HEALING ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT: MY NEEDS DON'T MATTER! | DR. KIM SAGE

This video describes Anxious Attachment and how we often engage in an "outside in orientation" where we over focus on the needs of others, in an attempt to manage fears of abandonment, anxiety, fear, etc - at the expense of our own needs.
******FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:
www.drkimsage.com
THE ATTACHMENT COACHING PROGRAM: PERSONALIZED ATTACHMENT MANUAL
www.drsagehelp.com
**************************
Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):
1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)
CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!
xo
***Please note! I am so sorry but my practice is full at this time and I cannot accept new patients. If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please email me at [e-mail] and I will email you only when a spot becomes available. I cannot guarantee a spot will open, however, so please know I care very much, but am limited at this time given my case load.
* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.
*****Please visit my website www.drkimsage.com to obtain info on fees, treatment, resources, etc!

[@Sarasarah3]

I thought I was alone until I came upon your videos. My hypersensitivity drives me nuts, I am learning to just shift my focus when I can

[@angelcolburn8130]

These anxious attachment videos are so helpful! Please keep making them. It helps us who may not have the financial means to afford a therapist just yet. But with these videos I’m able to do some of the ground work before getting a therapist. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

[@vyonnarobinson2329]

Agree !

[@LoveHarryStyles89]

I feel so much better watching these videos. It's very crazy how much I suffered and made myself suffer even more when no one in the world even really cared about my needs.

[@teraedwards7835]

"What did you most long for in childhood?" To be treated as a subject versus an object. Yep. I think I need therapy.

[@TheDualismOfKoala]

you are SO strong. you have a career, you raise children and yet you find the space to notice how you want to deepen your relationship with yourself. who does all that at once ? I admire you and your vulnerability and what you give to the world through this channel. what a quality person

[@carmenhartman1219]

My needs never matterd. It was wat ever one else wanted....every thing was my fault...

[@viviennewang7196]

5:45

[@amalabdulaziz7775]

I’m so happy that I finally get to know what going on with me , for years I was blaming myself for lack of control regarding my attachment and feelings, knowledge is half of the solution

[@anothercat9600]

If the partner doesn't hear about our needs, they will not have a chance to know us. Thank you Kim Sage!

[@deborahl9216]

you are such a thoughtful doctor with such a soothing voice. I appreciate you educating those that struggle and are working towards healing! God Bless you Dr. Sage!

[@luckymrsmurray5219]

I wish I could start to like myself.

[@caitlinlynch3656]

19:20 toxic behavior I agree with that fully. Sometimes we can hurt ourselves thinking we can fix everything

[@waiateruati]

Thanks Kim👍🏾I have been so busy caring for others and being the father I never had. I have ignored myself and always put my needs after those around me. I need to stop this pattern and care for my self and value myself more ❤

[@caitlinlynch3656]

I only know this is me fully by how much this affects me when I hear this.

[@BooKitty9274]

Thanks Dr. Sage. I needed this today. I'm tired of being an over thinker and I do everything you mentioned in your video and I'm tired of ruining my relationships.

[@DrKimSage]

I get it!! Sending ❤

[@riflecountry]

I do the same. Overthinking EVERYTHING.

[@Viberiderz]

@@riflecountry😢 same

[@reddwarf3046]

7:13 wow, brilliant observation, when someone is mad at what you say or text that it’s fear and it’s fear that it’s something bad for them

[@anthonycrossley2426]

Dr. Sage should do a piece about Schizoid and this Anxiety attachment business..I'm very Dissociative as well due to Trauma

[@xbigerngamingx8549]

I suffer from this currently 😔. Breathing techniques and meditation helps me

[@caitlinlynch3656]

11:39-12:24 😢 resonates so true

[@fortminorproject]

Trying to a toxic family is hard I feel nobody fully understands or listens to me . I love your videos.

[@hayleyrenae]

Your videos are so helpful and omg those puppies in the background just boosted my dopamine. LOL

[@amandaabreu-counsell5689]

This video is so helpful and healing. Thank you so much. I am also a single mother with four children, I suffer from anxious attachment and was a single child. In my training as a counselling therapist, I have learnt so much about maladaptive attachment styles and how this can have a profound effect upon our lives. But through invaluable knowledge and insight we are able to grow from our pain and become our best selves. Thank you again. ❤

[@darioscomicschule1111]

Thank you so much! This Video is Golden!

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

Wow, I like your attitude! Have a great 2023!

[@joyiloveparislol]

Thank you so much for making these

[@gregoryritchie7852]

Right on target - shining spotlight, bringing awareness to what toxicity has been lurking in the shadows for so many years! Appreciate you!

[@jlindb2119]

Yes, agree on alot. I too mom of 4 and finally learning to take more care of myself. I am breaking it down steps...getting up and going to bed at a normal regular schedule, exercise 4 times a week, trying to make friends and let go of past hurtful relationships ( that's the most difficult),finishing my Master's. Another thing is I make sure my kids do their chores, sounds simple but it really helps. And lastly trying not to self medicate with alcohol.

[@juliemorrison1224]

Thank you for this. ❤

[@user-ll4it8vs3c]

Thank you so much for this video.

[@cristinamarandici32]

The example of that dad sighing and asking where the mom is sent a physical panic response through my body, I thought I was removed from that since I’ve been no contact with my dad for 2 years. That’s wild

[@tamisrani3402]

Thank you 🤍 You are wonderful!

[@youtubinxx]

Thank you so much Dr Kim!!! amazing video!!!

[@catherineerickson1331]

Thank you so much!!! I value your wisdom!!

[@tumomoleofi4123]

This was so helpful

[@Berkeleykid94703]

Thank you 🙏🏾

[@alutacontinua2486]

Thank you very much Dr.

[@anniep855]

Thank you💜

[@dianahdz23]

I needed this video so much! Thank you very much!! 🙏🏻🌹

[@user-uh5tb9er4o]

thank you, looking forward to the new idea for a series!

[@RitaJoubert-xt6rr]

Brilliant message. THANK YOU for imparting all this amazing material

[@denvercoloradorealtor491]

Amazing & vulnerable video. It resonates. Thank you! ❤

[@GetWellWithJoelle]

Wow Dr. Sage talk about reflection . I’m a holistic wellness coach and this video was a reflection of my life. I am a sahm of 4 as well .we are on a similar trajectory with our own wellness journey Thank you for sharing! I took away soooo much from this and felt good hearing someone of your stature to state similar sentiments.

[@selmadawani3933]

Thank you - this was so helpful

[@tajo9963]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU

[@arnie8799]

Ok I’ve watched two of your videos parallel lives similar experiences I’m sending you a 30 second hug

[@gabriellaadam2230]

Thank you ♥️

[@Rainniefonny]

Thank you for sharing ❤

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

Outside in orientation = externally focused locus of control

[@deea7843]

Life-changing. Wrote this down. Thank you so much.

[@4realkarma]

I feel called out. lol thank you so much for your video. I feel like I have a place to start now.

[@muhammadhasnaintahirtahir1768]

Thank you for this video and i wish you best from the bottom of my heart on your 2023 resolutions😊

[@devilcat7991]

I just discovered your channel and I love it! You explain so well, so calm, so lovely...not judging. We all grey up with the feeling of being wrong, not right and so on and here I feel just fine. I do not need to reinvent the world, but focusing on myself, taking care of myself and not lashing out at others...wow, that is quite something already. Much love to all of us who do the actual work.

[@TheLadydevere]

I appreciate so deeply you sharing your own journey. I also love the tone of your voice it is very soothing.

[@latonyawhite5359]

New subbie here! I was watching another relationship coach and he mentioned attachment anxiety so i came to yt to see what i can find on the subject bc we know yt has everything right lol...but i came upon your other video explaining what attachment anxiety is and yes i identify with several traits. So thank you for putting this out there and also for letting us see in this video that you are human and still a work in progress. Thank you 20:24

[@Fieras123]

thank you so much

[@jheard78880]

Thank you for helping me understand these different attachments and how to heal not just for myself but for my kids and spouse!

[@jdaliwan0018]

Great video, I learned so much about myself. Thank you so much!! Also, your puppies in the background are soooo cute!! ❤

[@KelseyBeloved]

You are changing my life with these videos... thank you thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. I'm hoping so badly to heal one day

[@KelseyBeloved]

Also, sharing your own wants/desires/experience at the end- incredible... most videos like these don't include the personal like that, but god how necessary! It's crazy healing to hear you talk about your own journey!!!

[@stacy2816]

This was SO helpful. Thank you for making this video. You are so clear in explaining the triggers and providing tools to work on overcoming this attachment style.

[@jamesrubio5357]

I’ve been watching your videos and they’ve been very helpful. Thank you

[@YOU-niter]

6:35 time on video You hit the nail on the head for me! I don’t know HOW to do me😢 I can/have & do everyOne else great.. but me I don’t 😫 And I’m getting so frustrated now because I’m suffering because I don’t know HOW

[@laurenbrogan5440]

Thank you for sharing the positives of anxious attachment! It is a quality that helps me in helping profession🙏🏼♥️

[@yelondajohnson567]

Thankyou so much u basically told my life story, God Blessu ❤

[@MarkJones-cj9wk]

Thank you very much 👏👏for shsring your professional and personal story , really helped me 🙏

[@allwellandgood8547]

Yes to all of this! Excited for your new series Dr Sage. Recently my mental health started to go back downhill and I realised I had stopped meditating, connecting with friends and journaling. Within days of commiting to make the time to do so and repeatedly listening to empath meditation I felt so much better. It has really shown me the importance of maintaining and prioritising what we need and deserve alongside everyone elses needs, especially when that doesn't come naturally or comfortably ❤️

[@DrKimSage]

yes! so true, we often stop doing the most helpful things first! love that you are getting back on track♥

[@jamyllemendes8588]

This was also my situation. Priority now is myself

[@RadiateLoveNMagic11]

Thank you so much Kim, grateful to you in helping us understand our childhood wounds. I have recently discovered attachment styles & this is making so much sense to me now. I didn’t even know this wound of mine existed. Now that I’m aware I can help myself work through it - patience is definitely going to be required as I can be so hard on myself. Much love to you 💛💛💛

[@anonymousz2065]

Thank you ❤ so much for this. God Bless you ❤❤

[@pasmetha]

I really really appreciate your videos. I used to watch Thais Gibson, but I never felt like I was learning something about myself in the videos, I'd actually feel shame about my anxious attachment. But with this video and the self abandonment one, it really made me introspect on my behaviours. I've replayed this video three times now, and each time I learn and notice certain behaviours I have, or it triggers memories from the past that have shaped my anxious beliefs. You are doing phenomenal work, each video makes me feel like I could reflect on countless things. Please continue, you are saving lives out here

[@hspcd]

Thank you for the information you share. This is very helpful to me. Keep it up!

[@AgentRicePooh]

Dr. Sage, you're an angel for sharing this knowledge!! I've been doing some deep diving lately and found your channel, very glad and excited to learn more. I started my healing journey when I was 16 and was diagnosed with BPD; I no longer fully identify with borderline (at least with the DSM), but there are still some unconscious/subconscious behaviors that need to change if I want to live the best life I can live. Thank you for helping me on this journey!!

[@blueskygal255]

Thank you Dr Kim for identifying the reasons why my relationships fail. i tend to attract narcs and avoidant types. so what i'm doing, thanks to you, is getting back into my own life. i've also used some affirmations to deal with the anxiety which help. and to STOP the daydreaming which wastes so much valuable time, as you have pointed out. another thought: a great song for avoidant types is "i'm not in love."

[@blessed7927]

Before you said play - I said fun. 😊❤ Moving for sure and LOVE! Amen!!!

[@RJ_In_Da_Cut]

I’ve always wondered why I have this. My parents weren’t like emotionally abusive or anything

[@kimbers1238]

I feel so exhausted with therapy. It feels like so much work. But I'm going to keep going. I would love to take ur courses. Tbh for me, who has been going to therapy weekly for 3 years, if I knew I could be fixed at the end of it I would do it in a heartbeat

[@restlessmosaic]

I'd hate to see you struggling to find what you need while you've given me so much help with your videos and courses. I'm guessing all the recovering anxious attachers feel the same watching this. But regardless, I hope all the best things for you.

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you - I am good...I've just been working on sharing more vulnerable feelings too because I think it's important to show we are all always a work in progress❤

[@starswift8084]

This so helpful. Helps me understand so much and get a better/proper perspective on the inter-personal dynamics in my life. Realising that it's actually OK to be me is so liberating. 🙏 Thank you so much 🙏

[@victoriabernhard1036]

I have anxious attachment only with romantic relationships. I do take care of myself and well. I just get so mad at myself that I chose men who decieve me and are avoidant. I feel like such a fool and my heart ifeels broken 💔

[@davisgeiger]

Thank you Dr. Kim for posting this. I've been in and out of therapy for years to work on self improvement, with not much focus on relationships as I wasn't really engaged in looking in one. Now that I'm working on building a relationship with my partner, I've discovered that I really do have a bit of an anxious attachment style. I'm working on it now, and this video has been very helpful in establishing myself so that I can be a more secure person in the future in relationships and life in general. Thank you once again for your wisdom.

[@yukta27]

Hey Dr, i have seen your videos and they are really informative and helpful! I have an anxious attachment style ,I really want to work on it , is there any step by step playlist to how we can do it?? I don't know how to do it in a consistent manner to heal , is there a sequence for doing those(as you have shared several videos on it) . I don't have access to therapy , but i am willing to do things consistently on my own

[@yogi8010]

Could you please make a video on believing anything is solvable and the advantages and disadvantages of this way of thinking?

[@amandasarrazin2.2]

These are spot on. Having a borderline mother, I struggle with emotional eating and addicted to sugar. It would be nice to overcome that.

[@gemini8620]

Same

[@6400loser]

I feel so sad. A few days ago I had an argument with my husband, where I brought up how upset it made me that my morning routine consisted entirely of doing things for US (clean, cook, wash, etc) while his starts with doing things for himself (grooming, showering, etc). I don't even feel like I can brush my teeth before I do something for us.

[@jamyllemendes8588]

On my healing journey. I telided this is damages me a lot u went to learn how to fix it

[@rosiesullivan2604]

Thanks ever so much Dr Sage 😆❤💡 this was refreshing and informative Video as per usual, really appreciate all your hard work and how you graciously put it together for easy learning. Its always right on time and on point . Happy your going to do different ideas to help us out. Everything you brought out were so true. It still amazes me each session, hoping you rested over holidays and feeling great. Bravo !!! Well done 😆💡❤

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you Rosie! ❤

[@mightypolo2010]

Hi, you mentioned in this video, that you think that everything is solvable (it might not), but you mentioned that this helped you "to not go under". I would like to know more, because, apparently, its something I have too. Thanks.

[@caitlinlynch3656]

Oh so if their text is “GM” and they can’t talk on the phone, that’s the same as mornings when they say “good morning baby” and can’t talk on the phone. Because they are busy and have work or grown up responsibilities. So they are just busy. They don’t hate you. The relationship is not over. It’s not over and all the love is not gone. Such extremes and insecurities show up like this. Yes it’s so much pressure to interpret every text message like that.

[@Sheywh12]

This exactly the part of my life I’m realizing now thanks too you. Is my biggest issue this relates with me more than any other spectrum of the codependency I keep hearing so much about the last 6 years.. I fit this criteria more than any of the codependency traits. This is my life!! I never got to a child! Oldest I raised my brother and sister and Mom as a child. Now I’m definitely too much of a care taker even when I’m not asked to be. I’m trying to work on that one too.. I’m looking forward to learning about this part of my life for sure. How much is your course? Any information on the actual course would be great along with how it is done alone I’m guessing ? Thank you for caring for us who are lost and alone! You are a breath of fresh air to me on every video! I recently lost my Narcissistic Boarder Line Mom. Also lost my mentally abusive husband. It’s been a painful journey realizing for the first time. I have physically been alone not just on a mental aloneness like all my life. My Mom was constantly in and out of my life as well as I was with my sibling growing up from the age of a teenager Since Mom lost/gave them up too adoption after not seeing them for 5 years after leaving them with my grandparents. I use too blame myself for them being adopted out.. They were taken out of my life and was reunited later after they were grown married with children Which was so much more painful loosing them twice over as I guess I didn’t fit in their lives they blamed me too. They thought I was the golden child to Mom when really I was her responsible side is really what I was.. Thanks again!! Sincerely, Sheila

[@DrKimSage]

I am so sorry you've been through so much- sending ❤and support today🙏

[@Sheywh12]

@@DrKimSage Thank you so much I’m now 58 trying to make sense of all this and heal me all on my own. I literally don’t like being around a lot of people after 20 years of isolation it’s hard .. Do you have any videos on why we want to be alone all the time? Thanks again Sheila

[@indraprashad7737]

Do you provide counseling?

[@laurenbrogan5440]

Hi Dr. Kim Sage, could you share on how anxious attachment/abandonment can look similar or how it’s different from abandonment with BPD?

[@krokodilkroki3744]

Its big difference. BPD has no clear image of self and they avoid to look at self. Because they have shifting image of self and they need outside validation of their image. In abandonment they are afraid of losing the image of themselves that this person gives them. Their sense of self is non existent. While anxious attachment person is capable to look at image of self. They have stable image of self. In abandonment they are afraid that image of themselves is not good enough. BPD is serious mental disorder. Anxious attachment is just style of attachment, not mental disorder. There is no point in comparing the two. Person with BPD had active traumatic abuse from parents and close environment. They have been blocked to express themselves with overcorrection of emotion, thought and physical action. Some deep traumatic experiences in childhood. Person with anxious attachment had just "simple" neglect in childhood. The difference in damage spectrum is too great to compare them.

[@Inprogress_of_newbeginings]

For me, I know exactly what I don't want and others would say that's half way there... but No, I actually don't know what I want and I'm no longer sure I know what I don't want...what if I'm negative thinking again 🤔, you're being hard on yourself 😖

[@hecatesmoontarot]

Hi Kim! I’d love to see a video or even a TIKTOK where you mention CPTSD survivors (or disorganised attachers) and the struggles they face with actively choosing love even in the face of fear, when their subconscious has so far only let them choose to love based on what their external situation is showing them? I.e that their partner is validating that it’s safe to love? And how to continue to choose it even in the midst of triggers and when your partner isn’t always there to constantly reassure or validate you. I’m struggling with this, and it’s not really allowing me to go deeper in my relationship because of my subconscious fear of abandonment. I think what’s going on is, the second I allow myself to trust my partner fully, even when I am scared it isn’t going to work, or even when I’m triggered by my past - that he will do something that affirms my fears and triggers, and ultimately cause me to lose him.. Or if you’ve already mentioned this before, could you point me to any videos you’ve done that might help me further to understand what’s going on for me in that moment and how to cultivate trust and safety in myself and my choice to continue to love my partner even though I’m terrified? 🤍🤍

[@DrKimSage]

Love your feedback and ideas - thank you so much for being here! I have a video on healing disorganized attachment..and probably a few more (lol it's too many now!) but those questions are great topic ideas specifically that i will add to my list! Sending love and healing today❤

[@hecatesmoontarot]

@@DrKimSage Thank you so much Kim! I’m going to binge those vids! I wasn’t sure if I was strictly anxious attached, but now I understand I’m much more likely to be disorganised! Looking forward to more content - I appreciate you! 🤍✨

[@victoriabernhard1036]

Does EMDR help?

[@meesh1002]

Is it possible that my parents didn’t cause this? I believe I have this but it’s not due to my parents. A lot of friends hurt/abandoned me growing up .

[@cryptoandzen7611]

❤

[@email8384]

Is it fair to not date an avoidant if I’m aware my needs won’t be met and I just am not ok with minimal contact :(

[@littlekentucky2294]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@mimi-iy7jv]

is it okay to feel sorry for myself?

[@naturesuniverse1]

i was wondering, do you have any online therapy that i can sign up for?

[@DrKimSage]

If you live in CA, i have a waitlist and you can email me:). drsagehelp@gmail❤

[@YOU-niter]

Do you do online therapy? If not Wish you did But guess you have a HUGE waitlist just in California You have helped me enormously just on here. So grateful for that! Before I came across your channel I had never heard of anxious attachment style! So got so MUCH internal work to do to come to terms with my life & how I became this way.. ​@@DrKimSage

[@courtredhanded]

7:45

[@gregorystinette8271]

If you have a nice dog, none of this applies. Shalom

[@user-sq7xj6xd7c]

Your only on this planet maybe 75 years! It's a pit stop. Just live your lives and stop analyzing everything. I'm 61, been married 34 years, just got divorced. I was anxious, my wife avoidant style. It ended, oh well, not changing at 60. Had a great marriage until the last 3 years, she went nuts. Just move on