DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT: HEALING YOUR CHRONIC ANXIETY AND AVOIDANCE

This video describes the common and chronic swinging from Anxious to Avoidant attachment that occurs within Disorganized/Fearful Attachment styles and steps you can take to work on your Disorganized Attachment dynamics.
Intro research quote from Brown/Elliot's "Attachment Disturbances in Adults"
******FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:
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ATTACHMENT COACHING PROGRAM:
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Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):
1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)
****CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!******
xo
***Please note! I am so sorry but my practice is full at this time and I cannot accept new patients. If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please email me at [e-mail] and I will email you only when a spot becomes available. I cannot guarantee a spot will open, however, so please know I care very much, but am limited at this time given my case load.
* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.
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[@hollyl4425]

One of the most helpful things I did, once I reaized I never felt heard at the dinner table as a child, was to ask God to hold little girl me and agree with me that life isn't fair. The Lord then spoke to me very gently and said, "I can't change that, but I will be with you through it all and I promise to work it for your good."

[@dieresis9]

Deciding to make time for myself each day was a turning point for me. I developed a friendship with our associate pastor, a quiet, nerdy person like me. He invited me to attend a meditation workshop. After attending, I decided to carve out 10 minutes each day to meditate. About 6 months into the practice, a memory returned to me of myself trembling in my bed while my parents argued in the kitchen. I also had a series of dreams where I was being chased by a dark, faceless figure and I would wake up feeling terrified. In one dream, I resolved to face the figure, and when I did the night turned to day and i found myself looking into my own face as a child. The face had a big smile. I then awoke feeling peaceful. The scary dream never returned. As I thought back over my childhood, I found myself seeing that child’s face and retelling the stories of my past to him, which was a deeply healing process. My mis-wiring still causes issues at times, e.g. making me way too tolerant of inconsistent behavior in others, but in general I find myself enjoying each day no matter what life brings. Unknowingly, I probably was doing what people now call inner-child work, and if so, I highly recommend it.

[@somethingirrelevant607]

how do you meditate?

[@DrKimSage]

@@somethingirrelevant607 Go to a free app called insight timer and search something like "guided mediations for: ie sleep, anxiety, stress, healing inner child, et". - basically it's a visualization- start small with 5 to 10 mins and you can work your way up. I also have one on my channel called "the idealized parent" and in my free course - i have an mp3 of my favorite one called "safe place". safe place (search many too here online) is a great one for learning to self soothe and calm your body.❤

[@cup_o_TMarie]

This is beautiful & I feel you far more than you know🙏🥰 Congratulations warrior on coming home to yourself 🥰💪👏💫

[@dieresis9]

I use centering prayer. If a thought or emotion arises, you imagine it on a river floating by and you simply let it go.​@@somethingirrelevant607

[@kaystephens2672]

Wow. I had a reoccuring nightmare too. I pulled myself up into the bottom of a table and could see a man trying to find me. I could see his boots and I knew that if I saw his face id just die of fright. I never did see his face. It was like a fear of the unknown. I had it for a long period of time. Weeks of it. I'm not sure what it meant and I'm not sure if I even do.

[@IanuaDiaboli]

The accuracy of the childhood description gave me chills. I thought I was anxious, but realized that I feel safer when alone.

[@user-ti7di6he2l]

I thought i didnt like people cause they seem emotionally stupid. I discovered this wonderful therapists today at 46 yrs old. More than half life without knowledge of what the hell was wrong and why i was different. At ten i was considered the cold unfeeling one.

[@Laura-et2xj]

“Kids will always choose attachment.” The amount of anger and shame I’ve felt because in my childhood and adolescence I kept (over and over, and over again) trying to resolve conflicts with my mom, opening up to her only to be shut down and further shamed/blamed? Those feelings have often felt so immense and insurmountable. But the idea that kids will always choose attachment cuts through a large amount of the shame and anger. Thank you!

[@dougcoleman8972]

Same here, thanks for sharing

[@bethanyniedjalski748]

I’ve been feeling this a lot lately. Huge amounts of anger, sadness and rage at times towards my mother

[@wolvie_b]

It really is so hard not to feel responsible for everyone else's feelings and state of mind with this attachment style. When you can't make someone happy you feel like a failure and it can trigger your shame too. Seems like this is a big way this happens for me

[@angieh612]

Omg this really resonated with me. I could never make my mom happy growing up, and I see now that I did and do still feel like a failure because of this💡

[@wolvie_b]

@@angieh612 Yes! Both my mom and sister (and lots of other people) will vent to me, and even though I know in my head that they're not asking me to solve anything, I can't help but think "If I don't help make this right for them, they're going to be like "wtf, thanks for nothing."

[@ton4encento]

The part where you say 'it's ok, you're loved, you're lovable, you're not perfect and love you anyway' just made me cry. i need to say that more often to me

[@sarahphillips8884]

Omg i used to maladaptive daydream for hours as a child, but i have to say it saved me. It was too scarry to be there fully

[@elysegambino1597]

I sat with a cold pack on my swollen eyes from sobbing last night, feeling so unloved and burdensome and unwanted by my parents. I love your gentle and authentic delivery. Your wisdom and kindness awaken my inner parent. I’m here for myself, imperfections and all. I am worthy. Thank you! (And coco of course!)

[@shea5542]

I love you as much as I can for not knowing a stranger. Please know I think you are a valuable soul❤

[@olee457]

My friend, we feel you. I wish you peace and to know that your worth is immutable ❤

[@vasijadehonor_thebutterflypath]

Being a parent Is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I want to offer compassion to my parents despite my story because It probably wasnt easy for them either.

[@LesleySASMR]

When you said that you always went to your room and Was always alone… I had to rewind because I thought you were speaking right to me. My parents STILL complain to me that I always go hide in my room. It feels safer.

[@ThisMelMel]

It’s like you were explaining my life. PTSD with disorganized attachment and narcissist parents, trying to heal generational trauma without my mother to help me make sense of it all. It’s hard but I think I am now good enough. I pray that’s enough.

[@LesleySASMR]

I feel your pain. ❤️‍🩹 I pray you get through your healing with strength.

[@universo257]

How are you doing now? I resonate a lot with where you are at and have struggled so much with self-loathing because of this. But you are right, we still deserve love ❤

[@fossilresin2816]

Wow, as a usually too self-aware disorganized attachment girl who has spent a decade+ over-intellectualizing her childhood and endlessly researching towards self improvement, I have NEVER heard it put this way so thoroughly, honestly, compassionately, and in such a solution-minded way. I feel so seen and humanized instead of only described as broken beyond repair 💗 A huge thank you for your expertise and vulnerability!!

[@lacydear1092]

I am 36 years old and I’ve always wondered what was wrong with me. I have never understood why I react the way I do to people and situations. I couldn’t explain myself to me, let alone to others. I’ve unintentionally self-sabotaged so many friendships and relationships…I never felt calm and I felt like my life was an emotional roller coaster. After watching your videos I feel like I finally understand myself and I feel at peace with myself. I know healing from disorganized attachment and having a BPD mother will be a very long journey, but I can’t tell you how much your videos have helped me. Thank you so much, please don’t stop posting your content.

[@vonniemichelle3670]

Thank you. I’m 53 years old and only now discovering what’s wrong with me. ❤

[@danettelawrence6825]

On one hand this makes me cry for all of us, and our children, if we have them. On the other hand, we made it this far, and that deserves a round of applause! My mother was an undiagnosed mess. She died over 2 years ago after me going no contact for about seven years. It was hard to break free, but I just couldn't and wouldn't deal with her disproportionate anger, and general lack of interest in me anymore. Before she died, I sat bedside for a few weeks and asked forgiveness if I was a bad daughter in any way. I also extended deep forgiveness to her. It was a part of my perpetual healing path. Interestingly, about six months after her passing, I felt a freedom I had never previously known. I have taken the mantras: I am safe and I am worthy, I can handle whatever comes and it will be ok. Presence and grace. Work in progress here. Dr. Kim, I appreciate you! Thank you! Thank you!

[@kingdomkid7225]

I realize why I was primed to pick the qualities in my husband. I couldn’t figure out how we got together and now I see I chose him.

[@MayanPrincess3]

Thank you for making this video. I have just now realized I have disorganized attachment. My mother was a very violent, unpredictable borderline mom with her own childhood trauma that my sisters and I had to always be understanding about. She was “loving” and would snuggle me but it was always too harsh snuggles, or smothering me with tight hugs after a long time of not being available. She was always working, angry or sleeping from working. I wasn’t allowed to be a child. If I was laying on the couch I would be yelled at to get up and clean something. I to this day don’t sit down or take a break for myself with my kids bc I feel like I’m being “lazy” even if I haven’t sat down all day besides to breastfeed the baby or to feed my 3 year old. Then I get so tired that I feel like I’m going to blow up and I cry--crying makes me angry--the anger makes me feel incapable and the snowball effect goes wild. I’m having such a rough time regulating my emotions bc I’m the main parent for 12-14 hours a day every day, 7 days a week. I think I need to start working out again bc it is the only thing that helps me

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

@motheroftrinity look into somatic practices to calm your anxiety. They are helpful and easy to do.

[@MayanPrincess3]

@@hshfyugaewfjkKS thank you for this 🙏

[@71suns]

🫂🌹🫂

[@adelinebolda]

everything you just said in this message resonated with me so much. i never was able to identify why i’m such a workaholic and bury myself in busy work when i could be relaxing, and then you mentioned the fact that our mothers never let us just relax as kids. this is something i struggle with so much, only being 21 with no kids and no relationship i put so much pressure on myself to have it all figured out and be as busy as possible all the time. i just don’t even know where to start to fix this, but just feels good knowing i’m not alone in this feeling. working out is the only thing that silences all the thought and anxiety, i highly recommend incorporating that back into your schedule not only for the mental aspect but all around benefits. wishing you the best in your healing journey 🫶🏻

[@LovesAlchemist]

You are doing the best you can, and you've already won with being aware. Taking time for self is key! They are lucky to have you as a mom

[@NancyRuthDeenBreakupCoach]

The way you described how the narcissistic partner feels "safer" when you grew up in enmeshed/chaotic homes made my jaw drop.

[@iliaderojorosso408]

Omg same. I felt described to the bone. 🤯

[@MissModernprincess]

I always feels safe with narc men :(

[@heureuse8568]

Maybe it's more related to some kind of connection or having things in common? A feeling of understanding each other (considering the underlying causes of narcissism). Which maybe makes the narcissist feel more hope and less alone.

[@PJAndersson733]

As soon as the video started playing I started crying. It hurts me so much to think of a child in pain or sad, not feeling loved.

[@poshperfect1393]

This is unreal. I’ve finally found someone who understands me and what I’ve been through. It’s no wonder I’m unhappy in my life and in my relationships. I wish I had found your content sooner! I have spent years and thousands on therapy. “Attachment styles” were never discussed with any of the “trained professionals”. I wish that I could afford to hire you now! Thank you for making this content accessible and free on KZbin. I will continue to follow you as I know that you will help me greatly. I’m hopeful that you will post more about your own story if you’re willing. I’m curious to know how things went with your divorce and if you have any advice on limiting the trauma we can pass onto our children.

[@olee457]

My parents were pretty “good.” It’s a little disorienting to have disorganized style and not know exactly how or when it was generated. (My sense is something occurred in my preverbal stage). But hearing you speak is so validating, and I am committed to healing because I know I deserve to heal ❤ wishing the best to all of you who are here and feel these challenges- it’s tough!

[@LindyWYID]

Oh how I wish I’d found this when I was 20 instead of 63 but still glad I found you. Explains so much!

[@user-onyoutube868]

10:40-11:05 is the greatest explanation I've ever heard about what is going on and how to start working on it.

[@cooporlando]

wish i knew this decades ago

[@cory99998]

I seriously committed to meditation, about 20-30 minutes a day for the last year and it significantly helped me make progress here. I am more comfortable in my own head in relation to others now and don't feel as much of a need to categorize like you said. I feel like I have my own space and it's invite only lol. This was also my precursor to finally setting boundaries because now that I've found a taste of this, I'm not going to give it up. I come first, not my parents.

[@Ikr2025]

I have been hyperfocusing on attachment theory videos for days now since yet another traumatic friendship episode. I thought maybe I was anxious but I’m fairly certain I’m disorganised/FA now. It fits in with my adhd and previous bpd tendencies. I really want to heal as I’ve been in a chronically stressed state my entire life and I’m so tired of the constant ups & downs and don’t think my health can take much more now I’m in my 50s. I don’t achieve much in life and am always in reactive mode because I can’t focus with the constant fight flight activation. I’m a sahm and since covid my husband is at home much more which means I don’t get a chance to get out of hyper vigilance mode in order to reset my nervous system. He is a dismissive avoidant and has a similar energy to my parents and brother and I always feel activated around him, always gauging what mood he’s in, where he is, etc. I wish I could relax around my own husband but I think because there are so few verbal cues from him I’m constantly trying to read him. My father was highly npd and DA and chronically angry and my mother was probably also DA and chronically stressed. Both were always busy and so I always felt in the way, a burden, an add on, insignificant, inconvenient etc etc. My brother is also DA and highly narcissistic. My father died several years ago but my mother lives nearby and I realise she often activates me as she will often unload and share her concerns with me - but then have very little interest in reciprocating & hearing about mine. So she’ll send a text updating me on her worries and then finish by saying she was going to be in the garden (hence don’t expect and conversation or feedback back if I try to answer). Or she’ll phone knowing she has 10 minutes before she has to (collect her dog etc) so will have just enough time to tell me her issue and then have to go before I can say how I am. It makes me feel angry and like I did as a child. Like feeling constantly hungry and dissatisfied but being shamed for feeling uphappy about what crumbs of attention you were getting. I do have addictive behaviours to try to numb out because the constant stress activation (which is activated by almost every thing and every one except my children and pets I think) is actually physically painful. I hope to recover. My dream goal and bucket list is not to travel the world - it never was and those exploratory desires certainly were affected in me - but to feel calm most of the time.

[@stevenseltzer986]

Kim, Everytime I “tune-in” to you I feel as if we are together…in the same room….face to face. You truly UNDERSTAND the world I live in…….”my world”….MY SELF. The person I am inside. It’s hard being me!!!!! And you get it. I can’t thank you enough for taking the initiative to study and share your knowledge with all of your followers.

[@KC-ep3ov]

I really appreciate your honesty about your own struggles. It keeps it real and relatable. :)

[@andreavega9837]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this. I knew I had a chaotic and lonely childhood because my father was extremely explosive, angry, controlling and an alcoholic, but hearing you give those examples made me remember episodes from my childhood I had completely blocked. I had a big emotional release that brought me peace and understanding. Thank you

[@time2bherenow]

Thank you so much for this video. I have passed so much trauma in to my precious children that I cannot find peace. My two surviving children are grown & have families, are lovely & decent people who numb their trauma with alcohol. I have reached out to them to tell them so many times how much I regret not being able to be there for them because i had to work & I had the same problem as a child & that it’s ok to confront me about their feelings but they haven’t admitted the extent of the trauma to themselves yet. I don’t want to die without them having the chance to get it all out & hopefully change the pattern of being unavailable to their families as well. I understand their hesitation as I spent sixty some years defending my own parents’ unavailability. I’m hoping there will be a way to let them know it’s safe to face the facts & start to heal our generational trauma. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you again.

[@dk227]

I suggest you forgive yourself first. Inside of you is also a child who was hurting and didn't know better. I think if they decide right now not to hear you out you can always send a letter or write one. One day, it will be read. Write down all of your feelings in those letters. I hope you spend the rest of your life in peace, you deserve it. Despite how you may feel about yourself on the inside, you are a good person and deserve so much love and forgiveness. I wish you and your family the best.

[@sororvv]

Coco is such a cutie. This is shedding so much light. Thank you.

[@palomalopez8179]

First time my therapyst told me that I was the one that have to give myself incondicional love I told her that I wasn't able to do so. It took me year, I am 59 now, but I have menaged to do it, I still struggle with hypervigilance and always will but now I am happy with myself, I know who I am and love and care myself. It really feels great

[@carieyoung1111]

I have so much guilt because I feel I passed alot of this on to my son not knowing or understanding how I was myself!

[@randomcrap4230]

This is one I will definitely come back to a few times. I feel like I am getting sooooo much better at making time for myself and setting boundaries with others and not isolating the way I used to always resort to and staying in tune with my own needs than I used to, but I also recognize a lot of times when I fall back into old patterns and habits without realizing it until I'm already in the muck too. (Bonus Coco and her gorgeous baby blues are always appreciated too!)

[@DrKimSage]

Love that you are making strides! Keep going!! and ty for the kind Coco comment!❤

[@lindadunn8787]

Listening in 5 minute increments to this video is my self-collaborative agreement. Little by little. Having become convinced attachment work is needed, I sure do feel grateful for the 5 years of DBT I have to support my honoring the internal boundaries or limits that tell me to rest and trust the material will still be here later when I feel safe or powerfully vulnerable. Thank you for providing this opportunity.

[@empressd7]

Is it normal now as an adult to be resentful for the way I was raised and realizing a lot of my mental and relationship issues stem from that? I've been trying to heal myself knowing now what my issues are but it's a long up hill battle that at times becomes very frustrating and overwhelming.

[@danielle4077]

I love this so much. My mother was an alcoholic parent in my grade school years, those were some of the worst years. Having to be a full time caregiver for her. I think I have a disorganized attachment and I’m learning this at 40 years old

[@MaximumWayne]

Thank you for your always insightful videos. This one couldn't have come at a better time. As I've entered my 30s, over the past 3 years, I've come to realize how much one of my parents borderline tendencies - caused by their own traumas growing up - have impaired my life growing up. I left home when I was 17 and have struggled on my own for many years - especially socially - because of the effects my childhood have had on me. Many of these problems you've addressed in your videos. It's been not only helpful, but vindicating to find your content. They really resonate with me. Thank you for doing this. I just want to let you know that the stuff you create here really matter and is very helpful to people like me.

[@voitmusic]

This video was very informative and helpful. Growing up in an emotionally abusive and neglectful home, I personally connect with a much of what you spoke about. Thank you.

[@DrKimSage]

So glad you found it helpful and sending love and healing today❤

[@lajoiedevivre-oakblog]

Just discovered I have this attachment style… it has been mind blowing and has triggered many feelings… thanks for this content…

[@mistywaynick6456]

Thank you so much for this channel. I'm turning 40 this year, and although I've had lots of therapy, I have learned I am still dealing with lots of abuse from my mother. Your channel has helped me realize and name this abuse. Thank you

[@sickgirlcar]

You’ve done more for me in a few mos or watching your channel than a year and a half in therapy did. Thank you 🥹❤️

[@leoniphelan5278]

Thank you Dr Sage. You have presented the material in such a clear way. I have taken heaps of notes after replaying the video a second time. You put so much heart into as well. Love to your beautiful fur babies!

[@DrKimSage]

Love back and thank you so much! So glad it feels helpful!❤

[@rascallyrabbit]

my ability to have fun, fun, fun did not exist. Fun was against the law in my family. As I move on and out of those systems, I am aware of others' fun meter. Many people are unable to just have fun, make mistakes and laugh at oneself.

[@debraspence3559]

Coco is beautiful 😍 Cats are such healers..

[@DrKimSage]

They really are! Ty for your kind Coco compliment!❣❣

[@soinsangeliques]

Oh my, I'm just in the first 10 min... I relate so much. I wish I would have understand this before my 40's. But better now than never.

[@JDforeveralone]

Up to 14:44. I am so overwhelmed can't find words to express. Feel like you are living with me and know what I'm doing. It would be nice to talk about this whole stuff to someone who truly understands..... P.s finished it. Loved the ending when you said the only one who truly will know you is you. Will try and build step by step compassion and love for myself, will try...

[@bbdn5123]

💗 Yeah sis. I'm starting emdr. I'm so afraid of people finding out who I am inside. Or perhaps it's just me being afraid of myself. I could never "be me". I think I'm rejecting myself very hard. It's a total chaos in which I sometimes can see beauty. I think I became my worst enemy. For years I'm trying different stuff, most of the time I even didn't know. So again for a few years trying to be more conscious, but more about me and my feelings. Putting myself first is so hard. Especially considering the circumstances. Questioning my own reasoning, since I don't trust myself. It's exhausting. Now I asked for help, I hope things will get better now. I can't believe my own life. I used to daydream too like she mentioned and things have taken so many horrific turns. Religion helps with why I am here and haven't gone away yet. It does feel like it soothes my soul. Because of trauma I tend to turn away, which makes me feel worse. It's really hard to feel like I'm dedicated to life when all inside me screams to go away. It's really hard to take care of myself now. So I'm trying to restart my self care, it's going painfully slow. Being loving, kind and compassionate trully does wonders to ones soul. If only I could be brave enough to "step outside" and accept kind treatment from others... Maybe almost there in a while now. May we receive guidance, acceptance and love, ameen. ☝🏽🌌💖💫

[@JDforeveralone]

@@bbdn5123 sending love! Hold on to the rope of our creator and seek help in patience and prayer! I pray that your therapy will be successful! Do your own research as well. Look up Childhood trauma and Inner Child work (Dani Foxx got a channel I found insightful, Pat Teahan). Also I find the talks of Jordan Peterson on life's hardships really food for thought, often really frank and down to the truth. I also started mindfulness and a 10 min meditation (focusing on breathing and bodily sensations). Know that you are not alone! When you wrote "I could never be me" it hit me. When I finally broke away from my family and was trying to be "me" all my actions and reactions led me more and more to the complete ruin. Faith was the only thing which saved me. Keeping you in my du3a! 💝 Ps . From what you wrote I understand that u live in a part of the world where different therapies are available. I hope that they will give you the proper diagnosis in order to get the right help! That's why it's important that you yourself do your research as well.

[@servingunconditionallove6128]

this was so amazing! 20 year clinician (LPC/MHSP, and PATP)...I have a disorganized attachment and am not BPD. I am 56 and dating a man who is possibly not a cluster B. This waffling is so difficult. Grace and growth indeed. A life long process for someone with CPTSD.

[@allwellandgood8547]

Oh my goodness, Coco..and the dogs popping up in the background, so cute and calming!❤️ I feel like every single thing you describe is just my own life. The giving ourselves grace is so huge and I am so grateful to finally be properly appreciating this. Today, after a stressful few months of a bereavement and difficult family dynamics as a result, I decided to book myself a massage. I have not allowed myself that in years, despite loving them and knowing the benefits. I returned home a lighter, happier and more hopeful version of me which will benefit my kids too. I haved vowed to do it again soon and give myself the grace and acceptance to feel worthy of it ❤️ Thank you for another totally insightful and validating video. Have a lovely weekend Dr Sage 🙏

[@DrKimSage]

I love that you did that for yourself! So important and you are worthy of it!❤

[@allwellandgood8547]

@@DrKimSage ❤️❤️

[@svs987]

Thank you for posting this. Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. I have a disorganised attachment style so I know how difficult it is

[@betaren21]

I’m going to rewatch and write don the tips. What struck me was your saying it doesn’t work for a therapist to tell you to love yourself. 💯 I stopped going because it just wasn’t helping me, and was very expensive!

[@barbaramorrison8755]

tea party relationship lol...great content Kim Ty for sharing

[@tsuchiryu9566]

You just described my childhood, wow. Thank you for helping me realize I'm not alone and CAN heal. ❤

[@rowanstarling3816]

I've been enjoying your videos for a while. I just recently discovered that my attachment style is Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant. I have been going through some pretty tough struggles with my partner and wanted to understand myself better and this is how I found out. Since then, about a week ago, my partner asked for a 90-day break. I can't even tell you how triggered I am, vacillating between extreme sadness, loneliness, abandonment, rejection and all kinds of fears, to anger, disappointment and disgust (because he fell off the wagon right before his treatment starts.) I feel like my brain and heart are constantly being stretched in two different directions. Add to this that my new roommate of 5 months is triggering me as well for too many reasons to list. I am in counseling and just started CODA (codependents Anon). I do spend a lot of time in self-reflection as well. Part of me just wants to run away, but I am being strong and trying to push through the fears and pain. Plus, no drinking for a month now and getting my food addiction under control.

[@brookie_cuqui]

❤ I just found you when I made a strong boundary with my mom. Thank you

[@rightweaponry908]

I feel like i get really wrapped up in what other people feel/what i feel they expect from me. I feel like i'm just going along with what other people want because i guess i'm used to shouldering the unpleasant rather than having conflict. I been feeling guilty because in romantic relationships i feel like i am working backwards. The longer i am with someone and the "closer" we seem, is the less i like them or feel like they know me. I am realizing it's not that i am cold and unfeeling, but i avoid conflict and don't reinforce my boundaries clearly enough. i end up feeling totally steamrolled by the person and as they are feeling more attached to me, i am disengaging. I kept thinking i just flip a switch and stop liking someone, but it's that i'm ignoring my own feelings to please others until i can't anymore, and so to them it seems like its coming out of nowhere, but for me it's felt like a trap between starting a conflict by expressing how i really feel or being totally disingenuous in the attempts to not disappoint.

[@Suejd1001]

Beautiful.

[@happygucci5094]

The appearance of Coco made my entire day

[@simonekashani5394]

Thank you for this 🙏🏼💕

[@dvillafane6477]

That was awesome 😢thank you ❤

[@tiegatries]

Thank you for this!

[@countinstars7]

Hi Dr. Kim, I just found out I have a disorganised attachment style via an attachment style assessment and it all started making sense, I have been scared since I found out , immediately wanted to disassociate myself from everyone but then again realised what I was doing, but at the heart of it all is fear, came to KZbin and yours is the content that really has been helping me to cope with finding out this about myself. Thank you.

[@catherineerickson1331]

Love your cat!!❤

[@BITEMYLEFTBOOB]

I really appreciate your content. It is exactly what I need to hear now. And the bonus is that you're a clinician who walked the path you speak of.

[@perfectlycontented]

Thank you Dr. Sage ❤

[@chilloften]

Such a thorough plan of action. I sat here taking all these notes. Thank you-you bring me hope and a knowing, everything will be ok. 🌺🦋🌲

[@DrKimSage]

❤🙏

[@iloveTool]

I appreciate your videos so much, especially these ones on Disorganized attachment. So incredibly relatable everything you talk about here.

[@gla8460]

So true, thank you for your honest story 🫶🏾

[@germanarovinelli5893]

What do you do? If one parent is deceased and the other has dementia and it is an old folks home? I divorced my parents emotionally years ago and have really just started to understand this attachment style and why I have issues with many parts of my life. I am exhausted. My nervous system and my endocrine system is very depleted. I appreciate your videos. I have been working on myself for 31 years.

[@JeanMarcCapaul]

sounds in many ways familiar

[@germanarovinelli5973]

@@JeanMarcCapaul ( awareness helps, clearing out the patterns and pain is a daily practice) I’ve had enough therapy to turn a donkey into a unicorn 🦄 Still doing my part

[@tanyamarie5321]

Thank you ❤️

[@kimberlygabaldon3260]

Thank you!

[@ninakamenic3679]

I feel like you are retelling my childhood.

[@carolynwright3026]

Kim you are such a wonderful person!! You can bring so much to the table from personal experience’s!! You have overcome so many obstacles to get where you are today:) thank you for the videos you put out! My God bless you always ❤

[@louiseyoung1231]

Awww. Your cat is beautiful

[@Fulltimedragon]

You are doing Gods work Kim, thank you

[@user-uh5tb9er4o]

thank u so much!

[@ShortGirlsClimbCounters]

You described me with the intro of your video!! So excited to listen to the rest of it.

[@AmandabellaDay]

Diagnosed borderline, ptsd, anxiety, depression… (all symptoms.. not disorders in of themselves technically but this is the western world of medicine for you right) BUT yes I have the BPD/ bipolar/ ADHD labels. Seeking autism diagnosis. It’s obvious. I isolate so bad rn because people are absolute triggers. Sounds throw me into panic it takes me HOURS & a NAP (after calming anxiety meds of course) so I can “reset”. It’s a crap existence. Living in fear of being “set-off”. All we can do is learn about our condition, set your ourselves up for success & comfort while we learn to be in the world. Continue working on yourself. But know, you cannot “think your way out of neurodivergence”. Cut yourself some slack. Forgive & keep trying. Ear plugs, brown or orange noise in ear buds/ over ear headphones. Fidgets, stress balls, comfort objects. Anything, everything that helps you exist with a bit more ease. Psychology, art nerd fo SHO! I also read tarot

[@MellowBellow1]

The superb sleeping pup in the background, when she snuggles in and looks up, the dark eyes and nose against her white face!!! Howww utterly gorgeous. Sorry Dr Kim, I was listening while watching your pup snoozing so peacefully. ♥️🐾🐾♥️♥️🐾🐾

[@DrKimSage]

lol they are so over my psychology rants :). thank you for the kind words - i love my animal posse so much!❤

[@MellowBellow1]

@@DrKimSage I love my posse too. They are very important people. ♥️♥️♥️♥️

[@spongebobmario7]

Thank you so much 😊 This helped me so much

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I think I have Disorganized Attachment.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I think I have chronic avoidance.

[@monaami555]

Wow, thank you

[@perfectlycontented]

Thank you for sharing personally

[@agataevening]

I loved the content and the cat

[@Mindywright27]

I appreciate you so much. Thank you for these videos. ❤

[@auraliax1323]

Thank you so much these helped a lot❤

[@rachelhartwig1]

The way you described your video is exactly me. I have heard about the other stylea but never this. None of the others fit me and it was so frustrating. Now i feel validated.

[@Soul.Stylist.Solutions333]

Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤

[@happygucci5094]

This is my life. I live in confusion or dissociation. You nailed my life. That and your trauma masking video- God this feels so hopeless. You absolutely nailed this.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

Your cat Cocoa is absolutely adorable Dr. Sage.

[@vanessapetrea2490]

Thank you so very much for this video! I’ve always felt constantly on alert, and friends haven’t ever understood. I haven’t fully understood myself. I just know I needed to be constantly aware of dangers, or possible dangers. I so appreciate finding you just recently (maybe a week or so ago). My healing journey continues🙏🏽💜🙏🏽🙌🏽

[@safali5192]

Thank you so much for this. It's so helpful.❤

[@JWartsy]

Where do I start? There’s so much information and things to unpack here. Wow. I am a new subscriber. I believe I have this attachment style.

[@JWartsy]

I wish I could find a therapist like you…this is really eye opening for me

[@zenafied]

Heidi Priebe does videos on this and she is the most knowledgeable from what I’ve seen. She calls it an extremely disorienting experience

[@soytj8475]

Wow! I love your cat! And the content too! Thank you for sharing.

[@nofrillstarot9372]

This video made me feel so understood and brought me to tears. Thank you.

[@gritttyLU]

Just started my search for these type of videos, and can honestly say that this one helped me the most. To at least have more clarity in the matter. Thank you.

[@soulofawarrior3055]

You communicated this material very well. I appreciate your channel, thank you 🙏🏽

[@jsnedd66]

You are an amazing person Dr Kim. I am listening and learning so much about myself,and others.

[@geralldus]

Thank you, this seems really interesting and potentially helpful but is also just horribly complex and confusing. It seems to me that with secure attachment comes emotional confirmation allowing the child to build an understanding of their own feelings and that they are separate from those of the carer. If that process is absent in the carer then the feelings remain strange and frightening which ensures an enduring dependency upon the 'other' for comfort and an endless search for attachment. This produces a paradox where closeness and comfort are needed but also feared and retreated from in terror of loosing the very idea of being separate. An understanding of this doesn't seem to in any way alleviate the problem.

[@JoseRRodriguez]

22:28 I love that moment. I'm starting to get moments like that.

[@sk8razer]

Bye Coco! Have a lovely nap!!