DM's, What line of yours had you going, "I can't believe I'm actually saying this"?

[@Scorpious187]

Like the video or I'll have a thousand wizards coordinate a Distributed Denial of Sendings on you.

[@ImTotallyTown]

OH NO PLEASE I LIKED THE VIDEO DON'T TO THAT TO ME!

[@Blandy8521]

Ok but will they all say the same thing or will they shout different stuff

[@Scorpious187]

@@Blandy8521 They will all say "Yeet!"

[@Atma_Weapon]

god no! please no!

[@Bentron88]

Every player was playing an artificer, weren’t they?

[@professorsponge1554]

"No, your band of adventurers cannot build a nuclear reactor."

[@slach3175]

Wait, what was the context ?!

[@professorsponge1554]

@@slach3175 Medieval game, but they were asking what they could invent to 'upgrade the era' like it was civilization 4.

[@chaotickreg7024]

I don't the nuclear atomic model exists in DnD

[@cccaaawww8685]

I’d give them a DC 60 INT check to see if they even know how to make it

[@arielsproul8811]

@@cccaaawww8685 >succeeds

[@archellothewolf2083]

I once pulled the "disguise yourself as yourself" bit to get away from the guards after I'd been framed for a crime. Because my character had a reputation for being a magical bullshitter, i knew procedure would dictate anti-magic be involved in the investigation. So i disguised myself as a beggar with a disguise kit, then used the Disguise self spell on myself to regain my original appearance. When the guards apprehended my character I shouted that I was innocent and they had the wrong person, which they didn't believe until I was taken to an interrogation room and some anti-magic wards were turned on, forcing the spell to end. After some quick deception rolls involving a story about how the "real" me had paid me (the beggar) and skipped town, I was let go, free to investigate who had framed me since the guards were convinced I had already fled. Became Batman for a few sessions. Never underestimate a stupid idea in the hands of a chaotic player. lol

[@Gottaloveaxolotls]

I need moar info on the batman part. Nice story tho

[@justinisorange]

Oh my god that’s brilliant

[@archellothewolf2083]

@@Gottaloveaxolotls Not much to say unfortunately, just snuck around and interrogated some thugs with the Barbarian for a couple sessions while our wizard used some divination magic with the info we gathered. Turned out to be a merchant who was feeling threatened that my new "5-finger discount" store was becoming such a quick success. And why wouldn't it? Most of our products were taken from bandits and such that attacked us and then repaired and re-sold at a discount. And the spare magic items from our GMs random loot table that we didn't need fetched a good price. 0 cost to get the stuff and 100% profit. We ended up proving my innocence, as well as the merchant's guilt for the murder and i sued him for a hefty sum for the trouble. was a good little side-quest.

[@crowsenpai5625]

What mad brilliance!

[@deathzonekiller2261]

This is so cool

[@patrickbuckley7259]

"No you may not treat the Geneva conventions as your characters bucket list." This was a campaign where the players where playing Superheroe's emphasis on the HEROES part.

[@chaoszockt7621]

NATO to Putin be Like:

[@derpmanaveragegamer7791]

"the Geneva Conventions are more what you'd call *guidelines* than actual rules, welcome to the murderhobo party Mr. DM!"

[@patrickbuckley7259]

@@derpmanaveragegamer7791 My issue was less with the concept and more with the context. Though honestly it was just my players screwing with me. They are genuinely good players. They just know how to rile me up.

[@Oma_Ender]

Well shit you just gave me an idea for a character.

[@Kyrio1911]

More like Geneva suggestions am i right?

[@bobdagno4036]

"The vampire explodes, its ashes coming all over your face and in your mouth." Not me, but my DM, who does not think before he speaks.

[@finchbird2419]

So he named it "Ashes"

[@furiousfusion7890]

Were they white?

[@foisopracurtir6389]

@@furiousfusion7890 Powder

[@ZeallustImmortal]

I think they probably did think before they said that. I mean come on...

[@Justinius117]

"Well it seems that you've successfully convinced enough people to join your cult of Rick Astley. You can now officially compete in the Battle of the Bands."

[@gwgh]

The cult’s creed: “Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.” I’d join!

[@seankrake4776]

An item I’ve used that is similar is Sir Richard Astley’s rolls of loyalty. When consumed a willing creature, or an unwilling creature that fails a charisma dc15, is unable to alert others to your presence, must follow orders given by you, they can not give assistance to others, and they cannot cause harm to you. They cannot taunt you, and they cannot lie to you. When they go to use it pull out your phone a Rick roll them. It’s a fun little item that is honestly overpowered, but is worth it for the joy everyone has when they figure it out

[@crowreaper9393]

"No, you cannot bang the bandit mid-fight" The fighter tried to seduce a bandit to give him the intel of where her leader is meanwhile the party is fighting her formal friends... he eventually got her to start talking.

[@Scorpious187]

One of my fellow players somehow managed to, in the middle of a fight, switch a bandit's health potion with a Philter of Love. Bandit got hurt, drank the potion... fell in love with his attacker. Funniest damn way to end a fight I've ever seen.

[@DragonKingZero]

LET'S DATE L-LATER!! AFTER I CAPTURE YOU!

[@crowreaper9393]

@@DragonKingZero basically, yes.

[@thediamondkittygamingmore6614]

Bandittrousle.

[@Graknorke]

I have played many video games that would disagree with that claim

[@gachacell3895]

“Are you trying blow or suck him” Paladin says to the level 9 Wizard as he is using gravitational magic mid fight.

[@michaeledmunds7056]

"Yes"

[@TheCreepyLantern]

"They appreciate your condolences, and don't realize the skull you're wearing is their grandfathers."

[@emmapicott449]

In a recent session, my DM had to mute himself because of how wtf the group was being. 😹 it was soon followed up with, and I quote: "Zeus does not-I hate you guys for making me say this-he does not have STDs."

[@thebowiththemost119]

I. Need. Context.

[@emmapicott449]

@@thebowiththemost119 it’s a long story, but I will try and shorten it for you. 😹😹😹 this happened over the course of several sessions, but we had one player off one session, so our DM did a filler. Where we faced a TARRASQUE. Our campaign was a homebrew Vikings setting where the Roman Empire was still around, and we weren’t exactly on friendly terms with them (this will get explained later, I swear). We were based in Norway, and we had access to portals that went to the Astral Plane from our city, and another from there to Rome itself. So, my tiefling bard, Athena, acted as bait for the tarrasque (my first time facing one, I asked what do we do and everyone went 'RUN!' 😹). We got it through to Rome, let it loose on the city, and took off for Athens to recuperate. Now, my Athena at this point was very O.O 'how did I get myself into this situation and why did I deliberately offer myself as bait to this thing.' And, well... she’s a bard. In that situation, she did what many another bard has likely done and found herself some fun. With Zeus himself. Which... you can understand, really, after the FREAKING TARRASQUE. I missed the next session, so our DM said I stayed with Zeus while the party went on a parts collecting mission/killed a black dragon. They did this by using a cursed sword, that contained the Father Of All Monsters, Typhon. Typhon pulled a Hulk-on-Loki scene on the dragon, went 'where’s Zeus' and took off after him. Of course, he was STILL WITH ME (DM said Hera was nearby eating popcorn at this point waiting for the show to go down). Credit to my party, they did try to stop Typhon, but didn’t quite manage it, lol. So, next session, Typhon turns up in Athens and interrupts my fun with Zeus, they start fighting while I frantically grabbed clothing and yelled at my party something along the lines of 'TF DID YOU CHUCKLEHEADS DO THIS TIME?!', and there’s a brief discussion of 'you don’t know we did anything' 'please. How long has our group worked together?' and 'Athena, roll for PTSD.' Anyway, we join the fight against Typhon, and we do help out... until Typhon critted his attack against Zeus and Zeus died instantly. Not even a Resurrection spell worked, because for that, you need to be able to reach the person’s soul, and what does Typhon critting his attack do? If you guessed yank someone’s soul out so he can absorb it, you would be correct! And of course, Typhon chooses this moment to cheese it out of sight. We did try to stop him, and failed. Immediately after, the rest of the Greek Pantheon turned up, and I was hiding behind one of our party members who’s a troll because of the stink eye I was getting off of Hera. We explain what happened (minus our accidentally setting Typhon free), and the Gods ask us to help stop Typhon. We agreed and they gave us a ride in their chariots (I rode with Athena and had a discussion about spinning and weaving with her-my Athena has a Thing for those things too, and it prompted a brief 'don’t claim you’re better than her, whatever you do!' 'I’m not that stupid!' 'YOU SLEPT WITH ZEUS!' conversation) to the cave where Typhon was literally about to get it on with his wife, Ekidna, with Zeus's soul attached to his thing as a glowing orb. One of our members grabs Typhon, another makes it so Ekidna is boneless and can’t join the fighting (she turned into an icky puddle thing on the floor), another conjures a wedge so that Typhon couldn’t get anything inside her and I... dived on the orb. Which disappeared inside me. We’d already established that I was preggers, and the DM takes this moment to say 'you have a nine month pregnancy in nine minutes!' Our Druid followed this up with 'boil some water and get some towels!' Result: two baby boys, one of which is Zeus and the other our son, who I named Vasileios. I then made the mistake of telling the group what that means in Greek, which is 'King'. They promptly decided this meant my son would someday overthrow his brother-father and become King of the Greek Gods. I’d meant it to mean I’d raise him to be a leader of the people, so you can see how I might not have been entirely happy with their take on things. 😹 We each got a wish in thanks (mine was for protection from malicious intent of any divine source, so basically 'pls keep Hera away? Pls? I just wanna raise my son in peace...'), and then we went home. It was at this point where we had the discussion on STDs, and our DM had to clarify that neither Zeus nor I had any, Zeus because 'HE'S A GOD! THEY DON'T GET STDS!' And me because 'you’ve had enough Greater Restorations used on you that any STDs have long been healed.' We came home to my Dad, a prince of the Roman Empire that had kept my demon mom as a side piece, attacking our home. I didn’t even get a hit on him before he died (again, this was our second time facing him) and I learned I was actually an illegitimate Roman princess on top of everything else. Yeah. It’s been a bit of a ride. 😹 And that is how we thoroughly broke our DM enough to make him say the above statement. At least, it’s a shortened version. 😹😹😹

[@thebowiththemost119]

@@emmapicott449 that was amazing! Omg! I’m actually hoping to DM a game at some point in the future, after all, I have a lot of tables. And you just gave me a lot of ideas!

[@emmapicott449]

@@thebowiththemost119 thank you! My group are thoroughly crazy when they get together, lol, as you can likely tell. XD we actually finished this campaign last Saturday, and I think we might be using Pathfinder for the next one, which should be interesting, I guess? Either way, I’m gonna miss my Athena. 😹😹😹 good luck with your campaign if you do try to run one!

[@thebowiththemost119]

@@emmapicott449 thanks. I hope I can find a group like yours.

[@tienshinhan4164]

In my first campaign I was a female Druid. I wanted to try the ‘seducing everything’ trope for a session because I had laughed at the bard seducing everything memes. I tried seducing our male wizard and instead of rolling the dm made me have to try to seduce him with words. So picture two grown-ass men sitting at a table. One looks at the other and says, “Hey there magic man, want to plant your wand in my cave of wonders?” It was both cringe and hilarious.

[@unkownquantity4949]

Thats outstanding.

[@galaxykitten6849]

Did it work? Please I need to know

[@tienshinhan4164]

@@galaxykitten6849 It did not. Not even close.

[@piranhaplantX]

I mean, even if I call for a roll. I personally require that the player act our or clearly describe how they're doing a thing. So I agree with your DM. If you're going for silly, you have to put in the effort for the fuckery you're putting your DM through. ;P

[@tienshinhan4164]

@@piranhaplantX I totally agree. This was with my first (and favorite) dm. It makes the immersion so much better if you force a bit of roleplay. It also helps your new players come out of their shells.

[@19ohNate]

"The door does not react to your interpretive dance and thus remains locked"

[@hunterhewitt7059]

“I’m an owlbear exterminator” “Then you wouldn’t mind exterminating this owlbear”

[@Torthrodhel]

Ha!

[@thetos]

"The dwarf builds a catapult" "You use the catapult to launch the dwarf at the door" I was not the DM, I was the dwarf

[@michaelking6987]

All I can say as a dnd player is : yeet

[@adeeta5701]

Nobody tosses a dwarf!

[@thetos]

@@adeeta5701 a full party of idiots with a catapult do lol (I'm unsure if your reply is a reference to smth)

[@adeeta5701]

@@thetos it's a reference to LORD OF THE RINGS.

[@Bunny_sweetheart]

Being a dm is literally just working a retail job that lets you question the stupidity of your customers(the party)

[@arcticbanana66]

"The lungs are occupying the hole." "Let me make an Intelligence check for this corn." "The Sun fails its Dex save." "Scrolls of Find Familiar are not an acceptable substitute for the hunting skill." "You have successfully Intimidated the door." "What if humans are just dire halflings?" "The orcs are now thoroughly greased." "Mephistopheles solemnly accepts your challenge to a bake-off." "Barbecue chicken rains down around you as you say your tearful goodbyes."

[@captc0ck5lap60]

"What if humans are just dire halflings?" I think I just had an existential crisis.

[@yusharider]

Reading this made me laugh for a minute straight. I really want to join your group.

[@DistendedPerinium]

Sounds like a typical Rifts campaign honestly.

[@arcticbanana66]

For context, these are accumulated from the span of years of games since the mid-1990s, except for the first one which is from "The Unexpectables" (the group hunted a froghemoth for its lungs so that their artificer employee could build them some apparatuses that would allow them to breath in the Plane of Water, and stuffed the giant lungs into their portable hole for transport) and the second one is from "Role With Me: Ties That Bind" (the druid, T-wig (pronounced Tee-wig), used Speak With Plants to ask a corn field some questions, which then caused her a bit of a crisis when the farmers came along and started harvesting it and all of the corn stalks started screaming ("OH GOD!" "IT HURTS SO MUCH!" "ACTUALLY I'M A MASOCHIST SO I KIND OF LIKE IT!"). I highly recommend watching both series. In my personal opinion, The Unexpectables is the best D&D series on the entire internet. MontyGlu is such a _fantastic_ DM.

[@GZilla311]

… who won the bake-off?

[@beesmchuman8588]

"No, I shit HIS pants with subtle spell prestidigitation."

[@johnscarborough9627]

“Are you trying to give the Drake a Lapdance”? Me, to the Warlock, who had just poledanced using his staff (he rolled a Nat20), before ‘seductively dancing’ around a wild Drake in an attempt to tame it. He did not tame it

[@Scorpious187]

That's freakin' hilarious.

[@ericb3157]

reminds me of an older story on this channel: the Bard succeeded in seducing a dragon, BUT... it was a MALE dragon...

[@Dualbladedscorpion7737]

XD

[@superiorrule34]

Stop lying I was their he a rolled nat 1 nearly stuffings his staff up his ass.

[@genericuser984]

@@ericb3157 RIP, literally

[@lordofnothing2239]

"The Elder Tarrasque is not a masochist" The players were watching a fight between the barbarian's ghost-grandpa and a 4000 year old tarrasque duke it out, and making weird comments.

[@cerouluxray6394]

Me: "No, you can't use the condom as a hot air balloon." Player: "I was wanting to use it is a raft." Me: "YOU CAN'T USE A CONDOM AS A RAFT!"

[@AllenGray47]

Was it like, a dragon condom?

[@cerouluxray6394]

@@AllenGray47 Worse. It's Pokemon Mystery Dungeons and Dragons. It was one for Wailord

[@csmrookie9600]

There’s a wailord sized condom? What kinda Pokémon sex drugs exist in that world?

[@cerouluxray6394]

@@csmrookie9600 Remember, Wailord is the size of a blimp (47+ feet tall and three times as long). There's a reason why Wailord on Skitty (the smallest Pokemon, which also shares an egg group as Wailord) is a joke for frequent breeders.

[@csmrookie9600]

@@cerouluxray6394 so does that mean Wailord has an extremely small penis or is the skitty extremely flexible and probably a size empress?

[@Styxintheriver]

Dude makes me think of when the party was getting attacked by winged women with beautiful faces and voices but horrific clawing talon. One of my players, once he realized what they were called, yelled "oh no, HERPES!"

[@stephenstonge7968]

I am seriously using this as soon as l encounter harpies ingame. 🤣

[@n0etic_f0x]

"He lets the woman deliver the child then tosses it into the fortress wall as hard as he can" The point was to just show how evil this faction was, it very much worked.

[@markuhler2664]

Jeezus. Yeah, that would do it.

[@n0etic_f0x]

@@markuhler2664 Yeah the faction is literally just called "The evil empire" by several groups. Sometimes you just need a group you can go full murder hobo on. When you need to start things with a bang, it works. The best part is what you can do after. I have done this several times the second was one of the best. A guy just blasted the leader guy with a crossbow, no roll instant kill but it sparks a battle and gains them massive notoriety. A start that gets put into legend. Thanks, Game of Thrones!

[@bonefetcherbrimley7740]

This sounds like how barbarians are made.

[@SoupPersonUwU]

“If I use a spoon does it count as thieves tools?”, “Fuck it, you’ve successfully invented the saying beating a dead horse.”, and my favorite, “No, I’m not letting you skin that baby and throw it’s mother down the pit.”

[@yodleehoo8679]

May I ask for the context of the baby line? 💀

[@SoupPersonUwU]

@@yodleehoo8679 It's from a game back from when I was in junior high, I ran a dnd game for a few friends of mine at the library. In the first session they had come to an underground temple converted into a thieves hideout, at one point one of the players (the paladin) fell into a pit trap, and we joked about how the pit craves the blood of the holy. Eventually after cleaning most of the dungeon they find a woman captured by the thieves who was being held as a hostage, along with her child. The party finds out she also happens to be a priest at a local temple (I was planning to use her to be the main questgiver/a place to buy healing items), the warlock decides he would like to use her and her child as a sacrifice to his elder god patron. So when they get near the pit on the way back he rolls an attack to push the npc woman down the pit. Following that roll he theb says he wants to skin her baby. I what I said above, and then explain the campaign would be detailed if he did that.

[@L-ghtlessSky]

@@SoupPersonUwUyou mean derailed?

[@hithere4762]

While I wasn't sure how he felt about saying it, I once was in a campaign where after a bunch of pre-session goofing around the GM felt the need to say: "I'm not letting you guys sell NFTs in my fucking fantasy campaign."

[@Eliza-hb1nc]

wha...?

[@WildBluntHickok]

At least magical NTFs are environmentally-friendly. Although trying to think of what makes them non-counterfeit-able is really stumping me.

[@Eliza-hb1nc]

@@WildBluntHickok you make them using a spell. ingredients: your blood(100ml) a dna sample(hair will do) all of your spell slots a painting of any kind GP equal to the painting's worth try counterfeiting this!

[@kjj26k]

@@WildBluntHickok Magical NFTs would absolutely open a portal to hell. Not very environmentally friendly.

[@citcoin-official2681]

"You have successfully, accidentally, Seduced Tiamat." Context: Sorcerer player who is kind of the embodiment of chaos. He turned the party into a Helicopter at one point. (Not polymorph or anything, just rube-goldberg machined their various abilities) He had a brilliant plan, with an exceptional set of benefits for both parties, high charisma, a Natural Twenty and several accidental innuendos in said brilliant plan. They were on Avernus and fighting against an elemental invasion. Turns out his existing Serpentine Girlfriend was her mortal incarnation, who he unknowingly summoned as part of the plan (She whipped out Four more heads and a pair of wings, he was very impressed.)

[@l1ghtd3m0n3]

Well we know where that sorcerer is going when he dies (right into Tiamat's horde)

[@mathewginty6382]

⁰

[@johnlaremy3592]

what language is this

[@Eddiember]

"No, you cannot name yourselves the "Kidnapping Kid Killers", for multiple reasons." "Make a Slight of Tongue check."

[@nihility7082]

"No Redacted, I'm not arguing that force feeding goodberries and stabbing the NPC over and over again is a effective means of torture, I'm just not going to allow it in a game for 10 year olds".

[@noticeme6412]

I need the context for this

[@nihility7082]

@@noticeme6412 i guess it wasnt really in line with the hilarity of the video i suppose, just disturbing but a " I can't believe I have to say this" moment too.

[@amberkat8147]

OMG! XD

[@maccychee3858]

If I were a 10 year old I would love this

[@charliejones7512]

I don’t know whether this might count. Me and my fiancé were playing our very first Dungeons and Dragons (The Wolves of Weldon) game with 4 other players and we finally get to the wolves in they’re den. After scouting out the den and figuring out that 2 of them could talk and were concerned about food, we sent our ranger (fiancé) to hunt for an elk since we fought (and killed a few) wolves at a few encounters and wanted to have a peace offering. The DM was quite surprised since it completely bypassed the boss battle he had in mind and then asked what we should do with the wolves. “Let’s teach them how to farm sheep!” DM didn’t what to say and had to speak a couple other DMs in the same room for 5 minutes before coming back, still looking stunned and said, “ You spend a week teaching the wolves to farm...”

[@amberkat8147]

I LOVE it!

[@samuelfonseca2483]

Please post a follow-up. Do the wolves know how to farm sheep?

[@markuhler2664]

Taking the third option

[@RelativelyBest]

Actually, I've had the "disguise myself as myself, but badly" idea myself. Like, say the character is very famous and recognizable but pretends to be a delusional impostor.

[@thewovenmantis6813]

“You CANNOT ‘hold action: shit’ on the dinner table as Sir Artos returns with the doughnuts.” “Okay so everyone is riding Dan, except for Szlatei, who is riding you.” Are my own top two. “I needed to pretend I was in the know on who Daddy was.” Is probably a close third.

[@LoreCatan]

"In the know" 😂 That's hilarious

[@abigailhowe8302]

"are you attempting to DDoS someone with Sending?" *drops everything as she stares at the screen blankly* "how...have I NEVER gotten this idea..."

[@lgressley1]

Everyone who saw you steal the ham has instantly lost consciousness

[@BeanLord69]

My character kicked an enemy in the balls. DM: Roll for emergency vasectomy Also DM: Roll for lack of kids

[@dragonriderabens9761]

Not a DM, but I made my DM ask this "So, let me get this straight...you want to pop the dragon...like a water balloon..." Me: "uh huh" DM: "Ok...I need to go soon, but we can finish with this because, I really want to see this work"

[@Gh0stWh33l]

As a DM: "You are now watching Boku No Pico with Cthullhu." Said after the Sorcerer declared he got his powers from said entity. We decided that he paid for it by being forced to watch anime in his sleep with the Great Old One. Because he was bored. As a Player, the DM said to me: "Congratulations, you just Drowned a Fish." After I used gust of wind to inflate and then pop the equivalent of lungs inside a giant sea monster. This was after I dismantled the other two encounters he'd thrown at us in similarly unconventional ways.

[@ebertwix5860]

Chthulu: yoooooooooooo

[@caolanochearnaigh9804]

The fuck is Boku No Pico...? I don't know shit about any anime except for Pokémon and a small bit of Jojo...

[@Gh0stWh33l]

@@caolanochearnaigh9804 it's better you remain pure. Or don't. You have a Google Box.

[@caolanochearnaigh9804]

@@Gh0stWh33l Purity? Oh, you sweet summer child, I lost my innocence YEARS ago... Can you please tell me what the hell Boku No Pico is...?

[@ZED_117]

@@caolanochearnaigh9804 one does not tell what Boku no Pico is, one merely warns or shows. You're going to have to look it up yourself.

[@Jessie_Helms]

“The final goblin, having just seen his allies turned into a fine red mist by that thunder clap drops his weapons, folds into the fetal position, and begins to weep.” Players: “Can we roll an insight check?” “Uh, sure, you can roll an insight on the weeping goblin on the ground.” Players: *rolled 3’s and 5’s* “HE’S CASTING A SPELL, KILL HIM NOW!”

[@Willimann]

ah yes, the classics.

[@ericb3157]

that "DDoS with Sending" reminded me of a gag in "the order of the Stick" where their version of Sending had a 25-word limit: "-DAMN STUPID SPELL! I mean, who can get anything really meaningful said in only 25 frickin' words? I'm going to find whoever designed this spell and-" -he gets cut off AGAIN! it's comic #337. (can't link directly)

[@Styxintheriver]

"so you wanna throw the extremely fast-growing and adaptive plant seeds into the flesh ravine? You know this isn't just some big creature, but a layer of the abyss, right? You wanna give the abyss a fungal infection?

[@tnm1697]

“The goose on the roof appears to just be a goose and not Tiamat in disguise” “The dragon definitely is quirked up with a little bit of swagger”

[@beep_beep_]

"You try to introduce yourself to the chair, but, as is typical of chairs, it does not respond"

[@cwispygiraffe]

Oh my god so many I can’t even begin to list them

[@welltatormytots5269]

“Your arm is now elbow deep inside the monster. You are now grappled.” ABSOLUTELY SENT ME

[@apunnojustice7475]

a couple memorable lines (of many) from my first attempt at dnd: "you're going to store the slime where???? fine, roll for inches" "roll a saving throw" "no i just let it" "you.... let the aboleth take you?" "yep" "you found a mysterious bowl of what looks like blood and youre going to drink it????" i miss playing a chaotic bard

[@Ceracio]

Roll for WHAT?

[@apunnojustice7475]

@@Ceracio i got 18 :)

[@Ceracio]

@@apunnojustice7475 And where, pray tell, did you end up storing the slime?

[@apunnojustice7475]

@@Ceracio i think you know exactly where i stored that slime :)

[@thebookless3381]

up that urethra...

[@tauronmitronion377]

"His body is softer because of the bee stings swelling." For context: a player wanted to use the headless body of the bandit they'd just killed as a pillow; our Swarmkeeper ranger had gotten the final hit.

[@LoreCatan]

ewww, but the _smell!_ Don't tell me they actually let them do that xD

[@matthewlabodin3981]

"The book on Kobold and Dragonborn mating rituals is a picture book." "I mean, you won the race. I guess you two are officially best couple now." "You managed to sneak your horse into your room at least twice this week." "You don't need to multiclass into bard to have sex." "The horse now knows what dying feels like." "These wyrmlings hatched about two weeks ago, and they are smarter than you." "So, apparently your warforged friend's firmware supported an optional excretory system. I repurposed that for the harpoon gun I attached."

[@michaelmcdoesntexist6859]

"Congratulations, you sold your free will to a ghost plank."

[@cyberneticmango7882]

my two favorites from campaigns i've been in "I cast dispel magic on the mayonnaise." and "your receive 65 pounds of former steel door."

[@flamejay10]

"I can swear to as many gods I want! F%$&!" For refrances we were in a very much homebrew game were our characters were tasked with gaurding this little child through our adventures...basically making two of us her sergeant parents. I was playing as a Gnoll (basically a hyena beastman) Necromancer that was basically on a mission to kill gods and demons alike and was the "father figure" and the "mother figure" was an half-elf Priestess who was very religious and zealousin her beliefs. Half through the campaign we have to camp because DM ruled that we need to take breaks due to having a kid with us. While during break the half-elf and i get into our heated debates that our characters always get into. We started on the topic of what gods we should and shouldn't anger and somehow moved into topic of magic verse devils and on this topic I say. Me: "I swear to god you can't just use bone removal spell on devils just to rip their skeletons out." Elf: "How can you not? Also, you don't worship a god. HOw can you swear to one?" Me: "what? That's not how that works?" Elf: "you can swear to god if you don't worship a god. Which god would you swear to?" Me: "I can swear to as many gods I want! F%$&!" It was at this time our "daughter" learned her very first swear.

[@visorshadow1566]

uh oh, I want more of this campaign's story. as a fellow aspiring necromancer (although as a dragonborn warlock who made a pact with a dracolich) I would be very interested to hear more about your adventures

[@leahl5007]

“You failed to bite off the chin-snake, and are now giving the devil a hickey.”

[@Spiceodog]

My dm once “ I,,, uh yeah. Congratulations, the gods are dead. You killed them all. With a inanimate garden gnome , 2 cantrips, and some koa toa…… well yeah you killed the gods I guess “

[@cvernon5256]

I had a moment where I just broke as a DM because I couldn't process what in the heck the player was trying to do. I *thought* that I had described the situation well but my friend then decided to have his paladin walk into a glammoured but still immensely hot path of lava. He died instantly and I couldn't think of a way to save him. None. Because I didn't want to bring in weird outer influences, gods, etc. And a huge element of this is due him doing a trust fall into it, believing his deity would protect him. And it was a chaotic evil god of death.

[@SnepBlepVR]

“You want to what? Throw the kobold where?…. Ok I’ll allow it.”

[@SnepBlepVR]

The kobold in this case was the guide for the party that accidentally led them astray by failing a intelligence check and made them get on the wrong ship. The barbarian wanted to throw it into the krakens mouth so it would leave them alone..

[@birky0191]

"I would offer you a beverage, water or tea or such, but I'm afraid I've lost the kitchen. this is another one

[@arsenalxa4421]

I've heard the deerdash one before! They used Baleful Polymorph to turn one of the party into a kobold to sneak into a kobold den and get them to eat poisoned meat. There was also a "swolebold" later on.

[@Scorpious187]

If you've heard it before you probably saw the video on All Things D&D... and no, it was regular Polymorph. I know, I'm Delkesh, a.k.a. Swolebold. And yes, I know Polymorph wasn't technically the right spell for it, but our DM let it slide.

[@visorshadow1566]

@@Scorpious187 wait, you're THE dude that brought swolebald into existence?

[@Scorpious187]

@@visorshadow1566 Yes. lol.

[@visorshadow1566]

@@Scorpious187 sweet. i find that pretty cool, especially considering my character is also a magic caster, with some connection to reptiles. he is a black dragonborn warlock, and he can pretty much act as the party's interrogator because of his cozy +5 bonus to both intimidation and deception at level 1.

[@lgressley1]

Screaming yeehaa while my soul rides a collapsing sun into an eldritch god.

[@theinsanegamer1024]

We need a part 2 or 3 or 12 to this.

[@Squaredasher]

"Congratulations! You have invented the concept of hiring scab workers!"

[@Jessie_Helms]

“The Dragonborne has a blood alcohol level of _3”_

[@StinkerTheFirst]

This is a gem of video. Lots of hilarious stuff here. The one about the Owlbear and the fruit, the kidnapped dog, SWOLEBOLD...It makes me chuckle just thinking about them. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for the positive note at the end. It's very much appreciated.

[@matthewshimabuku]

"Your full plate armor looks horrible, but is serviceable, but you don't find the ferret in the banana cream pie."

[@ashbradshaw6835]

Not a DM but a player. "So, we're swimming to the Isles, right? I don't know how to swim." Literally seconds before they're taught about boats, which they don't think exist.

[@lorddestrustor8828]

My Dm once had one where he shared the sentiment with the NPC who had to say it: "Sir, I can't believe I have to ask this, but please drop this penguin."

[@BirdyDive]

Mine was "...you successfully picked up the car. Roll for damage... *rolls* ...the bad guys are all chunky salsa."

[@lexington476]

4:16 this is why I love this channel, I cannot stop laughing. I will never again be able to look at a rabbit the same way 😀😃😄😃😀.

[@Scorpious187]

My son's character had a serious case of rabbit PTSD for a few sessions.

[@mattb4072]

All these shit jokes reminds me of when one of my players looted an officer's ass, pulling out a 2 lb shit he had been holding. Later that session, he used said shit as a projectile to save his friend npc. He now loots every ass he can.

[@Senerith]

the *LOATHESOME DUNG EATER*

[@lordvess6214]

I love the fact that this dude can pull out a perfect Skyrim Dark Elf voice from thin air.

[@postapocalypticnewsradio]

PANR has tuned in. How's everyone holding up? Keeping well?

[@deathkorpscommissar1407]

"No, you cannot be a british redcoat."

[@kayq3231]

"You're making a sick young girl do jumping jacks to make her laugh?"

[@AtaeruCDX]

*Long staring at the player* "You *maaaay* roll stealth (at disadvantage) as you attempt to *fly* up the building unnoticed. Meanwhile the mass of winged humanoid personal are soaring out of the same building you're scaling up at and the flying guards are actively looking for your tiny kobold butt." *not even one minute later* "You believe the guards that are looking at you with utter disgust, totally believe that you are "flying drunk""

[@chaotickreg7024]

"Friendly reminder that 'nested quotes' get 'single quotes'"

[@abadidea5984]

At the end of session 1 of Waterdeep Dragon Heist: "Okay then, let's draft up the terms of your property loan." The rest of the session was then spent literally drafting up a loan contract with the Waterdeep Commerce Guilds for the party's new tavern.

[@SirJunnOfER]

After all of those antics, it was “you failed to hit the blind man with your mace” that got me

[@andrewvarney5687]

When most of the stories leave Brian giggling, you know it's going to be a good video!!!

[@frostyvoid827]

“No, [FRIEND], you can’t murder the shopkeeper”

[@larkermouse]

"Yes, I'm a peanut butter farmer. I grow and harvest peanut butter." Me, in character as an impromptu NPC after a mousefolk PC rolled a nat 20 investigation check to see if any of the farmers had peanut butter

[@lord_of_chaos5215]

“The ogre finally dies as you kick him in the nuts” “No, You you cannot use the goblin child to breed an army”

[@letsplaysvonaja1714]

I feel like ball bearings might mess up a decently sized snake

[@filipeamado5077]

As it prepares itself to roar, you dropkick the dragon with all your might, and against all odds it falls to the ground

[@remainprofane7732]

I once had to rule: “putting a banana in your ear is a free action”

[@passerby1200]

"Ah, the ghost appears to be dead."

[@SiegeTF]

"I'm not letting you have a Nurgling familiar to use as a living grenade." "It's probably a really bad idea to name your rat familiar Thanquol." "You're going to... drink the water the daemonette nymph was using to drown people?" D&D in the Warhammer Fantasy setting is *fun.*

[@swordmaster2305]

Could he even touch the nurgling without dying ?

[@SiegeTF]

@@swordmaster2305 If the DM let me be a cultist. Which he didn't. To his credit he did work the fact that we were a human Bard/Sorcerer, Monk/Sorcerer, and Fighter/Sorcerer (and Wood Elf Ranger/Fighter who joined late) into the plot.

[@swordmaster2305]

@@SiegeTF that sounds like heresy to me.

[@SiegeTF]

@@swordmaster2305 quite the opposite; we were direct descendants of Sigmar, and only we could make the pilgrimage across Lustria and close the portal the Orks from the grim darkness of the far future (with repeating hand cannons) were using to invade (Warcraft style).

[@BirdyDive]

@@SiegeTF *Visibly taking notes*

[@KalijahAnderson]

This is the hardest I've laughed in a long time. Thank you, I actually needed that. Addition. My DM told me "I'm never letting you have two months to prepare for war again." I was playing a steel dragon in a dragon campaign and got the dwarf town to make a bunch of glass bottles. I then proceeded to breath my barbell into them and seal them, thus preserving the 'save vs poison or instantly die' breath weapon. We then air dropped two months worth of breath weapon (3 a day so 180 breath weapons) on the unsuspecting army. We won.

[@ploopploopy4940]

This one NEEDS to have a part 2

[@ssfbob456]

"So your plan to get through the cult's army of kobolds is to create a NEW cult and recruit them? Fuck it, roll persuasion."

[@unknownslayer7363]

"Zarial has hit you 3 Times and you take.... 1 point of damage"

[@jacoporegini8841]

"You cannot tame the hydra, you cannot train the hydra and, by the nine hells and the sixhunderdsixtysix layers of the abyss, you most certainly cannot pet the hydra."

[@akulsinator7680]

I the barbarian killed Cookie Monster with the grouch’s body. “Elmo sends his regards”

[@travisbishop782]

I would love to know that story!

[@silvergodofice5039]

*Deep sigh*"The ARMY of 20,000 pigeons consumes the full armored knight legion ... Roll intimidation"

[@WarChallenger]

I can't wait to see my DM's reaction to my new bio-weapon - The Rat Bag. It's a portable hole with two were rats, that will quickly become multiple more as I chuck humanoids into it. Considering we've joked about it in the past, there will probably be a joke about me successfully filling out "biological warfare" on the DM's war crime bingo card.

[@masterpiece1817]

“You turn the Illithich into a bear cub” “You shoot the bear cub with an arrow of bear slaying point blank and kill it”

[@eggsinthewind]

on the first session of a campaign i had to say “Fine, Mr Clean is a god”

[@cal_motus332]

"Fine. You guys use the limbs of the dead Owlbear to activate the pressure plates and get safely across the trap."

[@Babbleplay]

Was not GM, just a player. Campaign was lighthearted, but not full comedy, and party tank was a Half Orc Barbarian Karen. In a fight with devils, as we were about to start combat, I said :Karen, maybe skip the battle cry this time; these things are from the Abyss; you do *NOT* want to speak to their manager.

[@omegaknight6421]

"you use the speed boost to spindash into the lord of golems, knocking it off balance, sending it tumbling into the pit of infinite sharks"

[@GwenhwyfarArt]

The player who could sleep in a bag of holding, due to their nature, was likely a dhampir as they're not required to breathe.

[@freak4kmfdm]

Hi that was actually mine from the original reddit post. He was a warforged. 😁

[@GwenhwyfarArt]

@@freak4kmfdm Oh shoot! I forgot Warforged as the other option! Well, now we know both dhampirs and warforged can be carried in bags of holding.

[@andrewbernal9957]

Not a line prompted out of player stupidity but it’s a line from a vampire villain I made I while ago that forever cemented him as one of the coolest villains in the campaign. For context, the party had forcefully adopted a mute child (who they later found out was related by blood to the god of death) and had brought him along wherever they went. “Oh, you brought a child with you here. That’s great. I love children… Medium rare!” And then he killed a bunch of people.

[@RealCryptoTest]

I don’t remember my exact words but the rogue no-clipped through several walls in a labyrinth right to the exit.

[@hariodinio]

In a magically enhanced area that guy was like I will use the magic to stop the magic

[@blockhead134]

"The water is pretty stagnant and dirty, so Ill let it count towards your food today" "Eating a few trees doesnt make you vegan" "The pond is noticably shallower after you take a drink" I had a player that had an item that made him kindasorta a slime. had to eat and drink several times his bodyweight (as a musclebound dragonborn) every day, but he could eat basically any organic matter

[@cheesuschrist4473]

"Surprise coloniscopy" lmao