Detransitioning: Why Did I Even Transition? (FTM Transgender)

Hello everyone! Today I just want to share with you why I am detransitioning into living as a woman again and why I transitioned into a male appearance in the first place.
I think there is not enough visibility for detransitioners, often our stories and experiences are shut down because of fear and the risk of right wing or religious parties misusing them. But it is incredibly important to show that there are other narratives besides the typical "transgender story". Transition is not the solution for everyone experiencing gender dysphoria.

[@adrianprescott6554]

Don't worry about your voice... be happy that you are free and aware that you made a mistake. I am proud of honesty!

[@bridaw8557]

The lower voice can be very sexy.

[@makaeellis1798]

Wow this is very informative. I’m ftm and I’ve been doing a lot of research on transitioning and it’s good to here the transition stories but also the detransition stories. Good luck with everything that is ahead for you!

[@jpt7667]

Ellis Island Your body is fine as it is, you are perfect as you are. You cannot become a man thats a fallacy. Please don’t go down that dangerous path I’ve walked. I’m on Twitter and speak publicly on detransition, let me know if you want to see my story.

[@micaela7159]

TJ P shut up

[@groundcontrol436385]

Micaela, Once again someone trying to shut up a woman trying to share her REAL experience. Get lost.

[@micaela7159]

groundcontrol436385 i replied to the person being transphobic

[@micaela7159]

Jerry Donohue stop trying to lecture me. i dont give a fuck about the root of where those words came from, im speaking english. how does transitioning cause dysphoria? its the opposite, i know plenty of FTM that are much much happier and love their transition. just because some people regret transitioning doesn’t mean everyone or even the majority do because they dont.

[@SP-rk9ht]

I don't think we talk enough about how much the fact that girls and women cannot go topless affects us. I have had this exact experience myself - being told I have to cover up my chest even before my breasts have started developing and feeling like I was dirty. A few female friends said they have had the same experiences. It's like our bodies are obscene, sick, dirty.

[@nelemil6893]

True, sometimes it's hard to believe that women are literally not allowed to show their breasts in public because men find them too attractive, too sexy, too dirty. This has a big influence on so many female individuals.

[@Rubarb84]

Why would you want to be topless anyway.?😒

[@Rubarb84]

Axiom Em I feel like We’re making this into a bigger issue than it needs to be. There are different rules that are unfair on both genders side. Men get drafted for wars, and that’s unfair. There are way way more important things to worry about than “gee, I sure would love to be topless amongst all of these strangers right now.” It’s getting out of hand and I’m afraid for the future.

[@Rubarb84]

Axiom Em where in my comment did I say I was afraid? I couldn’t careless. You want to be shirtless then be shirtless. I don’t understand why we’re getting so Philosophical about being topless. It’s so nit picky to me. What if men want to walk around bottomless at the beach, would you be okay with that? I’m saying, where do we draw the line. There are nude beaches where you can be, well, nude. Just go there instead of turning toplessness into this life or death situation. We’ve got bigger fish to fry: world hunger, homelessness, child prostitution the list goes on.

[@HA-ot5ev]

In African children are walking naked and having showers outside. There is nothing to be ashamed of the human body. Bodies come in different sizes, colors, and shapes. It is not a one size fit all.

[@JV-kq8lz]

love her androgynous look, feminine face, clear skin. could be a model like rain dove

[@DUES_EX]

It’s him

[@litus9402]

@@DUES_EX not anymore

[@LornaSGal]

So honest, wise and very moving. Societal norms are driven by making kids into perfect lifelong consumers, creating intense insecurity around girls' self esteem with hyper 'feminine'/ sexualised images. You have made an incredibly brave choice and all I can tell you is that life will make more sense in time. I hope you find love from compassionate, brave and great people like yourself.

[@thecutestcyborg2834]

In all honesty, my brain doesn’t even see gender when I see someone. I just automatically have a realization of them being attractive, which you definitely are. I hope that women who like to appear with more traditionally “masculine” traits or outward appearance are accepted soon, over people maybe feeling pressured to reassign their entire gender. Some people are valid in actually transitioning, but it’s not for everyone. I really appreciate the opportunity to learn about all points of view. Thank you for sharing. You are accepted for who you are!

[@coletamburelli4120]

I can relate.

[@LaMYsteriosa87]

Nothing wrong with seeing and acknowledging what is right before you.

[@sarahberkner]

What woman isn't accepted for appearing less feminine? I don't wear makeup and I've never had a problem.

[@louriewylde9293]

You are brave and so strong. Thank you for sharing. I am a straight female and have struggled with an eating disorder for a long time and felt angry for a long time about how women are treated and what society expects of them. One thing that has really helped me mentally is to stop associating masculinity with strength and femininity with weakness. Now I see that women are awesomely powerful. We are goddesses -- creative, capable, intelligent yet intuitive, fierce yet tender. I have grown to love my femaleness, and won't apologize for it! -- I try to embrace my masculinity and my femininity, because every person is a combination! (Still struggling with accepting fat on my body tho!-- it's a process!) Anyway, I think you're amazing, and please keep sharing! You are appreciated! X

[@nelemil6893]

I think internalizing that women are powerful and strong is a big and great step. Thank you so much, your comment cheers me up a lot!

[@VIIStar]

the path of body positivity is a difficult one, but ultimately most rewarding in the end. it can take time and at times be really uncomfortable. This is my first winter not dieting, and I'm of a completely different mindset. It sounds silly but I no longer hate my shadow. I wish you the best!

[@louriewylde9293]

@@VIIStar Thank you! All the best to you too! Your shadow comment reminded me of Peter Pan's shadow, which had a mind of its own too....!

[@louriewylde9293]

@@nelemil6893 oh, you're welcome! Thanks for your videos! Opening up this dialogue is helping a lot of people....we can do this!! :)

[@bookwormbandit2689]

you need to look at how women treat eachother. try this definition of a misogynist instead: Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another- H.L. Mencken

[@ShotoTodoroki-ev6wc]

I completely agree. The way media shows women would turn me off to ever want to be a girl.

[@Julia99lol]

@Dawn Kyle I think they meant that many young girls can't and don't want to identity with the portrayal of women in media and are put off by the thought of being a girl or being feminine

[@baddieMario77]

Dawn Kyle i think they’re just saying they wouldnt want to be a girl bc it sounds hard and there is a lot of negativity that comes along with it because of how the world views women

[@src3360]

Here’s another take on it from a gay guy When I was little I was obsessed with being a girl. I loved dolls, barbies and other “girl” things. My mom let me grow my hair out. My perception, as a child, of girls/women was that of a Disney Princess. I thought everything was fun, everybody loved girls, there is always a happy ending, there is a Prince Charming waiting to sweep you off your feet. I had that “fairytale” in my mind until I was 11. I was staying with my Uncle and auntie in the country and I saw him slap the bloody crap out of my aunt!! I was looking in and my aunt saw me and starting crying and shut the door to the room they were in. In that moment, the world I had imagined for girls/women was shattered and I realized that happy endings aren’t real and maybe I didn’t want to be a girl. I was very close to my aunt (my uncle was family, my moms brother) she never treated me differently or made me feel unwelcome as a little boy who liked playing with dolls. They divorced when I was in high school. And she has since remarried and is, hopefully, happy and loved. I guess what I’m getting at is that even though I was a boy, I too bought into the fairytale that (I think) little girls grow up believing. Only to learn the truth of how difficult it is to grow up female in today’s society 🌈

[@pray_with_me_today]

You cant just choose to be a man because of media. The devil is a horrible liar

[@melody5893]

@Dawn Kyle what the hell do you not understand? it's a pretty basic concept

[@babyfirefly1843]

Its sad that so few lesbian (female only because lesbianism is exclusionary) spaces are around today. If this woman could've grown up with and the support of older lesbians, especially butches/studs, and known about terms like 'stone butch', 'soft butch', 'femme', 'he/him lesbian', I highly doubt she would've had to go through this. MANY butches in the '50's and onward were known to bind, get mastectomies, use male or gender neurtral pronouns, pack, etc, yet they were still female and still identified as female and lesbian. Around that time because of the violence against butch/femme couples, there certainly were butches who lived as males, but this was far more due to safety and wanting to live and work how they pleased without discrimination, not due to internalized homophobia. The fact so many girls and women are transitioning due to internalized homophobia and misogyny and sexualization of girls and women's bodies is so very sad. I encourage anyone out there who is feeling sex or gender dysphoria and/or thinks they want to transition to live as a straight guy to check out the book 'stone butch blues'. Also, check out your local gay and lesbian bookstore if there is one. Try to talk to some older butches. Btw, to the woman who posted this, you are gorgeous and I wanted to tell you I think you have a really nice voice--I don't think it sounds manly at all, actually. Sending love from the states

[@babyfirefly1843]

PS your smile is soooo cute 😊. I would totally date u, and whoever u find or are with if u r currently in a relationship is a very lucky woman!

[@oldrose1750]

'The grass isnt always greener on the other side...'

[@Alijae1019]

Thank you so much for your very brave video! Please keep making them, as so many young women need to hear your story and your journey. I related with every single thing you said. Much success on your journey back to being YOU.

[@kisstheviolets]

thank you so much for speaking out. your story is critically important.

[@mgc147]

As someone who struggles with mental health i related a lot went you said the two voices thing, im glad im not the only one

[@alexxC37]

You are very brave for telling your story. I hope more people will talk about their experiences. It is super private I know but it will really help others and help parents to support their children properly. The laws where I live are getting strict about accepting a child’s transition without question. I think once more people like you come forward, treatment can be more tailored to the individual and the rush to transition slowed down just in case the person isn’t suited to transitioning. You are not the first person i’ve seen who detransitioned that had anorexia. I wish you all the best, I hope everything goes well for you.

[@chagal3299]

You are ACTUALLY stunning and brave.

[@neohermitess420]

Stunning forreal,she has a smile like Julia Roberts

[@RayOnRae95]

@@neohermitess420 ...and a great jawline that I can only wish for!

[@adrienneleigh4399]

RAY S the jawline is from T, but nonetheless it is very suiting

[@dennisbobongie1466]

Im sorry that you have been through that. I hope you find peace with yourself one day. All the best to you

[@annelister7772]

hey, I heard about you on twitter. Thank you so much for sharing your story, you're important, brave and very strong. Stay strong and resist. All my love, support and protection. hugs from Brazil!

[@zzzut]

You are a wonderful and stunningly beautiful human being. You are extremely articulate and you can think for yourself. I am glad you made your own decision. There are many different types of men and women. You can be androgynous and even masculine, and still be a perfectly sane and happy woman without having to alter your body permanently (BTW, many women naturally have a rich and smooth deep voice like yours. I have known quite a few). Unfortunately, too many young people fall for the lies of the transgender lobby. No one should need surgery to reach their full potential as a man or a woman.

[@shisuto]

Im glad you found your truth and i wish you the best of luck and a lot of strength on your way ahead!

[@kellievanellie]

My heart goes out to you. This is a more common problem than most realize, and I’m so glad you’re sharing the experiences that led you here. We all incredibly prone to body dysmorphia but I feel the way the female body is viewed is a key factor for both genders. You tend to either idolize it or hate what it’s expected to be. You are absolutely beautiful

[@martinmoore8216]

So appreciate your perspectives. Sharing your thoughts has helped me untangle parts of my own journey. Thanks

[@Carehubsoundandmusic]

I feel like this is brave. It’s great that you uploaded this video, allowing others think twice before making a life changing decision. I hope you have happiness within wherever this journey of life takes you 💪🏾.

[@mariaherrera-lc8jx]

It’s crazy how much I needed to hear this, just as a woman who has problems with being that

[@lizaikin3194]

Praying for you! Thank you for sharing your story.

[@723joy]

Thank you for sharing your experience. You explain it so well, and it will help many, I think.

[@roselenabiser2146]

I am so impressed with your bravery sharing your testimony. I am watching your video as a mother of a 4 year old daughter. This is a topic most parents don't think about talking about with their children or even entertaining the fact that their child may come-out some day. I appreciate your honesty and feel I can be more open minded with my daughter if this would be her decision in the future. I am glad you are happy and have accepted yourself for who you really are. Wish you the best!

[@nevadavis8587]

Sending love and hope for healing for you. Your words are so honest and raw.

[@mojosbigsticks]

Good luck with this new phase in your life, thank you for sharing this.

[@MrsKatha11]

Never seen myself in anyone's story but yours. Thanks for sharing that!

[@salldarling]

It’s so important for these stories to be told! It’s essential for people who are looking at this path, to see all of the picture and not be blinkered.

[@erinsymone1645]

Thank you for sharing your story. I have to say I can definitely relate to the struggles of early puberty. I started at 7 years old and it was incredibly difficult looking back on it and is one of the main sources of my struggle with my body today.

[@bridaw8557]

You are beautiful inside and out! Thanks for being open and sharing your journey.

[@genderrebeljo3051]

Thank you for sharing your experience so publicly with us all. We all know what a challenge it is to do so in this current climate. I think you have hit the nail in the head regarding various points and issues that you have raised. (Or should l nails on the beads!) I also do not subscribe to the notion that anyone is born in the wrong body. I do believe that we have a society that can make us feel like we were. So it’s a tricky situation. I can whole heartedly understand why so many young women would react to misogyny in this way. We all develop coping strategies in life, sometimes maladaptive ones that can end up doing us more harm. We live in a society where girls are sexualised from a very young age, we all know, often when we are far too young, the cost of that. There is also the issue of society failing to embrace masculine in females and femininity in males. Again, from birth, we are raised and expected to behave and dress in a certain way, according to our biological sex. When we don’t fit that box, we are given the message we are somehow wrong. It is almost inevitable for a child to feel and that they need to change, that they are not right. It really doesn’t take much. Children simply don’t have the capacity to understand the emotions they are feeling. That develops over time. I’ve been a “tomboy” for about 43yrs. (I’m 47 now). Every now and then l try to be more “feminine”, it just feels weird and wrong. I just don’t like it. I haven’t quite tried to deconstruct why, because to be Honest I’m quite content with being a female who likes more “masculine” things. I have my “tribe” (other butch lesbians) around me and I feel “normal”. When I came out in the 90’s, it feels like allllll lesbians were androgynous and boyish, so I just felt like I was at home. Now it feels like they are all femme and the butch girls ID as boys, which is really such a shame. The lesbian community has become quite butchphobic (Which night explain why lots Of young butches get drawn to the trans community?) and the gay male community can be very “sissy” phobic, against femme boys. We all need a sense of belonging, and a tribe. It’s hard wired into us, for survival. So It’s extremely detrimental to our wellbeing when we feel like we don’t belong. There is a huge growing, visible community of women who are butch and still proud to be a woman. We are redefining what being a women means, we are sticking our middle finger up saying “fuck you, we dress how we don’t Conform for you!”. I wish you well on your journey. I’m sorry it’s been such a bumpy ride so far, but you sound like a very astute, intelligent young women who looks like she might be in a less bumpy path.

[@clownworldhereticmyron1018]

Lots of solid points, great comment. Glad there's still proud butches out there, I feel like they're so rare among my own generation. The bizarre belief that if you have 'masculine' traits you must not be a woman is depressingly widespread.

[@kuromistan645]

@@clownworldhereticmyron1018 butch women are absolutely amazing and superb and make me feel so comfortable being a more androgynous girl, please keep being your beautiful butch self! Never be ashamed of your beautiful identity.

[@kaseyp5926]

I can relate so much to your video… I think I always knew in the back of my mind that reason I was transitioning was to escape sexism and find freedom. Also can relate to my ED contributing to why I wanted to transition. I didn’t know anyone else felt that way. Thank you so much

[@-Radical.Ed-]

I find these sort of things a lot as a clinical psychologist. But whenever I try to bring this issue in some communities (with respect to everyone that decided to transition) I get called things as "bigoted" and "transphobe". It's like they want people to aknowledge a part of the construct of gender, but not the systemic part of oppresion that comes from denying all that comes with it. We are not just individuals disconnected from society. And if society exudes sexism and sexualize people when they don't want they will try to cope with it however they can. Your experience is valid and I see a lot of people with yours everyday. Remember you have a voice and you are valid too.

[@myrkflinn4331]

Social oppression with woman has to stop... Its so sad to hear this all the time. Like I said, I am lucky. I barely got harssed cos I already barely showed anything of myself when I was younger. The times I did, I felt uncomfortable. By what the girls said, by what the guys said. The general compliments. I get where feminists come from and I still support woman's rights a lot. I can now also respect men more as an ftm however. My mental state changed in a good way i guess as well as I realized I might be a man. Idk if that's a coinsidence, but anyway, good luck with your journey finding yourself again. Im starting T soon hopefully without any problems.

[@bottombitch7405]

Best of luck on your detransition and your road to being comfortable and happy with yourself❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[@Antaeres]

It must have been a very emotionally difficult experience, being misdiagnosed. It is so important to make the correct diagnosis when a patient is experiencing such high levels of stress. I hope that you are able to make the positive changes forward now you are comfortable with who you are. You are gorgeous :)

[@baddieMario77]

This is a really great video, im sorry that you are going through this but i hope everything goes well for you!

[@thedogwitch5593]

thank you so much for sharing your story

[@e13kid]

Thank you for sharing your story, I hope you find solace.

[@howardstrauss5166]

you have a lovely smile. i hope you get lots of opportunities to use it.

[@susannahellmuth81]

This is such a beautiful comment. Bless you @howard strauss

[@kuromistan645]

Aww what a sweet thing to say

[@lcozzarelli]

Keep sharing your experience. Your voice is very important. Best wishes to you.

[@JustDee7]

You’re so brave. Thank you for sharing !

[@eastxena]

It's great hearing another story from a ex trans man and I'm happy for you. As a trans girl I suffer thru my child hood as being a boy so now I'm happy being a girl. But sad part is that I never experienced what it's like to be a girl when I was little. So i would never know how it's like... But happy you share your life story xx 😊

[@rheab4054]

You are amazing, and I wish you much happiness.

[@susankilgore6812]

As a straight Christian older lady I am happy to see you reaching out because we all need to understand what we are feeling a long with the facts in any process. You are a wonderful person and I hope and pray you find joy in life. Please keep us updated😊

[@klarawhite]

I won't pretend to understand these kind of issues, because I've not experienced them, but just wanted to wish you good luck!

[@src3360]

This is good conversation. This video will be beneficial to someone Thank you 🙏🏻

[@gervaiselantier]

Lovely, so brave, thanks for sharing.

[@janaw1230]

you have a very powerful message, thank you for sharing.

[@machaenichols3482]

Just know that you are worth a lot! You are loved valued and Treasured! ❤️

[@groundcontrol436385]

Best wishes to you and thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your experiences. You explained very personal matters very cogently and eloquently. So much of what you described of your feelings as a young girl and woman are the natural processes of maturing in the world. Many people of both sexes, if not most, feel uncomfortable about their bodies as it matures and changes for any number of different reasons. Number one reason why such serious decisions need a matured mind. Happily I escaped directing that awkwardness too far inward and just figured I am what I am and luckily there was no outward pressure to reject my natural self. I am way older than you are and I think we must do better for the younger generations in helping them understand the natural processes and help them grow to feel comfortable and confident in the world. She is long gone now but I know most of my confidence came from my mother. It also helps to look for role models in people whose character and work we admire regardless of their sex or any other superficial traits. My role model was Dr. Martin Luther King and I am neither male nor African American and I sure didn't want to be a preacher. LOL! But he exemplified the characteristics I wanted to emulate in my life and in my work. And for the sexists out there ;) I also had a role model in my mother and in the public librarian who managed the whole place and was an independent, smart woman. Good luck to you, Nelemil. It's wonderful being a woman. Just a plain old ordinary woman.

[@karenmacphee9186]

I am glad this wasn’t an option when I was young. As a young girl growing up I wished I were a boy. I felt like I should have been a boy and can clearly see myself having chosen to transition. I didn’t give the idea any real thought though, as it wasn’t an option then. I grew to like being me and adjusted my appearance to a more boyish look which was my thing, being a young lesbian. I became a hairdresser and started to periodically having fun with makeup and clothing. Being in the beauty industry gave me license to create which I did. I love being the woman that I am. You are absolutely gorgeous. Days that you feel like being more boyish, do it with your hair, clothing, and shoes. Days you feel celebrating your beautiful woman self, do it with confidence. You are beautiful. I had a period of time where I had gotten small breast implants due to uneven growth. Later I had them removed and was flat as a board for several years. I decided to get implants again after that and have kept them. I do prefer a more androgynous look myself and I understand we all have our own comfortable place with things. Thank you for sharing your experience. Please do keep us posted. Wishing you freedom and happiness 🙏💖😊

[@TravelingwiththeGramkracker]

very good video, you are very brave telling the world where you are mentally and emotionally. I agree cross gender transition is not for everyone with gender dysphoria. every human has both male and female attributes within themselves and all through life we struggle with who we are. I do hope you can find yourself and be truly happy within. good luck on your journey. By the way Im 63 and started my "transformation" 1.5 years ago and I am finally truly happy with myself.

[@laurapiovan]

Good decision and very brave of you to share it here. Glad you found support with a therapist. Don't give up in seeking your identity. Seek and you will find. Your sexuality does not define you, as a person. Your deeper identity trascends your body. I dont know if you believe in God. But if you do, I would like to encourage you to seek Him, and find your identity in Him. He is your father and you are His precious daughter, a daughter of the king of kings. That is what matters. He has living water ready for you, if you are thirsty. Big hugs, much love and prayers coming your way. PS you are beautiful! Seriously. Don't listen too any voice telling you otherwise. If you hear some voice telling you you are too fat, or ugly ....these are lies. I know it doesn't feel that way. But you ARE fearfully and wonderfully made. A unique and amazing masterpiece.

[@yeezyyeezywusgood]

❤️❤️❤️❤️wishing to u all the best for your detransitioning

[@elcruzer5514]

I understood what you're saying. I felt just the way you do when I was your age. Trans surgery wasn't available then,or I might have had it. Thank God I didn't. Be a Proud, Strong WOMAN. I promise you, it will get better. Honor your body, and your individuality. Be true to yourself. You are perfect and beautiful just the way you are.

[@tom4ivo]

Have you heard of George Sand, the 19th century French writer? She got fed up with how society treated women, especially herself, and decided that she wasn't going to beg society to give her the freedoms men had, she was just going to take them. She took a man's name, dressed in men's clothes, and did the fun stuff that men did. Not because she thought of herself as a man in a woman's body, or because she was a lesbian (almost all of her lovers were men), but simply because she realized that the only way to have the freedom that men enjoyed was to force society to aknowledge her as a man, which wasn't going to happen if she was wearing a dress. And if any man dared to tell her she had to do something because she was a woman, or couldn't do something because she was a woman (like smoking in public), she would challenge him to a duel. Don't let anyone tell you that you have to do something, or can't do something, just because you are a woman. You've experienced life as a man, so you've had the chance to express your masculine side. Just because you are going back to being a woman doesn't mean you have to suppress that side of yourself. Embrace your animus. If someone objects, laugh at them, thell them "whatever", or challenge them to a fight. (You do remember how easy it was to get angry on T, right?) Learn who you are, and be yourself.

[@themirrorsofmymind]

I think your voice sounds fine. I hope you find a way to be more comfortable with yourself and don't let other people get you down. The only person you have to satisfy is *YOU.*

[@nhmooytis7058]

themirrorsofmymind as a young girl my voice was so deep I’m 8th grade I was mistaken for my dad on the phone. I learned to modulate it.

[@lilli9822]

Sometimes after hearing people with your problem I am quite happy to have muscle dystrophy at least I don't care what other people think or what I think about my body or my gender and all my focus is on trying to do things that other people of my age can do without any effort

[@nabihaadam2170]

Thank for shearing your Story . ❤️

[@saanstarantolin2641]

You are very attractive by your eyes, smile, and personality, i hope you find happiness regardless of how you look on the outside.

[@sfletch3042]

You're very attractive. And attractive inside. I'm sorry you've struggled. You will use your story to help others. Good for you. Thanks for sharing.

[@tammie1078]

I think it's great you realized your mistake and came back, coming back is the most important thing to do. I think more should know the consequences of transitioning cause it's permanent.

[@freshmo5967]

Hey, ich bin auch aus Deutschland und erstmal: Super Video, du sprichst so gut englisch und artikulierst alles so klar in einem einzigen Take, wow! :O (Außerdem bist du meeega sympathisch ;)

[@nelemil6893]

Hey, danke für deinen Kommentar :) Ich hatte mehrere Erstgespräche bei verschiedensten Therapeuten, bis hin zu einem der mir erzählt hat, dass sich meine Homosexualität umkehren lassen könne und habe nun endlich eine Therapeutin gefunden. Sie ist Verhaltenstherapeutin und wurde mir in einem Ausbildungszentrum für Therapeuten vermittelt. Meine Diagnose ist auch nicht "Transsexualität" wie bei meinem ehemaligen Trans-spezifischen Therapeuten, ich kann mich aber nicht an die genaue Diagnosestellung erinnern. Ich finde es echt traurig dass es so schwierig ist, generell Therapeuten zu finden und dann auch noch gucken muss, ob Alternativen zu einer physischen Transition angeboten werden. Ich hoffe, dass du bald jemanden findest!

[@freshmo5967]

@@nelemil6893 Danke für die Antwort!! :) Okay, cool !(Also dass du jetzt ne Therapeutin hast, das andere von wegen Homosexualität umkehren ist ja eher gruselig und sollte eigtl fast schon angezeigt werden o.O ) Wusste auch gar nicht, dass Verhaltenstherapeuten sich dessen auch annehmen, ich werd immer verwiesen auf Tiefenpsychologen (nach einigen Erstgesprächen bei Verhaltenstherapeuten). Aber ja, ich werd schon jemanden finden, danke. :)

[@vanessabearzatto5422]

Welcome back

[@CirstenSeverin]

I want that sweatshirt. What brand is that? also, appreciate your video and the information.

[@myrkflinn4331]

You already went so far into transitioning jeez... You had to think longer about the transition part, but I get where you come from. I didnt come from severe depression and eating problems when I realized I might be a man. I was in a ok time, literally a year ago, like now. Crap happened to me, but I never got body shamed tbh, so I dont have that as a cause. I was very skinny, but my metabolism is just bad. I had some bullies, some guys trying to groom me and that affected me slightly, but never got into addictions or suicidal situations any other than thoughts. But I am too scared to hurt myself which means there is a will to live, luckily. I hope you find a place. You were calm in this video and thats brave of you after all that's happening to you. I never felt fat, rather underweight, but in the last years on being out of the house, I realized I just gotta eat more and work out and I do and still want to transition. I dont feel herroible, sometimes a bit scared if it is a mistake Id make still cos its permanent right. But socially, Im already living this role and I feel more comfortable in it. Im only scared of bullies, being chased after my transphobes, homophobes (Im straight as ftm but was gay as woman). I was raised kinda gender noncomforming aside of when I was living with my grandmother for awhile as a kid. I accepted some girly things, but loving girly things or boyish things has nothing to do with gender. Nor clothes. It confirms your personality, but seriously... even men cross their legs. I see guys doing make up now, guys cry more. Its best to try and accept yourself and that begins with looking within yourself and finding out what genuinly makes you feel better.

[@flicksabean9060]

Myrk Fælinn you sound a bit like me. I have OCD and it picks up the insecurities and anxieties and says what if you’re faking? What if it is just societal pressure? Even though I’ve always been skinny, always been attractive, always been dominant and outspoken and confrontational and felt furious when people saw my sex and not me. I don’t feel like a woman. I don’t fit in with females and I have a male personality and brain. Someone did groom me at 13, I knew they did it, but I got over it and I identified female for more than a decade after. I’m not feminist, I can identify with some parts of being a woman because physically I’ve been one, but I don’t feel these pressures are part of me. I always wore extreme or weird clothes, I was always boyish and fought against people do be how I wanted. I never wanted to be a girl/woman as a child, j knew I was one, but I wanted to be a man. I feel anxiously uncomfortable with the female body, I feel comfortable seeing myself Male even though it causes some anxiety because what if I make a mistake? That’s my greatest fear, is NOT being trans.

[@allisonfields3108]

@@flicksabean9060 Sounds like me word for word. If you're okay with sharing three years later, where are you at now? Would love to get some perspective.

[@nhmooytis7058]

Transitioned and detransed twice so am an FTMTMTMTF :)! I now believe early childhood sexual abuse is a major cause of gender dysphoria.

[@torrinashley6076]

Nothing can cause gender dysphoria. You're born with it

[@tyleryikes2896]

Sexual abuse doesnt cause gender dysphoria, sexual abuse creates PTSD which in certain situations can be confused with gender dysphoria

[@nhmooytis7058]

tyleryikes and you know this how, sock puppet?

[@torrinashley6076]

@@nhmooytis7058 It's been scientifically proven...gender dysphoria develops before birth. It's not possible to "get" it. You can't be dysphoric if you weren't born with dysphoria. Unless you aren't trans, transition and then experience reverse gender dysphoria

[@torrinashley6076]

@@nhmooytis7058 Gender dysphoria is not influential

[@NathanaelDuke]

Yeah, that sucks that the people most likely to boost your story will be doing it to weaponize you and your life against trans people. I hope you find your happiness, and I hope TERFs leave you alone. 💜💕

[@arsenicapricot8765]

It is so important for people like you to share your story thank you for this ❤️ However, you can’t ignore that right wing media does weaponise detransitioners stories for their own personal agendas!

[@anattaokonkwo]

You are so attractive! I love your androgyny! ❤️❤️❤️ Thanks for sharing your story 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿

[@juicyjesstv]

You’re very beautiful. Very pretty. Thank you for your story I could relate to a lot of it.

[@captainharlock2280]

dysphoria is so important, understanding what it is and what it is not. the people that we need to center are the trans people who know who they are & know what they are experiencing isn't a choice or a trend. i'm sorry we failed you

[@jacktheduck3941]

Genius this person had dysphoria and probably is still present. Nele has understand WHY she feel this way. Dysphoria is different for everyone and the causes are difersified. The transgender you are talking about, the "center", only know what they desire not what they are. This person wanted a male appearence too. You've failed in understanding!

[@captainharlock2280]

@@jacktheduck3941 redefining dysphoria like this is exactly WHY this person thought they were trans and needed to transition. i'm gonna have to give this a firm NO.

[@jacktheduck3941]

@@captainharlock2280 there isn't a specific definition of dysphoria. The only thing you can do it's understand better your dysphoria and why you need to transition. You have to wait and think. Nowdays there are a lot of people that want to rush their transition like this person did. I always feel like a 'boy' and I have gender dysphoria for the past 5 years and I'm still waiting to medical transition. I've already social transition and I'm sure about myself... But a lot of gender dysphoric people don't know what causes their distress and probably gender transition it's not the best way for them. So she had dysphoria but transition wasn't the best treatment for her.

[@captainharlock2280]

@@jacktheduck3941 i don't agree with expanding the definition of dysphoria to include vaguely related feelings that aren't dysphoria. i think this video consists of evidence against that tactic as it was not effective for her. what this person needed was support around an eating disorder, which she may have chosen not to seek because of stigma and lack of treatment options. if anything this consists of evidence that we need to do better supporting people with eating disorders. in general it's a very hard thing to open up about in the moment. she opened up about it now after the fact. this to me points to that we should question why people are lying to themselves and others about what they're experiencing, not categorize it all under gender dysphoria. we can make people feel safe to express the entire spectrum of issues related to body image and body modification without using a specific definition for a specific condition as a catch-all.

[@jacktheduck3941]

@@captainharlock2280 I don't expand anithing, she clearly had the criteria for gender dysphoria: *desire for a male appereance *desire to be rid of breast *a strong desire to be treated as a man *an incrongruence between one experienced gender and one sexual characteristic(breast) ecc... So we had to change these criterias. A good psicotherapy and a long waiting time are a good start to me!

[@deathsalomon795]

it sounds so familiar to my story except that I am still not sure what sexuality I have. I am about to start hormon therapy but I am not sure and sometimes I feel like I am doing this for the wrong motivations but some days I feel 100% sure. I also suffered from anorexia and a general hatred of how I am treated as a woman, I feel worthless and dirty and as if men are looking down on me. I am anything but a woman. But I also many times asked myself if I just wanna be strong both mentally and physically, but I think woman are in every way better than men, still I want to be one. A better man. How a man should be. I am very paranoid generally. I hate that society has so many expectations towards me. I also caught myself thinking about how my fat would disappear, how I would be fitter in general. How my physical pain would stop. How people would stop looking down on me as if I was dirt. Men AND other woman. Men look at you as a sex object. Like looking at you but call you a whore. And woman are envious if you dare loon better than them...I am sick of being a target. Wouldn't have to have children if I was a man. I am very much dead inside, ripped into two halves not knowing which is the right one and all these voices screaming inside of me. I know I have self worth issues, but I can be mentally strong if I need to. Being a man is really so much more appealing. Still, many times I believe that I am really trans because I think as a woman I will end my life in the near future. Cant take it. Cant connect to my body. I only see a future for myself as a man.

[@veggiesaremurder]

DON'T. DO. IT. If any part of you is doubting this, and given the fact that you hate how you are treated as a woman, you are definitely NOT trans! Find a community of detransitioners and talk to them first. Everything you said is exactly what every eventual detransitioner has described feeling. Start by really understanding and learning about how gender roles do not define a person's womanhood or manhood. It is OK, and up until this insane time in our lives it has been OK, to be a girl who likes more "boy" things, and vice versa. Consider that masculinity and femininity are traits that exist in every single person on planet Earth. No one is 100% masculine or 100% feminine. It's simply impossible because women have testosterone, just a lot less than men. And men share natural hormones with women, just a lot less. Allow yourself to be the sex you are and STILL do what you LOVE to do, and FUCK everyone who has something to say about it. As someone who struggled with gender identity as a kid like a lot more girls than you would ever imagine, I can tell you that these girls grow out of it more than 90% of the time. Start to focus on one thing a day that you like about your body. Celebrate your unique power as the sex you were born with. The divine feminine, the goddess in you. It's a truly spiritual blessing.

[@micaela7159]

Death Salomon me too, thats exactly how i feel word for word.

[@Andy-wy7vk]

If I were you I will wait. I transition because similar things and I regret it 4 years later. I am still trans ally, but yes I think that many people transition because trauma or other complex things. Hormones are not a game. Its permanent in a lot of ways. If you are not sure, please wait; try to adress the other problems. My english is not my first language and its awful but please take care of yourself and if you arent sure dont do it. It hurts transitioning and then regret it because the body chenges so so much with testosterone. Its not a game or a thing to scape trauma. Wait.

[@coletamburelli4120]

I swear we all have stuff in common I see a pattern I used to have eating disorders and constantly hospitalized in the past for suicidal ideation and eating disorders. Gender identity issues my whole life . I took testosterone for 6 months 4 years ago and stopped. I have been binding my chest for 10 years use my preferred name and don't do labels anymore. I just tell people that I am me. A worthy human being. Only into women/ attracted to women.

[@deathsalomon795]

@@Andy-wy7vk I have been waiting for a long time. It never got better and I feel like I really need to do this right now or never.

[@TheMiteful]

You seem like a good person, I hope you find happiness

[@jonskitalonhenki9613]

I can relate to your story. The disney-princess-bullshit is too much, there are plenty of girls and young women who don't see themselves in those kind of characters. I never did. I may have been trans also, if there were such, when I was young. Now going over 40 years, I consider myself as non-binary.

[@RWorley3sl]

I wanted to become invisible to men, I got fat and it worked. I know it's not healthy but it works.

[@Mysterica90proplayer]

Im skinny and invisible 😁

[@mrs.reluctant4095]

Thank you.

[@PsychopathInYourLife]

Thank you for sharing your story. It is always a rush to get people on the hormones. Sad reality of what is going on. No one is stopping it. States are allowing surgery as early as 9. You are beautiful the way you are, I see your beauty shine. Be safe and know you have all you need.

[@teresamesa]

this all makes too much sense to me. i never transitioned, but i completely get what you are saying because i've felt it all.

[@i.1213]

You’re a stunning gorgeous female. I wish I could tell all the vulnerable young lives that they must work on loving themselves and their bodies, since there’s absolutely nothing wrong in your bodies. Stop focusing on your appearance and on what others think of you. Just be the best HEALTHY version of yourself that you can, since the current medical system is just trying to sell hormones for other dark objectives.

[@timothyowens1728]

It takes a long time to feel comfortable in your own skin. It can take decades to like who you are. Everyone has dreamt of being someone else at some point.

[@Abdullah-nv9uh]

In my country gender therapy last for at least 2 years and it can extend to 4. It might be because of the religion thing but it still I find it useful and better to figure out yourself and to learn more about a lot of things. Because I believe there is a lack of psychological education for patients (me as a psychologist and transgender I can relate because a lot of things changes when you know more or new information about you, gender, sexuality etc. Also a lot of psychologists or psychiatrists they misdiagnosed the patient and it's really bad then but it happens more than we think, and we should consider a thing we call it as psychologists "symptoms of" like some people might have criteria of gender dysphpria but not clinically should diagnosed with it (like some people might suffering of symptoms of OCD but not have OCD and I can't diagnosed them with it etc). When it comes to therapy, I believe that there is more than one way, especially to these kind of disorders as other disorders some depressed people get well with CBT others might need medication etc. Who knows and decide? In this case -gender dysphoria- the patient itself (if they were aware enough). Last point there is some other things doctors tend to misdiagnosed transgender people with, "gender non-conforming" and "OCGD" also "body dysmorphia". In the end, what is really matter is to live a life you feel comfortable to live whatever it is.

[@nelemil6893]

This is super interesting, thank you for sharing your views! I have a question and I was wondering how you as a therapist deal with this situation. In Germany you officially need one year of therapy before starting hormones (this time is often reduced to six months or less). So everyone who identifies as trans and wants to transition is forced to see a therapist, and the therapists decides wether and when you get on hormones. This made me (and probably many other trans people) feel like I can't be completely honest with my therapist. I couldn't share doubts because he might have not given me the prescription I wanted so bad. In my opinion my therapy was completely useless because the circumstances made it impossible for me to build a trustful and honest relationship with him. Do you think it is the same situation in the country you live in and how would you deal with this as a therapist?

[@siginotmylastname3969]

@@nelemil6893 in the uk I've heard of people having this problem, our system is really broken though so if someone says to wait first you don't have another session for months. But you need a therapist, not that specific one, so people can ask to see someone else though it still takes ages, and so a different person can say you can go on hormones, whereas in other countries I've heard of it being a specific psychiatrist who has to say yes. Which produces even more pressure to look, act a certain way and say the right things. I think we need all doctors who are going to see people about trans healthcare to be trained on hrt, blood tests, different anatomy etc and for it to stop being run as a niche specialisation. In the uk a lot of people are trying to coordinate private or self medicating hrt with their gps(general practitioner doctors who are supposed to do non specialised stuff and refer us when necessary) and though the gps are supposed to help them, a lot say they don't have the training and reject people, which is illegal for patients who self medicate and expensive for those doing it privately. So they really need more training, and reminders of their duty to trans patients. They'll probably still suck on the mental healthcare front though. But if all systems had more doctors able to give you hrt there'd be less pressure to conform to stereotypes. And if they have better mental healthcare maybe people would talk to them more about feelings around transitioning.

[@Rubarb84]

You are gorgeous!!!!! 🙃

[@tylerjames7010]

How do you get rid of facial stubble? I’m starting my detransition process

[@bridaw8557]

Electrolysis is the only way to kill the hair follicle so it won’t grow hair again. I have started it for my excessive chin hair from hormone imbalance. It takes a while, but is pretty effective

[@brewerin]

Thank you for your story! I had a trans identity as a little kid but thankfully my school psychologist helped develop a plan for my parents and teachers to help me accept myself as a girl. Like Leoaica and you, I also struggled with an eating disorder. I still have to talk myself out of believing that I am not okay if I gain some weight. I am frustrated with trans activists who dismiss stories like mine and yours and Leoaica's. I am so glad that you are sharing your experience!

[@RalphDratman]

In the long run hopefully you will gain some emotional and/or intellectual benefits from having basically been a male for a while. Maybe it will help you interact more easily with males, or feel more confident in yourself as a female... or however you view yourself in the long term. Anyway, best of luck in your continuing journey.

[@Otjiwarongo84]

Where do you live? I think that women like you can be an inspiration to others... All the best to you 😘

[@nelemil6893]

Thank you for your lovely words! I am from Germany

[@Otjiwarongo84]

@@nelemil6893 oh, woher denn? 😉 Ich bin aus NRW

[@nelemil6893]

@@Otjiwarongo84 Das möchte ich hier nicht bekannt geben, aber schreibe mir gerne eine private Nachricht auf Instagram oder Twitter :)

[@sistasspeak0620]

I think more trans people need to be more honest and we can start having real conversations for the sake of young children being ushered into this lifestyle by people who have agendas and aren’t taking into consideration that these children will have to live with the consequences of a decision that they were not informed enough to make! But I commend this person for being honest it’s really refreshing.

[@gracielabonilla5160]

I hated my breast when I was growing and cry so much when I have my first period at the age of 14 because I didn't want to grow up..I was a strange girl

[@tucobenedictopacificojuanm168]

same

[@12.56AM]

omg same. I remember it like yesterday I was 13 & I cried all day that I got my period bc it meant I was growing up. Growing up has always been a complex thing for me tho I have ALWAYS got sad when there were changes & moments of growing up & to this day I still have a hard time accepting that. & about the breasts, I didn’t ”hate” them but I didn’t just like having them & acknowledging them I was embarrassed for having breasts basically so I would always wear something that kinda hid them, I didn’t actually buy my first bra until I was 17, before I would always wear a tank top or 2 under even if it was summer I refused to wear a bra... now idc & use bras but I still feel insecure to wear something that would slightly make them ”visible”... I don’t even have overly big or small breasts but I still feel insecure idk

[@gracielabonilla5160]

@@12.56AM it's like you are accurately describing my feelings it was something magical about the childhood that I was refusing to let go, fairies where truly real for me when I was a child to the point that I used to left food near a big tree in the garden for them to it!!😔🌷🌺

[@LadyIarConnacht]

So many kids are getting into this because frankly it's become a fad. Worse, it's a medical fad, of which there are many, and so many professionals are jumping on the bandwagon. The most terrible thing about this fad, imo, is that it's being pushed on children, young people and also onto those who may be a bit unstable or immature. It takes so many years for some of us to find our niche in life. Pretending to be something you're not, with the full support of the medical community, isn't a great way to help oneself along on that journey. And before you all jump on me in the comments, yes, that's what taking hormones does. It gives you a mask to make you look like the opposite sex, while your DNA is still trying to develop you as your original sex.

[@neamhdhlisteanach6720]

you're so beautiful, amazing jawline, smile and eyes. thank you for sharing your story

[@abdullahalnassar1494]

How long you have been on T

[@kermittheefrog9941]

I’m getting Sara Quin vibes 💕

[@MO-uk3oi]

You seem to have a lot of insight into the deeper reasons for why you wanted to transition, different from what you thought at the time. I wonder if you see the transition experience now as having been necessary for your development or if you think that realizing the more logical reasons originally could have saved you from a lot of suffering that wasn't necessary? And could someone have said something to help you realize you didn't need to try transitioning? I would give anything to know what I could say or do so that my 15 year old natal-female child wouldn't be so determined to start hormones and get the double mastectomy and get the bottom surgeries. My child wants to be a normal (stealth) man, and I don't think will ever feel normal, no matter how many surgeries, because she already almost starved herself to death bc she was sure she was "too fat" for her school class, and I am sure s/he will keep wanting to go further and further with masculinization just like with not eating. And s/he feels physical pain really acutely and will suffer so much, I cannot imagine that the surgeries will be tolerable. I am so so sad. I hope one day she (or he) grows up to have your strength and self-knowledge and considerations for others going through bad times. I hope.

[@mattiOTX]

Up to 3 minuets it sounds like you had no real identity and found something you could grasp onto. Dysphoria for me is like a monster on my back. Sometimes is was smaller and others just crushing me. Its very unpleasant.

[@amirmalik6028]

You are amazing …. 💐and

[@Isaura21s]

I wrote a comment but got sens0red, so will try again, but more subtle. The black flat thing we look at, doesn't portray natural women. It portrays women whose life is : designer bags, tanning, gossip, and liking some "hot" guy from the sports team. Very limited indeed. Never look at this for role models. Better look at normal everyday people. Anyways, you look beautiful!

[@john7027]

I wish you only the best❣️ I can tell you are a wonderful person inside and out. You are very attractive and and have the most beautiful smile. I am glad to hear your story and happy you have become the man that you knew you were. Your an inspiration. Grab ahold of your new life and enjoyed and live and be happy. I am happy for you and want to continue to see your beautiful smile 😊 Sending you Strength, love and forever happiness.