DM's, What line of yours had you going, "I can't believe I'm actually saying this"? #3

[@praxusprime5392]

"Did...did you just...behead the BBEG..with an invisible, non-existent FISH!?!" The PC was a mime.

[@lechking941]

fucking mimes just as bad as clowns in the deep (or in space)

[@nathanielbass771]

-distorted, unintelligible mime noises and hand-gestures while putting up his dukes and grabbing the druid's shillay-lee- is the only acceptable response XD

[@ericb3157]

reminds me of a comic book where a Mime character shot someone with an invisible gun... it was a weird crossover comic, the mime was from "the Watchmen" and he met The Joker...

[@lechking941]

@@ericb3157 dang they equally low now confirmed in lethality scail

[@Dragonian05]

Ah, the swordfish. Excellent choice.

[@rcgaming5605]

So I’m apart of the campaign that said “Are you trying to give the Drake a lapdance” and it was one of the most glorious things to come out if a DND session.

[@johnscarborough9627]

Can confirm it was a bonkers session

[@boredincan]

Do you mean "a part"? If not, why would you separate yourself from such a campaign?

[@lechking941]

@@johnscarborough9627 now i wonder did you end up giving a drake a lapdance? for i wish it ended up with the thing getting horny for ya and leavin after words. or who ever it was being done by.

[@rcgaming5605]

@@boredincan yeah. I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed

[@johnsteampunk6408]

@@rcgaming5605 None of us are.

[@DHTheAlaskan]

"You fire your crossbow, look at me, look at me, the crossbow, not the bolt. Your weapon launches out of your hand and smashes into the bandit. The bolt hangs in the air for a comically long period of time before clattering to the road. Roll your weapon damage and sneak attack, nobody saw that coming." It was a game of Waterdeep Dragon Heist and this was my 3rd character in 3 sessions (the dice were out to get me I swear) and I rolled a nat 1 on my attack roll. The gm had cleared with us he wanted to reward nat 20s and allow for shenanigans on nat 1s. So...task failed successfully. I lost my crossbow but, I killed the bandit.

[@lechking941]

dam if i ever end up in a game i want that to be a rule because its like ya did the job still no shit show fail BUT does the job in some really dirt bag stupid way.

[@nathanielbass771]

I thought this was going to be a team four star reference for a moment XD

[@coecalmosh9659]

Me after rolling a nat 20: I look out the window and yell “ITS MY MONEY, AND I NEED IT NOW!” DM: A devil appears in the summoning circle, he’s wearing a business suit and is holding a briefcase with the name JG Wentworth emblazoned on it.

[@RottNPhaze]

Can i plz plz steal this the devil is what i mean

[@coecalmosh9659]

@@RottNPhaze go right ahead.

[@RottNPhaze]

Yes!!!! now to make the warlock who made the deal with him.

[@diagonalscroll5]

…877 cash now.

[@RavenheartIndustries]

877 cash now?!@@diagonalscroll5

[@emilduschek4406]

"The sun fails its DEX save" Why do i instantly think about hollow knight?

[@funnyvideoguy3216]

Idk

[@Tpose_Clockman]

I think of undertale

[@qwontz]

What, are we gonna fight the sun?

[@AzaloonyToons]

@@qwontz*moth appear*

[@akrielparlaq9436]

"We'll have plenty of landmines, there are churches all over the place!" "No, the goblin will NOT sleep with you, regardless of how many wheels of cheese you offer him." "As it turns out, Immovable Rods are VERY helpful in interrogations" "Bow before my ultimate power! A thousand years of cheese-related suffering upon you!" "I don't care if you roll a nat 20 ten times in a row, that goblin isn't having sex with you. Cheese. Will. Not. Change. This."

[@r.j.penfold]

Was that first one inspired by Mark, Bob and Wade's attempt of the Goatman, by any chance, or just happy coincidence?

[@akrielparlaq9436]

@@r.j.penfold It was actually, really happy I had a context to use it in that campaign!

[@SuperNicktendoEntertainment]

Wtf is the story with the Goblin and the cheese wheels?

[@gildedravenvideos3937]

What did you do with the immovable rod is my concern lols

[@emberthefox4951]

I assume that all the cheese related ones were followed up by a "What's wrong with Wensleydale?"

[@serena221]

My DM gave me, a goblin rogue, a sword that extends in length whenever I say 'thunder'. The only reason I could hold it was because of my belt of hill giant strength. So I, a small character, went under a large enemy and repeated the word thunder as many times as I could, holding the sword straight up. My DM: "You successfully skewer the monster in the but with you extending sword."

[@nathanielbass771]

lol, thundercats reference XD

[@alexkuhn5188]

Sword that extends when you say something specific? Your DM gave you Gin’s Zanpakuto from Bleach!

[@genderenigma8276]

"no, you cannot [bed] the voice." "What do you say to the pizza mafia janitor?" "The dragon has imprinted on you. Congratulations, Frog, it's a boy."

[@strikethespike816]

“My game has devolved into a very intense debate on how best to sort moss.”

[@EllpaFox47]

well? how *does* one best sort moss?

[@M_S_Blanc]

​@@EllpaFox47Clearly, it's by taste.

[@The_Distortionist_Waits]

​@@M_S_Blanc Nonsense! It's sorted by colour

[@M_S_Blanc]

@@The_Distortionist_Waits I am the moss collector this month, I sort the mosses how I please!

[@The_Distortionist_Waits]

@@M_S_Blanc You are a lousy moss collector! You do not deserve the duty!

[@zachypoo89]

Not the DM, but the player that caused the line to be said. “Roll persuasion to teach the vampire leech about consent” One had jumped out at us in a swamp, and I had already cast speak with animals to talk to other wildlife (yes, I’m a druid lol) and when it was slithering towards us it was saying something about sticking its proboscis under our skin to inject eggs into our flesh. My druid kindly stepped aside and said “Uhm, hi. No thank you. That’s quite rude. You should ask before trying to inject eggs into someone.” I now have the label of “Teacher of Consent to Animals” after a few other wildlife run-ins

[@lechking941]

XD lol that sounds like a fun game.

[@FaerieWithAHalo]

Henry Crabgrass is all I can think of

[@SuperNicktendoEntertainment]

We STAN consent in this comment section!

[@EvoWatches]

#druidsquad

[@Dots_The_Demon_Lord]

​@@SuperNicktendoEntertainmentwait, so like... we oppose it in the other comment sections?

[@anthonyallen5600]

My Wife received this sentence for one of her favorite characters. "The Bandits loved you so much that they gave you a small wagon, enough food for the Party for a week, and waved tearfully as you left them." She had successfully avoided battle by greeting the Bandits cheerfully and fixing all their equipment. I, on the other hand, got the DM to say "You want to use your Warforged, in Spiked Armor, as a fishing lure?". "Yup!"

[@veitzharch6884]

"I use Mind Link to project ASMR of me chewing food into his mind" This was conceived by our Kalashtar party member as a form of torture originally, and afterwards as a running joke when one of the party members or NPC's would annoy them too much.

[@EllpaFox47]

as someone with sensory issues that sounds like torture to me

[@s--h1584]

New player learning mechanics asked to "insight check" a hundred year old skeleton, thinking that meant investigating for clues. I replied, "the skeleton is thinking 'oh yes I am incredibly dead'".

[@johnscarborough9627]

YAAAS MY DRAGON LAPDANCE STORY MADE IT!!!!

[@bennesbitt2065]

Barbarian/rogue gnome: (rolls nat 20) "I strip naked set my self on fire and charge the camp."

[@ashtongiertz8728]

Eh, it's not covering himself in honey, but same energy.

[@AzaloonyToons]

What-

[@hiccupyboi]

While i think the "weaponized Hutt porn" from the last one is still my favorite, these are all still really good lol

[@funnyvideoguy3216]

Dude that story made me want to play a star wars dnd campaign

[@heidistokes9273]

I think I broke my DM the other night. He wasn't expecting me to release a mindflayer but damn it I was gonna do the thing. "I thought you were true neutral! Why are you going chaotic evil‽"

[@lechking941]

*points chaotic neutral*

[@heidistokes9273]

@@lechking941 you'd think, but I do lawful good stuff on occasion too. I mix and match everything to blend into true neutral, not just being generally passive/unaligned in other directions. This apparently works for my DM most of the time so it's a vibe.

[@lechking941]

@@heidistokes9273 noted.

[@nathanielbass771]

True neutral tend to do whatever they think is in their best interest, regardless of what anyone else thinks...or they don't think at all, or they're under mind-control effects

[@heidistokes9273]

@@nathanielbass771 that's usually my way of going. Letting out the mind flayer was intended as a way to get it to eat other enemies within the cave system that were chasing me

[@a_angry_bunny]

"You turn into a dolphin while falling 300 meters above sea level." "No, just because the player hasn't shown up for two game sessions does not mean you can sell their Goliath barbarian as a slave to a halfling farmer." "How did we get to the point where the cleric is the most evil member of the party and the rogue is the moral compass?"

[@AzaloonyToons]

Ok that last part has me curious

[@AzaloonyToons]

What happened

[@a_angry_bunny]

@AzaloonyToons The Cleric was really good at role-play. Long story short, with a silver tongue and some good deception roles he was able to convince the local thugs to let the party join the gang where they picked off the gang from within, he smoothtalked a banshee, and convinced a necromancer to assist them with taking care of a ork tribe and then backstabbed the Necromancer after half of his undead posse was taken care of by the orks. Meanwhile, the rogue is acting more like a bard with all the ladies.

[@MudDragon723]

"The monkeys definitely do NOT have shotguns."

[@FiksIIanzO]

A relatively green player was exploring the capabilities of her dragonborn sorceress. To her credit, she was asking a lot of good questions. But there were a couple of _very_ bad ones. I had to spell out to her "No, unconscious creatures do not automatically consent to whatever you cast at them" before she realized how creepy her question sounded

[@MrUks]

Context: I made a one shot based on a short story from Philip K Dick about people suddenly thinking they are plants. Never in a million years did I dream that the first run of this one shot would have this conversation. Basically after already talking to one of the people affected by the curse, the rogue suddenly got an idea: Me, the DM: "Can you mind please, I'm attending to my plantly duties" Player: "I can help you with your plantly duties if you give me your stuff" Me: "Please refrain from touching my vessel" Player: "No, your vessel?! No dude, common. If you let me touch your vessel, I'll be able to help you with your plantly duties" Everyone burst into laughter and he barely was able to say this line without laughing

[@JadeEye3314]

"So.. You expected the obviously angry troll to not split your skull after beheading it's offspring right Infront of it..?"

[@beardedoctopug8313]

I had one that was " okay so you found a crockpot the size of your torso

[@CookiehsAndDreams]

"I mean, their cleric is busy petting a giant lizard, so the paladins are just kinda watching her." if it isn't already obvious, my cleric character found a giant lizard in a dungeon and couldn't resist petting it.

[@SamWeltzin]

In one campaign I was part of, a player asked, "Is this a door?" The DM replied, "No, that's a vampire."

[@Justinius117]

The Cult of Rick Astley is now the state religion after a time skip.

[@lechking941]

OH GOD!

[@Justinius117]

@@lechking941 oh God indeed

[@RavenheartIndustries]

well they did not let them down...

[@yaboicheshire868]

No, you cannot convince the succubus into a three way with you and the drider to her left

[@samloyd9287]

Something I said as a player: “Can I roll sleight of hand to tie my rope to (the tabaxi gloomstalker ranger’s) tail so I don’t lose track of him?” Since he was a gloomstalker, he was invisible in the dark. Even to the party.

[@deepseastonecore3017]

If you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew , you knew season 1 me, we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot

[@Atma_Weapon]

these stories are why we love DnD. thanks for wrapping up a long day with some humor, brian.

[@silvercade2184]

Thank you for cracking me up several times. It's both the stories and your artistic naration.

[@snowmanmanvideo]

Had mine running a session last night. "The giant octopus chambers over the stone railing, slowly crawling up to the [30ft tall, missing face] statue." Later followed by: "You look through the arrow slit and see the octopus climbing up the statue, into the void of its face and dissapearing" Curse of Strahd, player had the teeth of Dalvar nahr and summoned a mage, a spectre, and a giant octopus. In the amber temple.

[@Gh0stWh33l]

Look Ma, I'm on Mr. Ripper! Anyway, since you liked the last ones here's 2 more. As a DM: "Jerry isn't going to be your friend because you tried to eat him not 5 minutes before!" Said to the player of an agressively Omnivorous Kenku, a young child. He still tried to iniaite friendship, which led to Jerry the Cultist yell "He's still Staring At Me!" As a Player, said to me: "The encounter is over guys, the Druid just killed all the water spiders! I can't believe you had that spell prepared, NOBODY has that spell prepared!" Said after I decided to cast Create or Destroy Water on Water Elemental Spiders. This was the 2nd time the DM had gotten my druid stuck in water that acted like spiderweb. I decided to get rid of the web... and by coincidental extention the spiders. Years later, he would do the same to me when I threw an actual Water Elemental at him. One failed con save after half a fight later and guess who got the last laugh? That's right, the both of us.

[@superiorrule34]

No you can’t eat your way out of the dragon.

[@travisbishop782]

There is a hell of a story with that one.

[@kaemonbonet4931]

One of my players shouted last session, " we have to save my baby daddy cause I ain't gonna raise no child." For context, one of my players got impregnated by a fey who wanted "your firstborn." When the player said, "ok let's do this," I had to pause, shrug , and admit that was my fault.

[@lechking941]

XD well i mean you GOT to respect them for going so full hog on it. fey gets what they want party got their intrests, and a knocking.

[@ayimzay]

"in the heat of battle no, you cannot get sturdy." my dm gave me a magic bow that lets me make a performance check before the attack roll to see if i get sturdy, and on success, the arrow does 1d8 explosive on hit. a goblin rushed past me prompting an opportunity attack, which is when i asked if i could roll the performance check.

[@magenstaffarts]

"Alright, I'm going to need you to roll Arcana to see how to use the ancient Stardragon Laser." "Okay, so you're going to try to Thunderwave this jackass dwarf into lava?" "Okay since you're so in tune with nature, roll Animal Handling to not have the Lava Flail Snails freak the frick out and attack."

[@vanillalove44]

"No, you cannot burn down the mansion with the bandits inside it."

[@Smok_Argus]

Our DM: *sighs loudly* Roll for nature to ascertain the type of wood the door is made out of. We made him say this several times now.

[@runikvarze6191]

"How many halflings were in that bag again? Seven? Congratulations. You just gained 700 XP from their deaths."

[@dragonriderabens9761]

HOLY COW!!! I didn't think my dragon water balloon story was interesting enough to make it in A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one

[@theofficerfactory2625]

Just what was going on with that one?

[@EssentialNPC]

Did they pop it?

[@dragonriderabens9761]

@@EssentialNPC Not quite The plan worked, but instead of popping it, we just disintegrated its head

[@dragonriderabens9761]

@@theofficerfactory2625 Ok, so, what happened was that we were tasked to take down a dragon that had been terrorizing the nearby village The color was unknown and we were TOLD is was a juvenile Turns out, it was an adult green Needless to say, we were not prepared So, we decided to get...creative The party consisted of: -my 9ft dragonborn barbarian (DM ruled him a large size. that plays a role later) -a kobold bard (later to become his GF) -a kobold sorcerer (I think? some kind of caster) -a irreverent human revenant -a variant human bard So, the plan was to have the revenant cast redwood expansion on my barbarian, causing him to grow 2 sizes He would then grapple the dragon and hold it still while the human bard cast Dimension Door to the bottom of the ocean (the bard HAD been there. don't ask) It had been ruled earlier that the pressure from the bottom of the ocean was so immense it could bread down the normally one way nature of a dimension door and create an impromptu Decanter of Endless Water set to geyser. (aka a water cannon) We my barbarian would stick the dragon's snout into the geyser forcing it to take in the water, and would refuse to let go This would leave the water only one place to go Due to time constraints, the DM just had the dragon's head disintegrated and a large hole in its lair instead Fun fact: the dragon's hoard was in copper It was...IIRC about 1000 platinum of copper He didn't go by the normal 10 system, and instead went my 100 So, that was one billion copper

[@EssentialNPC]

@@dragonriderabens9761 Sweet!

[@Thywolfthespian]

The DM proundly declaring, after making roll everything under the sun after getting several nat 20's on disguise, bluff, and perform as they inspected my kobold hiding under towershield pretending to be a table to avoid arrest, rolls a nat 1 on move silently "The guards arrest the talking table"

[@notamaperson5849]

DM: a fly appears near you PARTY: *panicking* This was a level 6 party

[@leekonze7441]

"You can now identify any building materials, but only if you're thrown into said building material." Said to me by my old Shadowrun GM because my Elf gunslinger adept had a tendency to be thrown into things

[@lordflarp1837]

“Fine. You beat the seven foot tall demon in Rock Paper Scissors and he lets you pass.” The demon was supposed to be a mini-boss for my party to try out their new weapons on, and they rolled a D20 on persuading it to play them in Rock Paper Scissors instead of fighting.

[@schwarzerritter5724]

My warlock convinced a miniboss that a god arranged us to fight for his amusement, and therefore, there was no possible outcome of this fight that won't be bad for him (which, as far as we knew, was actually exactly what was happening). The DM went through his notes for 5 minutes before allowing me to roll Persuasion.

[@lechking941]

@@schwarzerritter5724 so you basicly just DMed the DM

[@schwarzerritter5724]

@@lechking941 There where clues this was happening. So either the DM did not expect us to figure it out this fast, or he decided our interpretation was better than what he came up with.

[@lechking941]

@@schwarzerritter5724 i mean you also have both of thoes points as the reasioning but how did the mini boss take it?

[@schwarzerritter5724]

@@lechking941 I rolled a dirty 20 on persuasion, which was enough for him to let us go. He did make me swear a magic oath not to reveal the location of his cave. He was not actually evil, but he believed circumstances left him no other choice but to fight us. So we even managed to win a potential ally.

[@GuukanKitsune]

"...so, lemme get this straight. You want to cut off the dead yeti's jingly bits so you can get them bronzed, fill the bronze shell in with steel, and make them into a flail." This weapon did end up being made. It was also enchanted with fire damage. Our dwarven barbarian LOVED using this weapon, which led to many instances of the following unbelievable sentence: "You whip out your big burning brazen balls and smack it across the face with them." and many references to 'beating it with my/his huge hot heavy balls" He named it the Sack Attack. In the same campaign my antics got the DM to say 'DID YOU JUST STEW THAT HAG?!' incredulously. She tried to leap over her cauldron of Soylent Stew to attack me, I made my Reflex and Strength checks, caught her, and pinned her down in her own cauldron of stew while everybody proceeded to cube her for more stew meat.

[@kyleRutledge-ec2of]

"yes, yea you can snort the.. the dead cultist ash" "i.. its smells like lavender..?.."

[@lostzodiacproductions]

I take quotes for my dungeon party. They go into a Google doc that all the players have access to. I rather enjoy having the quote books, mostly because it allows me to remember the stupidest things my players (and I) have said. My players favorite quote from me is probably "it's a roast beef sandwich," Context about that quote. One of my players had taken a hit, they asked me how much damage they took. At the time I was eating a roast beef sandwich. Before I answered that question another player asked what I was eating. So I answered that one, "it's a roast beef sandwich," which made the entire party laugh. (We play on zoom and the player who asked what I was eating asked through private chat. Which made it even funnier, because I then had to explain why I said what I did,) Anyway, it's now a running joke that happens ten to eleven times in a campaign. Though my personal favorite quote is probably "No, let him blow himself up," One of my players, the character's name is Ace, was trying to get rid of a powder that could kill the NPC they were all attached to. Instead of giving it to someone to use it for medicine, he took it outside and tried to light it on fire. When that didn't work he used fireball to try and light it on fire and/or blow it up. One of the other players asked the NPC (who was watching this from her window while getting ready for a VERY important meeting) if he should stop Ace. WITHOUT HESITATION I answered "No, let him blow himself up," in the end he didn't die. Though he was very close to it. In either context I was not prepared to say either of those things. To say the least, I was completely dying from laughter in both cases.

[@filipeamado5077]

(In a Futuristic campaign) DM: the door is blocked shut. Player: I utilize my newly acquired X-ray device to look through the door. DM: roll for insight and, since it is your first time using the device, dexterity. *Rolls a 19 on insight and 1 on dex. Player: So? DM: So as you accidentally turn the device on at full power, you insightfully deduce that you now have testicular cancer.

[@BlitzAce987]

BBEG making a Speech My paladin: You're Talking some Mad Shit For Someone in Crusading Distance

[@TheRaven_200]

"As the Kobold is about to fall unconscious, he says, 'The bathroom is that way,' while pointing to the east window in the yellow house."

[@machspeed5025]

I had fully prepared this response for just the right occasion Me DM: "You successfully seduce the red dragon. Roll a con save" Horny Bard player: "wha-what?..." Me: "I typically do a fade to black in these sorts of scenarios, but instead, I'm going to get you to create an account on any furry porn site of your choosing, then search for the tags 'male dragon' and 'through and through penetration'. That is what will follow for the next *checks watch* 2 hours. The party looks on horrified as you are submitted to becoming a fleshlight for what is essentially a barbed tree trunk." *looks to the cleric* "are there any healing spells you would like to cast?"

[@SuperNovaDragonYT]

Oh no, the bard is broken

[@lechking941]

@@SuperNovaDragonYT fucking bounis points if the bard was already furry *weezing* but FUCK poor bards gonna be broken for like, i think years of their life... maybe even sent into a path of mindlessly looking ot get turned into a dragon for it :P

[@SuperNovaDragonYT]

@@lechking941 Holy crap baskets, I was making a meme through the our table, it's broken format but your reply is even more gold in a sense.

[@lechking941]

@@SuperNovaDragonYT XD lol lets just say i do live in the furry side of the internet when im not here in normie space :P

[@thanetastic5608]

Should I even dare *ask* why you had that prepared?

[@ThePodgen]

“You successfully convince a whole county of people that you are the abyssal demi god that they live for and have been worshiping for hundreds of years" The guy rolled a nat 20. That 1 roll changed the course of the whole game. They now travel around the galaxy getting people to join their religion.

[@godofzombi]

You can't bang the banditmid-fight. Me: "Hold my Charm spell." Or failing that: "Hold person."

[@jmcop30]

"You rub the soap all over the other orc's body, you may now try to push him out of the hole... with advantage."

[@lechking941]

hm not as problematic as you think

[@jmcop30]

@@lechking941 They were in jail and one of the players insisted on finding soap as a joke, didn't think it'd actually be helpful.

[@lechking941]

@@jmcop30 lol soap is good, hell even if ya wish to just get ya ass clean for once in the blue for being on the road most of the time.

[@daisy3525]

I was a player in this campaign, but the story stands: DM: "You... Successfully convinced the mimic that the only thing it's able to eat is wood." DM, later, in the same campaign, to the same player: "..... You successfully convinced the new mimic that its only capable of eating metal." PC became known in our party as "the mimic whisperer" 😂

[@TheDragoon59]

"Because you sat on the fire for so long, the pressure in your hidden compartment builds up to a point where the remaining water flash boils....and you blast the carcass crab eggs out your ass, coating your companions in mucus and rotten yolk." So I let my players have a bit of fun and be a little goofy, with few/no rolls, and some RP while they setup camp. Biggest mistake ever knowing what my players are like and what they had. After defeating a carcass crab, our Brilliant Warforged Artificer decided to let our Bard insert the Carcass Crabs eggs found in its nest from the previous battle into his hidden compartment (located in his rear) in order to "be the first warforged to create life! /give birth". The bard then Nat 20'd on convincing the Warforged player to sit on the fires edge in order to incubate them. We all had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard as i tired to choke out the description of the event between gasps for air. Good times.

[@lalunemaudite3663]

"so, you just mom-ed the flesh abomination to death" -Me, who just wanted to run a horror one-shot.

[@brani9504]

“You can not hold action: shit on the dinner table” it took me a second. Then I cracked up. 😂😂😂

[@12allover]

“The Kraken swallows you whole” said to the Elven Ranger, who was attempting his best Jack Sparrow impression by vaulting himself into a Krakens gaping maw and attempting to “stab it from the inside”

[@lechking941]

did he do it though? like did the thing DIE from him doing that even if it send him to davy jone's locker.

[@justinwalters3088]

This was me to one of my players in the prior session, "no, you can not sharpen the crocodile corpse"

[@carsonspringer3860]

Spamming the word "moist" in chat over 8400 times and occasionally "release the kraken" Gotta love copy and paste hot keys

[@vortega472]

Me: You guys want me to DM next. Okay but remember it's for this campaign only - after I want to go back to playing a character. My last words before becoming the forever DM.

[@joshuaridgway3230]

“You successfully slit the necromancer dungeon boss’s throat while pretending to be his zombie barber.”

[@xavierbehrens3015]

Heres a line my DM said after someone decided to judge the quality of a sandwich: "It's... The best sandwich you've ever seen. Though I'm not sure you've even seen a sandwich before."

[@ethakis]

"Let me make an intelligence check for this corn." I'm fucking dead

[@Gmann2021]

no,cleric, you cannot have an antimatter rifle.

[@poorrichard9123]

The Dm asking my gusmith artificer with newly acquired broom of flying, "So you are a jet fighter." DM later on, " You want to dogfight a dragon?"

[@smocast738]

In a one-off I did in middle school the DM I was with was very cool and knew the game well. He allowed me to worship my own god as a cleric, leading to the line: "So you worship.. a duck.. with alcoholism?"

[@dnowling6915]

DM: “Alright FINE, the mob boss is named Don Giorno and you can call him D’giorno for short” Party Paladin investigating magical drug ring “Mr. D’giorno, do you really expect me to believe you didn’t deliver these drugs?” DM: “i regret this choice”

[@SuperNicktendoEntertainment]

My brother is DMing a game of Tomb of Annihilation right now. There's a Warlock in their party that has been masquerading as a Wizard. They started at level 1. They're level 9 now. THEY STILL DON'T KNOW. Anyway, he's patroned to a Lich God (I think Gargoth was the name? I'm still new to most DnD gods lore) and at one point, PC got friendly with members of an opposing god's church to the point where he wanted to learn more about them. My brother decided to mute his mic (online game) during a break and come up with ways for Gargoth to punish his loyal disciple. He then looked at the clock, it was around 9:30 or so. He then found himself saying the words "At 10:00, I blow up a church"

[@Orncaex]

Me to one of my players: "Yes the Hostage in the bag, that you were hired to save, can be swung like a club. Roll a wisdom to remember the contents are... Ah that's a natural 1. Yeah your minimum roll kills the goblin... And the hostage...."

[@mr.izuarel7910]

"i hope this is the last time i say: you successfully ate Strahd"

[@bacontricks2781]

"You send a baguette into his large intestine"

[@EssentialNPC]

Was this against an enemy?

[@wyattryerson2923]

Wasn’t me that said this, but still funny anyway. “YOU KNOW WHAT? You can have a reality bending intimidation once per session!”

[@Fox124-n6l]

I remembered I was playing dnd for the first time for fun with a friend. (Playing as a DM and a character) My character had a cursed arm and I accidentally summon a fireball at point blank range, I survive but fell unconscious I was thankfully save by some nurses, put onto a bed and the nurses made sure to keeping me stabilised. Once I woke up I notice my legs were in front of me not connected to my body. (my legs got blown off) The nurses were trying to figure out a way to fix me and my friend was a little worried about my condition. I was like "no worries, I can fix this then cast mending to mend my legs back" then got teleported 1km away.

[@FNIGTOABN]

Doing a superhero homebrew thing. Most powers are homemade. Me and my friend made two characters each and are taking turns DMing to figure the world out and how our characters met before we see if anyone wants to join a game. I started by having his characters reading the newspaper with their Alfred. They hear screaming outside and when they get outside they roll initiative. I had two homemade elementals that basically just had every spell that was of their element. All the characters were only level 3 though. Behind them were children and in front of them were four dire wolves. It went wolves first, my fire guy, his barbarian, my earth guy, who just made a earth barrier around the kids. His second characters power is essentially to target someone and charm them to give into their worst instincts and suggestions to do those things work. When we rolled it out it worked on three of the four wolves. He said "eat your own shit". I was shocked initially but kinda loved the idea. I said "so three of the wolves run away back out of the towns border to the last place they shat." I had my earth guy make a border wall with mold earth to keep the wolves out. The townfolk and government weren't mad. Then the element duo asked for help solving a serial murder.

[@williamlittle3325]

Critical Role c2. Matt Mercer said "How do I want to do this". His own npc killed the bbeg in the cathedral fight.

[@dariusriddle5223]

DM'd a Pokémon themed DND session with my friends, some of the more notable quotes are: "You already murdered a man! Why do you care if the car battery still has battery acid in it!?" "We actually don't sell grilled cheese, but we have a grilled cheese shake if you want that!" "Congratulations you committed arson on the first session." "The trash can comes alive and tries to flee!" PC: "Can we adopt him? Please!?" My DMNPC: "you literally trapped me in a trash can, lit my hair on fire, and rolled me down a hill!" PC: "but he fell out of the sky and has no friends!" DM: "No, stop trying to commit arson!" PC: "man, you are no fun. If you let us commit crimes you wouldn't keep asking!" DM: "if I let you commit crimes, this would be a short campaign."

[@taekwonditto]

I finally have a story to go along with this. My Thieves Quest campaign, the players are doing a sidequest where they have to protect a wagon full of food crates from bandits as it travels to the neighboring town, and this was of course a horse-drawn wagon sorta deal. For whatever reason, the Druid/Rogue really wanted to name the horses. And I kept refusing them, up to the point where I blurt out “For the last, you are not going to name a horse! It’s just a horse for a sidequest!” I ended up giving up the argument and they named them anyway. Now the party has access to riding horses as fast travel to towns they previously visited

[@jamesdriffield3106]

“The awesome rendition of wonderwall calms the guards and they stop stabbing Adam”

[@krysbingham2501]

"Do you have Lycandwarfy" the centaur does not understand disguises at all

[@drewfrankenberg6473]

“So, you want to cause the dino to let go of you at just the right moment to avoid the hotplate of death? Roll me an acrobatics check!”

[@darkphoenix539]

"No your Bard cannot use STD as a Weapon"

[@Eddiember]

*Me, misunderstanding my Players:* "Hold on. You want to mount your rifle on his Shoulders? Ok, roll Tinkers Tools check." Player: "Is it a monster?" DM: "Your 24 and play D&D! Do I seriously have to tell you what a Gazebo!?!" *While playing Basketball against Ogres* "He still thinks she (one of the players) is the basketball, soooo, I guess he tries to dribble her." (Two nat 20 Attacks later) "And to everyones surprise, the force of the dribble is so powerful, she bounces. Is anyone going to try to intercept the ball as he appears to be going for a slamdunk?" *sign* "I have finally made your characters life long dream of becoming a vegatable a reality." "Pocket Snake! Sheshesheshesha." "Oh my god... Fine, the Snake goes into your pants instead. Happy?" "Being dead does not count as a long rest." "Yes, it (A Red Dragon) evacuated its bowels, though your not sure if that happened before or after your cut its head off." Player 1: "I am going to investigate his (Player 2) extra parts." (Rolls before I can say anything) Player 2: "With your eyes, right?" Me (DM): "Investigating with your eyes is Perception."

[@Something.Go0fy]

"You.. befriend the Litch.. with your calculator" Basically my character befriended a cr21 Litch with a nat20 Persuasion check. I was using my calculator to help my roll, which I had invented the moment before

[@bunnys9704]

A session started with a fairly tough combat and ended with my warlock going on a date with the captain of the guard. They spent a very spicy night together. The DM concluded the session with "And as you two share the night and we fade to black, this might be the strangest moment to say this, but welcome to level 7" What followed were comments along the lines of: "Wow, the warlock really knows what shes doing huh?"

[@fivestringslinger]

Party enters a combat after a demonstration of a portable teleportation circle goes wrong and unleashes several demonic creatures into the town square. Prior to this, Druid was checking out the produce merchant's wares nearby. On her turn, she grabs her sling, loads it with a turnip from the cart, and fires at the nearest creature that had already taken heavy damage from a hit from Barbarian... crit. "All right. Please describe for us all what it looks like as you kill this infernal hellspawn with a turnip."

[@cblazerc]

"The blood tastes like... blood." DM to my brother in a one shot.

[@jsbwf4186]

I’ve been a Dm for a cyberpunk red game with friends and the one thing I remember is saying “ as you one winged angle her you hear her neck snap ( one winged angle is a finishing move for pro wrestler Kenny Omega and he’s my friends favorite) The same friend kicked a bandit in the nuts

[@DocEJ]

"Stop trying to pay taxes please" DM literally just told us that he didn't want to hold the session with inconsequential stuff like that. Buuut our entire lawful party didn't want to break any laws, just to be sure.

[@lycanAbyss]

DM: your friends have all handed their weapons over to the guards. Are you sure you want to cast fireball at the guards?" wizard: "yes" (Fast forward about 5 mins.) DM: "so you're unarmed, shackled and surrounded by guards, are you sure you want to try and cast a light spell?" Wizard: yep DM: "you start casting the spell, the shackles on your wrist making it hard to make the hand signs, you feel a hand on your shoulder and a voice whispers in your ear... (in my guard voice, deep and gravelly.) The moment you try casting anything we WILL cut you down where you stand."

[@dr4c0r3x5]

A player first soul swapped with a half dragon orc, then started to be worshiped by a band of Kobolds. The DM slammed his hand into the table, "NO YOU CANNOT USE A KOBOLD AS A FLESHLIGHT!"

[@phoenix55755]

As the DM: You have successfully cut the chimeras balls off, and yes, you can make the sack into a helmet. (Player was a halfling rogue who was under the chimera.)

[@meliasnahtony2951]

"Somehow, you seduced the boulder, and managed to remove it from your path. Constitution check."

[@TheRaven_200]

Said by a town guard very weakly: "Unmm, no. I didn't shit my pants... You shit my pants."

[@postapocalypticnewsradio]

PANR has tuned in.

[@SneakySn3ak]

I was the dm for a Norse mythology campaign I wrote and we were fighting a frost giant. I hat to tell my friend who was playing a half-ork druid that he is not allowed to bite the frost giants ankles but I let him roll anyway. Nat 20

[@alexmartinez5859]

Not me but my DM. There was an aarakocra NPC who was cursed with a 25% possibility of a chicken being magically appearing in a bag whenever one was opened close to him. I was sitting close to him and lo and behold, a nat 2 luck roll from my lightfoot halfling (I’ve unfortunately never had the Nat 1 to Nat 20 phenomenon happen to me, yet) means as I open up a bag with food in it, there is a chicken staring my character in the face. Now another PC is a reincarnation of another player’s first character and hates chickens, both as an animal and as food, and vice versa. Now what would happen if a magically teleported/appearing chicken were to be placed in the same area as the character that has a mutually sustaining hate-hate relationship with chickens? If you would have guessed my character being knocked out by a sleep spell from another PC, another PC being able to keep the chicken asleep after the sleep spell wore off by swinging it in his arms, and the character who is always at war with chickens taking the first point of damage because of the chicken’s rampant pecking because the rolls seemed to not behave in our first proper session, leading to the DM saying the immortal words, “I’m not rolling initiative for a f*cking chicken!”, then you’d be correct.

[@failkingofguitar559]

"No, sleeping with the kings wives, will not in fact, improve your relationship with their faction." "Sleeping with his daughter also won't."