Did You Have Emotionally Immature Parents? | Therapist Explains How to Spot Toxic Parents

[@anna42623]

Shout out to my mother, who stormed out of my last Thanksgiving dinner with my immediate family, because she said I ruined dinner by refusing to break up with my college boyfriend on the spot. None of us knew where she went for hours...we later found out that she had gone to our church to pray for me!

[@TheSarahmns]

I'm so sorry that happened to you

[@thr33keys]

Yikes, that's really intense

[@anna42623]

@@TheSarahmns You know, it sucked at the time, but on the other hand it's much easier to leave when you have stories like that. Thanks, though! I feel bad when my stories make other people sad because to me, I've had enough time and space to process so I think it's funny.

[@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89]

I’m nodding furiously because my mum was similar. She’d explode with rage for some of the most benign things. She’d rage and trash the entire house (including our bedrooms) and it wasn’t uncommon for her to then say that she was going to un-alive herself because we (her 3 kids) “obviously didn’t want her around or care about her”, and she’d then storm out of the house for hours (sometimes the entire day) to make us think she’d actually done it and self-exited. We’d be cleaning the house up for hours because we knew if she came home and it was still trashed that she’d rage at us again, and after we eventually finished cleaning, we’d all sit in our bedrooms in silence for hours until she eventually came home. We genuinely never knew if she’d do it or not, so we were terrified that we’d lose our only caregiver (single parent family), but we’d also be simultaneously terrified of her coming home in case she raged at us again for not cleaning everything up to her standards. This was so common for us growing up that I didn’t even know that other parents didn’t do things like this to their kids. I didn’t realise how horrific it was until I told my boyfriend about it and he literally started crying and saying “That’s so horrific, I’m so sorry”, and I was genuinely confused by his reaction at the time…

[@cecebristan7175]

this is so sad 🥹 this is why I go no contact with my mom. I couldn't handle the time and effort to run after here whenever she's mad.

[@ee7069]

the worst part of having emotionally immature parents is wasting your breath trying to make them understand you bc they’re too dense/defensive/lack the skill set to truly hear what you’re saying.

[@lisarodriguez6966]

I would say constantly expecting them to be different and repeatedly opening yourself up to it is easy worse. When you stop expecting a square peg to fit a round hole, you'll find yourself...Less burdened.

[@misslayer999]

@@lisarodriguez6966 exactly.

[@high-bi-password]

Ouch, yes lol

[@llynxfyremusic]

Fuck. I would try to explain my emotions only to have them dismissed abd I'd call them out for not feeling listened to and the line was always "I'm hearing you, but..."

[@WhatWouldLubitschDo]

@@lisarodriguez6966this was me with my sibling. Giving up on my parents was easy/inevitable after a certain point, but it took me yeeeears to accept that the only other person who’s experienced our parents in same way is determined to replicate them

[@elizabethgraceb]

my best therapist ever helped me realize that the root of basically all of my anxiety comes from a fear of being misunderstood. wonder where that came from…..

[@desireesmith862]

I understand. Alot of my anxiety comes from that too as I've actually been misunderstood whilst reaching out for comforting and help from friends and other adults. I've had people argue with me about what I experience and its something I spend alot of time being scared about. I always felt that I could prevent it by speaking very articulately but the truth is I cannot make someone listen.

[@heyfella5217]

Same. Also having my space violated. I still have nightmares of my parents purging all my personal belongings and sitting in my now empty bedroom/house, crying.

[@Maderlololohio]

​@@heyfella5217sorry to hear about it.

[@alexia3552]

Me and my over-explaining 😬

[@BloodNote]

All of this thread is me and my life. I ALWAYS misunderstood because I'm always over thinking of what to say or do. That it just comes out so wrong because my mouth can't match the speed of my brain due to fear of not being able to speak for myself.

[@kierad1794]

so much is hitting. always being wrong, guilt tripping, never apologizing. Instead of apologizing she would say “I’m such a bad mom. you’ll go to therapy someday and talk about me. they always blame the mom!” How is a child supposed to respond to that?! UGH!

[@desireesmith862]

Yup, I've heard the same

[@Palafertiil]

Words have power. She literally cursed herself.

[@kierad1794]

@@Palafertiil idk about that. she was emotionally immature- of course she couldn’t provide adequate support for a child. of course a child raised by that type of parent needs ongoing support. there’s no “curses” needed.

[@ConfusedBean777]

Do we have the same mom? /j

[@jen_chaos]

Same! With the “It’s all my fault; I must be a horrible parent, right?” type of mindset. Like, normal emotionally mature parents shouldn’t be scared of their kid entering therapy!

[@lauralucreziamartell3342]

I would very much like the "What to do as an adult child of emotionally immature parents" video.

[@Female_wallace_and_gromit]

Yes me too

[@Rhjnkiitewsxbmlp]

Yes!!

[@claireskochinski7700]

Also yes

[@desireesmith862]

Yes me too! There are books about that too. I'll drop the titles here( but I understand if you don't want to or read a book, just trying to offer some help) Self-care for Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People by Lindsay C Gibson There are also accompanying work books for these titles but don't feel obliged to buy one, I feel you can benefit without them. You may be able to find free pdfs of them online and audio version. Edit: Added another book title. My library has these available to me on Hoopla and Libby (both free apps) so you might be able to check there too. Plus as I've said you can always google around. I think the audio book for some of these is free right here on youtube.

[@bee.mice-elf]

Yes please. Also, how do I make sure not to make the same mistakes when I become a parent?

[@SolarmatrixCobra]

Having been turned into an emotional bloodhound because of my emotionally immature parents is why I find it so exhausting to socialize with most people. I'm never relaxed. I'm constantly trying to analyze other people's emotions, tone, and body language and then try to figure out what the most appropriate responses are on the spot. And often times when I stop doing this, people tend to think I've changed for the worse or become a more arrogant person because they're so used to me being so much more selfless and emotionally servile.

[@amisusu]

Omg this is me. And sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.

[@boogiemcsploogie]

I love comments like this, can def relate

[@DiamondsRexpensive]

This sadly resonates 100% I feel like a fake person often times than not. I know what to say like it's a script and I know all the possible options and I pick the best one.

[@alinegutierrez]

That was worded perfectly!

[@SilvrRazorFeather]

Oh you put it into words. Damn. If I ever get a chance to go back to therapy I'll have to remember this.

[@louiselincoln]

I think we need to adopt the term “trophy child” - expected to look perfect in public, dumped on a shelf when no one is watching the parent “present” them or show them off.

[@alrakina_somarino]

We most definitely need way more emotionally immature parents content. It's absolutely wild to me how I feel 1000 times more mature than both my parents combined. Y'all are OLD ADULTS now and still act like children!!!! The lack of therapy is blatant.

[@Catenfur]

For real. Worse than children. And they will deny there’s anything wrong with them, that they don’t need therapy.

[@winterwolf0100]

My mom sees a “life coach” which she insists is basically the same thing, even though it is obviously NOT

[@VirgosGroove3]

Same. I keep waiting for my parents to grow up so that our relationship will improve but they haven’t changed 😵‍💫

[@alrakina_somarino]

@@VirgosGroove3 best we don't hold our breath. 🫤

[@dontmicrowavecats]

*Best* part about growing up with EIP is that it is so sly. Everything seems fine, you don't know it's sneaking up on you until one day you find yourself in therapy for otherwise unexplainable health issues🥳 (yay for stomach ulcers at 22!) Turns out all the things I was feeling was because I was made to feel like an inconvenience for simply ✨️existing✨️ all the time. So for everyone who has/had EIP parents I want to say: you were NOT a difficult child. You were NOT asking for or being "too much" in any way. You were a child, period.

[@Bokatisha1234]

I got the stress ulcers too! High five!

[@NameOfRain]

@@Bokatisha1234 Same. When those flare up, that's my first sign that something is wrong.

[@marlyd]

I got joint issues where I'd get weird fluid swelling in my wrists and my gp told me it would only be mended by draining and injecting cortisone. Started therapy and she was like 'that's probably stress so let's deal with that before injecting you with things'. I know use it as my barometer for stress, but it's never been anywhere near as bad as it was then.

[@RosNicole]

Same, right down to the ulcers at 20 for me

[@rosepuff321]

It was acid reflux for me 🙃

[@unpocoloco369]

Everytime i argue with my mom, she ignores my clarifications. If I tell her she misunderstood what i said, she ignores me, and continues to argue against a point i never made.

[@Nashleyism]

If someone doesn't want to listen you can't make them. And it hurts when it's your own parent, I'm sorry 🫂

[@borkbork4124]

It does hurt, it was hard to learn to stop wasting time with them when they are acting obtuse my mom put words in my mouth that I was accusing her of giving my dog cancer…..long story. She is a vet and gave me terrible advice, saying I was being hysterical (my 4 yr old pup had swollen lymphnodes, diagnosed with lymphoma) saying I was overreacting. Btw she lives states away from me! Was and still is! I am glad I didnt listen to her and took my sweet dog in to the pet ER, I was able to spend 11 more months with her with a chemo treatment. That instance is what was my tipping point with her. Still a sore spot since it includes my dogs health, I miss her so much. She would be turning 7 this summer, she was the first dog I took care of as an adult❤

[@castrinecubique983]

Classic immature move.

[@tishinahoneyblue5355]

LITERALLY…they are obsessed with you being against them. You can say “I agree with you” multiple times but it doesn’t matter. You are bad and they want you to know it. It’s so exhausting and this last for hours and sometimes years. They will create a narrative in their head that validates all of their anger

[@surbhi_27]

It's happening right now in my house and brother is f*cking fueling the fire in between my mom and me 😤😤

[@dankacademia1865]

I really appreciate you referring to emotionally immature parents as a traumatizing thing because it is but most people treat it like its normal when it was something that affected my whole life up until now.

[@unseenmolee]

from my experience most ppl have no idea. my mom is a good friend, and a hard worker, she can act like a proper adult, but she isnt a good mother. and until recently i had no clue how to articulate what was wrong with her behavior. its so subtle that unless you see it 24/7 it doesnt seem like an issue. i dont think ppl are normalizing it, but its not something ppl look for. emotional abuse is still abuse, not many ppl would contest that, it can just be incredible difficult to help other ppl see it when they arent on the receiving end of it yk? not to take away from how you feel, just my 2 cents

[@andreimihnea9561]

​​@@unseenmolee I have this fear that if I would try to explain such thing to anybody I would be brushed off or not understood at all so I've never said anything. This is what i am doing with all my struggles now too

[@brandyhoefer482]

​@unseenmolee makes total sense I go thru this w my husband a good brother, friend, coworker, boss, father, husband (he goes to work, doesn't cheat is good dad) otherwise I've had more compassion and interest from strangers even than I get from my own husband

[@Strawberrymatcha555]

Eldest daughter of two emotionally immature parents here 🙋‍♀️ not only has it always been my responsibility to regulate the emotions of everyone in my immediate family, but everything I've ever gone out and accomplished with my own skills and talents have been personally attributed back to, and by, each of my parents, who are very happy to take credit for how "amazing" I turned out because of their genetics or great parenting or whatever, never about how I went out and accomplished something with my own merits 🥴

[@OHGEEBEE]

Eldest daughter of emotionally immature parents here too! My parents made it my job to set the expectations for my younger siblings and if I messed up it was my fault if my siblings do the same instead of my parents being responsible for not doing their job and teaching them what was good or bad! I was parent-ified as well and was told that I had to be the good role model or my siblings would turn out to be horrible humans! I've always had a huge sense of responsibility and every shortcomings that my siblings faced, I felt guilty for, until i realized what was what and noped the fuck out of my parents home when i was able! I love my siblings but they have no idea what my parents put me through and it kind of sucks when they get mad at me for trying to guide them through life, since my parents didn't want to actually parent them.

[@Strawberrymatcha555]

@@OHGEEBEE I also experienced everything you mentioned! Wishing you the best in your journey towards healing from being a parentified eldest daughter of emotionally immature parents 🫶🏻 we've got this 😭

[@researchsongs]

I realized recently in my mid-40’s that I was a parentified child, and that I’m an eldest daughter of immature parents. In childhood, adolescence and adulthood, I thought I was to blame for my parents’ numerous problems. It’s a source of understanding and comfort to listen to therapists like the one in this video as well as to read the comments of other women that can relate to my experiences.

[@Strawberrymatcha555]

@@researchsongs together we can encourage one another to be unafraid of sharing our experiences and provide support, no matter how small, for each other to break the cycle and heal our inner child that never had a voice or the compassion that every child deserves. I wish you the best in your healing journey 🫶🏻

[@saijanaswamy7210]

SO MUCH THIS. EVERYTIME..I GET THIS ALL THE TIME FROM STRANGERS TOO..WHY IS THE CREDIT GOING TO THE PARENTS WHEN I WORKED MY BUTT OFF FOR THIS

[@nervousbreakdown711]

What about those emotionally immature parents who demand perfection from you and then take credit? “You got all A’s this semester? That’s amazing. It’s a good thing I’m so intelligent and I passed it onto you.”

[@Lillisssss]

My dad lmao

[@ww3196]

My mom was like that...

[@miaomiaochan]

How about parents that demand perfection in order to boost their family's image in the community and brag to their fellow parents? Maybe not immaturity, necessarily, but definitely not right.

[@Nashleyism]

Yes! And "It's good that I'm an amazing parent and raised you to study hard"

[@TheNurseWhoLovedMe89]

My mum did that on my public Facebook post. I posted about a current university project at the time and she commented saying that it was very clever and that I got my intelligence from my mum… :/

[@breezyvonweezy723]

My mother called me the other day demanding to know why I was crying one time 10 years ago and didn’t tell her why. I said I didn’t remember at all and I was probably just having a bad day. Immediately it became “was I a terrible awful mother to you?” Somehow a conversation about me being sad turned into me having to console my hysterical mother and tell her what a wonderful mom she is.

[@zekova]

Don't give in! She does not deserve to get on demand reassurance from you! D:

[@Andrew-qw1kq]

Not every emotionally immature person is a narcissist , but every narcissist is emotionally immature.

[@waterlemon3885]

How is that possible? Don't narcissists need to understand what they are manipulating? How can you manipulate emotions if you have trouble reading them? Emotional immaturity makes one prone to things like impulsive behavior. If a narcissist was impulsive they would feel out of control, and that's not the style of a narcissist. I'm not 100% sure what the differences are otherwise, but i can see that at least.

[@d1gitalsonder]

@@waterlemon3885narcissists are very immature in the sense they manipulate instead of communicate. their styles of arguing and patterns of lying are very childlike, yet wrapped up in a facade that is hard for some people to distinguish due to their skilled manipulation. it makes sense you would think they have to be emotionally mature to perform such mental gymnastics, but it becomes second nature to them. they don’t like to be vulnerable, thus mask any insecurity & lack of emotional maturity with control tactics. emotional maturity requires honesty, boundaries, clear communication, and at some points vulnerability. these things may make people with narcissistic traits or NPD deeply uncomfortable.

[@waterlemon3885]

@@d1gitalsonder thank you for taking the time to reply and try to explain. can i ask where this info came from? I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. The video was about how the two are a venndiagram, but this comment is saying emotional immaturity is more an umbrella that narcissism fits under, and you seem to be backing that up. I just would like to read or hear more about it to clear up all the confusion i have if you have something i could look into? (Looking stuff up on my own anyway, but pointing me in a certain direction would be helpful. Ty)

[@allinatonce]

@@waterlemon3885 I’m not OP, but a good place to start may be Elliot Sang’s Narcissists are Human (yt vid). It’s a great video on humanizing narcissism, and it talks a LOT about emotional immaturity in narcissism at length and in a few different ways so it’s easy to understand. Great place to get started on having a better understanding of clinical narcissism.

[@d1gitalsonder]

@@waterlemon3885 An emotionally immature person is able to grow and learn. Narcissism stunts emotional growth. By definition, a narcissist is an emotionally immature person, but not all emotionally immature people are narcissists. Narcissists are not only self-preoccupied, but they are also “perfect” in their own eyes. They often are deeply insecure, and thus cannot accept constructive criticism and must maintain the facade of what they perceive as perfection. Narcissists may exhibit emotional immaturity in many ways, including: * Self-preoccupation: Narcissists are self-centered and may view themselves as "perfect" regardless of deep insecurities * Poor empathy: Narcissists may have difficulty understanding others' needs or how to balance their own wants with expectations. They may also manipulate others because they believe the other person's emotions are "wrong". * Sensitivity: Narcissists may be extremely sensitive and react explosively if they feel threatened or if reality doesn't suit them. When they feel humiliated, slighted, or inferior, they may revert to a childlike state. * Lack of awareness: Narcissists may be unaware of how their angry outbursts impact others. The nature of narcissism is contradictory in and of itself, many will never even get help because they will never admit there is anything to work on within themselves. Narcissists can exhibit contradictory behavior, such as saying one thing and doing the opposite: * Mixed messages: Narcissists may send mixed messages, such as saying "I love you" and then "go away". This can be emotionally damaging and cause people to lose trust in their own reality and intuition. * Words vs actions: Narcissists may say things that contradict their actions, such as claiming to be a supporter but interfering with loved ones' events. For example, they might downplay accomplishments or make it seem like a partner's promotion was not a big deal. * Vulnerability: Some say that the inability to be vulnerable is a sign of narcissism Triangulation I also view as very immature, very middle school like using third parties to manipulate people and situations. Narcissistic triangulation is a manipulation tactic that people with narcissistic traits use to control others in their relationships, friendships, families, or workplaces. It involves introducing a third party into a relationship to create conflict, which can then be used to gain an advantage over perceived rivals. The third party can be anyone, such as a friend, family member, ex-partner, or colleague, or even an imaginary figure. I grew up with a narcissistic mother whom I’m no longer in contact with due to stuff like this and a shitload more. I’ve been to therapy many times and diagnosed with PTSD. Most of the info i copy and pasted from google here for ease has been confirmed in most of my therapy sessions, i’m sure if you copy and paste the text into google it will pull up the sources for you to dive into your own research. No problem!

[@theresamagladry1158]

I appreciate that you used the label "emotionally immaure parents". A lot of videos that talk about this kind of parent proclaim, "Your parents are narricists!" That seems emotive to me and I think it has contributed to the overuse of the narricist term.

[@eevee2411]

Agreed! People use the word 'narcissist' as if it's a descriptive word like 'asshole' or 'abuser'. When really it's a complex diagnosis that most shitty people don't qualify for (and the people who do have NPD aren't necessarily assholes or abusers, it's very stigmatizing to the people who are really trying to better themselves). It becomes this whole 'well you were a bad parent to me so I will just call you a narcissist so I can put you in a neat little 'bad person' box and now I don't have to actually process anything or recognize that you could've just been a bad parent because of my lived experiences and I don't need you to have a diagnosis for it to be valid'

[@shanouboubou]

Plus a lot of us forget most people, parents included, have narcissistic traits without being full blown narcissistic.

[@Sqwivig]

​@@eevee2411ok but I've actually done the research. For years I combed thru what a narcissist is, how they are made, why they act the way they act, and why they seem to never change. They aren't just "an asshole." They are people with specific behavioral patterns that leads them to abusing and hurting the people around them. I actually do know the difference between someone who's just an asshole, and someone who shows textbook signs and patterns of being an actual narcissist. My parents and other family members fit the description perfectly. When I discovered that there was a word for the kind of abuse and torment I experienced as a child, it helped me heal from that trauma. It wasn't just my parents being assholes. It was them being narcissists. There IS A DIFFERENCE. And I think it's important that people know the difference. But don't police people's language if it helps them heal from trauma. Also, maybe some mental illnesses and personality disorders SHOULD be stigmatized. If all they ever do is hurt people, then they deserve what they get tbh. I'm not sad that bad parents have to die alone and reconcile with the fact that their kids hate them. Maybe if they were better parents their kids would still love them. You reap what you sew.

[@amberfuchs398]

Then let's call them what they really are: abusers. My parents are child abusers.

[@carrieconner2021]

To be completely fair, you can have parents who are both narcissistic AND emotionally immature.

[@ErisIsAnAbomination]

The worst part about growing up with EIPs is how you’re forced to be their lightning rod whenever they’re in a bad mood. There’s no way to stop it or de-escalate the situation, so you just have to sit there and take the screaming, name-calling, accusations, and threats until the parent storms off and breaks down into tears. And then at that point, it’s your job to chase them down, regulate their emotions, and listen to their non-apologies where they continue to paint you as the bad guy and themselves as a martyr; don’t even think about ignoring then though, you’ll be right back at square 1 with them shrieking in your face again about how cruel and uncaring you are. You’ll have this mental dissonance looking back on them your entire life because they never hit you and didn’t intend to be abusive and they were actually really nice 65% of the time, and you’ll internalize all of it because they could never admit their faults and start believing that it must have been something YOU did that made you deserve it because if they had no reason to apologize, what does that mean for you? CLEARLY that must mean you were born as an abhorrent, bratty little monster who’s responsible for every vaguely negative emotion anyone around you experiences. So yeah, this fucking hit 👁👁

[@crymouse]

yeah…

[@Bubble_oPie]

Wtf my mother is like that + hitting 😭I thought I was crazy for thinking it's not normal behaviour

[@drybreadskin]

EXACTLY THIS!!

[@MissBlueEyeliner]

This with a side order of physical abuse followed up with them later bursting into your room demanding that you apologise to them for “making” them hit you and demanding that you accept their “sorry BUT you made me do it”. And you’d better accept it and apologise in return or you’re just going to get hit again. Being forced to hug my father after he hit me was worse than being hit:

[@medic5ever740]

My parents would purposely push my buttons until I got angry and blew up then they wound make me feel like shit for being such an "angry person" and would tell me almost daily that I need to be on medication for my angry outbursts.

[@camellia8625]

Sounds like reactive abuse

[@KD-ou2np]

It sound so simple when you put it that way but I have always found it so hard to put this into words. I guess I just could never comprehend that they were purposely winding me up.... I felt like I was a terrible person inside for years because I was so deeply unhappy at home and they told me I was just a angry bad person.

[@lissalaliberte65]

@@medic5ever740 I swear my birth giver and stepfather would intentionally anger me. Most times, my only safe outlet was booting my sisters out of our shared room and doing a thorough cleaning and rearranging the furniture.

[@fanime1]

This is what I'm going through with my parents. I keep trying to tell them I don't want to talk, and they'll keep pushing me and pushing me until I end up yelling. I hate it.. It makes me feel like a bad person.

[@baekhyun05_citylights37]

Tbh I kinda feel the same my mom would ask me something or tell me to do something in a certain way or tone instead of a nicely or kind manner like she would expect from me, and then act like the way i respond is like im yelling at her, talking back as she likes to say, or is so malicious, disrespectful, etc. And im like no wonder why i respond in a way because you came at me or talked to me like you is trying to accuse me doing something wrong and in most cases it is the case where she does try to act like i did or said something wrong. Like for example I told I had tidy up my bathroom and she went in to check if I did so and then (mind you while I'm playing on my switch) proceed to ask why I didn't clean the mirror. So I say clean the mirror? When I normally clean my bathroom I always clean the tub, toilet, sink, and sweep and mop the floor that's the norm of what she expects me to do. My mother has never check to see if I cleaned the bathroom and asked me why I didn't clean the mirror. So as I proceed to say you never check to see if I did the mirror or even tell me to do so. She goes on to say well thats apart of cleaning the whole bathroom and says that she cleans the mirror when she cleans her bathroom. I proceed to say well I never thought about that because that's not what I normally do. So all this leading into a petty argument and I'm like you could said or mention about cleaning the mirror in a different way instead of saying it as if it was a mandatory thing to do. Then she goes on to say don't tell me what and how I should say things. Goes on to tell me since I told her about saying things in a certain manner, that's why in need my own place (Mind you I'm soon turning 21 and contribute to living in the house by doing things she asks of me to do, does mandatory chores, any little money I get helping out my grandma and aunt I use some of that to help her with water bill and gas since she has to taake me to and from places and live with narcolepsy with cataplexy.) And I'm like all that could've been avoided if she would just said "oh you forgot to clean the mirror", or said "the mirror isn't clean or needs to be clean",or said "did you clean the mirror" and I could have responded, or even just simply asked me just to clean the mirror. But always wants to correct me on how I should say things or respond to her but whenever I try to correct her she acts like I have no place to be correct on how she communicates with me. And all I try to do is reassure her just so we don't end up in another agrument. Because she wants to accuse me of responding in a negative tone or manner why she brings that type of energy at first

[@Bokatisha1234]

My mother to a T! We used to have nights where she insisted my sister and I be "the adults" and "give her a break" where we'd make dinner and tuck her in. It was gross! I dealt with being overly defensive, had anger issues, all manner of problems I had to sort through as soon as I got away from her, and i have something for the rest of you still fighting this: I have a reactive dog. She grew up in a hostile environment where she wasn't allowed to be a puppy. She never had her own space, and anything she was given could be taken away at any time. Sometimes she needs a muzzle, sometimes she scratches people when she doesn't feel safe, sometimes she's too loud when no one is listening. You'd never get mad at an abused dog for reacting this way. You'd help them and work with them and make them feel safe. Your inner child is a reactive dog. Take your own reactions apart in your head and help train yourself to feel better and react better. Sometimes you'll relapse into that head space where you feel unsafe and not listened to and like everyone is angry and wants to hurt you. I never get mad at my dog when she needs to hide. I don't get mad at myself for it either.

[@llIlIlllII]

It's too bad healing often can't come from other humans.. but I'm so glad we have animals.

[@vikki8699]

Omg THANK YOU!! ❤

[@meghansullivan6812]

Ahhhhh the parent/child switch is so spooky honestly. Sorry u went through that.

[@puddinpants5790]

I have a reactive dog who was reactive since the day I brought him home as a 10 week old puppy and he has taught me more about emotions than any licensed therapist.

[@woopdee77]

I really needed to read that. Thank you.

[@brookep4464]

will never forget the time in middle school when my father insisted that he would be helping me with my homework that night, got mad that i'd already done it, threw my homework on the floor and stormed out of the room.

[@miaomiaochan]

Reminds me of the time my parents teamed up to yell at me for using advice from professional resume writers and the resume-writing resources offered by my university's career center to write my resume instead of solely taking my dad's advice.

[@ErisIsAnAbomination]

My mother has been doing the exact same thing for as long as I can remember. I’ll voice annoyance about a task, she’ll swoop in and demand she’s going to help (while complaining about it and admitting she can’t do anything about it), and will get angrier and angrier when I try to tell her she doesn’t need to until it turns into an argument.

[@Werjoj]

My mom went through a similar thing. Her dad would never help her with her homework except for one time when he really wanted to. He ended up not understanding the assignment and got so mad he had a tantrum

[@lauretta1992]

My dad was like that with driving. He's a car person and forced me to have him teach me. Each lesson always ended in screaming and crying and still he got angry when I said I didn't want to do it anymore. I managed to pass the test on the 8th atempt because getting on the driver seat got me in a state of panic. I don't drive anymore.

[@StrawberryK11]

Why didn't he just check your work?

[@toniprekker]

Oh, the chronically misunderstood. The inability to set any boundaries, be seen as a separate person. This is so me. Nothing but struggle with jobs, friends, relationships. Allowed myself to be abused in multiple settings. No sense of self for so long. Finally, in my early 40s, I got treatment for my eating disorder, and got the right kind of treatments. Finally my life is making sense, working out, I'm not constantly struggling. This is so helpful to have discussion of this.

[@AsterInDis]

Ow, this hit hard. A common "joke" in the house was "if mom's cold, everybody puts on a sweater."

[@suzbone]

For us it's, "Mom can't stand thong sandals, so thong sandals are bad and shouldn't even exist and she's going to comment negatively on any pair she sees for her entire life lol." Mom is 85 now and still talks shit about any sandals we wear. It's just one of a _billionty_ things she complains about, any moment she's awake. It's exhausting 😔

[@whimsymaven]

OMG this!!! In my family it's literally, "Mom's tired, everybody go to bed!" This has been a completely true "joke" for *years*!

[@user-kx5en8dg7u]

i hate this so much! my mother runs hot. she literally can't believe that i want to put on a light jacket or hoodie in spring or summer sometimes. i'm also iron deficient which adds to the cold feeling 😂 she will literally scream like the world is ending if i say that i am not hot like her and don't take off my layers.

[@zzzleeepy]

yeeesh. we didn’t have a joke in my house, we all just got quiet when my dad was angry 💀

[@winterwolf0100]

Thinking of middle school, when I said I didn’t want to shave my legs, and my mom said, “if you don’t shave your legs, everyone at your school will think I’m a horrible mother who didn’t provide you with enough stuff!!” And I had to be like “nobody is going to think about YOU when I don’t shave my legs!”

[@ajlee2168]

i didnt expect this comment to affect me this much but i think i just got whiplash. my mother would constantly make comments about my appearance, basically telling me she'll be embarrassed by me being seen like this because she'll be "blamed" for my choices. this used to just add to my insecurities, but now i see all these connections where she thought strangers who barely cared about me would care about HER! insanity! 😭 i never looked at someone with an odd style or "flaw" and thought about their MOTHER.

[@winterwolf0100]

@@ajlee2168 I’m so sorry that you’ve had a similar experience, but you’re EXACTLY right! Nobody thinks of people’s mothers when someone does something wrong; simply doesn’t happen.

[@ZAB_Nailz]

The part where Mickey said “emotionally immature parents tend to be unpredictable, which is inherently traumatic” was so incredibly validating for me. So thank you for that. One instance that sticks out to me is when my mom was supposed to pick me and my sister up for a weekend, and she never showed up, never called, nothing. This was extremely traumatic for me and I never understood why. She’d also always say she was sick/dying (to this day), which Mickey also mentioned.

[@easternflower6476]

You’re not alone. My mom, who I am very close to and love very much, did this throughout my childhood. Only I’m lucky that my mom never meant to hurt me, she was just so traumatized from her own childhood (my grandmother was another level of abusive). We are going to start family counseling this summer, wish us luck.

[@PlayerTenji95]

@@easternflower6476good luck!

[@issabee7743]

This checks so many boxes. One Emotionally Immature parent, one distant one. Add various step-parents that were crappy and abusive. Yay for therapy!

[@hollybrackley1661]

Me too lol

[@irene_in_progress]

And when you're a grown up trying to untangle it all and OPE! it's hiding the neurodivergence also 😩

[@mdoss11]

This! So very true. I am recently diagnosed with ADHD and realized that I may have had symptoms of OCD and dyslexia when I was younger. I asked my mom why I was not tested for these conditions. Her response was, "Because you're not stupid!" As if that would have been a symptom or contributing factor.

[@cosmictraveler1146]

@@mdoss11”nothing is wrong with you” when I told my mother I used food to cope with emotions, what is wrong with them.

[@Robynhoodlum]

YES! The PTSD, depression, anxiety, and dissociation all hid the ADHD!

[@fooeygoo]

Being autistic growing up with parents like that is determining the parent's mood by the sound of their footsteps approaching your room

[@elljay02]

Same 😣

[@268anita]

My mother refers to my 3 university degrees as her degrees as a couple of them ate hung in my childhood bedroom and is so bizarre. Also, she could never apologize for anything instead scoffing at me saying “the things you remember” like I’m the one who is in the wrong for remembering the hurtful things she did.

[@camellia8625]

Or she is implying the things you have made up

[@juliapinzon9970]

This described my mom to a T. We go through cycles of her taking out her anger by screaming at me over nothing, me not talking to her for a long time, then I'll feel sorry for her and talk to her again and it all repeats. I do not feel safe in my own home. I started a new internship in a field that my mom also happens to be interested in, so I decided to break the silence and tell her about it. About a week later, which was a couple of days ago, I meal prepped for myself, which is a big deal for me because I'm trying to feel healthier. I cleaned up the kitchen afterwards, I even cleaned the stove, which is something my mom has gone off on me in the past about, and I reorganized the dishwasher before I left the kitchen. Not long after, my mom comes to my room and tells me to put away the dishes in the drying rack. I had two pans in there that I had washed. I was on the phone with my partner at the time, but I say yes I'll put them away thinking I'll do it when I get off the phone. Well, apparently she wanted it done NOW so I go and put away the pans I used. She then started screaming at me for not putting away the other few things in there from other people in the house. I told her "I clean up after myself, I dont appreciate the way you're speaking to me, and I'm not having this conversation with you right now". She then tells me that I'm no longer allowed to use the dishwasher anymore 🤔. I know that she has no idea how to communicate how she is feeling and she uses things like the dishes to express her emotions at me in a destructive, very loud way. Unfortunately, this leads to me not feeling safe in my own home and definitely not safe to prepare meals for myself in the kitchen, which leads to me buying fast food which makes me feel awful. And worst of all, it means I don't have a supportive, caring mother. I have a mother who constantly tears me down. I am 27 years old and I'm fighting to finish community college and obtain a higher degree to get out of that house. That house is not my home. I'm fighting as hard as I can to be able to leave and start a life with my partner in the city. My partner's apartment is the only place I feel safe and at home.

[@RowenaSnow-px3jg]

Good for you. Good luck getting out. You deserve better

[@borkbork4124]

I am right there with you. This is my mom, and I hated just existing bc no matter what I did I didnt do enough. Having empathy means a lot in finding peace, but once you are not under the same roof I hope you have a sigh of relief like I did. Only, for me my mom packed up and left when that went against the divorce agreement, she took that first step for me ❤all us kids with emotionally immature parents are rooting for you

[@YabbaDabbaDooooo]

I was once where you were. You can do it. It’s going to be hard, especially when you finally take that leap and actually leave- all hell may break loose, and the sabotage will begin. The guilt tripping, the martyrdom, the fatalism, the “you’re not (blank) enough to do it”, the questions meant to make you doubt yourself, and on… But keep your eyes on the prize! Maybe try getting a pre-packaged healthy food at your supermarket. They cost around the same or a little more than fast food, but it’s real food. (ie, like those meals for one with preseasoned chicken or meat with potatoes, carrots, and other dressings. And it’s in a package you just put in a baking pan- no mess, just bake and toss. Or heavy duty foil. Wrap the hell out of those baking pans or use them to steam salmon & other things in. Bake and toss the foil and voila, easy clean up.) It sucks that we have to constantly adapt to the foolishness, but you’ll be out of there soon. Just hang in there, y’all. Here’s to hoping for a much brighter future for you guys. 🎉 good luck 👍

[@castrinecubique983]

She's obviously purposely sabotaging you. Hope you can get out soon.

[@Mich6961]

''That house is not my home'' God, I felt that. I also only felt safe when I was around my partner but to keep it simple, he's unoficially dumped me.

[@SamHaeger]

My boss "you don't need to explain everything" Me "My childhood trauma says otherwise"

[@spookyghost6713]

My mother constantly told me I had no rights from a young as three. I didn't have the right to be angry or sad, to cry, to be bored, to be lonely, or hungry. It's taken years of work to even begin to unlearn that and re-center myself in my own life.

[@enbyarchmage]

My dad semi-recently told me that I'm not allowed to be traumatized by anything he's ever said, and that any time I do get traumatized, it's due to interpretation errors on my part. He also said that, unlike him, I can't understand my own thoughts, hence therapy. 🙃😑

[@alinegutierrez]

My mom did the same thing. I’m sorry ❤

[@louise6268]

This video huuuurts In my early 20s I had no idea why I was so miserable, distrustful, resentful, always feeling lonely and misunderstood, like none of my thoughts or feelings ever mattered to anyone. On the surface my parents were just fine, but every time my therapist would ask what my parents did or said whenever something had happened, my answer was always "Nothing." We never shared any interest or hobbies, we never made memories like going on vacation or celebrating, they would never console or defend me, never had any important talk (like about the divorce, or who's this new lady that just moved in) and they taught me nothing (from tying my shoes or writing my own name or how to ride a bike.) And there was a definite vibe that my feelings should be kept hidden, mine alone to deal with. An aunt's boyfriend even touched me as an underage right in front of my mom and my whole family, and she's never said a single word about it. In fact I was told to calm down and take a joke when I started screaming at him. The cherry on top is all, ALL, of my teachers told them I was struggling in school, most likely with an attention deficit. They would recount what the teachers said to me, laughing, then never did anything about it, not even sit down to do homework. Cut to my late 20s and I just got diagnosed with the combination of autism-ADHD, with a chronic lifelong depressive disorder. But my mom was abused/heavily neglected as a child, and she never healed from it, recounting endlessly the same stories. So whatever pain I was going through, it would never compare to what she went through, so I had nothing to complain about according to her. It's been so hard to explain to my friends and lovers how chronically abandoned I was, and how deep my trust issues go

[@ThatKafkaMain]

My mom wanted me to do something for my brother. I said no 3 times and then my parents called me upstairs and grilled me for saying no. They said, and I quote, "How dare you say no?" So I had to apologise for saying no. That is revolting, disgusting and repulsive. I'm glad I'm it happened at an age where I can see how wrong that is. Imagine what that couldve done to a very young girl. Telling her to apologise for saying no.

[@baekhyun05_citylights37]

I've also experienced this and still is experiencing this because I still live with my mom but recently she tried to make it seem that I'm being controlled by a demon or the devil just because I was told her no when she asked me to go back on the scale to redo my weight again because she mistaken what my weight was because she thought it was 353 or 335 but I'm like it a 20 pound difference I really wouldn't matter so i was like no im not going back on it after I had to do it like 10 different times because I guess since the scale is so old that it always have or say error. And she wants to say just because I live under her roof I need to stop telling her no when she ask me to do something and tells me that I only get to say that when I have my own place, even though I contribute to living with her by cleaning/tidy up things when asked or even just on my own, doing mandatory chores, the lil money I was making helping out my grandma and aunt taking that money to help pay the water bill and give her gas money when she takes me places and I get treated as if I'm such a disrespectful, ungrateful, demonic, and all the other things she would say child but when my brother was here she dealt with his BS and disrespect, excuses and etc. Mind you I'm soon turning 21 and have narcolepsy with cataplexy and haven't been lucky in finding a job. So me just being sick and tired or the emotional abuse and gaslighting manipulation threats physical abuse and crying

[@kdani4777]

I’m so hyper aware of other peoples emotions that going in public is actually draining

[@victoriafrombhbh8659]

The more I looked into my emotionally immature parents, the more I saw how my own parenting was emotionally immature! Love wasn’t enough to break the cycle for my kids. I definitely give myself and my parents more grace and it gives me hope. This is a skill issue, I can learn skills to show up better for my kiddos.

[@thtswutshesaid]

The biggest step you are taking is realizing your own mistakes & thats okay! You're still breaking generational curses❤

[@whocanitbenow13]

I’ve noticed a lot of my peers who had Boomer parents had these same signs. That generation had a lot of emotional immaturity going on.

[@thtswutshesaid]

And gen x parents too. They're the real assholes of the generations. Lol

[@mgpitt8331]

Reminds me so much of my mom. One time, I finally had enough of her taking food off my plate without asking because what I was eating looked so good. I told her that it's rude, and if she asked me for a bite, I would have given it to her. Her response? Throwing a tantrum, saying she was going to call my sister and cancel planned Mother's Day activities because I was being disrespectful. My mom's definition of being respectful to her was letting her do whatever she wanted without comment.

[@coda3223]

I'm wondering if there are tips / frameworks for figuring out how much of feeling misunderstood is based on having emotionally immature parent(s), vs genuinely being misunderstood as a part of the marginalization of being autistic in a world built for neurotypicals? How can one tell which is which and when does this distinction matter?

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

I think the distinction matters because you would tackle both situations from different angles, but I would love to hear some tips as well (confirmed Adhder, unconfirmed Autistic here).

[@castrinecubique983]

Tbf, a huge majority is marginalized in today's dysfunctional society, built for rich able straight white neurotypical males.

[@zoezkay]

I think this is often the same issue to an extent, where emotionally immature parents don't have the skills to see life from the POV of their autistic child, or focus mainly on how the autism impacts them, rather than their child's experience

[@eevee2411]

I think there is a genuine difference. The 'feeling misunderstood' is valid of course, but often is an unhealed wound from childhood (unless someone is truly misunderstanding you and not trying). Usually this goes so deep, that it can't be fulfilled by other people. No matter who you're talking to or how well you explain yourself, part of you still feels like they don't get you. Of course some people don't want to understand, but in this case even the people who genuinely care and want to be there for you can't fix this wound. That would be something you'd have to work on for yourself, possibly with therapy. I think you'd need to do deep introspection for this, asking yourself questions like 'What is it that I want them to understand? How have I been communicating that, and is there a more effective way of communication? What would I need from them in order to feel understood? What were moments that caused me to feel misunderstood in the past, and what things trigger that feeling for me in the present? What are moments where I do feel understood, and what part did both I and the other person play in that situation?' - This way you can figure out what it is you really need so you know what to ask for, and maybe some part of it is accepting that because of childhood trauma you will never feel like anyone truly understands you, but that you can acknowledge that feeling as a remnant from the past and look beyond it. While genuinely being misunderstood will also provoke this feeling, as you work out your triggers and your background when it comes to feeling misunderstood, it'll likely be easier to distinguish what is going on in the moment. Whether the words someone used reminded you of a traumatic experience and therefore cause this feeling, but that person didn't mean it in the same way and is actually trying to understand, or whether someone is truly misunderstanding you. This comment is already super long so I'll leave it at this, but I hope it can help a bit :)

[@xoPotatoTreexo]

I think there's a genuine difference, too. My mum misunderstands me quite a bit (but she's getting better) and almost all of the misunderstandings stem from my autism. The misunderstandings with my dad (who, not to make excuses, is probably autistic too but he's a Boomer so diagnosis is never gonna happen) are almost all because he's emotionally immature/stunted. I can't put the difference into words but I can definitely feel it, and tips for navigating it would solve at least some of the problems

[@alisonfabi1081]

i already knew both of my parents are emotionally immature in different ways but my jaw was still on the floor with some of these examples being so accurate :') i would LOVE another video on this topic, as i'm still finding myself justifying their behavior bc it wasn't/isn't the most extreme it could be. thank you mickey

[@chesneymigl4538]

Same!

[@high-bi-password]

DITTO

[@astridquarry1248]

This is where I am, too. Not too extreme, but definitely enough that I want my child to grow up differently than I did.

[@quirkyoppossum]

The extremity doesn't matter. If you're relating to this video, your feelings are valid. For anyone who needs to hear it, you matter and are a valuable person, and you deserve to have your wants and needs met, just like anyone else.

[@unseenmolee]

i still have imposter syndrome abt saying i have been abused. its so hard esp when ive blocked most of it out. what i do remember ill tell myself "it could have been worse" like that makes it ok? im finally breaking out of that cycle tho, i cant lie to myself and say "its not a big deal" when its still affecting me years later

[@GrayTimber]

Definitely, my mother has emotional immaturity. She doesn't understand why both my sister and I are no contact. I once tried to talk to her about how she hurt me as a child, she blew up and tried to hurt me further. She once threatened to give away my dog because I had to get away from her, but couldn't take my dog. (She was a little thing that my mom claimed to love. Obviously not) Mom later claimed she never threatened that. She's gaslit me time and time again to spare her own feelings. I think its denial and a defense mechanism. I'm so scared for the child she's fostering right now, honestly. My sister and I have sworn to go to court on our cousin's behalf and give testimony should she ask us to, to get her child back. I think they're scared to try because of how unhinged my mother is. I didn't need to share that, but sometimes it feels better to talk about things somewhere, anywhere.

[@p1nqu3]

we’re in such a similar situation because my brother and i have been no contact (he’s abusive) for 2 years and nearly every opportunity she gets she says it’s up to me to talk to him again because “i see other families have happy brothers and sisters and i want that”. not caring for how much he’s hurt me throughout my life. she constantly chooses him over me and idk if it’s some kind of trauma response or that she’s just really selfish but she gets so defensive whenever i tell her that she failed to protect me. i hope your situation improves 🫶

[@Maderlololohio]

Just get ready to fight for the kid. What happened to you and your sister is evidence enough. In the same boat but w my ex husband the oldest two teen sons don't want contact and we r through court asking that he gets the smallest one once every two weeks for the weekend but if we notice smth we will move to have that removed as well. I even think my lawyer is moving to have supervision

[@allisonweatherford1319]

'Boundary setting is a betrayal. This is an inherent act of hurt, and this is painful for your parent for you to dare to need space for yourself, especially amongst EIPs who use their kids as an emotional outlet or treat them as a confidant or peer [...]' This hits the nail on the head. I had a particularly nasty conversation with my mom not too long ago; I'm going to school for psychology and want to advocate for and treat people with a particular disorder that my sister was diagnosed with. I also was diagnosed with this disorder, but never told my mom because of the way she would talk about my sister. After this coming up in conversation and my mom just lambasting people with the disorder for several minutes straight, not wanting at all to consider the information I've learned in school, I finally disclosed my diagnosis to her and told her she can't paint all of us with such broad strokes. Her response was, 'Oh, well I guess I just can't talk to you about anything!' It was so exhausting. Being her confidant since I was a teenager has been exhausting. Thanks for making this video, it was very affirming to see so many of the qualities I've adopted to cope with my parents layed out with explanation. I feel less insane, but more sad for myself. Mostly sad because I know I have to restructure my relationship with my parents for my own mental health, and I know it's gonna hurt. Thanks for producing such excellent and informative content. It made me feel seen in a very hard time.

[@ErisIsAnAbomination]

I really feel this, and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. My mom acts the same way; she treats me as her vent outlet and will regularly get me alone with her so she can spill her guts about whatever petty family drama she’s in. It’s extremely uncomfortable but every time I ask her to stop, she gets angry and calls me “cruel” or “uncaring”.

[@PaigeOutLoud]

Thank you for saying all of this. You are not alone in how you’re feeling. You captured how I feel precisely.

[@ab6525]

I read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" a couple months back and it's hard to describe what a mind f@#$ it was. It felt like someone was describing my entire childhood to me for an entire book. Also helped me understand why I struggle to get out of the same patterns and emotional cycles that I get into with my parents. Life changing honestly To anyone that's interested I recommend "Running on Empty" as well. Similar topic but goes into more detail on emotional neglect and it's effects

[@shaylafey]

Iv been thinking about picking up this book, while I understand the need, and 100% support that its a valid approach, I'm not interested in something that focuses on just centering the parent as the 'bad guy' persay or that does not recognize things like generational trauma that can cause emotional insecurity. I do not want to go NC with my parents, especially my mom, I want to talk to her about this in away that is helpful for both of us. From your read would this be something that would help with that, or more is for the former?

[@sierracox3278]

“Must be nice” is the single most triggering phrase in my life

[@purplkaret]

Not to overstate it but the Emotionally Immature of Adult Children changed my life. My mom wasn’t super obviously abusive but she certainly was the center of the universe of our family due to being depressed anxious and having her own childhood stuff. I resonated so hard with that book and finally understood what was going on. As an adult I was emotionally and financially enmeshed and realized she never looked out for my emotional needs. In fact she said to my face that they’re not real. Finally had to go NC to find myself again. I feel like this is more common than people realize and it’s so powerful to feel seen and empowered in your own emotions and needs! Thanks for covering this ❤

[@shaylafey]

Iv been thinking about picking up this book, while I understand the need, and 100% support that its a valid approach, I'm not interested in something that focuses on just centering the parent as the 'bad guy' persay or that does not recognize things like generational trauma that can cause emotional insecurity. I do not want to go NC with my parents, especially my mom, I want to talk to her about this in away that is helpful for both of us. From your read would this be something that would help with that, or more is for the former?

[@naryainc]

​@@shaylafey I second this. I wish there were separate categories of resources for people who want to go NC and those who don't. And then people can progress from one to the other if they feel like it.

[@rosethorne9155]

Having emotionally immature parents gave me terrible hypervigilance and severe depression as a teenager.

[@matthewstreacker7402]

Reminds me of when I was 9 on the 4th of July with family, I was patting on my dad’s head playfully calling him “dumby head” (which in context had no meaning i was just saying words) and when I did that my dad told me I was going to sleep immediately and wouldn’t see fireworks with the rest of my family. I spent the rest of the night crying watching my family have fun outside the window. Now he’s blocked out of my life permanently 💪🏼

[@Diane_666]

And here I am, wondering if it's unreasonable for me not to want to talk to my father anymore because he once beat me up for telling my mother that I wanted him to shut up while I was having a breakdown... He wasn't even meant to hear it, I was just answering my mother's question because she asked me what I wanted him to do.

[@matthewstreacker7402]

@@Diane_666 Absolutely not unreasonable whatsoever. Your body, your mind, your life, your choice!

[@PlayerTenji95]

Parents who can’t be silly with their kids are the worst, my goodness.

[@matthewstreacker7402]

@@PlayerTenji95 I hadn’t even thought of it that way cuz I never had the opportunity to experience that! Ur comment just brought more clarity

[@vocexseta]

This isn't related to anything, but your hair is so pretty.

[@deec6535]

Wow. I recall so vividly being in uni. I was held back from starting school until I was past 7yo, so I graduated high school at 19y. So in uni, I was always an adult. I mentioned in passing that my friend and I wanted to get an apartment nearer the school for sophomore year of uni. I headed out the door to go to work (I was teaching gymnastics classes, it probably took three hours, maybe four). When I got home from work she was STILL on the sofa in the fetal position BAWLING “you’re leaving me!” Yes. And the sooner the better. I was not allowed to move out with my friend. They owned my car, paid my car insurance, health insurance, and she would take it all away if I moved out. I left a few weeks after graduation and we are no contact now. Just the tip of the iceberg in her handbook of crazy.

[@cybernicala]

emotional bloodhound is a perfect way to describe that. i had to be hyper vigilant about my my moms changes in emotion because i would get punished for her being in a bad mood. if she had a bad day at work and came back home super quiet, i knew to steer clear. in my adult relationships, it is difficult because i tend to read a lot into the emotions i think i see them showing and trust that more than their words and actions. love this video!

[@IndigoBellyDance]

‘In trouble for taking up space’ So resonates w/me. It doesn’t matter what I do, I will always b in the wrong w/my parents And I’ve had to learn to b ok w/that And let them go. My parents do not love me and I do not love them

[@reigning_deer185]

I remember my parents always asking me to fix things and when I did they only ever told me it was "better" which always felt like a dig, because "better" didn't mean it was actually fixed, so they got out of complimenting me and I was never sure if I had successfully accomplished the task

[@lfleia]

Man, that book not only changed the way I approached my relationship with my parents and started setting boundaries and seeing things for how they were, it also helped me see that way I was starting to go down that path and repeating some of those own behaviors in my relationships and being emotionally immature myself. I've been a lot happier since reading that book and challenging some of my thought processes and having an entirely different dialogue with my mom specifically.

[@brinagotsued]

Could you please write out the name of the book? I'm not catching it in the video.

[@happyowl08]

@@brinagotsuedAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

[@astridquarry1248]

I've had this sitting in my Audible library for months, but have been too nervous to start it. This has convinced me to finally start listening.

[@brinagotsued]

@@happyowl08 Thank you.

[@lfleia]

@@astridquarry1248 my advice to anyone starting it is to take it slow. Everyone i know that has read that book has had some grieving to do, myself included. Some parts may hit harder than others, give yourself time to process that before moving on in the book where you need to.

[@writerspen010]

Shout out to my dad, who dumped on the degree I had pursued as an undergrad at my sibling's college graduation, who had obtained one of the only degrees he considers worth pursuing (business). And shoutout to him for belittling my field when I became the first and only person in my family to pursue a Master's degree. And shoutout to my mom, who made my husband ask her for permission to marry me after he had already proposed, despite my not valuing that tradition since childhood and despite being there at all to share that we had just gotten engaged. 🤦‍♀

[@noellecelnik4347]

Understanding why my Gen X parents are/were emotionally immature doesn't make it all go away. I was still severely neglected and abused, that is not changed by my sympathy and disdain for how their parents raised them, or how their parents were raised.

[@DolceSuono9]

All of this plus being autistic = self harm stims and an eating disorder; felt all the emotions even if I didn’t understand them and couldn’t process.

[@Lily-ge4tm]

As a fellow autistic, I did not know self harm could be used to stim and the thought fills me with more emotions than I can name. I hope you get to a better mental space where the stress of living can be coped with in other ways. The world is really rough, stay safe!

[@tubs_xoxo]

one thing, for me personally, that sucks about having an emotionally mature mother and that i haven’t ever seen talked about is that i feel like i’ve taken on some of her lack of self-awareness as a defense mechanism. it’s too exhausting to always try and be empathetic towards her, so if she yells at me calling me abusive, now i’ll do the same thing back. if she brings up stuff i have done in the past (from like 5 years ago, for example, not necessarily something recent) ill go ahead and do the same. afterwards, when all that anger has been let out though, i fall back into feeling guilty and like im a bad child for treating my own mom in that way and the cycle repeats. just didnt see any comments with a similar take so i wanted to add in my own experience! love ur videos 🫶🏻

[@Maderlololohio]

We start to mirror our abusers. It's why we should leave toxic situations. It makes us get our hands dirty. As a mother whose 2 teenage sons also snap every now and then I can reassure you we do understand you setting boundaries.

[@tubs_xoxo]

@@Maderlololohio thank you, it's really relieving to hear that

[@christinapasion271]

Yes please a part 2! I've recently been coming to terms with being overly "nice" or accommodating is not moral good. It's hard too when people around tell you that you are the most kind/nice/empathetic person they've met. Just reinforces the idea that "yes this is good, and if I can't be everything to everyone then I am a bad person"

[@nellautumngirl]

Omg same

[@saddragonbean]

I would really appreciate a conversation on how to approach healing when dealing with that feeling, as an adult, of being chronically misunderstood everywhere you go.

[@katherines144]

Same. I'm an INTP woman, and am often not sure if society just hates me (my personality) or if I'm truly just misunderstood

[@Maderlololohio]

​@@katherines144could also be audhd. Smth that others sense and they tend to filter and discriminate. It's scary cause it leads to losing jobs and thereby financial security

[@SabertoothedTiger69]

Oh, so this is why I used to burst into tears anytime the attention was solely on me and why I'm content playing the sidekick character to the people I care about... I'd accepted my mom was emotionally immature because she didn't match up with narcism or Borderline, but this hits home

[@spOOkytimes]

My mom was horrible. She said and did awful things to anyone with the misfortune of being around. The thing that made me lose respect for her the most is never making time to go to school/sporting events we had as kids and never failing to make every special occasion about her. I remember a specific time where I had just about enough of her bs but at least was cordial. She called off Christmas at her house last minute when I was currently at my in-laws' house. I expressed that it was a bummer (a lie, i did not care) and that its all good. She tried starting a fight with me because it wasn't the reaction of screaming, crying, throwing up that she expected. Like many times before that, I blocked her. Have since gone NC because she is such an awful presence that I don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with her anymore.

[@someball90q]

I can relate to most of this but my parent wasn't really jealous of me or didn't consider me an extension of him, he just kind of ignored us and whatever we said to him/our issues. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that the way men are emotional immature can present differently? I think he just refused to grow up and deal with his own emotions so he never had time for ours.

[@xoPotatoTreexo]

Yeah, I don't know if I would say my dad was jealous but if anyone ever got hurt in the family it wasn't that bad and "sh*t happens" because he would always have experienced worse. It was a weird competition of suffering, and how he felt set the tone for the rest of the house, because he can't regulate himself and the only emotion men are "allowed" to feel is anger

[@karasmusic123]

I agree about the immaturity. But some of them severely injure or beat their kids, and I think it can sometimes be more serious than that. Some of them use crazymaking, gaslighting, negative word salad, and intentionally psychologically torture their children for hours. Some of them "get off" on sadism and reactivity, in general, and sometimes even laugh or make fun of you when you are crying from their beatings. Some of them even go so far as to kill their child. No hate or cattiness intended, I promise.

[@Moho_braccatus_]

There are definitely sadistic parents too. I agree.

[@2012jordie]

Agreed. We may recognise that the behaviour of sadistic, psychopathic, or malignant narcissist parents stems from a failure to fully develop emotionally, but when it comes to physical and sexual abuse or even murder attempts, it doesn't do to put those parents in the same category as "spoiled mothers who are a bit selfish with their kids' attention". I'm sorry for what you went through. Don't blame yourself. Society has a real problem with protecting shitty parents, and there's little justice for people who've endured parental abuse, let alone those of us who had real evil in our families.

[@shaylafey]

There's a huge difference (although there is overlap) between stunted emotional development (emotional immaturity),overly narcissistic traits or even NPD, and deliberate malicious abuse. The first two especially can overlap, but the later while having overlapping experincies, is a very diffrent beast.

[@erika2754]

Yes, please expand on this topic!!! It’s so educational and validating. Plus, your videos are much more enjoyable/entertaining than most on these topics haha.

[@vicc5176]

The part on boundaries reminded me when my mother said something that upset me and then tried to force a hug. I must have been about 12. This was the first time I ever denied a hug, I was just so done with her. The way she blew up instantly had me running after her apologising profusely. Now I know why I struggle with setting boundaries at age 29.

[@hearthish]

I'm the child of a Narcissist. I have Borderline and other issues. I am also a Mother. I work so hard to not be my Mom and to not do the things she does. But I make mistakes and am still learning. I find that it does help to sit with my daughter and discuss my reactions and why I react as I do, and i tell her when I'm wrong (which is most of the time when we talk). I try really hard to explain that my issues are mine and not her problem. That it's up to me to fix it. Because I'm the parent. This video hit hard twice. For my inner child and because I still make mistakes.

[@hearthish]

PS. I'm not just calling my Mom a Narc. Multiple professional therapists and counselors have used the word to describe her to me.

[@Lily-ge4tm]

Thank you for admitting when you're wrong. BPD is hard to deal with, but you're trying and that counts.

[@IndigoBellyDance]

Yep, the gift that keeps on giving. Emotionally immature parents. Why I keep my parents at a Great Arms length

[@cookkeh]

unfortunately both of my parents were children of emotionally immature parents & that like 3rd hand trauma from the way theyre parents fucked them up...oof. they really did try to undo the damage that was done to them but it was a STRUGGLE.

[@noellecelnik4347]

For your description: The sui hotline number is now 988 in the US. The more that that info gets out there, the more people get helped.

[@MaraBumbuc]

Feeling or explicitly being told that it's wrong to sing or to play music at home with your sibling if one of your parents is upset that day for any reason

[@kyleyoung8476]

The constant misunderstood feeling is real. It's made it to where I just give up and don't even care to explain unless I'm directly asked lol it's exhausting trying to show your reasoning all the time. Especially when you explain and people just say, "that's an excuse " No, it's why I feel how I do or did what I did.

[@ReginaelizabethFrancis]

I read "adult children of emotionally immature parents" and i felt shame leaving my body in 23 years. I am dismissive avoidant and struggle with every human to human relationship. This book opened my eyes and frankly i forgave myself after years of wondering why i cant be normal. To anyone who feels their childhood haunting them, there is hope 💪

[@shaylafey]

I am just now coming to terms with my parents being emotionally immature. I do get that everyone's trauma and reactions are valid, but I wish there were more nuanced resources on this. My parents, especially mom are victims of generational trauma, I was the child, so of course I am not at fault for their issues. But also, they in many ways did the best they could with what they had. My mom especially, displays signs of someone who not only went through a lot of trauma, but who ALSO had emotionally immature parents (among being generally abusive). Shes far from selfish or egotistical, but yet she is also emotionally immature, unable to deal with her own distress, or others negative emotions. She has always struggled to validate my emotions, accidentally guilt trips, finds fault in everything in not just herself but also me, etc. And i am working on deconstructing those very same behaviors. But I wish that kind was talked about more indepth. Because I think its important for people who like myself, feel that there is not necessarily a 'bad guy' in these situations, while still want to acknowledge the harm that was done.

[@nellautumngirl]

Well put, there is not a bad guy. Which also makes me angry at the whole world that allows children to be treated like that?

[@amusiclover7340]

I have a similar situation, and I hope maybe some of this will help. There is absolutely room to both acknowledge that there was a combination of factors that led to them being the way they are, and to hold space for the hurt they’ve done to you. What’s helped me is thinking it like two sides of a coin. You can empathetic (if you want to, obviously it’s also valid if you’re angry and it’s hard to feel empathy at the moment), while also acknowledging your anger and frustration. I hope you heal someday, and find peace.

[@naryainc]

I agree and wish there was more consideration for parents who are trying their best with what they have. It's unrealistic to expect adults and parents to never express their emotions and act like robots or they'll cause irreversible trauma to their kids. People are emotional and it's not always going to look pretty. I wish people were reminded more of how resilient they are and that they can overcome trauma rather than focus on who to blame and expect perfection from parents. It's scary to think one stern comment or expression of anger can contribute a large chunk of your child's perception of you as a person even if it was an isolated incident. I have memories of both my parents at their worst that I'll never forget, but it doesn't make them bad people, it just makes them people. At the end of the day, both parents are and children become grown adults who need their own independence and autonomy, which includes boundaries. A parent-child relationship is something you're supposed to grow out of and if either party hold on to it, it will inevitably prevent your personal development and your relationship.

[@shaylafey]

​@@naryainc I think you may have misunderstood my opinion. Parents absolutely are still responsible for the ways they harm their children, mine included. And the trauma being talked about is way more than 'a stern comment'. Its about behaviors extremely impactful , or patterns of behaviors. Not small outliers. Its also not that anyone expects 0 emotion from parents, but how you display and show that in front of a child, even an adult child needs to be mindful, as much as possible. For one the parent and child relationship is always going to be an uneven power dynamic, and the parent has a responsibility with that in mind. However, doing things bad and wrong, does not make someone a bad person, instead most of the time its a product of their own issues. Again that does not mean they are not accountable, but at the same time it does not mean they are inherently a malicious and bad person, who did awful things just to be awful. Infact that's probably an outlier, but yet that is often assigned to toxic, neglectful, or abusive parents. But again, one more time, that does not mean that parents don't hold responsibility for the trauma, big T or little t, that they impart onto their children.

[@naryainc]

@@shaylafey I thought your opinion was refreshing because it didn't dehumanize parents. I feel like a lot of people express disappointment in parents without realizing they're just people too. I agree that the child-parent relationship has an uneven power dynamic, but that is precisely why both parties need to outgrow it. You have to respect people's independence and recognize their humanity and that goes both ways in adulthood. Parents can't cling to their role as an authority, they have to let go. And adult children can't let go of their agency and blame their parents for everything. Life isn't perfect, a parent can't always be mindful, they will always fail you and maturing is the realization of that.

[@gaby6506]

"Well I'm sorry you feel that way, but..." Or the apology but somehow it's still your fault PLEASE make a pt. 2!!

[@Female_wallace_and_gromit]

OMG this is hit very close to home. You have just described my mum. The constant guilt tripping, the being yelled at as a child just because I asked a question and she lost her patience and the unpredictability of it. As a child I came across of shy but looking back I was just anxious. I'm not shy or introverted now. Boundarys are impossible no matter how firm I am and how clear I make myself. She'd never admit it but in her head I'm not autonomous. She still tries to parent me and I constantly have to remind her that I'm an adult

[@Amber-sc9jp]

As the wife of someone whose mom is emotionally immature, the solution was to go no contact. He met my family and saw what "normal" looks like and just couldn't stand seeing the way she affected me or the fact that we always arrived and left her home feeling more stressed than we ever did with my parents. She made our engagement announcement about her because we told his father first (they're separated) and she was the FIRST person to leave our wedding because, and I kid you not, she had a DATE.

[@papabless3200]

as a college student who’s living at home with my mother over the summer, i feel VERY SEEN BY THIS

[@beatrizcarter9172]

Did anyone feel like they were checking off a list on the things she was mentioning? As a parent, I now am checking off things I’ve done before therapy. Dear lord is generational patterns hard to break! Thank you for everything girl!

[@recycledroses]

The first example is my mother for as long as I can remember, and being a millennial living at home, I'm 99% sure it's still messing with me. My grandmother left her 4 kids and husband when they were young and my mom had to assume the role of caretaker for everyone. She had to grow up fast, and it's probably a big reason why a lot of this makes sense. I'd love another video, as I'm sure most people who watched this one do.

[@abbyzeo4646]

couldn’t be more real right now, i live with my bf’s parents and one of them is literally incapable of doing anything for anyone except themself. when we ask them to simply do their own dishes they turn it into a huge defensive yelling match. it’s not fair on my partner or the other parent in the house, who always ends up doing the things they don’t:/

[@insomniaticity8642]

Hate it when these parents go "I never taught you that" when you do something bad as a kid. You never taught me anything, period. I had to learn how to people from the internet, which is not the best place to learn from most of the time.

[@yubelyuki661]

My mother is definitely a narcissist, and i myself have berm diagnosed as AvPD, and i can see why. To have my peace from her emotional vampirism, i had to move continents, from Europe to Canada, and i can finally heal, though i still am too frightful of people and especially connecting wirh them.

[@FennecTheRabbit]

My mom would chronically compare her weight to mine and my sister’s. All the time. Like she wanted us to be thin but to also be thinner. That shit was WILD. Like she’s since passed and I’m at my heaviest and happiest. Like it’s so much easier when needing bigger clothes is just a thing I need instead of something to be upset about.

[@eveofthewood]

PLEASE make a follow up video! Daughter of an emotionally immature mother who fits so so much of the criteria. It's exhausting.

[@marixlife]

not me just screaming this entire video

[@NameOfRain]

I felt like you were narrating my life. My mother used to brag that she was living vicariously through me to other adults, among other pretty awful behaviors. Please do another video on this topic.

[@evolvingboard]

I'd love a what to do as an adult because my parents aren't like this, but my MIL is, and unfortunately we live with her and she's driving me crazy.

[@crystal3850]

Omg its like you're talking directly to me. I feel this whole video.

[@shannonragan606]

So I think I just confirmed in my head that the only way to heal my relationship with my parents is to have them focus on this channel and Cinema Therapy instead of focusing on my problems, so ahh thank you!!

[@rebeccaroig7922]

Cinema Therapy ❤

[@ohgeez3794]

Not a parent, but a friend of mine would often have big emotional outbursts that just sucked all the energy out of a room and immediately sent me into fight/flight/freeze. She was also unpredictable and inconsistent! And did the thing where she wouldn't let anybody help, if people helped she would be rude to them, and then at the end be like, "nobody helps me, I have so much to do". We are no longer friends! I knew she was being out of pocket, but it's helpful to hear that validated.

[@saschabittner8155]

You met my grandma,I see My mom has done so much work., but it has been hard. The last straw was when my mom finally graduated from college after so many challenges, including having me young, me having a disability, etc, etc. My grandma said, "Well, I guess you just get everything you ever wanted." She has also trashed the university my mom and I graduated from, a very , very well-respected school, because it is a "cesspool of liberalism". My grandma's parents died when she was young (which she always shares on my birthday since her mom and I share it, happy birthday to me I guess), and she was raised by her aunts, who were pretty emotionally distant it seems .

[@Maderlololohio]

I would tell her to stop being such a sourpuss

[@phoenixfreefall]

Just thinking about one of my bigger traumas, not playing for the honor band concert. Because at the time, I blamed the director for not sending out the rehearsal schedule to everyone (which he didn't, it was 1999 and internet was hard). But also, my mom didn't ask for it, and she didn't take me to rehearsal at least once because "she didn't feel like it." I showed up on concert day, in concert dress, to play the concert, but the organizers determined that although I was one of the strongest players, I'd missed too many rehearsals to perform. My mom never asked the organizers for a replacement schedule when the original one didn't get sent appropriately. She never asked for anything. She was likely drunk on the day she felt too bad to take me to rehearsal.

[@jessicaf6358]

THANK YOU for what you said at 7:35: "It's not appropriate for parents to teach their kids that it is their (the kid's) fault for everything." WOW, did I need to hear that! There are other Gold Nuggets, too, but that one reaaaaaally got me -- in a good way!

[@art.junk13]

It’s sad, being in therapy for YEARS and I still have self doubt about my parents being narcs. My therapist has assured me I’m not a narcissist even tho my parents called me selfish and spoiled my whole life-especially since their lives were harder than mine ig. I’m a child obviously im not sure how to dismiss my “irrational” needs. And yes, they make the whole household scared just when they clean the house for their stupid parties and claim no one ever helps them out but when you DO help they tell you how you do it wrong. 🙄🤦‍♀️ The hardest part is not adopting these behaviors yourself in adult hood even though it deeply hurt you. You become defensive and project too, and it takes so much therapy and conscious decision making while you’re emotionally charged to not repeat patterns that will hurt others. This is the only way I’ll ever be a “true extension” of them, not the things they forced on me to make their reputation better. When you did meet their standards they change the expectations anyways, I feel like they jelous. So normalized tho in so many societies- child free for the WIN .

[@art.junk13]

Also Mickey, not that you’ll see this just wanna say I love the hair on you! Looks incredible. Tried to put it in first comment but it won’t show.

[@miaomiaochan]

My dad does almost all of the cooking in our family, and he always gets irked when no one helps him right away, only to get further irked when we don't help him the right way. Gee, I wonder why we're hesitant to help him?

[@melusine826]

My mum was 17 when i was born.... and very ill all my childhood. Her needs had to come first and her capacity changed moment to moment due to anxiety, agoraphobia on top of the asthma and food and everything allergies. I learnt to be quiet when she had a migraine, to avoid asking for things for myself. AND adding emotional immature for a large chunk of that. No routines. I dont think she intentionally did things, or pull much guilt tripping, but oh it still f'ed me up pretty good

[@shaylafey]

I don't think the majority of parents do these things deliberately, it is there own lack of supports, and or/ emotional development that means an inability to healthily deal with situations, which causes them to push similar trauma onto their kids. While there is for sure some deliberately malice parents. I think most of it is just the epitome of hurt people, hurt people, especially when they do not have the tool set to do anything else.

[@radiostatic]

I feel like my Dad grew up as an undiagnosed autistic man with emotionally immature parents and, as a result, has narcissistic tendencies as an adult. He’s 62, lives alone, and when we hang out, all he does it talk about himself or his opinions. I consider myself lucky whenever he asks me how I’m doing. I would love a video with advice on how to talk to parents like that, who talk AT you and not WITH you.

[@reginageorgecostanza]

my daddy issues are Screaming rn

[@LunaBloom99]

Took my mom years to come to terms with having a trans daughter. Even though she said I told her when I was four years old. I turned 29 this year. Now, she’s decided we’re in this weird competition. My head hasn’t stopped spinning since she made the ✨transition✨ lmaoooo She’s overweight, but fixates on my weight. She’s in menopause, but shuts down any conversation about my HRT journey, laments marrying & having kids young and opines wishing that she could also travel the world. She even said I should move back home and be her therapist. After years of mocking my high anxiety, depression, and neurodivergence. The EIP is off the charts.

[@RockyRepulsa]

Read this book almost 4 years back and i can confidently say that it saved my life.

[@Laundrey1]

I grew up with this as a mom. When she lived with me after moving to the state I moved to (and just throwing this out there, “ironically” replacing all of her kitchen ware with identical things that I had), she lived with me for almost a year before my husband had to have the conversation with her and my dad about moving out because we couldn’t have out of town guests come. It took them 7 years to build their house so they would have been here forever. She never respected my house but taught me to always respect everything of theirs and others. She refused to clean my downstairs that was caked with dust from her hairspray and refused to replace the doorframe that her dog damaged, yet they won’t even let their dog run in their house by fearing he will scratch their floors and her house is pristine clean. Furthermore, MY daughter (who she always refers to as being the mother if instead of me who is the actual mother) got married in her large yard last week. The manipulation between my mom and my aunt to my daughter was so bad that she kept giving up what she wanted and ended up in tears. So I went mamabear and gently told them that we had a change of plans for what was going to happen. They both gave me the silent treatment, my aunt ya led me backwards in heels outside on uneven grass with ankles that have massive instability and talked so rudely to me that my youngest daughter stepped in to defend me. I stood up for the bride, my daughter, and they’ve treated me so badly since. I did it in a respectful and gentle manner but they act like I’m a disease because I dared to go against what they wanted. A year ago my mom stopped talking to me for 3 months because I called her out for lying to me over and over again in a situation. She throws everything I say back in my face to sound intelligent when I’m the one trying to resolve and communicate. She has zero clue how to communicate and always plays the victim. I already don’t talk to my uncle (her brother) and some cousins based on this behavior and now I’m not sure when I will see them again. And don’t even get me started on the multiple times they make excuses for her dog that has attacked my dad and tries to attack my family and me multiple times. They make excuses for that dumb dog and my mom has been told by many that she is reaffirming his aggressive behavior by the actions she takes, yet she doesn’t listen and keeps on. She said when she was living with me and I asked her to do something, “Oh look at my daughter telling me what to do.” She was living in MY freaking house! The disrespect and hypocrisy anger me. What she complained about her mother and brother is exactly what she does. They are all manipulators.

[@Moundfreek]

The aversion to attention was eye opening. I grew up with an emotionally immature father. Last weekend I got married and my BIGGEST anxiety was being the center of attention. The wedding was small (28 people including us) but I was dreading being the bride--aka the most sought after person, even if the attention was mostly positive. Hell, I didn't have registry, in part because I'm uncomfortable with gifts. It turned out fine (other than my dad's typical tantrums), but I appreciate the validation. Now to talk to my therapist :)

[@moaconstrictor]

So fun being forced to be a caregiver to one of your emotionally immature parents while the other one can only say “sorry sweetie, I divorced myself from that!” and refuses to protect you from abuse

[@Rosierose902]

Talk about alignment!! I was literally reading this book in the morning. I can’t lie it’s tough to finish.