Do Addicts/Alcoholics Regret Losing You?

Sometimes you must decide to put distance between yourself and an addicted loved one. It's a very difficult decision and usually comes after MANY failed attempts to help the person. It's totally heartbreaking💔 for you, but do they feel sad about it? Do they realize why you had to create distance? This video'll discuss how the addicted person views the situation.
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[@PutTheShovelDown]

Watch the video on Betrayal Trauma 👉🏻👉🏻kzbin.infogbo88_Bko3A?feature=share and here's the link to the video on Polyvagal 👉🏻👉🏻kzbin.info/www/bejne/i4iboJ-on7Sel8U

[@lrose1046]

i appreciate what u do, but this isnt true AT ALL. We may seem like we dont understand, but we do. When we get pissed and blame you, we are actually pissed at ourselves. Unless you are drunk, on meth, or on other drugs that put u in a state of psychosis, u are fully aware of the hell u are causing.

[@melissavanness7046]

The grief is overwhelming.

[@tonirad9577]

Yes it sure is ! ❤

[@jenb9274]

My son lost his battle with alcohol. He was 29. Your channel was a huge resource for me while I was feeling helpless, as I watched him self destruct. Thank you for bringing light to the darkness of addiction.

[@Free-flyBE]

I'm so sorry; dealing with this now myself. It just seems like boys won't listen after a certain age:(

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I’m so sorry about your son. Addiction is taking far too many of our sons and daughters. You poor your heart and soul into your child and it’s horrible to watch them turn into a different person right on front of your eyes. Sending you my prayers ❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏

[@susanreed9173]

I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss! Sending so much strength and peace your way. 💔❤️‍🩹

[@jenb9274]

Thank you for your prayers

[@ChuckEcheese-c3f]

My condolences to you and your family im so sorry for your loss 😓🙏❤️

[@madelinemaize1426]

As the partner of a cocaine addicted alcoholic for years. Finally, after 4 stints in rehab, pretending to go to AA meetings and continuing on the same destructive path, I told him to leave. It was my house. That took months, with him giving every excuse in the book. Once he was out, I'd find him passed out on my front door step in the morning. By that point in this rodeo, I just pushed the door open against his body, stepped over him, and went to work. He stalked me for 4 years. Yes, their brains are changed by addiction. Understanding that intellectually, even loving them, doesn't mean you need to accept the behavior to your own detriment.

[@Wakame44]

What I’d like to see is just one addict who took the time to take an honest look at themselves. Why should we walk on eggshells around these people and try to understand them? I plan to stay well away and leave them to the consequences of their own behavior.

[@thegoddesswithin8859]

I don't think they even notice that they are losing you. But afterwards in more sober moments I think they feel shame.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I totally agree! 💯

[@debbiebaker1438]

It’s very sad isn’t it. 😢

[@debbiebaker1438]

Great video. Thanks

[@thegoddesswithin8859]

@@debbiebaker1438 I was devastated. I was in love with my partner. But I also had to look at what I deserve in relationships and reciprosity was something that was important to me. Radical acceptance had to come into it. That person wasn't capable of reciprocity at that time and acknowledging that helped me a lot to let go.

[@warrorG]

hvata hak

[@h.g.5141]

Spirits - literal spirits entering through the use of alcohol. 🙏🏻💗

[@northwoodszilly3036]

Evil spirits

[@jenniferrivera5461]

I waited 15 years for my ex to make changes. We made up and broke up hundreds of times. I wasted so much time, energy and years only for him to continue his heroin and fent addiction. Nothing ever changed and if it did it was only for a few days. Live and learn.

[@jocelynnowen3078]

I’m an old timer in AA. Your story is the norm, unfortunately. You are not alone. We are with you

[@kb-vw9ix]

Crazy how some of the most hurtful experiences in my life…. He don’t even remember them….

[@belovedsage7731]

Ya it sucks because their reality is widely different than ours😢

[@arlayaswan8320]

This hurts so bad

[@lightbulb888]

😢

[@ebrennie]

I left my alcoholic yesterday and said exactly these words to him. Told him he’s said things to me while he was drunk that will haunt me the rest of my life. I have TRD. When it gets very bad, I just hear him saying all those terrible things in my mind. I had to leave. I’d eventually commit suicide if I stayed, he tears me down so badly drunk, and I already have a terrible disease doing that to me. Breaks my heart that it’s my own partner who I trusted hurting me in such a dark and twisted way. I don’t know where I will go. I am unemployed. (partly thanks to his addiction.) I am terrified to go to a homeless shelter, but I don’t know what else to do at this point. Meeting him completely upended my life.

[@kb-vw9ix]

@@ebrennie , I hope u find the resources u need to rebuild….. Definitely get into some community to help lift u up… I’ve been volunteering at some community stuff and am really enjoying it…..

[@michelecorigliano7687]

Thank you so much for your videos. I am struggling with letting my ex go. He chose alcohol over me and listening to you helps me understand the disease and getting past all the trauma. He is a good man but alcohol controls him. And all the love and forgiveness and support to get better never even made a dent. In fact, I believe he treated me with contempt for loving him. Alcohol is poison. But thank YOU for doing what you do. It is so very helpful and appreciated.❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So sorry you had to go through such heartbreak, Michele, but I'm glad these videos are helping a little. 💖

[@gmotanga]

OMG thanks for sharing your story. I am dealt with the same thing. It is really hard because the person treats you so well that you find it hard to make such decision. I like what you said that they treat us with contempt for loving them and feeling guilty of leaving because of the treat we receive from them. That had had strange behaviors that it's going to take me a whole year to explain. Be strong beautiful!

[@viviannguyen3260]

Same here I tried so hard to save him. Alcohol is everything to him.

[@Brittany12579]

Me too!

[@katielauraashton1468]

Same here. I just left today, I was torn up, he looked relieved.

[@jasonwoodward3697]

I can say coming out of addiction 7 months ago, my addiction cost me my wife/kids. I know without a doubt that I deeply miss my wife and children. I know the price they paid for my sobriety. It hurts me today, that I couldn’t recognize that I had a problem before I destroyed everything.

[@jocelynnowen3078]

AA here Jason. Don’t leave❤

[@belindamarie5557]

Keep on being there best person you can be! You are worth it! Hopefully you can reconnect with your family and build a positive future with them!

[@kathyendemann8109]

That's so sad

[@Angelarc33]

Your past doesn't need you, you're future does though.

[@TheNmv2728]

Forgive yourself. You are a better version of yourself now.

[@DenniConner]

Been with my husband 47 years and about 20 years of dealing with addiction. Listening to you I feel heard. I am so sad to see this happen to him, but have to disconnect legally (have been emotionally disconnected for a dozen years at least). Thanks for what you do.

[@TerfBashingMFer8021]

Just let go f him, you can’t live all people really yiur just wasteing your life, make them jealous and don’t be around anymore. These people have to learn!!

[@jayhulrs1435]

Amber this really helped me feel less rejected and less abandoned by my alcoholic. He ruined our relationship but still wouldn’t get help. I’m always blaming myself… but this really helps. You are a blessing to so many. ❤️

[@karyperkovic9437]

It was a year of sobriety, and I had my real son back again. Then he relapsed over the last several weeks. I miss him, and I'm devastated!

[@conniegaby6275]

🙏seek Jesus. 🥲

[@ansleyhance3072]

This video is so real!! When I first disconnected with my addicted love one he told me that he could see me trying to love him and was doing everything I could to keep the home together but he just couldn’t “do anything about it.” Then after I disconnected fully the one time he tried to talk to me it was so manipulative and self pitying- didn’t consider my feelings at all! I was so hurt and vexed by all this but this video puts a new perspective on it. Thank you for the work you do!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you, Ansley. I'm so glad this was helpful!💓

[@Liz-in8lu]

I’m getting the same verbiage! He says look how you take care of me and thank you, then in the next breath that he’s not changing and to accept him how he is…

[@ThePossumone]

Yes it’s not personal 😢

[@arlayaswan8320]

Experiencing similar feeling about the same reaction

[@tripdeelets]

Besotted is the joker from Batman. Amber just found your video ❤ I broke up with my boyfriend because it was continual cocaine and infidelity😢 I’m learning how to heal. It’s hard to choose yourself when after when you been looking after someone

[@ashleyszyszkowskiashspract7153]

My partner is now going on 2 years sobriety, but man, when he was in active addiction, your videos helped me so much! You’re just wonderful! I sing your praise to any one that will listen. You helped me! He had to help himself, but I had my own work to do! Some of the toughest work I’ve ever had to do in my life! Today, we are still together. And I’m a new me…someone I like so much more! Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you, Ashely. for the positive feedback and support. I'm so happy to hear that you're both doing better! Nice work!!!

[@jocelynnowen3078]

Another miracle

[@katherinebragg9166]

I watched my husband die of alcoholism at 27 in jail. I watched his bf die by blowing his head off. I watched my dads addiction to alcohol all my life, he blew his head off at 60. I heard about my nephew die of a heroin addiction at 32. I too ended up drinking heavily. I now have a son or two in addiction. I got cleaned up years ago. I prayed, God moved. I pray for any and all family members in addiction. God has called me to help addicts quit. No letters after my name, but I'm a graduate of the school of hard knocks

[@Lynn-u6r]

How

[@victorial8764]

Saying a prayer right now for you all ❤

[@miguelb6282]

I was in denial for so long about my partner being an alcoholic. I would say he just over does it when he did drink. But it was incident after incident, and suddenly it was a pattern of behaviour. I tried to be supportive but it put such a dampener on my mood he then used that to say that he felt like the relationship wasn't working and it was because of me. It hurts because I still believe he has a heart of gold, but this addiction is ruining his life. I feel like I'm grieving. Your videos have helped me to understand him better as painful as it is.

[@megsley]

7:04 something else to consider here, at least with alcohol, is that the alcoholic's blood sugars are probably hugely out of whack because of all the alcohol. so, when theyre not drinking their blood sugars plummet which contributes to irritability and agitation.

[@fullgallupfarms]

20 yrs, never really understanding the distance and coldness. But yet he will be "normal " to other people or colleagues. But fast frustration with me just asking a question in a normal tone. What comes from the heart, comes out of the mouth. Finally filed! Really hard decision! He is a high achiever but in debt, doesn't see he's his own enemy with money, then says" I can't work any harder".. well, hellooo.. I've never moved so much in my life in 15 yrs. No thanks!

[@catcat5280]

Yes Amber is such a blessing for all of us who have to deal with family members who just wont get help.

[@FullOf3n3rgy]

Thank you so much for explaining the mechanics of addiction, an addicted person can make you really feel like you are going crazy especially when it's a loved one and you see their good side too which kind of just makes everything worse, it just makes you believe and hope recovery is possible however it always just feels like an endless battle you just can't win. It's sad yet liberating, but you just made me realize it's all about their perception of the world and that I shouldn't take it personally, however backing up sometimes is just the only solution since this type of persons just drain your soul. Bless you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome! I'm so happy this was helpful!

[@lisabeyer5802]

Oh my God that's exactly what my husband says "I do so many good things why do you have to focus on this one bad thing?" (the one "bad thing" being crack).

[@talulatree5297]

Word for word, same here.😢

[@Liz-in8lu]

Same here as well. He brings up harmless stuff about me and criticizes me (for being hungry because we never eat together), and thinks it’s the same as his problem. 😢

[@ThePossumone]

Mine too lists all the good things which are true 😢

[@hellosaysandrew]

Yes. What I’ll hear over and over again is “I’m just the worst thing ever, I’m shit.” Mind you, I don’t say that, they say that to me because of how I react to the constant chaos caused by their drinking.

[@laciearnold5644]

Same!! And same with telling me all the things that I do wrong. Compares harmless things I do (me being too close with my mom) to spending $1000 a month on weed and another $500 on cigarettes while I’m struggling to keep food in the fridge.

[@anderson49100]

I pray for space and time to heal. It’s going to take time. I’m 65 and I have to focus on my health and husband now. We aren’t getting any younger and we’ve spent years trying to keep up and we’re just so tired. I miss our grandkids.

[@beckysciortino5264]

I feel like this video helped me to release SOME of my own shame over my husband losing his life to alcohol while in active addiction. I feel awful that I couldn't do more.

[@jocelynnowen3078]

It’s a disease. You didn’t create it and you didn’t cause it. Nobody really understands this demon. Best I know is AA and bad coffee calms it down some. Take care. Don’t leave

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

Their was nothing more you could have done I have just lost my sister to this and I feel the same but I do understand that only the person with the addition can do it it has to be their decision to stop.

[@drialobosco6108]

Your videos have really saved me in post breakup with a functioning alcoholic.

[@Gwen5598]

My ex (drug addict) admitted he wasn’t upset that he screwed up & I was finally done because in his own words.. “I don’t feel anything- I’ve been numb for years” and it was a lightbulb moment tbh- the minute he might’ve hurt- he got high and numbed himself as he’s done most of his life to anything he doesn’t want to feel & deal with 😢

[@aimeemcgee6683]

Thank you for this…. This is exactly what my addict said to me on why he was leaving me and it just hurts so much.

[@PenneyHowell]

My son is incarcerated and he told me two lies about why he could not call me on Mother’s Day, when the truth is they were locked down and he could not call me. But he lied to hurt me and he completely broke my heart, he is my only child. His dad is a narcissist and he told my son not to call me on Mother’s Day to hurt me. I had to move out of state to get away from his dad twenty years ago. I have been divorced from his dad for thirty years and he is still trying to hurt me with my son. My son has been on meth for over 15 years. I am backing away from my son since Mother’s Day.

[@AL-pt5rh]

My heart goes out to you..I have somewhat similar situation as far as narcissistic ex and the control over my son..

[@pandorasboxer]

Even if they realize they lost you because of their addiction, and even if they're sorry; don't be surprised if you never get an apology. They may never apologize or even acknowledge what they've done. Closure is great stuff if you can get it. Give yourself the gift of knowing it may never come from an external source. YOU can create your own closure. You and/or your higher power can do this. It will be real, and lasting. You don't have to wait for acknowledgement that may never come.

[@Hunny5321]

You are so right about how painful this is to hear. I've known it all along, but I bury it. Survival technique I guess. Pretend to be happy to get through the day. Story of my life. I know you will say no, but I want to show him this video. Why can't he see it? Why do I have to let go and know after all this time and all I've done, he won't care? I know I stay for that reason. Just to not feel like I was nothing. I keep waiting for him to show me signs of getting better. When I see them, he just blows up and erases them all. Then he says, as always, "Nothing's ever good enough for you." Because I have made myself the bad guy now. Endless cycle of madness. 😵‍💫

[@jocelynnowen3078]

I’m sort your going through all this. You deserve better

[@kristenmarie9248]

You haven't had enough yet, or you would do something about it. I guarantee you that there are things that you don't know about. We can't save those that we love, and we will destroy ourselves trying.

[@karenc9079]

My husband who is an alcoholic and I have been separated for a year.I still struggle to disconnect.I still love him and miss the person beneath the addiction.He says things like "we just grew apart" and dismisses the impact his drinking has on me and our kids.Everything you said at the start of the video is how it is and understanding how the addiction is works is helping to avoid having conversations with him that he just is unable to understand in active addiction.

[@Wahinies]

They will blame anything but themselves.. Just grew apart is what I literally feel being with the alcoholic.

[@wolfpower1111]

Sibiu e and stay together. But at least protects your financial security.

[@wendyandersen8241]

Thank you Lindsay. My husband who is 73 is struggling with Alcohol Addiction . He went through a 30 treatment 18 months ago. He just experience a relapse just days ago. He was able to get a hold of himself and stop drinking for 5 days now. I pray every day that he can do it. I believe the inpatient treatment did help give him tools. good luck to you.

[@mikeinmelbourne9491]

Thanks Amber - it's a hard truth, but I think it helps healing. I suspect my ex - my Qualifier - has filled their life with drugs, alcohol and partying to distract themselves. They did all the blame shifting and made me the bad guy. Instead, I've focused on my healing. I blocked them and try not to speculate on where they are, what they are doing and what they are feeling. I doubt they even think of me - and while it hurts to feel abandoned, in the end it was not them. The addiction was fully in control.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You’re very wise and brave, Mike

[@peggyhavard1546]

This is So true. Mine marriage of 51yrs. Remarried after meeting this women 5 months! So sad!

[@erinkelley4]

I am going through the same thing with my ex. We were together 11 years. He moved on very easily & quickly while I am still working on healing after two years. Good for us though in removing the insanity and knowing that there is a better life out there for us.

[@mikeinmelbourne9491]

@@erinkelley4 It seems to be the pattern, however I think we can easily assume those new relationships merely continue the same patterns - we escape, while others inherit the "madness" of addiction.

[@AndreaTaylor-o8f]

Thank you I walked away 12 months ago and I was wondering if he regrets it - the answer is obviously no

[@monabarry2862]

Your videos helped give me the knowledge, strength, and confidence to get out of a "deal breaker," dangerous situation. Your videos helped me realize that there was nothing I could do. You're easy to listen to, and you explain addiction issues in an easy, relatable way. Thank you ❤️

[@planningwithjohn]

Since discovering your channel, I've watched many videos, and they have helped me so much. My husband has an addiction to alcohol. It has been one of the most challenging things to go through. I've been reading and learning how to protect myself. It is a day by day process, but it slowly taking shape. Thank you for all you do.

[@r.t.3742]

I'm at work but been listening to these videos. I'm the addict and I felt all the stuff you mentioned. But I did my best to see it from her side. I'm leaving my home. It's supposed to be temporary. I want it to be temporary. The weight of it all knowing this time is here and this is the outcome I feel it's the logical decision. It took days to get to this point. I was mad at her. I thought all the bad things and they all pointed at her. I felt this for years. I actually thought through that somehow and I hate it. I hate I'm leaving my home. I wanted her to leave me alone. Now I'm still addicted but it's different. I can't control my emotions and that's all I ever did. I always blame her. It's never my fault. The strain and hurt while involuntarily crying like a damn baby.... I've done this to her for years. I didn't wanna leave. It's ripping me apart. But logically it's the right decision. And the fact that the worst thing became the best solution is sad. I'm so depressed and don't know how to handle it.

[@aliciatownsend6396]

My boyfriend or ex boyfriend just went to rehab. He broke up with me when he was coming down from a meth binge. Before this most recent relapse he was clean for 8 or 9 days... still wasn't a big fan of me. Months ago, when he was about 10 months clean, I was apparently the love of his life, he wanted to marry me, and all that. Then right before he broke up with me he couldn't stand me, I ruined his life, etc. Not sure how he really feels, or if he'll ever get back to the love point.

[@Free-flyBE]

Thank you for these talks; I know this is an older video but I really needed it today:( My 31 year old, alcoholic son is on a bus up to Chicago with no money, no job, no place & no friends willing to put up with him. After 15 years of his manipulating I just couldn't help him this time when he showed up! I've helped him with 2 apartments in the past 2 years & he just won't hold a job for longer than a month; first paycheck goes to booze. He's a dreamer & thinks he will be famous in the music industry so back to Chicago he goes. He's delusional & just showed up after being kicked out up there - I can't help him anymore!!

[@stephaniesmith5974]

I can’t thank you enough for your videos. The dream of having a daughter only to have her choose drugs has devastated me beyond. Have tried everything 💔 never gave up on her. She’s still using. This kind of pain is crippling. She was a happy healthy child-she has ruined 15 years of her life thus far and my family. I feel so helpless. Ty again.

[@dailyorangepill3338]

Protect yourself...it looks like an "Outdoor Mental Asylum." Drug addicted zombies with mental illness roaming everywhere. The grocery stores, restaurants, street corners, medians, alleyways, hotels, bus & subway systems.

[@lightbulb888]

True that

[@ElysiumDivine]

I feel like everything you described as behaviours of an addict are the same as behaviours of a narcissist. If I recall correctly, they are very similar and that someone couldn't get a proper diagnosis without kicking the addiction first. The anger part made complete sense to me. I know my ex is angry. He knows what he did. He acknowledged that he doesn't deserve my time even though he reached out a while back, but won't state details why he doesn't. I think one reason he's angry is because I outmaneuvered him in one of his plays by holding a boundary he didn't think I would hold and it allowed the breakup to be his decision. He thought I'd be there waiting and when I wasn't he didn't know what to think. Still... it was his choice.

[@jody8133]

I'm so grateful for you! You bring a lot of clarity for me in a very difficult situation and your videos made me see the light on what the situation truly is and gave me the strength to put up boundaries and walk away. I've learned so much from watching your videos and couldn't have done it without you!! Thank you for doing what you do!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Very happy to help!

[@carmencharfauros7017]

Everything that you have stated is so true.....I've heard it all from my ex husband. The one that shocked me was I'm not hurting you just accepted it or leave.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

The denial is absolutely baffling!

[@jocelynnowen3078]

The mind of the practicing alcoholic is evil. My demons doing push ups but I’ve still got 30 years. AA works even if it’s not fashionable anymore. Excuse me. Bad night and this is as close to a meeting as I can get. Thank you

[@Liz-in8lu]

I agree the denial is baffling. And his mind is complete evil, nasty, irrational and condescending.

[@tonirad9577]

​@jocelynnowen3078 You are so right and I hope you keep the upper hand with your demons . I hope my husband will go back to meetings ❤

[@chipomwansa3446]

Hello Amber! So I'm currently struggling with "addiction" and trying to get professional help and came across your channel in the process. It's obviously very useful and insightful for my journey to recovery. I'm in my early early 20s and actually made the decision myself to get professional help. I made this decision because I've seen the dark path in which my usage is taking me. It's destroying my relationships with FAMILY and certain friends, my education, my finances and literally my entire future. That said, I've always strived to be an objective thinker. Or at least that's how I think of myself. So in every negative situation I've found myself in, like being at odds with a loved one for example. Be it oversleeping and failing to take my little sister to school on time or misusing money or lying etc. I try to be as honest with myself as possible in recognizing my wrong and relating it to my usage and effects thereof and just assume responsibility, because they are my wrongs and they're most likely fueled by my addiction which I got myself in. I try to be my biggest critic. Ofc before I got to this stage, I'd just deny it and go on like it's not that serious but I couldn't lie to myself any longer. I'm actually able to recognize denial whenever I speak to fellow users about usage and this acts as a constant reminder that I'm in the wrong place doing a wrong thing with the wrong people. This video has been quite painful to watch, just like many others on this channel for me. Knowing that my Family and good friends might ever feel the need to cut me off breaks my heart.. And reminds me that I really really need to change my ways.. So my questions are: Am I thinking of all this wrongly? Is the addiction playing it's part in this? What can I do better?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Very impressive insight, Chipo! It think it's great that you're so self aware. And I'm very glad you've decided to take action. So far, I think your thinking is on track 🤩 Only one word of caution.... If you don't make changes, then the insight won't be of much help. Keep moving forward. You can conquer this thing. You've probably heard me say this before, but I thought I'd say it once more.... You don't have to hit bottom to beat addiction... You just have to know that you will.

[@chipomwansa3446]

Thank you so much!😭❤️ You have no idea what motivation this has given me. Keep up with your good work. God Bless Shalom.

[@jocelynnowen3078]

@@chipomwansa3446oh just go drink coffee with those social rejects in AA for fun. We miss you.😀

[@Anotherguy1st]

Hang in there! Keep reaching out to the people you love, friends and family. Also try seeking support groups, they can help! People love you and want you to be with them in their lives and I promise they won't mind helping you with your struggle. Don't give up! Even if you fall off the wagon keep trying! It might be hard but your life, family and friends are worth it, stay strong!

[@chipomwansa3446]

Hello again! Just got back from rehab about a week ago. And I must say I feel a whole lot better. Now just trying to adjust to my new life. Thank you once again for all your great work, you change lives!

[@karyperkovic9437]

You are helping me get through my complete broken 💔 heart from my sons relapse after a year.

[@Liz-in8lu]

I’m broken hearted but it’s a guy I was seeing. He lied about it until I started liking him… he breaks my heart every day. 😢

[@jodie-mayrose3231]

They are so busy worrying about themselves, they don't think that way. They may be upset that they can't use you, if anything they blame YOU. One day, maybe down the line, if they sober up, maybe so.

[@Liz-in8lu]

Wow I do feel like he is just using me. If it’s not me to entertain and sleep with him - it’s his dog that gets him.

[@Cordula6]

YES. And then they behave even shittier because of the shame. ++ I have no clue if this is qualified in a way to your video. Your sub-topics to the main box often resonates so intensely that I often need some time to watch them. Thank you for your great work 🌷

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You’re so right, Kerstin! Their Shane makes it so much worse

[@fullgallupfarms]

Don't own their shame! Just keep walking!

[@Cordula6]

@@fullgallupfarms That's a good one. Thanx.

[@DobermanDanK9]

It's extremely validating to listen to your advice and others stories. We all have different stories whether that's marriage, short relationship or even just dating. The rippling effects of addiction have touched us all. My personal story was a childhood with an alcoholic mother, and I recently dated an alcoholic. This alone has given me massive insight on addictions and experiences from being involved with someone who is an addict. The points made regarding seeing glimpses of them, to the pure agony of having to deal with the addict is so relatable. It was so painful to be constantly shut down and told, "you just don't understand". Putting themselves around other addicts and saying "they understand me" (because they've been or are going through the addiction) A massive learning curve for me though. I poured myself into the person, and i lost myself. That was an eye opener for me. Finally, I do find this is all very relatable to attachment theory. Avoidant attachment specifically. Cold responses, push/pull dynamics... "It's not why the addiction, it's why the pain" Dr Gabor Mate

[@lisabrown2634]

My son in prison is very addicted. Early this week he made steps to seek help on his own. He went to a celebrate recovery class, called me excited and motivated. The next day I had to stop answering the phone. He wanted money and had already re fenced all I budgeted for the week. Today I got a F-U and the whole family message. Told me he is not going to anymore meetings. Telling me that like the meeting was for me. I feel myself backing way away. I know he needs communication so I hate that he is fixing to lose that also. Once I close my phone account he won’t be able to call. I’m struggling with making that decision. I’m learning I’m the biggest and only enabler.

[@LisaNorth-b6m]

This makes so much sense for what I’ve been going through. So glad I found you. Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome!

[@joeatunderground8714]

Addiction is one love. Everything else is manipulation to support it. Just my experience in a nutshell. Staying clean so far but still have selfishness issues. Prly wrong but tossing it thought out there.

[@anderson49100]

I’m glad I found your channel. I really need to hear this truth.

[@aliasunderji3428]

Thank you for the honesty and not sugar coating

[@user-fn7en2tw7h]

I wish I would’ve found these videos a year ago. It would’ve my made my life a lot easier. My alcoholic partner abandoned me back in August. This after we got in a fight and I acted completely out of character in that very moment. I became the absolute worst version of myself. He blocked me and my family. I have no idea where he’s at. I was with him when he was at the absolute bottom! Now he’s out there telling people and HIS family that I physically and psychologically abused him which is an absolute lie. Of course he’s not going to tell them about ALL of the things he did to me. I gave him the worst version of myself bc all the best I gave to him at the beginning of the relationship and he never appreciated it nor did he want it from me. I had been holding us down for the past 3 years. I did everything for this guy. Now I’m grieving and blaming myself for everything. 😔 Thank you for your videos. They help me to move forward and center myself.

[@123gp1833]

This video is so significant for me. Such a clear explanation. ❤️.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

❤️❤️❤️

[@alyssajustinmitch]

All this makes total sense to us (parents of a 32 year old crack addict) She is a mother who has lost custody of her 3 children who has a thousand excuses and blame for “her trauma “ and reasons for her addiction. She has intermittent clarity when she is hungry or wants to see the kids. This is very short lived (maybe 1/2 a day). She connects only with other addicts and thinks the internet is her positive influence and has no personal good influences in her life at this point -because she can’t see reason 😢 Very real possibility she will be homeless soon. No hydro, no phone, no job. No money . Still does not see. She is welcome in our lives when sober and wants to get better makes that choice and until then she will be kept at a distance . I try hard not to be the bad guy but it’s so hard to not want to just shake her … grrrr

[@jackiepower2439]

My daughter too. (25-year-old crack addict) It's sad. But after 4 years of trying to help her, now I can't see her, without horrible, ugly anger. It hurts so much that it's come to this. So, I feel it's safer for us both to not see each other.

[@DobermanDanK9]

I find the point you've made regarding seeing other addicts and social media extremely interesting. I dated a woman who was an alcoholic and regarding the addicts, she would say, they understand. Because they are there, or have been there. For the people who haven't had an addiction, "we don't understand." She's also a big user of social media. It's a superficial connection I'm sure to people they don't know.

[@PaulKapow]

I just discovered your channel thanks for helping me help myself. I love my friends who have addictions and I am committed to taking care of myself.

[@arlenebuckley1912]

Watching on replay. You have been so helpful. Thank you so much😊

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@andreflavell3453]

loving a alcoholic is never going to end well . i love a woman that is a alcoholic and in 2 years have witnessed dysfunctional behaviour. . there are moments of joy but only moments. i sailed away to another country. i have stayed in touch for a year and nothing has changed. she went to rehab but that lasted 4 weeks. . she has been a alcoholic for 7 years plus cigarette smoker . it’s definitely taking a physical toll . i worry about dementia setting in to . she lost all her $ her 3 boys and basically homeless

[@outfromtheshadows]

After ten years of sobriety my daughter started drinking again during lockdown. She thinks she’s convinced me it has only been a matter of months. The abuse has started up again but always but always SHE is the victim in her own head. I’ve finally realised that all my attempts to help are utterly futile and the safest thing to do is to step back, otherwise she draws you into the whirlwind of drama and crises over and over again, and I am tired of it all.

[@andreflavell3453]

i know this behaviour all to well

[@outfromtheshadows]

@@andreflavell3453 I’m sorry to hear that, it’s a heart breaking situation which feels hopeless pretty much most of the time.

[@Rebecca-GLaines]

I hope your daughter got her act together ❤ But, put up boundaries, and don't let her EVER break them. Boundaries- what behavior she portrays that you WILL NOT allow in or around your home period.

[@Jamie-zb9jx]

Thank you for your videos they really help. I recently just been manipulated and conned long story short she made me think I was special and she cared. Hard letting go I still miss her and I wish her well

[@terrimoore258]

My husband was on a 3 day drunk and told me leave he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I packed up the dogs and a few thing, but before I left I calmly said you know that I’ve loved you with my whole heart and have nothing wrong. Please know I love you still and I walked out the door. It wasn’t 20 minutes after I left he texted me to come home. I told I’d be back in the morning to talk. He stopped drinking for a little bit. Things were good for awhile and then he started drinking again. It was a roller coaster until I found these videos. I know don’t listen to what he says while drinking. I just say we’ll discuss when your sober. That will usually get him to shut up. Sometimes I do argue with him but I look that as a relapse and start over the next day

[@malewire1263]

I am dealing with the same thing. I am so tired and exhausted. He gets high, and comes back down. On some days I drive to the lake think about just ending it all.

[@Liz-in8lu]

Wow good for you. I used to argue with him when drunk and it was infuriating. I’m going to just stop, give up or leave until he sobers up. This is not okay for us or fair… but idk

[@christinecortes6342]

I can really connect with the lady speaking . I married my husband not knowing there was an issue with alcoholism . I went through seeing an issue and not understanding . Then the door slammed in my face and everything came to light which was hard ! Then went into the seeing all the lies , being that crazy , controlling investigator (so not me!) , then after empty promises and lies I let go of the crazy and turned it all around for me . I finally fought back and would not take the lying , disrespect, name calling , yelling , threats, etc anymore . Gain my power back and that’s when I saw some changes . There’s good and bad but with still all the lies , heart Beatles and seeing my marriage for what it was and is am just tired and don’t want to deal with all this anymore . I know at this point I need help with even being able to get through the trauma of this relationship. I know there’s a good person in there but after - short 4.5 years I’m beat up and always in my head trying to figure it all out which is unhealthy . I’m in a better place but still not me . I don’t think I’ll be free till he stops drinking or I just leave for good . I agree it’s like a battle with the devil to let go of your loved one .

[@victorial8764]

It’s a shame that shame and guilt keep them from coming and trying to apologize and work things out sometimes especially if not in therapy

[@lilianabreceda3730]

I've had two communications since my son left and i saw a glimpse of regret. i have hope and do my best not to take things personal, unless, it's a threat to my safety.

[@rahowherox1177]

Problem is guilt turns to shame and more drugs to suppress the emotion... Then blame .. A vicious circle.

[@veronicaguerra2026]

My boyfriend ( now ex) relapsed several times within our 3 year relationship. I learned how to navigate his relapses watching many videos but your methods seem to be the most effective!!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Veronica! 🤩

[@karencaissie4403]

I started following your advice about 2 months ago by not getting upset with my husband when he drinks allowing him to suffer his own consequences not trying to find out where he is all of the neurotic things I was doing. For the first couple of weeks I thought you were nuts it got much worse he was falling down drunk all the time but I still did not react my life has totally changed with my partner he is still drinking but the insanity has calmed down tremendously. It's like why bother I'm not going to get a reaction from her❤

[@robertmorley3762]

My gosh what an eye opener. You hit all of the points that we are dealing with.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Robert! I'm so glad this was helpful!

[@electricjellyfish375]

Another way to look at it even though it is tragic is If there are other people that are better than this If there are better people Why not hang out with them?

[@tracym9763]

Thank you so much!!! I am new to this kind of world. I am so devastated he would hide this from everyone!!! He is in the community and actually sought after for his trade and has been sucking on a damn crack pipe for “”30”” years on complete silence. Here’s the kicker… A “stage 4” throat cancer survivor at that of the last 5 years. His surgery was so selective and dangerous, he cannot even eat and is on a feeding tube!!! And he’s still sucking on a crack pipe when they cal him a miracle surviver. Then he had to toss me into the mix and RUIN my life, my reputation, my health, dragging me innocently with his and I didn’t even know!!! It took him last Friday actually DYING from one hit of heroin in his room before the walls finally crashing down on us both!!! He was revived and hospitalized for 23 hours, but he took us all down with him. How do I rebuild and move on??????

[@peterlyons8793]

You're 30 years too late.

[@melissafoster9701]

This is the best video you ever did I'm tired of him leaving to get drunk he's on the streets homeless I'm filling divorce

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so sorry you're in this position. It's so heartbreaking.

[@glowieokenney7915]

Me toooo! I filed yesterday!!!

[@peacelove7437]

Left mine 3 years ago. Best decision ever.

[@TREMVan]

Your channel helps so many people....

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwww, thank you so much.

[@TREMVan]

@@PutTheShovelDown I can understand the mindset now of the addiction because of you.... still puzzling to me but I understand it now. thank you so much

[@gailnicholson3972]

Yes,it's like them turning the switch on and off.

[@sunflowerzelda45]

I find this whole meth addiction with my son has been a roller coaster for 30 years. I am beyond tired. So my answer has turned me into a hermit, with no control got than with my head in the sand. I realize I am only hurting myself shutting myself off from the world like this. My brother recently was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I have seen him once it is a 2-hour drive to see him. I find 🤐🤐🤐drives wipe me out. I can't stand how he is wasting away. I can't explain how the pain of this illness has somehow opened my eyes to how I deal with grief turns be inside of myself. I do not think I can take much more but of course, this is life. It isn't fair. It is full of heartbreak. I am turning 65 this month. But feel much much older. Notice people seem to find the same guy over and over.

[@TheNmv2728]

This is a great topic. Its hard to hear but needed to hear.

[@gingerelkins1268]

Fantastic information! I was the “bad guy “ and pushed my husband back to alcohol after 3 years sober! He is 1 year sober now & I’m trying your approach ❤

[@jocelynnowen3078]

No one can make someone drink.

[@RB-be9bc]

Hi , my wife has a big problem with alcohol, and everytime she drinks, she starts fights and constantly finds anything to blame me for, so I'm constantly defending myself, and it goes on all night

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Take a look at this video. It’s on that exact topic kzbin.info/www/bejne/jYjOlYNrmcqKe7s

[@comeon_man]

Mine did that for the last time. I left her this past week. When we originally met I thought something was up w her drinking. But I figured I could help her w it. Feels like im out of gas. I wish I did the homework on the whole alcoholism thing before we married

[@melissamcelderry6355]

My husband told me, in tears, that he had a problem and weeks later told me that I act like he’s a dope head!

[@jocelynnowen3078]

Well yes. He’s right. I’m a recovering alcoholic. Your right he is a dope head. I think that’s pretty generous of you. I got 2 brain cells left but I can still read the big book. Tell him I said that. Lol

[@Christ_in_Christy]

My husb has a meth addiction. He recently got arrested with meth and solicitation of prostitution. Him & his mother blame me that I don’t love him enough which makes him have to do these things. They resent me. I’m the only one who works. Told him I’m leaving him. Lots of chaos happened. Now he has to be clean for court & says he can’t lose me. I can’t tell if he is thinking clearly or even fully sober. I’m sure he still connects with the women online. Or is he? I am gaslit to death. He still tells me I am to blame. This video is exactly what the dr ordered. This channel helps me have a sense of normalcy.

[@doesntmatter4477]

It depends on the circumstances. As a ten year addict I have lost almost everyone I used to have for various reasons, not all being negative. Most were my fault and I've always known that, and I've talked to hundreds or more addicts over time about these issues and it seemed to me more common that people werent in denial to the fact that they push people away. Its obvious that serious drug addiction in my case heroin/fentanyl, and meth, makes us ruin all past relationships... Its a super well known thing. But like I said it depends what kinda relationships were talking. Someone being an addict doesn't automatically make the other person perfect/without flaw, or above the addict. Self awareness or humility aren't very common with anyone, people have egos and world views that shape perception and ones ability to see outside their bubble. When people talk to addicts they aren't always really listening to understand, lots of people have a limited idea of what addiction even is or does and could be going about their side of the relationship in just as toxic a way as the addict. Theres just so many different variations of relationships. Last thing ill add is I was very lucky to have the parents I do, and after kicking me out for a while, contacted me and and allowed me to come home to get on methadone and rebuild our relationship. I never once felt resentment when I got the boot, I was honestly relieved deep down. I almost died multiple times and went through and witnessed things I never imagined as far ass abuse, violence, people dying and living in treacherous conditions, etc. This wasn't even enough to relieve the guilt i I've had for the three years being home. Its somehow relieving in a way to be feeling that intense guilt cuz I caused them so much pain. Anyway your videos are great, thanks a ton! Well wishes to all.

[@doesntmatter4477]

As*

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I completely agree, Zak! Family members aren't without flaws and you're right, they're not always the best listeners.

[@jocelynnowen3078]

See you at the meeting. I got your coffee and maybe your story will ring a bell for someone else to not drink today. 😀

[@erinkelley4]

Thank you for this honest explanation. It’s very helpful.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure. So glad it's helpful

[@FlubberFlops321]

I’m currently addicted. It’s tough because I realize the pain im causing but I keep doing it. AA didn’t help me. I feel lost.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

Please stop my sister has just passed away from this my mum and I are devastated we tried to help but she shut herself away in her flat this time after two hospital stays this year she did so well at times but this year she just seemed to give up we don’t know why.

[@FlubberFlops321]

@@jacquelinehunt7794 I’m working on it. I’m very sorry to hear about your sister. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

@@FlubberFlops321 Thankyou so much good luck with your recovery I know it’s very hard but the loss of my sister to this is devastating you can do it x

[@Megan66666]

You need a specialist in this area. Also Abraham Hicks helped me alot on KZbin ❤

[@wonderfulpeoplesavingtheearth]

this is where my daughter is at, big time. very hateful comments. she says she's not taking anything anymore but the talk doesn't reflect it. my daughter and I have had very little exchange during the past few years but the negative reaction is still great.

[@airheadusmc3821]

I told my dad the other day to not call me anymore while he's drunk. Havnt heard from him in 3 days. He has been drunk everyday for the past 30 days. I just don't want to hear it anymore. Within 4 words i can hear if he's drunk. It just frustrates me and makes me Angry now

[@usauditresponse]

Beforw even watching...nope, they don't regret it at all until they they get onto revovery and have time to think it clearly.

[@dorismayorga1769]

You are always right on target! You are amazing!❤❤❤🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 8:52

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwww thanks Doris! 😀

[@kaykramer3694]

Thank you for the validation.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Any time!

[@adriedrake8605]

My boyfriend has struggled with cocaine addiction for over 10 yrs. He has gone to rehab and now living in a sober living. He has been clean for over 2 months now. He has also found Jesus ✝️ I am so proud of him. I take everyday one day at a time and pray he sees how much his life is worth and continues to see all his effort is for his greater good❤

[@harpgal9950]

I lost an ex and looks like I've lost our son, too. You are absolutely correct and the very things you said they'll say, they did. Made me laugh at how very predictable the behavior is. Addiction is the addict's mistress and they are happy to be left alone with their mistress.

[@TziporaRaphaella]

The irony is a lot of us aren’t happy to be left alone with our addiction mistress. But we also can’t see anything outside of ourselves or the addiction even when we’re flipping miserable. Deep in I don’t think any addict is happy. But then it’s a different type of selfishness. I hurt people the worst at this point. I didn’t have too many people left but the ones who were? I just was constant need, need, need. Couldn’t see outside my own sh*t to even consider the effect or influence me and my misery was having on anyone else. I can’t imagine how soul crushing it must be to love someone who’s at that stage of it all. To know they’re miserable but too lost in it to even see you. I’m sorry you lost your ex and your son. I hope your son finds recovery eventually. But it’s a long way back. ❤

[@harpgal9950]

@@TziporaRaphaella Thank you for sharing your experience. It describes what I see in my son to a T. I hope you have found recovery and have peace in your life.

[@TziporaRaphaella]

⁠​⁠@@harpgal9950Thanks so much. I’m still in the early months but know I’m already a much different person (or a truer version of myself? A little of both but definitely not the monster my addictions made me) and very committed to getting it right since I won’t survive a bottom any lower than the one I found myself in. There’s moments of peace and a growing capacity to just be in the moments and my own feelings- something I wish I could gift my younger self so she didn’t have to hurt so much or hurt others. I’m very grateful for AA and recovery fellowships. But it’s a lot to sit with the hurt and harm I know I caused others and to know I need to wait it out to make amends and may never be able to repair important relationships or make up for the things I’ve done. I really hope things improve for your son. I’ve got a close friend still struggling in and out of recovery and I wish I knew why some of us are finally able to make recovery work and some never do.

[@wonderfulpeoplesavingtheearth]

the person who said it's easier to be honest when they're high, i take exception. it's probably easier to be blaming, accusing, guilt-inducing, rageful. honesty doesn't mean brutally hurting someone. honesty means taking responsibility for how you feel WITHOUT pointing the finger at anyone else, especially someone who's probably done a lot for you.

[@sunflowerzelda45]

Just love that picture on the right of your head with flowers and a bike. Where can I find myself one ?

[@sharonscott1776]

It is amazing how much they change on meth. He honestly has no empathy, he’s cold and says such disgusting things.

[@kimperfect2295]

Thanks for your vulnerability.

[@christinecortes6342]

My husband an alcoholic was also married to an alcoholic. They raised 2 boys which I feel horrible for what they must of went through and the struggles they still go through . Their mom eventually past away from alcoholism and is where I came in a few years later . Omg it was hell that I had no idea I was stepping into . Dealing with an alcoholic and 2 boys raised in this environment is the worst situation that I don’t wish on anyone ! No one can control the entire situation and craziness, I almost lost myself and had to step back and reset myself . Still unhappy and ready to leave even though I’ve done my best . The kids are doing better and so is there dad but he’s still not 100 . With all I went through I just can’t do it anymore .

[@saraheavilin8892]

Mine asked me why he wasn't enough four months after our divorce was finalized while he was entertaining a new person and eventually a new relationship. Moved on four months after our divorce, and that is me being generous because I understand the reality.

[@pamelam4]

They don’t care because there’s always another sucker that will take care of them unfortunately.

[@anderson49100]

I totally appreciate this conversation. I need to learn how to get on private chat.

[@tamms7143]

My boyfriend left our home.. plans and dreams for alcohol and crack. He left on his motorcycle one evening in the middle of a family reunion. I never saw him again.. I texted him that morning to please get out of my life and move out. He did three days later while I was at work. This had happened five times before throughout our relationship but he would come back the next day or two. The fifth time I saved his life by taking him to the ER since he had horrible muscle cramps and his liver enzymes were 5K but he did it again for the last time. I feel I wasn’t enough for him to change or our relationship didn’t mean enough to him. I know he is in rehab now but I never heard from him again and we were inseparable. There was no goodbye.. no closure and I am completely broken.

[@Liz-in8lu]

Someone please pray for me. I’m so lonely and sad that I keep going back to the alcoholic guy.

[@vixter28]

Sweetie go to Al-Anon & counseling It helped me finally get away from my alcoholic husband, but now I’m in another relationship with the boyfriend that’s an alcoholic, but we just broke up - the alcohol will always come first ! It’s a crazy train ride 😢💔