Detoxifying ADHD Relationship Communication | The Guide

[@BeUltranormal]

👋🏻Heya! Hope you enjoyed this video! Do you struggle with ADHD communication? 😫😫 🤫Wanna join my SECRET Relationship Bootcamp? be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp - Chris

[@rhondafrederick4049]

I need to watch this about 3 more times so it will sink in. This was possibly our biggest weakness

[@BeUltranormal]

Great work to identify that, building that self awareness is really crucial

[@trancekingpj]

I'm certainly guilty of being defensive over the years. As someone who was bullied and emotionally neglected from an early age this has then followed across into my relationships. That said, when I was with my most recent ex, she would use alcohol as a crux for her own issues and then take her anger out on me. When you're with someone who you love and think that loves you then it's difficult to not respond emotionally. When that person that you love gaslights you and tells you that black is white and white is black, it's difficult to avoid falling into the trap of over-explaining and defending. The really hard part is where said person is drunk and engages in a conversation, but then when sober hey can't remember that conversation which really messes with your head. Enough years of this really screws up your own emotions and behaviours. Thankfully I'm in a different place now compared to them. I've done, and am continuing to do, the inward work to figure myself out and I'm reasonably confident that I am more likely to react in a less emotional way and am less likely to "defend" myself in the same way as I used to. When I get around to finding someone who will truly accept me for the person I am, warts and all, then I'm confident that I'll be less like "old" me and more like "new" me.

[@BeUltranormal]

I've certainly experienced that before, it's hard to feel like someone else's punching bag in those moments and question their love for you. This is why, from my perspective, it's even more important to develop deep empatgy, strong healthy emotional resilience and a very high standard of communication skills. Because at the end of the day, you can still only ever control what you do and how you show up. If you spend that energy growing and developing massively then that will give the relationship the biggest chance of success. But it takes one person to show up and stop that negative feedback loop in a massive way.

[@trancekingpj]

@@BeUltranormal It's immensely hard to be in that position. We had children together and, at the time, I really felt like I needed to be the tough one to keep it together for the sake of the children. Unfortunately hindsight now tells me that I would've been better off leaving much sooner than I did as, the more I was used as the punching bag, the more emotionally unhinged I became. I think the key thing for me was that I simply didn't have the emotional skillset at the time to be able to deal with how I was being treated at the time. It's taken having the free space way from my ex to be able to carry out that introspection. At least if I get around to having a future relationship (as I hope you can appreciate I have significant trust issues now thanks to my experiences from my ex) then I will be more emotionally stable for that person.

[@GenXGaymer]

Great observations! Thanks for empathetically explaining how Explaining can be actually antagonistic to getting to a more constructive outcome.

[@BeUltranormal]

Thank you! Glad it was helpful. And yes, explaining can often seem like a great idea (e.g. "if only they knew XYZ then they wouldn't be mad at me!") but oftentimes it actually shuts down the conversation even more! Have you found yourself explaining things away in conversations?

[@GenXGaymer]

@@BeUltranormal Oh yeah! And attempting to be as “thoughtful” as possible by including their feelings, but still the flaw is in engaging them logically or rationally. Always comes off as condescending or patronizing. 🤦‍♂️ And even though that’s not my intention it’s what inevitably happens! So now I have a new lens to look through, thanks!

[@rhondafrederick4049]

I thought (being a logical person) that if I could just explain my feelings well enough then he would have an “aha” moment and everything would be great after that lol. He got so overwhelmed by me talking about my feelings all the time that he labeled me as overly emotional and never looked at his own actions that started the problem in the first place

[@BeUltranormal]

Yeah explaining feelings feels like a natural thing to do, but it rarely has the effect we want it to 😓

[@rhondafrederick4049]

@@BeUltranormalwonder what it feels like to the other person

[@kjthawriter]

Wow....this is how my wife has completely undermined and destroyed our bond and our marriage. She was diagnosed later in life, and its been alot to handle. I have educated myself with as much information about adhd that i can, but this is the first breakdown of her argument language that I have seen. Thank you for this

[@BeUltranormal]

Thanks for the comment! This is not specific to ADHD, and in fact is part of a cycle where 2 people do the same thing. I talk a lot about blame in my How To Love An ADHD Partner video, definitely take a look!

[@MaggieGK]

I'm so happy that i came across your channel. It's such a great content. As a person living with an ADHD partner, it's giving me such a valuable info and I can relate with so many situations. Thank you so much for sharing this, it's helping me a lot. ❤

[@BeUltranormal]

Thank you so much Maggie! Thanks for stopping by

[@Sarahyz]

Love the acronym, what a gem of a video. Everything you mentioned happened between my ADHD ex and me (non ADHD). And I am thinking in many dysfunctional relationships in general, GRADE is super helpful to be aware of. Whether there is ADHD or not.

[@BeUltranormal]

Haha, thank you! I love some good acronyms. :) And in my experience, what most people call 'dysfunctional' is simply a temporary state, same with any relationship. We always have the choice between pushing the feedback loop in a positive direction or in a negative direction. GRADE responses push it in the negative direction, unless you have the skills to be able to turn it into a positive (I'll talk about that in another video!) I've worked with many clients who thought their relationships were dysfunctional, and when they put in the right effort in the right ways they realized that the relationship was not only worth saving, it was able to be better than ever!

[@Sarahyz]

@@BeUltranormal you are so right! Also, I just realised that you could also spell RAGED with those letters.

[@BeUltranormal]

OMG ok that's way better!! Lol

[@rhondafrederick4049]

Im curious, why are you learning about adhd if you aren’t with them anymore? Still trying to figure out why? That’s definitely something I would do :/

[@Sarahyz]

@@rhondafrederick4049I am not watching ADHD content much anymore, but it helped me a lot to understand from other people with ADHD how their brain actually works and how to manage common situations in ADHD couples. I was in a relationship with someone for somewhat over a year who did not and even refused to get diagnosed for it, but in hindsight I am 100% certain they have ADHD. I had many escalations with this man, they made it a toxic relationship, probably for both of us. Only in hindsight I suddenly realised these problems all related to stereotypical behaviours of ADHDers such as bad time management, impulsivity and inability to prioritise or sit still. The worst part was he blamed me for being too sensitive or serious about these situations - and I believed him for a year! This all is possibly TMI but I honestly felt I completely lost myself. KZbin helped me overcome all this!

[@ursula.m8265]

I started to date a guy with adhd and I had to walk away, too many issues that I couldn't handle and because I'm bipolar things got really bad for me and for him.

[@BeUltranormal]

The negative feedback loop can accelerate very quickly if it's not handled in the right way, that's for sure!

[@cheryllindberg1975]

Living with ADHD is like trying to survive in a jungle blindfolded. Every step is fraught with peril.

[@BeUltranormal]

oof!