The Most Critical Do's and Don'ts of Helping An Addict or Alcoholic Overcome Addiction

You can't force someone to stop an addiction to drugs/alcohol, but you can most certainly influence it! In this video, we'll help you outsmart addiction by telling you what works and what doesn't when it comes to helping an addict or alcoholic overcome a Substance abuse problem.
⚠️These educational videos and should not be considered therapy or advice specifically for your situation.
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[@jodleeray]

My son recently moved back home under the premise that he was sober. I soon found out that wasnt true. At first I was very angry, but eventually I decided to give him over to God and I was able to have more peace and calm. I also started using all your tips Amber. Treating him with love and compassion and kindness and reminding myself that he isnt the enemy. He noticed right away and he said “how are you doing mom? You seem more at peace.” The very next day he actually spent a lot of time doing his laundry and texted me and said “you will be so proud of me mom!” ❤

[@rhondadubois1604]

I love this! Good for you momma!

[@dawnmchenry9451]

This made me cry, I can relate so much! God bless you and yours!

[@Dibsylou]

We need to do this for us… to love them and keep them in our lives. Accept them the way they are.

[@CATALINAG1]

“Addicted to my loved ones addiction “, 🙁this is where anxiety has taken root causing high blood pressure. Heart pain , etc

[@tammyseal3722]

I know 2 men who finally kicked their addiction but they spent 5 years in prison to do it. The 5 years got them clean and their head cleared. If they go to jail don't bail them out, it may just save their lives.

[@Dibsylou]

I wish my kids would get arrested then.

[@CindyCrawford-ky7os]

I don't know you, have never met you, but you are a God sent. I have so much appreciation for you. You have no idea how much you've helped me. Thank you!! ❤❤❤❤

[@merylmcconnachy1920]

Amen I truly believe that my loved one will get better and I know my God is bigger than the alcoholism

[@peterlyons8793]

Good luck on that one.

[@merylmcconnachy1920]

@@peterlyons8793 no luck needed

[@AR-ed8jp]

Praise God and amen!!

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

Nothing is bigger than the alcoholism it mostly wins

[@jodiburnett6211]

Thank you for sharing this. Praying for the addicts that still suffer, but not enabling or enmeshing. Codependent no more. Not addicted to their addictions anymore.

[@autumnpera7233]

It's so surreal that these feels the way I feel and everything I'm going through. I am hurting so bad right now because I feel like I'm holding him back. I have tried so hard to be loving and positive it has never been an act to him and I have never loved anyone as much as I have love him. I have recently gotten a restraining order and honestly, I got it for myself so I do not as you say get fooled again. I had to make it clear that boundaries are being made because he keeps doing the same patterns and insanity and I can't keep going through this. I feel like I am fighting his addiction.

[@acluvac40]

Thank you. Your videos are very helpful. I'm tired, very frustrated, scared, angry, annoyed, and sad about my family member. One thing that keeps me from giving up is that if I am feeling all this, then he MUST BE TIRED emotionally, mentally, and physically as well.

[@lindahall9235]

My adult son is addicted. I just found your videos. I believe these will help me and my son's wife. We all live together.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Linda, Welcome to our little community. You're definitely in the right place!

[@lilianabreceda3730]

My son is addicted to crystal meth. I resonate with all Amber says. He threatened my life, I was a hostage in my home, it was just me and him our dog. I especially like the video understanding the brain biology. I saw glimpses of my son but for the most part it was the addict. I had to sign a restrain order. I’m feeling guilty, grieving, and PTSD. I’m glad I found these videos also.

[@Simberlynn]

The first 5 min of this video has been more helpful than my own brain trying to help my loved one and more importantly MYSELF!!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, AMBER!!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You’re so very welcome ❤️

[@liveandletlive9333]

@Simberlynn Go to Alanon and learn to control your own emotions. Put yourself 1st and a lot of these issues become so much easier.

[@CindyCrawford-ky7os]

I'm crying, nonstop, not bc im sad bc you gave me hope. 😢

[@mkpinkbird]

I discovered your videos a few days ago! I’m so grateful!! I’m disappointed, hurt and angry on an almost daily basis by my mate and his addiction behaviors … I’m trying to approach our relationship from a different perspective. I have my own issues with emotion regulation, abandonment, boundary setting and respecting… Sweeping my side of the street is so important and so difficult when I’m triggered regularly. I miss the connection with my mate!! Thank you for your words of wisdom

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're a fast learner, Robin! , "Sweeping my side of the street is so important"- Love this!!!

[@mkpinkbird]

@@PutTheShovelDown thank you, I’ve been through a lot of counseling over the past couple years to deal with my own issues all while living with an addict that has some justified resentments as well as unjustified ones that exacerbate my symptoms. I’m far from perfect and am having to learn how to kindly establish boundaries. We are in a viscous cycle right now, and the more I withdraw or stand my ground the angrier he gets. The addiction is only part of our issues. I’m praying I can put into practice some of the things I’m learning so he will see the light and take a step towards sobriety and then we can deal with the additional relationship issues Thank you for your videos-they really do help people!

[@madalyngaldamez435]

What is the name of the podcast?

[@Nan-59]

I LOVE that term, “Sweeping My Side of the Street”. I’ve never heard it put quite that way. I do hope things are going better for you and your mate. Wishing you the best!❤❤❤✌🏻

[@caseyphelps1214]

I am dealing with drug addiction with my husband. When I try to confront him about what he is using he goes crazy ! I have had to call the cops 2 times because of it so now I am scared to death to bring anything at all up

[@laurieriek6444]

I’m trying hard to change, but I think my negitive hurt feelings come out. I try not to control anymore too. But I need help. I’m so tired.

[@michellecollins1023]

He does not believe that his drinking is affecting me. He believes that I am no longer the loving caring happy fun-loving person I was when we met. When he gets drunk and starts being hateful to me, it makes me cry and then he attacks me for crying and he says, "I'm sick of your sh**. I've just about had it with you. You can just leave. I don't want to be married to you anymore. I don't care what you do. Leave me alone and shut up." It's worse when I try to detach and go to another room. He gets madder and yells louder and gaslights me into thinking I'm the problem. I've tried to give it over to God, but I and my husband gets in the way of His work. My heart is broken and I'm very weary.

[@user-mf7ll4nm4n]

So good to hear some solutions that don't involve tje endless aa or alanon rhetoric

[@bayraye25]

I’ve been watching your channel for a few months now. You’ve helped me so much in how to help my loved one who has addiction. Hoping I’m able to catch your live tomorrow and ask you a question! Thanks for all you do!

[@bethforbush1343]

Thanks so much Amber! Always such useable concrete advice! Grateful for you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Beth!

[@sharonbarnes9080]

This is really good. I’ve learned it’s not even what I say but how I say it. My heart matters because the addictive person discerns if I care or am I controlling and trying to fix the person

[@1InAMlIoN]

The feedback that you gave Nancy towards the end of this video… I just want to say that I’m glad I heard it as well because I’m new to finding your channel and seeing video after video, I’ve just been diving in! I guess I do need to set time limits on how much I can watch or listen to per day to not neglect the other things I usually spend time doing. Sigh… I don’t feel addicted to my addicted loved one but just desperate for help and change. 😩

[@reneebentley2804]

You are so knowledgeable on addiction… thank you for sharing!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you for listening, Renee! And especially for taking time to leave a comment 😃😃😃

[@jujujustme]

You are incredible Amber! Thank you so much for your advice. :0)

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome!

[@sherryrichplant]

Amber this topic and video has really hit at the right time for me. I've been stuck with my addicted loved one, me feeling hurt and resentful and taking everything personally. I've been searching for another way and this is it. Since I watched this video I've been putting your advice into play and it's been amazing! I'm reaffirming the good things about my son back to him but also not being naive. I realise he is still using and selling and lying but he is also making positive steps like finding his own accomodation and studying - and when I underline those and say it back to him I can feel the 'exhale' for both of us. I do believe he can get better and when I talk to him I'm mindful not to keep poking or asking questions about doc appointments, bla bla this and that..things that make him feel guilty and see me as the pain in the ass. Now he is calling me to chat every couple of days and I know it's because I'm 'being the dopamine' ....thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

WOW! That is so awesome, Sherry🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩I'm so proud for you both. Thank you for sharing that with me. You've put a huge smile on my face 😃😃😃😃Nice work!

[@rhondadubois1604]

Great stuff...thanks Amber!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure!

[@CATALINAG1]

Good morning, I’m glad I ran into you today🙏🏼🎼 I needed this direction, I have lived in horrible frustrations, I have been angry for the choices of my loved ones that do not consider the damage they have caused not only their lives but because I love my family , it’s been tormenting to have to watch. I have tried to move away , stay away, focus on church community, but it feels selfish to disconnect and “ just pray for them” I can’t be happy if my loved one is suffering with addiction , my dear sister died at 36 in 1996 , my mom overdosed on pills from depression illness from as far back as I can remember as young as 5. And then I go through / survive 25 years of violence and mental abuse from violent husband. And I did it twice. I married again to a person that was freshly healed from heroine so I met his good side and real soon the mask feel off and iv been devastated still. Im surrounded.also 2 of my adult children are addicted also living a roller coaster . I’m just trying to have some peace within regardless of what my loved ones choose🥹♥️

[@robinszumanski2941]

Damn that's hard. No ones suffering will ever be in vain. He will give you beauty for your ashes.

[@liveandletlive9333]

The pattern and choices are rather clear here. If you want to break the cycle work the Alanon program.

[@davidcasson5602]

For the most part ,Influence via communication is all you have got ,, so ,,as I recall , I played what I called the “” wicked game”” of inhibiting her input .I don’t like the words fight or war ,, yes you probably are their enemy. I was her adversary, if I won she stayed below the clouds ☁️ ,drunk but still talking sense. Problem is they tend to like winning , so they arrive home over the limit etc which is just one of the ways they wreck the communication and the whole evening probably .Frustration is the feeling you live with ,,let it go , stay calm . She defeated me all too often, live with your defeat , let it pass , cast it off , rise up to play again .

[@melgm002]

Greatest advice ever. Thank you

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! Thanks 😁😁😁😁

[@davemccall1134]

The best thing to do is find the best plan that works for you and work that plan

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💯

[@sharonbarnes9080]

The other thing is that my grandson goes to his “friends “ house and he says everyone gets along fine and they are nice to be with and they are new drug friends (somehow they always find new drug friends).

[@maryirick3579]

Thank you ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're welcome 😊

[@jamiedamiani3016]

So I literally said to my 16yr son 2 days ago, “ if your still getting in trouble by breaking the law and using when your 18 in 1.5yrs you can not live with me I will not support you . After listening to this I think that war controlling not a boundary. How do I say it as a boundary???

[@Daswuessteich]

My biggest struggle is how to treat my husband when he is drunk. The slurring, the repetitiveness, the fact that he will not remember what we even talked about... I intuitively go quiet. Every single time I feel I am being disrespectful and am insecure if I should rather "pretend-engage" to not lose connection. Any suggestion?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You want to be neutral (if possible) when he's intoxicated and use the positive reinforcement when it's sober.

[@peterlyons8793]

I suggest you treat him In the same wau. Pack up your stuff, take the money, kids etc. and leave his sorry ass. He's not going to change.

[@peterlyons8793]

The same way he treats you.

[@Daswuessteich]

@@peterlyons8793 I can only image how much trouble you need to endure from your response. My husband is not treating me badly in any way. He is "just" an alcoholic.

[@adriamoffatt5821]

@@DaswuessteichIt doesn't bother me. I have my own issues to deal with.

[@janinesmith8252]

I had to call the police when my daughter became abusive. No she hates me and totally quit talking to me. What to do??

[@shuiwahlee5836]

Be glad of the break😊

[@millstreetteut7835]

I dont get the connection part, im very connected to my AS and he binge drinks anyway

[@judelistens510]

I came to realization this weekend that I have lost myself to this . I’ve been with him for 43 years. I have stopped entertaining because he gets drunk. At family dinners he gets tipsy. If ai ask him not to drink, he laughs at me. We tried to camp with no alcohol this weekend and he was so mean the entire time. I cried for two days and came home with swollen eyes. Now I have to avoid seeing people. And so the cycle goes. On and on…

[@jesabeltwin5051]

Why are you relying on him to solve your problems? Remove yourself from him and you no longer have the problem.

[@nolrob]

Oh my god thank you❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome!

[@ReRe-wd5sz]

This does make sense. I will do my best.

[@kendallwright7222]

26:31…felt this :/

[@katherinebragg9166]

I have a neighbor that steals off me all the time to feed his addictions. Its an awful invasion of my privacy. I would never inflict this on him.

[@jackiecochrane8953]

My MIL is an late stage alcoholic. She no longer drives. Where do we draw the line,(boundary) around what alcohol we buy for her or not? I can’t stop buying it for her completely or she’ll go through dtt’s. Right now, she’s drinking a box wine/1-2 days and we won’t buy liquor or vodka. I don’t know what’s right?

[@catheleinerossborough284]

Very grateful for all your information. I would like to know how and when is it ok to ask and check on him without being controlling nor irritating him. I would like to know once and a while the status on his recovery. I want to feel safe in this relationship and would like to check on everything without being hypersensitive.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I recommend you ask him that. Let him know you don't want to be controlling or nagging but you want to check in every once in a while. Ask him if there's a way to do it without making him feel pressured.

[@liveandletlive9333]

Anytime you are feeling anxiety or have questions about him than that's NOT the right time. When that happens you need to go work on YOU (therapy, Alanon, etc). Dig deep into why you can't let him live his life and let go of your control over him, his life and the situation.

[@jackiecochrane8953]

How can I switch my thoughts if I do NoT believe my 76 Y.O. MIL can get better? She is in late stage alcoholism and moving in with us.😢

[@melissaprivett7011]

Melissa from michigan

[@celiacrevelation2875]

What experience do you have with Celiac Disease and mental health and addiction? Are you familiar with Dr. Balandra in Sarasota, FL?

[@sallyjom-cooper470]

21:56 I’d really love to know how this looks for video games where the video gamer views it as not an issue, rather their “real” comunity. Especially with spouses who have kids and the kids life is passing by with daddy or mommy in the game. Single parenting with the spouse in the house.

[@cindymasters8795]

I need help to figure this out

[@holdenhealth]

I started watering down my husband's whiskey. I know that's not the right thing to do, but I feel helpless. I see the disease progressing

[@celiacrevelation2875]

I agreed with my partner to not let my son come home because he was bringing his drug dealer into our home and I was afraid we would lose the house because the law because aware of his drug problems. It hurts so bad because he's be homeless for 10 years. I want to sent him to long term care when I sell my house. I need to to afford it if he will be willing to go. What facility in Florida or near there would you recommend? I'm afraid that out patient care might not be enough.

[@roxannaoloumi-johnsonlpc4135]

Hi Amber, thank you for your helpful videos! Can you create a video that discusses the partner’s role in drinking or not drinking around their addicted loved one? Meaning, if the addicted person gets sober does the partner/family need to stop drinking around them? Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'll definitely put that topic on my list!

[@janeviscolosi6455]

@@PutTheShovelDown did you do this topic video yet?

[@leslieowens2699]

My son is 31 and is been stuggling for 15 yrs with alcohol. Been in and out of prison because of it. Ive tryed hanging around him and his family. But i cant no more , is that wrong of me .? It hurts to much

[@liveandletlive9333]

It's not wrong of you as that's your choice although if you can deal with your own emotions in an adult way and let him live his life as he chooses you can still see the fam and share live with them.

[@cindymasters8795]

Hi I'm Cindy

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Cindy, Welcome to our little community 😄

[@jenniferhanlon5974]

I have a question about the podcasts. Would be willing to add them to the free jail tablet systems like securus and smartjailmail? I currently play videos for my gf over phone but it's expensive.

[@annatanner6965]

Amber, you do ask us to do the impossible - there are stages of addictions, in which the personality of the addict has changed for the worse: how can you authentically believe anything good about them after having been manipulated, exploited and disappointed time and time again. Your suggestions, however well-intentioned, are just not feasible. It's better to face the reality that addicts love their addiction first and foremost - they are not capable of truly loving.

[@aktchungrabanio6467]

And she somehow manages to evade responses like yours, which are abundant btw.

[@TammyLee-86]

I blocked my daughter because she is negative was that wrong

[@mercyrobels2338]

Hi Amber, It is possible I can get an appointment to talk to you regarding my 19 old son addiction to wee Thanks

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sure, Follow this link to learn about setting up a strategy session: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations

[@veronicadiaz1513]

Is it possible that the addict have any accountability and choose to face there addictions with rehab etc without having to play this game of manipulation and begging almost. What of you been playing into their game for years and you blame eachother, no connection etc. You are eachother enemies etc. Is it sometimes too late?

[@MakeupbyCynthia1]

Is it appropriate to hide the pills, and alcohol if your loved one is falling down drunk, and won’t stop visiting the liquor cabinet, until they are sober enough to control themself?

[@leslieowens2699]

I think it's more appropriate to get it out of the house .

[@dsheffield1959]

What do you do for a 36 yr old daughter with 2 children and o e, 3yr old lives with me and they have Borderline Personality Disorder? They are evil speaking, ha e no conscience or empathy, are lazy and just mean??? 12 years of this. All I cN do now is just focus on the child.😢

[@user-uf1kc2re6c]

Nope my son just manipulated me MORE

[@aktchungrabanio6467]

Thank you for sharing how this advice can backfire as well. This is an important reminder for everyone out there.

[@TammyLee-86]

I just kicked my daughter after hiring an interventionist. Did go so well.

[@Ramdogstar]

Wonderful wise advice and just what I needed to hear today 🫶🏽 thank you so much for being you

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you for your kind words of support! 😁😁💖