term relationship? You will read on Quora, among the Bot accounts, and AI generated answers, that narcissists do not empathize, that they do not attach. This is of course specious nonsense - narcissists have fully functional negative empathy, and can attach to you negatively; the narcissist is ready and willing to hate you forever. Be careful who you let into your life, as some of your visitors may refuse to leave. You may wish to help someone, but help yourself first. It's better to be alone than attract the attention of the living dead, as just like the herpes they so often carry, narcissists are for life,I CALL THEM the THE “5 EFFS OF NARCISSISM” better known as the: “I DON’T GIVE 5 FLYING FUCKS” OF NARCISSISM” Fast-as in a Lightning Fast Connection. Everything moves fast. Pushing for sex the first time you’re alone. Then: “Hey, let’s move in together! Yeah, it’s only been a week but I love you.” Saying I love you fast. Like the second time you see them. Never leaving your side. Being with a covert narcissist is like having great cell-phone service on a cheap knockoff phone. You have a Lightning-fast Connection but without quality construction and good materials YOUR cheap phone will fall apart so fast it won’t matter how great your connection is. Favors-things you didn’t ask for. They ingratiate themselves with you. Buying your favorite foods, running to the store, let me help, let me get you this, let me do that. Paying for small things-drinks, cigarettes, fast food, never anything big. But things you never ask for. Coverts store these things up like long-lasting batteries in an Energizer Bunny and one day you’ll be expected to reciprocate. It’s now your turn to lovebomb them the way they lovebombed you at the beginning. When you don’t or won’t or can’t do this, the narcissist will turn on you suddenly and viciously. Fantasies-they create a fantasy world inhabited by exactly 2 people. You and the covert. In that world anything is possible. You’re rich and famous. You’re the most beautiful. Everyone is envious of you. And you’re expected to buy into the fantasy 200 percent. FANTASY ISLAND isn’t just a lame 70’s tv show. It’s where you and the covert narcissist live together. It’s where you both pretend the narcissist is perfect and superior. It’s where you pretend you don’t see all the godawful things he’s done to you. Finicky - everything is their way or the Highway. You can do nothing right after a certain point in the devaluation process. Coverts will pick you apart for breathing. For existing. They’ll provoke you into erupting with contempt towards them, then use your reaction to confirm their own cognitive distortions and wrong thinking about you. See? You are a shitty person. They knew that. You just treated them with the contempt they expected from you (you were only fighting back but that’s just semantics) Narcissists are like toddlers toting around a grownup body. And like most toddlers they can be FINICKY. Finicky Eaters are five-year-olds who refuse broccoli. A covert narcissist is finicky too-about your behavior, your tone, the mere hint of a double standard from you, whether you constantly meet their exacting standards of “fairness”, whether you utter sounds in the correct way to avoid offending their “royal person”, and whether you satisfactorily reorder your surroundings to best suit their comfort. You best be digging for those freezer-burnt chicken nuggets because there’s no way the Covert will ever eat the broccoli youre trying to FOIST on him. Finished - they will discard you in the most calloused and brutal way possible. In the end they’ll blame you for everything and treat you like shit and ghost you. They will smear you to anyone and everyone. They will make you sound Utterly Insane. Completely batshit crazy. On top of all of this, they will be seethingly angry with YOU when they tortured you for months or years. FINES. FINISHED. GONE. GHOSTED. YA BURNT. IT’S OVER. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M ONLY HERE BECAUSE YOU BEGGED ME TO STAY. LET IT GO ALREADY. YOU’RE PATHETIC. LOVE YOU? I DONT LOVE YOU. I DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU. You start out thinking you found the nicest person in the world. You begin by thinking you’ve found your soul mate. YOU end pondering how broke you are and wondering if you can buy a bullet and rent a gun. Don’t do that. Do exactly why you’re doing. Get on Quora. Read. Let knowledge lift you out of the poverty of human decency you’ve been existing in. Let the victims of narcissistic abuse lift you up with the common experiences we all share. At the end of covert abuse, or while it’s still happening, the worst part is feeling completely alone. Quora let’s you know you’re not alone. There are thousands of people just like you who have suffered at the hands of narcissists. They’ve suffered, but more importantly, they made it through the wilderness, regained their lives and took control of their destinies. AND TODAY THEY ARE THRIVING.

[@NoorRoxana]

“If i let this person in again, i know they’ll do it again”…. Damn i needed to hear that. And i do also believe you don’t need to forgive them to move on.

[@thozamabusakwe5608]

Narcissists are sometimes pseudo-empathetic, even beyond the winning you over. I know one who speaks in a low tone, never yells asks you how you are doing but its all to check boxes and to make you feel bad each time you even think they are a "bad" person. Something about this personality trait feels premeditated and dangerous

[@mamababy7708]

Hi, can I ask what do u mean by premeditated and dangerous?

[@healthbar8439]

​@@mamababy7708it means they know how to control their tones of voice which is apart of the manipulation tactics. They are dangerous because they are acting and have developed the skill of mastering deception thru masking their intention and their true feelings. Pretending to authentically care when they don't. Pretending to not be angry (calm tone) yet are truly angry inside. Those people are dangerous because they intent is to harm you by extracting information from you in order to cause harm, not to cause joy or elevate you.

[@healthbar8439]

​​@@mamababy7708 premeditated indicates they planned on pretending to care and show empathy (they planned out being fake). They are dangerous because their false empathy is only to gain something from you which more than likely will cause hurt. It's like the bible says, the devil comes as a form of light (he knows some truth yet only comes to steal, kill, destroy)

[@ST-yc7uj]

@@healthbar8439 this descrihes a covert narcissist

[@avaagolli2259]

@@healthbar8439you have put it so accurately -

[@elizabethtovar3603]

This makes so much sense... biblical scripture constantly and consistently says ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’, ‘humble yourself’... ‘consider others better than yourself’... ‘a friend is willing to die for another’... ‘pride comes before the fall’. It says Satan’s downfall was his pride. He is the ultimate narcissist. Creating little narcissists whenever and wherever he can.

[@manojajacob8769]

The Pharsees n king saul are typical example

[@kaitlincox9714]

Absolutely!!! Look at the story of nabal and Abigail. God protected her. Even Jacob was a narc. Look at how he manipulated his dad and brother. How he treated his wife Leah vs his favorite wife Rachel. It's described so many places in God's word. I believe He opened my eyes to see the evil. He is strengthening me. Even though I feel broken Jesus is Faithful. If the story isn't good, then the story isn't done.

[@teresadvorak6145]

I was reading somewhere, there is a demon named narciss. There is other demons with names also. There is a demon named sarcas. Those 2 d names right there sure sound like the roots of narcissism & sarcasm! I do not like them. My heart & soul belong to Jesus ❤❤❤❤❤

[@cella-di5jb]

Proudly a survivor 🙌, is it the gaslighting, loss of identity, questioning who you are, low self esteem, the list goes on...the emotional abuse hurts more than the physical & verbal 😢. Thankful for liberation 🙏 I am healing and getting better everyday 💕 I can never go back to what broke me 👌 I detect red flags from a mile & just take a walk, my mental health is my top priority I have regained my self esteem & I love me with reckless abandon 😘 I add value to the world & I have so much more to offer

[@vickibazter3446]

TRAUMA BOND. Its like STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.

[@user-ok5bz6bd9b]

It is helping and doing favor for the abuser without understanding why, it is wondering for years why i m doing that? why i can not stop? why i m Afraid ? why this relationship is so powerful while i know something is wrong and i have to leave? Why i feel like zombie alive but dead at the same time ? Why i m like someone hypnotysed i want to leave but i can not i can not move? Like Stockholm syndrome no control of my actions, Sense of being in Fairytale or dream or nightmare, sense of surreality.

[@tammycharles742]

Totally

[@TranscendingTrauma]

@@user-ok5bz6bd9b exactly! Years ago when I was married to a narcissist, I felt all those things you just said, and it was before anyone was talking about narcissism and trauma bonding and I thought I feel like I have Stockholm syndrome!

[@TaylorElizabethHunt]

Cptsd

[@SarTafoolya]

Agree completely! At one point I was told by a very close friend that what was going on with me sounded like I was suffering with Stockholm syndrome I looked it up and it changed the way I looked at him! I was helping my abuser for years.

[@andreimj]

Dr Ramani saved my life. Her new book It's Not You is a gamechanger in the healing paradigm. Understanding narcissism is now the key for living a peaceful and happy life.

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

Agreed! ❤

[@goldenautumn3073]

I believe forgiveness only in fact encourages the narc to 'lock in' again to your relationship with them, and enable the abuse and control to continue. This is no 'ordinary' disorder - it's sick, vile, and totally obsessive. They once locked people away who could not operate safely and with respect to others in society: I believe NPD certainly is now at almost plague proportions and similar control should be implemented, for the safety of everyone ELSE in society. LONG after you've gotten away from the narc who's taken control of YOUR life, you find you then can 'forgive' on an intellectual level - but go them and tell them about that? NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.

[@pinkyalmeroth3702]

We're all evolving. 25 years ago we didn't even have a term for those microabuses or gaslighting. My stepmum always made sly comments, tones, looks, one liners that didn't seem overly abusive so you never did anything, you never even had a term for what it was she was doing. Now we have all grown in intelligence and experience and we now know what she was doing was abuse to me and she was probably a narcissist. I'm so glad we are all so aware. I love Dr Ramani. She's helped me so much

[@mohammedadnan4770]

Completely agree!

[@joeathisbest2]

Got outta a 9 year relationship with a narcissist. I bought into me always being the issue, her having so much control over what I do, what I say, and who I hang out with. I was always walking on eggshells and became this lifeless person cause I was afraid that whatever I do or say was gonna cause an argument. I became super depressed and got on medication for it. With the help of a therapist, I was able to eventually figure out what was going on. Therapist knew she was a narcissist but needed me to figure it out on my own. Which I did! Now, this is literally the happiest I've been in I can't even remember how long! I'm off my depression meds and I feel so good happy and clear minded! I'm now going on solo trips to other states and literally having the best trips ever!!! My new life quote is to "stop fearing, start living" . Don't be scared to stand up for yourself! Stop playing it safe, don't be scared to try something new. This was super powerful video

[@autumn4115]

Dr Ramani will never ever ever know just how much she has helped me. May God bless her will all that she needs and wants.❤

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

❤❤❤

[@robynmarler1951]

Amen 🌄

[@basicbase749]

Narcissism is deeply embedded in south asian, east European, middle eastern and Indian culture. Traditional good women are the biggest target for narcs! They love how serving and giving those women are, narcs love it. South asian culture has this normalized for generations, it’s not even looked at as weird. Women who create boundaries are tagged as selfish and bad women. Women are expected to embrace a life of suffering in silence

[@elizabethf9096]

That’s very sad glad you were awakened to it ❤️

[@Analysis_Paralysis]

@@elizabethf9096 It's not better in Western societies. Men in Western societies are simply more covert, passive-aggressive and manipulative than other men. I hope you will awaken to that truth someday. 💖

[@MK-wb1vu]

So sad 😢🙏🏾♥️

[@eleverett77]

My life has been wasted with narcissist abuse, there's nothing worse than being alone and feeling that you're a ghost who use to smile!

[@francoisgouws7288]

You're alone even when you're with them!

[@chrissyboo7903]

I've never agreed with forgiveness. I believe in letting that person go and moving on, and most of all, learning from that mistake and never making it again.

[@ericameyerchandelieralves]

Once you are hit with the reality of this type of toxic relationship and you finally see the real them, that's when we really feel so sad and happy at the same time. We really feel sorry for this sick person and we can't go back to living the lie. So you become cold towards them and it feels so bad to protect your own heart. But it is necessary. You're not a bad person for putting yourself 1st and to not accept their nonsense anymore. We can feel empathy towards them and feel disgust at the same time. It's ok. It's fine. I stopped interacting with this person and slowly just became unavailable to them. I couldn't let them go as I was not able to. Eventhough I didn't want them anymore. So I just became boring and unavailable and lived my own life I wanted and tried to be who I wanted to be without them, until they eventually discarded me for good and I was free.

[@Fay1106]

So real

[@2021noname]

You feel grief too, for losing the person who you potentially thought was really there but who was only pretending to be good

[@superpoodlehead]

“I don’t know who I am anymore” My biggest takeaway is being validated from this video. I couldn’t figure it out by myself. Thank you ❤

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

❤❤❤

[@superpoodlehead]

@@JayShettyPodcast. KZbin algorithm just shared Prof Sam Vaknin’s channel with me today. His years of research on narcissism is groundbreaking, brilliant, and pragmatic about the disorder. It defies some of today’s assumptions and misconceptions about narcissism. Please watch and interview him! kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y5OpY4Gvf5Kiq6ssi=4gi4paQxnCjT1A-B Prof Sam Vaknin

[@ellobo1326]

Dr. Ramani is literally a LIFE saver. Not that every victim of a narcissistic relationship is in danger of physically losing their life. But every victim is in danger of losing every other aspect of being human. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all that you do.

[@nor078]

I’m in tears watching this. The damage caused by the man I loved, a narcissist, who discarded me like I was worthless has broken me into pieces. I’m struggling to heal myself. Dr Ramani has articulated perfectly my ex’s character and what I experienced in my relationship with him. 💔

[@alishainc]

When she said "We think we're better than grief" I sat with that. Losing vision to legal blindness I've felt it's never just the loss of but the loss of the ideals, future, sense of self in a deep way.

[@mollyd.359]

Helped me to understand that you dont need to forgive a person who abuses you! So many times a therapist or leader has said, forgiveness is for you not them. Holding onto this will never heal you. Also you know better than them, they are sick. How can you forgive someone who has ruined part of your life you can never get back!? I've always said, I dont hold hate for them but I will never forgive them. Forgiveness is saying they are sorry and wish they didnt say or do this to you. They dont feel that way...they continue to hurt people. No forgiveness here and it doesnt bother me.

[@Anon-ct5fb]

I agree :) for forgiveness, someone needs to be sorry. I always say this. I might let it go, yes it would be a lie if I said it doesn’t affect me. Yes it bothers me and that is how I shape myself now: I know who I wanna be or who I am. But I don’t forget it it’s so so important to distinguish it all

[@mday3821]

Narcissists never say they're sorry and mean it & they sure in the heck don't make things right." Personally, I hope to forgive my mother, but I just can't and won't, for now! Let's focus on healing and maybe someday we'll get there & maybe we won't and that's okay.

[@OnsKleinGezinnetje]

Forgiveness is an illusion. ❤

[@katjabier4155]

I thought that I had to forgive, in order to heal, because of the school of thought that advocates this belief. This talk helped me realise that I've let go, that I became indifferent to what was happening to my mother, but I've not forgiven. And that feels right to me: I forgive people who have done wrong because they made a mistake but are otherwise decent people. Forgiveness is extending grace towards someone else, who will take it and make better choices as a result. Forgiveness cannot take place when the other person has no intention of ever making kinder choices as a result of my forgiveness. I've let my mother go, and I've worked through the trauma, so that I can lead a healthy life but forgiveness has had no part in that journey.

[@sreejan8385]

Forgiveness never happens fully … we will move on without them … that’s all

[@sstritmatter2158]

I’ll tell you - years ago I was very hurt by a woman. I hadn’t met this “type” of person before. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t understand it. It was RELIEVING to discover (I wasn’t even looking for it) but I saw some videos that came up randomly and I realized what this was about - covert narcissism. It was extremely healing to me, though I had been long over this relationship, it was valuable to see how the puzzle pieces all fit together. It’s like getting bit by an animal you had never seen before, you would be glad to at least know what it was. I do think this needs to be done and it is not for labeling, but when people are seeing any consistent signs to understand and get out of it. If it is used this way, it is helpful and if people are sensitive and things like that, well that’s the world. It is more valuable to be aware, and not having read this book, it sounds like it is a great read and useful.

[@user-hx3vp1pn3g]

Thank you !! I keep getting sucked back in to a relationship, I need the guts to end it for good!! All the red flags I kept seeing…..and continue to see. Only I can make the decision to do it, the courage to stand up for myself and know my WORTH❣️❣️🙏

[@jasperings69]

Currently going through this too. It’s heartbreaking, devastating and exhausting. We got this ❤️

[@teresadvorak6145]

Start with a very secret plan, only U know. Do not let the narc know or u could get really punished. So make your secret plan & escape when the time is right. Love ❤️ & much strength to U on your healing journey 💪 💪 💪

[@vannabusby8254]

​@teresadvorak6145 This is the hardest thing to do. My mind will be concerned about him, our bearing myself because of my unhappiness will so to him. Like him to seeing his son less even if he's treating me bad I will think how bad I'm treating him by choosing for myself.

[@ligiasommers]

Dr Ramini helped me so much giving me information and courage to leave an abusive relationship 🙏🏻🌹✨🙏🏻

[@siz4sean]

Yes! Dr. Ramani's videos helped keep me alive and Sane!

[@JJOK1818-okthen]

Me too 👌🏽

[@sana1234z]

Me too

[@LauraDinh-ui6rd]

Me three! 🙋🏻‍♀️

[@babrdwod7464]

Social media played a huge role in creating a currency out of attention hence catalyst to narcissistic behavior.

[@mightymouse1005]

Absolutely SELFIE..... Back before social media, I don't remember anyone taking and developing pics of their meals, a new outfit or activity and snail mailing it to everyone they know

[@brynne77]

Can youi explain what you just said? What do you mean by 'creating currency out of attention'?

[@mightymouse1005]

@@brynne77 currency out of attention would be , the likes and comments Ya see it all the time, maybe someone posts a pic with something like "I wish I was pretty " all the comments are about how beautiful and wonderful the person is. Attention is addictive. We're raising generations of narcissists by constantly posting them, ball games, school events, medical issues etc. Kids are being taught that everything should be everyone's business and constant positive comments are feeding the narcissist need of affirmation and attention. When I was a kid, family and friends typically knew your business. Parents didn't call everyone they knew about it. There is NO privacy in kids lives

[@tammycharles742]

Someone craving attention on social media has zero to do with the trauma an actual narcissist puts their partner through.

[@normarndelathassologenesis2967]

No, it only helped expose the worst ones because they're drawn to the attention. Most people have some narcissistic tendencies, what this doctor is talking about is more serious pathology. Humans were using, abusing, and chasing clout in good numbers long before the internet. The subjects of most fine art are the same exact things as the pics posted online, just as selfies are just the glamour portraits our grammas took made ore easily accessible for us to replicate.

[@powerfulpowerless1587]

This woman should be hailed as PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE to all narcissists. She saved my life AND my sanity with her wisdom through her videos after coming out of a relationship with a man who was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I love you Dr. Ramani. 😘

[@SheExudesConfidence]

Often times, it’s not about forgiving the person, but rather it’s about forgiving yourself for putting yourself in that position.

[@jemcat0003]

What resonates with me is how I now understand the concept of what I don't know, I don't know. My mother was a narcissist to the T and thus I married a Narcissist. I just didn't know better. It's horribly embarrassing and I am ashamed that I didn't know better however I can now see that I can become a better me because of Dr. Ramani. I CAN be a happy person. I journal to recognize my growth and further foster my confidence. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart.

[@palalechat]

Same. The long parade of abusive people that started with my mother who I let walk all over me saddens me so much now that I understand what happened. I'm so glad to be able to at least now have some degree of safety thanks to teachers like Dr. Ramani.

[@mrsherwood2599]

Our families groomed us.

[@victorial1982]

Same here. In hand-sight I found out I was able to be with a narcissist for that long because the behavior was familiar. The stress levels, walking on eggshells, ups and downs was familiar from my mother.

[@Ariehkim]

How serendipitous. I just fully accepted two days ago that my father is a narcissist. I wrote it down, had a whole purging, grieving process that night, and the next morning, I woke up feeling so empowered. It felt like I had fully reclaimed myself and my confidence and identity. Because I was honest with myself. Of course, I've been working on resolving and letting go of my trauma and learning to love my inner child over the past few years. This did not just all happen overnight. But a big, and what feels like a perhaps final part of this particular healing journey did happen this past week. Thank you, Jay, for your podcast. It's been a huge part of my healing journey. And a huge thank you to Dr. Ramani. This has been so helpful and so moving. Literally got chills when we were affirmed, this empathic part of us is beautiful and needs to be preserved. Thank you for this beautiful reminder. - A person healing themselves

[@africanprincessmaya]

once you get honest with yourself, thats all you need. for me, i made a video on my channel called when you think youre crazy. yiall will love it

[@harveeydulay2882]

the fact that someone finally says you don't have to forgive is so healing for me! I could understand the person, see why they did what they did, see their background and I'd still always think I get it but I'm not okay with it ... I don't forgive it. and everyone always tells me that's not being over it then ... when in all honestly I am over it ... I'm over it and I'm aware I'm not okay with it and I don't like or forgive them.

[@stefansoder6903]

That's so true. You think "why the hell was I so nice to him/her?" All you did for them and only got hell back...

[@snblee]

11:07 She hit the nail….we met young & he demented me brick by brick over 30yrs.

[@dianemartinez8126]

I needed this, 8 months in my healing journey. What a great conversation.

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

❤❤❤ You got this!

[@northernfox6420]

Good for you!

[@disturbed0insane]

​@@JayShettyPodcast.What about you? Heard you are a f r a u d

[@carolsherman9817]

This was fantastic. Thank you. I’ve been with a Narc for 9 years and this last year I got myself back, and oddly enough, my narc didn’t create the nightmares he usually did, because I don’t take it anymore. It’s as if he wanted to see just how far he could push. The stronger we all become ( those who find themselves in a narc relationship) the less power they will have. Love to all of you who are struggling. There is light ahead of you!❤

[@vevans777]

'Radical acceptance' is also a key to processing your relationship with an addict, as it's the hope that kills. Our empathy often keeps us stuck and on repeat in abusive relationships, whatever the description. The overlap between a narcissist and an alcoholic are great, so it's difficult to tell the two apart, either way, it's unhealthy being in their company having to walk on egg-shells, observing their micro-expressions so you can tell when they will next rage about something minor. The emotional disregulation they exhibit is exhausting, it drains your soul as well as psychologically and physically. Self preservation is essential and walking away, however difficult, is necessary in order to recover yourself and live. Thank you Dr Ramani for your compassion and human intelligence in the face of the visceral experiences people are trying to understand and survive. Jay's interview style brings out the best in his guests, well worth watching.

[@africanprincessmaya]

radical acceptance changed my life

[@virginiavictorio1369]

Dr. Ramani was on point about a narcissist behavior. I'm still healing after 5 years, still suffering through the PTSD. We are no longer together and we are both married to other people now and when I meet someone that has this type of behavior, it gives me triggers and I get really disgusted. I'm very selective of who I invite into my life because this narcissist that I was with was someone from high school that I met at 16. He knew all my friends and family, but he didn't look like he was abusive. That is what my friends said, I replied with you can't put a face on this behavior. You have to experience it to understand how a person can manipulate you, use you, drain you mentally, physically and financially. He only thought of himself and yelled at his parents and disrespected a lot of people. My son had to stand up and go off on him to where he stopped the verbal abuse, but when my son wasn't around his behavior was the same. He said he would change, he changed for 2 weeks at a time. He wouldn't let me leave, so I waited until he did. He finally left and the following day, he was already engaged with his family planning everything for his engagement and wedding. I know that he inherited his mothers behavior because what he did to me, is what she did with her husband (his dad) He couldn't even leave the marriage and he was an attorney. I could go on, but the trauma that this holds, I'm still healing. I do have a psychiatrist that I see that helps me with my anxiety, depression and insomnia but I feel that its not enough sometimes.

[@lynharry699]

Dr Ramani’s reply to Jay’s last question (53.37min) really resonated with me. Fruit dying on the vine, all the potential & gifts ‘rotting & unrealised’ behind gates, because of invalidation… 31 years in a narcissistic & alcoholic relationship. When Dr Ramani said “we need all of your gifts in this world” and “open those gates so we can see all of this beautiful stuff that you can bring into the world” I started crying, because I had a vision of those gates flying open… finally… I have so much to give, so much I’ve been holding back, so much guilt because I know what I should be doing & haven’t been able to. So thank you Dr Ramani & Jay for this very important message, you are helping so many survivors around the world to reclaim their potential & find who they really are after the trauma of narcissistic & emotional abuse.

[@shellyseekinghealth]

For me it was 32 years with a covert narc.

[@LauraDinh-ui6rd]

I’ve lost 35 years of a toxic marriage and finally had the courage to leave because of Dr.Ramani Thank you for waking me up from a lifetime of nightmares It’s only been 4 months of no contact and I can finally breathe 🙏

[@jibarabicha4853]

Learning something new. This was the most empowering thing I did as woman, building a set of IKEA furniture for my new place, going back to hobbies that I was held back from. After years of being doubted and broken down, today I feel unstoppable.

[@sarahgoodwin6475]

And this is just the beginning of your journey! All the love and hugs to you. You are a survivor ❤️ 😊 x

[@soulsciencewithgia5915]

Yes! TY for stating its a useless diagnosis. That diagnosis allows people to make excuses for a person's behavior that often is abusive, defies the law, and cause massive disruption and chaos in home and work environments. The "diagnosis" as a "disorder" facilitates avoidance on both sides, the "narcissists" and the opposite party. Naming it a disorder promotes avoiding taking responsibility for the part each side played which halts healing, personal growth and full agency over self! And that healing that needs to happen, it often requires deep trauma recovery work and often deep recovery work FOR BOTH. Everyone looses with this disorder name calling: and the only thing that will ever change your life becomes wasted staying stuck in pain.

[@mcsshroff2498]

Dr. Ramani addressed one very important issue which I personally was going through about still feeling empathetic and sorry for the narcissist and she is so right that humanity alive in us needs to be protected I felt I was a fool to feel empathetic for the narcissistt but my counselor told me that it comes from a very pure place in my heart.

[@appaloosa42]

Yes. But I have empathy for the handicapped kids she’s feeding off… and all the unwitting flying monkeys that support her!

[@JamesThomas-530]

🎉I can relate

[@akeem8242]

Damn this is so spot on having being married to one and happily divorced. Everything she is saying is spot on from my perspective and also unfortunately my daughter as well. I didn’t know this exactly before hand but listening to her break it down, I realize I have been right this entire time just didn’t know I was. Thank you to you both Dr Ramani and Jay!

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

Thank YOU!

[@sherryzhang2454]

This video made me cry. I have learned to turn off my light to stay safe around my stepmother and it spilled into other areas of my life. I feel like a show off hence so vulnerable when I share my success or even when I'm a bit more expressive. It so nice to hear you saying "the world needs you to turn on the light". It means a lot

[@pariszia4347]

The best method for determining if someone is a narcissist is to be in a relationship with one. The patterns are very distinct .

[@chriswhiteiii]

47:47- 47:50 “Some people pick up an instrument or learn a new language… and move that confidence into other areas” (paraphrasing) Thx deeply for this whole episode.

[@tamarAW515]

“They no longer fulfill the roles and responsibilities of what it means to be in a close relationship” empathy, compassion, kindness, atunement, self awareness 💯!!! And the justifications to retain the status quo. Dr. Ramani has taught me so much about myself and what I experienced in my relationship. Incredibly difficult and I still struggle with empathy for this person and I appreciate her take on how to heal and navigate the guilt but not lose the compassion and empathy because it’s who I am. Disengaging and empathy is a tough pairing but it’s essential. Thanks for your insight and gift of sharing your knowledge.

[@MM-xw1jm]

Dr Ramani is so on point, as always. Thanks Jay for letting her talk and asking great questions.

[@carlasiqueland5867]

There are so many brilliant gems in this on so many levels, and these are two of my favorite people. Gifting the world with clarity thank you 1 million times to both of you.

[@stephgtorres]

Wow wow wow! This has my feeling heard, feeling teary eyed, and anxious. Leaving a narc is one thing but trying to some what co-parent having to keep the door open for him is a million times harder. Such a good hear 🥹🥺

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

Thank you for watching!

[@marykotuba6901]

I thought as long as i stayed single, I'd be safe from narcissistic relationships. I was so naive You are teaching me so much, thank you.

[@cindianacruz1035]

Dr Ramani I have followed so many of your discussions,podcasts,etc. You are so thorough, to the point and so insightful. Jay hit the right chords in the questions he asked. It's is journey in unpicking so many things. Thanks again.

[@s.u.7409]

Thank you Dr Ramani and Jay - very healing to her this supportive podcast.

[@ShantaFuentes]

Dr. Ramani is killing it 🔥🔥 Loving all these conversations and her latest book “ It’s Not You” 💛🙏🏽

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

❤❤❤

[@Bippi-kj3tu]

One way to describe forgiveness is remembering without anger. It is being free of resentment within myself. Forgiveness absolutely does not mean to let them back in my life-no way. It's having a sense of peacefulness that I have overcome the impact of what they did. In my opinon, when I was free of anger/resentment/hurt/pain, I was able to open my heart back up to let others close to me because, through my healing, I knew that I would overcome any hurt I might experience in the future. And from this definition, I do have to feel forgiveness.

[@osajohnson1957]

This is powerful. "...forgiveness is remembering without anger." thank you.

[@miles6766]

Exactly… well said. thank you

[@lorriebrown1243]

Her aversion to the concept of forgiveness is a defense mechanism because she refuses to accept that it I'd now okay to let go of a terrible unfortunate experience she had no control of

[@tippibippi3881]

@@lorriebrown1243 I think a lot of people believe that their resentment is prevention and protection against further harm but instead it falsely tells the self that they cannot recover from further hurt. On the other hand, forgiveness is a reminder that I CAN move on from whatever is done in the future. I can then live and love with a big old open heart! You are insightful, @lorriebrown!!

[@Analysis_Paralysis]

This is all so wrong! The condescending way for some to define "forgiveness" for others is such an arrogant impulse. As Dr. Ramani said, forgiveness is very subjective. I used to be very forgiving and empathetic towards my abusers a few years ago, none of what's said here in this thread is true. I was forgiving because I had NOT healed and I hadn't found my self-respect. It left a door open to abuse. I have now closed that door. I am forgiving towards non-abusive people, but not towards people who intentionally harm others and demand that they get away with harm, maniuplation and deceit. That's just enabling. The only person you have to forgive in the context of abuse is yourself. Forgive yourself for allowing this to happen, forgive yourself for abandoning yourself.

[@ave.martina]

This gave me so much peace of mind and clarity. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!🤍

[@danyellemilligan690]

It doesnt matter if you say "my partner is a narcissist" or "my partner has NPD" drop that in a practioners office and YOU'RE the problem. I just went through it. And was told "you read too much." No, I'm begging for help and 3 days ago you told me you had an extensive background with partners with narcissism and npd. Now im the issue. Awesome.

[@MT-tx7bu]

I've been listening to Dr Ramani for years. I put so much energy into these broken relationships I became broken. It took time, but as you put yourself, first, taking time to learn and grow, you slowly turn that train around.

[@goldenautumn3073]

Amen.

[@Sorry.not.sorry.695]

I'm supposed to be studying right now but I will save this video later. Definitely a must ❤ She has gotten me to realize I was being manipulated hardcore and helped me ground myself and become level headed. Sometimes you just need to hear you're not crazy.

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

❤❤❤

[@raediamendz]

This is EVERYTHING!!!!! Thank you so much for diving deep into this topic and giving me so much clarity. I truly pray for everyone dealing with someone like this. I promise life becomes so beautiful once you block out this negativity & you will be able to breathe again. Sending all of ya’ll love! ❤ Thank you again for this amazing video!

[@pault9544]

I'm so happy to be alive during Dr. Ramani's existence. She is truly an expert in the field and one of the most knowledgeable people on narcissism.

[@LudmilaPelikanova-iu8zm]

Dr. Ramani, thank youuuu, you helped me so much! ❤ You are just amazing! I was listening to you the whole last summer not to get sucked in again... And I did it!! I grounded myself after 15 years of hell marriage. I am happily divorced now and have an amazing partner who loves me and takes care of me. Thx again, you are the blessing for the world 🎉. Love, Lida

[@AM-fg2uk]

"We need you, we need all of your gifts in this world." Thank you Dr Ramani, I needed to hear that. I had narcissists in my family so building identity from the ground up and discovering what makes my soul happy has been the real journey, since I didn't get a healthy template in childhood. Accepting and working on this has in turn attracted validating loving people into my life, which has been a major help in healing 🙏💓

[@rachaelme]

“This empathic, responsive, compassionate part of you is beautiful. We’ve got to heal but hold onto that. We’ve got to keep this here, pull the shame off of it, but allow you to be more discerning.” 🙏🙏🙏

[@santokitokiya]

I have watched a lot of Dr Ramani videos and been following her work for years. This is my favorite interview I have seen! You can tell she is so comfortable talking with him. Thank you for this!

[@user-ke2ep9tt1z]

Thank you for saying it's not necessary to forgive. I agree. I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I had so much empathy and forgiveness. However, you can only give so much of yourself before you become a shell of a person that has nothing left to give because they abuse and take every part of you even during times my mother passed away, he cheated, lied, harassed, abused, manipulated and emotionally drained me and to me this person will never be forgiven for the mental, physical, and emotional abuse he inflicted on me purposely just to see me suffer worse. I only need to forgive myself for not being strong enough to get away sooner. This weak man took me down and then continued to kick me down till I wasn't me anymore and I almost completely gave up on life because it was unbearable. How can someone suck the life out of another person and still walk around and act like they did nothing wrong it's insane. He lacked empathy, morals, values, and abuses people to make himself feel good its sick. Thankfully I can say I am healing. I will never be completely healed I have PTSD, and went through severe depression, not being able to trust anyone and it affected all my relationships. Years later I now have a man that loves me and understands what I've been through and is NOTHING like my ex. We all need to learn from our mistakes, see the red flags and run from those abusers. It's sad we have to learn the hard way and the abuse is something we will carry for the rest of our lives because someone was so evil. May karma rain down on all those that cause suffering to others.

[@appaloosa42]

Well, I forgive , but told him I’m not God, I can’t forget. Gone dissociated, cuz I can’t go no contact!

[@dodosmamma1692]

Dr Ramani is an exceptionally intelligent, insightful and empathetic lady. Her expertise in narcissism shines brightly into the darkness of narcissistic abuse. God bless her. 💕

[@princessmayaharriete.omowe1656]

just thought this and saw your msg

[@peaceispower3792]

I absolutely loved this. The vulnerability that Dr Ramani is so empowering, powerful and relatable.

[@kyliejones8995]

This was such an amazing conversation. Thank you for sharing. I feel so seen ❤️

[@EmilyBatista]

Jay Shetty and Dr. Ramani, thank you for this episode. As someone who is dealing with PTSD from dating someone who has high narcissistic tendencies, this episode gave me hope, clarity, and validation. Love both of your works.

[@JayShettyPodcast.]

❤❤❤

[@RatedArggg]

I'm glad you mentioned forgiveness. I don't believe in it, unless it happens naturally.

[@Laura-nl8df]

🎯

[@moseybear]

I find in my practice a connection between narcissistic bias/behavior and borderline personality disorder. The spontaneous, unprovoked rage and anger is a key component of both NPD and BPD. As you and many others have noted, the two often go "hand-in-glove". I totally agree with you with your comment about the negativity associated with the label "disorder". As you know as an experienced clinician, getting both the NPD and BPD patients just to show up for therapy is rare. In my experience, even "pro bono" therapy doesn't mean the patient will attend sessions. Their identity is associated with their disorders and the thought of change is unsettling to most. The "devil you know" syndrome? They are comfortable in crisis -- it has become "their friend". I am working on a thesis to show how the military, for many years, has addressed personality disorders in their recruits in a "systems approach". "Boot camp". By breaking down the individual to the core level, in a group setting, it has shown to neutralize many personality disorders. Sure some individuals are more resistant than others, but the military simply "turns up the heat" on those resistant cases. Outside the military, we call this "hitting bottom". The problem with "hitting bottom" is it happens in a non-clinical setting which is unpredictable and subject to irreversible harm (such as suicide).

[@neobaya4167]

one of the greatest eye-opener for me, I'm overwhelmed!

[@aerithfer]

This is so beautiful, having tears in my eyes with her last words. As a highly empathic person, I lived several abusive situations and built myself over and over a bit stronger. But sometimes I wonder why still narcisistic people are coming and why I am still engaging, even though the tolerance to remain and tolerate is less and I am able to leave faster. There is an element of guilt when I think I am uncapable of avoid entering such situations, but i know learning is happening slowly and her last words give inspiration to keep on this path with kindness. Thank you both, getting the book immediatelly ❤

[@ellalawrence1188]

It’s wonderful to see two experts together, very special video. Thank you both .

[@babanamkevalamhpmgl]

Yesterday I've listened to another recent interview of Dr. Ramani and am intrigued by the difference in the impact this one made on me - it resonated so much more warmly. Thank you both for a lovely conversation and, frankly, validation of some of my own experiences. I've needed it ❤

[@roxiane]

Dr Ramani’s always had a way with words but this is perhaps the best interview I’ve seen of hers so far. So many good points, thank you all for changing lives and perspectives

[@loveorabove5106]

Dr. Ramani explains what a Narcissist is and what happens in a relationship with one so perfectly, so exact. Thank you, thank you Dr.Ramani. Thank you for dedicating your life to helping humanity understand and cope with this. You saved my life and helped me understand and heal and stay out of a narcissistic relationship.

[@shannnL1]

This is so good. I’ve seen tons of different videos from her, and this one is so good because the questions that were asked pulled out answers that have not been explained that way before. Well done, thank you! 🙏 ❤

[@marieb3089]

You made me understand the patterns even more !! I needed to hear that today. Thank you I am really grateful.

[@Lorraine82012]

Aaaah! This is just perfect timing.. broke up today after 8 years😢 Lots of questions eating me up. Thank you so much Jay, this is free therapy. Asante

[@redonionsyummy]

Be kind to yourself.. you'll get through this

[@ashleypearson7848]

You'll be okay! I promise you! ❤

[@tammycharles742]

My breakup was a week & a half ago after 6-1/2 years. It's almost paralyzing sometimes.

[@HipHop-vg7cd]

You’ll never get the answers or whatever it is that you’re looking for bc they were never there to begin with, it’s all a lie. Go no contact. They are incapable of being human or ever telling the truth. Free yourself, heal and have a beautiful life ❤️ Focus on your well being, you deserve peace and TRUE love 🙏

[@ashleypearson7848]

@@HipHop-vg7cd agreed they never take accountability and when I say never I mean NEVER. YOU WILL FOREVER BE THE VILLAN IN THEIR STORY. and they will always be the victim no matter what. sad but true